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Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back to talking Schmidt Bestie's how

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are you today? I'll go first. I'm just had a

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mental breakdown because these chairs that I got for the

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pod area in my apartment are the same color as

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the wall, and I cannot fathom a world where I

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return them. I can't imagine carrying them down three flights

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of stairs to God knows where to return them to

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God knows who. And now I just have an apartment

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that's monochrome. I look like I'm living in a brick

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and I'm sitting on a brick and I'm just becoming

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a brick. My pants are brick colored. Everything is brick colored,

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except for my tears. If you notice, I have under

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eye patches on now because I was just crying. No,

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I wasn't crying, but I was very upset because I

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tried to shoot this and take one. Was me realizing

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that it looks like I'm floating and my chair is

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the same color as my wall. And that's a colossal

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fuck up. And I'm depressed about it because I was

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excited about these chairs because they're these like luxurious, luxurious,

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What the fuck is that word? Why can't I say it? Today?

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That sounds like word solid, luxurious orange color, like a

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burnt orange color that's so beautiful. But guess what, My

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floors are burned orange and so are my walls. So

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I am just living in a burnt orange ball. I'm

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the burnt orange ball man. Anyway, besties, hope your Monday

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is off to a better start than mine. All things considered,

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I'm doing great. I really am. I love New York City.

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Can we talk about New York City?

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Speaker 2: Oh?

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Speaker 1: Also, before we start talking about how much I love

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New York City, let's talk about the fact I just

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booked some dates in Phoenix. I'm gonna be in Phoenix,

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Arizona at Stand Up Live on July eighteenth and nineteenth.

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Speaker 2: I'm doing a quick little.

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Speaker 1: Weekend if you guys want to come see my new hour.

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I'm having so much fun with it. I am a

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viscerating the situation I was just in, and that is

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the thing I just want you guys all to know.

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I want you to know. And while it looks like

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I am recording from inside of a box under a bridge,

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I have words of wisdom for you, which is that

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you can heart a comedian in life.

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Speaker 2: You can.

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Speaker 1: But I wouldn't. I just wouldn't, uh, because we are

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going to get the last laugh. And that's what we're

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gonna do in Phoenix is get the last laugh. So

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if you guys want to come hang out, go to

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my website Brittain Schmidt dot com and get your tickets

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to come see me. I have three shows the on

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the eighteenth and nineteenth. I think there's two shows the eighteenth,

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one on the nineteenth. Who knows none of my business.

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My schedule is never any of my business, you guys.

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I one time was at a show and I started

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crowdworking about Texas and I was like, oh, Texas. It's

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really just fucking strange here, isn't it. You guys, dud

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da da da da about Texas? Whatever the fuck I

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was saying. And everyone was looking at me with blank

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stairs and I was like, what is going on here?

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And they're like, you are in Oklahoma City. Oh, and

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I got a delivery one second. That delivery system is

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going to be the death of me. In case you

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guys care. They Amazon comes by the way all hours

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of the night. They come at three am, four am

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and they ring that bell and I'm just like.

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Speaker 2: I don't need my dry shampoo. That bad.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I'll have another day of greasy hair. Like read

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the room, the room is asleep, Let me sleep, let

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me rest. And it's such a startling sound. Right every

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time I hear it, my cortisol spikes. I just don't.

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I don't like that aspect of being in New York City.

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I don't like that I don't have a doorman. That

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feels like I didn't realize it was gonna be such

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a problem because I never lived here before. But what

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that means is if I'm not home to receive a

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package when the little bell rings, I don't get the

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package and it just goes back to the warehouse or

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like the shipping center, FedEx or ups. And it's like,

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that's fine if it was indeed just dry shampoo all

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the time, But what's getting shipped right now are like

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couches and shelves and shit like that. Also, I'm furious

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about these chairs. The rage that burns within me pretty significant.

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Not gonna lie. I was really excited about these chairs. Anyway, Listen,

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nothing matters. We're all gonna die at the end of

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the day. Am I really going to remember that I

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even had chairs that matched my walls in New York City.

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I'm really not. What I am going to remember about

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New York City is what happened to me yesterday. I

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had to go to Ramoa. Oh the birds are backing,

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and I have to feed the birds. Are they're gonna

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get mad at me? In case you're wondering what codependent

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relationships have taken the place of the relationship that I

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was just in, the codependent relationship is the relationship I

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have made with the New York City birds. All right.

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When I was laying on my ear mattress when I

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first moved in, I was just a little like, did

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I make the right move? Did I is this the

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right call? And a cardinal landed on my fire escape,

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And I think cardinals are often spirit animals, like they

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come from you know. I think there's like some significant

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research on this. I don't think I'm the brainchild of this.

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Cardinals are are spirit animals. So I think maybe it

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was my mom or my grandma, are Big Eye or whoever,

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just reassuring me that I did the right thing. But

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I was like, oh my gosh, I should get a

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bird feeder, and then there's gonna be cardinals here all

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the time. Wrong. It's now I'm getting bullied by birds.

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I got a little bird feeder and there's these little

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shit birds. Little tousled. That's a word I've used before,

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and it's never been real, and it never will be,

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but I'm gonna continue to use it with they're tossled

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feathers like they've just got the shit kicked out of

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them on the subway. And they come and they stand

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on my fire escape and they yell at me until

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I feed their little filled their little bird dish up.

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And the problem is the bird dish wouldn't keep getting destroyed.

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But now the puge holes have found out about it.

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And there's big old battye pigeons. And when I tell you,

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every bird that comes here looks like they just can't

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flew out of a homeless shelter. I mean it is

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the most rough and tumble looking birds there's been nothing

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even remotely resembling a cardinal. But I love them. I

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love them. I love these ugly little shitty birds. And

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you know what, I like the pigeons too. I like

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all birds. I have reached. I've reached the big olde

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of I love a bird. There is a there's a

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turning point in one's life when they start to appreciate birds,

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and I don't know what it is, you just get

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captivated by their majesty. And I remember, right after I

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got divorced, I was dating this guy. He was like

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a few years older than me, and he was so

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into birds. He knew the name of every species. He

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would go bird watching. Wow a species and luxurious or

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words I cannot say today. He knew every species, he

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would go birdwatching, and I was like, this fucking dork.

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But he had a big old dong, so I was like, whatever,

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I don't give a fucking whatever. Dude, call me a

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cardinal and fuck me doggie style, like I do not care.

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But he was just like really into birds, and I

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was like, this guy's a fucking weirdo. And now I'm

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really into birds. And look a bird was outside just

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yelling at me, being like, where's the food, bitch? Because

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every day I fill up their little jar and little

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dish and every day it's gone by like four pm.

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Speaker 2: It's kind of cool.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. It's like a little ecosystem of shit

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birds outside of my my fire escape, outside of my window.

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I'm obsessed with my windows. I feel like I'm living

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in the trees. I'm on the third floor of the apartment,

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so I'm exactly at tree top level, and I'm just

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obsessed with this place. I didn't even know if I

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would like New York. I love New York. I am obsessed.

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So anyway, I was telling you I was going to

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Ramoa yesterday, which, by the way, what a scam. The

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scam of all scams is the Ramoa suitcase. They're like,

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it's the last piece of luggage you're ever gonna have

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to own because they claim to be unbreakable. I had

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mine for fucking six weeks and it broke. The wheel

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busted off it when I moved here, so when I

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was coming here with four suitcases and I never needed

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a wheel to move to work more, it broke. When

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I arrived at LaGuardia, the wheel on my Ramoa was broken.

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You know what wasn't broken My Samsonite, my swimmy Swammy

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Samsonite that I've had forever, which is just like an

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eighty dollars suitcase that is the highest quality suitcase I've

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ever had, and I could pack a dead body in

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that bitch. And my toomy that I've had forever. My

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toomy looks like it went to war. It is lime green,

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It has more sticker go on it than a fucking

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one of my trapper keepers in middle school.

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Speaker 2: It looks like shit, but it is a great suitcase.

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Speaker 1: This Ramoa. We fucking pop our pussy for this luxury suitcase.

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It breaks in six weeks and then I have to

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with a broken wheel, I can't wheel it across town.

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I now have to get an Uber to go to Ramoa,

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which is a fifty by the way, Uber's here the

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price couching in this city. I I'm ready to call

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the cops. Like it's fifty dollars to go anywhere in

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an Uber. The subway system is fine. I'm figuring it out,

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but I'm not like so comfortable that I'm like, I'm

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gonna take my Romoa to Soho. I'm not like there

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yet emotionally, mostly because I don't want to bother people

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by having a suitcase on a train, even though I

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know people have suit on the train. I just like,

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I don't know. I'm self conscious about like getting in

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people's way, and like New Yorkers are so intense, I

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don't want them to get mad at me. Anyway, whatever,

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long story, long as fuck. I go to Ramoa drop

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it off. They're like, oh, this is a brand new bag.

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We don't know how it broke. And I'm like, yeah,

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gee gee me neither. They're like, are you going anywhere soon?

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And I was like, yeah, I'm going to France on Friday,

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which I'll tell you guys that about that later. That

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was like a last minute decision I made. I'm being like,

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borderline insane. I don't know if I'm having a spiritual

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awakening or a manic episode, but either way, it's none

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of my business. I'm going to Santra pe Bach. Mama's

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getting a spray tand she's thrown a Bikinian and she's

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gonna go shake her ass at Nikki Beach, all right,

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Because I think the keyre for anything is France. Always,

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It's always France. France is just a nurturing place for

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my soul. Anytime I'm going through anything, I run away.

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I usually run away to Paris. I'm only spending two

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days in Paris. We're gonna go to Nice, as I've

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been calling it nice, very nice. My friends don't love

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that we're gonna go to Nice. We're gonna go to Santralpe.

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We're gonna go to z and then we're gonna go

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to Paris. And that's that anyway. So I dropped the

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suitcase off at Remo. I don't worry you, guys. I'm

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not losing my train of thought.

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Speaker 2: I was like, I'm gonna walk back.

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Speaker 1: It's been beautiful in New York the last couple of days.

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It is. The weather is perfect. It's like seventy five,

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seventy six, sunny, little breeze, perfect, perfect, perfect. So I

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get my little decaf lante. Mama loves a decaf latte, which,

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by the way, I watched her pour the lante. I've

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never watched anyone poor a latte before. And this is

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gonna let you know how stupid I can be. And

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I will admit to that. It's a latte is pretty

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much a cup of milk? Did we know this? Did

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everyone know that? We were just drinking milk? Like I

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clown my dad because he drinks out of the container

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like Vitamin D milk every morning.

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Speaker 2: I'm like disgusting, but that's low key.

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Speaker 1: What I've been doing. I watched her make it and

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it was just like all milk, and I was like, wait,

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wait wait, wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait, where's

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the other stuff. She's like, it's literally one shot of espresso.

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And I was like, oh not me, just drinking whole

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fat milk all these mornings, thinking I'm doing something. And

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here's the thing about me, I'm such an addict, right,

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I need like the plissy bo effect. I need to

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feel alive. I need to just feel like I'm a

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part of something. Like the ritual to me is so important,

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which is why I quit drinking caffeine a while ago.

