WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:02.279 One of my sisters. She was going through a really 2 00:00:02.279 --> 00:00:05.799 hard time in school. They kicked her out. She was 3 00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:08.679 eighth grade. I'm telling you, I have no idea why 4 00:00:08.919 --> 00:00:10.880 they sent her out. The rest of us were still 5 00:00:10.919 --> 00:00:14.240 in there, and my mother tried all the other schools 6 00:00:14.400 --> 00:00:17.359 from that extreme to that extreme. Even at one point 7 00:00:17.440 --> 00:00:19.280 there was no school of Munsey that would take her, 8 00:00:19.480 --> 00:00:21.600 not a single one who tried out. 9 00:00:21.480 --> 00:00:24.920 Lakewood or New Jersey. And they also refused. One of 10 00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:27.559 them said, we refuse to save the Nashamas of Munsey. 11 00:00:27.800 --> 00:00:28.280 Why do you. 12 00:00:28.239 --> 00:00:31.320 Think a community that is supposed to be so good 13 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:35.119 about Hasid and charity didn't come through for her. 14 00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:37.280 The community is great with Hay said, when it comes 15 00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:42.759 to physically sick people, cancer patients, if anybody cannot have children, 16 00:00:42.840 --> 00:00:45.280 if anybody that doesn't have any money, Out of all 17 00:00:45.520 --> 00:00:49.159 my personal experience from mine and my siblings, there's no 18 00:00:49.600 --> 00:00:52.399 organization that helps for not that I've heard of, that 19 00:00:52.520 --> 00:00:55.039 offer to try to get her into a school, try 20 00:00:55.039 --> 00:00:56.039 to fight on her behalf. 21 00:00:56.320 --> 00:00:58.560 Hello everyone, my name is Peter Bazel and I'm in 22 00:00:58.560 --> 00:01:01.719 New York City, Brooklyn based juice YouTuber with an interest 23 00:01:01.840 --> 00:01:05.840 in all things Jewish subcultures religion, New York City, and 24 00:01:06.159 --> 00:01:10.120 human interest stories. Today, I'm delighted to interview Pessi from 25 00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:14.560 the Instagram account pess I'm stressing Pessi Gay notoriety for 26 00:01:14.680 --> 00:01:19.200 creating funny spoofs in Yiddish on Instagram, for instance, spoofing 27 00:01:19.239 --> 00:01:22.519 the experience of shy young girls getting fitted for bras 28 00:01:22.599 --> 00:01:26.680 by matronly no nonsense Asiitic ladies, and other funny spoofs 29 00:01:26.879 --> 00:01:29.920 that many of us can relate to. I heard from 30 00:01:29.959 --> 00:01:32.239 so many of you wanted to hear Pessi's story, and 31 00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:35.599 I'm so glad that she agreed to speak with me today. 32 00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:38.359 Thank you, Pesse for being here, Thank. 33 00:01:38.200 --> 00:01:38.799 You for having me. 34 00:01:38.879 --> 00:01:40.079 How are you doing good? 35 00:01:41.079 --> 00:01:42.079 Doing good? 36 00:01:42.719 --> 00:01:44.959 We want to get to know you and your story. 37 00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:47.760 Do you mind if we start by I'll ask you 38 00:01:48.120 --> 00:01:50.640 where you were raised and how old you are. 39 00:01:50.799 --> 00:01:53.959 I was born and raised in Monsey, New York, and 40 00:01:54.159 --> 00:01:54.959 I'm twenty two. 41 00:01:55.159 --> 00:01:57.400 You're twenty two, and you're a mother. 42 00:01:57.519 --> 00:01:58.000 I'm a mother. 43 00:01:58.400 --> 00:01:59.519 How old is your daughter? 44 00:01:59.560 --> 00:02:02.840 She is earning three end of July, so she's two 45 00:02:02.840 --> 00:02:05.000 and a half. I had her when I was nineteen 46 00:02:05.040 --> 00:02:05.200 and a. 47 00:02:05.159 --> 00:02:09.240 Half and right now you're a student in college. 48 00:02:09.960 --> 00:02:12.319 Yeah, do you still live in month See, yeah, around 49 00:02:12.400 --> 00:02:16.000 like Rockland County, but still here near my family. Sweet. 50 00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:18.840 I lived in Rockland County as a single mother for 51 00:02:18.879 --> 00:02:22.360 many years. It was a sweet place to raise a kid. 52 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:26.000 Yeah. Yeah, did you grow up speaking Yiddish my school? 