WEBVTT 1 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:08.080 I'm Ali. I came out after twenty years of marriage 2 00:00:08.119 --> 00:00:09.359 and I have three kids. 3 00:00:09.960 --> 00:00:12.359 I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came 4 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:15.000 out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage. 5 00:00:15.400 --> 00:00:19.239 This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles 6 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:20.559 and victories that come with. 7 00:00:20.600 --> 00:00:22.920 It when coming out feels like the end of the world, 8 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:24.920 but it's really just the beginning. 9 00:00:25.640 --> 00:00:36.759 This is the Lesbian Chronicles. Welcome to the Lesbian Chronicles. 10 00:00:36.840 --> 00:00:38.719 But you just heard me scream at my son in 11 00:00:38.759 --> 00:00:39.280 real time. 12 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:42.200 I mean, listen, we're in the same boat this weekend. 13 00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:44.600 We've both got kids. I just ran mine out of 14 00:00:44.600 --> 00:00:48.759 here because it's like, what three o'clock in the afternoon. 15 00:00:48.799 --> 00:00:50.600 This is when Brecken has decided that he needs to 16 00:00:50.600 --> 00:00:51.439 eat lunch. 17 00:00:51.880 --> 00:00:54.200 Yeah, well, what the noise I heard when you got 18 00:00:54.240 --> 00:00:56.000 on here? I can't even it? Is that what lunch 19 00:00:56.039 --> 00:00:57.000 sounds like over there? 20 00:00:57.119 --> 00:00:59.240 Well, because he's using the air fryer, so it was 21 00:00:59.320 --> 00:01:02.359 like yes, ding yeah, and yeah, he's got stuff in 22 00:01:02.359 --> 00:01:04.920 the microwave, like and it's funny he had like it 23 00:01:04.959 --> 00:01:09.799 was basically three different types of carbs, okay, good, yeah, pretzels, 24 00:01:09.879 --> 00:01:11.879 rolls and pretzel bites exactly. 25 00:01:12.040 --> 00:01:16.359 Car bloating for the race he's not doing exactly. All right, Well, 26 00:01:16.480 --> 00:01:19.560 let's get into it. Anybody has anybody seen the movie 27 00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:20.280 Book Smart. 28 00:01:20.719 --> 00:01:22.799 Oh my god, I was gonna say, you're about to 29 00:01:22.840 --> 00:01:25.439 hang me out to dry a hundred books. 30 00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:28.159 The two friends have this thing where if you say 31 00:01:28.200 --> 00:01:31.920 this one word, the person has to show up. The 32 00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:34.519 only problem is that and the word in the movie 33 00:01:34.560 --> 00:01:37.760 is moulala after that woman. I think mulala. 34 00:01:37.799 --> 00:01:38.359 Is that what it's? 35 00:01:38.719 --> 00:01:41.439 I think, so, I think that's like the basis of it. 36 00:01:41.480 --> 00:01:43.680 But in the movie, like if I say that, you 37 00:01:43.719 --> 00:01:46.719 gotta go. Yeah, But the problem is I've already used 38 00:01:46.760 --> 00:01:49.640 it on you a couple of times, and you've never 39 00:01:49.799 --> 00:01:52.079 used it on me, so you were like, dude, you're 40 00:01:52.159 --> 00:01:55.400 killing me. But I mulala at her yesterday and she 41 00:01:55.599 --> 00:01:56.519 still did a cup. 42 00:01:56.599 --> 00:01:59.120 I know, and I do feel bad, but I really 43 00:01:59.239 --> 00:02:02.280 truly had to be like I cannot, like I had. 44 00:02:02.319 --> 00:02:03.799 I was driving back from it. 45 00:02:03.879 --> 00:02:07.519 I was in Atlanta Thursday Friday, went to the Braves 46 00:02:07.560 --> 00:02:10.759 game finally I've been wanting to go, which honestly like 47 00:02:10.840 --> 00:02:14.599 perfectly aligned because Ted Turner and Bobby Cox just passed away. 48 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:17.159 So it was like, good for my soul like I 49 00:02:17.199 --> 00:02:19.759 was such a Braves fan growing up in Ted Turner 50 00:02:19.800 --> 00:02:21.000 with CNN all the things. 