WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.599 It's raining, the kind of hard, unrelenting rain that only 2 00:00:06.639 --> 00:00:08.839 comes in the shoulder months, a pool or October, when 3 00:00:08.839 --> 00:00:10.640 you're never sure if it's safe to pack away your 4 00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:13.880 heavy curt our. Windows, fog in the little kitchen, blur 5 00:00:13.960 --> 00:00:15.679 in the high street's head lights, until all I can 6 00:00:15.679 --> 00:00:17.719 really see is my own reflection as I stare brown 7 00:00:17.719 --> 00:00:21.800 garlic through pasta. It's Thursday, which means it's Thursday. Surprise, Night, 8 00:00:22.480 --> 00:00:24.399 Julius sways up and down. I once made it up, 9 00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:26.600 but the truth is she started it one Thursday, four 10 00:00:26.679 --> 00:00:28.879 years ago. I opened the door to her standing barefoot 11 00:00:28.920 --> 00:00:31.199 on the counter, balancing a pizza on one hand like 12 00:00:31.239 --> 00:00:34.320 a silks performer. To Night's surprise means I'm making her 13 00:00:34.359 --> 00:00:37.840 favorite linguine with caramelized onions and that tangy peppery goat cheese. 14 00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:40.200 I had to trick across the city for I've set 15 00:00:40.200 --> 00:00:42.679 the table with the worried blue vas She likes napkins 16 00:00:42.679 --> 00:00:45.759 folded in a way she always teases me about. I'm trying. 17 00:00:45.840 --> 00:00:48.880 You know, it used to be easy. Now I have 18 00:00:48.960 --> 00:00:52.159 to remind myself. Her text comes at six on the dot, 19 00:00:52.280 --> 00:00:54.240 and I read it twice first to make sure and 20 00:00:54.280 --> 00:00:56.759 then because something Emmy always aches for her messages, even 21 00:00:56.759 --> 00:00:59.600 now after so many running late after class, might go 22 00:00:59.600 --> 00:01:01.960 for a quick drink with the team. Love you, she 23 00:01:02.079 --> 00:01:05.120 draws in the excommission shoots me an emojia wineglass with 24 00:01:05.200 --> 00:01:09.280 jazz hands. I smile, I try to. It isn't the 25 00:01:09.280 --> 00:01:11.480 first time she's be late lately, and honestly, her new 26 00:01:11.480 --> 00:01:13.959 class is a huge deal. She's proud of it. And 27 00:01:14.079 --> 00:01:17.239 nine and two there's no shame in thriving. I set 28 00:01:17.239 --> 00:01:19.120 her plate in the oven to keep it warm. I 29 00:01:19.200 --> 00:01:22.439 kill time with emails, Shuffle for Spotify playlist, Refresh her 30 00:01:22.439 --> 00:01:24.719 Instagram to see if maybe there's a poeto. Nothing new, 31 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:27.239 just a group shot from earlier in the week, everyone 32 00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:30.959 in black leggings, with those impossible accidental poses. I work 33 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:34.480 at not worrying. I'm not her keeper. She needs friends. 34 00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:36.959 She's allow of fun, all those things ye think when 35 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:39.000 ye want to believe the best, or at least play 36 00:01:39.040 --> 00:01:41.959 at being cull and evolved. The rain picks up sheets 37 00:01:41.959 --> 00:01:44.560 against the window acoustically, until the apartment feels like the 38 00:01:44.560 --> 00:01:46.760 whull of a ship, a little isolated, a little lost. 39 00:01:47.359 --> 00:01:49.480 By eight, the pastas dried along the edges of the 40 00:01:49.519 --> 00:01:52.439 pan despite the heat from the oven. By nine thirty 41 00:01:52.480 --> 00:01:54.920 I've texted her again, All good should I wait up? 42 00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:58.519 No reply. By the time she finally comes in, it's 43 00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:00.959 after ten thirty. I hear her before I see her 44 00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:03.000 at the jingle of her keys. How heals unfamiliar to 45 00:02:03.000 --> 00:02:06.400 a always creaky floor. She's flush, dark, hair loose from 46 00:02:06.439 --> 00:02:08.639 its practice. Braid eyeline are smudged in a way I 47 00:02:08.719 --> 00:02:10.879 used to cold, smoky, but to night is just messy. 48 00:02:11.479 --> 00:02:14.120 She comes in fast, almost crashing the door behind her, 49 00:02:14.199 --> 00:02:16.120 and stands at the entrance, shaking her hair out like 50 00:02:16.120 --> 00:02:19.240 a dog trying to rude itself of rain. Hey, I 51 00:02:19.319 --> 00:02:21.280 try to sound breezy, even though it's quiet in a 52 00:02:21.319 --> 00:02:24.560 way that feels new between us. Well, Ben, I'm so sorry. 