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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, I'm Stephanie Wilder Taylor and this is Drunkish.

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I wrote a book called Drunkish. I'm sure you know

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by now where I told everyone my sobriety story because

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I love to overshare. But now I have a podcast

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so I can talk to other people and let them overshare.

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Today's guest is no exception. It was a great, great episode.

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Her name is Rosebud Baker. She's a talented touring comedian

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with multiple comedy specials out. The latest is called mother

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Load Netflix came out in February. Plus she just finished

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a multi season stint as a writer for SNL and

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she has a book coming out as well.

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Speaker 2: And here she is.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the show. Rosebud, thank you so much. I'm

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really excited to talk to you.

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Speaker 3: To you, Yeah, me too, me too.

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Speaker 2: I feel like I know.

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Speaker 3: You already, really, I know. I'm like, I feel like

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I know so much about you already because I read

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your book and I loved it and it was like

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Bonnie Bonnie and McFarlane sent it to me. I was like,

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would you be willing to read this and write a blurb?

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And I was like sure, sure, And normally if I

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do that I'll like read like I'll read like the

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first chapter, in the last chapter, and then like write

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a blurb about that I read your entire book in

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a week. And I am not a book reader. I

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don't I don't like reading books.

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Speaker 2: Oh that's such a compliment.

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Speaker 1: Yeah it was great, and then you feel like you

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know way too much about me. It's the It's the

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thing about being a podcaster being a writer, Uh, having

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the brand of being unfiltered. You just you can't. If

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you're going to write about getting sober, you just got

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to write. You got to write it all. Yeah, you

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really do, and then people can judge it or either

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people relate and they go, hello, friend, you know you're

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reading my mind, or they go, wow, that person's really sick.

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Speaker 3: I know. It's like you can't really walk it back

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after it's in an after It's like in writing in

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a book, you can't be like, you know, it wasn't

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actually that bad.

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Speaker 1: Well, the funny thing is that the point of writing

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the book at first was going to be that I

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considered myself and I'm not at the time that I

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wrote it, but throughout my years of being sober, I

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considered myself, you know, high bottom, like very high functioning.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And I was originally breaking some news here. I was

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originally calling trying to call the book high Bottom Girls,

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and the publisher didn't like the title because they're like,

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we don't know what that means and we don't think

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people get it. And I was like, well, I'll explain

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it in the subtitle and in the book you'll get it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: But it's funny because, as I wrote, like the really personal,

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not pretty stories, like you know, trying to smoke heroin,

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at one point, you know, people's attitude in the reviews

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was like, not that like high bottom really, you know,

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I thought.

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Speaker 3: I know, that's so funny.

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Speaker 4: People are like, okay, actually, and it's like that that

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experience of like when you first get sober, I mean,

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especially if you get sober in the rooms, which I did,

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you know.

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Speaker 3: I was like, I don't think. I mean, my story

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is not bad at all. I was like, this is fine.

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And then the more I more feedback I got on it,

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I was like, oh, okay, right, yeah, I guess I

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guess denials a real thing, right right, right?

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Speaker 2: Well, I uh, I tell this story.

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Speaker 1: I didn't say this in the book, but I used

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to do at the beginning of my experience in the rooms,

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I would talk a lot about like I don't know

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if I belong here, Like I don't know if I'm

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like a true like a high bottom, the whole thing.

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I would I would love to share about that, about

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my feelings about being like possibly not that bad. And

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one time this woman came over to me and she

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was like, yeah, I hear you share a lot about,

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you know, being high functioning. And she said, I don't know,

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driving drunk with your kids in the car, have that fancy.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, You're like, oh, there really is nothing quite as

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humbling as like somebody that you in the back of

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your mind.

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Speaker 3: Like looked down upon coming up and giving you a

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reality check. You're like, oh, all right, exactly. Hey. I

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actually said, you know, because we were talking about this before,

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but I just finished writing my own book, and I

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I say, there's one point in my book where I say, like,

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there's literally nothing worse than someone you dislike being right

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about you.

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Speaker 2: That is so true. What is your So? What is

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your book?

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Speaker 3: It's felt fully baked. It's like it's a memoir. It

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started off as a series of essays that kind of

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I was writing the whole thing while I was going

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through like miscarriage and IVF, and then I got pregnant,

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you know, two months after completing IVF, and was like, oh,

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I guess I'm going to do this now. And it

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wasn't an ideal time to be pregnant. I was working

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at SNL, I was touring. I felt like this was

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like an important time in my career, but I also

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felt like it's an important time in my biological like

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fertility windows. So I was like, I'm just going to

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do it. And so I ended up, like during my pregnancy,

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getting all these like flashbacks throughout my life, and each

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time one of those happened, I would write an essay

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about it, And so it kind of becomes this like, oh, sorry,

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my dog. It becomes this thing where it starts with

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a moment in my pregnancy or a moment before or

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after my pregnancy, where I go into a flashback of

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my past life, you know, and what that what it

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was like growing up and shit like that. It was

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basically just became a memoir by accident. I love that.

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of memoirs become memoir by accident.

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I was writing more essays, but then as I was

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putting them in a linear way. I was like, oh,

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I guess this is.

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Speaker 3: More of a memoir. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Is there anything about getting sober in the book?

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Speaker 3: Absolutely? Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Well tell me your story, tell me your history, your past.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. So, I I grew up in d C. Outside

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of d C, I was like, my grandfather was Secretary

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of State under George Bush Senior, so uh, you know,

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architects of Reaganomics, just like Unknowable emotional Fort Knox, and

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so were all of my you know, my dad and

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all of his brothers. And I talk a lot about

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my dad's side of the family because it was so

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overpowering the mindset of that side of the family. And

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I think it had such a huge impact on my

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psychology because I was, you know, like many alcoholics. I

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was born and immediately was like, yeah, I don't I

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don't feel like I fit in here and too. And

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you know, I think there no matter what environment you

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grow up in, if you if you have that feeling,

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it will be uh, it'll be pronounced. But it felt

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especially pronounced for me because of this very strict behaviorally. Uh.

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I don't know, moderated environment that I was in where

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it's like you know, you put on a dress to

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go see your grandparents, you put on a dress to

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go out to dinner. You but it's like this, everything

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was very like image conscious and uh. And I was

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kind of out of control. And by out of control,

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I mean when I look back, I'm like, that's just

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a child, but you know, in that world, it was

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considered out of control. So I just kind of grew

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up with that sense of like I am not right here.

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I've I've somehow ended up in the wrong family or

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ended up in the wrong home, or something went wrong,

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some paperwork got mixed up, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah,

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And so I tried really hard to kind of like

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fit in. I sort of mourned that I wasn't like normal.

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I can remember like falling falling asleep at night, like

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crying and asking my mom what was wrong with me

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at like a really young age, and being like, something

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is wrong with me, something I'm too sensitive or I'm

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too something's going on. And I was like asking her

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for answers I really wanted. Like I was like, whatever

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it is, I can fix it, you know. And my

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mom I was like heartbroken, like just confronted with her

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kid being like, hey, I can fix myself if you

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guys just tell me what you know. So I was

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put in like therapy and all stuff at like a

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really young age, but all of it no matter what,

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Like it felt like the more attention that was paid

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to this problem, like the more out of place I felt,

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and it just kind of snowballed. In high school, I

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was they were like, you have to pick an after

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school activity that'll help get you into college. My grades

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had always been like shit, and so I was like,

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all right, well I don't there's nothing artistic here, so

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I don't know what to do. And they were like, well,

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cheerleading's like dance, and I was like okay. So I

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did cheerleading and I was kicked off the cheerleading squad

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and I was I was like benched and then just

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kicked off. I think it was something it was like

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a combination of things. I think it was like benched

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a few times for smoking weed and then like uh

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and then like eventually was just kicked off because there

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was this one girl who was like, I think, talking

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shit about me or something, and I confronted her and

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was like you're ugly, and like just was like basically

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basically just was like, you're an ugly bitch and I

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don't you know what I mean. Like, and so I

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was kicked off the squad and and then just kind

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of like leaned into this. You know. It was really

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kind of funny looking back that I thought I was

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like this huge rebel for being kicked off the cheerling squad,

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you know, like when really it's like, I don't know,

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it's like being fucking kicked off of like a church

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team or something. You don't have to be like a

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bad Perton, you know what I mean. But I was like, yeah,

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like kicked off the cheerleading squad, you know, like leather

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jacket and fucking cigarette and like really feeling myself and

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like I was like, I'm gonna lean into this fucking

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ex cheerleader rebel and uh was like just smoking a

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lot of weed and I don't know, man, I I

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got into college like kind of by the skin of

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my teeth. I got into Emerson. I auditioned for their

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like musical theater program, which was at the time. I

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was like, oh, I could do really well with this.

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I had, you know, I was a dancer throughout high

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school and through elementary school, and I loved singing, and

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I loved theater, and so I I got in as

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a musical theater major. And then right before I left

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for college, my parents divorced. And then in the same year,

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my sister passed away. My younger sister, she was seven

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years old. She drowned in a hot tub right before.

