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Speaker 1: All right, yeay, hey.

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Speaker 2: Come on, come on, this is not abuse. Now board

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with your host, doctor evangelist hey A. Rich helping you

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to admit that you feel in order to heal from

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the effect of narcissistic abuse, because your phillies do matter.

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How you all doing today. I am happy to be

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here today. How about you? I am doctor ko Richard.

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This is nark abuse, no more for narcissistic abuse.

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Speaker 3: No more.

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Speaker 2: Will we help you admit what you feel in order

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to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse because your

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feelings do matter, Yes they do. I pratt that you

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had a blessed and lovely weekend on this We are

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here January the twelfth of twenty twenty six. We are

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nearing getting very close to the middle of the month.

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It's almost here, getting closed in a couple of a

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few more days. But I pray that your twenty twenty

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six is going well and that you are stress free,

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narcissistic free, abuse free, and if not, we are going

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to be talking about something so again. But I want

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to just let you know that we're on every Monday,

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Wednesday and Friday. Yes, we are back every Monday, Wednesday

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and Friday. At ten am Easterner Standard time, not am Central.

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And we're on various different platforms, So rather than Spotify,

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are our heart radio speaker Google, you can find us

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on a variety of different platforms and so, and you

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can listen to us at the time of your choice.

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So that's the great thing about podcasts is that you

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know if you're not able to tune in at a

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certain time, and guess what, you can listen at the

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time of your choice. All right, all right, so what

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are we talking about today? We are talking about signs

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of a toxic family member Signs of a toxic family member. Today.

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We're getting this information from Lifestyle. Actually, the website is

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guide to Stressless dot com Guide to Stressless dot Com,

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and there are seventeen subtle signs on this particular website

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that we're talking about with regards to signs of a

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toxicfamily member. But we might not get through all of

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these today, but we're gonna try to get through as

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many as we can. Now, how many of you dread

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the holidays? Okay, we just we had things given, We

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had Christmas, we had New Year's all right, So many

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of you dread the holidays because you if you don't

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have more than one. You got at least you got

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at least one toxic family member that you don't know

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what bag they're gonna come out of on any given day, Okay,

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And so you dread the holidays. I know over the

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years when I've done this podcast that I've had people

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write to me and tell me that they dread the holidays.

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They really do dread the holidays because it could be

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a stressful, stressful time and so having a toxic family

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member can be especially rough, and especially during the holidays

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when you oftentimes you might feel like I'm having to

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I'm obligated to go to this event because the family's

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gonna be there, but I really don't want to deal

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with this particular individual because they are very very It's

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always some kind of drama when they're around. But we're

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gonna talk about that some signs of knowing if you

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have a toxic family member and what can you do

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about it? What can you do about it? So Number one,

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one of the signs that you have a toxic family

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member is they're always criticizing you. It's constant criticism, and

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so when you're dealing with individuals they always find fault

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with something you do. You didn't make the potato sell

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it right, or you didn't come in at a certain time,

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or you you know, it's always something you can never

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do anything right when it comes to this toxic family member.

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They may not like the way your appearance is or

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or the choices you've made, or whatever case may be

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nothing that you ever do will be right, and that

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could be one of the signs that you might be

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having to deal with if you're dealing with a toxic

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family member. Number Two. One thing that they hate, and

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we often talk about this with regards to narcissists, they

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hate boundaries. They hate boundaries, so they totally just disregard

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your feelings, disregard your boundaries, disregard or invade your personal

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space or privacy. And it's difficult to help to maintain

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a relationship with someone when they don't respect your boundaries.

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You might have a boundary that says, you know what,

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I don't talk about politics with people because there tends

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to be a lot of strife with regards to that,

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so I choose not to involve myself in that particular conversation.

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But even though that particular person may know where you stand,

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with it, they'll still try to to impede those boundaries.

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So you definitely have to stand your ground when it

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comes to these toxic family members when they don't want

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to respect your boundaries. Number three, another thing is you

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when you if you have a toxic family member. It

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could be a parent, it could be a sibling, it

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could be an uncle aunt, whoever, they display manipulative behavior.

