Speaker 1: Come ye, gather round, dirty come he did the game.
He join the questing is and charted join the ticy bast.
Speaker 2: Six writers face off.
Speaker 3: Buy a roll of the dice felt quite dirty, leaving.
Speaker 2: Nothing behind but figerprits and a tall tale stealing carts,
breaking fats with plenty of time to kill.
Speaker 4: And icybasts tensols ticing.
Speaker 1: You know the camp be chasty fasts.
Speaker 2: Come on and join the dice faster.
Speaker 3: Hey, there are any debian's junior adventures and friends. Welcome
to the next episodes of Authors and Dragons Presents The
Dicey Bastards. My name is MK Gibson, your host, dungeon
Master and author of such books as the Villain Comedy
shadow Master series and the Urban Supperpunk Technomancer series. Who
do we have with today? Well, we're missing somebody. Let's
figure out who it is. Let's start the beginning. Mister Bevan,
how are you, sir?
Speaker 5: Doing all right? How about yourself?
Speaker 2: I'm not batch?
Speaker 3: Thanks for asking.
Speaker 5: You're welcome all was I supposed to introduce myself now?
Speaker 6: Oh?
Speaker 2: All right?
Speaker 6: Sorry? How many years have we've been all right?
Speaker 5: Podcast? He usually asked me to introduce myself. This time
he just as today.
Speaker 3: I said, let's start with mister Bevan, how you doing?
Speaker 5: Hello?
Speaker 2: I'm good friends.
Speaker 5: Robert Bevin here, author of the Caverns and Creatures series
of comedy fantasy albums. Are short stories. Fuck you.
Speaker 3: And now we're demonetized.
Speaker 5: Ah yeah, all right. I played the role of Chorc,
the sous K, the sorcerer with the Moserer.
Speaker 3: There you go, all right, Jesus Christ. All right, Robert Bevan,
thank you very much. He man the other Robert Bevan,
Rick Walterry, how you doing, sir?
Speaker 6: I was doing okay until you call to me, Robert Bevan.
Speaker 3: Oh how would kick you down a mountain? Feel bad
about it? Ten years?
Speaker 6: Hey? Hey everyone, my name is Rick Bullterri and I
play Moog Noseblower. No, I'm not changing my name, but
I have a cold today, So if Moog sounds different,
that's not me just playing with voices. That's just because
I'm trying to keep from lake, you know, from dripping
mucus into my microphones. In real life, I write several things,
but the thing you should care about most is Time Chaser.
That is my very first lit RPG slash gamelt slash
whatever you want to call that that genre that won't
get you sued. And it is coming out on Thursday,
the twenty twenty fourth, so you should check it out.
Speaker 3: Fantastic, sirah, good luck on the good luck on the launch,
ms kaplan.
Speaker 7: How are you, hey, everybody, it's Drew Hayes, author of
such books. A. No, it's Emily Hi. I'm playing Claudia
and I write mystery books like the Josie Tucker Mystery series,
so you should check those out.
Speaker 3: Fantastic. I see that way too many times, and I'm
always gonna say it last, but not least, mister Weather
or how are you, sir?
Speaker 2: Dune Okay, Gibby, no trick name, no nasal inconsistencies, same
old Steve, same old Stan, Dandy Liver hero fief. Well
we'll see about that. And in real life, I write
books such as pick One at Random, The Doom Say It,
Journey's with File Staff Book. Check that out. It's a
good time.
Speaker 3: All right now. It means, by a process of elimination,
we are down one Drew Hayes today. And this is
a fun fact. Every morning when I get up, I check,
I get my coffee, and I check my sales and
I checked my reviews and I clicked on myself today
for Audible and it showed my book names and in
Drew's picture. So he's been banned for today. Fuck that guy,
all right, this is a true story I shared like
son of a bitch. Anyway, before we get into all that,
I would take a moment to till all of you
listening that if you're not already part of the A
and D family thing, you are missing out. Head over
patreon dot com slash Authors and Dragons to check out
the various tears, all kinds of perk and at just
the five bucks a month. Here you can join our
discard chat with hundreds of frants and the authors live
a little, tell a joke, be part of the family,
or head over Authors and Dragons dot com check out
our merch leaks a tee public for some really cool merch. Now, Steve,
isn't there? We have a currently we have a U
as a kicksutter Indigogo will be going on for the
for the comic.
Speaker 2: That's right, gimbe indiego go Kickstarter for issue four of
Chronicles of Calamity. We sold out of the original j
LDR to pretty quickly, so we've done a new one. Yeah,
if you want to have yourself drown as an NPC
on four by four inch card by the man himself, yeah,
donate to that tier. Not only will he take your
selfie turning it into the NPC class species vibe you desire,
but we'll also use that NPC in a podcast down
the line. Now that you know that might mean anything,
We might see you in a tavern. We might stab
you to death. I don't know how it's going to go.
We never know.
Speaker 3: Can we stab them to death in a tavern?
Speaker 2: Well, it's a world of fantasy and magic, Gibbe, and
seeing as that can happen anytime in real life. And
see why let's doing.
Speaker 6: Anybody we know who's gonna be on this podcast, we're
surrounding them and we're all casting web.
Speaker 3: It's just like that image of the gentleman the lady
on the couch moving on.
Speaker 2: All right, there is there is no guarantee I should
stress for legal or reasons. There is no guarantee that
you will be web booka eat on the podcast. But
there's also no guarantee that you want.
Speaker 3: Okay, greetings, all this is Connie stands conscience. How are
you In the last episode, we we.
Speaker 2: Actually I still have a fucking conscience.
Speaker 3: Do yesel I? I'm always here and unfortunately I let
you let you do most of the talking. Now it's
my time to talk, so shut.
Speaker 6: The fuck up.
Speaker 3: We accidentally split the party, having the Dicey Bassards in
the middle of a moral quandary. After Kubert the Expedient
rejoined the group. Via some monkey business, our crew of
would be heroes tracked the source of the curse to
an underground layer beneath the ruins of old East Cherry.
They discovered a trio of hags who had formed a
coven and were manipulating the manipulating, that's hard to say,
the citizens of West Cherry through magic drugs and corrupted use,
much like the glory days of rock and roll. In
an attempt to bribe and gaslight, the hags offered the
dicey Bastards way too much treasure while telling them that
everything that they seem was not that big a deal,
a prank, really just a way to make money in
these trying times. While Moog seemed to listen and Jorcer
enjoyed a cocaine rub steak stand, Claudia Kubert, We're not
having any of this malarkey. After discovering another cave with
both enthralled youths and some kept in cages, the dicey
bastards have had some habits, have some tough decisions before them,
and that's where we picked back up.
Speaker 2: Cannot just interrupt Ghibbee because trio of hags sounds like
an English doesert, sounds like something you'd have with cuss.
Speaker 3: Did you have the you know, it's like it's the
three haggis dish. You know, it's the trio of hags.
It's like it's the various hags, different regions and it's
all just gonna make you sick. So and I'm in
for it.
Speaker 2: Gets a duck in, but it's all Intestine.
Speaker 3: Has her ducking sheep inside of ox, inside of goat.
Speaker 6: Just on our They should they should adopt hag is
like as a I guess a substitute for another word
that rhymes with that, because it sounds better if you say,
I'm gonna go outside and smoke a hag.
Speaker 2: Yeah, not much better, well not much. I mean, it's
got more in common with my Saturday night. But you know,
I'm gonna smoke that hag.
Speaker 5: I'd rather suck on a fag myself.
Speaker 3: See guy in there right out, you modetize that a
British cigarette. We're already demonetizing a ship.
Speaker 2: All right, Yeah it was that coming back from it.
Speaker 3: Okay, so uh, since we have the party is currently split,
we'll just for the sake of narrative, here what we'll do.
We'll jump over real fast to where we left Kebert
Claudia and stand you eyes were standing inside of blah
blah blah blah bum where'd you go? You went right here?
Speaker 2: All right?
Speaker 3: Now I left it. I should be left to bucket
on the screen server to cold see. Yes, you three
were standing inside of this area right here.
Speaker 2: That's right. I believe we had just seen the horrific
reality of the This is not quite as whimsical as
the teenage Mutant Ninja titles movies promised it would be.
Speaker 3: They have food, they've got gold piles, places asleep, they
got bunks, they got cool things to climb it. I
mean it's in a bucket the pisson, So I mean,
I I don't know, man, this sounds pretty good to me.
Speaker 2: Casey Jones is just gonna storm and he stopped beating
these kids in a baseball bad.
Speaker 3: Monkey because Drew's not with us. The last thing he
told us was he is going to get out of
here and go look for help. So we're going to
remove Kabert from this map. He's going to tell your friends. Hey, guys,
I'm going to wild shape out here.
Speaker 2: This is too much that be our here.
Speaker 3: Okay, you've gone go for it and scene.
Speaker 2: Stan Uh, you can wild shape, so you could probably
get out heead safest you go for help. Me and
Claudia would do some road shit.
Speaker 8: Okay, Stan, you're the best stat I'm sorry my picture
popped up on Gibbie's search profile today. I'm God trying
to take over. I swear to God.
Speaker 7: I'm I'm way too tall.
Speaker 8: I'm actually three.