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It was at a graduation party for my graduation, but

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at a friend's house. So like we were all graduating, and

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we went to this family's this family friend's home. And

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when I say that she drowned, it was like her

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the drain, her hair got caught in the drain and

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no one could pull her up, and just like horrible, horrible,

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horrible thing to go through. And I, you know, I

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hadn't been drinking up until that point. I was like,

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I'm not going to drink because my mom was sober.

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And I was like, I have this feeling like maybe

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I might have that, you know, I'm and I I

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would hide. I would hide like food under my bed

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and be out playing with friends, and all I could

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think about was like going back to eat the food

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by myself. So I was like, there's things that I had.

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I had little clues about my own mentality, and I

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was smart enough to know, like whenever my mom would

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talk about AA or talk about being sober, I was like,

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it seems like I you know, when something just brings

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like a tuning fork in your stomach.

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Speaker 2: Had she always been sober like your whole childhood?

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Speaker 3: No, so you had her drink. Yeah, I had seen

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her drink. I didn't know she was drinking until we

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got like in an accident, had drunk driving accident. And

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then my mom got sober right after that, and we like, uh,

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she started going to AA and she lost her license

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for a year, and we had like, uh, a nanny

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that would like drive us, you know, to and from things.

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00:15:07,679 --> 00:15:09,639
We hit five kids, so it was like a lot

239
00:15:09,679 --> 00:15:16,159
of a lot of stuff to organize, and I had

240
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,519
I paid attention to that, but I was also kind

241
00:15:18,519 --> 00:15:20,840
of at an age where I was like, I'm really

242
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,679
just trying to focus on my friends and what I

243
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:26,080
got going on. You know, my mom she obviously went

244
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:29,480
through something, She's figured it out. She you know, we

245
00:15:29,519 --> 00:15:34,879
should be fine from here, And I was like, I'll

246
00:15:34,879 --> 00:15:37,159
take it from here. I got it, Like my life is.

247
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,919
I got it. And so you were refraining from drinking,

248
00:15:41,519 --> 00:15:43,480
but I was refraining from drinking and I was just

249
00:15:43,519 --> 00:15:48,000
smoking plot and part of that was literally like I

250
00:15:48,039 --> 00:15:50,600
can smoke pop, but I can't drink, so I'll just

251
00:15:50,639 --> 00:15:53,320
smoke pot. So I was managing my drinking before I

252
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:58,159
even started, Like I knew enough about alcoholism for it

253
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:04,399
to kind of ruin my experience of drinking from the jump.

254
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:10,919
But I, you know, after my after my parents got separated,

255
00:16:11,879 --> 00:16:13,519
I had my first drink because I was like, well,

256
00:16:13,559 --> 00:16:15,799
this is like this is like in a movie, you

257
00:16:15,799 --> 00:16:17,720
know what I mean. It was like, oh, my parents

258
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:21,120
got divorced. I'm gonna go. You know, first I get

259
00:16:21,159 --> 00:16:24,000
kicked off the cheerleading squad, which makes me a fucking rebel,

260
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,279
and now I got divorced parents, which is like, you know,

261
00:16:27,399 --> 00:16:31,000
suburban street cred. So I was like, I can go.

262
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,120
I can go, like drink at my friend's house and

263
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:39,399
I was got blackout drunk, woke up in the backyard

264
00:16:39,519 --> 00:16:43,799
of her house next to my own throw up, woke

265
00:16:43,879 --> 00:16:47,320
up to the dog eating it the next morning next

266
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:52,799
to me, and was like, I don't know what the

267
00:16:52,799 --> 00:16:55,799
fuck just happened, but I gotta do that again. That

268
00:16:56,039 --> 00:17:01,120
was awesome, Like I was like, I I feel like

269
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:06,440
I found what my purpose is. Like, this is the

270
00:17:06,519 --> 00:17:09,359
thing that I'm going to be good at, and this

271
00:17:09,519 --> 00:17:13,039
is the thing that makes me feel good about myself.

272
00:17:13,559 --> 00:17:15,799
This is the thing that like is giving me what

273
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,880
I've like searched for my whole life, which is a

274
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,640
sense of like confidence and a sense of knowing who

275
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:26,759
I am and knowing where I belong. You know, alcohol

276
00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:31,920
and bars and people who like to drink and people

277
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:35,119
who like to get fucked up were my kind of people.

278
00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:37,799
And that's what I wanted. I wanted like a community

279
00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:41,279
of people that I felt understood by and a world

280
00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:46,680
that I like could exist incomfortably. So it gave me

281
00:17:46,759 --> 00:17:50,799
all of those things. So, you know, and then when

282
00:17:50,799 --> 00:17:53,240
my sister passed away and I was like off in

283
00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:56,039
college and I had all this like trauma that I

284
00:17:56,119 --> 00:18:00,920
was not I didn't want to address because I was

285
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,640
going to college and this was supposed to be an

286
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,279
exciting time in my life and it's you know, everybody says,

287
00:18:05,279 --> 00:18:07,799
like college is the best years of your life. I

288
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:15,079
went to college in like a thick fog of grief

289
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:25,119
and ah and shock and just physical mental trauma that

290
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:29,359
I had been through. Uh, Because I do think that

291
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,240
when you go through like a sudden death, especially the

292
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:37,480
death of a child or the death of sibling, you know,

293
00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:42,359
there's like a physical toll to it. And so I

294
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,720
went to college. I was like, I'm you know, I'm

295
00:18:44,759 --> 00:18:48,119
a I'm an acting major. I'll use all of this.

296
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,519
And I got there and I was like, oh, I'm in.

297
00:18:52,839 --> 00:18:55,200
I'm in the musical theater program. And I was like,

298
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,960
I don't I got a dead sibling. I'm like, I

299
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,039
don't really feel like doing jazz hand right now, you know.

300
00:19:02,519 --> 00:19:05,480
So I shifted my major to just acting, and I

301
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:07,640
felt like this is more my vibe. You know. It's

302
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:13,160
kind of like the actors were more like they were

303
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:18,839
like masturbatory goths, Like it was like emotionally gothic, and

304
00:19:19,039 --> 00:19:22,599
I felt like this is this is more, this is right,

305
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,319
and so you know, I pretty much I held it

306
00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:32,279
together for like three years where I was like, I

307
00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:34,319
was like, I think I'm good, you know, I know,

308
00:19:35,559 --> 00:19:38,079
I did really well in a school that was based

309
00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:40,799
on the in the arts, and I felt like I

310
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:45,200
belonged there. Obviously, everybody drank and everybody loved to drink,

311
00:19:45,319 --> 00:19:49,599
so that no problem there. And then year four I

312
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:53,640
really just kind of spun out. Like it was like

313
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:57,799
once we were leaving, I really spun out. I stopped

314
00:19:57,839 --> 00:20:01,039
eating and then I was drinking to feel normal, but

315
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:04,119
also like wasn't eating, so it was really like eating

316
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:08,319
disorder bus alcoholism. And it became it was like violent

317
00:20:08,319 --> 00:20:11,920
outbursts that would happen. I would like, you know, run

318
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,440
into a friend on the street. I'd be like, what

319
00:20:13,519 --> 00:20:15,359
time is it, and maybe like I don't have a watch,

320
00:20:15,359 --> 00:20:17,960
and I just like deck them, just like hit them

321
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:22,400
in the face. It was like horrible like street assaults,

322
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:27,160
like my friends and nobody wanted to talk to me.

323
00:20:27,799 --> 00:20:32,400
Everybody just pulled away. I was like alone on campus

324
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:35,480
and rightfully, you know, like I wouldn't have I wouldn't

325
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,319
have wanted to be anywhere near me. I was like

326
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:44,240
I was almost like a you know those performance artists

327
00:20:44,279 --> 00:20:46,079
that you kind of like you're like hm hm, and

328
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:49,519
you're like slowly back away because it's just uncomfortable to

329
00:20:49,599 --> 00:20:54,359
look at. I felt like one of those. And uh, I.

330
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:58,400
Speaker 1: Think you were just like having depression and anger issues.

331
00:20:59,279 --> 00:21:03,319
I think there was like a lot of repressed like trauma,

332
00:21:03,559 --> 00:21:09,759
like real PTSD shit because it was again around graduation,

333
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:14,079
right it was like my first high school graduation. Literally

334
00:21:14,079 --> 00:21:17,920
four years later, I was graduating college and I just

335
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,880
sort of I mean, I never really put it together

336
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:24,359
at the time, but when I think back, I go, well,

337
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:24,759
that's a.

338
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:31,680
Speaker 3: Very easy link psychologically, and I look at it and go,

339
00:21:31,839 --> 00:21:34,480
of course my drinking like spiraled out of control then,

340
00:21:35,319 --> 00:21:37,759
and of course it was paired with like the trying

341
00:21:37,799 --> 00:21:41,240
to control the food stuff. So it was like this

342
00:21:41,319 --> 00:21:46,000
feeling of just being out of control and then having

343
00:21:46,079 --> 00:21:49,799
to like begin my life when I really didn't know.

344
00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,640
I hadn't really thought about what my life would be.

345
00:21:53,079 --> 00:21:56,319
I hadn't really thought about what it would look like.