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Manipulative behavior, so they guilt trip. They guilt trip you

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in order to get you to do whatever it is

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that they want from you. Okay, So if you don't

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want to do something, then they're gonna throw the guilt

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trip to try to get your sympathy or devalue your

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feelings about a particular thing. Okay. So if you don't

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want to, for example, you say, you know what, this year,

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I'm not I'm gonna stay home, I'm not going to

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the family dinner this year. Okay, Well, that manipulative person

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will guilt you. Well, everybody's gonna be here and you're

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the only one and you're the only sour puss or

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whatever case may be. Okay, so they will try to

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guilt you to do whatever it is that they want

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to do. And this also goes into trying to uh

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break the boundaries. Okay, you might say, you know, I'm

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setting this up for myself this particular year or whatever

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case may be, and I don't want to be involved,

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but they will manipulate you and try to uh still

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guilt you into doing whatever it is that they want

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because it's all about power and control. Another thing, when

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you're dealing with a toxic family member, you may notice

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that you're dealing with someone that emotionally black mails you.

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Emotionally black mails you so they threaten to withdraw their love,

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their support. Let me just say this, love, real love

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is unconditional. Okay. It doesn't mean that you let people

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do anything and everything to you. But the thing is,

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when someone truly loves you, they're not gonna be one minute,

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oh I'm gonna give my love, and the next minute,

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oh I'm gonna withdraw my love. Okay, if they truly

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truly love you, they're not gonna play these emotional manipulative games.

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So when you but you, when you're dealing with the

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toxic individual, they will try to use this emotional black

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mal if you don't comply with their wishes, and therefore

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they make you feel guilty or they they emotionally. It's

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basically emotional abuse. Okay, it's very unhealthy. So you're on

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this roller coaster with this person that one man they

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love you, one man think they don't. It's just like

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with kids when they sometimes they will get a flower

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pedal and pick the flower pedals. Love me, love me

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not love me, love me not. Well, this is how

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you're the same game. You're playing with these type of

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emotional blackmailers, these toxic family members. And another thing is

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you will know that you have a toxic family member

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when they have control issues. Okay, so they will control

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try to control anything that you do. They dictate how

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you should live your life and what decisions you make.

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This is not for someone who may be strung out

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on drugs and you have some intervention with family members

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trying to get them back on the right track. No,

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this is not that. These are people that try to

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micro manage you. They try to instead of letting you

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be the adult, let you make your own decisions, they

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try to manipulate and control the things that you do

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when it's not their uh, their business. Okay, so you

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make a decision, You're fine with that decision. It has

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nothing to do with that individual, but they will try

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to control you by telling you what you need to

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do when it actually is none of of their business.

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And let me just say this, Yes, there are things

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that are none of your family's business. Okay. If you're

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in your own house, okay, you're paying your own bills,

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you're buying your own food, you're not trying to get

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anything from them. Some things are not their business. You

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don't how to tell everybody your business just because they're

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related to you, all right. Some things are just not

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your business. Some things I don't want to know. Okay,

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I don't want to know, even if you relate to me.

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Some things it's just not my business. I don't want

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to know. Okay. But when you're dealing with control freaks, okay,

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they want to manipulate everything, control every single thing. And

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this again, this could be parents, this could be siblings,

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these could be extended family members. So when you have

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a toxic family member, this is one of the traits

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that they do. They're very controlling. Another thing is you

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will find that when you're dealing with this person is

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always some drama. Okay, you you you as long as

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you don't deal with this person you're you're you're probably

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stressed free, okay. You you have you have that one

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family member that every time you get involved with them,

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you it's always some kind of drama. As long as

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you stay away from there's no drama, okay. So it's

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always some upheaval when you're when you're dealing with this

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type of person. They cause anxiety, they call stress, they

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cause pain that your your health might be uh uh

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impacted negatively because you're dealing with somebody that is always

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some drama, okay you And and the thing is, don't

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most of us don't want to deal with drama.

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Speaker 3: I know.

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Speaker 2: I don't. I don't want to deal with the drama. Okay,

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uh leave that for somebody else, you know. But and

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and let me just say this, because some people say, well,

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do I have to deal with a person just because

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they're my family? Absolutely not, okay, absolutely not. Even g

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had to leave his family to go and do ministry. Okay.

