Speaker 1: One of my sisters. She was going through a really
Speaker 1: hard time in school. They kicked her out. She was
Speaker 1: eighth grade. I'm telling you, I have no idea why
Speaker 1: they sent her out. The rest of us were still
Speaker 1: in there, and my mother tried all the other schools
Speaker 1: from that extreme to that extreme. Even at one point
Speaker 1: there was no school of Munsey that would take her,
Speaker 1: not a single one who tried out.
Speaker 2: Lakewood or New Jersey. And they also refused. One of
Speaker 2: them said, we refuse to save the Nashamas of Munsey.
Speaker 1: Why do you.
Speaker 3: Think a community that is supposed to be so good
Speaker 3: about Hasid and charity didn't come through for her.
Speaker 1: The community is great with Hay said, when it comes
Speaker 1: to physically sick people, cancer patients, if anybody cannot have children,
Speaker 1: if anybody that doesn't have any money, Out of all
Speaker 1: my personal experience from mine and my siblings, there's no
Speaker 1: organization that helps for not that I've heard of, that
Speaker 1: offer to try to get her into a school, try
Speaker 1: to fight on her behalf.
Speaker 3: Hello everyone, my name is Peter Bazel and I'm in
Speaker 3: New York City, Brooklyn based juice YouTuber with an interest
Speaker 3: in all things Jewish subcultures religion, New York City, and
Speaker 3: human interest stories. Today, I'm delighted to interview Pessi from
Speaker 3: the Instagram account pess I'm stressing Pessi Gay notoriety for
Speaker 3: creating funny spoofs in Yiddish on Instagram, for instance, spoofing
Speaker 3: the experience of shy young girls getting fitted for bras
Speaker 3: by matronly no nonsense Asiitic ladies, and other funny spoofs
Speaker 3: that many of us can relate to. I heard from
Speaker 3: so many of you wanted to hear Pessi's story, and
Speaker 3: I'm so glad that she agreed to speak with me today.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Pesse for being here, Thank.
Speaker 1: You for having me.
Speaker 3: How are you doing good?
Speaker 1: Doing good?
Speaker 3: We want to get to know you and your story.
Speaker 3: Do you mind if we start by I'll ask you
Speaker 3: where you were raised and how old you are.
Speaker 1: I was born and raised in Monsey, New York, and
Speaker 1: I'm twenty two.
Speaker 3: You're twenty two, and you're a mother.
Speaker 1: I'm a mother.
Speaker 3: How old is your daughter?
Speaker 1: She is earning three end of July, so she's two
Speaker 1: and a half. I had her when I was nineteen
Speaker 1: and a.
Speaker 3: Half and right now you're a student in college.
Speaker 1: Yeah, do you still live in month See, yeah, around
Speaker 1: like Rockland County, but still here near my family. Sweet.
Speaker 3: I lived in Rockland County as a single mother for
Speaker 3: many years. It was a sweet place to raise a kid.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, did you grow up speaking Yiddish my school?
Speaker 1: We spoke Yidish in school between our friends, which is
Speaker 1: not that common as you might think. Not my speaks
Speaker 1: to theater's business speaks theatersh but all the rest of
Speaker 1: the schools don't really speak Eidish between friends. We did
Speaker 1: at home. We spoke Yiddish till I was fifteen years old.
Speaker 1: And at that point, somehow like our family went through
Speaker 1: some changes and we all started speaking English more or less.
Speaker 2: I have two little brothers and were still speak English
Speaker 2: to them.
Speaker 1: How many kids are you?
Speaker 2: We're seven, I'm the oldest, you're the oldest.
Speaker 1: Five girls. Interesting, So that's fine.
Speaker 3: Five girls in a row and then two boys. Would
Speaker 3: you say that you spoke more English at home because
Speaker 3: you were so many girls?
Speaker 1: No, again, we switched over to English a lot later.
Speaker 1: So in the beginning, when I was younger, we all
Speaker 1: spoke Yiddish. But then yeah, our father was speak Yiddish.
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's very mixed. It's more like we
Speaker 1: started reading in English and watching videos in English. It's
Speaker 1: more about being able to express ourselves better in English.
Speaker 3: I get that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, which so quickly through languages that I don't even
Speaker 1: I don't realize have the time, what language I'm speaking,
Speaker 1: even to my father would be speaking English switching over
Speaker 1: to Yiddish. I don't even know, not a. It's very
Speaker 1: fluid for me.
Speaker 3: Also, yeah, yeah, my daughter, but it's definitely your daughter too,
Speaker 3: she's fluent in Yiddish. Yeah, love that. So can you
Speaker 3: tell me what kind of hasidas you were associated with
Speaker 3: as young kids?
Speaker 2: No, because it's associated that any I see.
Speaker 3: So what we were Where were you on the What
Speaker 3: school did you go to when you were very young?
Speaker 1: I think it was to monthly school private. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: it started off as being under Nicholsburg. It was called Plasmel.
Speaker 1: Then when I was sixth grade, I don't even know
Speaker 1: what happened. I just remember there were cops and a
Speaker 1: whole protests outside of building. It kind of split politics.
Speaker 3: Wow, that sounds fun.
Speaker 1: And after that we switched schools. We moved out of
Speaker 1: our building in the trailers. But yeah, switch switched the
Speaker 1: name switched and everything.
Speaker 3: Did your family not feel affiliated with Hasidis? Did they
Speaker 3: just see themselves.
Speaker 1: As we were fully Hasidish? But my grandfather was like
Speaker 1: he never officially had on debt, but he had a
Speaker 1: lot of different ones. He loved debs in general, he
Speaker 1: went for brooks and everything, but he never was connected
Speaker 1: to one.
Speaker 2: My father, his personal was this rash coil at Heel Tower.
Speaker 1: They were very close, very very close, so he asked
Speaker 1: him everything, moving job, everything. Then he passed away and
Speaker 1: his son took over, and then his son passed away,
Speaker 1: and it's very hard for my father to get used
Speaker 1: to somebody new after that felt it. We felt the
Speaker 1: lack of a hasidisen but in our life we did
Speaker 1: use kids. But I have to have a feeling to
Speaker 1: where you are and I guess my father can't find.
Speaker 1: But we were fully Hasidish, like all the all the
Speaker 1: Hasidish Manhogean and levision and the way we went about everything.
Speaker 1: We weren't part of a specific We never I was
Speaker 1: never at a tissue even no, no.
Speaker 3: You didn't go to squid or none of the groups
Speaker 3: to interesting. How would you describe your early childhood? Was
Speaker 3: it very sheltered?
Speaker 1: Yeah, very sheltered.
Speaker 3: What was it like to be the oldest.
Speaker 2: I don't want to say guinea pick because I love
Speaker 2: my parents.
Speaker 1: It's like every oldest. I mean, it was the responsibility,
Speaker 1: a lot of responsibility. It's kind of like carrying the
Speaker 1: family on my back. That was I'm going to falk
Speaker 1: from my own personal experience. I felt like the mood
Speaker 1: in the house depended on me. So I was I
Speaker 1: felt like I can't fully express myself. Not anybody's fault,
Speaker 1: just my own, like I needed to make sure that
Speaker 1: everybody's happy, everybody's okay, and if any of the kids
Speaker 1: were making problems, you know, I tried to step in.
Speaker 1: I love my role. I take it very seriously. I'm
Speaker 1: very protective by nature, still still now.
Speaker 3: And that's probably why you feel so at home with
Speaker 3: nursing right as your future career.