346
00:21:58,799 --> 00:22:04,319
And it was really terrifying, you know, to face life

347
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:08,799
as an adult because I felt very much stuck in

348
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:13,160
this place of like however old I was when my

349
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:18,000
sister passed away, and so I came to New York

350
00:22:18,839 --> 00:22:25,160
and that's there was like there's like a long period

351
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,400
of time after graduating where I was like in Europe

352
00:22:28,039 --> 00:22:31,119
and having my sister like Western Union money to me

353
00:22:31,799 --> 00:22:35,720
and ran out of money, and my family was like, Okay,

354
00:22:35,759 --> 00:22:38,960
you need to come home, like you we will send

355
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,200
you to rehab, and I was like, I don't want

356
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,200
to go to I was like, okay, fine, you know

357
00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:45,680
the alcoholic where I was like okay, great, yeah, no,

358
00:22:45,839 --> 00:22:47,799
that's a good deal. So I'll go to rehab if

359
00:22:47,839 --> 00:22:49,680
you send me money, and then I'll book the ticket

360
00:22:49,759 --> 00:22:52,039
and we'll i'll and I'll book the ticket to rehab,

361
00:22:52,799 --> 00:22:55,519
and they were like okay. So I booked a ticket

362
00:22:55,599 --> 00:22:59,839
that stopped in New York, where conveniently a guy I

363
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:05,640
was dating lived and brought a carry on plane stops

364
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,759
in New York. I get out of JFK, I take

365
00:23:07,799 --> 00:23:10,519
a cab to his place, call up my parents and go, hey,

366
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,599
I'm not coming home. I'm not going to rehab, but

367
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:19,039
I will go to therapy. And here is my boyfriend

368
00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:22,640
to vouch for me. So immediately made my boyfriend my

369
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:28,440
caregiver and it just made his life absolute hell. For

370
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:34,960
the next like two years, the violence kept getting worse

371
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:39,000
every time I would drink. It wasn't every time, but

372
00:23:39,079 --> 00:23:41,519
it was like I noticed that when it did happen,

373
00:23:41,559 --> 00:23:43,920
it got worse and worse, and it started to become

374
00:23:44,039 --> 00:23:52,039
more directed at myself, like punching walls, hitting myself, you know,

375
00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:55,880
trying to run off the edge of a roof, and

376
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,440
then like coming out of a blackout, like running full

377
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:02,960
speed at the edge of a roof, just things where

378
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,359
I was like, oh, I'm starting to get a little scared.

379
00:24:05,519 --> 00:24:07,880
Where Like when I would wake up and I was sober,

380
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,240
if I went near a window, there was this feeling

381
00:24:11,279 --> 00:24:13,079
in me of like I can't go near a window

382
00:24:13,079 --> 00:24:16,240
because I'll jump. You know, it was this I didn't

383
00:24:16,279 --> 00:24:19,240
trust myself anymore. I didn't trust my own instincts. Even

384
00:24:19,279 --> 00:24:21,960
when I was sober. I felt like there was someone

385
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:25,319
there was someone else inside of me trying to ruin

386
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:29,279
my life. And that's really what it felt like. It

387
00:24:29,319 --> 00:24:31,279
really felt like the Exorcist or something.

388
00:24:32,079 --> 00:24:35,680
Speaker 2: And so are you going to therapy like you promised?

389
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:37,960
Speaker 3: I was going to therapy, but I was lying to

390
00:24:38,079 --> 00:24:40,640
my therapist, so it didn't matter. You know. It was

391
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:43,079
like I was going to therapy for like eating disorder. Shit.

392
00:24:44,519 --> 00:24:49,119
Nobody even knew that I was like in the therapy,

393
00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:51,480
you know that I was like, I was really struggling

394
00:24:51,519 --> 00:24:57,000
with alcohol and and I wasn't good. I wasn't about

395
00:24:57,039 --> 00:25:00,400
to tell them because in my mind it was like

396
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,960
the alcohol isn't really the problem, you know. I was like,

397
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,799
the alcohol is not the problem. It's all this food stuff.

398
00:25:07,519 --> 00:25:10,640
You know, it's like my sister, it's my parents. It

399
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,160
was like all this, you know, it's all this stuff

400
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:17,640
I've been through, and I don't know what happened, Like

401
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:20,920
I don't know. It's like I went from understanding alcoholism

402
00:25:21,039 --> 00:25:26,519
and knowing that I was one of them to being

403
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,720
like to having all of this evidence that I was

404
00:25:29,759 --> 00:25:31,759
one of them and being like, nah, it's not it,

405
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:32,200
you know.

406
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:35,200
Speaker 1: What I mean, Like it's so relatable though, don't they say,

407
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:38,160
like alcoholism is the only disease that tells you you

408
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:39,079
don't have a disease.

409
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:44,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, And it was. And I knew going into it

410
00:25:44,079 --> 00:25:46,960
that I had one. And I knew like from that

411
00:25:47,039 --> 00:25:49,519
first night that I drank. I was like, Okay, I'm

412
00:25:49,519 --> 00:25:52,000
gonna wait like two weeks before I drink again. And

413
00:25:52,039 --> 00:25:54,559
I got drunk the next weekend. So I was breaking

414
00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:57,920
I was making promises and breaking them to myself from

415
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,279
the moment I drank, like it happened. And immediately I

416
00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:04,319
thought because I waited to drink, that I would have

417
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:09,480
like outsmarted it or like delayed it, you know, delayed

418
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:12,200
the onset or something. But it was literally from that

419
00:26:12,319 --> 00:26:18,240
first time for me that I just started lowering my

420
00:26:18,319 --> 00:26:28,319
standards to accommodate my drinking. And it wasn't until you know,

421
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:32,039
I broke up with this guy because every time we

422
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:37,279
I would drink, we would get these huge arguments and

423
00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:44,160
really really bad and cops would be called, and like,

424
00:26:45,599 --> 00:26:47,319
you know, we would like lie and say that we

425
00:26:47,319 --> 00:26:50,839
were like rehearsing for a play. It was like we

426
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,519
had a whole thing. We had like scripts out and

427
00:26:53,559 --> 00:26:55,359
we could like hold up the scripts and be like

428
00:26:55,519 --> 00:26:58,720
we're rehearsing, you know, and like it's like two in

429
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:03,400
the morning. But we got in a fight one one

430
00:27:03,519 --> 00:27:06,160
night and I or one day and I walked out.

431
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,960
It was like right when he addressed my drinking for

432
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,240
the first time, which is like the most scary thing

433
00:27:11,319 --> 00:27:15,119
for a codependent person to do is to be like, hey,

434
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,480
I think you have a drinking problem. Because the second

435
00:27:18,519 --> 00:27:21,519
he mentioned it, I went for a walk. I called

436
00:27:21,559 --> 00:27:26,839
my dad, right, being like a fucking privileged suburban asshole

437
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:29,440
called my dad on this walk and was like, hey,

438
00:27:29,559 --> 00:27:32,160
you know, I'm really getting my shit together, trying to

439
00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:36,039
like start over. I broke up with my boyfriend. I

440
00:27:36,079 --> 00:27:39,359
need my own apartment, and I got a new job,

441
00:27:40,319 --> 00:27:41,839
you know, it was just sort of like saying whatever

442
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,680
it was that my dad would need to hear, and

443
00:27:45,319 --> 00:27:46,839
he was like, would you help me out with a

444
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:50,039
security deposit? I was like, all right, fine, you know,

445
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,519
and I literally found this apartment on the walk that

446
00:27:52,559 --> 00:27:56,400
I went on after this discussion about my drinking with

447
00:27:56,440 --> 00:28:02,079
my ex, so come back. I look at him and

448
00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:05,640
I go, I'm moving out. He's like what. I was like,

449
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:09,279
I'm moving out. Sorry, it's not going to work out, like,

450
00:28:10,519 --> 00:28:13,240
you know, you don't understand me. I don't understand you.

451
00:28:14,599 --> 00:28:16,440
I just need to start over and be on my own,

452
00:28:16,759 --> 00:28:20,640
you know. And it was like he you know, he

453
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:23,559
just looked at me like incredulously because I had put

454
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:28,000
him through such hell. And then I just walked away

455
00:28:30,799 --> 00:28:33,079
and it was you know, I look back at that,

456
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:39,359
I go, that's that was like so heartless and I

457
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,319
just didn't even think about it. I was like, it

458
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:46,519
never even occurred to me that I was hurting him.

459
00:28:47,039 --> 00:28:49,359
To me, I didn't even understand why people were so

460
00:28:49,839 --> 00:28:51,759
bent out of shape about me. I was like, I'm

461
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:55,640
hurting myself. I'm not hurting anybody else, you know, But

462
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:58,079
it never occurred to me that it would hurt them

463
00:28:58,119 --> 00:29:01,400
to watch someone they love hurt themsel else because I

464
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:04,640
was so self centered that it never would have occurred

465
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:10,680
to me to care about somebody else or their well being.