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It didn't mean he didn't love them, but he you know,

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they his brothers and sisters, and during the time until

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he went to the cross, they didn't accept him as

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the savior. Okay, oh, this is the brother. They did

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not understand that he was the son of God, all right.

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So so sometimes you have to break ties even with

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certain family members. Just because their blood don't mean that

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they have the right to abuse, misuse, or mistreat you.

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And you have to set those boundaries. And we all

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have fallen, maybe fallen guilty to where someone that may

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have been close to you and you took a little

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more off of that particular person because they may have

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been related or you might have been a relationship with them.

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But you have to finally say enough is enough. And

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just because someone is blood does not mean that they

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get a chance to abuse you. You have to say no,

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all right, We're gonna take a quick break and we'll

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be back in just a moment.

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Speaker 4: M mm hmmm, who.

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Speaker 3: M I searched through the storms, through the silence and pain,

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looking follow that would still remain.

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Speaker 5: But every door holds Let me to you.

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Speaker 3: Now I see real love, Candle.

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Speaker 2: You didn't just have me go crave me home? Good

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such man.

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Speaker 1: Boots can't h not soul.

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Speaker 5: With every word, you remind me to whom is in

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the place it's found you. If you are.

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Speaker 1: Found home, a love build all graces stop. When the

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world feels cold and fireway. Yours are therd flaws. Stay

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with your life bound piece a love.

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Speaker 2: That makes my.

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Speaker 1: Face cecy yours. I see, guys, these are.

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Speaker 2: Yours. Hang your laws and your body problem.

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Speaker 4: Your man's are pred my soft amend, my beginning, my forever,

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my friend.

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Speaker 2: We walko fellies.

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Speaker 4: Square through the night.

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Speaker 1: Burty lot of hell less and pay around her showy patience.

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He love that fucks of faith that breathe a grace

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than this.

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Speaker 2: I don't emains.

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Speaker 6: It's just your bread.

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Speaker 1: And to fall you palk the long brace.

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Speaker 2: The nor feels called f rbs out.

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Speaker 1: The flares because we can go.

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Speaker 2: I found patch about.

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Speaker 5: That makes puffy cec passy gusts field.

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Speaker 2: Or was your pa.

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Speaker 1: Wasn't beating all before the time Suppo didn of the

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world f well, rebet Jesus with you, flo mercy after half.

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Speaker 5: I'll thank God each day as I sang your my heart.

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Speaker 1: Say please, please you.

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Speaker 4: I found all my soul.

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Speaker 2: May roll and that is with you. I found home.

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I don't know who actually sings that, but it's a

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Christian love song about God being in the center. And

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I pray that you all will be blessed by that.

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All right, So another another trait of someone who is

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toxic within the family, because yes, there are some toxic

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family members. It's another trade is jealousy and competition, and

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it's crazy when it comes from within the family. Okay,

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So they look at your success or your achievements as

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a threat or an attack on them. Come on, now,

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that is crazy. So they will downplay your accomplishments. They

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will try to undermine your self worth, and they cannot

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be happy for you, even though they're your family member.

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So we should never be what we're competing with, especially

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our family members. You know, whatever God has for you

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is for you, all right. We're not all gonna be

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the same. This world will be a boring place if

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we all were exactly the same, all right. But when

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you have that jealousy, that jealousy within the individual will

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cause them to compete with you, okay, and they if

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they can't be you, they will downplay anything that you

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try to achieve. It doesn't matter if whatever you achieve

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in life. You can you can win an Academy award

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and they would downplay it. You can get your doctor

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degree and they would downplay it. You could you could

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become a millionaire and they would downplay it. So this

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is one of the things that that toxic individuals do.

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They will downplay your achievements because they are jealousy. Or

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they will try to compete with you. So you can

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be doing something, you could be striving for something. Guess

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what that person will try to do what you're doing

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or better okay, or belter. So this is toxic. This

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is toxic. This is really saying that this person doesn't

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feel good about themselves, because anytime you got to recompete

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with somebody else, that's saying, you know what, I really

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don't feel good about who I am, so therefore I

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got to hate on someone else. It's okay. You have

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people that drink what they call hater rate, hater rade okay,

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you know, gatorade, hater rate. They're they're gulping it down. Gup, gup, gup, gup. Okay.

