WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.120 The package was waiting for me on the court's kitchen 2 00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:08.160 cantle when I came in with the grocery bag biting 3 00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:10.960 into my wrist. It was bathed in late afternoons on 4 00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:13.720 an alburn box with crisp corners, heavy enough that I 5 00:00:13.759 --> 00:00:17.239 almost fumbled it while moving the ex acide. My first thought, 6 00:00:17.320 --> 00:00:20.239 unreasonably was that Julia had ordered wireless hairphones, again, her 7 00:00:20.239 --> 00:00:23.719 frequent reward for finishing a big project. My second thought 8 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:26.920 was the handwriting on the label. It wasn't Julia's, but 9 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:29.039 some one had taken care to write both our names 10 00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:31.879 and capital letters, then underneath the name of a gallery 11 00:00:31.879 --> 00:00:34.719 I only recognized from the sharp blue logo. By the 12 00:00:34.719 --> 00:00:37.000 time I put the groceries away, I'd already a peeled 13 00:00:37.039 --> 00:00:40.200 the take back inside a fall to thick with tissue, 14 00:00:40.200 --> 00:00:42.600 a pale envelope, and what I realized after a beat 15 00:00:42.640 --> 00:00:45.439 was a number print. The image stopped me. A bride 16 00:00:45.479 --> 00:00:49.359 oversaturated lynicotta city rooftops sharply shadowed in indigo and andreine. 17 00:00:49.399 --> 00:00:51.719 The style exactly the kind of thing Julia rolled her 18 00:00:51.719 --> 00:00:54.240 eyes up, but that I'd always loved. I'd glimpsed this 19 00:00:54.320 --> 00:00:56.759 artist last month walking home alone through forg after a 20 00:00:56.840 --> 00:00:59.679 lecture i'd only partly followed. The print was signed in 21 00:00:59.679 --> 00:01:02.520 lipping gold pen. I let my fingers hover just above 22 00:01:02.560 --> 00:01:05.200 the paper, framed it would look right on the blank 23 00:01:05.239 --> 00:01:07.560 wall at the foot of our bed. For a second, 24 00:01:07.599 --> 00:01:09.959 I was just grateful, And then I noticed the card. 25 00:01:10.319 --> 00:01:14.719 Sam said, the handwriting fast, a little uncertain. Julia's couldn't 26 00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:17.040 resist this after our Friday night at Spruce and Pined 27 00:01:17.120 --> 00:01:22.319 routine your city now too, Lava Jay. I read it twice, 28 00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:24.799 the words Friday night at Spruce and Pine pined nothing 29 00:01:24.840 --> 00:01:27.719 in my memory. I tried to picture Julia's dry voice, 30 00:01:27.719 --> 00:01:30.760 her smirk, some old joke, Spruce and Pine. It sounded 31 00:01:30.799 --> 00:01:33.640 like a cocktail bar, maybe a bakery. Was it a 32 00:01:33.680 --> 00:01:37.799 mistake coat? Had I forgotten a joke between us? Or 33 00:01:37.879 --> 00:01:41.079 upon she'd made at someone else's expense. When Julia came 34 00:01:41.120 --> 00:01:43.400 through the door forty minutes later, the print was still 35 00:01:43.400 --> 00:01:46.439 on the table, half cocooned and tissue. She was flushed, wahine, 36 00:01:46.519 --> 00:01:49.079 chilled at city late. She set her toute back down 37 00:01:49.120 --> 00:01:51.400 and let her work jacket slide off her shoulder without 38 00:01:51.400 --> 00:01:56.040 looking up. Her phone bauzed. She ignored it. One day, 39 00:01:56.640 --> 00:01:59.000 I asked, trying to keep my voice newful, and she nodded, 40 00:01:59.159 --> 00:02:02.159 not meeting my eyes, already scanning the countertop for a glass. 41 00:02:02.799 --> 00:02:05.519 When she finally saw the print, she hesitated half a breath, 42 00:02:05.560 --> 00:02:08.960 her expression settling into something composed and almost bright. I 43 00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:11.840 pressed a card between my fingers. You really didn't have 44 00:02:11.879 --> 00:02:15.319 to go all out, I said, this is I summoned 45 00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:18.039 a watery laugh. The artist I was talking about months ago. 46 00:02:18.159 --> 00:02:20.479 I didn't even think you were listening. She leaned and 47 00:02:20.599 --> 00:02:22.479 kissed the top of my head and kept her hands 48 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:25.520 folded tight behind her back. Of course I was listening. 49 00:02:26.039 --> 00:02:28.479 There was something often to smile, more cautious than proud. 