Speaker 3: Claudia is on a trench coat. All right, all right,
so we are going to you know what, just boom
delete there you have the I have that power boof
he wild shapes and do I don't know, even though
we can't fly, I'm not sure at this level. Is
he's just gonna turn into a monkey, a crotch biting,
crotch monkey, crotch attacking and scramble the fuck out of
here and run his happy ass back to West Sherry
and search for help, leaving the two of you alone. Uh,
some of the kids, there's one or two million about,
but most of them look like they are they remember
these are kids. They're active during the day. Excuse me,
they're active a night so they've been sleeping during the
day and uh, you know, nighttime, so they're starting to rouse.
Speaker 7: I realized we know a lot more about what's going
on now that we're actually looking at these kids. But
Claudia's digging around in her bag for the the mirror.
She doesn't have it anymore. You know that the tortal
ball viewer.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm more your magical mirror that you got after
exchanging some of your goo organs, and you actually.
Speaker 2: Not as it's not as primary papose.
Speaker 3: It's the viewing glass of crotch staring.
Speaker 7: It's like one of those TVs are monitors that you
leave on an image too long and it's just burnt,
burnt in the image.
Speaker 3: No, her, the upskirt guys puts the shoe, the mirror
on the shoe, but you exclusively be tortleballs.
Speaker 7: So Stan, do you happen to have the mirror? I
can't remember I'm giving it to you, but I want
I'm wondering if it will help us figure out more
stuff about what's going on here.
Speaker 3: I assume you're not going to do this standing in
front of all these children. I assume you're going to
retreat back into.
Speaker 2: The main No, give you. Technically, we have permission to
be here. What I'm going to do is I'm going
to bring out from my inventory a piece of paper
and a quill. And I think, didn't I stop Claudia
from selling the mirror? So okay, yeah, I'll give it back.
I wasn't. I wasn't stealing it. It's fine, Okay, I
will return the mirror, all right.
Speaker 7: I don't know what you're doing with the paper. They're
writing letters, maybe emails.
Speaker 2: It's a quick tip for a subterfuge. If you march
confidently into any area with a clipboard and a pet,
people think you belong there.
Speaker 7: Watched the look in her mirror, all right, So.
Speaker 3: You spend the next minute gazing into the mirror to
activate the ability. So what are you looking into specifically? Well, no, mom, no.
Speaker 7: No, we're talking about.
Speaker 2: Really scraping the demonetization today.
Speaker 6: We're gonna owe them money.
Speaker 3: At the end of this one, he means beach balls.
Speaker 7: No, no, she wants to know more, like about the
hags and just okay, whatever this whole situation.
Speaker 3: Okay, you gaze into the mirror like your ropper stopper
bompa booth. Then you're staring into the mirror. And this,
if I remember correctly about the magic item, it gives
you information desparately. It bounces, so it's not necessarily linear stories.
So you get imagery of these three sisters, uh well sisters.
In the former they all formed a coven that you
see flashes of the Faye wild, a mystical realm where
fairies and magic exist. That's not this plane of being.
You get images, quick images of this realm of variables.
You get you get God damn it. You get images
of this realm where they there was once a thriving
a city called East Cherry where once again they were
selling drugs and magic items and cherries the locals until
things went bad and they had to burn it down.
Then you flash to West Cherry where this started up again,
where the Annas Hag. She has been masquerading as the
mayor for both cities for the last near one hundred years.
You get the images of Sleepy Jane as the Night
as the dream Hag who's been making sure that staying,
keeping the kids locked to control through the powers of
their dreams. You get images of the Green Hag controlling
the corruption of the of the woods around. You get
an image of them once again back in the Fave Realm,
trying to come to this rim of being. And then
you get this image of them in this plane of being,
in the room that you were just in, placing three
crystal balls down around their magic circle and locking them
into place, and you have a sense of that as
what's anchoring them to this plane of being. You get
a feeling that through all this imagery that the something
is tethering them to this, to this plane of being
in this world, and that one of them, the Green Hag,
is not happy with their sisters. You get an image
of her, just the two sisters laughing at her, and
her just like I just want to be done with
these with these people. I just want to go on
my own. And then the images stop. The magic time's out,
and that's all the images you get from the Magic Mirror.
Speaker 7: Holy shit, that was a huge that was a very
complicated TV show, Stan, I hope you were watching because
I'm not a great communicator. Don't ask me to Yeah,
the plot, except for I think we can convert the
Green Lady to our side.
Speaker 2: It does seem to be a bit of drama there,
a bit of desperate hagwives going nice.
Speaker 3: There's the title of the io. All right, all right,
so while you two do your thing that I do.
Speaker 2: What's something I do need to clarify, Gabby, I remember that,
much to my horrified surprise, Jewels jewelstre is telepathic. We
discovered last yeah week out of fucking no way.
Speaker 3: Uh, I believe the exact quote was. I'm gonna bear
in mind some on his to him telepathy? What the
fuck was I believe with.
Speaker 6: What? Yeah?
Speaker 2: It's was it just Stan? He relayed the message too, Yes, okay,
and I'm gonna quickly relate to Courdia. By the way,
Jostra's telepathic, I know it fucked up. I don't know
how I feel about that. But he thinks he's got
some kind of plan with these hags. I don't think
he does. I think they're going to die. But just
so you know, Joecera is on top of things in
his own way.
Speaker 7: How do I know if I have crazy thoughts that
they're my own or not? Or George, Well, that's.
Speaker 2: What I've been thinking. This has really fucked up my weight,
to be honest, more than the child slave.
Speaker 3: So while you two have this discussion, we're gonna pop
over to our friends on the other map. So that's
how I uh, that's how enslavey children is not that
bad a thing, because truthfully, they're they're they're great labor
as long as you treat them right. And then the
Anastad continues this on with you and Moog and Jorcier.
The dream Hag is ordering getting another steak? Would you
like another another cocaine rub steak? There, mister joyesper what
actually goes over and starts whipping up another steak. The
Green Hag is kind of standing off by our own,
just frustrated, and the other two like, oh, just settle down.
It's like she's like, it's it's getting late. That's time
for the kids to do their thing. You know, I've
got to prepare the the woods so they can get
through easily, and you've got to get them, got to
get them ready to do their little riot tonight and
they're like, yes, yes, dinner first dinner first. So that's
where you two are at. So Moog and George, what
whulch like to do?
Speaker 6: We will stand up and be like, oh, Oog appreciates
all of the free stuff you have given Mog, so.
Speaker 3: Not free, dary, we have bought your services.
Speaker 6: Well, of course.
Speaker 5: Any actual services are just like what service is exactly?
All I remember is we were just not going to
be hostile.
Speaker 3: Well, we want you to go back to the Adventuring
Guild and let them know. Just there's go back to
West Cherry. There's an Adventuring Guild there. Representative. He may
or may not be alive, that's not don't worry about that.
Just get his communicator and let them know that the
problems in West Chairry has been solved and there is
no call off any search that they Just let them
know it's all as well as here and they can
move on to other business.
Speaker 6: Okay, move, move exactly. Remember that when move gets to
be warlock too, you know, Moog will definitely take that
information and relay and not do anything to like you know,
to to betray new friends, because that would be terrible.
That would be something only Elf would do it and
move obviously not Elf. Well we're not, I.
Speaker 5: Mean we're not. We can still betray them as long
as we do all the things that we agreed to do.
Speaker 3: Okay, are you telling them with your I will.
Speaker 5: Think it, yes, I will think it to uh moo.
Speaker 2: I just keep from thinking of it like h like
a care ping. But it's just an image of a naked,
chubby do georser.
Speaker 6: Who's looking at that plus one act wonder wondering if
you can, if you can just split his own skull.
Speaker 3: Open like a zoo's getting a thien out of his head.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, yeah, your reference is a little bit more
classy than mine.
Speaker 6: Givvy, I'll give you that.
Speaker 3: Well, whatever it is you guys want to do, all right,
dares you are right, And it's about time for us
to go to bed now. Uh no that you know,
since we have a connection to you, we can find
you if you try to betray us. Well know where
you're at. We've establish a connection. So I'm going to
bed now, and the children are going do their thing.
And she walks over and she dials her orb here,
and she dials her orb and she dials her orb
and the big one gets in her bed over here,
and she gets over in her bed, and the green
one one those who get in it. She starts going
to bed. Uh, moog and georser give me be perception.
Speaker 5: Checks all right, okay, coming up.
Speaker 3: Moo gets a natural one acts you're all it's only
about that axe and like, and the fact is George
has been in your brain and you're wondering just how
much has he seen? Yeah, he did it twelve pretty easy.
The green one is pointing to you, guys and and
pointing towards this circle. And when the sisters not that
circle all right, uh and then she points she's points
to you guys and points to that circle. Is like,
get in the get in the circle. And then she
goes and gets in her bed, and all three of them,
almost on instinct, just naturally through powers that be, start
to fall asleep, or at least they appear to. The
green one is still watching guys, Yeah, I mean you well,
not like you see like a vampire fall asleep, just like.
Speaker 6: Like, well, so didn't see her gesturing inside the circle,
but just curious. So he's gonna go over to one
of the orbs, okay and try turning it.
Speaker 3: Okay, uh, give me a constitution saving throw.
