Speaker 1: This is pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great
Speaker 1: Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.
Speaker 2: It's a great Love to bab Hi again. Everyone's Brian Howie.
Speaker 2: Welcome to the Great Love Debate, the world's number one
Speaker 2: dating air relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am here
Speaker 2: in the very fine, fancy and brand new updated studios
Speaker 2: of Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. I am at
Speaker 2: the one in Palm Beach Gardens and it's a new one,
Speaker 2: and I have Travis here, not only on the controls,
Speaker 2: but he's also hanging some shit here. So if you
Speaker 2: hear a drill, he was worried. He's like, I don't
Speaker 2: I don't want to make noise during your podcast. And
Speaker 2: I said, my podcast listeners love ambient noise, and some
Speaker 2: of my podcast listeners out there are like, no, we
Speaker 2: do not. We don't like ambient noise. But if you
Speaker 2: hear a drill or something breaking, he's hanging stuff. One
Speaker 2: thing that we we touch on, I don't know. Occasionally
Speaker 2: around here we touch on it more, but we haven't
Speaker 2: quite done it in a while is the concept of
Speaker 2: the five love languages. And for those of you who
Speaker 2: are not familiar. It was a book by Gary Chapman. Chapman,
Speaker 2: I think, and it basically says that everyone has a
Speaker 2: certain love language that is most important, and that by
Speaker 2: understanding and speaking your partner's love language and having them
Speaker 2: understand yours somehow you are able to properly communicate and
Speaker 2: give your partner what they want need to be happy, fulfilled, whatever.
Speaker 2: So now, common mistake that people make, whether it's in
Speaker 2: their thought process or in their their dating profile, is
Speaker 2: that they're trying to find someone who speaks the same
Speaker 2: love language. And if you aren't familiar, and just to
Speaker 2: back up forty five seconds here, the love language in
Speaker 2: the book, the five love languages are acts of service,
Speaker 2: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch.
Speaker 2: And we'll circle back to those in a second in
Speaker 2: a little bit more detail. But my issue is in
Speaker 2: people trying to find a partner who speaks the same
Speaker 2: love language, which makes no sense to me. You know,
Speaker 2: you both love receiving gifts. You both think that's your
Speaker 2: love language, or you're looking for somebody who also likes that,
Speaker 2: so you just sort of pingpong the massage weekend gift
Speaker 2: cards back and forth between you. That doesn't make any
Speaker 2: sense to me. Of course not. Of course that is
Speaker 2: not a recipe for anything. And that kind of mindset
Speaker 2: has you and a lot of people out there looking for,
Speaker 2: you know, a version of yourself. I like this. This
Speaker 2: makes my life easier if they like that. H That's
Speaker 2: like saying, you know, you both need to be Denver
Speaker 2: Bronco fans and people date that way, or fans of
Speaker 2: the Office people date that way. But you need to
Speaker 2: be you know, find a situation rather than that, to
Speaker 2: find one who can sort of compliment and enhance who
Speaker 2: you are and the situation. But I'm not here to
Speaker 2: just dive in all the love languages. I'm here to
Speaker 2: talk about my problem with them, the issue I have
Speaker 2: with them. First of all, I don't think there's only five,
Speaker 2: and I don't know. I would love to see Gary
Speaker 2: Chapman's discard list. I would like to see how he
Speaker 2: had fifteen and then narrowed it down, and he's probably like, oh,
Speaker 2: these three are kind of the same, let's do that.
Speaker 2: It's a lot easier if you have a group of five.
Speaker 2: I get that. I don't think there's only five, though,
Speaker 2: I mean Mazarelli sticks or my love language, and I
Speaker 2: don't see them on this list or in his book.
Speaker 2: Not a single maxim mentioned. But maybe that's in receiving gifts.
Speaker 2: I want some to give those to me. I don't know.
Speaker 2: But that's not my issue with the love languages. My
Speaker 2: issue is this, eighty five percent of men have the
Speaker 2: same love language eighty five percent. And you're like, where'd
Speaker 2: you get that stat from? I did the research myself.
