Speaker 1: Mister Twizzleton's typewriter. Several strange things have happened to me
Speaker 1: in my life that my friends could never account for.
Speaker 1: They could never understand how I got an introduction to
Speaker 1: Twizzleton q C. Nor why that learned a gentleman, after
Speaker 1: allowing me to double his work for him for ten
Speaker 1: years without putting anything in my way, suddenly use every
Speaker 1: effort and influence he was capable of to put an
Speaker 1: important and valuable junior practice in my hands. Twizzleton q c.
Speaker 1: Was a hard, selfish man in person. He was like
Speaker 1: a badly dried moth whose long, old fashioned whiskers resembled
Speaker 1: the remains of wings. It was of him that it
Speaker 1: was originally said that he was the living representative of
Speaker 1: a tenant entail after possibility of issue extinct. And there
Speaker 1: is consequently great surprise when Twizzleton married Lucy Travers, who,
Speaker 1: as you will remember, was the belle of her season.
Speaker 1: But the Travers were not so well off as they
Speaker 1: pretended to be, and Twizzleton, as we all know, made
Speaker 1: his fifteen thousand a year and had, if anything, an
Speaker 1: ever increasing practice in the chancery division. Twistleton was undoubtedly
Speaker 1: a great lawyer and a man of strong common sense,
Speaker 1: but he had two fads. He was a believer in ghosts,
Speaker 1: and he wrote everything in his chambers upon a Remington typewriter.
Speaker 1: Twizzleton and his wife were staying one June in Norfolk
Speaker 1: at Lady Barn Doors. Twizzleton was due in town to
Speaker 1: argue the great patent case concerning sewing machines of Buncombe
Speaker 1: and another versus Badger in the Court of Appeal on
Speaker 1: Wednesday morning. I expected him back in chambers on the
Speaker 1: Monday evening, understanding that he intended rejoining his wife at
Speaker 1: the end of the week, for this case would last
Speaker 1: at least three days, and Twizzleton was in several other
Speaker 1: cases on the list. About eight o'clock on Monday evening,
Speaker 1: I had dined early at my club and was engaged
Speaker 1: noting up Twzzleton's papers when he came in with his
Speaker 1: gladstone bag and rug, looking, as I thought, tired and
Speaker 1: out of spirits. When Twizzleton was in town by himself,
Speaker 1: he always slept at his own chambers, as in the
Speaker 1: ol days before he was married, and his breakfast a
Speaker 1: chop and two eggs, was sent in from the cock Twizzleton,
Speaker 1: having heard what Foss his clerk had to stay on
Speaker 1: the subject of retainers, dismissed him. Then he slammed down
Speaker 1: the windows, which I had opened to let in what
Speaker 1: fresher there was in old square, carefully closed the door,
Speaker 1: let himself into the hard chair in front of his
Speaker 1: writing table, and idly leaned over the papers which were
Speaker 1: before him. At length, the outer door was heard to close,
Speaker 1: Foss had departed, and Twizzleton broke silence. Penrose, my dear fellow,
Speaker 1: I am uncomfortable. Twizzleton, I may here remark, was always
Speaker 1: on the best of terms with me, and treated me
Speaker 1: as a friend. For I believe I was useful to him.
Speaker 1: I had made great way in his affections by solemnly
Speaker 1: advising him to marry Missus Travers when I saw he
Speaker 1: was bent on doing so. But since his marriage I
Speaker 1: am not sure that this course of conduct of mine
Speaker 1: had been altogether to my advantage. I looked to him
Speaker 1: for a further explanation, which I saw was coming. Penrose,
Speaker 1: my dear fellow, who do you think is at lady
Speaker 1: barn Door's I shook my head, being entirely in ignorance.
Speaker 1: Charlie Colston replied, Twizzleton trying to carve his whiskers with
Speaker 1: a paper knife. Charlie Colston, Poor Charlie Colston. It was
Speaker 1: well known that he had paid his addresses to pretty
Speaker 1: missus Twizzleton in former days, and reports said she had
Speaker 1: encouraged them. No wonder Twizleton was excited. I knew him
Speaker 1: to be of an extremely jealous nature. Now mark me, Penrose,
Speaker 1: said Twizzleton, shaking his forefinger at me as he would
Speaker 1: at Lord Usher in the appeal court. What took place yesterday?
