WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.160 It's the sound before summersee that always gets me, the 2 00:00:06.200 --> 00:00:08.560 hush before city wakes, the high wine of distant traffic 3 00:00:08.599 --> 00:00:11.240 flattening itself across the avenue. She is scraping towel and 4 00:00:11.279 --> 00:00:14.359 catching on the gingerbreath of morning. I'm sitting on the 5 00:00:14.439 --> 00:00:16.920 edge of our side of bed, lacing my shoes. The 6 00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:19.600 digital clock on the dresser blinks five twelve a m. 7 00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:22.000 I keep my head down, fingers worrying over the same 8 00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:24.120 knot I've tied every day for years, as I wait 9 00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:26.440 to hear his voice from the other room. Evan is 10 00:00:26.519 --> 00:00:29.120 usually the one who wakes first. He's the one who 11 00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:31.280 bounds out of bed, drinking his pre run water in 12 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:33.880 three big star of gulps, who finds the perfect music 13 00:00:33.880 --> 00:00:36.359 for the route. Who coaxed me, drought me sometimes into 14 00:00:36.399 --> 00:00:39.159 this ridiculous diversion to morning runs when we moved in together. 15 00:00:39.840 --> 00:00:41.759 That was the deal, he always said, with a grin, 16 00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:43.840 If I want the summerses, you have to catch them 17 00:00:43.840 --> 00:00:46.159 with me. We both learn to like them that way. 18 00:00:46.759 --> 00:00:49.240 We share our luzzle Richell's tying shoe side by side, 19 00:00:49.240 --> 00:00:51.679 picking out lucky socks, raising each other to touch the 20 00:00:51.759 --> 00:00:54.200 lampus by the park, always coming back with stories to 21 00:00:54.240 --> 00:00:58.079 swap over coffee. But today Evan's still in bed. He's 22 00:00:58.159 --> 00:01:00.439 curled up tightly, one arm touched under the pill hair 23 00:01:00.520 --> 00:01:03.200 matted over his eyes, sheets kicked to the floor. I 24 00:01:03.320 --> 00:01:06.120 linger in the doorway longer than I should. His phone 25 00:01:06.200 --> 00:01:08.680 is nowhere in sight. He only stirs when I flick 26 00:01:08.719 --> 00:01:11.799 on the lamb, not gently. He blinks, quinting at dazzle, 27 00:01:11.799 --> 00:01:15.200 like he doesn't know where he is. Jesus Kell what time? 28 00:01:15.840 --> 00:01:19.439 His face sluckens, then creases into annoyance. Ugh, I can't 29 00:01:19.560 --> 00:01:22.480 not to day I worked late, remember. The words are 30 00:01:22.519 --> 00:01:25.159 muffled by the pillow, almost surly, and he rolls away 31 00:01:25.200 --> 00:01:28.280 before I can answer. The apartment smells faintly if sweat 32 00:01:28.280 --> 00:01:31.359 and drying his breast of grounds. I'm matching water bottles 33 00:01:31.400 --> 00:01:34.120 he'd stacked in the counter, untouched labels starting to appeal 34 00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:37.159 from use. The silence feels new, a little jagged. I 35 00:01:37.159 --> 00:01:39.719 can't remember the last time Evan missed our run, unless 36 00:01:39.760 --> 00:01:42.120 he was sick, which, lets be real, he brags about 37 00:01:42.159 --> 00:01:44.599 never being I try to tell myself it's not a 38 00:01:44.599 --> 00:01:49.840 big deal. People need rest, Schedules change, and if I'm honest, 39 00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:52.159 I'm fighting the urge to crawl back under the covers too, 40 00:01:52.920 --> 00:01:55.439 But something in his tone, something quick and clipped and 41 00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:58.760 not quite him, lingers under my skin. Still it's just 42 00:01:58.799 --> 00:02:00.920 a run. I shall shut the door behind me and 43 00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:03.120 force my legs to carry me out down the stairwell 44 00:02:03.159 --> 00:02:05.519 and to ere that tastes clean and sharp. I take 45 00:02:05.560 --> 00:02:07.840 our usual route around the block, but my mind isn't 46 00:02:07.879 --> 00:02:10.280 with me. Instead, I count the ways I might have 47 00:02:10.319 --> 00:02:12.639 annoyed him lately, left dishes in the sink, rearranged the 48 00:02:12.680 --> 00:02:15.360 living room, reminded him about his man's birthday, asked if 49 00:02:15.400 --> 00:02:19.280 he was okay, one too many times, stupid things things 50 00:02:19.280 --> 00:02:22.439 couples do. By the time I circle back, sweat cooling 51 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:24.520 against my chess, the