53 00:02:26.280 --> 00:02:28.879 We spoke Yidish in school between our friends, which is 54 00:02:28.919 --> 00:02:31.360 not that common as you might think. Not my speaks 55 00:02:31.360 --> 00:02:33.840 to theater's business speaks theatersh but all the rest of 56 00:02:33.840 --> 00:02:36.719 the schools don't really speak Eidish between friends. We did 57 00:02:36.800 --> 00:02:40.360 at home. We spoke Yiddish till I was fifteen years old. 58 00:02:40.360 --> 00:02:42.960 And at that point, somehow like our family went through 59 00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:45.919 some changes and we all started speaking English more or less. 60 00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:48.280 I have two little brothers and were still speak English 61 00:02:48.319 --> 00:02:48.599 to them. 62 00:02:48.639 --> 00:02:49.520 How many kids are you? 63 00:02:49.520 --> 00:02:51.719 We're seven, I'm the oldest, you're the oldest. 64 00:02:52.560 --> 00:02:54.599 Five girls. Interesting, So that's fine. 65 00:02:54.759 --> 00:02:57.039 Five girls in a row and then two boys. Would 66 00:02:57.039 --> 00:02:59.560 you say that you spoke more English at home because 67 00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:00.800 you were so many girls? 68 00:03:01.039 --> 00:03:03.280 No, again, we switched over to English a lot later. 69 00:03:03.360 --> 00:03:05.639 So in the beginning, when I was younger, we all 70 00:03:05.680 --> 00:03:09.159 spoke Yiddish. But then yeah, our father was speak Yiddish. 71 00:03:09.199 --> 00:03:11.599 I don't know, it's very mixed. It's more like we 72 00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:15.159 started reading in English and watching videos in English. It's 73 00:03:15.159 --> 00:03:17.919 more about being able to express ourselves better in English. 74 00:03:18.240 --> 00:03:18.840 I get that. 75 00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:22.840 Yeah, which so quickly through languages that I don't even 76 00:03:22.960 --> 00:03:25.000 I don't realize have the time, what language I'm speaking, 77 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:27.360 even to my father would be speaking English switching over 78 00:03:27.439 --> 00:03:30.120 to Yiddish. I don't even know, not a. It's very 79 00:03:30.120 --> 00:03:31.039 fluid for me. 80 00:03:31.159 --> 00:03:35.479 Also, yeah, yeah, my daughter, but it's definitely your daughter too, 81 00:03:35.599 --> 00:03:39.639 she's fluent in Yiddish. Yeah, love that. So can you 82 00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:42.360 tell me what kind of hasidas you were associated with 83 00:03:42.400 --> 00:03:43.159 as young kids? 84 00:03:43.439 --> 00:03:46.759 No, because it's associated that any I see. 85 00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:50.599 So what we were Where were you on the What 86 00:03:50.719 --> 00:03:52.719 school did you go to when you were very young? 87 00:03:52.879 --> 00:03:56.319 I think it was to monthly school private. Yeah, so 88 00:03:56.639 --> 00:03:59.919 it started off as being under Nicholsburg. It was called Plasmel. 89 00:04:00.680 --> 00:04:04.280 Then when I was sixth grade, I don't even know 90 00:04:04.319 --> 00:04:06.560 what happened. I just remember there were cops and a 91 00:04:06.599 --> 00:04:10.520 whole protests outside of building. It kind of split politics. 92 00:04:10.639 --> 00:04:12.360 Wow, that sounds fun. 93 00:04:12.439 --> 00:04:16.920 And after that we switched schools. We moved out of 94 00:04:16.920 --> 00:04:21.120 our building in the trailers. But yeah, switch switched the 95 00:04:21.199 --> 00:04:22.040 name switched and everything. 96 00:04:22.600 --> 00:04:26.199 Did your family not feel affiliated with Hasidis? Did they 97 00:04:26.279 --> 00:04:27.399 just see themselves. 98 00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:30.800 As we were fully Hasidish? But my grandfather was like 99 00:04:31.079 --> 00:04:35.319 he never officially had on debt, but he had a 100 00:04:35.319 --> 00:04:38.120 lot of different ones. He loved debs in general, he 101 00:04:38.160 --> 00:04:41.240 went for brooks and everything, but he never was connected 102 00:04:41.279 --> 00:04:41.759 to one. 103 00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:45.959 My father, his personal was this rash coil at Heel Tower. 