Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back, besties, Welcome to another Monday.
Speaker 1: I hope you guys had an amazing weekend. I'm so
Speaker 1: excited to start this week off with you. Guys. We
Speaker 1: have an awesome guest for you this week. She is
Speaker 1: a comedian and friend. Please enjoy this episode with Chloe Labranch.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Hi, how are you good?
Speaker 2: Thank you for having me on the big Show.
Speaker 1: Of course. Yeah, welcome to the big show in my heart.
Speaker 2: Big Show in the big apartment.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Have you been telling me all your secrets?
Speaker 2: Oh? Good, so many secrets.
Speaker 1: What are my secrets?
Speaker 3: Uh, come on, give us a good one.
Speaker 2: My boyfriend and I got back together, even though I
Speaker 2: still pretend he's my ex boyfriend and when I'm on the.
Speaker 3: Stage, Okay, great, just love.
Speaker 2: This is the problem. It's when when you are dating
Speaker 2: a guy and then you guys have.
Speaker 1: A problem there. Yeah, the problem is when you're dating
Speaker 1: a g We.
Speaker 2: Know, when you like go through like a breakup or something,
Speaker 2: and obviously, like I make every I go out of
Speaker 2: my way to make everybody hate him, right, yeah, I'm
Speaker 2: saying these terrible things about him, like he's horrible, he
Speaker 2: did this, he did that, and then you get back
Speaker 2: together with them.
Speaker 1: When you're like, yeah, you've got to try and walk
Speaker 1: it back. You're like walking like Michael Jackson.
Speaker 2: You're like you used the gas light yourself and be like, no,
Speaker 2: I was being crazy, Yeah I was. I told him
Speaker 2: to fuck that girl. Yeah, I want to be a cock.
Speaker 2: I just want to watch.
Speaker 1: I was being dramatic.
Speaker 2: But now it's like, people like, are you with him?
Speaker 2: And I was like, yeah, one girl. So like we
Speaker 2: broke up and then he started dating someone else and
Speaker 2: I broke up with him, but then I saw him
Speaker 2: and I was like I want him back, you know obviously,
Speaker 2: and I was like telling everybody. I was like, yeah,
Speaker 2: you fucking cheat it on me, like this fucking asshole,
Speaker 2: because like you know, a woman's version of cheating, it's
Speaker 2: a gray area with men, it varies. Not good people
Speaker 2: at the end of the day. Yeah, name one great guy.
Speaker 1: Name one good guy, just a decent guy, just one
Speaker 1: average guy. You got her max husband.
Speaker 2: But why but he still can't even be the.
Speaker 1: Husband because I'm a monster, because I'm one, well, because
Speaker 1: I craved chaos.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So then I'm like, hey, you know, me and
Speaker 2: this girl who I like don't really know that, well,
Speaker 2: who's a comic. She was like, I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: I was short at a show and I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm going back to his house. And she was like,
Speaker 2: but he cheated on you. And I was like, nah,
Speaker 2: he didn't. Like we were broken up, you know, yeah,
Speaker 2: he lied, but we were broken up. And she was
Speaker 2: like what did she say? Oh? She looked at me
Speaker 2: and she goes, I'm really disappointed in you. And I
Speaker 2: was like, you don't even know me. You're like the
Speaker 2: least disappointing thing I've ever done.
Speaker 1: I've done far worse. I've done far worse.
Speaker 2: My girl like, it's crazy for a girl who's like
Speaker 2: two years younger than you to tell you that they're
Speaker 2: disappointed in you.
Speaker 1: Right, You're like. The only person who can say that
Speaker 1: is my father.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I was like, okay, Dad, Okay, I'm disappointed. Can
Speaker 2: I have a side of money with that?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Disappointment might rent like what are we doing?
Speaker 1: Literally? What are we doing?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: That is the problem though, when you go through a
Speaker 1: relationship and it hits its bumps, if you decide to
Speaker 1: tell the people around you about the bumps, you have
Speaker 1: to be pretty committed to getting out of the relationship,
Speaker 1: because otherwise you do look like a Hong Kong on
Speaker 1: your clown nose, so once you start expression honk, you
Speaker 1: look like a Hong kok And unfortunately it sounds like
Speaker 1: you told a lot of people.
Speaker 2: Everybody, everybodyody would listen, everybody, everybody. And it's because my
Speaker 2: mom has told me this in the past about how
Speaker 2: like she's like, whenever your friends go through breakups and
Speaker 2: they like, you know, start talking shit about the guy,
Speaker 2: especially as you get older and you're like late twenties,
Speaker 2: starting like then and stuff, be really careful what you say,
Speaker 2: because a lot of times these people get back together
Speaker 2: with them and they will always remember you being like, yeah,
Speaker 2: he fucking sucks, totally opposed to like them telling you
Speaker 2: that he sucked right, and they'll always take the husband's
Speaker 2: side always.
Speaker 1: Every time I've had this happen in like meaningful adult
Speaker 1: friendships before, where a friend of mine was about to
Speaker 1: get married and I was like, do not marry this man,
Speaker 1: Like he is a fucking loser. Everyone thinks he's a loser.
Speaker 1: He thinks he's funny. He's not funny. He's just like
Speaker 1: misogynistic and plays weird pranks on us. Nobody likes him
Speaker 1: and then she just married him.
Speaker 2: It's acting Kutcher lack Shepherd.
Speaker 1: Yeah, literally, so I through my lesson that way.
Speaker 2: It'll probably end up badly for her. It'll probably end
Speaker 2: up going badly for me. What do you know?
Speaker 1: Listen when the writing's on the wall, sometimes we say,
Speaker 1: but it's not.
Speaker 2: In Braille, and I'm blind, true true blind, or a
Speaker 2: woman I can't read, of a girl girls don't read.
Speaker 1: Girls can't read? What are we talking about here? Did
Speaker 1: you were you born and raised in New York?
Speaker 2: I was born in New York on that side, and
Speaker 2: then I lived in Manhattan till I was like five,
Speaker 2: and then I grew up a Long Island. Okay, then
Speaker 2: my parents moved back to the city when I was
Speaker 2: in high school.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: I'm one of seven.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, so I have five brothers and one sister.
Speaker 1: Oh are they older?
Speaker 2: I'm the third oldest.
Speaker 1: Okay, So all right? What was that like?
Speaker 2: Fun?
Speaker 1: Yeah? It was rowdy?
Speaker 2: Was it was rowdy?
Speaker 1: Rowdy?
Speaker 2: I've been trying to talk about it on stage because
Speaker 2: like people think it's funny, but like for me, it's
Speaker 2: like it's normal. It's also why I'm like so bad
Speaker 2: at being like alone and like I need attention because
Speaker 2: like I'm not used to like ever, you know, like
Speaker 2: being like alone and like you know those kids, I
Speaker 2: don't know if you're one of them who like would
Speaker 2: like just sit alone and like read books for hours.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but like I never did that because it was
Speaker 2: like we're all like a year apart.
Speaker 1: It's like constant simulation around you.
Speaker 2: I'm like constantly like used to like talking to someone
Speaker 2: or like writing, and then it's like then I sit
Speaker 2: alone and I'm like what do I do with my hands? Yeah,
Speaker 2: I guess I'll become an alcoholic.
Speaker 1: I know, I'll fill them with forties.
Speaker 2: That's a busy thing to do. Yeah, who the Edward?
Speaker 1: Who's ed work? Why are these forties stuck to my hands?
Speaker 2: But yeah, so that was it was fun. We used
Speaker 2: to like do pranks. Okay, I loved pranks. I was
Speaker 2: talking about this about how my youngest brother this is
Speaker 2: fucked up. We used to we used to do when
Speaker 2: my parents would like go out for dinner or something,
Speaker 2: and we would lock our like the babysitter in a closet.
Speaker 2: Oh good, and then we would lock the youngest kid
Speaker 2: in another closet, and then we would all like stomp
Speaker 2: around and run around the house and circles, and someone
Speaker 2: would be like having their foot on the door to
Speaker 2: the kid in the closet, and we'd be like fire, fire,
Speaker 2: there's a fire. We'd because anyone's seen Harrison, we can't
Speaker 2: find him when he's in the closet. He's like, I'm
Speaker 2: in here, and then we go leave him and we
Speaker 2: would fake run out of the house.
