WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:08.039 The mug was my favorite, ceramic, thick with a doggyed 2 00:00:08.080 --> 00:00:11.199 Liberty bell crooked across one side, brought on some filly 3 00:00:11.240 --> 00:00:14.599 trip before we'd married. I cradled it in two hands, 4 00:00:14.880 --> 00:00:18.199 breathing in sharply enough to feel burning. Steam scraped my throat. 5 00:00:18.920 --> 00:00:22.440 Outside the kitchen's big eastern windows, the city was already 6 00:00:22.440 --> 00:00:27.000 restlessly gold and blue, ten stories below, traffic threading past 7 00:00:27.079 --> 00:00:31.160 our building and bright joggers jostling through the park. The 8 00:00:31.239 --> 00:00:34.159 hiss of the French press lingered in the small apartment, 9 00:00:34.560 --> 00:00:38.159 the only noise besides a neighbour's distant forcet and the 10 00:00:38.200 --> 00:00:41.920 tick of our battery clock. Paul had been gone for hours. 11 00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:44.920 He'd left early, humming don't stop me now in the shower, 12 00:00:45.119 --> 00:00:48.280 then circling the kitchen while wrestling his blue volunteer shirt 13 00:00:48.359 --> 00:00:52.119 over a crisp Oxford. Wish me luck, he'd said, twining 14 00:00:52.119 --> 00:00:54.920 his long arms around my waist, hands still warm from 15 00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:57.079 the mug i'd made him. There was a kiss, not 16 00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:01.240 rushed exactly, but businesslike, the kind that's half ritual, half affection. 17 00:01:01.920 --> 00:01:05.120 Big day the brunch. Wish I could bring you, babe, 18 00:01:05.120 --> 00:01:09.000 but they're strict about employees. Only for set up, I'll 19 00:01:09.040 --> 00:01:14.159 send photos. He'd been smiling genuinely. I believed him. It 20 00:01:14.239 --> 00:01:16.959 was a Saturday. This was supposed to be our date, 21 00:01:17.040 --> 00:01:21.920 Mourning quass Us, a farmer's market, whatever, Netflix nonfiction scandal. 22 00:01:22.079 --> 00:01:25.239 We'd half finish before dozing in a pile on the sectional. 23 00:01:25.879 --> 00:01:31.159 Seven years in routine felt firmer than walls. He destarted 24 00:01:31.159 --> 00:01:34.439 this volunteering roll out for his company about six weeks earlier. 25 00:01:35.040 --> 00:01:38.280 Urban Serf was its name, all donate blood days and 26 00:01:38.319 --> 00:01:43.280 food drives, with slick swag banners, downtown Instagram stories narrated 27 00:01:43.319 --> 00:01:47.560 by perky interns. Paul wasn't the bleed company colours type, 28 00:01:47.640 --> 00:01:50.120 or a guy who'd forced a single soup kitchen shift 29 00:01:50.120 --> 00:01:53.799 in college. Never mind this sudden bloom of charity. I 30 00:01:53.959 --> 00:01:57.400 was proud, amused a little, and not above teasing him 31 00:01:57.439 --> 00:02:01.599 for swapping hackathons for habitat for humanity. Maybe he was 32 00:02:01.640 --> 00:02:06.519 staring down some mild mid thirties restlessness. Anyway, I'd reposted 33 00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:10.479 three of those official Urban Serve stories before noon, tagging him, 34 00:02:10.800 --> 00:02:14.879 tacking on an exclamation pointed married up for good measure. 35 00:02:15.919 --> 00:02:19.199 Fifteen hours later, I was balancing a glass of boxed 36 00:02:19.240 --> 00:02:23.039 Pinot in our friends lobby, grinning through small talk and 37 00:02:23.080 --> 00:02:28.080 partner introductions. My heels already regretted. Paul would meet us later. 38 00:02:28.199 --> 00:02:32.800 He'd said, brunch ted and was running long. Miela intercepted 39 00:02:32.840 --> 00:02:35.400 me as I emerged out of the bathroom and half jogged, 40 00:02:35.639 --> 00:02:38.919 arms open into the traffic circle of a hundred mingling guests. 41 00:02:39.360 --> 00:02:42.639 Miela was tall, hair in an unruly bun, a mutual 42 00:02:42.680 --> 00:02:46.280 ambassador between social and work scenes. Hey didn't see you 43 00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:49.639 at the big shindick, she laughed. We rescheduled the brunch, 44 00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:53.719 total mess. Something about the venue's floorboards. Julia about lost 45 00:02:53.759 --> 00:02:58.680 her mind. I blinked, Confused, I pushed a smile. Wait 46 00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:02.560 what I thought it was to day? Paul's been coordinating, right, 47 00:03:02.919 --> 00:03:07.919 I fished for levity. Miela shrugged, nope. Pushed to next Saturday. 