Speaker 1: Hey, there are in Devian's Junior Adventures and Friends. This
is MK Gibson, the DM for the Dicey Bastards, and
I'm going to take a moment to let you note
that this episode is sponsored by a friend of the
podcast and multiple time authors and Dragon's Con guests, Scott Bertness.
For those who don't know Scott, he has a couple
of trilogies that you should check out now. I've personally
read and loved his first series, The Monsters of the Midwest,
which begins with Wisconsin Vamp. This horror comedy series has
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watch Jeopardy. Fans of Rick Walteri's Bill a Dead or
Drew Hayes Vampire account Fred series will enjoy The Slice
of the Midwest now as others. Trilogy, The Misadventures of
a Paranormal Post Relationship, Personal Effects Repossession Specialist is a
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Charlene Harris, you know, provided they were getting drunk and
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The Complete Misadventures of August Shade, Stars, Shape Shifter August Shade,
the hero we don't want, we don't need, or really
considered me much of a hero at all, but he
does need the cash, so he'll take the job. You
can find Scott's books on Amazon and ebook, paperback and
audio book. But the beer you should drink while reading them,
well that's in your fridge.
Speaker 2: Come ye, gather round, dirty.
Speaker 3: Come he did the gin.
Speaker 4: Join the questing is charted, Join the icy blasted Six
writers face off by a roll of the dice tail. Fine, Dirty,
leave nothing behind but fingerprits and a tall tail, stealing carts,
breaking fats, with plenty of time to kill sicybastess ten pisolwas.
Speaker 2: Ticing and you know the camp behasty fasts. Come on
and join it, diicing Bastard.
Speaker 1: Hey there, Ian Devian's Junior Adventures and Friends. Welcome to
the next episode of Authors and Dragons presents the Dicey Bastards.
I'm am Kay Gibson, your host and dugjam Master, author
of such books as Agents of Mortal and the Cape
is a lie. Who do I have with me today?
It's the same people I always have, But we gotta
give them their airtime. Let's start with Robert Bevan.
Speaker 5: Hello friends, I'm Robert Bevan. I play the role of Chorcer,
the Sorcerer, The Sorcerer with the Moltzer in real life.
I'm right the Caverage and Creature series of comedy fantasy
novels and short stories, including The Uh Someday Coming soon,
Critical Failures and Hooray.
Speaker 1: I can't wait myself. Next up is Rick Walterierry Rick,
How you doing pretty good?
Speaker 3: Hey? For one, my name is Rick Walterierri, and I
played moove Face Eater in real life. I write several things,
but I just recently finished my first litter eg novel,
Time Chaser, and hopefully that will be coming soon, probably
around the same time that that Critical Failures ten gets
out there.
Speaker 1: Well, congratulations, hey, quick can move clap for me? Perfect?
Next off is Drew Hayes Drew hey Don, Sir sun.
Speaker 6: Taur Noise, I mean, I am Drew Hayes, playing Kabert,
the expedient author of book series such as Superpowered, Spread,
The Vampire Accountant, Villain's Code, and the newly launching Rover Powered,
which will be coming out on September. Third.
Speaker 1: Awesome, dude, Emily Kaplan, Your next how you doing?
Speaker 7: Hey, Hi, it's Emily here. I play Claudia the rogue,
who is now the proud owner of a shiny platinum mirror.
I'm also the author of Arsenic and Albis under the
name E. M. Kaplan, and I'm writing some kind of
very lusty tale with Rachel Carr. And weirdly, when I
tell people that, they assume that she's writing the spicy parts,
but I'm actually the hired gun or the hired squirt gun.
Speaker 2: Oh dude, the squirt.
Speaker 1: Smartting it up. Just ah, God, bless you. I'm loving it.
And thanks to the alphabet Steve Weather or it comes last, Steve,
how you doing, sir?
Speaker 5: Uh?
Speaker 2: Well, several ex girlfriends would say differently. Hi, there, I'm
Steve Weverell, and I'm playing Stan Dandilivea, the want to
be ring master of this ring, which is definitely turning
out to be more of an asshole in real life.
I write such books as The Doomsay, Johnny's with File
Steph books.
Speaker 3: Go check them out.
Speaker 1: Fantastic, All right, everybody, real fast. Before we jump into
the adventure, we take a moment to let you know
we want you to be part of our authors and
Dragons family. You really got to join us, So head
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I have a bunch of myself. I even have a
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Speaker 2: Well, next time you are out in a bar and
you're really sluppy drunk, just talk someone's ear off it
who doesn't deserve it.
Speaker 1: All right, let's get into it with a shilling out
of the way preachings. This is Connie stands conscience.
Speaker 3: How are you?
Speaker 6: Ah?
Speaker 1: You know what, I'm doing a lot better than certain
members of this particular party. And our last encounter we
mister moog face Eater stuck his hand in a bucket
of ooze after befriending a turtle. He came back with
one hand short, but he still has a turtle friend.
Isn't that nice? George? So the Sorcerer went for a
swim and lost his magic cochran. Who knows what that
off consequences, But he's now nude, so we're all suffering.
Speaker 3: You're not doing better than my Remember stan.
Speaker 1: A Kabert refuse to play along with these silly games.
How good for them? And one Claudia decided she wanted
this stuff, some straw and mud organs to see what happened,
and she got a magic item and no fingernails. So
let's see what that might happen to happen to happen
for her in the future.
Speaker 2: You know, I was hoping that the concussion would sort
out this entire inner voice problem, but you're still here.
Speaker 1: Great. Before we signed off, last stand Tribe so much
to give a rousing speech after leaving the layer of
the legally distinct tortals.
Speaker 5: Uh.
Speaker 1: He slipped, of course, got to splinter fell and cracked
his head and burned part of his hat off. I
don't know about you, but I was highly entertained.
Speaker 3: Was a rose?
Speaker 1: Oh no, did you say it'm was aroused? Did he
say he was aroused?
Speaker 2: I don't know. He's probably a concussion. He says that
a lot.
Speaker 6: That is true.