466
00:29:10,759 --> 00:29:17,160
I mean, that's how self centered I was, So I uh,

467
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:20,359
you know, I stayed in my own apartment for like

468
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:24,640
a year, and it was really helpful because I isolated

469
00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:26,720
myself to the point where I couldn't point fingers at

470
00:29:26,759 --> 00:29:29,359
anyone else. I was so isolated. I couldn't be like

471
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,319
it's him or it's her, or it's this job, or

472
00:29:32,319 --> 00:29:35,119
like it was just me and my apartment and like

473
00:29:35,559 --> 00:29:43,000
piles of mail and dirty fucking clothes and like just

474
00:29:43,079 --> 00:29:46,799
to living in this way where I was like, I'm

475
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:50,559
furious all the time and there's no one around me

476
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:54,160
to be doing this, like to be causing this anger.

477
00:29:55,119 --> 00:30:00,839
So what is this? It has to be mine? You know.

478
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:06,160
I got involved. I put myself up for like acting lessons.

479
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:10,640
I did this work study program at William Esper, and

480
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:15,880
I remember going into interview for the Bill Esper Studio

481
00:30:16,079 --> 00:30:19,000
and him being like, you know, asking me about myself,

482
00:30:19,079 --> 00:30:20,960
and I was like, you know, I sort of I

483
00:30:21,039 --> 00:30:23,319
was saying, like I don't really need this, you know,

484
00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:25,920
I'm kind of like I'm an acting major, you know,

485
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,240
I already got the college degree, so but I'm here,

486
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:32,039
you know, and if you want me, I can be here.

487
00:30:32,319 --> 00:30:35,519
And it was like, like I had no understanding of

488
00:30:35,559 --> 00:30:41,119
the fact that I was interviewing for a spot, and

489
00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:43,839
he was like, well, you might as well, uh, you

490
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,839
might as well do the class, and I was like yeah, probably.

491
00:30:47,319 --> 00:30:48,559
He was like, I mean, what else are you going

492
00:30:48,599 --> 00:30:51,240
to do? Like sit around and think about yourself all

493
00:30:51,319 --> 00:30:56,799
day long? And I I sort of paused because it

494
00:30:56,839 --> 00:30:58,319
was the first time that he had said something that

495
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:01,039
was like mine, like sort of insult thing, but it

496
00:31:01,119 --> 00:31:06,000
was also extremely accurate because that was my favorite thing

497
00:31:06,039 --> 00:31:08,440
to do, was like sit around and think about myself

498
00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:12,640
all day long. So were you working like a regular

499
00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:14,960
job at this point. Yeah, I was working at like

500
00:31:15,559 --> 00:31:19,200
hold on, I was always working at like some kind

501
00:31:19,279 --> 00:31:24,119
of job. But I was also constantly getting fired from

502
00:31:25,359 --> 00:31:26,039
whatever job.

503
00:31:26,079 --> 00:31:28,960
Speaker 1: I was getting fired a lot too, probably around the

504
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:30,599
same age as you are.

505
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:35,079
Speaker 3: Yeah, just fired like every three weeks or or you know,

506
00:31:35,319 --> 00:31:37,839
or like or it was like I was late and

507
00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:41,240
I was afraid of getting fired, so I would just say, hey,

508
00:31:41,319 --> 00:31:44,160
my stepmom died and I can't come in anymore, and

509
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:47,279
it was like, like I was. It was like if

510
00:31:47,319 --> 00:31:49,440
I was late more than twice, I knew that I

511
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,279
was about to get fired. So I was like, let

512
00:31:52,279 --> 00:31:54,720
me just be the one to cut this, cut this loose,

513
00:31:54,759 --> 00:31:57,279
and I'd kill off a family member or two just

514
00:31:57,359 --> 00:32:01,480
to just to kind of cut time without any questions,

515
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:06,279
which still I'm like, so psychotic.

516
00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:11,680
Speaker 1: But I got a fire from a job one time

517
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,480
on my first shift for getting in an argument with

518
00:32:14,519 --> 00:32:15,119
a customer.

519
00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:15,599
Speaker 2: Yeah.

520
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:19,039
Speaker 1: I got a cocktail waitressing job and the first night,

521
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,720
one of the customers was drunk and like being rude

522
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:24,920
to the bus boy, and I was like, thinking, I

523
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:26,119
was very self righteous.

524
00:32:26,359 --> 00:32:28,319
Speaker 3: I was like, yes, I cut her off.

525
00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:30,839
Speaker 1: I told her to get out, and then she was

526
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:32,799
friends with the owner and they brought me into a

527
00:32:32,839 --> 00:32:35,240
back room at the end of my first shift and

528
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:36,960
they're like, yeah, it's not going to work out.

529
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:41,920
Speaker 3: I did that too. I tried to kick out a

530
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:46,440
customer as a waitress. They weren't friends with the owner,

531
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:49,640
thank god, and the restaurant was such shit that I like,

532
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,119
they didn't care, but it was I did the same thing.

533
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:54,160
I remember the manager coming over and being like, yeah,

534
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:58,960
you can't do that. That's not your position here, like

535
00:33:00,279 --> 00:33:02,440
go saying, she can't fucking talk to me like that,

536
00:33:02,599 --> 00:33:04,359
you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.

537
00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:07,799
Speaker 1: I was positive I was smarter than all restaurant managers.

538
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:10,119
It was funny because I was a waitress, but I

539
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:14,480
was definitely smarter than everybody. Could run the restaurant way

540
00:33:14,519 --> 00:33:15,480
better than they could.

541
00:33:15,799 --> 00:33:16,200
Speaker 2: Yeah.

542
00:33:16,279 --> 00:33:18,799
Speaker 3: Yes, I mean sometimes I look back and I go,

543
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:21,559
if I could just get like a little bit of

544
00:33:21,559 --> 00:33:24,839
the confidence that I had when I was an idiot,

545
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:26,960
you know, when I was like a true moron. I

546
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,640
just I would just love to get a little bit

547
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:32,039
of that confidence back, you know. And now it is

548
00:33:32,079 --> 00:33:34,559
helpful because I find that the more confident somebody is,

549
00:33:34,599 --> 00:33:37,400
the dumber they are. I will that is like across

550
00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,880
the board. I can pretty much, and I'm talking outward

551
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:45,119
showman like show pony confidence, that kind of confidence. I'm

552
00:33:45,119 --> 00:33:49,680
not talking about unshakable self worth that's a different thing, no,

553
00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:54,799
but like kind of show pony confidence that you see

554
00:33:55,319 --> 00:33:58,839
a lot in comedy. I go, that's a dumb ass

555
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:02,920
that right there, dumb guy. I mean, because I've had

556
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:06,880
it and I was dumb, and you know, I kind

557
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:11,159
of envy them, but I digress. I don't know what

558
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:11,719
I was talking.

559
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:15,599
Speaker 1: So, so you worked at jobs, but now you auditioned

560
00:34:15,679 --> 00:34:19,679
for this acting for the acting studio.

561
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:24,199
Speaker 3: Yes, and my first class, I was like, where are

562
00:34:24,199 --> 00:34:25,559
my drinkers? You know? I was like, oh, I need

563
00:34:25,559 --> 00:34:27,639
people to drink with. So I was like, where are

564
00:34:27,679 --> 00:34:32,280
my drinkers? And you know, everybody was like, oh, I

565
00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:33,719
drink you know. I was like, let's all go get

566
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:36,320
a drink after the show. So we went after the class.

567
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:38,960
So we went out, we got odd drink. Everybody got

568
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:42,119
a drink and they left and I was like, what

569
00:34:42,159 --> 00:34:46,800
the fuck? And it was one guy who I'm still

570
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:50,400
friends with who was like, I'll go out with you,

571
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:54,960
and so we went out until four am and I

572
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:56,880
don't even know where he went. I lost him. At

573
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,400
some point I ran into some girl on the street.

574
00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:01,519
I was like, you should come drink with me, and

575
00:35:01,599 --> 00:35:04,599
she was like, oh no, I'm in I'm in AA,

576
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:06,440
and you know my mom was in AA. So I

577
00:35:06,559 --> 00:35:09,280
was like, oh, yeah, my mom's in AA. I totally

578
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:12,920
I know all about that. And she was like, well

579
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:15,000
you should, you should. If you ever want to, you

580
00:35:15,039 --> 00:35:18,400
can call me. And I was like, I took her

581
00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:19,880
number because I was like, I don't want to look

582
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:23,719
like I'm in denial, so I'll like take her number,

583
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:27,840
but I don't need this, you know. And the next morning,

584
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:31,280
I I blacked out. The rest of the night, I

585
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:34,079
don't remember it, but I did take her number, and

586
00:35:34,119 --> 00:35:35,480
I don't know how I got home, but I woke

587
00:35:35,559 --> 00:35:40,159
up on the floor of my apartment and I got

588
00:35:40,159 --> 00:35:42,760
a phone call from a job that I had not

589
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,400
even been hired at, Like I was still training for

590
00:35:45,519 --> 00:35:50,519
this restaurant job, and I was fired before I had

591
00:35:50,519 --> 00:35:53,519
my first day, Like it was, I was still and

592
00:35:53,559 --> 00:35:56,760
it was just as a hostess in a restaurant where

593
00:35:56,760 --> 00:36:01,159
there were like twelve tables and six on one side,

594
00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:04,440
six on the other. It counted one to six up

595
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,880
the right side and six to twelve down the other side.

