WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.120 I let myself in as quietly as I could, even 2 00:00:06.160 --> 00:00:08.240 though Sophie always drooked that my keys sounded like the 3 00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:10.919 well's tiniest wind chine. The hall was dim and cool, 4 00:00:10.960 --> 00:00:13.279 our apartments familiar, hush, stretching out. As I padded to 5 00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:15.199 the kitchen, the low blue cloth of the city bleeding, 6 00:00:15.199 --> 00:00:17.519 and at the edges of the blinds. I set my 7 00:00:17.559 --> 00:00:20.600 bag down with an accidental thump. It sounded loud, too 8 00:00:20.640 --> 00:00:23.879 loud against the hush. Her corner works missus empty, and 9 00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:26.760 the lights were off, but the laptops sat open, making pale, 10 00:00:26.760 --> 00:00:29.960 colorful shadows ripple against the wall. It was just past ten, 11 00:00:30.120 --> 00:00:32.439 not too late for either of us usually, but something 12 00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:35.079 about being home unexpectedly, walking into our space when I 13 00:00:35.079 --> 00:00:38.679 hadn't been expected, gave the aristatic charge. I wondered if 14 00:00:38.679 --> 00:00:40.640 she was in a bathroom or loss in a podcast. 15 00:00:40.759 --> 00:00:43.320 Her headphones clamped on made sketching, curled up in bare 16 00:00:43.960 --> 00:00:45.920 There was no faint hum of the shower, no sense 17 00:00:45.960 --> 00:00:48.359 from her bath oils, only a breathless sort of stillness. 18 00:00:48.920 --> 00:00:52.280 I walked by her desk. She's always been territorial over 19 00:00:52.280 --> 00:00:55.240 her nest A Chords, coffee mugs discarded, sticky notes and 20 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:58.960 evolving graveyard of old Pantone chips. Usually, if I peeked 21 00:00:58.960 --> 00:01:01.000 at her sketches or pers she'd roll her eyes and 22 00:01:01.119 --> 00:01:03.840 joke I had to sign an NDA, But lately she'd 23 00:01:03.840 --> 00:01:06.680 just been shutting her sketchuck altogether, leaving things unfinished. At 24 00:01:06.760 --> 00:01:09.400 least that's what I thought. But the laptop was on, 25 00:01:09.560 --> 00:01:12.840 and something new was splash acost screen. The colors burned 26 00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:15.799 almost neon, swirling in a pellet Sophy rarely touched. She 27 00:01:15.799 --> 00:01:20.200 preferred muted jewel tones, brothy shades, subtle pops. Here, though 28 00:01:20.359 --> 00:01:22.760 was hot pink, acid yellow. A cracked open turk was 29 00:01:22.760 --> 00:01:25.480 fighting for space around shapes that bled across each other's borders. 30 00:01:26.079 --> 00:01:30.040 The typography was playful, twirled into odd animated ligatures. It 31 00:01:30.079 --> 00:01:33.439 didn't look like her, not though I knew anyway. I 32 00:01:33.480 --> 00:01:35.959 didn't touch it, just stood back a half step behind 33 00:01:35.959 --> 00:01:37.920 the ghost of foot chair and certain why I felt 34 00:01:37.959 --> 00:01:41.079 embarrassed to be near her work. A strange tinny pinpus 35 00:01:41.079 --> 00:01:43.480 from her phone on the corner of the desk. She'd 36 00:01:43.519 --> 00:01:45.359 left its screen up on silent, a habit she only 37 00:01:45.400 --> 00:01:48.319 adopted last month. Bright letters split across the glass to 38 00:01:48.480 --> 00:01:51.480 night was wild, same time next week. The sender's number 39 00:01:51.519 --> 00:01:54.719 was unregistered, just a flat plus one, no name, only 40 00:01:54.760 --> 00:01:57.719 the message in the cutcheon smirk. I stepped away, got 41 00:01:57.719 --> 00:02:00.680 tightening with something I couldn't quite name, jealousy of her relevance, 42 00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:04.159 maybe both. Just then the front door clicked, keys jangling. 43 00:02:04.799 --> 00:02:06.599 Sophy swept him with a bust of night air and 44 00:02:06.640 --> 00:02:09.400 the scent of coffee clinging to her jacket. She stopped 45 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:11.439 in the entryway, as flicking to where I stood by 46 00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:15.639 her desk, smile rising then fading fast. Here home, her 47 00:02:15.719 --> 00:02:18.240 voice was carefully bright, like a whole surprise by a guest. 48 00:02:18.960 --> 00:02:21.919 Bags at her feet, shawlders tensed for just a second 49 00:02:21.960 --> 00:02:24.680 too long, I thought, wait, I thought your client meeting 50 00:02:24.759 --> 00:02:28.319 was late. It got canceled. I planted myself in the 51 00:02:28.360 --> 00:02:31.360 kitchen doorway, hands vaguely pretending to dry themselves on a towel. 