WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.880 --> 00:00:03.839 Well, well, well, welcome back to talking Schmidt Bestie's how 2 00:00:03.919 --> 00:00:07.799 are you today? I'll go first. I'm just had a 3 00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:11.080 mental breakdown because these chairs that I got for the 4 00:00:11.119 --> 00:00:14.080 pod area in my apartment are the same color as 5 00:00:14.119 --> 00:00:18.039 the wall, and I cannot fathom a world where I 6 00:00:18.120 --> 00:00:21.760 return them. I can't imagine carrying them down three flights 7 00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:24.719 of stairs to God knows where to return them to 8 00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:28.679 God knows who. And now I just have an apartment 9 00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:31.280 that's monochrome. I look like I'm living in a brick 10 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:33.520 and I'm sitting on a brick and I'm just becoming 11 00:00:33.560 --> 00:00:37.000 a brick. My pants are brick colored. Everything is brick colored, 12 00:00:37.280 --> 00:00:41.200 except for my tears. If you notice, I have under 13 00:00:41.240 --> 00:00:44.719 eye patches on now because I was just crying. No, 14 00:00:44.799 --> 00:00:47.520 I wasn't crying, but I was very upset because I 15 00:00:47.560 --> 00:00:51.200 tried to shoot this and take one. Was me realizing 16 00:00:51.240 --> 00:00:54.079 that it looks like I'm floating and my chair is 17 00:00:54.119 --> 00:00:56.479 the same color as my wall. And that's a colossal 18 00:00:56.520 --> 00:00:59.840 fuck up. And I'm depressed about it because I was 19 00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:03.960 excited about these chairs because they're these like luxurious, luxurious, 20 00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:06.040 What the fuck is that word? Why can't I say it? Today? 21 00:01:06.040 --> 00:01:09.959 That sounds like word solid, luxurious orange color, like a 22 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:12.760 burnt orange color that's so beautiful. But guess what, My 23 00:01:12.799 --> 00:01:15.159 floors are burned orange and so are my walls. So 24 00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:19.920 I am just living in a burnt orange ball. I'm 25 00:01:19.920 --> 00:01:22.359 the burnt orange ball man. Anyway, besties, hope your Monday 26 00:01:22.400 --> 00:01:26.239 is off to a better start than mine. All things considered, 27 00:01:26.319 --> 00:01:31.680 I'm doing great. I really am. I love New York City. 28 00:01:31.760 --> 00:01:34.120 Can we talk about New York City? 29 00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:34.519 Oh? 30 00:01:34.560 --> 00:01:36.319 Also, before we start talking about how much I love 31 00:01:36.359 --> 00:01:38.719 New York City, let's talk about the fact I just 32 00:01:38.719 --> 00:01:40.959 booked some dates in Phoenix. I'm gonna be in Phoenix, 33 00:01:41.000 --> 00:01:46.480 Arizona at Stand Up Live on July eighteenth and nineteenth. 34 00:01:46.560 --> 00:01:47.680 I'm doing a quick little. 35 00:01:47.480 --> 00:01:49.359 Weekend if you guys want to come see my new hour. 36 00:01:49.400 --> 00:01:53.560 I'm having so much fun with it. I am a 37 00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:59.840 viscerating the situation I was just in, and that is 38 00:01:59.879 --> 00:02:01.799 the thing I just want you guys all to know. 39 00:02:02.599 --> 00:02:04.480 I want you to know. And while it looks like 40 00:02:04.519 --> 00:02:07.560 I am recording from inside of a box under a bridge, 41 00:02:07.879 --> 00:02:11.120 I have words of wisdom for you, which is that 42 00:02:11.280 --> 00:02:13.240 you can heart a comedian in life. 43 00:02:13.639 --> 00:02:14.080 You can. 44 00:02:14.840 --> 00:02:18.680 But I wouldn't. I just wouldn't, uh, because we are 45 00:02:18.719 --> 00:02:20.400 going to get the last laugh. And that's what we're 46 00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:22.159 gonna do in Phoenix is get the last laugh. So 47 00:02:22.159 --> 00:02:23.840 if you guys want to come hang out, go to 48 00:02:23.879 --> 00:02:26.439 my website Brittain Schmidt dot com and get your tickets 49 00:02:26.479 --> 00:02:30.280 to come see me. I have three shows the on 50 00:02:30.439 --> 00:02:32.759 the eighteenth and nineteenth. I think there's two shows the eighteenth, 51 00:02:32.800 --> 00:02:35.280 one on the nineteenth. Who knows none of my business. 