596
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:10,280
And I couldn't get it right. I couldn't. My brain

597
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:14,559
could not keep track of like the path of the numbers,

598
00:36:14,639 --> 00:36:17,719
so I kept sucking up the number of tables. Anyway,

599
00:36:18,199 --> 00:36:21,880
they were like, this girl can't count, so we can't

600
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:24,639
hire her, Like we don't even know how she got

601
00:36:24,679 --> 00:36:28,159
a college degree, because she literally can't count twelve. So

602
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:31,760
I get fired from that job. I wake up. I

603
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:34,800
get noticed that I'm fired, and I tried. I remember

604
00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:39,320
lying on my floor in my apartment trying to cry

605
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:41,639
so that and I don't even know who I was

606
00:36:41,679 --> 00:36:46,719
doing it for, Like I remember being like like like

607
00:36:47,519 --> 00:36:52,079
trying to like but no one was there. And I

608
00:36:52,119 --> 00:36:54,880
looked at myself in the mirror and I was like,

609
00:36:55,199 --> 00:37:00,119
who who are you doing this for? Like You're the

610
00:37:00,159 --> 00:37:04,360
only one here, no one's watching you, no one feels

611
00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:10,000
bad for you, And and something about nobody being there

612
00:37:10,039 --> 00:37:14,960
to feel bad for me made me go, I got

613
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:19,880
a problem, like something's wrong and I don't know why.

614
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:22,679
I I was like it was that and then the

615
00:37:22,679 --> 00:37:26,239
combination of this girl like giving me her number, where

616
00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:30,880
I was like, oh, I should call this girl, you know.

617
00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:34,840
And I didn't have any plan to get sober or anything.

618
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:38,119
I just was like, you know, I'll treat I'll treat

619
00:37:38,119 --> 00:37:40,679
it like a confession, like I'll go in and I'll

620
00:37:40,679 --> 00:37:42,840
confess my sins and then you know, like in a

621
00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:44,800
meek or something, I'll go I'll go out and I'll

622
00:37:44,840 --> 00:37:46,920
have like one drink and it'll be fine, like I'll

623
00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:51,840
be normal. And I went to a meeting that night.

624
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:55,320
I remember I spent the entire day like wandering the city.

625
00:37:56,639 --> 00:37:59,400
I probably spent like five or six hours picking an outfit,

626
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:02,679
and I spent the next six hours just like wandering

627
00:38:02,679 --> 00:38:05,480
around the West village waiting for this meeting to start,

628
00:38:05,519 --> 00:38:08,039
because if I didn't, I was like, I will drink,

629
00:38:08,079 --> 00:38:10,679
I'll change my mind, or I'll drink. So I just

630
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:12,800
kind of circled the block where this meeting was going

631
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:15,679
to happen, and I went in and I heard people

632
00:38:16,079 --> 00:38:22,280
like telling talking about their life and what and the

633
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:26,800
way they felt, and just putting into words things that

634
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:32,800
I had lived with secretly for so long that I

635
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:39,079
genuinely believed I was the only person who experienced these feelings.

636
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:43,440
And you know, and it was like the way that

637
00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:47,159
they said it was like you're not You're not. They

638
00:38:47,199 --> 00:38:48,920
didn't say it in a way that made me feel

639
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:51,360
like a victim either. They were like you're not unique,

640
00:38:51,679 --> 00:38:55,519
like you're not, and I was like, oh, so it

641
00:38:55,599 --> 00:38:57,719
kind of felt it appealed to two different parts of

642
00:38:57,719 --> 00:39:01,880
my mind, which is one the part of the part

643
00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:07,960
of me that really needed compassion and understanding, and then

644
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:11,079
two the other part of my mind, which was like,

645
00:39:12,159 --> 00:39:15,599
I'm not interested unless it's a challenge, like I'm not

646
00:39:15,719 --> 00:39:18,639
interested unless it seems like I can't do it, Like

647
00:39:18,679 --> 00:39:20,360
it's got to feel a little bit like a dare

648
00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:24,000
for me to for me to sort of take any

649
00:39:24,079 --> 00:39:26,119
kind of interest in it. And the way that they

650
00:39:26,119 --> 00:39:30,119
said it was like you're not unique, You're not that special,

651
00:39:30,199 --> 00:39:32,239
shut up and listen. And I kind of was like

652
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:37,480
fuck you, you know, and fine, and it was like

653
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:41,639
so it it was really And then I just kept

654
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:45,840
I kept going. I just kept going for like, you know,

655
00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:51,679
until now, like I just I keep going and I

656
00:39:51,679 --> 00:39:55,159
don't go as often as I used to, but I

657
00:39:55,199 --> 00:39:58,000
will never stop because it saved my life, Like it

658
00:39:58,360 --> 00:40:02,280
really saved my life. Wouldn't be where I am today

659
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:08,199
if it weren't for getting sober. And the only way

660
00:40:08,199 --> 00:40:09,920
that I knew how to do how to get sober

661
00:40:10,039 --> 00:40:12,920
was to was to have that community of people who

662
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:15,719
made me feel understood. I mean, that's always been important

663
00:40:16,159 --> 00:40:18,679
in my life, just as a theme is, like I've

664
00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:21,199
always been in search of like a community of people

665
00:40:22,119 --> 00:40:26,559
that I feel at home with, like a family outside

666
00:40:26,559 --> 00:40:31,840
of my family. Because again, you know, the one thing

667
00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:35,480
that I really haven't been able to shake, even through sobriety,

668
00:40:35,519 --> 00:40:38,800
even through ten years and years therapy and all the shit,

669
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:42,559
it's like, I don't feel entirely at home in my

670
00:40:42,639 --> 00:40:48,559
own family. And that is, you know, the more I

671
00:40:48,639 --> 00:40:52,000
understand about my family and the more I understand about myself,

672
00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:56,000
I go, that's nobody's fault. That is just the way

673
00:40:56,000 --> 00:41:01,559
it is. And I but it's beautiful because I've I

674
00:41:01,599 --> 00:41:03,239
have a family on my own now, you know, I

675
00:41:03,239 --> 00:41:06,280
have a family that I've created, and I have a

676
00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:10,159
chosen family, and like in comedy and in sobriety, that

677
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:15,119
supports me and that I feel understood by. So it's

678
00:41:15,159 --> 00:41:18,920
it's kind of yeah, I think that's that's pretty much

679
00:41:19,039 --> 00:41:21,880
like the beginning to end.

680
00:41:22,159 --> 00:41:24,079
Speaker 2: So what year was that that you got sober?

681
00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:30,639
Speaker 3: Two thousand and six?

682
00:41:31,719 --> 00:41:35,079
Speaker 1: Okay, I got sober in two thousand and nine, so

683
00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:37,840
you really Yeah, so you have been sober a few

684
00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:42,159
years longer than I have. But it does get easier

685
00:41:42,239 --> 00:41:46,079
right as the years go on, the idea of drinking

686
00:41:46,119 --> 00:41:49,559
being a solution to anything is just like further and

687
00:41:49,599 --> 00:41:54,760
further away. Yeah, yeah, because you doesn't create other you

688
00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:58,440
have other tools there there does There is more space

689
00:41:58,639 --> 00:42:03,440
between feeling unhappy or going through changes in your life.

690
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:08,239
Speaker 2: And thinking of a quick fix being the solution.

691
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:09,800
Speaker 3: Right. Yeah.

692
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:13,320
Speaker 1: I remember like the first time I took a xanax

693
00:42:14,159 --> 00:42:19,320
and I was like, oh, this is how I'm supposed

694
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:22,559
to feel, like, this is how normal people feel. This

695
00:42:22,599 --> 00:42:26,000
is how it feels not to feel the way I

696
00:42:26,039 --> 00:42:29,000
feel all the time. And then I remember when I

697
00:42:29,039 --> 00:42:32,360
got sober, the bad news to me, worse than not

698
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:34,880
being able to drink, was not being able to take xanex,

699
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:39,159
which I had decided was my magic elixir, my way

700
00:42:39,199 --> 00:42:43,119
to feel okay, and realizing I'm gonna have to find

701
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:46,920
others I'm gonna have to sit with feeling uncomfortable, and

702
00:42:47,159 --> 00:42:49,280
that was the worst news. I was like, I don't

703
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:52,559
know how anybody does it. And there were times and

704
00:42:52,599 --> 00:42:57,239
now like I guess it's that when you feel uncomfortable,

705
00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:59,599
or when you feel those feelings where you're like nobody

706
00:42:59,679 --> 00:43:04,400
understand dancew me, you have the ability to go okay,

707
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:07,119
I'm gonna I'm gonna sit with this and I'm gonna

708
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:10,679
i'm gonna let it go by. And I guess too,

709
00:43:10,840 --> 00:43:14,840
just the the getting sober and knowing there's other people

710
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:17,000
that feel the same way you do, you go okay.

711
00:43:17,719 --> 00:43:21,159
Other people feel this way because I think I'm just

712
00:43:21,239 --> 00:43:24,000
hearing in your story such a similarity with myself of

713
00:43:24,119 --> 00:43:28,079
just like nobody and nobody gets it. If people felt

714
00:43:28,119 --> 00:43:31,320
the way I feel, they would drink, they would take drugs,

715
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:33,639
they would do something. How can people just like feel

716
00:43:33,679 --> 00:43:34,519
this way all the time.