235
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But I still love the ritual, like I still have

236
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my little coffee maker in my apartment. I wake up,

237
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I make myself a decaf a lot dae. My lattes

238
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are much different than the store bought ones. I do

239
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:28,159
like two shots of espresso and then whipped milk, and

240
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,320
it's more of like a half and half situation foamed milk.

241
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And that's you know, now that I say it out loud,

242
00:11:35,519 --> 00:11:38,039
that's not a lot day. That's something else. I don't

243
00:11:38,039 --> 00:11:40,000
know what it is. Again, none of my business. Nothing

244
00:11:40,039 --> 00:11:42,480
I do is any of my business. I'm just doing it.

245
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Speaker 2: Anyway.

246
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Speaker 1: You guys are like, she's gonna forget the point she's

247
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not gonna get there.

248
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Speaker 2: Don't worry. I'm getting there.

249
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:55,960
Speaker 1: So I'm walking back and I'm feeling myself. I have

250
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,679
this cute little outfit on right, this butter colored cream

251
00:11:59,759 --> 00:12:03,879
bagt a vest A real lesbian choice of mine, A

252
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,799
real don't fuck with me men choice of mine. I

253
00:12:06,879 --> 00:12:10,320
was like, strap my tits down like they are right now,

254
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,639
and a sports bra, duct tape my tits down, put

255
00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:17,799
a little lesbian vest on, and go for a stroll

256
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,840
in jorts and a vest I mean, did it look

257
00:12:20,879 --> 00:12:23,519
cute when it was together? It did, but it didn't

258
00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:26,159
look like I played for the team that would take Dick.

259
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,960
I'll be honest. I was like the cutest little lesbian

260
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,320
in fucking soho. I was living my best life. And

261
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:36,000
then one of the hottest men I've ever seen in

262
00:12:36,039 --> 00:12:39,720
my entire life walks by me, and I was like,

263
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:43,840
certainly he's gonna just pretend I'm dead or not acknowledge me.

264
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And he's on a phone call and he turns his

265
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:51,360
head to say in my ear good morning, and I

266
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:55,720
was like, oh, Hi, but he's walking this way. I'm

267
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walking that way, and so I was like, Oh, that's

268
00:12:58,279 --> 00:13:01,320
just gonna be like oh, a cute, cute little passing. Right,

269
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,279
I turn around. I do a double take, which I

270
00:13:04,679 --> 00:13:06,879
it's been a long time since mama's done a double take.

271
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:11,279
Like someone's got to be really fucking hot. And he

272
00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:13,639
was doing a double take at the same time, and

273
00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:16,240
he was like, let me call you back, hangs up

274
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,960
his phone call and is like, good morning. He has

275
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,960
the most New York accent of all time. He's tall,

276
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:29,320
he's handsome, he has dark hair, piercing blue eyes, just Stonin,

277
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:35,519
just a Stonin man. And I'm like, I love New

278
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,679
York City. And he said, I'm going to get a haircut.

279
00:13:38,759 --> 00:13:40,759
After I get a haircut, do you want to grab food?

280
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,960
And I was like, I'm really busy today, and I am,

281
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,519
I was really busy. He's like, I'm really busy today.

282
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,759
I'm really busy the next few days and then I

283
00:13:48,879 --> 00:13:52,679
leave for France and he was like all right, well,

284
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,679
He's like, let me get your phone number. I give

285
00:13:55,759 --> 00:13:58,000
him my phone number and he's like, are you sure

286
00:13:58,039 --> 00:14:00,279
you don't have time for a slice, Like I'll just

287
00:14:00,279 --> 00:14:02,240
just a quick slice. And I was like, I'm slammed.

288
00:14:02,279 --> 00:14:03,759
He's like, but I want you to be slammed with

289
00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:07,519
something else, and I was like, oh, not this man

290
00:14:07,559 --> 00:14:11,000
trying to seal the deal in under forty five minutes.

291
00:14:11,039 --> 00:14:14,559
It was a level of testosterone and masculinity I haven't

292
00:14:14,639 --> 00:14:18,600
encountered in so long because I lived in La the

293
00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:22,080
land of the Soy boys, the land of the is

294
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,320
he gay or is he gay? Because he's fucking gay?

295
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:28,240
Like that is what I'm used to. Men being more

296
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:32,080
obsessed with themselves than with women not shooting their shot.

297
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:36,919
Like this city is filled with testosterone and it feels

298
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,519
dangerous and exciting all at the same time. And now

299
00:14:40,639 --> 00:14:43,919
I just you know, I didn't I didn't have sex

300
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,919
with him because I was like, that's not appropriate behavior.

301
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,120
That's not something that someone's on a healing journey would do.

302
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,919
It feels like a hard detour from a healing journey.

303
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,600
And I will tell you that that much is that

304
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,480
I'm just not ready and I don't want to, so

305
00:14:58,759 --> 00:15:02,759
I'm not going to. I will be ready soon. I

306
00:15:02,799 --> 00:15:04,799
was actually talking to THEO about this because I went

307
00:15:04,799 --> 00:15:06,480
down to Nashville, which I'm gonna tell you more about

308
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,159
this in the Patreon because some of it's tea. But

309
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,720
I went down to Nashville and there was this guy

310
00:15:12,759 --> 00:15:15,840
that was hitting on me down there, and you know,

311
00:15:15,919 --> 00:15:17,919
he's really cool and he's a friend of Theo's. And

312
00:15:19,279 --> 00:15:20,879
I was like, I don't think so, Like my heart

313
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,320
is still broken, you know, I need to like heal

314
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,440
a little more. And he was like, well, don't take

315
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,200
the rest of your life healing, honey, And that was

316
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:33,279
such good advice, because I really it's such a different

317
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:36,080
experience having to heal from a relationship that ended that

318
00:15:36,159 --> 00:15:39,320
had truly nothing to do with you. Like, I don't

319
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,759
think there's a ton of like I need to like reflect,

320
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,679
and like, here's the thing I do need to reflect

321
00:15:43,679 --> 00:15:48,159
and understand why I why I attracted someone like that,

322
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:55,879
Why I allowed someone like that to I don't want

323
00:15:55,919 --> 00:15:58,120
to say, I don't want to say anything negative about

324
00:15:58,399 --> 00:16:02,519
the relationship, because it happened for a reason and I

325
00:16:02,559 --> 00:16:04,360
know that. But like, the only thing I really need

326
00:16:04,399 --> 00:16:08,120
to look at is like why did I Why did

327
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,919
my body tell me so clearly that that was not

328
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,879
a match and I ignored it and I went full

329
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,919
steam ahead, And why did I do? I think that's

330
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,639
the healing I need to do. It's more why did

331
00:16:21,679 --> 00:16:24,159
I ignore my body? Why did I ignore my gut?

332
00:16:24,279 --> 00:16:30,639
Why did I ignore them? Many times he so clearly

333
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,720
let me know that was he was not my person,

334
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,039
and I let him convince me that he was. That's all.

335
00:16:36,159 --> 00:16:38,159
I don't think there's like a ton of like, oh,

336
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,240
I'm like some broken, shattered, fucking piece of shit person,

337
00:16:41,399 --> 00:16:45,919
Like I don't have like such a heavy heart anymore. Honestly,

338
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:50,559
I feel pretty good about everything. I feel at peace

339
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,960
with everything. I feel like it all happens for a reason.

340
00:16:53,039 --> 00:16:57,440
Everything happens for a reason. And unfortunately, I think the

341
00:16:57,519 --> 00:16:59,759
reason is going to be like some of the best

342
00:16:59,759 --> 00:17:04,440
common you've ever written in my life. Unfortunately, it's just

343
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:08,400
really gonna be a banger of an hour. But I

344
00:17:08,519 --> 00:17:12,200
just really needed and appreciated that advice of don't spend

345
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,640
too much time healing. It's like, you don't want to

346
00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:18,160
keep yourself in the misery and the pity and the

347
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:22,960
sadness of a breakup when ultimately in the relationship you

348
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,400
didn't do anything wrong, you know. And I think there's

349
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:31,559
different lengths of time and healing for people in different

350
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:33,839
levels of relationships. And I would call that a level

351
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,559
one relationship. I mean, I thought it was a level ten.

352
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,559
I for sure thought it was a level ten, but

353
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,480
I think it was a level one. I think for

354
00:17:40,519 --> 00:17:44,039
whatever reason, I got twisted upside down and backwards, and

355
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:47,440
I thought it was a much more impactful and meaningful

356
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,680
relationship than it ever was. And I think it was

357
00:17:49,759 --> 00:17:52,400
just there for a brief period of time to teach

358
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,519
me something. And I think I learned the lessons. And

359
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,440
you know, one of the big ones is like do

360
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,519
I love myself enough to walk away? And the answer

361
00:17:58,559 --> 00:18:02,319
is yes, and so so it's exciting to me because

362
00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:08,640
I feel emotionally open to dating, which is like a

363
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,720
good place to be in. Am I downloading the apps? No?

364
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:17,119
Am I running? Am I running to that guy's house

365
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,279
to fuck him after meeting him on the street. No,

366
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:23,240
I'm not doing insane things. I'm not actively trying to

367
00:18:23,279 --> 00:18:28,079
get my feelings hurt again. What I'm doing is going

368
00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:30,720
to Sentrope. I'm just gonna go to the south of

369
00:18:30,759 --> 00:18:33,880
France and shake my ass, babe. And I think, you

370
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:43,559
know what, in its own sense, that is healing And.

371
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,119
Speaker 2: Is it a good financial decision.

372
00:18:42,319 --> 00:18:45,720
Speaker 1: That's a different conversation completely in one I don't really

373
00:18:45,759 --> 00:18:48,599
want to have with you guys, because I did notice

374
00:18:48,599 --> 00:18:50,920
someone commented they're like, how do you afford two reds

375
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,839
and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And

376
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:58,240
someone said plastic surgery too. I don't. I don't. I

377
00:18:58,279 --> 00:19:00,559
haven't had plastic surgery. I've had injections out the ass

378
00:19:00,559 --> 00:19:02,680
and lasers and shit, but I've never had plastic surgery.

379
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,799
Not yet. I mean, I'm up into it. But someone

380
00:19:05,839 --> 00:19:07,799
was like, how do you afford all this in Trump's economy?

381
00:19:07,799 --> 00:19:11,319
And girlfriend, I don't, Bestie, let me sit you down

382
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:15,839
and tell you a secret right now. I fucking don't don't.

