Speaker 1: All right, yeay, hey.
Speaker 2: Come on, come on, this is not abuse. Now board
with your host, doctor evangelist hey A. Rich helping you
to admit that you feel in order to heal from
the effect of narcissistic abuse, because your phillies do matter.
How you all doing today. I am happy to be
here today. How about you? I am doctor ko Richard.
This is nark abuse, no more for narcissistic abuse.
Speaker 3: No more.
Speaker 2: Will we help you admit what you feel in order
to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse because your
feelings do matter, Yes they do. I pratt that you
had a blessed and lovely weekend on this We are
here January the twelfth of twenty twenty six. We are
nearing getting very close to the middle of the month.
It's almost here, getting closed in a couple of a
few more days. But I pray that your twenty twenty
six is going well and that you are stress free,
narcissistic free, abuse free, and if not, we are going
to be talking about something so again. But I want
to just let you know that we're on every Monday,
Wednesday and Friday. Yes, we are back every Monday, Wednesday
and Friday. At ten am Easterner Standard time, not am Central.
And we're on various different platforms, So rather than Spotify,
are our heart radio speaker Google, you can find us
on a variety of different platforms and so, and you
can listen to us at the time of your choice.
So that's the great thing about podcasts is that you
know if you're not able to tune in at a
certain time, and guess what, you can listen at the
time of your choice. All right, all right, so what
are we talking about today? We are talking about signs
of a toxic family member Signs of a toxic family member. Today.
We're getting this information from Lifestyle. Actually, the website is
guide to Stressless dot com Guide to Stressless dot Com,
and there are seventeen subtle signs on this particular website
that we're talking about with regards to signs of a
toxicfamily member. But we might not get through all of
these today, but we're gonna try to get through as
many as we can. Now, how many of you dread
the holidays? Okay, we just we had things given, We
had Christmas, we had New Year's all right, So many
of you dread the holidays because you if you don't
have more than one. You got at least you got
at least one toxic family member that you don't know
what bag they're gonna come out of on any given day, Okay,
And so you dread the holidays. I know over the
years when I've done this podcast that I've had people
write to me and tell me that they dread the holidays.
They really do dread the holidays because it could be
a stressful, stressful time and so having a toxic family
member can be especially rough, and especially during the holidays
when you oftentimes you might feel like I'm having to
I'm obligated to go to this event because the family's
gonna be there, but I really don't want to deal
with this particular individual because they are very very It's
always some kind of drama when they're around. But we're
gonna talk about that some signs of knowing if you
have a toxic family member and what can you do
about it? What can you do about it? So Number one,
one of the signs that you have a toxic family
member is they're always criticizing you. It's constant criticism, and
so when you're dealing with individuals they always find fault
with something you do. You didn't make the potato sell
it right, or you didn't come in at a certain time,
or you you know, it's always something you can never
do anything right when it comes to this toxic family member.
They may not like the way your appearance is or
or the choices you've made, or whatever case may be
nothing that you ever do will be right, and that
could be one of the signs that you might be
having to deal with if you're dealing with a toxic
family member. Number Two. One thing that they hate, and
we often talk about this with regards to narcissists, they
hate boundaries. They hate boundaries, so they totally just disregard
your feelings, disregard your boundaries, disregard or invade your personal
space or privacy. And it's difficult to help to maintain
a relationship with someone when they don't respect your boundaries.
You might have a boundary that says, you know what,
I don't talk about politics with people because there tends
to be a lot of strife with regards to that,
so I choose not to involve myself in that particular conversation.
But even though that particular person may know where you stand,
with it, they'll still try to to impede those boundaries.
So you definitely have to stand your ground when it
comes to these toxic family members when they don't want
to respect your boundaries. Number three, another thing is you
when you if you have a toxic family member. It
could be a parent, it could be a sibling, it
could be an uncle aunt, whoever, they display manipulative behavior.
Manipulative behavior, so they guilt trip. They guilt trip you
in order to get you to do whatever it is
that they want from you. Okay, So if you don't
want to do something, then they're gonna throw the guilt
trip to try to get your sympathy or devalue your
feelings about a particular thing. Okay. So if you don't
want to, for example, you say, you know what, this year,
I'm not I'm gonna stay home, I'm not going to
the family dinner this year. Okay, Well, that manipulative person
will guilt you. Well, everybody's gonna be here and you're
the only one and you're the only sour puss or
whatever case may be. Okay, so they will try to
guilt you to do whatever it is that they want
to do. And this also goes into trying to uh
break the boundaries. Okay, you might say, you know, I'm
setting this up for myself this particular year or whatever
case may be, and I don't want to be involved,
but they will manipulate you and try to uh still
guilt you into doing whatever it is that they want
because it's all about power and control. Another thing, when
you're dealing with a toxic family member, you may notice
that you're dealing with someone that emotionally black mails you.