717
00:43:35,199 --> 00:43:37,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like I was like, I'm not that. That can't

718
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:39,079
be the way that I just like live my life.

719
00:43:39,239 --> 00:43:43,679
That's not that is actually unmanageable. Yeah, I'm like that

720
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:47,159
feels more unmanageable than the drinking. Like the drinking. I

721
00:43:47,199 --> 00:43:49,960
can lie, I can cheat, I can I can come

722
00:43:50,039 --> 00:43:53,280
up with multiple ways to fix the you know, to

723
00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:55,280
like put a band aid on the problems that I

724
00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:59,519
cause when I'm drinking and I have an out every

725
00:43:59,519 --> 00:44:03,920
single time, which is I don't remember, you know, like, yeah,

726
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:08,199
I'm sorry, but I wasn't really there, like you know

727
00:44:08,199 --> 00:44:12,800
what I mean, sounds terrible, really sorry about what you

728
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:18,039
went through. I personally no recollection. It's not ringing a bell.

729
00:44:18,559 --> 00:44:23,639
So I kind of had that out to be like eh,

730
00:44:23,679 --> 00:44:25,599
and it just felt like this is a this is

731
00:44:25,719 --> 00:44:30,159
an easier fix than sitting with myself. That's that feels

732
00:44:30,599 --> 00:44:32,599
I have no idea how to do that I have

733
00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:36,679
no idea how to do that, and the idea of

734
00:44:36,679 --> 00:44:43,719
like don't just do something sit there was impossible for

735
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:47,880
me really up until I was like seven years sober

736
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:53,079
and I was dating an alcoholic, an active alcoholic who

737
00:44:53,599 --> 00:44:55,119
you know, it was like my turn to be the

738
00:44:55,159 --> 00:44:59,480
codependent and all my understanding of alcoholism went out the window.

739
00:45:00,039 --> 00:45:01,760
And I thought I could change him, and I thought

740
00:45:01,800 --> 00:45:04,840
I could fix it, and I thought I could, you know,

741
00:45:06,079 --> 00:45:08,960
be like an angel, I could be like a human angel.

742
00:45:09,599 --> 00:45:13,800
And didn't really work out in my favor. You know,

743
00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:18,400
he's like still drinking as far as I know, And

744
00:45:20,119 --> 00:45:22,400
I ended up in like a domestic abuse situation with

745
00:45:22,480 --> 00:45:24,840
him and was like I got to go to alan

746
00:45:24,920 --> 00:45:28,639
On and like I didn't know. I really didn't know

747
00:45:28,679 --> 00:45:34,760
how to like sit down and just just be in

748
00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:39,079
my own life until I was about seven years sober,

749
00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:44,039
and like, once I'd broken up with him, I was like, Okay,

750
00:45:45,199 --> 00:45:49,760
I've made other people my alcohol like my alcohol. I

751
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:52,920
focused on them instead of myself. Well what do I

752
00:45:53,079 --> 00:45:56,599
like to do? Like what do I even like? And

753
00:45:57,599 --> 00:46:02,000
you know, I quit acting. I did. Uh. I was

754
00:46:02,039 --> 00:46:04,199
like maybe I'll be a social worker or something. I

755
00:46:04,199 --> 00:46:08,079
don't know, like I just spent a year not working out,

756
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:11,159
because the way I worked out was like punishing the

757
00:46:11,199 --> 00:46:13,320
way I you know, I worked out only when I

758
00:46:13,320 --> 00:46:15,599
felt like it, I ate what I wanted. I did.

759
00:46:15,639 --> 00:46:17,960
It was like a year of just getting into my

760
00:46:18,039 --> 00:46:21,400
own body and like understanding what I liked and what

761
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:25,679
I didn't like, and just those basic things I didn't

762
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:30,360
I needed to understand those. So I spent a year

763
00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:35,239
of just like self care, really basic shit, walking my dog,

764
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:40,719
brushing my teeth, washing my face, you know, and figuring

765
00:46:40,719 --> 00:46:44,400
out what my interests were. And I, by the end

766
00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:47,559
of that year had done my first open mic, and

767
00:46:49,039 --> 00:46:53,480
I think waited like another four months before I got

768
00:46:53,519 --> 00:46:56,800
an invitation to go to a second open mic and

769
00:46:58,199 --> 00:47:02,360
did that and then was like, oh, I really like this,

770
00:47:02,639 --> 00:47:06,960
and I just started doing comedy over every night, and

771
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:13,280
then my whole life like opened up. So it's just crazy,

772
00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:18,800
how you know, how long it took me just to

773
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:21,800
listen to my own life and to listen to my

774
00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:30,760
own body and my own mind without reaching for a

775
00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:36,960
relationship or a means of controlling my food intake, or

776
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:42,800
a means of you know, punishing myself for nourishing myself

777
00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:44,719
which was like a major thing where it's like I

778
00:47:44,719 --> 00:47:47,320
would eat and then I would like work out in

779
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:54,079
a way that was really damaging and the so yeah

780
00:47:54,119 --> 00:47:58,039
I was, but I'm so grateful because I have had

781
00:47:58,079 --> 00:48:08,400
this GANU and like journey through I don't I don't

782
00:48:08,400 --> 00:48:12,280
even know how to put it, like like I feel

783
00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:17,760
more self actualized because of how long everything took, Like

784
00:48:18,679 --> 00:48:20,559
it just took me so long to learn these like

785
00:48:20,599 --> 00:48:23,000
basic lessons. And at the same time, I get I

786
00:48:23,039 --> 00:48:25,719
got sober young, and I hear people who got sober

787
00:48:25,760 --> 00:48:28,119
later go like, oh, but you got sober young, and

788
00:48:28,119 --> 00:48:30,920
I'm so jealous, and I go, it doesn't it didn't help,

789
00:48:31,039 --> 00:48:34,079
you know, Like, yeah, I got sober young, but but

790
00:48:34,280 --> 00:48:41,480
I spent almost a decade of my sobriety really doing

791
00:48:41,519 --> 00:48:44,280
myself no favors, like really truly acting like I was

792
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:46,719
still an alcoholic. I would be like in bathroom stalls

793
00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:50,880
with my friends who were doing coke, like being like wow,

794
00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:55,960
looks fun, you know, just like trying to be still

795
00:48:56,039 --> 00:48:59,760
cool with it and hoping that maybe they'll get sober.

796
00:49:00,159 --> 00:49:03,119
Like me sitting in a bathroom stall was somebody doing coke.

797
00:49:04,039 --> 00:49:07,119
It's like, which of those two looks more appealing on

798
00:49:07,159 --> 00:49:11,199
the surface, you know, like, yeah, nobody on cocaine going,

799
00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:15,920
you know, sobriety sounds nice.

800
00:49:16,199 --> 00:49:20,440
Speaker 1: So so, how long after you got well, after you

801
00:49:20,559 --> 00:49:24,320
started being self actualized and doing stand up, did you

802
00:49:24,360 --> 00:49:27,880
get your first like TV writing job was SNL?

803
00:49:27,960 --> 00:49:31,239
Speaker 2: The first couldn't have been, No.

804
00:49:30,360 --> 00:49:37,599
Speaker 3: No, no. My first writing job was was the Roast

805
00:49:37,639 --> 00:49:43,119
develop Baldwin Develic Baldwin and I had done a lot

806
00:49:43,159 --> 00:49:46,920
of roasts and like roast battles, and I would do

807
00:49:47,119 --> 00:49:50,960
like these. I think I did like sixteen roast battles

808
00:49:50,960 --> 00:49:52,800
in a year because it was the only way that

809
00:49:52,840 --> 00:49:56,079
I could get my my jokes in front of comics

810
00:49:56,119 --> 00:49:59,519
that were better than I was. Like, you know, we're

811
00:49:59,639 --> 00:50:02,000
comics that were in bigger clubs, comics that were that

812
00:50:02,039 --> 00:50:03,880
were pasted at the seller that were pasted it like

813
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:07,239
bigger clubs than I was pasted in. And so I

814
00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:09,559
just did as many of those as possible just to

815
00:50:09,639 --> 00:50:11,440
kind of get my name out there as like a

816
00:50:11,480 --> 00:50:17,480
comic who could write, and did that and then got

817
00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:20,639
hired for the Roast of Alec Baldwin and which I

818
00:50:20,679 --> 00:50:28,440
wrote on with Bonnie and then did that. Dann Michael Cha,

819
00:50:29,039 --> 00:50:34,079
which was about maybe six or seven months later, and

820
00:50:34,119 --> 00:50:36,360
then did season two of that Dan Michael Chay, and

821
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:41,119
then did the last season of Inside Amy Schumer, and

822
00:50:41,199 --> 00:50:46,679
halfway through that I got hired at SNL to do

823
00:50:48,079 --> 00:50:50,360
to be a sketch writer at SNL, And that was

824
00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:54,800
in twenty twenty two two.

825
00:50:54,960 --> 00:51:00,840
Speaker 2: Yes, Wikipedia page yeah, yeah, not always correct. But and

826
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:02,320
how was that environment?

