Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Hey, come on, this is not Abuse
No More with your host, doctor evangelist ko Rich, how
you to admit what you feel in order to heal
from the effects of narcissistic abuse, because your feelings do matter.
Speaker 2: How y'all doing today on this lovely.
Speaker 3: Friday morning, this is February of twenty twenty six. I
pray that you're having a blessed, stress free, narcissistic free
week and that the remainder of this week will continue
to be so as well. But if not, we're gonna
be talking about a few things today.
Speaker 2: Again.
Speaker 3: My name is doctor ko Rich or Knock Abuse No More,
where we're here to help you admit what you feel
in order to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse,
because your feelings do matter.
Speaker 2: Yes they do.
Speaker 3: But before we go on with today's podcast, I would
like to invite you to visit us on our website
at www dot NRC narc Abuse No More dot net Again,
that's www dot RC n arc Abuse No More dot
net and on our website you will find valuable information.
But we're gonna be adding some more things onto the
website as the year progresses, so we want you to
be able to go to a one stop sign all
things narcissists on that website. So we're gonna be adding
some more things onto the website. So I pray that
it will be a blessing to you as we add
on to that website. And then in the near future,
we're going to also be having Zoom counseling sessions for
those who may want to book us for counseling one
on one. And then I'm thinking about having also a
group counseling session via Zoom where you can join in
weekly for group group counseling and we can discuss various
things via Zoom. So that's in the upcoming future for that,
Lord Willing. In the meantime, before we get started today,
just to let you know we're on every Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday at ten am Eastern Standard time nine am Central.
And I want to also give you a number to
the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you are in a
situation and you need help, you can call one eight
hundred seven ninety nine safe. That's one eight hundred seven
nine nine seven two three three. You can also text
the word start that's st a r T start to
eight eight seven, eight eight, And there are people there
that can help you and give you a little guidance,
guidance as for your particular unique situation. All right, what
are we talking about today? We are talking about how
do you act toward your partner? How do you act
towards your partner? We're getting this information today from the
hotline dot org the hotline dot org. And one thing
that is important for those who may be dealing with abuse,
or you may be the one that's doing the abuse,
is to self evaluate to make sure that you're not
the abuser or you're not the recipient of a person
who is being abused. And so we're gonna go with
some things that you need to check to see if
you're an abuser or if you are the recipient of one,
and then also some behaviors that you would definitely want
to check out or notice within yourself or someone whom
you may be abusing as well, because let me just
remind you that abuse is not just physical we normally
think about when we think about abuse, we often think
about a black eye, a broken bone, missing to something
you know that someone has done in the physical sense.
But abuse goes beyond just the physical you can be
emotionally abusing someone, verbally abusing someone sexually, spiritually, financially, So
there are different elements of abuse and not just the fiscal.
So in this first one number one do I want
to put Do you get angry or insecure about your
partner's relationships with others that involves friends, family, coworkers.
Speaker 2: Do you feel possessive?
Speaker 3: Now? If you are the recipient of this, you will.
Often when you're dealing with someone who's an abuser, they
get angry when you go around other people. They make
comments when you go around other people. They will try
to guilt you for being around other people, and therefore
they don't want you to have an outside life outside
of them. So if you notice that if you hang
out with a friend and they have something negative to say,
or if you have a family and they they get
angry about you going around your family or friends, and
this is you know, this is not You might not
even do it maybe once a year or every few years,
you don't do it that often, but they have something
negative to say just because you're being around someone else,
then that's a sign of an abuser. You're either the
recipient of it or you're the one that's doing it.
Number two, do you frequently call and text to check
up on your partner or have them check in with you?
Speaker 2: And what? And this is not.
Speaker 3: For safety wise, okay, we're not talking about someone that's
just calling, Hey, I'm making sure you got home okay,
or I'm making sure you're doing okay. This is someone
who goes over and beyond obsessive with it. That's a
form of abuse for is trying to have that control
over you where you feel like, I gotta check in
and if I don't check in, then I'm gonna have
to deal with the wrath later on. So you're in
fear that whenever you do or wherever you go, you
have to make sure you check in at a certain
time or else you're gonna hear about it.
