Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back to talking Schmidt Bestie's how
Speaker 1: are you today? I'll go first. I'm just had a
Speaker 1: mental breakdown because these chairs that I got for the
Speaker 1: pod area in my apartment are the same color as
Speaker 1: the wall, and I cannot fathom a world where I
Speaker 1: return them. I can't imagine carrying them down three flights
Speaker 1: of stairs to God knows where to return them to
Speaker 1: God knows who. And now I just have an apartment
Speaker 1: that's monochrome. I look like I'm living in a brick
Speaker 1: and I'm sitting on a brick and I'm just becoming
Speaker 1: a brick. My pants are brick colored. Everything is brick colored,
Speaker 1: except for my tears. If you notice, I have under
Speaker 1: eye patches on now because I was just crying. No,
Speaker 1: I wasn't crying, but I was very upset because I
Speaker 1: tried to shoot this and take one. Was me realizing
Speaker 1: that it looks like I'm floating and my chair is
Speaker 1: the same color as my wall. And that's a colossal
Speaker 1: fuck up. And I'm depressed about it because I was
Speaker 1: excited about these chairs because they're these like luxurious, luxurious,
Speaker 1: What the fuck is that word? Why can't I say it? Today?
Speaker 1: That sounds like word solid, luxurious orange color, like a
Speaker 1: burnt orange color that's so beautiful. But guess what, My
Speaker 1: floors are burned orange and so are my walls. So
Speaker 1: I am just living in a burnt orange ball. I'm
Speaker 1: the burnt orange ball man. Anyway, besties, hope your Monday
Speaker 1: is off to a better start than mine. All things considered,
Speaker 1: I'm doing great. I really am. I love New York City.
Speaker 1: Can we talk about New York City?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: Also, before we start talking about how much I love
Speaker 1: New York City, let's talk about the fact I just
Speaker 1: booked some dates in Phoenix. I'm gonna be in Phoenix,
Speaker 1: Arizona at Stand Up Live on July eighteenth and nineteenth.
Speaker 2: I'm doing a quick little.
Speaker 1: Weekend if you guys want to come see my new hour.
Speaker 1: I'm having so much fun with it. I am a
Speaker 1: viscerating the situation I was just in, and that is
Speaker 1: the thing I just want you guys all to know.
Speaker 1: I want you to know. And while it looks like
Speaker 1: I am recording from inside of a box under a bridge,
Speaker 1: I have words of wisdom for you, which is that
Speaker 1: you can heart a comedian in life.
Speaker 2: You can.
Speaker 1: But I wouldn't. I just wouldn't, uh, because we are
Speaker 1: going to get the last laugh. And that's what we're
Speaker 1: gonna do in Phoenix is get the last laugh. So
Speaker 1: if you guys want to come hang out, go to
Speaker 1: my website Brittain Schmidt dot com and get your tickets
Speaker 1: to come see me. I have three shows the on
Speaker 1: the eighteenth and nineteenth. I think there's two shows the eighteenth,
Speaker 1: one on the nineteenth. Who knows none of my business.
Speaker 1: My schedule is never any of my business, you guys.
Speaker 1: I one time was at a show and I started
Speaker 1: crowdworking about Texas and I was like, oh, Texas. It's
Speaker 1: really just fucking strange here, isn't it. You guys, dud
Speaker 1: da da da da about Texas? Whatever the fuck I
Speaker 1: was saying. And everyone was looking at me with blank
Speaker 1: stairs and I was like, what is going on here?
Speaker 1: And they're like, you are in Oklahoma City. Oh, and
Speaker 1: I got a delivery one second. That delivery system is
Speaker 1: going to be the death of me. In case you
Speaker 1: guys care. They Amazon comes by the way all hours
Speaker 1: of the night. They come at three am, four am
Speaker 1: and they ring that bell and I'm just like.
Speaker 2: I don't need my dry shampoo. That bad.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'll have another day of greasy hair. Like read
Speaker 1: the room, the room is asleep, Let me sleep, let
Speaker 1: me rest. And it's such a startling sound. Right every
Speaker 1: time I hear it, my cortisol spikes. I just don't.
Speaker 1: I don't like that aspect of being in New York City.
Speaker 1: I don't like that I don't have a doorman. That
Speaker 1: feels like I didn't realize it was gonna be such
Speaker 1: a problem because I never lived here before. But what
Speaker 1: that means is if I'm not home to receive a
Speaker 1: package when the little bell rings, I don't get the
Speaker 1: package and it just goes back to the warehouse or
Speaker 1: like the shipping center, FedEx or ups. And it's like,
Speaker 1: that's fine if it was indeed just dry shampoo all
Speaker 1: the time, But what's getting shipped right now are like
Speaker 1: couches and shelves and shit like that. Also, I'm furious
Speaker 1: about these chairs. The rage that burns within me pretty significant.
Speaker 1: Not gonna lie. I was really excited about these chairs. Anyway, Listen,
Speaker 1: nothing matters. We're all gonna die at the end of
Speaker 1: the day. Am I really going to remember that I
Speaker 1: even had chairs that matched my walls in New York City.
Speaker 1: I'm really not. What I am going to remember about
Speaker 1: New York City is what happened to me yesterday. I
Speaker 1: had to go to Ramoa. Oh the birds are backing,
Speaker 1: and I have to feed the birds. Are they're gonna
Speaker 1: get mad at me? In case you're wondering what codependent
Speaker 1: relationships have taken the place of the relationship that I
Speaker 1: was just in, the codependent relationship is the relationship I
Speaker 1: have made with the New York City birds. All right.
Speaker 1: When I was laying on my ear mattress when I
Speaker 1: first moved in, I was just a little like, did
Speaker 1: I make the right move? Did I is this the
Speaker 1: right call? And a cardinal landed on my fire escape,
Speaker 1: And I think cardinals are often spirit animals, like they
Speaker 1: come from you know. I think there's like some significant
Speaker 1: research on this. I don't think I'm the brainchild of this.
Speaker 1: Cardinals are are spirit animals. So I think maybe it
Speaker 1: was my mom or my grandma, are Big Eye or whoever,
Speaker 1: just reassuring me that I did the right thing. But
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, I should get a
Speaker 1: bird feeder, and then there's gonna be cardinals here all
Speaker 1: the time. Wrong. It's now I'm getting bullied by birds.
Speaker 1: I got a little bird feeder and there's these little
Speaker 1: shit birds. Little tousled. That's a word I've used before,
Speaker 1: and it's never been real, and it never will be,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna continue to use it with they're tossled
Speaker 1: feathers like they've just got the shit kicked out of
Speaker 1: them on the subway. And they come and they stand
Speaker 1: on my fire escape and they yell at me until
Speaker 1: I feed their little filled their little bird dish up.
Speaker 1: And the problem is the bird dish wouldn't keep getting destroyed.
Speaker 1: But now the puge holes have found out about it.
Speaker 1: And there's big old battye pigeons. And when I tell you,
Speaker 1: every bird that comes here looks like they just can't
Speaker 1: flew out of a homeless shelter. I mean it is
Speaker 1: the most rough and tumble looking birds there's been nothing
Speaker 1: even remotely resembling a cardinal. But I love them. I
Speaker 1: love them. I love these ugly little shitty birds. And
Speaker 1: you know what, I like the pigeons too. I like
Speaker 1: all birds. I have reached. I've reached the big olde
Speaker 1: of I love a bird. There is a there's a
Speaker 1: turning point in one's life when they start to appreciate birds,
Speaker 1: and I don't know what it is, you just get
Speaker 1: captivated by their majesty. And I remember, right after I
Speaker 1: got divorced, I was dating this guy. He was like
Speaker 1: a few years older than me, and he was so
Speaker 1: into birds. He knew the name of every species. He
Speaker 1: would go bird watching. Wow a species and luxurious or
Speaker 1: words I cannot say today. He knew every species, he
Speaker 1: would go birdwatching, and I was like, this fucking dork.
Speaker 1: But he had a big old dong, so I was like, whatever,
Speaker 1: I don't give a fucking whatever. Dude, call me a
Speaker 1: cardinal and fuck me doggie style, like I do not care.
Speaker 1: But he was just like really into birds, and I
Speaker 1: was like, this guy's a fucking weirdo. And now I'm
Speaker 1: really into birds. And look a bird was outside just
Speaker 1: yelling at me, being like, where's the food, bitch? Because
Speaker 1: every day I fill up their little jar and little
Speaker 1: dish and every day it's gone by like four pm.
Speaker 2: It's kind of cool.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's like a little ecosystem of shit
Speaker 1: birds outside of my my fire escape, outside of my window.
Speaker 1: I'm obsessed with my windows. I feel like I'm living
Speaker 1: in the trees. I'm on the third floor of the apartment,
Speaker 1: so I'm exactly at tree top level, and I'm just
Speaker 1: obsessed with this place. I didn't even know if I
Speaker 1: would like New York. I love New York. I am obsessed.