sun is pushing through the high 52 00:02:24.520 --> 00:02:27.039 glass of our lobby. I'm not expecting Evan to be 53 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:28.680 up yet, but I hear what are running as I 54 00:02:28.759 --> 00:02:32.639 open the door. He's already showered and dressed. He looks fresh, 55 00:02:32.719 --> 00:02:35.520 even a little triumphant, whistling a song and I can't name, 56 00:02:35.520 --> 00:02:38.039 as he unpacks an unfamiliar cardboard coffee carrier on to 57 00:02:38.120 --> 00:02:41.000 the counter. I thought you were high, they say, only 58 00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:44.639 half kidding. He shrugs. There's a restlessness to him, like 59 00:02:44.680 --> 00:02:46.400 he's been waiting for me to get home, rather than 60 00:02:46.479 --> 00:02:50.240 just waking up late night runs on adrenaline, I guess. 61 00:02:50.719 --> 00:02:53.159 He grins over his shoulder, then snags one of the 62 00:02:53.199 --> 00:02:56.240 cups from the carrier and waves it at me. Want one. 63 00:02:56.800 --> 00:02:58.719 I take him in, trying to find the morning fog 64 00:02:58.759 --> 00:03:01.960 i'd expected. His cheeks are flushed, pulse apple red at 65 00:03:01.960 --> 00:03:03.919 his neck, and he's still wearing one of his old 66 00:03:03.960 --> 00:03:06.639 threadburst wet bands, the kind we both keep for nostalgia. 67 00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:08.800 But this one is spect with what looks like a 68 00:03:08.840 --> 00:03:10.800 smear of dark makeup, not the kind I use, but 69 00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:14.680 I file it away, probably nothing. Before I can get 70 00:03:14.680 --> 00:03:18.120 the words out, he holds the coffee out of reach. Sorry, 71 00:03:18.199 --> 00:03:21.000 this is Andy's promised to deliver inside joke office thing. 72 00:03:21.479 --> 00:03:24.120 He winks a practiced gesture, but it lends off kilter. 73 00:03:24.759 --> 00:03:27.039 It's not unusual for Evan to bring his work self home, 74 00:03:27.080 --> 00:03:28.919 but to day it feels more like he's shutting a door. 75 00:03:28.919 --> 00:03:32.159 I didn't realize. Was there inside joke between you and Andy? 76 00:03:32.759 --> 00:03:36.439 I echo, hoping for some context, a crumb of familiarity. Yeah, 77 00:03:36.520 --> 00:03:39.120 you wouldn't get it. He's almost sing song about it. 78 00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:42.639 I force a laugh. My eyes tracked a cardboard as 79 00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:45.719 he sweeps past the logo printed in gold, some specialty 80 00:03:45.759 --> 00:03:48.280 shot neither of us use to bother with. I'm still 81 00:03:48.360 --> 00:03:50.520 damp from the run. Heart rates backing again for no 82 00:03:50.560 --> 00:03:54.120 obvious reason. My phone vibrates across the kitchen island, stealing 83 00:03:54.120 --> 00:03:57.439 my attention. An old calendar invite waks old Devon's name 84 00:03:57.479 --> 00:04:00.759 on it, anniversary early run. The green nan Chepmok reminder 85 00:04:00.800 --> 00:04:03.919 blinks up at me. That was his idea. I'd look 86 00:04:03.960 --> 00:04:06.680 forward to it. I glance up, but Evan is already 87 00:04:06.680 --> 00:04:09.240 talking about his day, reminding me he's got an early meeting. 88 00:04:09.360 --> 00:04:11.240 Checking his phone, he moves with purpose now, as if 89 00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:14.120 there's a second script I'm not reading. I brush it off. 90 00:04:14.759 --> 00:04:19.639 He said he's tired people change. Maybe I delete the 91 00:04:19.639 --> 00:04:22.439 invite without responding. I tell myself not to make a 92 00:04:22.439 --> 00:04:26.199 big deal. It was seven years this summer. Sometimes it 93 00:04:26.199 --> 00:04:28.720 feels like we've lived a dozen small lives inside that time. 94 00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:31.519 I only remember how we first collided when I'm not 95 00:04:31.560 --> 00:04:34.360 looking for it. Me freelancing designed gigs in outmeal colored 96 00:04:34.360 --> 00:04:37.399 cowerking spaces, pretending my taste and tea made me mysterious, 97 00:04:37.560 --> 00:04:40.480 Evan bigger than every room here, everywhere, working life as 98 00:04:40.480 --> 00:04:42.680 a marketing producer, the guy who always knew a short 99 00:04:42.720 --> 00:04:45.199 cut or her tickets to something free. We met at 100 00:04:45.199 --> 00:04:47.759 a panel about branding authenticity, which was such a joke 101 00:04:47.800 --> 00:04:50.800 even then, and mocked the speakers behind raised hands. He 102 00:04:50.879 --> 00:04:53.160 followed me out, asked if I like running, pretended he 103 00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:54.879 hated coffee, just to see if he could break me. 104 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:58.399 He failed. I laughed horder than I'd laughed in months. 