1 00:00:00,440 --> 00:00:03,879 Speaker 1: When you are in your twenties. You have a two 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,799 year maximum with a boyfriend. Hey, I'm not telling you 3 00:00:06,879 --> 00:00:09,759 what I heard. Listen, you have a two year maximum. 4 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,679 Please do not spend your twenties. I meet women every day. 5 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:15,000 I was with him from nineteen or twenty four. I 6 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:17,719 was with him from twenty four to twenty nine. I 7 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:21,519 was with him. No, ma'am, you gotta stick and move 8 00:00:21,559 --> 00:00:23,879 in your twenties. Okay, you need to be with somebody 9 00:00:23,879 --> 00:00:26,879 for two years. Qute, it's probably not your husband, and 10 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:28,879 you keep it moving. That is one of my biggest 11 00:00:28,879 --> 00:00:32,840 advice to women in their twenties. Do not spend your 12 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:56,520 twenties going through this type of deep, deep betrayal. Hey, y'all, 13 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,159 welcome back to Dear to see You. We're jumping right 14 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:02,320 into it. We have i'm subscription reminders following your to 15 00:01:02,359 --> 00:01:05,439 see a podcast on Apple and Spotify and leave us 16 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:08,920 a five star review now one not two five star reviews, 17 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,760 because we know that you're enjoying the show. Subscribe to 18 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:14,680 Relationship Restored and you're to see it which is under 19 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,040 to see an XPS on YouTube. And then we are 20 00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:21,599 trying to get to ten k subscribers by the end 21 00:01:21,599 --> 00:01:23,319 of the year, and I know y'all gonna give me 22 00:01:23,879 --> 00:01:26,640 that for Christmas or like January one, because I've been 23 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,200 a good girl and I am on the nice list 24 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,599 this year. So we're introducing our Peanut Gallery. We have 25 00:01:32,719 --> 00:01:36,319 miss CC Hi George, and I always say like she's 26 00:01:36,359 --> 00:01:39,200 like my spirit animal. You know, I'm a tour so 27 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,000 I'm April twentieth, so I start the tours and so 28 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:45,200 that aries becuse I'm right on it. In C season 29 00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:51,400 ares at Fire Little Flas, But I always like to 30 00:01:51,439 --> 00:01:54,799 say how I met my Peanut Gallery guest. So if 31 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:57,439 you all didn't see last episode, Cec was also our guest, 32 00:01:57,719 --> 00:02:02,920 but CC's husband. It's my college besties godbrother, and so 33 00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:05,840 we used to like frolic at his apartment and stuff. 34 00:02:05,879 --> 00:02:07,599 When I used to live in New York in Spanish 35 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:09,439 Harlem Child having us a good old time and I 36 00:02:09,439 --> 00:02:12,400 always but Shane seemed like he was doing pretty okay. 37 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:16,360 Meanwhile Whitney and I were flapping around. I always say 38 00:02:16,439 --> 00:02:18,479 I get the itch to move to New York sometimes, 39 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:22,199 but I'm always like, baby, I remember them days. We 40 00:02:22,199 --> 00:02:24,199 ain't really you know, New York ain't the place to 41 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,479 go to bro but so we had a ball on. 42 00:02:26,759 --> 00:02:28,719 We used to have a ball on twenty dollars. These 43 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,000 kids don't know nothing like we really was making it 44 00:02:31,039 --> 00:02:31,759 having a good time. 45 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:32,120 Speaker 2: Okay. 46 00:02:32,159 --> 00:02:34,159 Speaker 1: I think everybody need a struggle point at some time. 47 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,479 It ain't life really everybody. Everybody need to be struggling 48 00:02:37,479 --> 00:02:39,719 at some time of your time of your life. Anyways. 49 00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:45,199 Our listener review. This is from Larrae ninety two. Where 50 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:49,520 are the updates? Child? I love it here the advice 51 00:02:49,599 --> 00:02:52,080 is always on points to see it and friends always 52 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,319 know what to say. I'm so ready for the updates. 53 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,639 Did the ladies take the advice? I need to know, girl, 54 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,199 I need to know to call us back if you 55 00:02:59,319 --> 00:03:02,639 have written in before. Okay, please let us know because 56 00:03:02,719 --> 00:03:04,560 myself and the other listeners want to know by we 57 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:07,639 call us back and let us know. Did you did 58 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:09,759 you do what I told you to do? Okay? Because 59 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,560 I'm telling you what I heard, I'm telling you what 60 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:13,599 I know. Guy, did you do what I told you 61 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:17,639 to do? Okay? Our first dear to see a voicemail, 62 00:03:18,479 --> 00:03:22,439 and it is how do I stay soft after so 63 00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:23,840 much hurt? 64 00:03:24,919 --> 00:03:28,680 Speaker 3: Dear to see you so over? My thirty five years 65 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:32,199 have gone through many toxic relationships, especially with the men 66 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,199 in my family. I was raised in the mountains and 67 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,439 many messed up things happened over there that used to 68 00:03:36,479 --> 00:03:38,319 be reflected in the way I used to date man. 69 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,439 But over the time I've gotten more street and my 70 00:03:41,479 --> 00:03:44,599 libida has changed drastically, Like I feel more in control 71 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:48,400 and I'm working with purpose. I feel great, discipline focused, 72 00:03:48,439 --> 00:03:50,479 you know. But a couple of weeks ago, I went 73 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:52,960 out with my male best friend to celebrate his birthday, 74 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,680 and at the end of the night, a couple of 75 00:03:54,759 --> 00:03:57,039 men approached us and one of them was hitting on me. 76 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,199 Apparently he knew them, but I didn't. He was hitting 77 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,240 on me and I asked to stop because I didn't 78 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,000 like the way he was doing it, and my friend 79 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,719 went like, oh, you got to be patient with this 80 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,599 bitch because she needs d Obviously wouldn't talk anymore. We 81 00:04:07,639 --> 00:04:10,599 had a very bad argument. I feel so left alone, 82 00:04:10,759 --> 00:04:13,639 and anyways, I don't think that I have gotten better. 83 00:04:13,919 --> 00:04:16,759 But obviously my question is how do you keep your 84 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:20,439 softness from all these disappointments, Like I don't want to 85 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,160 lose my softness. I don't want to get better with 86 00:04:24,439 --> 00:04:27,399 all these disappointments. You know, I want to be ready 87 00:04:27,439 --> 00:04:30,480 for the right man, and I think that's one of 88 00:04:30,519 --> 00:04:33,879 the things that I maybe I think I have to 89 00:04:33,959 --> 00:04:35,759 work on. So yeah, thank you. 90 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,199 Speaker 1: First things first, I hope that friend you checked his ass. Okay, okay, 91 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,360 I help you check that friend, because a lot of 92 00:04:44,399 --> 00:04:48,959 times people want to keep you where they met you, 93 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:52,439 and it takes a lot for friendships to grow in 94 00:04:52,519 --> 00:04:56,079 parallel and evolve when you're not the person that they 95 00:04:56,199 --> 00:04:59,839 met before. So I hope that you check that apple door, 96 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,199 and I hope that you are, you know, kind of 97 00:05:02,199 --> 00:05:06,279 doing some recalibrating and repositioning of that and even just 98 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:10,399 like a hearty conversation that you are in a new 99 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,160 place and that you did not appreciate it, because I 100 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,600 feel like that was very disrespectful. Why are you telling 101 00:05:17,199 --> 00:05:21,199 other men that she needs some d That's just second 102 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:26,000 and it really just a dig right, And again, look, 103 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:29,079 I don't know if this is I'm gonna start this. 104 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,879 I don't know if he's a gay man. But you know, 105 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,199 sometimes gay man they really think that they could say 106 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:37,639 and do anything. Okay, they really do, so I don't 107 00:05:37,639 --> 00:05:40,800 know that's kind of given. Anyways, let me get off 108 00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:46,279 of that now. The softness. She wants to know how 109 00:05:46,319 --> 00:05:49,399 does she keep her softness after all of this disappointment. 