WEBVTT 1 00:00:05.040 --> 00:00:08.119 I'm Ali. I came out after twenty years of marriage 2 00:00:08.119 --> 00:00:09.400 and I have three kids. 3 00:00:09.960 --> 00:00:12.400 I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came 4 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:14.960 out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage. 5 00:00:15.400 --> 00:00:19.239 This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles 6 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:22.079 and victories that come with it when coming out feels 7 00:00:22.120 --> 00:00:24.359 like the end of the world, but it's really just 8 00:00:24.440 --> 00:00:37.640 the beginning. This is the Lesbian Chronicles. Welcome to the 9 00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:40.359 Lesbian Chronicles, where I won't be treating you to that 10 00:00:40.399 --> 00:00:41.640 harmony this time. 11 00:00:41.960 --> 00:00:44.159 I know, Ali just like harmonized and everything. 12 00:00:44.200 --> 00:00:45.799 And now we got to start over because she said, 13 00:00:45.799 --> 00:00:47.600 my face looked like I had a sunburn. 14 00:00:48.560 --> 00:00:51.560 Look like you had an intense, intense sunburn. 15 00:00:51.759 --> 00:00:54.320 Oh my god, Maybe I do, you know, Maybe it's you. 16 00:00:54.280 --> 00:00:58.399 Know, preparation a lot. Like I remember once that I 17 00:00:58.640 --> 00:01:00.399 had these bumps on my face and I went to 18 00:01:00.439 --> 00:01:03.439 the dermatologist like a hundred times about it. But when 19 00:01:03.479 --> 00:01:06.079 people have a red face, I think immediately they have 20 00:01:06.120 --> 00:01:10.079 an alcohol problem. Very sensitive because like it makes your 21 00:01:10.079 --> 00:01:12.519 face red. And I had that issue for a minute, 22 00:01:12.519 --> 00:01:13.959 and I'm like, people are gonna think I, like have 23 00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:15.000 a drinking problem. 24 00:01:15.439 --> 00:01:19.000 I don't associate that with a drinking problem, because there's 25 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:22.159 a million reasons why your skin could be like red 26 00:01:23.120 --> 00:01:26.319 or like puffy or whatever. Some people do have like 27 00:01:26.359 --> 00:01:29.079 a histamine reaction to alcohol. 28 00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:31.799 Well, you're not having that, No, I'm not. 29 00:01:32.079 --> 00:01:34.480 I think you're just getting on a Thursday. I'm not. 30 00:01:34.599 --> 00:01:37.120 Now. I think you're kidding. I think you're just getting 31 00:01:37.799 --> 00:01:39.000 blurry sunlight face. 32 00:01:39.920 --> 00:01:41.319 Maybe I don't know if it's better. 33 00:01:41.439 --> 00:01:42.159 That's better now. 34 00:01:42.680 --> 00:01:44.120 The lighting in here is not good. 35 00:01:44.439 --> 00:01:49.480 I have a little like quote studio in my bedroom, 36 00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:51.920 but my WiFi sucks so bad. 37 00:01:51.959 --> 00:01:53.359 I need to get one of those extenders. 38 00:01:53.400 --> 00:01:55.560 I do too, but I don't. I tried, I couldn't 39 00:01:55.560 --> 00:01:57.480 set it up, and finally I'm like, fuck it, I'm 40 00:01:57.480 --> 00:01:58.040 not doing it. 41 00:01:58.400 --> 00:02:02.760 Oh yeah, dude, that's like everything that I order. I'm like, oh, 42 00:02:02.840 --> 00:02:03.560 this is too hard. 43 00:02:04.400 --> 00:02:07.280 It's too hard. But see, I literally I chatch youpy 44 00:02:07.280 --> 00:02:11.919 t the easiest extender. Because what's happening for me is 45 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:13.919 my joy. I have these things. I have what I 46 00:02:13.960 --> 00:02:16.120 call joy nuggets. I'm sure I've told you about this. 47 00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:20.759 These are like tiny nugget joy nuggets. It's like my coffee. 48 00:02:20.800 --> 00:02:22.879 A tap room is a joy that I'm just not 49 00:02:22.919 --> 00:02:27.199 giving up. This my fridge cigarette. This is a joy 50 00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:29.560 nugget for me. I don't I'm not drinking enough of 51 00:02:29.560 --> 00:02:31.759 them for it to be a huge problem, But I 52 00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:34.000 like it. I want to do it. Being in my 53 00:02:34.039 --> 00:02:36.639 bedroom watching TV is like such a joy to me. 54 00:02:36.759 --> 00:02:38.280 And now it's buffering up there. 