104 00:04:46.079 --> 00:04:48.560 They were very close, very very close, so he asked 105 00:04:48.600 --> 00:04:53.319 him everything, moving job, everything. Then he passed away and 106 00:04:53.360 --> 00:04:55.399 his son took over, and then his son passed away, 107 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:58.439 and it's very hard for my father to get used 108 00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:00.959 to somebody new after that felt it. We felt the 109 00:05:01.040 --> 00:05:05.439 lack of a hasidisen but in our life we did 110 00:05:05.839 --> 00:05:08.040 use kids. But I have to have a feeling to 111 00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:10.040 where you are and I guess my father can't find. 112 00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:12.920 But we were fully Hasidish, like all the all the 113 00:05:12.959 --> 00:05:16.920 Hasidish Manhogean and levision and the way we went about everything. 114 00:05:17.079 --> 00:05:19.759 We weren't part of a specific We never I was 115 00:05:19.759 --> 00:05:22.279 never at a tissue even no, no. 116 00:05:22.360 --> 00:05:25.319 You didn't go to squid or none of the groups 117 00:05:25.360 --> 00:05:29.399 to interesting. How would you describe your early childhood? Was 118 00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:30.720 it very sheltered? 119 00:05:30.920 --> 00:05:32.079 Yeah, very sheltered. 120 00:05:32.160 --> 00:05:33.439 What was it like to be the oldest. 121 00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:35.120 I don't want to say guinea pick because I love 122 00:05:35.160 --> 00:05:36.079 my parents. 123 00:05:36.480 --> 00:05:42.720 It's like every oldest. I mean, it was the responsibility, 124 00:05:42.959 --> 00:05:46.079 a lot of responsibility. It's kind of like carrying the 125 00:05:46.120 --> 00:05:49.240 family on my back. That was I'm going to falk 126 00:05:49.279 --> 00:05:52.360 from my own personal experience. I felt like the mood 127 00:05:52.399 --> 00:05:55.439 in the house depended on me. So I was I 128 00:05:55.439 --> 00:05:59.120 felt like I can't fully express myself. Not anybody's fault, 129 00:05:59.160 --> 00:06:01.439 just my own, like I needed to make sure that 130 00:06:01.480 --> 00:06:03.959 everybody's happy, everybody's okay, and if any of the kids 131 00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:06.279 were making problems, you know, I tried to step in. 132 00:06:06.920 --> 00:06:08.759 I love my role. I take it very seriously. I'm 133 00:06:08.879 --> 00:06:11.680 very protective by nature, still still now. 134 00:06:11.839 --> 00:06:14.399 And that's probably why you feel so at home with 135 00:06:14.519 --> 00:06:16.759 nursing right as your future career. 136 00:06:16.519 --> 00:06:19.560 Probably I want to be that person that people you 137 00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:23.639 know depend on to be that sturdy Yeah. 138 00:06:23.879 --> 00:06:26.800 Can I ask what your relationship with your parents was 139 00:06:26.879 --> 00:06:27.800 like when you were young. 140 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:30.680 When I was young, things definitely changed. Our family changed 141 00:06:30.680 --> 00:06:32.720 in general. So when I was young, I think it 142 00:06:32.759 --> 00:06:35.759 was regular relationship that anybody has with parents. My mother 143 00:06:35.879 --> 00:06:37.680 was a stay at home mother. My father wasn't coddled 144 00:06:37.720 --> 00:06:40.720 until I was I think fourteen years old. We were close. 145 00:06:40.839 --> 00:06:43.199 It's my problem, like I didn't open up fully. But 146 00:06:43.240 --> 00:06:45.680 I have a lot of the same things, Like I 147 00:06:46.040 --> 00:06:48.199 take a lot of qualities from them. For example, my father, 148 00:06:48.279 --> 00:06:51.639 he loves learning new things, he loves history, he loves nature, 149 00:06:51.879 --> 00:06:55.480 he loves animals, all these things. I see myself like that. 150 00:06:55.959 --> 00:06:58.279 So we kind of bonded through that interests. 