Speaker 1: Probably I want to be that person that people you
Speaker 1: know depend on to be that sturdy Yeah.
Speaker 3: Can I ask what your relationship with your parents was
Speaker 3: like when you were young.
Speaker 1: When I was young, things definitely changed. Our family changed
Speaker 1: in general. So when I was young, I think it
Speaker 1: was regular relationship that anybody has with parents. My mother
Speaker 1: was a stay at home mother. My father wasn't coddled
Speaker 1: until I was I think fourteen years old. We were close.
Speaker 1: It's my problem, like I didn't open up fully. But
Speaker 1: I have a lot of the same things, Like I
Speaker 1: take a lot of qualities from them. For example, my father,
Speaker 1: he loves learning new things, he loves history, he loves nature,
Speaker 1: he loves animals, all these things. I see myself like that.
Speaker 2: So we kind of bonded through that interests.
Speaker 1: That's what my father. We have very philosophical discussions and
Speaker 1: the pepert. My mother was always very She's like the
Speaker 1: she carries a lot of our family, so we depend
Speaker 1: on her a lot. So she was the one who
Speaker 1: would get us, you know, school supplies and things like that.
Speaker 1: But the one I would talk to more was my father.
Speaker 1: The one I depend more was my mother.
Speaker 3: Would you say your childhood was difficult or happy or both?
Speaker 3: What would you How would you describe it?
Speaker 1: It was? I think it was a regular, great childhood.
Speaker 1: We had a lot of space to express ourselves our family.
Speaker 1: We made crazy things we would build in our house,
Speaker 1: Like we take all the blankets and towels and sheets
Speaker 1: and make mazes and amusement parks. And I don't know
Speaker 1: what we made mock weddings and camps and all of
Speaker 1: it in one job this afternoon.
Speaker 3: Obviously, you and your sisters, your younger sisters. Are you
Speaker 3: still close to them?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Very close to each other? Yeah, very sweet.
Speaker 3: So can I ask what happened later that your family
Speaker 3: became less Harasidish?
Speaker 1: Sure? First of all, we didn't become less Hastietish. We
Speaker 1: just came out a little bit of the box we
Speaker 1: were grown into. So we're still fully Hasidish. But we
Speaker 1: started watching the DVD's a little later.
Speaker 3: When you were really young, there were no movies, no demais,
Speaker 3: but that Slava Yeah, very hardcore. Yeah. Then it became
Speaker 3: wece Mandel, Lucky Laffy Taffy's. You could have Laughy Taffy's.
Speaker 2: Still not the jawel breaker one.
Speaker 3: You remember the fireball.
Speaker 1: It's like a black licorice sid category yea horrible an
Speaker 1: acchoir case.
Speaker 3: It burnt, it was so hot, no point, no point.
Speaker 3: So what happened? Who started to introduce things into your
Speaker 3: home that were more open.
Speaker 1: So one of my sisters, she was going through really
Speaker 1: hard time in school. Basically one of the principles decided
Speaker 1: that she was too I don't know how to explain it.
Speaker 1: Like there was a whole group in the class that
Speaker 1: didn't like the principal, and they made like a club,
Speaker 1: like we ate the principal. Club.
Speaker 2: Principal decided that my sister is the ahead of it.
Speaker 1: To make a long story short, she called her in
Speaker 1: the office and kept saying negative things to her.
Speaker 2: But kept telling her like, maybe you need help.
Speaker 1: And she sent them to some rabbi who liked that rabbi.
Speaker 1: He's a great rabbi, but for the people that really
Speaker 1: really needed him.
Speaker 2: So kind of that opened her up a little bit
Speaker 2: more to the world.
Speaker 1: At one point, they kicked her out. She was eighth grade.
Speaker 1: The principal wanted to the classroom and said that somebody
Speaker 1: here is like Amuli, Like keeled up the rest of
Speaker 1: the class, and the next day she was out. And
Speaker 1: you were the older sister and all of the older
Speaker 1: sister in high school, and yeah, knowing that everybody is
Speaker 1: looking at me, but I had great classmates, great friends, well,
Speaker 1: so I knew what was going on at home. She
Speaker 1: wasn't acting her best. She was really sad all the time.
Speaker 1: She was really angry all the time. It was more
Speaker 1: like that fear of we don't know what's going to be,
Speaker 1: And at one point she said she wants to be
Speaker 1: school out of town. We still wanted to keep her
Speaker 1: here because she was so young, she was twelve thirteen
Speaker 1: years old at that point. We wanted to make it
Speaker 1: easier for us, So my parents started becoming a little
Speaker 1: bit more lenient with her. But automatically O kids see
Speaker 1: almost say like, it's not fair. Why could she see
Speaker 1: this or do this? It was more like she watched
Speaker 1: Shirley Temple like one of them. So I guess that's
Speaker 1: where it started. Of course, it wasn't like a deep change,
Speaker 1: but it started more. Our whole family became more Yeah,
Speaker 1: and but firching for school? Should I even get into
Speaker 1: that whole thing?
Speaker 3: If you're comfortable talking about it, for sure, you can
Speaker 3: talk about it, okay, especially how it affected you with
Speaker 3: your younger sister. Going through such a difficult challenge in
Speaker 3: the from world, if you get kicked out of a
Speaker 3: school has especially repercussions because it can be really hard
Speaker 3: to find a new one, right, not only really hard, impossible,
Speaker 3: it's impossible because they won't accept you.
Speaker 1: And she was still fully fully religious, keeping everything like
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I have no idea why they sent
Speaker 1: her out. The rest of us were still in there,
Speaker 1: and my mother tried all the other schools from that
Speaker 1: extreme to that extreme. Even at one point there was
Speaker 1: no school of Munthy that would take her, not a
Speaker 1: single one. And so we try like out like Lakewood
Speaker 1: or New Jersey, and they also refused. One of them said,
Speaker 1: we refuse to save the Nashamas of Munsey. Wow.
Speaker 3: Yeah, how do you feel when you think back to it.
Speaker 1: At that time? I feel like, right now everything is
Speaker 1: coming up, the resentment, the rejection, the betrayal, the you know,
Speaker 1: how can they do this? We're Jewish, we need your help.
Speaker 1: We went to many other people and we need people
Speaker 1: to a sponsor to try to get her back into
Speaker 1: the school, and the prince was like, it's either me
Speaker 1: or her. She didn't even want to negotiate, and we
Speaker 1: went from person to person to person. Most of them
Speaker 1: charged money after like forty five minutes at like times off,
Speaker 1: I don't care do anything. Nobody did anything, and it
Speaker 1: just felt very It felt helpless. It felt like there
Speaker 1: was nobody out there that is going to help us.
Speaker 1: And we were on that journey where it was getting
Speaker 1: really really scary. We didn't know what the future is
Speaker 1: going to be going to bring. And then the house
Speaker 1: started becoming so different. It was a lot more tense,
Speaker 1: a lot more walking on eggshells around everybody, a lot
Speaker 1: more like the rest of the kids were kind of
Speaker 1: being pushed aside and the whole focus wasn't hers. So
Speaker 1: I my role was to take care of the other kids,
Speaker 1: and it was it was becoming like a real division.
Speaker 1: Because she wanted to go out of the state. First
Speaker 1: of my mother said like, no, absolutely, now, we're not
Speaker 1: sending you out of the state. We want we wanted
Speaker 1: her around, wanted her home as she was so young,
Speaker 1: but nobody was taking her. So we found school in Cincinnati, Ohio.
Speaker 1: So she went there in ninth grade, and it was
Speaker 1: really difficult because she's also very connected to her family.