Speaker 1: So anyway, I was telling you I was going to
Speaker 1: Ramoa yesterday, which, by the way, what a scam. The
Speaker 1: scam of all scams is the Ramoa suitcase. They're like,
Speaker 1: it's the last piece of luggage you're ever gonna have
Speaker 1: to own because they claim to be unbreakable. I had
Speaker 1: mine for fucking six weeks and it broke. The wheel
Speaker 1: busted off it when I moved here, so when I
Speaker 1: was coming here with four suitcases and I never needed
Speaker 1: a wheel to move to work more, it broke. When
Speaker 1: I arrived at LaGuardia, the wheel on my Ramoa was broken.
Speaker 1: You know what wasn't broken My Samsonite, my swimmy Swammy
Speaker 1: Samsonite that I've had forever, which is just like an
Speaker 1: eighty dollars suitcase that is the highest quality suitcase I've
Speaker 1: ever had, and I could pack a dead body in
Speaker 1: that bitch. And my toomy that I've had forever. My
Speaker 1: toomy looks like it went to war. It is lime green,
Speaker 1: It has more sticker go on it than a fucking
Speaker 1: one of my trapper keepers in middle school.
Speaker 2: It looks like shit, but it is a great suitcase.
Speaker 1: This Ramoa. We fucking pop our pussy for this luxury suitcase.
Speaker 1: It breaks in six weeks and then I have to
Speaker 1: with a broken wheel, I can't wheel it across town.
Speaker 1: I now have to get an Uber to go to Ramoa,
Speaker 1: which is a fifty by the way, Uber's here the
Speaker 1: price couching in this city. I I'm ready to call
Speaker 1: the cops. Like it's fifty dollars to go anywhere in
Speaker 1: an Uber. The subway system is fine. I'm figuring it out,
Speaker 1: but I'm not like so comfortable that I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna take my Romoa to Soho. I'm not like there
Speaker 1: yet emotionally, mostly because I don't want to bother people
Speaker 1: by having a suitcase on a train, even though I
Speaker 1: know people have suit on the train. I just like,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm self conscious about like getting in
Speaker 1: people's way, and like New Yorkers are so intense, I
Speaker 1: don't want them to get mad at me. Anyway, whatever,
Speaker 1: long story, long as fuck. I go to Ramoa drop
Speaker 1: it off. They're like, oh, this is a brand new bag.
Speaker 1: We don't know how it broke. And I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: gee gee me neither. They're like, are you going anywhere soon?
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, I'm going to France on Friday,
Speaker 1: which I'll tell you guys that about that later. That
Speaker 1: was like a last minute decision I made. I'm being like,
Speaker 1: borderline insane. I don't know if I'm having a spiritual
Speaker 1: awakening or a manic episode, but either way, it's none
Speaker 1: of my business. I'm going to Santra pe Bach. Mama's
Speaker 1: getting a spray tand she's thrown a Bikinian and she's
Speaker 1: gonna go shake her ass at Nikki Beach, all right,
Speaker 1: Because I think the keyre for anything is France. Always,
Speaker 1: It's always France. France is just a nurturing place for
Speaker 1: my soul. Anytime I'm going through anything, I run away.
Speaker 1: I usually run away to Paris. I'm only spending two
Speaker 1: days in Paris. We're gonna go to Nice, as I've
Speaker 1: been calling it nice, very nice. My friends don't love
Speaker 1: that we're gonna go to Nice. We're gonna go to Santralpe.
Speaker 1: We're gonna go to z and then we're gonna go
Speaker 1: to Paris. And that's that anyway. So I dropped the
Speaker 1: suitcase off at Remo. I don't worry you, guys. I'm
Speaker 1: not losing my train of thought.
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm gonna walk back.
Speaker 1: It's been beautiful in New York the last couple of days.
Speaker 1: It is. The weather is perfect. It's like seventy five,
Speaker 1: seventy six, sunny, little breeze, perfect, perfect, perfect. So I
Speaker 1: get my little decaf lante. Mama loves a decaf latte, which,
Speaker 1: by the way, I watched her pour the lante. I've
Speaker 1: never watched anyone poor a latte before. And this is
Speaker 1: gonna let you know how stupid I can be. And
Speaker 1: I will admit to that. It's a latte is pretty
Speaker 1: much a cup of milk? Did we know this? Did
Speaker 1: everyone know that? We were just drinking milk? Like I
Speaker 1: clown my dad because he drinks out of the container
Speaker 1: like Vitamin D milk every morning.
Speaker 2: I'm like disgusting, but that's low key.
Speaker 1: What I've been doing. I watched her make it and
Speaker 1: it was just like all milk, and I was like, wait,
Speaker 1: wait wait, wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait, where's
Speaker 1: the other stuff. She's like, it's literally one shot of espresso.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh not me, just drinking whole
Speaker 1: fat milk all these mornings, thinking I'm doing something. And
Speaker 1: here's the thing about me, I'm such an addict, right,
Speaker 1: I need like the plissy bo effect. I need to
Speaker 1: feel alive. I need to just feel like I'm a
Speaker 1: part of something. Like the ritual to me is so important,
Speaker 1: which is why I quit drinking caffeine a while ago.
Speaker 1: But I still love the ritual, like I still have
Speaker 1: my little coffee maker in my apartment. I wake up,
Speaker 1: I make myself a decaf a lot dae. My lattes
Speaker 1: are much different than the store bought ones. I do
Speaker 1: like two shots of espresso and then whipped milk, and
Speaker 1: it's more of like a half and half situation foamed milk.
Speaker 1: And that's you know, now that I say it out loud,
Speaker 1: that's not a lot day. That's something else. I don't
Speaker 1: know what it is. Again, none of my business. Nothing
Speaker 1: I do is any of my business. I'm just doing it.
Speaker 2: Anyway.
Speaker 1: You guys are like, she's gonna forget the point she's
Speaker 1: not gonna get there.
Speaker 2: Don't worry. I'm getting there.
Speaker 1: So I'm walking back and I'm feeling myself. I have
Speaker 1: this cute little outfit on right, this butter colored cream
Speaker 1: bagt a vest A real lesbian choice of mine, A
Speaker 1: real don't fuck with me men choice of mine. I
Speaker 1: was like, strap my tits down like they are right now,
Speaker 1: and a sports bra, duct tape my tits down, put
Speaker 1: a little lesbian vest on, and go for a stroll
Speaker 1: in jorts and a vest I mean, did it look
Speaker 1: cute when it was together? It did, but it didn't
Speaker 1: look like I played for the team that would take Dick.
Speaker 1: I'll be honest. I was like the cutest little lesbian
Speaker 1: in fucking soho. I was living my best life. And
Speaker 1: then one of the hottest men I've ever seen in
Speaker 1: my entire life walks by me, and I was like,
Speaker 1: certainly he's gonna just pretend I'm dead or not acknowledge me.
Speaker 1: And he's on a phone call and he turns his
Speaker 1: head to say in my ear good morning, and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, Hi, but he's walking this way. I'm
Speaker 1: walking that way, and so I was like, Oh, that's
Speaker 1: just gonna be like oh, a cute, cute little passing. Right,
Speaker 1: I turn around. I do a double take, which I
Speaker 1: it's been a long time since mama's done a double take.
Speaker 1: Like someone's got to be really fucking hot. And he
Speaker 1: was doing a double take at the same time, and
Speaker 1: he was like, let me call you back, hangs up
Speaker 1: his phone call and is like, good morning. He has
Speaker 1: the most New York accent of all time. He's tall,
Speaker 1: he's handsome, he has dark hair, piercing blue eyes, just Stonin,
Speaker 1: just a Stonin man. And I'm like, I love New
Speaker 1: York City. And he said, I'm going to get a haircut.
Speaker 1: After I get a haircut, do you want to grab food?
Speaker 1: And I was like, I'm really busy today, and I am,
Speaker 1: I was really busy. He's like, I'm really busy today.
Speaker 1: I'm really busy the next few days and then I
Speaker 1: leave for France and he was like all right, well,
Speaker 1: He's like, let me get your phone number. I give
Speaker 1: him my phone number and he's like, are you sure
Speaker 1: you don't have time for a slice, Like I'll just
Speaker 1: just a quick slice. And I was like, I'm slammed.
Speaker 1: He's like, but I want you to be slammed with
Speaker 1: something else, and I was like, oh, not this man
Speaker 1: trying to seal the deal in under forty five minutes.
Speaker 1: It was a level of testosterone and masculinity I haven't
Speaker 1: encountered in so long because I lived in La the
Speaker 1: land of the Soy boys, the land of the is
Speaker 1: he gay or is he gay? Because he's fucking gay?
Speaker 1: Like that is what I'm used to. Men being more
Speaker 1: obsessed with themselves than with women not shooting their shot.
Speaker 1: Like this city is filled with testosterone and it feels
Speaker 1: dangerous and exciting all at the same time. And now
Speaker 1: I just you know, I didn't I didn't have sex
Speaker 1: with him because I was like, that's not appropriate behavior.