51 00:02:21.039 --> 00:02:25.039 So anyway, but I was like driving back there, had to. 52 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:28.680 Pick up this little rascal dog get my kids, and 53 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:31.879 I wouldn't have been getting there until like well after 54 00:02:31.919 --> 00:02:35.000 four o'clock. My kids didn't want to go, like it's 55 00:02:35.039 --> 00:02:35.520 a whole thing. 56 00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:36.719 So that's a whole thing. 57 00:02:36.840 --> 00:02:40.479 Well I did make myself go, and you survived. 58 00:02:40.960 --> 00:02:43.599 I survived. But you know what's interesting is we got 59 00:02:43.599 --> 00:02:48.080 into a conversation there about doing like mushroom trips, and 60 00:02:48.080 --> 00:02:50.479 one person in particular was talking about a mushroom trip. 61 00:02:50.599 --> 00:02:52.800 She went on and the way the analogy she used that, 62 00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:55.800 so I've never done this, So anyone listening know that 63 00:02:55.840 --> 00:02:59.439 I'm reporting what somebody taught me, which is that she 64 00:02:59.639 --> 00:03:02.840 did a mushroom trip for like a reset. And she 65 00:03:02.960 --> 00:03:05.639 said that the what she understands it as is this 66 00:03:05.680 --> 00:03:08.039 is how it works. If your brain and you're like 67 00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:11.680 nervous system is like a ski slope and you're always 68 00:03:11.719 --> 00:03:14.759 skiing down the same path. The grooves in that path 69 00:03:14.800 --> 00:03:18.159 get deeper and deeper and deeper until your nervous nervous 70 00:03:18.199 --> 00:03:21.319 system and your mindset just lives in that groove. It 71 00:03:21.360 --> 00:03:23.840 goes right back to that. Anything that happens back to 72 00:03:23.879 --> 00:03:26.879 the groove. Anything rough or shakes you up, you're back 73 00:03:26.919 --> 00:03:29.919 in the groove of that negative thinking, that nervous system, 74 00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:32.479 like anxiety. So when you do a trip, She's like, 75 00:03:32.520 --> 00:03:35.199 it just fills in the groove so that you can 76 00:03:35.240 --> 00:03:37.439 develop a new path down the mountain. And I thought 77 00:03:37.520 --> 00:03:40.400 that was, like that made sense to me. I don't 78 00:03:40.439 --> 00:03:43.840 totally understand how. I know there's science on it. Emory 79 00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:46.280 just released a study about it, Like I know it's real. 80 00:03:46.759 --> 00:03:50.319 I just am like, I really am so curious about it. 81 00:03:50.360 --> 00:03:52.800 I would be too paranoid and scared ever do it. 82 00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:57.560 But I am like fascinated by this idea of like 83 00:03:57.759 --> 00:04:00.560 resetting your nervous system, because I do feel like mine 84 00:04:01.080 --> 00:04:03.759 gets me in trouble. It makes me anxious, It makes 85 00:04:03.759 --> 00:04:06.319 me do things I would never normally do because my 86 00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:07.599 nervous system is right. 87 00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:13.240 Yeah, I mean I can't really speak to the whole 88 00:04:13.319 --> 00:04:16.959 mushroom things like my experience, like I've had like some 89 00:04:17.079 --> 00:04:19.399 chocolates or whatever. You know, it's just kind of made 90 00:04:19.399 --> 00:04:22.360 things like silly and funny. I haven't done like the 91 00:04:22.360 --> 00:04:24.399 ones that people talk about where they go on like 92 00:04:24.439 --> 00:04:29.759 a whole journey, and I'm like you, I feel apprehensive 93 00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:32.399 about it. I don't know that there's something about feeling 94 00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:35.680 really out of control and that sense that doesn't feel 95 00:04:35.680 --> 00:04:36.120 good to me. 96 00:04:36.720 --> 00:04:38.759 So but I know a lot of people say that 97 00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:40.040 it is very good. 98 00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:42.399 And I think as far as the nervous system reset, 99 00:04:42.439 --> 00:04:44.240 and I think that's kind of like what you and 100 00:04:44.319 --> 00:04:47.160 I have been really navigating that the last few years 101 00:04:47.240 --> 00:04:50.480 is just kind of like experiencing these life things that 102 00:04:50.519 --> 00:04:54.279 we'd never experienced in our entire lives. The emotional upheaval, 103 00:04:54.360 --> 00:04:56.759 the ups and downs that being like so in love 104 00:04:56.839 --> 00:04:57.279 and then. 105 00:04:57.240 --> 00:04:59.519 Being completely thrown off balance. 