Speaker 1: She was very homesick. It was very high level school
Speaker 1: and they weren't see this. It's very hard to connect
Speaker 1: to people that are not not from where you grew up.
Speaker 1: It's a different mentality, different way of thinking. She was
Speaker 1: not too happy over there, nothing to do with the school,
Speaker 1: it's just her home. She was already feeling so, you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: being sent out of one school, being rejected like I
Speaker 1: can't even imagine the pain of it. I never felt
Speaker 1: like that, but I felt rejection. I felt an outcast
Speaker 1: enough to know it. Oh what must go through somebody's
Speaker 1: head when they feel like the whole school just thought
Speaker 1: I can And the school that sent her out didn't
Speaker 1: even check back to see if she's okay, didn't check
Speaker 1: back to see maybe they can do something to find
Speaker 1: a different school, nothing like as if turned back completely.
Speaker 1: So then it was COVID and my sister came back
Speaker 1: from Cincinnati and afterwards they said like she shouldn't come back.
Speaker 1: So that was it. Then for the next year she
Speaker 1: started working. A lady hired her not to do just
Speaker 1: a little filing and that was that was amazing.
Speaker 2: Have many people, but those people that helped.
Speaker 1: Out, we remember, Yeah.
Speaker 3: Why do you think a community that is supposed to
Speaker 3: be so good about HASID and charity didn't come through
Speaker 3: for her.
Speaker 1: I don't want to say this without sounding too hateful,
Speaker 1: but the community is great with HASTID when it comes
Speaker 1: to physically sick people, cancer patients, if anybody cannot have children,
Speaker 1: if anybody that doesn't have any money. Out of all
Speaker 1: my personal experience from mine and my siblings. Nobody, there's
Speaker 1: no organization that helps for and not that I've heard
Speaker 1: of that offer it to try to get her into
Speaker 1: a school, try to fight on her behalf, try to
Speaker 1: fund different schools. The schools out of townhart so expensive.
Speaker 1: Nobody even to be home with us. It's like it's
Speaker 1: almost like having a sick sibling with parents that are
Speaker 1: not home all the time, just.
Speaker 2: Like is sick physically and the parents have to be
Speaker 2: out and running.
Speaker 1: We had that too. We were little kids along and
Speaker 1: there was nobody and only there was nobody. But there
Speaker 1: was the shame too. There's the blame. I've had friends
Speaker 1: dropping me because of her. We've all had neighbors. Little
Speaker 1: kids started like telling my brothers things like I saw
Speaker 1: your sister doing this, and so you sister doing that.
Speaker 1: So it's not only that they don't help, but you
Speaker 1: had that shame and the blame. Now they're getting better
Speaker 1: at it, but back then, it was a long time
Speaker 1: ago and it was like, oh, this person has a sister.
Speaker 1: That's like it was very embarrassing. What happened in your
Speaker 1: own life?
Speaker 3: Did you still get married in a regular marriage, like
Speaker 3: all of your friends in an arranged marriage.
Speaker 1: But that was that was later.
Speaker 2: First Josh went to another school and got sent out
Speaker 2: all these things.
Speaker 1: So where was I? And all this time I was
Speaker 1: still very like my way of dealing with it was
Speaker 1: going the opposite extreame becoming very religious like I would.
Speaker 1: I would read all kinds of like living a moona
Speaker 1: books like I tried to really like soak everything in
Speaker 1: to the to the opposite extreme. And yeah, so in
Speaker 1: school did it help Did it help you cold for
Speaker 1: the time? Yes, yes, it's kind of It's almost like
Speaker 1: a drug. Religion could be a drug. You can become
Speaker 1: so obsessed with it because you feel you feel.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So what you became fromer than the whole family?
Speaker 3: Did you boss others around with your like, don't do that?
Speaker 1: Never, No, I just became very like very from you know,
Speaker 1: very into yihud and very into I don't even remember
Speaker 1: what I would. It's more an internal thing like I would,
Speaker 1: you know, like how seminary girls thakha every second word
Speaker 1: that was me when I was I was in twelfth
Speaker 1: grade and I was completely but you know it was
Speaker 1: necessary for that time, Like I don't blame myself for
Speaker 1: doing that, because things at home were going so so
Speaker 1: wrong that like it was it was. It was so tough,
Speaker 1: and I needed to have something else to focus on
Speaker 1: other than what was going on.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, did you feel like Hasham is on your
Speaker 3: side or your sister's side.
Speaker 1: I guess I didn't let myself think about it. I
Speaker 1: just I thought about in a very logical perspective. I
Speaker 1: grew up thinking like this, I am going to do
Speaker 1: x y Z because that what was. That's what was tolt.
Speaker 1: That's good, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: They totally like, do x y Z and you're gonna
Speaker 2: be closer to Ssham.
Speaker 1: So I did that. I spoke to him, I would
Speaker 1: thank him. But it was always like out of out
Speaker 1: of fear, definitely not out of love. It was always like, okay,
Speaker 1: you know what, I know my family is doing certain things.
Speaker 1: Look at me.
Speaker 2: I'm good, So do good for the rest of the
Speaker 2: family because I'm good.
Speaker 1: That was kind of how I did everything. It's like,
Speaker 1: look like, I'm gonna gonna thank you. I'm gonna, you know,
Speaker 1: thank you out loud, and don't mind that my siblings don't.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't go.
Speaker 3: You know, it sounds I think a lot of people
Speaker 3: who will listen to this will be able to relate
Speaker 3: to a teenage experience where something goes awry and it's
Speaker 3: very painful and isolating. As you know, the a family
Speaker 3: that was wholesome starts to like unravel because something happened.
Speaker 3: Did you have like a confidant who you could talk
Speaker 3: to or how did you besides for your faith, how
Speaker 3: did you emotionally get through it?
Speaker 1: I had a therapist at that time, but I was
Speaker 1: so embarrassed that I didn't even tell her about these
Speaker 1: things that was going on. Years later, like remember telling her,
Speaker 1: you know this has been going on blessed two years ago,
Speaker 1: and she looked at me, like, didn't you say anything.
Speaker 1: In high school, I had a teacher that I spoke to,
Speaker 1: but I was I was rewarded a lot for being
Speaker 1: more from than everything, So that kind of fed that.
Speaker 1: It's more about that. It was more like they were
Speaker 1: giving me physics.
Speaker 2: To keep doing what I'm doing even.
Speaker 1: While everything else is just so. It was never about
Speaker 1: my emotions, but it was more like look at you.
Speaker 1: You know you're keeping strong. You're so connected to as
Speaker 1: anybody else in your shoes would have broken, but you
Speaker 1: are still so keep.
Speaker 3: Going, how do you feel saying it now?
Speaker 1: It's what I needed then, Yeah, you have to have.
Speaker 3: A tremendous amount of kindness and compassion when you looked
Speaker 3: back to what you needed.
Speaker 1: It's nobody good for me to think time I needed
Speaker 1: somebody to say, you know, just just be yourself. You
Speaker 1: can be angry. You don't have to.
Speaker 2: Be perfect, like nothing's going to happen.
Speaker 1: I have a lot of pentaps up there book exactly.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like I can hear the pain in
Speaker 3: your voice, and I think a part of it is
Speaker 3: when you, yourself are targeted as the bad kid. I think
Speaker 3: it's easier to roll with it because it's very hard
Speaker 3: to watch someone you feel is being like wrongly maligned.
Speaker 3: I think that the emotions could develop so much stronger
Speaker 3: when it's not.
