Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back, besties. It's your mother. I'm
in New York. She made it. She's in a house
filled with boxes, but that's better than a housemade of cards,
you know what I'm saying. I've been here for a
couple of days. And am I reshooting this podcast right now? Yes?
Because I shot it yesterday and I looked like a
leftover shrimp and I also had the energy of a
heroin addict behind a dumpster. So am I as good
as I seem right now? Not always, I'll be honest.
The ride's been a little bumpy, a little emotional, but
in general, I'm feeling great. I'm feeling amazing. I'm so
happy to be in New York. There is so much
synchronosity going on around me. Before I dive in to
tell you guys everything that's been going on, I just
want to tell you quickly, if you are in Raleigh
on Wednesday this week or Nashville on Thursday, please come
to my shows. I'm doing some new jokes about the situation.
The situation and you, guys, I'm so excited. Here's the thing,
here's the beauty, and all of this tragedy plus time
is comedy. And I have had a lot of tragedy
this year, and yeah, I'm just I'm excited to transmute
it and turn it into something that can help other people,
because I think that's my whole entire purpose on this earth, unfortunately,
is just to get my teeth kicked in and then
make other people laugh about it so that I don't
kill myself. But listen, I am loving the energy in
New York. I know I've said this before. I never
liked New York before. I always thought it was too loud,
it's too stinky, and it gave me anxiety, and everyone
was so intense and like it just felt like a lot.
And now that I'm here, I love it. I love
my neighborhood. I love the energy. I got here game
one of the New York Knicks Finals, and like literally
when I was like blowing up my little air mattress,
I had my windows open and everyone was roaring in
the street streets. The energy is so alive here right now,
and it's so interesting because, like I don't know, it's
such a it's such an interesting moment in my life
and in time right Like you know, when I was
a little kid at thirty seven I wasn't like, oh yeah,
I'm gonna be not only divorced, but then single again
from a different relationship where I thought I was getting
married living in a studio apartment by myself in Manhattan.
Like that was not on the vision board. The vision
board was dead by thirty seven. That was the you know,
hate to see other people living by dreams. Saw a
lot of that in Palm Beach. A lot of geezers
just fucking kicking it in Palm Beach. But I am
so happy to be out of Palm Beach, you guys,
Oh my god. Like I don't know how I told
myself that was ever going to work. Like I'm really
trying to put myself back in the shoes of a
girl who thought, yeah, let's go to this town where
all the have is bad lipstick, bad florals, straw handbags
like literal straw basket handbags, highly flammable, so fucking ugly
and so waspy and bougie, and they have questionable morals,
bad politics, tacky Bentley's like the whole there was just
not an iota of culture there. There was not an
iota of character there. It's just the stuffiest, richest it's
the land of the Lizard people, and I am so
happy to be out. I'm so happy to see my
friends who I, you know, share values with, and there's
just life here. There's a sense of life here that
doesn't exist there because it is a lot of people
at the end of their life. And like, one thing
that I found to be so stunning, not in a
good way, stunning in a bad way was how many
people get to the end of their lives and they're
still so angry, and they're still so uptight, and there's
still so just generally unpleasant. I'm like, how did you
make it this far? And you haven't made one little
like attitude adjustment, one little tweak one little like, oh hey,
if I'm pleasant in the world, the world might be pleasant.
Back to me, like, how did you get this far
in life? Like I remember my condo that I lived in,
that building down there, which I'm still paying rent for.
Don't worry, Mom's still on the hook for that rent
through February. Baby, No, the landlord is going to try
and relist it. But you know who didn't let me
out of the least because why would he? So like
the people in that building would literally just like I
heard a guy once like screaming at the front desk lady,
like who said that this magazine could be in the lobby.
Nobody wants to read this. It was like an architecture magazine.
And I was like, this is what you're using the
last few ounces of your life blood for? Like, this
is it, This is truly it. I cannot believe how
many people get to the end of their lives and
they're still fucking miserable. My only living grandparent is that way.
He's a he's the worst, and he's always been the worst,
and he's never made a single change, He's never made
a single edit. And I'm just like, yeah, I just
don't get it. I don't get how you stay on
this earth and you go round and round and round
and you don't learn one fucking lesson about human compassion
or just being kind or the things that really matter.
Like that was a town where the things that really
matter are upside down, Like all anyone cares about is
wealth and extreme wealth, and it's like true lizard people galore.
And I'm happy to be in a town that values
creativity and you know, the hustle and the grind and
and I just feel like, yeah, it's a lot. It's
a lot. The subways fucking smell, there's trash everywhere. You know,
people run into you on the streets. But it's like
I've really just gotten into my zen with my meditating
in the morning, meditating and journaling, and when I go
out into the world, I'm like ready for the world.
And it's been so fun. And has it been perfect, No,
but it's been fun. Like I got here, I unpacked
for a couple of days, I'm still unpacking. I still
am like figuring everything out because I have like this giant,
beautiful studio, but there's one closet. There's one closet, and
it's like a tiny closet. So I'm just like, ah, oh.
You know, here's the thing about moving hastily. When you
move hastily, you sometimes miss things. You sometimes miss things like,
for example, I missed that there's no closet space in here,
and then I also miss that there's no dishwasher in here.
And I'm like, la, la la, that's going to be fine.
But here's the thing, it is going to be fine.
I have had an apartment before without a dishwasher. When
I first moved to La. I was twenty three, and
I was broken. I didn't have a dishwasher, and it
was fine. And my grandma used to have a dishwasher,
but she loved to wash dishes by hand because she's like,
it's meditative. And I think about that sometimes. I'm like
my grandma, who came over here through Ellis Island and
then you know, migrated her or emigrated whatever her way
over to Milwaukee, lived like a genuinely hard life. Like
I can I'm going to be fine washing my own
dishes in the center of Manhattan in an egregiously priced
studio apartment, like I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be okay.
But I will say, like living in New York is
a bitch, Like it's actually so difficult. I never really understood,
obviously because I didn't live here before, how hard it
is to not have a car. I'm so used to
having a car. So when you go to the grocery store,
you can like buy a ton of groceries because you
have a car to put them in. And I went
to the grocery store and I bought a ton of
groceries because I was like, oh, let's got DDD and
I'm like, you know, five blocks away from the trader
Joe's whatever, and I had to like schlep it all
back and it was so heavy and my shoulders hurt
so bad. Afterwards, I felt like I just did a
fucking iron Man. And then when I got back with
my groceries, I realized, oh, none of my shit's here
because my movers hadn't come yet. So I was like,
I have to go to Marshalls and get like a pan.
So I went to get a pan, but then I
didn't get a pan. I got like a hundred other
things I need because I was like, this is a
great idea, I should just get a bunch of stuff
while'm here. I didn't learn my lesson the first time,
so now I mean also not learn it the second time.
I get a ton of shit from Marshalls, and like,
you know, you get in Marshall's baby, and you're just like,
I'm saving so much money, Like I don't even am
I even actually paying for anything. This stuff is also cheap.
I just might be saving my They might be giving
me money to take their stuff, that's how cheap it is.
So I got so much of it and I was
walking back like fucking Santa Claus and like there's these
gut First of all, nobody offers to help, which vibes,
but like at the very end, this one guy was
like watch a one woman army coming through, Like that's
how much shit I had. And I was like sweating,
like fucking shock at the foul line and just dripping
sweat and my whole body hurts so bad. I get
all this shit up into the apartment. I have a
third floor walk up, so I have to go up
so many fucking stairs. I get everything up, and there
are moments in this when I'm like, oh god, I
feel really alone. I feel really alone, and it's like
hard to have to be so gangster. It's hard to
be a gangster guys like that's what I'm saying. So
I get all the shit down and then I'm just like,
oh my god, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. And then right
after that, my shoulders were so fucked up from hauling
all this stuff back. Oh I didn't tell you. After
I got outside of Marshalls, I was like, I'm gonna
halicap for the first time, and I tried, and then
these three black women got in in front of me
and laughed in my face. And that's what made me
walk home because I was like, I can't I can't
handle the the humiliation of that happening again. So that's
what made me walk home. And so anyway I walk home,
I get home, I'm like, this is this is a lot.