52 00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:34.280 Did you just get in? She dumped her coat in 53 00:02:34.280 --> 00:02:38.039 the closet, voice trailing, yeah, just now. I growbed coffee 54 00:02:38.039 --> 00:02:39.840 on the way. Sorry, I was going to text if 55 00:02:39.840 --> 00:02:42.319 you were coming home late. We stood a bee too long, 56 00:02:42.479 --> 00:02:45.159 both aware of the lit laptop over her shoulder. She 57 00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:47.560 moved to click at clothes, but it was painfully obvious. 58 00:02:47.639 --> 00:02:50.759 She was avoiding my eyes. She hesitated with the smirk, 59 00:02:51.039 --> 00:02:54.159 murmured design emergencies. You know how it goes, then said 60 00:02:54.199 --> 00:02:56.199 she was starving, and drifted into the kitchen to rummage 61 00:02:56.199 --> 00:02:58.439 in our disaster drawer of miss match take out menus. 62 00:02:59.159 --> 00:03:01.599 Sometimes it's smallest things, the way she pulled a menu 63 00:03:01.639 --> 00:03:03.759 without looking, the way she didn't ask about my meeting, 64 00:03:03.840 --> 00:03:05.960 didn't ask if I joined her for Ticicot, already in 65 00:03:05.960 --> 00:03:08.879 her own after dark world. I stood three feet away 66 00:03:08.919 --> 00:03:11.479 and felt further than I had in a year. Surfaces 67 00:03:11.520 --> 00:03:15.400 matter to us. It's how we started critiquing playing. She 68 00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:17.879 always sad color was character, and some days she found 69 00:03:17.919 --> 00:03:19.759 one that had made me fall in love all over again. 70 00:03:20.319 --> 00:03:21.960 I always felt like she was the color and I 71 00:03:22.039 --> 00:03:24.639 was the frame. I wanted to ask whod messaged her? 72 00:03:25.199 --> 00:03:28.479 I wanted to ask about the angry pinks on the monitor. Instead, 73 00:03:28.599 --> 00:03:31.199 I led with the neutral new project, which was almost 74 00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:35.280 a joke. She just shrouked clients were branding, were playing 75 00:03:35.280 --> 00:03:37.919 with a new palette, kind of messy but fun. She 76 00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:40.960 busied herself with the electric kettle, staying half turned from me. 77 00:03:41.560 --> 00:03:44.400 I nodded, hiding how little of her answer I found satisfying. 78 00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:47.120 In the years we've worked side by side, we've dumped 79 00:03:47.159 --> 00:03:50.159 thousands of words into each other's laps about color, type, shape, 80 00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:53.199 as shared language. Lately, though, it was like I'd lost 81 00:03:53.199 --> 00:03:56.520 my vocabulary and she found another dialect. Altogether, we didn't 82 00:03:56.560 --> 00:03:59.479 talk about the odd message. I told myself it was 83 00:03:59.520 --> 00:04:04.520 nothing professional, probably or friend. That night, she fell asleep 84 00:04:04.520 --> 00:04:07.120 almost instantly, hair twisted up in fuon on the night stand, 85 00:04:07.199 --> 00:04:10.199 face down. I lay next to her, not touching. With 86 00:04:10.280 --> 00:04:13.199 the city's muted noise draining away, I remembered the time 87 00:04:13.199 --> 00:04:15.479 should snuck up behind me while I obsessed over cunning 88 00:04:15.479 --> 00:04:18.120 on a client's cereal packaging and scribbled fat purple mouka 89 00:04:18.160 --> 00:04:21.199 all over the mock up cackling people remember joy not 90 00:04:21.279 --> 00:04:25.680 perfection Alas she'd said. We'd laugh for ten minutes. I 91 00:04:25.800 --> 00:04:27.839 realized I hadn't laugh with her in days, not really. 92 00:04:28.519 --> 00:04:30.839 Morning came bright, pouring light into every spare inch of 93 00:04:30.879 --> 00:04:33.480 our tiny kitchen. She made up milk lattes in the 94 00:04:33.480 --> 00:04:36.480 French press, humming. I dumped my sketches on the table. 95 00:04:37.040 --> 00:04:39.360 She always loved my habit of working analog said it 96 00:04:39.399 --> 00:04:42.759 was charmingly stubborn. She plucked up the top, drawing, squinting. 97 00:04:43.360 --> 00:04:45.399 You really will fight the screen until we're both eighty, 98 00:04:45.560 --> 00:04:49.360 warn't you? No, I said, back lit, pixels kill romance. 