48 00:03:08.240 --> 00:03:10.800 He wasn't on site with us. I figured maybe he 49 00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:14.879 was on another project. God, I hope Maggie's caterers don't bail. 50 00:03:15.560 --> 00:03:18.080 She was whisked away by her husband, the scent of 51 00:03:18.120 --> 00:03:22.360 gardinia and bourbon trailing in her wake. For a second, 52 00:03:22.599 --> 00:03:25.479 it felt like stepping from sunlight into a cold draft. 53 00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:28.960 I perched on the edge of an Ottoman glass, lopsided 54 00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:33.199 in my hand, replaying the details. Not real panic, just 55 00:03:33.280 --> 00:03:36.479 that microstutter where memory and reality miss each other at 56 00:03:36.520 --> 00:03:39.439 a cross walk. Maybe Paul had gone in any way, 57 00:03:39.879 --> 00:03:42.520 Maybe he'd forgotten to text, or the pivot was so 58 00:03:42.759 --> 00:03:46.400 last minute he didn't register the change. As the night 59 00:03:46.479 --> 00:03:50.919 spun up, card games, unpracticed karaoke, I kept eyeing my phone, 60 00:03:51.240 --> 00:03:54.199 then decided no better not to be that wife. I 61 00:03:54.240 --> 00:03:55.960 didn't want to text him and say, what did you 62 00:03:56.039 --> 00:03:59.919 actually do this morning? I let it slide, pouring another glass, 63 00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:03.560 convincing myself Mila must have been talking about a different brunch. 64 00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:07.199 There were so many events. He was so busy it 65 00:04:07.240 --> 00:04:11.719 didn't make sense to dwell. Sunday arrived gray and cloudy, 66 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:14.280 and Paul was already half way through a bowl of 67 00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:16.839 cereal when I padded out in an old mercy me 68 00:04:17.079 --> 00:04:21.160 ten k T. I leaned on the counter, hair sticking up, 69 00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:26.000 watching him scrolling. How was the brunch yesterday? My voice 70 00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:30.000 was easy, I hoped, Oh good, he replied, quickly, not 71 00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:33.639 looking up. Really smooth. The guest list was tight, but 72 00:04:33.720 --> 00:04:37.120 people seemed excited. I think we raised a pretty good haul. 73 00:04:37.800 --> 00:04:41.199 He described a silent auction a new local jazz trio 74 00:04:41.319 --> 00:04:45.079 mimosas it sounded plausible, except none of it matched what 75 00:04:45.199 --> 00:04:48.959 Miela said. He set his phone down half on the 76 00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:52.319 cork trivet bowl at the edge of the sink. Didn't 77 00:04:52.319 --> 00:04:55.439 Mila say she was running food? I didn't really see her. 78 00:04:56.480 --> 00:04:59.000 I picked at the sleeve of my shirt. She said 79 00:04:59.000 --> 00:05:04.199 it was postponed some venue emergency. Paul laughed a little 80 00:05:04.199 --> 00:05:08.000 too hard in hindsight. Oh, she probably meant the lunch thing, 81 00:05:08.120 --> 00:05:11.120 not the brunch. It's a mess. Honestly, I just keep 82 00:05:11.160 --> 00:05:14.399 my head down, show up where they point. He swiped 83 00:05:14.439 --> 00:05:17.319 his phone, dropped a kiss on my temple, and asked 84 00:05:17.319 --> 00:05:20.959 what I wanted for brunch next Saturday, as if redirecting traffic. 85 00:05:22.040 --> 00:05:25.920 That afternoon, Paul's phone, always an extension of his right hand, 86 00:05:26.040 --> 00:05:29.079 loitered on the kitchen table as he showered. I started 87 00:05:29.120 --> 00:05:31.879 gathering laundry, then noticed a bright pop up on the screen. 88 00:05:32.160 --> 00:05:35.319 A misst call contact j Red Hart. I never seen 89 00:05:35.360 --> 00:05:38.120 it before. Not a family member, not any of the 90 00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:41.480 Jake or James he game nighted with. Maybe Julia from 91 00:05:41.480 --> 00:05:44.399 the charity team. I didn't touch the phone. I let 92 00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:47.519 it slide down the lock screen and disappear. The flutter 93 00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:51.439 in my chest diminished, but didn't vanish. I made myself 94 00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:54.920 ignore it. Maybe I thought he told me stories about 95 00:05:54.920 --> 00:05:58.839 this Julia before I rummaged through my weak struggling to 96 00:05:58.920 --> 00:06:02.759 recall any face or incident. I'd always trusted him if 97 00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:05.879 he wanted to keep a work friendship playful, fine. We 98 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:10.000 had nothing to prove that. Evening alone, while Paul was 99 00:06:10.040 --> 00:06:13.879 in his office finishing expense reports, I found myself on LinkedIn. 