Speaker 1: That's not something that someone's on a healing journey would do.
Speaker 1: It feels like a hard detour from a healing journey.
Speaker 1: And I will tell you that that much is that
Speaker 1: I'm just not ready and I don't want to, so
Speaker 1: I'm not going to. I will be ready soon. I
Speaker 1: was actually talking to THEO about this because I went
Speaker 1: down to Nashville, which I'm gonna tell you more about
Speaker 1: this in the Patreon because some of it's tea. But
Speaker 1: I went down to Nashville and there was this guy
Speaker 1: that was hitting on me down there, and you know,
Speaker 1: he's really cool and he's a friend of Theo's. And
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't think so, Like my heart
Speaker 1: is still broken, you know, I need to like heal
Speaker 1: a little more. And he was like, well, don't take
Speaker 1: the rest of your life healing, honey, And that was
Speaker 1: such good advice, because I really it's such a different
Speaker 1: experience having to heal from a relationship that ended that
Speaker 1: had truly nothing to do with you. Like, I don't
Speaker 1: think there's a ton of like I need to like reflect,
Speaker 1: and like, here's the thing I do need to reflect
Speaker 1: and understand why I why I attracted someone like that,
Speaker 1: Why I allowed someone like that to I don't want
Speaker 1: to say, I don't want to say anything negative about
Speaker 1: the relationship, because it happened for a reason and I
Speaker 1: know that. But like, the only thing I really need
Speaker 1: to look at is like why did I Why did
Speaker 1: my body tell me so clearly that that was not
Speaker 1: a match and I ignored it and I went full
Speaker 1: steam ahead, And why did I do? I think that's
Speaker 1: the healing I need to do. It's more why did
Speaker 1: I ignore my body? Why did I ignore my gut?
Speaker 1: Why did I ignore them? Many times he so clearly
Speaker 1: let me know that was he was not my person,
Speaker 1: and I let him convince me that he was. That's all.
Speaker 1: I don't think there's like a ton of like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm like some broken, shattered, fucking piece of shit person,
Speaker 1: Like I don't have like such a heavy heart anymore. Honestly,
Speaker 1: I feel pretty good about everything. I feel at peace
Speaker 1: with everything. I feel like it all happens for a reason.
Speaker 1: Everything happens for a reason. And unfortunately, I think the
Speaker 1: reason is going to be like some of the best
Speaker 1: common you've ever written in my life. Unfortunately, it's just
Speaker 1: really gonna be a banger of an hour. But I
Speaker 1: just really needed and appreciated that advice of don't spend
Speaker 1: too much time healing. It's like, you don't want to
Speaker 1: keep yourself in the misery and the pity and the
Speaker 1: sadness of a breakup when ultimately in the relationship you
Speaker 1: didn't do anything wrong, you know. And I think there's
Speaker 1: different lengths of time and healing for people in different
Speaker 1: levels of relationships. And I would call that a level
Speaker 1: one relationship. I mean, I thought it was a level ten.
Speaker 1: I for sure thought it was a level ten, but
Speaker 1: I think it was a level one. I think for
Speaker 1: whatever reason, I got twisted upside down and backwards, and
Speaker 1: I thought it was a much more impactful and meaningful
Speaker 1: relationship than it ever was. And I think it was
Speaker 1: just there for a brief period of time to teach
Speaker 1: me something. And I think I learned the lessons. And
Speaker 1: you know, one of the big ones is like do
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to walk away? And the answer
Speaker 1: is yes, and so so it's exciting to me because
Speaker 1: I feel emotionally open to dating, which is like a
Speaker 1: good place to be in. Am I downloading the apps? No?
Speaker 1: Am I running? Am I running to that guy's house
Speaker 1: to fuck him after meeting him on the street. No,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing insane things. I'm not actively trying to
Speaker 1: get my feelings hurt again. What I'm doing is going
Speaker 1: to Sentrope. I'm just gonna go to the south of
Speaker 1: France and shake my ass, babe. And I think, you
Speaker 1: know what, in its own sense, that is healing And.
Speaker 2: Is it a good financial decision.
Speaker 1: That's a different conversation completely in one I don't really
Speaker 1: want to have with you guys, because I did notice
Speaker 1: someone commented they're like, how do you afford two reds
Speaker 1: and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And
Speaker 1: someone said plastic surgery too. I don't. I don't. I
Speaker 1: haven't had plastic surgery. I've had injections out the ass
Speaker 1: and lasers and shit, but I've never had plastic surgery.
Speaker 1: Not yet. I mean, I'm up into it. But someone
Speaker 1: was like, how do you afford all this in Trump's economy?
Speaker 1: And girlfriend, I don't, Bestie, let me sit you down
Speaker 1: and tell you a secret right now. I fucking don't don't.
Speaker 1: I don't know anyone who is. I'm so fucking lucky
Speaker 1: that I had a really big, fat career in advertising
Speaker 1: before I got into comedy because I was able to
Speaker 1: save money. And let me tell you, I have decimated
Speaker 1: my savings. It is in Smitherines in Palm Beach. My
Speaker 1: savings account is in smytherings in Palm Beach. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you what. I have spent more money this year than
Speaker 1: I'm comfortable with admitting, between Biggie's end of life surgeries
Speaker 1: and moving twice and getting no support financially from the
Speaker 1: fucking loser bitch I was dating. I mean I just
Speaker 1: I'm hanging on by a fucking thread right now. But
Speaker 1: here's the thing. I have faith. I have a ton
Speaker 1: of faith that something amazing is gonna happen. I keep
Speaker 1: waking up every day and I'm like, something amazing it's
Speaker 1: gonna happen. And I'm not even trying to brainwash myself.
Speaker 1: I really actually believe that. You guys know me. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm not like misoptimistic, you know. You know I'm not
Speaker 1: the bubbliest bitch in the bunch. But I just have
Speaker 1: this feeling energetically of alignment that everything is happening exactly
Speaker 1: the way it's supposed to. I've had more synchronicity and
Speaker 1: meetings and opportunities and things come up in the few
Speaker 1: weeks I have been in New York, then came up
Speaker 1: in the past year or maybe more, you know, and
Speaker 1: it's like things that are gonna amount to nothing. Like
Speaker 1: I got an audition for this TV show and it's
Speaker 1: a bunch of twenty somethings that live in a one
Speaker 1: bedroom that has six rooms, like you know, it's like
Speaker 1: six roommates living in a one giant, one bedroom apartment whatever.
Speaker 1: And I go to audition for it, and I'm like, literally,
Speaker 1: I could have given birth to half of the people
Speaker 1: auditioning here, like, yes, I would have been teen mom,
Speaker 1: I would have had them at fifteen, but I could
Speaker 1: actually be their moms. And I took that audition knowing
Speaker 1: nothing's gonna come of it, and I'm like, why not, Like,
Speaker 1: let's just go have some fun. Let's go audition for
Speaker 1: the role we know we're not right for. Let's just
Speaker 1: energetically like show the universe that we're gonna show up
Speaker 1: and we want to do this thing. And you know,
Speaker 1: and here's the thing. At the end of the day,
Speaker 1: when I was looking around that waiting room, I was like,
Speaker 1: my injector is going to be thrilled that we got
Speaker 1: this audition. Doctor Eric Anderson is going to be doing
Speaker 1: backflips that we even got in this room, because when
Speaker 1: I tell you, they were all between eighteen and twenty six,
Speaker 1: maybe at the very very oldest, and then me, me,
Speaker 1: the big old age of thirty seven. I was sitting
Speaker 1: there like this isn't gonna happen, but I loved. I
Speaker 1: love that I'm here and energetically like I'm going to
Speaker 1: show the universe where I want to be in what
Speaker 1: I want to do, and there's just been a ton
Speaker 1: of synchronicity in New York. I'm excited for all the
Speaker 1: stage time that I'm gonna get. I'm just like so
Speaker 1: genuinely excited to figure out this new hour. I did
Speaker 1: it in Raleigh, and I did it in Nashville, and
Speaker 1: I loved the Raleigh show, like I thought, I blew
Speaker 1: the fucking roof off Raleigh. We had so much fun.
Speaker 1: I I just it felt like a tour de force.
Speaker 1: It was so fun. And then Nashville was fine, but
Speaker 1: I was I was running on one hour of sleep,
Speaker 1: so I was exhausted. I did not sleep in Raleigh
Speaker 1: at all. I was staying at this a loft. The
Speaker 1: bed was horribly uncomfortable. The pillows felt like a bunch
Speaker 1: of pebbles. It was like, is someone gonna come beat
Speaker 1: me with this? Or is there other bars of soap
Speaker 1: in here? Am I in a prison yard? Are you
Speaker 1: gonna jump me in I'm get raped in the ass?
Speaker 1: Is that what's going on here? None of that was
Speaker 1: going on. It was just a bad bed as shitty
Speaker 1: hotel and that's all. And so it kind of robbed
Speaker 1: me of my peace of mind for the Nashville show.
