Speaker 1: I'm Ali. I came out after twenty years of marriage
Speaker 1: and I have three kids.
Speaker 2: I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came
Speaker 2: out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage.
Speaker 1: This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles
Speaker 1: and victories that come with it when coming out feels
Speaker 1: like the end of the world, but it's really just
Speaker 1: the beginning. This is the Lesbian Chronicles. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Lesbian Chronicles, where I won't be treating you to that
Speaker 1: harmony this time.
Speaker 3: I know, Ali just like harmonized and everything.
Speaker 2: And now we got to start over because she said,
Speaker 2: my face looked like I had a sunburn.
Speaker 1: Look like you had an intense, intense sunburn.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, Maybe I do, you know, Maybe it's you.
Speaker 1: Know, preparation a lot. Like I remember once that I
Speaker 1: had these bumps on my face and I went to
Speaker 1: the dermatologist like a hundred times about it. But when
Speaker 1: people have a red face, I think immediately they have
Speaker 1: an alcohol problem. Very sensitive because like it makes your
Speaker 1: face red. And I had that issue for a minute,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, people are gonna think I, like have
Speaker 1: a drinking problem.
Speaker 2: I don't associate that with a drinking problem, because there's
Speaker 2: a million reasons why your skin could be like red
Speaker 2: or like puffy or whatever. Some people do have like
Speaker 2: a histamine reaction to alcohol.
Speaker 1: Well, you're not having that, No, I'm not.
Speaker 3: I think you're just getting on a Thursday. I'm not.
Speaker 1: Now. I think you're kidding. I think you're just getting
Speaker 1: blurry sunlight face.
Speaker 3: Maybe I don't know if it's better.
Speaker 1: That's better now.
Speaker 3: The lighting in here is not good.
Speaker 2: I have a little like quote studio in my bedroom,
Speaker 2: but my WiFi sucks so bad.
Speaker 3: I need to get one of those extenders.
Speaker 1: I do too, but I don't. I tried, I couldn't
Speaker 1: set it up, and finally I'm like, fuck it, I'm
Speaker 1: not doing it.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, dude, that's like everything that I order. I'm like, oh,
Speaker 2: this is too hard.
Speaker 1: It's too hard. But see, I literally I chatch youpy
Speaker 1: t the easiest extender. Because what's happening for me is
Speaker 1: my joy. I have these things. I have what I
Speaker 1: call joy nuggets. I'm sure I've told you about this.
Speaker 1: These are like tiny nugget joy nuggets. It's like my coffee.
Speaker 1: A tap room is a joy that I'm just not
Speaker 1: giving up. This my fridge cigarette. This is a joy
Speaker 1: nugget for me. I don't I'm not drinking enough of
Speaker 1: them for it to be a huge problem, But I
Speaker 1: like it. I want to do it. Being in my
Speaker 1: bedroom watching TV is like such a joy to me.
Speaker 1: And now it's buffering up there.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, But I would think of an extender. Isn't
Speaker 2: that hard to do?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: You just buy the little thing?
Speaker 1: I thought you just plug it in, but you know,
Speaker 1: there's like a whole add it to the network hard
Speaker 1: wire at first, then you move it. It's like a
Speaker 1: thing really and hard wire. I mean like you have
Speaker 1: to plug in the ethernet and then like then you
Speaker 1: move it and then you add it. You have a
Speaker 1: new app on your I mean it felt like there
Speaker 1: were a lot of steps to it.
Speaker 3: A new app on my phone? Oh yeah, lost me.
Speaker 3: I swear to god.
Speaker 2: It's like if I have to download another app, I'm
Speaker 2: gonna throw my phone off the window.
Speaker 1: But if it's buffering in my bedroom, what does that
Speaker 1: mean I need an extender? Right?
Speaker 2: I would think so, But I don't. I don't know
Speaker 2: why it doesn't work in my bedroom upstairs. My Wi
Speaker 2: Fi things down here in my living room works fine.
Speaker 2: Down here works for my kids in their bedrooms, but
Speaker 2: whenever I'm in there and I've tried to record with
Speaker 2: you in there, and it like gets all jumpy.
Speaker 1: So yeah, maybe that's gonna be something you learn how
Speaker 1: to do and then come over here and help me.
Speaker 2: Perhaps maybe you're slightly more handy than me a little bit.
