WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.879 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.440 I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.439 demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty. 4 00:00:09.439 --> 00:00:11.320 You know doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 5 00:00:11.359 --> 00:00:13.640 Doctor Wendy Wall Show, and I am taking your calls 6 00:00:13.679 --> 00:00:17.800 and answering your social media questions. Reminder, I'm a psychology professor, 7 00:00:17.960 --> 00:00:20.800 not a therapist, but I've written three books on relationships 8 00:00:20.800 --> 00:00:23.399 and I'm obsessed with the science of love. If you'd 9 00:00:23.440 --> 00:00:24.719 like to give me a call, the number is one 10 00:00:24.760 --> 00:00:29.640 eight hundred and five two zero one KFI. Okay, Producer Kayla, 11 00:00:29.679 --> 00:00:31.760 who do we get? We have Paul with the question. 12 00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:40.039 Hi Paul, It's doctor Wendy Paul. Are you there? Hello, Hidy, Yes, 13 00:00:40.200 --> 00:00:41.079 do you have a question? Hi? 14 00:00:41.479 --> 00:00:43.960 Hi, I can here. I turned down my radio, but 15 00:00:45.119 --> 00:00:45.679 I got. 16 00:00:45.520 --> 00:00:47.240 You now good. What's your question? 17 00:00:49.560 --> 00:00:53.039 Well, my question kind of reflects upon the last caller 18 00:00:53.079 --> 00:00:55.840 and the caller before. I think it was Mike that 19 00:00:56.240 --> 00:00:59.240 said he was in love with still in love with 20 00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:04.040 this twenty year old the ex wife I personally was 21 00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:07.560 married for twenty years, exactly twenty years. We decided to 22 00:01:07.560 --> 00:01:10.280 get divorced pretty much when the kids got old enough. 23 00:01:10.319 --> 00:01:16.760 And we we're divorced for over ten almost ten years, 24 00:01:17.120 --> 00:01:19.560 you know, off and on, you know, we saw each 25 00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:22.640 other off and on. We couldn't we were inseparable. We 26 00:01:22.680 --> 00:01:25.599 thought we were going to get back together. Well, we 27 00:01:25.719 --> 00:01:29.799 ended up getting married again. And this was this was 28 00:01:29.840 --> 00:01:34.959 four years ago. It was it was beautiful. I mean, 29 00:01:35.040 --> 00:01:39.799 we ended up, but things were way different now, That's 30 00:01:39.799 --> 00:01:40.560 what I was going to say. 31 00:01:40.599 --> 00:01:44.799 I bet it's a different relationship, right, It's. 32 00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:52.480 Way different now. The I'm I'm diabetic now and I'm 33 00:01:52.519 --> 00:01:56.319 pretty much blessed with everything that a diabetic has and 34 00:01:56.319 --> 00:01:59.560 that I'm possibly going to be losing my foot here 35 00:01:59.719 --> 00:02:05.079 and couple months, oh dear, I but my life is 36 00:02:05.120 --> 00:02:09.960 going to change, and it's causing me, causing anger, causing 37 00:02:11.159 --> 00:02:15.560 resentment towards my wife because of the things that we 38 00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:20.680 do together. We're very outdoorsy, very very we I mean, 39 00:02:20.719 --> 00:02:23.039 we have a boat, we have already, We do stuff 40 00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:27.039 outside all the time. And now that pretty much put 41 00:02:27.080 --> 00:02:29.400 the hall to everything for at least a year. And 42 00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:33.560 I am just you know, trying to get through this, 43 00:02:33.800 --> 00:02:36.599 and it's causing a lot of rift in our marriage. 44 00:02:36.759 --> 00:02:41.159 And earlier I was talking about relationship transitions, right. I 45 00:02:41.159 --> 00:02:43.599 don't know if you heard. And this is when I 46 00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:45.919 want to address two things Paul. First of all, thank 47 00:02:45.919 --> 00:02:49.919 you for being so candid and sharing your situation with us. 48 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:53.960 I want to make sure that everybody knows when we 49 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:56.520 listened to the previous caller, Mike, who said, you know, 50 00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:59.199 he'd been in this relationship that was abusive for twenty 51 00:02:59.280 --> 00:03:00.800 years and why does he still miss her? And then 52 00:03:00.840 --> 00:03:02.759 you said, you guys were married twenty years and then 53 00:03:02.759 --> 00:03:04.520 you got divorced, and then on and off for ten years, 54 00:03:04.520 --> 00:03:06.599 and then you got married again to each other four 55 00:03:06.680 --> 00:03:11.159 years later. The most common length of marriage where divorce 56 00:03:11.280 --> 00:03:13.879 is the highest is about around twenty years, when the 57 00:03:13.919 --> 00:03:17.000 empty nest happens, right, and then they haven't repurposed their relationship. 