WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:09.080 This is pod popular podcast for the people the Great 2 00:00:09.400 --> 00:00:15.119 Love Debates. It's great love debate, a great love debate. 3 00:00:16.039 --> 00:00:19.039 It's a great love debase. Hey guys, So a few 4 00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:21.519 weeks ago I told everyone that I was going through 5 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:23.519 I don't know, a bit of a health challenge and 6 00:00:23.559 --> 00:00:26.079 I have to have some surgery. So while I never 7 00:00:26.120 --> 00:00:30.079 miss releasing an episode ten years, ten years, five hundred episodes, 8 00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:31.800 I never miss uh, it means that every once in 9 00:00:31.839 --> 00:00:33.600 a while I might have to drop a rerun and 10 00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:37.399 revisit some of the episodes that still resonate or they're 11 00:00:37.399 --> 00:00:40.079 still relevant, and that we may need to do a 12 00:00:40.119 --> 00:00:43.399 bit of a rewind to look back on. Today's one 13 00:00:43.439 --> 00:00:46.159 of those. This is one of those episodes. I really 14 00:00:46.240 --> 00:00:49.200 liked it. I stand by all of it. And to 15 00:00:49.280 --> 00:00:51.000 answer the question that you might have at the end 16 00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:55.039 of it, is there a girl? Oh yeah, there's a girl. 17 00:00:55.600 --> 00:00:57.880 She knows she's the girl, she will always be the girl, 18 00:00:58.039 --> 00:00:59.960 and she's the reason I want to release this one again. 19 00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:03.840 Maybe that's cryptic, maybe that's a tease, but anyway, maybe 20 00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:05.840 we will enjoy it again if you heard it for 21 00:01:05.879 --> 00:01:07.879 the first time back when we released it the first time. 22 00:01:08.200 --> 00:01:10.560 If not, let's take a walk down the aisle on 23 00:01:10.680 --> 00:01:16.000 this one together. Hi again, everyone, it's Brian Howie. Welcome 24 00:01:16.079 --> 00:01:20.519 to the Great Love Debate, the world's number one dating 25 00:01:20.519 --> 00:01:23.280 a relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am back here 26 00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:27.280 in the very fine and fancy studios of Pod Popular 27 00:01:27.439 --> 00:01:29.400 Podcasts for the people. I'm sitting on a couch. It's 28 00:01:29.480 --> 00:01:33.359 very luxurious. I'm at the one in Boca Raton, Florida, 29 00:01:34.359 --> 00:01:38.200 and I'm gonna I'm gonna read you a list of 30 00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:43.159 a bunch of celebrities, famous people, mostly actors, and you're 31 00:01:43.200 --> 00:01:45.719 gonna guess at home what are these people have in common? 32 00:01:45.760 --> 00:01:46.920 And then I'm going to tell you what they have 33 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:48.959 in common and why I want to bring it up today. Okay, 34 00:01:49.079 --> 00:01:52.040 a little bit different today, but little exercise I want 35 00:01:52.040 --> 00:01:53.840 to do. I'm gonna give you this list, and yes 36 00:01:53.879 --> 00:01:57.120 they're all wealthy, but that's not the reason for the list. 37 00:01:57.280 --> 00:02:05.760 Are you ready? Oprah Winfree, John Cusack, Matt Dillon, Bill Maher, 38 00:02:06.599 --> 00:02:12.800 Al Pacino, Charlie's Thrown, ryl Crow, Owen Wilson, Keanu Reeves, 39 00:02:13.159 --> 00:02:19.520 Matthew Perry, Marissa Tomay, Diane Keaton, Brian Christopher Howie. So 40 00:02:19.560 --> 00:02:24.159 I threw myself on that list, and so just off 41 00:02:24.199 --> 00:02:28.560 the top of my head there there are one, two, three, four, 42 00:02:30.439 --> 00:02:33.159 four Oscar winners on that list. But that's not what 43 00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:35.599 they're have in common, NASA. That is a list of 44 00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:39.240 people who are over forty years old and have never 45 00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:42.879 been married, and they range in age from the youngest 46 00:02:42.919 --> 00:02:46.599 on that list is probably char Lee's and the oldest 47 00:02:46.639 --> 00:02:49.759 on that list is probably is al Pacino eighty three, 48 00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:51.800 and everywhere in between. These are people that have not 49 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:54.360 