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Another thing is when you have toxic family members, they

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will have selective memory on things that they do to

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hurt or harm you. They will conveniently forget promises they made,

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agreements they made. They will blame you for their misdeeds,

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the things that they've done wrong. That and this can

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be frustrating. Because you're wondering, why is this person like this,

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and it's because they're a toxic individual. So when you

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have someone that makes a promise to you and they

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don't keep it, that's toxic. Okay, that's saying something about

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that person. Now, the sad thing when you got a

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toxic fa remember a toxic individual, what they'll do is

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when you confront them about what they've done, they'll try

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to flip the script and make you feel as if

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you're the one that's wrong. This is someone who doesn't

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take responsibility for their own actions. Or they'll try to

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drudge up something from seventeen seventy six, something that they

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feel that you did wrong, and so instead of taking

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accountability for the for the present, they'll try to drug

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us some old stuff for their argument. All right, So

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this is a toxic individual. Another thing, when you're dealing

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with a toxic family member, you can also expect unpredictable behavior.

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Unpredictable behavior because they're never emotionally stable. You know, the

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Bible says in the Book of James that a double

301
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minded man is unstable and all their ways, and so

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that's how when you're dealing with a toxic family member

303
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that has unpredictable behavior. This is how they actually are.

304
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They switch between being nice and being hostile. You constantly

305
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walking around on eggshells because this person is very much

306
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toxic and how that unpredictable behavior Again, it's like giving

307
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you whiplash. You never know what they're gonna be on

308
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:34,480
any given day. So it can be very draining when

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you're dealing with someone with unpredictable behavior, when they're toxic,

310
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when they're narcissistic, when you just don't know what kind

311
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of emotional state that they're going to be in on

312
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any given day, which leads us to our next one.

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Next one is their emotionally draining. Emotionally draining. Now, we

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talked about I believe on the last podcast as where

315
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when you're dealing with emotional vampires. Okay, so when you're

316
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dealing with a highly toxic person in your family, just

317
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interacting with them or going around them can feel exhausting. Okay,

318
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it can be totally mentally physically and spiritually draining, all right,

319
00:23:22,319 --> 00:23:25,599
and you and it kind of can take you off

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00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:29,680
balance because you're feeling like I'm responsible for this person's

321
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emotional wellbeing. No, you're not. You're not responsible for someone

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else's emotional wellbeing when they won't get the help that

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they need. Okay, so some people they you know, they

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want you to feel like well, their happiness rely on

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00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:50,519
what you do. No, their happiness rely on them getting

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the help that they need. Another thing, when you're dealing

327
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with toxic family members, they can have passive aggressive communication.

328
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Passive aggressive communication so therefore they will slide remarks, sin

329
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sarcastic comments. This is another form of emotional abuse. They

330
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take out their anger and frustrations of frustrations on you

331
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in a passive aggressive way. So they may not do

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00:24:23,079 --> 00:24:27,039
it directly, but they'll do it indirectly. They might give

333
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backhanded compliments or whatever, and this is again is a

334
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:38,960
type of manipulative abuse when they're passive aggressive. Instead of

335
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:42,440
them coming out and saying directly, then they throw in

336
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:47,160
under handed remarks. Another thing, when you're dealing with the

337
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:52,000
toxic family member, you also may deal with isolation tactics.

338
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Isolation tactics where you may have been alienated from other

339
00:24:57,079 --> 00:25:03,039
family members and why because that toxic individual will sometimes

340
00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:06,240
go around and do a smear campaign even with other

341
00:25:06,519 --> 00:25:12,319
family members, and then you wind up feeling isolated so

342
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I'm gonna read this part. According to the Business Insider,

343
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one way this may happen is through favoritism, which makes

344
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adults from the families exhibiting favoritism report feeling more lonely

345
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:30,160
and growing up than more lonely growing up than others

346
00:25:30,519 --> 00:25:35,240
from families that didn't. So you know, sometimes this favoritism

347
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where even in with children, one is preferred over the other,

348
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and this can even be through adults. Okay, So it's

349
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this is why it's so important to have your own

350
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:50,359
sense of self worth or your own sense of self worth,

351
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,640
because if you rely on that toxic individual to be

352
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,119
the one that determines your value your self worth, then

353
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you're always gonna be looking for validation from that person,