383
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,559
I don't know anyone who is. I'm so fucking lucky

384
00:19:18,599 --> 00:19:21,880
that I had a really big, fat career in advertising

385
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,519
before I got into comedy because I was able to

386
00:19:24,559 --> 00:19:27,319
save money. And let me tell you, I have decimated

387
00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:32,359
my savings. It is in Smitherines in Palm Beach. My

388
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:35,559
savings account is in smytherings in Palm Beach. I'll tell

389
00:19:35,599 --> 00:19:38,119
you what. I have spent more money this year than

390
00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:43,279
I'm comfortable with admitting, between Biggie's end of life surgeries

391
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,880
and moving twice and getting no support financially from the

392
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,559
fucking loser bitch I was dating. I mean I just

393
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,000
I'm hanging on by a fucking thread right now. But

394
00:19:56,039 --> 00:19:58,200
here's the thing. I have faith. I have a ton

395
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,279
of faith that something amazing is gonna happen. I keep

396
00:20:00,319 --> 00:20:02,160
waking up every day and I'm like, something amazing it's

397
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,160
gonna happen. And I'm not even trying to brainwash myself.

398
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,599
I really actually believe that. You guys know me. You know,

399
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:12,279
I'm not like misoptimistic, you know. You know I'm not

400
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,240
the bubbliest bitch in the bunch. But I just have

401
00:20:16,559 --> 00:20:20,799
this feeling energetically of alignment that everything is happening exactly

402
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:24,440
the way it's supposed to. I've had more synchronicity and

403
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:28,160
meetings and opportunities and things come up in the few

404
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,759
weeks I have been in New York, then came up

405
00:20:29,799 --> 00:20:32,839
in the past year or maybe more, you know, and

406
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,319
it's like things that are gonna amount to nothing. Like

407
00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:37,160
I got an audition for this TV show and it's

408
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,000
a bunch of twenty somethings that live in a one

409
00:20:39,039 --> 00:20:41,480
bedroom that has six rooms, like you know, it's like

410
00:20:41,559 --> 00:20:45,319
six roommates living in a one giant, one bedroom apartment whatever.

411
00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:47,359
And I go to audition for it, and I'm like, literally,

412
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,000
I could have given birth to half of the people

413
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,799
auditioning here, like, yes, I would have been teen mom,

414
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:54,440
I would have had them at fifteen, but I could

415
00:20:54,559 --> 00:20:58,640
actually be their moms. And I took that audition knowing

416
00:20:58,759 --> 00:21:01,079
nothing's gonna come of it, and I'm like, why not, Like,

417
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,599
let's just go have some fun. Let's go audition for

418
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,319
the role we know we're not right for. Let's just

419
00:21:06,519 --> 00:21:09,200
energetically like show the universe that we're gonna show up

420
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,599
and we want to do this thing. And you know,

421
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,200
and here's the thing. At the end of the day,

422
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,839
when I was looking around that waiting room, I was like,

423
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:21,559
my injector is going to be thrilled that we got

424
00:21:21,559 --> 00:21:26,319
this audition. Doctor Eric Anderson is going to be doing

425
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,680
backflips that we even got in this room, because when

426
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:35,160
I tell you, they were all between eighteen and twenty six,

427
00:21:35,279 --> 00:21:39,960
maybe at the very very oldest, and then me, me,

428
00:21:40,519 --> 00:21:42,839
the big old age of thirty seven. I was sitting

429
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:47,359
there like this isn't gonna happen, but I loved. I

430
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:49,680
love that I'm here and energetically like I'm going to

431
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,160
show the universe where I want to be in what

432
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,559
I want to do, and there's just been a ton

433
00:21:53,559 --> 00:21:55,559
of synchronicity in New York. I'm excited for all the

434
00:21:55,559 --> 00:21:58,480
stage time that I'm gonna get. I'm just like so

435
00:21:58,799 --> 00:22:02,359
genuinely excited to figure out this new hour. I did

436
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,000
it in Raleigh, and I did it in Nashville, and

437
00:22:06,519 --> 00:22:10,000
I loved the Raleigh show, like I thought, I blew

438
00:22:10,039 --> 00:22:12,559
the fucking roof off Raleigh. We had so much fun.

439
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:17,319
I I just it felt like a tour de force.

440
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,119
It was so fun. And then Nashville was fine, but

441
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:23,799
I was I was running on one hour of sleep,

442
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,160
so I was exhausted. I did not sleep in Raleigh

443
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,839
at all. I was staying at this a loft. The

444
00:22:28,839 --> 00:22:32,039
bed was horribly uncomfortable. The pillows felt like a bunch

445
00:22:32,039 --> 00:22:34,079
of pebbles. It was like, is someone gonna come beat

446
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:36,000
me with this? Or is there other bars of soap

447
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,279
in here? Am I in a prison yard? Are you

448
00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:39,240
gonna jump me in I'm get raped in the ass?

449
00:22:39,279 --> 00:22:41,920
Is that what's going on here? None of that was

450
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,480
going on. It was just a bad bed as shitty

451
00:22:43,519 --> 00:22:46,599
hotel and that's all. And so it kind of robbed

452
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,359
me of my peace of mind for the Nashville show.

453
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,920
Everyone that went loved it so much. I didn't share

454
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:56,799
that experience, but I'm glad everyone else had fun. It's

455
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,960
really an interesting thing when you're trying to metabolize heartbreak

456
00:23:00,079 --> 00:23:03,920
and pain and trauma and turn it into comedy. And

457
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:09,240
I've said this before where there's audiences are so emotionally intelligent.

458
00:23:09,279 --> 00:23:11,680
They can tell if you're okay. And I think in Raleigh,

459
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,000
I was okay because I had slept well. I was

460
00:23:14,039 --> 00:23:15,920
so excited to be there. I was like, We're gonna

461
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:19,880
fucking We're gonna turn this shit. You know, We're gonna

462
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,799
turn this trauma into some fucking great comedy. And I

463
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,599
was so excited about it. And then in Nashville, because

464
00:23:26,599 --> 00:23:28,160
I was running on no sleep. And by the way,

465
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,599
running on no sleep, I know it's a torture technique

466
00:23:30,599 --> 00:23:34,359
and it should be, because, oh my god, a lack

467
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,240
of sleep is the devil's work. And I have been

468
00:23:37,279 --> 00:23:39,319
having a tough time sleeping because I'm on a busy

469
00:23:39,319 --> 00:23:44,359
street in Chelsea, and yeah, it's just been it's been

470
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,799
a tough adjustment for my body, for my physical body,

471
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,200
not to mention my emotional body, not to mention I'm

472
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:55,920
actually going back down on my lexapro. I had gone

473
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,440
up when I was in Palm Beach because I was

474
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,640
so fucking miserable and I was really handling the situations

475
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,039
that were being thrown at me not well, and so

476
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,440
I went I went up to ten milligrams when I

477
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,079
was in Palm Beach, and then after talking to my

478
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:11,440
therapist about it, I just decided to go back down

479
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,440
to five miligrams. And one of the side effects of

480
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:18,519
that of going back down is insomnia and anxiety. And

481
00:24:18,559 --> 00:24:21,279
I've been having like this crazy body anxiety where I

482
00:24:21,279 --> 00:24:23,519
feel like my soul is gonna pop out of my toes,

483
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:26,680
Like it's like there's like this like pressure of just

484
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:30,119
like this well of anxiety. But I've read into it

485
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,839
this is all temporary, this is all part of the

486
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:34,920
process of just getting back down to five. And I

487
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,519
just felt like more myself when I was on five.

488
00:24:37,599 --> 00:24:40,359
I think ten really kind of numbed me out. Honestly,

489
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:41,920
I just have no idea who the fuck I was

490
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,720
when I was living in Palm Beach, Like that version

491
00:24:43,759 --> 00:24:48,400
of me I'm not real proud of. I. I don't

492
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:51,319
really know what to say. There's gonna be amends I

493
00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:56,279
have to make there's I made a fucking mess emotionally

494
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:59,240
and were some things done wrong to me? Yeah? Absolutely,

495
00:24:59,279 --> 00:25:00,960
But does that mean that you get to like go

496
00:25:02,039 --> 00:25:04,319
kick a fucking shit fist fit and make a mess

497
00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:08,279
and drag people to hell. No, I'm just like not

498
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:10,200
proud of the version of myself that I was there,

499
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:11,960
and I can tell that when I'm here, I'm going

500
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,119
to become a version of myself that I'm really excited about.

501
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,480
So I think things are trending in the right direction.

502
00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:21,960
And then I had a total like aha, god moment

503
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:27,759
in Nashville where Okay, so David Tel was working in

504
00:25:27,799 --> 00:25:29,759
the big room and I was in the lab, which

505
00:25:29,799 --> 00:25:34,799
is the side room. And Davidtel is an interesting part

506
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:38,640
of my comedy journey in that he is the person

507
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:41,880
who introduced me to stand up comedy. I wasn't super

508
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,559
aware it existed. So this was the and this is

509
00:25:44,559 --> 00:25:46,680
what I think the gateway, the pipeline for most of

510
00:25:46,759 --> 00:25:49,000
us millennials was into comedy.

511
00:25:49,079 --> 00:25:49,599
Speaker 2: Dane Cook.

512
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:53,200
Speaker 1: Dane Cook. All my friends were like, rah, we loved

513
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,240
Dane Cook. I saw Dane Cook and I was like, whoa,

514
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:58,200
this is like crazy, what an electric and cool career.

515
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,359
And then I remember I let, I was like, I

516
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:01,720
like Dane Cook, so I was like, I'm gonna see

517
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:03,920
where else Dane Cook is and David Tel had the

518
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,279
Insomniac Tour and it was Dane Cook, David Tel, Greg Giraldo.

519
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,839
I got my hands on that DVD, and when I say,

520
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:14,079
I probably watched it one hundred times. It was so

521
00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:17,079
profound to me, and Dane Cook was on the back burner.

522
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:19,279
I didn't give a fuck about Dane Cook anymore. David

523
00:26:19,279 --> 00:26:22,880
Tel and Greg Giraldo were so special to me. I

524
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:25,319
thought Greg Giraldo was a fucking genius. He made me

525
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:29,799
laugh harder than anyone has ever made me laugh. When

526
00:26:29,839 --> 00:26:32,119
he died, I was so sad, but I wasn't. I

527
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,079
had no idea I could be a stand up right.

528
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:38,279
I just saw these guys doing something that was cool

529
00:26:38,319 --> 00:26:40,960
and funny. And I remember there was a darkness about

530
00:26:41,599 --> 00:26:45,799
Greg Giraldo and Dave Attel that I really gravitated to.

531
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:47,839
I remember Dane Cook being like light and fluffy and

532
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,759
like la la la la la, and Dave and Greg

533
00:26:50,799 --> 00:26:56,200
were both Greg was super fucking intelligent. Dave also highly intelligent.

534
00:26:56,279 --> 00:26:58,720
But there was just like this darkness to them that

535
00:26:58,759 --> 00:27:03,240
I was that I really gwvitated too. And so I

536
00:27:03,279 --> 00:27:05,839
was leaving my show in the lab in Nashville and

537
00:27:06,279 --> 00:27:08,680
I was talking to these guys outside of the main

538
00:27:08,759 --> 00:27:10,200
room and they're like, oh, did you meet Dave? And

539
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:12,519
I was like, no, but I don't know him, so

540
00:27:12,559 --> 00:27:14,000
I'm not going to go in there. And they're like, no,

541
00:27:14,079 --> 00:27:17,200
he wants to meet you, and so they took me

542
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:19,039
in and he's like, oh, hey, I'm Dave. I love

543
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,559
this joke of yours, Like this is so smart, this

544
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,359
is so funny. Do you want to do a spot

545
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,880
on my show tomorrow night? And I just had a

546
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,839
moment where I was like, would you look at God?