58 00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:21.800 And so I want to remind you that you probably 59 00:03:21.879 --> 00:03:25.680 divorce not only because of the kids getting older and 60 00:03:25.719 --> 00:03:29.240 leaving the house, but also because sometimes relationships become so 61 00:03:29.639 --> 00:03:32.840 ingrown and meshed, and in order for people to grow 62 00:03:32.879 --> 00:03:35.159 as an individual, they feel they have to separate to 63 00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:38.280 do it. Now, you guys are at the stage where 64 00:03:38.280 --> 00:03:42.039 you're pretting presented with a challenge, which is you finally 65 00:03:42.080 --> 00:03:45.280 got your groove back, you got remarried to each other, 66 00:03:45.719 --> 00:03:49.240 you were able to communicate I hope your needs and 67 00:03:49.400 --> 00:03:52.479 able to establish a new kind of relationship that you describe. 68 00:03:52.800 --> 00:03:56.439 And now your relationship is about to hit a big 69 00:03:56.639 --> 00:04:01.360 vulnerable point a transition, and I would suggest again getting 70 00:04:01.479 --> 00:04:03.400 into the hands of a good therapist so that you 71 00:04:03.400 --> 00:04:08.039 can have a co pilot navigating this transition, because the 72 00:04:08.159 --> 00:04:12.080 relationship contract is going to have to be rewritten yet again, 73 00:04:12.639 --> 00:04:16.319 and you're obviously having an emotional experience as well as 74 00:04:16.360 --> 00:04:19.360 your physical health experience, right, and she's going to have 75 00:04:19.399 --> 00:04:22.439 a reaction to it. And sometimes having a neutral party 76 00:04:22.800 --> 00:04:25.720 helping you make sense of all the chaotic feelings that 77 00:04:25.800 --> 00:04:30.040 come up when an unplanned for transition like this happens 78 00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:33.160 is the thing to do. So, Paul, I wish you 79 00:04:33.240 --> 00:04:36.279 the best. I wish you guys continue to love and 80 00:04:36.319 --> 00:04:39.720 support of each other. I personally think if you can 81 00:04:39.720 --> 00:04:42.439 get through divorce and then getting back together, that this 82 00:04:42.480 --> 00:04:44.480 is a piece of cake and you're going to be 83 00:04:44.480 --> 00:04:48.079 able to get there. But thanks for calling, Paul. All right, 84 00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:52.519 let me move to social media. Dear doctor Wendy, I 85 00:04:52.680 --> 00:04:55.720 get the ick because I have a guy that will 86 00:04:55.720 --> 00:04:58.399 not use a condom, he complains when I try to 87 00:04:58.399 --> 00:05:01.360 get him to use one. I feel he doesn't respect 88 00:05:01.399 --> 00:05:03.680 me because he ignores my request. Should this be a 89 00:05:03.720 --> 00:05:07.639 deal breaker. I don't even have to think on this one. Yes, 90 00:05:08.560 --> 00:05:13.000 that's a deal breaker. Your needs are being ignored. Your 91 00:05:13.079 --> 00:05:16.879 body is being put in peril. No, I'm telling you 92 00:05:16.920 --> 00:05:19.439 one hundred percent. That's the easiest test to find out 93 00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:21.759 if somebody would be a good mate to say, hey, 94 00:05:21.759 --> 00:05:24.079 put a condom on. If he says no, oh, then 95 00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:27.600 you're not gonna walk the baby a stroller. Dad, I 96 00:05:27.600 --> 00:05:31.040 don't know. You don't respect my needs. Forget it, get 97 00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:33.879 rid of them. Pay attention to that ick, she said, 98 00:05:33.920 --> 00:05:36.199 I got the ick. Yeah, you get the ick. Because 99 00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:38.639 it's time to say goodbye to him. That's a deal breaker. 