Speaker 1: You, because I wasn't the only it wasn't happening to me,
Speaker 1: so I was on the side absorbing her pain, my
Speaker 1: parents' pain, my siblings pain.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: At one point, like before she went away to Cincinnati,
Speaker 1: she was so close to my little brother and then
Speaker 1: she went away. He was only two years old, and
Speaker 1: from them, whenever anybody was about to leave the room
Speaker 1: or leave the house, he come running and ask if
Speaker 1: we're going to come back, so.
Speaker 3: That you know, yeah, yeah, sweetie, So you're you were
Speaker 3: married in the Faidous system.
Speaker 1: Yes, So I was in a very very very very good,
Speaker 1: another very ouldtrurals school and they for high school, the
Speaker 1: whole school from nursery to the same school that my
Speaker 1: likena more than it's like the ones that summer is
Speaker 1: too not from enough for me. You came here.
Speaker 3: Why did your parents pick such an extreme school?
Speaker 1: Okay, it wasn't as Sila, a lot more extreme later
Speaker 1: different principles different or different. It changed over the years,
Speaker 1: I'll say the parent body changed.
Speaker 3: To so school changed. Essentially stayed.
Speaker 1: We stayed because my parents didn't think uprooting me from
Speaker 1: my friends is a good idea. And at that point
Speaker 1: I had already from that the last year. So I
Speaker 1: took everything that I taught us. So when did they
Speaker 1: teach us? They taught us exactly what you need to
Speaker 1: do as a wife, as I just Chile, you know,
Speaker 1: you have to be there for your husband. You need
Speaker 1: to accept his love too, because if not, it's like
Speaker 1: a coup that has a whole. You know, he's going
Speaker 1: to give you and you don't accept his and you
Speaker 1: know his happiness if you are you know. The story
Speaker 1: was like Kreiak's wife versus uh, what's his name? The
Speaker 1: other one, it's a kudak's wife evinced him to sin
Speaker 1: and then the other one distracted him and put him no.
Speaker 3: I don't know, but that's the wife. You should be.
Speaker 1: Yes, like you can. It's your responsibility, meaning you can.
Speaker 1: It's on you whether he sins or not. In other words,
Speaker 1: not that it's on you, but like you have the
Speaker 1: power to make him good, like like they always need
Speaker 1: fixing men.
Speaker 3: Why it's a great way to go through life, and
Speaker 3: you can.
Speaker 1: They were always saying this this mushal that there's the
Speaker 1: Usha and the tatak, and the Tatak had a wife
Speaker 1: like adusha wife, and the Adusha had atotic wife. And
Speaker 1: then once they both divorced and they married each other,
Speaker 1: and the tadig became a duca because his wife became Usa,
Speaker 1: and the Ua became asada because the wife was Basically
Speaker 1: it depended on the wife whether they were good.
Speaker 3: The wife determined okay, So alusha is an evil person
Speaker 3: and a tadek is a sage, a saintly person, and
Speaker 3: it all comes down to the woman behind the man.
Speaker 1: Here's the bread, she's the water. You are going to
Speaker 1: take up the space. Shake it a kind of behavior,
Speaker 1: a fee. You know, all these things like shake it
Speaker 1: it basically means that looks mean nothing. Everything is yeah,
Speaker 1: And I really I'm a person that learns and takes
Speaker 1: everything in. Everything. In all my childhood, I've been taking
Speaker 1: things in. Like we learned in the second grade that
Speaker 1: if you don't have kavuna when you dive in, then
Speaker 1: it's like a gift without ama. And every time I
Speaker 1: finished davening, I knew I didn't think of the touch.
Speaker 1: I knew this is just going to stay here like
Speaker 1: the past.
Speaker 3: No, I remember we also a gift without anima is
Speaker 3: meaning it's a body without a soul. We learned something
Speaker 3: similar that if you do a mitzvah without doing get
Speaker 3: one hundred percent, never did you create an No, you
Speaker 3: create an angel. So every mitzvah, every good deed, creates
Speaker 3: an angel. But if you don't do it properly, Let's
Speaker 3: say you dabvin but you're not wearing proper sockings. The
Speaker 3: angel informed, yeah, I know, and then it was so sad.
Speaker 2: He learned that if you do it, it's fun that
Speaker 2: you regret it.
Speaker 1: It's like you never did it. Like let's say, if
Speaker 1: you borrow a book for a friend and you regret
Speaker 1: giving it to her, then it's like you never you
Speaker 1: never lent it. Okay, walk with me, and it's still
Speaker 1: like even right now, I'm scared to say it.
Speaker 2: Did you ever learn that if you ask why, you're
Speaker 2: gonna die?
Speaker 1: No, It's like if you ask God, why is this
Speaker 1: happening to me, He's gonna say why you're asking what
Speaker 1: come up? I'll show you why. I was like, no,
Speaker 1: I don't want.
Speaker 3: To really, that's so funny. I thought Jews are like
Speaker 3: why me?
Speaker 1: So at one point, I remember like I was going
Speaker 1: to sleep, and in my mind I had a really
Speaker 1: bad day, and I was like, why is this happening
Speaker 1: to me? I Rember was like, okay, this is you know.
Speaker 1: I just asked him why, and I always to say
Speaker 1: and I'm like, look, I don't really want to die.
Speaker 1: I don't really want to know why.
Speaker 2: I'm literally talking to him and I'm going to sit.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, whatever, if I die, it is what
Speaker 1: it is. And then I woke up and I did it,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, he's about ahmember, that's what I mean.
Speaker 1: I take everything in. So I took in what it's
Speaker 1: like to be a wife, and I took in what
Speaker 1: kind of husband I should be looking for, and feelings
Speaker 1: and emotions like I didn't think it's it's I didn't
Speaker 1: think it's necessary. Even like I didn't, I didn't think
Speaker 1: it's part of it. Because when I warned that romances love,
Speaker 1: romance and love is from the movies. Life is meant
Speaker 1: to be hard. Marriages, you have to work. They never
Speaker 1: tell you how hard or how much you have to work.
Speaker 1: So you can go into a situation that's not normal
Speaker 1: and you just remember that. Remember romance is fake. Love
Speaker 1: is fake. People are just pretending it's real hard work. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I was. I was set up like everybody else.
Speaker 1: Had oneber show and we met for an hour. We
Speaker 1: spoke a lot of different things. But yes, you want
Speaker 1: to have internet, No, okay, you want to have a computer, Okay,
Speaker 1: I want like a real to digestive. I wanted to
Speaker 1: live with a lot of do you want them? Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's absolutely what I want. I want to have a
Speaker 1: fun home. Yeah, are you going to learn?
Speaker 3: He agreed with you about not having a computer and
Speaker 3: not having internet.
Speaker 1: I agree with him. I did have a computer because
Speaker 1: I do have a recording studio, but like south the internet. Now, okay, no,
Speaker 1: I make it sound like it was. Really it wasn't
Speaker 1: like that. It was more like he aligned. He checked
Speaker 1: off exactly what I wanted at that point, wanted the
Speaker 1: same home that I wanted, and he did a lot
Speaker 1: of things that I know others don't like. He was
Speaker 1: very into if I need to work, I'm going to work.
Speaker 1: If I need a if I'm going to try to
Speaker 1: learn as much as possible. If I need to work,
Speaker 1: I'm going to work. And that was different from when
Speaker 1: I grew up. Oh, like, okay, that's a plus, he said.
Speaker 1: He was very accepting up my sisters. I don't know,
Speaker 1: it just it just fit. So we met like an
Speaker 1: hour and a half to two hours and got engaged
Speaker 1: that night.