827
00:51:02,760 --> 00:51:05,719
Speaker 1: You know, you hear all the crazy things and that

828
00:51:05,840 --> 00:51:08,199
it's a pretty big like drinking.

829
00:51:09,960 --> 00:51:12,000
Speaker 2: Probably we'd environment.

830
00:51:12,159 --> 00:51:14,519
Speaker 1: Was that hard at all to be in like a

831
00:51:14,599 --> 00:51:19,440
high pressure kind of thing and be the sober one?

832
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:23,760
Speaker 3: No, not really. There's a lot of sober people now.

833
00:51:25,119 --> 00:51:27,519
There's a lot of sober people at U SNL, which

834
00:51:27,599 --> 00:51:32,360
I was lucky to like have that, you know. And

835
00:51:32,440 --> 00:51:38,079
also I think the you know, when you're at the

836
00:51:38,119 --> 00:51:40,920
after parties, but you work there, it's not like you

837
00:51:40,920 --> 00:51:46,679
can really like go that nuts without it affecting things

838
00:51:46,679 --> 00:51:50,559
at work. So I wasn't like, oh damn, I'm really

839
00:51:50,559 --> 00:51:52,960
missing out on the part of this where we're all

840
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:55,480
acting a fool. I mean, it's like it's changed a

841
00:51:55,519 --> 00:52:04,400
lot since the seventies where everybody was like really just crazy, right, Yeah,

842
00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:07,639
So I didn't I never really had had trouble with that.

843
00:52:08,719 --> 00:52:13,480
Speaker 1: And then how long into your I guess, sobriety, did

844
00:52:13,519 --> 00:52:14,800
you meet your now husband.

845
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:23,599
Speaker 3: Let's see, I met him in twenty nineteen or twenty eighteen,

846
00:52:23,800 --> 00:52:27,199
but like really like started dating in twenty nineteen, right

847
00:52:27,280 --> 00:52:34,159
before yeah, yeah, right before COVID, right before COVID. And

848
00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:37,760
it was like I'd been in like a five year

849
00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:41,519
relationship with the with the guy who was my first

850
00:52:41,559 --> 00:52:46,599
relationship after that guy who drank, and this was like

851
00:52:47,920 --> 00:52:51,599
kind of a it was a little bit it didn't

852
00:52:51,679 --> 00:52:53,639
start this way, but by the end of it, I

853
00:52:53,679 --> 00:52:57,440
was like, this feels a lot. It feels similar in

854
00:52:57,519 --> 00:53:01,960
that this person is like drink. They don't drink, but

855
00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:03,800
they smoke weed in a way that makes it look

856
00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:08,960
like it's we're gonna heroin, you know. And I was like,

857
00:53:09,039 --> 00:53:11,559
and I never really tried to say anything, but once

858
00:53:11,599 --> 00:53:15,480
I caught myself wanting to be like, hey, maybe don't like,

859
00:53:15,559 --> 00:53:18,440
maybe try not to you know, if you feel like

860
00:53:18,519 --> 00:53:23,480
this way about your life, maybe it's this. And obviously

861
00:53:23,519 --> 00:53:27,280
that was not met with like open arms. It wasn't

862
00:53:27,320 --> 00:53:31,440
like a welcome suggestion. So I also found that like,

863
00:53:31,920 --> 00:53:35,760
outside of that, I was being promised things in the

864
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:39,559
beginning of the relationship like marriage and things like that,

865
00:53:39,599 --> 00:53:43,320
where I was like, those are getting further and further away,

866
00:53:45,599 --> 00:53:48,280
and it feels like we're not moving towards those, you know.

867
00:53:48,400 --> 00:53:52,119
So eventually I did. I left, and I was like

868
00:53:52,159 --> 00:53:54,360
it was it was harder to leave because there was

869
00:53:54,400 --> 00:53:57,079
no big dramatic thing, but it was like, I'm leaving

870
00:53:57,159 --> 00:54:03,719
because of the things that I want. And about a

871
00:54:03,880 --> 00:54:10,239
year later, I met Andy or met re met him,

872
00:54:10,320 --> 00:54:15,119
you know, was like interested and started dating him, and

873
00:54:15,639 --> 00:54:18,119
it was like I was like, I'm gonna go into

874
00:54:18,119 --> 00:54:20,320
this a little bit differently and I'm just gonna say

875
00:54:20,599 --> 00:54:24,519
exactly what I want, which is like, hey, I'm looking

876
00:54:24,599 --> 00:54:26,559
to get married. If you're not interested in that, I

877
00:54:26,559 --> 00:54:28,920
think I need to move on, Like, you know, I

878
00:54:28,960 --> 00:54:32,440
really really like you, but if that's not something that's

879
00:54:32,440 --> 00:54:34,119
like in the cards for you, I gotta I gotta

880
00:54:34,159 --> 00:54:36,760
keep it moving. I gotta go like start fucking other

881
00:54:36,800 --> 00:54:41,480
people like stat. And so he was like, no, I

882
00:54:41,480 --> 00:54:44,880
don't I don't want I don't want that. I I's

883
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:47,280
like I would consider I would consider marriage again, and

884
00:54:47,360 --> 00:54:50,159
I'm I'm not opposed to it. And I was like Okay,

885
00:54:50,199 --> 00:54:52,599
well it doesn't have to be. You know, I know

886
00:54:52,639 --> 00:54:54,960
that this is like kind of a weird way to

887
00:54:55,039 --> 00:54:57,440
walk into things. I don't I'm not saying like, hey,

888
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:01,559
marry me tomorrow. I'm just making sure that you're interested

889
00:55:01,639 --> 00:55:04,360
in something like that, so that if things feel good

890
00:55:04,360 --> 00:55:07,480
between us, that that's a possibility and that that's not

891
00:55:07,519 --> 00:55:11,199
going to be like taken away, because that's something that

892
00:55:11,239 --> 00:55:14,519
I felt with and he was like, no, no, I

893
00:55:15,199 --> 00:55:18,159
hear you, and like, you know, he was also sober

894
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:23,599
and for a while and was in therapy and was

895
00:55:23,599 --> 00:55:25,440
like working on himself. So it was like I felt

896
00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:30,239
like I could really trust what he was saying, and

897
00:55:30,559 --> 00:55:36,239
he uh yeah, he like I think he proposed like

898
00:55:36,519 --> 00:55:41,599
nine months in we were like it was right. Maybe

899
00:55:41,599 --> 00:55:46,119
we were like three days into lockdown, so you know,

900
00:55:46,159 --> 00:55:48,760
two alcoholics don't really deal well with boredom. So we

901
00:55:48,760 --> 00:55:51,840
were like, let's change our entire lives. Let's get a dog,

902
00:55:52,199 --> 00:55:54,840
let's start a podcast, let's get engaged. You know. We

903
00:55:55,039 --> 00:55:59,280
like we did all of it and and got married

904
00:55:59,320 --> 00:56:02,559
in September twenty twenty, which was great, by the way,

905
00:56:02,599 --> 00:56:04,840
because you don't have to like invite a ton of family.

906
00:56:05,079 --> 00:56:07,880
You can just you be like, hey, we'd love to

907
00:56:07,960 --> 00:56:14,159
have you there, but we're trying to save you. So yeah.

908
00:56:14,199 --> 00:56:19,239
Speaker 1: And then and then you had your baby only a

909
00:56:19,280 --> 00:56:22,119
couple of years ago, so a couple of years in that.

910
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:25,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but you had a miscarriage.

911
00:56:25,920 --> 00:56:34,400
Speaker 3: I had. I had multiple miscarriages. Yeah, sorry, thank you. Yeah,

912
00:56:34,440 --> 00:56:38,760
it was It was funny because I didn't really want kids.

913
00:56:39,159 --> 00:56:41,679
I wasn't really interested in like the loss of freedom,

914
00:56:41,800 --> 00:56:45,440
and I wasn't really interested honestly in like the love.

915
00:56:46,679 --> 00:56:50,039
It just scared the fuck out of me. And you know,

916
00:56:50,119 --> 00:56:52,400
having a sister who passed away at like a young age,

917
00:56:52,559 --> 00:56:57,559
it really brings up a lot. And so I was

918
00:56:57,599 --> 00:57:01,480
really terrified of that. But I got pregnant by accident

919
00:57:02,119 --> 00:57:07,360
and had a miscarriage and then was like, oh, well, okay,

920
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:09,679
that's it's meant to be. It's like, you know, I

921
00:57:09,920 --> 00:57:13,039
don't want kids, so but then it just kept like

922
00:57:13,119 --> 00:57:15,400
it was like in the back of my mind being like, hey,

923
00:57:15,480 --> 00:57:17,840
remember we got pregnant, Like that was kind of sweet,

924
00:57:17,920 --> 00:57:20,440
Like it was like this thing in the back of

925
00:57:20,440 --> 00:57:22,280
my mind after that where I was like, wait, do

926
00:57:22,320 --> 00:57:25,719
I want this? You know? And then so we started

927
00:57:25,760 --> 00:57:31,320
trying and and then we had another miscarriage, and this

928
00:57:31,400 --> 00:57:34,920
time it was like I was like eleven weeks or something,

929
00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:42,079
and like couldn't establish care for the pregnancy, like healthcare wise,

930
00:57:43,679 --> 00:57:46,639
and so it was diagnosis of the missed miscarriage, so

931
00:57:47,360 --> 00:57:52,880
like the embryo, like it hadn't made it past I

932
00:57:52,960 --> 00:57:57,159
think it was like seven weeks, but my body didn't

933
00:57:57,159 --> 00:57:59,800
know that I wasn't pregnant, so my body kept developing

934
00:57:59,840 --> 00:58:02,920
as if I was pregnant, like eleven eleven weeks, you know,

935
00:58:02,960 --> 00:58:07,639
twelve weeks. Then when I found out that one was

936
00:58:07,679 --> 00:58:11,719
really devastating because I like I had I had that

937
00:58:11,960 --> 00:58:13,880
and I and I had to shoot my special like

938
00:58:13,920 --> 00:58:15,119
three weeks from that date.