99 00:04:50.079 --> 00:04:52.000 She rolled her eyes, but I saw her smile, a 100 00:04:52.040 --> 00:04:54.759 real one, small but there. You should try the iPad. 101 00:04:54.920 --> 00:04:58.680 Less romantic, but less risk pain, she said. She circled 102 00:04:58.680 --> 00:05:01.240 a corner of my blue print. This shape, period could 103 00:05:01.279 --> 00:05:04.360 push it, make this nakedive space boulder. We battered ideas 104 00:05:04.360 --> 00:05:06.920 back and forth. She made fun of my old blue 105 00:05:06.920 --> 00:05:09.240 color palette. And the client's a dentist, not a smurf, 106 00:05:09.240 --> 00:05:12.040 and I pretended to be wounded. We worked around each 107 00:05:12.040 --> 00:05:14.720 other in ankle socks and hoodies, she singing badly, me 108 00:05:14.800 --> 00:05:17.680 pretending to mind. It was better than last night, at 109 00:05:17.759 --> 00:05:19.720 least until her phone bought with another alert, and she 110 00:05:19.759 --> 00:05:22.360 shot up, I need to pose something to private. She 111 00:05:22.480 --> 00:05:24.959 turned away, thum flying across the screen, shutting the phone 112 00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:27.639 with the click. I stared at her back, hot shaped, 113 00:05:27.720 --> 00:05:30.360 lovely and more guarded than it used to be. Our 114 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:33.079 sundays used to be lazy art fairs, Vinyl on the 115 00:05:33.079 --> 00:05:35.040 old sound system. The two of us sneaking off of 116 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:37.600 Cossus and sketch books to the park. It was how 117 00:05:37.639 --> 00:05:39.360 I knew I loved her. She'd make the wolf feel 118 00:05:39.399 --> 00:05:42.240 like a color I'd never named. Our routine was lesser 119 00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:44.439 rat and more a dance, each knowing when to lead, 120 00:05:44.639 --> 00:05:47.839 when to follow. When she got her first big solo commission, 121 00:05:47.959 --> 00:05:50.000 we jumped in the show with our clothes unto celebrate. 122 00:05:50.720 --> 00:05:52.560 Now she raced out to the new co working space 123 00:05:52.600 --> 00:05:55.480 half our mornings, talking about all the creative energy. The 124 00:05:55.519 --> 00:05:57.360 place wasn't cheap, but she said it was worth it. 125 00:05:58.040 --> 00:06:00.639 Every one's making word stuff that pushes me to try harder, 126 00:06:00.759 --> 00:06:04.160 she said, practically glowing. I offered to tag along sometimes, 127 00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:07.160 grab an empty desk, work quietly in a corner. She 128 00:06:07.199 --> 00:06:10.120 shook her head so quickly it almost offended. It's just 129 00:06:10.199 --> 00:06:13.160 not your kind of vibe, bunch of hypercaffeinated worders. Not 130 00:06:13.279 --> 00:06:17.079 you've scene. Besides, you'd hate the music. She was probably right, 131 00:06:17.199 --> 00:06:20.319 but it's done. For years. We'd gone everywhere as a pair, 132 00:06:20.399 --> 00:06:22.480 even if only to roll our eyes at the world together. 133 00:06:23.120 --> 00:06:25.839 That old partnership, familiar and competitive, was part of what 134 00:06:25.920 --> 00:06:28.480 I love Lately. It was as if she carved out 135 00:06:28.519 --> 00:06:30.120 a new life and made sure I wasn't in it, 136 00:06:30.639 --> 00:06:33.360 but I didn't say anything. I convinced myself it was 137 00:06:33.399 --> 00:06:36.920 creative burnout, her need for new inspiration. I told myself, 138 00:06:36.920 --> 00:06:39.639 if I forced my way in, i'd seen threatened, maybe controlling. 139 00:06:40.199 --> 00:06:42.519 We kept up with mutual friends, but it was different now, 140 00:06:42.519 --> 00:06:46.040 her laughter looser, mine more strained. One night I texted 141 00:06:46.040 --> 00:06:47.720 her at six to ask what time she be on. 142 00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:50.279 She answered over an hour later, it might be late. 143 00:06:50.319 --> 00:06:53.160 Stuff ran over. I made dinner anywhere left of us 144 00:06:53.160 --> 00:06:54.600 from a place we both liked, and let it go 145 00:06:54.680 --> 00:06:58.720 cold while answering emails. She came in at midnight said 146 00:06:58.759 --> 00:07:01.959 she was sorry so much round the chaos. Some changes 147 00:07:01.959 --> 00:07:04.839 sneak in until you can't remember when they started a 148 00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:07.560 week later, we attended Mara's birthday at house. The barber 149 00:07:07.639 --> 00:07:11.120 local design folks congregated around I pa flights and unflattering neon. 150 00:07:11.720 --> 00:07:14.160 Mara's laugh was loud enough to rattle window panes or bad. 151 00:07:14.199 --> 00:07:18.360 She shrieking for one last on. The whole group was motley, crue, clients, freelancers, 152 00:07:18.439 --> 00:07:22.319 gallery kits, everyone talking at once. Sophie Hunt closer tomorrow 153 