Speaker 1: Everyone that went loved it so much. I didn't share
Speaker 1: that experience, but I'm glad everyone else had fun. It's
Speaker 1: really an interesting thing when you're trying to metabolize heartbreak
Speaker 1: and pain and trauma and turn it into comedy. And
Speaker 1: I've said this before where there's audiences are so emotionally intelligent.
Speaker 1: They can tell if you're okay. And I think in Raleigh,
Speaker 1: I was okay because I had slept well. I was
Speaker 1: so excited to be there. I was like, We're gonna
Speaker 1: fucking We're gonna turn this shit. You know, We're gonna
Speaker 1: turn this trauma into some fucking great comedy. And I
Speaker 1: was so excited about it. And then in Nashville, because
Speaker 1: I was running on no sleep. And by the way,
Speaker 1: running on no sleep, I know it's a torture technique
Speaker 1: and it should be, because, oh my god, a lack
Speaker 1: of sleep is the devil's work. And I have been
Speaker 1: having a tough time sleeping because I'm on a busy
Speaker 1: street in Chelsea, and yeah, it's just been it's been
Speaker 1: a tough adjustment for my body, for my physical body,
Speaker 1: not to mention my emotional body, not to mention I'm
Speaker 1: actually going back down on my lexapro. I had gone
Speaker 1: up when I was in Palm Beach because I was
Speaker 1: so fucking miserable and I was really handling the situations
Speaker 1: that were being thrown at me not well, and so
Speaker 1: I went I went up to ten milligrams when I
Speaker 1: was in Palm Beach, and then after talking to my
Speaker 1: therapist about it, I just decided to go back down
Speaker 1: to five miligrams. And one of the side effects of
Speaker 1: that of going back down is insomnia and anxiety. And
Speaker 1: I've been having like this crazy body anxiety where I
Speaker 1: feel like my soul is gonna pop out of my toes,
Speaker 1: Like it's like there's like this like pressure of just
Speaker 1: like this well of anxiety. But I've read into it
Speaker 1: this is all temporary, this is all part of the
Speaker 1: process of just getting back down to five. And I
Speaker 1: just felt like more myself when I was on five.
Speaker 1: I think ten really kind of numbed me out. Honestly,
Speaker 1: I just have no idea who the fuck I was
Speaker 1: when I was living in Palm Beach, Like that version
Speaker 1: of me I'm not real proud of. I. I don't
Speaker 1: really know what to say. There's gonna be amends I
Speaker 1: have to make there's I made a fucking mess emotionally
Speaker 1: and were some things done wrong to me? Yeah? Absolutely,
Speaker 1: But does that mean that you get to like go
Speaker 1: kick a fucking shit fist fit and make a mess
Speaker 1: and drag people to hell. No, I'm just like not
Speaker 1: proud of the version of myself that I was there,
Speaker 1: and I can tell that when I'm here, I'm going
Speaker 1: to become a version of myself that I'm really excited about.
Speaker 1: So I think things are trending in the right direction.
Speaker 1: And then I had a total like aha, god moment
Speaker 1: in Nashville where Okay, so David Tel was working in
Speaker 1: the big room and I was in the lab, which
Speaker 1: is the side room. And Davidtel is an interesting part
Speaker 1: of my comedy journey in that he is the person
Speaker 1: who introduced me to stand up comedy. I wasn't super
Speaker 1: aware it existed. So this was the and this is
Speaker 1: what I think the gateway, the pipeline for most of
Speaker 1: us millennials was into comedy.
Speaker 2: Dane Cook.
Speaker 1: Dane Cook. All my friends were like, rah, we loved
Speaker 1: Dane Cook. I saw Dane Cook and I was like, whoa,
Speaker 1: this is like crazy, what an electric and cool career.
Speaker 1: And then I remember I let, I was like, I
Speaker 1: like Dane Cook, so I was like, I'm gonna see
Speaker 1: where else Dane Cook is and David Tel had the
Speaker 1: Insomniac Tour and it was Dane Cook, David Tel, Greg Giraldo.
Speaker 1: I got my hands on that DVD, and when I say,
Speaker 1: I probably watched it one hundred times. It was so
Speaker 1: profound to me, and Dane Cook was on the back burner.
Speaker 1: I didn't give a fuck about Dane Cook anymore. David
Speaker 1: Tel and Greg Giraldo were so special to me. I
Speaker 1: thought Greg Giraldo was a fucking genius. He made me
Speaker 1: laugh harder than anyone has ever made me laugh. When
Speaker 1: he died, I was so sad, but I wasn't. I
Speaker 1: had no idea I could be a stand up right.
Speaker 1: I just saw these guys doing something that was cool
Speaker 1: and funny. And I remember there was a darkness about
Speaker 1: Greg Giraldo and Dave Attel that I really gravitated to.
Speaker 1: I remember Dane Cook being like light and fluffy and
Speaker 1: like la la la la la, and Dave and Greg
Speaker 1: were both Greg was super fucking intelligent. Dave also highly intelligent.
Speaker 1: But there was just like this darkness to them that
Speaker 1: I was that I really gwvitated too. And so I
Speaker 1: was leaving my show in the lab in Nashville and
Speaker 1: I was talking to these guys outside of the main
Speaker 1: room and they're like, oh, did you meet Dave? And
Speaker 1: I was like, no, but I don't know him, so
Speaker 1: I'm not going to go in there. And they're like, no,
Speaker 1: he wants to meet you, and so they took me
Speaker 1: in and he's like, oh, hey, I'm Dave. I love
Speaker 1: this joke of yours, Like this is so smart, this
Speaker 1: is so funny. Do you want to do a spot
Speaker 1: on my show tomorrow night? And I just had a
Speaker 1: moment where I was like, would you look at God?
Speaker 1: It was so profound to me. And I'm like getting
Speaker 1: emotional because I think there's just like a little girl
Speaker 1: version of me that's sitting on my dad's floor in Waterford,
Speaker 1: Wisconsin watching the insomniac who are thinking like, these guys
Speaker 1: are rock stars, their jobs are the coolest jobs in
Speaker 1: the world. I can't imagine a life like that. And
Speaker 1: now for this person to have the generosity of spirit
Speaker 1: to go look at who's performing in the lab, look
Speaker 1: at my stuff, have a joke of mine to reference
Speaker 1: when we meet, and to just be so generous and
Speaker 1: kind was really I felt like a godwink. It was
Speaker 1: God being like, you're doing the right thing, You're in
Speaker 1: the right place at the right time, and everything is
Speaker 1: gonna be good. And then I did his show and
Speaker 1: it was great, and I felt so bad because he
Speaker 1: like calls comedians up on stage after a show, and
Speaker 1: I couldn't stay because I had to go grab THEO
Speaker 1: from the airport. He was coming back from the Mexico
Speaker 1: game and he was at like a World Cup game
Speaker 1: in Mexico, and I had to go grab and like,
Speaker 1: I just felt bad because I couldn't stay and I
Speaker 1: couldn't do the thing. And he had invited me to dinner,
Speaker 1: you know, after the Friday night, like after you know,
Speaker 1: we did a show, and I just I felt bad
Speaker 1: that I couldn't show up in the capacity that I
Speaker 1: wanted to as a comedian. But like, I just felt
Speaker 1: so deeply honored that he took the time to be
Speaker 1: so kind, and it was just one of the moments
Speaker 1: where I'm like, all right, and we're gonna keep going.
Speaker 1: We're gonna keep going. You know, this this career is
Speaker 1: so fucking can be dogg eat dog and hard as fuck.
Speaker 1: And just like when you're on the road alone and
Speaker 1: you don't know you know where you are or what
Speaker 1: you're doing, why you're doing it, what's the purpose of
Speaker 1: all of this? And then there are just little moments
Speaker 1: of synchronicity that make you realize, oh, no, everything is
Speaker 1: happening the way it's supposed to do. Everything is happening,
Speaker 1: Everything happens for a reason, and you're exactly where you're
Speaker 1: supposed to be. And I think that was just a
Speaker 1: really nice That was a really nice moment for me
Speaker 1: to have. I actually saw something the other day that
Speaker 1: really made me laugh that I want to tell you
Speaker 1: guys about, which is that the final step of healing
Speaker 1: is becoming a bitch. And I really resonated with this,
Speaker 1: right because I have done and I'm by the way,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying I'm at the final steps of healing.
Speaker 1: I'm obviously I just had a melt down about the
Speaker 1: color my chair, and I'm still having a meltdown about it.