Speaker 1: Oh no, Has Harrison said that traumatized him in any capacity?
Speaker 2: We circled Probably at this point there's like a lot.
Speaker 2: I mean, kids like do fuck fucked up stuff?
Speaker 1: Yes, they do.
Speaker 2: It's actually like because when we were growing up, everyone
Speaker 2: wasn't just on their phone, right. The closest I had
Speaker 2: the technology was like a tamagotchi and a Furby. Yeah.
Speaker 2: When I was like a little kid, Yeah, and uh,
Speaker 2: I had this other friend and we used to go
Speaker 2: to her house and we would like pretend that her
Speaker 2: little sister had been murdered. Oh good, and we would
Speaker 2: be like, her name is Sarah, and we'd be like ah,
Speaker 2: and then we would pretend that she was murdered, and
Speaker 2: then we would have a fake funeral for the girl,
Speaker 2: and she'd be like walking around and we'd like pretend
Speaker 2: she was a ghost and we couldn't see her, and
Speaker 2: we'd like give like eulogies. We'd be like, it's just
Speaker 2: so sad that Sarah was murdered. She was a really
Speaker 2: great kid. And she would be like, I'm right here,
Speaker 2: We're right here. We're like it's almost like we can
Speaker 2: feel her spirit with us.
Speaker 1: We hear her, yeah, from her murder. It's like how
Speaker 1: we got there. But yeah, no, I mean, kids did
Speaker 1: really fucked up shit. I remember when time I was
Speaker 1: coming back from a friend's house, like a sleepover. And
Speaker 1: I was coming back and my sister had a friend
Speaker 1: over at our house. And the second I walked in
Speaker 1: the door, my sister and her friend started laughing and
Speaker 1: like putting their shoes on, and they're like, we have
Speaker 1: to go, we have to go, we have to go.
Speaker 1: I was like, where are you guys going? And I
Speaker 1: was like so excited to see my sister and her friend. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and they were like clearly had done something horrible and
Speaker 1: I just wasn't. I didn't know what it was yet.
Speaker 1: And I go up to my room and they flipped
Speaker 1: every single thing in my room upside down, suck my bed,
Speaker 1: my dresser, all of my posters they like ripped, like
Speaker 1: my Backstreet Boys posters, like those were my only companions,
Speaker 1: Like those were emotional support posters, like I didn't have
Speaker 1: real friends. I was like this, I remember just they
Speaker 1: like pinned my underwear to the ceiling, and I remember
Speaker 1: just crying and being so sad, and my Dad's like,
Speaker 1: it's fine, like they'll flip it all back. And I
Speaker 1: was like, how did you let this happen? How did you?
Speaker 2: You're just there? Like what did I do?
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't understand your parenting. Were you
Speaker 1: just downstairs crushing beers? Because it feels like when they
Speaker 1: were pinning my personal I was probably in like fourth grade.
Speaker 1: I just like, wasn't Yeah they really got me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well that's a good brank.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: It was really intense fed it takes a long time
Speaker 2: to must.
Speaker 1: Have taken all night.
Speaker 2: Must have taken it. Did they did they flip it back?
Speaker 1: They had to, fine, but they didn't. I mean, it wasn't.
Speaker 2: It didn't go back to how it was. Things weren't
Speaker 2: how they used to be.
Speaker 1: Posters couldn't be unripped.
Speaker 2: That's so sad.
Speaker 1: Also, I couldn't unsee her friend's hands all over my underwear.
Speaker 2: Like it just was like, okay, traumatized.
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Speaker 2: I know this girl's fucking nuts. Blank, it's a I
Speaker 2: guess we say that a lot. Yeah, very man thing
Speaker 2: of me to say, I know this girl's nuts. She
Speaker 2: was like telling me. She was like she's a comic
Speaker 2: and I like went on the road somewhere with her
Speaker 2: and some shitty thing, and she was like, yeah, like
Speaker 2: me and my boyfriend, everyone's like, you don't want to
Speaker 2: hang out with this girl. She's crazy.
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm crazy stage time. Yeah. And she
Speaker 1: was like going on about how.
Speaker 2: She's like we gotta leave like early today, and I'm
Speaker 2: like why, and she's like, I just I got to
Speaker 2: get out of the house, like I guess her and
Speaker 2: her boyfriend like she's like Basically, what she did was
Speaker 2: she thought he was cheating on her, so she broke
Speaker 2: into his apartment and went to the bank and got
Speaker 2: like one hundred or two hundred dollars worth of pennies
Speaker 2: and she threw them all over the house, like dump
Speaker 2: have you heard of people doing this? Dumped them all
Speaker 2: over the floor so it'd be pain to pick up,
Speaker 2: and then shattered all of his plates and his glasses
Speaker 2: and stole his laptop. And then she'd be like, can
Speaker 2: you drive, I'm gonna try to break into this laptop.
Speaker 2: And I'm just like what, Like, yes, I'll drive. I
Speaker 2: was like, I've been drinking, yeah, so yes I will.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I'm the best driver.
Speaker 2: I didn't know that was like a thing people did.
Speaker 1: I mean, crazy, what is it? Hell? Hath no fury?
Speaker 1: Like a woman scorned, Like a woman who thinks that
Speaker 1: she's wronged, will do anything. I had a friend go
Speaker 1: to an exotic pet store, get a box of forty
Speaker 1: Madagascar cockroaches. Oh my god, break into her boyfriend's apartment
Speaker 1: and I'll let them loose.
Speaker 2: Damn like that rats. The best prank could be bed bugs?
Speaker 1: Bed bugs? Is that's like not even a prank, that
Speaker 1: is well like someone's life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what they should have done.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've never had it in me. Have you ever
Speaker 1: done anything crazy?
Speaker 2: I've wanted to the most crazy things I would do
Speaker 2: is like I was like a really big drunk dialer.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: So like when I was drunk, I'd be like, oh up,
Speaker 2: and like I was like I didn't understand. Like it
Speaker 2: was almost like I thought everything was so funny that
Speaker 2: like it would get to the point where I was
Speaker 2: like trolling them and be like it's enough, and I'd
Speaker 2: be like, hmmm, it's not. I feel like, why are
Speaker 2: you responding? I feel like you're in love with you
Speaker 2: and they'd be like I don't like you. I'd be like, okay,
Speaker 2: good one, you know, Like I just like was like
Speaker 2: it was it's this like sense of entitlement. I think
Speaker 2: that comes with alcoholism that like I thought like when
Speaker 2: I drink, I can do whatever I want.
Speaker 1: I'm God.
Speaker 2: And then I'd get sober for one day and I'd
Speaker 2: go around being like amends, like yeah, you know, I'm
Speaker 2: so sorry. I really cleaned my life up since And
Speaker 2: they're like, your trunk.
Speaker 1: Gets drunk, you're literally drug right now.
Speaker 2: That's about as crazy as I would get. Yeah, like that, yeah,
Speaker 2: I was I'm too lazy, yeah to like do anything too,
Speaker 2: Like I just don't have it.
Speaker 1: I just have a healthy fear of the law. And
Speaker 1: I also at this point in my life have a
Speaker 1: healthy fear of karma because karma doesn't miss a doorstep.
Speaker 1: So it's like, if you go do something horrible to somebody,
Speaker 1: that energy will come back to you.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And if you think you got away with anything you didn't,
Speaker 1: just wait, yeah it's coming, you know, Like it's urry, I.
Speaker 2: Know, I uh yeah, I'm not like I don't have
Speaker 2: anything in me that's like malicious because the only person
Speaker 2: like I truly want to not succeed is myself.
Speaker 3: Oh you know, Ark, I'm sorry, it's it's whatever.