151 00:06:58.480 --> 00:07:01.759 That's what my father. We have very philosophical discussions and 152 00:07:02.439 --> 00:07:06.480 the pepert. My mother was always very She's like the 153 00:07:06.920 --> 00:07:11.519 she carries a lot of our family, so we depend 154 00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:13.680 on her a lot. So she was the one who 155 00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:17.079 would get us, you know, school supplies and things like that. 156 00:07:17.319 --> 00:07:20.360 But the one I would talk to more was my father. 157 00:07:20.439 --> 00:07:22.160 The one I depend more was my mother. 158 00:07:22.399 --> 00:07:26.199 Would you say your childhood was difficult or happy or both? 159 00:07:26.360 --> 00:07:28.519 What would you How would you describe it? 160 00:07:28.519 --> 00:07:31.319 It was? I think it was a regular, great childhood. 161 00:07:31.560 --> 00:07:34.360 We had a lot of space to express ourselves our family. 162 00:07:34.680 --> 00:07:38.000 We made crazy things we would build in our house, 163 00:07:38.079 --> 00:07:41.519 Like we take all the blankets and towels and sheets 164 00:07:41.759 --> 00:07:45.120 and make mazes and amusement parks. And I don't know 165 00:07:45.160 --> 00:07:49.639 what we made mock weddings and camps and all of 166 00:07:49.639 --> 00:07:51.000 it in one job this afternoon. 167 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:55.519 Obviously, you and your sisters, your younger sisters. Are you 168 00:07:55.560 --> 00:07:56.360 still close to them? 169 00:07:56.439 --> 00:07:58.639 Yeah? Very close to each other? Yeah, very sweet. 170 00:07:58.959 --> 00:08:02.399 So can I ask what happened later that your family 171 00:08:02.439 --> 00:08:04.079 became less Harasidish? 172 00:08:04.279 --> 00:08:06.839 Sure? First of all, we didn't become less Hastietish. We 173 00:08:07.000 --> 00:08:10.319 just came out a little bit of the box we 174 00:08:10.319 --> 00:08:13.480 were grown into. So we're still fully Hasidish. But we 175 00:08:13.519 --> 00:08:16.759 started watching the DVD's a little later. 176 00:08:16.959 --> 00:08:19.680 When you were really young, there were no movies, no demais, 177 00:08:19.720 --> 00:08:24.079 but that Slava Yeah, very hardcore. Yeah. Then it became 178 00:08:24.319 --> 00:08:29.160 wece Mandel, Lucky Laffy Taffy's. You could have Laughy Taffy's. 179 00:08:29.160 --> 00:08:30.759 Still not the jawel breaker one. 180 00:08:31.079 --> 00:08:32.159 You remember the fireball. 181 00:08:33.639 --> 00:08:38.320 It's like a black licorice sid category yea horrible an 182 00:08:38.320 --> 00:08:39.039 acchoir case. 183 00:08:39.320 --> 00:08:42.080 It burnt, it was so hot, no point, no point. 184 00:08:42.320 --> 00:08:45.840 So what happened? Who started to introduce things into your 185 00:08:45.879 --> 00:08:47.600 home that were more open. 186 00:08:47.759 --> 00:08:50.360 So one of my sisters, she was going through really 187 00:08:50.399 --> 00:08:54.440 hard time in school. Basically one of the principles decided 188 00:08:54.480 --> 00:08:58.320 that she was too I don't know how to explain it. 189 00:08:58.360 --> 00:09:00.840 Like there was a whole group in the class that 190 00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:04.120 didn't like the principal, and they made like a club, 191 00:09:04.200 --> 00:09:05.519 like we ate the principal. Club. 192 00:09:06.080 --> 00:09:08.440 Principal decided that my sister is the ahead of it. 193 00:09:08.519 --> 00:09:10.559 To make a long story short, she called her in 194 00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:13.679 the office and kept saying negative things to her. 195 00:09:13.480 --> 00:09:15.480 But kept telling her like, maybe you need help. 196 00:09:15.519 --> 00:09:18.240 And she sent them to some rabbi who liked that rabbi. 197 00:09:18.399 --> 00:09:21.679 He's a great rabbi, but for the people that really 198 00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:22.600 really needed him. 199 00:09:22.840 --> 00:09:25.559 So kind of that opened her up a little bit 200 00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:26.879 more to the world. 201 00:09:27.039 --> 00:09:31.399 At one point, they kicked her out. She was eighth grade. 