been married. And I throw myself in there because I'm 50 00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:56.400 one of those people. And why do I bring that up? 51 00:02:57.120 --> 00:02:59.719 I bring that up because I get asked that question 52 00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:03.879 all the time. How can you do a show about love, 53 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:07.000 dating relationships when you've never been married? And I have 54 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:09.439 a couple of answers to that. First of all, this 55 00:03:09.520 --> 00:03:12.479 is not a advice show. This is an opinion show. 56 00:03:12.520 --> 00:03:14.919 That's a discussion show. I'm not out here, I'm not 57 00:03:15.000 --> 00:03:18.280 coaching anybody. I'm giving you a sort of the consensus 58 00:03:18.280 --> 00:03:22.520 based on the fact that we visit and hear literally 59 00:03:22.599 --> 00:03:24.800 millions of people over the last ten years on this 60 00:03:24.919 --> 00:03:27.400 show and are trying to give you at least a 61 00:03:27.400 --> 00:03:29.719 little bit of a roadmap to that. Now, where does 62 00:03:29.759 --> 00:03:32.879 this roadmap hope to lead? I believe to marriage or 63 00:03:32.919 --> 00:03:36.439 at least a long term relationship, which I haven't always 64 00:03:36.520 --> 00:03:41.120 had lots of those, but most of these people on 65 00:03:41.159 --> 00:03:43.400 this list, And so people say to me, like, how 66 00:03:43.439 --> 00:03:45.439 can you never been married? Well, you know, you don't 67 00:03:45.439 --> 00:03:47.639 have to be a even for those who do coach 68 00:03:47.680 --> 00:03:50.280 and have never been married who are dating relationship coaches. 69 00:03:50.919 --> 00:03:54.240 You know, Bill Belichick never played professional football doesn't mean 70 00:03:54.280 --> 00:03:59.879 he can't coach Tom Brady and cancer and on college 71 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:02.159 doesn't have to have cancer and in order to be 72 00:04:02.199 --> 00:04:07.000 able to treat it. You know. That being said, I 73 00:04:07.159 --> 00:04:10.000 believe that if you have gotten to the age of 74 00:04:10.080 --> 00:04:13.000 forty years old and you have never been married, you 75 00:04:13.080 --> 00:04:16.079 had better be prepared to give an answer on that 76 00:04:16.240 --> 00:04:21.160 question beyond I was too busy, or I hadn't met 77 00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:22.920 the right person yet, or any of that, because all 78 00:04:22.959 --> 00:04:25.120 of those answers are bullshit, and there is a real 79 00:04:25.240 --> 00:04:28.639 reason why you haven't gotten married, including me, and it's 80 00:04:28.639 --> 00:04:30.920 not necessarily a positive thing. If I met somebody over 81 00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:34.160 forty to date and she had never been married, it 82 00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:37.199 would absolutely be a red flag to me. I would 83 00:04:37.240 --> 00:04:39.360 want to know why I would want to know the answer 84 00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:41.920 of why they have never been married. And so I'm 85 00:04:41.959 --> 00:04:44.000 not here to just initially talk about marriage is better 86 00:04:44.079 --> 00:04:45.480 or worse whatever, I'm going to get into a lot 87 00:04:45.480 --> 00:04:47.480 of that. I would just want to talk about a 88 00:04:47.480 --> 00:04:50.879 lot of these people why they give their answers as 89 00:04:50.920 --> 00:04:52.839 to why they've never been married. Some are good and 90 00:04:52.879 --> 00:04:55.120 some are, you know, I think cop outs, and I 91 00:04:55.279 --> 00:04:56.920 want to talk about me and my reason and some 92 00:04:57.439 --> 00:05:00.560 of the things that I believe and I do believe 93 00:05:00.680 --> 00:05:02.800 in marriage. And as I've said many many times on 94 00:05:02.839 --> 00:05:07.600 this podcast, the reason why a lot of marriages break down, 95 00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:10.800 I guess is because pretty quickly, I think too many 96 00:05:10.800 --> 00:05:14.199 marriages go from husband wife to mom and dad, and 97 00:05:14.240 --> 00:05:18.560 mom and dad is a whole different dynamic then you know, 98 00:05:19.000 --> 00:05:21.079 let's date and let's fall in love, and there's a 99 00:05:21.079 --> 00:05:24.040 lot less romantic elements about it, you know, when you 100 00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:27.360 