Speaker 2: So it's like I've never like tried to like ruin
Speaker 2: someone's life, very right. It's the furthest I've just the
Speaker 2: furthest I've gone is just being really annoying and ruining
Speaker 2: my own life.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, No, I would say the most annoying
Speaker 1: I ever was I was a big drunk dialer too
Speaker 1: in college and like right after I got out of college, yeah,
Speaker 1: because I pretty much got sober when I was twenty seven,
Speaker 1: twenty eight, so up until I was with Chris. Chris
Speaker 1: and I that's my first husband, and we started dating
Speaker 1: in twenty twenty, twenty fifteen, and so twenty fifteen to
Speaker 1: college so like, let's twenty eight to twenty fifteen. Those
Speaker 1: were my big years of drunk diyaling. And there was
Speaker 1: this one guy who he played for the market basketball
Speaker 1: team and then he went into the NBA and we
Speaker 1: had like the most toxic relationship, like it was just
Speaker 1: like hot, nasty, fucking sex, but we hated each other,
Speaker 1: like we would fight like I don't fight with people.
Speaker 2: Like I hope you die and then you send a
Speaker 2: news yes.
Speaker 1: Yes yes, or like I you know. It was like
Speaker 1: the only time I don't get violent. I don't do
Speaker 1: any of that shit. I would like throw my phone
Speaker 1: at his fucking head. He would like punch the wall
Speaker 1: next to me, and then we'd be fuck. He was insane.
Speaker 1: It was insane. But I would text him so much
Speaker 1: when I was drunk that he had to change his
Speaker 1: phone number five times well, and I kept getting his
Speaker 1: new phone number from very nefarious ways, like he was
Speaker 1: not He made it clear to everyone in our immediate
Speaker 1: circle that he did not want me to have his
Speaker 1: phone number. And then I would somehow get his phone
Speaker 1: number and then I would just text him the meme
Speaker 1: of Jack Nicholson in the Shining and I'd be like hello,
Speaker 1: just that that and then a gun.
Speaker 2: I'd be like what it was so funny because like
Speaker 2: when guys would be like you has stop, like you'd
Speaker 2: be so annoying, you have to leave me alone. I'm
Speaker 2: just like you understand, like you're not special like I do.
Speaker 2: There's so many I do this to every guy like
Speaker 2: this is not I don't even like you.
Speaker 1: Nobody likes you. Were bored.
Speaker 2: I'm just bored. I remember my friends and I would
Speaker 2: like in college, we thought like drunk diling was like
Speaker 2: got to your point, like it was like hilarious. And
Speaker 2: we'd be like, you're allowed to. And one of my
Speaker 2: friends would be like I called someone forty times and
Speaker 2: we were like, okay, well I'll call my friends sixty times.
Speaker 2: One of my friends drunk dial this guy ninety five
Speaker 2: times and he took up he printed out a screenshot
Speaker 2: of it and taped it to her door in the morning,
Speaker 2: and she was like she'd like taken like a bottle
Speaker 2: of adderall blacked down and just called him like ninety
Speaker 2: eight times. Were like that's a lot of work.
Speaker 1: It's good for on Adderall that's nothing.
Speaker 2: I had this therapist once, who uh this guy was
Speaker 2: like kind of dating from rehab obviously. I was like,
Speaker 2: he's so cool. He shoots cocaine, like he's a hardcore and.
Speaker 1: But he was a therapist.
Speaker 2: No, he was a drug addict, Henri. But my therapist.
Speaker 2: I was telling my therapist. I was like, yeah, and
Speaker 2: gets over with Henry and he was like I was like, yeah,
Speaker 2: he blocked me classic and he was like he was like.
Speaker 2: I was like, so I couldn't even get in touch
Speaker 2: with him if I wanted. He's like, you know you
Speaker 2: can message people onto Google. They have phone numbers and
Speaker 2: I go, why are you telling me this? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Why why would be the workaround?
Speaker 2: Why did he doubt?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: And I was like, this is great.
Speaker 1: This is great. So you got one of the Google
Speaker 1: fake numbers and he said, well, well, well, Henry, here
Speaker 1: we beat again.
Speaker 2: I ventured him. I was like, Hi, it's it's Chloe.
Speaker 2: And he's like, Chloe, this is enough. And I was like,
Speaker 2: I have your mom with me right now in the
Speaker 2: basement and a gun to her head. He's like, it's
Speaker 2: not funny.
Speaker 1: I have here, Bob. It's always nice to be crazier
Speaker 1: than the person who shoots coke mm hmm. It's like,
Speaker 1: it's not it doesn't even have to do with what
Speaker 1: we're using. It has to do with how we were made.
Speaker 2: Or the like, dude, they're like, I literally really hate
Speaker 2: you and I have showed right back, like, but do
Speaker 2: you think I'm pretty? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Also, and difference is the opposite of love, not hate.
Speaker 2: So good times sounds like.
Speaker 1: You love me good times. How are you feeling recently
Speaker 1: with your mental health?
Speaker 2: Are we probably the best it's been in a while. Yeah,
Speaker 2: that's great because yeah, I mean, yeah, it's all right,
Speaker 2: it's I'm fine.
Speaker 1: But you just fall apart.
Speaker 2: You're like, I'm good, everything's fine. No, I've just kind
Speaker 2: of like become like sometimes i have to like watch
Speaker 2: in my head because you know, it's always like the
Speaker 2: Killers in the house.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's.
Speaker 2: Like everything's going fine, and like my biggest thing, it's
Speaker 2: like they say, like uh idle hands for the Devil's playground,
Speaker 2: and so it's like when things are just fine.
Speaker 1: That's when I'm like, that's when they're the worst.
Speaker 2: I want to do something bad, ye, you know, and
Speaker 2: it's just like it's like a grave chaos. But now
Speaker 2: I'm also getting like too old that it's like it's
Speaker 2: not fun. And then like things do start to come
Speaker 2: back around, because it's like I was behaving like a
Speaker 2: crazy for so long and then I would like go
Speaker 2: to rehab and be like weps. And then people are
Speaker 2: like he's an alcoholic, and I'm like, what a dick?
Speaker 1: Yeah, but whatever, calling a spade a spade. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: does get to a point where it's like not cute
Speaker 1: to be chaotic.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're in that.
Speaker 1: We're in that age group where it's not so sexy.
Speaker 2: Not sexy at all. And also it's like the bloating.
Speaker 2: I just I spent so many years walking around New
Speaker 2: York looking like a fucking the penguin. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 2: And I'm just like and then if I'm like well,
Speaker 2: it's like, I mean, thank God, like I have a
Speaker 2: semblance of having it under control, but like it was bad.
Speaker 2: It was like I was impressed that I didn't get
Speaker 2: string for three years. How'd you do it?
Speaker 1: Ow'd you do it? Well? I will say that you
Speaker 1: have never looked better. Thank you, and your spirit seems lighter.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. You look amazing.
Speaker 1: Thank you. It's a lot of work. We've gotten a
Speaker 1: lot of work done bybe I'm just kidding. It's a
Speaker 1: lot of deep plane.
Speaker 3: Work work as lasers.
Speaker 2: I just did laze md okay. Did you know that one?
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: My cousin's a derm okay in Austin, So it's like
Speaker 2: when I go there, she's just like, give me free ship. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and it's like they're amazing love. I want to do Uh,
Speaker 2: what's that one? Everyone's doing soft wave?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Have you done that?
Speaker 1: No, I'm doing I'm a co two slut. They're like,
Speaker 1: downtime is ten days, which is tough. But what I'm
Speaker 1: gonna do. I already have it all planned. I'm gonna go.
Speaker 1: I go to la at the end of August for
Speaker 1: some work, and then I go on this fishing trip
Speaker 1: with my dad in September. And then when I get
Speaker 1: back from the fish fishing trip, I'm gonna go to
Speaker 1: Chicago because my plastic shirt surgeon friend is there. He's
Speaker 1: gonna zap my face off. I'm gonna get well in
Speaker 1: Wisconsin and then oh that's perfect. Yeah, that's perfect. We'll
Speaker 1: come back mid September looking like Epstein a bowl. Babe.
Speaker 2: I love that. Take Take me to the around with
Speaker 2: your passport.
