Speaker 1: Okay, up top. Just so you know, this is a
Speaker 1: weird episode. Topics, weird a format, weird audio, weird. Stick
Speaker 1: with me. It's worth it to the end, I promise. Okay,
Speaker 1: Oh hey, it's your friend's kid who's hitting you with
Speaker 1: a pool noddle Ali ward and come with me as
Speaker 1: I research prep for get a colonoscopy and then learn
Speaker 1: some alarming results. Will you? Okay? So I'm proud of
Speaker 1: you number one for being here. It's an investment in
Speaker 1: your health. Or maybe you're just here because you like butts,
Speaker 1: or you want to hear some hot gossip about mine.
Speaker 1: Maybe someone who cares about you sent this is like
Speaker 1: a friendly, encouraging Valentine straight up your rectum. But here's
Speaker 1: what's up. I needed a colonoscopy, and, like one would imagine,
Speaker 1: I was not thrilled at this prospect. But I have
Speaker 1: lost a few loved ones to colon cancer, and I've
Speaker 1: seen firsthand how gnarly it is to have cancer in
Speaker 1: your guts. And little known word trivia. So my dad
Speaker 1: had blood cancer for nine years, but his chemotherapy had
Speaker 1: the side effect of causing colon cancer possibly, and it
Speaker 1: was actually that undetected for too long, which ultimately.
Speaker 2: Took us life.
Speaker 1: So this episode is personal really, like in every way possible,
Speaker 1: and maybe for you too. One in sixteen people in
Speaker 1: America will get colon cancer and zero in sixteen like
Speaker 1: talking about it. So if this intestinal odyssey helps one
Speaker 1: person get screened, I guess it's worth the potential embarrassment.
Speaker 1: And trust me, there's a lot of embarrassment in this.
Speaker 1: One of my favorite things that I've learned from your
Speaker 1: pod mom, Jered Sleeper, is that something is only as
Speaker 1: embarrassing as you let it become. Because when you're embarrassed,
Speaker 1: people get embarrassed for you. But when you don't give
Speaker 1: a fuck, no one feels bad for you. So you
Speaker 1: just own your colons. So what shrug it off? Let's
Speaker 1: get started. But first, thank you to everyone at patreon
Speaker 1: dot com slash ologies for supporting the show. Thank you
Speaker 1: to everyone who passes this along to a friend and
Speaker 1: those wearing merch from ologysmerch dot com. Thanks to everyone
Speaker 1: who subscribes and rates and reviews, which helps so much.
Speaker 1: I read every review and this week there were such
Speaker 1: sweet ones, even though someone named Bort Muppet Margaret meant
Speaker 1: to leave five stars, but left one star. But that's okay,
Speaker 1: it happens. I didn't take it personally. Also, b Bell
Speaker 1: nine seven one seven thanks for the review that said
Speaker 1: I love science. I thought I hated science my whole
Speaker 1: life until this podcast, and it has shifted my view
Speaker 1: of absolutely everything. B Bell, Margaret, everyone who left a review,
Speaker 1: thank you. Okay, either way, let's get into it. Let's
Speaker 1: get into let's get into me. So we're going to
Speaker 1: cover how to prep for a colonoscopy, the best tips
Speaker 1: from people who have been through this, why one must
Speaker 1: even prepare for colonoscopy, but cameras, history, pathology reports, advice
Speaker 1: from drunk strangers, how a colonoscopy is like a frat
Speaker 1: house rager, and more. This episode might save your life.
Speaker 1: So come along. Let's take the back entrance in this
Speaker 1: field trip to my bud a colonoscopy right along, and
Speaker 1: how to dan. Let's start in my kitchen the Saturday
Speaker 1: afternoon before my Monday morning colonoscopy. Okay, so I was
Speaker 1: supposed to get a kolonoscopy a year ago, but I
Speaker 1: was too busy taking care of my dad who was
Speaker 1: dying of colon cancer. So ha ha, I had the
Speaker 1: prep and everything and it's been stashed in the CBS
Speaker 1: bag in a cupboard above my refrigerator for a year
Speaker 1: or so. Let's dig into this and see what the
Speaker 1: instructions say. I hoped to god I wasn't supposed to
Speaker 1: start this yesterday. Okay, Oh boy, gavelite, g take as
Speaker 1: directed one time only, as though you're gonna be.
Speaker 3: Like, I gotta give me some more of that.
Speaker 2: My gosh, my brain's out again.
Speaker 4: Okay.
Speaker 1: So this was filled last year.
Speaker 2: Cool?
Speaker 1: Okay. So I've had this large paper bag from the
Speaker 1: pharmacy sitting in the cupboard, stapled shut. It's been above
Speaker 1: my refrigerator, in the cabinet for over a year, and
Speaker 1: I finally cracked it open. You open it up and
Speaker 1: it's just a gallon. It's a gallon jug. Oh no,
Speaker 1: oh no, no, this sucks. Okay, it's GAVELI g there's
Speaker 1: a lot of polyethylene, glycol, sodium, sulfite, potassium. Okay, So
Speaker 1: you're supposed to fill to the top of the bottle.