55 00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:42.560 Oh yeah, But I would think of an extender. Isn't 56 00:02:42.560 --> 00:02:43.319 that hard to do? 57 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:43.759 Right? 58 00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:45.000 You just buy the little thing? 59 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:47.000 I thought you just plug it in, but you know, 60 00:02:47.479 --> 00:02:50.400 there's like a whole add it to the network hard 61 00:02:50.439 --> 00:02:53.080 wire at first, then you move it. It's like a 62 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:56.199 thing really and hard wire. I mean like you have 63 00:02:56.280 --> 00:02:59.439 to plug in the ethernet and then like then you 64 00:02:59.560 --> 00:03:01.360 move it and then you add it. You have a 65 00:03:01.400 --> 00:03:03.000 new app on your I mean it felt like there 66 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:03.919 were a lot of steps to it. 67 00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:06.400 A new app on my phone? Oh yeah, lost me. 68 00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:07.639 I swear to god. 69 00:03:07.960 --> 00:03:10.120 It's like if I have to download another app, I'm 70 00:03:10.159 --> 00:03:11.719 gonna throw my phone off the window. 71 00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:14.800 But if it's buffering in my bedroom, what does that 72 00:03:14.840 --> 00:03:16.159 mean I need an extender? Right? 73 00:03:16.759 --> 00:03:20.639 I would think so, But I don't. I don't know 74 00:03:20.680 --> 00:03:23.159 why it doesn't work in my bedroom upstairs. My Wi 75 00:03:23.159 --> 00:03:26.159 Fi things down here in my living room works fine. 76 00:03:26.199 --> 00:03:29.000 Down here works for my kids in their bedrooms, but 77 00:03:29.039 --> 00:03:31.520 whenever I'm in there and I've tried to record with 78 00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:35.080 you in there, and it like gets all jumpy. 79 00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:37.759 So yeah, maybe that's gonna be something you learn how 80 00:03:37.800 --> 00:03:39.400 to do and then come over here and help me. 81 00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:44.159 Perhaps maybe you're slightly more handy than me a little bit. 82 00:03:44.360 --> 00:03:45.879 I know, it's funny. People will be like, oh my god, 83 00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:46.360 you're handy. 84 00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:49.719 I'm like barely and I have worked very hard to 85 00:03:49.759 --> 00:03:52.080 fight with my ADHD to become handy. 86 00:03:52.719 --> 00:03:55.199 I think you also are techie like I. When you 87 00:03:55.240 --> 00:03:57.800 were doing the microphones for our camera, I was like. 88 00:03:57.800 --> 00:04:02.439 Hmm yeah, tech background, little tech wizard, a. 89 00:04:02.439 --> 00:04:05.639 Little tech quizzer. I mean it was complicated with our 90 00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:07.000 camera that we've used twice. 91 00:04:07.120 --> 00:04:10.159 It was, I know, and we still didn't get it right. 92 00:04:10.360 --> 00:04:12.599 But we still didn't get it right. You know, we're 93 00:04:12.639 --> 00:04:16.120 getting there. I got getting are you. 94 00:04:16.279 --> 00:04:18.839 That's impressive? That kind of is giving laptop on the 95 00:04:18.839 --> 00:04:20.120 airplane vibes. 96 00:04:20.480 --> 00:04:22.720 Right, I would look very cool on an airplane right. 97 00:04:22.680 --> 00:04:26.319 Now, you're just like flashing it around. I have a microphone. 98 00:04:26.519 --> 00:04:30.439 I have a microphone. Everyone listen to me, be calm. 99 00:04:31.839 --> 00:04:33.160 Well, what are we talking about today. 