Speaker 1: Yeah, literally, someone throw me down the shark shoot.
Speaker 2: I love that. Plan, throw me down.
Speaker 1: The shute, babe. I'm ready to go.
Speaker 2: And that's the worst because I got laser and then
Speaker 2: like I was like, I feel fine. Then my face
Speaker 2: just started like peeling. Oh yeah, and I gotta give
Speaker 2: it like and I was like trying to put makeup
Speaker 2: on it.
Speaker 1: Oh no, It's like no, no, you can't and makeup.
Speaker 1: We're at that age too, where makeup the like less
Speaker 1: is more.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it makes you look old.
Speaker 1: It makes you look old. If you take one step
Speaker 1: in the wrong direction, it makes you look old, raggedy
Speaker 1: to fuck.
Speaker 2: I'm obsessed with the lower mercie. Yeah moisturizer, but I
Speaker 2: have the wrong shade on right now kind.
Speaker 1: Of okay, but it still looks good. I wear Bear
Speaker 1: Essentials has one that's a tinted moisturizer that's unreal. And
Speaker 1: then also my favorite for summer is actually Loreal Gloomy lotion.
Speaker 1: It's like this luminous lotion and it just makes you
Speaker 1: look like dewy and fresh. But you can't really pull
Speaker 1: that off in like fall or winter.
Speaker 2: It's more of like a sweating Yeah.
Speaker 1: They're like, is she greasy? She worked at a factory.
Speaker 1: She just get off at the factory. It's so funny.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I got really into road.
Speaker 1: Okay, a lot of people got really into Road.
Speaker 2: I left it all at Maddie's house. Okay, Well I
Speaker 2: found some old Jones Road.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, Jones Road. So that girl was worked
Speaker 1: at Bobby Brown.
Speaker 2: It is Bobby Brown.
Speaker 1: Bobby Brown the woman, m hm, and she started that
Speaker 1: she started, So she lost Bobby Brown the company she did,
Speaker 1: she must have no.
Speaker 2: I think she just wanted to start a new offshoot. Really,
Speaker 2: because her name is Bobby Brown, I didn't know that. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so Jones Road is her new company.
Speaker 1: Okay, because I tried it. They had this like it's
Speaker 1: supposed to be like a blemish reducing mask, and I
Speaker 1: put it on and I did look crazy. I looked
Speaker 1: so greasy and like it was too high coverage, and
Speaker 1: I was just like, I maybe I put it on wrong,
Speaker 1: but this is so bad.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I literally sent a picture and I was like, this
Speaker 1: is a no for me, and they just like were
Speaker 1: like keep it and refund.
Speaker 2: I didn't. I like it. Just some learning how to
Speaker 2: do makeup, and I got obsessed with all my new
Speaker 2: products and then I was like, oh, put them on
Speaker 2: for the podcast. And then I didn't have any of.
Speaker 1: The Yeah, I love a good. When I get obsessed
Speaker 1: with products, I just keep them because I'm like, we're good,
Speaker 1: We're good. I like get old pictures of myself when
Speaker 1: I thought I was really working that shit, and I
Speaker 1: just have like black eyeliner.
Speaker 2: Remember when it would just be like the one under the.
Speaker 1: Eye, just like that, and like all around it.
Speaker 2: I'd be like that, and then I would do like
Speaker 2: the like literally be like white under the eye. Yes,
Speaker 2: and then just bronzer everywhere.
Speaker 1: Bronze are everywhere.
Speaker 2: I don't even think I warm a scaa.
Speaker 1: I don't think anyone did. I think it was a
Speaker 1: moment in time when no one had a clue.
Speaker 2: And now it's like eleven year olds like have skincare routines. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm like, yeah, I was babysitting this girl and she'd
Speaker 2: like be like, can I do your makeup? You're like sure, yeah,
Speaker 2: why not?
Speaker 1: She like taught me how to contour? Oh, yes, was
Speaker 1: it true?
Speaker 2: Kardashian Kardashian, who's that one of the kids.
Speaker 1: True Kardashian, one of the babies. If you know, they
Speaker 1: all know how.
Speaker 3: To condour, they all know how to contour.
Speaker 1: You don't know whose life I really want Blue Ivy's. Yeah, God,
Speaker 1: she's just so cool.
Speaker 2: I don't know which one. Oh, Blue Ivy's jay Z's daughter.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Beyonce put some respect on it.
Speaker 2: At first, I was thinking, I don't know if it's racist,
Speaker 2: but I was thinking of Northwest.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, no, that's a that's a far cry, that's hounds.
Speaker 2: Like you want her life?
Speaker 1: Was like, I don't want her life. She seems it's
Speaker 1: pretty for her.
Speaker 2: Have you seen the videos of her when she's like
Speaker 2: being mean to Kim. Yeah, it's so funny.
Speaker 1: She's a nasty bully and it's hilarious.
Speaker 2: She looks just like Kanye. Yes, it's Blue Ivy. Who
Speaker 2: does she look like?
Speaker 1: Blue Ivy looks like Beyonce. Okay, she's got a little
Speaker 1: bit of Jay's facial structure. Like you can tell that Jay, You.
Speaker 2: Say it like a friend of yours?
Speaker 1: Jay? What's his real name? I don't even know. Jason
Speaker 1: Jared Jared Jared from Subways.
Speaker 2: Jared name miss Jared Nave Jared?
Speaker 1: Anyway, he's a pedophile. No, she's just so cool. She
Speaker 1: just like plays piano and dances and just has.
Speaker 2: Yeah hot, she was a backup. She danced in one
Speaker 2: of her.
Speaker 1: I know she's great, and then he like took over
Speaker 1: all the arenas this summer. Did you go to any
Speaker 1: of those?
Speaker 2: Did you?
Speaker 1: No? I didn't get the invite.
Speaker 2: Oh. One of my friends went actually to him thing
Speaker 2: at Yankee Stadium and there was so started at nine
Speaker 2: o'clock and they didn't go on to like twelve thirty.
Speaker 1: I heard that. I would be so pissed. I would
Speaker 1: I would have left. Yeah, I would have left. There's nothing.
Speaker 1: I would have waited four hours for including that.
Speaker 2: And she was like sober. She was like she was
Speaker 2: like taking the week off drinking. And I was like,
Speaker 2: you really didn't drink. She's like she got there at
Speaker 2: like seven pm.
Speaker 1: Oh. I was like, that's crazy.
Speaker 2: But I guess Rihanna came out and Eminem was there
Speaker 2: then I think the night before.
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't remember who else? I love Eminem, love love
Speaker 1: Where is he? I guess he just hangs out and
Speaker 1: mich again.
Speaker 2: I mean eight mile iconic Conic movie. It's so said
Speaker 2: Britney Murphy died.
Speaker 1: I know, but that whole thing is like a dark,
Speaker 1: twisted how did she drop? Well, they want you to
Speaker 1: think it's drugs. It seems a bit more like it
Speaker 1: was a poisoning.
Speaker 2: What who did it?
Speaker 1: Have You never watched this documentary.
Speaker 2: No, I just watched upscom Girl.
Speaker 1: Her and her husband both died from the same exact
Speaker 1: pneumonia based like lung disease, and so it seems like
Speaker 1: they moved into a house that was either haunted or
Speaker 1: somebody poisoned them in it, and they both died from
Speaker 1: like a very rare lung disease. Was it like from
Speaker 1: mold or something possibly, but nobody really got to the
Speaker 1: bottom of it. And then I think so Britney Spears
Speaker 1: had lived in the house before and she moved out
Speaker 1: because she's like, this house is fucking haunted. And then
Speaker 1: Brittany Murphy and her husband moved in and they died
Speaker 1: really close sweet out long it was there had been
Speaker 1: under like two years in that house.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but there's a whole documentary about it, and like
Speaker 1: you have to watch that. Yeah, it's very it's sad.
Speaker 1: Brittany Murphy was so fucking.
Speaker 2: Talented new Lee Weeds are just married?
Speaker 1: That just married was good? And she was in what
Speaker 1: was that one about the beauty pageants dropped dead gorgeous.