53 00:02:25.080 --> 00:02:27.599 She drops her bag by the shoes, peels off her jacket. 54 00:02:28.199 --> 00:02:31.159 The air around her shop laid wine, citrus perfume, an 55 00:02:31.240 --> 00:02:33.240 edge of sweat that always means she's had a big glass. 56 00:02:33.719 --> 00:02:36.479 She smells expensive, like someone fresh off an evening out, 57 00:02:36.680 --> 00:02:39.439 and that startles me because Julia doesn't drink much, or 58 00:02:39.439 --> 00:02:41.360 at least she never used to, not beyond a glass 59 00:02:41.360 --> 00:02:45.319 at dinner. You okay, I ask, mindlessly, shifting our plates 60 00:02:45.319 --> 00:02:47.479 around as if late night dinner is still on the table. 61 00:02:48.039 --> 00:02:51.680 She's already walking away toward the bedroom. Networking thing ran late. 62 00:02:51.759 --> 00:02:54.520 You know how it goes. Sorry, baby, She doesn't meet 63 00:02:54.560 --> 00:02:56.800 my eyes, instead flicking her damp hair into a bun 64 00:02:56.879 --> 00:02:59.599 and rubbing her forehead with a distracted hand. I let 65 00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:02.520 out a salt fluff, mostly from myself. Guess I picked 66 00:03:02.520 --> 00:03:05.199 the wrong night for pasta. She pauses in the whole way, 67 00:03:05.240 --> 00:03:07.560 clounces that the table is so startled by its neatness, 68 00:03:07.599 --> 00:03:11.000 then manages a faint smile. Looks amazing, I'm starving, but 69 00:03:11.319 --> 00:03:13.840 I smell like a gym locker. Let me rinse off. 70 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:16.560 The question has an edge of dread. She's avoiding me, 71 00:03:16.680 --> 00:03:19.840 but I tell myself she's just wiped. Yeah, dinner can 72 00:03:19.879 --> 00:03:21.919 wait five minutes, I say, though we both know it's 73 00:03:21.960 --> 00:03:25.000 not five minutes. She disappears into the bathroom and the 74 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:28.879 water starts instantly, drowning out any chance of conversation. After 75 00:03:28.919 --> 00:03:30.879 half an hour, I push her plate into the fridge 76 00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:33.319 and turn off the kitchen light. When she comes out, 77 00:03:33.319 --> 00:03:35.479 she's already got on that old final sleep shirt she 78 00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:38.759 reserves for headaches. She crawls into bed, scrolling her phone 79 00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:41.879 beneath the covers. I brush my teeth in silence, wanting 80 00:03:41.919 --> 00:03:43.960 to ask more, wanting to pull her back from whatever 81 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:47.159 place she's lost in. Instead, I set my glasses on 82 00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:49.680 the nightstand and listen to her Breathe already's low and distant, 83 00:03:49.719 --> 00:03:52.919 as if she's fallen asleep on purpose. That's not Julia, 84 00:03:53.639 --> 00:03:55.560 or it is, but it's changed, and I can't name how. 85 00:03:56.280 --> 00:04:00.599 Not yet. It wasn't always this way, of course. I 86 00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:03.039 met Duly the kind of night that makes you superstitious. 87 00:04:03.719 --> 00:04:06.319 Our crawl twenty nine years old, full of myself for 88 00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:08.800 knowing about some pop up gallery and a warehouse, expecting 89 00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:11.280 to be the most interesting person in the room. She 90 00:04:11.439 --> 00:04:13.360 was there on a dare, dragged in by a friend 91 00:04:13.360 --> 00:04:15.719 from her spin class, wearing a red dress of bright 92 00:04:15.759 --> 00:04:18.120 You couldn't ignore her. She tried to get me to 93 00:04:18.199 --> 00:04:21.079 house after two glasses of cheap wine. I said I 94 00:04:21.120 --> 00:04:23.120 had two left feet, and she accused me of a 95 00:04:23.199 --> 00:04:26.319 lack of imagination. She moved like someone electric, but her 96 00:04:26.319 --> 00:04:29.720 confidence wasn't intimidating, just expansive, like I was allowed inside 97 00:04:29.720 --> 00:04:32.079 her world if I could laugh at myself. We married 98 00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:34.040 a little over a year later twenty seven from me 99 00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:36.839 twenty six for her and life move quick. I landed 100 00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:39.120 a junior account road at a bitiicat agency. She was 101 00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:41.319 the doll in of three city gyms by then, already 102 00:04:41.319 --> 00:04:45.040 getting offers to branch out, kerch teach classes, run workshops. 