Speaker 1: All right, So it's the following morning, you guys wake
up and do your morning business. I assume Cobert takes
care of like passing out good barriers to everybody, so
they at least have a meals worth.
Speaker 2: Now, Gabie, I do have identify?
Speaker 3: So oh you do?
Speaker 1: Oh, certainly you know by all means. In fact, I'll
put you back in the campsite real fast.
Speaker 2: This is something he's picked up with experience over the I.
Speaker 6: Think since we did good berries at the evening last night,
I'm gonna do that in the evening when I've got
a spare spell. That way I don't accidentally juice myself out.
Speaker 1: Sounds good, all right, Yes, you can identify that spell
or soon use the thing to identify the item.
Speaker 2: Okay, then I will do that. I will burn the I.
Speaker 1: Can't just hand it to you. Did you ask Claudia
for her item? Uh?
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well assume a polite conversation happens.
Speaker 7: I have to do do a little, a couple of snaps.
Speaker 2: You're here, she will be Let me let me see
your ooze Mirah a minute. I'll see if I can
work out if this is.
Speaker 1: TAT or something something squirt gun joke here. Okay, yeah, absolutely,
go for it.
Speaker 2: It might be TAT, it might be magic. It might
take your fucking hand off. I don't know. It was
a really bad idea going into that puddle. Guys. I
don't lay down many hard and fast rules for the crew,
but from here on in no more ooze puddles.
Speaker 3: Ah.
Speaker 6: I think you might be hoping for too much asking
this group not to juve in mysterious puddles.
Speaker 3: Move. Consider himself lucky if we get captured by sex
predators in location, we're going to moog only one who
can't do double hand jobs.
Speaker 2: You're finding a silverliding there. Move there you go.
Speaker 1: There's the description. It is called a mirror of the past.
You can if you want to tell Claudia what it is.
The description is in rule twenty.
Speaker 2: Okay, U, Claudia. Apparently I don't remember a lot of
things very clearly, but I'm about to remember this extremely clearly,
almost as if I'm reading it from a screen.
Speaker 1: Well, the magic tells you the answer, ding dong.
Speaker 2: The holder of this platinum hand mirror can learn something
about the history of the specific object or creature by
taking an action to gaze into the mirror and think
of the target instead of the holder's reflection. The mirror
present scenes from the targets past information caved is accurate,
but it's random and cryptic and presented in no particular order.
This is fucking useless. Cordia. Once it is activated to Mary,
gives its information for one minute or less, then returns
to normal. It can't be used until the next dawn. Well,
you seem seem to have the fucking magical equivalent of
social media.
Speaker 7: Well you know she's gonna look into the mirror and
think of turtle balls for the first time.
Speaker 3: Well wait, so so stump stump in mirror. Moog will
see hands.
Speaker 1: All right, So that's what you're doing. You're gonna You're
gonna spend your first time using it a minute and
concentrate on the turtle balls.
Speaker 2: Didn't learn everything you needed to know about total balls,
like yesterday.
Speaker 6: Clearly not wait, how close how close to?
Speaker 7: No, it's dawn, so we have to it all. She
will she will resist.
Speaker 1: Well, no, it's it's active. Now, it gets ready to
it's charge and ready to go. It is dawn, it
is the next morning.
Speaker 6: Ah.
Speaker 7: Yeah, Actually she will not be able to stop.
Speaker 1: Herself from not a problem. Okay, So you hold the mirror,
magic mirror, magic mirror in my hand showing the turtles swollen,
love gland and.
Speaker 7: Nice.
Speaker 1: So you get these for the next minute or so,
you get these images of a young of a young
man who appeared to be human with his four brothers,
and they got they were cast out by society, and
they were stuck in the variety of ways, and they
met this younger woman at the time and you like
recognize her as cheating good night. But then it flashed
forward to when they were fighting crime as turtles, and
it flashes again to them down in the layer like
trying to go through the removes, and it flashes again
and this time they, like the brothers decide to jump
into the ooze because they can't stand life anymore because
they're outcast, and they come out as turtles.
Speaker 2: They changed from.
Speaker 1: Human to turtle. They were not born that way. And
then you flash a little bit more and you see
the guy like he's uh, he's looking at his ball
and feeling but I was sad about himself, and he
jumps it back in at one point, and then that's
when you see one nut swell up, and then then
he's like and then it flashes to an image of
you looking at his balls, and you look at yourself
in the mirror of him looking at the balls. It
starts getting really walking. It's like a mirror to a mirror.
It's one of those images of the balls all the
way down. And then it's like, so there's like it's
a kaleidoscope of nuts in your brain for the for
the remainder of the minute, it is just an infinity balls.
Speaker 6: It feels like exactly what she was aiming for.
Speaker 5: To me, I thought like, there's like way too much
stuff before the balls enter into the picture.
Speaker 3: No, I think I can.
Speaker 2: Speak on behalf of the audience. Wednesday. I'm really glad
we got the peck story to that because of bulls.
Speaker 7: I hope there's a legally distinct theme song to go
with this.
Speaker 1: Movie that we're watching.
Speaker 2: Everybody listens to.
Speaker 3: This is already how many and I think we know
the first uh Dicey Bastard's origin story that's going to
be written.
Speaker 1: This is fantastic. I love it, so I figured anybody
who's like the best part is Claudia is a person
who doesn't know her own past, and she could have
looked at herself.
Speaker 3: No, no nuts.
Speaker 1: I need total nuts and I need those in my
life because she writes spicy shit. Oh right, So with
the total nuts out of the way, is anything else
you guys want to do this morning to prep for
your the day's adventure?
Speaker 2: Well, I think stands not entirely an idiot. He recognized
that Moog was the fighter, Moog was the heavy hitter,
and now he only has one hand and a two
handed weapon. That's something we really need to solve immediately.
Speaker 3: Do not worry, Moog have a solution.
Speaker 2: He's a killing let us. Are you gonna made some
elves and then it'll be fine.
Speaker 5: Well, I'm looking for an animal to make clothes out of.
I will also look for a stick.