547
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,880
It was so profound to me. And I'm like getting

548
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,599
emotional because I think there's just like a little girl

549
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:43,359
version of me that's sitting on my dad's floor in Waterford,

550
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:46,680
Wisconsin watching the insomniac who are thinking like, these guys

551
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:49,000
are rock stars, their jobs are the coolest jobs in

552
00:27:49,039 --> 00:27:55,839
the world. I can't imagine a life like that. And

553
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,200
now for this person to have the generosity of spirit

554
00:27:59,599 --> 00:28:03,839
to go look at who's performing in the lab, look

555
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:07,279
at my stuff, have a joke of mine to reference

556
00:28:07,319 --> 00:28:12,119
when we meet, and to just be so generous and

557
00:28:12,279 --> 00:28:16,680
kind was really I felt like a godwink. It was

558
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:18,519
God being like, you're doing the right thing, You're in

559
00:28:18,559 --> 00:28:21,119
the right place at the right time, and everything is

560
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:26,039
gonna be good. And then I did his show and

561
00:28:26,079 --> 00:28:27,839
it was great, and I felt so bad because he

562
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,160
like calls comedians up on stage after a show, and

563
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,599
I couldn't stay because I had to go grab THEO

564
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,440
from the airport. He was coming back from the Mexico

565
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,079
game and he was at like a World Cup game

566
00:28:37,079 --> 00:28:39,319
in Mexico, and I had to go grab and like,

567
00:28:39,599 --> 00:28:41,440
I just felt bad because I couldn't stay and I

568
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,680
couldn't do the thing. And he had invited me to dinner,

569
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:47,839
you know, after the Friday night, like after you know,

570
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:49,720
we did a show, and I just I felt bad

571
00:28:49,759 --> 00:28:51,440
that I couldn't show up in the capacity that I

572
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:53,359
wanted to as a comedian. But like, I just felt

573
00:28:53,359 --> 00:28:56,519
so deeply honored that he took the time to be

574
00:28:56,640 --> 00:29:00,480
so kind, and it was just one of the moments

575
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:04,960
where I'm like, all right, and we're gonna keep going.

576
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:08,240
We're gonna keep going. You know, this this career is

577
00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:11,880
so fucking can be dogg eat dog and hard as fuck.

578
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:13,920
And just like when you're on the road alone and

579
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:18,519
you don't know you know where you are or what

580
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:21,359
you're doing, why you're doing it, what's the purpose of

581
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,200
all of this? And then there are just little moments

582
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,440
of synchronicity that make you realize, oh, no, everything is

583
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,359
happening the way it's supposed to do. Everything is happening,

584
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,880
Everything happens for a reason, and you're exactly where you're

585
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:33,640
supposed to be. And I think that was just a

586
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,759
really nice That was a really nice moment for me

587
00:29:36,839 --> 00:29:43,880
to have. I actually saw something the other day that

588
00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:45,359
really made me laugh that I want to tell you

589
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:49,400
guys about, which is that the final step of healing

590
00:29:49,599 --> 00:29:53,000
is becoming a bitch. And I really resonated with this,

591
00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:56,039
right because I have done and I'm by the way,

592
00:29:56,079 --> 00:29:58,279
I'm not saying I'm at the final steps of healing.

593
00:29:58,319 --> 00:29:59,799
I'm obviously I just had a melt down about the

594
00:29:59,799 --> 00:30:01,839
color my chair, and I'm still having a meltdown about it.

595
00:30:01,839 --> 00:30:03,319
By the way, I'm looking at the feedback on the

596
00:30:03,319 --> 00:30:06,119
camera and I'm like, this is I cannot believe there's

597
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,640
share is the same color as the wall, I'm going

598
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:14,559
to cry anyway. I think the final step of healing

599
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:17,359
is being a bitch. I really do, because I think

600
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:23,759
that you have to be so boundaried to be able

601
00:30:23,839 --> 00:30:26,400
to accept that you're going to be the villain in

602
00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:31,920
people's story. The people who are not willing to admit

603
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:35,079
what they did to you or how they might have

604
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,599
impacted you, they need to make you the villain. And

605
00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:40,880
I think we all do this, and I, you know,

606
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,839
I always try and whenever I'm being accusatory about someone

607
00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:46,359
making me the villain, I look at times where I

608
00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:48,559
have made other people the villain. And I'm not perfect.

609
00:30:48,599 --> 00:30:50,640
My hands are not clean in this either. You know.

610
00:30:50,799 --> 00:30:53,839
I think it's human nature to try and rewrite stories

611
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:56,240
so that we're not the bad guy. So I don't

612
00:30:56,279 --> 00:30:59,200
think anyone has, you know, a mental disorder or they're

613
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:01,400
a bad person and if they're trying to like rewrite

614
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:03,880
a narrative where they're not the bad guy. But I

615
00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:09,359
do think it's it's it's pertinent to understand that you

616
00:31:09,559 --> 00:31:11,640
have to be okay with being the villain. You have

617
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:13,720
to be okay with being the bad the bad guy

618
00:31:13,799 --> 00:31:16,880
in some people's story because they are not going to

619
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:20,200
have the accountability or the culpability to be the villain.

620
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:23,559
And they're not going to have the growth or the

621
00:31:23,599 --> 00:31:28,640
maturity to take accountability and apologize and admit, you know,

622
00:31:28,799 --> 00:31:32,160
who they were in the story for real. And I

623
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:35,400
think people are gonna think you're a fucking bitch if

624
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:38,039
you stand up for yourself, if you speak the truth,

625
00:31:38,119 --> 00:31:42,079
if you say what's right or what's right in your eyes.

626
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:43,680
You know, it can be wrong in their eyes, right

627
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:45,720
in their eyes or wrong. You know what I'm saying.

628
00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:47,720
It can be wrong in their eyes and right in

629
00:31:47,759 --> 00:31:50,200
your eyes. There is no real I mean, there's a sense,

630
00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:53,119
there's an overall sense of morality right, but there is

631
00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:55,839
no real right and wrong. Like we're all varying shades

632
00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:59,519
of everything. But but I just do think that, like,

633
00:31:59,599 --> 00:32:02,640
you have to be okay with being a bitch, and

634
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:04,400
you have to be okay. And this is something I've

635
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:06,039
been struggling with. This is why I'm saying it to

636
00:32:06,039 --> 00:32:08,039
you guys, because every time I say anything out loud,

637
00:32:08,079 --> 00:32:11,920
I'm usually struggling with it. I don't like that there's

638
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:15,079
a version of the story where I'm a fucking villain.

639
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:19,640
I don't like that I can't explain my side of

640
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,000
the story to people who have painted a different picture

641
00:32:22,039 --> 00:32:24,519
of me. But the reality is, if they didn't ask

642
00:32:24,559 --> 00:32:26,599
for my side of the story, then the picture that

643
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:28,559
was painted to them is the one that they wanted

644
00:32:28,599 --> 00:32:32,720
to accept. So you have to be able to accept

645
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,920
that you're the fucking bad guy in a lot of

646
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,759
people's stories and you're not the people pleaser in you.

647
00:32:38,119 --> 00:32:41,519
Is not going to be able to make everyone love you,

648
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:46,400
care about you, see your side, think you're right. This

649
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:48,799
is something you have to let go of, right and spiritually.

650
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:52,000
One of the most evolved things we can be is

651
00:32:52,079 --> 00:32:56,480
not concerned with what people view us as the perception

652
00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:59,200
of the outside world is something that is none of

653
00:32:59,200 --> 00:32:59,799
our business.

654
00:33:00,079 --> 00:33:02,279
Speaker 2: Oh god, this is It gives me like a fucking

655
00:33:02,319 --> 00:33:02,839
heart attack.

656
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,480
Speaker 1: It gives me an actual fucking heart attack every time

657
00:33:05,559 --> 00:33:08,680
I have someone at my door. But yeah, all I

658
00:33:08,759 --> 00:33:10,160
was saying is you have to be okay with being

659
00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:12,319
the bad guy in some some people's stories. You know,

660
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:18,960
like this unhealthy obsession with everyone knowing your truth, your

661
00:33:19,039 --> 00:33:22,640
version of events, this, that, and the third. It's none

662
00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:24,599
of the It's none of my business. At the end

663
00:33:24,599 --> 00:33:26,920
of the day, what you think of me is your business.

664
00:33:27,039 --> 00:33:31,039
And you know, the greatest evolution of self is to

665
00:33:31,079 --> 00:33:33,480
not care about the perception, to not care about what

666
00:33:33,519 --> 00:33:35,799
the fuck people think of you, and to genuinely not care,

667
00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:38,519
not to pretend that you don't care, but to genuinely

668
00:33:38,559 --> 00:33:41,000
not care and not be bothered, not be concerned by

669
00:33:41,359 --> 00:33:45,200
Because I had something plagging me recently where I know

670
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:49,680
a story going around about me is not true, and

671
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:55,000
that makes me furious. But at the end of the day,

672
00:33:55,119 --> 00:33:57,920
everyone gets to tell their own story, and everyone gets

673
00:33:57,920 --> 00:33:59,839
to have their own version of events, and the people

674
00:33:59,880 --> 00:34:02,119
in their circle and in their lives are going to

675
00:34:02,839 --> 00:34:08,239
believe to be true their version of events. And that's okay,

676
00:34:08,599 --> 00:34:10,360
that's okay. At the end of the day, it all

677
00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:11,760
comes out in the wash. And if it doesn't come

678
00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:13,519
out in the wash, it comes out in the rinse, bitch,

679
00:34:13,559 --> 00:34:14,239
all right, So.

680
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,519
Speaker 2: Just let God take care.

681
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:22,079
Speaker 1: Of everything, Let Karma do its thing, because like I've

682
00:34:22,079 --> 00:34:24,760
said a million times, Karma doesn't miss a fucking doorstep. Okay,

683
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:32,519
Karma does not miss a fucking doorstep. And and that's that.

684
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,719
And that's all, folks, that's that's it. On that I

685
00:34:35,719 --> 00:34:37,159
think we all just have to be okay with being

686
00:34:37,199 --> 00:34:39,159
the bitch. We gotta be okay with being the bitch.

687
00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:42,880
And some people start in like people are gonna paint

688
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,480
you as the villain because they cannot take accountability, and

689
00:34:45,519 --> 00:34:47,719
that's okay, Like what is someone really gonna do? Go

690
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:50,280
around and be like, oh my god, not what they're anymore?

691
00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:51,199
Is they cheated on her?

692
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:52,159
Speaker 2: No, of course not.