103 00:04:45.439 --> 00:04:47.319 We didn't have the big house with rolling fund. Some 104 00:04:47.360 --> 00:04:49.920 people manage after a few years, but we made you. 105 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:51.720 Stayed in the little maud and walk up on Maine, 106 00:04:51.800 --> 00:04:54.079 went for ten mile hikes at least one day every weekend, 107 00:04:54.240 --> 00:04:56.879 did big city things like splitting groceries and bar tabs 108 00:04:56.920 --> 00:04:59.600 with cash. It wasn't flashy, but it fit us out 109 00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:02.279 least that's how I thought of it. For our first 110 00:05:02.319 --> 00:05:05.079 three years, we never missed a single Thursday date, not 111 00:05:05.199 --> 00:05:07.079 even when we had to improvise with take out sushi 112 00:05:07.160 --> 00:05:09.839 on the hoode of our car. There were rituals, Lunches 113 00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:11.959 at that ancient cafe with the wobbly tables, brunch at 114 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:13.879 the bookstore when neither one of us wanted to talk 115 00:05:13.920 --> 00:05:16.519 to waistaff Sundays spent badgering each other, but work. Tell 116 00:05:16.519 --> 00:05:17.759 me you were high in your low for the wheat 117 00:05:17.839 --> 00:05:21.040 was Julia's annoying, ernest, favored. I don't mean to pretend 118 00:05:21.040 --> 00:05:24.800 it was perfect. Julia was always more kinetic. I used 119 00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:26.519 to joke that she'd take three jobs at once if 120 00:05:26.519 --> 00:05:29.240 her body would let her. She was restless with ambition, 121 00:05:29.360 --> 00:05:31.600 and I found it dazzling, even as it sometimes made 122 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:33.920 me feel like a footprint in her rush forward. I 123 00:05:33.959 --> 00:05:36.199 got used to being the support of husband, the quiet 124 00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:38.480 guy beside her. When she hosted an inventor, got another 125 00:05:38.519 --> 00:05:42.199 fitness column published, I liked it, maybe too much. My 126 00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:44.360 work was stable, a little boring, but it gave me 127 00:05:44.399 --> 00:05:46.240 an excuse to be her biggest hype man. As she 128 00:05:46.279 --> 00:05:49.800 always said, other cracks you only see later after the fact. 129 00:05:50.600 --> 00:05:54.720 Probably lately our conversations fell shallow, like with skimming the 130 00:05:54.720 --> 00:05:57.600 surface of things that matter. Text at work used to 131 00:05:57.600 --> 00:05:59.319 come every hour, is down to a couple a day. 132 00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:03.040 Little cafe. It's a special thing. When we managed to 133 00:06:03.040 --> 00:06:06.519 meet instead of baseline routine. She joined Elevate Fitness Lough 134 00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:10.360 last summer, a big move. Honestly, Julia's style always drew people, 135 00:06:10.399 --> 00:06:12.319 but this was her idea of legitimacy, the chance to 136 00:06:12.360 --> 00:06:15.560 really build something. She talked about it NonStop, raved about 137 00:06:15.560 --> 00:06:18.360 the space. The crew of the clients. There was someone 138 00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:20.879 named Mark, mentioned often branded as her partner in crime 139 00:06:20.920 --> 00:06:23.839 for new class concepts, A genius coach, she said, sly, 140 00:06:24.040 --> 00:06:26.680 laugh in her voice. I shook his hand once. He 141 00:06:26.759 --> 00:06:29.759 seemed friendly enough, big grinning dude. But I'd barely gotten 142 00:06:29.839 --> 00:06:31.959 Julia's name out of my mouth before he was sidling 143 00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:34.839 off with a stack of protein shakes. Not much else 144 00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:37.879 had changed. I still got up first, make coffee, did 145 00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:40.639 the crosswood at the kitchen table. She still messaged me 146 00:06:40.639 --> 00:06:42.720 bad puns still crashed on the catch in my lap 147 00:06:42.759 --> 00:06:46.199 some Thursday nights. Still the undercurrent of hurry had grown. 148 00:06:46.759 --> 00:06:48.800 I chalked it up to career things. Figured it had 149 00:06:48.839 --> 00:06:52.480 slow done eventually. Lately, though, everything feels temporary, like we're 150 00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:55.079 making plans in pencil, waiting to erase and start again. 