202 00:09:32.039 --> 00:09:34.720 The principal wanted to the classroom and said that somebody 203 00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:37.120 here is like Amuli, Like keeled up the rest of 204 00:09:37.159 --> 00:09:39.360 the class, and the next day she was out. And 205 00:09:39.399 --> 00:09:41.840 you were the older sister and all of the older 206 00:09:41.879 --> 00:09:45.679 sister in high school, and yeah, knowing that everybody is 207 00:09:45.799 --> 00:09:49.320 looking at me, but I had great classmates, great friends, well, 208 00:09:49.320 --> 00:09:51.360 so I knew what was going on at home. She 209 00:09:51.399 --> 00:09:55.919 wasn't acting her best. She was really sad all the time. 210 00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:58.440 She was really angry all the time. It was more 211 00:09:58.519 --> 00:10:01.240 like that fear of we don't know what's going to be, 212 00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:03.200 And at one point she said she wants to be 213 00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:06.039 school out of town. We still wanted to keep her 214 00:10:06.039 --> 00:10:09.519 here because she was so young, she was twelve thirteen 215 00:10:09.559 --> 00:10:13.600 years old at that point. We wanted to make it 216 00:10:13.639 --> 00:10:15.559 easier for us, So my parents started becoming a little 217 00:10:15.600 --> 00:10:19.960 bit more lenient with her. But automatically O kids see 218 00:10:20.039 --> 00:10:22.679 almost say like, it's not fair. Why could she see 219 00:10:22.720 --> 00:10:25.440 this or do this? It was more like she watched 220 00:10:25.480 --> 00:10:28.200 Shirley Temple like one of them. So I guess that's 221 00:10:28.200 --> 00:10:31.399 where it started. Of course, it wasn't like a deep change, 222 00:10:31.519 --> 00:10:35.080 but it started more. Our whole family became more Yeah, 223 00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:39.480 and but firching for school? Should I even get into 224 00:10:39.559 --> 00:10:40.200 that whole thing? 225 00:10:40.360 --> 00:10:43.519 If you're comfortable talking about it, for sure, you can 226 00:10:43.559 --> 00:10:47.320 talk about it, okay, especially how it affected you with 227 00:10:47.399 --> 00:10:51.320 your younger sister. Going through such a difficult challenge in 228 00:10:51.360 --> 00:10:53.360 the from world, if you get kicked out of a 229 00:10:53.440 --> 00:10:57.039 school has especially repercussions because it can be really hard 230 00:10:57.039 --> 00:10:59.799 to find a new one, right, not only really hard, impossible, 231 00:11:00.080 --> 00:11:02.200 it's impossible because they won't accept you. 232 00:11:02.559 --> 00:11:06.559 And she was still fully fully religious, keeping everything like 233 00:11:07.360 --> 00:11:10.000 I'm telling you, I have no idea why they sent 234 00:11:10.039 --> 00:11:12.159 her out. The rest of us were still in there, 235 00:11:12.240 --> 00:11:16.039 and my mother tried all the other schools from that 236 00:11:16.200 --> 00:11:18.679 extreme to that extreme. Even at one point there was 237 00:11:18.799 --> 00:11:20.679 no school of Munthy that would take her, not a 238 00:11:20.720 --> 00:11:24.399 single one. And so we try like out like Lakewood 239 00:11:24.519 --> 00:11:28.200 or New Jersey, and they also refused. One of them said, 240 00:11:28.240 --> 00:11:31.200 we refuse to save the Nashamas of Munsey. Wow. 241 00:11:31.440 --> 00:11:33.759 Yeah, how do you feel when you think back to it. 242 00:11:33.720 --> 00:11:36.919 At that time? I feel like, right now everything is 243 00:11:36.960 --> 00:11:40.600 coming up, the resentment, the rejection, the betrayal, the you know, 244 00:11:40.639 --> 00:11:43.600 how can they do this? We're Jewish, we need your help. 245 00:11:44.080 --> 00:11:46.639 We went to many other people and we need people 246 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:49.120 to a sponsor to try to get her back into 247 00:11:49.120 --> 00:11:50.960 the school, and the prince was like, it's either me 248 00:11:51.080 --> 00:11:53.559 or her. She didn't even want to negotiate, and we 249 00:11:53.600 --> 00:11:55.960 went from person to person to person. Most of them 250 00:11:56.039 --> 00:11:59.279 charged money after like forty five minutes at like times off, 251 00:11:59.399 --> 00:12:01.759 I don't care do anything. Nobody did anything, and