100 00:06:14.319 --> 00:06:18.399 I justified it by professional interest. Maybe I'd swing marketing 101 00:06:18.439 --> 00:06:22.680 support to urbanserve, make him proud. His recently updated profyl 102 00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:26.279 caught my attention. There. It was his photo with the 103 00:06:26.360 --> 00:06:29.879 charity's logo now prominent, one of those soft light heads 104 00:06:29.879 --> 00:06:33.759 shots with a making a difference tagline. A flood of 105 00:06:33.800 --> 00:06:37.240 congratulatory comments dotted the post, but it was a line 106 00:06:37.279 --> 00:06:41.480 of inside joke banter from Julia, v standing out her comment, 107 00:06:42.040 --> 00:06:46.319 next time I'm picking playlist brunches, shouldn't permit. Nickelback was 108 00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:50.000 liked by Paul and a handful of his friends. I 109 00:06:50.040 --> 00:06:53.160 clicked her profyl. We'd never met, though her face was 110 00:06:53.240 --> 00:06:56.279 vaguely familiar from a group dinner photo Paul had shown 111 00:06:56.360 --> 00:07:01.519 weeks back. I scrolled her feed Urbanserve bread everywhere, bright 112 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:05.000 dresses at gala tables, him near by in the background 113 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:09.639 of three photos, clinking glasses. He told me about Julia 114 00:07:09.879 --> 00:07:12.720 Witty type A, the only one who can code and 115 00:07:12.759 --> 00:07:16.720 coordinate a pancake breakfast. At the same time, I remembered 116 00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:20.600 laughing teasing him about how Urban serv needed more project managers, 117 00:07:20.680 --> 00:07:24.519 less ego. I was not am not a jealous person, 118 00:07:24.680 --> 00:07:28.519 I reminded myself. Their work ran in overlapping circles and 119 00:07:28.600 --> 00:07:33.360 required late nights. That's how success happened. But I realized, 120 00:07:33.480 --> 00:07:36.319 as the hour turned late, that I couldn't easily piece 121 00:07:36.360 --> 00:07:40.199 together time lends of these events. Public charity posts said 122 00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:44.079 one thing, Paul's stories another. Some of it didn't add up, 123 00:07:44.360 --> 00:07:47.680 but didn't have to. I hid the tab, resolved not 124 00:07:47.800 --> 00:07:51.000 to snoop, and rehearsed again all the ways trust meant 125 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:55.240 refusing to dwell on silly things. Over the next two weeks, 126 00:07:55.360 --> 00:07:58.759 work accelerated for both of us. My agency prepping a 127 00:07:58.759 --> 00:08:02.519 product launch flood me with endless meetings and late copy edits. 128 00:08:03.000 --> 00:08:07.079 Paul meanwhile, seemed buoyed, bouncing into mornings, bright and energetic, 129 00:08:07.360 --> 00:08:10.759 tossing me urban serve, zip sweatshirts, coffee mugs, even a 130 00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:14.839 pink notebook, who says non profit means boring swag. He 131 00:08:14.879 --> 00:08:19.720 spent long evenings at creative meetings, apologizing for late returns. 132 00:08:20.279 --> 00:08:24.240 Our usual date night Saffron bar, always a corner booth 133 00:08:24.279 --> 00:08:27.639 where he performed card tricks with the napkins, was canceled 134 00:08:27.680 --> 00:08:31.720 for a last minute planning session. He promised we'd reschedule 135 00:08:32.679 --> 00:08:35.960 Wednesday evening. I came home after drinks with a client 136 00:08:36.240 --> 00:08:39.440 and found him streaming city council footage on his laptop, 137 00:08:39.720 --> 00:08:43.320 half drowsing. I slid into the couch next to him. 138 00:08:43.519 --> 00:08:46.840 You're turning into a regular do gooda, I joked, pulling 139 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:51.120 my toes into his lap. He grinned, gotta keep up 140 00:08:51.159 --> 00:08:54.559 with you urban serves exhausting, though, once we get through 141 00:08:54.559 --> 00:08:58.000 the gala, I'll relax. He leaned his head against mine. 142 00:08:58.440 --> 00:09:02.559 Let's get away once this blow over, I nodded, searching 143 00:09:02.559 --> 00:09:06.559 his face. He felt distant, but not uncaring, just worn 144 00:09:06.639 --> 00:09:11.840 out shoulders tents. When I suggested, almost impulsively, why don't 145 00:09:11.879 --> 00:09:14.480 I come with you to the mixer next week? Meet 146 00:09:14.559 --> 00:09:18.960 everyone see what this volunteer army looks like, he hesitated. 