52 00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:37.639 My schedule is never any of my business, you guys. 53 00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:40.960 I one time was at a show and I started 54 00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:43.759 crowdworking about Texas and I was like, oh, Texas. It's 55 00:02:43.800 --> 00:02:45.759 really just fucking strange here, isn't it. You guys, dud 56 00:02:45.840 --> 00:02:47.599 da da da da about Texas? Whatever the fuck I 57 00:02:47.639 --> 00:02:49.319 was saying. And everyone was looking at me with blank 58 00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:51.680 stairs and I was like, what is going on here? 59 00:02:51.680 --> 00:02:54.240 And they're like, you are in Oklahoma City. Oh, and 60 00:02:54.280 --> 00:02:56.879 I got a delivery one second. That delivery system is 61 00:02:56.919 --> 00:02:58.319 going to be the death of me. In case you 62 00:02:58.360 --> 00:03:01.520 guys care. They Amazon comes by the way all hours 63 00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:03.960 of the night. They come at three am, four am 64 00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:06.879 and they ring that bell and I'm just like. 65 00:03:06.800 --> 00:03:09.280 I don't need my dry shampoo. That bad. 66 00:03:09.360 --> 00:03:13.240 Okay, I'll have another day of greasy hair. Like read 67 00:03:13.319 --> 00:03:18.080 the room, the room is asleep, Let me sleep, let 68 00:03:18.080 --> 00:03:22.479 me rest. And it's such a startling sound. Right every 69 00:03:22.520 --> 00:03:25.000 time I hear it, my cortisol spikes. I just don't. 70 00:03:26.199 --> 00:03:29.360 I don't like that aspect of being in New York City. 71 00:03:29.479 --> 00:03:31.439 I don't like that I don't have a doorman. That 72 00:03:31.479 --> 00:03:33.360 feels like I didn't realize it was gonna be such 73 00:03:33.360 --> 00:03:35.439 a problem because I never lived here before. But what 74 00:03:35.479 --> 00:03:37.120 that means is if I'm not home to receive a 75 00:03:37.159 --> 00:03:39.080 package when the little bell rings, I don't get the 76 00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:41.360 package and it just goes back to the warehouse or 77 00:03:41.479 --> 00:03:44.039 like the shipping center, FedEx or ups. And it's like, 78 00:03:44.240 --> 00:03:46.800 that's fine if it was indeed just dry shampoo all 79 00:03:46.840 --> 00:03:48.599 the time, But what's getting shipped right now are like 80 00:03:48.639 --> 00:03:51.759 couches and shelves and shit like that. Also, I'm furious 81 00:03:51.840 --> 00:03:57.120 about these chairs. The rage that burns within me pretty significant. 82 00:03:57.400 --> 00:04:04.520 Not gonna lie. I was really excited about these chairs. Anyway, Listen, 83 00:04:04.680 --> 00:04:06.199 nothing matters. We're all gonna die at the end of 84 00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:07.639 the day. Am I really going to remember that I 85 00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:10.240 even had chairs that matched my walls in New York City. 86 00:04:10.280 --> 00:04:12.000 I'm really not. What I am going to remember about 87 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:16.240 New York City is what happened to me yesterday. I 88 00:04:16.240 --> 00:04:18.720 had to go to Ramoa. Oh the birds are backing, 89 00:04:18.720 --> 00:04:20.000 and I have to feed the birds. Are they're gonna 90 00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:22.800 get mad at me? In case you're wondering what codependent 91 00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:25.240 relationships have taken the place of the relationship that I 92 00:04:25.319 --> 00:04:27.959 was just in, the codependent relationship is the relationship I 93 00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:30.600 have made with the New York City birds. All right. 94 00:04:30.720 --> 00:04:32.759 When I was laying on my ear mattress when I 95 00:04:32.800 --> 00:04:36.519 first moved in, I was just a little like, did 96 00:04:36.560 --> 00:04:38.639 I make the right move? Did I is this the 97 00:04:38.720 --> 00:04:44.199 right call? And a cardinal landed on my fire escape, 98 00:04:44.199 --> 00:04:47.439 And I think cardinals are often spirit animals, like they 99 00:04:47.480 --> 00:04:50.680 come from you know. I think there's like some significant 100 00:04:50.680 --> 00:04:52.959 research on this. I don't think I'm the brainchild of this. 101 00:04:53.600 --> 00:04:55.959 Cardinals are are spirit animals. So I think maybe it 102 00:04:56.000 --> 00:04:58.560 was my mom or my grandma, are Big Eye or whoever, 103 00:04:58.720 --> 00:05:00.680 just reassuring me that I did the right thing. But 104 00:05:00.759 --> 00:05:02.160 I was like, oh my gosh, I should get a 105 00:05:02.160 --> 00:05:04.759 bird feeder, and then there's gonna be cardinals here all 106 00:05:04.759 --> 00:05:09.759 the time. Wrong. It's now I'm getting bullied by birds. 