151 00:06:56.319 --> 00:06:58.480 For the first few weeks after her new class started, 152 00:06:58.519 --> 00:07:00.399 I told myself the new pace was good for her. 153 00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:03.839 She was always electric after teaching, spilling stories over dinner, 154 00:07:03.959 --> 00:07:06.360 the hilarious client who worked out halfway through her cour circuit, 155 00:07:06.439 --> 00:07:08.560 the playlist that somehow made half the client cry. The 156 00:07:08.600 --> 00:07:11.560 time mout pulled a muscle showing off. I liked listening. 157 00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:14.360 Most of the time. It was the way her eyes glended, 158 00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:17.279 the high flush in her cheeks. But then little habits 159 00:07:17.279 --> 00:07:20.759 started shifting. Her phone always faced down, now lot with 160 00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:23.920 the pascoat she'd never bothered with before. I noticed because 161 00:07:23.920 --> 00:07:26.000 we were ordering fruit one night, and when I reached 162 00:07:26.000 --> 00:07:27.560 for her phone to check the menu, she no, she 163 00:07:27.600 --> 00:07:29.720 did away, lightly smiling. Let me do it. I've got 164 00:07:29.720 --> 00:07:33.000 a draft save before. Swapping phones to check calendars or 165 00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:35.560 order pizza with second nature so a routine. It was funny. 166 00:07:36.040 --> 00:07:38.160 This time. She tucked it into her lap as she searched, 167 00:07:38.399 --> 00:07:41.800 not offering it back. She started working late on Fridays, 168 00:07:41.800 --> 00:07:45.160 two our old pizza in movie night networking drinks, she said, 169 00:07:45.199 --> 00:07:48.120 looking sheepish but insistent. It's for my image, you know, 170 00:07:48.279 --> 00:07:50.399 I have to look like part of the club. I 171 00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:53.720 teased her, getting too cool for movie nights. She grinned, 172 00:07:53.720 --> 00:07:55.639 but there was a friction behind her eyes, like she 173 00:07:55.680 --> 00:07:57.839 didn't want to be caught between laughing and something else. 174 00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:00.680 Twice in one week, I offered to swing by Elevate 175 00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:02.680 after work, no big deal, just to hang out and 176 00:08:02.759 --> 00:08:05.560 drive her home. Both times she waved me off, said 177 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:08.600 the classes ran late, meeting stacked up after hours. I 178 00:08:08.680 --> 00:08:11.240 made a joke about her having a secret life. Her 179 00:08:11.319 --> 00:08:13.759 laugh was tight. You could barely make it through my 180 00:08:13.800 --> 00:08:16.279 warm ups last time. Believe me, you're not missing much. 181 00:08:16.399 --> 00:08:18.839 Go home and enjoy you Thursday. I'll be late as hell. 182 00:08:19.439 --> 00:08:22.879 I tried to swallow it. This was growth right, She 183 00:08:23.040 --> 00:08:25.399 was finally taking her talent seriously, and wasn't that what 184 00:08:25.439 --> 00:08:28.120 I always said I wanted for her? I should be happy. 185 00:08:28.720 --> 00:08:30.800 I repeated the thought enough times that I started to 186 00:08:30.800 --> 00:08:33.759 believe it that weakened. I set uppers of visions at 187 00:08:33.799 --> 00:08:36.320 a tiny Italian place for our anniversary lunch four years 188 00:08:36.360 --> 00:08:39.080 since our first date. Technically. She came out of the shower, 189 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:41.360 towels in a nest around her hair, and blinked at me. 190 00:08:41.960 --> 00:08:44.799 Wait till, my god, is that to day? Her face crumpled, 191 00:08:44.840 --> 00:08:47.639 hands flying to her mouth. She scrambled for her phone, 192 00:08:47.759 --> 00:08:50.320 half laughing and half mortified, and mumbled about back to 193 00:08:50.360 --> 00:08:53.600 back work, brainstorms, whip mark. Maybe I'm more tired than 194 00:08:53.639 --> 00:08:55.559 I thought, she said, trying to play it off, but 195 00:08:55.600 --> 00:08:59.200 even her smile was apologetic. It's okay, we're both busy, 196 00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:01.600 I told her. And when I'm end it, I'll try to, 197 00:09:02.279 --> 00:09:04.080 but the dull ache in my chest was a warning bell. 198 00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:06.879 I pretended I couldn't hear. That night, she slid into 199 00:09:06.879 --> 00:09:08.559 bed