693
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:55,639
Speaker 1: They have to invent a new story. And you know

694
00:34:55,679 --> 00:35:03,480
who doesn't participate in reality people with mood disorders. People

695
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:07,119
with mood disorders like narcissism and bipolar don't participate in

696
00:35:07,159 --> 00:35:12,079
right reality. So also there's a huge ego component too, Right,

697
00:35:12,159 --> 00:35:15,639
there's a huge ego component of us wanting the world

698
00:35:15,679 --> 00:35:18,400
to see and perceive us a certain way and knowing

699
00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:25,199
that certain information will dam or bastardize the version of

700
00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:27,119
ourselves that we want the world to believe we are.

701
00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:35,320
So you got a just you just gotta let it roll, Bay,

702
00:35:35,679 --> 00:35:39,239
let it roll, besties. I will say this, I didn't

703
00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:42,280
think at this big age in my life, I would

704
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:45,920
be using any meany miney mo so much to make decisions.

705
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:48,719
You guys, it is making most of my decisions any

706
00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:52,199
meani miney, most of my decisions santrapez yes or no

707
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:56,760
fucking yes, fuck the guy on the street, Nope, what

708
00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:02,360
to eat? Yep, like every like, I just it is shocking.

709
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:10,599
How little what's the word I'm looking for? It's a

710
00:36:10,639 --> 00:36:13,159
word and it's right there, and it's on the tip

711
00:36:13,159 --> 00:36:15,719
of my tongue, but I don't know it because autonomy

712
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:19,280
is not the right word. How little, how few decision

713
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,239
making skills I really have. I've just been I think

714
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:25,719
my nervous system is so shocked from all the changes

715
00:36:25,760 --> 00:36:28,119
right now that I'm like, I cannot decide between sushi

716
00:36:28,119 --> 00:36:30,760
and pizza. That's a crazy thing to ask of a girl.

717
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:33,639
So now a lot of it is Eni media minemo

718
00:36:33,719 --> 00:36:35,519
and someone is like, well, you know, that's like formulaic

719
00:36:35,519 --> 00:36:37,800
and you can decide it. But I haven't figured out

720
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,519
the formula yet. I haven't figured it out, and I

721
00:36:40,559 --> 00:36:42,719
don't want to because it's making all my decisions and

722
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:46,159
it's doing a pretty good job. So if you're in

723
00:36:46,199 --> 00:36:49,119
a gym, just use Eni media minimo. Tell Alexa to

724
00:36:49,159 --> 00:36:53,079
flip a coin, just, do you know, leave it to fate.

725
00:36:53,679 --> 00:36:56,119
I think, and I guess Enie meanie Manuma is not

726
00:36:56,119 --> 00:37:01,199
fat whatever anyway, I will say going to Nashville really

727
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:03,360
was a big turning point for me. I felt like

728
00:37:03,519 --> 00:37:07,239
very healed after that. There's something about my friendship with

729
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:14,480
THEO that just feels so nurturing and special, and he's

730
00:37:14,559 --> 00:37:18,079
just so kind and wonderful and caring and also like

731
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:21,519
funny and you know, can make a joke of anything.

732
00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:25,320
So I just feel so lucky to have that friendship

733
00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:28,119
and to have him to kind of check me, keep

734
00:37:28,159 --> 00:37:31,639
me in check. I'm going to talk a little bit

735
00:37:31,639 --> 00:37:34,840
more about Nashville on the Patreon because some fun things

736
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:39,440
did happen, but they don't feel like they're for public consumption.

737
00:37:39,559 --> 00:37:42,199
Even though I've had the argument that Patreon is public,

738
00:37:43,119 --> 00:37:45,599
I will die on a hill that it's not. And

739
00:37:45,639 --> 00:37:47,800
then their counter argument was like, are you telling me

740
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:49,880
that Netflix isn't public because you can pay for Netflix?

741
00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:51,840
And I was like, you're making a really good point,

742
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,840
but I'm still gonna die on this bucket. I'm still

743
00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:57,880
gonna fucking die on this hill that people have to

744
00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:01,639
pay to hear me talk a dish little shit. It's

745
00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:04,360
not just out there. You gotta pay the big bucks.

746
00:38:04,679 --> 00:38:06,000
And by the way, all of you who have joined

747
00:38:06,039 --> 00:38:07,480
the Patreon, I love you so much. I feel like

748
00:38:07,519 --> 00:38:10,840
we're a little family. I'm so grateful for you, and

749
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:13,159
I'm so grateful to have that like portion of our

750
00:38:13,199 --> 00:38:15,880
week to just hang out with each other and you know,

751
00:38:16,079 --> 00:38:19,679
talk more shit. And I have some like juicy fun

752
00:38:19,719 --> 00:38:22,199
stuff for today. But I told you I'm being a

753
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:26,400
heeled bitch and being am I. I'm doing my best

754
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:28,239
to be as healed as possible and not talk shit

755
00:38:28,239 --> 00:38:32,719
on the podcast anymore. How am I doing? You guys

756
00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:37,480
can tell me later. I will say this. Did I

757
00:38:37,559 --> 00:38:39,559
say this already? The price gouging in New York City

758
00:38:39,639 --> 00:38:44,719
is out of control. It's absolutely out of control. I

759
00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:46,719
was gonna get groceries delivered the other day because I

760
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:48,559
wanted to make this healthy soup before I go to

761
00:38:48,599 --> 00:38:50,360
San Trepez. I was like, I need my waistline. I

762
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:53,760
can't find it. I can't find it. Has anyone seen it?

763
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:57,400
Turns out no, nobody's seen it. But I was gonna

764
00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:03,559
make this soup, and I was on Instacart shopping at

765
00:39:03,559 --> 00:39:07,880
this place called west Side Market. Bay leaves. Bay leaves

766
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:11,000
were thirteen dollars. I'm like, you mean the mythical things

767
00:39:11,039 --> 00:39:13,760
we throw in soup and nobody's sure if they actually

768
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:18,280
do anything at all? Those are thirteen dollars. Are you

769
00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:21,159
guys on fucking crank? What are you smoking? And can

770
00:39:21,199 --> 00:39:25,679
I have some? And then eggs fifteen dollars? And I

771
00:39:25,679 --> 00:39:27,000
was like, hey, man, do you want to shit in

772
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:30,519
my fucking mouth? I don't know. This feels illegal. All

773
00:39:30,639 --> 00:39:34,199
everything feels illegal. I'm gonna call the police and or

774
00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:37,199
Mundani because I probably can get his private line, like

775
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:41,519
this is who can afford to live here? Who can

776
00:39:41,559 --> 00:39:44,960
afford this shit? It's crazy? And so I didn't want to,

777
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:46,920
but I you know, I didn't want to schlep again.

778
00:39:47,039 --> 00:39:49,840
But Trader Joe's is my saving grace. It is the

779
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,039
only reason I'm gonna be able to eat in this town.

780
00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:54,840
It's because eggs there are four dollars, and bay leaves

781
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:57,000
are four dollars like they should be like at Like

782
00:39:57,679 --> 00:40:02,119
who cranked those prices up ten dollars each? That's crazy,

783
00:40:03,039 --> 00:40:06,320
It's fucking crazy. Anyway, I'm doing great. I can't wait

784
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:07,920
to go to santra Pez. The next time you guys

785
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:09,559
see me, I will be in a hotel in santra

786
00:40:09,639 --> 00:40:13,440
Pez and we're gonna bootstrap a little episode together. Because

787
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:16,239
you know me, Mom's going on vacation, but I'm taking

788
00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:19,320
my besties. I'm taking my babies. Pack your bags, grab

789
00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:24,559
your passports. We're going to santrape honeys. Okay, you guys,

790
00:40:24,639 --> 00:40:25,920
There's one more thing I want to talk to you

791
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:27,320
guys about before we leave.

792
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:29,840
Speaker 2: Before we leave, because we're all going together, we're all no.

793
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:31,400
Speaker 1: I do have to go. I have to go get

794
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:33,119
a spray TN and a blowout and do all of

795
00:40:33,159 --> 00:40:35,440
the things before I leave for sant Trope. I'm leaving

796
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:38,480
to Brown Night. I still have to pack. Oh my god,

797
00:40:38,519 --> 00:40:41,039
I need a personal assistant. I need someone else to

798
00:40:41,159 --> 00:40:44,159
just do my life for me. But there's one thing

799
00:40:44,159 --> 00:40:46,599
I want to talk about, and I'm gonna say right now,

800
00:40:46,599 --> 00:40:49,440
there's spoilers. Here's there's spoilers here. If you guys haven't

801
00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:53,280
watched Maternal Instinct, turn the podcast off if you want

802
00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:55,679
to watch it, because I need to talk about this

803
00:40:55,880 --> 00:41:00,480
motherfucking documentary. This is the most haunted, fucking documentary ever

804
00:41:00,519 --> 00:41:03,000
seen my entire life. And I was trying to tell

805
00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:04,440
a friend the other day to watch it. I was like,

806
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:09,079
you have to see this. It's the most unhinged documentary

807
00:41:09,159 --> 00:41:11,480
I have ever seen in my entire life, and she's like,

808
00:41:11,599 --> 00:41:13,360
isn't that the one where a woman like kills a

809
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:15,679
baby or something? And I was like, yes, but that's

810
00:41:15,679 --> 00:41:19,760
not even really the problem, Like that's not even top

811
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:24,199
ten of the problems here. So basically, the documentary starts,

812
00:41:24,199 --> 00:41:26,280
and this isn't a spoiler. It starts with this woman

813
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,880
getting pulled over. She has a baby in her lap

814
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:32,280
and she's covered in blood. She goes to the hospital.

815
00:41:32,679 --> 00:41:36,000
The blood's not hers, the baby's not hers, and she said,

816
00:41:36,039 --> 00:41:39,159
she just gave birth to this baby. The baby's dead.

817
00:41:40,559 --> 00:41:43,239
Then this whole documentary pops the fuck off about this

818
00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:47,320
woman who is basically just this fucking pathological liar, and

819
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:52,760
she couldn't physically have babies anymore. She had already had two,

820
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:55,400
and she had a hysterectomy, and she was with this

821
00:41:55,440 --> 00:41:58,519
guy who didn't they they hadn't been together that long,

822
00:41:58,519 --> 00:42:01,039
but he wanted her to be in love and he was.

823
00:42:01,159 --> 00:42:03,079
She was like, Oh, if I get pregnant with this kid,

824
00:42:03,119 --> 00:42:06,880
he'll love me. And then she like buys a fake

825
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:10,480
pregnancy belly and does all this durain shit, like you

826
00:42:10,519 --> 00:42:13,559
want to talk about committing to the fucking bit like

827
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:15,840
I think we could all commit to the bit more

828
00:42:15,960 --> 00:42:17,800
like this documentary taught me.

829
00:42:18,079 --> 00:42:21,119
Speaker 2: That we could all be fucking crazier.