Speaker 1: By the way, I'm looking at the feedback on the
Speaker 1: camera and I'm like, this is I cannot believe there's
Speaker 1: share is the same color as the wall, I'm going
Speaker 1: to cry anyway. I think the final step of healing
Speaker 1: is being a bitch. I really do, because I think
Speaker 1: that you have to be so boundaried to be able
Speaker 1: to accept that you're going to be the villain in
Speaker 1: people's story. The people who are not willing to admit
Speaker 1: what they did to you or how they might have
Speaker 1: impacted you, they need to make you the villain. And
Speaker 1: I think we all do this, and I, you know,
Speaker 1: I always try and whenever I'm being accusatory about someone
Speaker 1: making me the villain, I look at times where I
Speaker 1: have made other people the villain. And I'm not perfect.
Speaker 1: My hands are not clean in this either. You know.
Speaker 1: I think it's human nature to try and rewrite stories
Speaker 1: so that we're not the bad guy. So I don't
Speaker 1: think anyone has, you know, a mental disorder or they're
Speaker 1: a bad person and if they're trying to like rewrite
Speaker 1: a narrative where they're not the bad guy. But I
Speaker 1: do think it's it's it's pertinent to understand that you
Speaker 1: have to be okay with being the villain. You have
Speaker 1: to be okay with being the bad the bad guy
Speaker 1: in some people's story because they are not going to
Speaker 1: have the accountability or the culpability to be the villain.
Speaker 1: And they're not going to have the growth or the
Speaker 1: maturity to take accountability and apologize and admit, you know,
Speaker 1: who they were in the story for real. And I
Speaker 1: think people are gonna think you're a fucking bitch if
Speaker 1: you stand up for yourself, if you speak the truth,
Speaker 1: if you say what's right or what's right in your eyes.
Speaker 1: You know, it can be wrong in their eyes, right
Speaker 1: in their eyes or wrong. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It can be wrong in their eyes and right in
Speaker 1: your eyes. There is no real I mean, there's a sense,
Speaker 1: there's an overall sense of morality right, but there is
Speaker 1: no real right and wrong. Like we're all varying shades
Speaker 1: of everything. But but I just do think that, like,
Speaker 1: you have to be okay with being a bitch, and
Speaker 1: you have to be okay. And this is something I've
Speaker 1: been struggling with. This is why I'm saying it to
Speaker 1: you guys, because every time I say anything out loud,
Speaker 1: I'm usually struggling with it. I don't like that there's
Speaker 1: a version of the story where I'm a fucking villain.
Speaker 1: I don't like that I can't explain my side of
Speaker 1: the story to people who have painted a different picture
Speaker 1: of me. But the reality is, if they didn't ask
Speaker 1: for my side of the story, then the picture that
Speaker 1: was painted to them is the one that they wanted
Speaker 1: to accept. So you have to be able to accept
Speaker 1: that you're the fucking bad guy in a lot of
Speaker 1: people's stories and you're not the people pleaser in you.
Speaker 1: Is not going to be able to make everyone love you,
Speaker 1: care about you, see your side, think you're right. This
Speaker 1: is something you have to let go of, right and spiritually.
Speaker 1: One of the most evolved things we can be is
Speaker 1: not concerned with what people view us as the perception
Speaker 1: of the outside world is something that is none of
Speaker 1: our business.
Speaker 2: Oh god, this is It gives me like a fucking
Speaker 2: heart attack.
Speaker 1: It gives me an actual fucking heart attack every time
Speaker 1: I have someone at my door. But yeah, all I
Speaker 1: was saying is you have to be okay with being
Speaker 1: the bad guy in some some people's stories. You know,
Speaker 1: like this unhealthy obsession with everyone knowing your truth, your
Speaker 1: version of events, this, that, and the third. It's none
Speaker 1: of the It's none of my business. At the end
Speaker 1: of the day, what you think of me is your business.
Speaker 1: And you know, the greatest evolution of self is to
Speaker 1: not care about the perception, to not care about what
Speaker 1: the fuck people think of you, and to genuinely not care,
Speaker 1: not to pretend that you don't care, but to genuinely
Speaker 1: not care and not be bothered, not be concerned by
Speaker 1: Because I had something plagging me recently where I know
Speaker 1: a story going around about me is not true, and
Speaker 1: that makes me furious. But at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: everyone gets to tell their own story, and everyone gets
Speaker 1: to have their own version of events, and the people
Speaker 1: in their circle and in their lives are going to
Speaker 1: believe to be true their version of events. And that's okay,
Speaker 1: that's okay. At the end of the day, it all
Speaker 1: comes out in the wash. And if it doesn't come
Speaker 1: out in the wash, it comes out in the rinse, bitch,
Speaker 1: all right, So.
Speaker 2: Just let God take care.
Speaker 1: Of everything, Let Karma do its thing, because like I've
Speaker 1: said a million times, Karma doesn't miss a fucking doorstep. Okay,
Speaker 1: Karma does not miss a fucking doorstep. And and that's that.
Speaker 1: And that's all, folks, that's that's it. On that I
Speaker 1: think we all just have to be okay with being
Speaker 1: the bitch. We gotta be okay with being the bitch.
Speaker 1: And some people start in like people are gonna paint
Speaker 1: you as the villain because they cannot take accountability, and
Speaker 1: that's okay, Like what is someone really gonna do? Go
Speaker 1: around and be like, oh my god, not what they're anymore?
Speaker 1: Is they cheated on her?
Speaker 2: No, of course not.
Speaker 1: They have to invent a new story. And you know
Speaker 1: who doesn't participate in reality people with mood disorders. People
Speaker 1: with mood disorders like narcissism and bipolar don't participate in
Speaker 1: right reality. So also there's a huge ego component too, Right,
Speaker 1: there's a huge ego component of us wanting the world
Speaker 1: to see and perceive us a certain way and knowing
Speaker 1: that certain information will dam or bastardize the version of
Speaker 1: ourselves that we want the world to believe we are.
Speaker 1: So you got a just you just gotta let it roll, Bay,
Speaker 1: let it roll, besties. I will say this, I didn't
Speaker 1: think at this big age in my life, I would
Speaker 1: be using any meany miney mo so much to make decisions.
Speaker 1: You guys, it is making most of my decisions any
Speaker 1: meani miney, most of my decisions santrapez yes or no
Speaker 1: fucking yes, fuck the guy on the street, Nope, what
Speaker 1: to eat? Yep, like every like, I just it is shocking.
Speaker 1: How little what's the word I'm looking for? It's a
Speaker 1: word and it's right there, and it's on the tip
Speaker 1: of my tongue, but I don't know it because autonomy
Speaker 1: is not the right word. How little, how few decision
Speaker 1: making skills I really have. I've just been I think
Speaker 1: my nervous system is so shocked from all the changes
Speaker 1: right now that I'm like, I cannot decide between sushi
Speaker 1: and pizza. That's a crazy thing to ask of a girl.
Speaker 1: So now a lot of it is Eni media minemo
Speaker 1: and someone is like, well, you know, that's like formulaic
Speaker 1: and you can decide it. But I haven't figured out
Speaker 1: the formula yet. I haven't figured it out, and I
Speaker 1: don't want to because it's making all my decisions and
Speaker 1: it's doing a pretty good job. So if you're in
Speaker 1: a gym, just use Eni media minimo. Tell Alexa to
Speaker 1: flip a coin, just, do you know, leave it to fate.
Speaker 1: I think, and I guess Enie meanie Manuma is not
Speaker 1: fat whatever anyway, I will say going to Nashville really
Speaker 1: was a big turning point for me. I felt like
Speaker 1: very healed after that. There's something about my friendship with
Speaker 1: THEO that just feels so nurturing and special, and he's
Speaker 1: just so kind and wonderful and caring and also like
Speaker 1: funny and you know, can make a joke of anything.
Speaker 1: So I just feel so lucky to have that friendship
Speaker 1: and to have him to kind of check me, keep
Speaker 1: me in check. I'm going to talk a little bit
Speaker 1: more about Nashville on the Patreon because some fun things
Speaker 1: did happen, but they don't feel like they're for public consumption.
Speaker 1: Even though I've had the argument that Patreon is public,
Speaker 1: I will die on a hill that it's not. And
Speaker 1: then their counter argument was like, are you telling me
Speaker 1: that Netflix isn't public because you can pay for Netflix?
Speaker 1: And I was like, you're making a really good point,
Speaker 1: but I'm still gonna die on this bucket. I'm still
Speaker 1: gonna fucking die on this hill that people have to
Speaker 1: pay to hear me talk a dish little shit. It's
Speaker 1: not just out there. You gotta pay the big bucks.
Speaker 1: And by the way, all of you who have joined
Speaker 1: the Patreon, I love you so much. I feel like
Speaker 1: we're a little family. I'm so grateful for you, and
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful to have that like portion of our
Speaker 1: week to just hang out with each other and you know,
Speaker 1: talk more shit. And I have some like juicy fun
Speaker 1: stuff for today. But I told you I'm being a
Speaker 1: heeled bitch and being am I. I'm doing my best
Speaker 1: to be as healed as possible and not talk shit
Speaker 1: on the podcast anymore. How am I doing? You guys
Speaker 1: can tell me later. I will say this. Did I
Speaker 1: say this already? The price gouging in New York City
Speaker 1: is out of control. It's absolutely out of control. I
Speaker 1: was gonna get groceries delivered the other day because I
Speaker 1: wanted to make this healthy soup before I go to
Speaker 1: San Trepez. I was like, I need my waistline. I
Speaker 1: can't find it. I can't find it. Has anyone seen it?