147 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:23.279 It's really starf only, babe. I'd love to have you there, 148 00:09:23.320 --> 00:09:26.960 but management strict on guests. It's one of those team 149 00:09:27.080 --> 00:09:30.960 bonding things. Half those people don't even want partners hovering. 150 00:09:31.279 --> 00:09:35.200 Trust me, it'd be awkward for everyone. It was a 151 00:09:35.240 --> 00:09:40.360 gentle rebuke, easy to swallow. Still the thought prickled. I 152 00:09:40.480 --> 00:09:43.759 visited Miela again, cornering her in the bakery line after 153 00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:47.919 our Saturday run. She congratulated me on finally getting Paul 154 00:09:47.960 --> 00:09:51.399 into do good a mode, grinning, I tested the waters. 155 00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:56.960 So who's pulling the most weight at Urban Serve these days? Oh, Julia, 156 00:09:57.039 --> 00:10:00.559 for sure, Miela replied instantly. She and Paul are a 157 00:10:00.639 --> 00:10:03.320 riot together. I think she's the only reason the tech 158 00:10:03.360 --> 00:10:07.200 guys stick around past six. Julia's got everyone lining up 159 00:10:07.240 --> 00:10:11.639 for choir practice or whatever. She winked. Honestly, she's great 160 00:10:11.679 --> 00:10:14.559 for keeping the guys on task. If only my team 161 00:10:14.639 --> 00:10:18.879 had won. Nothing she said was off putting. If anything, 162 00:10:19.039 --> 00:10:23.440 it sounded like affectionate office gossip, nothing more. I thanked 163 00:10:23.440 --> 00:10:25.799 her for the tip about the French pastry pop up 164 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:30.600 and left still uneasy. That night, a group email appeared 165 00:10:30.639 --> 00:10:35.279 in my inbox. Gala invitation Urban Serve's autumn benefit. I 166 00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:38.440 scanned quick. My agency was on the sponsor's list, but 167 00:10:38.519 --> 00:10:43.159 there Paul's name VIP donor. It jarred. He never mentioned 168 00:10:43.159 --> 00:10:46.360 a big donor. Roll at home over takeout, I laid 169 00:10:46.360 --> 00:10:49.200 my phone open between us. You didn't tell me you 170 00:10:49.240 --> 00:10:53.360 were a VIP donor for the gala, he frowned, rubbing 171 00:10:53.399 --> 00:10:56.600 his jaw. That's just for show. It's how the committee 172 00:10:56.639 --> 00:11:00.440 caught sponsors. I didn't actually contribute anything big. I just 173 00:11:00.519 --> 00:11:02.879 helped them with some technical set up, and they put 174 00:11:02.919 --> 00:11:06.080 me on the list. Marketing nonsense. Don't read into it, 175 00:11:06.440 --> 00:11:09.600 He squeezed my hand. I should have mentioned it. Sorry, 176 00:11:09.799 --> 00:11:13.840 I was frazzled. He shifted the conversation to my week, 177 00:11:14.240 --> 00:11:17.600 peppered me with questions about a difficult client, then drew 178 00:11:17.639 --> 00:11:20.879 me close on the couch, burying his nose in my hair. 179 00:11:21.960 --> 00:11:25.080 That night in bed, I rolled away after he fell asleep, 180 00:11:25.399 --> 00:11:29.000 staring at shadows along the ceiling, My mind running loops 181 00:11:29.000 --> 00:11:33.120 around little mismatches, a date, a receipt, a stray napkin 182 00:11:33.159 --> 00:11:36.320 with Urban Serve's logo tucked into his genes at laundry. 183 00:11:36.919 --> 00:11:41.120 I reminded myself, he's giving back. Maybe he's finally found 184 00:11:41.120 --> 00:11:45.039 a calling that isn't code or numbers. The following week 185 00:11:45.080 --> 00:11:48.679 delivered rain long conference calls and more after hours at 186 00:11:48.759 --> 00:11:52.879 Urban Serve for Paul. We texted between meetings, sometimes playful, 187 00:11:53.080 --> 00:11:57.000 sometimes merely functional deadlines can you grab oat milk? But 188 00:11:57.080 --> 00:12:01.000 never fractious. Still some charge in our excit changes shifted. 189 00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:03.679 He corrected my calendar when I asked if he be 190 00:12:03.720 --> 00:12:07.840 home for dinner. No, Julia's organizing a strategic review. We 191 00:12:07.960 --> 00:12:11.960 might run late other nights. He was more present, making 192 00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:15.960 a show of mixing negronies in my favorite glass, grilling fish, 193 00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:20.000 hugging me longer than usual before bed. It was in 194 00:12:20.039 --> 00:12:23.639 the little things. A text delayed a mild rebuke when 195 00:12:23.639 --> 00:12:26.000 I bilaid on drinks for a third time because I 196 00:12:26.120 --> 00:12:30.000 was too tired. His gentle teasing you could volunteer too, 197 00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:33.960 you know, Julia said they could use marketers. He poked 198 00:12:33.960 --> 00:12:36.600 me in the