Speaker 2: Number three, Do.
Speaker 3: You check up on your partner in different ways such
as reading their personal emails, reading checking their texts, going
through their personal things? Do you check up on them
that way? That's a sign that you are possibly in
an abusive situation when you're not safe to have your
phone or have your computer or your laptop or your
iPad or whatever you're dealing with being checked by the
other person. Okay, there's actually some trust issues even going
on with that. And one thing that you have to
be careful of is sometimes the person who's doing the cheating.
Speaker 2: Is the one that's checking on you.
Speaker 3: Okay, but they want to make you feel insecure so
that you don't catch them in the cheating because you're
going to be closer to home and you're not gonna
want to raising their eyebrows because they're always having you
on the edge feeling like you're on the edge. So
therefore they gonna check in on you, have you checking
in with them, just so they can basically keep be
aware of where you are while they're doing what they're doing.
Number four, do you feel like your partner needs to
ask your permission to get out, get a job, go
to school, or spend time with others? Now, let me
just say this. When you are married, then it's no
longer I is we. But then even then there are
some things that is going a little beyond if the
person never wants you to do anything without their permission.
I'm not talking about spending funds because you all have
to pay the mortgage or something like that. I'm talking
about if you just say, if you go to the store. Well,
what time you getting back, what time or or what
time you leave, what time you get back, who you're
gonna be with, what street you're going on. I mean,
it's a such thing as obsession.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 3: So, and then another thing is when you are in
a controlling, manipulative relationship, they have a problem with your job. Okay,
they either don't want to get you one. I mean
they'd either they either don't want to get one, don't
want you to get one, or they want to tell
you when you can work, if you can go to school,
how much time you can spend there, if you can
go with someone else, or you know, hang out with
friends or family. They want to control every aspect of
your life. If you're in a controlling relationship and that
person does not want you to work. Now, sometimes it
could be where it's a mutual agreement or whatever, but
we're talking about in an abusive situation where a person
is trying to control your whereabouts so that they can
know where you're at at all times, not for your
well being, but because it's a form of manipulation and control.
Speaker 2: This is something that you have to be very careful of.
Speaker 3: If a person don't want you to better yourself by
going to school. Oftentimes abusers are threatened by you being better,
or should I say, bettering yourself. That means if you're
trying to get a promotion, if you're trying to get
more education, if you're trying to do things to better yourself,
then they're threatened by it. It can be as simple
as you trying to lose weight. Okay, but that person
starts bringing ding dongs and honey buns and twinkies and
all these things to keep you from being able to
accomplish your goal. That's a way of control. We're going
to take a quick break and we'll be back in
just a moment.
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Speaker 6: Now about you more.
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Speaker 4: That comes and goes with today.
Speaker 5: I love you lot the proms that I choose in
every way I see forever in your laughter grace.
Speaker 8: Is away state.
Speaker 4: You don't just love loved. You love me the faithful way.
And if love is how doses.
Speaker 5: Then I hear him.
Speaker 9: We see.
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Speaker 7: I don't need yours it for reason you say you
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take that out.
Speaker 4: Who the loved continues to thank.
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part of me choosing h.
Speaker 4: Not just.
Speaker 2: And that is you're my yes, You're my yes? All right?
Speaker 3: So we are talking about am I am I hurting?
Am I hurting my partner? How do how do I
act towards my partner and your your behavior affects other people.
It's not just you, it's not it's not just worry
about yourself. How does my behavior on my behavior, my
behavior affect other people?
Speaker 2: How am I?
Speaker 3: How do I act toward my partner? And so number
number five?
Speaker 4: Uh?
