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Speaker 3: Hello and welcome to Fearless Fabulous. You. I am your
Speaker 3: host Melanie Young and Melanie Fabulous on Instagram. I hope
Speaker 3: you are having a nice start to October twenty twenty
Speaker 3: four when this show is airing. Wow October, let's just
Speaker 3: talk about the Wow Pow Wow Zow month. It is
Speaker 3: when it comes to celebration months. It could kind of
Speaker 3: knock you up and make you excited or knock you
Speaker 3: down and make you feel stressed. Okay, October is Breast
Speaker 3: cancer Awareness month. You know I support breast cancer awareness
Speaker 3: because I am a survivor diagnosed in two thousand and nine.
Speaker 3: Knock wood doing Okay, I'll be doing a show on that.
Speaker 3: But to all of you who are surviving and thriving,
Speaker 3: I give you a hug. It is also strange in
Speaker 3: the world of wine and food, a strange month called
Speaker 3: sober October where people are not drinking. I'm not sure why,
Speaker 3: because I'm a believer in mindful moderation and responsible consumption
Speaker 3: of alcohol every day of the week. But if it
Speaker 3: makes you feel disciplined for this thirty one days not
Speaker 3: to drink in preparation for drinking like crazy during the holidays,
Speaker 3: go for it. There's some great non alcohol all alcohol
Speaker 3: free options out there. It's also come over October because
Speaker 3: some folks in the wine business became alarmed that sobriety
Speaker 3: was being embraced at a key selling time in the
Speaker 3: wine business, which also happens to be harvest in the
Speaker 3: Northern Hemisphere. Come Over October is to encourage people to
Speaker 3: enjoy wine in a social situation with friends. I support that.
Speaker 3: I support enjoying wine responsibly with food and with friends.
Speaker 3: I try to do that all the time with dinner
Speaker 3: parties and never drinking and driving always have a lift
Speaker 3: or uber, so they're all sorts of things. It's also
Speaker 3: a Hispanic Heritage Month. Love it. I salute and honor
Speaker 3: all Latino, LATINX Hispanic. Just an article on this, there's
Speaker 3: many terms. I really respect and honor and appreciate what
Speaker 3: people of all backgrounds have brought to the United States.
Speaker 3: I really do that did yesterday David and I celebrated
Speaker 3: International Taco Day with tacos and I had a cocktail,
Speaker 3: a seafood cocktail. There's a lot going on. There's also
Speaker 3: a little big thing in the country. Well, first of all,
Speaker 3: for those who celebrate Lashaunatova, the Jewish high Holy Holidays
Speaker 3: starts today today is October two, twenty twenty four. I
Speaker 3: have a Jewish heritage. My father was more developed than
Speaker 3: my mother and me, but I honor it. And this
Speaker 3: is a very important week to Jews to reflect on
Speaker 3: what has been and what will be, and to focus
Speaker 3: on doing the concept of mitzpah, which is doing a
Speaker 3: good deed. The way it goes is God opens a book.
Speaker 3: And when I was a little girl, I saw God,
Speaker 3: you know, big God up in heaven. He had a
Speaker 3: big crown in his head. He opened this giant book
Speaker 3: and I was so scared because my mom would say, well,
Speaker 3: you know, if you've been bad all year, he's going
Speaker 3: to write your name in the book, and then he
Speaker 3: will close it on young Kapor, and everybody in the
Speaker 3: boast is going to die. The boy was I scared,
Speaker 3: so I ran around to be nice to people all
Speaker 3: week so that my name wouldn't be in the book.
Speaker 3: I'm grown up now, and I still believe in the
Speaker 3: concept of mitzvah, not just during this week, but every day.
Speaker 3: Try to make someone's life better by saying something nice.
Speaker 3: And that's what we're going to talk about today, how
Speaker 3: not to open your mouth and insert your foot, because
Speaker 3: a lot of people are doing that now. A lot
Speaker 3: of people just don't know what to say anymore, and
Speaker 3: a lot of people are saying just the stupidest things
Speaker 3: and sharing just the stupidest things on social media without
Speaker 3: fact checking or checking their words. So we're going to
Speaker 3: talk about that because what you say can be interpreted
Speaker 3: many ways, and people are uber super sensitive. Now. I mean,
Speaker 3: we do have something going on in the United States
Speaker 3: called a presidential election. Boy, words can be taken and
Speaker 3: shaped and spit out and regurgitated in a lot of ways.