Speaker 1: You've got to drink this whole thing. Oh no. And
Speaker 1: then it comes with a flavor pack. It's a lemon
Speaker 1: flavor pack. I guess this part is optional when it
Speaker 1: reconstituted with the water to a volume of four liters,
Speaker 1: which is a gallon. So this preparation can be used
Speaker 1: with or without the lemon flavor pack. Add lukewarm drinking
Speaker 1: water to the film mark on the bottle. No solid
Speaker 1: food should be consumed for the three to four hour
Speaker 1: period before drinking a solution, but in no case should
Speaker 1: solid food be eaten within two hours. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: drink one eight ounce cup of the solution rapidly every
Speaker 1: ten minutes. A loose, watery vowel movement should result in
Speaker 1: approximately one hour. Continue drinking until the entire contents for
Speaker 1: leaders have been consumed, or as directed by a physician,
Speaker 1: and it says no, the solution is more palatable if
Speaker 1: chilled in the refrigerator before drinking. Wow, I cannot believe
Speaker 1: how much like Whit this is gonna be. I don't
Speaker 1: know why this is.
Speaker 3: I think I'm so scared.
Speaker 1: I'm starting to I'm doing the thing where you start
Speaker 1: to giggle when you're so scared, like this is.
Speaker 3: So this is so horrifying to me that.
Speaker 1: It's funny, and I know that it's it's not actually funny.
Speaker 2: And if you.
Speaker 1: Barf this up or you have dizzyness, your switchcrossalm on immediately.
Speaker 1: You may experience some abdominal bloating and distension before the
Speaker 1: bewels start to move. So don't eat solid foods on
Speaker 1: the day before your colonoscopy and until after your colonoscopy.
Speaker 1: I doubt you're gonna be in twilight and be like
Speaker 1: eating a hogi or something.
Speaker 3: It wants a sandwich.
Speaker 1: Just like a Philly cheese steak on the table. Drink
Speaker 1: only clear liquids, so clear liquids or water, clear fruit
Speaker 1: juices without pulp like apple, white grape or white cranberry,
Speaker 1: strained lime made or lemonade, coffee or tea without creamer,
Speaker 1: clear broth, clear soda, gelatin popsicles without fruit pulp. Do
Speaker 1: not eat or drink anything colored red or purple. Okay,
Speaker 1: So you don't want to eat anything with red dye
Speaker 1: in it, like red or purple drinks or jello, because
Speaker 1: residue of that can look like blood or alesion in
Speaker 1: your intestines. So help the docs out and avoid like
Speaker 1: fruit punch. Also, five days before the exam, start a
Speaker 1: low fiber diet. It's anesthetical to everything you know. You
Speaker 1: want to avoid fruits, and veggies and whole grains. So
Speaker 1: a week before you're eating mashed potatoes, you're having crackers,
Speaker 1: et cetera. But the day before the exam, the day
Speaker 1: before the exam, no solid food of any kind. It's
Speaker 1: just you and the gallon jug plus as much clear
Speaker 1: broth and jello and clear pulp free juices like apple juice.
Speaker 1: So I had an early appointment on a Monday morning,
Speaker 1: checking in at seven am. So I was supposed to
Speaker 1: start Sunday night four thirty pm and drink half a
Speaker 1: gallon over two hours. Just chug this thing down the
Speaker 1: hatch alongside some Dulkalex, just for some added action, and
Speaker 1: then wake up in the middle of the night and
Speaker 1: drink the other half the gallon between three and four am,
Speaker 1: like hours before the procedure. So your timing might be
Speaker 1: a little different. But the moral here is just take
Speaker 1: the day off. You're going to be tired, You're going
Speaker 1: to be peeing out your keyster by design, maybe by accident.
Speaker 1: I was warned that no farts are to be trusted.
Speaker 1: Sit on a towel or per the instructions. You may
Speaker 1: consider wearing depends on all diapers. On the way to
Speaker 1: your procedure to avoid an accident with your bound movements.
Speaker 2: Okay, this is fine.
Speaker 1: They include some FAQs here. Why does this solution taste
Speaker 1: so bad? A certain concentration of salts and electrolytes is
Speaker 1: needed to effectively clear the colon. As a result, unfortunately,
Speaker 1: these solutions do taste bad. And why so salty so?
Speaker 1: Because this sodium and potassium and magnesium sulfate solution is
Speaker 1: what's called hyper osmotic. That means it sucks water into
Speaker 1: your intestines to swell up your guts, and then that
Speaker 1: causes muscle contractions called paristosis, which is it's kind of
Speaker 1: like pressing the fast forward button on evacuation, so I
Speaker 1: get everybody out. But there are other methods other than
Speaker 1: this golightly gallon though there's mirralax preparation. There are smaller
Speaker 1: salty borgs that are just a half gallon and then
Speaker 1: you need to drink an extra leader of water right after.