830
00:42:21,639 --> 00:42:25,280
Speaker 1: We have not been letting our freak flags fly, and

831
00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:29,199
we need to a little bit. Like this woman faked

832
00:42:29,199 --> 00:42:32,360
an entire pregnancy, And then I won't completely give away

833
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:37,239
what happens, but like this bitch plotted and plotted and plotted,

834
00:42:38,039 --> 00:42:38,599
and then.

835
00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:41,920
Speaker 2: All right, I'm gonna say it.

836
00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:44,920
Speaker 1: She fucking murders a woman who's pregnant and cuts the

837
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:47,480
baby out of her and is trying to pretend it's

838
00:42:47,480 --> 00:42:50,880
her baby. In what world is that ever gonna work?

839
00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:53,000
In what world is that gonna fly? And I think

840
00:42:53,039 --> 00:42:55,639
we can all just be crazier. And she had a

841
00:42:55,679 --> 00:42:58,199
long history of lying. She had a long history of

842
00:42:58,199 --> 00:43:00,760
pathological lying about illness, which which is just something that I

843
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,760
think is so interesting because this is something my mom did.

844
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:08,400
My mom would often fake illnesses because I think there's

845
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:11,440
a medical term for it. I could be wrong. This

846
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,000
is when it would be nice if Mike was here.

847
00:43:13,039 --> 00:43:15,199
I think it's called malingering. I could be wrong, though,

848
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:17,360
When you have a mental illness but you're not getting

849
00:43:17,519 --> 00:43:19,559
the attention you want for the mental illness, so you

850
00:43:19,559 --> 00:43:22,039
fake a physical illness because what you want is sympathy

851
00:43:22,039 --> 00:43:25,559
and attention, and you want that because of your mental illness,

852
00:43:25,559 --> 00:43:27,159
but you're not getting it. So you're like, oh, if

853
00:43:27,199 --> 00:43:30,440
I have cancer, I will get the attention I need.

854
00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:32,519
My mom at one point was saying she had lung cancer.

855
00:43:32,559 --> 00:43:34,599
She never had lung cancer. She had and maybe in

856
00:43:34,679 --> 00:43:37,320
bacterium infection, which is like a lung disease, but she

857
00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:42,159
didn't have lung cancer. And it's just such an interesting

858
00:43:42,199 --> 00:43:44,960
phenomenon to me, these people that will just go to

859
00:43:45,079 --> 00:43:48,360
such great lengths to get attention instead of just going

860
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:51,199
to therapy. I'm like, hey, babe, take yourself to the

861
00:43:51,199 --> 00:43:55,199
fucking therapist, pop your little tush in a therapy chair,

862
00:43:55,239 --> 00:43:57,039
and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you

863
00:43:57,079 --> 00:43:59,000
before you cut a baby out of a woman to

864
00:43:59,039 --> 00:44:01,400
pretend it's yours so guy will say he loves you

865
00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:02,559
when he never loved you.

866
00:44:04,599 --> 00:44:05,760
Speaker 2: It really stresses me out.

867
00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:08,199
Speaker 1: The whole documentary gave me nightmares and stressed me the

868
00:44:08,199 --> 00:44:10,360
fuck out, So if you don't want nightmares or to

869
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:11,880
be stressed, I wouldn't watch it. And also I just

870
00:44:11,960 --> 00:44:13,920
ruined the whole documentary for you. So I'm so sorry.

871
00:44:14,079 --> 00:44:15,679
I'm so sorry, but I did tell you to turn

872
00:44:15,679 --> 00:44:20,039
the podcast off if you wanted to watch it. Bruh,

873
00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:22,920
that documentary gave me nightmares. Like I told you, I'm

874
00:44:22,920 --> 00:44:28,519
already not sleeping right now. Insomnia is a motherfucker. I mean,

875
00:44:28,599 --> 00:44:31,840
a good night's rest can really cure anything, you know.

876
00:44:32,039 --> 00:44:34,079
I was so excited. Last night was my first night

877
00:44:34,079 --> 00:44:35,760
where I was like, I'm not gonna take any sleeping

878
00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:37,559
pills to sleep. I'm just gonna sleep. I don't have

879
00:44:37,639 --> 00:44:39,559
anything to do this morning. I'm just gonna get through

880
00:44:39,599 --> 00:44:41,480
the night. I'm gonna fucking raw on it. And I

881
00:44:41,519 --> 00:44:43,679
fell asleep on my own, by the grace of God.

882
00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:46,880
And then a fly that got into my apartment decided

883
00:44:48,199 --> 00:44:50,599
it was fucking on. Like Donkey Kong, this fly kept

884
00:44:50,599 --> 00:44:52,280
fucking landing on me. I kept getting think, I was

885
00:44:52,639 --> 00:44:55,800
getting thinking I was getting bit by mosquitoes. I forgot

886
00:44:55,800 --> 00:44:59,119
about mosquitoes, you guys. I am from Wisconsin. So this

887
00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:01,199
weather that's going on in New York right now is

888
00:45:01,320 --> 00:45:05,760
very similar to Wisconsin. Like hot Summer's Buggy, Muggy, the

889
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:09,159
whole nine. I'm so spoiled. I'm so used to living

890
00:45:09,159 --> 00:45:11,639
in la where it's just seventeen two and seveny all

891
00:45:11,679 --> 00:45:15,039
the time. The weather's perfect, there's no bugs, there's nothing

892
00:45:15,079 --> 00:45:18,199
going on. Nature's not trying to fuck with you. This

893
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:20,800
whole city's trying to fuck with me. Oh. Another thing

894
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:23,559
I will say is the trash trucks. It feels like

895
00:45:23,559 --> 00:45:26,000
an inside job. The garbage trucks, it feels like nine

896
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:30,239
to eleven. I'll be honest, like it feels like an attack.

897
00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:32,639
I think they come every night. I don't think they

898
00:45:32,639 --> 00:45:34,559
have a night off. And it's like between three and

899
00:45:34,599 --> 00:45:37,639
four in the morning, they're just like dorshe doushsh like

900
00:45:37,719 --> 00:45:41,800
banging outside of my windows. I'm like, what, I understand

901
00:45:41,880 --> 00:45:44,199
that this city is filled to the brim with trash,

902
00:45:44,199 --> 00:45:45,480
and I don't know what they're doing with the trash.

903
00:45:45,559 --> 00:45:47,039
I think they're just sending it off to sea. I

904
00:45:47,039 --> 00:45:49,800
think there's I'm pretty sure there's a floating island of

905
00:45:49,920 --> 00:45:52,280
trash shit in the middle of the Hudson. I'm not

906
00:45:52,599 --> 00:45:54,320
and I know the Hudson's not the sea, but you

907
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:56,280
know what I'm saying, I'm pretty sure there's a trash

908
00:45:56,280 --> 00:45:59,159
island somewhere. I wonder what the rent's like. There. I

909
00:45:59,199 --> 00:46:01,440
wonder if it's che to live there, because maybe I'll

910
00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:04,639
move to Trash Island and just become one with the trash,

911
00:46:05,519 --> 00:46:08,480
return to my roots. You know, wants a trash bitch,

912
00:46:08,519 --> 00:46:13,599
always a trash bitch. And uh so, yeah, that's it.

913
00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:15,840
That's all I've got for this week. I know it's

914
00:46:15,840 --> 00:46:19,199
a short episode. I'm sorry, I'm cramming. I'm struggling to

915
00:46:19,239 --> 00:46:22,159
get this shit done. If you are doing the artist's

916
00:46:22,159 --> 00:46:26,280
way with me, I'll come on the little journey with

917
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:28,679
me to do the artist's way. If not, besties and

918
00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:31,400
you want a little more tea, come to the Patreon

919
00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:34,239
because the Patreon is where it's mother the fucking at.

920
00:46:34,679 --> 00:46:37,480
And I'm in there and I'm responding to your comments.

921
00:46:37,519 --> 00:46:39,039
And if you guys have any questions, if you want

922
00:46:39,039 --> 00:46:41,880
to DM me anything, I'm in there. I'll respond. I'll

923
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:44,559
say what's up. I'll kikey with you guys about whatever.

924
00:46:45,199 --> 00:46:47,760
I have nothing better to do. The next week I

925
00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:49,280
might be a little touch and go because I will

926
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:53,679
be in Santralpe. But after that I am free, like

927
00:46:53,719 --> 00:46:56,360
a bird, free like my little trash shit birds that

928
00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:59,639
are on my balcony that I love so much. These

929
00:46:59,639 --> 00:47:02,239
birds are little spirit animals. And you know what, every

930
00:47:02,239 --> 00:47:04,119
once in a while, I'm just ripping a sig talking

931
00:47:04,159 --> 00:47:05,920
to a pigeon. And that is what my life is

932
00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:07,880
looking like in New York City, babes. But I do

933
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:10,119
have to stop smoking cigarettes. It's getting old, and I'm

934
00:47:10,159 --> 00:47:13,000
it's gonna make me old. It's gonna age. It's aging

935
00:47:13,079 --> 00:47:15,320
me like the devil, and.

936
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:18,400
Speaker 2: I'm like wheezing. I'm like, it's not a vibe.

937
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:20,639
Speaker 1: But anyway, besties, I love you so much, thanks for

938
00:47:20,679 --> 00:47:23,800
hanging out with me and my monochrome apartment and chairs.

939
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,559
And I'll, you know, have a panic attack about it

940
00:47:26,559 --> 00:47:32,199
next week, I'm sure. Okay, Week nine of the Artist's Way,

941
00:47:33,639 --> 00:47:37,320
you guys, we are recovering a sense of compassion this week.

942
00:47:37,360 --> 00:47:39,000
And you know what, I didn't read this chapter, so

943
00:47:39,039 --> 00:47:41,559
I have to do that right now. Bye. All right,

944
00:47:41,599 --> 00:47:45,280
you guys. Did I have a nuclear mental breakdown earlier

945
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,079
about the color of these chairs? I sure did? But

946
00:47:47,119 --> 00:47:49,960
then guess what. I contacted Quints the place I got

947
00:47:49,960 --> 00:47:52,960
them from, and they're like, we can just swap them

948
00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:55,239
out for the tope ones and we'll come get these.

949
00:47:56,039 --> 00:47:58,199
And I was like, would you look at God? That

950
00:47:58,320 --> 00:48:01,840
is just another moment, you guys. I had body anxiety earlier.

951
00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:04,719
I almost canceled my trip to France because I was like,

952
00:48:05,119 --> 00:48:07,960
I can't go to France when I look like I'm levitating,

953
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:10,000
when I look like I'm a Laddin on a magic

954
00:48:10,079 --> 00:48:14,119
fucking carpet doing this podcast. So anyway, I gotta blow out.

955
00:48:14,159 --> 00:48:17,000
I emailed Quints and now everything's fine, baby girls, going

956
00:48:17,039 --> 00:48:19,280
to France. We're not gonna worry about the fucking chairs

957
00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:21,239
that match the walls. We're not gonna have a mental

958
00:48:21,239 --> 00:48:24,199
breakdown like that again. And that is something that I

959
00:48:24,239 --> 00:48:27,280
need to put in my godbox and just remember next

960
00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:30,960
time i'm having a fucking freak out, a fucking panic attack.