it 252 00:12:01.840 --> 00:12:04.639 just felt very It felt helpless. It felt like there 253 00:12:04.679 --> 00:12:06.919 was nobody out there that is going to help us. 254 00:12:06.960 --> 00:12:08.440 And we were on that journey where it was getting 255 00:12:08.440 --> 00:12:10.759 really really scary. We didn't know what the future is 256 00:12:10.759 --> 00:12:13.759 going to be going to bring. And then the house 257 00:12:13.799 --> 00:12:17.320 started becoming so different. It was a lot more tense, 258 00:12:17.440 --> 00:12:19.879 a lot more walking on eggshells around everybody, a lot 259 00:12:19.919 --> 00:12:21.600 more like the rest of the kids were kind of 260 00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:25.080 being pushed aside and the whole focus wasn't hers. So 261 00:12:25.159 --> 00:12:28.879 I my role was to take care of the other kids, 262 00:12:29.360 --> 00:12:35.480 and it was it was becoming like a real division. 263 00:12:35.519 --> 00:12:38.759 Because she wanted to go out of the state. First 264 00:12:38.799 --> 00:12:40.559 of my mother said like, no, absolutely, now, we're not 265 00:12:40.600 --> 00:12:43.320 sending you out of the state. We want we wanted 266 00:12:43.320 --> 00:12:45.039 her around, wanted her home as she was so young, 267 00:12:45.279 --> 00:12:49.320 but nobody was taking her. So we found school in Cincinnati, Ohio. 268 00:12:49.519 --> 00:12:52.759 So she went there in ninth grade, and it was 269 00:12:52.840 --> 00:12:56.159 really difficult because she's also very connected to her family. 270 00:12:56.200 --> 00:12:58.919 She was very homesick. It was very high level school 271 00:12:59.039 --> 00:13:02.279 and they weren't see this. It's very hard to connect 272 00:13:02.279 --> 00:13:05.200 to people that are not not from where you grew up. 273 00:13:05.399 --> 00:13:07.519 It's a different mentality, different way of thinking. She was 274 00:13:07.559 --> 00:13:09.799 not too happy over there, nothing to do with the school, 275 00:13:09.960 --> 00:13:14.600 it's just her home. She was already feeling so, you know, yeah, 276 00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:18.519 being sent out of one school, being rejected like I 277 00:13:18.519 --> 00:13:22.759 can't even imagine the pain of it. I never felt 278 00:13:23.039 --> 00:13:27.639 like that, but I felt rejection. I felt an outcast 279 00:13:27.759 --> 00:13:32.720 enough to know it. Oh what must go through somebody's 280 00:13:32.799 --> 00:13:35.600 head when they feel like the whole school just thought 281 00:13:35.679 --> 00:13:37.840 I can And the school that sent her out didn't 282 00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:40.279 even check back to see if she's okay, didn't check 283 00:13:40.279 --> 00:13:42.039 back to see maybe they can do something to find 284 00:13:42.039 --> 00:13:45.039 a different school, nothing like as if turned back completely. 285 00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:47.840 So then it was COVID and my sister came back 286 00:13:47.840 --> 00:13:50.679 from Cincinnati and afterwards they said like she shouldn't come back. 287 00:13:50.919 --> 00:13:54.120 So that was it. Then for the next year she 288 00:13:54.240 --> 00:13:57.519 started working. A lady hired her not to do just 289 00:13:57.559 --> 00:13:59.519 a little filing and that was that was amazing. 290 00:14:00.279 --> 00:14:02.879 Have many people, but those people that helped. 291 00:14:02.559 --> 00:14:05.120 Out, we remember, Yeah. 292 00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:07.919 Why do you think a community that is supposed to 293 00:14:07.919 --> 00:14:11.919 be so good about HASID and charity didn't come through 294 00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:12.360 for her. 295 00:14:12.600 --> 00:14:15.159 I don't want to say this without sounding too hateful, 296 00:14:15.279 --> 00:14:17.879 but the community is great with HASTID when it comes 297 00:14:17.919 --> 00:14:23.320 to physically sick people, cancer patients, if anybody cannot have children, 298 00:14:23.399 --> 00:14:25.879 if anybody that doesn't have any money. Out of all 299 00:14:26.080 --> 00:14:30.120 my personal experience from mine and my siblings. Nobody, there's 300 00:14:30.200 --> 00:14:33.240 no organization that helps for and not that I've heard 301 00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:35.440 of that offer it to try to get her into 302 00:14:35.480 --> 00:14:38.000 a school, try to fight on her behalf, try to 303 00:14:38.200 --> 00:14:41.240 fund different schools. The schools out of townhart so expensive. 