Speaker 3: I know, it's funny. People will be like, oh my god,
Speaker 3: you're handy.
Speaker 2: I'm like barely and I have worked very hard to
Speaker 2: fight with my ADHD to become handy.
Speaker 1: I think you also are techie like I. When you
Speaker 1: were doing the microphones for our camera, I was like.
Speaker 3: Hmm yeah, tech background, little tech wizard, a.
Speaker 1: Little tech quizzer. I mean it was complicated with our
Speaker 1: camera that we've used twice.
Speaker 3: It was, I know, and we still didn't get it right.
Speaker 3: But we still didn't get it right. You know, we're
Speaker 3: getting there. I got getting are you.
Speaker 1: That's impressive? That kind of is giving laptop on the
Speaker 1: airplane vibes.
Speaker 3: Right, I would look very cool on an airplane right.
Speaker 1: Now, you're just like flashing it around. I have a microphone.
Speaker 3: I have a microphone. Everyone listen to me, be calm.
Speaker 1: Well, what are we talking about today.
Speaker 2: We are talking about how dating seems to be getting
Speaker 2: harder and like, I guess myths around dating right Like
Speaker 2: now I am seeing someone right now, so I'm not
Speaker 2: in the dating mix.
Speaker 3: But from what I hear.
Speaker 1: People that are dating, even though you're dating someone, you're
Speaker 1: you hear of it.
Speaker 2: I hear it, and yeah, I constantly, I mean it's
Speaker 2: constantly on TikTok of how do I meet people?
Speaker 3: And it's one of the reasons why.
Speaker 2: We started doing the Pitch a Friend thing because we
Speaker 2: just feel like, you know, it's another avenue for people
Speaker 2: to try to meet their match. But one of the
Speaker 2: things that we're talking about that's really interesting is to
Speaker 2: hear people say like I'm dating, and it's like, what
Speaker 2: does that mean? Does that mean that you're dating like
Speaker 2: multiple people?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm open to dating. This is I pose this
Speaker 1: to Melissa, and I want you guys to think about
Speaker 1: this too. Do you have one friend, one friend, single
Speaker 1: friend that is dating around, like going on dates in
Speaker 1: the way that like.
Speaker 3: My talking to different people.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like dating dating, this is what dating is. It's
Speaker 1: what I did in college, It's what I did after college. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you have one friend you know that does that.
Speaker 1: I do not have one friend, not that I know of. Ever,
Speaker 1: in all the years that I've been out, I've never
Speaker 1: met a woman that said, yeah, i'm dating around, I'm
Speaker 1: seeing this woman. Never once.
Speaker 3: I know people straight people that do that.
Speaker 1: Same my kids do it, both of them.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I don't know any lesbians that do that.
Speaker 1: So someone posted, and I reposted, She's like, what is
Speaker 1: happening with dating? And like, if you think about how
Speaker 1: long you've been out, probably a couple times, but like,
Speaker 1: and you've dated more than me. Like I seem to
Speaker 1: be in long term relationships and then I'm single and
Speaker 1: then I'm in another long term relationship. But I can
Speaker 1: think in a handful of times, how many times somebody
Speaker 1: has reached out to me and said, I would like
Speaker 1: to take you on a date. Here's the plan, let's
Speaker 1: go on a date. Like I don't that doesn't happen
Speaker 1: very often. It's more, hey, we're going to be here Saturday,
Speaker 1: I hope you'll come, or like you said, you get
Speaker 1: the group text that's like, you know they're kind of
Speaker 1: interested in you, but they're throwing you in a.
Speaker 2: Mix of people, right, yeah, Like, are you going to
Speaker 2: be at this event, that kind of.
Speaker 1: Thing, Yes, are you going to be at this event?
Speaker 1: Or I'm always like no, let know, you have to.
Speaker 3: Come to my house.
Speaker 1: You've got to come to my house, and please don't
Speaker 1: come in, but be outside on the porch. I'll get
Speaker 1: to know you and then we'll see where things go.
Speaker 2: That's your first date is hanging out on your porch.
Speaker 2: You don't have to go anywhere. I think one of
Speaker 2: the things is though, like we're also like apprehensive and
Speaker 2: scared to date. You know, like there's a fear around
Speaker 2: one like telling someone that you're into them or implicating
Speaker 2: that or implying that, not implicating that you're interested, because
Speaker 2: it's almost like okay, but what if they're not interested
Speaker 2: and then they're like laughing at me, you know, like
Speaker 2: calling up their friends.