Speaker 6: Natural one natural one.
Speaker 2: Tonight.
Speaker 3: This was just my This is always fun to me,
all right, So take seven to chronic damage to your
your to your good hand.
Speaker 5: Perhaps don't do that.
Speaker 2: Shitty used a bad head.
Speaker 5: I don't know. I've been paid handsomely. I think I
will follow orders. Perhaps we should step into the circle.
Well why because the green Hag told me to.
Speaker 3: In the head, not out loud.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, I guess that's a good idea.
Speaker 3: You feel free to middle about but shut up.
Speaker 6: Hearing voices move hearing that voice, I mean it could
be worse, could be moves just like muttering to himself.
Now all right, yes, go ahead.
Speaker 5: I will point to my own head and then point
to him to let him know that I'm speaking telepathically. Okay,
and then I'll point to the circle and repeat myself.
Speaker 6: Okay, not going on, but but but if we'll stop
voice moogle, step into circle.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 2: I love how you didn't say anything to have bed.
And if we just for the rest of the podcast,
every time you say something telepathically, just don't say out
loud so the audience don't hear it. And then I'll
be like I'm repeating myself.
Speaker 6: I means said the thing.
Speaker 3: We should just leave a silence, so YouTube step into
the circle, will come back to you at a moment,
switching back over to okay YouTube Uh. After a moment,
all the kids stand up and in fact, I'm just
going to grab them all too hard to make them
all just stand up. So all these kids immediately, as
if very weirdly, they all stand up and begin shifting.
They're coming towards you, but not at you. They are
just filtering through the door.
Speaker 7: Do you see that? That was like a flock, like
a school, like a group.
Speaker 2: A pack of asshosts. Yes, morning stuff, shine, wakey wakey
eggs and baky don't mind us wait here with the
Hanks permission.
Speaker 3: There's almost like they're in a trance. They are not
paying attention to you as they one by one filter
past you and go.
Speaker 2: Out they go. They could be in they could be
in a trance. Give they could just be teenagers.
Speaker 3: They one by one they walk past you. They're leaving
only these three behind. There's three kids up here, one
who are standing guard, and these children who do not
have masks, who are behind this wooden Portcullis who are
in this close to the fire, But yeah, they all
filter out this way. Do you want to poke out
back into the main hallway to see where they go?
Speaker 4: Or?
Speaker 3: Are you good?
Speaker 5: Uh?
Speaker 2: It's well, it seems to be one we've been left.
I guess a good opportunity to explore this Okay, but
I suppose we should also now you know what, I
think this is a perfect opportunity to explore this room,
see what's been going on.
Speaker 3: I go for it.
Speaker 6: Okay.
Speaker 7: I have been told I'm not allowed I should not
be killing any more kids.
Speaker 2: So they're sitting ducks right now, infuriating.
Speaker 7: So she's she's gonna kind of keep still in the
corner and observe.
Speaker 3: Okay, all right, my kids who are still there, Uh,
you are not marked as hostile by the hags yet,
so they're feel free. What do you want to do?
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm gonna get a little bit more background information.
I says, two tiers of kids here, one that seems
to be doing a lot better than the other. We're
going to go talk to Actually, we're going to go
talk to one of the guards. Okay, So I'm going
to climb up this ladder.
Speaker 3: Okay, you climbed the ladder. Now it's a narrow ledge
up there. You don't know if they have kids. So
now I'm not gonna make your role for it. I'm
not gonna have a good jerk. It's wide enough.
Speaker 2: We're all against just his old man Vertigo. No.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're usually twenty five feet off the ground.
Speaker 2: So yeah, I'm not being hostile to this guy. I'm
not planning to engage him.
Speaker 1: Change that.
Speaker 7: Cloudy's going to fall along on the bottom of the wall.
Speaker 2: Okay, have a falling and a fall in Claudia. It's
gonna be fine. So they had a sports how's it going?
So did you have a good what a the kids
called sleeping these days? Sleep sleep? Yeah?
Speaker 6: Still sleep?
Speaker 2: Okay, cool? Did you have a good sleep? Cool? Cool
col I'm a cool guy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we you know I slept during the day, dude,
what's up?
Speaker 4: Uh?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just set in by the hag. So we've
got something of the arrangement going on. Obviously, you guys
don't want adventurers just turning up and ruining what you've
got going on here. We're supposed to go back to
the guild and basically tell them what we've solved the problem,
but unfortunately we can't just drag a load of like
child corpses back with us. I think they will freak
people out. Yeah, so I'm looking for some sort of
I guess token. I suppose that we can show the
adventure Gil to see that we've solved a problem up
here in sea town or whatever you kids call it.
Speaker 3: I God, I want to push you off this wall
so bad for saying that.
Speaker 2: Radical did.
Speaker 3: He kind of flickses. He does the hair flick kind
of thing, like, oh god, oh dude, that's that's like
above my pay grade. You got to go talk to
gam Gam and the anties for that. Like, I'm just
the kids, I mean, until these other kids, except you know,
gam GAM's tokens are supposed to stay behind the wall
here or else. They get you know, cooked, and uh,
I mean I didn't think I was gonna not eat kids,
but you know, you know, gam Dam is right, you know,
with a little bit of like rub on, it's not
so bad. And then the elf kids taste, they kind
of taste the best. They're kind of free range.
Speaker 2: So I've had that. Yeah, yeah, it kind of organic.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, it's.
Speaker 2: Very lean you kids and your uh your ethical consumption
of conscious being.
Speaker 3: Can't leave behind.
Speaker 2: Man, you know, no, yeah, you've got to. We're gotta
save the rights. Not right, I mean how.
Speaker 3: They got a lower your footprint.
Speaker 2: That's true, psychotic and true. Speaking of tokens, you probably
mean the mask and the wand right.
Speaker 3: Well, I mean the wands are yeah, I mean that's
what Gam, Gam and the nannies give us. But you know,
like I listen, man, I want to be outraging with
my friends, but three because some of us have to
stay behind. It's me, it's our turn.
Speaker 2: I know exactly how you feel. I'd be out there
myself if I was, you know, even remotely inclined to be.
Speaker 3: See my last year once to turn sixteen, I got
to go be an adult and that sucks. So I
want to like party, It does suck.
Speaker 2: Kiss, You're not wrong now, I see where you're coming from.
It's awful. And so these ones you've got to give
to these kids. Do you have any spare that I
could take to the Adventure and Guild just to sort
of proof that you guys are you know, taken care of.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a whole table full of them with Gam
gammon the antis and staying. So there was a table
full of ones that you're the wor in the other
room when you were before.
Speaker 2: So excellent. Okay, Well, now that I hope that I've
ingratiated myself of this teenager enough.
Speaker 3: You're gonna choke the shuttle not in a weird way.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, he's right, I'm going to go over to
the one table. Actually, I will say him, just so
I don't accidentally blow my old man's hands off. What's
the activation for these ones?
Speaker 6: Uh?
Speaker 3: You got to like attune to it and then just
say magic missile.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, that's uh yeah, and how many can can
you attune?
Speaker 6: Too? Well?
Speaker 3: I mean like, well, you tune to the wand and
once a day it shoots a like a little like
a second kind of a little a little more a
little bit more powerful than basic magic missile. Like we
just use to knock people out and it's fun and
you get to tea bag them.
Speaker 2: Well cool. Yeah, I don't want to, you know, accidentally,
you know, attune myself to fifty ones for example, if
I had them all in the same bag, right, yeah,
but you know, I'll give it a go anyway.
Speaker 3: And Stan while you're doing that. The other kids over
here are looking at you and like, give me a
perception check.
Speaker 2: I'll see if I can.
Speaker 3: Now that works fantastic.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 3: What's weird is each one of them is looking at
you and screaming, at least they look like they are,
but no sound is coming from beyond that wall behind
this wooden palace. This wooden palace, it here, this little prison.
Everything inside there's some to be silent, but these kids
are all crying and screaming, and they're very clearly saying help.
Speaker 2: Clearly distressed. Okay, yeah, right, And how high is this wooden.
Speaker 3: You're actually above them here, so you're about twenty five
feet here. This is about a twenty This wall is
about twenty foot give or take, and then the palisades
is about another like another like seven feet above that,
so the kids can't climb out, and they're all kind
of like they're stuck behind this, you know. So yeah,
you could jump down into there if you wanted to.
Speaker 7: I don't have my rope from from down below. Claudia.
It's gonna shout up and ask Stan how close is
the guard to eighteen?
Speaker 2: Oh, I will look at the sixty year I'll go trust.
Speaker 6: Me, buddy.
Speaker 3: The Emily just outdd you for wrong content there.
Speaker 2: I gon say to Tena to trust me, but it's
not what you think. I'm going to go down and
say to Claudia. Okay, I have I have the concept
of a plant in Claudia. There's some kids in there
who clearly haven't been brainwashed. But I don't think we
can get some without a rope. But I think there
are fifty magic missile ones over there, and I'm hoping
I can jimmy together a device that I'm gonna call
a clusterfuck. So we're going to split up. I'm going
to very casually go over there and start building the clusterfuck.
I want you to not murder children. Can't stress that enough.
That's not what I want you to do. But if
you have got any ideas for maybe getting these non
corrupted kids out of here, I'm all it.