50 00:02:29.080 --> 00:02:31.639 I nudged the cow toward her and the notes Bruce 51 00:02:31.639 --> 00:02:34.400 and Pine. Did we have a joke about that? Shulia's 52 00:02:34.439 --> 00:02:36.439 mouth culled in a way I recognized from meeting. She 53 00:02:36.439 --> 00:02:39.560 couldn't be bothered to win. Oh that she said, lightly, 54 00:02:40.319 --> 00:02:42.439 Just something I heard from a coaker about a happy hour, 55 00:02:42.520 --> 00:02:44.360 one of those dumb running jokes in the break room. 56 00:02:44.439 --> 00:02:47.120 I thought it did Mickey laugh. It didn't sound like her, 57 00:02:47.240 --> 00:02:50.680 not exactly. Julia wasn't careless with private jokes. She didn't 58 00:02:50.680 --> 00:02:55.000 sprinkle them into expensive gestures as placeholders. It's a real place, 59 00:02:55.719 --> 00:02:58.240 I asked, my voice searching, and she shrugged. Fetching the 60 00:02:58.280 --> 00:03:00.919 wine opener from its drawer, I topped the card under 61 00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:03.240 the gallery folder, telling myself not to chase the question. 62 00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:06.879 Maybe it was nothing in New City, old streets, jokes 63 00:03:06.919 --> 00:03:09.719 that belonged to some one else's map. Julia's hair was 64 00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:11.759 damp with the city's drizzle. She opened the fridge and 65 00:03:11.800 --> 00:03:14.240 scanned the leftovers, humming under her breath, a sign that 66 00:03:14.280 --> 00:03:17.319 she wanted the subject closed. I watched her fingers gripped 67 00:03:17.319 --> 00:03:19.680 the cockscrew in deliberate circles, I starting from my face 68 00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:21.599 at the faucet, and I realized just how much she 69 00:03:21.639 --> 00:03:24.520 wanted this to pass unnoticed. So I thanked her again 70 00:03:24.560 --> 00:03:27.000 and let the silence gather, the print becoming another piece 71 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:28.680 of proof on our kitchen table of all I didn't 72 00:03:28.719 --> 00:03:31.080 know about my new life. There are two moments when 73 00:03:31.159 --> 00:03:33.639 you realize a relationship has changed. The first is a flicker, 74 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:36.199 a skip beat, barely registered. The second is a physical 75 00:03:36.199 --> 00:03:38.960 ich from the memory of ignoring the first. I didn't 76 00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:41.439 move to the city for love, or at least not 77 00:03:41.479 --> 00:03:45.400 only for love. Julie's promotion was size kai ape, real authority. 78 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:47.719 I could work from anywhere as long as I had 79 00:03:47.719 --> 00:03:51.280 WiFi and my drawing tablet. We'd made spreadsheets, poured wine 80 00:03:51.280 --> 00:03:53.879 on the floor of our old apartment, circled listings on Zillah. 81 00:03:54.439 --> 00:03:56.960 The idea was that we'd launch ourselves someone new together. 82 00:03:57.639 --> 00:04:00.800 At first, I believe it had worked. Our first weeks 83 00:04:00.800 --> 00:04:03.439 in the high rise apartment, everything shimmered with early promise. 84 00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:06.159 The city below us was a riot of color markets, 85 00:04:06.439 --> 00:04:09.199 river side walks, clattering trains, while our friends send as 86 00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:12.639 photos from the great January slush where we used to live. Julia, 87 00:04:12.680 --> 00:04:15.120 who'd always hated how tame our old neighborhood, felt, bloomed 88 00:04:15.120 --> 00:04:18.680 in anticipation. She'd staff meetings and business dinners, then returned 89 00:04:18.680 --> 00:04:21.680 to me with stories veiled office drama, a snippy board member, 90 00:04:21.720 --> 00:04:23.800 a restaurant she'd found on her walk home that I'd 91 00:04:23.800 --> 00:04:27.759 absolutely love. She bought me pastry shaped like fish, vegan TACCOs, 92 00:04:27.800 --> 00:04:30.800 tickets to lectures by writers i'd only half read. She 93 00:04:30.879 --> 00:04:33.079 would press her cold nose into my shoulder and offer 94 00:04:33.120 --> 00:04:34.879 a litany of city trivia. At this place had the 95 00:04:34.879 --> 00:04:37.120 best espresso. That building used to be a brothel. There 96 00:04:37.160 --> 00:04:40.120 is a hidden roof garden on sixth. I in turn 97 00:04:40.199 --> 00:04:43.040 found a rhythm of remote work commissions, quick turn illustrations 98 00:04:43.040 --> 00:04:45.360 for startups, a self imposed deadline for a picture book. 99 00:04:45.360 --> 00:04:48.839 I'd been tinkering with. My income sloped and surged. Julia's grew. 100 00:04:48.920 --> 00:04:51.519 It was never a sore point. She teased me about 