WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.080 Brunch used to be our thing. The little cafe on 2 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:10.560 Oak and twenty fourth, somen coming through warped old windows, 3 00:00:10.919 --> 00:00:14.080 Julia flicking foam from her cappuccino onto my wrist and 4 00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:17.640 laughing when I pretended to mind. Now a year later, 5 00:00:18.079 --> 00:00:21.120 Sundays feel like an old photograph. I'm half embarrassed to 6 00:00:21.160 --> 00:00:24.640 remember to day. She's sitting across from me, wearing a 7 00:00:24.679 --> 00:00:27.839 pale blue running jacket zipped up to her neck, even 8 00:00:27.879 --> 00:00:32.200 though it's past seventy outside. Her phone sits face down 9 00:00:32.240 --> 00:00:35.759 near her, coffee, buzzing once twice, then vibrating for a 10 00:00:35.759 --> 00:00:38.880 good ten seconds. With a call, She glances at it, 11 00:00:39.159 --> 00:00:41.799 mouth pulling tight for a half second, then offers a 12 00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:45.079 careful sorry, I need to grab this work, I think. 13 00:00:45.880 --> 00:00:48.520 She slides out of the booth before I can say anything, 14 00:00:48.960 --> 00:00:51.759 leaving the phone and its bright pink case sitting in 15 00:00:51.799 --> 00:00:55.439 that awkward patch of silence. I watch as she steps 16 00:00:55.439 --> 00:00:58.200 through the front door, tucking a headphone into her ear, 17 00:00:58.359 --> 00:01:01.759 her shoulders stiff. She's out there for ten minutes, pacing 18 00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:05.680 along the sidewalk, face animated at times, other times still 19 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:08.439 the kind of half conversation you only have when you 20 00:01:08.480 --> 00:01:11.400 trust the other person to listen more than talk. I 21 00:01:11.480 --> 00:01:14.200 keep spooning sugar into my coffee, just to give my 22 00:01:14.319 --> 00:01:17.760 hands something to do. Across the room, two women my 23 00:01:17.879 --> 00:01:22.840 age collapse into giggles, heads almost touching. I remember Julia 24 00:01:22.959 --> 00:01:27.200 like that, warm, unguarded, even with me, at least most 25 00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:30.239 of the time. Now I can't remember the last time 26 00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:34.680 she laughed so freely, especially with just me. She comes 27 00:01:34.719 --> 00:01:37.439 back in, eyes scanning the room, and offers a quick 28 00:01:37.480 --> 00:01:41.519 apology client trouble, she says, sitting dabbing at her brow 29 00:01:41.560 --> 00:01:45.560 with a napkin. It's nothing. Her voice's off flat, too quick. 30 00:01:45.879 --> 00:01:48.480 There's a trace of sweat on her forehead, which fits 31 00:01:48.519 --> 00:01:51.120 the late June morning, but not for her. Maybe she 32 00:01:51.200 --> 00:01:54.319 jogged outside while on the call. Or maybe I'm inventing 33 00:01:54.359 --> 00:01:57.120 patterns now, like some one who wants something to be wrong, 34 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:00.560 just so he's not alone in feeling it. The rest 35 00:02:00.599 --> 00:02:03.920 of brunch is a polite shadow dance. She asks about 36 00:02:03.920 --> 00:02:07.719 my latest freelance project, nodding through my answer, picking at 37 00:02:07.719 --> 00:02:10.919 her toast distractedly. I watch her try to check her 38 00:02:10.960 --> 00:02:14.680 phone while pretending not to. Each vibration makes her twitch, 39 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:18.639 until finally, with a small sigh, she silences it and 40 00:02:18.759 --> 00:02:22.840 slides it inside her bag. The check comes. When I 41 00:02:22.879 --> 00:02:25.960 reach for my wallet, I noticed Julia's Jim water bottle, 42 00:02:26.280 --> 00:02:29.599 one of those gallant size motivational types with time stamps 43 00:02:29.599 --> 00:02:33.280 on the side, Keep going in neon purple. I don't 44 00:02:33.319 --> 00:02:36.159 remember her bringing it this morning. There's a yoga mat 45 00:02:36.199 --> 00:02:38.919 sticking out of her tote, rolled tight, the kind she 46 00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:41.599 usually leaves in the hall closet, under a loose pile 47 00:02:41.639 --> 00:02:44.159 of scarves. She used to make fun of people who 48 00:02:44.199 --> 00:02:48.280 carried their whole fitness persona with them to brunch, big 49 00:02:48.360 --> 00:02:52.120 plans afterwards. I ask, trying to sound casual, but my 50 00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:57.479 voice comes out small and reedy. She blinks just slightly. Yeah, 51 00:02:57.879 --> 00:02:59.879 thought i'd hit up a class before I get stuck 52 00:02:59.879 --> 00:03:05.000 with emails all afternoon, killing two birds, you know, I nod, 53 00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:07.759 but I'm not sure what birds she's really aiming for. 54 00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:12.039 We step outside into the soft, noisy heat, and Julia 55 00:03:12.120 --> 00:03:14.879 plants a swift kiss on my cheek before heading in 56 00:03:14.919 --> 00:03:18.759 the opposite direction. I should text you later, she says, 57 00:03:19.159 --> 00:03:21.879 words fluttering in that way they do when she's already 58 00:03:21.879 --> 00:03:26.039 half way somewhere else. I walk home alone. The city 59 00:03:26.039 --> 00:03:29.719 feels unfamiliar, slower, more distant. For the first time in 60 00:03:29.759 --> 00:03:32.560 a while, I noticed the thin space between us, and 61 00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:34.639 I wonder if it grew overnight or if it's been 62 00:03:34.719 --> 00:03:39.400 quietly splitting open in tiny cracks I never bothered to notice. Absently, 63 00:03:39.479 --> 00:03:41.919 I catch sight of my own reflection in a dusty 64 00:03:41.960 --> 00:03:45.800 car window, slouching a little, lips pressed together, and think, 65 00:03:46.240 --> 00:03:49.680 maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm inventing distance because I 66 00:03:49.759 --> 00:03:55.159 hate change. Julia's always had more appetite for new things, skydiving, 67 00:03:55.479 --> 00:03:59.800 strange food group classes. Maybe I'm the static one, or 68 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:03.680 wanting the old rituals to protect us from change. But 69 00:04:03.759 --> 00:04:06.879 as I trudge upstairs to our apartment, a flicker of 70 00:04:07.000 --> 00:04:11.319 unease settles in sharper than anything I can name. We 71 00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:14.599 built our life by accident, but it worked. We met 72 00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:18.399 at a birthday party for Hannah, a crammed bar, neon drinks, 73 00:04:18.680 --> 00:04:23.360 someone's playlist looping Billie Eilish on repeat. Julia showed up late, 74 00:04:23.720 --> 00:04:26.399 slinging jokes at the bar tender, and I knew she'd 75 00:04:26.439 --> 00:04:30.000 make any room lopsided if she wanted. I wasn't a 76 00:04:30.079 --> 00:04:34.439 risk taker, not really, but with her small adventures felt safe. 77 00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:37.959 Bar hopping on a Tuesday midnight bus rides to nowhere, 78 00:04:38.240 --> 00:04:41.240 imprompt you road trips with nothing but a dented YETI 79 00:04:41.319 --> 00:04:45.680 cooler and her old dsl R. The first year was bumpy. 80 00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:48.240 We made up and broke up more than once before 81 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:51.839 settling into something like balance. We got married at the 82 00:04:51.879 --> 00:04:55.439 court House, then through our own party with rented folding tables, 83 00:04:55.560 --> 00:04:58.839 bad wine, and every odd ball friend we had. If 84 00:04:58.839 --> 00:05:01.319 there are rules to being to get, we never agreed 85 00:05:01.360 --> 00:05:04.639 on them. We just layered small, stupid rituals over time. 86 00:05:05.079 --> 00:05:08.920 Friday night pizza with whatever movie was trending, Sunday brunches, 87 00:05:09.160 --> 00:05:12.879 a standing New Year's trip somewhere warm. We always said 88 00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:16.199 we'd skip kids, travel more, and never let work take 89 00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:20.879 over completely. Julia's job as an event planner sometimes meant 90 00:05:20.879 --> 00:05:24.560 wild hours, phone calls at dinner, and a growing collection 91 00:05:24.639 --> 00:05:28.319 of trade show swag in the closet. I've always freelanced 92 00:05:28.319 --> 00:05:31.639 as a graphic designer, enough gigs to pay for rent 93 00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:36.000 and the occasional splurge, occasional dry spells that never scared 94 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:41.480 us too much. Most people imagine we are opposites. Julia outgoing, me, quieter, 95 00:05:41.800 --> 00:05:44.800 happier to watch than star but we met in the middle. 96 00:05:45.079 --> 00:05:47.639 I let her draw me into crowded rooms. She let 97 00:05:47.720 --> 00:05:49.399 me show her how to do nothing at all on 98 00:05:49.439 --> 00:05:52.800 a gray morning. We argued plenty, but they felt like 99 00:05:52.920 --> 00:05:57.360 border negotiations, not bombs. She liked to push me herself. 