Emotionally black mails you so they threaten to withdraw their love,
their support. Let me just say this, love, real love
is unconditional. Okay. It doesn't mean that you let people
do anything and everything to you. But the thing is,
when someone truly loves you, they're not gonna be one minute,
oh I'm gonna give my love, and the next minute,
oh I'm gonna withdraw my love. Okay, if they truly
truly love you, they're not gonna play these emotional manipulative games.
So when you but you, when you're dealing with the
toxic individual, they will try to use this emotional black
mal if you don't comply with their wishes, and therefore
they make you feel guilty or they they emotionally. It's
basically emotional abuse. Okay, it's very unhealthy. So you're on
this roller coaster with this person that one man they
love you, one man think they don't. It's just like
with kids when they sometimes they will get a flower
pedal and pick the flower pedals. Love me, love me
not love me, love me not. Well, this is how
you're the same game. You're playing with these type of
emotional blackmailers, these toxic family members. And another thing is
you will know that you have a toxic family member
when they have control issues. Okay, so they will control
try to control anything that you do. They dictate how
you should live your life and what decisions you make.
This is not for someone who may be strung out
on drugs and you have some intervention with family members
trying to get them back on the right track. No,
this is not that. These are people that try to
micro manage you. They try to instead of letting you
be the adult, let you make your own decisions, they
try to manipulate and control the things that you do
when it's not their uh, their business. Okay, so you
make a decision, You're fine with that decision. It has
nothing to do with that individual, but they will try
to control you by telling you what you need to
do when it actually is none of of their business.
And let me just say this, Yes, there are things
that are none of your family's business. Okay. If you're
in your own house, okay, you're paying your own bills,
you're buying your own food, you're not trying to get
anything from them. Some things are not their business. You
don't how to tell everybody your business just because they're
related to you, all right. Some things are just not
your business. Some things I don't want to know. Okay,
I don't want to know, even if you relate to me.
Some things it's just not my business. I don't want
to know. Okay. But when you're dealing with control freaks, okay,
they want to manipulate everything, control every single thing. And
this again, this could be parents, this could be siblings,
these could be extended family members. So when you have
a toxic family member, this is one of the traits
that they do. They're very controlling. Another thing is you
will find that when you're dealing with this person is
always some drama. Okay, you you you as long as
you don't deal with this person you're you're you're probably
stressed free, okay. You you have you have that one
family member that every time you get involved with them,
you it's always some kind of drama. As long as
you stay away from there's no drama, okay. So it's
always some upheaval when you're when you're dealing with this
type of person. They cause anxiety, they call stress, they
cause pain that your your health might be uh uh
impacted negatively because you're dealing with somebody that is always
some drama, okay you And and the thing is, don't
most of us don't want to deal with drama.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't want to deal with the drama. Okay,
uh leave that for somebody else, you know. But and
and let me just say this, because some people say, well,
do I have to deal with a person just because
they're my family? Absolutely not, okay, absolutely not. Even g
had to leave his family to go and do ministry. Okay.
It didn't mean he didn't love them, but he you know,
they his brothers and sisters, and during the time until
he went to the cross, they didn't accept him as
the savior. Okay, oh, this is the brother. They did
not understand that he was the son of God, all right.
So so sometimes you have to break ties even with
certain family members. Just because their blood don't mean that
they have the right to abuse, misuse, or mistreat you.
And you have to set those boundaries. And we all
have fallen, maybe fallen guilty to where someone that may
have been close to you and you took a little
more off of that particular person because they may have
been related or you might have been a relationship with them.
But you have to finally say enough is enough. And
just because someone is blood does not mean that they
get a chance to abuse you. You have to say no,
all right, We're gonna take a quick break and we'll
be back in just a moment.
Speaker 4: M mm hmmm, who.
Speaker 3: M I searched through the storms, through the silence and pain,
looking follow that would still remain.
Speaker 5: But every door holds Let me to you.
Speaker 3: Now I see real love, Candle.
Speaker 2: You didn't just have me go crave me home? Good
such man.
Speaker 1: Boots can't h not soul.
Speaker 5: With every word, you remind me to whom is in
the place it's found you. If you are.