Speaker 1: When I was playing tennis? The whole time, sir, he
Speaker 1: and she were talking and chatting together and laughing, Yes,
Speaker 1: laughing perhaps at my play, For I played abominably. I
Speaker 1: know it. I could not bear to see them. Twizzleton's
Speaker 1: tennis was never first rate. He had begun to play
Speaker 1: too late in life. He was an annoying partner, as
Speaker 1: he always insisted on leading, taking all the difficult strokes
Speaker 1: and failing at them. He was a still more objectionable opponent,
Speaker 1: as he was always taking technical objections on points of practice. Still,
Speaker 1: however badly one plays, it is not pleasant to be
Speaker 1: laughed at, even by one's wife. I tried to soothe Twizzleton,
Speaker 1: but he interrupted me. Now there is another point I
Speaker 1: desired to urge. Twiston always spoke as though he was
Speaker 1: addressing the court of appeal. When I asked my wife
Speaker 1: to come back to day, she point blank refused, what
Speaker 1: do you think of that? Nothing whatever? I answered, she
Speaker 1: had arranged to stay. And you are going down on
Speaker 1: Saturday again. I think you are making mountains out of
Speaker 1: mole hills. I hope I am penrose. I hope I am,
Speaker 1: replied Twizzleton mournfully. But you didn't see them. I did,
Speaker 1: and Twizzleton sighed deeply. Then the subject dropped and we
Speaker 1: got to work on a small case. Soon Twizzleton, with
Speaker 1: a self complacent smile on his countenance, was playing an
Speaker 1: opinion on his typewriter. It was to him, I believe,
Speaker 1: as though each note he struck produced a deep, mellow
Speaker 1: tone and not a capital or small rooman. I can
Speaker 1: remember when Twizzleton first had his typewriter. In those days,
Speaker 1: he used to sit at it for hours, practicing hitting
Speaker 1: first one note and then the other at intervals, varying
Speaker 1: between ten seconds and two or three minutes. Every now
Speaker 1: and then, using the most horrible language as you put
Speaker 1: a capital for a small rooman or missed his space.
Speaker 1: Then his efforts looked as though they were the productions
Speaker 1: of six drunken printers who had each taken an absent
Speaker 1: comrade's work for the day, and they were always copied
Speaker 1: before they went to clients. Now the machine went click, click, click,
Speaker 1: even lee and merrily. Twistleton was a perfect master of it.
Speaker 1: I had seen him work it with his eyes shut.
Speaker 1: I have no doubt that if he could have stood
Speaker 1: on his head, and if it had been consonant with
Speaker 1: the dignity of a Queen's counsul to do so, he
Speaker 1: could have played his instrument in that posture. The opinion finished. Twizzleton,
Speaker 1: who was a very methodical man, put a fresh sheet
Speaker 1: of paper in readiness to commence again, folded and signed
Speaker 1: what he had written, and bade me good night. His
Speaker 1: last words to me were, I hope you are right
Speaker 1: about Charlie Colston. I am sure of it, I said,
Speaker 1: I wish I were. Tomorrow we were to have a
Speaker 1: long day at Buncombe versus Badger. When I arrived in
Speaker 1: the morning, Twizzleton was at breakfast. I no longer entered
Speaker 1: than he set down his egg spoon, and, rushing at
Speaker 1: me with a piece of paper, thrust it into my hands.
Speaker 1: Read that he cried excitedly. Read that I noticed that
Speaker 1: Twizzleton seemed done well. There was a wild look in
Speaker 1: his eyes. His chop was untouched, A reversal of Twizzleton's
Speaker 1: procedure at breakfast, which was more extraordinary to me than
Speaker 1: his strange appearance. The egg he was eating was, to
Speaker 1: anyone with a sense of smell, manifestly a bad one.
Speaker 1: A most portentous fact to me, who remember hearing Twizzleton,
Speaker 1: who never knew any criminal law, seriously tell the boy
Speaker 1: from the cock that he believed the bill a tainer
Speaker 1: would lie against him for bringing him a bad egg.
Speaker 1: What did it all mean? I looked at the paper
Speaker 1: in my hands. On it were two words, neatly printed,
Speaker 1: Charlie Colston. I stared blankly at Twizzleton. What did it mean?