304 00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:44.600 Nobody even to be home with us. It's like it's 305 00:14:44.639 --> 00:14:47.960 almost like having a sick sibling with parents that are 306 00:14:47.960 --> 00:14:49.799 not home all the time, just. 307 00:14:49.720 --> 00:14:52.360 Like is sick physically and the parents have to be 308 00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:53.120 out and running. 309 00:14:53.399 --> 00:14:55.600 We had that too. We were little kids along and 310 00:14:55.960 --> 00:14:58.240 there was nobody and only there was nobody. But there 311 00:14:58.279 --> 00:15:01.080 was the shame too. There's the blame. I've had friends 312 00:15:01.120 --> 00:15:05.080 dropping me because of her. We've all had neighbors. Little 313 00:15:05.159 --> 00:15:08.279 kids started like telling my brothers things like I saw 314 00:15:08.320 --> 00:15:10.600 your sister doing this, and so you sister doing that. 315 00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:12.799 So it's not only that they don't help, but you 316 00:15:12.919 --> 00:15:16.159 had that shame and the blame. Now they're getting better 317 00:15:16.200 --> 00:15:18.360 at it, but back then, it was a long time 318 00:15:18.399 --> 00:15:21.399 ago and it was like, oh, this person has a sister. 319 00:15:21.559 --> 00:15:24.200 That's like it was very embarrassing. What happened in your 320 00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:24.879 own life? 321 00:15:25.039 --> 00:15:28.559 Did you still get married in a regular marriage, like 322 00:15:29.240 --> 00:15:31.519 all of your friends in an arranged marriage. 323 00:15:31.759 --> 00:15:32.879 But that was that was later. 324 00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:35.480 First Josh went to another school and got sent out 325 00:15:35.519 --> 00:15:35.960 all these things. 326 00:15:35.960 --> 00:15:37.639 So where was I? And all this time I was 327 00:15:37.679 --> 00:15:40.320 still very like my way of dealing with it was 328 00:15:40.360 --> 00:15:45.480 going the opposite extreame becoming very religious like I would. 329 00:15:45.639 --> 00:15:47.879 I would read all kinds of like living a moona 330 00:15:47.919 --> 00:15:50.600 books like I tried to really like soak everything in 331 00:15:51.159 --> 00:15:54.159 to the to the opposite extreme. And yeah, so in 332 00:15:54.240 --> 00:15:56.440 school did it help Did it help you cold for 333 00:15:56.519 --> 00:15:59.559 the time? Yes, yes, it's kind of It's almost like 334 00:15:59.559 --> 00:16:02.120 a drug. Religion could be a drug. You can become 335 00:16:02.240 --> 00:16:04.840 so obsessed with it because you feel you feel. 336 00:16:06.559 --> 00:16:09.000 Yeah, So what you became fromer than the whole family? 337 00:16:09.440 --> 00:16:12.519 Did you boss others around with your like, don't do that? 338 00:16:12.759 --> 00:16:16.559 Never, No, I just became very like very from you know, 339 00:16:16.840 --> 00:16:20.799 very into yihud and very into I don't even remember 340 00:16:20.799 --> 00:16:23.200 what I would. It's more an internal thing like I would, 341 00:16:23.320 --> 00:16:27.320 you know, like how seminary girls thakha every second word 342 00:16:27.480 --> 00:16:29.320 that was me when I was I was in twelfth 343 00:16:29.320 --> 00:16:32.240 grade and I was completely but you know it was 344 00:16:32.279 --> 00:16:34.639 necessary for that time, Like I don't blame myself for 345 00:16:34.799 --> 00:16:38.279 doing that, because things at home were going so so 346 00:16:38.480 --> 00:16:42.159 wrong that like it was it was. It was so tough, 347 00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:44.200 and I needed to have something else to focus on 348 00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:45.519 other than what was going on. 349 00:16:45.840 --> 00:16:49.559 Yeah, yeah, did you feel like Hasham is on your 350 00:16:49.639 --> 00:16:51.120 side or your sister's side. 351 00:16:51.240 --> 00:16:54.840 I guess I didn't let myself think about it. I 352 00:16:54.919 --> 00:16:58.879 just I thought about in a very logical perspective. I 353 00:16:58.879 --> 00:17:02.159 grew up thinking like this, I am going to do 354 00:17:02.399 --> 00:17:05.519 x y Z because that what was. That's what was tolt. 355 00:17:05.799 --> 00:17:07.119 That's good, you know what I mean? 356 00:17:07.319 --> 00:17:09.799 They totally like, do x y Z and you're gonna 357 00:17:09.799 --> 00:17:11.000 be closer to Ssham. 