Speaker 1: Found home, a love build all graces stop. When the
world feels cold and fireway. Yours are therd flaws. Stay
with your life bound piece a love.
Speaker 2: That makes my.
Speaker 1: Face cecy yours. I see, guys, these are.
Speaker 2: Yours. Hang your laws and your body problem.
Speaker 4: Your man's are pred my soft amend, my beginning, my forever,
my friend.
Speaker 2: We walko fellies.
Speaker 4: Square through the night.
Speaker 1: Burty lot of hell less and pay around her showy patience.
He love that fucks of faith that breathe a grace
than this.
Speaker 2: I don't emains.
Speaker 6: It's just your bread.
Speaker 1: And to fall you palk the long brace.
Speaker 2: The nor feels called f rbs out.
Speaker 1: The flares because we can go.
Speaker 2: I found patch about.
Speaker 5: That makes puffy cec passy gusts field.
Speaker 2: Or was your pa.
Speaker 1: Wasn't beating all before the time Suppo didn of the
world f well, rebet Jesus with you, flo mercy after half.
Speaker 5: I'll thank God each day as I sang your my heart.
Speaker 1: Say please, please you.
Speaker 4: I found all my soul.
Speaker 2: May roll and that is with you. I found home.
I don't know who actually sings that, but it's a
Christian love song about God being in the center. And
I pray that you all will be blessed by that.
All right, So another another trait of someone who is
toxic within the family, because yes, there are some toxic
family members. It's another trade is jealousy and competition, and
it's crazy when it comes from within the family. Okay,
So they look at your success or your achievements as
a threat or an attack on them. Come on, now,
that is crazy. So they will downplay your accomplishments. They
will try to undermine your self worth, and they cannot
be happy for you, even though they're your family member.
So we should never be what we're competing with, especially
our family members. You know, whatever God has for you
is for you, all right. We're not all gonna be
the same. This world will be a boring place if
we all were exactly the same, all right. But when
you have that jealousy, that jealousy within the individual will
cause them to compete with you, okay, and they if
they can't be you, they will downplay anything that you
try to achieve. It doesn't matter if whatever you achieve
in life. You can you can win an Academy award
and they would downplay it. You can get your doctor
degree and they would downplay it. You could you could
become a millionaire and they would downplay it. So this
is one of the things that that toxic individuals do.
They will downplay your achievements because they are jealousy. Or
they will try to compete with you. So you can
be doing something, you could be striving for something. Guess
what that person will try to do what you're doing
or better okay, or belter. So this is toxic. This
is toxic. This is really saying that this person doesn't
feel good about themselves, because anytime you got to recompete
with somebody else, that's saying, you know what, I really
don't feel good about who I am, so therefore I
got to hate on someone else. It's okay. You have
people that drink what they call hater rate, hater rade okay,
you know, gatorade, hater rate. They're they're gulping it down. Gup, gup, gup, gup. Okay.
Another thing is when you have toxic family members, they
will have selective memory on things that they do to
hurt or harm you. They will conveniently forget promises they made,
agreements they made. They will blame you for their misdeeds,
the things that they've done wrong. That and this can
be frustrating. Because you're wondering, why is this person like this,
and it's because they're a toxic individual. So when you
have someone that makes a promise to you and they
don't keep it, that's toxic. Okay, that's saying something about
that person. Now, the sad thing when you got a
toxic fa remember a toxic individual, what they'll do is
when you confront them about what they've done, they'll try
to flip the script and make you feel as if
you're the one that's wrong. This is someone who doesn't
take responsibility for their own actions. Or they'll try to
drudge up something from seventeen seventy six, something that they
feel that you did wrong, and so instead of taking
accountability for the for the present, they'll try to drug
us some old stuff for their argument. All right, So
this is a toxic individual. Another thing, when you're dealing
with a toxic family member, you can also expect unpredictable behavior.
Unpredictable behavior because they're never emotionally stable. You know, the
Bible says in the Book of James that a double
minded man is unstable and all their ways, and so
that's how when you're dealing with a toxic family member
that has unpredictable behavior. This is how they actually are.
They switch between being nice and being hostile. You constantly
walking around on eggshells because this person is very much
toxic and how that unpredictable behavior Again, it's like giving
you whiplash. You never know what they're gonna be on
any given day. So it can be very draining when
you're dealing with someone with unpredictable behavior, when they're toxic,
when they're narcissistic, when you just don't know what kind
of emotional state that they're going to be in on
any given day, which leads us to our next one.