105 00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:02.439 Back then, reached tenes were rebellious. He made playlists for 106 00:05:02.480 --> 00:05:05.600 every run. We'd raise each other's shadows around the reservoir, 107 00:05:05.680 --> 00:05:09.600 debrief overcourses so flakey it'd snow down my sleeves. Sundays 108 00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:12.639 we meal prepped enough econ improvisitions to merits or castic 109 00:05:12.680 --> 00:05:16.639 Instagram posts. Nights we could finish each other's sentences or 110 00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:20.199 more often ruin the punch line on purpose. I used 111 00:05:20.199 --> 00:05:22.639 to find press wild follows in my sneakers, or handriton 112 00:05:22.680 --> 00:05:25.519 notes about how my glute game mate Picasso cry. I 113 00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:28.399 still have a box of these somewhere. Our friends said 114 00:05:28.399 --> 00:05:31.680 we were insufferable. We surrounded ourselves with other couples on 115 00:05:31.879 --> 00:05:35.480 and mock law and activism, Priyer and Tan, entrepreneurial disasters, 116 00:05:35.480 --> 00:05:38.759 occasional singles orbiting in and out. We held monthly board 117 00:05:38.800 --> 00:05:40.800 game nights where Evan would make up half the rules 118 00:05:40.920 --> 00:05:44.439 and roofed up hands with overpriced cocktails. It wasn't glamorous, 119 00:05:44.519 --> 00:05:46.920 but it was ours. If you ask some one else, 120 00:05:46.959 --> 00:05:49.800 they'd say, I'm the anxious one. I like things lined up, 121 00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:52.560 symmetries in the fridge, straight lines in the spice rack. 122 00:05:53.240 --> 00:05:56.040 Ivn't teased me about my compulsion to optimize, but quietly 123 00:05:56.079 --> 00:05:58.040 enjoyed the ways socks never got lost and there was 124 00:05:58.040 --> 00:06:01.600 always enough chief paste in turn his master of me nuts, 125 00:06:01.680 --> 00:06:04.959 but his energy filled whatever scattered gaps My discipline left behind. 126 00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:09.160 We've had our fights. Evan has three modes, and conflict charming. 127 00:06:09.240 --> 00:06:12.879 I see remorseful, never cruel, But sometimes he locks his 128 00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:15.639 feelings underground, and I'm left digging through rocks, trying to 129 00:06:15.680 --> 00:06:18.560 guess what really rum. I know my tendency to replay 130 00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:22.160 disagreements until they dissolve or combust. He's steadier, or used 131 00:06:22.199 --> 00:06:25.079 to be. Trust built up over time, tiny brick by 132 00:06:25.079 --> 00:06:27.879 brick finances. Passwords ain't no secret rule with thought made 133 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:30.800 us clover. We closed on this apartment together. My parents 134 00:06:30.839 --> 00:06:33.040 send a bottle of champagne. His brother Max showed up 135 00:06:33.040 --> 00:06:35.399 a tequila and a bag of chips, saying, you two 136 00:06:35.399 --> 00:06:38.600 butt something, don't wreck it. He's in Portland now, but 137 00:06:38.720 --> 00:06:41.480 he checks in. My folks are in Connecticut. Dad's gone 138 00:06:41.480 --> 00:06:43.680 a bit deaf. Mom never remembers if we're still seeing 139 00:06:43.759 --> 00:06:48.000 friends or finally adulting kids. Weren't really us. Sometimes we 140 00:06:48.040 --> 00:06:51.040 talk about a dark more travel, more room, But right now, 141 00:06:51.160 --> 00:06:53.920 work and each other are enough. Last winter, when my 142 00:06:53.959 --> 00:06:56.639 mother relapsed, Evan flew to Connecticut with me with no argument. 143 00:06:56.720 --> 00:06:58.959 He held my hand through that unending hospice waiting room, 144 00:06:59.000 --> 00:07:01.600 brought me convenience store cookies at three. An never flinched 145 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:04.480 when as sobbed against the kitchen sink. He and Maum 146 00:07:04.639 --> 00:07:07.360 had an ongoing joke about his tragic lack of table manners. 147 00:07:07.920 --> 00:07:10.079 There's nothing about our history that would make me doubt. 