100 00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:41.079 I don't care how cute he is. I don't care 101 00:05:41.079 --> 00:05:43.199 how much money he makes. I hear you right now. Yeah, 102 00:05:43.240 --> 00:05:46.519 but but he does this, I don't care. This is 103 00:05:46.560 --> 00:05:49.839 a life and death decision. He could bring any number 104 00:05:49.879 --> 00:05:52.040 of germs into your body to hurt you. He could 105 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:55.240 bring an unwanted child into your body. Just don't know. Goodbye, 106 00:05:55.279 --> 00:05:59.360 deal Baker, all right, dear doctor, Wendy. I have a 107 00:05:59.399 --> 00:06:02.879 best friend since I was six years old who recently 108 00:06:02.920 --> 00:06:05.920 got divorced. It's a very tough time for her. My 109 00:06:06.079 --> 00:06:09.519 husband told me that she has been ooh flirty and 110 00:06:09.600 --> 00:06:13.040 suggestive with him. He wouldn't lie to me. I feel 111 00:06:13.079 --> 00:06:15.519 really angry with her. What's the best way to handle 112 00:06:15.560 --> 00:06:18.360 the situation? Okay, let me tell you what's happening. This 113 00:06:18.439 --> 00:06:21.600 is so common. So what happens when people go through divorce? First, 114 00:06:21.720 --> 00:06:24.560 I want to remind you that divorce is highly contagious 115 00:06:24.600 --> 00:06:27.560 within social circles, as marriage is too. By the way, 116 00:06:27.680 --> 00:06:30.040 I always say, if you're dating, always ask the person 117 00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:32.560 you're dating, like how many of their friends have gotten 118 00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:35.720 married recently or are engaged? Right, Because it's very contagious. 119 00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:41.560 Divorce is also contagious. So, but when people first go 120 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:43.560 through a breakup or divorce, they want to get their 121 00:06:43.560 --> 00:06:47.680 mojo back. They want to basically determine what their value 122 00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:51.399 is in the mating marketplace, so they're going to naturally 123 00:06:51.439 --> 00:06:55.920 be a little flirty. They're testing boundaries, etc. Now, you 124 00:06:56.040 --> 00:06:58.839 don't do it with your best friend's husband. You and 125 00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:02.240 I both know this is a moral dilemma here, and 126 00:07:02.319 --> 00:07:05.839 you're really feeling angry. You have to tell her your feelings. 127 00:07:05.879 --> 00:07:08.120 Now she's gonna deny. I don't know. My husband said 128 00:07:08.120 --> 00:07:10.160 that it's not even true. I wasn't even dressed at 129 00:07:10.160 --> 00:07:12.319 sexy and I would just be nice to him. She's 130 00:07:12.360 --> 00:07:15.560 going to get defensive. So in order to prevent her 131 00:07:15.560 --> 00:07:18.680 from getting defensive, here's what you're going to First of all, 132 00:07:19.040 --> 00:07:21.560 you need to have seen something, because when you report 133 00:07:21.639 --> 00:07:25.560 back on gossip it's really hard. My husband said, you 134 00:07:25.680 --> 00:07:29.000 need to actually witness something and then say later, Hey, 135 00:07:29.800 --> 00:07:32.000 you know when we were all over at my place 136 00:07:32.040 --> 00:07:34.000 and I noticed you put your hand on his arm 137 00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:36.480 a little bit when you were talking, I didn't like that. 138 00:07:36.959 --> 00:07:40.759 Stayed on your feelings and what you witnessed. Just stay 139 00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:43.879 with what you see, what you hear her doing, what 140 00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:48.879 you can observe, and then talk about your feelings about it. 141 00:07:49.360 --> 00:07:52.040 That made me feel uncomfortable. I'd like you to stop 142 00:07:52.079 --> 00:07:54.680 doing that. That's all you do. Talk about what you 143 00:07:54.720 --> 00:07:58.439 saw or heard from hersey whatever, and then talk about 144 00:07:58.480 --> 00:08:00.439 how it fell to you, and then give her the 145 00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:03.720 new prescription. That's how you let people know that they 146 00:08:03.800 --> 00:08:06.160 pissed you off. All right, I think we have time? 147 00:08:06.240 --> 00:08:09.879 Do we have time for one more. Yes, okay, hey, 148 00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:14.759 doctor Wendy. Oh interesting. I wear wigs all the time, 149 00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:17.720 and no one but me sees my real hair. A 150 00:08:17.800 --> 00:08:20.519 fellow I am dating requested I take it off on 151 00:08:20.519 --> 00:08:23.240 one of our sleepovers. I feel he won't like me 152 00:08:23.399 --> 00:08:26.600 anymore if he sees me without it. He thinks I'm 153 00:08:26.600 --> 00:08:29.000 not comfortable with him if I don't show him my hair. 154 00:08:29.639 --> 00:08:32.759 Who is in the wrong. You're both in the wrong 155 00:08:32.759 --> 00:08:35.480 because you're having sleepovers before you have trust and intimacy. 