Next one is their emotionally draining. Emotionally draining. Now, we
talked about I believe on the last podcast as where
when you're dealing with emotional vampires. Okay, so when you're
dealing with a highly toxic person in your family, just
interacting with them or going around them can feel exhausting. Okay,
it can be totally mentally physically and spiritually draining, all right,
and you and it kind of can take you off
balance because you're feeling like I'm responsible for this person's
emotional wellbeing. No, you're not. You're not responsible for someone
else's emotional wellbeing when they won't get the help that
they need. Okay, so some people they you know, they
want you to feel like well, their happiness rely on
what you do. No, their happiness rely on them getting
the help that they need. Another thing, when you're dealing
with toxic family members, they can have passive aggressive communication.
Passive aggressive communication so therefore they will slide remarks, sin
sarcastic comments. This is another form of emotional abuse. They
take out their anger and frustrations of frustrations on you
in a passive aggressive way. So they may not do
it directly, but they'll do it indirectly. They might give
backhanded compliments or whatever, and this is again is a
type of manipulative abuse when they're passive aggressive. Instead of
them coming out and saying directly, then they throw in
under handed remarks. Another thing, when you're dealing with the
toxic family member, you also may deal with isolation tactics.
Isolation tactics where you may have been alienated from other
family members and why because that toxic individual will sometimes
go around and do a smear campaign even with other
family members, and then you wind up feeling isolated so
I'm gonna read this part. According to the Business Insider,
one way this may happen is through favoritism, which makes
adults from the families exhibiting favoritism report feeling more lonely
and growing up than more lonely growing up than others
from families that didn't. So you know, sometimes this favoritism
where even in with children, one is preferred over the other,
and this can even be through adults. Okay, So it's
this is why it's so important to have your own
sense of self worth or your own sense of self worth,
because if you rely on that toxic individual to be
the one that determines your value your self worth, then
you're always gonna be looking for validation from that person,
and what they give they will take away. And therefore
you don't want to be on this roller coaster where
I'm going up and down, up and down with your
self esteem, with your self worth. You have to know
who you are. I love the Summits when he said
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, And I know that
full well. You have to know within yourself that God
fearfully and wonderfully made you. Another thing with regards to
with regards to toxic family members, is they disregard They
have a disregard for your needs. They they leave, they
leave your knees on the side of the road. Okay,
So they expect you to prioritize theirs instead of your own.
They they they want you to be empathetic towards them,
but they're not empathetic towards your struggles and your emotions.
And then the only time they are interested is if
something is bad where they can get their narcissistic supply
off of it. So if something bad happens to you, oh,
they want to hear about it, they want to feed
off of it, and they may even offer you a
little worm to bait you into thinking, oh, I'm really
caring for you, when they actually don't. Okay. So and again,
when you're dealing with narcissists, be careful of the baits, okay,
where they reel you in so they give you a
little a little bit of oh attention, oh, I empathize,
I feel for you whatever, and then as soon as
they get you on the hook, then bam, your caught
and you're in the frying pan. So you definitely want
to be on guard with regards to these people, you know.
The thing is is that it's so important to ask
God for spiritual discernment so that you will be able
to discern who's right and who's wrong, who is and
who's not. Okay, because everyone is not like this, but
you definitely have to be careful and worry of the
ones who are and know, Okay, this is what I'm
dealing with. You don't wanna have cognitive dissonance where you're
in between two opinions. No, you need to know that
this is who they are. They've shown you who they are.
And Mayo Angelo used to say, if they show you
who they are, believe them.
Speaker 5: We U.
Speaker 2: Yes, you definitely want to believe that. Once a person
shows you who they are, believe them. Okay, you don't
have to keep constantly proving to me that this is
who you are. Believe them that they have shown you
who they are, all right. The thing is, we oftentimes
hope for that person to change. And I always make
this disclaimer that yes, people can change if they submit
fully to Christ. But the thing is is that when
you're dealing with most narcissists, when you're dealing with a
lot of toxic individuals, unless they go get counseling and
also submit themselves to Christ. They will not change. So
you're hoping and believing and saying, oh, they're gonna change.
They're gonna change until they show true, genuine repentance for
what they've done. Okay, I'm not talking about temporary change
just to get back in your good graces, just to
have the cycle overbuse start all over again. I'm talking
about when they actually do repent and turn from their
wicked ways, then you can say, Okay, they've changed. Emotional instability.