107 00:05:09.800 --> 00:05:12.040 I got a little bird feeder and there's these little 108 00:05:12.079 --> 00:05:16.160 shit birds. Little tousled. That's a word I've used before, 109 00:05:16.160 --> 00:05:17.720 and it's never been real, and it never will be, 110 00:05:17.759 --> 00:05:19.879 but I'm gonna continue to use it with they're tossled 111 00:05:19.879 --> 00:05:21.920 feathers like they've just got the shit kicked out of 112 00:05:21.959 --> 00:05:24.480 them on the subway. And they come and they stand 113 00:05:24.519 --> 00:05:26.600 on my fire escape and they yell at me until 114 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:29.079 I feed their little filled their little bird dish up. 115 00:05:29.319 --> 00:05:32.600 And the problem is the bird dish wouldn't keep getting destroyed. 116 00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:35.399 But now the puge holes have found out about it. 117 00:05:35.879 --> 00:05:38.800 And there's big old battye pigeons. And when I tell you, 118 00:05:38.879 --> 00:05:41.519 every bird that comes here looks like they just can't 119 00:05:41.639 --> 00:05:44.360 flew out of a homeless shelter. I mean it is 120 00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:47.680 the most rough and tumble looking birds there's been nothing 121 00:05:47.759 --> 00:05:51.560 even remotely resembling a cardinal. But I love them. I 122 00:05:51.600 --> 00:05:54.240 love them. I love these ugly little shitty birds. And 123 00:05:54.279 --> 00:05:56.879 you know what, I like the pigeons too. I like 124 00:05:57.040 --> 00:06:00.519 all birds. I have reached. I've reached the big olde 125 00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:03.480 of I love a bird. There is a there's a 126 00:06:03.560 --> 00:06:07.240 turning point in one's life when they start to appreciate birds, 127 00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:10.199 and I don't know what it is, you just get 128 00:06:10.240 --> 00:06:13.720 captivated by their majesty. And I remember, right after I 129 00:06:13.759 --> 00:06:16.279 got divorced, I was dating this guy. He was like 130 00:06:16.279 --> 00:06:17.759 a few years older than me, and he was so 131 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:19.839 into birds. He knew the name of every species. He 132 00:06:19.839 --> 00:06:23.560 would go bird watching. Wow a species and luxurious or 133 00:06:23.560 --> 00:06:26.040 words I cannot say today. He knew every species, he 134 00:06:26.040 --> 00:06:28.240 would go birdwatching, and I was like, this fucking dork. 135 00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:30.480 But he had a big old dong, so I was like, whatever, 136 00:06:30.519 --> 00:06:35.279 I don't give a fucking whatever. Dude, call me a 137 00:06:35.319 --> 00:06:38.040 cardinal and fuck me doggie style, like I do not care. 138 00:06:38.639 --> 00:06:41.480 But he was just like really into birds, and I 139 00:06:41.519 --> 00:06:43.560 was like, this guy's a fucking weirdo. And now I'm 140 00:06:43.600 --> 00:06:47.360 really into birds. And look a bird was outside just 141 00:06:47.439 --> 00:06:49.720 yelling at me, being like, where's the food, bitch? Because 142 00:06:49.800 --> 00:06:52.720 every day I fill up their little jar and little 143 00:06:52.759 --> 00:06:55.639 dish and every day it's gone by like four pm. 144 00:06:55.800 --> 00:06:56.560 It's kind of cool. 145 00:06:57.040 --> 00:06:58.959 I don't know. It's like a little ecosystem of shit 146 00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:03.279 birds outside of my my fire escape, outside of my window. 147 00:07:03.319 --> 00:07:05.920 I'm obsessed with my windows. I feel like I'm living 148 00:07:05.920 --> 00:07:09.160 in the trees. I'm on the third floor of the apartment, 149 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:14.000 so I'm exactly at tree top level, and I'm just 150 00:07:14.079 --> 00:07:17.040 obsessed with this place. I didn't even know if I 151 00:07:17.040 --> 00:07:20.800 would like New York. I love New York. I am obsessed. 