Speaker 1: Yes she was in that. Yes, Peter's gay dad.
Speaker 2: Okay, I need to rewatch it. Who else is in that?
Speaker 1: Uh? What's her name? Not Kristen Wig, Kirsten Dunst.
Speaker 2: Okay, ye, I need to rewatch that. And that's what
Speaker 2: the mom is one poisoning somebody.
Speaker 1: Yes it's Alice Shanny. Yes, yes, it's a fucking killer
Speaker 1: movie movie rules. Yeah. Okay, So New York's been chaotic.
Speaker 1: Have you run into any chaos.
Speaker 2: Just to look in the mirror?
Speaker 1: In the mirror, Okay, I need to go over the
Speaker 1: dating apps.
Speaker 2: It's terrible out there, you think, so, oh my god,
Speaker 2: have you been on them?
Speaker 1: Yeah, But I'm just like I think I'm looking through
Speaker 1: them now like such a fuck boy. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't care if you don't have a job. I
Speaker 1: don't care if you don't have a house. I don't
Speaker 1: care if you live on a bike. I don't care.
Speaker 1: As long as you're hot, and you're like a little
Speaker 1: funny that, like the bar is to entry is in
Speaker 1: fucking hell the bar, so it's really it's not a
Speaker 1: bad place to be when your bar is so unbelievably low.
Speaker 1: Like I don't want to date anyone not interested. I'm
Speaker 1: happy in my place. I'm not gonna let a man
Speaker 1: come in and fucking ruin it again.
Speaker 2: But you gotta be careful STDs. Oh these guys get older,
Speaker 2: they have them all, and.
Speaker 1: Don't we all. The bigger the tits, the bigger the tits,
Speaker 1: the more sttds. I talked to a guy.
Speaker 2: I feel like it was like it was playing a
Speaker 2: game of like the you know the Russian dolls.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they have like one thing, ye yeah.
Speaker 2: He was like really. I was like, oh, this guy's
Speaker 2: so cute and nice, and he's like saying like one thing,
Speaker 2: like oh, like I went to a concert and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 2: that's so Funny's like, yeah, I went with my girlfriend.
Speaker 2: And then I was like, oh, like your friend who
Speaker 2: was a girl? He was like yeah, I mean she's
Speaker 2: not my girlfriend. She has a husband. And I'm like
Speaker 2: what are well?
Speaker 1: Yeah, what's going it's going.
Speaker 2: I'm like, it's getting weirder and weirder. And then he's
Speaker 2: like I'm also bisexual, and I'm like, enough enough.
Speaker 1: With the doll. You're gay, come out of the classt.
Speaker 2: I was like, and he goes, I hope none of
Speaker 2: this was too loaded for you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I was like, okay, okay, yeah, no it
Speaker 1: was yeah, it was yeah. No, guys are so funny.
Speaker 1: It's always the brokest guys on these apps that are like,
Speaker 1: I just want to let you know I'm not interested
Speaker 1: in monogamy. I'm like, I just want to let you know.
Speaker 1: I'm not interested in dating a homeless guy. We're good, No,
Speaker 1: but like the barrier to entry solo. And I'm so
Speaker 1: uninterested in partnership right now. I couldn't be less interested.
Speaker 2: Nothing could be better for your career. Then it's about
Speaker 2: that you're about to take off.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I just need that's what. That's it. I'm
Speaker 1: here to work, I'm here to write, and every once
Speaker 1: in a while I'll smash. But that's it.
Speaker 2: I love for you.
Speaker 1: But I'm not really worried about STD's because I think
Speaker 1: guys were condoms I didn't used to do. I didn't
Speaker 1: used to like them, but then I but now I'm
Speaker 1: just too old. I'm too old to like gamble like that.
Speaker 2: I always said I'm too old to catch an STD.
Speaker 1: Yeah, gamblings, that's that's a hology.
Speaker 2: Campaign, like the hockey team came in nowhere.
Speaker 1: Yeah, all of them, all of them, all of them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know. That's how I actually found out I had
Speaker 1: chlamydia in college.
Speaker 2: Is I sucked the hockey team.
Speaker 1: No, the basketball team. I was talking to this girl
Speaker 1: who was like so upset. She was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: So and so gave me chlamydia. And I was like wait.
Speaker 1: I was like, when did you fuck him? And it
Speaker 1: was a date that predated when I fucked him. I
Speaker 1: was like, oh god, damn it. I was like, so
Speaker 1: I have chlamydia and she's like, oh my god, you
Speaker 1: fucked up too. I was like, everyone's sucked him. Relax,
Speaker 1: let's go. I just hand in hand. We went to
Speaker 1: the nurse doctor.
Speaker 2: That's so funny. I thought I had herpes for like
Speaker 2: a year because I had sex with this guy who
Speaker 2: was like the hottest guy in one of the frats.
Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, this rules, you know, and
Speaker 2: this rules and this girl who he gave a deaf
Speaker 2: girl herpes. Oh, and she was like and then I
Speaker 2: was like you're what And he's like, you can have
Speaker 2: hippies too, and I was like what. And then I
Speaker 2: was like, I was like, you got me harpies. He's like,
Speaker 2: where did you hear that, and I was like, I
Speaker 2: heard it from a girl who can't hear, you know.
Speaker 2: And then I went to the doctors like you're fine.
Speaker 2: I'm like, keep checking draw my blood. I got like
Speaker 2: obsessed with it. They're like, you have to stop coming
Speaker 2: in for blood work, Clay, and I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1: Okay, not right. Oh yeah. So anyway, at the big
Speaker 1: age of thirty seven, I don't plan on getting my
Speaker 1: first incurable STD. That's not that's not on the hit list.
Speaker 1: But I will say there's a lot of hot men
Speaker 1: in New York. Yes, not so many funny ones. And
Speaker 1: that's gonna be. That's gonna be.
Speaker 2: Where you mean, like comics too or no no no
Speaker 2: no in l are pretty unfunny. Huh.
Speaker 1: Well, I don't think so.
Speaker 2: This is a classic New York tape.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I don't think so. I think they're good.
Speaker 1: I think everyone's fine. I don't want to get to.
Speaker 2: A certain level. Everyone's good. But when you're first starting,
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: Really pay attention to everyone else.
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 1: I just don't care what everyone else is doing. I'm
Speaker 1: not interested.
Speaker 2: Same like I have no why haunted what I just
Speaker 2: how like maybe I made it up.
Speaker 1: Was it something from that boy?
Speaker 2: Probably? But you have it in my head. I'm gonna
Speaker 2: leave here with the pneumonia.
Speaker 1: Haunting, Brittany Murphy haunting.
Speaker 2: Can't I get.
Speaker 1: Murphy well, haunted?
Speaker 2: It's just a street car, the Brittany and Brittany Murphytty
Speaker 2: and Britty Murphy.
Speaker 1: Anyway, I did her podcast and now I'm dead. Oh.
Speaker 2: First, I was like, you did Brittany Murphy's pot. I'm like,
Speaker 2: shore restarted. I'm like, oh my god, oh my god.
Speaker 2: I'm just a deaf girl with her, just a girl
Speaker 2: with her.
Speaker 1: That's okay.
Speaker 2: We all was on real You think, oh, that's a
Speaker 2: blind girl, a blind person. They'd be pretty good at
Speaker 2: not getting a nice because they could, they could still
Speaker 2: reading things.
Speaker 1: Could feel it out.
Speaker 2: Okay, move on, I no know what.
Speaker 1: Not above gaslighting a blind girl. No, he'll be like
Speaker 1: I just got it caught my zipper earlier at the gym.
Speaker 2: Do you ever watch that show Love Is Blind?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Okay, I had. I don't watch reality TV.
Speaker 1: I mean I watched like one or two seasons and
Speaker 1: then I had to stop because it was like pissing
Speaker 1: me off.
Speaker 2: Well, I was like, I'm gonna I don't watch reality
Speaker 2: TV like I hate it for some reason, say the
Speaker 2: least girly, Like I just I can't all my friends
Speaker 2: like watching it.