ribs. Affectionate, but if I pulled apart 199 00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:41.679 the layers also gently critical. One evening, sorting our joint 200 00:12:41.720 --> 00:12:45.320 credit card bill, a charge jumped out dollar one hundred 201 00:12:45.320 --> 00:12:49.159 and thirty four at Elessa, a pricey neighborhood bistro. The 202 00:12:49.200 --> 00:12:52.600 time stamp was nine twelve p m. Last Thursday, one 203 00:12:52.639 --> 00:12:55.039 of the nights when Paul claimed he'd been locked in 204 00:12:55.080 --> 00:12:59.200 at work. I remembered him coming home after midnight, claiming 205 00:12:59.240 --> 00:13:03.519 the meeting had gone long, hungry and sheepish. I pressed 206 00:13:03.600 --> 00:13:07.919 lightly e lessa, I asked, holding out my phone. He 207 00:13:08.000 --> 00:13:11.639 pretended to squint. Oh, yeah, we had a brainstorm dinner, 208 00:13:11.720 --> 00:13:15.039 all hands on deck. Julia's contact at the place got 209 00:13:15.080 --> 00:13:18.600 us in last minute. Sorry I didn't mention long day. 210 00:13:19.720 --> 00:13:22.600 There was a forced lightness to how he explained. I 211 00:13:22.679 --> 00:13:25.919 let the matter drop, excusing myself to finish an email, 212 00:13:26.440 --> 00:13:29.919 But each little moment a crude weight, not enough for certainty, 213 00:13:30.200 --> 00:13:33.879 but enough to keep me off balance. Suddenly I became 214 00:13:33.960 --> 00:13:36.480 hyper aware of how much time I now spent alone 215 00:13:36.519 --> 00:13:40.279 in our apartment. Our routines were fraying. He was gentle 216 00:13:40.480 --> 00:13:45.360 warm at times, even more affectionate, but unpredictably so, almost 217 00:13:45.360 --> 00:13:49.879 as if performing for an invisible audience. Our conversations turned 218 00:13:49.960 --> 00:13:55.039 transactional checklists instead of laughter. Was it me? Was I 219 00:13:55.080 --> 00:13:58.679 projecting doubts because my own work felt unsatisfying and the 220 00:13:58.679 --> 00:14:03.159 one consistent anchor. Our partnership was changing without my permission. 221 00:14:03.840 --> 00:14:07.240 Sometimes I'd hear my mother's voice in my head. Marriages 222 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:11.879 take effort, don't become suspicious without cause. I tried to relax, 223 00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:16.200 tried to accept the new normal. Until one Friday, after 224 00:14:16.279 --> 00:14:20.240 another volunteer happy hour, Paul came home late, cheeks pink 225 00:14:20.320 --> 00:14:23.240 with exhaustion, hair must I met him in the kitchen 226 00:14:23.279 --> 00:14:27.600 and blurted, half joking, maybe I should start volunteering, spend 227 00:14:27.679 --> 00:14:31.720 more time with you. He paused, then kissed my forehead. 228 00:14:32.159 --> 00:14:36.000 Now you'd hate it, mostly excel wrangling and free sandwiches. 229 00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:39.879 He smiled, but it didn't quite reach the corners of 230 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:43.440 his eyes. I didn't argue, but I watched him more 231 00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:47.480 carefully afterward, cataloging new patterns that might have seemed innocuous 232 00:14:47.519 --> 00:14:51.200 in any other context. A new after shave, sudden bursts 233 00:14:51.200 --> 00:14:54.200 of texting that he'd quickly hide, the quick swipe to 234 00:14:54.279 --> 00:14:57.440 lock whenever I entered the room, and the way he'd 235 00:14:57.440 --> 00:15:01.279 sometimes enter the apartment with his headphones still in lost 236 00:15:01.320 --> 00:15:05.879 in another conversation, only to yank them out guiltily. It 237 00:15:05.960 --> 00:15:09.519 was a cold snap, October's wind curling against our living 238 00:15:09.600 --> 00:15:13.080 room windows. I set out early for a run one Saturday, 239 00:15:13.320 --> 00:15:16.240 clutching the thought that exercise might banish the gnawing in 240 00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:19.720 my chest. Half Way through the park, I re rooted 241 00:15:19.759 --> 00:15:23.200 toward Urban Serv's pop up tent, visible by its banners 242 00:15:23.480 --> 00:15:27.879 volunteers flitting between tables. I scanned for Paul. He wasn't 243 00:15:27.879 --> 00:15:31.799 there and not caught in my stomach as I turned away. 244 00:15:32.840 --> 00:15:36.120 Later that week, I found myself in an unexpected conversation 245 00:15:36.200 --> 00:15:40.000 with Brian, one of Paul's longtime colleagues, at another mutual 246 00:15:40.039 --> 00:15:45.080 friend's rooftop event. Halfway through his IPA, Brian commented, Man, 247 00:15:45.200 --> 00:15:48.200 Paul's really stepped up with Urban Serf. He and Julia 248 00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:51.679 are everywhere. He's even talking about organizing some off site 249 00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:54.440 stuff next quarter. Who knew he even liked that kind 250 00:15:54.480 --> 00:15:58.080 of thing. Brian smirked, They make a pretty solid tea. 251 00:15:59.320 --> 00:16:03.279 I laughed hollily and asked something about the new product launch. 