106 00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:03.160 Like there's something to be said about like like we say, 107 00:05:03.199 --> 00:05:06.279 the body keeps the score, these situations are living in 108 00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:09.879 our nervous systems, and that's like the most accessible to 109 00:05:09.959 --> 00:05:13.279 us right now. It's the freshest. So it's really like 110 00:05:13.319 --> 00:05:15.399 you're saying, it's like you end up like doing and 111 00:05:15.439 --> 00:05:18.079 saying things. You're like, God, I'm like, I'm losing my 112 00:05:18.120 --> 00:05:20.199 mind over here. I'm favrowing it, you know. 113 00:05:20.319 --> 00:05:24.120 Favrowing it. I'm still favrowing by the way, But you 114 00:05:24.199 --> 00:05:26.000 know that I have a new good friend of ours 115 00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:28.680 if she's listening. Full thank you to you guys. Actually 116 00:05:28.720 --> 00:05:31.959 it's two friends. They gave me the advice to have 117 00:05:32.439 --> 00:05:36.000 like a fake email account, so instead of like journaling, 118 00:05:36.519 --> 00:05:38.800 you just write to this email account. I created a 119 00:05:38.800 --> 00:05:42.079 new account, and you just write to this email account. 120 00:05:42.240 --> 00:05:44.560 Give the person the password if they want to see 121 00:05:44.560 --> 00:05:48.439 what you're writing about, but otherwise you just right rite. 122 00:05:48.720 --> 00:05:51.560 Brain dump, brain dump. Yeah, this came up for me. 123 00:05:51.680 --> 00:05:54.800 This came up, and so I've been doing it every. 124 00:05:54.680 --> 00:05:57.480 Day, Like I think that's a really good idea, Like, yeah, 125 00:05:57.600 --> 00:06:00.279 it's kind of like one of those therapy tools of 126 00:06:00.319 --> 00:06:03.759 like writing the letter to someone and just really letting 127 00:06:03.800 --> 00:06:04.560 it all out there. 128 00:06:04.959 --> 00:06:06.639 But you know, you're never going to send the letter, 129 00:06:06.959 --> 00:06:09.120 Like this is sending the letter, but this is sending 130 00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:12.079 the letter. So you're giving the person the person. 131 00:06:12.120 --> 00:06:14.639 The person access, but it doesn't go to their email. 132 00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:17.600 It goes to this new email and they can check 133 00:06:17.639 --> 00:06:20.040 it if they want, or they can ignore it completely. 134 00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:23.399 And I know what you guys are wondering, Hash she 135 00:06:23.480 --> 00:06:24.480 checked it. 136 00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:27.959 Hash, she checked it. I'm gonna guess no. 137 00:06:28.879 --> 00:06:31.000 Well, we're going to let that just hang in the 138 00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:33.279 balance and I'll tell you offline well. 139 00:06:33.399 --> 00:06:35.839 And also I think the other thing to kind of 140 00:06:35.879 --> 00:06:38.360 consider in these situations and that I've had to like 141 00:06:38.439 --> 00:06:41.160 kind of learn that sometimes you have to sit with it, 142 00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:42.959 you know, and that other person. 143 00:06:42.680 --> 00:06:44.319 Needs to sit with it totally. 144 00:06:44.360 --> 00:06:47.319 And our brains have a way of going to that 145 00:06:47.759 --> 00:06:49.839 space of like this is the end all be all, 146 00:06:49.879 --> 00:06:52.519 this is how it's going to be forever, and it's not. 147 00:06:52.680 --> 00:06:56.319 No, it literally isn't. And things do open up, and 148 00:06:56.600 --> 00:06:59.120 there are moments of lucidity, like where I'm sitting there 149 00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:02.399 and I'm like, I'm actually really okay, yeah, like I'm 150 00:07:02.480 --> 00:07:04.480 and then there's moments that come over me where I'm 151 00:07:04.519 --> 00:07:07.120 like what the fuck, Like this doesn't feel good. I 152 00:07:07.120 --> 00:07:09.800 think yesterday one of the people that were there with us, 153 00:07:09.920 --> 00:07:12.160 she and I kind of had a moment where you know, 154 00:07:12.199 --> 00:07:15.839 you're We were at Kirkwood spring flaying. It's a total blast. 