Speaker 3: You won't believe who me?
Speaker 1: I know, but is that like think about the women
Speaker 1: that you'd be asking out. I can't even like when
Speaker 1: I think about the if anyone does that, good fucking
Speaker 1: ridden never like I don't care who you are if you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm not. I would never laugh someone in that case.
Speaker 2: And I'm sure this is my own internalized version of
Speaker 2: what's happening.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but also It's like.
Speaker 2: I feel like once it's initiated that you guys, like
Speaker 2: two people are like, yeah, let's date, let's figure this out.
Speaker 2: It's kind of like you're both zeroing in on each other.
Speaker 2: And I feel like, more often than not, when it
Speaker 2: suddenly comes like let's say you hang out with someone
Speaker 2: five times, yeah, and then you do find out that
Speaker 2: this other person is talking to someone else too, it
Speaker 2: feels a bit like a betrayal already, you know, even
Speaker 2: though you're not committed. It's kind of like, well, wait
Speaker 2: a second, like you've got another iron in the fire here,
Speaker 2: and like I thought something else was happening, and they've
Speaker 2: got someone else too. It just kind of like knocks
Speaker 2: things off kilter.
Speaker 1: I can see that. But it's like, to me, it's
Speaker 1: such an important decision to spend time with someone or
Speaker 1: give somebody a lot of time over a series of weeks, months, years,
Speaker 1: that it's like to me, I see why people should
Speaker 1: be dating. They should go out on a few dates
Speaker 1: and like simultaneou like if you go out, you know,
Speaker 1: one Saturday night, and then you find yourself really wanting
Speaker 1: to hang out with that person that you just met,
Speaker 1: and then you meet someone else and you're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: just reinforced that I had more fun or I felt
Speaker 1: more myself with the person a I don't know. Like
Speaker 1: to me, it's good data to collect before you say, okay,
Speaker 1: you're my person.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well we're also not doing like lesbians are not
Speaker 2: good at pacing a relationship, you know, like that's the
Speaker 2: infamous U haul situation, Like we're not good at not
Speaker 2: you know, diving in entirely, Like it's it's zero to sixty.
Speaker 2: And the thing is, it's like, okay, but what if
Speaker 2: you did date a little bit like you used to
Speaker 2: back in college dating guys where it was like, let's
Speaker 2: say the scenario that kind of played out in my
Speaker 2: life was meet a guy on a Thursday night, you know,
Speaker 2: maybe he asked you out for that weekend and you
Speaker 2: go out that Saturday, not hearing from them again. Like
Speaker 2: they're not calling you every day, people barely texting back.
Speaker 1: Five thousand times.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like you're not texting a million times.
Speaker 2: Maybe they call you on like Wednesday and ask if
Speaker 2: you're free for that Friday night, like you're not in
Speaker 2: constant contact.
Speaker 3: Now, I know things have changed.
Speaker 2: This I'm referring back to, you know, twenty five years ago,
Speaker 2: but like it's paced and.
Speaker 1: You're past and you have time to build anticipation right
Speaker 1: before everything. Yeah, I think it can develop more naturally
Speaker 1: that way, but I don't. I mean, this is where
Speaker 1: we are now. I did want to say that the
Speaker 1: pitch our pitch in Chicago. She sent me a photo
Speaker 1: of her and the woman she.
Speaker 2: Met already already that's awesome and who knows, maybe they're friends,
Speaker 2: maybe they'll see each other a million times.
Speaker 1: Maybe who knows what will happen. But she's like, hey,
Speaker 1: just want to say thanks.
Speaker 3: That's all.
Speaker 1: I met this cool woman and we're hanging out.
Speaker 3: I love that.
Speaker 1: Again, no idea if it's a relationship, a friendship, no clue.
Speaker 1: But they looked precious together and they were having a blast,
Speaker 1: and I thought, that is what the pitch is for.
Speaker 1: So do a pitch like it doesn't hurt you.
Speaker 3: It can't hurt Yeah, it can.
Speaker 2: I mean, And all I see with people doing that
Speaker 2: is someone who's really confident in who they.
Speaker 1: Are, right yeah and ready.
Speaker 2: They're ready because you know what, they don't have an
Speaker 2: ex girlfriend on the side that they're still toying with.
Speaker 2: If they're putting themselves out there in that capacity.