110 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,040 Let me tell you the funniest thing is that I 111 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,120 think I think people would think that's what happened to me, 112 00:05:55,759 --> 00:05:58,399 that I got lied to when she did on so 113 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,759 much that now I'm just on the internet Claq rather 114 00:06:01,399 --> 00:06:04,399 like you better not. That is not what happened to me, y'all. 115 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:07,560 I'm trying to say, y'all, I actually live a very 116 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,240 very soft life, and the men that are in my 117 00:06:10,319 --> 00:06:12,959 life and date me, they're actually very surprised that I 118 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:17,000 am a soft, sweet girl. Okay, so that's not what 119 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,600 happened to me. But I will say is that I 120 00:06:19,639 --> 00:06:25,160 can resonate with being burned so many times that you 121 00:06:25,199 --> 00:06:27,959 build the Wall of China up because you just do 122 00:06:27,959 --> 00:06:29,800 not want to be hurt and you want to make 123 00:06:29,839 --> 00:06:33,279 sure that you are respecting that people are respecting your boundaries. 124 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:37,759 Here's what I'll say about this. When it's actually an 125 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:41,959 inside job, you don't have to perform it. I always 126 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,519 say I never have told a man when I'm not 127 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,519 going to accept what you can't do to me, how 128 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,399 you can't treat me. It's an inside job. And it 129 00:06:49,519 --> 00:06:51,519 just comes out, and men know not to fucking play 130 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,920 with me. Right, I think it's almost innate, and it's 131 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,759 the aura. And this is why I say, all you 132 00:06:56,839 --> 00:06:59,800 sticky no holes, all you affirmation holes that really don't 133 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:02,439 believe it. You got all these little post its and 134 00:07:02,519 --> 00:07:05,360 reminders around your house. I'm smart, i am beautiful, I 135 00:07:05,399 --> 00:07:08,639 am worthy, and you really don't believe it. It's not 136 00:07:08,759 --> 00:07:12,000 going to work because men are like tsa hound dogs. 137 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,800 They're like a German shepherd, right. They can smell you 138 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,160 through the suitcase. They know when you're vulnerable, they know 139 00:07:17,199 --> 00:07:19,759 when you're naive, they know when you're insecure. So you 140 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,240 actually have to believe it. And when it's an inside 141 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,199 job and you truly have done the work, you ain't 142 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:30,399 even gotta speak on it. And actually the true growth 143 00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:34,800 would have been in how you actually handled this, right, 144 00:07:35,279 --> 00:07:39,879 just walk away, don't entertain, dismiss it, start talking to 145 00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:44,120 somebody else, because that type of behavior is beneath you. Right. 146 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,360 I think that when you really have done it from 147 00:07:47,399 --> 00:07:50,680 the inside out and you believe it, you don't really 148 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,439 you ain't gonta do a lot of barking, okay, And 149 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,839 so I think to me, more of this is like 150 00:07:56,279 --> 00:08:00,079 really actually embody what it is. And I think that 151 00:08:01,279 --> 00:08:06,160 we forget as women that softness is actually it's almost 152 00:08:06,199 --> 00:08:12,839 like softness is really what you don't entertain. It's not 153 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:16,079 actually like this, oh sweet loving and I love you, 154 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,879 And I think that we can put those things in 155 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,720 a soft category. But there is like a stale, mate 156 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:27,199 silent thing that I do. And I have literally had 157 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,040 men tell me like I never had a like you. 158 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:34,840 You checked me so gracefully, right, And it's actually very 159 00:08:35,039 --> 00:08:38,919 silent and it's very soft, but it'll hit you in 160 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,759 your fucking chest, okay, Like it will literally make you 161 00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:44,320 feel like whoa. And I ain't even really say it 162 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,039 that much, right, And so I think that she has 163 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,840 to see that the healing can be like double healing, 164 00:08:50,159 --> 00:08:52,360 where it's like you heal it, and now you have 165 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,279 the knowledge that you should be doing better, but now 166 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,120 you have to actually embody it and get off that 167 00:08:59,279 --> 00:09:01,480 couch and do it work. And that's why therapy don't 168 00:09:01,519 --> 00:09:03,679 work for a lot of people, because it's not just 169 00:09:03,759 --> 00:09:05,799 the work on that couch. And I think that she 170 00:09:05,919 --> 00:09:11,559 may be in an earlier stage in her healing where 171 00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:14,799 it's she feels like she gotta work it. You get 172 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,840 what I'm saying. It's like my therapist told me this, 173 00:09:16,919 --> 00:09:18,639 and I know now what my traumas are, and I'm 174 00:09:18,679 --> 00:09:21,279 not gonna do this. And now you're trying to work 175 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,919 it in public when you're around people, but when it's 176 00:09:23,919 --> 00:09:26,360 an inside job, Abby, it's so silent. You ain't even 177 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:27,279 gotta do too much. 178 00:09:27,919 --> 00:09:30,159 Speaker 4: Girl, you are spot on, because I was gonna say 179 00:09:30,759 --> 00:09:34,320 that first of all, the fact that she's conscious that 180 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:36,600 she can be kind of icy and that she wants 181 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,919 to say kind of soft, that's step number one. Yeah, 182 00:09:40,159 --> 00:09:42,840 you are aware of what's going on with you, and 183 00:09:42,879 --> 00:09:48,120 you're trying your fucking hardest to like not just completely 184 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,639 turn into like an Iceberg, because let me tell you, 185 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,200 as someone who was real icy in the heart and 186 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,679 like it's truly very soft and kind hearted and very 187 00:09:54,759 --> 00:09:58,879 warm and lovey. You know, like I can understand like 188 00:09:58,919 --> 00:10:03,080 where she's coming from. But also I think that having 189 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:08,399 the right presence around you will bring your softness out absolutely, 190 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,440 and you don't have to show everybody your softness. And 191 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:13,720 I don't think that that that's a that's a gift, 192 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,480 you know, I think that you know, unfortunately, we live 193 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,080 in a world that you do have to be kind 194 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:22,759 of hard and kind of rigid at times to just navigate. However, 195 00:10:23,519 --> 00:10:25,600 if you know that in your heart and then like 196 00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:29,000 your pure soul, it's it's still there and it's still 197 00:10:29,039 --> 00:10:32,399 like you're still like muche like around the right man, 198 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,919 around the right energy, around the right company. 