Speaker 3: Where did you meet in his ant spacement? In his
Speaker 3: ant spacement, were you excited get.
Speaker 2: Engaged or to meet someone both? I do not not really.
Speaker 1: It was more like the next step and what I'm
Speaker 1: supposed to do in this world. When I know that
Speaker 1: I'm not going to feel right about something. My logical
Speaker 1: brain turns on completely one hundred percent and my emotions
Speaker 1: go completely down. So because it was so logical, it
Speaker 1: became what I wanted.
Speaker 3: It's like you emotionally shut down and you're like now
Speaker 3: following the steps, almost like a robot.
Speaker 1: And we were like seven months we didn't meet.
Speaker 3: Did you talk during the engagement?
Speaker 1: Yeah, we didn't meet at all. He was learning Israel
Speaker 1: and then we spoke twice, and I was so lucky.
Speaker 3: If you would have met him on the street, would
Speaker 3: you have recognized him?
Speaker 1: I would like to think so. But at one point,
Speaker 1: like I forgot his voice, I got engaged Khanaka, and
Speaker 1: I didn't speak to him till Psak. And I remember
Speaker 1: all the mothers would tell me engagement is the best time,
Speaker 1: like you know you're going to get married, but you
Speaker 1: still don't have the pressure of marriage, so enjoy this time.
Speaker 1: And I would look at them like, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I was. I was miserable. My engagement wasn't miserable.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I remember, more so than marriage.
Speaker 1: It was more in my mind, I'm like, what are
Speaker 1: you doing? You're getting into something? Do you even want this?
Speaker 1: And then in the meantime, we were shopping and getting
Speaker 1: furniture and different kind of things that were spending so
Speaker 1: much money. So I didn't think I had a choice.
Speaker 1: I kept telling myself like, it's gonna be good, Like
Speaker 1: this is just you're in your head. I would sit
Speaker 1: with a picture in front of him. I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: start liking, we're gonna marry like him.
Speaker 3: But you didn't even know him.
Speaker 1: Was he cute looking? Can I ask?
Speaker 2: I'm not so into looks?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Me either. I was never really into looks. So
Speaker 1: it's a personality that mattered. And it was easy to
Speaker 1: talk like. We had a easy time talking.
Speaker 2: Conversation flowed and that's they told us.
Speaker 1: If you see it flows, then it's probably a good
Speaker 1: yeah thing.
Speaker 3: I hear you, especially if your emotions are shut down.
Speaker 3: I can only speak for myself, but personally I relate
Speaker 3: to that being overwhelmed to the point that you shut
Speaker 3: down and then you go on autopilot. It's very hard
Speaker 3: to even feel attraction because you're in this crisis state.
Speaker 3: So how are you supposed to know if you're even
Speaker 3: attracted exactly? So what was it like to be newly married?
Speaker 1: I remember crying a lot. Boy, I cried a lot.
Speaker 1: I did not feel like I'm my ideal wife. I'm
Speaker 1: a real perfectionist. I have a very loud self critic.
Speaker 1: I always feel like I'm not doing enough, and I
Speaker 1: had such high standards of myself and I can never
Speaker 1: reach it emotionally. Did he know try doing everything? Did
Speaker 1: he know that I didn't? Not? At that point, I
Speaker 1: forced myself. It's kind of so hard for me to
Speaker 1: be like hying. So every time I would say I
Speaker 1: love you, I felt like another part of me dying. Yeah,
Speaker 1: did your mother know? No, we put up such a
Speaker 1: good show on the outside, that to the point where
Speaker 1: where his grandfather gave us, mister that we're showing too
Speaker 1: much affection in public.
Speaker 3: Wow, what were you doing? You were holding hands in public?
Speaker 1: He fixed my wig.
Speaker 2: You have to pretend like you're not clean all the time.
Speaker 3: How much after you got married was your daughter born?
Speaker 1: How long after got pregnant? Five months after roaged, five
Speaker 1: months after we're married?
Speaker 3: After you got married? You got married otherwise while he
Speaker 3: was in Israel? That would be very strange.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know technology today, you'd be surprised.
Speaker 3: Wow, I'm so sorry to hear you know. I have
Speaker 3: to say, it's so painful to hear because you're so young,
Speaker 3: you're so trying to be grown up, but you're not
Speaker 3: quite there, and sometimes you're not ready to be vulnerable
Speaker 3: when you're young, but trying to be grown up.
Speaker 1: Especially for me, being vulnerable was not I couldn't afford
Speaker 1: to be vulnerable in my family, you know. I needed
Speaker 1: to be strong for my sisters and my parents. So
Speaker 1: and if I would be vulnerable, I need somebody really like,
Speaker 1: not only strong and hold me, but also not making
Speaker 1: me feel little. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, someone who can respect that you're such a big Yeah.
Speaker 1: I want to you know, you're you're still strong. For
Speaker 1: some men, it's like they are very insecure about themselves.
Speaker 1: So when their wife like cries, they feel like, oh okay,
Speaker 1: now I'm bigger. Yeah, and they like it. Yeah, makes
Speaker 1: them feel it.
Speaker 3: But then when you're strong and you don't need them,
Speaker 3: then they're feeling they might feel threatened.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 3: So was your daughter born before you got to Worcester?
Speaker 1: After before way before I was married three years? Wow?
Speaker 1: So she was born? So I got pregnant five months
Speaker 1: after my engagement. I had a really really hard pregnancy
Speaker 1: at HG. You know what, h G h G. Hyperamesis something.
Speaker 1: It's basically severe severe emosia severe like non be like.
Speaker 1: Basically it was really it was really really tough. I
Speaker 1: to stop working.
Speaker 3: What will you do?
Speaker 1: I was working customer service, Like my company was hired
Speaker 1: by other companies to do the customer service for them.
Speaker 1: So by did customer service for a lot of different companies.
Speaker 1: It's actually a lot of fun. Got the switch different
Speaker 1: different companies and identities. Yeah, so I had to stop working.
Speaker 1: I was basically in bed entorry time. I lost a
Speaker 1: ton of weight. I was like thirty pounds. Me, I'm tiny.
Speaker 1: I lost like thirty pounds.
Speaker 3: Why you couldn't eat because you were so nauseous, But
Speaker 3: eat and then go to the west, to the west.
Speaker 1: It's literally like a cycle. At one point they made
Speaker 1: me count how many times I threw up. It was
Speaker 1: like by twenty five thirty I lost count. Wow.
Speaker 3: It was this way all through the pregnancy, or it
Speaker 3: got better towards there.
Speaker 1: Like by the second trimester, it became a little better,
Speaker 1: like more towards the afternoon. I was able to keep
Speaker 1: down some of it, but I was still vomiting till
Speaker 1: the last day. I loved labor. I didn't throw up once.
Speaker 1: It's like labor. My delivery was easier than my whole pregnancy,
Speaker 1: And what was it like to be a new That
Speaker 1: was actually easier than being a wife.
Speaker 2: And that's that's why I think.
Speaker 1: I think I ended up stopping to take birth control
Speaker 1: in the beginning and actually want to get pregnant because
Speaker 1: I felt like, I'm I'm doing a sucky job. You know,
Speaker 1: I can't be a wife, so let's see how I
Speaker 1: am as a mother. And he's the best that I
Speaker 1: can get. I didn't think there was a way. I
Speaker 1: didn't think there was anything else. I didn't think I
Speaker 1: needed anything else. I'm like, you know what, he still
Speaker 1: checks the boxes. I'm sure he's gonna be a great father.