Speaker 1: I'm just like, this sucks so dumb.
Speaker 2: And I put on Love is Blind because one of
Speaker 2: my friends is like, it's so funny, it's so good.
Speaker 2: And there was a woman on it who was talking
Speaker 2: about how she's looking for love because she's actually going
Speaker 2: has a disease where she will be going blind right soon.
Speaker 1: I'm like, what is this degenerative disease?
Speaker 2: But she's went on Love is Blind to meet someone
Speaker 2: before she goes really blind, Like.
Speaker 1: Okay, love is about to be actually blind?
Speaker 2: That is crazy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I guess she's the perfect candidate for it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she really doesn't care what the reveal like, she really
Speaker 1: doesn't care what he looks like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you'd think you'd want to take your last
Speaker 2: days of sight not pretending to be blind.
Speaker 1: Right right? Not in a cube?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, all they're casting for Love is Blind in New York?
Speaker 2: So oh are you gonna do it?
Speaker 1: No? Not interested in love?
Speaker 2: How many times am I to tell you I'm just
Speaker 2: interested in blind?
Speaker 1: Yeah, just interested in somebody blindfolding me and choking me.
Speaker 1: I love that, not the love part.
Speaker 2: It always works out with those couples.
Speaker 1: It always works out.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 1: It's pretty high success, right, but it's getting lower and
Speaker 1: lower because all the idiots are getting involved in it. Okay,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about this. Yes, there's a naked
Speaker 1: man facing a slew of charges after surviving a jump
Speaker 1: from the Brooklyn Bridge. A forty four year old man
Speaker 1: is facing a slew of charges after he jumped off
Speaker 1: the Brooklyn Bridge naked on Sunday and survived the fall.
Speaker 1: He's charged with reckless and danger making graffiti, question mark,
Speaker 1: public lewdness, criminal trespass, and disorderly conduct. Oh man, that's
Speaker 1: so funny to like go up there and try and
Speaker 1: kill yourself and then you just land and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: you're going to jail for That's like idiot.
Speaker 2: That's like the classic like uh, sad psych word girl
Speaker 2: who's like I can't even kill myself. Right, This guy
Speaker 2: got charged with being a loser. That's crazy.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, Also, if you're gonna jump, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I guess I've never thought about it. Jumping has never
Speaker 1: crossed my mind as a way I would go, But
Speaker 1: certainly I would not take my clothes off if I
Speaker 1: were too, because.
Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe he didn't want a cell phone to get wet. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I don't know. I feel like it's like that's kind
Speaker 2: of like charging a guy who just tried to kill himself.
Speaker 2: Like he's like, you know how, I'm not gonna pay
Speaker 2: these charges.
Speaker 1: Try again, Yeah, because I'm gonna jump off a taller
Speaker 1: break San Francisco.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's crazy.
Speaker 1: It is crazy too, just thinking like you picked the
Speaker 1: wrong bridge, especially in a city where there's so many
Speaker 1: buildings that are definitely tall enough.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he tries to kill himself because he has problems,
Speaker 2: and now he has more problems.
Speaker 1: Nice and chill. I remember I was going to brunch
Speaker 1: once with my girlfriend and she was like a little
Speaker 1: bit late, and she walks in, and this is back
Speaker 1: when I was drinking, and I like had already had
Speaker 1: two glasses of rose, and I was like, bitch, where
Speaker 1: have you been? And she's like, oh, so annoyed, and
Speaker 1: I was like, what happened. She's like, I was charging
Speaker 1: my meat or I was plugging my meter, and some
Speaker 1: fucking girl killed herself right next to me. She jumped
Speaker 1: off the parking structure and just.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: She's like, I took all the cops and I had
Speaker 1: to like make sure they took over the situation. I
Speaker 1: was like, was she dead? And she's like yeah, And
Speaker 1: I was like, how are you so nonchalantly just coming
Speaker 1: to get rose with me?
Speaker 2: Yeah, She's like, actually I'll have a bloody instead.
Speaker 1: Actually I have a bloody.
Speaker 2: That's like in New York, it's like whenever the train
Speaker 2: is delayed. Yeah, so people are like, they're like, oh,
Speaker 2: we have like somebody an incident, like someone's in the tracks.
Speaker 2: Yeah and jumped. People like, ah, what the fun? Literally
Speaker 2: like yes, we're just mad because they're gonna be late
Speaker 2: for work.
Speaker 1: Yesterday, I was so annoyed. I had to get up
Speaker 1: to Queens for the shoot that we were doing, and
Speaker 1: somebody jumped and I was just like, so what does
Speaker 1: this mean? Because I'm new here, like I'm new to
Speaker 1: the Are we sad? I'm like no, I don't, not
Speaker 1: about the feelings. I'm like, how long of a delay
Speaker 1: are we talking here?
Speaker 2: Usually depends on how fat the person is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was like, well, there's a human underneath train
Speaker 1: tracks right now, and I'm just like, h huh, but
Speaker 1: how long until I get to queens.
Speaker 2: But I'm in a short film.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm in a short film and.
Speaker 2: My face is not in it that much.
Speaker 1: But I'm there, But I'm I'm there, and I just
Speaker 1: got a boop job in this short film.
Speaker 2: Yes, expect to get my fake tits on.
Speaker 1: I have to go put my my prosthetic tits on.
Speaker 2: So you're like a lot are we talking? I'm playing
Speaker 2: hot girl and I'm in my late thirties, so I
Speaker 2: don't have that many more hat girl casting opportunities. I'm
Speaker 2: about five years left.
Speaker 1: Literally until I turned into Hot Raisin.
Speaker 2: And I turned into hot Mom.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly if that, if we make it, unless I
Speaker 1: throw myself in front of the train that comes next.
Speaker 1: It is. It is. There's a lot of people, a
Speaker 1: lot of people be jumping.
Speaker 2: A lot of people will be jumping, and there's that
Speaker 2: big thing where people are Oh, someone jumped the other
Speaker 2: day and it was I read an article. I don't
Speaker 2: read the article, I just read the headlines. But someone
Speaker 2: like climbed to the top of the Brooklyn Bridge I
Speaker 2: think it was the brook or the Manhattan Bridge, and
Speaker 2: they were like a delivery person, like a door dash
Speaker 2: or like a grub hub and they had their big
Speaker 2: grub Hub bag with them and they climbed to the
Speaker 2: top and jump, but they brought their delivery with them.
Speaker 1: Damn. I would be so pissed if that was my food.
Speaker 1: I'd be like, really, you're gonna commit suicide with my
Speaker 1: lobster on your back? At least drop off the order.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and the order is like you know how sometimes
Speaker 2: shows you like the bike and the bikes or something,
Speaker 2: and you're like, why is.
Speaker 1: It the water? Was the bike climbing up at the bridge?
Speaker 1: This person scaling the Manhattan Bridge called DoorDash, excuse me,
Speaker 1: hasn't moved for a while. Up there, goes oh Blummet.
Speaker 1: I think my lobster rolls in the Hudson. Anyway, could
Speaker 1: you send another one? Oh man, Everyone's it's sad. People's
Speaker 1: mental health, it's not okay. Speaking of witch, this is
Speaker 1: one of my favorite stories. Okay of the week. Mac
Speaker 1: Man attacked with a meat cleaver during suspected road rage
Speaker 1: incidents in Queens. This makes sense for Queens. I wasn't
Speaker 1: there long, meat clever, meat clever.
Speaker 2: Because we were there just yesterday. This adds up, This
Speaker 2: adds up.
Speaker 1: No, I just was there and I was looking around
Speaker 1: and I was like, it's giving meat cleaver and traffic
Speaker 1: energy meat clear. It's like you got to just like
Speaker 1: put yourself in the shoes of this man. I'm coming
Speaker 1: him from work. He's thinking, you know, I gotta go
Speaker 1: home to my bitch wife.
Speaker 2: Oh that's the meat.