156 00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:39.480 That's what I'm gonna say. Okay, like, that's a lot. 157 00:08:39.679 --> 00:08:44.799 You're going to expose most of your body, but not all. 158 00:08:45.279 --> 00:08:47.440 There's gonna be like pick and shoes here on which 159 00:08:47.480 --> 00:08:51.519 body parts get to show up in bed. So there, 160 00:08:51.559 --> 00:08:56.080 you're wrong, But he's also wrong for I mean, he's right, 161 00:08:56.120 --> 00:08:59.279 and you're right. You have a right to protect yourself. 162 00:08:59.679 --> 00:09:03.679 But you moved way too fast towards physical intimacy without 163 00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:10.080 being ready to be fully physically intimate. Right. I remember 164 00:09:10.080 --> 00:09:14.440 one time, Okay we'll go unnamed, but one person said 165 00:09:14.440 --> 00:09:16.679 to me before we had sex for the first time, 166 00:09:16.679 --> 00:09:19.919 we had been dating a little bit, and I thought 167 00:09:20.159 --> 00:09:22.600 he was going to he was so serious. He said, 168 00:09:22.639 --> 00:09:26.399 there's something you have to know before we before we 169 00:09:26.440 --> 00:09:29.399 have sex. I'm just so embarrassed about this. But you know, 170 00:09:29.399 --> 00:09:31.000 if we're going to be intimate, I think she'd know 171 00:09:31.120 --> 00:09:33.240 everything about my body. And I'm like, oh, on on, 172 00:09:33.559 --> 00:09:36.279 he's got three of them. Is what is happening here? 173 00:09:36.759 --> 00:09:39.600 What is it is happening? And so I take it 174 00:09:39.679 --> 00:09:41.799 very seriously. I say yes, what is it? And he goes, well, 175 00:09:42.840 --> 00:09:46.200 I was hiking recently and a lot of downhill and 176 00:09:46.360 --> 00:09:51.159 my hiking boots I lost a toe, now, swear to God, 177 00:09:51.600 --> 00:09:54.759 to him that was like he'd lost every hair on 178 00:09:54.799 --> 00:09:57.679 his body or something. And I was like, so, like, 179 00:09:58.399 --> 00:10:02.039 I probably won't be sucking toes. I don't know, Like, 180 00:10:02.279 --> 00:10:05.320 I don't why, who cares? Right? But it was a 181 00:10:05.320 --> 00:10:07.759 big deal to him. So I had to ask act 182 00:10:07.919 --> 00:10:12.559 really respectful. Right, So I think you need to say 183 00:10:12.559 --> 00:10:17.080 to him, when I feel safer, I'll be able to 184 00:10:17.120 --> 00:10:20.600 do this for now, Let's not be physically intimate until 185 00:10:20.600 --> 00:10:23.919 we get to that place emotionally, right. It's perfectly okay 186 00:10:23.960 --> 00:10:25.840 to do that, all right? So do I have time 187 00:10:25.879 --> 00:10:29.879 for one more? Are we going to the quickly? Okay? 188 00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:31.879 Dear doctor Wendy, I'm dating for the first time in 189 00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:36.159 almost a year. Congratulation. I was avoidant because relationships make 190 00:10:36.240 --> 00:10:40.000 me anxious. How can I help myself not overanalyze every 191 00:10:40.039 --> 00:10:43.120 single thing? Yeah, over it's the word over analyze. We're 192 00:10:43.120 --> 00:10:45.840 supposed to be analyzing, but just don't over analyze. I 193 00:10:45.879 --> 00:10:48.480 hope you're not over analyzing yourself. You should be just 194 00:10:48.519 --> 00:10:52.840 assessing the other partner and relaxing and having good time. Look, 195 00:10:52.879 --> 00:10:56.600 if you suffer from social anxiety and you have problems 196 00:10:56.639 --> 00:11:00.080 presenting yourself in intimate situations, this is something that's so 197 00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:03.960 highly treatable in therapy, So I would get yourself a wingman. 198 00:11:04.320 --> 00:11:05.639 Not sure your therapist is going to go on a 199 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:07.639 date with you, but you know somebody who can talk 200 00:11:07.679 --> 00:11:11.639 to about strategies for this because they are easily easy 201 00:11:11.679 --> 00:11:15.000 to overcome. But I'm glad you're out there. That's wonderful. Hey, 202 00:11:15.080 --> 00:11:18.320 when we come back, it is spring, a very exciting 203 00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:21.600 time of year. But there's something interesting that happens in 204 00:11:21.639 --> 00:11:27.759 relationships only, not only mostly in the springtime. I'll tell 205 00:11:27.759 --> 00:11:29.120 you about it when we come back. You're listening to 206 00:11:29.159 --> 00:11:32.440 Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live 207 00:11:32.600 --> 00:11:34.519 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 208 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:39.200 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 209 00:11:39.440 --> 00:11:40.360 AM six forty. 