Speaker 7: Oh so I need to save kids now, Well.
Speaker 3: We always needed to save kids, this is now, Claudia.
Just bear in mind, there are piles of treasure everywhere,
just shiny mounds of gold and copper and silver and
food and treasure. Light lighting your rogue yourself. No, I'm
gotta be completely unfair and honest DM here.
Speaker 7: So yeah, okay, okay, so is the wall and cocaine.
Speaker 3: There's a pilot cocaine here. There's a pilot cocaine here.
Speaker 2: Huh, Claudia, I'm gonna trust you to get on with
finding out how to save these kids as best you
know how. I'm sure you won't disappoint me. I won't
come back here to find you drowned in golden cokeine.
Speaker 7: Well, I think I think he said that the white
powder slash cocaine gives a boost to con Maybe it
was con I don't remember.
Speaker 3: Near sterityarity you you're already faked like a cocaine.
Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure he said the cocaine makes me invincible
to consequence.
Speaker 7: Yeah, well, she's not gonna die. She might catch on fire, but.
Speaker 2: That's the it's the next.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and this is not quite the Dare episode we
were hoping for.
Speaker 3: It's cocaine is great.
Speaker 2: What are you gonna do?
Speaker 3: Okay, you're young, your heart can take it.
Speaker 7: You might, I'm not.
Speaker 3: The thing is like like the only thing is like
Claudia's heart barely beats if if it also when on
the cocaine. It does like once or twice, so you
feel twice as alive and you're on it. So I
give you extra for the sake of this. Again, this
is not real cocaine. It is distilled potions of speed
powder cut down and it gives you like an extra bone.
It gives you an extra action.
Speaker 6: Uh.
Speaker 3: The end of it, you have to take a constitution
check make sure your heart doesn't stop.
Speaker 2: So, yeah, you hear that YouTube monetization board. It's not
real cocaine.
Speaker 7: It's a magic.
Speaker 3: Yes, it's speed in powder form. Yeah, okay, okay.
Speaker 7: So the wooden wall you said, is there any kind
of opening? How did they get in there?
Speaker 4: Uh?
Speaker 3: It looks like what the what they would do is
low raise or lower ladder from the upper platform down
into this lower tier where they're at.
Speaker 5: Uh.
Speaker 3: There also appears to be what a device, a lever
like device over here on this far under the wall,
right above the oven.
Speaker 7: Oh hey, I can go over there. I just have
to get past mister. I'm not eighteen yet.
Speaker 2: I remember they think we're supposed to be here. I'll
give her my I'll give her my parchment of paper
and pen.
Speaker 6: Just remember the age of consent berries.
Speaker 2: Okay, so don't listen to me.
Speaker 3: So she's gonna who is this YouTube standing on? Keep
it on track?
Speaker 7: She'd like to go up the ladder. Uh huh, I
mean obviously there's oh hang on, could she get it?
Speaker 2: She can't?
Speaker 7: Could she get it? Like a snookful of the white powder?
Speaker 3: You can take a bump. Yeah, you can think a bump,
Yeah for it.
Speaker 2: Gonna do that, just a quick bub.
Speaker 7: It's gonna do that. Then she's gonna scale the ladder
back up.
Speaker 3: And really fast.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Like I said, you have a lot of great ideas
and none of them are good.
Speaker 2: So you just need to make this entire tedious process
of saving kidnap children just a little bit more interesting.
Speaker 7: So, yeah, this is a kid here, but greater good
and gotta save the ones down there.
Speaker 3: Yep.
Speaker 7: So she's gonna go over and actually just shove him down.
Speaker 3: Oh Jesus Christ, all right, but.
Speaker 7: Walking really fast like it was an accident.
Speaker 3: Oh like you're so give me okay, give me a
deception check to make sure it looks like you're not
an attack again, this is you are trying oops at
thirteen and I see, let me roll this kid's perception.
So he's he's trying to he'll do an insight roll
against that. Yeah, he knows you're bullshit.
Speaker 6: He falls.
Speaker 3: Okay, give me an attack role to see if you
here's the thing, No, you know what? Give me does
an athletics athletic either athletic or strength. This is your
just him athletics yep, versus his dexterity. Okay, athletics versus
his dexterity. He beats you, so he stays on the wall.
He knows that you just made an aggressive movement for
you and it's about what's what they say is on.
But we're gonna come back to that. Jorceper and Moog.
Speaker 5: We shouldn't have stepped that.
Speaker 2: Okay, you still can't believe we had one conversation about
not killing kids and you just kidding.
Speaker 3: Help he was killed kids, Okay, not dead. Georcer and
Moove skivty oops, skivty oops. You guys step through the
portal and end up in what appears to be uh
the master bedroom of the Mayor's mansion, which also turns
about to be a sex dungeon god improvement.
Speaker 5: That's odd. The bedroom is the least sexy place in
this place.
Speaker 3: So once you guys step in and through the green
hag pop right behind your like. Okay, we don't have
a lot of time. I need you guys to get ready.
Speaker 5: All right, I'll take my clothes, appreciate that, but move
move into.
Speaker 3: Like women not Georcier dropped his mumu. He's always okay.
He was bored ready, Dary, well, you know, well it
has been a while. If we have time, If we
have time, I okay, listen, you too, keep the gear.
I don't give a shit. As long as I'm not
part of my sisterhood, they don't have We only have
extra magic when we are a trio. As long as
I am not with them, they don't have extra magic.
They are very tough physically. I don't want to be
here anymore. I just want you guys to let me go. Okay.
I just want to take my cocaine and go deal
with other places. I want to sell magic items and
I want to leave.
Speaker 6: I don't know.
Speaker 3: I don't want to corrupt kids. I just want to
go and run around this world. The fay wild sucks.
This material plane is great. I love being here. I
don't want to do this anymore. So if you let
me go. I will gladly back away and they'll be
They won't have spells, but they'll be hardest ship physically
to fight. Okay, Moo moo will if I'm if I'm
in proximity with them, they have when we are in
proximity to each other, you us have extra magic.
Speaker 6: Okay, yeah, so Moog offer, you counter counter offer. Out
there there was old ladies selling cocaine.
Speaker 3: Yes, that was me.
Speaker 6: Okay, I'm pee Greta.
Speaker 2: She does the voice.
Speaker 6: No, that's me. Okay, give me give me magical hand
that you were that you were trying to sell, and
we will consider it deal.
Speaker 3: Go take it from my cart. I don't care. I'm
not there right now.
Speaker 6: Okay, Moog will leave, will leave his magical hand, which was.
Speaker 3: Okay, you jump out the second floor window. You it's
it's it's a it's amazing.
Speaker 1: Down.
Speaker 3: But you jump Did you jump out the window?
Speaker 8: Moog?
Speaker 3: By the way, this is the direction you want to go.
That's the back end of the mansion on top of
the hill, so you're gonna take some fall damage.
Speaker 6: I'll take the stairs.
Speaker 3: Okay exactly.
Speaker 2: He's like, fine and immediately jumps out of the window.
Speaker 5: Okay, I guess, yeah, I guess we'll have to uh
you know, take a ran check on this.
Speaker 3: Uh my, I have time, you know, and I don't.
Speaker 5: My companions just jumping out of wad. Go go do
what you gotta do.
Speaker 6: Move's just going down get give himself a hand, all.
Speaker 5: Right, So you're gonna run. You're gonna run back like
an order. So I don't really want to fuck this
green hack.
Speaker 3: Okay, So you two decide you're going to like, you're
gonna leave the mansion, right yep, now we had stund
It's okay, perfect, Well, here's like you will fight them though,
you will fight my sisters. This swear if you succeed,
I will I'll be your fath patron. If you still
want to do this thing, just you've got to kill them. Okay,
I don't want to be part of this anymore. Do
you swear?
Speaker 5: Yeah? I'm all for this. I think our compantents will
also be on board.
Speaker 6: If Moo gets free hand, then Mook swears.
Speaker 3: Okay, if you just go get okay, so give me.
Are you being honest or you being Are you lying?
Speaker 2: Jost is still nude?
Speaker 3: Definitely, I'm gonna hurry all right, So are you leaving
the movement behind? No, I'll carry it, okay, all right?
Speaker 5: Also, yes, I do want that wharlof level say yeah,
she agrees to be the patron.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she will be the patron.
Speaker 3: She will she will be your fae patron. If that's
but that's the kind of warl like, you have to
be on the next level up. Okay, So you two
will run just for the sake of the map. You
two will run down the stairs to here, to the
first floor of the mayor's mansion. Uh, there's a butler,
a araic coca butler as a birdman, staring at you, like,
excuse me, where's the mayor? Did she? Did she have
another one of her escapades? Are you guys? Okay? Do
you need healing? Because she could be kind of rough.
I know that room is rough.
Speaker 6: Up o neat healing? All right?
Speaker 3: Uh, he's going to Okay, he will cast cure wounds
on both of you.
Speaker 2: Both of you will get no questions asked.
Speaker 3: No, because he's seen this before. If that sex dungeon
is rough, so uh moog take nine on plus plus six,
so fifteen healing and George for a take nineteen healing.
Speaker 5: I'll bend over and say she touched me here.