take away the family. That being said, I research some 101 00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:30.199 of these people to see what their answers are as 102 00:05:30.199 --> 00:05:32.680 to why they didn't get married or why they have 103 00:05:32.759 --> 00:05:35.079 not gotten married. And some of them are a little snarky, 104 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:36.639 and some of them are cop outs. Like I said, 105 00:05:36.720 --> 00:05:39.439 I'm gonna read you a few of them. So John Cusack, 106 00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:42.360 who's not nearly as famous as he used to be, 107 00:05:42.839 --> 00:05:46.360 but he was famous for a while. And his father 108 00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:49.920 went to my college. By the way, somebody asked him, 109 00:05:49.959 --> 00:05:52.319 could you describe why you have not gotten married in 110 00:05:52.439 --> 00:05:56.000 five words or less? And Cusick said, no, but I 111 00:05:56.000 --> 00:05:59.240 can do it in seven. Society doesn't tell me what 112 00:05:59.360 --> 00:06:02.720 to do, you know, that's his answer. But that's not 113 00:06:02.759 --> 00:06:05.759 really a reason, like you should not not get married 114 00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:09.839 just because you're sort of this rebel against society. You know, 115 00:06:09.879 --> 00:06:11.720 there's a lot of reasons to get married. There's a 116 00:06:11.759 --> 00:06:13.480 lot of reasons not to get married. I don't think 117 00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:15.240 because you're like, I don't need a piece of paper 118 00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:16.800 to tell me to fall in love. I think that's 119 00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:18.639 a cop out. And I think you need to have 120 00:06:18.680 --> 00:06:24.279 a better reason than that. Bill Maher, who's a krusty 121 00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:28.079 fucker if you've ever met him, But he says, I mean, 122 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:30.800 is anyone really that interesting that that they will be 123 00:06:30.839 --> 00:06:32.800 the person you want to spend this much time with 124 00:06:32.879 --> 00:06:35.519 for the rest of your life. And I think the 125 00:06:35.560 --> 00:06:39.839 answer to that is, hopefully marriage or not. If you 126 00:06:39.879 --> 00:06:43.000 find the right person, hopefully you will want to spend 127 00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:45.199 as much time with them forever and ever and ever, 128 00:06:45.480 --> 00:06:48.319 and everybody else pails in comparison, So I think he's 129 00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:55.040 wrong than that. Char Lee's says marriage that's never been 130 00:06:55.079 --> 00:06:58.600 something that's important to me. Well, that's a little bit 131 00:06:58.600 --> 00:07:01.759 of a dismiss thing too, because it doesn't mean just 132 00:07:01.759 --> 00:07:04.839 because something wasn't always important to you, doesn't mean that 133 00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:06.839 it couldn't be important to you, and doesn't mean that 134 00:07:06.839 --> 00:07:09.319 it wouldn't be important to your partner or your relationship 135 00:07:09.399 --> 00:07:11.360 or anything else. So I'm not particularly fond of her 136 00:07:11.399 --> 00:07:16.040 answer either. Diane Keaton, who is darling. If you ever 137 00:07:16.120 --> 00:07:18.560 run across Diane Keaton, stop her and talk to her 138 00:07:18.600 --> 00:07:21.600 for fifteen minutes because she is a delight and she's 139 00:07:21.639 --> 00:07:27.079 probably close to eighty. And she dated al Pacino, I 140 00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:30.399 guess back in the day after The Godfather in real life, 141 00:07:30.680 --> 00:07:32.040 and he's never been married either, so I don't know 142 00:07:32.040 --> 00:07:34.680 if that's some kind of pack they made. But she says, 143 00:07:35.600 --> 00:07:37.279 I just don't think it would have been a good 144 00:07:37.279 --> 00:07:40.319 idea for me to have been married, And to me, 145 00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:43.519 that takes a certain degree of ownership, because I think 146 00:07:43.560 --> 00:07:46.639 she says that that maybe she has some elements that 147 00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:49.560 she has not dealt with where she may be either 148 00:07:49.639 --> 00:07:54.879 trapped or unable to sort of fulfill the commitment of marriage. 