and turn away from me, fast enough that I 200 00:09:08.559 --> 00:09:11.279 didn't get to kiss her cheek. I lay staring at 201 00:09:11.279 --> 00:09:13.120 the ceiling for a long time, the sound of her 202 00:09:13.120 --> 00:09:15.440 breathing proof that at least she was still there for now. 203 00:09:16.039 --> 00:09:17.960 I wondered what support looks like when all you want 204 00:09:18.039 --> 00:09:21.240 is to be enough. I started to notice the little 205 00:09:21.279 --> 00:09:24.360 routines that fell away. Every morning for years, she'd blend 206 00:09:24.360 --> 00:09:27.039 a smoothies banana boat milk, half a scoop of protein 207 00:09:27.039 --> 00:09:29.799 powder because YE need the carbs. Ben. Now it's just 208 00:09:29.840 --> 00:09:32.000 me in the kitchen most mornings. Her she's already gone 209 00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:34.080 from beside the door, A note sometimes left on a 210 00:09:34.080 --> 00:09:38.360 sticky sorrowery super early loveyard. She's out earlier and back layer. 211 00:09:38.960 --> 00:09:41.600 I tell myself, she's grinding, but my hands tremble a little, 212 00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:45.559 making my own eggs physical affections lips too. I lean 213 00:09:45.600 --> 00:09:47.639 in for a kiss before work, and she's already bout 214 00:09:47.679 --> 00:09:49.759 over her phone or searching her bag for her headphones. 215 00:09:50.440 --> 00:09:52.480 I can't remember the last time she slid her hand 216 00:09:52.480 --> 00:09:55.200 into mine on the warped downtown this one Wednesday. I 217 00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:57.480 get home before her, and out of some anxious simples, 218 00:09:57.519 --> 00:10:00.440 I check our joint bank account. I tell my is 219 00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:02.039 to see if our wrench are cleared, one of those 220 00:10:02.039 --> 00:10:04.240 harmless domestic things you do when half your bills are 221 00:10:04.240 --> 00:10:06.799 a not a pilot. What I find instead of six 222 00:10:06.840 --> 00:10:10.080 tidy charges at wine barkhol Vinya dotted across three weeks. 223 00:10:10.840 --> 00:10:13.799 Vigna isn't near eleviate, not near home. I know it 224 00:10:13.840 --> 00:10:15.679 because a guy from work tried to drag me there 225 00:10:15.679 --> 00:10:17.879 for a networking his trendy to hip for my taste, 226 00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:20.600 and honestly a little out of our usual orbit. The 227 00:10:20.600 --> 00:10:25.159 bills aren't extravagant, thirty here, forty there, enough to notice, 228 00:10:25.200 --> 00:10:28.240 not enough to make of us. If she's having meetings there, 229 00:10:28.440 --> 00:10:31.360 why not tell me? That night, I asked Julia about 230 00:10:31.360 --> 00:10:33.600 her schedule for the week, thinking maybe I can surprise 231 00:10:33.639 --> 00:10:36.519 her for lunch. She says her are weeks of patchwork. 232 00:10:36.639 --> 00:10:40.080 Clients drop and randomly. Sometimes I teach, sometimes Mark does, 233 00:10:40.200 --> 00:10:42.440 Sometimes we team up if there are too many nubies. 234 00:10:43.039 --> 00:10:45.279 I ask which days are her teaching days? She fumbles, 235 00:10:45.399 --> 00:10:48.559 I think I have Thursday evening maybe Saturday afternoon, but 236 00:10:48.600 --> 00:10:51.679 I have to check. People always switch. She looks at 237 00:10:51.679 --> 00:10:53.919 her phone, scrolling texts too fast for me to see. 238 00:10:54.440 --> 00:10:57.080 The next afternoon, I mention the wine bar in passing. 239 00:10:57.120 --> 00:10:59.000 Have you ever been to Vinya? Saw a couple charges 240 00:10:59.039 --> 00:11:01.639 on our card. She doesn't look up from her laptop, 241 00:11:01.960 --> 00:11:05.080 just says, oh, write team drinks after work. One of 242 00:11:05.080 --> 00:11:07.679 the elevant investors likes to treat us. It's nothing special. 243 00:11:07.799 --> 00:11:10.679 I didn't think you care. Her tone is a little sharp, 244 00:11:10.759 --> 00:11:13.080 like she wants me to move on. The words come 245 00:11:13.120 --> 00:11:17.519 out before. I think you never mentioned it. She shrugs. Honestly, 246 00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:19.600 I barely remember half of them. They buy the first 247 00:11:19.679 --> 00:11:22.320 round I sneak out early, if anything, and the boring one. 248 00:11:22.679 --> 00:11:26.360 I want to believe her, I really dear. Later that week, 249 00:11:26.399 --> 00:11:28.679 at lunch near the Downtown court House, Melissa drops by 250 00:11:28.679 --> 00:11:31.519 our table. She's a friend of ours, closer to Julia, 251 00:11:31.559 --> 00:11:34.039 but we all used to meet up after work. She 252 00:11:34.120 --> 00:11:36.039 slides into the chair across from me as if she's 253 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:39.879 running from some invisible storm outside. Hey didn't expect to 254 00:11:39.919 --> 00:11:42.559 see you guys here. She glances at the empty side 255 00:11:42.600 --> 00:11:44.440 of the booth before I tell her Julia is working. 