Speaker 1: Or you can do salt tablets that you chase with water.
Speaker 1: But most likely you're going to get this big jug
Speaker 1: that I got, and that's what insurance will cover. But
Speaker 1: talk to your doctor if you want the usually more
Speaker 1: expensive but less voluminous prep.
Speaker 3: What they care.
Speaker 1: Most about is a clear view of your personal sewer system.
Speaker 1: How do I know if I'm clear for the procedure?
Speaker 1: So this typically occurs after a significant amount of solid
Speaker 1: dark liquid stool has been eliminated, and then liquid stools
Speaker 1: become progressively clearer to the point that you can read
Speaker 1: a newspaper through them. That seems so specific and also
Speaker 1: not really a metaphor for the digital generation. And I
Speaker 1: wondered who came up with that edict? And I accidentally
Speaker 1: fell down a porta potty hoole of info about John Arderne,
Speaker 1: who was a fourteenth century surgeon known as the father
Speaker 1: of proctology, who I think he used leeches on hemorrhoids
Speaker 1: and would sometimes have patients swallow a thread and then
Speaker 1: when the front end surfaced out of their south port,
Speaker 1: he would pull it back and forth to cut out
Speaker 1: tumors and fistulas, kind of like dental floss for your inerts.
Speaker 1: But I don't think that they had daily newspapers back then,
Speaker 1: or even camera WANs in the thirteen hundreds. But it
Speaker 1: turns out that the modern colonoscopy was birthed from scientists
Speaker 1: at Tokyo University around nineteen sixty nine.
Speaker 5: Nice.
Speaker 1: But as for that guideline that you should be able
Speaker 1: to read a newspaper through your watery emissions, the closest
Speaker 1: source that I could find for that was a bunch
Speaker 1: of articles saying that the upper pasta doo should be
Speaker 1: thin enough to read a newspaper through. So maybe that
Speaker 1: oft used colon prep phrase was just the suggestion of
Speaker 1: like an Italian proctologist. I'm not sure, but past the
Speaker 1: salt and magnesium, your colon is six feet long and
Speaker 1: has a large collection of mucus, intestinal fluids, solid and
Speaker 1: liquid waste, a clean exam is the best way to
Speaker 1: ensure high quality procedure. Colorectal cancer is typically the second
Speaker 1: or third leading cause of cancer mortality in the US.
Speaker 1: I mean, trust me, no matter what happens, or how
Speaker 1: much I'm on the toilet, or how disgusting this stuff is,
Speaker 1: it's not as bad as having a fucking colon cancer.
Speaker 1: So so, most doctors suggest regular screening to start at
Speaker 1: age forty five, but if you have a family history
Speaker 1: of colorectal cancer, you may need to get screened as
Speaker 1: early as your teenage years, And if you have ibs
Speaker 1: or colitis or celiac or something. You might be in
Speaker 1: there for totally different reasons. So I think a lot
Speaker 1: of people might need to do this. The best advice
Speaker 1: would come from someone who's already been through it. So
Speaker 1: I did like the sanest thing that a chill person
Speaker 1: could do, and I brought a recording device to a
Speaker 1: bar on a Saturday night to ask strangers about their butts.
Speaker 1: I think, Okay, now that I'm getting ready to park,
Speaker 1: I'm getting nervous. It's very crowded and everyone looks attractive.
Speaker 1: So maybe this is a bad idea.
Speaker 2: Am I a buzzkill? I might as well? Who the
Speaker 2: fuck cares? People loved?
Speaker 4: Help I'm doing here.
Speaker 1: Seconds into this and I run into people I know
Speaker 1: from my years as a newspaper journalist. They are hip, young,
Speaker 1: They're wearing cool clothes such as leather jackets. I did
Speaker 1: not anticipate this familiar to bask Oh my gosh, I
Speaker 1: just saw you on TikTok the other day.
Speaker 4: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 5: I'm not You're actually forget It's funny I should see
Speaker 5: you guys here. I am not here to meet up
Speaker 5: with anyone.
Speaker 3: I'm here completely alone.
Speaker 4: I think you're here to meet up with us.
Speaker 5: Here's the deal. Husband's out of town.
Speaker 1: Okay, is at a bachelor party.
Speaker 5: I have a colonoscrophy on Monday, and I'm doing an
Speaker 5: episode like a Field Trip episode. I'm like, as long
Speaker 5: as I'm gonna go get my butt probed, I'm gonna make.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna produce.
Speaker 5: I'm going to produce.
Speaker 1: Sure.
Speaker 5: And I was like, I wonder if any anyone would
Speaker 5: give me advice.
Speaker 1: I never had one. That's why I know.
Speaker 6: It's like, you guys should that.