I feel alone and now my shoulders aren't fucking killing me.
So I had to go find an acupuncturist because I
was like, I need to like release this this fucking
tension in my back. I felt like I still had
a semi truck sitting on my shoulders. And so yeah,
all the money I saved h Marshalls I spent at
the acupuncturist, I just like went down the street. I
found this like really wonderful guy who does acupuncture and cupping,
and I'm gonna go to him all the time because
he was phenomenal, really really really phenomenal. So it's like
I'm getting acclimated. I'm figuring it out. It's also summer.
It goes from like the nicest weather ever to like
so dog dick fucking hot. You walk outside and you
just get hit in the face with like humidity and
you're like wet and like, I don't know, I'm such
a I'm here for work. I'm here to work, and
I'm here to grind. That's what I'm here for. I'm
not here to become a New Yorker. This is not
like the life style that I think really speaks to me.
I'm going to embrace it while I'm here, and I'm
gonna do my best. But I can already tell it's
really hard, and I feel like, you know, I lived
in la for fifteen years. I consider myself and Angelina.
I went home recently and it felt like home. I
was like, I'm home. I know where I am, I
know where I'm going, I know where everything is, I
know everything about everything here, I don't know anything. I
very much feel like a fish out of water here.
But what I do know is that it's gonna fucking slap.
It is going to fulking slap, all right. I'm not
you know, I'm not dating for the foreseeable future. I'm
not dating, but I'm like gonna go out as much
as I can. It's my first time, really in my
life that I've never had an obligation, you know, especially
not having a dog anymore. I really, really am like
the freest I've ever been in my life. My friend's
husband is Mark Boone Junior. I don't know if you
guys have ever seen Sons of Anarchy, but he's Bobby
on Sons and he and I have become friends over
the years, and he was in New York randomly, like
literally the first Saturday I got here and he called
me up and he's like, Oh, I'm going to like
a thirty year anniversary screening of this movie I shot
called Trees Lounge, and it's with Steve Buscemi and he's
gonna be there, and it's like and it was just
like I was like, that's so cool, Like of course
I would love to go. We had like a nice dinner.
We went to JG. Mellon, which is like this iconic
burger spot in the Upper East Side, and then we
went to the Paris Theater for the screening, and then
him and Steve and like a few of the other
cast members did a Q and A afterwards. It was
just nice. It was just like I was like, Oh,
this is fucking iconic, Like this is the kind of
shit that happens in New York just by accident, you know,
like that would never have happened to me in Palm Beach.
Like when we were in Palm Beach, we would have
to like go go to like the Top Golf, which
is like fine, but it's like you can only go
to Top Golf and bowl and like go to the
three nice restaurants so many times before you're like, I'm
gonna blow my fucking head off. So all I can
say all that to say is I'm just really glad
that I live in a city where shit's going on
and not one where I have to like pretend bagels
are a good idea anymore. I don't have to pretend
that I think a bagel empire in a seasonal town
is a great idea, and that that's that. Also, if
you've never seen Trees Lounge, phenomenal movie. I had never
seen it before. It was really nice to just like
put my fucking phone down and watch a movie. I've
been really trying to like stay off my phone, and
it's not working. I'll be honest, it's not working. I'm
like trying to stay off of it. But it's like
when you're alone, it's kind of like, Okay, I can
read a book, I can go for a walk. I
can do this, I can do that, but like it's
it's a little more challenging. And I do think I
need to like get out in the world because my
tendency to isolate is popping up a little more now.
Like I've gone out a lot, I've gone out more
than I've gone out in the past few months. But
also there are moments where I'm just like, oh, I'm
just isolating and I'm watching Widow's Bay right now while
I just finished it. If you guys didn't watch that,
whoa incredible incredible shows, like a horror TV series about
like this Martha's Vineyard esque type town that's like super haunted,
and it was great. It was great, And I yeah,
I don't know. I'm just like good, Like I'm not great,
but I'm good. Like once my home gets in order,
my home needs to get an order. You guys can
see this behind me. It's chouse, says me, and my
dad always called chaos chouse. It's like there's wardrobe boxes
glore because i don't have any shelving to hang anything up.
So I'm like ordering all that. I'm gonna figure it
all out. Everything's gonna be amazing. This apartment is going
to be fucking rad. It is so chic. It has
old exposed brick, it's one hundred and fifty years old.
The floors are these old beautiful wood, everything slanted. There's
just like charm. For whatever reason, they bricked off my
fireplace and that pisses me to fuck off, because you
guys know, I love a fireplace. And the people upstairs
were like, narts are fireplace is not bricked off? And
I'm like, God, damn it, what did the tenant before do?
But I love you know, at the tenant before it
was probably like me. Remember when I was like burning
my divorce papers and my DUI papers in Beverly Hills
in the place in the fire department, game like forty
of them. They're like, what the fuck are you doing?
I was like burning my past. Also when I was
burning my past, I burned my title to my car,
so that's been missing. And so my car is still
in Palm Beach. So I do have to go back
to Palm Beach. And I want to go back to
Palm Beach because I want to hang out with my dad.
My fucking poor dad is there all summer. So I
will be going back to Palm Beach. I'm gonna like
orchestrate another little fishing trip. Him and I can go
have like a boat day. I'm gonna sell my car.
We're gonna do all the things I'm gonna. I think
someone told me that car Vana can request a title,
so I'm gonna if they can do that. And yeah,
so this place, once it gets finished, is gonna be
a vibe to the fucking Max. I cannot wait. I
love living alone. I love living alone. And I'll say this,
my ex was great to live with. He was so easy,
he was so clean, he was so mindful, he cooked,
he like, he was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. But just not
having to hear a man go, just not having to
hear a man just rip the most violent ass or
just like, oh, just men being men, like just just
people being people. It's not even a gender thing. Really,
Like people are disgusting. One per household is enough. Do
you know what else I've seen here that's pissing me off.
I have seen so many people blow air snot I
want to punch, I want to call the police. I
have seen so many people just walk down the street,
not un housed. Nothing's wrong with them. They're they're doing
just just just air snotting I had. I saw a
girl taed air snot It got caught on her finger
and she wiped it on a building. She was like
in a trendy fucking outfit on a business call, and
I was like, I want whoever you're doing business right
now to know what the fuck they just did so
they can know what kind of creature they are dealing with.
That is creature shit. Like, sure, I get if it's
like a an emergency, but there's no way three people
have had that same emergency in the six days I've
lived here. I think people are just air snotting in
New York City and I can't relate. Also, I will
tell you I have a fire escape and I love
it so much. But I'm going to tell you this
right now. It's gonna make it very difficult for me
to stop smoking SIGs because there's something so romantic about
smoking a sig on a fire escape watching everyone just
live their little lives. Like the best moment I've had here.
So the Knicks one that unbelievable game, they were down
by twenty nine points, they came back, they went Wow,
the streets were going crazy. I was still unpacking. I'm
not a Knicks fan. I'm not going to cosplay in
the Knicks fandom because I just got here. I think
if I had lived here for six months, I would
be like out of the bar showing my tits, like honestly,
but I'm just like, I have shit to do. I'm
gonna unpack. And also it's like I feel like I'm
a part of it because I open my windows and
the bars are right across the street and people are
in the streets screaming, and it just it feels like
I'm a part of it, even if I'm not, like
putting myself in a situation that's gonna make me socially
uncomfortable because I have such bad anxiety being around people
and like sweaty people touching me, and that's been happening
a lot. But like one of the most joyous moments
I've had is having a say right after that win
and people in the street like, oh my fucking god,
oh my fuck god, fucking like it is really cool
to see a city that fucking lit up, Like the
whole city that lit up. I don't care how you
feel about sports. Something special is happening in New York
right now. Something special is happening in New York with
the Knicks, and listen, their last is tonight. It's Saturday,
so by the time this comes out, they will either
have one or lost. But I kind of want them
to lose. Not because I'm a hater. I kind of
want them to lose because I want them to come
back to the Garden to win. I want them to
win in New York. That just gave me like full
body chills, Like I just feel like that the team
and the city both deserve it. And it's such an
anti climactic thing when a finals is one on the road.