210 00:11:40.720 --> 00:11:43.320 Welcome back to the Dr Wendywall Show on KFI AM 211 00:11:43.360 --> 00:11:47.000 six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know 212 00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:50.879 spring is about growth, isn't It isn't about new beginnings, 213 00:11:51.120 --> 00:11:54.279 isn't about new life and all that. Why is it 214 00:11:54.399 --> 00:11:59.159 the season with the most breakups? Well, there have been 215 00:11:59.279 --> 00:12:04.960 many studies that point to this, especially Facebook's own relationship 216 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:09.799 status data. Did you know Facebook now can track relationship 217 00:12:09.840 --> 00:12:12.519 trends because they see when people put like in a relationship, 218 00:12:12.559 --> 00:12:17.080 out of relationship, single again, whatever. Apparently there are two 219 00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:20.600 major spikes during the year when there are lots of breakups. 220 00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:24.120 You're going to be surprised about one. It's two weeks 221 00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:27.639 before Christmas. In a couple weeks before Christmas, it's almost 222 00:12:27.679 --> 00:12:29.879 like people are like, I am not going through the 223 00:12:29.919 --> 00:12:32.639 holidays with you, or if it's a young relationship, like 224 00:12:32.679 --> 00:12:34.720 they haven't been seeing each other. It's like I don't 225 00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:36.360 want to bring it home to the family. It's not 226 00:12:36.399 --> 00:12:39.960 going to happen. So mid December that's when we see 227 00:12:39.960 --> 00:12:43.559 people changing their relationship status a lot on Facebook, and 228 00:12:43.600 --> 00:12:50.000 the other time is April springtime. I can't believe that 229 00:12:50.120 --> 00:12:54.399 breakups bloom in spring more than any other time. So 230 00:12:54.480 --> 00:12:55.879 let's talk about why. 231 00:12:56.720 --> 00:12:57.080 All right. 232 00:12:57.159 --> 00:13:00.240 First of all, cuffing season is finally over, or if 233 00:13:00.279 --> 00:13:02.480 you don't know, what cuffing season is, is the dark 234 00:13:02.559 --> 00:13:07.600 days of winter beginning in November before Thanksgiving, where people 235 00:13:07.600 --> 00:13:10.879 think it's time to hunker down and cocoon for those 236 00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:15.519 dark days. I'm gonna get somebody, right, so no one 237 00:13:15.559 --> 00:13:19.120 wants to be alone at their maybe Christmas office party. 238 00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:22.720 They don't want to have questions from those old aunties 239 00:13:22.840 --> 00:13:26.120 at their holiday parties saying why aren't you married? Don't 240 00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:28.399 you have somebody? So they cuffed down, right, They just 241 00:13:29.159 --> 00:13:31.399 they literally ignore a bunch of red flags and go, 242 00:13:31.399 --> 00:13:33.519 I'm gonna take this person for the holidays. It's gonna 243 00:13:33.519 --> 00:13:37.039 be fine. Well spring happens and cuffing season is over. 244 00:13:37.399 --> 00:13:39.679 Then they look at that person, I'm like, how did 245 00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:45.279 I ignore all those red flags? That's one reason. Another reason, 246 00:13:46.519 --> 00:13:49.720 now we're past Valentine's Day, there's something called the post 247 00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:54.600 Valentine's Day effect, or as I like to call it, 248 00:13:55.159 --> 00:13:59.519 Singles Awareness Day. As soon as you hit the middle 249 00:13:59.519 --> 00:14:04.159 of February, people realize how unhappy they might be in 250 00:14:04.200 --> 00:14:06.960 their relationship, that everybody else seems to be having the 251 00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:11.159 most romantic time and they're not so. But by March 252 00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:13.519 people are starting to act on these ideas right and 253 00:14:13.559 --> 00:14:17.000 into April. But the other thing is I think having 254 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:19.559 to do with the fact that we just get outside. 255 00:14:19.840 --> 00:14:23.639 You know, we've been hibernating, We've had all our Netflix marathons, 256 00:14:24.039 --> 00:14:28.200 we're at outdoor gatherings, vacations, and we're meeting new people. 