101 00:04:51.519 --> 00:04:54.720 my used books in hand in greeting cards. I tease 102 00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:57.120 her about her shoe collection. Never quite comfortable in heels, 103 00:04:57.160 --> 00:05:00.600 She'd always come home barefoot, shoes tapped under her arm our. 104 00:05:00.600 --> 00:05:03.519 Differences were a game, a texture. I like to listen, 105 00:05:03.639 --> 00:05:07.079 She liked fix. Julia was ambition in a tailored pantsuit 106 00:05:07.279 --> 00:05:10.720 or sharp edges. I was a careful observer, though old soul. 107 00:05:10.839 --> 00:05:13.560 As our friends say, what connected us wasn't a city, 108 00:05:13.720 --> 00:05:16.120 but a sense of recognition. Julie's drive met my quiet 109 00:05:16.160 --> 00:05:18.920 willingness to step aside. Her outwardness drew me forward, and 110 00:05:19.040 --> 00:05:21.879 my patience seemed to make her relax. We used to 111 00:05:21.920 --> 00:05:25.199 host dinners in the old city camp tables must match silverware, 112 00:05:25.240 --> 00:05:29.040 too many candles, Pierre. Though the city's scale overwhelmed us, 113 00:05:29.839 --> 00:05:32.199 Chiulie's work moved at a brutal paste text at midnight. 114 00:05:32.360 --> 00:05:34.160 We can phone calls. And she warned me early on, 115 00:05:34.399 --> 00:05:37.279 these next months will be intense. I told myself that 116 00:05:37.399 --> 00:05:39.480 this was good, a sign of her ambition paying off. 117 00:05:40.079 --> 00:05:42.360 We could weather a season of distance for what came after. 118 00:05:43.120 --> 00:05:44.920 Our friends had been the web that kept us tie 119 00:05:44.920 --> 00:05:49.240 to ourselves, rooting Thursday game nights, hiking trips, loud birthday parties. 120 00:05:50.040 --> 00:05:54.199 Now I spent most evenings alone. Chiulia would drag herself intense, tired, 121 00:05:54.279 --> 00:05:57.319 sometimes two hours later than planned, apologizing and then dialing 122 00:05:57.399 --> 00:06:00.360 into another conference call. Her acts of affection came more 123 00:06:00.399 --> 00:06:03.240 transactional and expensive. Pastry from a new shop, a frame print, 124 00:06:03.360 --> 00:06:07.120 playlist curated for your work day. Julia's love language was gifts. 125 00:06:07.519 --> 00:06:09.920 Always had been. Should surprise me with concert tickets on 126 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:12.920 landon Tuesdays, sometimes just as aamic mug with my initials 127 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:15.879 arranged in a color she'd once heard me describe. Mine 128 00:06:15.920 --> 00:06:17.920 had always been time, both of us on the couch, 129 00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:20.199 her head in my lap, the city humming through the windows. 130 00:06:20.839 --> 00:06:23.279 She had always been a little allergic to domestic down time. 131 00:06:23.920 --> 00:06:25.639 I'd settle with tea and try to draw her in 132 00:06:25.680 --> 00:06:27.680 for a movie. She'd say, let's order take out. And 133 00:06:27.759 --> 00:06:30.240 work at the table instead. But in the old city 134 00:06:30.360 --> 00:06:33.240 it had been a negotiation. Here started to feel a 135 00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:36.040 movable occurrent to swim against. By the end of our 136 00:06:36.079 --> 00:06:37.920 first season in the new City, I'd learned how to 137 00:06:37.959 --> 00:06:39.759 film my days without waiting for her to come home, 138 00:06:39.920 --> 00:06:43.759 gallery strolls, coffee shops, sketching in city parks. But the 139 00:06:43.839 --> 00:06:46.399 truth was I missed her in a physical, unresolved way, 140 00:06:46.439 --> 00:06:48.600 the shape of her absence more palpable than her presence. 141 00:06:49.319 --> 00:06:53.639 Family didn't fill the space. Julie's parents were distant, almost abstract. 142 00:06:53.680 --> 00:06:56.040 I had met her mother twice, both times at funerals. 143 00:06:56.720 --> 00:06:59.079 My own were divorced and awkward, but checked and weakly 144 00:06:59.279 --> 00:07:01.759 peppering me with updates about their cats and garden miss apps. 145 00:07:02.439 --> 00:07:05.000 They cared, but they were never going to understand this loneliness. 