199 00:10:35,399 --> 00:10:36,919 Speaker 2: They're like, girl, you still have it. 200 00:10:37,799 --> 00:10:40,519 Speaker 4: Not All these men out here, including your little friend, 201 00:10:41,039 --> 00:10:44,279 deserve the off all the softness, you know what I'm saying, 202 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:47,440 Like that's a present, that's a gift. Yes, yeah, And 203 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,840 I truly believe like once the right person comes into 204 00:10:50,879 --> 00:10:54,480 your life, you just automatically. 205 00:10:53,759 --> 00:10:56,000 Speaker 2: Want to breathe, to be soft. 206 00:10:56,279 --> 00:10:59,080 Speaker 1: Yes, And that is so true. When I was say, 207 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,159 one of these men in my life, and I always say, 208 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,679 even when he's like, I to see it, wa ain't 209 00:11:04,679 --> 00:11:09,279 doing that shit today. It's a gentle firm right, And I'll. 210 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,799 Speaker 2: Just be like, okay, exactly, I. 211 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,440 Speaker 1: Know I'm tripping right Like it's like a gentle firm right. 212 00:11:16,879 --> 00:11:21,559 Even his like redirect it's out of kindness and it 213 00:11:21,799 --> 00:11:23,360 immediately makes you melt. 214 00:11:23,759 --> 00:11:24,000 Speaker 5: Yes. 215 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:28,879 Speaker 1: But also I think women forget you can bully these 216 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:33,200 niggas with femininity. It is so powerful. This actually just 217 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,399 happened to me about a month or two ago, and 218 00:11:35,519 --> 00:11:39,080 I was out with my friend and she was dating 219 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,120 one of the guys in the group, and so she 220 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,559 know that whole like where your friends at. So she 221 00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:45,639 brought me and a couple other girls out and we 222 00:11:45,919 --> 00:11:50,240 got introduced to their friends, and I think I had 223 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,799 like kind of went to the bar or something, and 224 00:11:53,159 --> 00:11:56,440 he just kind of had a very rue response, kind 225 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,879 of like I guess you didn't see me here or 226 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,759 something like that, very kind of mean and rude. Y'all. 227 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:07,039 I looked a man dead in his face, held out 228 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,519 my hand and I said, are. 229 00:12:09,399 --> 00:12:12,879 Speaker 2: You okay today? And he's like, yeah, what you mean? 230 00:12:12,879 --> 00:12:15,200 Speaker 1: While I'm not okay? I said, because I just met you, 231 00:12:15,279 --> 00:12:16,840 I'm not sure why you would be so mean? Are 232 00:12:16,879 --> 00:12:17,360 you okay? 233 00:12:17,879 --> 00:12:18,000 Speaker 4: That? 234 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,039 Speaker 1: Nigga had nothing to say. It was the way I 235 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,320 literally I'm holding his hand. He don't know me from 236 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,279 pay on the wall. I said, are you okay to that? 237 00:12:25,279 --> 00:12:25,720 Speaker 6: That's good? 238 00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:28,000 Speaker 1: He's like, what you mean? Yeah, yea ya ya yah, 239 00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,080 I'm okay what you're talking about? I said, because I 240 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,080 just met you, that comment wasn't really that kind. So 241 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,360 I'm wondering are you okay? 242 00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:36,759 Speaker 2: You probably expected you to like kind of like beat 243 00:12:36,759 --> 00:12:38,840 your chest, like meet him where he was at too. 244 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,200 Speaker 1: Absolutely, And when I tell you he had nothing to 245 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:45,039 fucking say, it's just like sometimes you can bully these 246 00:12:45,159 --> 00:12:48,000 niggas with femininity. I'm telling you, like, it has so 247 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,720 much power and for you to be just calm and 248 00:12:51,879 --> 00:12:54,919 sweet when men are being like rude and you know 249 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,799 this kind of behavior, I'm telling you can get very 250 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,559 very far with this. That's my advice to this young lady. 251 00:13:01,639 --> 00:13:04,559 I'm telling you, I will love people and you know too. 252 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,399 I was watching a marriage therapist and she has couples 253 00:13:08,399 --> 00:13:11,120 in there, and one of the things that she said 254 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:14,720 is that it's abt kind of like one of the 255 00:13:14,759 --> 00:13:20,559 ways to de escalate is and it's always be touching, okay, 256 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,759 Like when you are having a tough conversation or argument, 257 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:26,840 something be near that person, be on the arm, leg, 258 00:13:26,919 --> 00:13:29,600 the leg, hand in hand, okay, always be touching because 259 00:13:29,639 --> 00:13:33,399 it's hard to especially somebody you care about, to really 260 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,600 when I grab that man hand and I said, are 261 00:13:35,639 --> 00:13:37,240 you okay? 262 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:40,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, And so there's like an exchange of energy. 263 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:45,360 Speaker 1: Absolutely seems to be like something's wrong with you, you assholes, 264 00:13:45,399 --> 00:13:47,600 what I really wanted to say, because why you don't 265 00:13:47,639 --> 00:13:51,240 even know me, but a lot of men, the way 266 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:56,039 that how domineering they are really comes from an internal thing, 267 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,639 you know. And so even just I don't know if 268 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:02,200 he feel like, oh, maybe I thought that I was 269 00:14:02,279 --> 00:14:04,600 the egg girl out the group and they quickly try 270 00:14:04,639 --> 00:14:07,399 to humble you, and I humble that nigga right back. Okay, 271 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,320 real cute and I was real cute with it, real 272 00:14:10,399 --> 00:14:12,399 cute with it. So anyways, that's my advice to you. 273 00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:16,279 Make sure it's an internal job. Actually believe what you 274 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,440 want to project out into the universe, and also just like, 275 00:14:20,799 --> 00:14:23,480 feel so much more comfortable with your feminine You don't 276 00:14:23,519 --> 00:14:26,960 really gotta say much, girl, I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Anyways, 277 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:31,320 thanks for writing second voice no voicemail. Dear to see you. 278 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,399 He wants to parent through his girlfriend. 279 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:39,519 Speaker 6: Huh there to see you. Hey, my name is Keith 280 00:14:39,519 --> 00:14:41,480 Shun and I just need a little bit of your 281 00:14:41,519 --> 00:14:44,360 advice if you do not mind. On Mother's Day of 282 00:14:44,399 --> 00:14:46,919 twenty twenty five, I found out that I was pregnant. 283 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,759 My current boyfriend at the time told me to either 284 00:14:49,799 --> 00:14:51,840 a word the baby or give it up for adoption 285 00:14:52,039 --> 00:14:54,519 and basically say he couldn't do it anymore and left 286 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:58,720 five months within my pregnancy. I want to say I 287 00:14:58,759 --> 00:15:01,639 called to check up on him. That conversation didn't really 288 00:15:01,799 --> 00:15:04,519 go as I thought would go plan I thought we 289 00:15:04,519 --> 00:15:07,039 was going to be mature about it. He asked me, 290 00:15:07,279 --> 00:15:10,039 was I silf pregnant? I just ended a conversation, because 291 00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:12,720 what do you mean? A week later after that, his 292 00:15:12,919 --> 00:15:16,279 ex wife, which is now his girlfriend they're planning on 293 00:15:16,399 --> 00:15:19,960 working things out, is now doing all communication for him. 294 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:24,000 He rathers to do conversation through her than to speak 295 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,240 to me directly. There is a lot of unanswered questions, 296 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,240 There is a lot of unresolved issues at this moment 297 00:15:30,279 --> 00:15:32,440 in time. I just would like to know is it 298 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,440 best for me to just put him on child's board 299 00:15:34,519 --> 00:15:37,039 and just leave it at that, or go ahead with 300 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,919 co parenting through the now girlfriend, because I don't know 301 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,519 what I don't know what his thought process is on it. 302 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,679 But now he is wanting to be in the baby's 303 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,960 life and wanting to keep the baby three months on 304 00:15:48,039 --> 00:15:50,919 and three months three months off, and wants to provide 305 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,279 for the baby, but it has to be through her. 306 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:56,679 If it's not through her, then basically it's no other option. 