256 00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:47.360 I actually saw your wife the other night, she offers, 257 00:11:47.480 --> 00:11:50.720 digging into a briefcase for her phone. Vigniebarsch. She added, 258 00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:52.879 m someone from her work looked like they were having 259 00:11:52.879 --> 00:11:55.279 a great time. Big guy pon a tail, athletic kind 260 00:11:55.279 --> 00:11:57.840 of cute. Honestly, was that mock? I always forget who's 261 00:11:57.840 --> 00:12:00.360 who at that place? I laugh off the twining jim 262 00:12:00.399 --> 00:12:03.639 My gut, Probably just Mark. They're always working late now, 263 00:12:04.240 --> 00:12:07.879 Melissa grins look like after hours. To me, they seemed close. 264 00:12:07.960 --> 00:12:10.720 You weren't with them, No, I must have missed the invite, 265 00:12:10.799 --> 00:12:13.759 I say, two light too sharp. Meliss A lasts busy 266 00:12:13.799 --> 00:12:17.519 texting someone. Those trainers are always mixing business and drink. Right, 267 00:12:17.639 --> 00:12:19.919 Julia's killing it over there, seriously, hope you two are 268 00:12:19.919 --> 00:12:23.600 finding a balance with her crazy hours. I nod. She 269 00:12:23.759 --> 00:12:26.960 stands indistinct in a rush and jogs out, umbrella open. 270 00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:29.639 Before I can think of anything to ask. That night, 271 00:12:29.720 --> 00:12:31.759 I suggest in a promptu weekend trip a few days 272 00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:34.320 at a cheap be and b nothing fancy, just to 273 00:12:34.320 --> 00:12:36.120 get out of the city and walk along the cliffs 274 00:12:36.120 --> 00:12:38.799 like we used to. Julia lights up, leans over her 275 00:12:38.840 --> 00:12:42.240 dinner to grip my hand in hers. Yes, oh my god, yes, 276 00:12:42.360 --> 00:12:45.320 I would love to. But two days before she cancels, 277 00:12:45.360 --> 00:12:48.240 texting me from the gym instead of calling. They're piloting 278 00:12:48.240 --> 00:12:50.600 a new program Ben Mark and I are covering for Hannah. 279 00:12:50.639 --> 00:12:53.399 I can't scape it. I'm so sorry. I try to 280 00:12:53.440 --> 00:12:56.480 sound supportive, but my chest burns. I let it go. 281 00:12:56.879 --> 00:12:59.639 Like always, she brings up Mark Moore in the weeks 282 00:12:59.639 --> 00:13:02.480 that fall. He's basically the master mind behind all the 283 00:13:02.519 --> 00:13:05.240 new choreography, she says, swirling a fork above her salad, 284 00:13:05.879 --> 00:13:08.440 she list marks insatiable energy, how he talks her out 285 00:13:08.440 --> 00:13:12.200 of creative roots. It's admiration, but it sounds concentrated, a 286 00:13:12.200 --> 00:13:14.960 little too sharp. I caution myself not to be jealous. 287 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:18.240 Teammuck as key. That's all, except I can't stop wondering 288 00:13:18.279 --> 00:13:21.039 when his names start a cropping up in every other anecdote. 289 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:24.360 When did she start describing him as hilarious, brilliant? It 290 00:13:24.440 --> 00:13:27.519 God's end. I try to be rational. Maybe i'd talk 291 00:13:27.559 --> 00:13:29.720 about a new mentor if I had one, But her 292 00:13:29.759 --> 00:13:33.200 voice is different, quieter, almost reverent. The next Thursday is 293 00:13:33.320 --> 00:13:36.600 ordinary until it isn't. I wake around two a m. 294 00:13:36.639 --> 00:13:39.159 Thirsty and pat to the kitchen. As I passed the 295 00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:41.720 bath room, I catch low whispers Julius, crouched on the 296 00:13:41.799 --> 00:13:43.759 edge of the tap, blue foam light framing her face. 297 00:13:44.519 --> 00:13:46.679 She doesn't hear me. I do that thing, half east drop, 298 00:13:46.759 --> 00:13:49.279 half hate myself until I pick out phrases. Yeah, I 299 00:13:49.320 --> 00:13:52.279 wish you could see it down tomorrow. Maybe her words 300 00:13:52.279 --> 00:13:56.799 are muffled, I claim my throat deliberately. The conversation cuts off. 301 00:13:57.440 --> 00:14:00.799 She unlocks the door phone behind her back. Sorry did 302 00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:04.559 I wake you, she asks, vost Bridle just needed to 303 00:14:04.639 --> 00:14:07.200 check to morrow's schedule. Mark had to swap some classes. 