146 00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:08.959 Not exactly the result. Night spent half watching videos, scrolling 147 00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:11.240 through news waiting for Julia's key in the lock, not 148 00:07:11.360 --> 00:07:13.319 because a few but simply because the sound of her 149 00:07:13.399 --> 00:07:15.480 arriving still meant I'd have summoned to talk to that day, 150 00:07:16.120 --> 00:07:18.879 which is why when she began bringing home gifts, rare books, 151 00:07:18.879 --> 00:07:21.360 the glass sculpture of the city skyline delivered take away 152 00:07:21.360 --> 00:07:23.519 from restaurants. We should try thy tried to feel grateful 153 00:07:24.120 --> 00:07:26.279 if I told myself the new city needed some ritchell 154 00:07:26.279 --> 00:07:29.639 of belonging. Julia at least was maintaining an effort. But 155 00:07:29.720 --> 00:07:33.120 the first crack wasn't a big melodramatic moment. It was 156 00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:35.120 in the distance. How she seemed to know the city's 157 00:07:35.199 --> 00:07:37.480 NOx beeted than me while never spending her time here 158 00:07:37.560 --> 00:07:40.480 with me. Take the first Saturday after the sign print, 159 00:07:40.680 --> 00:07:43.240 Julia appeared in the doorway, hare windblown, holding two tickets 160 00:07:43.279 --> 00:07:45.879 to the city at fairvich glossy, the kind local magazines 161 00:07:45.879 --> 00:07:49.000 promoted with full page breids. The smile she wore nearly 162 00:07:49.040 --> 00:07:51.639 reached her eyes. She handed me the ticket with a 163 00:07:51.680 --> 00:07:54.480 flourish saying, we'll get her behind the scenes with the curator. 164 00:07:54.600 --> 00:07:57.160 My friend hooked it up. I ran my thumb along 165 00:07:57.199 --> 00:08:01.399 the embossing, which friend I asked, careful not to sound tired. 166 00:08:02.160 --> 00:08:05.040 The one from your new office. Julia's laugh was a 167 00:08:05.079 --> 00:08:08.560 second too high. Yeah, one of them. She does Pierre 168 00:08:08.600 --> 00:08:11.959 staff lots of event contacts. She busied herself on clipping 169 00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:15.040 a tag from the ticket envelope. You're going to love it, Sam, 170 00:08:15.319 --> 00:08:18.360 New people new inspirations, You've been so cooped up. She 171 00:08:18.560 --> 00:08:20.800 was pushing, I realized, to make me say yes, not 172 00:08:20.879 --> 00:08:22.959 loving the thing for itself, but needing me to enjoy 173 00:08:23.000 --> 00:08:25.399 it for her own reasons. My mind went to the 174 00:08:25.439 --> 00:08:28.519 print in our bedroom, the unexplained joke, the unfamiliar gallery. 175 00:08:29.199 --> 00:08:31.600 Julia was attentive, fultful, even, but the gifts felt as 176 00:08:31.639 --> 00:08:33.720 if they'd been selected from a darsa on my tastes, 177 00:08:33.919 --> 00:08:37.240 not from lived experience. My doubts coiled in on them selves. 178 00:08:38.039 --> 00:08:40.080 Was I expecting her to be psychic when I barely 179 00:08:40.159 --> 00:08:43.159 left the apartment myself? Maybe I was the problem, the 180 00:08:43.240 --> 00:08:46.879 one constructing barriers. Maybe Julia's way of showing care had 181 00:08:46.960 --> 00:08:49.039 changed out of necessity. She couldn't give me time, so 182 00:08:49.120 --> 00:08:52.440 she gave me things instead. That night, after Julia fell 183 00:08:52.440 --> 00:08:54.600 asleep mid episode to have face pinched in evening light, 184 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:56.600 a half finished glass of wine on the coffee table, 185 00:08:56.600 --> 00:08:58.799 I watched the city light shimmer through the rain Hayes glass. 186 00:08:59.480 --> 00:09:01.559 I told my she was just trying, in her own 187 00:09:01.600 --> 00:09:04.559 way to help me belong. I should be grateful, but 188 00:09:04.639 --> 00:09:06.399 the cold trace in my skin was the growing sense 189 00:09:06.480 --> 00:09:08.720 that she was always too stepped ahead. Of me trouting 190 00:09:08.759 --> 00:09:11.759 streets i'd never seen. The city was old geometry from 191 00:09:11.799 --> 00:09:14.480 our window, keebis, neon shapes, the speckle of taxi headlights, 192 00:09:14.559 --> 00:09:17.720 distant cranes to Julia. Each route was mapped to me 193 00:09:18.200 --> 00:09:21.720 just lines. I started pushing myself outside our routine's tests, 194 00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:24.320 in the blind corners of this new world. On a 195 00:09:24.360 --> 00:09:26.679 Wednesday morning, I joined an illustrator's meet up at a 196 00:09:26.679 --> 00:09:29.919 cafe not far from downtown. The listing had seen promising, 197 00:09:30.039 --> 00:09:32.279 and I had circled the block twice before going inside. 