307 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:57,879 What should I do? 308 00:15:59,039 --> 00:16:01,840 Speaker 1: Let me tell you this, This why sometimes I know 309 00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:05,639 why God didn't give me no kids, because I bitch. 310 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:09,440 What you're not gonna do is send a messenger through 311 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,759 your fake ex wife girlfriend and think you're gonna coperent 312 00:16:12,799 --> 00:16:16,399 with me after fucking lily not because see, I'm a lunatic. Once. 313 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:19,120 I always say, if my husband cheat on me and 314 00:16:19,159 --> 00:16:21,639 he go be with somebody, bitch, we're gonna be sister 315 00:16:21,679 --> 00:16:23,480 wise because it's gonna be me, you, the new wife, 316 00:16:23,519 --> 00:16:25,399 a new girlfriend, all of us in this fucking house. 317 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,200 I'm I'm not well. This is why I think God 318 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,200 has not really given me children, because I got to 319 00:16:30,279 --> 00:16:33,000 mature a little bit. What you're not gonna do is 320 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,399 send a woman to see about me and your child 321 00:16:36,759 --> 00:16:41,200 because you want to be Also, what kind of woman 322 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:45,320 are you? You know that I am pray. I don't 323 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,720 know what she told him, but I think that this 324 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:52,679 is a her thing. This is me personally. When the 325 00:16:52,799 --> 00:16:58,039 ex wife wanted to reconcile, or them reconciling, I think 326 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:02,159 that she kind of made that demand to be the one. Oh, 327 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,000 you got a baby on the way, and you cause 328 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,160 that's why he asks her, are you still pregnant? So 329 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,960 now she kind of got them by the balls because 330 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,599 he got a baby on the way while they were 331 00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:13,960 trying to reconcile. So now she like, oh, if you're 332 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,279 gonna be doing this, I gotta be doing Nigga's not 333 00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:19,000 this messy. A man is not gonna put a third 334 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,640 party woman in the middle of this. I just feel 335 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:27,440 like this is a woman's thing, and I really wish 336 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,440 that women knew at the end of the day, you 337 00:17:29,519 --> 00:17:32,359 are a woman. Baby it could easily be you. It 338 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:36,559 probably was you, and it could be you going forward. 339 00:17:36,839 --> 00:17:40,000 Why would you treat another pregnant woman like this that 340 00:17:40,039 --> 00:17:42,279 it had the baby and now you want to come 341 00:17:42,319 --> 00:17:47,920 in like the custody police, you know, Like have you 342 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,519 ever wonder like what a woman's standpoint is. It's like, 343 00:17:51,599 --> 00:17:55,279 I would never do that because his presence, even in 344 00:17:55,319 --> 00:17:58,720 the cod parents in space with arranging pickups and things 345 00:17:58,759 --> 00:18:02,039 like that, is very very important. It don't sound like 346 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,960 they got no kids together. So maybe she just like 347 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:08,359 real salty, real salty that that girl had that baby, 348 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,240 and now she wants to enforce her presence. But it's 349 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,720 the fact that he's conceding with it. You baby, you 350 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,960 you will never see your child fucking with me? 351 00:18:17,319 --> 00:18:18,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean this. 352 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,559 Speaker 4: This is definitely tough because I don't ever want to 353 00:18:21,599 --> 00:18:24,720 condone any woman having to be a single mother, because 354 00:18:24,759 --> 00:18:27,079 that shit is her. Motherhood in general, whether you have 355 00:18:27,079 --> 00:18:30,880 a supportive partner or not, is difficult. Yes, so being 356 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:34,480 a single mother I can only imagine how much more 357 00:18:34,519 --> 00:18:37,359 difficult it's going to be. So, but it seems like 358 00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:41,359 she's going to be parenting on her own regardless. It 359 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,680 doesn't seem like this man really wants as much as 360 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,640 he may say that he does now, it doesn't really. 361 00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:50,119 It's not giving that he wants to be that involved 362 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,880 with his with this child. And if he does, having 363 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:55,440 to do it through this other woman that you don't 364 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,279 even know or is not even going to stay in 365 00:18:58,319 --> 00:19:01,279 this man's life, that's a hard no for me. This 366 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:05,559 is that man's child, his ex wife now girlfriend are 367 00:19:05,559 --> 00:19:07,480 trying to get back with him. She may not even 368 00:19:07,519 --> 00:19:10,400 be around the next year or two, you know, So 369 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,039 like now, you you don't went through all these hoops 370 00:19:13,079 --> 00:19:15,880 of trying to arrange something just so that this man 371 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,799 can be with his child. Y'all need to come to 372 00:19:18,839 --> 00:19:21,599 an agreement together and if you cannot do it through 373 00:19:21,599 --> 00:19:25,319 the courts, regardless, she needs to do it through the 374 00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:29,880 courts because this man has already exposed himself and his 375 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:34,160 intentions of you know, not being the quality man that 376 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,960 her and her child deserve. So you need to get 377 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:43,279 some papers documented legally, you know what I'm saying, just 378 00:19:43,279 --> 00:19:46,440 just to cover yourself because you don't know where his 379 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:47,519 head is gonna be at. 380 00:19:47,599 --> 00:19:50,119 Speaker 1: I don't know you because you won't talk to me exactly. 381 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,799 You want to have things processed through this woman. I 382 00:19:53,839 --> 00:19:57,640 don't even know you and your true standpoint on how 383 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:00,599 you feel about this even just down to, you know, 384 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,279 things that we agree on in terms of safety, in 385 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,240 terms of what things she the baby should eat, and 386 00:20:06,279 --> 00:20:08,319 things like that. Like I don't even know nothing about 387 00:20:08,319 --> 00:20:11,759 you now because you're communicating through somebody else. And she 388 00:20:11,839 --> 00:20:14,720 said he wants to do three months on three months. 389 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:17,000 Speaker 2: Baby please baby. 390 00:20:17,039 --> 00:20:20,039 Speaker 1: I see this, I will go to jail. See this 391 00:20:20,279 --> 00:20:23,359 type of stuff. Were you trying to now give me 392 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,640 an ultimatum over a baby that you didn't want before 393 00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,160 you said put up for adoption or get an abortion, 394 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,599 and now you trying to lay down the law about 395 00:20:31,599 --> 00:20:34,319 what I'm gonna do with my child in your absence 396 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:38,160 when I've been footing this bill in your absence. No, ma'am, No, no, ma'am. 397 00:20:38,319 --> 00:20:41,759 You should take him to court, let them deal with it, 398 00:20:42,039 --> 00:20:44,119 and if he wants to be in his child's life, 399 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,319 he will. You don't owe it to this woman to 400 00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:51,400 talk to her. No, I'm telling you, he wants to 401 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,880 be with this woman. He knows that that this is 402 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,279 a gaateway. I think that the child happened in the 403 00:20:56,319 --> 00:21:00,519 middle of them, the reconciliation, and now she's she's the 404 00:21:00,559 --> 00:21:01,279 bully of the group. 