100 00:04:34.600 --> 00:04:38.120 We are talking about how dating seems to be getting 101 00:04:38.600 --> 00:04:42.959 harder and like, I guess myths around dating right Like 102 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:45.959 now I am seeing someone right now, so I'm not 103 00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:47.079 in the dating mix. 104 00:04:47.839 --> 00:04:49.680 But from what I hear. 105 00:04:49.720 --> 00:04:52.639 People that are dating, even though you're dating someone, you're 106 00:04:53.120 --> 00:04:53.759 you hear of it. 107 00:04:54.040 --> 00:04:56.680 I hear it, and yeah, I constantly, I mean it's 108 00:04:56.720 --> 00:04:58.959 constantly on TikTok of how do I meet people? 109 00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:00.879 And it's one of the reasons why. 110 00:05:00.839 --> 00:05:03.439 We started doing the Pitch a Friend thing because we 111 00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:06.079 just feel like, you know, it's another avenue for people 112 00:05:06.120 --> 00:05:09.279 to try to meet their match. But one of the 113 00:05:09.319 --> 00:05:11.199 things that we're talking about that's really interesting is to 114 00:05:11.199 --> 00:05:14.399 hear people say like I'm dating, and it's like, what 115 00:05:14.439 --> 00:05:16.800 does that mean? Does that mean that you're dating like 116 00:05:17.560 --> 00:05:18.560 multiple people? 117 00:05:19.240 --> 00:05:22.160 Yeah, I'm open to dating. This is I pose this 118 00:05:22.240 --> 00:05:24.079 to Melissa, and I want you guys to think about 119 00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:28.439 this too. Do you have one friend, one friend, single 120 00:05:28.519 --> 00:05:32.560 friend that is dating around, like going on dates in 121 00:05:32.600 --> 00:05:33.439 the way that like. 122 00:05:33.399 --> 00:05:34.800 My talking to different people. 123 00:05:35.079 --> 00:05:38.000 Yeah, like dating dating, this is what dating is. It's 124 00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:41.439 what I did in college, It's what I did after college. Yeah, 125 00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:43.600 do you have one friend you know that does that. 126 00:05:43.920 --> 00:05:47.399 I do not have one friend, not that I know of. Ever, 127 00:05:47.720 --> 00:05:49.680 in all the years that I've been out, I've never 128 00:05:49.720 --> 00:05:51.959 met a woman that said, yeah, i'm dating around, I'm 129 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:54.120 seeing this woman. Never once. 130 00:05:54.639 --> 00:05:56.680 I know people straight people that do that. 131 00:05:57.199 --> 00:05:59.240 Same my kids do it, both of them. 132 00:05:59.600 --> 00:06:03.199 Yeah, but I don't know any lesbians that do that. 133 00:06:04.199 --> 00:06:07.000 So someone posted, and I reposted, She's like, what is 134 00:06:07.040 --> 00:06:10.199 happening with dating? And like, if you think about how 135 00:06:10.240 --> 00:06:13.800 long you've been out, probably a couple times, but like, 136 00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:17.560 and you've dated more than me. Like I seem to 137 00:06:17.600 --> 00:06:21.120 be in long term relationships and then I'm single and 138 00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:24.079 then I'm in another long term relationship. But I can 139 00:06:24.160 --> 00:06:27.800 think in a handful of times, how many times somebody 140 00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:30.279 has reached out to me and said, I would like 141 00:06:30.319 --> 00:06:33.639 to take you on a date. Here's the plan, let's 142 00:06:33.680 --> 00:06:36.480 go on a date. Like I don't that doesn't happen 143 00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:39.399 very often. It's more, hey, we're going to be here Saturday, 144 00:06:39.399 --> 00:06:41.600 I hope you'll come, or like you said, you get 145 00:06:41.639 --> 00:06:45.399 the group text that's like, you know they're kind of 146 00:06:45.439 --> 00:06:47.360 interested in you, but they're throwing you in a. 147 00:06:47.319 --> 00:06:50.160 Mix of people, right, yeah, Like, are you going to 148 00:06:50.160 --> 00:06:51.480 be at this event, that kind of. 149 00:06:51.399 --> 00:06:53.000 Thing, Yes, are you going to be at this event? 150 00:06:53.839 --> 00:06:58.120 Or I'm always like no, let know, you have to. 151 00:06:58.040 --> 00:06:58.759 Come to my house. 