252 00:16:04.279 --> 00:16:07.360 I left the party early, texting Paul good night. He 253 00:16:07.399 --> 00:16:11.320 didn't reply until morning. Sorry, team went late than I 254 00:16:11.399 --> 00:16:16.840 passed out long night. Our date night never reappeared. He claimed, 255 00:16:16.879 --> 00:16:19.960 exhaustion that he wanted to save money, that the team 256 00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:24.600 was crazy, busy prepping for the gala. The following Saturday, 257 00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:28.120 alone at the apartment, I found myself staring at the wall, 258 00:16:28.399 --> 00:16:31.360 missing what we'd had. I sat down at my laptop, 259 00:16:31.399 --> 00:16:35.399 intending to answer agency emails, but found myself spiral searching 260 00:16:35.519 --> 00:16:39.960 Urban Serves public events calendar. I pieced the last month together, 261 00:16:40.320 --> 00:16:43.879 event after event, most of them matching up, though not all. 262 00:16:44.919 --> 00:16:48.840 The staff only mixer he mentioned last Wednesday. The photos, 263 00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:52.279 now live on Urban Serves Instagram showed a crowded bar 264 00:16:52.919 --> 00:16:56.000 Julia with her hand on Paul's arm as he laughed 265 00:16:56.039 --> 00:17:00.679 with another volunteer. I cross referenced their social media posts, 266 00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:04.880 combing through event tags and group shots. Sometimes Paul was 267 00:17:04.920 --> 00:17:08.480 in them, sometimes only Julia, but always there were jokes 268 00:17:08.480 --> 00:17:11.880 in the captions. Last one standing at the after party 269 00:17:12.440 --> 00:17:17.039 midnight mission accomplished see you at Ellessa next week. I 270 00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:21.000 stared at the screen, numb. The evidence, such as it was, 271 00:17:21.039 --> 00:17:24.880 could be benign. Cowork has become friends. Ellessa was a 272 00:17:24.880 --> 00:17:29.319 popular business dinner spot. Still the j red heart missed call, 273 00:17:29.559 --> 00:17:33.960 Julia's comment thread Mealer's off hand remarks, Each one alone 274 00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:37.200 was noise. Together they felt like a melody. My brain 275 00:17:37.279 --> 00:17:41.839 couldn't unhear. I didn't confront him, not yet. I was 276 00:17:41.960 --> 00:17:44.519 terrified of what might happen, what it might mean if 277 00:17:44.519 --> 00:17:47.880 I were wrong. And he wasn't hiding anything, just building 278 00:17:47.880 --> 00:17:49.799 a new part of his life. He didn't know how 279 00:17:49.839 --> 00:17:54.079 to share. Then, on a rainy Tuesday, he came home soaked, 280 00:17:54.359 --> 00:17:57.799 dropping his bag and shucking off his shoes. He collapsed 281 00:17:57.799 --> 00:18:01.839 on the couch, sighing, sorry, babe, I know I've been 282 00:18:02.039 --> 00:18:05.799 m I a next month will be quieter. He must 283 00:18:05.799 --> 00:18:08.319 have seen something in my face, because he offered a 284 00:18:08.359 --> 00:18:12.480 sheepish grin. I promise, I'm not running off. Just want 285 00:18:12.519 --> 00:18:15.240 to finish what I started. You know, it makes me 286 00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:19.079 feel like I'm actually helping. He reached for my hand, 287 00:18:19.279 --> 00:18:23.839 squeezed it. He seemed present, if tired. I forced a smile. 288 00:18:24.279 --> 00:18:28.839 I know I'm glad. He hesitated. Let's take a break soon, 289 00:18:29.240 --> 00:18:31.960 just you and me. Maybe rent a cabin, get out 290 00:18:31.960 --> 00:18:36.880 of the city. I nodded. Hope flared. That weekend, we 291 00:18:36.960 --> 00:18:40.559 went to a friend's art opening. Wandered from painting to painting. 292 00:18:41.079 --> 00:18:45.279 He introduced me to gallery goers, seemed effortless, relaxed. I 293 00:18:45.319 --> 00:18:48.400 tried to enjoy the outing, tried to let myself believe 294 00:18:48.440 --> 00:18:52.640 that maybe things were improving. I felt foolish for having doubted. 