148 00:07:10.199 --> 00:07:12.639 Not really, That's what makes a shift in the past 149 00:07:12.639 --> 00:07:15.560 few weeks so disorienting. The only big change lately is 150 00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:18.680 Evans's job. He'd been looking for something new, less stifling, 151 00:07:19.000 --> 00:07:22.120 more room for ambition. Then came the offer of Flushy 152 00:07:22.160 --> 00:07:24.920 marketing agency out of Soho, known for startup launches and 153 00:07:24.959 --> 00:07:28.800 aggressive hours. All the perks, he said, flashing his new 154 00:07:28.839 --> 00:07:31.800 key card, remote days, catered lunches, health club. In the log, 155 00:07:32.360 --> 00:07:34.839 he talked about the agency gym. It's like Equinox, but 156 00:07:34.879 --> 00:07:37.959 with more branding. At first, he texts me pictures of 157 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:41.920 the smoothies, the absurd char products, an office dog. Sometimes 158 00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:44.759 he'd sneak me an extra guest pass on weekends, but 159 00:07:44.839 --> 00:07:47.199 the busier he got, the further away This text fell 160 00:07:47.959 --> 00:07:50.720 like echoes of our old routine. It's hard to imagine 161 00:07:50.759 --> 00:07:53.680 the kind of cracks that can form without noise. Evan 162 00:07:53.759 --> 00:07:57.279 scaped our morning runs for almost two weeks now. Sometimes 163 00:07:57.279 --> 00:07:59.759 he's already gone when I wake up. Sometimes, like to day, 164 00:07:59.800 --> 00:08:01.759 he pretends to be half asleep and waves me off 165 00:08:01.800 --> 00:08:04.480 with a mumble about the dead lines. I keep trying 166 00:08:04.519 --> 00:08:08.839 to recalibrate. Is it me, is his exhaustion he's coming 167 00:08:08.839 --> 00:08:11.639 home later, or if he is on time, he'll walk in, 168 00:08:11.879 --> 00:08:14.439 greeting me distractedly with a half arm hougwill His eyes 169 00:08:14.439 --> 00:08:16.959 are on his phone. He taps up quick texts the 170 00:08:17.000 --> 00:08:19.120 phone close to his body, then flips it face down 171 00:08:19.120 --> 00:08:22.040 as soon as I drift closer. I joke, you texting 172 00:08:22.079 --> 00:08:25.000 your secret family in his snorts a laugh, pocketing the phone. 173 00:08:25.399 --> 00:08:27.920 But I notice the names and conversation now, Andy Vick 174 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:30.680 meo onree't part of his old circle. I hear their 175 00:08:30.759 --> 00:08:33.600 names drop in passing, always the same nickname my work, 176 00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:36.360 Jim friends. He uses that phrase like a shield, a 177 00:08:36.480 --> 00:08:39.399 kind of short un that blocks follow up questions. Andy's 178 00:08:39.480 --> 00:08:42.240 hilarious vex a beast on the rower, Mazon to nutrition. 179 00:08:42.879 --> 00:08:45.799 That's all I get. One morning, I catch away from 180 00:08:45.799 --> 00:08:48.759 something strange woven into his jacket floral expensive, not the 181 00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:51.919 deodorant he uses or anything I own. I nezzle close, 182 00:08:52.120 --> 00:08:55.519 joking who's wearing poison at the agency? He rolls his eyes, 183 00:08:55.559 --> 00:08:59.159 straping his arms around me. Client long story. She's big 184 00:08:59.159 --> 00:09:01.919 on the personal connection thing. Hugged everyone After the pitch. 185 00:09:02.519 --> 00:09:04.840 He shrugs and kisses my forehead, laughing at how his 186 00:09:04.879 --> 00:09:08.120 suit still reeks. I try to let it go, I 187 00:09:08.240 --> 00:09:11.279 remind myself Evans never been careful at reading social codes. 188 00:09:11.360 --> 00:09:14.200 Hugs or just hugs. But Dutch sticks a little too 189 00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:17.399 sweet in my lungs. That night, I blend his favorite 190 00:09:17.360 --> 00:09:21.200 smoothly spinach, ginger burry prutein, hoping for some kind of reconnection. 191 00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:24.320 He barely glances at it, saying he's trying ain you 192 00:09:24.360 --> 00:09:28.120 supplement protocol that may recommend it. Before I can respond, 193 00:09:28.320 --> 00:09:30.639 he whips out a fancy back of single origin coffee. 194 00:09:30.639 --> 00:09:32.840 My name and blockishaw Bey scrolled across the label. But 195 00:09:32.879 --> 00:09:35.840 it's a flavor I would never touch, he insists, so 196 00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:38.240 me then laughs when I wrinkle my nose at the taste, 197 00:09:38.279 --> 00:09:40.679 tossing it in his word tote, and he'll drink it 198 00:09:40.720 --> 00:09:45.120 if you don't. My annoyance curdles into embarrassment. Maybe it's nothing. 