00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:25.000 than to me, which wasn't abnormal, after all, Mara was 154 00:07:25.040 --> 00:07:28.199 her friend. First. I caught snatches of their conversation about 155 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:30.759 a lunatic deadline and the strengths, a joke about a 156 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:33.560 secret curry spot. At one a m someone threw an 157 00:07:33.639 --> 00:07:36.920 arm around Sophie, cackling, not another midnight curry hunt. The 158 00:07:36.959 --> 00:07:40.240 whole group exploded with laughter except me. I look blankly 159 00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:44.240 at Mara. What minnight curry hunt? Mara blinked, that slice 160 00:07:44.240 --> 00:07:46.040 smile slipping over her face as she took me in. 161 00:07:46.680 --> 00:07:49.319 I thought you were there, weren't you. Sophie's voice was 162 00:07:49.360 --> 00:07:51.959 a little too chipper. No, No, that was all just 163 00:07:52.040 --> 00:07:54.519 late night delirium. You know how it is nothing really, 164 00:07:55.199 --> 00:07:57.600 She shot Mara a look, tight lipped, and quickly pivoted 165 00:07:57.639 --> 00:07:59.879 to let's get more frizer. Before I could pass the implication. 166 00:08:00.560 --> 00:08:02.680 It stuck in my memory all night, that look, that 167 00:08:02.800 --> 00:08:05.800 shift of conversation. Was she keeping things from me? Or 168 00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:08.560 was I overthinking? They all seemed an on the joke. 169 00:08:09.279 --> 00:08:11.160 I wondered how many stories she had been in lately 170 00:08:11.160 --> 00:08:14.040 that I hadn't even realized for being Redden. I started 171 00:08:14.040 --> 00:08:16.600 watching her hands as she worked at home, sometimes fidgety, 172 00:08:16.720 --> 00:08:20.560 sometimes too precise, our late night design talks started to fade, 173 00:08:20.879 --> 00:08:23.959 were replaced by her muttering about deadlines for collaborations or 174 00:08:24.079 --> 00:08:26.240 just a new thing with people who get it. A 175 00:08:26.279 --> 00:08:28.240 few days later, she came home with bags from a 176 00:08:28.279 --> 00:08:31.439 coffee chain she always mocked. The local place was closed, 177 00:08:31.480 --> 00:08:34.600 she offered, before I could comment. It seemed benign until 178 00:08:34.600 --> 00:08:36.639 I hugged her and her jacket gave off a spicy 179 00:08:36.679 --> 00:08:41.799 pepri clonne that definitely wasn't mine, somewhat seasitrus blend, nothing strong, 180 00:08:42.000 --> 00:08:45.679 but enough to make me pause. Are you a worring perfume? 181 00:08:46.240 --> 00:08:48.600 She looked genuinely confused for half a second, then her 182 00:08:48.600 --> 00:08:52.080 brows tensed. Oh god, no, it's all over the cold 183 00:08:52.120 --> 00:08:54.519 working place. Their cleaning people used this I don't know, 184 00:08:54.679 --> 00:08:57.720 sanctified eucalyptus and all the garbage. Even my hoodie reeks. 185 00:08:58.080 --> 00:08:59.720 She made a big show of sniffing her sleeve and 186 00:08:59.799 --> 00:09:02.360 ringing her nose, then threw the jacket over her chair, 187 00:09:02.480 --> 00:09:06.000 already on her phone. It was plausible. I guessed the 188 00:09:06.039 --> 00:09:08.639 place was supposed to be at sea, full of scent triggers, 189 00:09:08.759 --> 00:09:11.840 big on weird branding, But my brain leaped back. Sophie 190 00:09:11.840 --> 00:09:14.960 always noticed smells sometimes to a fault. She would have 191 00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:17.639 complained about it, So why was this the first mention? 192 00:09:18.360 --> 00:09:20.519 Before I could turn that over, she dropped her laptop 193 00:09:20.519 --> 00:09:24.120 on the coffee table, files locked behind a password not 194 00:09:24.200 --> 00:09:26.159 unhoud of. She'd done it for certain clients, but she'd 195 00:09:26.200 --> 00:09:28.399 always trusted me with a staff, or at least never 196 00:09:28.440 --> 00:09:31.600 cared if I peaked. I asked, did you change your password? 197 00:09:32.200 --> 00:09:35.000 She shrugged, keeping her eyes on her work. I have 198 00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:37.519 to now this client's kind of hyphprofile. They made me 199 00:09:37.559 --> 00:09:40.799 sign a bunch of nondisclosure stuff. I tried to leave it, 200 00:09:40.919 --> 00:09:44.120 but curiosity nod. You can trust me, eats off. It's 201 00:09:44.159 --> 00:09:47.039 not like I'm going to leak your mock ups, she hesitated, 202 00:09:47.120 --> 00:09:50.559 fingers dancing. Of course, it's just a habit. Now, don't 203 00:09:50.559 --> 00:09:53.559 make it a thing. Okay. A short Pau's tense bristling. 