Speaker 3: Do I do you get angry when your partner doesn't
act the way you want them to or do what
you want them to do? So or you the type
where if things don't go your way, then you are
acting abusive toward that person. You know, whether you're dating,
whether you're married, are you acting in an unbecoming manner
with regards to your partner if you don't if they
don't do things the way you want them to do.
Because one thing that people do is when they're in
abusive relationships, you have the abuser that wants to control, okay, controlling, manipulate, manipulative,
so they want to control every aspect of your life.
So how do you act when someone doesn't do what
you want them to do? If you're in a relationship
with the abuser and you know that, hey, they act
all kinds of uh out of character which may be
their character when they when they you don't do what
they want you to do, then that means something is wrong.
If you're the person who does this, that means you're
or you are doing wrong, if you're harming someone else.
Number I believe we're Number six. Number six, Uh, do
you blame others for your drugs, alcohol, or or your
partner's actions so or do you take responsibility? And we
often talk about with narcissists, they do not. They do
not like the word responsibility or should I say accountability? Okay,
they don't take accountability for the things they do, so
therefore their they feel this they're not responsible for those
things that they do. And if someone is always blaming
you but never being accountable for their own or responsible
for their own actions, taking responsibility, then that's a problem.
Number seven. Do you find it very difficult to control
your anger and calm down? If you are the recipient
of someone who lashes out at any and everything, You
walking on constant eggshells. You never know what bag they're
going to come out of on any given day, then
something is wrong. If you're the person who's doing this,
you need to go to anger management, get a counselor
talk to someone, join a support group to help you
resolve those underlying issues. Number eight, Do you express your
anger by threatening to hurt your partner or actually physically
doing so?
Speaker 2: If you have to lay.
Speaker 3: Hands on someone, and I'm not talking about annoying to them,
We're not talking aout annoying them with your fits either.
Speaker 2: If you have to lay.
Speaker 3: Hands on someone when you get angry, then that says
you have work to do because you do not have
a right because you get upset to lay hands on
someone else.
Speaker 2: If you are the recipient of.
Speaker 3: Someone that's laying hands on you, please get out that
relationship as safely as possible. Number nine, Do you express
your anger by verbally raising your voice, name calling, or
using put downs? Now, you know we all get angry,
and if you're married to someone or or dating someone,
you know you might have a and a disagreement that
can be slightly elevated. But when it comes to when
it comes to yelling, okay, screaming at the top of
your voice, calling someone out their name, putting that person down,
basically going below what you call it, go below in
the belt, using things you know about that person to
hurt them, and the heat of your anger, then something
is not right. Just because you get upset with someone
don't mean you have to try to hurt them to
prove your point. If you use knowledge that you know
on this person, you know things that they've told you,
and you use it against them in the heat of
the moment, then guess what that says more about you
than it does about them. Another thing, when you're dealing
with a narcissistic type person, you have to very much
watch what you tell them because whatever you say can
and we'll be used against you in the court of
the narcissists. They will take what you say, locking in
a vault and bringing out on you whenever they feel
like they're gonna need it for their ammunition. This is
not being able to be in a safe place, a
safe space with this particular person when you feel that, hey,
as soon as they get angry, they're gonna throw things
up in my face, they're gonna call me names. Calling
someone out their name is also abuse.
Speaker 2: Number.
Speaker 3: I believe we're at number ten. Number ten. Do you
forbid your partner from spending money or require that they
have an allowance and keep receipts of their spending. Now
with this one, this is this is not where a couple,
for example, America couple is doing a budget. We're playing
on buying a house, so we gotta keep track of
all our spending. And this is not that we're talking
about someone that is financially abusive. That means that they
want to keep control of what you do because they
don't want you to have anything, especially if you work.
They don't want you to have anything ness of your own.
They don't want you to get financially independent where you
will one day leave them because you got tired of
their abuse. So therefore they're gonna they're gonna want to
keep track of any and everything. And yes, there is
a such thing as financial abuse. You deprive it and
deny that person of things that they actually need, or
in this case, even being over obsessive with having them
write down everything that they spend so you can keep
track of them. In other words, controlling and manipulating them
so that they would have to even rely on you.