939
00:58:15,360 --> 00:58:15,880
Speaker 2: Oh wow.

940
00:58:15,920 --> 00:58:22,119
Speaker 3: So yeah, So I had this miscarriage and then had

941
00:58:22,119 --> 00:58:26,800
like the DNC which I had to which for some

942
00:58:26,840 --> 00:58:30,519
reason couldn't be scheduled until like two weeks after the

943
00:58:30,559 --> 00:58:33,320
miscarriage had been diagnosed. So I was just walking around

944
00:58:34,519 --> 00:58:37,440
knowing that I'd had a miscarriage, waiting for a DNC

945
00:58:38,679 --> 00:58:47,360
and finally had it, and UH had to get on

946
00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:50,239
the road the next week to do a run of

947
00:58:50,280 --> 00:58:53,840
shows to prepare for my special. So it was like

948
00:58:54,159 --> 00:58:58,320
it was like alone in the Midwest, trying to like

949
00:58:58,440 --> 00:59:02,599
run jokes for like, you know, places that didn't believe

950
00:59:02,599 --> 00:59:04,719
in COVID because that was the only place you could perform,

951
00:59:05,320 --> 00:59:11,519
and feeling like really out of body and crazy. And

952
00:59:11,559 --> 00:59:14,639
then shot my special, which was healing in a way

953
00:59:14,639 --> 00:59:17,239
because it felt like Okay, well I have delivered something,

954
00:59:17,920 --> 00:59:26,880
you know, and then for about it was a long

955
00:59:26,960 --> 00:59:29,119
time before I tried again. It was like a long

956
00:59:29,159 --> 00:59:30,960
time before I was like I don't want anything to

957
00:59:30,960 --> 00:59:33,199
do with this. I don't want kids, like forget this.

958
00:59:33,199 --> 00:59:36,000
This is like too wrought with like pain at this point.

959
00:59:37,280 --> 00:59:40,719
And I had this conversation with my mother actually when

960
00:59:40,719 --> 00:59:45,039
I went home and was like really torturing myself because

961
00:59:45,039 --> 00:59:47,679
my sister had a baby at the same time. My

962
00:59:47,760 --> 00:59:51,280
sister was pregnant, like right after I had my miscarriage.

963
00:59:51,320 --> 00:59:53,719
My sister was like, Hey, I'm pregnant, and then she

964
00:59:53,920 --> 00:59:56,400
had her kid, and so I was just like and

965
00:59:56,480 --> 00:59:58,480
my best friend got pregnant at the same time as me,

966
00:59:58,599 --> 01:00:01,239
she had hers. It's like all around me people were

967
01:00:01,239 --> 01:00:04,039
having their babies. And I had this feeling of like

968
01:00:04,119 --> 01:00:09,280
I guess I'm just not going to and and so

969
01:00:09,320 --> 01:00:11,800
I just put it away until I went home, and

970
01:00:11,840 --> 01:00:14,159
my mom has this way of like drawing out whatever

971
01:00:14,280 --> 01:00:18,480
like vulnerabilities I have, and so she was asking me

972
01:00:18,559 --> 01:00:19,920
like how I was doing, and I was like, I

973
01:00:19,960 --> 01:00:22,840
just don't know what to do. Like I I'm like,

974
01:00:22,880 --> 01:00:24,880
I don't want to get pregnant right now because I

975
01:00:25,199 --> 01:00:27,159
just got hired at ESNL and I just like, I

976
01:00:27,199 --> 01:00:30,559
can't do that job and be pregnant. And you know,

977
01:00:30,719 --> 01:00:32,639
she was like, why don't you try IVF. So I

978
01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:41,079
did IVF, completed IVF, got we did great, you know,

979
01:00:41,199 --> 01:00:45,800
I like it was an ideal thing for us, was

980
01:00:45,840 --> 01:00:48,079
we you know, we got more embryos than we thought

981
01:00:48,079 --> 01:00:52,119
we were going to get and uh and then two

982
01:00:52,159 --> 01:00:55,360
months later, I got pregnant like naturally, like the old

983
01:00:55,400 --> 01:01:01,719
fashioned way, and you know, and uh yeah it was.

984
01:01:01,800 --> 01:01:06,880
It was kind of crazy. So I was just like,

985
01:01:06,920 --> 01:01:09,679
all right, I if this is happening now, it's happening

986
01:01:09,679 --> 01:01:13,519
now and turn up like I had my baby and

987
01:01:14,159 --> 01:01:16,239
I went back to work and I did my last

988
01:01:16,239 --> 01:01:19,119
two years to decon now as a mom.

989
01:01:20,360 --> 01:01:25,880
Speaker 2: That's amazing. Okay, So now bring it home. You're you

990
01:01:26,000 --> 01:01:27,639
do a podcast currently?

991
01:01:28,519 --> 01:01:31,719
Speaker 3: No, no, we my husband I had one during the pandemic.

992
01:01:31,760 --> 01:01:35,800
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, yeah, but you just wrote a book, is it?

993
01:01:35,840 --> 01:01:36,199
Speaker 3: Is it?

994
01:01:36,480 --> 01:01:37,519
Speaker 2: Do you have a release date?

995
01:01:39,440 --> 01:01:43,199
Speaker 3: I don't have a release date yet. I haven't like

996
01:01:43,360 --> 01:01:47,000
done an announcement, like a formal announcement before yet. But

997
01:01:47,320 --> 01:01:51,960
it's like I'm supposed to before November tenth, so should

998
01:01:51,960 --> 01:01:53,840
be out soon. Uh.

999
01:01:54,559 --> 01:01:57,159
Speaker 2: And but it is called half baked.

1000
01:01:57,599 --> 01:01:58,840
Speaker 3: No, no, it's called fully baked.

1001
01:01:58,880 --> 01:02:03,360
Speaker 1: Oh, fully baked, fully pat Okay, yeah, okay. And you're touring,

1002
01:02:03,519 --> 01:02:07,119
do you have any This will go up like around

1003
01:02:07,159 --> 01:02:09,199
the time that you're going to start announcing your books,

1004
01:02:09,199 --> 01:02:11,480
So do you have any dates you want to outlug?

1005
01:02:11,639 --> 01:02:18,000
Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely, let me find the second here, just got

1006
01:02:18,039 --> 01:02:23,119
to remember my own website. Yeah, I'm going to be

1007
01:02:25,400 --> 01:02:30,880
let's see November seventh and eighth. I'll be in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

1008
01:02:30,880 --> 01:02:32,360
I don't know if this is coming out before then,

1009
01:02:32,400 --> 01:02:36,840
but I'll be in Tulsa. We might miss that, okay. Rosemont, Illinois,

1010
01:02:36,920 --> 01:02:41,000
November twenty first three to twenty second, Wilmington, North Carolina,

1011
01:02:41,079 --> 01:02:54,159
December twelfth and thirteenth, Sunnyvale, California. January, Salt Lake City, Philadelphia, Seattle, Portland, Charlotte, Austin, Chicago, Albuquerque. Yeah,

1012
01:02:54,360 --> 01:02:57,320
and there's more dates that are being added, so.

1013
01:02:56,760 --> 01:03:01,679
Speaker 1: So can people check your website, yes, bud Baker dot com.

1014
01:03:01,360 --> 01:03:06,039
Speaker 2: Okay, and your and your Instagram.

1015
01:03:04,400 --> 01:03:09,960
Speaker 3: Instagram's Rosebud Baker, TikTok's rosebud Baker YouTube is rosebud Baker.

1016
01:03:10,599 --> 01:03:12,159
So well, yeah, I.

1017
01:03:12,159 --> 01:03:14,360
Speaker 2: Will put it in the description of the episode all

1018
01:03:14,400 --> 01:03:15,239
the places.

1019
01:03:15,440 --> 01:03:18,639
Speaker 1: I thank you so much, what a great thank you,

1020
01:03:18,760 --> 01:03:22,480
a great story and with a happy ending.

1021
01:03:23,440 --> 01:03:27,800
Speaker 3: Yeah really time might I might suck it up, you know?

1022
01:03:29,360 --> 01:03:29,719
Speaker 1: All right?

1023
01:03:29,920 --> 01:03:50,920
Speaker 2: Thank you, Rosebud, Thanks everybody, see you next week. Bye.