149 00:07:54.920 --> 00:07:57.839 Maybe she would feel like she was somehow put in 150 00:07:57.879 --> 00:07:59.439 a situation where he So I think that this is 151 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:01.360 sort of an un resolved issue with her and the 152 00:08:01.399 --> 00:08:04.240 people that she's dated, lots of famous people. Maybe she 153 00:08:04.319 --> 00:08:07.319 put that out to them that I'm a really good girlfriend, 154 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:12.439 not such a great possible wife. Ava Mendez gave an answer, 155 00:08:12.480 --> 00:08:14.920 And she is very famously and I think very committed 156 00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:17.800 to Ryan Gosling, who also has never been married, but 157 00:08:17.800 --> 00:08:20.160 I don't think he's quite old enough to make this list. 158 00:08:20.800 --> 00:08:24.839 But Ava Mendez said, I actually think it's really sexy 159 00:08:24.879 --> 00:08:27.560 to be with someone in their fifties or sixties and 160 00:08:27.680 --> 00:08:31.839 be like, that's my boyfriend. I think husband and wife 161 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:36.080 are very unsexy words. Now I think that is getting somewhere. 162 00:08:36.840 --> 00:08:39.039 I think that's getting to a place where it's like, 163 00:08:39.879 --> 00:08:42.799 the reason I'm not married is because i want something 164 00:08:42.919 --> 00:08:46.879 even more fun and deeper. And I'm not saying marriage 165 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:49.120 doesn't necessarily doesn't necessarily mean that people get married for 166 00:08:49.120 --> 00:08:50.919 a whole lot of different reasons that have nothing to 167 00:08:50.960 --> 00:08:53.120 do with the romance. And I'm in the romance business. 168 00:08:54.360 --> 00:08:58.080 So she said that Shakira, who has not been married, 169 00:08:59.559 --> 00:09:02.960 she said, ed to tell you the truth, marriage scares 170 00:09:03.000 --> 00:09:05.000 the shit out of me. I don't want him to 171 00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:07.240 see me as the wife. I'd rather him see me 172 00:09:07.320 --> 00:09:10.679 as his girlfriend. And that's another one, just like Ava 173 00:09:10.759 --> 00:09:14.120 Mendez says, there is something when you are happy at 174 00:09:14.200 --> 00:09:17.919 least that is so much better about boyfriend and girlfriend 175 00:09:18.000 --> 00:09:21.919 than husband and wife. I believe will ever be for 176 00:09:22.000 --> 00:09:23.919 the most part, and again saying this is somebody's never 177 00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:26.879 been married. Maybe it's awesome, but I think the spark 178 00:09:26.919 --> 00:09:30.399 and the romance, it's just not there. So I'll get 179 00:09:30.399 --> 00:09:33.840 back to that one in a second. The last one 180 00:09:34.159 --> 00:09:42.440 is Edie Falco, who was Carmelo soprano, and she said, 181 00:09:42.679 --> 00:09:45.240 I'm not married because I tend to get a lot 182 00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:49.080 of eye rolling conversations with people about their marriages. Why 183 00:09:49.120 --> 00:09:52.639 would I want to head there? Very true, I've made 184 00:09:52.679 --> 00:09:54.879 that comment. I've made that joke myself at a time 185 00:09:54.960 --> 00:09:56.799 or two in the past where by the time I 186 00:09:56.840 --> 00:10:01.200 even considered it, in my late thirties, everybody I know 187 00:10:01.320 --> 00:10:03.000 was coming back out of the club, so to speak. 188 00:10:03.080 --> 00:10:06.279 Everybody else was getting divorced. Nobody seemed to tell me 189 00:10:06.320 --> 00:10:09.399 that it was better. Very rarely did I hear that 190 00:10:09.480 --> 00:10:15.559 people were happier husband and wife than they ever were boyfriend, girlfriend. 191 00:10:16.600 --> 00:10:19.799 And when people get married, I always ask them when 192 00:10:19.799 --> 00:10:22.320 somebody proposes, why did you decide to get married? Why 193 00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:24.000 I decided to take that step? Why did you know this? 194 00:10:24.440 --> 00:10:27.240 And the answers I always get are never the most 195 00:10:27.320 --> 00:10:30.600 romantic answers. They always circle in this area of well, 196 00:10:30.639 --> 00:10:33.559 it was time to settle down, or we've been dating 197 00:10:33.559 --> 00:10:35.519 for three years, I wanted to be committed, or we 198 00:10:35.559 --> 00:10:39.279 wanted to have kids or anything, but the are you 199 00:10:39.399 --> 00:10:41.360 kidding me? She is the love of my life, and 200 00:10:41.399 --> 00:10:42.919 of course I want to spend the rest of my 201 00:10:42.960 --> 00:10:46.279 life with her. I want to hear that I do. 202 00:10:47.480 --> 00:10:50.679 That being said, I'm going to get into some of 203 00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:53.039 what I believe is the prose of at least the commitment. 