152 00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:01.399 You've got to come to my house, and please don't 153 00:07:01.439 --> 00:07:05.519 come in, but be outside on the porch. I'll get 154 00:07:05.560 --> 00:07:07.560 to know you and then we'll see where things go. 155 00:07:07.959 --> 00:07:10.079 That's your first date is hanging out on your porch. 156 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:14.040 You don't have to go anywhere. I think one of 157 00:07:14.040 --> 00:07:17.439 the things is though, like we're also like apprehensive and 158 00:07:17.519 --> 00:07:21.439 scared to date. You know, like there's a fear around 159 00:07:21.759 --> 00:07:25.120 one like telling someone that you're into them or implicating 160 00:07:25.160 --> 00:07:29.199 that or implying that, not implicating that you're interested, because 161 00:07:29.240 --> 00:07:31.720 it's almost like okay, but what if they're not interested 162 00:07:31.759 --> 00:07:34.439 and then they're like laughing at me, you know, like 163 00:07:34.600 --> 00:07:35.439 calling up their friends. 164 00:07:35.600 --> 00:07:37.399 You won't believe who me? 165 00:07:37.560 --> 00:07:40.319 I know, but is that like think about the women 166 00:07:40.399 --> 00:07:43.319 that you'd be asking out. I can't even like when 167 00:07:43.319 --> 00:07:46.680 I think about the if anyone does that, good fucking 168 00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:49.720 ridden never like I don't care who you are if you. 169 00:07:49.759 --> 00:07:53.199 Yeah, I'm not. I would never laugh someone in that case. 170 00:07:53.240 --> 00:07:55.920 And I'm sure this is my own internalized version of 171 00:07:55.959 --> 00:07:56.600 what's happening. 172 00:07:56.959 --> 00:07:58.759 Yeah, but also It's like. 173 00:08:00.279 --> 00:08:03.240 I feel like once it's initiated that you guys, like 174 00:08:03.319 --> 00:08:06.839 two people are like, yeah, let's date, let's figure this out. 175 00:08:07.160 --> 00:08:09.759 It's kind of like you're both zeroing in on each other. 176 00:08:10.120 --> 00:08:12.439 And I feel like, more often than not, when it 177 00:08:12.600 --> 00:08:14.720 suddenly comes like let's say you hang out with someone 178 00:08:15.040 --> 00:08:19.079 five times, yeah, and then you do find out that 179 00:08:19.120 --> 00:08:22.199 this other person is talking to someone else too, it 180 00:08:22.279 --> 00:08:25.360 feels a bit like a betrayal already, you know, even 181 00:08:25.399 --> 00:08:27.240 though you're not committed. It's kind of like, well, wait 182 00:08:27.240 --> 00:08:29.480 a second, like you've got another iron in the fire here, 183 00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:33.600 and like I thought something else was happening, and they've 184 00:08:33.600 --> 00:08:37.679 got someone else too. It just kind of like knocks 185 00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:38.399 things off kilter. 186 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:40.679 I can see that. But it's like, to me, it's 187 00:08:40.720 --> 00:08:45.120 such an important decision to spend time with someone or 188 00:08:45.159 --> 00:08:48.960 give somebody a lot of time over a series of weeks, months, years, 189 00:08:49.840 --> 00:08:54.679 that it's like to me, I see why people should 190 00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:57.840 be dating. They should go out on a few dates 191 00:08:57.919 --> 00:09:01.679 and like simultaneou like if you go out, you know, 192 00:09:01.759 --> 00:09:05.120 one Saturday night, and then you find yourself really wanting 193 00:09:05.159 --> 00:09:06.960 to hang out with that person that you just met, 194 00:09:07.000 --> 00:09:09.000 and then you meet someone else and you're like, yeah, 195 00:09:09.159 --> 00:09:12.360 just reinforced that I had more fun or I felt 196 00:09:12.360 --> 00:09:15.480 more myself with the person a I don't know. Like 197 00:09:15.519 --> 00:09:19.200 to me, it's good data to collect before you say, okay, 198 00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:20.000 you're my person. 199 00:09:20.639 --> 00:09:23.879 Yeah, well we're also not doing like lesbians are not 200 00:09:23.960 --> 00:09:27.799 good at pacing a relationship, you know, like that's the 201 00:09:27.840 --> 00:09:32.240 infamous U haul situation, Like we're not good at not 202 00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:37.440 you know, diving in entirely, Like it's it's zero to sixty. 