Speaker 3: No, I need to go on the Chadwick died at
Speaker 3: thirty five.
Speaker 1: They say forty, but like a lot of people are
Speaker 1: dying at like thirty.
Speaker 3: I know what coming down cancer.
Speaker 1: I feel like I should get up there. You are
Speaker 1: on the same ship.
Speaker 4: I'm with you.
Speaker 3: I don't want to get this thing at all.
Speaker 5: And then I was like, no one does, so maybe
Speaker 5: a guilty world could be anyone.
Speaker 4: I have a question for you. Yes this is being recorded,
Speaker 4: but I can strike anything from the record. Have you
Speaker 4: ever had a colonoscopy? I have. Do you have any
Speaker 4: advice for anyone who's getting one? Go to Beth Israel.
Speaker 4: That's your only advice. What if they don't have that
Speaker 4: help plan?
Speaker 5: What if you have you actually had I can't be
Speaker 5: saying that, he can't be saying it. Okay, so go
Speaker 5: to a hospital you trust. All right, that's what that's
Speaker 5: what we're going to glean from this.
Speaker 3: Have you guys ever had a kolonoscopy?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 2: Thank god? No move it, alonge.
Speaker 1: I ventured inside toward the bar, so defeated. I just
Speaker 1: got in line and I bought a white wine for courage,
Speaker 1: and it was a clear liquid. I lurked toward the
Speaker 1: back patio to ask strangers about their buttthole. But I
Speaker 1: stumbled into a whole birthday party, like in full swing.
Speaker 6: I don't want to encroach.
Speaker 1: Oh, happy birthday.
Speaker 6: I'm not exciting.
Speaker 1: Birthday, not at all.
Speaker 3: I got wants to talk.
Speaker 1: To me about their buttholes. Then I met an angel.
Speaker 1: Oh wait, have you had.
Speaker 6: A colonoscope before?
Speaker 1: This? Never?
Speaker 6: Okay, this is your first time. So then I would
Speaker 6: use the prep that they give you. But I would
Speaker 6: go to the store. I would go if you can
Speaker 6: tolerate it, seltzer water? How is that on your on
Speaker 6: your red? Okay? So get pit light? Okay, they have
Speaker 6: you know, tons of flavors. I typically like the berry,
Speaker 6: you know, the berry chocolate flavors. They are a little
Speaker 6: bit less sweet, but I cut it. I still cut it,
Speaker 6: and I make kind of like a mocktail about it
Speaker 6: with Seltzer water just because like I actually have ibs
Speaker 6: and like a really bad history of gut health, so
Speaker 6: that just helps cut it. But if you don't have
Speaker 6: seltz or just do like regular water with ice cut it.
Speaker 6: But I would use the prep and the pedia light.
Speaker 6: I wouldn't just.
Speaker 2: Do the prep.
Speaker 6: Okay, it's just like it's it's gross and I'm not
Speaker 6: gonna lie just drinking that for like I mean what
Speaker 6: like twenty four hours. Yeah, and you'll be going to
Speaker 6: the restroom a lot, so it don't make any plants.
Speaker 6: You're just gonna have to be no, but truly you're
Speaker 6: gonna be nesting. I wouldn't make I wouldn't eat a
Speaker 6: two big waits Monday.
Speaker 4: So today tomorrow's my prep day, tomorrow's.
Speaker 6: Your prep day, because I was gonna say, you don't
Speaker 6: want to eat heavily for your last meal, because then
Speaker 6: that will make the day before and worse obviously. Yeah,
Speaker 6: I mean a lot of people just use the prep,
Speaker 6: and they're fine, okay, but from my experience, I just
Speaker 6: like Pedia like better, got a little bit more taste,
Speaker 6: and also it kind of like gives you somebody to
Speaker 6: switch off on. And then for after the procedure, I
Speaker 6: would get another extra bottle of Paedia Light and some Gatorade,
Speaker 6: just anything with electrolytes. So if that's coconut water or whatever,
Speaker 6: bone broth, bone broth is great. I'm just like really
Speaker 6: like nourishing things for the gut.
Speaker 1: You know, Okay, since your body is gathering up a
Speaker 1: bunch of your water and just forcing it out like
Speaker 1: a poop whole powerwasher, you are going to lose electrolytes,
Speaker 1: which will make you feel like death and can be
Speaker 1: potentially bad for you. So replenish during the colony prep,
Speaker 1: and then after it's all done.
Speaker 6: There's now this Gatorade series that is like in a
Speaker 6: square bottle that has less sugar and more electrolyte. So
Speaker 6: if you go the Gatorade raw, I would do that,
Speaker 6: but if you can, Pediolight is always my It's always
Speaker 6: my go to you for.
Speaker 1: That confidence up. I approached a small gaggle of college
Speaker 1: aged athletic looking hunks. Everyone's been like, there's some girl
Speaker 1: like asking about.
Speaker 4: You get a camera.