204 00:10:53.320 --> 00:10:55.480 I'm going to talk about what it means to not 205 00:10:55.559 --> 00:10:57.759 be married and why I had to take a quick break. 206 00:10:57.799 --> 00:10:59.200 Not that I have to pay for a wedding around here, 207 00:10:59.200 --> 00:11:00.679 but I can pay for a lot of other things. 208 00:11:01.279 --> 00:11:03.559 We are talking about marriage. We are calling this episode 209 00:11:03.600 --> 00:11:07.759 the marriage trap question mark exclamation point. Not sure we 210 00:11:07.799 --> 00:11:14.120 will be back right after this, and we are back, 211 00:11:14.279 --> 00:11:17.440 and I like to talk about politics a lot. And 212 00:11:17.480 --> 00:11:20.960 somebody asked me, would you ever run for office? And 213 00:11:21.039 --> 00:11:23.240 I said that I don't believe that I could win, 214 00:11:24.240 --> 00:11:26.279 and they asked me why, and I said, I have 215 00:11:26.360 --> 00:11:31.159 two things that America will not vote for. One, I 216 00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:35.200 am agnostic doesn't mean I'm an atheist. It means I'm agnostic, 217 00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:37.120 which I think we all are at our core. Agnostic 218 00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:40.159 means I don't know. I don't really know. Could be 219 00:11:40.360 --> 00:11:44.120 maybe people are not comfortable with that answer. They want 220 00:11:44.399 --> 00:11:47.440 in God, we trust, on the money. They want put 221 00:11:47.480 --> 00:11:49.120 your right hand on the Bible and swear to God. 222 00:11:49.200 --> 00:11:52.080 They want all of that. People are not prepared to 223 00:11:52.159 --> 00:11:55.799 deal with somebody who does not embrace some faith. I'm 224 00:11:55.840 --> 00:12:00.679 aware of that, and I'm not an atheist by any means. 225 00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:02.679 I'm like, I don't know, but they're not prepared to 226 00:12:02.679 --> 00:12:04.799 deal with agnostic. The other thing they are not prepared 227 00:12:04.840 --> 00:12:06.879 to deal with is bachelor president. And I don't care 228 00:12:06.919 --> 00:12:09.000 how long or how committed you are to your girlfriend. 229 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:12.279 There has not been a There's only been two in history, 230 00:12:12.360 --> 00:12:15.120 and there has not been one in I think one 231 00:12:15.200 --> 00:12:19.320 hundred and fifty years. I forget who was Tyler Harrison 232 00:12:19.399 --> 00:12:22.200 one of those nondescript ones. There's not been a bachelor 233 00:12:22.279 --> 00:12:26.519 president in a long long time. America does not like that. 234 00:12:26.559 --> 00:12:28.960 They think it is not stable. They would rather have 235 00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:34.759 somebody with five divorces than never been married. And a 236 00:12:34.759 --> 00:12:37.120 lot of you out there in the dating pool would 237 00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:40.279 rather have somebody with five divorces than somebody who's never 238 00:12:40.279 --> 00:12:43.519 got married, because you guys always tell me, at least 239 00:12:43.559 --> 00:12:46.679 your means, it means you're capable of commitment, at least 240 00:12:46.679 --> 00:12:48.879 you're willing to take that plunge. At least you're willing 241 00:12:48.919 --> 00:12:51.000 to get on the knee, and says I want to 242 00:12:51.080 --> 00:12:53.559 do this, And I don't know if that really is 243 00:12:53.720 --> 00:12:56.519 true just because somebody gets married. A lot of people, 244 00:12:56.600 --> 00:12:58.080 like I said, get married for a lot of reasons. 