203 00:09:37.879 --> 00:09:40.840 And the thing is, it's like, okay, but what if 204 00:09:40.879 --> 00:09:42.799 you did date a little bit like you used to 205 00:09:42.879 --> 00:09:46.519 back in college dating guys where it was like, let's 206 00:09:46.559 --> 00:09:49.799 say the scenario that kind of played out in my 207 00:09:49.960 --> 00:09:53.399 life was meet a guy on a Thursday night, you know, 208 00:09:53.679 --> 00:09:58.639 maybe he asked you out for that weekend and you 209 00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:02.039 go out that Saturday, not hearing from them again. Like 210 00:10:02.480 --> 00:10:06.519 they're not calling you every day, people barely texting back. 211 00:10:06.399 --> 00:10:07.679 Five thousand times. 212 00:10:07.879 --> 00:10:09.960 Yeah, like you're not texting a million times. 213 00:10:10.240 --> 00:10:12.399 Maybe they call you on like Wednesday and ask if 214 00:10:12.440 --> 00:10:15.600 you're free for that Friday night, like you're not in 215 00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:16.840 constant contact. 216 00:10:17.159 --> 00:10:18.480 Now, I know things have changed. 217 00:10:18.519 --> 00:10:21.720 This I'm referring back to, you know, twenty five years ago, 218 00:10:22.279 --> 00:10:26.000 but like it's paced and. 219 00:10:25.960 --> 00:10:29.879 You're past and you have time to build anticipation right 220 00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:34.440 before everything. Yeah, I think it can develop more naturally 221 00:10:34.519 --> 00:10:37.440 that way, but I don't. I mean, this is where 222 00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:39.759 we are now. I did want to say that the 223 00:10:39.840 --> 00:10:44.320 pitch our pitch in Chicago. She sent me a photo 224 00:10:44.720 --> 00:10:46.240 of her and the woman she. 225 00:10:46.279 --> 00:10:51.720 Met already already that's awesome and who knows, maybe they're friends, 226 00:10:51.759 --> 00:10:53.679 maybe they'll see each other a million times. 227 00:10:53.759 --> 00:10:56.559 Maybe who knows what will happen. But she's like, hey, 228 00:10:56.679 --> 00:10:57.759 just want to say thanks. 229 00:10:58.240 --> 00:10:58.600 That's all. 230 00:10:58.600 --> 00:11:01.320 I met this cool woman and we're hanging out. 231 00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:02.360 I love that. 232 00:11:03.200 --> 00:11:06.080 Again, no idea if it's a relationship, a friendship, no clue. 233 00:11:06.120 --> 00:11:09.000 But they looked precious together and they were having a blast, 234 00:11:09.399 --> 00:11:12.039 and I thought, that is what the pitch is for. 235 00:11:13.039 --> 00:11:16.840 So do a pitch like it doesn't hurt you. 236 00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:18.799 It can't hurt Yeah, it can. 237 00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:20.960 I mean, And all I see with people doing that 238 00:11:21.080 --> 00:11:22.720 is someone who's really confident in who they. 239 00:11:22.600 --> 00:11:26.080 Are, right yeah and ready. 240 00:11:26.360 --> 00:11:28.120 They're ready because you know what, they don't have an 241 00:11:28.120 --> 00:11:30.960 ex girlfriend on the side that they're still toying with. 242 00:11:31.080 --> 00:11:33.480 If they're putting themselves out there in that capacity. 243 00:11:33.600 --> 00:11:37.000 That is such a good point, Melissa. They nailed it. 244 00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:41.000 If you're doing a public pitch, there's no X in 245 00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:44.080 the background or some side thing that you're still trying 246 00:11:44.120 --> 00:11:47.600 to walk away from, right that is somebody you are 247 00:11:47.639 --> 00:11:49.960 free and clear. And I think that is that is 248 00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:53.279 so true. I never even thought about that. But to 249 00:11:53.360 --> 00:11:56.559 go back to like dating, it is like rack your 250 00:11:56.559 --> 00:11:59.879 brain to think of people that even do our talking 251 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:00.960 to a few people. 