100 00:05:57.480 --> 00:06:01.120 Our circle of friends Julie A jumped at new hobbies 101 00:06:01.160 --> 00:06:06.279 every few months, tarot cards, kickboxing, improv comedy, and memorable 102 00:06:06.319 --> 00:06:09.680 flop the year of pottery class, which ended in a 103 00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:14.399 closet full of misshapen mugs. Me. I liked repetition. I 104 00:06:14.519 --> 00:06:17.040 like knowing what we do Friday and what left overs 105 00:06:17.079 --> 00:06:19.839 would be in the fridge come Monday. My friends joke 106 00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:22.680 that I grow roots. If not for Julia, she'd smile 107 00:06:22.759 --> 00:06:25.800 and say I need one foot on solid ground and 108 00:06:25.839 --> 00:06:29.160 one hanging off a cliff. That didn't scare me at first. 109 00:06:29.480 --> 00:06:32.600 If I'm honest, it still doesn't. What does scare me 110 00:06:32.720 --> 00:06:35.040 is the idea she might want a hand pulling her up, 111 00:06:35.199 --> 00:06:38.680 and I'm not the one she calls lately. The ritual's 112 00:06:38.720 --> 00:06:42.199 fray Friday Night's turn into I'm wiped may be another time, 113 00:06:42.600 --> 00:06:46.240 and our tight knit friend group Hannah, Rachel, Ethan Leela 114 00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:49.839 see us at fewer house parties, more Sunday updates over 115 00:06:49.879 --> 00:06:53.160 group chat than over drinks. We traded in novelty for 116 00:06:53.199 --> 00:06:56.879 what we called responsible adulthood, but in truth, I just 117 00:06:56.920 --> 00:07:01.720 want the lazy, light old version back. Julia's parents aren't close, 118 00:07:02.040 --> 00:07:05.519 holiday cards and awkward dinner invites every third month, but 119 00:07:05.560 --> 00:07:08.399 we're lucky not to rely on them. Her father asks 120 00:07:08.399 --> 00:07:11.759 about my work out of obligation. Her mother, chilly but polite, 121 00:07:12.040 --> 00:07:16.160 never really let Julia be wild at home. My own sister, Andrea, 122 00:07:16.279 --> 00:07:20.160 is five years younger, single, and rly fascinated by how 123 00:07:20.360 --> 00:07:23.199 functional Julia and I seem, as if she's waiting for 124 00:07:23.240 --> 00:07:26.879 the secret mess to emerge. For years, nothing got under 125 00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:30.920 our skin too deeply. I still believe that most of 126 00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:35.079 the time. But now it feels like small fractures propagate 127 00:07:35.120 --> 00:07:38.240 along the quiet surface of our home. Not enough to 128 00:07:38.279 --> 00:07:42.199 call it broken. Most wouldn't notice, but enough that if 129 00:07:42.199 --> 00:07:46.720 you traced each line, you'd spot a pattern. Thursday morning 130 00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:49.920 comes gray and slick with rain. I'm startled out of 131 00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:53.199 dreamless sleep by the muted sound of the bedroom door shutting. 132 00:07:53.800 --> 00:07:57.199 I fumble for my phone five forty a m. I 133 00:07:57.279 --> 00:08:00.240 wander to the kitchen, half asleep, tripping a for a 134 00:08:00.279 --> 00:08:03.560 stray sneaker Julia must have left in the dark. The 135 00:08:03.560 --> 00:08:06.720 smell of her shower gel lingers in the hallway, fresh 136 00:08:06.759 --> 00:08:10.639 and floral. Her usual travel mug is sitting on the counter, 137 00:08:11.000 --> 00:08:14.439 washed but not used. She never forgets that mug. She's 138 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:17.959 compulsively routine about her coffee, something she started the year 139 00:08:18.040 --> 00:08:22.480 she switched jobs. I instinctively checked my phone, opening Instagram 140 00:08:22.519 --> 00:08:26.759 with sleepy thumbs. Julia's story is up, a distant, grainy 141 00:08:26.839 --> 00:08:31.000 shot through sun streaked windows and neon signage reading pulse zone, 142 00:08:31.480 --> 00:08:36.480 no faces, no location tag. Around seven, she comes home, 143 00:08:36.759 --> 00:08:40.080 cheeks dewy with sweat, hair swept up, jim bag clattering 144 00:08:40.120 --> 00:08:42.879 as she sets it down. She pauses when she sees 145 00:08:42.879 --> 00:08:46.720 me awake, then tilts her chin in a stretch. Hi, babe, 146 00:08:46.960 --> 00:08:49.960 she says, grinning too wide. Look at you up with 147 00:08:50.039 --> 00:08:53.679 the birds. For a second, I almost believe it's real. 148 00:08:54.320 --> 00:08:57.840 Then she's off to the bathroom, door locked, shower on full. 149 00:08:58.480 --> 00:09:02.759 She emerges a quarter hour later, smelling faintly artificial, as 150 00:09:02.799 --> 00:09:07.279 