So yeah, I just really I hope they lose. I
hope they lose so that they can come back home
and win that I think that would be I think
that would be a lot more special. Okay, So there's
a few things that have come up for me personally
recently that I want to talk about. And I'm going
to say this as a blanket statement, I am going
to stop discussing my personal life so much on the
podcast because it has gotten me quite a bit of blowback.
I'll be honest, I'm going to reserve most of what's
going on in my private life for the Patreon. And
that's not like clickbaity to get you over to the Patreon.
That's just like I have to protect myself. There has
to be like some self preservation here, and I can't
keep making enemies by yeah. Then you know, here's what
I've learned this year. People don't like to hear the
truth about themselves repeated back to the public. And listen,
I'm not a perfect person. I've said it a million times.
If somebody got on a podcast and yapped about all
the shit that I did wrong, I would feel pretty
fucking bad about it too. So what I had to
do is take myself out of my shoes and put
myself into their shoes and be like, you know what,
it's not super chill that I keep talking and all
this shit. And I think when I was going through
the breakup, I wanted to be honest about it because
I think a lot of us go through really difficult,
challenging things like that where it's it's a gray area, right,
you can go one way or you can go the
other way. And I chose out, but people could have
stayed in, and I just wanted to be like a
safe space and to help people like heal and navigate
through their own shit and like, let you know, I'm
going through it too. Like I'm not impervious to heartbreak
or pain or any of that. Obviously, it's like almost
exclusively what I get is that. But I've seen a
few things lately that I just want to talk about
because they were really poignant to me and they really
grabbed my attention in a meaningful way, and I think
it's just something I want us all to explore and
talk about. So the first thing is I saw this online.
I'm not going to take credit for it. But the
first thing is staying after disrespect lowers your price. Right,
So if you enter a relationship and you consider yourself
to be at a certain level, and then your partner
or you know whoever it can be a friendship too,
treats you in a way that doesn't align with your values,
and you confront them, and you know, they say, like
I'll change or you know whatever, you want to see
this behavior again, and then you stay. The reality is
that now you just lowered your price because you just
showed them that even after this bad behavior, you will stay.
And I think there's a real big difference between once
and twice. Right, Actually, I don't know. I just said
that out loud, and then I don't know if I
believe that. I I think that if a person thinks
they can get away with it once and you stay,
it's what's the difference between once, twice thrice, you know
what I mean, Like they now think they can do
this thing, and you're gonna stay because that's what you
just showed them. So your price drops every time you
compromise your standards in a relationship to try and make
it work. And this is like one of the most
painful lessons that I've learned in the last few weeks.
It's not even like but a month, I don't think,
but but sometimes love is not enough, and that is
maybe one of the most heartbreaking I don't know if
it's a paradox, but it's one of the most heartbreaking
things I've ever experienced in my life, because like, I
loved that person madly, like upside down and sideways madly,
to the point where I like convinced myself I could
like step away from my career and move to a
lizard town, Like I really really loved that person. But
then when we because obviously the breakup wasn't the only
thing that's ever happened in our relationship, right, there was
a lot of like micro incidences leading up to that,
and each time they felt so small that I could
talk my way into staying, I would be like, all right,
it's not that big of a deal. It's not that
big of a deal that he doesn't, you know, respect
my requests to not go out until three in the morning.
It's not that big of a deal. And a lot
of times I kept using the he's so young excuse. Right,
he's so young, he's so young, And I want to
get rid of that excuse completely, because like at the
age he is now, I wasn't behaving that way. That's
that's a choice. That's that is a choice you are choosing.
You're choosing your own adventure there. It has nothing to
do with your age. It has to do with your character.
But to the point of the the point, the original
point of staying after disrespect lowers your price. I didn't
want to be in a situation where anyone ever thought
that behavior was acceptable or that I would stay. And
this is the unfortunate part oftentimes, and in my experience.
The catalyst for change comes when you leave. The catalyst
for change comes when they lose someone they really love
for behavior that they thought they could talk away. And
this is not exclusive to the relationship. I was just
in this also, just this happened in my marriage too.
You know, it was a different thing, but there were
things in that marriage where I was like, you know,
x Y and z x y and Z, and I
said it over and over and over again for seven years,
and you know, and he didn't listen to me. And
then when I left, he did all of the things.
He did all of the things. He became more ambitious,
he became, you know, more driven. He started a hot
dog company, which you guy should try. It's called Gleasy.
They're fucking delicious of the best hot dogs I've ever had.
And it's always going to be a millionaire. He's gonna
make hot dog rich. He's gonna get like fucking hot
dog rich. And I love that for him. I'm so
happy for him. That's all I wanted the whole time.
But it's like that catalyst for change came from me leaving,
and I I think oftentimes the catalyst for anyone to
change comes from the absence of the safety that's brought
by the person that they love so much. Right, So
I provide a ton of safety in relationships. I didn't
feel that was provided for me in this last relationship
and in a multitude of different ways. But I do
provide a ton of safety, and when that safety goes away,
I think it's kind of a bit jarring, and it
does incite change, right, And I hate that I have
to walk away from someone I love to change them
for the better for the next person. I hate that.
I hate that the person who's dating my ex husband
right now got the version of him that I fucking
fought tooth and nail for. Like, I hate that. I
hate that, but I also understand, like that's it's okay.
Sometimes you just have to be the impetus for change
in other people's lives and you have to know, like
when it's time to go. And I didn't want to
lower my price or allow bad behavior. And you know,
one of the problems with me that I will admit
is like a flaw of mine is when I'm going
through something and I'm trying to process it, I process
it by talking about it. Whether it's to you guys,
or like my best friends or whatever. But the problem
with that is when you talk about your partner's bad
behavior then and you try to forgive them or you
try to move forward, every single person that loves you
is going to look at that person differently, you know.
So I think it's both a benefit and a detriment
that I do that. The benefit is that it makes
me accountable to myself and to what I want out
of this life. The detriment is that there's really not
a ton of wiggle room. There's really not. And like
my best friend Claudia has like told me from kind
of the beginning of this relationship, she kep just being like,
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I
don't know if you're as happy as you think you are.
I don't know if you're as in love as you think, like,
and she just but she gave me so much grace
and she let me like make my own mistakes. And
that's like another thing that I want to talk about.
You have to let people you love fail. I can't
tell you how many people told me to not do this,
to not abandon my big career, uh, to not move
to a city that essentially takes me out of the
game to just to point blank period not do this.
But they all loved me. They all loved me through
every single phase of it, of it unraveling. They have
supported me in the move. Claudia is like, that's my bitch.
Like I would be dead without Claudia. She literally has
been like, it's good, it's good, we got it. We're
gonna figure out your apartment. We're gonna make it gorgeous.
I'm texting her twenty four seven, I'm like, should I
buy this shy bye thishy buye this? Shy bye this? Like?
What should I buy? What should I get? Like, I'm,
you know, trying to make this home as beautiful as
I can. You guys know it's very important to me
to make my home by sanctuary. And yeah, I just
you know, I feel very grateful and I feel very fortunate.
But I also I would be lying if I said
I'm not sad. I've never I've never done a no
contact breakup, and they're they're hardcore. Uh, I'm not like sad.
Every single second of every single day, I'm like, actually
pretty fucking busy, But when I slow down for a second,
it does feel like it's it's just you know what
it is, it's my body detoxing from the oxytocin of
the relationship, and you know, the it's it's fucking sad.
It's like losing a friend when they're still alive. Is
it's like a friending, you know, it's like, oh, that
was my best friend and now it's not. No, I
don't know. I don't know anything, and that's okay. And
another thing that I saw that I wanted to bring
to your guys's attention, which I thought was very poignant,
which is the longer you stay on the wrong train,
the more expensive it is to get back. And that
one fucking hit me because I could have seen myself
very well kicking the gan down the road on this.