Speaker 1: That is such a good point, Melissa. They nailed it.
Speaker 1: If you're doing a public pitch, there's no X in
Speaker 1: the background or some side thing that you're still trying
Speaker 1: to walk away from, right that is somebody you are
Speaker 1: free and clear. And I think that is that is
Speaker 1: so true. I never even thought about that. But to
Speaker 1: go back to like dating, it is like rack your
Speaker 1: brain to think of people that even do our talking
Speaker 1: to a few people.
Speaker 2: The concept of dating around I just feel like doesn't
Speaker 2: exist in the lesbian community. Like you're meeting someone and
Speaker 2: I feel like, you know, like I said that infamous
Speaker 2: U Haul situation, you may not be moving in together,
Speaker 2: but you're definitely spending all your time together right away.
Speaker 2: And it is very rare to hear that someone has
Speaker 2: someone you know else on the side. That does happen,
Speaker 2: I shouldn't even know. But it's not there's nothing wrong
Speaker 2: with it. There's nothing wrong with it. Like it's it's
Speaker 2: allowing you to get to know someone at a slower,
Speaker 2: more measured pace, and you know, adding some mystery in
Speaker 2: to the to the whole thing too, which I think
Speaker 2: is important.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree, I Yeah, I was thinking that the
Speaker 1: other maybe a couple of weeks ago at the bar.
Speaker 1: I remember at Urban Pie, I met a woman who
Speaker 1: was sitting next to someone that she was on a
Speaker 1: date with. You were there, we were all there. It
Speaker 1: was the day of the Valero dance party. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: and okay, so she I walk over. We we get
Speaker 1: introduced because we're in a group of all our friends,
Speaker 1: and then she kind of I'm like, oh, who is
Speaker 1: this your wife? I forget what I said, and she
Speaker 1: was like, no, but we're on a date, Like this
Speaker 1: is our we just started dating. I just met her
Speaker 1: like we're on a date. And I remember thinking like
Speaker 1: that was interesting to me because I'd never like she
Speaker 1: was dating. I mean, she was doing the thing that
Speaker 1: you do now there. I don't know why they would
Speaker 1: choose to go there for a date because you're like
Speaker 1: in this crowd of lesbians.
Speaker 3: Maybe I got a.
Speaker 1: Pizza joint at the bar, But but I thought she was,
Speaker 1: you know, she was doing the thing. And I wondered
Speaker 1: to myself, are they dating other people or is this
Speaker 1: like the typical lesbian Like you're on this first or
Speaker 1: second date and you're just now all of a sudden
Speaker 1: zeroed in on each other like what's the story here.
Speaker 3: There was a straight couple on a date there too.
Speaker 2: I don't know if you're got the same night. Okay,
Speaker 2: the same day, but I don't know. It's like what
Speaker 2: I think that's the other part too, Like we we
Speaker 2: want to go on the first few dates and then
Speaker 2: it's like immediately, like you got to meet everybody, you
Speaker 2: got to meet all immediately.
Speaker 1: I want to have you with all my friends.
Speaker 2: Like yeah, and I don't know again, like keep some
Speaker 2: mystery there, you know, like pace that kind of thing
Speaker 2: and get to know that person, make sure that you
Speaker 2: do want to bring them in the mix of your
Speaker 2: friend group, get to know them first.
Speaker 1: To me, this is just a me thing, like on
Speaker 1: you're just the two of you. Like the relationship is
Speaker 1: going to look different in a public setting because now
Speaker 1: I've got to put eyes on all these other people
Speaker 1: versus like like I'm thinking about this weekend at Mandy's
Speaker 1: birthday party. It was so fun and like I'm measured
Speaker 1: because I'm talking to you. Then I wanted to meet
Speaker 1: with I wanted to chat with Claudia. We were talking
Speaker 1: about fun stuff. Then said hi to a few other people.
Speaker 1: It's like if I had had a date there, Like,
Speaker 1: that's not my best thing. Yeah, I could introduce you
Speaker 1: to a shit ton of people, but that's not helping
Speaker 1: you and I, which is what I'm working on.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it kind of circles back to that topic
Speaker 2: that we were talking about a few months ago of
Speaker 2: that woman whose girlfriend wanted to join her like annual
Speaker 2: oh yeah, her monthly book club or something girls trip.
Speaker 1: Yeah, girl, yeah, And it.