155 00:07:16.279 --> 00:07:19.600 One of my favorite bands is called the ham Strings, 156 00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:22.279 and they sing like great cover music. They were playing 157 00:07:22.399 --> 00:07:24.959 and when I first got there, I'd had one beer, 158 00:07:25.160 --> 00:07:27.519 I was getting ready to get my second beer. Ham 159 00:07:27.519 --> 00:07:31.199 Strings were starting. I was feeling really good, like and 160 00:07:31.240 --> 00:07:33.160 I forgot for a minute, like I was I was 161 00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:36.160 so happy. Everybody's laying on a blanket, we're having drinks. 162 00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:39.120 But then it's like, as the day wore on, I 163 00:07:39.199 --> 00:07:43.399 started to like notice all the families and their kids 164 00:07:43.480 --> 00:07:45.519 and my I don't know, she and I both were like, 165 00:07:45.560 --> 00:07:48.480 this is kind of like it's kind of triggering and 166 00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:50.519 that it's like this was supposed to be what I 167 00:07:50.519 --> 00:07:55.000 would be doing with my family or with my partner, 168 00:07:56.199 --> 00:07:59.160 and you know, there's kids running all over. My kids 169 00:07:59.240 --> 00:08:01.560 would have been there, They've been here where you've have 170 00:08:01.639 --> 00:08:04.240 a soccer game, but I don't know, it did bring 171 00:08:04.319 --> 00:08:06.120 up for me that not only the thing I'm going 172 00:08:06.120 --> 00:08:09.439 through right now, but then also like you're grieving this 173 00:08:09.639 --> 00:08:11.920 life that you thought you were going to live, and 174 00:08:11.959 --> 00:08:14.759 even though you walked away from it, now it's front 175 00:08:14.800 --> 00:08:18.519 and center in my face in my neighborhood. Just this 176 00:08:18.600 --> 00:08:21.720 is what I walked away from. These moms, this group, 177 00:08:21.920 --> 00:08:24.399 this social you know, the moms and the dads are 178 00:08:24.399 --> 00:08:26.920 all meeting up to like with their couple friends and 179 00:08:27.040 --> 00:08:30.000 like throwing the ball and hanging out. And it's like 180 00:08:30.079 --> 00:08:33.000 that's not going to be my life ever, because I'm 181 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:35.120 never going to share children with the partner. 182 00:08:35.200 --> 00:08:38.200 Gat yeah, well yeah, I mean that that part for sure, 183 00:08:38.279 --> 00:08:42.120 But I think I think right now in our stage 184 00:08:42.120 --> 00:08:45.120 of life where the kids are getting like a little older, 185 00:08:45.360 --> 00:08:45.720 you know. 186 00:08:46.120 --> 00:08:49.240 They're they're not as around as much. You know. 187 00:08:49.320 --> 00:08:51.759 That's like that's the thing for me, like with this weekend. 188 00:08:51.799 --> 00:08:53.879 And one of the reasons why I didn't come up 189 00:08:53.919 --> 00:08:56.720 there is like our summer is about to be slammed. 190 00:08:56.879 --> 00:08:59.799 I'm saying, like they both they're both in Brecon's doing 191 00:08:59.840 --> 00:09:02.559 three different camps. Kaylin's doing swim teams, She's training for 192 00:09:02.600 --> 00:09:04.440 a trath launch, She's going to Canada. 193 00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:06.720 Like there's just so many things. 