405 00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:03,160 Speaker 2: Yep, agreed, that's what that is. 406 00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:05,440 Speaker 1: Take that man to court if he want to be 407 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,519 in the baby's life, if he want to have custody 408 00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:10,319 of some sort, if he want to pay to take 409 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:12,759 it through the courts. Don't let this man bully you 410 00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:16,839 into having a non court appointed mediator. Who the hell 411 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,160 is this one? She could be and she could be 412 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,119 Freddy Kruger, And I ain't trying to be funny. From 413 00:21:21,119 --> 00:21:24,039 what I gather, I don't know if they have children together, 414 00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:26,559 but I also don't know how she gonna treat my child. 415 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,400 Speaker 2: Right, that's who they're about to let that my baby 416 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:29,720 over there. 417 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:30,680 Speaker 6: See. 418 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,839 Speaker 1: This is why I'm telling you. This is why. No 419 00:21:33,839 --> 00:21:35,720 no no no no no no, take him to court 420 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,359 period voice small number three, dear to see him. He 421 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,680 cheated with a woman nothing like me. They always do. 422 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:45,880 Speaker 5: There to see you. I'm twenty two years old and 423 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:48,680 I've been with my boyfriend for about three years now. 424 00:21:48,759 --> 00:21:52,680 He's twenty seven. Recently, he cheated on me about three 425 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,440 months ago, and I decided to stay. But it's been 426 00:21:55,599 --> 00:21:58,400 very hard on me mentally. While trying to stay within 427 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,920 this relationship and fix he would get up out of 428 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,759 the bed while I was sleep in his bed to 429 00:22:03,799 --> 00:22:06,480 go see this other woman. It's caused me a lot 430 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,359 of insecurities and a lot of problems with my confidence 431 00:22:09,519 --> 00:22:12,880 due to this woman looks nothing like me. This woman 432 00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:17,119 was of another race, and it just kind of makes 433 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,319 me feel a type of way as a black woman, 434 00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:22,640 because it's kind of hard for me to understand how 435 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:28,119 he's attracted to me and also attracted to this woman 436 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:31,359 as well, and he doesn't want to talk about this situation. 437 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,400 He's bad at communication. And also he told me that 438 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,480 he was going to do something special for me after 439 00:22:37,519 --> 00:22:40,319 this situation and still to this day, I haven't seen 440 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:43,200 a romantic day. What should I do from here? 441 00:22:46,759 --> 00:22:49,359 Speaker 1: So many things before we get to the nitty gritty, 442 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,880 y'all gonna think. I just don't become a thing. I 443 00:22:55,920 --> 00:23:00,240 do not date men that have been with others. 444 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,359 Speaker 2: Racist really tell us some fuck. 445 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,880 Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck. Absolutely, if your ex was 446 00:23:08,079 --> 00:23:11,240 some like Mexican girl, or if your ex was like 447 00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:16,039 a white girl, or I just I don't. I don't 448 00:23:16,079 --> 00:23:19,640 really know. It's just me. I do not date men 449 00:23:19,799 --> 00:23:23,680 that been dipping back. And I will ask you like, oh, 450 00:23:23,839 --> 00:23:26,000 like you know one of your preferences? Who you I 451 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,640 don't know. I just want I just feel like, go 452 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:30,720 where you want to be. And I know that people like, 453 00:23:30,799 --> 00:23:33,359 oh you can be attracted. So that's just one thing. 454 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:36,920 I would feel some type of way too. It's like, what. 455 00:23:37,039 --> 00:23:38,880 Speaker 2: Who are you? 456 00:23:38,559 --> 00:23:41,799 Speaker 1: What are you? What do you like? Okay? I do 457 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:46,319 not personally date men that have dibbled and dabbled in 458 00:23:46,319 --> 00:23:51,920 the United Nations, Okay, I just to me, I don't know, 459 00:23:52,039 --> 00:23:56,599 I just never really. I just prefer black men that 460 00:23:56,920 --> 00:24:00,480 have a high preference for a black women. That's are 461 00:24:00,559 --> 00:24:04,599 you going to find other women attractive? Absolutely? But where 462 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:08,240 you want to spend your time, invest your wealth, reproduce, 463 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:15,240 spread your offspring. Okay, build a legacy. All right? Did 464 00:24:15,319 --> 00:24:20,799 you vote for Kamala because that is where I want. 465 00:24:21,079 --> 00:24:24,559 I want my person to have invested in there. Right, 466 00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:29,079 you know, look up Umar Umar wasn't Umar Johnson? 467 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:29,480 Speaker 5: Umar? 468 00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:30,319 Speaker 3: What's his name? 469 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,960 Speaker 4: I know you're talking about williamar Johnson. Right, they were 470 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,279 talking about the pacers players all day in the White Girls. 471 00:24:36,799 --> 00:24:39,359 Speaker 1: Hey look, hey, I'm with you when you're right, brother. 472 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:45,759 If you out here dibbling and dabbling, I'm cool. So anyways, 473 00:24:45,759 --> 00:24:48,799 I said all that to say, sweetheart, I completely understand 474 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:52,920 because that is confusing. It's like and he was getting 475 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:56,000 out of bed to go and be with this woman. 476 00:24:56,079 --> 00:24:59,039 So it's like, oh, you craving that, you really want that? 477 00:24:59,079 --> 00:25:01,240 I don't know something. I could see why she's messed 478 00:25:01,279 --> 00:25:05,519 up mentally because of that, because it's also somebody's totally 479 00:25:05,799 --> 00:25:11,640 opposite of her. Put a pin in that. Let me 480 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,000 tell you this, sweetheart, I'm look we did in your 481 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:18,000 face in this camera at twenty two years old. Get 482 00:25:18,039 --> 00:25:20,400 out of there, I always say, said. She buil with 483 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,640 her for two to three years, maybe three years. When 484 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:27,200 you are in your twenties. You have a two year 485 00:25:27,319 --> 00:25:29,920 maximum with a boyfriend. Hey, I'm not telling you what 486 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,440 I heard. Listen, you have a two year maximum. Please, 487 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,680 do not spend your twenties. I meet women every day. 488 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,960 I was with him from nineteen to twenty four. I 489 00:25:38,079 --> 00:25:40,720 was with him from twenty four to twenty nine. I 490 00:25:40,799 --> 00:25:44,480 was with him. No, ma'am, you gotta stick and move 491 00:25:44,559 --> 00:25:46,839 in your twenties. Okay, you need to be with somebody 492 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,880 for two years cute, it's probably not your husband, and 493 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:51,839 you keep it moving. That is one of my biggest 494 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:55,839 advice to women in their twenties. Do not spend your 495 00:25:55,880 --> 00:26:02,200 twenties going through this type of deep, deep betrayal. I 496 00:26:02,279 --> 00:26:04,640 always wonder, though, at what point in your life do 497 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:08,519 you have to learn what this is about? But sitting 498 00:26:08,559 --> 00:26:14,839 through pain and unsettlement and being uncomfortable and heartbroken, and 499 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:19,960 at