Speaker 1: Okay, stick is easy. You guys make a lot of noise,
the only one. And here's the thing, since i'm speak
for Cobert, but because he talks to the animals, he
might have told them to stay the fuck away.
Speaker 6: Clear of these motherfuckers just absolutely throwing it out there.
Speaker 2: That's reasonable, stick.
Speaker 6: Costly hearing me like shitter and squeak and tweet, and
it all boils down to y'all. Y'all get the fuck out.
There's some insane motherfuckers coming.
Speaker 2: Your stir is walking around with his cup swinging and
a stick in his hand. I don't think you needed
to tell them.
Speaker 6: Well, yeah, the squirrels poke their eyes up and be like,
oh shit, cobars not kidding.
Speaker 1: I like to think of like a family of squirrels
just covering the little squirrel's head and putting them back,
you know, like, no, don't look like.
Speaker 2: But that dad's packet the suitcase.
Speaker 1: So where we go, and so it doesn't matter where
we're going, we're going far away from Ratan kids. It's
time to retire when I.
Speaker 6: Won't see any old people, don there.
Speaker 1: Now you have wash your clothes in the nearby stream,
and they dried over the night, so you have slightly damp,
dewey but mostly serviceable river washed clothing. So it smells
like river water more than sewer water at this point.
So you guys are you know, unless somebody has the
press diggitation spell, then you can just be instantly clean.
Speaker 2: So there's no way before ahead that much.
Speaker 5: Well, when I find the dick, I give it to
move and there's one problem solved.
Speaker 2: I'm curious as how you think you've sold the problem.
Speaker 3: Now he has a weapon.
Speaker 1: He has a flail.
Speaker 3: Well, thank you for stick, sticky man.
Speaker 1: In my mind it's so earnest too. He's like he
shows up with the biggest smile on his face.
Speaker 2: Sorry, you lost your hand, but it's this stick buddy
all better. I was thinking that maybe I've got a
spare dagger, maybe we could tie this to moove stump.
All right, it's not a great idea, it's hardly fucking
evil dead too, but it's what we got right.
Speaker 6: I was trying to see if, like any druid spells
fixed lives. That looks like the only spells that could
do that are like seventh levels, so probably not.
Speaker 3: Not get me that for a while.
Speaker 1: If you find if you find an artificer or a craftsman,
they can they can craft a work. I mean there
is an artificial thing that can actually literally do that specifically,
so you can make a prosthetic.
Speaker 2: I will say to Mood that we are going to
solve your hand problem.
Speaker 3: Moove.
Speaker 2: We need you in fighting order. In the meantime, here's
two rubber bands and a dagger.
Speaker 3: Yeah, move, have flail?
Speaker 1: Does that we have a shield at least up Moog's
armor class or anything.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I don't have a butler or a shield. A buckler
would have been an idea. Move, don't be an ingrat.
Speaker 1: Move has a complained you guys have been putting all
your drama on Moog.
Speaker 2: You've got the chance for an offhand attack here now
with with this solution, it'll do for now. We'll level
this up. Trust me, it's fine.
Speaker 1: Well, has Mood tried to swing a two handed weapon
in one hand?
Speaker 2: Moog?
Speaker 3: If you if you is the flail a two handed weapon?
Speaker 1: No, you're your orphan splitter. I mean it's a two
handed axe. How strong is Moog?
Speaker 3: Moog has a fifteen strength?
Speaker 1: Oh, that'd be rough, that would be with that you'd
be swinging with the disadvantage. If you had like a
seventeen or above, I will allow it like but he
would drop the damage from a like a D twelve
to worry.
Speaker 3: Move, Moog has this covered?
Speaker 1: Okay, well, fantastic with that, With that level of with
that level of confidence, I'm gonna move you guys on
to the next map.
Speaker 2: In that case, if he's gonna be ungrateful, I'm going
to take Dawser's stick and tie it to his stump.
And you know what, there you go, such a big man.
Speaker 1: Okay, well, Moog, someone's trying to sign something to your stump.
Do with that as you see fit, buddy.
Speaker 3: Move just will stay stare incredulessly at uh at Stan
beginning to wonder if maybe he failed to kill like
you know stance elf half is.
Speaker 2: Typical elf bave.
Speaker 1: Yeah, thanks nature, that'll fix it, you know, thanks for this.
Speaker 2: You can you can scratch your eyes more effectively. Don't
say I never gave you nothing.
Speaker 3: What is it with like elves always trying tying sticks
to stumps.
Speaker 5: I also have manchand so if you need help scratching
your ass.
Speaker 3: That's great.
Speaker 2: It's true, moved, he's using may hands. So it's not weird,
all right.
Speaker 1: So after the stick debacle and the prosthetic the prosthetic
stick is attached to Moog's arm.
Speaker 2: Stan is already feeling a lot more optimistic about today than.
Speaker 3: He was less.
Speaker 1: Stan's coming off as Onrey this morning. Like that's what
a good head wound does, all right.
Speaker 6: Stan is apparently run out of patients for our bullshit.
Speaker 1: I like, I like Copert has like like just it
seems he has endless patience or else he's just a
seething cauldron of hates.
Speaker 6: So Capara is a tour guide. He he is used
to just incompetent fuck ups everywhere he turned.
Speaker 1: Just kid vomited people shitting and like, yeah, yes, that's
part of the.
Speaker 6: Says Covert runs a tour business man.
Speaker 3: He he is.
Speaker 6: This isn't even a fucking Monday for him.
Speaker 1: I love it, all right. So I assume are you
guys now going to leave campus art walking?
Speaker 2: Yeah? All right, campus, let's.
Speaker 6: Go all right clopping.
Speaker 1: But yes, fantastic you guys clip clopp for half a day.
And oh my, where do you come across? Why is
the crossroads in and tavern?
Speaker 5: Uh?
Speaker 1: You know it is? Uh Now, for a couple of
people in this party, this might look familiar. Uh so,
so for Stan, you are aware of this thing because
it was you know, a couple of days outside of
your town. You know this thing exists.