Speaker 1: Oh that's just like a fucking butcher knife. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: a butcher knife. He's probably a butcher, goes home to
Speaker 1: his bitch wife, probably complaining about the fucking bills. Some
Speaker 1: guy cuts him off in traffic and he's like, you
Speaker 1: know what, cut for cut, cut for cut. You fucked
Speaker 1: with the wrong butcher. You know, you know what I'm
Speaker 1: gonna do. But what's embarrassing is that he hit this guy.
Speaker 1: He struck this man five times and none of them
Speaker 1: were lethal. That's skillful skillful.
Speaker 2: That's like you know, when you watch like the movie
Speaker 2: like Scream and Stuff, people get stabbed like thirty times
Speaker 2: and you're still like crawling around.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like take me out. That's number one way I
Speaker 1: don't want to go getting stabbed. Yes, yeah, that's not
Speaker 1: dreamy for me. And unfortunately, I have had an astrologist
Speaker 1: tell me that I'm gonna get murdered for my money?
Speaker 2: What when?
Speaker 1: When am I gotta have money? Is the first question.
Speaker 1: Second of all murdered, Oh, very annoying.
Speaker 2: God worded. Is this the same astrologist?
Speaker 1: No, No, that's a different guy. This guy, I think
Speaker 1: he's nuts. I hope he's nuts, because I really don't
Speaker 1: want to get murdered. No, it doesn't sound so chill,
Speaker 1: it doesn't sound good. And like he's like, there's weapons
Speaker 1: and inheritance in like your house, your death house, And
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, does there have to be we give.
Speaker 2: You an age.
Speaker 1: No, maybe they'll just go non peacefully in your sleep,
Speaker 1: and maybe they'll just stab me in my sleep. Whatever.
Speaker 2: Wow, that's terrible. I'm so sorry about your almost loss.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry about your death.
Speaker 2: So sorry, so sorry about your Congrats on the inheritance,
Speaker 2: Rats on all the success.
Speaker 1: Rats on the money that's coming from somewhere.
Speaker 2: I saw a guy like a year or something ago,
Speaker 2: and he hit a guy on a bike, and then
Speaker 2: the guy in the bike got out of the car
Speaker 2: and I got off, got off the bike and started
Speaker 2: screaming at the guy in the car. The guy got
Speaker 2: out of the car and then the guy was like
Speaker 2: yelling his face, and the guy start opening his trunk
Speaker 2: and he pulled out a golf club and started chasing
Speaker 2: the guy down the street with the golf club, and
Speaker 2: the guy was like holding the bike up and the
Speaker 2: other guy had the golf club, and everyone was just
Speaker 2: standing there watching, and I was.
Speaker 1: Like, this rules people are so sick. Like, imagine hitting
Speaker 1: a guy on a bike and your first response not
Speaker 1: being oh my god, are you okay? Do you need help? Yeah,
Speaker 1: your first response being like I know how to finish
Speaker 1: him off.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, the guys on bikes are crazy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, totally.
Speaker 2: And then also like in Texas, it's like you got
Speaker 2: to be careful, like if you talk shit to people,
Speaker 2: because it's like they'll pull a gun out, they'll shoot you.
Speaker 2: So it's like you can't have like New York road rage.
Speaker 1: No, you don't ever know who you're fucking with. That's
Speaker 1: the thing. I remember one time I had a notoriously
Speaker 1: bad road rage incident that haunted me forever. I was
Speaker 1: in my drinking days. I was not drunk, but I
Speaker 1: was very hungover. I was eating taco bell in my
Speaker 1: jeep like Beepep, He's got the keys to the jeep,
Speaker 1: And this guy. It was in Venice Beach. This guy
Speaker 1: had like some sort of luxury convertible and he kept like,
Speaker 1: you know, like pushing his car over at me, trying
Speaker 1: to get me to let him in. And I was like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not letting you in. And then he got like
Speaker 1: right up next to me, like under an inch away
Speaker 1: from me. Yeah, And I breaked and I rolled my
Speaker 1: window down and I opened my giant doctor Pepper and
Speaker 1: I threw it h into his convertible, into the car. Yes,
Speaker 1: and then what And then he just he stopped because
Speaker 1: he was like, oh, this is a mad woman. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, that I did a bad thing. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was like, that's that's like irreparable damage that I did.
Speaker 1: And I went home and I felt so bad and
Speaker 1: I was really quiet, and my ex husband was like,
Speaker 1: what's going on?
Speaker 2: And I was like, it's so funny.
Speaker 1: I was like I did something naughty and he's like,
Speaker 1: what did you do? And I told him. He's like, Brittany.
Speaker 1: He's like, if he calls the cops and they have
Speaker 1: our license plate, like, you're gonna get arrested and arrested
Speaker 1: for that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh for littering.
Speaker 1: They're not littering. It's also like like I don't know,
Speaker 1: I don't know what the exact charges would be, but
Speaker 1: definitely vandalism, Like.
Speaker 2: What is it? What's that movie? And he's like littering
Speaker 2: and littering and littering and is that Super Troopers?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it would have been something. It just that's
Speaker 1: definitely illegal.
Speaker 2: And the way it did it feel really fun in
Speaker 2: the moment.
Speaker 1: In the moment, I was like, what's all You're like,
Speaker 1: I am like with this bitch. And then I drove
Speaker 1: away and I was like, I'm a bad person and
Speaker 1: I'm going to hell and that is going to get
Speaker 1: so much damage to that man's car and it was
Speaker 1: such a nice car, and I was like, oh, I
Speaker 1: feel really bad. But luckily I was like two seconds
Speaker 1: away from my house, so I just got home and
Speaker 1: I was like, I should probably get sober. That was
Speaker 1: one of those moments I was the rock bottom. No,
Speaker 1: it was one of the moments where I was like,
Speaker 1: I think, maybe this isn't working for me the way
Speaker 1: I had hoped.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I have so many rock bottoms, you know,
Speaker 2: sell them on eBay, sell them on A friend said
Speaker 2: that to me. Ony're like, She's like you have so
Speaker 2: many rock bottoms, you should start like giving them out.
Speaker 1: And I was like, thank you, thank you, riding up
Speaker 1: your ass, slut riding up your ass. Okay, yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't know. If I got meat cleaved in traffic, I
Speaker 1: would probably think about the way I drive.
Speaker 2: Do we have any details? I'm like.
Speaker 1: The man was attacked on one hundred and twenty six Street
Speaker 1: in twenty six Avenue in College. Classic detectives say the
Speaker 1: stabbing started with an argument and crash. No, we don't
Speaker 1: want this stop. This is what happens.
Speaker 3: I feel like such a boomer when I try and else.
Speaker 1: Huh. Yeah. The victim was stabbed in the head, arm
Speaker 1: chest with a meat cleaver. He was taken to New
Speaker 1: York Presbyterian and Queens where he's in stable condition. Construction
Speaker 1: worker Michael Mattera of Long Beach was pulling into work
Speaker 1: on twenty sixth Avenue just five thirty am and said,
Speaker 1: at first thought he thought the victim was dead. Oh,
Speaker 1: this is a five am road rage incident. That's like
Speaker 1: he was waking up with his demons and his meat cleaver.
Speaker 1: He got in his car and he's like the first
Speaker 1: person that cuts me off.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he needed he needed God.
Speaker 1: But the guy got away. That's crazy, not normal, that's crazy.
Speaker 1: Oh I guess okay, so two guys ran up to him.
Speaker 1: My buddy, who he thought it was just a fight
Speaker 1: and ran out and intervened, was like, yo, yo, get
Speaker 1: off and get off him. And thank god he did,
Speaker 1: otherwise the guy would have kept hacking, Mattera said. The
Speaker 1: attacker took off in his Honda CRV Classic Classic get
Speaker 1: Away Classic get away car before dumping it about two
Speaker 1: blocks away. Police are still canvassing the area and looking
Speaker 1: for possible surveillance vide.
Speaker 2: They haven't found the guy. That's cool.
Speaker 1: Fucking there's a meat cleaver at large.
Speaker 2: That's crazy.
Speaker 1: Oh this one's this one? I mean, here another update
Speaker 1: and how how unwell everyone is in New York.
Speaker 2: This makes me feel good about myself.