358 00:17:11.079 --> 00:17:14.240 So I did that. I spoke to him, I would 359 00:17:14.359 --> 00:17:17.440 thank him. But it was always like out of out 360 00:17:17.480 --> 00:17:20.599 of fear, definitely not out of love. It was always like, okay, 361 00:17:20.680 --> 00:17:23.319 you know what, I know my family is doing certain things. 362 00:17:23.480 --> 00:17:23.880 Look at me. 363 00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:25.880 I'm good, So do good for the rest of the 364 00:17:25.960 --> 00:17:27.000 family because I'm good. 365 00:17:27.440 --> 00:17:29.000 That was kind of how I did everything. It's like, 366 00:17:29.039 --> 00:17:32.240 look like, I'm gonna gonna thank you. I'm gonna, you know, 367 00:17:32.440 --> 00:17:36.039 thank you out loud, and don't mind that my siblings don't. 368 00:17:36.119 --> 00:17:36.640 I wouldn't go. 369 00:17:39.720 --> 00:17:42.920 You know, it sounds I think a lot of people 370 00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:45.160 who will listen to this will be able to relate 371 00:17:45.559 --> 00:17:49.680 to a teenage experience where something goes awry and it's 372 00:17:49.799 --> 00:17:53.799 very painful and isolating. As you know, the a family 373 00:17:53.880 --> 00:17:58.000 that was wholesome starts to like unravel because something happened. 374 00:17:58.640 --> 00:18:02.039 Did you have like a confidant who you could talk 375 00:18:02.119 --> 00:18:04.759 to or how did you besides for your faith, how 376 00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:07.880 did you emotionally get through it? 377 00:18:09.200 --> 00:18:11.559 I had a therapist at that time, but I was 378 00:18:11.559 --> 00:18:14.200 so embarrassed that I didn't even tell her about these 379 00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:18.559 things that was going on. Years later, like remember telling her, 380 00:18:18.759 --> 00:18:21.759 you know this has been going on blessed two years ago, 381 00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:24.200 and she looked at me, like, didn't you say anything. 382 00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:26.759 In high school, I had a teacher that I spoke to, 383 00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:29.440 but I was I was rewarded a lot for being 384 00:18:29.519 --> 00:18:32.519 more from than everything, So that kind of fed that. 385 00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:34.599 It's more about that. It was more like they were 386 00:18:34.640 --> 00:18:35.759 giving me physics. 387 00:18:35.359 --> 00:18:38.559 To keep doing what I'm doing even. 388 00:18:38.319 --> 00:18:42.039 While everything else is just so. It was never about 389 00:18:42.160 --> 00:18:45.960 my emotions, but it was more like look at you. 390 00:18:45.960 --> 00:18:49.359 You know you're keeping strong. You're so connected to as 391 00:18:49.960 --> 00:18:52.079 anybody else in your shoes would have broken, but you 392 00:18:52.079 --> 00:18:53.279 are still so keep. 393 00:18:53.119 --> 00:18:55.039 Going, how do you feel saying it now? 394 00:18:56.400 --> 00:18:58.839 It's what I needed then, Yeah, you have to have. 395 00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:01.480 A tremendous amount of kindness and compassion when you looked 396 00:19:01.680 --> 00:19:03.079 back to what you needed. 397 00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:05.759 It's nobody good for me to think time I needed 398 00:19:05.759 --> 00:19:08.119 somebody to say, you know, just just be yourself. You 399 00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:11.160 can be angry. You don't have to. 400 00:19:10.680 --> 00:19:12.559 Be perfect, like nothing's going to happen. 401 00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:17.400