Speaker 3: All right, so George back to full. I don't know
if that puts you back.
Speaker 6: With the full Moog, now it doesn't, but good enough.
Speaker 3: Okay, Now you guys, he stepped aside, and he goes like,
be careful. It's nighttime, so the kids are out and about,
so not care about the kids. Okay, cool, I'm gonna
that's even better. So uh, okay, you guys do that.
Now we're gonna one second put you here, and you
guys will appear.
Speaker 6: I'll just I will just point out Moog's promise was
entirely contingent on getting that hand.
Speaker 3: So understood, so you guys are going to be again.
This is not to scale, but we're.
Speaker 2: Just just a secret of gold.
Speaker 3: Where'd I put that stuff?
Speaker 6: And then I guess we should see if that portal
goes back to where we were well or if we
just have to like slaughter like a town full of kids. Water.
Claudia made that promise. Move did not.
Speaker 2: Related on that promise.
Speaker 3: Okay, So all right, cool, you guys. Bam, you come
out of the Mayor's mansion up there, but the buckets
there to see it. You guys come out of the
Mayor's mansion boom, and a glowing portal appears uh in
the in the town's uh water water fountain, there are
the well which links back to the portal, like Claudia
and Stan missed them were like back of the main entrance.
And then all of a sudden, all the kids had
flooded out from uh. All the kids that had flooded
out of the waiting room where standing Claudia been, how
are now in the town proper, running around doing mischief
and doing the same thing they did the first night
you guys were here, which are just like finding anybody
on the street they can find, shooting magic missiles, attacking them,
banging on doors, setting small fires, taking ships, and kicking
all things, paper, poop bags, all that fun stuff. That's
what you guys have to deal with. But we'll come
back to you running back to stand and Claude for you.
Speaker 2: What is worth pointing out? And none of those kids
is doing anything worth getting show in the facefolk.
Speaker 3: Okay, so Claudia, you just knocked a child or attempted
to knock a child off the thing. He realizes that
you were attack it's on.
Speaker 2: So uh wait, does stand see this perception?
Speaker 3: Give me a perception rule?
Speaker 2: Is this something I can I'll give you the.
Speaker 3: Advantage because it was basically it was a scuffle up there.
She tried to hip check him, he bounced, he recovered,
he realized what was going on. At eleven, Yeah, it's
not hard to miss that, Like Claudia, was that with
the advantage? Okay, eleven, it's still not it's not hard
to notice. The right above you, there's rocks tumbled down
from above the ledge. You look up, you see Claudia
trying to hip check this kid, and she's like, oh
my bad. He's like, bullshit, bitch, and it's on.
Speaker 2: So, uh, well, do I get an opportunity to try
and bullshit this.
Speaker 3: I'll give you one chance.
Speaker 2: I say, uh, congratulations, kids, the hacks told us to
test your resolve. He passed with flying colors. I'm proud
of you, Oh coction.
Speaker 3: This kid hasn't been give me okay, give me a deception,
Give me a deception.
Speaker 2: Come on, dice, lest not have any child man ship.
Speaker 3: Thirteen. Let's see what he rolls at least distracted If
an insight check on the kid seventeen, it's a lying
old ship. Hey quick, go tell the annies. So this
kid is he moves in this direction. This kid has
got a long way to run. He's he's gonna double
move to get to right about there. But he's running.
He's all able slow. This is more narrow ridge.
Speaker 5: Stand.
Speaker 3: There's a kid above you, Claudia, and this kid is
going to take a wild swing on Uh. He's gonna
take a swing on Claudia with he's got a dagger.
So all right, Claudia, the kid pulled a dagger on you,
took a swing and he he it looks like he
missed because he rolled a four. So and I plus
two to hit. I think it's a six, so he misses.
Speaker 2: Hey, fucking idiot, I was lying. No, one's proud of you.
Speaker 3: You know what, he's not gonna he's gonna take psychic
damage for that, because, like you know, kids need self esteeming.
You really just took his away.
Speaker 2: Well I think I got a vicious mockery back with
the short rest. So yeah, we'll call that. Yeah, sure,
why all right?
Speaker 5: Cantrip? Yeah, so you don't need to get it back.
Speaker 2: I don't know, you know, we've been playing this game
for a long time. Bevan but I have not been
paying attention. I got it anyway, vicious mockery. Okay, let
me remind myself what this is. Sometimes I forget. I
can ship talk for actual game advantage, wisdom, say for
thirteen wonderful damage and disadvantage on the next attack, he.
Speaker 3: Made a saving throw.
Speaker 2: Oh way, they have some self esteem your prey.
Speaker 7: He's a yeah, he's self confident.
Speaker 2: He's a pretty together kid.
Speaker 3: That's why. That's why they trust him be on guard duty.
All right, socious mockery, What do you want to try
to do with this kid?
Speaker 7: Claudia doesn't actually want to fight him, So if there's
a way.
Speaker 3: Too, then why did you try to push him off
at twenty five foot ledge.
Speaker 7: Get him out of the way.
Speaker 6: You could have just.
Speaker 3: Walked around him.
Speaker 6: She wanted to kill him.
Speaker 3: It's ten feet wide. It's a ten givv.
Speaker 2: She is on drugs.
Speaker 3: They get a lot of decisions really quick less. I forget. Yeah,
she is on the drugs.
Speaker 7: So if she can disngage, dis engage and kind of
dash along the wall, that would be.
Speaker 3: You can definitely disengage. Bonus action, disengage and then you've
got your movement. So five ten fifteen twenty twenty five
thirty and if you want to get up to there,
you'd have to take your action to the rest of
the movement. That's but then you're done. You have nothing
else you can do.
Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, get as close to the levers.
Speaker 3: Okay, cool, you are. So it took the rest of
your action to get around to the lever, but now
you are done.
Speaker 6: All right.
Speaker 3: So you see kids turns. Let me see kid hereeen
twenty twenty five thirty thirty fifty fifty five sixty. He's
narrow there. This kid is going to you know what,
he's just gonna he's gonna jump. It's twenty he's no,
he's gonna hurt himself if he does that. So five
twenty five.
Speaker 2: Man, he's fifteen. That sounds like something I would have that.
Speaker 3: Twenty five feet you know, actually, you know what, you're right,
he's he's young and dumb. He's gonna jump in. Let's
see if he can do an athletics role or acrobatics
to mitigate some of this fall damage. He did not,
So I have beated this exact situation. Uh see. He
takes seven god out of his ten hit points. He
took seven damage. So yeah, he thought, oh fuck, he
hits you're the in his ankle twist and he hits
the ground like, oh, oh my god, he said, the
gripping his legs like oh did it look cool? Did
it at least look cool? Please tell me you're recording.
Speaker 2: For Rest daisy Son.
Speaker 3: It was skidbi great fantasy I needed for Fantasy Tube.
Speaker 2: Tell me cool, you're a kid, not just lay there
and uh.
Speaker 3: All right, this kid is going to one two and
point his magic missile at use his wand of magic missiles,
which is not used today. And yeah he did. Uh
we believe Let me double check the cast of a
magic missile bomb bomb bomb It is one D six
plus so it's two D six plus two against stan
seven two bolt shootout and hit you uh for seven
total damage.
Speaker 2: Dah, I believe in you.
Speaker 3: And see that was five ten, fifteen twenty. And he's
going to use he cannot get down that he does
action at his movements, so he's going to stand here.
That's what he's doing. Uh, Claudia, it's your turn.
Speaker 7: I do not know what this lever does, but if
you're okay, push put something in front of me like this.
I am going to have to try it.
Speaker 3: Okay, Uh, are you just gonna throw the lever?
Speaker 2: It doesn't blow up these kids?
Speaker 7: Well, I was gonna do that as plan B.
Speaker 3: Here's the thing, would you like? Would you like a
perception check, an investigation roll? Are you just gonna throw
a cass in the dice and and throw the lever?
Speaker 7: No, she's gonna throw the lever.
Speaker 3: Fantastic. Okay, give me a strength roll, stupid sixteen. Uh,
Claudia y with herculean level. At a bit of strength,
you pull this this gear, slam it all the way forward,
and this oven starts to get very hot, very fast,
and it's in a very familiar way, because it's just
like the oven that blew up the tavern you were
staying in. And now all the children are doing everything
they can to get as close to the wall as post,
but that they're stuck in because it's getting hotter and hotter,
and you start to see some of their hair and
clothes start to catch fire.
Speaker 7: She will, she will stand. Okay, I think I did it.
Speaker 3: All the kids are doing that. They can depress themselves
against them, like they're climbing up. They're climbing up. But
here's the thing because of the spell that's going on
in there, the silent spell. You see them screaming, but
you hear no sound.
Speaker 7: The silence of the lambs.
Speaker 2: It's weird to me that to be just a switch
to incinerate children.
Speaker 7: So that's not the exit you're telling me.
Speaker 3: Yet, and they're they're not well. Switches have two directions, Claudias,
all right, so this kid is out of commission. Stand
it's your turn. What would you like to do?
Speaker 2: Doesn't you? Doesn't she have another action?
Speaker 3: She's just like, well, she's got a bonus action. Would
you like to switch? I'll I'll allow a switch back
to the bonus action. Would you like to do that?