198 00:09:32.919 --> 00:09:35.039 The place smelled like fresh pastry and such as peel. 199 00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:38.039 Seating was mostly mismatched chairs, big hearted windows, all the 200 00:09:38.080 --> 00:09:40.960 markers of her hidden jam. The owner, a soft foised 201 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:42.840 guy with all glasses, grinned at me as soon as 202 00:09:42.879 --> 00:09:46.080 I gave my name. Hey, you're Julia Sam. She mentioneed 203 00:09:46.159 --> 00:09:48.720 me by soon. Tell her we'll see your Friday. It 204 00:09:48.840 --> 00:09:52.200 took me a moment to process a Friday, right, I said, 205 00:09:52.360 --> 00:09:54.840 forcing a smile, my heart doing some awkward little tap. 206 00:09:55.440 --> 00:09:57.519 She's been wanting me to see this place. I can't 207 00:09:57.559 --> 00:10:00.159 believe I never made it before. The owner winked, then 208 00:10:00.240 --> 00:10:02.279 leaned closer to pass me a flyer for a jazz night. 209 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:06.080 He two are regulars together already. Next time, Coffee's on me. 210 00:10:06.799 --> 00:10:08.840 I took the flier and ducked into the group, hoping 211 00:10:08.919 --> 00:10:11.399 none of the artists had caught my face. A few 212 00:10:11.480 --> 00:10:13.799 minutes later, I found a seat away from the main window, 213 00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:16.720 and for two hours let myself get lost in rote conversation. 214 00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:20.440 Paper weights, put folio woes, someone's disaster to reason cruft fare. 215 00:10:21.159 --> 00:10:24.639 But the exchange rankled regulars together. Had Julia been coming 216 00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:27.039 here with me as some invisible echo or with some 217 00:10:27.120 --> 00:10:30.519 one else? That night, Julia was hunched over her laptop 218 00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:32.519 when I got home, typing hard enough that her wedding 219 00:10:32.600 --> 00:10:35.440 ring clinked against the keys. When she finally looked up, 220 00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:38.480 I kept my tongue. Bray you ever eat at Wildfinch? Fe, 221 00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:41.360 I asked, not lifting my eyes from my sketch book. 222 00:10:42.039 --> 00:10:45.840 She barely paused Wildfinch? Oh yeah. I grabbed lunch though 223 00:10:45.879 --> 00:10:48.120 last week with a couple people, nice enough, but it 224 00:10:48.200 --> 00:10:51.600 was crowded. Coffee's okay, only seems to know you, I said, 225 00:10:52.240 --> 00:10:55.240 She smiled too smoothly. He's just chatty. I think he 226 00:10:55.360 --> 00:10:58.600 talks to everyone like their regulars. That might have been true, 227 00:10:59.279 --> 00:11:01.519 still a picture the owner's wink, how sure he'd been 228 00:11:01.559 --> 00:11:04.159 about the two of us together. Was Julia inventing a 229 00:11:04.240 --> 00:11:06.639 more going version of me for the city, or was 230 00:11:06.679 --> 00:11:09.519 some one else playing my part? I let myself sink in, 231 00:11:09.600 --> 00:11:12.559 told habits, tight questions into my phone, Scanjulius social media 232 00:11:12.600 --> 00:11:15.600 for check ins that might explain it. Privacy was never 233 00:11:15.679 --> 00:11:18.559 our issue before part of me traced old worries. Was 234 00:11:18.600 --> 00:11:22.639 I bored? Paranoid? Had I always been as easily dispirited? 235 00:11:23.480 --> 00:11:26.279 Still in tiny mundane way? As things built up at 236 00:11:26.279 --> 00:11:28.240 a tech industry mixer the next week, when I had 237 00:11:28.279 --> 00:11:30.519 only agreed to because Julia begged me for moral support, 238 00:11:30.559 --> 00:11:32.679 I felt she was introducing me less as her partner, 239 00:11:32.879 --> 00:11:35.440 more as her tourist. I have herd near the bar. 240 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:39.159 More than once people smiled in recognition, but never with 241 00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:41.840 my name. A woman in a red shift dress approached 242 00:11:41.879 --> 00:11:44.440 me midway through the event. She had the bearing of 243 00:11:44.519 --> 00:11:46.559 some one who made a career out of controlling rooms. 244 00:11:46.840 --> 00:11:49.399 For a soft but insistent oh erin I was just 245 00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:53.679 about to say, I laughed a little awkwardly, not errand sorry, 246 00:11:53.759 --> 00:11:56.919 I'm Sam. She did a tiny double take. Th er 247 00:11:57.000 --> 00:12:02.000 never mind mistaken identity. Sorry her face, but she kept moving. Later, 248 00:12:02.200 --> 00:12:04.159 it spotted Julie tense up when she saw Red Dress 249 00:12:04.320 --> 00:12:07.519 orbiting near us. When I tried to introduce myself, Julie 250 00:12:07.559 --> 00:12:09.320 put a hand on my arm and murmured, she's a 251 00:12:09.399 --> 00:12:12.200 train wreck. Let's stay out of her drama. When Red 252 00:12:12.320 --> 00:12:15.000 Dress finally found Julia, they spoke in low voices, glancing 253 00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:18.000 at me twice. On the way home, Julia was distracted 254 00:12:18.159 --> 00:12:20.840 rifling for ticks, her jaw tight. You seemed kind of 255 00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:23.120 off to night, she said, not looking up from her screen. 