257 00:14:28.840 --> 00:14:33.799 The world feels expansive, our mating marketplace feels bigger. So 258 00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:36.240 we look around and go, should I put up with 259 00:14:36.279 --> 00:14:39.039 this person? Because look at all this opportunity out in 260 00:14:39.080 --> 00:14:43.559 the bright sunshine. And speaking of that, we clean house 261 00:14:44.200 --> 00:14:49.039 right spring. Cleaning is not only something we do because 262 00:14:49.080 --> 00:14:50.759 it's time to do it in our house, and if 263 00:14:50.759 --> 00:14:52.480 you haven't cleaned your house, this is the time. Clean 264 00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:54.960 out those closets the garage too. This is the season. 265 00:14:56.440 --> 00:15:01.360 But it's a metaphor because when we exp eternally organized, 266 00:15:01.919 --> 00:15:07.080 it's a bid for us to internally organize. So you'll 267 00:15:07.080 --> 00:15:10.559 see people like cleaning like crazy because they're really trying 268 00:15:10.559 --> 00:15:14.039 to clean up inside. They're going to declutter their emotional lives, right, 269 00:15:14.440 --> 00:15:18.480 and maybe ask themselves, is this relationship helping me? Is 270 00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:22.120 it helping me grow? Do I feel seen? Do I 271 00:15:22.159 --> 00:15:26.759 feel connected? The other thing that happens in spring, I 272 00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:30.279 know with me, temperatures start to rise, we start to 273 00:15:30.320 --> 00:15:34.399 wear less clothes, which means we suddenly become very conscious 274 00:15:34.480 --> 00:15:37.559 of our bodies. And so people start to eat less, 275 00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:40.480 they move more. They're getting in shape for bikini season. 276 00:15:40.799 --> 00:15:46.080 When you start to get in shape, that increases your hormones. Yeah, 277 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:49.480 those sexy hormones. But it also I mean, what is 278 00:15:49.480 --> 00:15:52.600 getting in shape? It's getting yourself ready for the mating marketplace. Right. 279 00:15:54.559 --> 00:15:57.759 I also, because I am someone who suffers from seasonal 280 00:15:57.799 --> 00:16:01.840 effective disorder, know that when the spring comes, my mood lifts. 281 00:16:02.000 --> 00:16:07.720 I feel so happy. People who do suffer from depression 282 00:16:07.720 --> 00:16:11.159 and anxiety around the darker days of the year feel 283 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:14.399 themselves uplifted. Now, how does that cause a breakup? Because 284 00:16:14.600 --> 00:16:17.600 you look at your curmudgeon partner and you're like, you 285 00:16:17.600 --> 00:16:20.960 know what, they know, I'm not hanging out with that. 286 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:26.279 I'm happy now. And also, some people just want to 287 00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:28.720 be single for the summer, especially young people. It's like 288 00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:31.360 I'm going to be traveling, and if they're in maybe 289 00:16:31.360 --> 00:16:34.440 they've got a college boyfriend or girlfriend and they're going 290 00:16:34.480 --> 00:16:36.360 home for the summer to work. They're like, I don't 291 00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:39.840 want to be tied down, right, So, yes, spring is 292 00:16:39.919 --> 00:16:42.440 breakup season. But I would not be doing my job 293 00:16:42.720 --> 00:16:47.120 if I did not say that. There's a psychological mechanism 294 00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:49.120 that I haven't talked about. I talk about a lot 295 00:16:49.159 --> 00:16:52.919 which is attachment theory. Right, So people who might have 296 00:16:52.960 --> 00:16:58.000 a secure, anxious, avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment style, let's 297 00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:00.200 see how spring plays into that. Well, somebody who was 298 00:17:00.240 --> 00:17:05.839 emotionally avoidant values autonomy and personal space, and so in 299 00:17:05.920 --> 00:17:11.240 spring ah feeling of new growth, reinvention, desire for independence. 