Speaker 7: Let's do that?
Speaker 3: Give you a strength roll.
Speaker 2: It's the scientific method of work. I mean, you can
try again, say it happens again.
Speaker 4: But.
Speaker 3: Fourteen, it's fine, it was it was only a ten.
You pull it back to its starting position and the
oven cools back down.
Speaker 7: All right, maybe not this one. Let's try something else.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, all the kids, lady, all the kids give
you the finger. So well, switch pulled over the next round. Well,
you just tried to flick it.
Speaker 2: Back, yeah, but she turned it off.
Speaker 6: Gibby.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but like she was willing to walk away like, well,
I tried nice tease tease it a little. Okay, all right,
Stanton would like to.
Speaker 5: Do Uh.
Speaker 2: Well, I don't know. I have sort of the advantage
to just run this kid for if he tries coming
through for the ladder, I guess.
Speaker 3: You got us some dual damage.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean imagine him coming down the ladder would
make him pretty vulnerable.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: In fact, I might say that to him.
Speaker 5: As soon as he gets by the ladder.
Speaker 2: Just kick it, I'll say to it. So I realize
you're young and inexperienced, but you're really going to put
yourself on a ladder to a man with a sword
waiting below. You're a kebbab waiting to happen, my friend.
Speaker 3: Okay, uh, that is that your June for your turn?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm trying to convince the kid not to be
impaled on my sword.
Speaker 3: Okay, Well, I gotta work with the game mechanics in there,
controlled by a powerful fay witch. You're you're you're okay, eighteen,
that's pretty good because you're given like you know, after
school special tales. So let me see exactly versus his Okay.
Speaker 2: You know what, knowing, I'll stab you in the anus.
It's half the battle.
Speaker 3: Well, consider he rolled a four plus two is a six.
Yeah he fails. He's like, okay, okay, you gotta point
the rold man. But like, you know, what are you doing?
Why are you doing this? I thought you said you're
working for Graham Game in the anties, told.
Speaker 2: You were testing security. You're the one that decided to
be a prick about it. No, that bitch tried to
push me off the Yeah, you were tested and you passed,
but apparently that's not good enough for you.
Speaker 3: She tried to push you off a twenty five foot
you know what, screw it.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry. Did you die?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have a friend did didn't he? He wasn't
very good yet.
Speaker 3: It just really hurts.
Speaker 2: You're dead to me, sanscha, Okay, I don't know. I
expected a little bit of order when I came down here.
I thought the hacks were running a tidy operation. But
thirty No, I'm not so sure.
Speaker 3: The kid who was the other kid who's up here
is coming around the top. He does his thirty feet,
touches his mask once a day, missed these steps down
to here and dude, like, like, what are you doing?
Speaker 6: Man?
Speaker 3: Like, is this real?
Speaker 6: Is this for real?
Speaker 3: Is she really testing our security?
Speaker 6: Or is it?
Speaker 3: Or is this or you guys are trying to fuck
things up because it's like we gotta guard these other
kids until they either either they either they join our
side or they become dinner.
Speaker 2: Well, you let my colleague get to the incineration level.
I think this is a solid f for you guys. Now,
maybe I can turn this around when the hags wake up.
Speaker 6: But don't do that.
Speaker 3: Don't do that. I mean, no, no, no, no, tell me
did a good job, seriously telling me did a good job, like,
like we tried, dude, there's only three of us. Man, Okay, here, dude,
take take a handle of doing this. Staff, take a
handful of gold.
Speaker 2: Okay, I don't need your gold. I just need to
know that you guys are gonna try harder in future.
Speaker 3: Well I do, I promise, I promise I'll try harder.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, your your friend there has got like his
legs not supposed to bend that way, so maybe take
care of him, hey.
Speaker 7: Stan, assign assign them the responsibility of movie the kids elsewhere.
I'm tired of trying.
Speaker 2: Oh well, I'll be pushing all luck. Yeah, that.
Speaker 3: Question, and we'll come back to that question here in
a moment. But in the meantime, we've got Joceuher and
Moog who are coming out of the Mayor's office. There
are child predators running all around now for you too.
Pink Reada's map, pink Reda's thing was over in this direction.
So the kids are all moving to different places and
wreaking a little bit the same map.
Speaker 6: There you go, all right, So the first thing Move's
going to do is he's gonna slide his mask on.
Since we both got masks from uh Gamcam.
Speaker 3: Yeah, now your mask, don't do what theirs do? You
just you're just wearing masks.
Speaker 6: That's fine. It might identify to them that we're on
the same side.
Speaker 3: Good call.
Speaker 5: All right. Oh no, there's no weed here. I'm gonna
let you go get your hand. I had a plan
before we made the pact with the Green Hageah. It's
not gonna work out if if we go through with
the fight, but just in case I wanna, I want
to have a backup plan. So uh methinks, uh, let's see,
all right, here's the plan. I want to I want
to run for mayor, and so.
Speaker 2: Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck?
Speaker 5: I don't know?
Speaker 3: Well, you know what, now's it? Hey, now's this gonna.
Speaker 5: Here's a little okay. So I am gonna go look
for information that I might be able to use against
her in the next election. So I'm going back into
the mayor's settling.
Speaker 3: Oh never moves, just like whatever the black hat who
is masquerading that the townsfolk. No, okay, go for it. Man,
sounds great. You go back into the mayors, You go
back into the mayor's I'm about you ever hear move.
Speaker 2: We're just getting ourselves into the elections cycle. Moved.
Speaker 6: He's just gonna wander in. You know, look at the kids,
really gam gam approves stupid filthy children.
Speaker 3: They all throw like cool, dude, look good man, you know,
like look, dude, that's awesome. You're like, hey, funck, shut
up on your way.
Speaker 6: Yeah, And he's gonna go to the go to the
like you know the thing, and well start looking for
the hand that.
Speaker 3: Is the investigation. How quickly you can find look through
the uh the gear?
Speaker 6: All right, what do you want?
Speaker 3: Investigation?
Speaker 6: Investigation? Another role? I'm sure, fuck up twelve not horrible.
Speaker 3: I mean it's a it's a it's a trunk, it's
her wagon full of stuff. You saw her use it before.
Uh give me a quick favor Rome a history role
as well, because it was a couple of days ago.
So investigation, you know, the general area fourteen fantastic. It
doesn't take you very long too. I get in there
and you find uh it was your left hand that
was missing, correct, yep, A it was another right handed
uh artificial limb.
Speaker 6: All right, So I will try to attach that back
like you know, upside down.
Speaker 3: Yep, so that it sits there and doesn't do anything
yet because you recall, this is a thing that requires
a tunement.
Speaker 6: All right, and it takes an hour to a tune.
All right, Well, move, we'll he will, he will take it.
He will put in his pack because he really doesn't
have an hour.
Speaker 3: Right And then behind you and there is a glowing
portal inside of the well.
Speaker 6: I will step in it. Because whatever whatever joorceper is
doing sounds fucking insane.
Speaker 3: Okay, cool, I'm that puts you.
Speaker 2: You can do it out to get your had the cholsters.
So like we're going to make his cherry grats again.
Speaker 3: All right, moved?
Speaker 7: Are we seriously on three maps?
Speaker 3: Now we are on three maps. I am in on
the I'm in for this move. You jump into the water,
you come in, you come up through boosh into uh
the lake and the original thing where you can This
is the rope where you came down. This is your
crash spot. And this was at open a bit of water.
This was a portal between the two places. Poof your
back here?
Speaker 6: All right? Do I hear any sounds coming from any
direction to the I don't know where my friends went
but for my acquaintances when, but I do know that
they left.
Speaker 3: Uh so uh, you know that the witches were down
in this direction and nothing receives to come from that.
You do hear up in this direction?
Speaker 6: Well?
Speaker 3: Kid, you know I'm very disappointed in you. Come on, mister,
please don't let me do like. No, no, you're stand
Claudie up in this way? Uh and then and to the.
Speaker 6: Northeast, then moogle head in that direction.
Speaker 2: All right, that's very jenerous. I would have loved that
if you just moved in a random direction. Give me
make aother map.
Speaker 6: Well that's that's what that's why I figured i'd checked
to see if I hear you first.
Speaker 3: All right, all right, you are now here on this
map oo.
Speaker 2: Ah mood you just didn't sign Just is this is.
Speaker 6: This kid dead? No?
Speaker 3: He's laying there like clutching his ankle, which is turning
the wrong direction.
Speaker 6: Is he en elf? Uh? You know?
Speaker 3: Give me yeah, I'm a roll D one hundred. Let's
find out real fast.
Speaker 6: He's an ELF special skull with widow crippler.
Speaker 3: Give me a tack roll ten.
Speaker 2: Miss.
Speaker 7: I can just imagine the widow crippler landing next to
the skull.
Speaker 2: Moove just in time to uh ad us in a.
Speaker 6: Carry movie with you in a second move exterminating.
Speaker 2: ELK to remove these non health children from danger.
Speaker 3: This kid saw what you did. Like, He's like, oh man, okay,
the test is over.
Speaker 6: I get it.
Speaker 3: He rolls in this general direction like to get to
your ears. Friends. He's like, okay, I get it, man,
we failed to test. Cool dude, I'm sorry.