199 00:09:45.799 --> 00:09:48.919 Maybe I'm just boring. Maybe being the routine driven one 200 00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:52.240 is pushing Evan out of orbit. I find myself giggling overwards, 201 00:09:52.240 --> 00:09:54.600 bows closed off at midnight, as if the Internet can 202 00:09:54.639 --> 00:09:56.919 reassure me that when skip run doesn't end a marriage, 203 00:09:57.480 --> 00:10:03.399 there are a thousand explanations. Yes, burnout office stuff. The 204 00:10:03.440 --> 00:10:06.080 most I can do is be supportive. I decide not 205 00:10:06.159 --> 00:10:08.799 to make a thing out of nothing. I let it ride. 206 00:10:09.399 --> 00:10:12.039 But the line between vigilance and pannoi gets blurry quickly. 207 00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:14.399 It's hard not to take action, even if it's just 208 00:10:14.440 --> 00:10:17.679 small things. I suggest, as lightly as I can that 209 00:10:17.799 --> 00:10:19.519 maybe I should join him at his work, Jim, for 210 00:10:19.559 --> 00:10:22.440 a morning class. It's supposed to have day passes for 211 00:10:22.480 --> 00:10:26.080 employees partners, isn't it. He shakes his head instantly, too fast, 212 00:10:26.120 --> 00:10:29.559 too rehearsed. No outside was kel, he says, not even 213 00:10:29.600 --> 00:10:34.720 making eye contact, company policy, security, privacy, NDA. Stuff sucks en. 214 00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:37.480 He says it like he's had to repeat this before. 215 00:10:38.120 --> 00:10:41.360 The ton is almost apologetic, but final. It's where they 216 00:10:41.399 --> 00:10:43.639 treat the Jim like a secret layer. Maybe next time 217 00:10:43.639 --> 00:10:46.679 will sneak in after hours. I try to accept that, 218 00:10:47.279 --> 00:10:50.399 but within days I notice his usual athletic wear has changed. 219 00:10:51.080 --> 00:10:53.200 The tags in the laundry show brands. I've never seen 220 00:10:53.200 --> 00:10:56.440 Obsidian or Reflex brands that Cosmo than I ever spend 221 00:10:56.440 --> 00:10:59.759 on leggings. The colors are bold neon, nothing like the 222 00:10:59.799 --> 00:11:01.679 usual old navy and gray athletic kit we both on. 223 00:11:02.399 --> 00:11:04.440 I linger a little too long over the receipts in 224 00:11:04.440 --> 00:11:07.159 his pockets. He doesn't comment on the new gear, even 225 00:11:07.159 --> 00:11:09.840 when I mention the price. The next time I pay 226 00:11:09.879 --> 00:11:12.720 the credit card, I notice our charges eighteen dollars twenty 227 00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:14.759 four dollars twelve dollars at a cafe less than a 228 00:11:14.759 --> 00:11:17.840 block from Evans's office. The problem is he's told me 229 00:11:17.879 --> 00:11:19.960 he's mis lunch twice on those days had clients in. 230 00:11:20.200 --> 00:11:22.799 I Wolf done a quick salid at his desk. Why 231 00:11:22.840 --> 00:11:25.600 pay for two lunches in SKIPO. We're on a video 232 00:11:25.679 --> 00:11:28.399 call with Honor and Mark, and someone jokes Evan, you 233 00:11:28.480 --> 00:11:31.360 still training with your work wife. The screen freezes as 234 00:11:31.399 --> 00:11:33.879 evans face flick as he laughs too suddenly and pivots 235 00:11:33.879 --> 00:11:37.399 the conversation toward a new marketing project. I almost miss 236 00:11:37.480 --> 00:11:39.679 the change in his eyes, then wonder if I'm imagining it. 237 00:11:40.559 --> 00:11:43.159 Sometimes I'll text Evan in the afternoon a meme, a 238 00:11:43.240 --> 00:11:47.080 question about dinner, or reminder about his brother's birthday. Sometimes 239 00:11:47.080 --> 00:11:50.600 my message goes ours unanswered. Other times he replies before 240 00:11:50.600 --> 00:11:53.480 I even put my phone down. Lately his response is 241 00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:56.000 trans shorter, less vivid, meeting to Jim the back lay. 242 00:11:56.720 --> 00:11:59.200 Even those answers seem to arrive at strange hours. More 243 00:11:59.240 --> 00:12:01.600 than once, He's nexted me at seven fifteen p m. 244 00:12:01.720 --> 00:12:03.879 Heading home from work, and strolled through the door of 245 00:12:03.879 --> 00:12:06.320 ten minutes later, energetic, as if he's just warmed up 246 00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:08.519 for a run, not return from nine errors At the 247 00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:11.360 office on a Saturday, he claims there is a client 248 00:12:11.399 --> 00:12:15.559 crisis and leaves before breakfast. He comes home around too energized, 249 00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:17.960 wearin new sneakers and swinging a tote bag printed with 250 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:23.279 a full company logo. What's that? I ask, Curious swag bag, 251 00:12:23.399 --> 00:12:25.759 he replies, saying one of the women at the agency mere. 252 00:12:25.879 --> 00:12:28.559 You'd like her? She quit going away thing. He's breezy, 253 00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:30.960 almost too casual, and packing a branded water bottle and 254 00:12:31.000 --> 00:12:34.360 travel notebook. If I ask further, he shrugs and walks 255 00:12:34.360 --> 00:12:37.080 into the next room. A few days later, there's a 256 00:12:37.080 --> 00:12:39.320 work happier at a roof up bar near the office. 