Speaker 2: This is where I think I can put two and
two together. Do you want to make Are we.
Speaker 6: All just like looking at Moog at this point just
as a oh.
Speaker 2: Look it's the elf tavern Moog.
Speaker 3: Moog have change of heart. Moo of course never been
here before and have no idea what atrocities that happened here.
But Moo wishes to go inside and she'll respect for dead.
Speaker 2: Well that's very that's very big of you, mug.
Speaker 3: All right, So that is what Moog is going to do.
He's going to head inside.
Speaker 2: Stan wie Leinove to Jewstra and say, you know what,
I think my gamble's paid off. Maybe Mook does have
a a secret heart of gold that we've all been overlooking.
Speaker 6: You uh, you know he's going in there to kill
the survivors.
Speaker 2: Right, Kabba, don't bring me down. It's not even seven o'clock.
Speaker 3: What survivors burnt?
Speaker 6: Shock? Well, I don't think there will be any when
you're done.
Speaker 1: You're being very cynical, kibet, Claudia, anything you want to
add to any of this? Are you just staying silent?
Speaker 7: She's mostly slay, but she has just heard, I think,
is Stan say that mug has a heart of gold?
And she's wondering if that's literal.
Speaker 6: Oh okay, okay, Oh no, is that one phrase gonna
save so many LF lives?
Speaker 3: All right?
Speaker 1: So all right, no, I got a map. I got
a map for you. But he don't worry.
Speaker 3: All right, this was just a setup. Okay.
Speaker 1: So you guys start walking down the hill towards the
the crossroads in and tavern. You're coming along the south
end to where it's at. And so I'm gonna let
you know the guards were positioned. Who the guards of
the inspector riggs who are on still on site, are
not aware of your presence yet.
Speaker 2: We are aware of those presents.
Speaker 1: Okay, So no one's they're not aware of your presence yet.
But you're a good adventuring party and you clearly like,
oh there are some people about. So the top the
top floor is burnt off, it is on you can't
get up there anymore. The middle floor or the where
you can see on the map seems to be you
can kind of get inside. A lot of things are
scorched and falling in, but it's it's it's iffy at best.
And the basement is downstairs, and the and the foundation,
so that was the only place that seems to be
like still safe.
Speaker 3: So okay, so from our perspective, I assume there's like
holes in the wall all stuff like that. Well not
the stone walls.
Speaker 1: I mean that part didn't burn, like any any of
the windows, any of the doors, anything that was wood
is towards up. The stone walls are still standing. So
so the outer walls stoned.
Speaker 3: Moog wants to sneak over to one of the one
of the open windows, staying low, yep, yep, and then
Moog will take the flail and he will just slide
it in the house.
Speaker 1: Okay, give me, give me no.
Speaker 6: We all wondering what the purpose of that was.
Speaker 2: Do I have to roll for this or can I
just ignore it?
Speaker 1: What do you want to roll?
Speaker 3: Fifteen?
Speaker 2: Okay, let me check.
Speaker 1: Let me check the guard's perception. Check he's got a
plus three perception because he's a fucking guard. So let's see.
Speaker 2: Dan already had an inkling that perhaps Moog was trying.
Speaker 1: To shift some natural twenty, So the guard gets a
natural twenty on from some Oh what's that now? Like
just got a video game? They're all walking in their
little previous what's what's this? Snout comes over and there's
a guards. There's a there's a guard staring through this
husk of a window at you, Moog as you drop
the thing in.
Speaker 2: That's the last thing you want a guard to say.
If they're a cockney guard, if an old timey cockney guards,
they said, you're fucked.
Speaker 1: What's all this sad?
Speaker 2: You may as well go. That's how you know you fucked.
Speaker 3: He mook found that, like you know, lying outside thought
it might belong to somebody here who's Moog.
Speaker 1: Well, right now basically where you're standing, he's got a
directional angle so he can see Moo, Claudia and Jorceer
Cabert and stand you're just outside of his little his
video game visibility cone. So but there is a there
is a window right here that he's you try to
push it through uput, Moog, you want up right up
there to do it.
Speaker 6: So Cobert will holler out, oh, I've got healing magic.
Speaker 2: Is anyone injured in the excellent Well, Stan will follow
Kaba's lead on that.
Speaker 1: No, I'm fine, thank you, but the corpses are just
well they're corpses.
Speaker 6: Ah. Sorry, we saw the flames and weren't sure. I
wanted to make shirt.
Speaker 3: And found that in bushes look like it might have
been discarded murder weapon.
Speaker 1: Who is this move pussy you keep speaking of, don't know,
just a hired guide, some some some person we pass
on road.
Speaker 5: Georgier instinctively goes to open his robe and forgets that
he doesn't happen.
Speaker 1: Hello, all right, So while you're talking, this guard comes
around the corner because hears the shouting, and the one
to your one to the northwest, one to the east,
and the guy on the north end, he's just he's
he does his job, he's on a position. He trusts
his teammates.
Speaker 6: All right, So Cobert, well, we'll wave to the new
guard inside hell. Hell, sir, do you need any healing?
Speaker 1: No, No, we're just we're keeping this siteline. We're keeping
this property safe until Inspector Riggs comes back to finish
some investigations so they can find the perpetrader or perpetraders.
There was at least two people, would you shut up, Edward? No, no,
it's almost official. There was two perpetrators, one who set
the fire and someone who escaped from the basement.
Speaker 2: And somebody with small feet. Yes, we're quite aware. We've
been sent from the guild to assist with this investigation.
Speaker 1: Give me a deception check.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I really hope this works. Okay, deception, let's go.
Come on, Why isn't it working.
Speaker 1: I don't know ten. Well, it's average. Let's let's check
his insight. They're going to perception insight.
Speaker 6: I'm gonna glare at stand and say, hey, guild members
are supposed to pay double. You didn't mention that.
Speaker 1: Well his insight roll? Okay, listen, he got a four,
so he believes you.
Speaker 6: I like.
Speaker 2: I think the reason I got ten there is I'm
standing next to a nude sorcerer.