304 00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:09.879 She hugs the phone to her chest, then slides past 305 00:14:09.879 --> 00:14:13.159 me without meeting my eyes. I wash my glass in silence, 306 00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:16.559 listening to the soft thuncovered bedroom door closing. My heart pounds, 307 00:14:16.679 --> 00:14:19.159 racing in a way that makes me. Naw says. If 308 00:14:19.159 --> 00:14:21.399 you don't trust your own partner, what do you trust? 309 00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:25.200 That isn't a refuge. We lie on opposite edges of 310 00:14:25.200 --> 00:14:28.360 the mattress or breaths. Even my own shallow sex is 311 00:14:28.360 --> 00:14:31.200 different lately every time we try, she's somewhere else, entirely 312 00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:34.440 as half shuddered movements text beck and polite. I want 313 00:14:34.440 --> 00:14:37.440 passion or even a fight, just to feel something. Twice, 314 00:14:37.440 --> 00:14:39.679 I plan to prize dinners, candles and all, but she 315 00:14:39.759 --> 00:14:43.679 brushes them aside. Can we reschedule? I'm wiped. Maybe next week. 316 00:14:44.360 --> 00:14:47.639 I check her Instagram the next morning. Shulia's feet is 317 00:14:47.639 --> 00:14:50.799 almost exclusively Jim Saffrey's and panoramic group shots of shiny, 318 00:14:50.879 --> 00:14:53.360 smiling crews, her body tense and proud in every pose. 319 00:14:54.039 --> 00:14:56.519 I'm not in any of them, not a single mention, 320 00:14:56.759 --> 00:14:59.440 not even in the tags. I scoll back a year 321 00:14:59.440 --> 00:15:02.399 to see if I've before. I realized at the bottom 322 00:15:02.440 --> 00:15:04.840 of our laundry one night, press between my t shirts 323 00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:08.039 is a silk scarf. It's channel or a very convincing 324 00:15:08.080 --> 00:15:10.440 fake brush for all nothing Julia has worn in the 325 00:15:10.440 --> 00:15:13.000 seven years I've known her. She's in a kitchen when 326 00:15:13.000 --> 00:15:15.600 I show her. I think he grab this by mistake. 327 00:15:15.720 --> 00:15:18.879 I say, polite to the point of ridiculousness. She blinks, 328 00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:22.679 fumbles for an answer, then shrugs, well, that must be hannahs. 329 00:15:22.759 --> 00:15:24.919 She always borrows my gym bag. I grab her stuff 330 00:15:24.919 --> 00:15:28.159 by accident. Last week. I think she smiles too eager, 331 00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:30.600 ducks back to her laptop before I can ask anything else. 332 00:15:31.360 --> 00:15:34.000 Maybe it's nothing, but my mind won't let it go. 333 00:15:35.399 --> 00:15:37.879 After two weeks of leving on eggshells, waking up every 334 00:15:37.879 --> 00:15:40.159 morning more tired than the last, I decide to try 335 00:15:40.200 --> 00:15:43.559 something different. It feels desperate, may be childish, but I 336 00:15:43.600 --> 00:15:46.799 need peace. I need a reason to stop chasing shadows. 337 00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:49.399 I show up at Elevate for her six p m class, 338 00:15:49.440 --> 00:15:51.919 sneakers on, determined to surprise her like we used to 339 00:15:51.919 --> 00:15:53.960 do in the early days before busy men and sherbel 340 00:15:54.519 --> 00:15:57.759 The gym smells sharp, disinfectant lemon robomats, the faint mask 341 00:15:57.799 --> 00:16:01.000 of effort. Music thumps from behind a mirror wall. I 342 00:16:01.080 --> 00:16:03.679 scan the faces, finally catch Julia leading a group through 343 00:16:03.720 --> 00:16:07.440 coss circuits, eyes burning determinedly. She falters just for a 344 00:16:07.480 --> 00:16:11.200 second see me, but quickly recovers that falter is a 345 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:14.360 small betrayal, then quickly smoothed over with a y professional smile. 346 00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:16.759 When the class ends, I make my way to her, 347 00:16:16.840 --> 00:16:19.559 my heart thudding like a high schooler Luke who finally 348 00:16:19.559 --> 00:16:24.039 decided to sweat. She teases, breathless. Her team hovers nearby, watching. 