257 00:12:39.879 --> 00:12:42.360 Evan only invites me the morning of, so I cancel 258 00:12:42.399 --> 00:12:44.720 my pilates class and rush of rafter work, feeling a 259 00:12:44.720 --> 00:12:47.799 little frantic. The bar is packed, His coworkers are pleasant, 260 00:12:47.799 --> 00:12:50.440 book Cagy, more interested in the phones than talking to 261 00:12:50.480 --> 00:12:53.960 the wife. Andy is long and lean, tossing nervous glances 262 00:12:53.960 --> 00:12:56.720 at Evan. Vicked howes over the group, shouting about fantasy 263 00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:00.679 football stats. One woman, short and athletic, hair pulled back 264 00:13:00.759 --> 00:13:03.120 so tight her face looks carved, shoots me a glance 265 00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:05.360 and turns away. Laughing quietly into a drink. When Evan 266 00:13:05.399 --> 00:13:09.039 responds to her joke, I wonder, is that mea Nobody 267 00:13:09.080 --> 00:13:12.320 offers to introduce us. Evan just slips his arm around 268 00:13:12.320 --> 00:13:15.080 my waist and starts talking about the rooftop view. When 269 00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:17.200 I fold laundry the next day, I notice a Jim 270 00:13:17.240 --> 00:13:19.840 towel flecked with a lipstick smudge in a bright coral shade. 271 00:13:20.320 --> 00:13:22.879 I stare at her for several seconds, heart clattering, before 272 00:13:22.919 --> 00:13:25.600 I ask Evan just last tossing the towel into the 273 00:13:25.759 --> 00:13:28.840 wash locker room mix up. I guess Andy's wife or 274 00:13:28.879 --> 00:13:32.120 someone uses the same brand. His breeziness feels too quick. 275 00:13:32.759 --> 00:13:35.320 I want to press, but I don't too small to 276 00:13:35.360 --> 00:13:38.639 start an argument. The problem is ever small concern. A 277 00:13:38.720 --> 00:13:41.159 shaer gets bounced back at me. Evan is quick to 278 00:13:41.159 --> 00:13:43.480 flip the script. You're so into rotin'es kel, you make 279 00:13:43.480 --> 00:13:45.919 everything a system. Can you let this brief? Let me breathe. 280 00:13:46.440 --> 00:13:49.120 There's no venom in his delivery, but I feel myself shrinking. 281 00:13:49.159 --> 00:13:52.320 I'm sure if the insistence is reasonable or invasion. At 282 00:13:52.360 --> 00:13:54.679 our anniversary dinner, just a week or two after all this, 283 00:13:54.799 --> 00:13:57.679 start Efon forgets the story of how we met. He 284 00:13:57.720 --> 00:13:59.919 still tells the broad strokes, the pan or the handshake, 285 00:14:00.159 --> 00:14:03.639 my flat joke about authenticity, But now the details off us. 286 00:14:03.679 --> 00:14:05.279 He says, I wore red. It was green that I 287 00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:07.279 made fun of the moderator for twenty minutes. It was 288 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:09.799 him who started it that I left Nekin with my number. 289 00:14:09.879 --> 00:14:12.399 We swap numbers in line for the coach check. I 290 00:14:12.519 --> 00:14:14.519 laugh it off, refusing to make a scene, but my 291 00:14:14.559 --> 00:14:17.360 stomach wabbles the rest of the night. Later that week, 292 00:14:17.399 --> 00:14:20.240 I call my sister Carr. She's always been the person 293 00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:23.559 I check my reality against. I tell her the broad strokes, 294 00:14:23.799 --> 00:14:26.919 leaving up names, worrying I sound like the classic jealous partner. 295 00:14:27.720 --> 00:14:30.759 Maybe he's just moving on, she says, not unkindly and 296 00:14:30.879 --> 00:14:32.840 doesn't know how to say it. Or maybe you're just 297 00:14:32.960 --> 00:14:35.960 reading everything into a few weird weeks. We hang up, 298 00:14:36.159 --> 00:14:39.559 neither of us convince. Almost every day I catch myself 299 00:14:39.600 --> 00:14:41.519 in the mirror, brows pinched, mouth tight, like some one 300 00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:44.399 I don't recognize. I swore i'd never be the wife 301 00:14:44.399 --> 00:14:46.720 who policees her partners ever moved, the girl who thinks 302 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:49.360 her husband's every new friend is a threat. But as 303 00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:52.279 the little moment starts stacking. My confidence gets noisier on 304 00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:55.320 I seeing something real or inventing patterns to justify my unease. 