252 00:12:01.799 --> 00:12:04.360 The concept of dating around I just feel like doesn't 253 00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:08.799 exist in the lesbian community. Like you're meeting someone and 254 00:12:08.879 --> 00:12:11.399 I feel like, you know, like I said that infamous 255 00:12:11.519 --> 00:12:14.799 U Haul situation, you may not be moving in together, 256 00:12:15.159 --> 00:12:18.360 but you're definitely spending all your time together right away. 257 00:12:19.039 --> 00:12:21.720 And it is very rare to hear that someone has 258 00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:24.559 someone you know else on the side. That does happen, 259 00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:26.679 I shouldn't even know. But it's not there's nothing wrong 260 00:12:26.759 --> 00:12:30.440 with it. There's nothing wrong with it. Like it's it's 261 00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:33.879 allowing you to get to know someone at a slower, 262 00:12:34.080 --> 00:12:39.600 more measured pace, and you know, adding some mystery in 263 00:12:40.720 --> 00:12:43.200 to the to the whole thing too, which I think 264 00:12:43.279 --> 00:12:43.879 is important. 265 00:12:44.279 --> 00:12:48.000 Yeah, I agree, I Yeah, I was thinking that the 266 00:12:48.080 --> 00:12:50.000 other maybe a couple of weeks ago at the bar. 267 00:12:50.200 --> 00:12:53.200 I remember at Urban Pie, I met a woman who 268 00:12:53.279 --> 00:12:55.960 was sitting next to someone that she was on a 269 00:12:56.039 --> 00:12:57.879 date with. You were there, we were all there. It 270 00:12:57.919 --> 00:13:01.519 was the day of the Valero dance party. Oh yeah, 271 00:13:01.559 --> 00:13:05.320 and okay, so she I walk over. We we get 272 00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:07.720 introduced because we're in a group of all our friends, 273 00:13:08.200 --> 00:13:10.600 and then she kind of I'm like, oh, who is 274 00:13:10.639 --> 00:13:12.399 this your wife? I forget what I said, and she 275 00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:14.320 was like, no, but we're on a date, Like this 276 00:13:14.360 --> 00:13:16.799 is our we just started dating. I just met her 277 00:13:17.320 --> 00:13:20.320 like we're on a date. And I remember thinking like 278 00:13:21.200 --> 00:13:24.440 that was interesting to me because I'd never like she 279 00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:26.399 was dating. I mean, she was doing the thing that 280 00:13:26.440 --> 00:13:28.279 you do now there. I don't know why they would 281 00:13:28.360 --> 00:13:30.399 choose to go there for a date because you're like 282 00:13:31.399 --> 00:13:34.200 in this crowd of lesbians. 283 00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:34.799 Maybe I got a. 284 00:13:34.720 --> 00:13:37.960 Pizza joint at the bar, But but I thought she was, 285 00:13:38.159 --> 00:13:40.120 you know, she was doing the thing. And I wondered 286 00:13:40.159 --> 00:13:42.799 to myself, are they dating other people or is this 287 00:13:42.919 --> 00:13:46.200 like the typical lesbian Like you're on this first or 288 00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:48.240 second date and you're just now all of a sudden 289 00:13:48.360 --> 00:13:50.720 zeroed in on each other like what's the story here. 290 00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:53.200 There was a straight couple on a date there too. 291 00:13:53.759 --> 00:13:55.679 I don't know if you're got the same night. Okay, 292 00:13:55.679 --> 00:13:57.919 the same day, but I don't know. It's like what 293 00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:01.000 I think that's the other part too, Like we we 294 00:14:01.039 --> 00:14:03.919 want to go on the first few dates and then 295 00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:06.919 it's like immediately, like you got to meet everybody, you 296 00:14:06.960 --> 00:14:08.159 got to meet all immediately. 297 00:14:08.200 --> 00:14:10.159 I want to have you with all my friends. 298 00:14:10.120 --> 00:14:14.120 Like yeah, and I don't know again, like keep some 299 00:14:14.240 --> 00:14:18.159 mystery there, you know, like pace that kind of thing 300 00:14:18.720 --> 00:14:20.879 and get to know that person, make sure that you 301 00:14:20.960 --> 00:14:22.639 do want to bring them in the mix of your 302 00:14:22.679 --> 00:14:25.279 friend group, get to know them first. 