Speaker 1: Hang on, I rolled a D ten out of D twenty.
Speaker 3: Let's see six.
Speaker 1: He still believes you.
Speaker 3: You hold bluff.
Speaker 1: You have bluffed the cockney guard. Congratulations, Chaucer has got
his cock out right next to me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're official, Vait.
Speaker 6: I'm just trying to sell the tour group ruse for
that reason.
Speaker 1: Oh, it's not like you're like manhos that you bring
them along for like proper times.
Speaker 2: Well, yes, ah, he's something of a sadvant he doesn't
know how clothes work, but he is a master detective.
Speaker 3: I believe in transparency. Yes, that's well.
Speaker 2: As honest as his cock is long ga.
Speaker 1: If ever, if that's true, then we can mightbe we
got promotion with with with inspective Riggs. If come on side,
come on side, maybe you can help us fire because
we're trying to find out whether we know there's a
basement here, but we can't find the fucking basement. Maybe
you can help us out and then we can figure
out more of what happened to this mode.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I mean we've already found a key piece of evidence.
Speaker 6: So we're on a roll.
Speaker 2: Sonny, let's go.
Speaker 1: So you think this might have been a motor weapon.
Speaker 2: H Well, it's too early to say. All I know
is Mook here found it definitely on this press.
Speaker 1: Who's this mood person?
Speaker 2: Well, when we say move, we just kind of mean
like the gang.
Speaker 1: Was that like was that a slang term like yeah,
me and my moves are just hanging out, Yes, me
and my move? Or was that a racially insensitive term.
I might allowed to say it.
Speaker 2: Only people who are moving we can say it. You
can't say it.
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so please forgive me. I apologize.
Speaker 2: That's fine, it's fine, don't worry about it.
Speaker 1: Can we stop talking to the window. Don't you just
come inside? Gareth? You know you can continue watching God
the inspector's allies are here, so you guys feel free
to wander inside.
Speaker 2: You got sensation that you just you've boarded a train
you can't get off.
Speaker 6: Yeah, you committed us pretty hard on that.
Speaker 2: Uh well, mystery gang, are we ready to solve a
fucking mystery? I so move, keep you looking mouth shut.
Speaker 7: Claudia would like to go in the building and inspect
the heck out of it.
Speaker 1: All right, So Claudia, well you're just gonna just walk
through the walls. There's a front door over here. You'll
crawl in the window. You're when you crawled to the
toilet window. So, okay, you found the bathroom. Claudia, you've
crawl in this window. You found the table. You two
are in the shitter.
Speaker 3: You went to the.
Speaker 2: It's the first place to check. Okay.
Speaker 6: I will circle around to the door for obvious reason.
Speaker 2: I think it was Cannel Mustard with the pipe wrench
in the shitter, and Moog will go with Kaber, just
like an innocent person would.
Speaker 3: All right, is there a portal to the basement in
the toilet?
Speaker 5: Uh?
Speaker 1: Theoretically yes, but if you want to like to see
if there's an actual ingress, then you may roll either
perception or investigation check.
Speaker 7: I think I think we've already been in the sewers,
so yeah, party, not that they're clear, I.
Speaker 1: Will say, for Claudia, you know exactly where the entrance is. Yeah, okay,
so perception for the sake of the narrative. Everybody else,
Claudia knows that the entrance is under the skin rug
where the two quartses are lying, because you pushed it
away up perception, there is not, as far as you
can tell, there is not a portal to the basement
in the toilet.
Speaker 3: All right, Well that's one room down.
Speaker 2: It's nicely done, Joe, sir. You see, guys, Master Detective.
Speaker 3: Leave no stone unturned.
Speaker 1: Right, And the guards are like looking around like, yeah,
we know, it's like this is supposed to be an
inn and tavern, but like we never even whoever built
this place. Never put a kitchen in, and they really
fucked up when they designed this entire this, this building,
unless there was a kitchen on the on the second floor,
which doesn't make sense, which burned down. So obviously that's
why we can't go upstairs, go up.
Speaker 2: To the That's just how it works. Sometimes. Sometimes the
builders of these places put a lot of work in
and we barely explore it. Sometimes they do with slap
dash job and we get very inspective about things, and
some murders just.
Speaker 3: Never get solved.
Speaker 1: Oh no, we saw the murder. No, no, someone stood.
We know the inspector. She's really good. See someone stood
right here, and there's a bunch of footprints, and someone
brought fire from right here over to here. Now they
burned these to the couple lives and they were sweet people.
I knew them very dearly. And their child somehow managed
to flee the inferno and get back to town. So
they have a firsthand knowledge of the person. I'm not
spoken with a child, but we know that they have
seen the perpetrator war at least one of them.
Speaker 2: Somehow, you say, this child escaped, somehow.
Speaker 3: Recognizes this footprint, this this footprint of perpetrator. It looked
like perhaps it was would be like newtited turtle in disguise,
dressed like elf.
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, let me take a look at that.
Hang on there, all right, give him an intelligence check
minus two.
Speaker 7: Claudia will add a fourteen.
Speaker 1: He's like, are you sure? Because it looks booted. He
looks out of your feet. Let's go it similar to
your boots. You're like the boots you're wearing. It's similar
to that, but I can't quite piece it together.
Speaker 2: Hey, you know, Guard, you were talking about the cultural
insentivity earlier on with the moving thing. Tourtles can wear
boots if they want.
Speaker 1: My friend, are you talking to me from the toilet?
Speaker 3: Uh?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm just finishing because I always want to be rude.
To talk to somebody while they're on the toilet.
Speaker 2: Will shake up. I'm a very old man, Okay. Going
to prostate the size of a fucking cannon ball or
a total nut. I don't think the god will get
that reference a nor shitty, nor shit anyone. Claudia, show
him your mirror. That's how big my prostate is. Fella.
Speaker 7: Claudia wants to add, these are definitely the bootprints of
a two handed criminal.
Speaker 1: What makes you say that, man, because it's.
Speaker 7: Obvious from the weight and from the distribution of the
fire and the flames. Definitely two hands needed for this job.