if she's washed away the whole morning. Good class, I ask, 151 00:09:07.639 --> 00:09:11.639 looping a dish towel through my fingers. She nods, briskly 152 00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:16.000 looking past me. Killer the instructor's a maniac. Let me 153 00:09:16.039 --> 00:09:20.279 know if you want a protein pancake. I snort. She laughs, 154 00:09:20.360 --> 00:09:23.639 but it feels more like punctuation than amusement. I check 155 00:09:23.679 --> 00:09:27.120 the trash, not out of suspicion, just habit, and notice 156 00:09:27.120 --> 00:09:30.360 a receipt from a gym called Iron Works. I glance 157 00:09:30.399 --> 00:09:33.320 at it twice. It lists an addressed two neighborhoods away 158 00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:36.120 across the city from us, near places we never go. 159 00:09:36.679 --> 00:09:39.200 Julia has always stuck to routines she could walk to 160 00:09:39.399 --> 00:09:42.960 or bike, hating early morning train commutes, I go all 161 00:09:42.960 --> 00:09:46.399 the way across town for an energy boost. I hold 162 00:09:46.440 --> 00:09:48.279 on to that receipt for the rest of the day. 163 00:09:48.600 --> 00:09:52.440 I'm sure if it means anything. Maybe she changed routines. 164 00:09:52.879 --> 00:09:57.200 Maybe I'm so bored. I see patterns in shadows. That night, 165 00:09:57.240 --> 00:10:00.240 around nine, we eat dinner in the living room, lay 166 00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:03.759 stew and boxed wine. Julia's phone dings in her lap. 167 00:10:04.080 --> 00:10:06.919 She glances at its, smirks, then covers the screen with 168 00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:10.720 her palm. It's the class group chat, she says, stifling 169 00:10:10.759 --> 00:10:15.240 a giggle. We're sharing old workout memes. You'd hate them. 170 00:10:15.679 --> 00:10:19.120 She doesn't offer to show me, I don't ask. The 171 00:10:19.159 --> 00:10:21.960 next few weeks take on a new shape. Julia's early 172 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:25.440 wake ups become routine, three four days a week. She 173 00:10:25.519 --> 00:10:28.440 shuffles out the door before six, comes home around eight, 174 00:10:28.679 --> 00:10:31.399 flush with energy, and showers before saying much to me 175 00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:35.159 at all. Dinners get shorter. Movie nights become maybe tomorrow. 176 00:10:35.200 --> 00:10:38.399 I'm wrecked. When I half joke about joining her workouts, 177 00:10:38.440 --> 00:10:42.240 she says, honestly, it's not really your speed. Too sweaty, 178 00:10:42.279 --> 00:10:44.919 too loud. I kind of like having a weird little 179 00:10:44.919 --> 00:10:48.600 group that's just mine right now. She pats my arm, 180 00:10:49.000 --> 00:10:53.320 gentle but dismissive her old circle. The people who once 181 00:10:53.360 --> 00:10:56.600 filled our living room on Friday nights are slowly replaced 182 00:10:56.600 --> 00:11:00.120 in conversation by new names, new stories. Julia fishes out 183 00:11:00.200 --> 00:11:03.440 like bright pebbles, Crissy at the front row, Sarah, who 184 00:11:03.480 --> 00:11:06.919 lifts like the Hulk, bend the trainer with his outrageous lunges. 185 00:11:07.600 --> 00:11:11.000 I learned these people's quirks exclusively through Julia's out loud 186 00:11:11.360 --> 00:11:15.480 late night recaps, never in person. She never invites me along, 187 00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:19.919 never suggests a post class meal or mingling. Why don't 188 00:11:19.919 --> 00:11:23.320 you ever bring your new friends around? I ask, loading 189 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:27.480 the dishwasher one Thursday night. She hesitates with a mug 190 00:11:27.559 --> 00:11:31.399 poised over the sink, eyes flickering, Oh you know, I 191 00:11:31.480 --> 00:11:35.120 barely know them outside class. Besides, don't you prefer our 192 00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:39.279 lazy nights to endless small talk? I let that hang 193 00:11:39.799 --> 00:11:42.639 in the other room. I hear her phone vibrate, a 194 00:11:42.720 --> 00:11:46.600 more aggressive buzz than before. One night, I passed by 195 00:11:46.639 --> 00:11:50.240 our guest room, meaning to grab my tape measure. Julia 196 00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:54.399 Essen there, bathed in low gold light, laptop open, head bent, 197 00:11:54.600 --> 00:11:58.320 her voice low and quick. Ben, just stop, I'll text 198 00:11:58.360 --> 00:12:01.480 you in an hour. I hear her laugh softly away. 199 00:12:01.559 --> 00:12:04.879 I haven't heard her laugh in months. The name Ben 200 00:12:05.039 --> 00:12:08.600 catches me. It's too casual. Dropped mid sentence. But when 201 00:12:08.600 --> 00:12:12.480 I appear in the doorway, she jumps er work drama. 