Speaker 1: He is a great father, and then great, let's have
Speaker 1: a baby. And I was great mother?
Speaker 3: Then were you married off with birth control? Your mother
Speaker 3: set you up with birth control? This is normal? Like
Speaker 3: is this the normal?
Speaker 1: Now? That's why my mother was more open minded. She
Speaker 1: just took from her own personal experience. I was born
Speaker 1: when she was nineteen. She's when I got pregnant. She's like,
Speaker 1: still supported me, but I know it bothered her.
Speaker 3: Wow, you know what, we all have to do our thing.
Speaker 3: It's very hard to be a mother. I mean, your
Speaker 3: your kid is still young, but you have to watch
Speaker 3: your kid grow up and do their own thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah. It was one of the hardest things that when
Speaker 1: we actually got separated. She she's such a smart little
Speaker 1: girl that she would ask questions, you know, it would
Speaker 1: hurt her and would hurt me, and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: what am I doing? Why am I doing this? But
Speaker 1: I yeah, yeah, at one point, you can't ignore everything
Speaker 1: that's building up.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, did you? I can ask if you're from now,
Speaker 3: you're not from right?
Speaker 1: How what's from? Like?
Speaker 3: Do you? I guess I should rephrase it. Did you
Speaker 3: go on a religious journey making religious changes? At some point?
Speaker 1: Definitely? Whatever felt I'm gonna use this term because for
Speaker 1: me it felt like that when I finish I did whatever,
Speaker 1: it felt like it was a life and death situation
Speaker 1: for me. Everything else even that, if it's a week,
Speaker 1: if it's a shop, is that it doesn't feel like
Speaker 1: life and death. I try to keep it as much
Speaker 1: as I can, so it's not all or nothing for me,
Speaker 1: very clear about that. I got besa. I try. I
Speaker 1: try because I'm not you know, I don't want to
Speaker 1: raise that part of me. And I'm not stupid either.
Speaker 1: Like I'm happy that I'm happy that this didn't happen
Speaker 1: when I was fifteen years old, because then I probably
Speaker 1: would have wanted to try everything. I could have gotten
Speaker 1: into so much trouble and gone through so many more
Speaker 1: traumatic things. Right now, I'm a lot more in touch
Speaker 1: with myself.
Speaker 2: I know I'm not a club girl.
Speaker 1: I'm not a party girl in certain things I'm staying
Speaker 1: away from. And I have a daughter, so I have responsibilities.
Speaker 1: I don't do drugs or anything like that. She keeps
Speaker 1: me grounded.
Speaker 3: That's great. Can I ask, I don't know if you
Speaker 3: want to talk, you're okay talking about this. Was it
Speaker 3: your decision to end the marriage or do you not
Speaker 3: want to talk about it?
Speaker 2: No, it was initially it wasn't my decision.
Speaker 1: It was his. And just gonna put it out there.
Speaker 1: Like we got separated in end of June, and I
Speaker 1: started like not being from in October. A lot of
Speaker 1: people think that it was Oh, she didn't want to
Speaker 1: be from so they went separated.
Speaker 2: That was not the case at all.
Speaker 1: So were you relieved? Yeah? How were your parents about it?
Speaker 1: It was very hard at first. It still is like
Speaker 1: they wanted to keep it a secret. This was a
Speaker 1: lot of shame around it too. It was like We've
Speaker 1: always been an embarrassing family. I've always had people laughing
Speaker 1: at us. I always have people rejecting us. This is
Speaker 1: another thing. But I got a lot of pressure to
Speaker 1: try again. Obviously there was a lot more to it, right,
Speaker 1: and they didn't know half of the things I was.
Speaker 1: It came as such a shock to them. I wish
Speaker 1: it wouldn't. I wish they would have seen it coming more.
Speaker 1: And it was also my sister was engaged. I didn't
Speaker 1: want to do with her while she was engaged, So
Speaker 1: I kept pushing and pushing and pushing months and months
Speaker 1: and months, but I just couldn't pretty much.
Speaker 2: Yeah, right before she got married. Not right before, but.
Speaker 1: So they were busy with another kid, another wedding, and
Speaker 1: at the same time I had another sister. She wasn't
Speaker 1: sap there and stop. I sent her out. Probably all
Speaker 1: my siblings were sent out from some place already. So
Speaker 1: talk about feeling rejected right as a family.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Yeah, what was harder for your parents, the divorce
Speaker 3: or your religious change?
Speaker 1: Definitely the divorce.
Speaker 3: Yeah, why I think the.
Speaker 1: Religion didn't bother them as much. I mean, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: say how I dress because that's the most like visible, right,
Speaker 1: so I do where parents are like more masks looking.
Speaker 1: Whether it bothered them, I think because I was like
Speaker 1: the third sister to not not be from that, they
Speaker 1: were like, okay, what else divorce, I say, and that
Speaker 1: was a lot more. I'm sure it was a big deal.
Speaker 3: What happened with your sisters? Can you talk about them
Speaker 3: not be coming from Is it the one the one
Speaker 3: that you know.
Speaker 1: Earlier, the one that's uh yeah, so she it was
Speaker 1: an eventual, it was I guess her was so slow.
Speaker 1: It's like more and more until like at one point
Speaker 1: she just couldn't anymore. There's a limit how much a
Speaker 1: person can take while also focusing their votes on religion.
Speaker 1: Then the sister after that, and she was she was
Speaker 1: in sommer school. And I think it was a thing
Speaker 1: from the parents. That's what we heard back that a
Speaker 1: lot of the classmates parents, whoever I say this, they
Speaker 1: don't believe me, the like stop my wife from show
Speaker 1: fine bathroom. I know, sorry, yeah, you're not gonna tell me.
Speaker 1: They don't And again no, no, trying to see if
Speaker 1: there's another place. And she she's a really deep girl.
Speaker 1: She's a lot like me, so she felt it. She's like,
Speaker 1: you know, I thought they liked me. I thought they
Speaker 1: saw beyond everything. I thought they saw that I'm a
Speaker 1: good girl and that I want to be good. And she,
Speaker 1: you know, she had hurt her a lot. It does
Speaker 1: something person I can't even go into it. But yeah,
Speaker 1: and again nobody know.
Speaker 3: We tried.
Speaker 1: We tried. Yeah, We're like, yeah, they're going through all
Speaker 1: of it again, and I should show that my marriage
Speaker 1: and everything's falling. The power. Well, I know that they
Speaker 1: are going through so many things with them, Like I
Speaker 1: wasn't home and and my mother always said, like with Pessy,
Speaker 1: I know at least with her, she's good.
Speaker 3: I couldn't do it to them. Are they okay with
Speaker 3: you now? Are they able to support you a lot more?
Speaker 1: Yeah, we we talk more. I have more support than
Speaker 1: I did. I learned to ask for it. To asking
Speaker 1: for help was extremely odd for me. I found many
Speaker 1: friends made people. I was also very scared to to
Speaker 1: make friends because I had very close friends in the
Speaker 1: past and all of them just cut over for one
Speaker 1: reason or another, and I connect very deep, very hard,
Speaker 1: but very deep. And if so many stops limits very
Speaker 1: hard for me to start again, but I did. Yeah,
Speaker 1: unless it's not worth it.
Speaker 2: Like my model changed.
Speaker 1: It used to be rather be lonely then get hurt
Speaker 1: to the point or ever now it's like, rather risk
Speaker 1: your heart and have amazing people in your life rather
Speaker 1: than being a lonely and alone one hundred.