Speaker 2: Was like, that's not the time to bring your partner
Speaker 2: in to meet, you know, like, yeah, bringing someone to
Speaker 2: a friend's birthday party.
Speaker 3: I don't know like that.
Speaker 2: I guess I could go either way. But if you
Speaker 2: want your friends to meet your person, organize your own
Speaker 2: thing and bring them in that way, or bring them
Speaker 2: in slowly, don't you know, throw them to the wolves
Speaker 2: and bring them to your book club.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 1: Actually, I'm so impressed with our friend Robin if she's listening,
Speaker 1: because Robin had this new woman that she met and
Speaker 1: she didn't. We had something big going on for the
Speaker 1: social group that weekend.
Speaker 3: We peer pressure to her heart.
Speaker 1: We peer pressure her heart, and she did not cave.
Speaker 1: She didn't, she did not show up, and she was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: no thanks, Like I've got a way better play than
Speaker 1: what you guys are doing. But I thought, bring, yeah,
Speaker 1: she's like, I'm just not going to do it. I
Speaker 1: don't know. I admired that in her, especially because she's
Speaker 1: somebody who does love a good time. She loves to dance.
Speaker 1: All the things, all the things that would tempt her
Speaker 1: were there right outdoors, close to home in the neighborhood,
Speaker 1: but she's she stayed the course. Think of something from that.
Speaker 2: Right, It's important, Yeah, spend your time with that person,
Speaker 2: get to know them. Pace the way you're getting to
Speaker 2: know them, like there's no rush. I think one of
Speaker 2: the fears that I've had coming up with when I
Speaker 2: was dating a few years ago, I had met someone who,
Speaker 2: you know, she was seeing other people, and that immediately like, okay,
Speaker 2: so she was doing it competition.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, this.
Speaker 1: Okay, so this happened.
Speaker 2: I've never Okay, this was a few years ago, but
Speaker 2: I do remember feeling a bit of like, oh man,
Speaker 2: that like makes me feel like I have to compete
Speaker 2: a little bit.
Speaker 3: But it wasn't long.
Speaker 2: After that that she was like, forget all those people,
Speaker 2: I want to date you, which made me feel good,
Speaker 2: but it was a bit of like, oh, like I
Speaker 2: didn't like the feeling of like knowing that she was
Speaker 2: like going on a dates with other people and I wasn't.
Speaker 1: Did you know, like would you know when she was
Speaker 1: on a date?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: And that was I mean that really only lasted for
Speaker 2: like a week two weeks. Do you also feel sometimes
Speaker 2: like oh, in lesbian time, that was uh ten.
Speaker 1: Years a decade. But do you ever feel like to
Speaker 1: like you don't know, like the minute you start dating someone,
Speaker 1: all of a sudden they know what you're doing because
Speaker 1: you text so much and you're like in constant contact
Speaker 1: that it's like they know they it's Thursday and you're
Speaker 1: supposed to be here. So it's like you can't even
Speaker 1: like there is no plan you're there'd be really hard
Speaker 1: to be outdating because you're not.
Speaker 2: You're in such good Yeah, they know your routine immediately, Yeah,
Speaker 2: and it's yeah, there isn't any kind of like, oh,
Speaker 2: like you can't have some downtime where it's I don't know,
Speaker 2: like you're Yeah, you're a meshing so.
Speaker 3: Quickly with people.
Speaker 1: People a mesh so quickly.
Speaker 2: That if you were like, yeah, I'm grabbing I'm I'm
Speaker 2: grabbing coffee with a friend that.
Speaker 1: We feel like you are Wait what your friend where? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Yeah, can I join you?
Speaker 1: Exactly exactly Like I have a good friend down here
Speaker 1: that I won't say names, but we always do like
Speaker 1: we're Our codependence makes us be like, hey, I'm going
Speaker 1: to be at dinner tonight with so and so in midtown,
Speaker 1: Like there's like this whole outline of what's happening, because
Speaker 1: I think we both are like sensitive about wait where
Speaker 1: are you again?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 1: Not in a like that way, but more just like
Speaker 1: I'm so used to knowing. I'm used to knowing where
Speaker 1: you are saying. I know, like of a sudden a
Speaker 1: weekend went by and I didn't know what you were
Speaker 1: doing on a Saturday night, I would be like, what
Speaker 1: is she into right now?