194 00:09:06.440 --> 00:09:08.480 That we have on our plate right now, and I'm like, 195 00:09:08.559 --> 00:09:11.399 this is our last weekend before like the chaos ensues, 196 00:09:12.039 --> 00:09:15.399 you know, and it's like I want that time with 197 00:09:15.519 --> 00:09:19.960 them because it's it's flying by right now. Like I 198 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:22.360 invested a lot of time and energy into that person 199 00:09:22.399 --> 00:09:24.120 and like kind of building what I thought was going 200 00:09:24.200 --> 00:09:27.519 to be a future and a family and that person 201 00:09:27.519 --> 00:09:30.200 that I go to these like festivals with and events, 202 00:09:30.960 --> 00:09:35.120 and then that's not what happened. And so and like 203 00:09:35.279 --> 00:09:38.480 I'm you know, going to events here in Peachtree City. 204 00:09:38.519 --> 00:09:39.919 I went to one like a couple of weeks ago 205 00:09:39.960 --> 00:09:42.159 they do this like night market thing. I've never been 206 00:09:43.159 --> 00:09:45.120 and really only went because I wanted to go and 207 00:09:45.159 --> 00:09:46.879 see my kids and give them a hug because it 208 00:09:46.919 --> 00:09:49.000 wasn't like my night to have them. But I was 209 00:09:49.039 --> 00:09:51.240 like there, and I'm like, I just I feel so 210 00:09:51.759 --> 00:09:56.120 like I don't fit in in this space, Like I'm 211 00:09:56.120 --> 00:09:59.960 there alone, Like there's a billion like families, straight family, 212 00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:01.399 he's at that, and I'm just. 213 00:10:01.320 --> 00:10:03.200 Like God like kind of sucks. 214 00:10:03.879 --> 00:10:06.360 And so I think there is like, yeah, that deeper 215 00:10:06.440 --> 00:10:10.080 grief that continues to happen over this because like you know, 216 00:10:10.440 --> 00:10:15.320 closing in on eight years of going through this being 217 00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:18.159 divorce and being like wow, and I really thought like 218 00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:21.080 everything was going to happen really quickly and sert why 219 00:10:21.639 --> 00:10:22.159 that like. 220 00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:24.559 It doesn't fit. Okay, let's try this one. Let's try 221 00:10:24.559 --> 00:10:27.440 this one, this one. Fuck now, I'm out of time, 222 00:10:27.639 --> 00:10:29.000 is what it feels like. But I know I'm not 223 00:10:29.120 --> 00:10:29.639 out of time. 224 00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:32.639 I remember when I was a stay at home mom. 225 00:10:32.679 --> 00:10:34.759 I was a stay at home mom for almost fifteen 226 00:10:34.919 --> 00:10:37.799 For fifteen years until Chris and I got divorced, I 227 00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:40.039 never worked. I hung out with the same group of 228 00:10:40.080 --> 00:10:42.120 moms that also stayed at home. We got together with 229 00:10:42.159 --> 00:10:44.120 our kids all the time, and the kids were in school, 230 00:10:44.120 --> 00:10:47.600 we were still doing stuff together. But I remember that too, 231 00:10:47.759 --> 00:10:51.039 being like I had my my tight group, but there 232 00:10:51.120 --> 00:10:53.159 was like a bigger group at large. And I remember 233 00:10:53.480 --> 00:10:56.720 being told back then that like moms are also a 234 00:10:56.759 --> 00:11:00.720 tough demographic, they're not like they're so focused on their 235 00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:04.360 kids sometimes that I think they don't always include people 236 00:11:04.480 --> 00:11:07.559 they're not. I've heard moms say some pretty shitty things 237 00:11:07.600 --> 00:11:10.639 about other people's kids, or the mom or the way 238 00:11:10.679 --> 00:11:13.399 they raise their kids. Sometimes the odd man out as 239 00:11:13.440 --> 00:11:16.759 the mom. You're already not included. Now you're coming out, 240 00:11:16.879 --> 00:11:19.480 and now you're really not included, and not because of 241 00:11:19.519 --> 00:11:21.639 any fault of your own. It's just you're not a 242 00:11:21.639 --> 00:11:24.320 couple anymore. So with the kids and you, who are 243 00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:28.240 they inviting the dad with the kids? They should though, 244 00:11:28.600 --> 00:11:31.000 but they don't. Like I remember when I was married, 245 00:11:31.039 --> 00:11:33.919 I remember now the single moms with their kids. I 246 00:11:33.960 --> 00:11:36.039 don't remember including them. 247 00:11:36.080 --> 00:11:39.720 I knew any single moms. There aren't single moms here 248 00:11:39.879 --> 00:11:40.559 like there. 