Speaker 7: You know now let those kids out.
Speaker 3: We can't.
Speaker 6: We don't this, we don't. I can't.
Speaker 3: Only the green, the green which has the power to
like retract the growing uh, the wood.
Speaker 6: We don't.
Speaker 3: We don't have that power. There's no apparatus to do it. Besides,
they're supposed to they're supposed to stay there until that's
our orders to keep them inside until they either become
one of us or food. That's that's right.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, I think maybe you should go see the
green Witch before moove here. Absolutely murders you. I can't
stop right now.
Speaker 3: You go see her if you're if you, if you're
her friends.
Speaker 6: If you're spiles of gold. Yes, Google looks to stand
and be like, are you allergic to money?
Speaker 2: Oh no, I just I prefer long term investments, like
you know, living.
Speaker 6: Move move, move will trudge over towards the gold. If
he has the chance, he will stomp on this kid's skulls.
Speaker 3: You get closer. He saw you once before. He's not dumb.
Speaker 6: Fine, he's more than happy to go here and start
shoveling that into that bag of holding. Uh the first appearance.
There are gold ships in there, a lot of copper
in there too. But you know so, But like, I mean,
here's the thing. There's it's a fair it's a fair
amount of mix treasure.
Speaker 2: So as long as as long as Mug is shoveling gold,
he's not mattering kids. Uh we can. I think we
sufficiently said to these guys. Okay, that's some pretty good information.
We need the green Haag to break these kids out.
Speaker 6: Oh move, have information for you from Sticky Wizard.
Speaker 2: Oh lovely, Well, I'm glad he didn't just decide to
appear in my mind.
Speaker 6: Stick Sticky Wizard currently running for mayor of town. But
but we learned secret from green Hag who is gam.
Speaker 2: Gam mayor of town.
Speaker 3: One of its is having I know the black The
Black Hag is the mayor of town. Game game controls
the forest.
Speaker 6: Uh well, thanks for that. Who's game? So the green
Haag is not game gam? No, that's okay. So we
learned something from from anti about gam gam and no,
they're anti, which maybe we shouldn't say in front of
children because children should not hear secrets that are only
meant for adults.
Speaker 2: That's true.
Speaker 3: Sorry, it wasn't a secret. We already knew that.
Speaker 6: Okay. Well, if child talks back again, kill child.
Speaker 3: Not cool, dude, not cool.
Speaker 2: I'll tell your Moog is not the baby city he want.
He might be the baby city you need, but he
is not the baby city you want. Okay. Uh Stan
is still going to go ahead with Operation Clusterfer.
Speaker 3: So what is it you're trying to do now?
Speaker 2: I want to get as many of these ones as
possible in my satchel tied together, and you're.
Speaker 3: To get back into where the Hag's rooms are at
and get them off the table without waking the anties up.
Speaker 6: Oh, move that bag of holding if you need extra
space to store stolen want. Oh.
Speaker 2: I don't know if firing a bunch of matching missiles
into a bag of holding creates some sort of apocalyptic problem.
I'll stick to a normal bag.
Speaker 6: All right.
Speaker 3: So you guys want to try to sneak back in
there without waking them up.
Speaker 7: Yeah, Claudia wants to come back with them.
Speaker 6: Stan will Google joined them after he's busy.
Speaker 2: Okay, so we've seen some pretty solid plundering. Now we're
going to leave him to get to say, I'm not
just at.
Speaker 3: What I'm gonna leave you to there for the moment.
We're gonna jump back over to Jorser Joorcerer. Meanwhile, back
into the barrow campaign, all right, Soorger, you come back
into the you come back, and I'll put the team
bucket over here. George, you come back into the Mayor's mansion,
and mister Preen, the butler, the cleric butlers, they're like, yes, sir,
how many help you?
Speaker 5: I was tasked. I was tasked with retrieving the mirror's
Chimmy Day speech.
Speaker 3: True, gay, give me a deception role.
Speaker 5: Come on deception there?
Speaker 3: Nine okay, yes, nine, all right, so let's do his
insight role and eight okay, you beat him. Oh, very
very good. Just go please, just go through that door
there and you can go into her office. And there
you go, and I will, I thought it all right.
I will go here and warm myself by the fire
and drink drink more brandy.
Speaker 5: I'm not really looking for the cherry dates.
Speaker 3: I know you're not.
Speaker 5: I'm looking for any kind of dirt I can get.
Speaker 6: On this mayor.
Speaker 3: Okay, well, roll me an investigation check ten. It's a
pretty standard looting around kind of thing. You go through
her drawers, you find, you know, some documents about taxation.
Seems like she is taking appears she's taking some money
off the top off the when they're selling the cherry
Day festivals. Everything seems to be on the up and
up when it comes with the town proper. But then
it occurs to you. Yeah, she is a black annas
hag who has had this town under her spell for
a number of years, and the people would gladly probably
rally behind someone who's not enslaving them or their children.
Speaker 5: All Right, so I learned and three deal doos she's
taking money and she's black, I can use it.
Speaker 6: No, not saying a goddamn word.
Speaker 5: All right, Well, I will grab some fistfuls of documents
and uh, I think was there a portal upstairs? Uh?
Speaker 3: There was a portal upstairs.
Speaker 2: I'm definitely not calling this episode a fist full of
documents his name we would have back.
Speaker 3: Well, you just you did find a fistful of dildo's
number one drawer, so you can call it that if
you need to say that. Want to go back upstairs?
You want to go back.
Speaker 5: Upstairs, I'll grab a dildo as well. Okay, you never
know what color?
Speaker 6: Would you like?
Speaker 5: That's the black one, all right?
Speaker 3: I mean it's like there's there's pink aubergine in black,
So go at the black one. Okay, you go up
up back up the stairs and through the portal. Correct, yes, perfect,
this is act. This works out.
Speaker 4: Well.
Speaker 3: Move if you're done rage looting. It'll bring everybody back
to this spot. So moove, you are down here with Claude.
How much get another three hundred gold? Another one hundred
and fifty three fifty fifty nice? I mean you also
got a shit little copper. But I think you're just
you didn't want that, so.
Speaker 2: And a new hand.
Speaker 3: Joserer you okay.
Speaker 2: Muke tries to do a thumbs up, but it doesn't
work because it's heads.
Speaker 6: Their own way.
Speaker 3: She is not there, Moog, you're with them. Joecerer, you appear.
All this happened simultaneously. So once again, Stan, you are
standing in front of its twelve football that we've established.
You need an athletics roll to get up, Jorserer. Actually
there's still rope should still be attached that that uh
Kybert left behind. Joeiser, you are here. You came through
the portal.
Speaker 6: So Google will whisper to to Stan like green hag,
not like other hags. So she say they weaker without her,
So as long as we kill them, she not bother.
Speaker 2: Us, Stan will go hmmm. Good to know, But I
don't think we're ready to fight them yet. Operation Clustify
is still a go. But we need to be very
quiet just for a little while while I steal some shit.
Speaker 5: All right, Can I see them?
Speaker 3: Uh no from the where you're standing here. You just
see a pathway over there, and they're down at the bottom,
so no, there'd be. They're below your line of sight.
Speaker 5: Okay, Well, can I hear them?
Speaker 3: Give me okay, you guys, give me a stealth roll,
and you give me a perception check ten.
Speaker 2: Twenty one and nine.
Speaker 7: All right, so look at you, old man. Nice job.
Speaker 3: Okay, good job on, Steve. So the stealth roll is good.
Emily's stealth is twelve and mooves? Is this ten? Georgia?
You did not hear any of them?
Speaker 6: Okay?
Speaker 3: Well, but there are two. You do notice that there
are that the two big witches are still sleeping. Two
hags of there are sleeping in the bed. The third
one is empty.
Speaker 5: All right, I'm gonna I'm gonna put on one of
these masks because why not?
Speaker 3: All right, you have one, you know?
Speaker 2: Sure?
Speaker 5: Ah, right, I'll put that on. And I'm still naked
and I'm wilding a big BUILDO.
Speaker 7: Tune in next episode of.
Speaker 3: Before, actually before we tune out. Just let's see if
let's see if you guys can get up there and
stealthily get these ones for operation cluster fuck or do
you fuck things up? And that's and then then it's
back on. So Stan, Claudia, Moog, you have a rope,
so won't take you that long. Give me a h
I want three more stealth rolls from each of you
as you try to climb up quietly over the lip
of this thing. Whoever's going out for once?
Speaker 2: I'm going on, I didn't necessarily invite these people with me.
Speaker 3: Well, Claudia went and tried it and slipped and fell
because her mask once again fell into her face sh
fell down. So let me give me a quick second.
Speaker 2: Here, Hey, Claudia, one day you'll be a hell of
a ride, but not today.
Speaker 3: And both of them, even though it's natural one there
deep sleepers so uh and Moog is a natural one
as well.
Speaker 6: God move forgets. He still hasn't hatched the other hand.
Speaker 3: Okay, another two checks? Uh, okay, So the black hat
stirs and sits up a little bit. What what's going on, dear?
And she looks over and sees Jorser standing there with
a mask, a dildo and naked. I'm too old.
Speaker 6: Come back later.
Speaker 3: When I wake up, and then she rolls back over.