256 00:12:23.679 --> 00:12:25.679 I didn't know any one, I replied, then heard the 257 00:12:25.759 --> 00:12:28.879 childishadge in my own voice. People kept mixing me up 258 00:12:28.879 --> 00:12:33.320 with some one else. Julie smiled weakly. You're memorable, I promise, 259 00:12:33.559 --> 00:12:35.559 she said, laying her hand on my knee for a moment. 260 00:12:36.240 --> 00:12:38.679 Then she put her headphones in the night's conversation stopped 261 00:12:38.759 --> 00:12:41.879 just past the car doors. A few days later, late again, 262 00:12:42.080 --> 00:12:43.879 Julie came home with a new necklace, a kind of 263 00:12:43.960 --> 00:12:46.799 expensive subtle things She normally showed me, but this time 264 00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:49.279 she tucked it quickly into her jewelry box. In the bathroom, 265 00:12:49.799 --> 00:12:52.039 I noticed a credit card love on my phone purchased 266 00:12:52.039 --> 00:12:55.879 reverer jem seven hundred dollars. Julia shrugged when I mentioned it. 267 00:12:56.600 --> 00:12:58.879 I work, Thank you well, get reimburse she said, then 268 00:12:58.960 --> 00:13:01.559 left for a run. I never saw her where the necklace. 269 00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:04.919 After that, her work badge started my greeting, missing from 270 00:13:04.960 --> 00:13:07.919 its usual hook, then reappearing in different rooms without remark. 271 00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:10.519 I found at once in her raincoat, again under a 272 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:12.960 stack of wedding invitations we have intended to reply to. 273 00:13:13.639 --> 00:13:16.480 I asked, isn't there a security risk carrying that back 274 00:13:16.519 --> 00:13:20.720 and forth? Julius shrugged, company's old school about their badges. 275 00:13:20.799 --> 00:13:22.799 If I lose it in the building, I'll get scolded, 276 00:13:22.960 --> 00:13:25.600 not fire. It could have been nothing, but I'd seen 277 00:13:25.679 --> 00:13:28.679 Julie before, orderly to fault in some things, careless in others. 278 00:13:29.399 --> 00:13:32.480 The badge was an accessory, not a passport, so why 279 00:13:32.600 --> 00:13:35.120 was it always somewhere knew? I kept thinking about the 280 00:13:35.159 --> 00:13:39.120 cafaye owner's face. I found myself back at Wildfinch alone, 281 00:13:39.159 --> 00:13:40.879 this time drawing in the corner and trying not to 282 00:13:40.960 --> 00:13:43.360 look like I was casing the joint. I watched the 283 00:13:43.399 --> 00:13:46.679 staff greet people, hugs, banter not out of place. When 284 00:13:46.720 --> 00:13:48.840 the owner spoke to a woman with cropped red hair. 285 00:13:49.000 --> 00:13:52.559 He grinned, you're usual in Julia's right. The woman laughed, 286 00:13:52.559 --> 00:13:55.600 shaking her head. Was it possible Julia simply blended in 287 00:13:55.879 --> 00:13:58.080 picking up every routine around her and making it her own. 288 00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:00.799 Or was there something I was missing, some one slipping 289 00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:03.840 just out of frame. Our upstairs neighbor, Michael, was a 290 00:14:03.919 --> 00:14:07.039 kind of accidental confidant, him mid thirties, perpetually jogging hair, 291 00:14:07.080 --> 00:14:10.399 always win must We only crossed paths when packages got 292 00:14:10.440 --> 00:14:13.120 swapped or the building grill ran out of propane. One 293 00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:15.000 Sunday morning, he caught me in the whole way with 294 00:14:15.039 --> 00:14:17.519 a smile, then friand as if remembering and a complete story. 295 00:14:18.200 --> 00:14:20.519 You wonder at the park with Julia last Thursday? Were you? 296 00:14:20.840 --> 00:14:23.320 I swear I saw you guys by the sculpture. He 297 00:14:23.399 --> 00:14:26.320 glanced at me, waiting for confirmation. No, she had a 298 00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:29.960 late meeting, I replied, feeling both apologetic and logically accused. 