Speaker 1: Would you be so kind as to give me a
deception check or perform? Are you trying to persuade him?
Speaker 2: Because she's not even lying at the time?
Speaker 1: Moved two hands?
Speaker 6: All right?
Speaker 3: You know what?
Speaker 1: That give me a persuasion role.
Speaker 3: Tent?
Speaker 1: It's average. You know, He's like, yeah, I could see that.
Definitely two hands.
Speaker 3: Definitely.
Speaker 1: He starts and he picks out a note pat he
starts scribbling, and you see it's like his handwriting looks
like well, look looks it looks like my son's. It
is very fucked up and like wrong. So uh yeah,
he's he's trying. God bless him.
Speaker 2: Stan will flush and leave the bathroom.
Speaker 3: I was gonna leave to let you do your business, but.
Speaker 2: I guess no, I was already there. You gotta go,
you gotta go.
Speaker 7: Okay, make sure you show him your hand.
Speaker 3: We'll reach up to scratch his head with his missing hand,
and then like you know, oh, what happened up with
your hand? Move? Move move, move lost it In Fight
for Justice, defending the laws of the land.
Speaker 1: Thank you so i'd shake it, but thank you for
your help. Shirt anybody, any friend of Inspective Riggs is
clearly from and also but what is your name you
keep in front of your I don't want to use
the M word. I don't want to, but like you
keep so goom.
Speaker 2: His name is Michael face Eater.
Speaker 1: Michael Michael face Eater. Is a pleasure to meet you, sir, Yes,
right now. But we can't see to find is the
pathway down to the basement because we've we've inspect we
figured out like the perpetrator came to the front door,
I saw it to the family, tied them up and
then and then burned them alive after what appears to
be a little bit of bravado, like a real six sociopath.
Speaker 2: And yet only the child walked away.
Speaker 1: And that's something he might have either had like maybe
we don't know. Maybe it's a nice guy, maybe like kids.
I don't don't We can't figure that.
Speaker 3: Are you sure this this child not bed seed? Did
it himself, disguised himself as turtle, used flail with two
hands to kill parents and then escape as well.
Speaker 1: We don't think so because that we had the way
the burn pattern here there was three people and then
the kid who was burned somehow escaped, escaped his bondage.
Speaker 3: Uh maybe third person was trying to save psychotic child
dressed as uh.
Speaker 1: Well no, because we found the set of prints coming
out that were small but not child's eyes. We think
someone else was involved and we can't figure out where
that comes from.
Speaker 3: So maybe they were. Maybe they were fleeing psychotic child
dressed as turtle.
Speaker 7: It's crazy, it was another survivor.
Speaker 1: Are you like a total racist, sir? You really work
in the total angle?
Speaker 2: You could say to.
Speaker 3: Michael face eater does does not trust them, has known
them to commit heinous crimes.
Speaker 2: That's true. We did hear a bunch of turtles who
were enforcing crimes regularly. I mean you must know the stories.
They come up. They beat people up, they say the
fighting crimes, are actually fighting for crime. It's not unheard of.
Speaker 3: We we've we have heard these legends.
Speaker 1: So you know, you know the location of these turtles.
Speaker 2: No, it's just a fairy.
Speaker 6: Wouldn't that be convenient? But we will follow the evidence.
Speaker 2: Stan Stan will give a very very pointed look to
move at that point. It's just a theory, and we
don't know where to where these turtles are.
Speaker 1: Big overt wink.
Speaker 3: Okay, but if Michael knew where they were, then Michael
would help you hunt them down.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, we were on business, so.
Speaker 1: All right, so can we help? We just don't know
where the dam entrance to the to the basement.
Speaker 5: Iseger likes the look of that big rug, but I
don't like the big dead body stands on them.
Speaker 3: So I'm fast on this one.
Speaker 2: I mean, the rug really helps the room together. The
corpse is not so much.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're not supposed to move the corpses yet, that's
until Inspector Rid gets back.
Speaker 2: But we can move the rug though, because the corpses
are on the rug. So technically yeah, yeah, okay, so
do you guys move the rug? Yeah, let's stay dead,
all right.
Speaker 1: You move the rug and you find a sterble leaning
down to the basement trap hatch gasp. We're oh my,
like we were beholding by our own laws. We didn't
want what what?
Speaker 6: All right?
Speaker 1: Do you all go down to the basement.
Speaker 6: Absolutely, I'm gonna I'm gonna stay up top for again.
Speaker 1: Obviously, I'm gonna need to get a bucket then, so
you can see what's going on. Otherwise the screen is
gonna go.
Speaker 6: Dark for you, So give me a second, no worries.
Kamara will be standing up top kind of listening in
case shit goes sideways.
Speaker 1: Roger that in case.
Speaker 2: Stan will give some kind of elaborate to signal to Kabata,
Shit's probably gonna go sideways.
Speaker 6: I mean, I feel like the screaming will probably be
the first hint.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you guys go down, and the guards follow in
behind you, at least the one dumb the one dumb guard.
Speaker 7: So Claudia.
Speaker 2: A basement and a Bucket's how convenient.
Speaker 3: And look access to water which a turtle might use
to escape. It is true, We don't know.
Speaker 6: I just want to Oh wow, that is bolstering your theory?
Speaker 1: Is well, is this place in this he walks in,
he finds more dead bodies. The places come up right.
There's also a there's a weird smell of cinnamon and
straw in the air as well.
Speaker 2: Hmmm, what a distinct smell that could belong to anyone
really when you think about it, yes, anyone, anyone's soul.
Speaker 3: But probably somebody with two hands.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a very two handed smell. What is office?
Oh my god, I'd say that this case is just
very legally become a lot more complex.
Speaker 1: This is a bloody altar, like this is like he said,
he starts rooting around like like these are books on necromancy.
Speaker 2: Necromancy.
Speaker 3: Oh wait, so so perhaps so perhaps elves were evil
and needed to die.
Speaker 2: I mean neck romancy. Isn't that technically the opposite of murder?