354
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and what they give they will take away. And therefore

355
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:08,359
you don't want to be on this roller coaster where

356
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,079
I'm going up and down, up and down with your

357
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,759
self esteem, with your self worth. You have to know

358
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who you are. I love the Summits when he said

359
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,720
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, And I know that

360
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full well. You have to know within yourself that God

361
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:34,279
fearfully and wonderfully made you. Another thing with regards to

362
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with regards to toxic family members, is they disregard They

363
00:26:42,599 --> 00:26:47,160
have a disregard for your needs. They they leave, they

364
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,559
leave your knees on the side of the road. Okay,

365
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:55,880
So they expect you to prioritize theirs instead of your own.

366
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They they they want you to be empathetic towards them,

367
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:05,039
but they're not empathetic towards your struggles and your emotions.

368
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And then the only time they are interested is if

369
00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:13,079
something is bad where they can get their narcissistic supply

370
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,200
off of it. So if something bad happens to you, oh,

371
00:27:16,279 --> 00:27:19,119
they want to hear about it, they want to feed

372
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:21,839
off of it, and they may even offer you a

373
00:27:22,039 --> 00:27:27,119
little worm to bait you into thinking, oh, I'm really

374
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:32,599
caring for you, when they actually don't. Okay. So and again,

375
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:35,839
when you're dealing with narcissists, be careful of the baits, okay,

376
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,920
where they reel you in so they give you a

377
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:43,240
little a little bit of oh attention, oh, I empathize,

378
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,559
I feel for you whatever, and then as soon as

379
00:27:45,599 --> 00:27:48,599
they get you on the hook, then bam, your caught

380
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:55,680
and you're in the frying pan. So you definitely want

381
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,359
to be on guard with regards to these people, you know.

382
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:02,039
The thing is is that it's so important to ask

383
00:28:02,079 --> 00:28:04,599
God for spiritual discernment so that you will be able

384
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:08,559
to discern who's right and who's wrong, who is and

385
00:28:08,599 --> 00:28:13,000
who's not. Okay, because everyone is not like this, but

386
00:28:13,079 --> 00:28:15,519
you definitely have to be careful and worry of the

387
00:28:15,519 --> 00:28:18,839
ones who are and know, Okay, this is what I'm

388
00:28:18,839 --> 00:28:21,799
dealing with. You don't wanna have cognitive dissonance where you're

389
00:28:21,799 --> 00:28:23,839
in between two opinions. No, you need to know that

390
00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:26,400
this is who they are. They've shown you who they are.

391
00:28:26,599 --> 00:28:29,279
And Mayo Angelo used to say, if they show you

392
00:28:29,319 --> 00:28:30,440
who they are, believe them.

393
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:30,960
Speaker 5: We U.

394
00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:33,279
Speaker 2: Yes, you definitely want to believe that. Once a person

395
00:28:33,319 --> 00:28:37,720
shows you who they are, believe them. Okay, you don't

396
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:40,759
have to keep constantly proving to me that this is

397
00:28:40,799 --> 00:28:43,720
who you are. Believe them that they have shown you

398
00:28:43,799 --> 00:28:47,400
who they are, all right. The thing is, we oftentimes

399
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:49,559
hope for that person to change. And I always make

400
00:28:49,599 --> 00:28:52,680
this disclaimer that yes, people can change if they submit

401
00:28:52,799 --> 00:28:55,440
fully to Christ. But the thing is is that when

402
00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:57,960
you're dealing with most narcissists, when you're dealing with a

403
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,880
lot of toxic individuals, unless they go get counseling and

404
00:29:02,119 --> 00:29:07,400
also submit themselves to Christ. They will not change. So

405
00:29:07,559 --> 00:29:10,200
you're hoping and believing and saying, oh, they're gonna change.

406
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:16,640
They're gonna change until they show true, genuine repentance for

407
00:29:16,759 --> 00:29:20,039
what they've done. Okay, I'm not talking about temporary change

408
00:29:20,079 --> 00:29:21,720
just to get back in your good graces, just to

409
00:29:21,759 --> 00:29:24,720
have the cycle overbuse start all over again. I'm talking

410
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:29,119
about when they actually do repent and turn from their

411
00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:35,640
wicked ways, then you can say, Okay, they've changed. Emotional instability.