Speaker 1: Twizzleton was shaking visibly. Do you believe in ghosts? He
Speaker 1: asked anxiously. Certainly not, I replied, Ah, sighed Twizzleton, and
Speaker 1: added sententiously, there are more things in heaven and Earth
Speaker 1: than are dreamed of in your philosophy. This was the
Speaker 1: only quotation I ever heard him utter that did not
Speaker 1: come from the law reports. I believe he fancied it.
Speaker 1: It was afraid he had invented in his early youth,
Speaker 1: when he first began to believe in ghosts. If you
Speaker 1: don't believe in ghosts? Who wrote that message on my typewriter?
Speaker 1: Twizzleton's manner was very impressive. I felt like a witness
Speaker 1: committing perjury. I tell you I found it this morning
Speaker 1: when I want to write a letter just before breakfast.
Speaker 1: Who wrote it? He shouted? Who wrote it? I will know?
Speaker 1: Perhaps Foss, I suggested he has not been here and
Speaker 1: can't use the typewriter. I had heard him say so,
Speaker 1: but did not believe it. Foss was afraid of overworking
Speaker 1: himself and so did not choose to learn it. But
Speaker 1: any fool could use it if he liked to learn.
Speaker 1: My opinion was that Foss could use it. He was
Speaker 1: like the monkeys, who, as the negro said, could talk
Speaker 1: if they would, but knew if they did, they would
Speaker 1: be made to work. How about the laundress, I suggested, Ah,
Speaker 1: the laundress, repeated Twizzleton, thoughtfully, the laundress, so, missus. Butcheck
Speaker 1: the laundress was sent for when Foss came in, but
Speaker 1: she denied all knowledge of the typewriter or the writing.
Speaker 1: Making a new suggestion which did not to our thinking
Speaker 1: much advanced the solution of the mystery, and that was
Speaker 1: that the culprit was the cat. It is a message,
Speaker 1: said Twizzleton, mysteriously. A message. Nonsense, I said, some fellow
Speaker 1: has strolled in and written the name for fun. Fun,
Speaker 1: cried Twistleton, indignantly fun, and then more quietly, No, I
Speaker 1: am sure of it. It is a message. Very little
Speaker 1: of Buncombe versus Badger could I get into Twizzleton's head
Speaker 1: that day? Plans and specifications. He seemed not to understand
Speaker 1: the seductive literary style of the Affidavit had no charm
Speaker 1: for him. He could only gaze at the paper in
Speaker 1: his hand and murmur, ever and anon a message. I
Speaker 1: saw it was best to humor him, and at my suggestion,
Speaker 1: the typewriter was locked up that night, and he took
Speaker 1: the key with him into his bedroom. We had had
Speaker 1: a rattling good dinner together, and when I left Twizzleton
Speaker 1: he was in much better spirits. If the ghost comes tonight,
Speaker 1: he won't be able to get at the typewriter anyhow,
Speaker 1: I said, laughing, hush, I don't know, replied Twizzleton solemnly,
Speaker 1: it is no jesting subject. I went my way, wondering
Speaker 1: how a man with Twizleton's practice could believe in ghosts,
Speaker 1: and who the deuce had written Charlie Colston's name on
Speaker 1: the typewriter. The next morning I walked down the Twizzletons
Speaker 1: directly after breakfast. I found him in the wildest imaginable condition.
Speaker 1: He had taken every precaution, locking up the typewriter, placing
Speaker 1: the key under his pillow, And yet here was the message,
Speaker 1: as he called it, printed in clear, faultless style, Charlie Colston.
Speaker 1: He is with your wife, Charlie Colston. I must go,
Speaker 1: I must go, Oh Penrose, what shall I do? He
Speaker 1: cried in agony as I entered the room, Go, I said,
Speaker 1: And who was to lead in Buncombe versus Badger? He
Speaker 1: was silent and buried all his face except his whiskers
Speaker 1: in his hands. Even his hands, large and uncouth as
Speaker 1: they were, could not contain his whiskers. Think of Ritzon
Speaker 1: and claim, what will they say? I urged, Seeing the
Speaker 1: effect that my words had on him. They rely on
Speaker 1: you on this case. The name of this eminent firm
Speaker 1: seemed to call Twizlton to some extent, my dear Penrose.