152 00:07:21.040 --> 00:07:22.480 So anyway, I was telling you I was going to 153 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:26.879 Ramoa yesterday, which, by the way, what a scam. The 154 00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:29.680 scam of all scams is the Ramoa suitcase. They're like, 155 00:07:29.800 --> 00:07:32.240 it's the last piece of luggage you're ever gonna have 156 00:07:32.279 --> 00:07:36.000 to own because they claim to be unbreakable. I had 157 00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:38.160 mine for fucking six weeks and it broke. The wheel 158 00:07:38.279 --> 00:07:40.199 busted off it when I moved here, so when I 159 00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:43.079 was coming here with four suitcases and I never needed 160 00:07:43.079 --> 00:07:46.600 a wheel to move to work more, it broke. When 161 00:07:46.600 --> 00:07:50.399 I arrived at LaGuardia, the wheel on my Ramoa was broken. 162 00:07:50.439 --> 00:07:54.199 You know what wasn't broken My Samsonite, my swimmy Swammy 163 00:07:54.480 --> 00:07:58.560 Samsonite that I've had forever, which is just like an 164 00:07:58.680 --> 00:08:01.959 eighty dollars suitcase that is the highest quality suitcase I've 165 00:08:02.000 --> 00:08:03.959 ever had, and I could pack a dead body in 166 00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:06.959 that bitch. And my toomy that I've had forever. My 167 00:08:07.040 --> 00:08:09.680 toomy looks like it went to war. It is lime green, 168 00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:14.800 It has more sticker go on it than a fucking 169 00:08:14.920 --> 00:08:16.800 one of my trapper keepers in middle school. 170 00:08:17.360 --> 00:08:20.240 It looks like shit, but it is a great suitcase. 171 00:08:20.319 --> 00:08:25.680 This Ramoa. We fucking pop our pussy for this luxury suitcase. 172 00:08:25.720 --> 00:08:28.160 It breaks in six weeks and then I have to 173 00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:30.600 with a broken wheel, I can't wheel it across town. 174 00:08:30.680 --> 00:08:33.080 I now have to get an Uber to go to Ramoa, 175 00:08:33.240 --> 00:08:35.960 which is a fifty by the way, Uber's here the 176 00:08:36.120 --> 00:08:41.200 price couching in this city. I I'm ready to call 177 00:08:41.240 --> 00:08:43.440 the cops. Like it's fifty dollars to go anywhere in 178 00:08:43.480 --> 00:08:47.080 an Uber. The subway system is fine. I'm figuring it out, 179 00:08:47.080 --> 00:08:49.080 but I'm not like so comfortable that I'm like, I'm 180 00:08:49.080 --> 00:08:52.559 gonna take my Romoa to Soho. I'm not like there 181 00:08:52.679 --> 00:08:56.240 yet emotionally, mostly because I don't want to bother people 182 00:08:56.240 --> 00:08:59.240 by having a suitcase on a train, even though I 183 00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:01.159 know people have suit on the train. I just like, 184 00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:03.279 I don't know. I'm self conscious about like getting in 185 00:09:03.320 --> 00:09:05.240 people's way, and like New Yorkers are so intense, I 186 00:09:05.240 --> 00:09:07.480 don't want them to get mad at me. Anyway, whatever, 187 00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:09.960 long story, long as fuck. I go to Ramoa drop 188 00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:11.639 it off. They're like, oh, this is a brand new bag. 189 00:09:11.639 --> 00:09:12.919 We don't know how it broke. And I'm like, yeah, 190 00:09:13.360 --> 00:09:16.840 gee gee me neither. They're like, are you going anywhere soon? 191 00:09:16.879 --> 00:09:18.440 And I was like, yeah, I'm going to France on Friday, 192 00:09:18.440 --> 00:09:20.120 which I'll tell you guys that about that later. That 193 00:09:20.200 --> 00:09:22.679 was like a last minute decision I made. I'm being like, 194 00:09:23.440 --> 00:09:25.559 borderline insane. I don't know if I'm having a spiritual 195 00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:27.960 awakening or a manic episode, but either way, it's none 196 00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:30.559 of my business. I'm going to Santra pe Bach. Mama's 197 00:09:30.600 --> 00:09:33.320 getting a spray tand she's thrown a Bikinian and she's 198 00:09:33.360 --> 00:09:35.759 gonna go shake her ass at Nikki Beach, all right, 199 00:09:35.879 --> 00:09:41.200 Because I think the keyre for anything is France. Always, 200 00:09:41.279 --> 00:09:45.519 It's always France. France is just a nurturing place for 201 00:09:45.600 --> 00:09:48.440 my soul. Anytime I'm going through anything, I run away. 202 00:09:48.480 --> 00:09:51.320 I usually run away to Paris. I'm only spending two 203 00:09:51.399 --> 00:09:53.759 days in Paris. We're gonna go to Nice, as I've 204 00:09:53.759 --> 00:09:57.480 been calling it nice, very nice. My friends don't love 205 00:09:57.519 --> 00:09:59.879 that we're gonna go to Nice. We're gonna go to Santralpe. 