202 00:12:12.840 --> 00:12:15.879 She says, with weak bravado. You'd think people would let 203 00:12:15.879 --> 00:12:19.399 me off the clock to pee. Sure I manage the 204 00:12:19.480 --> 00:12:23.360 question stuck to my tongue. She laughs again, But now 205 00:12:23.399 --> 00:12:26.960 it's brittle. She closes her laptop, smoothing her hair with 206 00:12:27.039 --> 00:12:31.200 automatic fingers. Let's do that podcast thing. You keep promising 207 00:12:31.559 --> 00:12:35.279 I could use a distraction. We lay side by side 208 00:12:35.279 --> 00:12:38.600 on the couch. Audio streaming, neither of us really listening. 209 00:12:39.039 --> 00:12:42.159 Her phone buzzes six times that hour, and every time 210 00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:45.320 she silences it. At one point, I see a preview 211 00:12:45.360 --> 00:12:49.279 flash across the lock screen. B you in Friday, got 212 00:12:49.279 --> 00:12:52.519 your favs Smoothie. She flips the phone out of sight 213 00:12:52.600 --> 00:12:56.320 before I can comment. I'm wandering in my own head now, 214 00:12:56.519 --> 00:13:00.440 tailing her in thought, feeling foolish, but not without reason. 215 00:13:01.480 --> 00:13:04.279 Laundry day comes and I pull out a sweatshirt one 216 00:13:04.279 --> 00:13:07.360 I've never seen before, emblazoned with a Jim logo, that 217 00:13:07.399 --> 00:13:10.840 doesn't look like any of Julia's usual haunts. It's oversized, 218 00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:14.480 a faded navy with a faint citrus scent. Julia claims, 219 00:13:14.480 --> 00:13:17.919 barely looking. Oh, that's Crissy's. She forgot it last time. 220 00:13:18.120 --> 00:13:21.080 Thought i'd break it in for her. The explanation dies 221 00:13:21.120 --> 00:13:24.559 before it makes it off her lips. Julia never borrows clothing. 222 00:13:24.879 --> 00:13:28.559 She's picky, sensitive about smells, quick to gift away anything 223 00:13:28.600 --> 00:13:34.919 she dislikes. I stare too long, she notices. Seriously, nothing weird, 224 00:13:35.240 --> 00:13:38.080 she says softer. I just want to spend more time 225 00:13:38.120 --> 00:13:40.600 with people who push me. It's not a dig at you, 226 00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:46.200 I nod, but it's not just about Jim's sweatshirts. That weekend, 227 00:13:46.440 --> 00:13:48.440 I spot a new perfume on the shelf above the 228 00:13:48.440 --> 00:13:53.799 bathroom sink, glass square, a minimalist label amber narrowly. Julia's 229 00:13:53.840 --> 00:13:57.559 always worn a certain lemonie scent since college, my signature, 230 00:13:57.639 --> 00:14:01.000 she joked. This new one is spicy, woody, earthier. She 231 00:14:01.120 --> 00:14:04.519 sprays it before class, never before work or weekends with me. 232 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:08.600 On Saturday, she leaves humming bag over her shoulder. I 233 00:14:08.600 --> 00:14:12.080 wonder who the new scent is for. Our bank's statements 234 00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:16.000 start looking odd. Double charges at cafes near Julia's new gym, 235 00:14:16.240 --> 00:14:20.799 always early mornings or late afternoons. Two quassas, two lattes, 236 00:14:21.120 --> 00:14:23.840 sometimes on days. She tells me she's skipping breakfast to 237 00:14:23.919 --> 00:14:28.360 save time. When I mention it, she shrugs. Post class thing, 238 00:14:28.639 --> 00:14:31.879 we all refuel at this place after no big deal? 239 00:14:33.000 --> 00:14:37.320 Who goes? I ask, trying not to sound invested. She 240 00:14:37.440 --> 00:14:41.759 waves a hand. Whoever's not rushing to work. It's random. 241 00:14:42.320 --> 00:14:47.000 She never gives names, and I feel childish for caring. Andrea, 242 00:14:47.039 --> 00:14:50.320 my sister, corners me at her apartment after dinner one night. 243 00:14:50.960 --> 00:14:55.320 You guys, okay, she asks, eyes bright Julia's been well, 244 00:14:55.600 --> 00:14:58.960 She's not around much, not since April. Is she working more? 245 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:05.399 She's into morning fitness now, I say, instantly defensive, Andrea 246 00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:10.519 raises both brows, unfooled. Just don't let her disappear. People 247 00:15:10.600 --> 00:15:13.440 get busy, sure, but they make time for what matters. 