303 00:14:25.799 --> 00:14:27.919 To me, this is just a me thing, like on 304 00:14:28.799 --> 00:14:31.080 you're just the two of you. Like the relationship is 305 00:14:31.080 --> 00:14:33.840 going to look different in a public setting because now 306 00:14:33.879 --> 00:14:35.799 I've got to put eyes on all these other people 307 00:14:36.480 --> 00:14:39.159 versus like like I'm thinking about this weekend at Mandy's 308 00:14:39.159 --> 00:14:42.080 birthday party. It was so fun and like I'm measured 309 00:14:42.120 --> 00:14:44.919 because I'm talking to you. Then I wanted to meet 310 00:14:44.960 --> 00:14:47.240 with I wanted to chat with Claudia. We were talking 311 00:14:47.279 --> 00:14:50.600 about fun stuff. Then said hi to a few other people. 312 00:14:50.759 --> 00:14:54.039 It's like if I had had a date there, Like, 313 00:14:54.240 --> 00:14:57.120 that's not my best thing. Yeah, I could introduce you 314 00:14:57.159 --> 00:14:59.559 to a shit ton of people, but that's not helping 315 00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:01.399 you and I, which is what I'm working on. 316 00:15:02.039 --> 00:15:05.200 Yeah, And it kind of circles back to that topic 317 00:15:05.240 --> 00:15:08.080 that we were talking about a few months ago of 318 00:15:08.240 --> 00:15:12.320 that woman whose girlfriend wanted to join her like annual 319 00:15:12.440 --> 00:15:16.000 oh yeah, her monthly book club or something girls trip. 320 00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:17.519 Yeah, girl, yeah, And it. 321 00:15:17.519 --> 00:15:20.159 Was like, that's not the time to bring your partner 322 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:23.639 in to meet, you know, like, yeah, bringing someone to 323 00:15:24.039 --> 00:15:25.360 a friend's birthday party. 324 00:15:26.080 --> 00:15:27.240 I don't know like that. 325 00:15:28.039 --> 00:15:31.000 I guess I could go either way. But if you 326 00:15:31.039 --> 00:15:34.320 want your friends to meet your person, organize your own 327 00:15:34.360 --> 00:15:37.480 thing and bring them in that way, or bring them 328 00:15:37.480 --> 00:15:40.440 in slowly, don't you know, throw them to the wolves 329 00:15:40.480 --> 00:15:42.360 and bring them to your book club. 330 00:15:42.919 --> 00:15:43.240 I know. 331 00:15:43.639 --> 00:15:46.919 Actually, I'm so impressed with our friend Robin if she's listening, 332 00:15:47.320 --> 00:15:51.440 because Robin had this new woman that she met and 333 00:15:51.559 --> 00:15:55.840 she didn't. We had something big going on for the 334 00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:57.159 social group that weekend. 335 00:15:57.879 --> 00:15:59.080 We peer pressure to her heart. 336 00:15:59.200 --> 00:16:02.000 We peer pressure her heart, and she did not cave. 337 00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:06.279 She didn't, she did not show up, and she was like, yeah, 338 00:16:06.399 --> 00:16:08.679 no thanks, Like I've got a way better play than 339 00:16:08.759 --> 00:16:17.240 what you guys are doing. But I thought, bring, yeah, 340 00:16:17.360 --> 00:16:19.159 she's like, I'm just not going to do it. I 341 00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:23.519 don't know. I admired that in her, especially because she's 342 00:16:23.519 --> 00:16:26.600 somebody who does love a good time. She loves to dance. 343 00:16:26.840 --> 00:16:29.960 All the things, all the things that would tempt her 344 00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:35.480 were there right outdoors, close to home in the neighborhood, 345 00:16:36.480 --> 00:16:41.679 but she's she stayed the course. Think of something from that. 346 00:16:41.960 --> 00:16:45.200 Right, It's important, Yeah, spend your time with that person, 347 00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:48.120 get to know them. Pace the way you're getting to 348 00:16:48.200 --> 00:16:52.879 know them, like there's no rush. I think one of 349 00:16:52.919 --> 00:16:55.840 the fears that I've had coming up with when I 350 00:16:55.879 --> 00:17:00.279 was dating a few years ago, I had met someone who, 351 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:04.759 you know, she was seeing other people, and that immediately like, okay, 352 00:17:04.799 --> 00:17:06.960 so she was doing it competition. 