249 00:11:40.279 --> 00:11:43.039 Were a few down here. But I just remember they 250 00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:45.039 were working all the time, so they didn't have the 251 00:11:45.080 --> 00:11:49.200 same relationships because they were gone versus like I was 252 00:11:49.480 --> 00:11:52.759 well entrenched because these were my friends all day. Well, 253 00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:55.840 you're at work, we're having lunch, we're working out, we're 254 00:11:55.879 --> 00:11:58.360 walking with our babies. I mean, so I don't know. 255 00:11:58.440 --> 00:12:01.639 That hit me yesterday of like wow, life went on 256 00:12:02.000 --> 00:12:04.279 and I got off the train and I'm happy I did. 257 00:12:04.480 --> 00:12:06.639 But I got off the train and they're all still 258 00:12:06.679 --> 00:12:07.559 on it doing great. 259 00:12:07.679 --> 00:12:10.559 Yeah, but I mean that's surface level doing great. It is, 260 00:12:10.600 --> 00:12:13.159 so you don't you really don't know what's what all. 261 00:12:13.600 --> 00:12:15.440 And that's one thing I always trying to remind myself of. 262 00:12:15.519 --> 00:12:17.559 It's like I don't know what these other people are 263 00:12:17.559 --> 00:12:19.960 struggling with that I have no idea about, you know, 264 00:12:20.159 --> 00:12:22.559 and you know, I think it's all this to say, 265 00:12:22.799 --> 00:12:25.559 it's like these layers of grief that continue to happen, 266 00:12:25.639 --> 00:12:28.120 these layers of things that we feel like we're kind 267 00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:31.360 of missing out on. But then there's like the broader 268 00:12:31.399 --> 00:12:33.919 picture of like how would I feel if I was 269 00:12:33.960 --> 00:12:39.480 still that card mom knowing that I'm gay, Like you know, 270 00:12:39.600 --> 00:12:43.320 that was like rocking me to my core. So I 271 00:12:43.519 --> 00:12:45.320 would choose this you. 272 00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:48.799 And if everybody threw their problems into the middle, I 273 00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:51.039 will take my problems every single time. 274 00:12:51.120 --> 00:12:51.360 Yeah. 275 00:12:51.399 --> 00:12:54.000 But I ran into one of my neighbors, my favorite neighbor. 276 00:12:54.039 --> 00:12:56.679 I love her and I adore her husband. He helps 277 00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:00.279 me twice a week with something. He's killed roaches, he's 278 00:13:00.320 --> 00:13:03.799 helping my grass grow. He's over here building things, like 279 00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:06.440 he is my guy. And I said to her at 280 00:13:06.440 --> 00:13:08.399 the spring floating as I was like, oh my god, 281 00:13:08.440 --> 00:13:11.120 where's Bob today. I'm like, the best thing about Bob 282 00:13:11.200 --> 00:13:13.399 is it's like I have a husband right next door 283 00:13:13.440 --> 00:13:18.000 that I don't have to sleep with Bob. So she 284 00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:20.919 was dying and she's like, literally, she's like, he does 285 00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:23.200 more for you guys than us over here. 286 00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:24.840 That's funny. 287 00:13:25.519 --> 00:13:27.639 Yeah, So it's like, you don't need a husband, and 288 00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:28.399 I got Bob. 289 00:13:28.960 --> 00:13:30.159 Just find a Bob, you know. 290 00:13:31.080 --> 00:13:32.919 Oh my god. I call Bob and I'm like, there's 291 00:13:32.960 --> 00:13:33.960 a roach. I'm dying. 292 00:13:34.159 --> 00:13:34.919 Oh my god. 293 00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:38.200 I've had to just suck it up in those situations 294 00:13:38.200 --> 00:13:39.120 and deal with it myself. 295 00:13:39.159 --> 00:13:41.879 I hate it. Those are my least favorite bugs to kill. 296 00:13:42.639 --> 00:13:44.799 I can't sleep, like I will literally be up the 297 00:13:44.960 --> 00:13:46.440 entire night thinking about that roach. 