twenty two for a boyfriend that she'sd on you 500 00:26:20,039 --> 00:26:24,240 with a Karen Girl bride, Please, it's really just not 501 00:26:24,319 --> 00:26:27,279 worth it. Now she's wondering how she can trust him. Also, 502 00:26:27,519 --> 00:26:31,119 I'm very big on this make up with me? How 503 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:33,759 you messed up with me? This man has not done 504 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:37,920 anything romantic afterwards, I means she does not care. He 505 00:26:38,039 --> 00:26:41,920 clearly has not tried, because some people say, well, what 506 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,000 flowers die? If you're gonna, you know, show me that 507 00:26:45,079 --> 00:26:48,920 you're sorry, Let's actually rebuild the trust. Let's be intentional, 508 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:51,519 do all of that shit and give me some fucking flowers. Okay, 509 00:26:51,759 --> 00:26:53,880 give me a gift, buy me something, take me on 510 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:57,279 a trip, do something, because how sorry are you? Are 511 00:26:57,279 --> 00:27:00,880 you really sorry or are you just no? He should 512 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,440 have done something for her. Absolutely agree, And I think 513 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:08,640 that she said that the deep insecurity and the racial comparison, 514 00:27:09,079 --> 00:27:10,759 I just gotta take this moment to say this, wee heart, 515 00:27:10,839 --> 00:27:13,079 let me say this. There's a whole bunch of things 516 00:27:13,079 --> 00:27:15,079 going on in the world. You will see a lot 517 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:19,200 of tropes about colorism, about skin complexion, about hair texture, 518 00:27:19,599 --> 00:27:22,200 about lips, about and you're gonna see a whole bunch 519 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,559 of competing shows. But I'm here to affirm you, baby 520 00:27:24,799 --> 00:27:28,319 that please do not let this make you feel any 521 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:33,839 insecurities about your blackness. Okay, we are the trendsetters. Okay, 522 00:27:34,559 --> 00:27:37,559 we are the head of the class. They all want 523 00:27:37,559 --> 00:27:39,640 to be like us, girl, all right, and so I 524 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,160 can get it because like the attraction, that's just what 525 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,519 infidelity does like the attraction is to somebody else. But 526 00:27:45,559 --> 00:27:47,799 I hope it doesn't make you doubt how attractive you 527 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:52,359 are and that there are plenty of men okay that 528 00:27:52,519 --> 00:27:55,359 love everything about you and they actually have a preference. 529 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:57,720 Speaker 4: Okay, at the end of the day, I'm a firm 530 00:27:57,759 --> 00:28:00,279 believer that you need to go where you're loved. Huh, Like, 531 00:28:00,319 --> 00:28:03,279 why would you go into a room full of men 532 00:28:03,319 --> 00:28:05,279 who don't love on you the way you like to 533 00:28:05,279 --> 00:28:05,759 be loved. 534 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,279 Speaker 2: I go where I'm loved, Okay. 535 00:28:08,039 --> 00:28:10,279 Speaker 4: I know, I like, I know, I have to agree 536 00:28:10,319 --> 00:28:13,119 with you. I've never dipped outside of black men. I 537 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,480 love black men, yes, okay, and like I've never tried 538 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:17,440 anything outside of that. 539 00:28:18,079 --> 00:28:20,319 Speaker 2: And I'm good with that because I know what I like. 540 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:23,680 Speaker 4: But also I would I would put myself in situations 541 00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,839 that the black men also loved black women. I go 542 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:30,319 where I'm loved, okay, first and foremost. And I agree 543 00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:34,359 with you, shorty, you're too young to be tripping about 544 00:28:34,359 --> 00:28:38,599 this man who let let left the bed to go 545 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:39,720 be with somebody else. 546 00:28:39,839 --> 00:28:42,400 Speaker 2: That's insane, that's insanity. 547 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:46,559 Speaker 4: Yeah, I would have walked out immediately, like immediately, Like, girl, 548 00:28:46,599 --> 00:28:49,039 you're too young, learn from this. 549 00:28:49,079 --> 00:28:51,240 Speaker 2: Situation, take it to a different situation. 550 00:28:51,759 --> 00:28:53,720 Speaker 4: Know what he did and how he did it to 551 00:28:53,799 --> 00:28:55,960 let you know that, like you can peep the signs 552 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:58,039 if that will ever happen again, and when it does, 553 00:28:58,279 --> 00:28:59,920 leave also too. 554 00:29:00,359 --> 00:29:03,599 Speaker 1: He did not. I'm this is not a blanket thing, 555 00:29:03,759 --> 00:29:06,480 just like, oh, if he cheats, leave, But look what 556 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,759 he did after the cheating. He's not he's he's not 557 00:29:09,839 --> 00:29:12,640 proving himself. He doesn't seem like he would want to 558 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:15,519 work on it, and that he's trying to get in 559 00:29:15,599 --> 00:29:19,640 your good graces because he has done barely anything after 560 00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,880 he's cheated on you. And so I don't know why 561 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:25,839 you decide to stay, but I get it and I understand. 562 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:28,640 But I'm gonna tell you this, there is nothing, absolutely 563 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,400 nothing when a man has a like strong preference for 564 00:29:31,559 --> 00:29:34,319 black women. I don't know. It's just a different type 565 00:29:34,319 --> 00:29:37,880 of love, respect, it's a different type of connection, all right, 566 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,279 So go where to love is. There's plenty of people. 567 00:29:40,319 --> 00:29:41,920 So I now, this is why I never moved to La. 568 00:29:42,079 --> 00:29:44,000 I'm tell y'all this story once on a sign, y'all. 569 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:47,680 Many of times I was in La and I have 570 00:29:47,799 --> 00:29:51,279 walked in a room full of black men in LA 571 00:29:51,519 --> 00:29:53,759 and none of them niggas even looked my way. And 572 00:29:53,799 --> 00:29:55,640 I always said, I said, let me tell you this, 573 00:29:55,799 --> 00:29:58,880 I'm not gonna go from DC to fucking LA. I'm 574 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,400 not gonna go from shuk how I go to fucking La. 575 00:30:01,599 --> 00:30:05,240 I'm not gonna go from Atlanta, Wakanda baby to fucking 576 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:07,680 La where black men are not even turned their head 577 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:09,319 but they don't even look my way. So why I 578 00:30:09,319 --> 00:30:11,359 will never spend my tax dollars in LA. I will 579 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:14,359 never live there, Okay, because I don't. I don't. I 580 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,200 go with the love is if I'm not high on 581 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,440 the tone and pole, if you not push a peep 582 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:21,720 press for me and my people and my kind of 583 00:30:21,759 --> 00:30:25,039 people that look like me, okay, uh uh uh huh. 584 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,119 Even when you find out a man's type, I don't 585 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:32,000 want to be the uh what you call let the 586 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:34,079 eyeball out. I don't want to be the one that. 587 00:30:34,079 --> 00:30:35,160 Speaker 2: Broke your your little room. 588 00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:38,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, hell yeah, they're token. If you if you was like, oh, 589 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:42,039 I like, you know, I don't know chocolate girls, and 590 00:30:42,079 --> 00:30:44,400 I'm like, well, if you say you like slim fit, 591 00:30:44,519 --> 00:30:47,960 and I'm not fucking slim or fit, Okay, I'm not 592 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,440 not your cool. I'm cool off of you. Everybody should 593 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,200 get their preference, and so this is why I don't 594 00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,240 dibble and dabble with men that be, you know, switching 595 00:30:55,279 --> 00:30:57,359 it up. But also I could see how her confidence 596 00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,559 is really broken. Please get out of their sweetheart, Do 597 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:02,559 not waste your twenties. He's probably not gonna commit to you. 598 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:06,000 I'm telling you, And again, I don't think you should 599 00:31:06,079 --> 00:31:08,160 attach it to your self worth. Let that man go 600 00:31:08,279 --> 00:31:10,279 fralic and do what he wants to do. And he 601 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:14,079 hasn't been intentional about making it work with you. That's it, 602 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:15,960 and that's all he's yet to do it. And you're 603 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,160 gonna move on and go live a happy life where 604 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,079 you're not into bed crying talk about some your confidence 605 00:31:21,119 --> 00:31:27,640 is shattered, please huh. Anyways, as digress onto our fragrant segment, 606 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,960 our bitch you smell good segment, this is are I 607 00:31:31,279 --> 00:31:34,039 just open this box, y'all, just open this box. I 608 00:31:34,079 --> 00:31:37,200 haven't even smelled in myself. They actually gifted this to me, 609 00:31:37,319 --> 00:31:42,359 so thank you to Ji. Okay, this is irresistible. I've 610 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,480 heard so many good things about this CC. We do 611 00:31:45,559 --> 00:31:49,039 not rub. We don't rub what we do Now you 612 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:55,319 just pat, but you disrupting all of the notes when 613 00:31:55,359 --> 00:31:56,000 you're rubbed. 