353 00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:08.559 Yeah, yeah, this. 354 00:17:08.640 --> 00:17:09.640 Okay, so this happened. 355 00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:13.880 I've never Okay, this was a few years ago, but 356 00:17:14.680 --> 00:17:17.000 I do remember feeling a bit of like, oh man, 357 00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:19.160 that like makes me feel like I have to compete 358 00:17:19.240 --> 00:17:19.799 a little bit. 359 00:17:20.559 --> 00:17:22.119 But it wasn't long. 360 00:17:21.920 --> 00:17:24.279 After that that she was like, forget all those people, 361 00:17:24.359 --> 00:17:28.200 I want to date you, which made me feel good, 362 00:17:28.279 --> 00:17:30.759 but it was a bit of like, oh, like I 363 00:17:30.759 --> 00:17:32.960 didn't like the feeling of like knowing that she was 364 00:17:33.000 --> 00:17:35.880 like going on a dates with other people and I wasn't. 365 00:17:36.279 --> 00:17:38.920 Did you know, like would you know when she was 366 00:17:38.920 --> 00:17:39.480 on a date? 367 00:17:40.119 --> 00:17:41.000 No? 368 00:17:41.960 --> 00:17:43.920 And that was I mean that really only lasted for 369 00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:48.480 like a week two weeks. Do you also feel sometimes 370 00:17:48.519 --> 00:17:51.200 like oh, in lesbian time, that was uh ten. 371 00:17:51.079 --> 00:17:54.359 Years a decade. But do you ever feel like to 372 00:17:54.599 --> 00:17:57.160 like you don't know, like the minute you start dating someone, 373 00:17:57.319 --> 00:17:59.359 all of a sudden they know what you're doing because 374 00:17:59.359 --> 00:18:01.880 you text so much and you're like in constant contact 375 00:18:02.359 --> 00:18:05.200 that it's like they know they it's Thursday and you're 376 00:18:05.240 --> 00:18:08.519 supposed to be here. So it's like you can't even 377 00:18:09.160 --> 00:18:11.680 like there is no plan you're there'd be really hard 378 00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:13.119 to be outdating because you're not. 379 00:18:14.200 --> 00:18:20.079 You're in such good Yeah, they know your routine immediately, Yeah, 380 00:18:20.119 --> 00:18:22.839 and it's yeah, there isn't any kind of like, oh, 381 00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:26.200 like you can't have some downtime where it's I don't know, 382 00:18:26.359 --> 00:18:27.880 like you're Yeah, you're a meshing so. 383 00:18:27.920 --> 00:18:28.720 Quickly with people. 384 00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:30.359 People a mesh so quickly. 385 00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:33.559 That if you were like, yeah, I'm grabbing I'm I'm 386 00:18:33.759 --> 00:18:36.960 grabbing coffee with a friend that. 387 00:18:37.000 --> 00:18:42.160 We feel like you are Wait what your friend where? Yeah? 388 00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:43.799 Yeah, can I join you? 389 00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:50.599 Exactly exactly Like I have a good friend down here 390 00:18:50.759 --> 00:18:54.359 that I won't say names, but we always do like 391 00:18:54.400 --> 00:18:58.160 we're Our codependence makes us be like, hey, I'm going 392 00:18:58.200 --> 00:19:01.240 to be at dinner tonight with so and so in midtown, 393 00:19:02.119 --> 00:19:05.440 Like there's like this whole outline of what's happening, because 394 00:19:05.480 --> 00:19:09.119 I think we both are like sensitive about wait where 395 00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:09.799 are you again? 396 00:19:10.920 --> 00:19:11.160 Right? 397 00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:13.759 Not in a like that way, but more just like 398 00:19:13.799 --> 00:19:15.839 I'm so used to knowing. I'm used to knowing where 399 00:19:15.839 --> 00:19:19.039 you are saying. I know, like of a sudden a 400 00:19:19.079 --> 00:19:21.599 weekend went by and I didn't know what you were 401 00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:23.640