Speaker 1: One guy's wife hit out a colonoscopy. He knew the deal.
Speaker 1: How was the prep?
Speaker 4: Did she just appear into a toilet for two Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yes, she had to like drink this fucking weird shit.
Speaker 1: So they gave you like a like a prescription of
Speaker 1: some ship shape and that's all you can drink for
Speaker 1: two days.
Speaker 6: Dropped her off.
Speaker 1: And I picked her up, and she was like, that
Speaker 1: was kind of weird.
Speaker 5: I felt it go into my butthole and then I
Speaker 5: fell asleep and.
Speaker 3: It went perfectly.
Speaker 4: I saw this TikTok where this woman was like asked
Speaker 4: her nurse. She's like, is today a good day to
Speaker 4: have butt sex or not? And her nurse is like,
Speaker 4: it's actually not in her head.
Speaker 1: It was just mega poppers. I will say that one
Speaker 1: of those guys turned out to be an ologies listener,
Speaker 1: and then we sent a video to his brother, so
Speaker 1: I may have redeemed myself. Hey, but let's circle back
Speaker 1: real quick just to butt sex. Sorry everyone turn this
Speaker 1: down if your mom or my mom is listening, whatever,
Speaker 1: but public service announcement so you don't have to have
Speaker 1: surgical grade colon cleansing to have fun things up your butt. Realistically,
Speaker 1: penetrating for playtime only happens in the lower end of
Speaker 1: the colon, this sigmoid portion, and unless you are like
Speaker 1: actively retaining a turd in there, the rectum should be
Speaker 1: clear of poop because all of that is housed a
Speaker 1: bit farther up in the colon. But there exists anal douches,
Speaker 1: some of them very sexy looking. They're like a rubber bulb,
Speaker 1: and they also make shower head but cleaning nozzles. And
Speaker 1: I look this up for us, and the general proctological
Speaker 1: protocol is to like put a leg on the toilet
Speaker 1: or do it in the shower, take lukewarm water, suck
Speaker 1: it in the bulb, squeeze the air out and then
Speaker 1: intro that into the bomb and squirt the water, but
Speaker 1: not too much water, not too far or you're gonna
Speaker 1: hit the storage area. You feel me, so a couple
Speaker 1: of times, not too much water, not too forcefully. Then
Speaker 1: to the toilet or I guess the shower. You go,
Speaker 1: let it out, repeat a couple of times until things
Speaker 1: are solid free. However, you can upset the balance of
Speaker 1: your poop shoot and you can wash out protective slippery
Speaker 1: stuff in there, and also so things can continue to
Speaker 1: drip or bubble out for about half an hour. So
Speaker 1: in researching this for US, I paid a visit to
Speaker 1: the Reddit forum Ask gay Bros. And one person who's
Speaker 1: a nurse and a bottom said that the best way
Speaker 1: to douche is not at all. Eat a high fiber
Speaker 1: diet the day before you're planning on bottoming, and the
Speaker 1: day of have a satisfactory BM. Then hop in the
Speaker 1: tub and sit in some warm water. Let your muscles
Speaker 1: loosen up. Gently, insert either your point or middle finger
Speaker 1: into your buttthole, swirl it around and bring it out
Speaker 1: and clean out your finger. Other folks said, so that's
Speaker 1: another way. Not enough for colonoscopy, but if you're thinking
Speaker 1: about butt sex advice from an elder. Other folks said
Speaker 1: that solium husk or meta mucile and staying hydrated will
Speaker 1: naturally keep things tidy for your anal adventures, go slow
Speaker 1: if you love it, lubit and be safe. HPB is
Speaker 1: a sexually transmitted infection that can cause anal cancer, so
Speaker 1: consider that another good reason to wrap it up so
Speaker 1: you don't need medical grade coldscopy prep for butt fun
Speaker 1: and also the day of your kolonoscopy is not a
Speaker 1: good time for that. But the biggest lesson here is
Speaker 1: never ever equate a medical procedure with a sexual identity
Speaker 1: or with behavior that you think your community would frown on.
Speaker 1: First off, contending adults can do whatever they want and
Speaker 1: it's none of anyone's business. Secondly, these long held stigmas
Speaker 1: against parts of your own body could kill you if
Speaker 1: you're too shy or ashamed to get a screening. And
Speaker 1: also being afraid of your own butthole is a senseless
Speaker 1: deprivation of free fund. See the Urology and Sexology episode
Speaker 1: for more anal stuff and prostate mlking. You're welcome, it's
Speaker 1: your house. You deserve to use a backdoor any way
Speaker 1: you like. But yes, in all, I got good advice
Speaker 1: from one person. I made some new friends. I made
Speaker 1: others uncomfortable, but hopefully this episode will find them when
Speaker 1: they need it. But I feel like you maybe have
Speaker 1: kicked me and the asset enough.
Speaker 5: To know what I and you know what Glen you zoo.