245 00:12:58.120 --> 00:12:59.639 A lot of people get married assuming it's not going 246 00:12:59.679 --> 00:13:02.360 to law forever. And a lot of people, especially men, 247 00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:04.559 the ones who get up there four or five, six, 248 00:13:04.759 --> 00:13:09.360 seven marriages. Shout out to the late Larry King. I 249 00:13:09.399 --> 00:13:12.679 think you're getting married after you've got divorced so many times, 250 00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:15.360 and you do have the means to survive divorce. Many times, 251 00:13:15.480 --> 00:13:19.000 I think you're trying to lock her down. I think 252 00:13:19.039 --> 00:13:22.000 you're not trying to make sure she's with you. I 253 00:13:22.039 --> 00:13:23.919 think a lot of these guys are proposing so she 254 00:13:23.960 --> 00:13:26.799 doesn't go with somebody else. And I think that's what 255 00:13:26.919 --> 00:13:29.200 a lot of the serial marriers are, and I don't 256 00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:32.240 think that's necessarily a better thing. And so a lot 257 00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:34.039 of the especially the women and the people, come to 258 00:13:34.080 --> 00:13:36.240 our show and they put their hands up and they say, 259 00:13:36.600 --> 00:13:38.720 I wouldn't necessarily trust somebody who is a bachelor in 260 00:13:38.759 --> 00:13:42.200 their forties, fifties, sixties, because that generally means one of 261 00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:45.320 three things, none of them good. And I agree with this. 262 00:13:45.960 --> 00:13:51.879 To the women, it means you're gay, possibly closeted, and 263 00:13:51.919 --> 00:13:53.440 I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm saying it's 264 00:13:53.440 --> 00:13:56.360 a bad thing for a woman looking for her husband. Two, 265 00:13:56.519 --> 00:13:59.879 it means you're an absolute player and you don't want 266 00:13:59.919 --> 00:14:04.440 to just pick one woman or three. You are emotionally unavailable, 267 00:14:04.480 --> 00:14:07.559 mommy issues blah blah blah blah blah, and so you 268 00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:11.080 haven't probably processed it. You can probably put me in 269 00:14:11.200 --> 00:14:13.720 category two and three for a long long time. And 270 00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:16.360 I think two leads to three. I think you could 271 00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:19.720 say that I was on emotionally unavailable for most of 272 00:14:19.720 --> 00:14:23.519 my adult life because, as I've said a lot of 273 00:14:23.559 --> 00:14:27.240 times on this podcast, my parents were married a long 274 00:14:27.279 --> 00:14:31.120 long time, fifty plus years. I'm not sure they even 275 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:33.480 liked each other, and so that was not a good 276 00:14:33.480 --> 00:14:36.120 example for me. And because I did not trust the 277 00:14:36.240 --> 00:14:38.600 love quote unquote that they had for each other, I'm 278 00:14:38.600 --> 00:14:40.279 not sure I could trust the love they had for me, 279 00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:42.480 And then I'm not sure I trusted the concept. So 280 00:14:42.519 --> 00:14:44.879 I existed most of my adult life in sort of 281 00:14:44.879 --> 00:14:49.559 this emotionally walled off middle bandwidth, not too high, not 282 00:14:49.639 --> 00:14:51.519 too low. I had a lot of long, long term 283 00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:54.200 relationships where I would put enough chips on the table 284 00:14:54.240 --> 00:14:56.120 to stay in the game, but not enough to go 285 00:14:56.200 --> 00:14:59.840 all in. I have, I think processed that I have 286 00:15:00.120 --> 00:15:03.440 dealt with that, I own that if somebody says, why 287 00:15:03.440 --> 00:15:05.600 haven't I got married, I put it entirely on me 288 00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:08.200 and the work I needed to do and the conversation 289 00:15:08.279 --> 00:15:10.519 I needed to have with seven year old Brian and 290 00:15:10.559 --> 00:15:12.399 the therapist I needed to see, and all that kind 291 00:15:12.440 --> 00:15:14.080 of stuff. And I don't think until I got to 292 00:15:14.120 --> 00:15:18.720 my mid forties was I sort of emotionally competent enough 293 00:15:18.759 --> 00:15:22.039 to say I want to go all in, but part 294 00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:25.559 of me has always liked that concept. Secretly, I've been 295 00:15:25.600 --> 00:15:29.120 sort of working on this proposal for like twenty years. 