295 00:18:53.599 --> 00:18:57.599 But the cycles didn't break. Urban Serve events, endless phone 296 00:18:57.680 --> 00:19:01.640 calls with j Red, jokes about missing a mission, debrief 297 00:19:02.160 --> 00:19:06.240 or our own trivial rituals dissolving into the background. That 298 00:19:06.440 --> 00:19:10.920 Monday evening, after yet another late night, Paul came back, pale, cheeked, 299 00:19:11.160 --> 00:19:14.920 shadows under his eyes. He poured wine in two glasses, 300 00:19:15.160 --> 00:19:19.519 collapsed onto the sofa and exhaled deeply. I know I've 301 00:19:19.559 --> 00:19:23.599 been distant, he said slowly. It's the jobs weighing on me. 302 00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:26.880 I just felt burned out. Wanted something to give my 303 00:19:26.960 --> 00:19:30.839 life a little meaning again. Helping out, volunteering. It's given 304 00:19:30.920 --> 00:19:34.400 me a break, you know. He chewed his lip, gaze 305 00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:37.440 flicking away from mine. Didn't mean to leave you out. 306 00:19:37.799 --> 00:19:41.000 I'll cut back at Urban Serve. Let's go somewhere just us. 307 00:19:41.240 --> 00:19:45.039 I need us again. I wanted badly to believe him. 308 00:19:45.400 --> 00:19:49.440 The confession was so ordinary, so reasonable. I reached for 309 00:19:49.519 --> 00:19:52.480 his hand. He squeezed it. There was a lightness in 310 00:19:52.519 --> 00:19:56.039 his voice I hadn't heard in weeks. We found time 311 00:19:56.119 --> 00:19:58.640 the next weekend for a short getaway just over the 312 00:19:58.640 --> 00:20:02.559 state line, a lake cabin rented off season, all wood paneling, 313 00:20:02.799 --> 00:20:05.920 air tinged with cedar and smoke. We left our work 314 00:20:06.000 --> 00:20:09.400 laptops at home. He was present and affectionate, and that 315 00:20:09.559 --> 00:20:13.200 night we laughed together in bed, clumsy and happy. I 316 00:20:13.279 --> 00:20:17.240 told myself I'd been silly. Marriage waxes and wains. The 317 00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:21.319 world isn't out to get you. Monday, still boyed, we 318 00:20:21.400 --> 00:20:25.440 drove home in silence, fingers entwined. I sang along to 319 00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:28.480 the tin pan Alley playlist we shared, and he held 320 00:20:28.519 --> 00:20:32.400 my hand humming. Back in the city, the wind had stilled. 321 00:20:32.839 --> 00:20:35.400 We came in, dropped our bags, and I stooped to 322 00:20:35.400 --> 00:20:39.599 flip through the mail letters, fliers, and one fat cream envelope. 323 00:20:39.880 --> 00:20:42.599 A hand written card addressed to Paul and Urban Serve 324 00:20:42.680 --> 00:20:46.039 super Team. There sprawling over the inside of the card 325 00:20:46.359 --> 00:20:49.720 in looping script, thank you for all our covert operations, 326 00:20:50.240 --> 00:20:54.720 and below Julia's name, underscored with a smiley face. A 327 00:20:54.799 --> 00:20:58.200 fresh tremor scrambled my chest. He was coming up the 328 00:20:58.240 --> 00:21:02.319 steps with my duffel. Who's it from? He asked, lightly, 329 00:21:03.279 --> 00:21:07.920 am the Urban Serve Committee looks nice? He nodded, whisked 330 00:21:07.920 --> 00:21:11.119 the card away to the kitchen counter, stacking it beneath 331 00:21:11.119 --> 00:21:13.839 a pile of coupons before flipping on the t V. 332 00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:18.720 That night, I scrolled Instagram again. Julia had posted a 333 00:21:18.720 --> 00:21:23.160 boomerang cheersing a glass with several others, Paul's sleeve visible 334 00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:27.000 in the corner. The time matched up to last Thursday evening, 335 00:21:27.240 --> 00:21:30.480 when he'd claimed to be pulling database records late at 336 00:21:30.519 --> 00:21:34.880 the office. Alone, I shut off the phone, nausea swirling. 337 00:21:35.839 --> 00:21:39.200 The following days were an unbearable waiting game, the world 338 00:21:39.200 --> 00:21:42.799 around me frozen between denial and the knowledge that everything 339 00:21:42.880 --> 00:21:47.519 was about to shift. At work, my concentration shredded. I 340 00:21:47.559 --> 00:21:51.279 watched our agency's social feed escalate with Urban Serv's promotion 341 00:21:51.440 --> 00:21:54.720 for their upcoming events, each one peppered with snaps of 342 00:21:54.799 --> 00:21:59.440 Julia and Paul, always overlapping, always looking closer than necessary. 343 00:22:00.519 --> 00:22:03.920 I resolved I needed the truth. I couldn't simply let 344 00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:07.400 this dragon swallowing every new lie, living in the shell 345 00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:10.960 of routine as if nothing had changed. If I was wrong, 346 00:22:11.160 --> 00:22:14.200 at least i'd know. If I was right, well, I 347 00:22:14.240 --> 00:22:16.440 didn't know what would happen, but at least I wouldn't 348 00:22:16.440 --> 00:22:20.039 be haunted by half seen evidence. Any longer. So I 349 00:22:20.119 --> 00:22:23.079 called my firm's h R manager and asked if we 350 00:22:23.119 --> 00:22:25.839 could sponsor a table at the next urban serve event. 