So you feel like I gotta go ask this person,
will you give me five dollars? Cannot buy this, cannot
buy that, or whatever case may be.
Speaker 2: That's financial abuse. Number eleven.
Speaker 3: You force or attempt your partner to be intimate with you.
Speaker 2: That's sexual abuse.
Speaker 3: That means that if a person says no, even if
you're married, and you say no to being intimate with
that person, that person has to accept that it used
to be a time where men were able to rape,
to rape their wives, and yes, there is a such
thing as raping your wife. Okay, So they were able
to rape their wives and nothing was done or could
be said about it because they felt that women were
married to property, so therefore I could do with my
property as I wish. Well, guess what laws have changed.
And yes, you can be accused of raping your spouse.
No one should be forced to give something that they're
not willing to give. You're actually taking it. And if
you could force someone into a sexual act, then that
says something about you.
Speaker 2: Number twelve. You blow up?
Speaker 3: Do you blow up in anger at small events or
mistakes your partner makes? Everyone makes mistakes. Okay, everyone makes mistakes.
But see what the difference with the narcissists is that
they don't wanna admit theirs. They will point out everything
that's wrong with everybody else, but they'll never look to
themselves and say, you know what, I gotta do some
work on me.
Speaker 2: I need to change.
Speaker 3: I am not treating people right, talking to them right.
I'm not doing them right. I'm not I'm not being
who I should be taught that individual, so they feel
like that they get a free pass that they can
treat everybody else like crap, and but they wanna be
a treated like royalty. It doesn't work that way. So
you will have this individual get mad, oh with just
simple little things, simple mistakes or whatever case may be.
And they got an attitude treating you wrong, calling you
names and all this.
Speaker 2: Just over a mistake.
Speaker 3: I'm not talking about having an affair or something like that,
because that's not the mistake that was and you intentionally
did that. These are things that you have to be
on the lookout for if you're in a relationship with
someone that's like this, or if you are the person
that's even doing this to someone else. So you're either
the recipient or the aggressor. So we're gonna take a
quick break and then we'll be back in just a moment.
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and your smile is hide and.
Speaker 4: Things, I should know.
Speaker 2: You don't have to fight that storm.
Speaker 4: Alone, baby, Just come.
Speaker 2: I see the battles.
Speaker 4: You don't streak alive the quiet tears.
Speaker 5: You never say aloud and lay your work's on my chest.
Speaker 4: I'll hold you through every test.
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you missing out game, no maddle, Life gets hard in
your Holgast.
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I speak the truth and to you.
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your hope starts fading. I'll INTI faith in my brain.
Speaker 8: I got you no matter what.
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Maybe I'm letting go on.
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the ape, through the paint.
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not perfect.
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with tripling lean on me Ibby the Man of card
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the road kids.
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light and.
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Speaker 7: I've got.
Speaker 4: That's my promise. I've gotten old. Oh always more matter,
I've got only I've got you no matter what.
Speaker 3: All right, So we have been talking about am I
hurting my partner? How do how do you act towards
your partner? And I want to just go with a
few quick things that you should realize or recognize if
you're in this type of relationship.
Speaker 2: Do you do uh? Do they seem nervous around you?
Speaker 4: So?
Speaker 2: Am I heard my partner?
Speaker 3: Do they seem nervous around me? That means that they're
they're feeling awkward every time you come around.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 3: They they don't feel like they can be themselves. Do
they seem afraid of you? Do they cringe or move
away when you're angry? Do they cry because it's something
you don't let them do or something you made them do?
Do they seem scared or unable to contradict you or
speak up about something? And do they restrict their own
interaction with friends, coworkers, or family in order to avoid
displeasing you. And if any of these behaviors sound familiar,
then that's a red flag. You may be hurting this
person when they're having to respond or have these reactions
to you. Or if you find yourself doing these things
in response to that person that may be the abuser, then.