Speaker 3: It's a very strong sign of trauma if you're so
Speaker 3: afraid that you won't be able to deal with hurt
Speaker 3: that you would rather isolate yourself. And I think a
Speaker 3: part of healthy growth is the ability to cope with
Speaker 3: a pain that comes with relationships. It's heartbreaking if someone
Speaker 3: can't cope with it. Yeah, and it's also clear that
Speaker 3: you found your anger, which also can be really hard
Speaker 3: for women who especially grow up being the big sister,
Speaker 3: the brave pace, trying to solve things by being better.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what happened? What happened? How the anger started coming out?
Speaker 1: The more in touch I get with myself, as I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't have to fake anymore. I don't have to
Speaker 1: be the perfect wife, perfect I should style, the perfect daughter,
Speaker 1: perfect teacher was teacher too.
Speaker 2: Loved my students soually loved them.
Speaker 1: I told for a year and a half and I
Speaker 1: do belong certain part of me belongs in the classroom.
Speaker 1: And when they asked me if I'm going to come
Speaker 1: the next year, I was still everything was still going fine.
Speaker 1: Just something in me it was like, don't like next year,
Speaker 1: Like you can't go on one more year like this,
Speaker 1: And I know whatever's gonna be, it's either gonna be
Speaker 1: a breakdown or a breakthrough. But I would not through.
Speaker 3: It and say I heard you with your daughter, and
Speaker 3: I can see how you thrive in that maternal role,
Speaker 3: in the teacher role.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is so very exciting because I have ideas
Speaker 1: to this guy. Oh, like I told about Italy, we
Speaker 1: just made pizza. I loved it. I loved it. But again,
Speaker 1: because I had all that in front of me, I
Speaker 1: couldn't focus on all my pain and my anger, my
Speaker 1: resentment and feelings of betrayal. There's so much there. Even
Speaker 1: right now, it's I'm not fully letting it come out
Speaker 1: because I don't even know what I'm gonna do. Because
Speaker 1: when I feel angry, it's yeah I.
Speaker 2: Can It's also a feeling of protectiveness.
Speaker 1: I don't know if only feel angry for me. I
Speaker 1: feel angry for my sisters to burn the world down
Speaker 1: because of it. So that's just protecting everybody else. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we'll safe for now. I'm just saying that now I
Speaker 1: don't have anything to focus on other than what brought
Speaker 1: me here. Also, because I have such a strong connection
Speaker 1: tash Him, I can't be my I can't bring myself
Speaker 1: to be angry at him. I'm so scared to be
Speaker 1: angry at him.
Speaker 3: To this day. You have a strong connection tash Him,
Speaker 3: do you, Davin? Every day you pray?
Speaker 1: Dwining was very hard for me, even as a little kid,
Speaker 1: because I can never understand what I'm saying. So a
Speaker 1: lot of times like pretend I'm dawning inside of downie Yiddish.
Speaker 2: But I still talk to him a lot less, though
Speaker 2: recently because if.
Speaker 1: I talked to him, are all it's going to come up?
Speaker 1: But I do. I am at this point right now
Speaker 1: where I feel like in order for me to grow
Speaker 1: close to him again, I have to acknowledge everything I'm feeling.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. That
Speaker 3: sounds very healthy to me. Yeah, yeah, So thank you
Speaker 3: for sharing all of this. Let's quickly talk about Instagram
Speaker 3: where we see the clown side of Pessy, the creative, fun,
Speaker 3: funny side of you.
Speaker 1: Yes, fake, it's not totally.
Speaker 3: I don't think it's fake. No, no, not at all.
Speaker 3: I didn't think for a second it's fake. I just
Speaker 3: think it's the fun side. We all have different sides,
Speaker 3: especially a deep person like you. What happened there? How
Speaker 3: did you end up becoming an Instagram personality?
Speaker 1: It was a night before my sister's wedding and then
Speaker 1: we posted that video.
Speaker 2: But what brought me into profiting video? So basically I
Speaker 2: didn't have this is.
Speaker 1: It with your sisters? It was with my sisters? Yeah,
Speaker 1: both of them, my sisters. The one that I'm actually
Speaker 1: fitting is the sister right after me and the one
Speaker 1: standing there and says, do you have anything that hides
Speaker 1: it a little better? That's the one She got married
Speaker 1: the next day.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 1: But it was so I guess I was I did
Speaker 1: not know how the world works. I didn't have a
Speaker 1: smartphone while I was married. I was just newly separated,
Speaker 1: and I'm a newly voked just a couple of months out,
Speaker 1: and I was like I had I dropped everything, religion
Speaker 1: and everything that week literally, But I had a couple
Speaker 1: of months before I got I got a smartphone, downloaded
Speaker 1: Instagram because my sister told me it's a better for scrolling.
Speaker 1: Oh I don't Instagram, and I used it for scrolling.
Speaker 1: And then at one point I'm like, oh yeah, I
Speaker 1: sh'll post. I don't know, so I posted like pictures
Speaker 1: of me cooking all to do.
Speaker 2: It was private, it's private account. He barely had any followers.
Speaker 1: I had maybe some of my friends and my sisters,
Speaker 1: and then at one point I started accepting some more
Speaker 1: like friends of friends. We had a family Instagram. We
Speaker 1: closed it, but we called it. I was called I
Speaker 1: didn't even remember my family Instagram account name. Where's it called?
Speaker 1: Like this gen z word family?
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm not the right person. I am not the
Speaker 3: right person here.
Speaker 1: Something like that was cool when you like get to unstress.
Speaker 1: I don't even remember. We had a family Instagram. And
Speaker 1: I always said, like us, as a family, we can
Speaker 1: make it big. We are so hilarious, we are so cuckoo.
Speaker 1: These videos are just on a daily basis in our conversation.
Speaker 1: So we opened up this family Instagram, and then some
Speaker 1: videos that I posted there I posted on my private
Speaker 1: and then I started only posting my private but it
Speaker 1: was still a private account. And at one point I
Speaker 1: gave out one video, the one the way I'm saying, like,
Speaker 1: what's the first rebellies act that you did as an
Speaker 1: ultra person? I ate in the toilet literally short twenty
Speaker 1: five seconds, still on my private account, in my bedroom dark,
Speaker 1: like I wasn't even I just yeah, that's how everything happens.
Speaker 1: And I guess a friend watched a friend watch it
Speaker 1: or something, and suddenly I started getting a lot more requests,
Speaker 1: Like I went from twenty five to seventy five in
Speaker 1: a day. Every day I got another like seventy requests.
Speaker 1: And I told my sister, my mother sister, that I
Speaker 1: don't know. I don't have patience. I keep having to
Speaker 1: open up my Instagram I canunt and to accept people
Speaker 1: like I'm I don't have time. She's like, okay, so
Speaker 1: do it public. I'm like, so if I do it public,
Speaker 1: it means that people don't have to like, I don't
Speaker 1: have to accept people. They can just watch me without
Speaker 1: me looking. Yeah. Fine, I didn't even know what public private.
Speaker 1: I didn't even know anything. And then we post the
Speaker 1: pro video Matsasavis and it went around. It went around,
Speaker 1: and by the next morning, I went from seventy seventy
Speaker 1: five to one hundred to five thousand.
Speaker 2: Then they wow, that's followers views.
Speaker 1: It went around, and normally that people started regniting was
Speaker 1: the wedding day. People started recognizing me on the street,
Speaker 1: and I was I was ready to close it down
Speaker 1: right there and go hide in the cave for a while.
Speaker 1: It was not a time where I wanted that to
Speaker 1: happen to me. I've been dealing with my own things.