961
00:48:31,599 --> 00:48:33,239
And for those of you who don't know what a

962
00:48:33,239 --> 00:48:37,320
godbox is, godbox is a place you put a situation

963
00:48:38,119 --> 00:48:40,400
that worked out for you, just find but you freaked

964
00:48:40,400 --> 00:48:44,280
out about it in the moment. So this one's going

965
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:47,800
in the godbox. And yeah, soon it's gonna look better.

966
00:48:47,920 --> 00:48:50,559
The production on this podcast will be higher quality. I'm

967
00:48:50,639 --> 00:48:53,199
very sorry you guys that were in the shit together

968
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:56,360
like this, but you know what, at least we're together

969
00:48:56,920 --> 00:49:01,960
and I love that, all right, you guys, come hop

970
00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:04,280
on over to the patreon. Mama's got tea for you.

971
00:49:04,360 --> 00:49:07,360
I want to hang out with you. And the hill

972
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:09,519
I will die on is that the patreon's not public

973
00:49:09,519 --> 00:49:11,320
because you have to pay to get there, you know.

974
00:49:12,159 --> 00:49:16,639
And uh so it's not public, it's private. It's just

975
00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:19,719
the three of us having a sleepover because we're girls

976
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:22,599
and we're braiding each other's hair. That's what's going on

977
00:49:22,679 --> 00:49:24,960
in the Patreon. We're braiding each other's hair and telling

978
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:29,000
each other's secrets and it's a safe space. And I think, oh,

979
00:49:29,239 --> 00:49:31,199
I think I got the ops out of there. I

980
00:49:31,239 --> 00:49:32,800
think I got the ops out of there. I don't

981
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:34,000
know if I got the ops out of there, But

982
00:49:34,039 --> 00:49:39,519
come join us on the Patreon, and I have for

983
00:49:39,519 --> 00:49:41,119
those of you doing the Artist's Way with me. I

984
00:49:41,119 --> 00:49:43,039
do have the Artist's Way, and we're gonna do that

985
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:47,119
because I promised you that we would. Where's my book?

986
00:49:48,800 --> 00:49:51,800
Speaker 2: Ah, life is so hard? I found it.

987
00:49:52,480 --> 00:49:55,039
Speaker 1: Mike. I know you were so worried about me. I

988
00:49:55,079 --> 00:49:58,079
wonder if Mike even watches this. I don't think he does. Anyway,

989
00:49:58,119 --> 00:50:00,360
you guys, we are on week nine for the Artist Way.

990
00:50:00,719 --> 00:50:07,159
Bestie is recovering a sense of compassion this week is

991
00:50:07,679 --> 00:50:13,159
so important. Okay, so we name our behavior incorrectly. If

992
00:50:13,159 --> 00:50:15,280
we're an artist that wants to create and we don't,

993
00:50:15,280 --> 00:50:17,960
we often call ourselves lazy. But we're not lazy. We're

994
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:20,320
blocked and we have to move through those blocks with

995
00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:22,320
compassion in order to get to the other side in

996
00:50:22,400 --> 00:50:26,320
order to make anything. So this is not merely an

997
00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:30,039
accurate it's cruel saying that that's laziness. It's cruel. Accuracy

998
00:50:30,079 --> 00:50:33,280
and compassion serve us far better. Being blocked and being

999
00:50:33,320 --> 00:50:36,400
lazy are two different things. The blocked artist spends energy

1000
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:41,599
on self hatred, on regret, grief, and on jealousy. Do

1001
00:50:41,760 --> 00:50:45,119
not call the inability to start laziness. Call it fear,

1002
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:48,119
because that's what it is. We're fucking afraid, right. It's

1003
00:50:48,159 --> 00:50:51,880
fear of failure, fear of success, most importantly, fear of abandonment,

1004
00:50:51,920 --> 00:50:54,480
fear that we create something from our hearts and people

1005
00:50:54,559 --> 00:50:58,159
don't like it. I struggled with this immensely when I

1006
00:50:58,199 --> 00:51:00,880
first started stand up full time. I'm like, I pour

1007
00:51:01,119 --> 00:51:03,920
my soul out on stage and when people don't like it,

1008
00:51:03,920 --> 00:51:06,360
it hits different because I'm not like Jerry Seinfeld. I'm

1009
00:51:06,400 --> 00:51:09,519
like Oh, what I noticed about public restrooms is da

1010
00:51:09,599 --> 00:51:12,320
da da, You know, Like, no, I'm like, my mom

1011
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:15,239
killed hers all three days before my wedding. And when

1012
00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:18,440
people don't laugh at that, I'm like, I just I

1013
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:22,119
feel completely exposed. So there is a fear of putting

1014
00:51:22,159 --> 00:51:24,679
something out there that people don't like. And if it's

1015
00:51:24,719 --> 00:51:27,880
so special to you and so you're so vulnerable that

1016
00:51:27,920 --> 00:51:32,079
if they don't like it right away, then perhaps we

1017
00:51:32,119 --> 00:51:36,199
could be in a bit of a pickle. Right. Fear

1018
00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:39,239
has its roots in childhood reality. Most blocked artists tried

1019
00:51:39,280 --> 00:51:41,719
to become artists against either parents good wishes or their

1020
00:51:41,719 --> 00:51:45,000
parents good judgment. For youngsters, this is quite a conflict.

1021
00:51:45,360 --> 00:51:49,519
So this is interesting. My experience is actually different. I

1022
00:51:49,559 --> 00:51:55,920
didn't become a creative person out of I wasn't rebelling

1023
00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:58,679
against my parents, right, Like, my dad always wanted me

1024
00:51:58,719 --> 00:52:00,519
to have a nine to five and to have stability.

1025
00:52:00,719 --> 00:52:03,000
My mom always was like, you're going to be the

1026
00:52:03,000 --> 00:52:06,360
most famous person in the world, And there was such

1027
00:52:06,440 --> 00:52:09,280
a crushing amount of pressure to be good at things

1028
00:52:09,280 --> 00:52:11,920
that I genuinely was not good at. Like she would

1029
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,039
drive me to Chicago once a week to go to

1030
00:52:14,079 --> 00:52:16,000
acting classes, and I stunk.

1031
00:52:16,119 --> 00:52:18,159
Speaker 2: I was so bad. I didn't know what I was doing.

1032
00:52:18,519 --> 00:52:21,480
Speaker 1: I didn't even feel like literally, for the first thirteen

1033
00:52:21,559 --> 00:52:23,000
years of my life, I didn't feel like I was

1034
00:52:23,039 --> 00:52:26,519
even in my body, like I didn't connect to myself.

1035
00:52:26,559 --> 00:52:28,920
I couldn't connect to people around me. I couldn't connect

1036
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:30,559
to an audience when I was on stage.

1037
00:52:30,639 --> 00:52:32,320
Speaker 2: I just and I.

1038
00:52:32,320 --> 00:52:35,199
Speaker 1: Really had such a complicated relationship with my mom that

1039
00:52:35,239 --> 00:52:37,440
whatever she wanted for me, I did not want. So

1040
00:52:37,559 --> 00:52:41,119
I spent my life rebelling against everything my mom wanted

1041
00:52:41,159 --> 00:52:44,679
for me. My mom worked out twenty four to seven.

1042
00:52:44,800 --> 00:52:47,159
She ate healthy, she had a bit of an eating disorder,

1043
00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:50,960
and she wanted me to be a fucking actress. And

1044
00:52:51,000 --> 00:52:53,559
I was like, I'm going to eat McDonald's all the time.

1045
00:52:53,599 --> 00:52:55,400
I'm never gonna work out again after I'm done with

1046
00:52:55,480 --> 00:52:59,719
high school volleyball, and I'm going to get a day job.

1047
00:53:00,079 --> 00:53:04,440
And I did all those things, and I accidentally found creativity.

1048
00:53:04,599 --> 00:53:09,199
I didn't think, Oh, I'm some creative person that's like

1049
00:53:09,400 --> 00:53:12,000
dying to break out of this shell. But what I

1050
00:53:12,039 --> 00:53:14,280
did find is when I worked in advertising and I

1051
00:53:14,360 --> 00:53:17,199
was writing, I didn't like that the clients told me

1052
00:53:17,239 --> 00:53:20,039
what was good and what wasn't good. I liked being

1053
00:53:20,639 --> 00:53:25,000
I liked being my own north Star. So that's how

1054
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:27,079
I found it. I found it by happenstance. But a

1055
00:53:27,079 --> 00:53:29,559
lot of blocked creatives are people that wanted to be

1056
00:53:30,079 --> 00:53:33,320
creatives and their parents urged them to not be, and

1057
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:35,599
then you know, they do it against their parents will,

1058
00:53:35,679 --> 00:53:37,599
and then you have to be great, right, And then

1059
00:53:37,639 --> 00:53:39,159
you have in your mind, I have to be great.

1060
00:53:39,199 --> 00:53:40,480
I have to be the best singer. I have to

1061
00:53:40,480 --> 00:53:42,280
be the best writer. I have to be the best director.

1062
00:53:42,280 --> 00:53:44,599
I have to be the best, best, best, because if

1063
00:53:44,599 --> 00:53:46,400
I'm going to rebel, I have to be the best.

1064
00:53:46,639 --> 00:53:50,119
And that is such a high bar that it's hard

1065
00:53:50,119 --> 00:53:54,920
to get started when your expectation is to be the best, right,

1066
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:57,440
because then you're just setting yourself up for this crushing

1067
00:53:57,559 --> 00:54:00,400
level of disappointment. And I have done that in my

1068
00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:04,599
life before. Where I launched right after the right before

1069
00:54:04,639 --> 00:54:06,760
the pandemic, I launched something called Ho to Go, which

1070
00:54:06,800 --> 00:54:09,559
was this brand. It was like an overnight bag for

1071
00:54:09,639 --> 00:54:12,079
girls who went out to clubs, went home with dudes,

1072
00:54:12,159 --> 00:54:13,760
and in the morning you have to like wake up

1073
00:54:13,800 --> 00:54:16,199
and put dress and your dress and your heels on

1074
00:54:16,239 --> 00:54:18,039
and you have like crusty makeup on your face and

1075
00:54:18,039 --> 00:54:20,039
you don't have to, like it's a bad place to

1076
00:54:20,039 --> 00:54:22,400
be in. So the HO to Go bag was like leggings,

1077
00:54:22,400 --> 00:54:27,360
t shirt, sunglasses, makeup, wipe, advil, hair tie, little jewelry pouch,

1078
00:54:27,440 --> 00:54:29,760
a tote for your bag from thee for your clothes

1079
00:54:29,760 --> 00:54:32,000
from the night before, like flip flops. It was like

1080
00:54:32,039 --> 00:54:33,920
this whole thing. And I was like, I'm going to

1081
00:54:34,039 --> 00:54:37,559
be on Forbes list next year. I'm gonna look out

1082
00:54:37,679 --> 00:54:40,000
Kylie Jenner because I'm going to be on Forbes list.