614 00:31:56,079 --> 00:32:00,759 Speaker 2: Y'all, y'all, just don't be like me before. Let me 615 00:32:00,839 --> 00:32:01,960 see it. 616 00:32:01,279 --> 00:32:04,920 Speaker 1: Just okay, look the notes pair. I smell the pair 617 00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:11,559 off the back and bread must must mellow, soft, musky green, 618 00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:15,640 the heart rose. The heart scents are rose and iris, 619 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:20,160 and then the base is blonde or light wood. See 620 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:21,000 the wood and musk. 621 00:32:21,279 --> 00:32:23,119 Speaker 6: This really good, y'all. 622 00:32:23,279 --> 00:32:24,759 Speaker 2: This is kind of cute. 623 00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:29,720 Speaker 1: I love it, very light, blurty. This is a pretty 624 00:32:29,759 --> 00:32:32,160 girl scent. Is kind of like the bottle. It's pink too. 625 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:35,240 This is a pretty girl sent and it's also given irresistible. 626 00:32:35,839 --> 00:32:39,119 How can you resist me? Can you resist me? She 627 00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:43,119 called me? Okay, this is good. This is real cute, 628 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:45,000 and when I came out was telling Breathe that she 629 00:32:45,039 --> 00:32:47,200 would love it. I feel like this is like a 630 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:48,240 a girly girl scent. 631 00:32:48,319 --> 00:32:53,119 Speaker 4: It is hmm okay, blurty, like I just opened it today. 632 00:32:53,119 --> 00:32:54,680 Speaker 1: I'm late to the party anyhow. 633 00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:55,519 Speaker 2: I love that. 634 00:32:56,960 --> 00:33:00,119 Speaker 1: Do recommend, do recommend, I do recommend? All right. This 635 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,839 is our red flag, oh, our red flag report. This 636 00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:07,279 is so funny. Red flag report. Chest to chest hugs 637 00:33:07,319 --> 00:33:12,000 harmless or highly disrespectful. Jane Harri, is known as the 638 00:33:12,119 --> 00:33:15,640 Virgin Hair Fantasy on Instagram, recently went viral for a 639 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:20,119 TikTok clip that stirred up major conversation around marriage boundaries 640 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:23,400 and body language. In the video, Harris, who says she's 641 00:33:23,519 --> 00:33:27,160 happily she's been happily married for fifteen years, passionately tells 642 00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:32,200 women to stop hugging people's husband chest to chest. She 643 00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:36,079 argues that it's inappropriate, it lacks respect and crosses a 644 00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:39,920 boundary that women should honor. Her stands, my husband doesn't 645 00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:43,559 need a presentation, he knows the assignment. She insists that 646 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:47,759 this isn't about being controlling or insecure, It's about respect 647 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:51,640 between married people and those around them. But the Internet 648 00:33:51,799 --> 00:33:56,160 was immediately divided. Some users agreed, saying this is why 649 00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:59,640 people lose their spouses. Some users agree, saying this is 650 00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:03,599 why people lose their spouses. No boundaries. Respect is subtle 651 00:34:04,079 --> 00:34:07,079 but powerful. This is one of those moments. And another 652 00:34:07,119 --> 00:34:10,519 person said, a side hug won't kill you. Others push back, 653 00:34:10,639 --> 00:34:13,960 arguing it's just a hug. Y'all make everything weird. If 654 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:17,039 you're secure in your marriage, this wouldn't bother you. Y'all 655 00:34:17,039 --> 00:34:21,800 find a new red flag every day. Some landed in 656 00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:24,519 the middle, suggesting side hugs or no hugs, that all 657 00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:28,599 just be self aware. Red flag question is when do 658 00:34:29,639 --> 00:34:33,679 when does comfortably close turn into calculated control? And if 659 00:34:33,679 --> 00:34:37,480 you act your partner to avoid physical interactions? Is that 660 00:34:37,519 --> 00:34:41,280 about trust or about ownership? Say, as a married woman, 661 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,199 what do you think about y'all? 662 00:34:44,079 --> 00:34:44,920 Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie to you. 663 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:50,719 Speaker 4: When I first heard this, I was kind of like, well, 664 00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:52,880 that's why, Like it's just a hug, Like what's the 665 00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:53,360 big deal. 666 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:55,920 Speaker 2: But when I actually sat with it a little bit, I. 667 00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:58,760 Speaker 4: Was like, I mean, I can understand where she's coming from, 668 00:34:59,119 --> 00:35:01,599 you know, like some times hugs can be a little 669 00:35:01,639 --> 00:35:05,280 too too much, a little too flirty, and it's like 670 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:08,719 when it's like that and it's starting like make make 671 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:11,400 me be like Saga and I'm you know, very secure 672 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:14,000 in my in my relationship, sometimes it can be a 673 00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:14,719 little too much. 674 00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,880 Speaker 2: I don't I'm never gonna be like, you're my man, 675 00:35:19,079 --> 00:35:21,440 you can't. You can't help no other women. That's wild. 676 00:35:21,679 --> 00:35:24,320 Speaker 4: Like I think that, you know, a side hug is 677 00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:26,880 very appropriate, Like we love a good little side hug, 678 00:35:27,119 --> 00:35:30,159 a little church hug. Little pat pat Like I'm not 679 00:35:30,199 --> 00:35:34,199 mad at that, but I'm also like I'm not gonna 680 00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:40,239 dictate like women can't like hug, you know, like ches hug. 681 00:35:40,280 --> 00:35:43,079 I just I think like there are boundaries to it, 682 00:35:43,199 --> 00:35:45,760 and that I want to like emphasize that there are 683 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:46,599 boundaries to it. 684 00:35:46,599 --> 00:35:47,719 Speaker 2: It shouldn't be too close. 685 00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:49,760 Speaker 4: I need a little bit of gap in between the 686 00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:52,480 pelvic area, you know what I'm saying. But like, I 687 00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:54,960 don't know, I don't want. I don't think that I'm 688 00:35:55,000 --> 00:36:00,119 gonna think too deeply into that if it's if it's 689 00:36:00,199 --> 00:36:04,239 obviously like too close and too intimate, then we have 690 00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:04,880 a problem. 