204 00:09:54.200 --> 00:09:56.240 Then she closed her laptop and turned to rummage in 205 00:09:56.240 --> 00:09:59.120 the fridge, humming tinlessly, shutting down the conversation with movement 206 00:09:59.679 --> 00:10:02.519 for so social media changed too. She used to post 207 00:10:02.519 --> 00:10:05.799 process shots and jokes, tagging me in everything we explored. 208 00:10:05.799 --> 00:10:08.960 Before I realized she'd stopped her stories when private. The 209 00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:11.879 fault post now tagged her close friends. I caught a 210 00:10:11.879 --> 00:10:14.039 glimpse of her scrolling through names, then locking the app 211 00:10:14.080 --> 00:10:16.879 before I could see the screen. Our biggest couple's client 212 00:10:16.919 --> 00:10:19.399 emailed one Wednesday, would it be possible for Sophie to 213 00:10:19.399 --> 00:10:23.759 handle this round solo? I called clarify, Confused, The client 214 00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:27.960 sounded almost apologetic. Sophie's work style just matches our vision 215 00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:30.720 better for this. I hope that's okay. Sophie shrugged when 216 00:10:30.759 --> 00:10:33.600 I brought it up. Don't take it personal, babe, they 217 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:36.879 liked my typography better. You know it's true. It wasn't untrue. 218 00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:40.200 Her compositions had a warmth, a looseness I could never fake. 219 00:10:40.799 --> 00:10:43.600 But we'd always split praise and criticism straight down the middle. 220 00:10:44.159 --> 00:10:46.200 It occurred to me late at night how easy it'd 221 00:10:46.200 --> 00:10:47.440 have been for her to let me fade from that 222 00:10:47.480 --> 00:10:50.639 project without a fight. Over dinner night later, I tried 223 00:10:50.639 --> 00:10:53.840 to ask about the new coworking people. Anyone interesting there, 224 00:10:53.919 --> 00:10:58.200 anyone I know? She nodded absently. Some gallery types. Late 225 00:10:58.279 --> 00:11:00.519 night freelancer is O and Cam. He's knew in town, 226 00:11:00.600 --> 00:11:03.360 came from La or something, runs a few creative meet ups. 227 00:11:03.960 --> 00:11:07.320 She tipped her head. Why jealous? I gave her a 228 00:11:07.320 --> 00:11:09.320 look that was supposed to be playful but felt brittle 229 00:11:09.320 --> 00:11:12.440 even in my own bones. Just curious, you haven't mentioned 230 00:11:12.440 --> 00:11:16.399 anyone new in a while, She shrugged Cam's fanny. Smart 231 00:11:16.440 --> 00:11:19.159 a little much sometimes but harmless. We mostly taught branding, 232 00:11:19.200 --> 00:11:22.679 don't overthink it ly, but that was it. A week later, 233 00:11:22.879 --> 00:11:26.120 a joined friend, Jamal, who worked occasionally with us, both texted, 234 00:11:26.200 --> 00:11:28.440 hope you and Sophia making Cam feel welcome. His jokes 235 00:11:28.480 --> 00:11:30.399 are wild. Didn't expect her to find her meme twins 236 00:11:30.440 --> 00:11:33.000 so fast? Haha. I stared at my phone for a 237 00:11:33.000 --> 00:11:35.960 long time, thumb stuck above the reply button. Cam again, 238 00:11:36.679 --> 00:11:39.519 mean twin. It struck me just how off bounce i'd been. 239 00:11:39.559 --> 00:11:42.559 Everyone seemed to know something about Sophie's work. Husband accept me. 240 00:11:43.240 --> 00:11:46.360 That night, lying awake, I reviewed every time Sophie mentioned 241 00:11:46.440 --> 00:11:49.120 esthetic Synergy, How frustrated she sounded when I asked to 242 00:11:49.159 --> 00:11:52.039 see her new work, how she'd started hesitating before answering 243 00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:55.440 even basic questions about her projects. My mind ping pond. 244 00:11:55.639 --> 00:11:58.559 Had we always shared this much? Was I being possessive 245 00:11:58.559 --> 00:12:01.240 for wanting a window into her process? While was a 246 00:12:01.320 --> 00:12:03.080 catching the edge of something real, the shadow of a 247 00:12:03.159 --> 00:12:06.080 secret slipping from her grasp. It got harder to pretend 248 00:12:06.159 --> 00:12:08.919 nothing had changed between us. We ate dinners with a 249 00:12:08.960 --> 00:12:13.000 new dangerous politeness, surface level chat, no gentle ribbing. She 250 00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:16.159 was restless, texting under the table, sometimes stepping away to answer. 