Speaker 1: Me too. Honestly, I thought I was having I thought
Speaker 1: I was struggling, and.
Speaker 2: I thought I was mentally ill, and then I'm just like.
Speaker 1: Turns out we're fine.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Also, funny story. I put up that bird feeder because
Speaker 1: there was the first day I got here, there was.
Speaker 2: A cardinal on there and I was like, oh, the pigeons.
Speaker 1: Bit, it's just pigeons. And it's pigeons who like attack
Speaker 1: each other.
Speaker 2: They get like they rape each other.
Speaker 1: Yes, they get like crazy fights, and I have to
Speaker 1: go out there and weave a spoon in their face
Speaker 1: to get them. So once this bag of food is done,
Speaker 1: we're done with the pigeon.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you tried to do a good thing.
Speaker 1: I tried to feed the cardinals. But apparently I think
Speaker 1: that cardinal was like a spirit animal being like you're
Speaker 1: in the right place at the right time.
Speaker 2: I don't think you.
Speaker 1: And it was pigeon. Yeah literally, Okay, so they're like.
Speaker 2: I'm Cinderella, like look at my gowns and my pigeons,
Speaker 2: you know, in my beautiful birds.
Speaker 1: And I were like, fuck my mice and my cockroachs, Like,
Speaker 1: welcome to New York, babe. Okay, So this is another
Speaker 1: one that's gonna make us feel good about our mental health.
Speaker 1: Rabbid nyc Nut chomps on cheek of senior citizen who
Speaker 1: confronted him over loud music. And this is the other thing.
Speaker 1: If somebody is playing a boombox with their whole heart
Speaker 1: and you don't like the music, you gotta let it go.
Speaker 2: That's like on the train, these kids came on the
Speaker 2: other day and I was just trying to read a book.
Speaker 2: I was trying to Readrop the Rock to talk about
Speaker 2: like dropping your demons in sobriety book and I was like,
Speaker 2: I gotta read this because my sponsor was like, you
Speaker 2: gotta read this. And then these kids came in with
Speaker 2: like massive, like just like speakers that they rolled on
Speaker 2: and they were like all the kids were like they
Speaker 2: were like wearing like Puerto Rican flags on their back
Speaker 2: and like blasting like music in Spanish, like so loud.
Speaker 2: And I was like I already had a headache because
Speaker 2: my grandpa, yeah, And I was like I want to
Speaker 2: fucking die right now. And then they people kept coming
Speaker 2: on and I'm like, why is no one yelling at them?
Speaker 2: And like I wanted to like look over and be
Speaker 2: like shut the fuck up, but like these kids would
Speaker 2: have fucked me up. And I was like, this is
Speaker 2: not my place. Also, it's just girl reading a book.
Speaker 2: I'm just just stay in my lane.
Speaker 1: It's also probably God giving you the opportunity to practice
Speaker 1: what you're reading. Drop the Rock, don't and you're not
Speaker 1: in control.
Speaker 2: I know, but I don't get to I was in
Speaker 2: such an angry mood.
Speaker 1: That.
Speaker 2: I was like, I really wanted to like yell out.
Speaker 2: You're like, what am I gonna do?
Speaker 1: You're like, I'm not gonna drop the rock. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: throw the fucking rock at them, these Puerto Rican uds. No,
Speaker 1: it's uh, you just gotta let them go. When people
Speaker 1: are being loud and crazy, just know that the demons
Speaker 1: they're fighting with are much scarier than the ones you're
Speaker 1: fighting with.
Speaker 2: Or I was thinking. Part of me was like, oh,
Speaker 2: these are just a bunch of like teenagers and they're
Speaker 2: having a good time.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: They think they're being like goofy and fun and like
Speaker 2: I used to like light cigarettes in subway stations.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was drunk.
Speaker 2: Come when people rebably hated me. Yeah, but I'm like,
Speaker 2: then I've made me feel like a grandpa when I
Speaker 2: was like, turn down that Marrazac. Yeah, and they're like
Speaker 2: turned down for what?
Speaker 1: Turned down for what? Oh my god?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: It is funny when you get to the age where
Speaker 1: you start being annoyed with the behavior that you used
Speaker 1: to participate in.
Speaker 2: Oh, like with like loud, Yeah, I'm like, why are
Speaker 2: these kids are having a party. I'm used to like
Speaker 2: not sleep and like blast music all night.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know. I hear people having fun and I'm like,
Speaker 1: stop it, shut up. I'm trying to watch my shows,
Speaker 1: try to read, trying to read a book to be
Speaker 1: a better person. Yeah no, but anyway, this guy was
Speaker 1: playing loud music. Some other guy was like, turn the
Speaker 1: music down, buddy, and.
Speaker 2: He bit a man's cheek.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this this guy bit this man's cheek, like and
Speaker 1: so bit it out. Also just like an old guy,
Speaker 1: like old creepy skin. Just well, but.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you went to the crepery wanted some French and he.
Speaker 1: Got a way too. So I don't Is there a
Speaker 1: single police officer in New York? What is going on?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Debatable, it's debatable what's going on here?
Speaker 1: Mamdani. I don't know what's going on. I don't know
Speaker 1: really what's going on politically, and I don't care. We
Speaker 1: should call him podcas Yeah, we should him on the
Speaker 1: pod call him. Does he have a landline? One eight
Speaker 1: hundred maybe one? Domini?
Speaker 2: I don't even know how.
Speaker 1: Either Moon, Donnie, moom, Donnie.
Speaker 2: Mom, Domini, Mom, Domini.
Speaker 1: Mom, duminy, whatever. Does I don't know. I don't vote,
Speaker 1: does it? It doesn't matter. Look at those ugly ass
Speaker 1: fucking pigeons out there.
Speaker 2: It looks like it's the same guy, is it? And
Speaker 2: he's fat. That's a fat pigeon.
Speaker 1: I know he's fine. Well he better, he's eating good.
Speaker 1: They were literally fighting each other and then I had
Speaker 1: to put another dish with other food out so they
Speaker 1: would stop fighting.
Speaker 2: And now they've be He's such a pigeon pleaser.
Speaker 1: You know. I'm such a pigeon pleaser. But now when
Speaker 1: they don't have food and they want food, they come
Speaker 1: up and they knock their little beaks on my window.
Speaker 2: Excuse me, my boyfriend m well he calls me his
Speaker 2: ex girlfriend. No, yea, when is she not on? But
Speaker 2: he he's from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and he when he like
Speaker 2: first moved here, he's like visiting and he came to
Speaker 2: see me and he shows up at my apartment and
Speaker 2: he has like blood all over his T shirt and
Speaker 2: then he was like all rattled and he's like and
Speaker 2: I was like, what happened? He was like, I was
Speaker 2: just walking on the street. A pigeon it flew really
Speaker 2: hard into my chest and just died. He was like,
Speaker 2: it just flew like really hard hit me, and just
Speaker 2: like he's like the window and me just like hit
Speaker 2: the floor and blood all over me, and it was
Speaker 2: just like on the oh no. Everyone was like looking
Speaker 2: at me, but nobody was saying yeah. And he was like,
Speaker 2: what do you pick it up? Like what? He's like,
Speaker 2: I don't know what to do. I was like, see
Speaker 2: even the pigeons here, I think you walk too slow.
Speaker 1: Like, get out of the way, buddy, literally smoking a
Speaker 1: fucking Newport. Oh my god, thank you for coming on
Speaker 1: the pod. You've been amazing.
Speaker 2: I had the best time.
Speaker 1: Where can everyone follow you?
Speaker 2: You can follow me at Chloe Labranch on YouTube and
Speaker 2: on Instagram. I don't really post on anything else. I should,
Speaker 2: but I'm lazy.
Speaker 1: I get it. I don't even have my phone. Good
Speaker 1: for you, dream. You just have a social media girl
Speaker 1: that does everything or nothing at all. I don't know
Speaker 1: what she's really doing.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: You're too busy feeding birds. I'm too busy with my
Speaker 1: fight club of pigeons. All right, You've been amazing.
Speaker 2: That was fun.
Speaker 1: It was fun.