Speaker 1: My family was always so over the radar. I was
Speaker 1: always so quiet, So my own thing that I didn't
Speaker 1: really I didn't appreciate the popular I didn't enjoy it.
Speaker 1: I made so many mistakes.
Speaker 2: I took videos of my location was clearly visible. I
Speaker 2: don't know half of the things you know. And then
Speaker 2: I kept it open. I wanted to close it down
Speaker 2: many times, but it's still open.
Speaker 3: But what's keeping you to be to stay told? Your nerve?
Speaker 1: A couple of things, some good things, some bad things.
Speaker 1: So my deep, deep yearning of making a difference that
Speaker 1: I've always wanted. That's why I became a teacher, That's
Speaker 1: why I becoming a nurse, It's something I always wanted.
Speaker 1: I wanted to make a difference because we were so
Speaker 1: quiet of a family, and we kept being you know,
Speaker 1: I never felt like I can. I just wanted with
Speaker 1: one word, make somebody's day, with one smile, make somebody's
Speaker 1: day more than I already was. And here I was
Speaker 1: public and just a little kid coming over is like, Hi,
Speaker 1: recognize your Instagram? Can we take a s healthie? And
Speaker 1: I'm making somebody's day just by existing. And I've had
Speaker 1: people saying that, no, I know this in this person.
Speaker 1: She's she's sick and she doesn't laugh often, but she
Speaker 1: laughs from your videos a lot of different things that
Speaker 1: I hear. That is what keeps me going, being relatable,
Speaker 1: being able to tell stories through you. I'm not making fun,
Speaker 1: that's the one thing I'm not. Some people say, oh,
Speaker 1: she's the one that's making fun on Instagram. I don't
Speaker 1: mean to make fun. I just want to be relatable
Speaker 1: and it's healing for me. Also, looking back, I have
Speaker 1: all these memories, Let me share it to people, let
Speaker 1: me make people laugh, laugh through trauma. That's how I
Speaker 1: always went through my life. For humor is the best
Speaker 1: dealmor in my opinion, then why I do want to
Speaker 1: close it. That one is a lot stronger. That one
Speaker 1: is a lot stronger. I fear that one day I
Speaker 1: am going to close it because of that. Not as
Speaker 1: secure as I may sound, take everything people say, and
Speaker 1: even more, like I said, I have a very loud
Speaker 1: inner critic. So if somebody tells me something, they're not
Speaker 1: telling me something. They're confirming something that I already know
Speaker 1: about myself. And I can't just not listen to it.
Speaker 1: And people are not nice. People are really not my
Speaker 1: A lot of things I delete, A lot of things
Speaker 1: are private, the things people send me. A lot of
Speaker 1: things are just so dumb. A lot of things hurt.
Speaker 1: A lot of things hurt. Eleve of them say like,
Speaker 1: I bet like your daughter is going to be more
Speaker 1: traumatized than you. You're ruining people's lives, You're ruining people's day.
Speaker 1: You soul this, You're so cringe you so that. Why
Speaker 1: would I keep posting when I don't even know why
Speaker 1: I'm doing it? It's not like I worked hard to
Speaker 1: get it. It just came into my lap. Why would
Speaker 1: I keep going when I get such comments? And it's
Speaker 1: also as a person that came from being rejected from
Speaker 1: my community, and I have anger towards the community, a
Speaker 1: lot of hate and betrayal towards the community.
Speaker 2: I want to get over that.
Speaker 1: But when I have Jewish fellow Jewish people continuing on
Speaker 1: to feed that anger, You're not helping me. You're not
Speaker 1: making me love you anymore. It's like, like you said,
Speaker 1: they're supposed to be, They're supposed to be.
Speaker 2: I have higher expectations from them. Yeah I shouldn't, but
Speaker 2: there is this disappointment.
Speaker 1: No, you should, you should. I'm twenty two years old,
Speaker 1: I'm a little kid. Yeah, I'm not even talking about
Speaker 1: that in appropriateness.
Speaker 3: I get it.
Speaker 1: There are certain things people say, like I bet your
Speaker 1: parents wish that you were never born, that you never existed.
Speaker 1: And yeah, not only me, my sisters get it too.
Speaker 1: So yeah, hate is not funny. I'm not built to
Speaker 1: take it yet. I hope that one day I will,
Speaker 1: but right.
Speaker 3: Now I'm not.
Speaker 1: And these cowards are hiding behind the screen and running someone.
Speaker 1: And my daughter's gonna grow up and she's gonna read
Speaker 1: these things to the thing, Oh what do you why?
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, don't listen. I totally understand. I get comments
Speaker 3: very often, and I am so much older than you.
Speaker 3: I could almost be your mom. Like, that's a lot,
Speaker 3: a lot of time to get comfortable in your own skin.
Speaker 3: And I can't imagine the place you're in. But even
Speaker 3: for me, I get these comments and I relate a
Speaker 3: lot to how you describe that inner critic. Critic is
Speaker 3: already there and it's being triggered, especially when it comes
Speaker 3: from from people who you've been so hyper sensitized in
Speaker 3: your childhood towards not being bad, and when they come
Speaker 3: out and they say you are bad, it touches that
Speaker 3: inner child that is cowering in there and trying to
Speaker 3: not be bad. And a lot of commenters will say, oh,
Speaker 3: don't pay attention to them, and they mean well, but
Speaker 3: they don't understand that there is a very loud voice
Speaker 3: inside of you that is paying attention and it just
Speaker 3: really really hurts. And I think I think really keeping
Speaker 3: going is the best way to to like learn to
Speaker 3: trust yourself that it's okay. It's okay. You don't have
Speaker 3: to run away and close your account. Your creative voice
Speaker 3: gives so many people comfort and joy, like you said,
Speaker 3: and and the horrible people hiding behind screens, it's just
Speaker 3: not worth. It's not worth giving them the power. Yeah, well,
Speaker 3: I hope that you know you keep you keep making
Speaker 3: people app I love comedians. I have comedians on all
Speaker 3: the time, and there's always the people who are like,
Speaker 3: this is not funny. Whatever. If you don't find it funny,
Speaker 3: go away. A lot of us find it funny.
Speaker 2: Like the amount of write down you could you could
Speaker 2: have just scrolled.
Speaker 1: Why are you watching? Why are you're staying enough to
Speaker 1: comment the comment on the nitty gritty, which means you've
Speaker 1: watched them more than once probably, And if I hit
Speaker 1: a nerve find out why?
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, as they say in therapy, Well, well, I
Speaker 3: am so grateful pest to you for sharing because a
Speaker 3: lot of what you shared I kind of feel your heart,
Speaker 3: like I feel like you've spoken so like from the heart,
Speaker 3: and I think it's really really important. So I hope
Speaker 3: you keep doing what you're doing making people smile. When
Speaker 3: my mother was in the hospital, I really changed my
Speaker 3: attitude towards my own work because I saw how much
Speaker 3: the people she follows kept her going, and I kind
Speaker 3: of told myself, you know what, if there are people
Speaker 3: in the hospital that I can keep going in the
Speaker 3: smallest ways, then it's worth it, and I think that
Speaker 3: you should also, and you're going to be literally treating
Speaker 3: people in your nursing profession.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, thank you.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna let you go now. I want to thank
Speaker 3: also the viewers on YouTube and the podcast listeners as well.
Speaker 3: I'm going to be linking to your Instagram on YouTube
Speaker 3: so that people can find you.
Speaker 1: Okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 3: They keep PESSI anything