Speaker 5: They'll be an episode of waiting to rec all the
Speaker 5: tips and tricks.
Speaker 1: So armed with advice and maybe too much googling, I
Speaker 1: went to Target the next morning, my official prep day
Speaker 1: before the procedure, to stock up on selzer water and
Speaker 1: electro lights, things to flavor my water, like those Meo
Speaker 1: drops dolcalacs per the doctor's orders. I got some probiotics,
Speaker 1: I got some mega rolls of the softest toilet paper
Speaker 1: and diapers, and I had a full cart. And I
Speaker 1: looked up from my gruesome shopping list to see a
Speaker 1: man I had dated over ten years ago, and he
Speaker 1: was with his beautiful blonde wife and their two perfect children.
Speaker 1: And we all made eye contact and I offered a
Speaker 1: quick hey, man, how's it going you guys have a
Speaker 1: great day ka, And then I ducked into the soup
Speaker 1: aisle and I sprinted to the checkout. I went so
Speaker 1: like I was on Guy Fieri's grocery Games, Take it
Speaker 1: to the Judges. I got home, I unloaded my loot.
Speaker 1: After the break, we're going to taste us that. But first,
Speaker 1: a quick word from sponsors of the show, who make
Speaker 1: it possible to donate to a cause each week, and
Speaker 1: this week I'm doing something a little different. A close
Speaker 1: friend of mine actually was just diagnosed with colon cancer
Speaker 1: early forties. He has three kids and is getting surgery
Speaker 1: on April seventeenth. So the money that we send to
Speaker 1: a charity, I'm just going to send his way to
Speaker 1: help with whatever he needs to be a little bit
Speaker 1: more comfortable. So thanks to sponsors of the show. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's grab my gallon for a vacation to toilet town.
Speaker 3: This is pretty much like a what is the jug
Speaker 3: to the tin streak? A board, just a quick side.
Speaker 1: So a BORG stands for a black out rage gallon,
Speaker 1: and it's something that the youth are doing for their
Speaker 1: nocturnal social festivities. So you take a gallon of water,
Speaker 1: you pourse them out, and then you add your alcohol
Speaker 1: of choice, then flavorings, electrolyte, or vitamin packs and you
Speaker 1: shake it up and then you give it a name
Speaker 1: like a sour dough starter. You can write it in sharpie.
Speaker 1: And I know, carrying a Blackoutrage gallon, having your own borg,
Speaker 1: it sounds terrifying to people who are like imagining their
Speaker 1: children in college carrying one hundred and twenty eight ounces
Speaker 1: of blackout Rage tonic. But when compared to yester Year's
Speaker 1: rubber made trash cans full of mystery jungle juice, a
Speaker 1: BORG can be a really good thing for harm reduction.
Speaker 1: It can ensure hydration, it sets an upper threshold of
Speaker 1: alcohol consumption. It's got a sealed lid that's less likely
Speaker 1: to be spiked or drugged, and people can choose not
Speaker 1: to add any alcohol and no one will know or judge.
Speaker 1: So thanks gen Z, you're fixing everything. Now that I'm
Speaker 1: thinking of it as a borg I'm actually excited about it.
Speaker 1: I feel like I got a lot of the items
Speaker 1: a person borging might.
Speaker 3: Get, like the electrolyte drops.
Speaker 1: I definitely purchased more diverse than your average tailgator.
Speaker 3: I gotta name my board. Where are shits? I'm just
Speaker 3: so stoked about getting hydrated.
Speaker 1: If this weren't immediately coming out of my penus, here
Speaker 1: are some of our options. So I'm gonna do this unflavored,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna try a couple of them.
Speaker 3: Clamorings were good. It's gonna be so fun. I'm so excited.
Speaker 3: This doesn't be delicious.
Speaker 1: I got some little glasses and I lined them up
Speaker 1: for a taste test, a flight, if you will.
Speaker 3: So I got crystal light.
Speaker 1: I got some of this meo stuff which I've seen
Speaker 1: people put in their box and then this comes with
Speaker 1: this flavor pack of lemon, which I hear is like
Speaker 1: pretty dross, but I'm gonna try a little bit of
Speaker 1: it in one of the cups. I will say, from
Speaker 1: my experience of having a few people in my life
Speaker 1: dive colon cancer, no matter what this tastes like, it's
Speaker 1: better than getting colon cancer.
Speaker 3: Because here's the thing, if you get colon cancer, you
Speaker 3: have to do this even more.
Speaker 1: You're better off doing it one time, having them snip
Speaker 1: off polyp, and then not.
Speaker 3: Having to do this every time your cancer returns.
Speaker 1: Okay, let's row dog it first, just unflavored, straight up.
Speaker 2: Let's see.
Speaker 1: Let's see what we're dealing with.
Speaker 3: Okay, here it is clean. Okay, but yeah, it tastes
Speaker 3: like salty plastic.