298 00:13:46.519 --> 00:13:49.279 I actually had this happen recently where I found one 299 00:13:49.600 --> 00:13:52.759 in my bedroom. Like I'm getting off work, it's late 300 00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:55.639 at night. I go upstairs turn on the light and 301 00:13:55.679 --> 00:13:57.279 it's like you know when you turn on the lights, 302 00:13:57.279 --> 00:13:59.480 and it's like this fucking roach surprise party where they. 303 00:13:59.480 --> 00:14:01.960 Like, oh my god, the opposite of a surprise party. 304 00:14:01.960 --> 00:14:05.279 And they stopped and I was like, is it dead? 305 00:14:05.799 --> 00:14:08.480 And so I got like hairspray or something to go 306 00:14:08.519 --> 00:14:10.759 after it, and it runs into my bed. 307 00:14:11.440 --> 00:14:14.759 I'm a hotel. I have to go to a hotel now, dude. 308 00:14:14.960 --> 00:14:16.600 I had to just put it out of my brain 309 00:14:17.080 --> 00:14:17.639 because I was. 310 00:14:17.559 --> 00:14:20.519 Like, I need he's absolutely climbing up on the bed. 311 00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:21.840 Oh my god, please don't. 312 00:14:21.919 --> 00:14:24.360 I slept that night and I just told myself, you 313 00:14:24.360 --> 00:14:27.279 know what, you will survive if anything bad happens, It's 314 00:14:27.320 --> 00:14:29.600 not going to kill you. And I really needed sleep. 315 00:14:29.679 --> 00:14:30.799 But the very next. 316 00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:33.759 Day, oh my god, it does. I would feel it. 317 00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:34.919 I'm a light sleeper. 318 00:14:37.080 --> 00:14:40.200 This has happened in Florida when like Tom and I 319 00:14:40.360 --> 00:14:43.240 just started dating and I feel it crawl up my 320 00:14:43.360 --> 00:14:46.039 chest and I grabbed it in my sleep and I 321 00:14:46.120 --> 00:14:48.879 threw it at his back and like smacks him. 322 00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:49.559 He wakes up. 323 00:14:49.559 --> 00:14:51.320 We both jump out of bed, turn on the lights, 324 00:14:51.320 --> 00:14:53.039 and we watched the thing like run through the bed 325 00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:56.360 and disappear, and I was like, I'm not sleeping here tonight. 326 00:14:56.159 --> 00:14:58.200 And didn't you learn your lesson from that? 327 00:14:58.759 --> 00:15:01.759 I know maybe now because it's been like twenty something 328 00:15:01.840 --> 00:15:03.000 years find. 329 00:15:02.799 --> 00:15:05.399 But I just I didn't. 330 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:07.279 I didn't feel like I had a choice, and I 331 00:15:07.320 --> 00:15:09.720 didn't want to like alarm Breckon because if he knew, 332 00:15:10.399 --> 00:15:11.320 the world. 333 00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:12.440 Was going to end if he found out. 334 00:15:12.559 --> 00:15:16.559 So I ended up buying like the roach bombs, which 335 00:15:16.600 --> 00:15:20.000 I'm sure are just filled with cancer, like to spray 336 00:15:20.039 --> 00:15:22.720 in my backyard with like some kind of bug killers. 337 00:15:22.759 --> 00:15:24.639 Ever since I've done that, I've not seen a single 338 00:15:24.639 --> 00:15:26.720 freaking bug. I'm pretty sure I just like messed up 339 00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:29.960 the ecosystem for all of the city by spraying that shit. 340 00:15:30.120 --> 00:15:34.519 But it yeah, they're all at your neighbor's house. It's 341 00:15:34.559 --> 00:15:37.799 true though, those grief that happens. And I was good 342 00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:40.360 up until we left, and then I left early, as 343 00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:43.559 I do. I'm walking home by myself, and I just 344 00:15:43.639 --> 00:15:46.159 it hit me like, yeah, this is not what I 345 00:15:46.200 --> 00:15:49.200 signed up for. And a year ago at the same event, 346 00:15:49.440 --> 00:15:51.000 I was very very happy. 347 00:15:51.159 --> 00:15:51.399 Yeah. 348 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:53.960 So there's also like I think, accepting that there's going 349 00:15:54.039 --> 00:15:57.679 to be good and bad and like My mom used 350 00:15:57.720 --> 00:15:59.840 to always say, you can only be as happy as 351 00:15:59.879 --> 00:16:02.919 you been bad, Like you can't just be happy all 352 00:16:02.960 --> 00:16:04.919 the time. Or it's like there is no happy, like 353 00:16:04.960 --> 00:16:07.120 you could only be as happy as you've been sad. 354 00:16:07.360 --> 00:16:09.759 So it's like you're gonna have lows, You're gonna have hies, 355 00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:13.440 which is so much more fulfilling than just a blase 356 00:16:13.440 --> 00:16:15.840 a life where it's like nothing bad ever happens, nothing 357 00:16:15.840 --> 00:16:17.840 good ever happens, You're just like whatever. 