Speaker 2: I've done it twice two times. We have done a
Speaker 2: survey of over one thousand men, which makes this the
Speaker 2: single biggest survey ever done on this, and ask them
Speaker 2: what is their love language, and men eighty five percent,
Speaker 2: like eighty four point five came back with the same
Speaker 2: love language. So back to Gary Chapman's book. If you're
Speaker 2: going to break this concept down and say there's only
Speaker 2: there's five and there's only five, that's fine, but they
Speaker 2: better be split at about twenty percent each. You can't
Speaker 2: have one have eighty five percent and then the other four,
Speaker 2: at least on the men's side collectively do fifteen and
Speaker 2: or else it doesn't really make sense. And on the
Speaker 2: women's side, it's not twenty twenty, twenty twenty twenty either
Speaker 2: you know, but it's it's a little closer on that.
Speaker 2: So when I ask women, which is what I'm getting
Speaker 2: into here today, to guess the love language that eighty
Speaker 2: five percent of men have, about eighty five percent of
Speaker 2: them get it wrong. And the fact that they get
Speaker 2: it wrong really affects everything about how they date and
Speaker 2: who they date and the outcome of them dating. Because
Speaker 2: if you think a guy I wants this or does
Speaker 2: this or has that and it's not quite right, neither
Speaker 2: of you will be fulfilled. And you hear the drill,
Speaker 2: that's the drill. I told you it was coming. And
Speaker 2: that's a huge problem with all of this and all
Speaker 2: of us. Nobody is fulfilled. So you're probably like, oh,
Speaker 2: just get to the point. What is the eighty love
Speaker 2: language that eighty five percent of men have? And some
Speaker 2: of you're trying to guess out there, Well, that is
Speaker 2: called a tease. We will reveal that love lesson for
Speaker 2: you here. Don't be a tease, but we will reveal
Speaker 2: the answer to that and be back right after this.
Speaker 2: And we are back. We're talking about love languages. So
Speaker 2: eighty five percent of women think that men No, wait,
Speaker 2: that's wrong. Sorry, I almost ware eighty five percent of
Speaker 2: women guess this wrong. Eighty five percent of men have
Speaker 2: the same love language and almost all women and guess
Speaker 2: it to be physical touch. They're like, men are horny,
Speaker 2: primitive creatures. It must be physical touch, and it is
Speaker 2: not and it is not gifts, and it is not
Speaker 2: acts of service. Eighty five percent of men love language
Speaker 2: is words of affirmation, and because they do not get
Speaker 2: words of affirmation, they need the physical touch because in
Speaker 2: some way that is at least a sign that she
Speaker 2: thinks something positive of you. I bring this up a
Speaker 2: lot that a lot of times the women are like, oh,
Speaker 2: the men are just trying to get some action on
Speaker 2: the first date, and they're always groping at me whatever.
Speaker 2: It's that. It's because they are not hear that's real.
Speaker 2: It's because they are not getting anything back communicatively on
Speaker 2: these dates. They tell you you're pretty, they tell you
Speaker 2: would you like to see a dessert menu, They compliment you,
Speaker 2: they say all these things, and maybe the men is
Speaker 2: getting back thank you. So he's like, well, if I
Speaker 2: make a move and she likes it, well then she
Speaker 2: doesn't think I'm gross. But if he got some positive words,
Speaker 2: I got it, he would calm down. To the point
Speaker 2: where I've said many times, if the women want the
Speaker 2: men to just calm the fuck down on the first date,
Speaker 2: she has to be like, listen, I find you super attractive.
Speaker 2: I just don't like to do anything until I'm ready.
Speaker 2: But when I'm ready, it will blow your mind, and
Speaker 2: he will calm the fuck down because he knows blow
Speaker 2: your mind is on the menu. I talk about this
Speaker 2: on our live shows a lot that there's three things
Speaker 2: that all men three things at all women need. There's
Speaker 2: three things that all men need, and the women just
Speaker 2: to quick a refresher if you're new around here. The
Speaker 2: women need to feel special, they need to feel safe,
Speaker 2: and they need to feel sexy. Safe is the tough one.
Speaker 2: On the women's side, they need to safe is about
Speaker 2: trust and sharing and oustin and understanding all these things.
Speaker 2: But on the men's side, the men need to be
Speaker 2: admired or respected. The men need to be appreciated, and
Speaker 2: the men need to be needed, And that is the
Speaker 2: tough one, especially as we record this in twenty twenty four.