351 00:22:26.480 --> 00:22:29.519 I played coy about the reason, suggested it had look 352 00:22:29.559 --> 00:22:32.000 good for us to have a philanthropic footprint in the 353 00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:35.240 local scene. It was arranged in a matter of hours. 354 00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:38.880 I got the tickets, kept my plans secret from Paul, 355 00:22:39.240 --> 00:22:43.240 and steeled myself for what I might find that Friday. 356 00:22:43.440 --> 00:22:47.079 Nerves humming, I pressed my black dress, texted Paul that 357 00:22:47.160 --> 00:22:50.640 I had agency obligations and would see him at home afterward. 358 00:22:51.079 --> 00:22:53.680 He answered with a thumbs up emoji and a joke 359 00:22:53.720 --> 00:22:58.400 about not volunteering to bartend this time. I told myself 360 00:22:58.440 --> 00:23:02.200 not to read into the punctuation. Arriving at the gala, 361 00:23:02.440 --> 00:23:05.559 the venue already buzzing. I checked in at the sponsored table. 362 00:23:06.000 --> 00:23:09.240 The lighting was low, votives lined the tables, and a 363 00:23:09.319 --> 00:23:12.480 jazz trio crooned from a makeshift stage near the far wall. 364 00:23:13.200 --> 00:23:16.640 I scanned the crowd, seeking his tall frame, found him 365 00:23:16.680 --> 00:23:19.480 near the silent auction table. He was laughing with a 366 00:23:19.480 --> 00:23:22.759 circle of colleagues and there standing close enough to share 367 00:23:22.759 --> 00:23:25.799 a perfume trail. If the room hadn't already smelled of wine. 368 00:23:26.079 --> 00:23:30.799 Was Julia I hung near the periphery watching. If you 369 00:23:30.839 --> 00:23:34.440 didn't know them, maybe it had seem innocuous. Colleagues relaxed 370 00:23:34.440 --> 00:23:37.400 after a busy work season, heads bent in laughter over 371 00:23:37.440 --> 00:23:41.039 a joke. But there were things subtle, things the way 372 00:23:41.160 --> 00:23:44.000 Julia's hand lingered half a beat too long on Paul's 373 00:23:44.039 --> 00:23:47.799 upper arm during a story. The inside jokes, they traded 374 00:23:48.119 --> 00:23:50.440 Julia's casual pat to the back of his neck as 375 00:23:50.440 --> 00:23:54.599 they posed for a photo. Their laughter quick private practiced. 376 00:23:55.680 --> 00:23:59.839 At points, they whispered together, faces close. Paul's body angled 377 00:23:59.880 --> 00:24:04.559 up unconsciously toward her, legs crossed in her direction. They 378 00:24:04.599 --> 00:24:07.039 weren't alone, but they might as well have been in 379 00:24:07.119 --> 00:24:10.799 their own orbit. As I approached the open bar, an 380 00:24:10.839 --> 00:24:15.359 older man, mustached, pressed suit sidled up and introduced himself 381 00:24:15.440 --> 00:24:19.039 as Martin. He was a retired partner at Paul's company, 382 00:24:19.319 --> 00:24:23.559 volunteering his time, buoyant with two glasses too many. When 383 00:24:23.559 --> 00:24:28.799 I mentioned my agency's involvement, he brightened. Oh, Paul and Julia, 384 00:24:29.119 --> 00:24:32.160 those two have single handedly kept this thing afloat. What 385 00:24:32.279 --> 00:24:35.200 a pair, eh, I haven't seen energy like that since 386 00:24:35.240 --> 00:24:39.160 the old days. Got the whole team moving again. Julia's 387 00:24:39.160 --> 00:24:41.799 been a godsend for him after all those late nights. 388 00:24:42.200 --> 00:24:46.440 They joke about being the dynamic duo. Good people. I 389 00:24:46.559 --> 00:24:49.880 plastered on a smile, thanked him, turned away to hide 390 00:24:49.880 --> 00:24:54.640 my face. I couldn't keep pretending it was nothing. For 391 00:24:54.680 --> 00:24:58.119 the next hour, I slipped unnoticed through the crowd, shadowing 392 00:24:58.160 --> 00:25:01.440 their interactions. Foone held loosely in my hand as I 393 00:25:01.480 --> 00:25:06.000 opened Julia's Instagram again. Her most recent photo a toast 394 00:25:06.119 --> 00:25:09.920 under fairy lights, location tagged at e lessa time stamped 395 00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:14.440 last night. Paul right beside her, both laughing wine glasses 396 00:25:14.480 --> 00:25:17.559 mid air last night he told me he was in 397 00:25:17.599 --> 00:25:22.319 a system's review till midnight Alone, I ducked outside for 398 00:25:22.400 --> 00:25:25.720 fresh air, pulse thrumbing in my throat. I called Miela 399 00:25:25.880 --> 00:25:28.119 just to ground myself, to ask if she'd seen Paul 400 00:25:28.200 --> 00:25:32.079 recently outside of work. She was tipsy. Candid saw him 401 00:25:32.119 --> 00:25:35.319