248 00:15:14.519 --> 00:15:17.279 I nod, not wanting her to ask more. Hannah, one 249 00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:20.679 of our oldest friends, texts me after group dinner. Julia 250 00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:25.000 left early, claiming exhaustion. Mid entray she seems really good 251 00:15:25.039 --> 00:15:29.559 these days, motivated in person. Hannah keeps it breezy, but 252 00:15:29.639 --> 00:15:34.039 her eyes slide sideways when Julia's name comes up. One 253 00:15:34.159 --> 00:15:37.600 rainy Tuesday, I come home early, arms ringed with groceries 254 00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:41.120 and let myself in quietly. Music throbs in the bathroom, 255 00:15:41.320 --> 00:15:44.600 Julia's playlist heavy on R and B, low and pulsing. 256 00:15:44.960 --> 00:15:47.639 I set down the bags, pad across the floor. The 257 00:15:47.720 --> 00:15:51.759 apartment smells different, vanilla and something masculine, a note like 258 00:15:51.799 --> 00:15:56.080 expensive cologne. I tap on the bathroom door. The shower stops. 259 00:15:56.519 --> 00:16:01.840 Julia emerges, towel turbaned, face open and surprise. Hey didn't 260 00:16:01.879 --> 00:16:05.440 expect you home yet, thought you'd be at the gym. 261 00:16:06.399 --> 00:16:09.519 She hesitates, just long enough for me to notice the 262 00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:13.559 class was canceled last minute. Decided to catch up on emails, 263 00:16:13.639 --> 00:16:18.879 then shower. I look at her waiting. She fills the silence. Sorry, 264 00:16:18.919 --> 00:16:22.399 it smells like a perfume counter. I spilled some fancy 265 00:16:22.440 --> 00:16:26.639 sample from my bag disaster. I want to say, was 266 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:30.000 someone here? But I don't. I tuck the question into 267 00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:34.879 my pocket alongside every other small, useless fear. That night, 268 00:16:34.960 --> 00:16:38.639 I ask, forcing the words, Is everything okay with us? 269 00:16:39.639 --> 00:16:42.759 She sits next to me, hand on my knee. Of course, 270 00:16:43.120 --> 00:16:45.919 you know how I get fixating on something to distract 271 00:16:46.000 --> 00:16:50.279 from stress. Sometimes I just need space, She traces circles 272 00:16:50.279 --> 00:16:53.600 on my thigh. Work is non stop bullshit. Babe, I 273 00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:56.519 love you, but sometimes I want to talk about something else. 274 00:16:57.600 --> 00:16:59.840 I want to believe her, so I nod and we 275 00:17:00.039 --> 00:17:02.720 go to bed in the same tangle of sheets as always, 276 00:17:03.159 --> 00:17:07.960 her body warm along my back, heart beat pressing into me. Still, 277 00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:12.640 something's shifted. Julia's stories are increasingly populated by people I've 278 00:17:12.680 --> 00:17:17.759 never met, ben especially stars. In most anecdotes, always funny 279 00:17:17.880 --> 00:17:22.240 or infuriating or crucial to the team's spirit. She rehearses 280 00:17:22.279 --> 00:17:26.440 their jokes aloud, but never invites him over. I try 281 00:17:26.440 --> 00:17:30.160 to work late just to keep from wondering, but curiosity 282 00:17:30.279 --> 00:17:33.480 morphs into a kind of ritual. I find myself checking 283 00:17:33.519 --> 00:17:38.680 for new laundry, smells, receipts, anything left behind. One night, 284 00:17:38.759 --> 00:17:41.599 she's on the phone, voice muffled as she ducks out 285 00:17:41.599 --> 00:17:45.279 onto the balcony. I hear, just barely, no, he won't. 286 00:17:45.519 --> 00:17:48.880 I promise. I miss the next words, but the nothing 287 00:17:48.920 --> 00:17:51.240 that follows is worse than what I could have caught. 288 00:17:52.319 --> 00:17:56.519 Three week nds later, Julius skips our anniversary dinner, offering 289 00:17:56.559 --> 00:18:01.839 feverish apologies. The client is a nightmare, rescheduling events non stop. 290 00:18:02.160 --> 00:18:05.880 I'll make it up tomorrow, I swear, she does, sort of. 291 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:09.359 We order in sushi, eat on the floor, exchange gifts. 292 00:18:09.759 --> 00:18:11.559 She gives me a print of a photo we took 293 00:18:11.559 --> 00:18:15.559 our first year. Her tangled in string lights, grinning captioned 294 00:18:15.559 --> 00:18:19.680 in her script. Still us for a moment. I'm almost convinced. 