Speaker 1: He said, in a trembling voice, this is a message.
Speaker 1: I am sure of it. But I will do my duty.
Speaker 1: I will stay by my clients. Twizzleton, you speak like
Speaker 1: a queen's counsel and a man of honor, I said,
Speaker 1: seizing him by the hand, proud to shake it. If
Speaker 1: it is a message, I added, to humor him, it
Speaker 1: will come again tonight. I will tell you what we
Speaker 1: will do. We will watch the typewriter all night. Twizzleton
Speaker 1: wrung my hand with gratitude at this suggestion of mine,
Speaker 1: and called them. I made him eat some of his
Speaker 1: cold chop, and sent for some brandy and water for
Speaker 1: him instead of the tea, which had already stood in
Speaker 1: the teapot for more than an hour. Then I endeavored
Speaker 1: to coach him in Buncombe versus Badger, but with small success.
Speaker 1: Then we went over to the appeal court, in which
Speaker 1: I took my seat, for though I was not briefed
Speaker 1: in the case, I had nothing else to do and
Speaker 1: was interested in seeing how Twizzleton got on with it.
Speaker 1: He was very able at picking up a case as
Speaker 1: he went along, and the Court of Appeals stood greatly
Speaker 1: in awe of him. I had never seen him as
Speaker 1: nervous as he was to day, not even on his
Speaker 1: wedding day, and I was quite frightened for him. Lord
Speaker 1: Usher m R, supported by Smug l J and Summerbasch
Speaker 1: l J, formed the court. Twizzleton came in late. He
Speaker 1: had been at a consultation. As he entered, I heard
Speaker 1: two solicitors clerks say to each other, who is that
Speaker 1: with the whiskers? Twizzleton keys, he has the biggest practice
Speaker 1: at the bar. He looks like a boiled owl, suggested
Speaker 1: his companion Drinks, I believe was the reply. This was horrible,
Speaker 1: for Twizzleton was a follower of Prebendary Faluten the great teetotaler.
Speaker 1: But certainly Twizzleton had a dissipated look this morning. His
Speaker 1: eyes were red, and the lines under his eyes were
Speaker 1: very dark and hollow. His cheeks were pale and yellow.
Speaker 1: Something of this kind I fancy, the master of the rolls,
Speaker 1: remarked to Lord Justice Smug, who nodded a sent. Twizzleton
Speaker 1: rose to open the case, which was a very intricate one,
Speaker 1: and Lord Usher, according to his constant practice, interrupted him
Speaker 1: with the regularity of a piece of clockwork every two
Speaker 1: and a half minutes, and then wondered why he did
Speaker 1: not understand the case, and shook himself impatiently. Much to
Speaker 1: Lord Usher's astonishment, Twizzleton did not deliver any of those
Speaker 1: stinging retorts by which he was wont to keep the
Speaker 1: Court of Appeal in order and frighten their lordships into
Speaker 1: deciding in his favor. On noticing this, the Lord Usher
Speaker 1: began to chaff and rally Twizzleton in a manner that
Speaker 1: was the admiration of the junior bar, the two lords Justices,
Speaker 1: and not least of all, of the Master of the
Speaker 1: Rolls himself. At length, Twizzleton, in expatiating on the merits
Speaker 1: of Buncombe's sewing machine, alluded to it as a typewriter,
Speaker 1: whereupon Lord Usher said with a humorous leer, that if
Speaker 1: it had been a question of typewriters, no doubt mister
Speaker 1: Twiztleton would have been called as a specialist to give evidence,
Speaker 1: and would not have been arguing the case before them,
Speaker 1: at which those in the court who kneeled Twizzleton's fad tittered,
Speaker 1: and his lordship's namesakes, who stand about the court, put
Speaker 1: their hands before their faces and shook visibly for a
Speaker 1: moment or two, and then called out hush, and looked angry.