You know, I could have bought into the apology, and
if it wasn't made so crystal clear to me that
words were worthless, I could have kept going. And I
just think it's really poignant because when you're going, you know,
when you're going in the wrong direction and you want
to get off, and you know you should get off,
but you stay on because it's less scary to get
than getting off. It's just going to take you so
much longer to get back to get back home. And
I think this applies across the board. It's not just
with romantic partnerships. It can also be with friendships. It
can also be with work. If you're in a job
that you hate and you keep going and you keep
like this is actually a perfect example. Like when I
was in advertising, I knew I didn't like that job,
probably from my third year in, but I kept going
because I kept getting better and better and better at it,
and the financial returns were so significant that I was like,
why would I ever walk away from this? But in
my soul, I knew I hated it, and my soul
I knew I needed to do something else. But then
I kept climbing and I kept getting better, and I
kept getting more successful, and I kept making more money,
and I became harder to walk away from, because the
further you dig yourself into something, the harder it is
to walk away from, because it is you know, who
am I to walk away from the kind of money
that I was making to go like Chase, my dream
dreams are for poor people, you know what I mean?
Like I was just like, but it's like, I do
think this applies to anything. It's also you know, it
also applies to sobriety. Let's talk about that. Like my
relationship with sobriety has not been linear, it's not been perfect,
and you know, I told myself I was gonna fucking
figure it out, and I haven't. And I'm I'm still
not drinking, which is you know, drinking and hard drugs
are like my two major no's. But like, I'm doing
other things and I want to be honest because I
know I was like I'm gonna quit. I quit for
like three or four days and then I was like
I need something. But the thing is, the way I
behave when I'm when I'm doing anything is different than
the way I behave when I'm sober. And I'm more
proud of the person that i am when I'm fully sober,
so I'm not like so proud of myself right now.
I do think that's also why, like I have to
make amends for like some of the things I said
on the Patreon in the podcast, and like there are
people that I've hurt with my words, and like the
reality is that I don't need to be taking their inventory.
It doesn't matter if they stole from me. It doesn't
matter if they were texting another that doesn't matter what
they were doing, doesn't matter. How I reacted is that's
my responsibility, and my side of the street is not
so clean when I have a bit of a fuck
it button, you know, and my fucket button has been
like the little you know, lotto stables or whatever it is.
It's like fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck you,
fuck this, fuck that puff up fu fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuck it. And I know the further I away
I get and the longer I kick the can down
the road, the more work I'm gonna have to do
when I return to the version of myself that I
know is the best version of myself. So I know
I'm not the best version of myself right now. In
many ways, I'm not the best version of myself right now,
but I am doing the best I can. And I
know that's not that's not always enough, and that's not
that's not going to cut it for some people, you know.
But I will say this, I had such a what
was I guess, I don't know what the right word
for it is. It's such a moment of retrospective gratitude
for Chris, for my ex husband. And you'll notice I
can say his name because him and I are still
friends and him and I have a good relationship. And
also he doesn't give a fuck what I'm doing with
my career. He's not fucking paying attention to me at all.
He's got like a big, fat life and a hot
new girlfriend and like a boom in business and a
great job, and like he's great. He's great, so he
doesn't give a fuck if I talk about it, I
will not say my my most recent ex partner's name
again because the vibes are quite different there. The vibes
are very very different there, and I've, like I said,
I've never I've never done this type of a breakup before.
I do see the benefit in it, but I also
think it's like kind of psychotic, but also whatever. So
but I had such a moment of juxtaposition where I
was able to like really look at these two people
side by side. And when I went home to La
Chris and I went to go spread Biggie's ashes on
the beach. I might have talked about that on the
last podcast, I can't remember, but when we were going
to spread the ashes on the beach, I said to
him I was like, Hey, do you remember when we
were in couples therapy when we were about to get divorced,
and you said to me, you can go out there
and look and you can try and find another man,
but you will never find anyone better than me. And
at the time I thought he was gaslighting me. I
was like, how fucking dare you? Like, don't don't challenge
me to a good time. I was like, but then,
once I've been out in the world and I've experienced
men of varying degrees, and now this last partnership, which
I can't fully call him a man, will say he's
like teetering on manhood but not quite there yet. I was,
I said to him. I was like, you were right,
Like you really see someone's character in a breakup. You
really see someone's character when they don't get what they want,
and you really see who people are when things when
shit hits the fan. They always say, you know who
you're marrying, and you don't know who you're divorcing, And
that rings true to the nth degree for me, Like
Chris was phenomenal, like from start to finish, just phenomenal.
Like sure he didn't get what he wanted either. He
wanted to stay married, and like I wanted to go,
and I don't regret leaving, like I have so much
love and affinity for him and I always will. But
like that was not We were not each other's person forever,
we wrote each other. We rode with each other together
for the time that that made sense, and then like
we departed at the time that made sense. And like
I've said it before, our lives have expanded significantly. And
you know, he was saying, I completely lost my train
of thought. Oh you know, you're marrying. You don't know
who to do. He was so fair during the wars.
He said, take whatever you want, like you know, everything
is yours. I was very fair. I gave him pretty
much this house that I bought. You know, I put
the down payment on. I didn't factor in like how
much of the market had changed, or how much the
interest rates had changed or anything. I just was like,
just take the house. And you know, he ended up
paying me back dollar for dollar what I spent on
the down payment. And like, if I had gotten a lawyer, shure,
I could have like shook more cash out of that situation.
But because he was so kind and he was so
fair and he was so loving through the whole process.
I didn't want to, like I've honestly felt like I
was doing a friend of favor, like that's my fucking homie,
he deserves a house. He's I was seven or eight
years older than me. I can't remember it, Like I
was like, that's my that's my dude, he fucking deserves that,
all right, And so silly me, I expected a similar
level of respect and care in this breakup because because
that's the only way I'd ever experienced a breakup, I
didn't realize how much someone could rear the ugliest side
of themselves and like it was vacillating, right, It wasn't
always just nasty. It was a lot of rage and regret,
a lot of anger. And then also I'm not gonna
say it because it's private, and I'm not gonna say
private stuff anymore, but it's just a lot of like
anger and then with the opposite of anger, and it
was like it was an emotional whiplash I had never
experienced in my life before. But I remember I was
texting logistical things with my current ex and then Chris
had taken some of Biggie's ashes after we spread them
on the beach in Venice, and he's like, I'm going
to take him on this hike that Biggie and I
always used to go on because Bage loved to hike.
He's like, I'm going to take him on this hike
and spread his ashes. And so while I'm going through
this like logistical nightmare of someone actually telling me to
like fucking kick rocks and eat shit, and like I'm
on the lease, and dah da da, my ex texts
me a picture on top of a Chris text me
a picture on top of a mountain that he just
scaled to spread Biggie's ashes, and it was just like
Biggie's little Like I was just like, oh my god,
this is the mark of a man. Like this is
a man. This is a wonderful, wonderful person. And all
that to say, I just feel so grateful that I
even am allowed his friendship and that like he was
mature enough to continue to be a part of my life,
because I just I feel so fortunate that I ever
had a partner that was so kind in the dismount
you know, I would say conversely, they're you know, in
this most recent relationship, like they broke their ankle on
the dismount, and that's just a shame. It's a shame
because it's going to paint the lens of the entire
relationship differently. And it's fucking sad, you guys, Like, I'm
not gonna sit here in nect like this isn't fucking
sad Like I was in you know, I'd been traveling
like crazy. I had I literally found out what happened,
and then I had to go to New York and
then I found a place and then I had to
I came back to Palm Beach for like three days,
and then I had to go to LA for work,
and then I came back for literally I was back
for two days Saturday Sunday. The movers came Monday, and
I was out and I was in the Atlanta airport
on my way back from LA just like sobbing in
the fucking Delta lounge, like just just And it's so
embarrassing when you can't like get it together in public
and you have to like cry in public. I always
like you never know what's going on with anyone. I've
been crying in public a lot lately, Like when I
was on my way from Palm Beach to Denver to
do those shows with Rena. I got the call from
the doctor who put in Biggie's feeding tube that they
found a lump that looked like cancer in his throat.