206 00:10:00.120 --> 00:10:02.399 We're gonna go to z and then we're gonna go 207 00:10:02.399 --> 00:10:05.639 to Paris. And that's that anyway. So I dropped the 208 00:10:05.639 --> 00:10:07.519 suitcase off at Remo. I don't worry you, guys. I'm 209 00:10:07.519 --> 00:10:09.080 not losing my train of thought. 210 00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:10.919 I was like, I'm gonna walk back. 211 00:10:11.000 --> 00:10:13.759 It's been beautiful in New York the last couple of days. 212 00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:17.120 It is. The weather is perfect. It's like seventy five, 213 00:10:17.200 --> 00:10:20.320 seventy six, sunny, little breeze, perfect, perfect, perfect. So I 214 00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:23.799 get my little decaf lante. Mama loves a decaf latte, which, 215 00:10:23.799 --> 00:10:26.480 by the way, I watched her pour the lante. I've 216 00:10:26.519 --> 00:10:29.039 never watched anyone poor a latte before. And this is 217 00:10:29.080 --> 00:10:30.919 gonna let you know how stupid I can be. And 218 00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:33.600 I will admit to that. It's a latte is pretty 219 00:10:33.639 --> 00:10:35.759 much a cup of milk? Did we know this? Did 220 00:10:35.759 --> 00:10:39.360 everyone know that? We were just drinking milk? Like I 221 00:10:39.480 --> 00:10:42.559 clown my dad because he drinks out of the container 222 00:10:42.679 --> 00:10:44.440 like Vitamin D milk every morning. 223 00:10:44.480 --> 00:10:47.080 I'm like disgusting, but that's low key. 224 00:10:46.919 --> 00:10:48.240 What I've been doing. I watched her make it and 225 00:10:48.240 --> 00:10:49.679 it was just like all milk, and I was like, wait, 226 00:10:49.679 --> 00:10:51.480 wait wait, wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait, where's 227 00:10:51.519 --> 00:10:54.639 the other stuff. She's like, it's literally one shot of espresso. 228 00:10:54.720 --> 00:10:58.200 And I was like, oh not me, just drinking whole 229 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:01.519 fat milk all these mornings, thinking I'm doing something. And 230 00:11:01.600 --> 00:11:03.320 here's the thing about me, I'm such an addict, right, 231 00:11:03.320 --> 00:11:05.159 I need like the plissy bo effect. I need to 232 00:11:05.240 --> 00:11:07.679 feel alive. I need to just feel like I'm a 233 00:11:07.720 --> 00:11:10.679 part of something. Like the ritual to me is so important, 234 00:11:10.840 --> 00:11:14.039 which is why I quit drinking caffeine a while ago. 235 00:11:15.399 --> 00:11:17.200 But I still love the ritual, like I still have 236 00:11:17.279 --> 00:11:19.399 my little coffee maker in my apartment. I wake up, 237 00:11:19.399 --> 00:11:22.639 I make myself a decaf a lot dae. My lattes 238 00:11:22.639 --> 00:11:24.519 are much different than the store bought ones. I do 239 00:11:24.600 --> 00:11:28.159 like two shots of espresso and then whipped milk, and 240 00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:31.320 it's more of like a half and half situation foamed milk. 241 00:11:32.240 --> 00:11:34.120 And that's you know, now that I say it out loud, 242 00:11:35.519 --> 00:11:38.039 that's not a lot day. That's something else. I don't 243 00:11:38.039 --> 00:11:40.000 know what it is. Again, none of my business. Nothing 244 00:11:40.039 --> 00:11:42.480 I do is any of my business. I'm just doing it. 245 00:11:44.360 --> 00:11:44.799 Anyway. 246 00:11:44.840 --> 00:11:46.840 You guys are like, she's gonna forget the point she's 247 00:11:46.919 --> 00:11:47.799 not gonna get there. 248 00:11:48.320 --> 00:11:49.840 Don't worry. I'm getting there. 