295 00:18:20.680 --> 00:18:23.640 But two days later she forgets Pieza Friday for a 296 00:18:23.720 --> 00:18:27.400 late meal with Jim friends and returns reeking of herbal 297 00:18:27.440 --> 00:18:32.799 cologne and unfamiliar laughter. After I probe again, I never 298 00:18:32.839 --> 00:18:36.119 see anyone from this class, don't they do? Anything outside 299 00:18:36.160 --> 00:18:40.839 working out. She shrugs into her hoodie. We hang sometimes, 300 00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:44.720 but everyone's time strapped. Is not a secret club, babe, 301 00:18:45.519 --> 00:18:48.599 Why don't you ever want me to join? She gives 302 00:18:48.599 --> 00:18:53.720 me a look, half joking, half wary. It's my weird sanctuary. Besides, 303 00:18:53.759 --> 00:18:58.279 you'd hate it. I can barely handle it. Sometimes i'd try, 304 00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:02.920 you know. Her smile is thin. I know, but sometimes 305 00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:06.039 stuff's better when it's just mine, like your star trek 306 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:10.240 nights with Ethan. The comparison is almost funny, almost a 307 00:19:10.359 --> 00:19:15.119 dare I drop it? Regretful. That weekend, I find a 308 00:19:15.160 --> 00:19:19.359 hastily crumpled receipt for breakfast two orders of avocado toast 309 00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:22.119 and flat whites, this time at a cafe half way 310 00:19:22.119 --> 00:19:26.240 across the city. Julia was supposed to be solo unwinding 311 00:19:26.279 --> 00:19:28.960 at the park that morning, I stare at the slip, 312 00:19:29.240 --> 00:19:33.480 try to imagine what's more innocent, A friend, a random classmate, 313 00:19:33.799 --> 00:19:37.000 or something I don't want to say aloud. That night, 314 00:19:37.079 --> 00:19:38.960 I try to bring up my worries to Hannah in 315 00:19:39.039 --> 00:19:42.880 quiet conversation as our group leaves a movie. She fidgets 316 00:19:43.079 --> 00:19:47.039 glancing at her phone. Julia just seems really driven lately. 317 00:19:47.359 --> 00:19:51.000 She says, tone annoyingly neutral. You know how she gets 318 00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:54.920 when she's into something. No one will name what I'm thinking. 319 00:19:55.319 --> 00:19:58.319 Maybe they don't want to. Maybe I'm the only one looking. 320 00:19:59.319 --> 00:20:02.519 Julia gets boulder or lazier. Maybe it's the same thing. 321 00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:05.960 On the laundry shelf, I find a Jim towel stitched 322 00:20:05.960 --> 00:20:08.839 with Beefit stiff and not like any brand we own. 323 00:20:09.319 --> 00:20:12.920 The next wash cycle, there's another new shirt, much too large. 324 00:20:13.079 --> 00:20:17.079 I hold it up. Is this more borrowed stuff? She 325 00:20:17.160 --> 00:20:20.680 shakes her head. I'm sorry that one's Ben's. I think 326 00:20:21.119 --> 00:20:24.359 after last week's work out, everyone just threw their junk 327 00:20:24.400 --> 00:20:27.240 in one pile. He said, keep it. I'll swap it 328 00:20:27.319 --> 00:20:30.519 back next class. I don't want to sound petty, but 329 00:20:30.599 --> 00:20:34.119 I ask. So. Ben washes his clothes at your Jim. 330 00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:39.519 She laughs too loud. It's not deep mark. She sprays 331 00:20:39.559 --> 00:20:43.079 her new perfume, smiling past me. I wonder if Ben 332 00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:46.720 has ever smelled it up close. There's a pattern forming 333 00:20:47.079 --> 00:20:51.119 visible if I squint. Julia comes home already showered, never 334 00:20:51.160 --> 00:20:53.920 sweats into our couch any more. But the Jim bag 335 00:20:54.079 --> 00:20:58.240 smells like eucalyptus body spray blended with something heavier and male. 336 00:20:59.039 --> 00:21:02.279 Our social life has shrunk to rare brunches more about 337 00:21:02.279 --> 00:21:07.119 catching up with absences than sharing what's new. Andrea notices 338 00:21:07.519 --> 00:21:10.160 you look fried, she tells me at a family thing. 339 00:21:10.759 --> 00:21:16.079 Is Julia okay? She's fine? Busy? Doesn't feel like that, 340 00:21:16.519 --> 00:21:19.920 she says, quiet, feels like she somewhere else. Half the time, 341 00:21:21.000 --> 00:21:24.440 I have no answer, so I change the subject. That night, 342 00:21:24.519 --> 00:21:28.160 I lay awake watching slivers of light run across the ceiling. 343 00:21:28.640 --> 00:21:33.440 Julia's breath is steady. I envy her certainty. The next night, 344 00:21:33.720 --> 00:21:36.519 Julia leaves her phone open on the night stand. Rare, 345 00:21:36.799 --> 00:21:40.200 A calculated mistake or an accident, I don't know. In 346 00:21:40.240 --> 00:21:42.920 the morning, it vibrates with a message from b The 347 00:21:42.960 --> 00:21:46.200 preview is just a winking emoji. Julia snatches her phone 348 00:21:46.200 --> 00:21:49.119 away before I can say anything, muttering that group chats 349 00:21:49.119 --> 00:21:52.359 are getting out of hand. Later that day, I log 350 00:21:52.400 --> 00:21:54.799 into our shared bank account to make a rent transfer. 