Speaker 1: Something like That's he's looking around and like, maybe should
find murderer and give metal to the to this hero.
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is just potential hero. Sounds like he might
have done his all a favor.
Speaker 1: You might be right, so because this this, this right
here is like this and he starts leaping through this
what looks to be a journal of one of the
family members of the of the Oven family, the green
Tree family, and it's like he's like he starts reading
out loud, how how it details like their son may
or may not have been possessed by a demon. The
kid was like becoming a warlock at the age of eight,
and they were trying to find a way to kill
the kid and bring him back. They had to practice
on a lot of the guests who come to the
Green Tree in like and they look around. There are
bodies on slabs on all over the room.
Speaker 5: All right, what condition are these the clothes in on
these bodies.
Speaker 6: Is gonna accidentally set the turtles up for a redemption?
Speaker 3: All right?
Speaker 1: So there there are clothes everywhere Jeorser. They're like like
they're they're like literally they're like a lot of these
the bodies are kind of are laid out naked, but
there are piles of clothes on the books, Like this
big bag over here is just represents a big stash
of clothes of all types?
Speaker 7: Is there anything here that belonged to Claudia from before.
Speaker 1: You took everything out of the bag that was yours?
Speaker 2: Stand Will instinctively with his rogue affiliation sort of standing
away of the god that if Clodia does want to
deal anything, you know.
Speaker 1: Well right now he's he's he's he's reading through this
book where it reads like their son Eric had like
like again he apparently was possessed by a demon or
the kid invited a demon into his life and became
a warlock. And they were trying like they were trying
they're practicing necromancy to like looks like they were trying
to kill people if any way to bring them back.
They were like the only way they thought they could
save their son. This had been practicing on anybody that
comes through or finding bodies, So so.
Speaker 3: It sounds like mystery solved.
Speaker 6: I love the idea that warlock is like this horrifying
condition to be worried about, but it's also just a
starting class and the player exactly.
Speaker 2: Stan will put his hand on the guard's shoulder and say, Gary,
my friend, I think you've cracked this case wide open.
There was a bunch of evil elve necromances here who
may have been foiled by a teenage mutant dinger total.
Speaker 1: But the Green Tree apparently they were. They were they
were so nice. Why they've been They've been murdering their guests.
Speaker 2: Evil comes in many guys, as my friends. Some times
people will just appear friendly and lie directly to your face.
It's just a way the world goes. But I'm proud
of you, son. We came from the guilds to help out,
but it's not us who are the heroes today. It's you.
And I want you to tell your superiors that we
are waiving our fee for assistance because you, my friend
have solved this case.
Speaker 3: I remained unconvinced.
Speaker 5: I shall take this bag to the lab for evidence.
Speaker 2: We will be taking some things for further evidence, but
I'm sure we'll find nothing that.
Speaker 1: All right, Yeah, Inspector Bridgeby, so sorry, so, but not
you budget. He looked to all the moogs. What do
I call you?
Speaker 6: What?
Speaker 1: What's your name?
Speaker 6: Sir?
Speaker 2: My name is.
Speaker 3: Man.
Speaker 2: I'm so bad at finger of fake names. Yes, the
totally innocent party. That's who we are, Just a bunch
of mood solving mysteries.
Speaker 1: Total totally innocent party. Okay, cool, But what is your name, sir?
Speaker 2: My name is Dan Standy Liver.
Speaker 1: Shit, Dan Standy Liver.
Speaker 5: Okay, I am Mike Tyson.
Speaker 1: All right, Stan, give me a deception check, and Georgia
are like a deception check for you as well.
Speaker 5: Okay, deception if I would have any reason to suspect
I am not Mike Tyson.
Speaker 1: That's pretty good, both of you, guys.
Speaker 5: No, no, no, that was perception. I meant deception.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there we go. So when he's you said your
name is Dan Standy Livery, He's like that sounds like
a fake Mike be Mike Tyson. Oh my god, he
forgot all about you.
Speaker 6: Even in a fantasy world, people people know to respect.
Speaker 2: You look a little bit different in person from what.
Speaker 1: This is ludicrous?
Speaker 6: You know, No, that doesn't upstairs?
Speaker 3: All right?
Speaker 2: So that one took a little while to set in't it?
Speaker 3: Joy?
Speaker 2: But yeah?
Speaker 1: So, uh, do you guys want to stay here and
help them root through the books of like necromancy for
dummies or do you want to like just get the
fuck out here.
Speaker 3: We're not being paid to do it work job, man.
Speaker 2: I know we hit it off well then, wage monkey,
but we're on our way now. Just make sure you
tell your bus that this is also toed out.
Speaker 6: Yep, we did kind of point them in the right
direction to do good.
Speaker 3: Evil elves killed in self defense.
Speaker 2: Mystery solved by heroic underground totals.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you, totally mis and party. They're gonna get
all the credit for this and all the heaps of
gold that come with it because it wasn't outstanding reward
for this. Oh fantastic, And I can report it back
to the guild and the the the Adventuring Guild will
make sure they get their payments. Oh that is amazing.
Speaker 2: If you see two dwarfs, yes, you know, not to
the new the new deputies that worked for an inspector Rick. Yes,
just tell inspect the rids I sold him stealing from
a child.
Speaker 1: Okay, goodbye, Okay, you all fleeing the scene of the crime.
Speaker 2: Crime, give me crime or heroic?
Speaker 1: All right, Potato potato? Did anybody try to steal anything
while they were down there by the way? Besides George
r I know you're stealing in the back of clothes,
but he was so Meyer. Mike Tyson gets what Iromac
Tyson wants.
Speaker 2: So Cloudie, we gave you ample time to rope for
this place.
Speaker 3: What did he get?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 7: Claudia is strangely in non participative in this whole scene,
even though her eyes are going around pretty quick, pretty fast.
She she's been here before, and she has already checked
it for valuables and has her She already took her
fistful good organs a long time ago. But yeah, no,
she's weirdly quiet.
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm not.