So even if the feeding tube, you know, and that
was the call that I knew he was gonna die.
I just like the whole flight was crying, like I
just haven't really had a moment to myself to like
get myself together to not be fucking crying. Like I'm like, dude,
I've really gotten my ass kicked these past couple of months.
And like, as painful as it is, I also know
there's like a lot of lessons that I need to learn,
and there's things I need to handle differently moving forward,
and there's things I can do better. And you know,
I don't have a ton of regret how I handled things.
I think I spoke my truth and I you know,
like I said, people don't like the truth about themselves
repeated back to them, But like that doesn't mean it's
not the truth, you know. But I am going to
do my best, Like I'm begging you guys, if you
support the podcast, please join the Patreon because there might
be a world where this does move to a Patreon
only podcast. I don't want you guys to freak out.
I don't want you guys to lose your shit. I
have a few friends who do it that way, and
I think it's just a better way to cultivate community.
And then I can like interact with you guys directly
and like figure out what what you guys want, what
you want to hear, And I think it'll just be
a bit more private. I think there's like a lot
of evil eyes. There's a lot of evil eyes, and
not the ones that bring you protection, like the actual
nasty eyes, like kind of checking out what's going on.
I've never had an episode perform better than the one
saying I'm single and I'm moving to New York. Like
people just laying around praying on my downfall. So anyway,
pray worker so we can end this shit. But yeah, no,
I had I had one other clarifying moment in this,
this breakup, and I want to tell you guys about
it a little bit so and and after this you're
gonna see an outfit change happen, because it's the one
I recruits, half of the one I recorded yesterday and
it's gonna be a completely different vibe, completely different energy.
But there's still some stuff in there that I want
you guys to hear. But if you guys want to
go to a psychic that will like absolutely fuck your
shit up. First of all, someone predicted this, So I
tell you that Salvon, the guy who predicted my dad's
heart problem, also predicted this, this relationship ending and how
it would end. He told me in February. He said
it was actually gonna happen on October. He's always wrong
with dates, but whatever, he's always right with what happens.
But I went to a different one. So his name's
Drew McLain and he's called the Manhattan Medium and if
you want his info, DM me. He's a little more expensive,
but he's never been wrong, which is horrifying. It's horrifying,
Like I just like don't actually understand how, but like
he can be right, but it can be like years out.
So the first time I went to him, I was
like happily married and he's like, oh yeah, He's like
this is gonna probably end. He's like I don't, yeah,
I just don't see this one lasting. Like I think
you're gonna get bored and like, you know, ultimately your
career is going to become more important. And I was
just like, who the fuck is this quack? Like I
was like happily married on Like I was like, how
dare this man say that? And he's like, yeah, I
don't know what the timing is exactly, but I know
what's going to happen. And I was like, okay, fuck you.
And then it happened, and then I texted him. I
was like, oh my god, you psychopath, Like what the fuck?
And it was years later. It literally was like two
and a half years later. I was like, wait, this
guy said this exact thing that was going to happen,
like the career was going to become more important, and
like the priorities were gonna shift and energies were gonna
feel misaligned. And he's like, you're gonna feel like you're
swimming against a current at home and you're gonna want
to break free. And I was just like this motherfucker.
So then I reached out to him and he's like, well,
let's do another reading. But he's so he's booked so
far out in advance, and it's like, okay, whatever, let's
do another reading. So this is right after my divorce.
I remember I was living in like I had this
Hollywood Hill's divorce crash pad and I was living there
and he's like, oh honey, he's like, you better buckle up.
He's like, your shit's about to get rocked, like the
most Like he's like, I don't want to say demonic.
He's like, but it's pretty close to demonic. Like you
are about to meet a guy. He's like six five,
he's blue eyes, blonde hair, he's beautiful, and he is
going to flip you inside out, like to the point
where you have to get sober from sex and love
from sex. Sorry. And I was like what this doesn't
know and he's like, there's also a musician coming, Like
I don't know. He's like, I don't think he's like
a drum He's like I think he's like it starts
with a D, but he's not a drummer. He might
be a DJ. And I was just like, oh god,
this sounds horrible, but like yeah, So first came DJ,
then came if you guys followed the old podcast, you
know who, uh, the one who gave me these tattoos,
And then came my like journey into sex and love
sobriety and then he all he said in that same one,
he's like, your next solmate is coming, and he will
tell you initials. They're not always going to be in
the right order, but there he's like, your next soulmate
is coming, but it's gonna be a while. And his
initials are AMJ and I was like, okay. And every
time I met someone, I would be like no, I
was like, who the fuck even has an A in
their name? And my exes initials are MJA. And he
also said to me, he's like, oh, he's not gonna
be like your traditional type, like he's gonna be like
Middle Eastern or something like that. And I was like again,
like it was like, this guy is a fucking quack.
Like I'm not attracted to those types of men, no offense,
it's just not my preference. And yeah, old boy is
half Syrian. So I just was like, oh my god,
this fucking guy. But it did take me three years
before I met him, and then I texted him and
because he's so booked out, I was like, oh my god,
it happened again. You fucking predicted the initials of the
guy that I'm like dating and moving to Palm Beach
for and blah blah blah blah. And he's like, oh
my god, Bud, and he's like, if you give me
like a review, because he's like trying to, you know,
grow the business. Obviously everyone's trying to grow their business.
He's like, if you give me a review, I'll do
like a free thirty minute session with you. And I
was like, okay, we put it on the books again.
Unbeknownst to anyone, we put it on the books literally
three days after my ex and I really hit the
fucking skids. We really hit the skids, and I go
to this this medium and he's like, oh honey. He's like,
this is ending and it's ending bad. He's like, you're
gonna see who this man actually is and you're not
gonna like it. And he was right, and he's told
me some specific things that I'm not going to repeat
that literally happened two or three days later, like very
specific interactions, and I was like, collect my pearls because
the other things he told me. He's like, if you
hang around and if you wait, this just gets worse
and it doesn't get better. And he's like, you know,
very insecure, and they're like, you know, just like things
that like we could have all pieced together. And I
was like, Okay, I think I'm good. And then he
told me, he's like, but if you leave, and he's like,
I'm seeing like flat Iron, I'm seeing New York. He's like,
he's like, I see the next chapter for you being
in New York. And he's like and he's like, you
are not shy on soulmates. He's like, another one will come.
He's like, it's probably not gonna happen fast, but it
will happen. And I'm like fine with that. I'm fine
it sold me. Take your time, dog, if you're out there,
if you hear me right now, big dog, fucking chill.
You just take a lo lazy river to Mama whenever
you're ready. Because I am not in the mood. I'm
not in the mood for a soulmate. I'm not in
the mood for a soul tie. I'm not in the
mood for somebody who I knew in the past life
again like that, but past life shit, whether or not
you believe in it, that's your own business. I fucking
believe in it. I believe one hundred percent. That's what
happened with this person I just got out of a
relationship with, and that soul tie. It was like both
of us were locked in, not in like a love
bombing way like in augh I found you way. And
it was the most challenging eleven month relationship of my life.
It was the most challenging relationship of my life. It
was hard as fuck. It did not feel easy. It
often did not feel fun. It felt like we were
there to like teach each other something, and I think
we did. I hope we did. I know that I
learned a lot. I think he learned a lot. Again.
If I ever loved you once, I'll love you always.
I'm never going to not love somebody that I once
loved or have love for them, at least like I might.
It might not actively be like I love you, I
love you, but it's like I I have so much
love for you and such a profound, such profound respect
for the position you held in my life while you
held it. And I feel so full of joy and
light and love, and I feel lighter, and I feel brighter,
and I just feel like I know, I just keep
waking up every day being like I think something amazing,
it's gonna happen. I think something amazing it's gonna happen.