412
00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:40,960
Emotional instability when you're dealing with people that are toxic,

413
00:29:41,039 --> 00:29:47,799
they're often emotionally unstable. Okay, they again they are prone

414
00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:52,720
to react and be impulsive and irrational, and how these

415
00:29:52,799 --> 00:29:57,640
extreme mood swings and highs and lows, and you cannot

416
00:29:58,119 --> 00:30:00,559
you cannot handle or deal with the relationtionship that is

417
00:30:00,599 --> 00:30:02,480
constantly up and down, up and down, up and down,

418
00:30:02,519 --> 00:30:04,440
up and down. So it's like you want this, uh

419
00:30:04,759 --> 00:30:07,319
what you call it? I forget the thing that you

420
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:12,240
jump on this You probably know what I'm talking about,

421
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:16,279
but anyway, the it's slipped my mind, but it actually

422
00:30:16,359 --> 00:30:20,599
where you jumping on. It's a trampling trampling, that's right, trampling,

423
00:30:21,279 --> 00:30:24,079
and you're jumping up and down, up and down, up

424
00:30:24,119 --> 00:30:27,200
and down. So that's how this emotional relationship is with

425
00:30:27,279 --> 00:30:30,440
this toxic individual, up and down, up and down. And

426
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:32,799
even when you have some periods where you're in that

427
00:30:32,839 --> 00:30:37,720
honeymoon honeymoon phase during the cycles it remember it is

428
00:30:37,799 --> 00:30:41,400
a cycle of abuse that's gonna may last for an

429
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:44,279
extended period of topic, it's gonna go right back around

430
00:30:44,319 --> 00:30:47,599
to being abuse. Now I'm not talking about relationships. You

431
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:52,440
have relationships that if any relationship, and especially if you're married,

432
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,200
you're gonna go through maybe some highs and lows. That's

433
00:30:55,279 --> 00:30:57,880
just being in a relationship period. But I'm talking about

434
00:30:57,880 --> 00:31:01,440
when it when it's in the abuse stage. Okay, when

435
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:06,039
you're dealing with abuse, and again, abuse is not always physical,

436
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:09,519
all right. Abuse is not always physical. Abuse comes in

437
00:31:09,839 --> 00:31:15,480
different forms. Another thing, when you're dealing with a toxic individual,

438
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:21,440
you're also dealing with one that will blame, shift, blame, shift,

439
00:31:21,599 --> 00:31:24,599
So again, they never they're never accountable, They never take

440
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:28,680
accountability for their own actions. If they do something wrong,

441
00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:32,359
they will blame and shift it on the other person.

442
00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:36,359
All right, you're the reason why this didn't happen for them,

443
00:31:36,519 --> 00:31:39,279
or they filled in life with something, or they have

444
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:43,039
a particular problem, or whatever the case may be, it's

445
00:31:43,119 --> 00:31:47,200
always you. They will never take accountability for their own actions,

446
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,160
so when they do something wrong, they will shift the

447
00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:54,119
blame on to you. It's your fault. You're the reason

448
00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:59,200
why they're doing or displaying their bad behavior. And again,

449
00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:01,279
they don't want to be confronted about it. When you're

450
00:32:01,279 --> 00:32:03,640
dealing with the toxic individual, they don't want to be

451
00:32:03,759 --> 00:32:07,960
confronted about their bad behavior, so this is why they

452
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:12,319
go into the shifting, the blame shift. Another thing is

453
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:15,799
their particular love. When you're dealing with a toxic family member,

454
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:19,200
their love is conditional. Their love is conditional, Okay. They

455
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:23,519
don't understand what unconditional love is. So basically, as long

456
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:28,839
as you meet their needs, okay, then they will offer love.

457
00:32:29,119 --> 00:32:32,359
But when you go outside of the realm of their needs,

458
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:36,039
then they give you a form of punishment. Okay. They

459
00:32:36,119 --> 00:32:39,799
want to control, so they do not know what unconditional

460
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:44,200
love is. Their unconditional love has all types of conditions,

461
00:32:44,359 --> 00:32:48,440
It has all types of strings, it has all types

462
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:55,559
of little manipulative tools that they use against you. Last,

463
00:32:55,599 --> 00:33:01,799
but not least, they invalidate your feelings. They invalidate your feelings.