299 00:14:30.679 --> 00:14:32.679 A must have been some one else. They lived a 300 00:14:32.720 --> 00:14:35.559 lot like you. From behind, Michael shrugged, but as he 301 00:14:35.639 --> 00:14:37.600 walked away, stuck in my mind was the certainty of 302 00:14:37.639 --> 00:14:40.440 his tone. You guys. I started to keep him inntal 303 00:14:40.440 --> 00:14:42.720 wreck a small and consequential details that would have felt 304 00:14:42.799 --> 00:14:45.519 like trivia in our old life. Julia's new knowledge of 305 00:14:45.559 --> 00:14:48.879 city streets, references to parks and galleries, had never heard 306 00:14:48.919 --> 00:14:51.519 of sudden illusions to work friends whose names changed week 307 00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:54.200 to week. Her gifts grew more elaborate. A bought all 308 00:14:54.240 --> 00:14:56.720 of Japanese whiskey i'd once admired online, tickets to a 309 00:14:56.799 --> 00:14:59.799 local one woman show, always accompanied by little phrases tying 310 00:14:59.799 --> 00:15:02.200 her gesture to a story I couldn't quite place, just 311 00:15:02.320 --> 00:15:04.399 like the night near Elm or you always love rift 312 00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:07.320 up jazz. Sometimes I wondered who you was meant to be. 313 00:15:08.080 --> 00:15:11.279 Our evenings together became strained, attemts that comfort me, suggesting dinner, 314 00:15:11.480 --> 00:15:15.399 movie night, the smallest, most familiar pleasures. Julia would commit. 315 00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:18.399 Then arrived late, apologizing as she washed her face, sitting 316 00:15:18.440 --> 00:15:20.879 beside me, but glancing at her notifications like she was 317 00:15:20.919 --> 00:15:23.559 waiting for the next cul to duty. One night, half 318 00:15:23.600 --> 00:15:26.120 exasperated as spread ingredients for home, I posted on the 319 00:15:26.159 --> 00:15:28.960 counter help me, or I'll ruin the dough, I call, 320 00:15:29.279 --> 00:15:32.799 hoping for one of our oldest ritchels. Julie checked her watch, 321 00:15:33.159 --> 00:15:35.960 then poured herself a gin and tonic. Leaning against the sink, 322 00:15:36.720 --> 00:15:38.960 she kneaded absent mindedly, but drifted to her phone every 323 00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:42.679 few minutes, one hand slick with flower. Eventually she ducked 324 00:15:42.679 --> 00:15:44.960 out to reply to something ogent, leaving me in the kitchen, 325 00:15:45.039 --> 00:15:47.519 fingers stuck with glue dough, realizing that the only person 326 00:15:47.600 --> 00:15:50.200 I was performing for was myself. That night, as I 327 00:15:50.279 --> 00:15:52.360 tried to read in bed, I heard Julia gently shitting 328 00:15:52.360 --> 00:15:54.200 cupboards in the next room, as if trying not to 329 00:15:54.279 --> 00:15:57.679 wake me. When she finally slipped under the comforter, she whispered, 330 00:15:57.879 --> 00:16:00.919 We're okay, right. I didn't, Hans so, not out of malice, 331 00:16:01.200 --> 00:16:03.960 just from being overtired by the effort of Shrine every 332 00:16:03.960 --> 00:16:06.360 attempt I made to insert myself into her apparent new life. 333 00:16:06.399 --> 00:16:09.840 Feltstymide Ye should come see my office, Julia offered once, 334 00:16:09.960 --> 00:16:12.720 but the tourer was rushed, her coworkers busy, her attention split. 335 00:16:13.240 --> 00:16:15.279 The walls were ligned with photos of team events. I 336 00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:17.759 didn't recall being invited to. Julia caught midlaf with the 337 00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:21.919 flood of unfamiliar faces. Only later, scrolling through the company's Instagram, 338 00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:24.759 did to see one picture blurred unmistakably Julia in the 339 00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:27.080 background with a group at what looked like Spruce and Pine, 340 00:16:27.320 --> 00:16:29.679 the name from her note. The photo was tied from 341 00:16:29.720 --> 00:16:32.799 five weeks ago on a Friday. By now, I developed 342 00:16:32.840 --> 00:16:36.080 my own passive investigation habits, watching local event ins to 343 00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:39.639 grand hosts, scanning for Julia in crowd shots, magnifying faces 344 00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:41.639 in the back row of gallery events had never been 345 00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:44.600 told about. Sometimes I could swear it was her, of 346 00:16:44.639 --> 00:16:47.279 other times just the shape of her cotal hair. What 347 00:16:47.480 --> 00:16:50.200 worried me more than anything was not who she was with, 348 00:16:50.360 --> 00:16:52.039 but how easy it had become for her to simply 349 00:16:52.080 --> 00:16:55.440 divide her life Here, Sam dinner gifts, an hour and 350 00:16:55.480 --> 00:16:58.320 a half of Netflix, the pretense of normal out there, 351 00:16:58.480 --> 00:17:01.519 Julia a personality against only in the corners by chance, 352 00:17:01.559 --> 00:17:04.839 and pixelated photos. The crowning moment, at least I thought 353 00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:06.839 it was the tipping point, then came after an argument. 