Speaker 2: The men are not needed much anymore. And I say
Speaker 2: all the time, you know the people, some women say no,
Speaker 2: it's about want, not need, no no need. I want
Speaker 2: tater touts. I need world peace. Now I screwed up
Speaker 2: my own joke. I need I need world peace. I
Speaker 2: want tater tuts. I don't even know my joke is
Speaker 2: anymore anyway. But that's the difference, Like it's about need.
Speaker 2: They want to be needed, and the need is not
Speaker 2: I need physical touch. I need you to need me
Speaker 2: a lot more. A lot more women have a love
Speaker 2: language of physical touch than men do. It's not even close,
Speaker 2: but the men the women sometimes, misterpt it. I know
Speaker 2: a girl and uh, she was really having challenges in
Speaker 2: her marriage, and she couldn't understand why her husband did
Speaker 2: not care about her love her the way she thought
Speaker 2: he should or wanted him to. And she says to me,
Speaker 2: I was talking to her. I barely knew her, so
Speaker 2: surprised that she even said this, But she said, I
Speaker 2: don't understand I give him blowjobs. She said that about
Speaker 2: her husband, and and like that was gonna be the
Speaker 2: magical thing that of course he's gonna love her, like
Speaker 2: if she's performing these sort of wifely duties, especially the
Speaker 2: light bulb was going to go off for him. And
Speaker 2: I'm like, she doesn't get it. If she somehow, you know,
Speaker 2: encouraged him or made him feel good about himself, or
Speaker 2: create an environment there he could feel confident or any
Speaker 2: of these other things, or made him feel loved or anything,
Speaker 2: he probably wouldn't need that. And he doesn't even need
Speaker 2: that she's given to him because she's like, I'm going
Speaker 2: to give him this. This at least has to make
Speaker 2: him happy. No, it will also make him happy, but
Speaker 2: it will not be the core that makes him happy.
Speaker 2: And you and a lot of the women are like,
Speaker 2: I shouldn't have to do that. Happiness as this comes
Speaker 2: from with him whatever. I don't know. It's about an
Speaker 2: environment and two of you have to create an environment
Speaker 2: where each other can be happy and the trust can
Speaker 2: flourish and the sharing can happen and all these kind
Speaker 2: of things. So if you're just like, oh, I'll just
Speaker 2: have sex with him, that's going to be everything. And
Speaker 2: the same girl, I mean, they got divorced later. I
Speaker 2: know that because it didn't work out. And that same
Speaker 2: girl I know her dating now. She she tends to
Speaker 2: lead with sex. She's like, if I give them sex,
Speaker 2: they're gonna, they're gonna that's what they need. And they
Speaker 2: like me I'm like, they also need other things, and
Speaker 2: a lot of those other things they need first, and
Speaker 2: they need intimacy, and sometimes they need to hug, and
Speaker 2: sometimes they need to hold your hand, and sometimes they
Speaker 2: need to feel like they look good, and they need
Speaker 2: all these things. So, yes, men are sometimes very primitive,
Speaker 2: horny creatures and cave men. But a lot of times
Speaker 2: that's because nothing else is getting in or getting through
Speaker 2: to them. And so I'm not trying to like put
Speaker 2: the burden on the ladies, but a lot of this
Speaker 2: is you're just not understanding the men. And if you
Speaker 2: think that physical touch is what is driving him, it's not.
Speaker 2: It's the words, and the men rarely get the words.
Speaker 2: The very very best partner that I know, the best
Speaker 2: partner in the world, she never misses an opportunity.
Speaker 1: To say.
Speaker 2: I love you, you're the best, You're my guy, I
Speaker 2: believe in you, I'm proud of you, I support you,
Speaker 2: I'm so happy to be with you, all of those
Speaker 2: things that maybe in the twenty years of marriage people
Speaker 2: have trouble saying to each other. And I understand that
Speaker 2: in the noise of a life and the noise of
Speaker 2: a family, you might forget to do that, but a
Speaker 2: lot of times he doesn't forget to do that.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: I know there's a lot of women out there, like
Speaker 2: my husband hasn't told me I'm beautiful in ten years,
Speaker 2: maybe because he thinks he's not getting anything back, or
Speaker 2: maybe he thinks you won't care, or maybe he thinks
Speaker 2: you're saying it for the wrong reason. I don't know.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of this, and a lot of the women,
Speaker 2: you know, if you ask them, they need physical touch
Speaker 2: because they want to feel desired, and that is the
Speaker 2: missing element out of a lot of the women. They
Speaker 2: want to feel desired, they want to feel close. They
Speaker 2: want physical touch because they need closeness. And sometimes that
Speaker 2: is just a hand on the arm or a or
Speaker 2: a hug or something like that. It's not necessarily sex either.