Speaker 2: If Joe just said this is a bad dream, she's.
Speaker 3: She sell. The first thing she saw was Georser standing
there naked with.
Speaker 5: A dill telepathic Hello.
Speaker 3: In the morning, dear in the morning.
Speaker 2: Oh, the worst thing about this podcast is that you
a telepathy?
Speaker 3: All right, Stan, Your stealth role was a twenty one.
So you climbed up and over, so you are up
on the lip. Okay, that should get up. Now, give
me another stealth roll to cross the space, to go
verb to where these wands are at whether it was
at least one, two, three, four five? Put six magic
wands six? Uh, magic missile wands over here.
Speaker 2: I was hoping for like fifty, but sure, uh you
know what.
Speaker 3: Well, I will say there's fifty. Let's I put six
on the map. Let's say it's I'll give you ten.
There's ten magic wands fourteen Okay, okay, so thirty that
is half speed with both your movement and your action.
Give me another stealth roll, should do another thirty feet?
Speaker 2: Come on, dice, motherfucker. Hell okay, hang on, did I
just see Juleser?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Nic you went five ten? What and you stopped?
Speaker 6: There just the fuck.
Speaker 3: All right? Uh okay, so once again the black hags
hits up. Seize you, seize joser. You have one chance
to persuade her that you're not up to anything nefarious.
What are you doing, dear?
Speaker 2: Well, I was just about to bomb Joe ser Oh well,
making time, dear what is to go elsewhere?
Speaker 6: And there?
Speaker 3: We can give me a persuasion roll with advantage, uh whomever,
but whoever's got the best ris but that's your chance.
Speaker 5: Oh that'd be me?
Speaker 3: Or probably was that with advantage, Steve, I.
Speaker 2: Can roll anova, Oh my god, desperate times.
Speaker 6: Yeah, fifteen the fourteen.
Speaker 3: Standing?
Speaker 2: Give me fifteen's as kids I got?
Speaker 3: Yeah, George, for give me a second one as well.
Speaker 6: Let me do that.
Speaker 3: Do your best scores are fifteen and ten or fifteen
and twelve, apiece? Let me see look at the two
of you.
Speaker 5: How he's dressed fourteen?
Speaker 3: Yeah, so fifteen or fourteen between the two of you.
Let me see. I will load the I will load
the difficulty on her because you are standing there in
that thing. So minus all I do subtraction down because
of like the effects going on, So you know what,
I'll accept it. She's like dear, just do it out
in the No, just go down, go down to the
lake area, and that's where you do your butt fucking.
Speaker 2: You're right, that is more romantic. Thank you.
Speaker 3: Now, do you start creeping away or do we for
the fall back of sleep.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna wait for it to fall back of sleep.
I want the one, all right?
Speaker 3: So it takes two or three minutes, joorisper moog and Claudia,
what do you do for two or three minutes when
you don't hear anything?
Speaker 6: Moves in the truck climbing up again?
Speaker 2: Okay, I will give a motion to jewel sir.
Speaker 5: Okay, uh mood, give me uh, I said telepathically, all right.
Speaker 3: Mood, do me your favorite give me uh one because
it's one handed with you with a rope. So I'm
gonna need an athletics for all and a slight of
hand roll.
Speaker 6: Are athletics roll?
Speaker 3: And what athletics roll? And stealth?
Speaker 6: Okay, athletics is seven you slip and fall? Uh.
Speaker 3: I don't think we need the stealth roll again, which.
Speaker 6: Is like.
Speaker 2: You slip in full quietly?
Speaker 6: There?
Speaker 3: I told you so stand after Claudia, are you just
gonna watch more and can try anything. Try Okay, okay,
you get up, you get up easily. Get give me
a stealth roll for Claudia. Fantastic, like a like a
little Kowala ninja.
Speaker 6: You are up there.
Speaker 7: That it does, doesn't County.
Speaker 6: Moog will whisper up. Give Moog one hour and then
he will sit down and just attach that like you know,
that hand to his stump and just sit there.
Speaker 3: You can also attach to your but you can also
tune to your boots at the same time, because they're
both the Tuman based weapon things. So, uh, all right, Stan,
this is your next shot. Give me, give me a
stealth roll to get the rest of the way over
to get the wants.
Speaker 2: If that's what you're doing, fuck this game nine.
Speaker 3: Well you get over there. Game game was expecting a
little bit of noise. I told you go somewhere else
for your butt. Fucking you get about here.
Speaker 2: So uh, I'm just scrapping a drink. He is aroused.
I'm not making that up. That's not a lie. You
can see it.
Speaker 3: Look all right, Georcer, go on, look all right, Georcer.
Do you want to step back into the portal and
show how it works?
Speaker 5: Show who the rest of my party. I mean they
don't know how portals work.
Speaker 3: Well, they haven't seen this one.
Speaker 6: Oh do we know?
Speaker 2: Is this normal?
Speaker 5: Yes? I will step into the portal.
Speaker 3: All right, you step in the portal, you go back
to the mayor of sex sex addict, Stan, what are
you doing?
Speaker 2: I still won these ones?
Speaker 6: You get?
Speaker 3: Okay, you collect the wants? Not a problem.
Speaker 2: I'm a rogue. I want something cool, all right, all right,
and then I.
Speaker 3: Guess if you want, if you want to be extra rougie,
just for the saying about making it, give me a
slighter hand roll see how you get?
Speaker 2: Uh, well, I'm not trying to like disguise from many
one that I'm picking them up for shoe.
Speaker 3: Well, you are trying to discuss from the sleeping, which
is that you're trying to do other stuff. Ten that's fair.
Excuse me an eleven? Uh you get six out of
the ten.
Speaker 2: I guess that'll do. Okay, Okay, I'll not push my luck. Okay,
I'll go into the pole.
Speaker 3: Okay, you go to the portal. Dude, you didn't go. Claudia,
what are you doing?
Speaker 7: She heard Jorcierer say look at me before he disappeared,
so she's assuming that she's supposed to follow.
Speaker 3: Okay, give me a stealth rolled across the space.
Speaker 5: These are the leadership skills I'm going to need as mayor.
Speaker 3: Then you go, and Moog is sitting there quietly waiting
an hour unless he realizes all his friends have left him.
Speaker 6: I don't know, did I realize it?
Speaker 3: It can be perception, really, because you were sitting here,
you said, you said, give me an hour to wait.
But now everything got real quiet up there, and no
one's nothing, no one's coming or uh, you are aware
that none of your friends are around. It's been a
few minutes, and you get intwoit that however you want.
Speaker 6: Well, move's not trying to climb up this fucking thing again.
He's going to go back to the other portal and take.
Speaker 3: You into the town. Got it? Okay?
Speaker 2: So so am I right in thinking that you can
attune several items at once. A?
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're allowed. You can tune to three items total.
Speaker 2: Okay, well I'll a tune to three of the ones.
Speaker 3: No those ones. He kid was lying that you don't
need a too much of those once?
Speaker 2: Ah A little shit. Yeah, okay, Well, Operation cluster fuck
will continue. I want to lay them all in the
satchel facing the same direction. I'm going to use my
dagger to weaken one side of the statchel. Okay, so
it proves less resistance and hopefully I've got myself a
nice little fantasy rocket launch.
Speaker 3: So you go through that portal, move goes back to
the middle town. Being smart likely goes back to the
Mayor's mansion where he knows where the friends. I've gone.
The kids with your mask, they leave you be all
of you reconvene to include the green Hag in the
Mayor's sex attic, and I think this is where we're
going to leave. Oh God, you're right, Yeah, I'll take
the week before he starts pleasuring himself.
Speaker 2: Debay is sex attic. That's where we So we end
this inventship.
Speaker 3: We're gonna end this particular adventure in the Mayor's sex attic.
Speaker 6: Uh.
Speaker 3: You guys have managed to steal some wands. You know
where the kids are at cod Bear somewhere hopefully getting help.
And the four of you played that game of portal
back and forth, back and forth while I judged a
bunch of maps. Is there anything before we sign off?
You want to say to the friends and family out
there watching and listening.
Speaker 2: Behold, yeah, exactly that, what really was it? Behold my
wonder episode. If you were following along in your mind, there,
you're welcome. I guess we've corrupted the feature of your
mind indefinitely.
Speaker 3: You hurd a child, uh, Claudia some cocaine trying to kill,
push a kid off off a bridge.
Speaker 2: I'm proud of it. We killed We killed a very
small amount of children, like in the long run, you know,
not for lack of.
Speaker 6: Trying, though.
Speaker 7: Claudia was on her best behavior.
Speaker 6: He just failed a roll.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna have a Rick Vaultery, Emily, Captain, Captain Caplain,
Robert Bevan and Steve whether or not.
Speaker 6: I'm m. K.
Speaker 3: Gibson. We're the Dicey Bastards and you've been great. Thank
you all very much. We'll see y'll next time. Bye everybody,
Bye bye.
Speaker 2: You've been listening to Orphors and Dragons presenting the Dicey
Bastards and they're wacky adventures. If you want more of this,
like subscribe, share, tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell
the strangers in the street. Don't go too far, but
you know, spread the words. Music by the Gore Core
four well I was just about to bum Jaucerer