Speaker 1: Turns out no, nobody's seen it. But I was gonna
Speaker 1: make this soup, and I was on Instacart shopping at
Speaker 1: this place called west Side Market. Bay leaves. Bay leaves
Speaker 1: were thirteen dollars. I'm like, you mean the mythical things
Speaker 1: we throw in soup and nobody's sure if they actually
Speaker 1: do anything at all? Those are thirteen dollars. Are you
Speaker 1: guys on fucking crank? What are you smoking? And can
Speaker 1: I have some? And then eggs fifteen dollars? And I
Speaker 1: was like, hey, man, do you want to shit in
Speaker 1: my fucking mouth? I don't know. This feels illegal. All
Speaker 1: everything feels illegal. I'm gonna call the police and or
Speaker 1: Mundani because I probably can get his private line, like
Speaker 1: this is who can afford to live here? Who can
Speaker 1: afford this shit? It's crazy? And so I didn't want to,
Speaker 1: but I you know, I didn't want to schlep again.
Speaker 1: But Trader Joe's is my saving grace. It is the
Speaker 1: only reason I'm gonna be able to eat in this town.
Speaker 1: It's because eggs there are four dollars, and bay leaves
Speaker 1: are four dollars like they should be like at Like
Speaker 1: who cranked those prices up ten dollars each? That's crazy,
Speaker 1: It's fucking crazy. Anyway, I'm doing great. I can't wait
Speaker 1: to go to santra Pez. The next time you guys
Speaker 1: see me, I will be in a hotel in santra
Speaker 1: Pez and we're gonna bootstrap a little episode together. Because
Speaker 1: you know me, Mom's going on vacation, but I'm taking
Speaker 1: my besties. I'm taking my babies. Pack your bags, grab
Speaker 1: your passports. We're going to santrape honeys. Okay, you guys,
Speaker 1: There's one more thing I want to talk to you
Speaker 1: guys about before we leave.
Speaker 2: Before we leave, because we're all going together, we're all no.
Speaker 1: I do have to go. I have to go get
Speaker 1: a spray TN and a blowout and do all of
Speaker 1: the things before I leave for sant Trope. I'm leaving
Speaker 1: to Brown Night. I still have to pack. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I need a personal assistant. I need someone else to
Speaker 1: just do my life for me. But there's one thing
Speaker 1: I want to talk about, and I'm gonna say right now,
Speaker 1: there's spoilers. Here's there's spoilers here. If you guys haven't
Speaker 1: watched Maternal Instinct, turn the podcast off if you want
Speaker 1: to watch it, because I need to talk about this
Speaker 1: motherfucking documentary. This is the most haunted, fucking documentary ever
Speaker 1: seen my entire life. And I was trying to tell
Speaker 1: a friend the other day to watch it. I was like,
Speaker 1: you have to see this. It's the most unhinged documentary
Speaker 1: I have ever seen in my entire life, and she's like,
Speaker 1: isn't that the one where a woman like kills a
Speaker 1: baby or something? And I was like, yes, but that's
Speaker 1: not even really the problem, Like that's not even top
Speaker 1: ten of the problems here. So basically, the documentary starts,
Speaker 1: and this isn't a spoiler. It starts with this woman
Speaker 1: getting pulled over. She has a baby in her lap
Speaker 1: and she's covered in blood. She goes to the hospital.
Speaker 1: The blood's not hers, the baby's not hers, and she said,
Speaker 1: she just gave birth to this baby. The baby's dead.
Speaker 1: Then this whole documentary pops the fuck off about this
Speaker 1: woman who is basically just this fucking pathological liar, and
Speaker 1: she couldn't physically have babies anymore. She had already had two,
Speaker 1: and she had a hysterectomy, and she was with this
Speaker 1: guy who didn't they they hadn't been together that long,
Speaker 1: but he wanted her to be in love and he was.
Speaker 1: She was like, Oh, if I get pregnant with this kid,
Speaker 1: he'll love me. And then she like buys a fake
Speaker 1: pregnancy belly and does all this durain shit, like you
Speaker 1: want to talk about committing to the fucking bit like
Speaker 1: I think we could all commit to the bit more
Speaker 1: like this documentary taught me.
Speaker 2: That we could all be fucking crazier.
Speaker 1: We have not been letting our freak flags fly, and
Speaker 1: we need to a little bit. Like this woman faked
Speaker 1: an entire pregnancy, And then I won't completely give away
Speaker 1: what happens, but like this bitch plotted and plotted and plotted,
Speaker 1: and then.
Speaker 2: All right, I'm gonna say it.
Speaker 1: She fucking murders a woman who's pregnant and cuts the
Speaker 1: baby out of her and is trying to pretend it's
Speaker 1: her baby. In what world is that ever gonna work?
Speaker 1: In what world is that gonna fly? And I think
Speaker 1: we can all just be crazier. And she had a
Speaker 1: long history of lying. She had a long history of
Speaker 1: pathological lying about illness, which which is just something that I
Speaker 1: think is so interesting because this is something my mom did.
Speaker 1: My mom would often fake illnesses because I think there's
Speaker 1: a medical term for it. I could be wrong. This
Speaker 1: is when it would be nice if Mike was here.
Speaker 1: I think it's called malingering. I could be wrong, though,
Speaker 1: When you have a mental illness but you're not getting
Speaker 1: the attention you want for the mental illness, so you
Speaker 1: fake a physical illness because what you want is sympathy
Speaker 1: and attention, and you want that because of your mental illness,
Speaker 1: but you're not getting it. So you're like, oh, if
Speaker 1: I have cancer, I will get the attention I need.
Speaker 1: My mom at one point was saying she had lung cancer.
Speaker 1: She never had lung cancer. She had and maybe in
Speaker 1: bacterium infection, which is like a lung disease, but she
Speaker 1: didn't have lung cancer. And it's just such an interesting
Speaker 1: phenomenon to me, these people that will just go to
Speaker 1: such great lengths to get attention instead of just going
Speaker 1: to therapy. I'm like, hey, babe, take yourself to the
Speaker 1: fucking therapist, pop your little tush in a therapy chair,
Speaker 1: and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you
Speaker 1: before you cut a baby out of a woman to
Speaker 1: pretend it's yours so guy will say he loves you
Speaker 1: when he never loved you.
Speaker 2: It really stresses me out.
Speaker 1: The whole documentary gave me nightmares and stressed me the
Speaker 1: fuck out, So if you don't want nightmares or to
Speaker 1: be stressed, I wouldn't watch it. And also I just
Speaker 1: ruined the whole documentary for you. So I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, but I did tell you to turn
Speaker 1: the podcast off if you wanted to watch it. Bruh,
Speaker 1: that documentary gave me nightmares. Like I told you, I'm
Speaker 1: already not sleeping right now. Insomnia is a motherfucker. I mean,
Speaker 1: a good night's rest can really cure anything, you know.
Speaker 1: I was so excited. Last night was my first night
Speaker 1: where I was like, I'm not gonna take any sleeping
Speaker 1: pills to sleep. I'm just gonna sleep. I don't have
Speaker 1: anything to do this morning. I'm just gonna get through
Speaker 1: the night. I'm gonna fucking raw on it. And I
Speaker 1: fell asleep on my own, by the grace of God.
Speaker 1: And then a fly that got into my apartment decided
Speaker 1: it was fucking on. Like Donkey Kong, this fly kept
Speaker 1: fucking landing on me. I kept getting think, I was
Speaker 1: getting thinking I was getting bit by mosquitoes. I forgot
Speaker 1: about mosquitoes, you guys. I am from Wisconsin. So this
Speaker 1: weather that's going on in New York right now is
Speaker 1: very similar to Wisconsin. Like hot Summer's Buggy, Muggy, the
Speaker 1: whole nine. I'm so spoiled. I'm so used to living
Speaker 1: in la where it's just seventeen two and seveny all
Speaker 1: the time. The weather's perfect, there's no bugs, there's nothing
Speaker 1: going on. Nature's not trying to fuck with you. This
Speaker 1: whole city's trying to fuck with me. Oh. Another thing
Speaker 1: I will say is the trash trucks. It feels like
Speaker 1: an inside job. The garbage trucks, it feels like nine
Speaker 1: to eleven. I'll be honest, like it feels like an attack.
Speaker 1: I think they come every night. I don't think they
Speaker 1: have a night off. And it's like between three and
Speaker 1: four in the morning, they're just like dorshe doushsh like
Speaker 1: banging outside of my windows. I'm like, what, I understand
Speaker 1: that this city is filled to the brim with trash,
Speaker 1: and I don't know what they're doing with the trash.