349 00:16:24.080 --> 00:16:27.120 Half way she introduces me to Mark, whose every bit 350 00:16:27.159 --> 00:16:29.440 as charming as I expected. A tall and easy spoken 351 00:16:29.519 --> 00:16:33.039 tight handshake, wide smile. The Julia always talks about you, 352 00:16:33.159 --> 00:16:36.120 he grins. May be too bodly, you too, must be 353 00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:38.120 pretty solid. She's a beast in the gym. I don't 354 00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:41.080 know how you keep up. Chilia's cheeks flush, and for 355 00:16:41.120 --> 00:16:44.080 a second, the cloud between us lifts. She steers me 356 00:16:44.120 --> 00:16:48.480 into postcoss chatter, tells stories, crackstrokes. Maybe things will be fine. 357 00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:52.200 We walk home together. She is animated old Julia for 358 00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:54.480 a stretch, even wrapping her arm around me as we 359 00:16:54.519 --> 00:16:57.200 cross Maine for the first time in months. I don't 360 00:16:57.200 --> 00:16:59.919 feel like I'm losing her. That night, I cook again, 361 00:17:00.120 --> 00:17:02.159 humming my old playlist. As she rummages in her bag 362 00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:05.359 at the kitchen counter, her phone buzzes, screen lighting up 363 00:17:05.400 --> 00:17:07.359 with the text see you at Viinya. The contact has 364 00:17:07.400 --> 00:17:10.119 saved with just a heart emoji. I don't see the number. 365 00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:12.640 She grabs the phone almost before I process what I read. 366 00:17:13.319 --> 00:17:16.480 She glances at me, smiles, hurried and guilty, just Mark, 367 00:17:16.519 --> 00:17:19.119 reminding me we've got an early meeting tomorrow. Work never 368 00:17:19.240 --> 00:17:22.720 ends right. There's an edge to her voice. She slips 369 00:17:22.720 --> 00:17:26.559 into the bedroom, door closing quietly behind her. I've finished 370 00:17:26.559 --> 00:17:30.640 a Dish's hand shaking. I don't confront her, not yet. 371 00:17:31.559 --> 00:17:34.680 I spend that night half awake, replaying old memories and 372 00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:38.079 new doubts. Julia's laughed from the class, the hurried smile 373 00:17:38.119 --> 00:17:40.880 as she clutched her phone, the absurd intimacy of a 374 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:43.480 text from a heart emoji. Our old lunch is th 375 00:17:43.599 --> 00:17:47.279 fizzled out. The scarf Needer of us could explain every 376 00:17:47.319 --> 00:17:50.640 small moment Bill's stacking like bricks until breathing hurts. The 377 00:17:50.680 --> 00:17:53.960 next morning, Julia is up before me, already gone by sex. 378 00:17:54.599 --> 00:17:57.319 The scarf is gone from the laundry pile. I sit 379 00:17:57.359 --> 00:18:00.200 at the table, scrolling through old charges vinya four times 380 00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:03.440 last week, two left rides from Elevate to Attique Hotel 381 00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:05.680 on sixteenth. Know whe near our apartment or her work. 382 00:18:06.319 --> 00:18:09.119 I want to erase it all, but stories don't erase themselves. 383 00:18:09.920 --> 00:18:12.799 That afternoon, I message Melissa Vos tight as I ask 384 00:18:12.839 --> 00:18:16.240 about when she saw Julia Vinny. Mliss's response is careful, 385 00:18:16.319 --> 00:18:19.240 but there's a hesitation. I saw her with Mark. I 386 00:18:19.279 --> 00:18:21.680 think they were close, hands touching, laughing, like they were 387 00:18:21.720 --> 00:18:24.400 in their own world. Sorry, hope, I'm not overstepping. Maybe 388 00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:26.920 it was nothing. I thank her say, I was just 389 00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:30.039 being paranoid, But the guilt is thick, Mine for snooping, 390 00:18:30.119 --> 00:18:32.759 hers for seeing what maybe neither of us wanted. For 391 00:18:32.839 --> 00:18:35.519 two days, they try to let us slide. I cleaned 392 00:18:35.559 --> 00:18:38.720 the house obsessively. I organize our old photos in box 393 00:18:38.759 --> 00:18:41.400 set on my computer, looking for signs of erosion. Times 394 00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:44.440 when her gaze drifted somewhere I couldn't see. Finally, I 395 00:18:44.519 --> 00:18:48.279 decide I need proof, or closure or something dangerous. Julia 396 00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:51.039 mentions she's covering an evening class, won't be home until late. 397 00:18:51.200 --> 00:18:54.319 More piloting with Mark. I pack up my laptop, text 398 00:18:54.359 --> 00:18:56.480 her I'll be working late. Two pitch to finish, might 399 00:18:56.519 --> 00:18:59.519 crash at the office. She doesn't respond, and I take 400 00:18:59.559 --> 00:19:02.119 it as a s all an agreement. At five thirty, 401 00:19:02.160 --> 00:19:03.880