351 00:21:55.279 --> 00:21:58.119 Mixed in with groceries and eubers are three charges in 352 00:21:58.160 --> 00:22:02.559 a weak labeled beefit console. I click the info tab, 353 00:22:03.079 --> 00:22:06.359 just the business name, nothing else. I ask Julia that 354 00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:11.000 night about the expense. Oh Ben started doing private classes 355 00:22:11.359 --> 00:22:14.960 coaching for those of us wanting to push harder group rates. 356 00:22:15.039 --> 00:22:18.319 It's like cheaper than a massage or a real trainer. 357 00:22:19.359 --> 00:22:23.799 It adds up. I say, voice careful. She shrugs, I'll 358 00:22:23.799 --> 00:22:25.920 cut back. I just wanted to see if I could 359 00:22:25.960 --> 00:22:29.720 actually stick with something for once. Her smile doesn't reach 360 00:22:29.720 --> 00:22:34.000 her eyes. Friday arrives and Julia comes home, carrying her 361 00:22:34.079 --> 00:22:37.319 jim bag and a grease stained paper bag of Quassas 362 00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:40.240 she pulls off her shoes and groans, I make a 363 00:22:40.279 --> 00:22:44.559 half hearted joke about becoming a class regular. Julia purses 364 00:22:44.559 --> 00:22:48.200 her lips, eyes softening a little. You're sweet, but you 365 00:22:48.240 --> 00:22:50.599 don't want to do circuits with me? At six a m. 366 00:22:50.680 --> 00:22:54.480 Trust me, I half smile, but I ache to protest. 367 00:22:55.519 --> 00:22:58.880 That night, she gets a call after eleven. She leaves 368 00:22:58.880 --> 00:23:01.839 the room to answer, not returning for twenty five minutes. 369 00:23:02.400 --> 00:23:05.680 The next morning, I find her pajamas folded neatly atop 370 00:23:05.680 --> 00:23:08.839 her gym bag and a whiff of musky cologne lingers. 371 00:23:09.240 --> 00:23:13.880 When she returns, she showers quickly, ignoring my attempt at conversation, 372 00:23:14.359 --> 00:23:18.519 face mask already on. I cave and ask, do you 373 00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:23.079 want to catch a movie this week? Just us? She sighs. Honestly, 374 00:23:23.160 --> 00:23:27.240 I'm fried. The new client is destroying me. Next week okay, 375 00:23:28.200 --> 00:23:31.119 but it's not just tiredness, it's her looking through me. 376 00:23:32.119 --> 00:23:36.920 Days creak by routine, but noisier. Julia's group chappings late 377 00:23:36.960 --> 00:23:40.599 into the night. She never invites me along, never references 378 00:23:40.640 --> 00:23:45.359 old jokes, never tells any real stories. After two months, 379 00:23:45.480 --> 00:23:48.279 I feel like an actor in my own marriage, playing 380 00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:52.839 a role I didn't audition for, the understanding, easy going partner, 381 00:23:53.200 --> 00:23:58.440 unflappable above suspicion, then out of nowhere. Julia hosts a 382 00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:02.279 dinner at a little Italian place to celebrate finally landing 383 00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:06.519 that nightmare client. She invites me. Dresses nicer than I've 384 00:24:06.519 --> 00:24:10.880 seen in ages, red silk dress, lipstick, mask of ease, 385 00:24:10.960 --> 00:24:15.440 wrapped over something taut. That night, over candle light, Julia 386 00:24:15.480 --> 00:24:19.599 paws out small, tender confessions. Work has felt like a grind. 387 00:24:19.880 --> 00:24:23.279 She starts, eyes glinting, and I know I've been distant. 388 00:24:23.720 --> 00:24:27.920 The gim the classes is not entirely about health. Sometimes 389 00:24:27.920 --> 00:24:31.000 I get stuck, feel boring, like I'm letting people down. 390 00:24:31.440 --> 00:24:34.559 Pushing myself was the only thing I could actually control. 391 00:24:35.720 --> 00:24:39.200 I blink, letting out a slow breath. My heart tumbles 392 00:24:39.200 --> 00:24:42.119 loose of its own weight. Was it just this stress 393 00:24:42.160 --> 00:24:45.079 and self doubt? She says, she wants to be us again, 394 00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:47.680 to make more time for each other, to not let 395 00:24:47.759 --> 00:24:51.160 routines dominate. For the first time in months, we linger 396 00:24:51.200 --> 00:24:56.319 over dessert, hands gently entwined. Back home, Julia pulls me 397 00:24:56.359 --> 00:24:58.720 in urgent, as if she's making up for all the 398 00:24:58.720 --> 00:25:01.920 self sufficiency that has can her apart. We make love, 399 00:25:02.240 --> 00:25:06.160 and her skin feels real, her laughter unstudded. We talk 400 00:25:06.319 --> 00:25:09.839 late about travel plans, finally booking the trip we've put 401 00:25:09.880 --> 00:25:13.240