249 00:11:53.320 --> 00:11:55.960 So I'm walking back and I'm feeling myself. I have 250 00:11:56.000 --> 00:11:59.679 this cute little outfit on right, this butter colored cream 251 00:11:59.759 --> 00:12:03.879 bagt a vest A real lesbian choice of mine, A 252 00:12:03.960 --> 00:12:06.799 real don't fuck with me men choice of mine. I 253 00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:10.320 was like, strap my tits down like they are right now, 254 00:12:10.320 --> 00:12:13.639 and a sports bra, duct tape my tits down, put 255 00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:17.799 a little lesbian vest on, and go for a stroll 256 00:12:17.960 --> 00:12:20.840 in jorts and a vest I mean, did it look 257 00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:23.519 cute when it was together? It did, but it didn't 258 00:12:23.559 --> 00:12:26.159 look like I played for the team that would take Dick. 259 00:12:26.279 --> 00:12:28.960 I'll be honest. I was like the cutest little lesbian 260 00:12:29.000 --> 00:12:32.320 in fucking soho. I was living my best life. And 261 00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:36.000 then one of the hottest men I've ever seen in 262 00:12:36.039 --> 00:12:39.720 my entire life walks by me, and I was like, 263 00:12:39.759 --> 00:12:43.840 certainly he's gonna just pretend I'm dead or not acknowledge me. 264 00:12:44.320 --> 00:12:47.279 And he's on a phone call and he turns his 265 00:12:47.399 --> 00:12:51.360 head to say in my ear good morning, and I 266 00:12:51.440 --> 00:12:55.720 was like, oh, Hi, but he's walking this way. I'm 267 00:12:55.759 --> 00:12:58.240 walking that way, and so I was like, Oh, that's 268 00:12:58.279 --> 00:13:01.320 just gonna be like oh, a cute, cute little passing. Right, 269 00:13:02.000 --> 00:13:04.279 I turn around. I do a double take, which I 270 00:13:04.679 --> 00:13:06.879 it's been a long time since mama's done a double take. 271 00:13:06.960 --> 00:13:11.279 Like someone's got to be really fucking hot. And he 272 00:13:11.399 --> 00:13:13.639 was doing a double take at the same time, and 273 00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:16.240 he was like, let me call you back, hangs up 274 00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:19.960 his phone call and is like, good morning. He has 275 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:22.960 the most New York accent of all time. He's tall, 276 00:13:23.080 --> 00:13:29.320 he's handsome, he has dark hair, piercing blue eyes, just Stonin, 277 00:13:30.320 --> 00:13:35.519 just a Stonin man. And I'm like, I love New 278 00:13:35.600 --> 00:13:37.679 York City. And he said, I'm going to get a haircut. 279 00:13:38.759 --> 00:13:40.759 After I get a haircut, do you want to grab food? 280 00:13:41.240 --> 00:13:43.960 And I was like, I'm really busy today, and I am, 281 00:13:44.200 --> 00:13:46.519 I was really busy. He's like, I'm really busy today. 282 00:13:46.559 --> 00:13:48.759 I'm really busy the next few days and then I 283 00:13:48.879 --> 00:13:52.679 leave for France and he was like all right, well, 284 00:13:53.960 --> 00:13:55.679 He's like, let me get your phone number. I give 285 00:13:55.759 --> 00:13:58.000 him my phone number and he's like, are you sure 286 00:13:58.039 --> 00:14:00.279 you don't have time for a slice, Like I'll just 287 00:14:00.279 --> 00:14:02.240 just a quick slice. And I was like, I'm slammed. 288 00:14:02.279 --> 00:14:03.759 He's like, but I want you to be slammed with 289 00:14:03.799 --> 00:14:07.519 something else, and I was like, oh, not this man 290 00:14:07.559 --> 00:14:11.000 trying to seal the deal in under forty five minutes. 291 00:14:11.039 --> 00:14:14.559 It was a level of testosterone and masculinity I haven't 292 00:14:14.639 --> 00:14:18.600 encountered in so long because I lived in La the 293 00:14:18.679 --> 00:14:22.080 land of the Soy boys, the land of the is 294 00:14:22.120 --> 00:14:25.320 he gay or is he gay? Because he's fucking gay? 295 00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:28.240 Like that is what I'm used to. Men being more 296 00:14:28.320 --> 00:14:32.080 obsessed with themselves than with women not shooting their shot. 297 00:14:32.720 --> 00:14:36.919 Like this city is filled with testosterone and it feels 298 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:40.519 dangerous and exciting all at the same time. And now 299 00:14:40.639 --> 00:14:43.919 I just you know, I didn't I didn't have sex 300 00:14:43.960 --> 00:14:45.919 with him because I was like, that's not appropriate behavior. 301 00:14:45.960 --> 00:14:49.120 That's not something that someone's on a healing journey would do. 302 00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:51.919 It feels like a hard detour from a healing journey. 