300 00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:14.559 People might feel suffocated after the winter, hunkering down in 301 00:17:14.599 --> 00:17:18.880 cuffing season. Now, people with an anxious attachment actually probably 302 00:17:18.920 --> 00:17:21.839 sense their partner, if their partner is avoidant moving away, 303 00:17:22.200 --> 00:17:26.640 they crave closeness, They fear abandonment. So the social buzz 304 00:17:26.680 --> 00:17:31.240 that happens around spring might trigger fears of being left behind, 305 00:17:31.759 --> 00:17:35.359 and this makes the clingy partner more clingy, and that 306 00:17:35.480 --> 00:17:40.759 pushes the partner away. And you know, people with a 307 00:17:40.799 --> 00:17:43.559 secure attachment style Let's assume they don't break up, But 308 00:17:43.599 --> 00:17:46.680 if they do, they're only going to break up if 309 00:17:46.720 --> 00:17:50.079 the relationship clearly doesn't align with their values or their 310 00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:53.880 new growth. So attachment plays a role into it all 311 00:17:53.920 --> 00:17:59.400 the time as well. If you've ever been blindsided by 312 00:17:59.400 --> 00:18:03.839 a breakup, I mean it's rare that two people come together, 313 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:06.359 have a meeting and say, you know what, No you 314 00:18:06.400 --> 00:18:08.559 go first? No, no, you go first. Well, I was 315 00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:11.640 thinking maybe we should break up. Oh, I was thinking 316 00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:16.880 just the same thing. Never happens except in the movies. Instead, 317 00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:21.960 there's one person who's been on a slow burn getting 318 00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:26.319 ready for the breakup, and the other partners completely oblivious. 319 00:18:27.039 --> 00:18:30.839 Uh huh. There's actually new research that looks at the 320 00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:35.039 science of falling out of love, or as I like 321 00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:39.680 to say, when that window closes. Let me talk about 322 00:18:39.839 --> 00:18:42.599 how this works and this new study. When we come back. 323 00:18:42.920 --> 00:18:44.920 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on 324 00:18:45.039 --> 00:18:48.799 KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 325 00:18:49.400 --> 00:18:53.599 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 326 00:18:53.799 --> 00:18:54.720 AM six forty. 327 00:18:54.920 --> 00:18:57.480 Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy 328 00:18:57.519 --> 00:19:00.519 Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live wear on 329 00:19:00.599 --> 00:19:04.720 the iHeartRadio app. You know, breakup's hurt. I've talked about 330 00:19:04.759 --> 00:19:06.319 breakers for a lot. I've talked about how to get 331 00:19:06.319 --> 00:19:10.079 over breakups, what we need to do. But there's a 332 00:19:10.119 --> 00:19:13.599 group of researchers who just published a study in the 333 00:19:13.720 --> 00:19:18.640 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that found that when 334 00:19:18.680 --> 00:19:25.960 relationships fall apart, they don't just randomly deteriorate. They actually 335 00:19:26.119 --> 00:19:31.440 follow a two phase decline. Oh no, you're not. You're 336 00:19:31.440 --> 00:19:33.799 gonna look at your partner totally differently after I explain 337 00:19:33.880 --> 00:19:38.200 the two phase decline. Look, plenty of people stay in 338 00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:43.000 relationships that aren't so happy anymore, and they do it 339 00:19:43.400 --> 00:19:46.079 because they're in love with hope and they just hope 340 00:19:46.400 --> 00:19:50.640 that things are gonna get better. But this new study 341 00:19:51.240 --> 00:19:55.400 indicates that for at least one partner, there's a point 342 00:19:55.680 --> 00:20:00.480 of no return. They call this a transition. I love 343 00:20:00.599 --> 00:20:06.680 how the psychobabble of researchers a transition into terminal decline. 344 00:20:07.640 --> 00:20:10.640 We're saving the relationship is pretty much impossible. All right, 345 00:20:10.680 --> 00:20:14.079 let me break it down. So the inn the study, 346 00:20:14.160 --> 00:20:17.920 researchers tracked thousands of couples over time, and they measured 347 00:20:17.960 --> 00:20:22.839 two things. They asked them about their general life satisfaction 348 00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:28.200 and their satisfaction in their relationship, and then they compared 349 00:20:28.279 --> 00:20:32.720 people who eventually separated with people who stayed together. Right, 350 00:20:32.720 --> 00:20:36.079 So they followed thousands of couples over a few years, 351 00:20:36.440 --> 00:20:39.119 quite a number of years in fact, as looking at 352 00:20:39.319 --> 00:20:42.319 this data, I think it was longitudinal studies that existed. 