I go tobout it and I being like, I think
something amazing is gonna happen, and I do. I just
feel like amazing things are happening all the time, and
they might not be huge, amazing like breakthrough things, but
I just do feel like divinely protected and supported. And
New York is beautiful this time of year, and I'm
sad to obviously not be going on my trips. Everyone
wants to go on fucking trips, you know what I mean,
Like everyone wants to go on their trips with their
man in the summer. But I might be going on
some trips with some girlfriends. And listen, there's a little
more podcast coming up for you, guys. I'm gonna switch
back over into who I was yesterday and you get
to see that version of me. That version of me
might be like a little more of a bummer. But
I love you all best sies, and I will see
you next week. So I wanted to share with you guys.
I've been reading this book all year called The Pivot Year,
because I felt like this year was a pivot year
before it showed me that it was a pivot year.
And it's a book of it's three hundred and sixty
five days to become the person you truly want to be.
It's by Brianna West and it just one day, like
one affirmation a day. And right now I'm on day
fifty three and this really spoke to me and I
just want to share it with you guys, because I
thought it was I thought it was insightful Day fifty three.
Nothing is wrong with you. You are supposed to have
days in which you are so self assured, followed by
nights where you gaze into the sky and wonder if
that's all there is. You're supposed to have years that
feel like weeks and weeks that feel like years. You're
supposed to get rejected sometimes, you're supposed to have people
disagree with you at times. You're supposed to be a
little lost now and again, you are not supposed to
have all of the answers. Nothing is wrong with you?
And I thought this was so interesting just for today,
is because I have I have been feeling these feelings recently,
like what's wrong with me? At what am I doing
with my life? Where am I going? Where's this all headed?
And I do have such faith in God and like
divine redirection and everything like that, but like there are
days where I'm like, how is this my life? Like
I really didn't envision my life at thirty seven to
be single, living in a studio apartment by myself, having
moved twice in under four months. Like I just didn't
think this was my journey. But the truth is, you
don't know what your journey is. And I think you
know your higher power knows what your journey is, and
it will make sure that you're on the right track
at you know, at the right time. And so even
if you're feeling lost, or even if you're feeling like
something's wrong with you, nothing is wrong with you. We
are all just people and we are all just doing
our best. And I think if you wake up in
the morning and you have intentional gratitude, and even when
things are bad, like I do not think my life
is bad right now. I really don't. Like bad things
have happened, but my life is not bad. I'm so
excited to see what the next chapter has in store.
But it's really hard in these moments of pause when
you're going through extreme change to keep the gaze forward
and just not look back right it is. It's I
think it's easy and it's human for us to all
look back and be like, did I fuck that up?
Did I make the right move? Did I say the
right thing? Did I act the right way? And you know,
I've been confronted with a lot of the things I've
said on this podcast not being the kindest or the
right thing to say. And while it was my truth,
it's not always right to share that. And you know,
the big lesson that I'm having this week is I
need to exercise discernment in what I share publicly, you know.
And it's something I struggled with on the last podcast too.
I just felt like it was oversharing and there was
like no part of me that was sacred, and I
felt like I lost myself a little bit to the podcast.
But like at the end of the day, I get
so many messages from people saying like, what you're doing
is important and please don't stop, And you guys are
the most loving, supportive group of people, and I'm so grateful.
Like the best part of my week every week is
when I get to sit down and do this podcast.
I love hearing from you guys. I love knowing what's
going on in your lives. I love being able to
be just a small part of your life, even if
it's just Monday morning, you know, even if it's just
Monday morning when we're hanging out together and you guys
are commuting to work or you know, whatever it is.
I just hope I'm bringing a small fraction of joy
to your life. But just know, for the people that
I've heard, I'm also very sorry, and I do. I
feel like I can do better, and I want to
do better. And I have been having these thoughts like
what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I
keep my mouth shut? Why can't I let people just
do what they do and me not yap about it.
But like, another thing I've really been noticing this year
is people don't like when I tell the truth, you know,
like when the truth about you makes you look bad,
you don't want to hear it, especially not publicly, especially
not you know, sometimes I forget that people even listen
to this podcast. I feel like it's just like three
of us hanging out in a room, braiding each other's hair,
telling each other's secrets and I have to stop with
that mentality, and I have to be more meaningful with
the things I say and what I put out into
the world and know how deeply it affects other people.
And I have had quite a year, like a lot
has gone tits up, and I've had a lot of
I've experienced a lot of rage this year, which I
want to talk about because like I don't consider myself
an angry person, I don't consider myself a rageful person.
I have felt more rage this year than I've ever
felt in my life, and a lot of it has
been things that have happened to me, you know. Obviously,
what happened when we first got to Palm Beach with
the designers made me very angry. What happened when Biggie
past made me very angry. This recent breakup made me
very angry. Like there's been a lot of anger. And
what I do need to remember is the beauty and
the pause, right, like not always speaking the second something happens,
like take a minute, evaluate it a little better. I'm
just doing my best. But I have been like the
past two days being like should I quit this podcast?
Like I am I just fucking my shit up? And
everyone else's shut up, And like, is this like really
worth it to have people that I once really cared
about be in a place where they like want to
block me publicly because they don't want to hear another
word I say. I do need to figure that out,
and I do need to exercise discernments. So moving forward,
that is going to be what I do and how
I operate on this podcast. I'm going to do my best,
all right, I'm gonna do my best. And I do
think some of the tea and the Patreon is still
going to be there. I do want to share parts
of my life, just not maybe quite so publicly, and
that's that's a challenge for me. You know, I've always
been a yapper and keeping my mom shut is a challenge.
And there was a time in my life, Sorry one second,
there was a time in my life when I was
incredibly private and when people didn't know a lot about me,
and I was kind of more of an enigma and mysterious.
And that was obviously before I started podcasting. And then
I started podcasting. I'm like, blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah, but no, I want to focus more on
mental health stuff. I want to talk to you guys
about your journey with sobriety. I want to talk to
you guys about your journey and your own relationships and
your own lives. And maybe instead of me just constantly
sharing about me and what's going on, I can use
my experiences to relate to yours and help you guys
through you know, the things that you're going through. And
so that is my goal moving forward. I do want
to do more Badvice. I think that's just a good
that's a good spot for us. It's a good spot
because you guys feel heard. I feel like I can
be helpful and I don't necessarily have to share every
single thing about my life. Sure, on that note, I'm
gonna get into bad Vice. This episode's gonna be a
little shorter. I just I'm exhausted, you guys. I never
ever ever want to miss a week. And I'm gonna
start having a lot more guests. Son, I'm so excited
to be in New York where there's so many comedians
that I can have on. Hopefully my podcast setup will
be ready in a couple of weeks. It's probably gonna
be in my bed for the next like two weeks.
But then after that everything will be set up. I'll
have a cute little studio. I'm gonna have guests. We're
gonna have so much fun this summer. I can't wait.
It's hot girl summer. You guys, everyone is single right now.
Everyone is single, and by that I mean me and
Meg the Stallion and Meg the Stallion dropped a banger.
If you guys haven't heard it, well, she didn't drop
it yet. She previewed it. Her fucking distract to Klay
Thompson is hilarious, and it's just feeling like hot girl summer.
And listen at the big age of thirty seven. Did
I really want to be having a hot girl summer.
I'm gonna be honest, No, I wanted to be inside
with my man. I wanted to be traveling with my man.
We had so many fun travel plans. We were supposed
to go to Italy, we were supposed to go to
Saint Bart's. We had like just the best summer planned,
and like sometimes make plans and got to laugh, and
that is just truly what happened to me this year.
I made a bunch of plans and God was like,
absolutely fucking not bitch, and so now instead of you know,
going on those fun trips with my man, I'm gonna
take some fun trips with my girlfriends. But I honestly
might just chill in New York and figure out the
comedy scene and like try and just embed myself here
a little more. I feel very excited about what's coming
up next. Okay, so let's rip into this bad vice.
Shall we get in request bad vice? Okay, hy Britt,
I recently cut out alcohol over a year ago. Congrats.
I decided to do this because I was struggling with
my mental health and had really bad depression. Addiction also
runs in my family. My goal was to get one
year of no alcohol, which I did. I'm getting married
this year and have my bachelorette trip coming up. I've
been struggling with my decision on if I should reintroduce
alcohol just for occasions or if I should stay sober.