251 00:12:16.759 --> 00:12:19.159 I started noticing details and her routines that had never 252 00:12:19.200 --> 00:12:22.159 been there before. Her friend group quietly shifted to suddenly 253 00:12:22.200 --> 00:12:24.639 people I'd never heard of featured in her stories, always 254 00:12:24.679 --> 00:12:27.320 from obscure candle lit balls or clotted studios that looked 255 00:12:27.360 --> 00:12:30.759 daily in her wardrobe changed too. She started worrying bold 256 00:12:30.759 --> 00:12:33.639 patches on her thrifted jackets, knew jewey, a koppa cuff, 257 00:12:33.720 --> 00:12:35.759 a geometric set of rings, things that belonged in an 258 00:12:35.799 --> 00:12:39.000 esthetic mood board. I had never seen her build theory spawn. 259 00:12:39.200 --> 00:12:42.759 She was just evolving. Maybe it was a phase. Maybe 260 00:12:42.759 --> 00:12:45.080 I was afraid of change, threatened by her finding a 261 00:12:45.080 --> 00:12:47.759 groove in a scene where I wasn't sent a stage. 262 00:12:47.799 --> 00:12:50.320 One Thursday, mid afternoon of freelance client, I thought we 263 00:12:50.320 --> 00:12:53.320 were still tackling together, requested Sophie for check in, not me. 264 00:12:53.480 --> 00:12:55.559 I reached out, trying to sweeth things over, and the 265 00:12:55.600 --> 00:12:58.200 reply was almost too polite. We loved both your inputs, 266 00:12:58.240 --> 00:13:00.919 but Sophie's really clicking with the recommendation from Camm's group, 267 00:13:01.480 --> 00:13:04.399 no mention of me. I was annoyed, But more than that, 268 00:13:04.600 --> 00:13:06.320 I was aware of a gap opening between us, not 269 00:13:06.440 --> 00:13:09.759 just personal but professional. Our marriage had always survived on 270 00:13:09.799 --> 00:13:12.159 a fierce kind of equality. It was as if she 271 00:13:12.200 --> 00:13:14.440 was chiseling her own island out from under both our feet. 272 00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:17.759 Sophie stopped talking about type feces and textures at night. 273 00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:20.559 Now she mused about people who just get your vision 274 00:13:20.559 --> 00:13:23.559 from a gut level. Her tone held something sharp, defensive. 275 00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:26.000 When I pressed gently to see what she meant, she 276 00:13:26.000 --> 00:13:29.320 shook her head. Why does it matter, Ali, you ever process? 277 00:13:29.399 --> 00:13:32.039 I need to breathe a bit. I tried backing off, 278 00:13:32.080 --> 00:13:34.960 but the tension stuck. Her phone was glued to her hand, 279 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:38.879 her collaborators unnamed and invisible. I sometimes caught her smiling 280 00:13:38.879 --> 00:13:42.679 at TeX's gay, soft cheeks blooming. I tried to rationalize, 281 00:13:42.679 --> 00:13:45.320 maybe this was Sophie refuelling the storm before another round 282 00:13:45.320 --> 00:13:49.360 of fierce collaboration. But doubts scratched in my chest. Music 283 00:13:49.440 --> 00:13:52.360 changed in the apartment to her playliss louder, more electronic. 284 00:13:53.039 --> 00:13:55.080 At first, I protested it we already live in a 285 00:13:55.080 --> 00:13:57.679 technocenta kitchen. But she just laughed, told me I was 286 00:13:57.679 --> 00:14:01.840 a grandpa. She didn't apologize. Over dinner with friends, she 287 00:14:01.919 --> 00:14:04.960 was suddenly impatient, reaching for inside jokes. I didn't share. 288 00:14:05.720 --> 00:14:08.240 When Morrow recounted a legendary come on a log, I 289 00:14:08.320 --> 00:14:10.960 felt like an outsider in my own life, I asked 290 00:14:10.960 --> 00:14:14.240 Mark Quitetly later she met cam. Oh. Sure, Sophie and 291 00:14:14.279 --> 00:14:16.720 camera arrived together at the space. Have you not visited 292 00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:19.440 they have like this whole designed banter thing people practically 293 00:14:19.480 --> 00:14:22.360 pay to evesdrop. She grinned, but something in her eyes 294 00:14:22.399 --> 00:14:25.320 made me uneasy. I spent a night stirring at the ceiling, 295 00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:27.919 her arm draped over my chest like a weight. I 296 00:14:27.960 --> 00:14:29.759 wanted to wake her up, shake her, ask what was 297 00:14:29.799 --> 00:14:33.279 going on? Was I losing her slowly? Day by day? Oh? 298 00:14:33.399 --> 00:14:35.840 Was all this just noise? Me reading jealousy into a 299 00:14:35.879 --> 00:14:38.480 stage of her growth that didn't include me. None of 300 00:14:38.519 --> 00:14:41.440 my questions found a good answer. One day, coming home 301 00:14:41.480 --> 00:14:43.480 early again, I pretended to my last client ad as 302 00:14:43.879 --> 00:14:46.879 Sophie was sitting at the table, phone in hand, obviously typing. 