358 00:16:18.039 --> 00:16:21.720 Yeah, that's very true, comparing what where you were at 359 00:16:21.799 --> 00:16:22.440 a year ago. 360 00:16:22.879 --> 00:16:25.240 Sometimes that's like a good thing to do. 361 00:16:25.360 --> 00:16:28.320 Like I did that recently, and I realized, like I'm 362 00:16:28.320 --> 00:16:30.440 in the same cycle that I was in a year ago. 363 00:16:30.639 --> 00:16:33.600 I'm and I need to do something to end it, 364 00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:39.240 you know, because I'm just like nothing's being fixed, nothing's changed. 365 00:16:39.279 --> 00:16:41.919 Aren't we our own demise too. It's like I think 366 00:16:41.919 --> 00:16:45.440 about decisions I've made that I understand fully why I 367 00:16:45.519 --> 00:16:48.960 made them. You make mistakes still that I'm like, I 368 00:16:48.960 --> 00:16:50.320 haven't learned that lesson yet. 369 00:16:50.399 --> 00:16:52.360 I guess, Yeah, that's just it. 370 00:16:52.360 --> 00:16:55.600 It's like you're gonna keep making that mistake until it 371 00:16:55.759 --> 00:16:59.600 really really walks in. Yeah, but there does come a 372 00:16:59.679 --> 00:17:03.440 time where you do have to be really honest with 373 00:17:03.480 --> 00:17:06.519 yourself and be like, this is happening because I keep 374 00:17:06.559 --> 00:17:08.880 doing it, you know, I'm staying stuck. 375 00:17:09.480 --> 00:17:11.759 But two things can be true. I think this is 376 00:17:11.799 --> 00:17:14.720 something doctor Lorie kind of helped me see, is that 377 00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:19.079 two things, like you can have two competing forces that 378 00:17:19.240 --> 00:17:23.400 need your attention, and you're forced sometimes to make decisions 379 00:17:23.440 --> 00:17:26.039 that you wouldn't normally make, or you make them out 380 00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:28.440 of fear, or you make them out of ease of 381 00:17:28.480 --> 00:17:32.079 making to protect somebody. They are all kinds of times 382 00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:33.720 that that that happens. 383 00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:37.000 Yeah, there's forces. 384 00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:40.240 Competing for what the needs are. Let's say, for example, 385 00:17:40.279 --> 00:17:43.160 let's say somebody had a partner and their child needed 386 00:17:43.160 --> 00:17:45.160 something and you had to cancel the date with the partner. 387 00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:48.240 The partner has completely been out of shape pissed, but 388 00:17:48.319 --> 00:17:50.160 the kid wanted to go to this party. And it 389 00:17:50.240 --> 00:17:52.599 might seem like not a big deal, but it's like 390 00:17:52.680 --> 00:17:55.960 these two competing forces that oftentimes you have to do 391 00:17:56.039 --> 00:17:58.920 things that feel bad for one good for another, and 392 00:17:58.960 --> 00:18:03.319 then you suffer the wrath of that decision and you 393 00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:06.000 did it again and all these things. But it's like, really, 394 00:18:06.119 --> 00:18:08.839 if you look at the big picture, the body of 395 00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:11.920 work is so good. Yeah, and I'm not talking to 396 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:13.960 anybody in particular. 397 00:18:16.079 --> 00:18:20.200 Maybe, but I don't know. 398 00:18:20.279 --> 00:18:22.240 I think you're right, like in the sense of like, 399 00:18:22.319 --> 00:18:26.000 sometimes we're making decisions because someone else is in our 400 00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:29.039 life that we are kind of making those decisions with them. 401 00:18:29.480 --> 00:18:33.640