Cutting out alcohol didn't fix my mental health like I
thought it would, but I think it's helped a little.
It used to be a party girl, so I can't
imagine going on my bachelorette trip and not drinking. I
would love to get your advice. Okay, this is a
tough one. This is a This is a tough one
because mental health issues are so serious, right, and you
need to get treated for that first, And when you're sober,
you are able to get properly treated for depression or
whatever other mental health stuff you're dealing with, because there's
not there's not something interfering with your mental health, right,
Like alcohol and drugs are a real interference of how
you actually are because they are you know, they can
temporarily take you away from or numb out the pain
of struggles with mental health. But then when the effects
of drugs or alcohol we're off, you're then usually confronted
with something much worse and much darker. And I think
if you've made it a year and you're feeling even
a little better, I wouldn't reintroduce alcohol, especially not for
a bachelorette trip, because this is what happens. So when
you take the time off from alcohol, like we as
party girls, as a retired party girl myself, right, we
were used to drinking at a certain level, Like I
could drink anyone under a fucking table. Not proud of it,
I just could. If you reintroduce it, it's almost like
starting all over again from when you were like sixteen
or fifteen or I don't know what age you were
when you started drinking twenty twenty one, twenty one, when
you were twenty one, right legally, but it's like starting
over again. You have to like build your tolerance up
to it. You're gonna have moments where you're like slurring
and sloppy after like two drinks, and you're like, wait,
this isn't fun. This isn't like the version of myself
that I remember that was like a curated party girl
who knew how to handle her shit. Right, Like, you're
starting over again, and I just do not think the
right place to start over would be a bachelorette party,
because I do think that has the potential to ruin
your bachelorette Like, I'm just gonna be honest. Like, also,
like when you're sober, you're able to manage your emotions,
and when you start drinking, you're really not. Like you
can get really sad. Obviously, you can also have a
great time and feel really happy, but like there is
the variable, especially if you have depression where you could
feel really fucking sad, and like, imagine you have three
drinks and then you start crying and you're like, I
don't even know if I was supposed to be marrying
this guy, and like I do think it has a
real possibility to fuck your shit up. So my advice
would be, if you've made it a year, challenge yourself
to make it a year and six months and if
you you know, if you need and a lot of
people when they quit drinking, they need an end, you
know what I mean? They can't. That's why in the
program they always say one day at a time, because
we can't imagine our whole lives without it, right, Like,
no fucking way. This was my whole life. My whole
life was drinking, and now my whole life is supposed
to be not drinking. That's insane. So like for me,
when I quit drinking, I told people I'm taking a break.
I'm taking a break for a couple months. I'm taking
a break. I'll be back. I'll be back, And I
too was like maybe when I hit a year, I'll
be able to drink wine again. But then, like you
hit the year, and if you look around, your life
does get better. Like, I don't know, you didn't give
me tons of details on how it's only gotten a
little bit better. But like for me again, like my clarity,
my skin, my my mental health is what happened with me,
and my mental health is my mental health issues became
way more pronounced in sobriety because I was successful self
medicating with alcohol and drugs and it was working, and
I was always in such a bleary state of delusion
that like I couldn't even identify as somebody who had
mental health problems because I just thought I was hungover
and I just needed another drink, you know what I mean.
So like it does get so much clearer. And that's
why I ultimately ended up getting on lexapro was because
I had long term sobriety, full sobriety. You know, I
had three years and then I started doing you guys
know the story. I go back and forth. But I
had three years I started doing, and then I got
another three years, okay, And in both of those three years,
my depression was the worst it had ever been. But
I couldn't even identify it as depression because I was like, oh,
this is just how I am when I'm sober, Like
this is just who I am. I didn't even realize
it was depression and like, the person who saved my
life is doctor Shannon Curry. I don't know if you
remember her. She came on This is the Worst an
Old podcast, and her and Brittany and I went to
a lunch. It was like a year and a half
ago and it was one of these days we're on paper.
The day was perfect. I woke up, I went to
soul Cycle, I went to Soho House. I got brunch
with Brittany and Shannon, and then afterwards they were going
to go back to Britney's house because Tommy was like
making music or whatever. They're like, do you want to come?
And I didn't. I just was like, for whatever reason,
I fucking couldn't. And instead I went home and got
in bed and I started googling. I started googling trips
to Sweden because they have that suicide pod, and I
was like, I think, I just I think I just
have to go do this. And while I was literally
looking at flights, she called me. Doctor Shannon called me
and she's like, hey, buddy, I'm not trying to overstep,
but I've been doing this for years. You have crushing
depression and I want to I want to see you
get out of this and I want to see you.
I want to see you feeling better. And she told
me about it out how Hymns and Hers the hair
regrowth site has now become like a full three sixty
health site. She's like, it's really easy. You go on there,
you take a survey and it can tell you you
know what level your depression is. And she's like, I
would try Lexapro. Lexapro is the one that has worked
the best for me, and it has worked the best
for the majority of my clients. And da da da
da da. And so I'm like, Okay, I'll toggle over
and I'll see what's going on over there. But like
I still kept the flights to Sweden up, said Sweden
or Switzerland, I don't. I probably would have gone to
the wrong country. With my luck, I would have been like,
it's not even here, just jump off a tall building. No.
So I did it, and I got treated for my
mental health. And while my life has been so challenging,
I still, as long as I take my Lexapro, do
not have thoughts of suicidal ideation. I really thought all
of us were waking up every single day the same
way I was, which was just like this crushing weight
of like do I do this day or do I
get the fuck out here? And and that's not true,
that's not how people are living. So long story long,
before you decide to start drinking again, go to a
psychiatrist and get evaluated and try meds, because like there's
a real good chance, like you just need meds and
you don't need the alcohol. And you know, I also
read somewhere that lexapro, I don't know what the exact
terminology was, like softens the effects of alcohol, so like
if you drink on lexipro, you don't necessarily feel it.
And I thought that was really interesting because then I'm like,
that's that's actually kind of a miracle in its own right,
because for those of us who did drink to cure
our depression, if we get on depression medication, that's working
and then the drinking does kind of nothing. And that
what a dream, right, What a dream? What a dream
that is? So I would say, go ahead, get yourself
a psychiatrist meeting first, get medicated, or even just go
on hers dot com and do the same test I did.
Whatever mental health stuff you're struggling with, I think they
mostly focus on depression and anxiety. There are like more
complex things that I don't think they can do, like borderliners, getsprennier, bipolar, Like,
I'm not sure that they can help with those. But
I would say, don't revert back to drinking right before
the wedding because also, like there's nothing Oh, a fucking
Amazon packaging. Sorry, this Amazon delivery driver is an up.
You fucking trying to ruin our podcast. There's nothing worse
than a drunk bride. There's nothing worse. And I will
tell you that as someone who is a drunk bride.
I mean the pictures I have flop sweat like shack
at the foul line. I do not look as good
as I could have looked. I also got way too
much botox before my wedding. I was I didn't even
need to. I was twenty seven, twenty eight, I didn't
have a single wrinkle on my face, and I got
like all this botox. When I smiled, I looked terrified
and terrifying. And so those are my two tips. Don't
be drunk at your wedding and uh, don't get fifty
units of fucking botox for the first time ever two
weeks before your wedding. That Ischrisy Christy shit. Okay, let's
rock and roll into our next bad vice. Okay, so
this one isn't necessarily bad vice, but it's an interesting
DM I got and I want to address it. The
guy said, Hey, as a guy with insecurities and being
a good looking guy, i've I would love to tell
people my story of love and sex, the story from
the other side. Girls always talk about big dick energy
and what that does to normal guys and maybe below
average guys is pretty hectic. Lots of guys thinks we
lots of guys think we aren't enough because of the
porn industry and our girls' exes, et cetera. I would
love you to hear from a complete bang, wait, from
a complete bang on an average guy that's married. Hmm Okay,
I don't think this makes a ton of sense, but basically,
I think what he's saying is that he is good
looking and he's insecure, and it sounds like he doesn't
have a big dick, and that's okay. Here's the thing.