354 00:17:07.480 --> 00:17:09.559 It wasn't much of a fight, hardly worthy of the word. 355 00:17:10.359 --> 00:17:12.240 I tried to schedule a Saturday hike for the two 356 00:17:12.279 --> 00:17:15.480 of us. She had, she insisted, already promised to volunteer 357 00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:18.160 at the park clean up. I pressed, frustrated with who 358 00:17:18.359 --> 00:17:21.960 the coworkers. When I asked which ones, She wrestled. Does 359 00:17:22.039 --> 00:17:24.240 it matter they are not really friends, Sam, It's just 360 00:17:24.319 --> 00:17:27.279 something I said i'd do. The conversation went in pointless 361 00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:30.480 circles before Julia finally raised her voice. Why are you 362 00:17:30.559 --> 00:17:32.759 so obsessed with my schedule? You? No work is nuts 363 00:17:32.839 --> 00:17:35.279 right now? I managed. I just want to feel like 364 00:17:35.359 --> 00:17:38.319 I know you're here with me, That's all sheerly is softened, 365 00:17:38.440 --> 00:17:41.720 suddenly tired. Her hand covered mine. Her eyes were blistening, 366 00:17:41.839 --> 00:17:44.920 but not with anger. I'm sorry, she said, I've messed 367 00:17:44.960 --> 00:17:46.960 this up. Truth is, I've been trying to set up 368 00:17:47.000 --> 00:17:48.920 something for your surprise. I didn't want you to then. 369 00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:50.880 I thought you were flailing or not capable, so I 370 00:17:50.880 --> 00:17:52.839 couldn't tell you about it. Just I wanted to make 371 00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:55.119 you feel part of things here. I didn't buy it 372 00:17:55.160 --> 00:17:57.240 all at once, but something in the way her defense 373 00:17:57.319 --> 00:17:59.759 is lowered made me want to believe. She went to 374 00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:02.160 her brief case and returned with a folder, official letterhead 375 00:18:02.160 --> 00:18:03.839 from the local gallery, the same one that sent the 376 00:18:03.920 --> 00:18:07.519 original print pre work. I've been quietly setting up a group, Shure. 377 00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:10.400 I'm sorry if the secrecy has made things weird. The tickets, 378 00:18:10.599 --> 00:18:13.039 the meetings, all of it did was for that I 379 00:18:13.160 --> 00:18:15.880 let myself feel relief, and then the predictable tide of guilt. 380 00:18:16.480 --> 00:18:19.319 Maybe I'd been the suspicious one, reading betrayal into gestures 381 00:18:19.359 --> 00:18:22.799 of love. I apologize for being called lately. Duly promised 382 00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:25.279 to put her phone away. During dinner, the air between 383 00:18:25.359 --> 00:18:27.440 us Felbloosa easy in a way that made me ache 384 00:18:27.440 --> 00:18:30.079 with how rare it become. We made a celebratory meal, 385 00:18:30.119 --> 00:18:32.960 pasta from scratch, a bottle of chill Chabley's music playing. 386 00:18:33.799 --> 00:18:35.880 I try to imagine this as the start of a repair, 387 00:18:35.920 --> 00:18:39.400 a gentle circuit back to ourselves. Surely even suggested we 388 00:18:39.480 --> 00:18:42.440 spend Sunday wandering the park together, just us for the 389 00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:44.640 space of an evening. The old rythm felt close enough 390 00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:47.599 to touch. My parents called during dessert. I let the 391 00:18:47.680 --> 00:18:49.359 coal ring out so I could linger in the moment. 392 00:18:50.039 --> 00:18:52.000 But the next morning, an emil hit my junk folder 393 00:18:52.039 --> 00:18:55.759 from the gallery manager, flagged spam subject line thanks for 394 00:18:55.880 --> 00:18:58.720 last night. The body began. So wonderful seeing you and 395 00:18:58.759 --> 00:19:00.400 Julia at the event, how bairn dinner, drink all the 396 00:19:00.440 --> 00:19:03.319 prosecco again. Ha. It was a treat to finally meet 397 00:19:03.400 --> 00:19:06.119 artis as passionate as you both are. See you at 398 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:09.079 the next party. It closed. Tell Julia we love seeing 399 00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:11.559 you and Erin together. I stared at the screen long 400 00:19:11.680 --> 00:19:15.400 enough that my eyes stung. The names danced Julia Sam Erin. 401 00:19:16.000 --> 00:19:18.599