Speaker 1: But Twizzleton lost his temper over this and asked his
Speaker 1: lordship if his lordship meant to hint that the court
Speaker 1: did not want to hear him, and intimated his intention
Speaker 1: if such was a case of sitting down. And then
Speaker 1: the whole court was really quite silent for a minute
Speaker 1: or two in anticipation of a row, and everyone ceased
Speaker 1: to fidget and paid close attention to Lord Usher to
Speaker 1: hear him with his blandest and most urbano smiles, explaining,
Speaker 1: how was the great privilege of that court to listen
Speaker 1: to mister Twizzleton, and what a high value they said
Speaker 1: upon that privilege, and how it was quite inconceivable to him,
Speaker 1: Lord Usher, that he, mister Twizzleton, could imagine for a
Speaker 1: moment that this court or any other court, should wish
Speaker 1: him to sit down. Whereupon Twizzleton murmured that his lordship
Speaker 1: was very good, meaning thereby that he should like to
Speaker 1: be with his Lordship in a small room where he
Speaker 1: could give him a bit of his mind. Then the
Speaker 1: case proceeded quite regularly until Twizzleton handed Lord Usher a
Speaker 1: lot of papers to explain his case. Lord Usher, coming
Speaker 1: to one, said with a knowing aside glance at smug
Speaker 1: lj that from the handwriting it must be a note
Speaker 1: of mister Twistleton's in another case, as he did not
Speaker 1: know that anyone of the name of Charles Colston was
Speaker 1: a party to this case. And what would have happened then,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Only the court rose for lunch. I
Speaker 1: heard two or three people say that day that Twizzleton,
Speaker 1: poor fellow, was doing more work than he ought to,
Speaker 1: that Twizzleton was a clever fellow, but he could not
Speaker 1: afford to burn the cannel at both ends. Indeed, Twizzleton's
Speaker 1: strange conduct in Buncombe versus Badger was a general topic
Speaker 1: of conversation in the robing room. When Twizzleton came out
Speaker 1: of court, I had the greatest difficulty to prevent him
Speaker 1: from rushing down the Norfolk by the night train. He
Speaker 1: was sure it was true, he believed in the message.
Speaker 1: I calmed him down and we had dinner together at
Speaker 1: my club. He had to continue his speech in the
Speaker 1: morning I tried to coach him a Buncombe versus Badger,
Speaker 1: but it was of no avail. I do not think
Speaker 1: he even knew for which side he was appearing. We
Speaker 1: agreed that we would sit up and watches, and so
Speaker 1: keep our eye on the typewriter all night. There was
Speaker 1: a sofa in the recess of the window, and Twizzleton
Speaker 1: sent me to bed and placed himself on this. I
Speaker 1: bat him good night and took his bed for the
Speaker 1: first half of the night. About two o'clock in the morning,
Speaker 1: I awoke and went to Twizzleton. He was wide awake,
Speaker 1: reading some papers on the sofa. Have you seen anything,
Speaker 1: I asked, nothing whatever, He replied, nor heard anything, not
Speaker 1: a sound. We took the lamp to the typewriter and
Speaker 1: opened it. There was a sheet of papers. He always
Speaker 1: left it untouched. Twizzleton locked it up again and took
Speaker 1: the key. Put it under your pillow, I will, he replied.
Speaker 1: It's very good of you to sit up like this.
Speaker 1: It's nothing at all. Assure you, I answered, keep strict watched,
Speaker 1: won't you? I promised you, I said. Twizzleton shook me
Speaker 1: by the hand with emotion and went out. He looked
Speaker 1: very ill and wretched, I thought, and was sorry for him.
Speaker 1: Was it a ghost message or what that was making
Speaker 1: his life a burden to him? Should I solve the mystery? Tonight?
Speaker 1: I waited about an hour and a half. The dawn
Speaker 1: came peeping through the painted shutters and made the lamp
Speaker 1: look dim. I was almost dozing. In fact, I had
Speaker 1: shut my eyes and lost consciousness for perhaps a minute,
Speaker 1: perhaps more. A sharp clicking sound awoke me. It was
Speaker 1: a typewriter. There seated on a chair in front of it,
Speaker 1: playing nimbly on the queer instrument, was a white, misty figure.
Speaker 1: It had finished. It, closed the cover down and turned
Speaker 1: the key. It wheeled round to the door, and I
Speaker 1: saw the face and whiskers. I knew so well it
Speaker 1: was twizzledom himself. My first impulse was to wake him,
Speaker 1: but I had heard that it was dangerous to wake
Speaker 1: persons walking in their sleep. He wanted all the sleep
Speaker 1: he could get, so I decided to let him alone,
Speaker 1: walk down to my own chambers and get some rest myself.