305 00:14:56.000 --> 00:14:58.679 Even when I try to let go, some new thread appears. 306 00:14:59.279 --> 00:15:01.639 I start tracking his calendar in passing a habit that 307 00:15:01.679 --> 00:15:04.679 makes me squirm. He once said, every good relationship is 308 00:15:04.720 --> 00:15:07.080 a trustful kel. But you still got a land somewhere. 309 00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:09.200 I start to wonder if he was prepping me for 310 00:15:09.240 --> 00:15:12.320 the drop. One night, catching up on bells, I spot 311 00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:14.759 a recurring calendar event labeled t r REX at seven 312 00:15:14.759 --> 00:15:17.519 a m set for three straight weeks. TI or X 313 00:15:17.600 --> 00:15:19.799 is the suspension training clusts both of us tried once 314 00:15:19.879 --> 00:15:22.960 un hated. More confusing, those are the days when Evan 315 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:25.360 tells me he's skipping workts to sleep. Days he's home 316 00:15:25.399 --> 00:15:27.679 in bed when I leave, claiming he needs the extra hour. 317 00:15:28.279 --> 00:15:32.399 Why would he block out TI or REX habit forgetfulness? 318 00:15:33.080 --> 00:15:36.320 I finally confront him as gently as I can. I 319 00:15:36.399 --> 00:15:39.039 choose a knife when he seems relax, push shower, sitting 320 00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:40.480 on the couch with a bowl of cyril and not 321 00:15:40.559 --> 00:15:42.960 a care in the world. You've got this TI r 322 00:15:43.120 --> 00:15:45.559 X thing on your calendar. I've noticed you haven't gone lately, 323 00:15:45.600 --> 00:15:48.360 just wondered if you're okay. He narrows his eyes at first, 324 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:51.720 then relaxes so abruptly I feel almost dizzy. Oh God, 325 00:15:51.879 --> 00:15:54.919 he noticed that he seems relieved in no trace of anger, 326 00:15:55.120 --> 00:15:58.639 not even defensiveness. Yeah, I guess I didn't want to 327 00:15:58.639 --> 00:16:00.399 make a big deal. Been feeling off my game. I 328 00:16:00.440 --> 00:16:02.639 wanted to get my energy back for you. Honestly, the 329 00:16:02.679 --> 00:16:05.200 group training helps me reset, but I suck at accountability 330 00:16:05.240 --> 00:16:07.679 of someone's watching. I kept at private less pressure. I 331 00:16:07.720 --> 00:16:10.080 was going to invite you once I felt less embarrassed. 332 00:16:10.519 --> 00:16:13.360 He reaches across, stroking my hand. You know how I 333 00:16:13.399 --> 00:16:15.200 get in a slump. I didn't want us to weird 334 00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:17.840 out over it. Trust me, things will get better. He 335 00:16:17.879 --> 00:16:20.399 offers to cook dinner, kisses me on forehead, and suggests 336 00:16:20.480 --> 00:16:22.679 we plan spontaneous. We can get away his treet to 337 00:16:22.720 --> 00:16:26.320 make up for being as Umbilately, the tension lifts. I 338 00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:29.639 feel sheepish for doubting him. I try very deliberately to 339 00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:31.360 move on, to trust that the rough patch is just 340 00:16:31.399 --> 00:16:34.559 that a patch. I find myself laughing more, letting him 341 00:16:34.559 --> 00:16:36.799 take the leat on plans, letting go of the spreadsheets 342 00:16:36.799 --> 00:16:39.639 and habit track us for a little while. Two days after, 343 00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:41.679 on my way home from work, I swing by the 344 00:16:41.759 --> 00:16:44.799 dry cleaner to grab Evans's best suit. The ticket gives 345 00:16:44.799 --> 00:16:46.559 the wrong pick of time, so I have to wait 346 00:16:46.600 --> 00:16:49.679 twenty aggravating minutes while they rummage in the back. When 347 00:16:49.679 --> 00:16:52.120 I finally get home, I brush his jacket fingers, finding 348 00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:54.360 a crumpled slip of paper wedged in the inside pocket, 349 00:16:54.720 --> 00:16:58.519 softer than a recede. It's a note, a tiny folded 350 00:16:58.519 --> 00:17:01.159 square with need and familiar hand riding cursive which Heaven 351 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:05.079 never uses. The words are simple, yet absolutely thunderous in 352 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:08.319 their intimacy. We'll always love Last Tuesday, red em I 353 00:17:08.400 --> 00:17:11.400 stand there, Jack is sagging over my arm, disbelief, swallowing 354 00:17:11.440 --> 00:17:14.480 any other thought. The signature is just Emma, not a name, 355 00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:17.599 but an initial. The handwriting is round, looped at the 356 00:17:17.599 --> 00:17:20.119 bottom of each letter of feminine hand, or at least 357 00:17:20.279 --> 00:17:23.000 not Evans. I hold it for almost a minute before 358 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:25.759 I slip it back into the pocket. My chest goes hollow. 