Speaker 3: Everyone would immediately suspect that I was up to something.
Speaker 1: They would just immediately suspect. No, they would they would
Speaker 1: be like that's weird, right, Like I know I would be.
Speaker 1: So it's just like we do keep tabs on.
Speaker 2: The people that were right, and I'm I'm also like
Speaker 2: I'm a terrible liar, So.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would end up telling everything. I'm bringing everyone
Speaker 1: else down with you. You gotta confess exactly, Well, so
Speaker 1: what do you are you is your like are you
Speaker 1: in the camp of like we should be dating? Or like,
Speaker 1: how do you see that?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: It's like a mix of both, because I have the
Speaker 2: feeling of you should pace yourself, you shouldn't jump into
Speaker 2: things too quickly. But I also have the feeling of
Speaker 2: like having other people on this, like in the mix
Speaker 2: kind of brings the drama if you're dating multiple people,
Speaker 2: Like let's say you're dating three people, okay, and you've
Speaker 2: been on three dates with each one. I feel like
Speaker 2: at that point, you know who's still in the running.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like now you're just wasting people's time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like you can rank who you're into,
Speaker 2: and you know, I think it's also again one of
Speaker 2: those things that comes into play of like when you're
Speaker 2: in your twenties, you really you don't know what you
Speaker 2: want exactly. Your goals are different. You guys don't have
Speaker 2: the baggage. You know, you're more so looking for someone. Well,
Speaker 2: I shouldn't say your goals are different. You are looking
Speaker 2: to get married and all those things most likely, And
Speaker 2: I feel like people at our age are looking for
Speaker 2: a long term thing marriage as well. But we're coming
Speaker 2: into the mix in our forties and fifties with so
Speaker 2: much more at play, you know, yeah, that's true, like
Speaker 2: more priorities, more kids, career, like those things are more
Speaker 2: important to me or more of a priority, should say important,
Speaker 2: but things that I have to like consider along with
Speaker 2: the relationship. The relationship is a nice bonus, a really
Speaker 2: nice bonus to have.
Speaker 3: It's just different, you know, as far as do.
Speaker 1: You feel like too, Like once you're older and you've
Speaker 1: been through a few relationships, a few breakups, a few heartbreaks,
Speaker 1: a marriage, Like I do find like my minutes now
Speaker 1: are so valuable that I'm just not interested in bullshitting
Speaker 1: around because I just the way I might have been
Speaker 1: even right when I came out, Like I feel like
Speaker 1: I was more willing to just show up and like
Speaker 1: do stuff versus now, I'm sort of like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I wanna my time feels more precious.
Speaker 2: No, I agree, I feel like, you know, we've kind
Speaker 2: of experienced a bit of that like dating atmosphere, and
Speaker 2: so it's it's easier for me to pinpoint when I
Speaker 2: meet someone whether or not I want I would want
Speaker 2: something with them on a romantic level.
Speaker 1: Total.
Speaker 3: A few years ago, it was like, everybody's a possibility.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, right, And I don't.
Speaker 2: Feel like it's as much of a priority now for me,
Speaker 2: you know, like I do want I have so many
Speaker 2: things that I want to work on along with having
Speaker 2: that bonus relationship.
Speaker 3: You know that it doesn't feel as heavy.
Speaker 2: It's kind of what I was saying before we got
Speaker 2: on this call about decentering romantic relationship. Yes, like a
Speaker 2: romantic relationship is a nice bonus to your life, but
Speaker 2: it's also really lovely to do hobbies that you enjoy
Speaker 2: and to spend time with your friends and to spend
Speaker 2: time alone and be good with that alone. I'm and
Speaker 2: work on your career and growing that, Like, there's just
Speaker 2: so many other things that can bring joy to your life.
Speaker 2: And when it's all like this depends on a relationship
Speaker 2: for my happiness and my well being, it's like it's
Speaker 2: it makes that feel like the end all be all,
Speaker 2: and it's not.
Speaker 1: I agree, Yeah, I totally agree. I felt that in
Speaker 1: Mexico City with the kids. I was thinking, like I
Speaker 1: to your point, relationships have always been central in my life,
Speaker 1: like whether it was my marriage, my long term relationship,
Speaker 1: the relationship I had after that, Like it's and not central.