Here's the thing guys need to know the big dick energy.
That's an energy thing. That's just like a confidence. Think like,
I don't know if you just saw. It came out
recently that Paul Rudd has a huge dick. Great news, right.
He did a podcast where he was talking about how
big his dick is and I was like, that makes
a lot of sense. But it's like, you can tell
he does because he's calm, cool, collected confident. Right, So
you can be calm, cool, collected confident without having a
massive dick. I have hooked up with guys that are calm, cool,
collected confident, and I was like, this guy's gonna have
a fang on him, and he didn't, and he had
a blow average dick. But if you act like you
got the sauce, then you got the sauce. Because confidence
is an illusion, right, confidence can control anyone into anything.
When I was young, when I was in college and
I was getting into the clubs, I just was confident.
That's how I got in. I didn't have a fake ID.
I was just confident. I was like, I'm I made
friends with the door guys and I would just like
walk in. I would bring a whole drove of underage
people with me and they would just do whatever because
I had the confidence of somebody who was older, right,
And so when it was my twenty first birthday and
I went to the club to celebrate that, They're like,
excuse me, what you've been eighteen, nineteen twenty this whole time?
And I'm like, you bet you, but I acted older.
So that's the thing. It's like, and that goes with
anything in life. Just like acting like you belong is
so important. Like when I walk into comedy clubs, it's
easy to be intimidated. There's big dogs all around me, right,
but like, you got to act like you belong there
because you fucking do. And at the end of the day,
everyone has some sort of complex about themselves. So if
you have a complex about your dick and its size,
don't just don't. Like literally, I I some real I've
had some really really great sex with guys who do
not have a thang on them at all, And like,
that sort of energy just comes from you being actually
confident person. It doesn't have anything to do with your
dick size. And I will say, as a woman, confidence
is one of the most attractive things in the world.
That's something I was very attracted to in my ex
Both of my exes very very very fucking confident dudes.
They're confident, they're funny, they're cool, they're and yeah they
had good dicks too, but it wasn't like whoa dicks.
And also, I'm gonna say this as at the big
age of thirty seven, I don't want any of those
big dicks anymore. They hurt me. You have to be
so unbelievably horny to even let that inside of you.
Like I don't know if you know this about vagina's.
They're short. The only way they expand is if we're
like very horny, and like most guys no offense don't
know how to get us very horny. So like an
average dick is actually great, Like an average dick is
actually just fine. And if your dick is not what
you want it to be, it's not what we hoped
and dreamed of because we're watching these porns and we're like, whoa,
it could be so much bigger. Get good with your hands,
my guy, or your mouth. Like watch if you're watching porn,
watch a YouTube tutorial on how to find the G
spot or the clit, because that's all you need to find.
And the G spot is like four and three and
a half inches in it's just hook up. You gotta
hook up. Guys who finger straight like they're shooting a
gun like boom boo boo boo boom, they should be
shot with the finger gun because that like, you're just
poking my fucking cervix. I don't know what you're even
doing up there. Guys do like the little hook, the
little hook, because that's where the G spot is. Okay,
the G spot in like a little like you just
got a hook up in there, and then finding the
clip wouldn't kill you. It's literally not that hard. It's
a little button at the top, and sometimes it's covered
in a little bit of fucking bologny. But you can
dig through that shit like a fucking you can dig
through it like an ant eater, and you can get it,
and you can find it. And I believe in you,
and that is where your confidence is gonna come from,
because confidence should actually come from making women come. If
you know how to make a woman come, it doesn't
matter if you don't have a dick. Why do you
think lesbians are so confident they you don't need to
have a dick to make women really really fucking happy.
Like and so if yours is blow average or you're
not just like you're not super stoked on it, learn
other tricks. And it sounds like you're married, and I
bet your wife would be really open to you like
exploring and trying new things on her, especially if it's
going to ultimately lead to more pleasure for her. And
it might be like, yeah, you're learning. It might be
like a little uncomfortable for a while, but then like
you're gonna get it, and it's gonna give you confidence
because you're gonna be like, I gave her a mind
blowing orgasm. And if you can't find the clip with
your finger or your tongue or whatever, go get a
womanizer and just stick that puppy on there while you're
while you're having sex, and you're gonna feel your wife's
vagina do things you never knew it could. It's gonna
turn into a Chinese finger trap, my guy. Okay, all right,
Well this episode has been pretty fucking hectic. I dropped
word of the week. I don't think any of you
guys are gonna care at all. I don't think any
of you guys wanted to come on that journey with
me about getting smarter. I've had so many of you
be like, we don't care about this at all. I'll
just keep going on my own with that journey, and
I'll just keep getting words like acrimonious. Did you guys
notice acrimonious and acrimony. That was a good one. That
was a good one. Um. But yeah, I love you
guys so much. Sorry it was a little out low energy. Sorry,
and you know, sorry, I just can't can't be so
funny every episode. Sometimes you're going through too much to
be like giggle giggle, giggle sticks. But I am very
excited about some of the guests that I'm gonna have
on when I when I, you know, keep doing these
podcasts here in New York. There's so many people to
to choose from and hang out with, and I think
we're gonna have such a good time together. And I
know you guys loved that episode with Charlotte. There's a
chance she's coming to New York and we will shoot again.
I'm also gonna have Ellie Colbert back next week. So yeah,
we have a lot of fun. We are gonna have
a lot of fun this summer. All right, you guys,
It's gonna be hot girl summer. It's gonna be hot
bestie summer. Hbs bitches. We're gonna be out, We're gonna
be hot, we're gonna have fun. We're not gonna date.
I gave it a gander. I gave it a thought,
you know. I got on Riyah for like two seconds,
and I was like, ugh, like just the thought of
a man. It's oppressive and no offense. Men. I love you.
I love men, and I do want to eventually be
with a man who's at my level and a partner
and a wonderful you know. I think they bring so
much value. But right now, Mama's steel is still healing.
I'm still going through a fucking lot, you know. And yeah,
I'll see you next week. I'll be in a better mood.
I'll have a little more energy. I didn't sleep well
last night because the Knicks won that insane game where
it was like they were down by thirty and then
all of a sudden they came back and one and
then like there were sirens in the street and people
like rioting until like three in the morning, which is
an interesting juxtaposition, right when someone when a whole city
is so excited and they're rioting, and I'm like in bed,
like did I just fuck my whole life up, did
I h No, I actually wasn't thinking that. I'm just
having anxiety about like getting my space in order. If
I'm honest, you guys know me. I'm a Taurus. I
need my space to be in order. And the movers
just came the other day, and I have so much
shit to unpack and so many things to buy, and
you know, I just got shit to do. Babies, I
got shit to do, Besties. But I love you all
so much and I hope you have the best, best,
best best week ever. And if you haven't subscribed to
the Patreon, please do. I'm I'm not telling you this
to taunt you. I'm telling you this to be honest.
My stuff, like my real stuff, is going on the Patreon.
This podcast is going to be a little more broad strokes.
We might do, like a little more I don't know,
entertainment news or world news, or just responding to stories
that are going on out in the world. It's just
gonna be a little lighter and a little bit less
about me, because there's a crushing way when I have
to share every single thing that's going on in my life,
and I don't want to do that until the end
of time. That's just like, not my journey. But I
love you guys so much. And sub the Patreon it's
just Brittany Schmidt on Patreon. And then what else? I
was gonna say? One more thing? He la la la
la la Oh. This week we're pausing on the Artist's Way.
We are going to get back to the artists Way
next week. I lost the book. If I'm gonna be
com honest, I don't know where the book went in
the move. So we're pausing the artist week artists Away
this week. We're gonna get back to it next week.
Go if you can give me five stars on Spotify
or Apple Music or wherever you listen to your podcast,
share with the friends. We're still growing. We still want
to get this thing. We still want to get this
thing going. And I love you guys so much. I
hope you have the best week and I will see
you next week. Bye, besties,