Speaker 1: Let's try this Meo flavoring, which comes in a little
Speaker 1: bottle that you squeeze, and remember nothing red or purple.
Speaker 1: I got like a lemon lime flavor. Too much, I
Speaker 1: used too much. Oh god, it tastes like gaseation bathroom cleaner.
Speaker 1: Clearly my percentages.
Speaker 3: Is off, so I can do this. Though this is
Speaker 3: this is not as.
Speaker 1: Gross To say that the fear was definitely worse than
Speaker 1: than the flavs. Just me an a medically issued gallon
Speaker 1: jug of salt water that I'm cradling in my arms.
Speaker 3: Thanks for helping me clean my clue. All right, I'm
Speaker 3: already filming some rumblings. I can do this. I've had
Speaker 3: cocktails that it's a lot worse than us.
Speaker 1: If this tastes like margarita, Max actually like if you
Speaker 1: have a lot of salt on the rim, it's pretty
Speaker 1: much just a virgin margarita that will make you absolutely
Speaker 1: like shait your organs out. Okay, let's try it with
Speaker 1: the pharmacy issued lemon flavor packet, in which I have
Speaker 1: no faith.
Speaker 3: That's I'm good. I don't like that.
Speaker 1: That tastes like licking velvet. It's kind of viscosity. That
Speaker 1: doesn't please me. Okay, so we tried the plane, we
Speaker 1: tried the meal and the prescription issued flavor packet. Now
Speaker 1: let's try a sample with some crystal light lemonade and
Speaker 1: see if we can do this.
Speaker 3: That's so far the winner. That's good. I can do this.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put it over more ice down the hatch, peebes,
Speaker 1: down the hatch and down the hole. So after all
Speaker 1: that fuss, all that complaining, all the whining, all the fear,
Speaker 1: all the talking to strangers, it was so much easier
Speaker 1: than I expected. I drank the salty lemonade. I alternated
Speaker 1: with a few quarts of to go fub broth from
Speaker 1: a local Vietnamese place, which was clutch ten out of ten.
Speaker 1: Get some of your favorite to go broth, definitely worth it.
Speaker 1: And yeah, yeah, I spent some time on the toilet
Speaker 1: all right, but not as much as I thought at all.
Speaker 1: And I think the low fiber diet in the week
Speaker 1: proceeding and the really light meals on Saturday helped my
Speaker 1: Sunday prep day. And then I got to pick out afterward,
Speaker 1: so definitely consider that if you can.
Speaker 6: So.
Speaker 1: Then it was off to the appointment early Monday morning.
Speaker 1: Here we go. It's showtime, Oka Hospital. Seven am. I'm
Speaker 1: wearing diapers full disclosure, I didn't chance it. And now
Speaker 1: I'm getting into my hospital down. I'm in a room
Speaker 1: with a bunch of screens. This is where the magic happens.
Speaker 1: My gown's very open in the back, commando underneath it.
Speaker 1: I could keep my socks on, though that rules. This
Speaker 1: is not an easy way to earn a nap.
Speaker 3: I gotta say, men are to just take a nap.
Speaker 2: We're one, two, three, four or five, six, seven eight
Speaker 2: screens in this room. They're gonna see some shit, hopefully
Speaker 2: you real shit.
Speaker 1: Okay, they're gonna dose me up soon. I really should
Speaker 1: have left it rolling, and tbh, I was worried that
Speaker 1: it was illegal. So they pumped a few little vials
Speaker 1: into my ivy and like within a minute, I started
Speaker 1: to go night night. Right as I was going out,
Speaker 1: I was like, whoops, there's a chili lubed up tube
Speaker 1: going ride up my bungus And I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I thought you'd wait till I was fully out, But okay,
Speaker 1: I didn't miss the big moment, but I kind of
Speaker 1: I was out pretty much completely. I kind of roused
Speaker 1: a few times during being like, oh, it was like
Speaker 1: just having like a really gentle dream about curious aliens.
Speaker 1: Before I knew it, it was all over. It happened
Speaker 1: in a flash and I was just groggly coming back
Speaker 1: to life.
Speaker 2: I heard I did it, and I woked up to
Speaker 2: some monitors and machines. I think they gave me.
Speaker 1: Pro bol.
Speaker 2: Proof and to all. I'm not sure, but it was
Speaker 2: definitely an apptime A couple times. In the middle of it,
Speaker 2: I was like, wellly, some people love my butt right now,
Speaker 2: but I'm so hungry. And they snipped off a pollup.
Speaker 2: They said, see you in five years, lady. And now
Speaker 2: I guess I put on the dibray came in with
Speaker 2: and I go get something delicious, see l d R.
Speaker 2: It really wasn't that bad. Drugs help Crystallite and fentanyl
Speaker 2: or whatever they've got me on, those are the real VIPs.
Speaker 1: So it turns out, according to my post procedure report,
Speaker 1: I was actually on a combination of me paradine and medazolam.