Emotional instability when you're dealing with people that are toxic,
they're often emotionally unstable. Okay, they again they are prone
to react and be impulsive and irrational, and how these
extreme mood swings and highs and lows, and you cannot
you cannot handle or deal with the relationtionship that is
constantly up and down, up and down, up and down,
up and down. So it's like you want this, uh
what you call it? I forget the thing that you
jump on this You probably know what I'm talking about,
but anyway, the it's slipped my mind, but it actually
where you jumping on. It's a trampling trampling, that's right, trampling,
and you're jumping up and down, up and down, up
and down. So that's how this emotional relationship is with
this toxic individual, up and down, up and down. And
even when you have some periods where you're in that
honeymoon honeymoon phase during the cycles it remember it is
a cycle of abuse that's gonna may last for an
extended period of topic, it's gonna go right back around
to being abuse. Now I'm not talking about relationships. You
have relationships that if any relationship, and especially if you're married,
you're gonna go through maybe some highs and lows. That's
just being in a relationship period. But I'm talking about
when it when it's in the abuse stage. Okay, when
you're dealing with abuse, and again, abuse is not always physical,
all right. Abuse is not always physical. Abuse comes in
different forms. Another thing, when you're dealing with a toxic individual,
you're also dealing with one that will blame, shift, blame, shift,
So again, they never they're never accountable, They never take
accountability for their own actions. If they do something wrong,
they will blame and shift it on the other person.
All right, you're the reason why this didn't happen for them,
or they filled in life with something, or they have
a particular problem, or whatever the case may be, it's
always you. They will never take accountability for their own actions,
so when they do something wrong, they will shift the
blame on to you. It's your fault. You're the reason
why they're doing or displaying their bad behavior. And again,
they don't want to be confronted about it. When you're
dealing with the toxic individual, they don't want to be
confronted about their bad behavior, so this is why they
go into the shifting, the blame shift. Another thing is
their particular love. When you're dealing with a toxic family member,
their love is conditional. Their love is conditional, Okay. They
don't understand what unconditional love is. So basically, as long
as you meet their needs, okay, then they will offer love.
But when you go outside of the realm of their needs,
then they give you a form of punishment. Okay. They
want to control, so they do not know what unconditional
love is. Their unconditional love has all types of conditions,
It has all types of strings, it has all types
of little manipulative tools that they use against you. Last,
but not least, they invalidate your feelings. They invalidate your feelings.
They they devalue you. They do not actually listen to you.
They trivialize, trivilize your your emotions. They refuse to acknowledge
that you do have feelings. So theirs matter, but yours don't.
They're unempathetic to you, but they want you to empathize
with them, and and with that type of person, you
you really have to uh to have your guard up
with them at all times, because as soon as you
let your guard down, they will be like a flooding
river that wants the Once the damn breaks, then it overflows.
Once the levees break, is gonna overflow. Okay, that's when
you get all the EMO, the emotional abuse, spiritual abuse,
financial abuse, verbal abuse, uh uh, physical sexual whatever the
case may be. You you let the f your your
you let the levees down, and then you're gonna have
this overwhelming flood of all these different types of abuses,
and it's gonna be damaging to you. So what can
you do? What can you do about this? You? You
definitely need to do the opposite, Okay. You when you
when you know someone is abusive, they're manipulative, they're controlling.
You have to set your boundaries.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 2: One thing I I tell people is that if you
have a hard time knowing even how to start, go
to go to counseling. Go to counseling, go to therapy.
Don't allow someone to drag you down. Go to therapy.
Get the help that you need. And sometimes it means
distancing yourself from that person just for your own emotional health.
There you know, it's just because someone is a family
member doesn't mean that you have to be around them.
It doesn't matter who they are, because if they're emotionally
damaging you, then that means that you need to take
a break or distance yourself from that individual for your
own emotional health. Just because you love someone doesn't mean
that you have to allow them or to abuse you.
It means that, hey, I gotta take care of myself.
You have to make sure that you take care of
your own self, your own emotional health. You know, because
the person that's doing the abuse, they're not caring about you,
so you have to care about you. And Proverb chapter four.
Proverbs chapter four, in verse twenty three, it says, above
all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows
from it. The Word of God tells us to guard
our hearts, and therefore you need to guard yours. That
means that you don't let anyone and everyone enter your space.
Do not let anyone and everyone invade your space, guard
your own heart, all right. We are a body here.
I pray that today's a podcast has been a blessing
to you and that you will know that guess what
your feelings do matter. This is doctor ko Rich until times.
Speaker 6: Thessssssst tossssssssssst presents into this