Speaker 2: This these are red flags.
Speaker 3: Let me just say this for those who have not
gotten married. If you are dating someone and you're having
these things happen while you're in the dating stage, that's
a red flag to say, do not move forward. Do
not move forward. We often get warning signs before the
actual event, so pay attention to the signs. Don't allow
your thoughts of well, I'm going to be lonely. No,
it's better to be by yourself in a cardboard box
with a bunch of cats than it is to be
with an abuser. And again, abuse comes in various forms.
Rather it's physical, financial, sexual, spiritual, when you're when you're
if you're dealing with someone that's emotionally abusive, verbally abusive,
just because you don't have a blue and black eye
on the outside doesn't mean you're not wearing one on
the inside, and that's exactly what happens. Happens when you
are involved in a relationship. Don't allow peer pressure for
those who are younger to make you stay in a relationship.
And this needs to even be taught to teenagers. Do
not ever date anyone who doesn't respect you. And if
they start off with small little things of disrespect, such
as any of these type of abuses, then they would
grow into bigger, larger things. Let me just say this too,
if you're married and you're dealing with these things, especially
if you're in a physical abusive relationship and not just physical.
If you're dealing with any of these things, talk to someone,
get the help that you need. There are especially women
and children dying every day. Just recently I had heard
about and I believe it was her children that have
been killed by I believe it's the husband. Let me
just say this, and I'm gonna be frank, because I
hear pastors that are telling women to stay in these
relationships or you can't get divorced, or you can't separate
from his person.
Speaker 2: Let me just say that that's a lie. That's a lie.
Speaker 3: Yes, God hates divorce, but he also hates those things
that lead.
Speaker 2: To divorce, such as abuse.
Speaker 3: You know, in the Bible, it tells husbands husbands love
your wives. It is Christ love the Church, and then
it tells wives to submit to your husbands. But when
your husband is abusing you, then your husband is not
loving you as Christ love the church. Because Christ does
not abuse the church. He does not abuse it. And
so therefore you do not stay in any situation where
you're being abused, and abusers oftentimes don't want to.
Speaker 2: Let go of the person.
Speaker 3: It's not that they care about you. They want to
maintain control. And sometimes the only way to get away
from that abuser is to sever all ties, which means divorce.
And so you have to be the one to determine
what situation you fit in at If a person doesn't
go get the help that they need and you return
to them, you're only putting yourself back into the frying pan.
Speaker 2: A person.
Speaker 3: You know, people often ask can they change? And I
always say this, yeah, they can if if they get
the help that they need. But apart from that, no,
they won't because oftentimes when you're dealing with narcissists. One
of the things that we know about one of those
narcissistic traits is that they don't look, they don't take
responsibility for their actions. They shift blame, they don't want
to take accountability. So therefore, someone who doesn't take accountability
responsibility for their actions will never change. It's only to
you see that you know what I need to change,
that a change can be made. But first you got
to acknowledge it. So what happens is that more people
that have been victimized be the ones go on to
counseling than the ones who are doing the actual abuse.
But the thing is, regardless or whatever your situation is,
that's unique to you, you have to know when you
have had enough and don't make anyone feel make you
feel as if you have to stay in an abusive relationship.
Rather it's a pastor who else, Because let me just
say this, many of the ones who are telling women
to stay in these abusive relationships are oftentimes abuses themselves.
You see the what they call the first lady, smiling,
maybe dressed nice and everything, but behind closed doors, when
the sermon has ended and every one has emptied the church,
they're going to a devil's home.
Speaker 2: And that's the reality, all.
Speaker 3: Right, we're going We're out of time. We are out
of time. Our print of today's podcast has been a blessing.
Speaker 2: To you and that you would know your feelings do matter.
Speaker 3: This is doctor k l Rich would knock abuse no
more a tale next time