Speaker 2: Gonna try and pickpocket the guard. We've already pressed a
luck quite well.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Mark isn't going to steal anything, but he is
going to activate just in case anything happens on the
way out. He's going to activate his weapon, bond with
the widow crippler and summon it.
Speaker 1: Okay, the one you stole back from the turtles, correct, fantastic?
Speaker 2: All right, that's diabolical.
Speaker 1: So let's see, let's quick recap there. So you try
to indict the turtles. You then somehow saved them, and
then so and then somehow the totally in surpart. He's
gonna get a lot of money, and the Turtles might
actually get accommodations for the crimes that they're fighting.
Speaker 2: In this in the city.
Speaker 1: All right, I'm okay with this.
Speaker 6: All right, So we did the right thing, the wrong.
Speaker 2: Givvy, we would do a good day.
Speaker 7: I'm just imagining Moog standing there with his stump held out,
waiting for his weapon to come back, and it just flies.
Speaker 2: Past his hand.
Speaker 1: God damn it. All right, So you guys have rounded
up you guys like guys whn casually leave the scene
of the crime and the scene of the good deed,
however you want to put it, and continue your your trek.
You march on through the day, and by the end
of the day is evening set. All of you get
to this particular cliff side west Cherry.
Speaker 3: I thought that's a West Kemi.
Speaker 2: Well, this does not look promising at all.
Speaker 1: Yes, so there are corpses decorated on top of the
sign to West Cherry. The town below in the valley
seems to be, you know, quaint, seems to be nice,
oddly quiet, and there is a narrow pass that leads
down to the value.
Speaker 3: You guys will have to go to.
Speaker 1: But you get there, and obviously there are decorative corpses
and skeletons laid outside of the town themselves.
Speaker 3: All right, are they elf corpses?
Speaker 8: Uh it, give me an inspection, investigation, investigation, yeah, twenty
one one of them is, and one of them is human.
Speaker 3: Ha will spit on the elf corpse.
Speaker 6: Isn't it all clear how the corpses died? Does it
look like they were like? Are there big old like
are their heads tacked off?
Speaker 1: Or give me okay, give me a medicine roll can
nineteen force damage? They were hit by kopius amounts of
force damage and they left to rotten the sun.
Speaker 6: Okay. So even though, so, it's not a plague, not
a plague given the history of East Cherry, I was
making yes, yes, sir, unless it is a very heavy plague.
Speaker 2: Can we read this and it says under new management.
Speaker 1: Yes you can, Yes you can.
Speaker 6: And this is where we're here to deal with the
child predators, right.
Speaker 2: Correct, Yes, I'm hoping that this place isn't now run
entirely by child predators. That's a terrible way to do government.
Speaker 1: So you start making your way down the path on
the way down to West Cherry. Feel free to make
your way down the path of West Cherry, all right,
what manually? Yes, manually? Okay, And to stop there? Fantastic
compared did you hold in the back on purpose?
Speaker 3: Okay?
Speaker 1: Position yourselves where you want to be for this obvious
ambush spot, positioning yourselves where it makes you have this?
Speaker 3: Okay?
Speaker 6: Perfect?
Speaker 1: One second?
Speaker 2: There we go, diamond formation around the fighter. I think
that makes sense.
Speaker 1: And can you guys see these dots on the map. Yes, fantastic,
I'm report these are all putting right beside you. Just
sow you know where they're at. A quick perception check
to realize that everybody, because you're all seeing somebody else.
This is these dots appear on the top of each
one of you.
Speaker 3: Oh, we got the child size predator aliens.
Speaker 6: You know.
Speaker 2: I can't say anything, but I don't think it was
supposed to.
Speaker 1: It's these glowing dots appear on all of you.
Speaker 2: So one second, uh, are we about to get cal webst.
Speaker 3: Pretty much?
Speaker 1: Okay, out of nowhere these things appear. There we go
and each one of them shoots it takes out a
one and shoots uh magic missiles at each one of you.
So this is a surprise round. This is how we're
going to open. I'm going to shoot you, and this
is where we're gonna end for the day. But this
is that you're going to start with taking damage.
Speaker 3: So slash roll three D six plus three.
Speaker 1: Each of you takes nineteen four damage now and they
all like start to giggle and laugh, and I will
show you exactly what they look like. That is what
you see. They are children with these masks on, they
have gear on. They are cackling, they are laughing, they
are tea bagging. They're like, you smell like fartassy little
shit old man, and they're shooting you with magic missile once.
And that's where we're gonna leave this episode of the
Dicey Bastards to be picked up next time.
Speaker 3: As you have to fight children, I don't because I
just dropped.
Speaker 1: You should have more hit points. You hit level fourth?
Speaker 3: Pers Oh my god, when do we hit level they are?
Speaker 1: Oh wait no, eybody should be level four. Georgier unfortunately
had himself at level three this last few times, so
I'm really dead as well.
Speaker 2: Nineteen's pretty fucking hush.
Speaker 6: I love that the children did appropriately take out the
jorcerer in the room first, which like maybe maybe.
Speaker 1: So to nail it on the head, Yes, George, were
a way back when what if it's just child size predators.
That's exactly what it was. These are tiny children who
are possessed by something, who have now all shot you
with magic missiles, and they're getting ready to start a fight,
and they it looks like they are into it all right.
So before we sign off, is there anything you guys
would like to say to our fans and friends?
Speaker 6: Curse you child saus predators?
Speaker 1: Oh no no, because he took aim and shut you down.
I apologize. I didn't think it's gonna be that much damage,
but damn I rolled well. So well, lucky for you,
they only get one shot per day. I'll let you
that know. So there's that, all right, So on behalf
of Steve Weather or Emily Kaplan, Robert bev and Drew
Hayes and Rick Waltery. I'm Mk Gibson. We've been the
Dicey Bastards and you've been bring Thank you.
Speaker 3: All very much.
Speaker 1: We'll see you next time. Bye everybody, by bye bye.
Speaker 2: You've been listening to Dicey Bastards brought to you by
Authors and Dragons, the Channel by Geeks four Geeks.
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Speaker 2: See it are
Speaker 1: What's all this said