Speaker 1: I think they're just sending it off to sea. I
Speaker 1: think there's I'm pretty sure there's a floating island of
Speaker 1: trash shit in the middle of the Hudson. I'm not
Speaker 1: and I know the Hudson's not the sea, but you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, I'm pretty sure there's a trash
Speaker 1: island somewhere. I wonder what the rent's like. There. I
Speaker 1: wonder if it's che to live there, because maybe I'll
Speaker 1: move to Trash Island and just become one with the trash,
Speaker 1: return to my roots. You know, wants a trash bitch,
Speaker 1: always a trash bitch. And uh so, yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1: That's all I've got for this week. I know it's
Speaker 1: a short episode. I'm sorry, I'm cramming. I'm struggling to
Speaker 1: get this shit done. If you are doing the artist's
Speaker 1: way with me, I'll come on the little journey with
Speaker 1: me to do the artist's way. If not, besties and
Speaker 1: you want a little more tea, come to the Patreon
Speaker 1: because the Patreon is where it's mother the fucking at.
Speaker 1: And I'm in there and I'm responding to your comments.
Speaker 1: And if you guys have any questions, if you want
Speaker 1: to DM me anything, I'm in there. I'll respond. I'll
Speaker 1: say what's up. I'll kikey with you guys about whatever.
Speaker 1: I have nothing better to do. The next week I
Speaker 1: might be a little touch and go because I will
Speaker 1: be in Santralpe. But after that I am free, like
Speaker 1: a bird, free like my little trash shit birds that
Speaker 1: are on my balcony that I love so much. These
Speaker 1: birds are little spirit animals. And you know what, every
Speaker 1: once in a while, I'm just ripping a sig talking
Speaker 1: to a pigeon. And that is what my life is
Speaker 1: looking like in New York City, babes. But I do
Speaker 1: have to stop smoking cigarettes. It's getting old, and I'm
Speaker 1: it's gonna make me old. It's gonna age. It's aging
Speaker 1: me like the devil, and.
Speaker 2: I'm like wheezing. I'm like, it's not a vibe.
Speaker 1: But anyway, besties, I love you so much, thanks for
Speaker 1: hanging out with me and my monochrome apartment and chairs.
Speaker 1: And I'll, you know, have a panic attack about it
Speaker 1: next week, I'm sure. Okay, Week nine of the Artist's Way,
Speaker 1: you guys, we are recovering a sense of compassion this week.
Speaker 1: And you know what, I didn't read this chapter, so
Speaker 1: I have to do that right now. Bye. All right,
Speaker 1: you guys. Did I have a nuclear mental breakdown earlier
Speaker 1: about the color of these chairs? I sure did? But
Speaker 1: then guess what. I contacted Quints the place I got
Speaker 1: them from, and they're like, we can just swap them
Speaker 1: out for the tope ones and we'll come get these.
Speaker 1: And I was like, would you look at God? That
Speaker 1: is just another moment, you guys. I had body anxiety earlier.
Speaker 1: I almost canceled my trip to France because I was like,
Speaker 1: I can't go to France when I look like I'm levitating,
Speaker 1: when I look like I'm a Laddin on a magic
Speaker 1: fucking carpet doing this podcast. So anyway, I gotta blow out.
Speaker 1: I emailed Quints and now everything's fine, baby girls, going
Speaker 1: to France. We're not gonna worry about the fucking chairs
Speaker 1: that match the walls. We're not gonna have a mental
Speaker 1: breakdown like that again. And that is something that I
Speaker 1: need to put in my godbox and just remember next
Speaker 1: time i'm having a fucking freak out, a fucking panic attack.
Speaker 1: And for those of you who don't know what a
Speaker 1: godbox is, godbox is a place you put a situation
Speaker 1: that worked out for you, just find but you freaked
Speaker 1: out about it in the moment. So this one's going
Speaker 1: in the godbox. And yeah, soon it's gonna look better.
Speaker 1: The production on this podcast will be higher quality. I'm
Speaker 1: very sorry you guys that were in the shit together
Speaker 1: like this, but you know what, at least we're together
Speaker 1: and I love that, all right, you guys, come hop
Speaker 1: on over to the patreon. Mama's got tea for you.
Speaker 1: I want to hang out with you. And the hill
Speaker 1: I will die on is that the patreon's not public
Speaker 1: because you have to pay to get there, you know.
Speaker 1: And uh so it's not public, it's private. It's just
Speaker 1: the three of us having a sleepover because we're girls
Speaker 1: and we're braiding each other's hair. That's what's going on
Speaker 1: in the Patreon. We're braiding each other's hair and telling
Speaker 1: each other's secrets and it's a safe space. And I think, oh,
Speaker 1: I think I got the ops out of there. I
Speaker 1: think I got the ops out of there. I don't
Speaker 1: know if I got the ops out of there, But
Speaker 1: come join us on the Patreon, and I have for
Speaker 1: those of you doing the Artist's Way with me. I
Speaker 1: do have the Artist's Way, and we're gonna do that
Speaker 1: because I promised you that we would. Where's my book?
Speaker 2: Ah, life is so hard? I found it.
Speaker 1: Mike. I know you were so worried about me. I
Speaker 1: wonder if Mike even watches this. I don't think he does. Anyway,
Speaker 1: you guys, we are on week nine for the Artist Way.
Speaker 1: Bestie is recovering a sense of compassion this week is
Speaker 1: so important. Okay, so we name our behavior incorrectly. If
Speaker 1: we're an artist that wants to create and we don't,
Speaker 1: we often call ourselves lazy. But we're not lazy. We're
Speaker 1: blocked and we have to move through those blocks with
Speaker 1: compassion in order to get to the other side in
Speaker 1: order to make anything. So this is not merely an
Speaker 1: accurate it's cruel saying that that's laziness. It's cruel. Accuracy
Speaker 1: and compassion serve us far better. Being blocked and being
Speaker 1: lazy are two different things. The blocked artist spends energy
Speaker 1: on self hatred, on regret, grief, and on jealousy. Do
Speaker 1: not call the inability to start laziness. Call it fear,
Speaker 1: because that's what it is. We're fucking afraid, right. It's
Speaker 1: fear of failure, fear of success, most importantly, fear of abandonment,
Speaker 1: fear that we create something from our hearts and people
Speaker 1: don't like it. I struggled with this immensely when I
Speaker 1: first started stand up full time. I'm like, I pour
Speaker 1: my soul out on stage and when people don't like it,
Speaker 1: it hits different because I'm not like Jerry Seinfeld. I'm
Speaker 1: like Oh, what I noticed about public restrooms is da
Speaker 1: da da, You know, Like, no, I'm like, my mom
Speaker 1: killed hers all three days before my wedding. And when
Speaker 1: people don't laugh at that, I'm like, I just I
Speaker 1: feel completely exposed. So there is a fear of putting
Speaker 1: something out there that people don't like. And if it's
Speaker 1: so special to you and so you're so vulnerable that
Speaker 1: if they don't like it right away, then perhaps we
Speaker 1: could be in a bit of a pickle. Right. Fear
Speaker 1: has its roots in childhood reality. Most blocked artists tried
Speaker 1: to become artists against either parents good wishes or their
Speaker 1: parents good judgment. For youngsters, this is quite a conflict.
Speaker 1: So this is interesting. My experience is actually different. I
Speaker 1: didn't become a creative person out of I wasn't rebelling
Speaker 1: against my parents, right, Like, my dad always wanted me
Speaker 1: to have a nine to five and to have stability.
Speaker 1: My mom always was like, you're going to be the
Speaker 1: most famous person in the world, And there was such
Speaker 1: a crushing amount of pressure to be good at things
Speaker 1: that I genuinely was not good at. Like she would
Speaker 1: drive me to Chicago once a week to go to
Speaker 1: acting classes, and I stunk.
Speaker 2: I was so bad. I didn't know what I was doing.
Speaker 1: I didn't even feel like literally, for the first thirteen
Speaker 1: years of my life, I didn't feel like I was
Speaker 1: even in my body, like I didn't connect to myself.
Speaker 1: I couldn't connect to people around me. I couldn't connect
Speaker 1: to an audience when I was on stage.
Speaker 2: I just and I.
Speaker 1: Really had such a complicated relationship with my mom that
Speaker 1: whatever she wanted for me, I did not want. So
Speaker 1: I spent my life rebelling against everything my mom wanted
Speaker 1: for me. My mom worked out twenty four to seven.
Speaker 1: She ate healthy, she had a bit of an eating disorder,
Speaker 1: and she wanted me to be a fucking actress. And
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going to eat McDonald's all the time.
Speaker 1: I'm never gonna work out again after I'm done with
Speaker 1: high school volleyball, and I'm going to get a day job.
Speaker 1: And I did all those things, and I accidentally found creativity.