1083
00:54:40,320 --> 00:54:42,199
Guess what I wasn't. And then the pandemic hit and

1084
00:54:42,239 --> 00:54:45,000
hoes were not going, hose were held hostage, and I

1085
00:54:45,039 --> 00:54:48,760
had to donate all of those bags to a women's shelter.

1086
00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:53,880
And here's the thing, because my expectations of success were

1087
00:54:53,880 --> 00:54:56,280
so high that when I didn't hit those marks, it

1088
00:54:56,320 --> 00:54:58,880
felt crushing. There was no greater failure in my life

1089
00:54:58,880 --> 00:55:01,719
than How to Go, and I felt so sad. But

1090
00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:04,880
when your expectations are just to start and just to

1091
00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:07,280
get in the mix, then all you ever are is

1092
00:55:07,320 --> 00:55:10,000
pleasantly surprised. And that has been my experience with comedy

1093
00:55:10,079 --> 00:55:11,599
is I just wanted to get in the mix. I

1094
00:55:11,639 --> 00:55:13,800
just wanted to throw my hat in the ring and

1095
00:55:13,880 --> 00:55:15,719
let everyone know that I had one or two things

1096
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:18,599
to say. I didn't have expectations to be the best,

1097
00:55:18,719 --> 00:55:20,639
or to be the greatest, or to be anything.

1098
00:55:21,239 --> 00:55:21,519
Speaker 2: You know.

1099
00:55:22,119 --> 00:55:26,199
Speaker 1: I have no lofty goals, and not in like an

1100
00:55:26,239 --> 00:55:28,639
impending doom way, even though that is my brand, just

1101
00:55:28,679 --> 00:55:32,519
in like a I don't. I do not expect to

1102
00:55:32,599 --> 00:55:35,239
be the highest paid comedian. I don't expect to be

1103
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:37,760
in the conversation of the top ten. I don't have

1104
00:55:37,800 --> 00:55:40,119
any of those expectations. I just want to speak my

1105
00:55:40,239 --> 00:55:43,440
truth and whoever it resonates with and whoever it helps heal,

1106
00:55:43,639 --> 00:55:46,599
those are my people, and that's it. That's the only

1107
00:55:46,639 --> 00:55:49,599
reason I'm creating in this field, and so I think

1108
00:55:49,639 --> 00:55:53,000
that's important. So yeah, what I said is the need

1109
00:55:53,039 --> 00:55:54,440
to be a great artist makes it hard to be

1110
00:55:54,440 --> 00:55:56,599
an artist. The need to produce great work of art

1111
00:55:56,639 --> 00:56:00,159
makes it hard to produce any art at all. You

1112
00:56:00,199 --> 00:56:02,320
need help from your higher power, from your friends, from

1113
00:56:02,360 --> 00:56:06,000
everyone in order to get anything out. For me and

1114
00:56:06,079 --> 00:56:09,639
my first special, you know, how to Housewife? I called

1115
00:56:09,679 --> 00:56:12,719
everyone I knew from advertising, and I said homies were

1116
00:56:12,760 --> 00:56:15,400
phoned in a favor, can we throw this special together?

1117
00:56:15,880 --> 00:56:19,119
And I had some friends like bootstrap it, and it

1118
00:56:19,119 --> 00:56:24,280
it went great. Like I was talk about synchronicity, the

1119
00:56:24,400 --> 00:56:27,079
universe lined up with that and was like yes, the

1120
00:56:27,079 --> 00:56:31,119
clips went viral, like the numbers were great. Everything, everything

1121
00:56:31,159 --> 00:56:34,679
worked way beyond my wildest dreams of how I ever

1122
00:56:34,760 --> 00:56:38,960
expected it to work. And then here's the other thing.

1123
00:56:38,960 --> 00:56:45,480
We need. Enthusiasm, right, Enthusiasm is in the short it's

1124
00:56:45,519 --> 00:56:48,360
talking about discipline here right, Like discipline is important, but

1125
00:56:48,519 --> 00:56:52,159
enthusiasm is really what you need. By its very nature.

1126
00:56:52,199 --> 00:56:55,440
Discipline is rooted in self admiration. We admire ourselves for

1127
00:56:55,519 --> 00:56:58,960
being so wonderful. But over any extended period of time,

1128
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:01,639
being an artist requires enthusiasm more than discipline. It's a

1129
00:57:01,679 --> 00:57:04,840
spiritual commitment, a loving surrender to our creative process, a

1130
00:57:04,880 --> 00:57:08,119
loving recognition of all of the creativity around us. Enthusiasm

1131
00:57:08,199 --> 00:57:10,880
from the Greek word filled with God, is an ongoing

1132
00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:13,400
energy supply. It tapped into the flow of life, itself

1133
00:57:13,679 --> 00:57:17,679
grounded in play. And here's the thing I will hear

1134
00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:21,119
people out for the case that discipline is important. I

1135
00:57:21,159 --> 00:57:23,280
really think it is important. I think if you sit

1136
00:57:23,320 --> 00:57:26,079
down to write once a week or twice a week

1137
00:57:26,159 --> 00:57:27,920
or four times a week. However many times you sit

1138
00:57:27,960 --> 00:57:30,639
down to write, something will come out. You cannot wait

1139
00:57:30,679 --> 00:57:32,800
to be inspired all the time. You do need to

1140
00:57:32,840 --> 00:57:34,480
have a bit of discipline, and there does need to

1141
00:57:34,480 --> 00:57:36,440
be a bit of a schedule. But what needs to

1142
00:57:36,440 --> 00:57:39,199
come with that is enthusiasm, which is the energy to

1143
00:57:39,239 --> 00:57:42,360
bring something beautiful to life. And just remember your inner

1144
00:57:43,159 --> 00:57:45,519
artist is a child and it needs to be treated

1145
00:57:45,559 --> 00:57:47,320
as such. And the only way to really get kids

1146
00:57:47,360 --> 00:57:49,159
to do anything is to play. And so you just

1147
00:57:49,199 --> 00:57:51,280
have to remember to be playful. Even though it might

1148
00:57:51,280 --> 00:57:53,599
be a little bit structured, there does need to be

1149
00:57:53,719 --> 00:57:57,840
a sense of play, and just be cognizant for creative

1150
00:57:57,920 --> 00:58:00,320
U turns. You know, when you're about to reach success

1151
00:58:00,400 --> 00:58:02,079
or when you're about to put something out and you

1152
00:58:02,119 --> 00:58:04,239
want to fucking turn around, You want a board ship,

1153
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:06,679
you want to burn it to the fucking ground. Look out,

1154
00:58:06,800 --> 00:58:11,360
because that is that's fear, that that's a blurt, that's

1155
00:58:11,360 --> 00:58:14,199
something that you you don't want. When I was about

1156
00:58:14,239 --> 00:58:16,440
to put out How to Housewife, I emailed my manager

1157
00:58:16,480 --> 00:58:18,199
and said, I don't want to put this out anymore.

1158
00:58:18,559 --> 00:58:21,440
I'm going through a divorce. I'm not a housewife. None

1159
00:58:21,440 --> 00:58:24,039
of this is true, and I don't want this to exist,

1160
00:58:25,280 --> 00:58:28,519
and he respectfully told me to fuck off. He said, respectfully,

1161
00:58:28,840 --> 00:58:31,119
we have the deal, we have the launch date. It's happening.

1162
00:58:32,199 --> 00:58:35,159
We're putting it out. And thank god for that, because

1163
00:58:36,119 --> 00:58:38,280
left my own defenses, I would not have put out

1164
00:58:38,280 --> 00:58:41,559
How to Housewife. I would have not put out Horney.

1165
00:58:41,840 --> 00:58:43,840
You guys know how much I fucking hated that special.

1166
00:58:44,760 --> 00:58:47,599
The only special I would have put out is Sorry Dad,

1167
00:58:47,639 --> 00:58:52,159
which is the least viewed special. So it's just interesting.

1168
00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:54,599
Just just remember you do not always know what's best,

1169
00:58:54,679 --> 00:58:56,960
and if there's if you're getting close to creating something

1170
00:58:57,079 --> 00:59:00,000
or accomplishing something and you try and steer the show

1171
00:59:00,320 --> 00:59:04,960
so it crashes onto the shore, just no, just no,

1172
00:59:05,079 --> 00:59:09,000
that's very normal, but just don't do it. So you

1173
00:59:09,079 --> 00:59:10,960
got to blast through your blocks right in order to

1174
00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:12,880
work really on a project, and artists must be at

1175
00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:16,360
least functionally free of resentment, which is anger, and resistance,

1176
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:19,079
which is fear. Remember your artist is a creative child.

1177
00:59:19,119 --> 00:59:22,920
It sulks, throws tantrums, hold grudges, harbor's irrational fear. Like

1178
00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:25,320
most children, it's afraid of the dark. The Boogeyman and

1179
00:59:25,360 --> 00:59:30,199
the Adventure that isn't safely scary. Your artist's parent and guardian.

1180
00:59:30,239 --> 00:59:34,199
It's big brother, warrior and companion. It falls to you

1181
00:59:34,639 --> 00:59:39,119
to convince your artists it's safe to come out and play. So, yeah,

1182
00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:42,639
you guys, it's week nine. We're fucking cruising here. I'm

1183
00:59:42,679 --> 00:59:44,800
so proud of you guys for doing this. I know

1184
00:59:44,840 --> 00:59:47,880
there's at least ten of us doing it. Don't forget

1185
00:59:47,920 --> 00:59:51,119
your tasks, don't forget your artists days dates, don't forget

1186
00:59:51,159 --> 00:59:53,320
your morning pages. I'm gonna be so honest. I haven't

1187
00:59:53,360 --> 00:59:57,199
been doing morning pages because no, because nothing. Because I

1188
00:59:57,239 --> 00:59:59,480
haven't been doing them because I don't know where my

1189
00:59:59,559 --> 01:00:01,599
journals are in all of my boxes. And I ran

1190
01:00:01,639 --> 01:00:04,159
out my journal that I was journaling and ran out

1191
01:00:04,159 --> 01:00:05,519
the second I moved to New York, and so I

1192
01:00:05,559 --> 01:00:07,880
haven't been doing that. And just because I said it

1193
01:00:07,880 --> 01:00:09,519
out loud, I'm going to start tomorrow. I'm going to

1194
01:00:09,559 --> 01:00:11,639
open these last four boxes and I'm going to find it.

1195
01:00:12,639 --> 01:00:14,559
If you're doing the work, I'm really proud of you. Besties.

1196
01:00:15,679 --> 01:00:17,639
DM me let me know you're at how it's feeling,

1197
01:00:17,679 --> 01:00:19,480
what's shaking loose? Some of you have sent me some

1198
01:00:19,559 --> 01:00:23,400
really cool messages about things that have happened in synchronicity

1199
01:00:23,559 --> 01:00:26,639
and thoughts, feelings, all the things. So just let me

1200
01:00:26,719 --> 01:00:30,039
know how it's going. Besties, Okay, I love you so much.