303 00:14:51.960 --> 00:14:54.600 And I will tell you that that much is that 304 00:14:56.240 --> 00:14:58.480 I'm just not ready and I don't want to, so 305 00:14:58.759 --> 00:15:02.759 I'm not going to. I will be ready soon. I 306 00:15:02.799 --> 00:15:04.799 was actually talking to THEO about this because I went 307 00:15:04.799 --> 00:15:06.480 down to Nashville, which I'm gonna tell you more about 308 00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:09.159 this in the Patreon because some of it's tea. But 309 00:15:09.200 --> 00:15:12.720 I went down to Nashville and there was this guy 310 00:15:12.759 --> 00:15:15.840 that was hitting on me down there, and you know, 311 00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:17.919 he's really cool and he's a friend of Theo's. And 312 00:15:19.279 --> 00:15:20.879 I was like, I don't think so, Like my heart 313 00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:23.320 is still broken, you know, I need to like heal 314 00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:25.440 a little more. And he was like, well, don't take 315 00:15:25.480 --> 00:15:28.200 the rest of your life healing, honey, And that was 316 00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:33.279 such good advice, because I really it's such a different 317 00:15:33.320 --> 00:15:36.080 experience having to heal from a relationship that ended that 318 00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:39.320 had truly nothing to do with you. Like, I don't 319 00:15:39.360 --> 00:15:41.759 think there's a ton of like I need to like reflect, 320 00:15:41.840 --> 00:15:43.679 and like, here's the thing I do need to reflect 321 00:15:43.679 --> 00:15:48.159 and understand why I why I attracted someone like that, 322 00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:55.879 Why I allowed someone like that to I don't want 323 00:15:55.919 --> 00:15:58.120 to say, I don't want to say anything negative about 324 00:15:58.399 --> 00:16:02.519 the relationship, because it happened for a reason and I 325 00:16:02.559 --> 00:16:04.360 know that. But like, the only thing I really need 326 00:16:04.399 --> 00:16:08.120 to look at is like why did I Why did 327 00:16:08.120 --> 00:16:11.919 my body tell me so clearly that that was not 328 00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:14.879 a match and I ignored it and I went full 329 00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:17.919 steam ahead, And why did I do? I think that's 330 00:16:17.960 --> 00:16:21.639 the healing I need to do. It's more why did 331 00:16:21.679 --> 00:16:24.159 I ignore my body? Why did I ignore my gut? 332 00:16:24.279 --> 00:16:30.639 Why did I ignore them? Many times he so clearly 333 00:16:30.720 --> 00:16:32.720 let me know that was he was not my person, 334 00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:36.039 and I let him convince me that he was. That's all. 335 00:16:36.159 --> 00:16:38.159 I don't think there's like a ton of like, oh, 336 00:16:38.200 --> 00:16:41.240 I'm like some broken, shattered, fucking piece of shit person, 337 00:16:41.399 --> 00:16:45.919 Like I don't have like such a heavy heart anymore. Honestly, 338 00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:50.559 I feel pretty good about everything. I feel at peace 339 00:16:50.600 --> 00:16:52.960 with everything. I feel like it all happens for a reason. 340 00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:57.440 Everything happens for a reason. And unfortunately, I think the 341 00:16:57.519 --> 00:16:59.759 reason is going to be like some of the best 342 00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:04.440 common you've ever written in my life. Unfortunately, it's just 343 00:17:04.680 --> 00:17:08.400 really gonna be a banger of an hour. But I 344 00:17:08.519 --> 00:17:12.200 just really needed and appreciated that advice of don't spend 345 00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:15.640 too much time healing. It's like, you don't want to 346 00:17:16.079 --> 00:17:18.160 keep yourself in the misery and the pity and the 347 00:17:18.200 --> 00:17:22.960 sadness of a breakup when ultimately in the relationship you 348 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:26.400 didn't do anything wrong, you know. And I think there's 349 00:17:26.480 --> 00:17:31.559 different lengths of time and healing for people in different 350 00:17:31.759 --> 00:17:33.839 levels of relationships. And I would call that a level 351 00:17:33.880 --> 00:17:36.559 one relationship. I mean, I thought it was a level ten. 352 00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:38.559 I for