Speaker 1: I didn't think, Oh, I'm some creative person that's like
Speaker 1: dying to break out of this shell. But what I
Speaker 1: did find is when I worked in advertising and I
Speaker 1: was writing, I didn't like that the clients told me
Speaker 1: what was good and what wasn't good. I liked being
Speaker 1: I liked being my own north Star. So that's how
Speaker 1: I found it. I found it by happenstance. But a
Speaker 1: lot of blocked creatives are people that wanted to be
Speaker 1: creatives and their parents urged them to not be, and
Speaker 1: then you know, they do it against their parents will,
Speaker 1: and then you have to be great, right, And then
Speaker 1: you have in your mind, I have to be great.
Speaker 1: I have to be the best singer. I have to
Speaker 1: be the best writer. I have to be the best director.
Speaker 1: I have to be the best, best, best, because if
Speaker 1: I'm going to rebel, I have to be the best.
Speaker 1: And that is such a high bar that it's hard
Speaker 1: to get started when your expectation is to be the best, right,
Speaker 1: because then you're just setting yourself up for this crushing
Speaker 1: level of disappointment. And I have done that in my
Speaker 1: life before. Where I launched right after the right before
Speaker 1: the pandemic, I launched something called Ho to Go, which
Speaker 1: was this brand. It was like an overnight bag for
Speaker 1: girls who went out to clubs, went home with dudes,
Speaker 1: and in the morning you have to like wake up
Speaker 1: and put dress and your dress and your heels on
Speaker 1: and you have like crusty makeup on your face and
Speaker 1: you don't have to, like it's a bad place to
Speaker 1: be in. So the HO to Go bag was like leggings,
Speaker 1: t shirt, sunglasses, makeup, wipe, advil, hair tie, little jewelry pouch,
Speaker 1: a tote for your bag from thee for your clothes
Speaker 1: from the night before, like flip flops. It was like
Speaker 1: this whole thing. And I was like, I'm going to
Speaker 1: be on Forbes list next year. I'm gonna look out
Speaker 1: Kylie Jenner because I'm going to be on Forbes list.
Speaker 1: Guess what I wasn't. And then the pandemic hit and
Speaker 1: hoes were not going, hose were held hostage, and I
Speaker 1: had to donate all of those bags to a women's shelter.
Speaker 1: And here's the thing, because my expectations of success were
Speaker 1: so high that when I didn't hit those marks, it
Speaker 1: felt crushing. There was no greater failure in my life
Speaker 1: than How to Go, and I felt so sad. But
Speaker 1: when your expectations are just to start and just to
Speaker 1: get in the mix, then all you ever are is
Speaker 1: pleasantly surprised. And that has been my experience with comedy
Speaker 1: is I just wanted to get in the mix. I
Speaker 1: just wanted to throw my hat in the ring and
Speaker 1: let everyone know that I had one or two things
Speaker 1: to say. I didn't have expectations to be the best,
Speaker 1: or to be the greatest, or to be anything.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: I have no lofty goals, and not in like an
Speaker 1: impending doom way, even though that is my brand, just
Speaker 1: in like a I don't. I do not expect to
Speaker 1: be the highest paid comedian. I don't expect to be
Speaker 1: in the conversation of the top ten. I don't have
Speaker 1: any of those expectations. I just want to speak my
Speaker 1: truth and whoever it resonates with and whoever it helps heal,
Speaker 1: those are my people, and that's it. That's the only
Speaker 1: reason I'm creating in this field, and so I think
Speaker 1: that's important. So yeah, what I said is the need
Speaker 1: to be a great artist makes it hard to be
Speaker 1: an artist. The need to produce great work of art
Speaker 1: makes it hard to produce any art at all. You
Speaker 1: need help from your higher power, from your friends, from
Speaker 1: everyone in order to get anything out. For me and
Speaker 1: my first special, you know, how to Housewife? I called
Speaker 1: everyone I knew from advertising, and I said homies were
Speaker 1: phoned in a favor, can we throw this special together?
Speaker 1: And I had some friends like bootstrap it, and it
Speaker 1: it went great. Like I was talk about synchronicity, the
Speaker 1: universe lined up with that and was like yes, the
Speaker 1: clips went viral, like the numbers were great. Everything, everything
Speaker 1: worked way beyond my wildest dreams of how I ever
Speaker 1: expected it to work. And then here's the other thing.
Speaker 1: We need. Enthusiasm, right, Enthusiasm is in the short it's
Speaker 1: talking about discipline here right, Like discipline is important, but
Speaker 1: enthusiasm is really what you need. By its very nature.
Speaker 1: Discipline is rooted in self admiration. We admire ourselves for
Speaker 1: being so wonderful. But over any extended period of time,
Speaker 1: being an artist requires enthusiasm more than discipline. It's a
Speaker 1: spiritual commitment, a loving surrender to our creative process, a
Speaker 1: loving recognition of all of the creativity around us. Enthusiasm
Speaker 1: from the Greek word filled with God, is an ongoing
Speaker 1: energy supply. It tapped into the flow of life, itself
Speaker 1: grounded in play. And here's the thing I will hear
Speaker 1: people out for the case that discipline is important. I
Speaker 1: really think it is important. I think if you sit
Speaker 1: down to write once a week or twice a week
Speaker 1: or four times a week. However many times you sit
Speaker 1: down to write, something will come out. You cannot wait
Speaker 1: to be inspired all the time. You do need to
Speaker 1: have a bit of discipline, and there does need to
Speaker 1: be a bit of a schedule. But what needs to
Speaker 1: come with that is enthusiasm, which is the energy to
Speaker 1: bring something beautiful to life. And just remember your inner
Speaker 1: artist is a child and it needs to be treated
Speaker 1: as such. And the only way to really get kids
Speaker 1: to do anything is to play. And so you just
Speaker 1: have to remember to be playful. Even though it might
Speaker 1: be a little bit structured, there does need to be
Speaker 1: a sense of play, and just be cognizant for creative
Speaker 1: U turns. You know, when you're about to reach success
Speaker 1: or when you're about to put something out and you
Speaker 1: want to fucking turn around, You want a board ship,
Speaker 1: you want to burn it to the fucking ground. Look out,
Speaker 1: because that is that's fear, that that's a blurt, that's
Speaker 1: something that you you don't want. When I was about
Speaker 1: to put out How to Housewife, I emailed my manager
Speaker 1: and said, I don't want to put this out anymore.
Speaker 1: I'm going through a divorce. I'm not a housewife. None
Speaker 1: of this is true, and I don't want this to exist,
Speaker 1: and he respectfully told me to fuck off. He said, respectfully,
Speaker 1: we have the deal, we have the launch date. It's happening.
Speaker 1: We're putting it out. And thank god for that, because
Speaker 1: left my own defenses, I would not have put out
Speaker 1: How to Housewife. I would have not put out Horney.
Speaker 1: You guys know how much I fucking hated that special.
Speaker 1: The only special I would have put out is Sorry Dad,
Speaker 1: which is the least viewed special. So it's just interesting.
Speaker 1: Just just remember you do not always know what's best,
Speaker 1: and if there's if you're getting close to creating something
Speaker 1: or accomplishing something and you try and steer the show
Speaker 1: so it crashes onto the shore, just no, just no,
Speaker 1: that's very normal, but just don't do it. So you
Speaker 1: got to blast through your blocks right in order to
Speaker 1: work really on a project, and artists must be at
Speaker 1: least functionally free of resentment, which is anger, and resistance,
Speaker 1: which is fear. Remember your artist is a creative child.
Speaker 1: It sulks, throws tantrums, hold grudges, harbor's irrational fear. Like
Speaker 1: most children, it's afraid of the dark. The Boogeyman and
Speaker 1: the Adventure that isn't safely scary. Your artist's parent and guardian.
Speaker 1: It's big brother, warrior and companion. It falls to you
Speaker 1: to convince your artists it's safe to come out and play. So, yeah,
Speaker 1: you guys, it's week nine. We're fucking cruising here. I'm
Speaker 1: so proud of you guys for doing this. I know
Speaker 1: there's at least ten of us doing it. Don't forget
Speaker 1: your tasks, don't forget your artists days dates, don't forget
Speaker 1: your morning pages. I'm gonna be so honest. I haven't
Speaker 1: been doing morning pages because no, because nothing. Because I
Speaker 1: haven't been doing them because I don't know where my
Speaker 1: journals are in all of my boxes. And I ran
Speaker 1: out my journal that I was journaling and ran out
Speaker 1: the second I moved to New York, and so I
Speaker 1: haven't been doing that. And just because I said it
Speaker 1: out loud, I'm going to start tomorrow. I'm going to
Speaker 1: open these last four boxes and I'm going to find it.
Speaker 1: If you're doing the work, I'm really proud of you. Besties.
Speaker 1: DM me let me know you're at how it's feeling,
Speaker 1: what's shaking loose? Some of you have sent me some
Speaker 1: really cool messages about things that have happened in synchronicity
Speaker 1: and thoughts, feelings, all the things. So just let me
Speaker 1: know how it's going. Besties, Okay, I love you so much.