Speaker 1: My kids are central always, but that has been a
Speaker 1: big piece and I'm not like now I'm not in
Speaker 1: a relationship, and so I do feel And in Mexico City,
Speaker 1: I was thinking, I'm having such a lovely time with
Speaker 1: my kids and my parents and like I hadn't I
Speaker 1: don't know, I don't know that I've done that where
Speaker 1: it's just like there is no other romantic adult here
Speaker 1: with me, and I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm happy.
Speaker 2: Actually at a wedding, like I was feeling at a wedding,
Speaker 2: it's like if you're single at a wedding, it's like
Speaker 2: staring you in the eye.
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, But I felt a little of that, to
Speaker 1: be honest, but not I was having an awesome time.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And also I mean, you're having a great time
Speaker 2: and you're not having to worry about this other person
Speaker 2: and whether or.
Speaker 3: Not they're having a great time in this.
Speaker 1: I think that's a good thing to bring up to
Speaker 1: And I know we have to rap soon. But the
Speaker 1: codependence we feel on romantic partners, whether it's a little
Speaker 1: or a lot, there's always some degree of like measured
Speaker 1: anxiety around how they're doing. In any situation, whether it
Speaker 1: be you know, you're here with your girlfriend and she's
Speaker 1: like you could tell she needs attention or she needs
Speaker 1: there's always a little bit of measured anxiety. Are they happy?
Speaker 1: Are they in a good mood? Are they mad at me?
Speaker 1: Did I already do something trigger them? Where now I'm
Speaker 1: worried about you know, what I say or the next thing,
Speaker 1: or am I ta looking to someone else? And that
Speaker 1: infuriates them? So it's like you're right, like there's that
Speaker 1: extra little layer of effort. That's a beautiful thing in
Speaker 1: a relationship, but it's also a thing to be dealt with. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I think that too, is like sometimes it is
Speaker 1: nice to decentralize that and just have you and yeah, not.
Speaker 2: The stress that wedding was probably a lot less stressful
Speaker 2: because not having someone else there that you had to
Speaker 2: worry about, like, oh, like I've got to introduce this
Speaker 2: person and I've got to explain who they are and.
Speaker 1: Are they having fun? Yeah? Fun?
Speaker 2: And they have people to talk to if I if
Speaker 2: I'm wrapped up with this other thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I don't know.
Speaker 2: It's like I think, you know, we need to pump
Speaker 2: the brakes a little bit on dates. Take your time,
Speaker 2: pace yourself getting to know someone, but also be like,
Speaker 2: it's also okay even if you were dating someone to
Speaker 2: have been like, I'm doing this thing on my own
Speaker 2: and yeah, nothing.
Speaker 1: Personal, and let it just naturally grow and when the
Speaker 1: time is right, you can make it official. But it
Speaker 1: is like it just goes from I just met you
Speaker 1: to we're texting a thousand texts a day to I'm
Speaker 1: with you every single free weekend that I have, and
Speaker 1: it is I don't know, it just I feel like
Speaker 1: there is a different way.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So it's it's like instant ameshment.
Speaker 1: Instant ameshment, and it is. Yeah, I love all the
Speaker 1: early fun. Like I'm not saying don't do that. I'm
Speaker 1: just saying you don't have to move in like I
Speaker 1: did six weeks later. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So I mean it sounds fun and it sounds romantic,
Speaker 2: but it also can get you deep in a hole
Speaker 2: that's difficult to get out of.
Speaker 3: Right, So anyway, all right, my.
Speaker 1: Friend, I pitch your friends. Pitch your friends, pitch your friends.
Speaker 1: That's all. I just literally think if someone's single and
Speaker 1: throw them a bone.
Speaker 2: And we have several examples now on our Instagram account.
Speaker 2: So you can look at those and see, you know,
Speaker 2: what we're what we're looking for, what other people have done.
Speaker 2: I feel like each one is very different, you know. Yes,
Speaker 2: so there's no rules here, okay, and you don't need
Speaker 2: to wait for a friend to pitch you pitch yourself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, all right, guys, see you later. Hi.
Speaker 3: I want to support the Lesbian Chronicles podcast.
Speaker 2: Rate us and write a review on Apple podcast or Spotify.
Speaker 1: We'd love listener feedback. If you'd like to share your story,
Speaker 1: email us at Melissa and Ali at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's Melissa M. E. L I. S A and Ali
Speaker 1: A L. L I at gmail dot com. Or follow
Speaker 1: us on Instagram at Lesbian Chronicles