303 00:14:47.559 --> 00:14:49.919 As I came in, she tucked it away fast, finished 304 00:14:49.919 --> 00:14:52.480 a message and shut it down. Her laptop beep shut 305 00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:56.039 as I walked in, documents disappearing. We're off they, she asked, 306 00:14:56.039 --> 00:14:59.759 not meeting my eye. Not really, I tried to read her. 307 00:15:00.120 --> 00:15:02.200 She focused on peeling a sticker off a take up box. 308 00:15:02.919 --> 00:15:07.200 Clint Hell, she offered. I nodded, same as always. They 309 00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:09.759 want seven creative routes and want to pay for one. 310 00:15:09.799 --> 00:15:13.279 She laughed, but it felt distant. I asked, gently, you 311 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:16.000 working with Kem on that new gig. Her pause was 312 00:15:16.039 --> 00:15:18.960 a little too drawn out, sort of. He's got ideas 313 00:15:19.000 --> 00:15:22.440 wildly unrealistic, but sometimes useful. He's good for sparking things. 314 00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:26.360 I searched her face for Are you happy? She looked 315 00:15:26.440 --> 00:15:31.200 up slowly. What does that mean in general? I hesitated. No, 316 00:15:31.559 --> 00:15:33.759 I mean with your work, with all this with us. 317 00:15:34.440 --> 00:15:37.399 She tapped her nails on the table, thinking I love us. 318 00:15:37.440 --> 00:15:39.200 I just sometimes I wish it could be a little 319 00:15:39.240 --> 00:15:42.000 less clinical. I know that sounds bad. It's not about you, 320 00:15:42.279 --> 00:15:45.080 It's not, I wanted to say, but it feels like 321 00:15:45.120 --> 00:15:48.759 it is. A forced smile. Reached across and squeezed her hand. 322 00:15:49.440 --> 00:15:52.039 She didn't squeeze back, not quite, and since she was 323 00:15:52.120 --> 00:15:56.480 up were filling cups, the warmth between us hoard uncertain. Later, 324 00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:58.279 I saw her back her sketch book in a bottle 325 00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:00.960 of that same branded coffee into her tote. She was 326 00:16:00.960 --> 00:16:02.840 heading to the co working space again, always a place 327 00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:05.759 I couldn't follow. One evening, desperate to call my way 328 00:16:05.759 --> 00:16:07.759 back from the brink, I planned a date night at home, 329 00:16:08.360 --> 00:16:12.039 no laptops, no folms. I cooked badly, but she laughed 330 00:16:12.039 --> 00:16:15.000 at my failure to keep aky Oak's intact. For a while, 331 00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:16.879 it was easy, the old give and tick, Slipping back. 332 00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:19.559 Held by half a bottle of wine, she loosened up 333 00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:22.639 shoulders and clenching. I didn't ask about calm this time. 334 00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:25.519 I let her steer the conversation to old horror stories, 335 00:16:25.559 --> 00:16:27.919 clients who paid eleven months late, type foundriies that went 336 00:16:27.960 --> 00:16:29.960 belly up of night, the time she nearly set her 337 00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:32.759 hair on fire at an installation. When she looked tired, 338 00:16:32.799 --> 00:16:36.639 I took her hand and squeezed. She squeezed back we 339 00:16:36.759 --> 00:16:39.919 ate dessert out of the container. She admitted for us low, 340 00:16:40.080 --> 00:16:42.120 I feel like I'm in the dread moall lately, always 341 00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:45.080 playing catch up, like everyone's doing something more interesting, and 342 00:16:45.159 --> 00:16:47.679 I'm just stuck. Even with you. I feel seen, but 343 00:16:47.720 --> 00:16:50.000 I feel static, Like do you ever wish you could 344 00:16:50.039 --> 00:16:52.399 just hip her? Set on your style or your whole persona. 345 00:16:53.000 --> 00:16:56.799 I nodded, heart twisting sometimes, but I think sometimes where 346 00:16:56.799 --> 00:16:59.080 our omwors critics, maybe you're closer to where you want 347 00:16:59.120 --> 00:17:01.679 to be than you realize. She looked at me, something 348 00:17:01.759 --> 00:17:04.799 re of flickering in her gaze. Maybe I don't know. 349 00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:07.039 I used to feel like making stuff if he was oxygen. 350 00:17:07.079 --> 00:17:09.000 Now I feel, I don't know, burned out, like I 351 00:17:09.119 --> 00:17:11.359 need to prove I'm not just eliazin souvie the brand. 