sure thought it was a level ten, but 353 00:17:38.599 --> 00:17:40.480 I think it was a level one. I think for 354 00:17:40.519 --> 00:17:44.039 whatever reason, I got twisted upside down and backwards, and 355 00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:47.440 I thought it was a much more impactful and meaningful 356 00:17:47.480 --> 00:17:49.680 relationship than it ever was. And I think it was 357 00:17:49.759 --> 00:17:52.400 just there for a brief period of time to teach 358 00:17:52.440 --> 00:17:54.519 me something. And I think I learned the lessons. And 359 00:17:55.000 --> 00:17:56.440 you know, one of the big ones is like do 360 00:17:56.480 --> 00:17:58.519 I love myself enough to walk away? And the answer 361 00:17:58.559 --> 00:18:02.319 is yes, and so so it's exciting to me because 362 00:18:02.519 --> 00:18:08.640 I feel emotionally open to dating, which is like a 363 00:18:08.680 --> 00:18:11.720 good place to be in. Am I downloading the apps? No? 364 00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:17.119 Am I running? Am I running to that guy's house 365 00:18:17.160 --> 00:18:19.279 to fuck him after meeting him on the street. No, 366 00:18:19.440 --> 00:18:23.240 I'm not doing insane things. I'm not actively trying to 367 00:18:23.279 --> 00:18:28.079 get my feelings hurt again. What I'm doing is going 368 00:18:28.119 --> 00:18:30.720 to Sentrope. I'm just gonna go to the south of 369 00:18:30.759 --> 00:18:33.880 France and shake my ass, babe. And I think, you 370 00:18:33.920 --> 00:18:43.559 know what, in its own sense, that is healing And. 371 00:18:40.640 --> 00:18:42.119 Is it a good financial decision. 372 00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:45.720 That's a different conversation completely in one I don't really 373 00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:48.599 want to have with you guys, because I did notice 374 00:18:48.599 --> 00:18:50.920 someone commented they're like, how do you afford two reds 375 00:18:51.400 --> 00:18:53.839 and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And 376 00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:58.240 someone said plastic surgery too. I don't. I don't. I 377 00:18:58.279 --> 00:19:00.559 haven't had plastic surgery. I've had injections out the ass 378 00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:02.680 and lasers and shit, but I've never had plastic surgery. 379 00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:05.799 Not yet. I mean, I'm up into it. But someone 380 00:19:05.839 --> 00:19:07.799 was like, how do you afford all this in Trump's economy? 381 00:19:07.799 --> 00:19:11.319 And girlfriend, I don't, Bestie, let me sit you down 382 00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:15.839 and tell you a secret right now. I fucking don't don't. 383 00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:18.559 I don't know anyone who is. I'm so fucking lucky 384 00:19:18.599 --> 00:19:21.880 that I had a really big, fat career in advertising 385 00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:24.519 before I got into comedy because I was able to 386 00:19:24.559 --> 00:19:27.319 save money. And let me tell you, I have decimated 387 00:19:27.359 --> 00:19:32.359 my savings. It is in Smitherines in Palm Beach. My 388 00:19:32.440 --> 00:19:35.559 savings account is in smytherings in Palm Beach. I'll tell 389 00:19:35.599 --> 00:19:38.119 you what. I have spent more money this year than 390 00:19:38.119 --> 00:19:43.279 I'm comfortable with admitting, between Biggie's end of life surgeries 391 00:19:43.920 --> 00:19:47.880 and moving twice and getting no support financially from the 392 00:19:47.920 --> 00:19:51.559 fucking loser bitch I was dating. I mean I just 393 00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:56.000 I'm hanging on by a fucking thread right now. But 394 00:19:56.039 --> 00:19:58.200 here's the thing. I have faith. I have a ton 395 00:19:58.240 --> 00:20:00.279 of faith that something amazing is gonna happen. I keep 396 00:20:00.319 --> 00:20:02.160 waking up every day and I'm like, something amazing it's 397 00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:05.160 gonna happen. And I'm not even trying to brainwash myself. 398 00:20:05.200 --> 00:20:07.599 I really actually believe that. You guys know me. You know, 399 00:20:07.680 --> 00:20:12.279 I'm not like misoptimistic, you know. You know I'm not 400 00:20:13.400 --> 00:20:16.240 the bubbliest bitch in the bunch. But I just have 401 00:20:16.559 --> 00:20:20.799