Speaker 2: They want him to say I've got you, and touch
Speaker 2: means I've got you. Some of this, you know, I
Speaker 2: know we've gotten into before, and some of it we haven't.
Speaker 2: But it comes up a lot, and I'm surprised at
Speaker 2: a concept that really seems to have so much legs
Speaker 2: and people talk about a lot. They rarely talk about
Speaker 2: that sort of blip in his system where it's like, well,
Speaker 2: if eighty five percent of men want the same thing
Speaker 2: and a big, big chunk of women are getting it wrong,
Speaker 2: we're not doing a good job of communicating what that
Speaker 2: is and why it's getting why it's wrong, and so
Speaker 2: many of the women are like, he's a simple creature.
Speaker 2: He is. I've said before, the men are light switches
Speaker 2: and the women are motherboards. And you know, we had
Speaker 2: back in the early days of this podcast, we had
Speaker 2: doctor John Gray, the guy who wrote mars Venus, on
Speaker 2: this podcast, and he was fantastic, and he agreed with
Speaker 2: a lot of the you know, the differences between the
Speaker 2: men and the women and how they've evolved. We always
Speaker 2: say on the Great Love Debate, the women look for
Speaker 2: red flags and the men look for green lights. We
Speaker 2: stand by that. He agrees with that. We're just different
Speaker 2: in what we're looking for. And for him, a green
Speaker 2: light comes from the words, comes from the words. So
Speaker 2: if you think that, you know, well, I made out
Speaker 2: with him, so he knows I like him, not necessarily,
Speaker 2: And I'm saying you shouldn't do that either. Saying you shouldn't,
Speaker 2: I'm saying you got to follow that up with this
Speaker 2: was fun. That was great. I want to do it again.
Speaker 1: You look good.
Speaker 2: You know, we get the smack on the nose as
Speaker 2: men way more than we get the pat on the nose.
Speaker 2: The pat on the nose means so much more because
Speaker 2: it is rarer. And so if you think about it again,
Speaker 2: as always, I'm never trying to defend the men. Most men,
Speaker 2: including me, suck. But if you're getting into this and
Speaker 2: you're trying to understand, what is something very very easy
Speaker 2: that I need to do for him to make him
Speaker 2: understand not that he cares about me, that that I
Speaker 2: care about him. It's not a lap dance. It's not
Speaker 2: say that for birthdays and anniversaries. It's you were amazing today,
Speaker 2: or you made me feel great, or I'm proud of you,
Speaker 2: or I love how hard you work, I love how
Speaker 2: you take care of this family, whatever it is. I
Speaker 2: love how you put me first. Things like that. And
Speaker 2: then maybe even if he's not putting me first, he
Speaker 2: might realize that that matters to you. So your words
Speaker 2: of affirmation will boomerang back to you in a very
Speaker 2: very positive way that it's like, oh, she recognized that
Speaker 2: I did something that made me care more about her,
Speaker 2: that made me love her, that made me want her,
Speaker 2: that made me appreciate her all of that. And so
Speaker 2: you know, this isn't the longest podcast that I can
Speaker 2: tell that Travis has tried to dodge around my sentences
Speaker 2: to avoid the drill. Go ahead and drill trap this drill,
Speaker 2: baby drill. He's putting acoustic panels up on the wall,
Speaker 2: so maybe there's little echo. But that's what I want
Speaker 2: to get into today. Ladies, men, don't assume that's what
Speaker 2: it is, because it is not. Give him some words
Speaker 2: and a gift card for some Mazzarelli sticks. As far
Speaker 2: as us like, share, follow, please re youth, shoot me
Speaker 2: an email, mail Great Love Debate at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: If you've got comments, thoughts, questions, or I don't agree
Speaker 2: with you, you're wrong, but you can agree with me.
Speaker 2: Great Love Debate at Gmail because as always at the
Speaker 2: Great Love Debate, we never stop making love. See you
Speaker 2: next time.
Speaker 1: The Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, Degree
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