353 00:20:42.680 --> 00:20:44.920 And then they compared those that broke up with those 354 00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:47.480 that stayed together. This is a German study, by the way. 355 00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:54.359 German researchers. They found that couples who go on to 356 00:20:54.759 --> 00:21:01.359 break up typically experience a mild decline in happiness for years, 357 00:21:01.960 --> 00:21:07.359 but then it's followed by this dramatic drop by at 358 00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:10.599 least one partner, drop in happiness by one partners. So 359 00:21:11.440 --> 00:21:13.720 what the researchers say, I'm going to explain these two 360 00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:16.200 phases in just a second. But what the researcher say 361 00:21:16.519 --> 00:21:19.519 is it doesn't matter how many years a couple has 362 00:21:19.519 --> 00:21:21.960 been together. This is not a predictor of whether they're 363 00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:24.200 going to break up. So some of these breakups were 364 00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:26.960 people who had been together twenty years. Some of the 365 00:21:26.960 --> 00:21:30.519 breakups were people that were together two years. Right. What 366 00:21:30.720 --> 00:21:35.240 this research shows is that the time remaining until the 367 00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:39.079 breakup tells you more about the relationship health health. So 368 00:21:39.960 --> 00:21:44.599 they talk about time to separation. Okay, so let's talk 369 00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:47.759 about these phases. The first phase. So breakups happen in 370 00:21:47.799 --> 00:21:51.200 two stages. The first is called the pre terminal phase. 371 00:21:51.799 --> 00:21:54.359 So what they found by looking at the data is 372 00:21:54.359 --> 00:21:59.200 that there is a small decline in relationship satisfaction by 373 00:21:59.319 --> 00:22:03.920 both parts nurse and one partner has a big decline 374 00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:08.400 in life satisfaction. Like in other words, I'm not happy 375 00:22:08.400 --> 00:22:10.960 in my relationship and I'm not happy in my life. 376 00:22:11.079 --> 00:22:12.759 I don't like my job, I don't like my friends, 377 00:22:12.759 --> 00:22:14.319 and I like where we live, whatever it may be 378 00:22:14.480 --> 00:22:19.559 that associates life satisfaction. So at least one partner has 379 00:22:19.599 --> 00:22:23.880 a two pronged dissatisfaction. They're not happy in their relationship 380 00:22:24.400 --> 00:22:26.640 and they're not happy with their life. But the other 381 00:22:26.720 --> 00:22:29.279 partner is just not happy in their relationship. They know 382 00:22:29.359 --> 00:22:31.960 something's going on, so they're the ones that hang on 383 00:22:32.039 --> 00:22:36.359 and wait until there is this transition point. No, I 384 00:22:36.440 --> 00:22:38.720 got to say, I didn't need science to tell me 385 00:22:38.759 --> 00:22:41.920 this because back in the day, when I was single, 386 00:22:42.079 --> 00:22:45.680 when my friends were in relationships whatever, women always talked 387 00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:49.640 about this moment where the window just closes for a 388 00:22:49.640 --> 00:22:52.960 woman and there's nothing he could say or do to 389 00:22:53.039 --> 00:22:56.599 get you back, and you're just filling time until you're 390 00:22:56.640 --> 00:23:00.079 ready to leap right. THEO we call it. Once that 391 00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:03.720 window closes, there's nothing you can do. Well, these researchers 392 00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:09.160 call it the transitional point, that window closing. Now, how 393 00:23:09.240 --> 00:23:12.960 long does it take to break up after that window closes? 394 00:23:13.279 --> 00:23:16.640 This is really interesting. The researchers found, and they looked 395 00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:20.279 at thousands of couples. It takes anywhere from seven months 396 00:23:20.640 --> 00:23:24.119 to two years. Now, I remember years ago, I had 397 00:23:24.599 --> 00:23:29.920 a woman on this show who is like not a lawyer, 398 00:23:29.960 --> 00:23:33.519 but she's like an investor, and she invests in really 399 00:23:33.559 --> 00:23:37.279 high end divorces, right, because what happens in really wealthy 400 00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:40.880 couples is one person likes to hide the money and 401 00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:43.279