691 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:07,599 Speaker 2: But like I don't know a chest to chest hug, 692 00:36:07,639 --> 00:36:09,280 Like I don't know. 693 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:12,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I think I'm with you when you're right, 694 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:15,960 and I feel the same kind of way. I think 695 00:36:16,119 --> 00:36:20,039 that some of the hugs can be a little too 696 00:36:20,159 --> 00:36:25,599 much in those But I also feel that I don't know, 697 00:36:25,639 --> 00:36:27,360 I got so much faith in this man that I 698 00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:31,199 don't have. But I just feel like my man, he 699 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:33,960 don't know what to do, okay, Like he's gonna know 700 00:36:34,519 --> 00:36:36,840 when to break that hug up a little bit. He's 701 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,639 gonna know when that relationship is just a little to 702 00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:43,440 when we're out okay together, and this is some coworker 703 00:36:43,519 --> 00:36:47,480 or childhood friend or some type of you know, girl 704 00:36:47,519 --> 00:36:49,559 you used to talk to or date or somebody you 705 00:36:49,599 --> 00:36:53,039 had a situation, you gonna know when to like break 706 00:36:53,079 --> 00:36:54,880 that up and kind of be appropriate to. I just 707 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:57,719 feel like I'm gonna follow his league. I think that again, 708 00:36:57,760 --> 00:37:00,559 this man that I don't have yet, he will always 709 00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:02,880 honor me and respect me. He would never want to 710 00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:05,639 embarrass me or humiliate me in public. And so I'm 711 00:37:05,679 --> 00:37:07,559 gonna just follow my man league. If he give that 712 00:37:07,599 --> 00:37:10,440 girl a hug, I know that it's completely platonic, okay, 713 00:37:10,519 --> 00:37:14,159 so if he give her. Also, I have great guy 714 00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:17,960 friends now that they're getting chest to chest hugs, and 715 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:20,679 I firmly believe that if they got married, they would 716 00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:22,840 still give me a chest to chest hug. As if 717 00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:25,239 they didn't, I think I would feel sad about that. 718 00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:26,119 Speaker 2: One hundred percent. 719 00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:28,920 Speaker 4: And like when I like sat back and thought about it, 720 00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:30,920 I was like, shoot, Like when I came in here today, 721 00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:32,039 I gave Drake. 722 00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:32,760 Speaker 2: A chest to chest hug. 723 00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:35,360 Speaker 4: Dre's like a brother to me, and it's like it 724 00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:39,039 was like nothing weird. It was not inappropriate, like so 725 00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:43,440 I'm definitely not against it. However, I do agree it's 726 00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:46,800 the man and the woman should be able to take 727 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,039 the lead because when I give other men hugs, I'm 728 00:37:49,039 --> 00:37:52,199 not never gonna be too appropriate or like linger too long. 729 00:37:52,519 --> 00:37:55,079 Like you have to know your boundaries, and if you 730 00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:57,800 are comfortable with in your relationship, and you were secure 731 00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,800 in your relationship and you and your man had that connectivity, 732 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:04,000 you all have that communication about And I think that 733 00:38:04,039 --> 00:38:07,239 this should be talked about early on, about opposite sex 734 00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:09,320 friends and stuff like that, because we had to discuss 735 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:13,679 it because my husband has a lot of female friends. 736 00:38:14,199 --> 00:38:17,800 You know, I think he knows the boundaries, and the 737 00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:19,760 boundaries are set, and he knows when to kind of 738 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,639 be like, all right, well, it was nice to see you, 739 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,000 Like he knows when to back away. 740 00:38:23,559 --> 00:38:26,280 Speaker 1: But I think too, we have gotten so much in 741 00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:31,800 this gender war thing. Male and female friendship is so good. 742 00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:38,760 And I remember having trauma from being sexualized very young 743 00:38:39,119 --> 00:38:42,280 that I never was friends with men because I always 744 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:45,360 thought they wanted something from me. And so I got 745 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:50,880 older and I actually had platonic male friendships. I'm like, yo, 746 00:38:51,079 --> 00:38:54,400 this my dog, Like this man that had my back. 747 00:38:54,400 --> 00:38:57,400 He then helps me out. He cares about my well being. 748 00:38:57,519 --> 00:38:59,719 It's not no, he my brother, but I was rolling 749 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,199 around with him. It's not we still flirting. This is 750 00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:07,159 like true friendship and you cannot get that from a woman. 751 00:39:07,559 --> 00:39:13,239 Like male and female friendship is very needed. I agree, 752 00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:17,119 it's very needed. And so I want to hug my friends. 753 00:39:17,159 --> 00:39:19,679 Like even in my homeboys that got married, they would 754 00:39:19,719 --> 00:39:24,199 still give me a good hug, a good hug. Agreed, Yeah, agreed, hmm. 755 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:30,159 I think I think it's I think a siege is. 756 00:39:31,679 --> 00:39:34,000 I don't think a woman will be insecure by feeling 757 00:39:34,039 --> 00:39:37,000 some type of way about it. But I also think 758 00:39:37,159 --> 00:39:39,639 you know who your husband is. 759 00:39:40,119 --> 00:39:40,920 Speaker 2: And also. 760 00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:44,519 Speaker 4: The I think the only thing that could you know, 761 00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:49,000 kind of sew some seeds of insecurity is if he 762 00:39:50,039 --> 00:39:53,599 is not abiding by the boundaries that you all set, 763 00:39:53,719 --> 00:39:56,480 like or if like there's like this one specific chick 764 00:39:56,519 --> 00:39:59,480 whenever y'all see her, she's a little she's always too inappropriate, 765 00:39:59,519 --> 00:40:03,559 and he's never like right yo, kind of shutting that down. 766 00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:06,719 Then you can be like, what's what's going on here? 767 00:40:07,079 --> 00:40:09,719 But like if it's just if that's just how you 768 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:13,199 guys carry your friendships, you know, and you guys are 769 00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:16,280 huggers like so bad, Like I'm a hugger, I'm a 770 00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:17,119 humber friends. 771 00:40:17,239 --> 00:40:20,039 Speaker 1: I also think it's important like where you put certain 772 00:40:20,559 --> 00:40:22,760 in your relationship, in what category you. 773 00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:23,239 Speaker 2: Put them in? 774 00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:29,079 Speaker 1: Sign not when women are like, don't like size matter 775 00:40:29,159 --> 00:40:31,639 to me? Anybody knows, No, I'm team size doesn't matter. 776 00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:34,400 But there are women that make this like such a 777 00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:36,480 big deal. And I'm like, you know that you only 778 00:40:36,519 --> 00:40:39,679 have sex like ten percent of your relationship can but like, 779 00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:41,719 this is my thing. You're only gonna be hugging these 780 00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:45,960 women five percent of the time that we out and 781 00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:47,440 we happen to be you know what I'm saying. So 782 00:40:47,519 --> 00:40:49,760 it's like, what is the big thing? I think it 783 00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:52,440 has to be wayed, Like there are certain things are 784 00:40:52,519 --> 00:40:55,800 just are not happening frequently enough that I'm gonna put 785 00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:59,400 that much thought exactly and pressure on it. Like, yeah, 786 00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:03,199 we may be in a social gathering maybe once a month. 787 00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,559 Speaker 2: Right, it's not, it's. 788 00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:07,280 Speaker 1: Not that serious. 789 00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:07,679 Speaker 2: It's not. 790 00:41:08,039 --> 00:41:10,199 Speaker 1: You don't have sex with your husband, not often, y'all 791 00:41:10,199 --> 00:41:11,800 believe it, or not even for y'all to think y'all 792 00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:16,480 pretty active, right, sex is probably twenty percent on a 793 00:41:16,519 --> 00:41:17,800 good on a good day. 794 00:41:17,679 --> 00:41:21,679 Speaker 4: Okay, there's there's so many different ways. Yes, levels of 795 00:41:22,000 --> 00:41:25,800 intimacy that are not just physical, that happened in relationship like. 796 00:41:26,119 --> 00:41:29,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, you're right, Yeah, it's not that often. So you know, 797 00:41:30,079 --> 00:41:32,519 maybe if size didn't matter, you would have a lot 798 00:41:32,599 --> 00:41:36,519 more options. You know, it's not you know, you don't 799 00:41:36,599 --> 00:41:38,719 be doing it as month as you really think you are. 800 00:41:38,840 --> 00:42:02,039 You're not anyhow, They're saying, y'all, thanks for joining us.