464
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:08,160
They they devalue you. They do not actually listen to you.

465
00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:15,119
They trivialize, trivilize your your emotions. They refuse to acknowledge

466
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:21,359
that you do have feelings. So theirs matter, but yours don't.

467
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:25,319
They're unempathetic to you, but they want you to empathize

468
00:33:25,359 --> 00:33:30,799
with them, and and with that type of person, you

469
00:33:30,799 --> 00:33:35,720
you really have to uh to have your guard up

470
00:33:35,759 --> 00:33:39,200
with them at all times, because as soon as you

471
00:33:39,279 --> 00:33:43,839
let your guard down, they will be like a flooding

472
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:49,279
river that wants the Once the damn breaks, then it overflows.

473
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:54,240
Once the levees break, is gonna overflow. Okay, that's when

474
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:58,160
you get all the EMO, the emotional abuse, spiritual abuse,

475
00:33:58,599 --> 00:34:03,720
financial abuse, verbal abuse, uh uh, physical sexual whatever the

476
00:34:03,759 --> 00:34:06,480
case may be. You you let the f your your

477
00:34:06,519 --> 00:34:09,559
you let the levees down, and then you're gonna have

478
00:34:09,639 --> 00:34:15,320
this overwhelming flood of all these different types of abuses,

479
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:21,119
and it's gonna be damaging to you. So what can

480
00:34:21,159 --> 00:34:24,880
you do? What can you do about this? You? You

481
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:28,599
definitely need to do the opposite, Okay. You when you

482
00:34:28,599 --> 00:34:33,280
when you know someone is abusive, they're manipulative, they're controlling.

483
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,159
You have to set your boundaries.

484
00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:36,559
Speaker 5: Now.

485
00:34:36,639 --> 00:34:40,519
Speaker 2: One thing I I tell people is that if you

486
00:34:40,599 --> 00:34:44,119
have a hard time knowing even how to start, go

487
00:34:44,159 --> 00:34:47,480
to go to counseling. Go to counseling, go to therapy.

488
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:56,280
Don't allow someone to drag you down. Go to therapy.

489
00:34:56,679 --> 00:35:00,519
Get the help that you need. And sometimes it means

490
00:35:01,119 --> 00:35:05,400
distancing yourself from that person just for your own emotional health.

491
00:35:06,079 --> 00:35:08,199
There you know, it's just because someone is a family

492
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:12,360
member doesn't mean that you have to be around them.

493
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:16,119
It doesn't matter who they are, because if they're emotionally

494
00:35:16,199 --> 00:35:22,519
damaging you, then that means that you need to take

495
00:35:23,039 --> 00:35:28,760
a break or distance yourself from that individual for your

496
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:35,519
own emotional health. Just because you love someone doesn't mean

497
00:35:35,599 --> 00:35:39,119
that you have to allow them or to abuse you.

498
00:35:40,039 --> 00:35:42,800
It means that, hey, I gotta take care of myself.

499
00:35:44,039 --> 00:35:47,480
You have to make sure that you take care of

500
00:35:47,679 --> 00:35:52,280
your own self, your own emotional health. You know, because

501
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:56,360
the person that's doing the abuse, they're not caring about you,

502
00:35:56,800 --> 00:36:00,920
so you have to care about you. And Proverb chapter four.

503
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:06,320
Proverbs chapter four, in verse twenty three, it says, above

504
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:10,599
all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows

505
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:15,480
from it. The Word of God tells us to guard

506
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:22,159
our hearts, and therefore you need to guard yours. That

507
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:28,159
means that you don't let anyone and everyone enter your space.

508
00:36:28,639 --> 00:36:36,480
Do not let anyone and everyone invade your space, guard

509
00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:41,480
your own heart, all right. We are a body here.

510
00:36:41,599 --> 00:36:47,360
I pray that today's a podcast has been a blessing

511
00:36:47,519 --> 00:36:50,679
to you and that you will know that guess what

512
00:36:51,039 --> 00:37:05,360
your feelings do matter. This is doctor ko Rich until times.

513
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:43,519
Speaker 6: Thessssssst tossssssssssst presents into this