Speaker 1: When I got out into Old Square, I could not
Speaker 1: help roaring with laughter. It was too funny. The idea
Speaker 1: of old Twizzleton writing messages to himself on the typewriter
Speaker 1: and being frightened out of his wits by them. With
Speaker 1: a story to tell against him. No one would believe it.
Speaker 1: It was too good to be true. I awoke a
Speaker 1: little late the next morning, but went straight down to
Speaker 1: Old Square before breakfast. Alas I was too late. There
Speaker 1: was Foss in misery over a hasty scrawl of Twizzleton's.
Speaker 1: He had gone to barn door by the early train.
Speaker 1: Foss was to make any excuse he thought fit to
Speaker 1: Ritson and Claim. There was the typewriter shattered into a
Speaker 1: thousand pieces, its intricate machinery, a shapeless chaos. I shuddered
Speaker 1: to think what would happen if there was anything between
Speaker 1: Charlie Colston and missus Twizzleton. In town, everyone was asking
Speaker 1: what had become of Twizzleton. The rumor went round the
Speaker 1: lock course that he was insane. I maintained a discreet silence.
Speaker 1: Mister Claim was almost crying, a slow coach murmuring something
Speaker 1: about bad news, and his learned leader rose to continue
Speaker 1: Twizolton's opening. Lord Usher, unrestrained by the presence of Twizzleton,
Speaker 1: made the Court of Appeal a place of fiery torment
Speaker 1: to that eminent elderly junior mister slow Coach. Bustle QC
Speaker 1: for Badger was not even called upon to reply. Bun
Speaker 1: Coom and another were dismissed with costs the early train stop.
Speaker 1: As I knew at every station forty in number, I
Speaker 1: could imagine poor Twizzleton's state of mind as he potted
Speaker 1: along in a slow train to barn Door. He arrived
Speaker 1: at the US about breakfast time. I have the story
Speaker 1: from Grimbleton, who was there. He came into the breakfast
Speaker 1: room and his appearance elicited a shout of surprise. What
Speaker 1: has become a Buncombe versus Badger, cried Lord barn Door said, old, eh,
Speaker 1: not that I know of, muttered Twizzleton sulkily, and then,
Speaker 1: looking round fiercely, asked, where's my wife? Not down yet,
Speaker 1: replied Lord barn Door. Twizzleton looked hastily round, as though
Speaker 1: in search of some one else, and then tore upstairs
Speaker 1: to his wife's room. The whole company looked at each
Speaker 1: other in silence. There was some explanation about bad news,
Speaker 1: but the Twizzletons never went into morning, and missus Twizzletein
Speaker 1: seemed very merry, all that day. It was true that
Speaker 1: Twizzleton was moody and shut himself up a good deal.
Speaker 1: Grimbleton told me that he never understood the whole business
Speaker 1: in the least in fact, in Twizzleton's circle. It was
Speaker 1: a nine days wonder. By the bye, I almost forgot
Speaker 1: to mention that Charlie Colston left Barn Door to be
Speaker 1: married in Scotland the day after Twizzleton came to town.
Speaker 1: When Twizzleton returned to Old Square, he was a sadder
Speaker 1: and wiser man. He gave up believing in ghosts and
Speaker 1: did not buy another typewriter. I told Twizzleton that I
Speaker 1: would not let the matter go any farther, and I
Speaker 1: mentioned at the time that he might get me the
Speaker 1: junior brief in Buncombert's Badger, which went to the House
Speaker 1: of Lords, where, through Twizzleton's clear arguments, nors Justices Smug
Speaker 1: and summer Bosh were overruled that year, mostly through Twizzleton's influence.
Speaker 1: My Phoebe credited me with two thousand pounds. I have
Speaker 1: kept my secret well, but since Twizzleton succeeded Lord Usher
Speaker 1: as Master of the rolls, Lady Twizzleton has not called
Speaker 1: on missus Penrose. And although my wife assures me that
Speaker 1: she is rather glad of it, she is always telling
Speaker 1: me now that she does not think so good a
Speaker 1: story should be lost to the world as that of
Speaker 1: Twizzleton's typewriter