352 00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:14.480 That night, our intimacy felt real, but it was layered 353 00:17:14.519 --> 00:17:17.000 with guilt on my end, relief that maybe I misread everything, 354 00:17:17.079 --> 00:17:18.960 and a sliver of fear that this brand talk was 355 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:21.519 just curd for her wanting a new life. For two 356 00:17:21.559 --> 00:17:23.720 weeks she was around more, collapsing on to the couch 357 00:17:23.799 --> 00:17:26.119 with me after late meetings, pulling me into her process. 358 00:17:26.119 --> 00:17:29.319 Not quite like before, but nearly I thought we were better. 359 00:17:29.960 --> 00:17:32.319 Then one morning, over coffee, whilst she rushed out the 360 00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:34.359 door or receipt from her tote fell on to the table. 361 00:17:34.920 --> 00:17:38.039 The bar's name was unfamiliar Canopy, the date and time 362 00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:40.480 stamped ten fifty seven p m. And night, she swore 363 00:17:40.559 --> 00:17:42.359 she was at the co working space finishing up with 364 00:17:42.359 --> 00:17:45.240 her team. That night, she texted grinding at the studio, 365 00:17:45.319 --> 00:17:47.960 don't wait up, love you. I said nothing at first, 366 00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:50.839 I didn't want to leap a shadows, But as she left, 367 00:17:50.880 --> 00:17:54.440 I googled the bar Swank Demult, only two blocks from 368 00:17:54.440 --> 00:17:58.480 the coworking place, popular with the vart crowd. She'd never 369 00:17:58.559 --> 00:18:01.599 mentioned it. Later I looked at her phone, telling myself 370 00:18:01.599 --> 00:18:03.920 it was just for peace of mind. I caught sight 371 00:18:03.960 --> 00:18:06.720 of a message dread at the top Cam, no surname, 372 00:18:06.839 --> 00:18:10.440 just Camp. Half a dozen messages back and forth, most unreadable, 373 00:18:10.440 --> 00:18:12.640 but the most recent, only an hour old. Miss you 374 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:16.400 already last night was the best. My ears buzzed. I 375 00:18:16.480 --> 00:18:19.880 put her phone down quickly, almost clumsily. Sophie didn't mention 376 00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:22.960 anything that day but working late or meeting Cam. When 377 00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:25.640 she came home, she sunk onto the couch, exhausted, new 378 00:18:25.640 --> 00:18:28.799 wearing sdangling, can you heat up the leftoverst I'm dead? 379 00:18:29.359 --> 00:18:31.480 I obeyed, and for a moment watched her legs curled 380 00:18:31.559 --> 00:18:34.519 under her scrolling stories, some amusement playing over her lips. 381 00:18:35.160 --> 00:18:38.319 I wondered, who she was laughing with, wondered what stories 382 00:18:38.400 --> 00:18:41.160 I would or wouldn't be permitted to know. I started 383 00:18:41.200 --> 00:18:43.960 noticing how all these details built together, the hidden files, 384 00:18:44.039 --> 00:18:46.640 the after hours drinks, passwords, the sudden shift in our 385 00:18:46.680 --> 00:18:50.200 client list, mutual friends, carelessness, mentioning calm as her constant companion. 386 00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:54.440 Sophie's work changed again, fearing bold, experimental, like the project 387 00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:57.240 i'd seen that first night, less and less like her, 388 00:18:57.359 --> 00:18:59.200 or maybe more in a way I didn't realize or 389 00:18:59.240 --> 00:19:02.400 belonged to any more. One evening, testing the water, A 390 00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:05.240 texted Mara, hey, is the co working space still taking 391 00:19:05.279 --> 00:19:07.519 new folks? My studio is too quite Lightly was thinking 392 00:19:07.559 --> 00:19:10.759 of joining you and soft sometime, She replied three hours later, 393 00:19:10.880 --> 00:19:13.640 chipp her but cautious. Oh it's wild. They're right now. 394 00:19:13.720 --> 00:19:16.240 Cam's running all the lace sessions, lords of folks in 395 00:19:16.279 --> 00:19:18.880 it and not. Sophie's basically never home. Ha it's intense, 396 00:19:18.960 --> 00:19:22.200 ha ha. How are you too? Holding up that mention again? 397 00:19:22.279 --> 00:19:25.519 Cam always linked to Sophie. I pressed, seems like they 398 00:19:25.559 --> 00:19:29.519 worked tight, good collab. Mara's answer was evasive, Yeah, super tight. 399 00:19:29.680 --> 00:19:32.400 It's a weird little creative incubator can get clickery at tbh, 400 00:19:32.440 --> 00:19:34.599 but you and Sophie are still the ojis. Don't worry, 401 00:19:34.640 --> 00:19:37.519