296 00:15:29.159 --> 00:15:30.519 I spent like ten minutes a day on it, like 297 00:15:30.519 --> 00:15:32.919 somebody who works on a puzzle. A little bit. I 298 00:15:32.919 --> 00:15:35.720 think I could do it better. I think I could 299 00:15:35.720 --> 00:15:38.320 make it more meaningful. I think she would tell her 300 00:15:38.360 --> 00:15:41.120 friends and make her friends feel terrible that their husband 301 00:15:41.240 --> 00:15:44.159 just sort of lit it up on a scoreboard. And 302 00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:46.440 so there's a part of me that really believes in 303 00:15:46.480 --> 00:15:50.720 that that I want there to be a level beyond 304 00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:54.399 boyfriend girlfriend. And you've heard me do podcasts about this before, 305 00:15:54.440 --> 00:15:56.759 where I'm like, the best compliment I can I can 306 00:15:56.799 --> 00:15:58.480 say is to just look at the person I'm with 307 00:15:58.519 --> 00:16:02.759 and say, that's the girl, and I know what that means, 308 00:16:02.799 --> 00:16:04.600 and she knows what that means. And I've done a 309 00:16:04.600 --> 00:16:08.759 whole episode on that. But you know, to outsiders, they 310 00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:11.000 want to be able to define your relationship and make 311 00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:13.720 it seem like he is different from all the boyfriends, 312 00:16:14.240 --> 00:16:16.720 she is different from all the girlfriends. These long term 313 00:16:16.759 --> 00:16:19.200 couples that we know are happy together, you know, the 314 00:16:19.279 --> 00:16:22.799 Goldie Hawns and Kurt Russell's and people like that who've 315 00:16:22.840 --> 00:16:25.559 been together twenty thirty years and we kind of know. 316 00:16:25.639 --> 00:16:27.759 And the question they always ask is like, why didn't 317 00:16:27.759 --> 00:16:29.919 you guys get married? I read, I think Ricky Gervais 318 00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:32.279 is with his girlfriend for like thirty years. How can 319 00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:35.120 you never get married? Yeah, I think that marriage probably 320 00:16:35.159 --> 00:16:38.240 wouldn't bring any more to the table. I do believe 321 00:16:38.279 --> 00:16:42.360 there's value to the kids if mom and dad are married, 322 00:16:42.440 --> 00:16:43.960 even though it takes the romance out of it. I 323 00:16:43.960 --> 00:16:46.519 think it's good to have probably the same last name, 324 00:16:46.559 --> 00:16:48.679 and it feels like a family, And I see the 325 00:16:48.679 --> 00:16:52.720 pluses in all of that. And I do believe in 326 00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:57.519 and want and the one guy, one girl happily. Ever after, 327 00:16:57.799 --> 00:17:00.279 let's do fifty years. And people have joked to me, well, 328 00:17:00.279 --> 00:17:01.840 now you waited so long, you probably don't have to 329 00:17:01.879 --> 00:17:04.880 do fifty years. So you shorten the you shorten the term, 330 00:17:05.039 --> 00:17:08.240 you shorten the sentence to like thirty four years. Maybe, 331 00:17:09.039 --> 00:17:11.319 But I'm also not jaded on the idea of marriage. 332 00:17:11.720 --> 00:17:13.880 Lots of people who get into their forties fifty sixties, 333 00:17:14.039 --> 00:17:16.440 almost all of them are divorced. If they're still single, 334 00:17:16.480 --> 00:17:19.279 the dating pool is filled with mostly divorced people, and 335 00:17:19.319 --> 00:17:22.839 for those people. They have lost the hope and the 336 00:17:22.839 --> 00:17:25.480 faith and the dream of till death to us part 337 00:17:25.480 --> 00:17:28.079 happily ever after because they tried it and they don't 338 00:17:28.119 --> 00:17:31.880 have it. So I believe, you know, Oprah, whatever her 339 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:35.000 you know, personal situation is. And she gets criticized and 340 00:17:35.119 --> 00:17:38.799 questioned all the time about her relationship with Stedman and 341 00:17:38.839 --> 00:17:41.359 her relationship with Gail, and her relationship with everything, and 342 00:17:41.400 --> 00:17:48.440 you know, she had a traumatic childhood. She's also a conglomerate, 343 00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:51.240 which involves a lot of lawyers and stuff. If you 344 00:17:51.240 --> 00:17:53.559 want to get married, it's a little more complicated. I 345 00:17:53.559 --> 00:17:55.640 don't think she's not capable of love. I don't think 346 00:17:55.640 --> 00:17:57.519 it's something she doesn't want. I don't think any of 347 00:17:57.559 --> 00:18:01.279 these things. You know, Tom, she's on this list. I 348 00:18:01.359 --> 00:18:04.319 went out one night with Marissa Tomy. Not your marriage 349 00:18:04.359 --> 00:18:07.839 is for her either. God, I'll just leave it at that. 350 00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:10.440 But as for me, and for a lot of people 351 00:18:10.480 --> 00:18:15.599 who come to our shows, men so called bachelor's for 352 00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:18.119 forty forties and fifties, I think in a lot of 353 00:18:18.119 --> 00:18:22.000 ways that it's capable of breaking the bachelor. I believe 354 00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:28.519 the right woman, girl, situation, relationship, timing can make him 355 00:18:28.599 --> 00:18:32.319 do exactly what he would have done that you dreamed 356 00:18:32.319 --> 00:18:34.279 about when he was twenty four. We bring up Warren 357 00:18:34.319 --> 00:18:37.119 Beatty a lot on this podcast, who was probably the 358 00:18:37.160 --> 00:18:41.319 most famous bachelor in the I don't know, sixties, seventies, eighties. 359 00:18:41.359 --> 00:18:43.440 He probably had a thirty year run as the the 360 00:18:43.480 --> 00:18:46.559 lothario of Hollywood. He's now been married to an At Benning, 361 00:18:46.559 --> 00:18:49.759 like thirty two years, like a long long time. He 362 00:18:50.279 --> 00:18:52.720 waited and waited and waited and got married and it 363 00:18:52.759 --> 00:18:55.759 worked for him. He waited till I think he was 364 00:18:55.799 --> 00:18:57.920 ready to not just meet the right person, but to 365 00:18:58.519 --> 00:19:01.279 let that person be that person in his world, in 366 00:19:01.319 --> 00:19:05.240 his presence, in his universe. I think a lot of 367 00:19:05.240 --> 00:19:07.559 men are doing the work and do want to make 368 00:19:07.640 --> 00:19:11.000 it work. And the guy who's single at forty eight 369 00:19:11.079 --> 00:19:13.119 or fifty two or sixty two and he's never been married, 370 00:19:13.880 --> 00:19:16.279 I don't think he's out there chasing around some twenty 371 00:19:16.279 --> 00:19:18.799 six year old because he's never dated somebody young, or 372 00:19:18.799 --> 00:19:20.839 he's never dated an Asian girl, or he's never had 373 00:19:20.839 --> 00:19:23.119 this or that or whatever, because he's married for fifteen years. 374 00:19:23.799 --> 00:19:28.799 I think the so called lifelong uncommitted bachelor's I think 375 00:19:28.799 --> 00:19:32.839 there is capable of love and lasting a relationship as 376 00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:35.960 anybody you know. I know, people always always look at 377 00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:38.480 George Clooney like, has he ever settled down? That was 378 00:19:38.519 --> 00:19:40.640 a bit of the myth that he was putting out there. 379 00:19:40.839 --> 00:19:45.119 He was married in his twenties to an actress, so 380 00:19:45.160 --> 00:19:47.480 he was married for a while. He liked the People 381 00:19:47.559 --> 00:19:50.160 magazine covers that he was the sort of you know, 382 00:19:50.359 --> 00:19:52.839 perpetual bachelor, But that wasn't really the case. He was 383 00:19:52.839 --> 00:19:55.720 a married guy, and I think his wife, who he married, 384 00:19:55.759 --> 00:19:58.160 now knew that people were always like, oh, he waited 385 00:19:58.200 --> 00:20:01.160 to find this intelligent woman. No he didn't. I'm not 386 00:20:01.160 --> 00:20:03.319 saying his first wife wasn't. I'm just saying he didn't 387 00:20:03.359 --> 00:20:05.359 wait like anybody else. He was just a regular divorced 388 00:20:05.440 --> 00:20:09.079 guy out in the pool. But I think when people 389 00:20:09.160 --> 00:20:12.359 make these snippy comments about marriage or like I don't 390 00:20:12.359 --> 00:20:14.000 need a piece of paper to tell me or whatever, 391 00:20:15.319 --> 00:20:17.680 I don't necessarily agree with that. Like, I think there 392 00:20:17.799 --> 00:20:22.319 is something to the ceremony and the rings and standing 393 00:20:22.400 --> 00:20:25.119 up in front of whoever your friends or your family, 394 00:20:25.240 --> 00:20:28.440 or God or society and saying I am committed to 395 00:20:28.680 --> 00:20:33.359 this person in a very definable and public fashion. I 396 00:20:33.400 --> 00:20:36.920 think that has merit. I like that you can give 397 00:20:36.960 --> 00:20:38.319 me all that. That's easy for you to say you 398 00:20:38.319 --> 00:20:40.640 don't do that doesn't mean I don't believe in it, 399 00:20:41.319 --> 00:20:44.720 And I don't know if it means you have to 400 00:20:44.759 --> 00:20:46.880 actually go through go down to city hall and get 401 00:20:46.880 --> 00:20:51.160