Speaker 1: And according to the twenty twenty study comparison of fentanyl
Speaker 1: versus me paradine in combination with medaza lamb for sedative
Speaker 1: colonoscopy in Korea, fentanyl will knock you out faster but
Speaker 1: has a longer recovery time, like extra ten minutes. Also,
Speaker 1: my post report had pictures of my colon and that
Speaker 1: was a great souvenir and it said that my colon
Speaker 1: prep was excellent. However, here's the news you're waiting for.
Speaker 1: They did find a poll up up there a two
Speaker 1: millimeter growth way far into my large intestine, and the
Speaker 1: beauty of the colonoscopy is that they can snip those
Speaker 1: little ones out as long as they're in there, So
Speaker 1: you get a two fur, you get a bogo there,
Speaker 1: and they did, and they sent it to pathology and
Speaker 1: it came back pre cancerous. So your girl did her homework,
Speaker 1: drank herborg, had an intestinal exorcism, and then saved your
Speaker 1: own life by getting that thing plucked like a little
Speaker 1: lint ball before it turned into a colon poultery geist.
Speaker 1: So all's well, that ends well. In all, it was
Speaker 1: way easier to prep than I thought. The procedure was fine.
Speaker 1: I didn't even need the die I was wearing, and
Speaker 1: I got rid of something that could have turned into
Speaker 1: cancer in a few years. But I do have to
Speaker 1: go back in five years. Also. When it was over,
Speaker 1: because you're not allowed to drive for the day, Jarrett
Speaker 1: picked me back up and we went to a diner
Speaker 1: and I got a breakfast bratto and I was so hungry.
Speaker 1: I also got banana pancakes and it was the tastiest
Speaker 1: meal I can remember. So ask not what your butt
Speaker 1: can do for you, but what you can do for
Speaker 1: your butt. Get screened if you need to drive a
Speaker 1: friend to theirs, eat well, get your checkups, treat your
Speaker 1: bod like the friend that it is now. Thank you
Speaker 1: for coming along on this journey with me. It wasn't
Speaker 1: an easy one to make. It's a little vulnerable, but
Speaker 1: I hope it helps someone. And honestly, if you have
Speaker 1: to get a COLONOSK, we do not be afraid of it.
Speaker 1: It's not as bad at all as anyone says. Just
Speaker 1: throw some lemon crystal light in there, chug it down,
Speaker 1: get a book you know, good luck and let me
Speaker 1: know how goos. I'll post pictures of my bork on
Speaker 1: Instagram at ologies. We're also on Twitter at ologies. I'm
Speaker 1: on instagm and Twitter at Ali Ward and on TikTok
Speaker 1: at Ali underscore Ologies. Thank you to Aaron Talbert, who
Speaker 1: admins Theologies podcast Facebook group with a syst from Shannonfelds
Speaker 1: and Body Dutch. Thank you to Emily White of the Wordery,
Speaker 1: who makes professional transcriptssmologies are available their short kid friendly
Speaker 1: versions up at alliward dot com slash smologies that is
Speaker 1: linked in the show notes. Thank you to Mercedes Maitland
Speaker 1: and Secredriguez Thomas for working on those Susan Hale Handle's
Speaker 1: ologies merch dot com, which has shirts and hats and
Speaker 1: bags and tots and all kinds of things, and she
Speaker 1: does so much more. Noel Dilworth does our scheduling, including
Speaker 1: scheduling and rescheduling my colonoscopy. Kelly ar Dwyer makes our website.
Speaker 1: Mercedes Maitland usually lead edits but other medical news. She
Speaker 1: is COVID struck this week, so send her your good
Speaker 1: vibes as well, and stepping in for her and hauling
Speaker 1: my actual ass to the hospital. For this episode, the
Speaker 1: hung Tacular Jarrett Sleeper, who himself got a colonoscopy not
Speaker 1: the same day but previous to mine, and was adorable
Speaker 1: waking up from fentanel Nick Thorburn wrote the music And
Speaker 1: if you stick around, I'll tell you a secret. And
Speaker 1: like this whole episode was TMI and I don't think
Speaker 1: anyone is hungry for am I, But in case you are,
Speaker 1: this one's from my dad. I remember he finally did
Speaker 1: have to get a colonoscopy, and he had to take
Speaker 1: the prep and everything, and I remember him saying, my
Speaker 1: dad was a very reserved person that didn't talk about
Speaker 1: this stuff very much clearly. But I remember him saying
Speaker 1: that he's like man, I saw a sandwich I ate
Speaker 1: nineteen seventy three and it made me laugh. And I
Speaker 1: thought about that, and I hope that that stays with you.
Speaker 1: And so if you need to get a colonoscopy, you
Speaker 1: do it for my pop. I miss him every day.
Speaker 1: You can do this. You got this. We're behind you. Okay,
Speaker 1: bye bye.
Speaker 2: Just let it out.