359 00:17:26.440 --> 00:17:28.839 Last Tuesday Evan claimed he worked late and arrived home 360 00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:32.440 drained by bussing dinner. Now the pieces begin to cry together, 361 00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:34.519 the note, the new clothes, the names that gem. The 362 00:17:34.519 --> 00:17:37.720 mist runs for one long minute. I feel paralyzed between 363 00:17:37.720 --> 00:17:41.519 two opposite truths. I tell myself, maybe it is a prank, 364 00:17:42.200 --> 00:17:45.079 Maybe it got mixed up with dry cleaning. Maybe Andy's 365 00:17:45.079 --> 00:17:48.960 wife left it. Maybe it's a joke. The possibility flickers 366 00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:52.160 then dies. I know the look of this. I know 367 00:17:52.240 --> 00:17:54.279 the way my brain tries to suit your reality until 368 00:17:54.279 --> 00:17:57.359 it can't. I find myself on my laptop late at night, 369 00:17:57.400 --> 00:17:59.680 after Evans fallen asleep on the couch in his jogas 370 00:17:59.720 --> 00:18:02.359 TV flickering the blue light over both of us. I 371 00:18:02.400 --> 00:18:05.720 open Instagram, search for the names Me, Andy, Evik. I 372 00:18:05.799 --> 00:18:08.599 look for agency photos, pictures from their launch parties, group 373 00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:11.920 dinner shops, Jim selfie's tad work fum. I study every 374 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:14.680 new woman's face, scanning for athletes for signs of the 375 00:18:14.680 --> 00:18:17.000 necklace I saw me at happy hour wearing for comments 376 00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:20.039 underneath the photos, I try to match the m with 377 00:18:20.079 --> 00:18:23.000 a mere. In Evans's new followers list, there are a few, 378 00:18:23.160 --> 00:18:26.240 but one stands out. Dark haired strong arms profil picture 379 00:18:26.279 --> 00:18:28.880 with a finish line medal, post about running photos of 380 00:18:28.920 --> 00:18:31.640 matcha Lottis from the cafe near Evans's office. Captions tag 381 00:18:31.640 --> 00:18:34.440 tash Rice and grind hash agentsy life. I want to 382 00:18:34.440 --> 00:18:37.000 believe these are just good colleagues, but the frequency always 383 00:18:37.000 --> 00:18:39.480 the same face in group shots, always the same emoji 384 00:18:39.519 --> 00:18:42.519 replies on Evans photos draws me in. I message Honor, 385 00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:45.400 who works in pr just two buildings over from Evans agency. 386 00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:48.240 I slide a question into our weekly catch up. Have 387 00:18:48.359 --> 00:18:50.119 you ever seen Evan at the cafe near or you? 388 00:18:50.279 --> 00:18:52.880 He says, they go as a work thing. Honor replies, 389 00:18:53.119 --> 00:18:55.839 light and casual. Oh, yes, see him there all the time, 390 00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:57.880 usually with some people I don't know. One's a short, 391 00:18:57.960 --> 00:18:59.960 dark haired woman. They laugh. If I see them again, 392 00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:04.039 then should I say hi? My stomach twists The next day, 393 00:19:04.200 --> 00:19:06.200 check our mutual Gmail account, the one we use for 394 00:19:06.279 --> 00:19:08.680 bills and through delivery, something we agreed to years ago, 395 00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:12.640 a total transparency move that now feels naive. Pepperd miss 396 00:19:12.759 --> 00:19:15.680 utility statements and order confirmations are three receipts from Uber, 397 00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:18.759 all within the last month, dropping Evan just outside the city, 398 00:19:18.799 --> 00:19:21.759 about a thirty minute ride away. Each drop off is 399 00:19:21.799 --> 00:19:23.880 the same Babeutique Houtun near the park, the kind of 400 00:19:23.880 --> 00:19:26.839 place couple slip into for stacations or affairs. Rooms book 401 00:19:26.839 --> 00:19:29.720