Speaker 3: We all saw that in the president debate and the
Speaker 3: Vice presidential debate where suddenly, as we know, we were
Speaker 3: all afraid of Haitians in Ohio eating pets. Okay, you know, weird.
Speaker 3: It was weird, But that's an example of how you
Speaker 3: got to really watch with just say, because it became
Speaker 3: a farce and it became it's not a fact, it's
Speaker 3: a fallacy, but it became like the news story. And
Speaker 3: you don't want something stupid that you say to become
Speaker 3: You don't want to become the news of all these days.
Speaker 3: Let me just tell you, but you certainly don't want
Speaker 3: to become in the news because you said something absolutely insane,
Speaker 3: weird and stupid. More importantly, a lot of people are
Speaker 3: suffering right now. I just can't stand it. I try
Speaker 3: so hurt every day to wake up and be positive,
Speaker 3: but you know, we've got this looming war in the
Speaker 3: Middle East. I feel for everybody in that beautiful fertile crescent.
Speaker 3: It is beautiful. I feel for everybody. We've got our
Speaker 3: friends from the Floridas to the Carolinas and southern Appalachian
Speaker 3: Virginia who've been impacted by Hurricane Helene and tyres hounds
Speaker 3: have been wiped out. We have friends who are suffering
Speaker 3: because they've lost loved ones, they're struggling financially. There's so
Speaker 3: many reasons, which is why on today's show, we're going
Speaker 3: to talk about how to be sensitive and be caring
Speaker 3: and use and choose your words carefully so they help
Speaker 3: heal and don't hurt. And this is important. It's important socially,
Speaker 3: it's important for people's mental health, it's important for your career,
Speaker 3: and in business, it's important if you're dealing with different
Speaker 3: people from different backgrounds. I just did an article for
Speaker 3: a wine publication on how to market to multi cultural audiences,
Speaker 3: which means people who are not you know, who are
Speaker 3: from different countries. And one of the things that you know,
Speaker 3: one of my resources set is choose your words carefully
Speaker 3: because what you think is okay to say in your
Speaker 3: language and your country and your culture may not be
Speaker 3: correct or interpreted well in another country. I could go
Speaker 3: on about that. Because we traveled to Italy a lot,
Speaker 3: we've seen some of the funniest things. It's just usually interpretations.
Speaker 3: You know. I know that I introduced my husband as
Speaker 3: my wife because I got the word confused in Italy
Speaker 3: and everybody laughed at me. I know, once I was.
Speaker 3: I was on lunch in Italy and I used a
Speaker 3: word that I thought was a good word but actually meant,
Speaker 3: you know, woman's vagina, and everybody laughed at meet the table,
Speaker 3: and I was under the table with embarrassment. So sometimes
Speaker 3: it's just you don't know the language. But if you
Speaker 3: know the language and it's your language, choose the language
Speaker 3: you know, choose your words carefully. So we're going to
Speaker 3: start it like this. We're going to start about questions
Speaker 3: you should probably never ask anybody and what you should
Speaker 3: ask instead. Okay, and you may have been asked these
Speaker 3: questions and you know what I'm talking about. Let's start
Speaker 3: with eating and drinking. Okay, everybody loves eat and drink.
Speaker 3: A lot of people are sensitive about their weight. A
Speaker 3: lot of people don't want to hear about your diet.
Speaker 3: They don't want to hear about oh I'm so fat.
Speaker 3: They just want to enjoy your food. So a couple
Speaker 3: of things. First of all, as I said, it's sober
Speaker 3: or October, you should never ask someone why aren't you drinking?
Speaker 3: It's really none of your business. There are many reasons
Speaker 3: people choose not to consume alcohol. They could be religious,
Speaker 3: they could be pregnant. There could be health reasons. They
Speaker 3: may not want to drink and drive. They may not
Speaker 3: feel like drinking, they may be embracing sober curiosity, or
Speaker 3: maybe they're recovering from a drinking problem. It really is
Speaker 3: none of your business, and so don't ask. Just say,
Speaker 3: I say you're not drinking. A better way to say
Speaker 3: it is would you if you do, what would you
Speaker 3: like to drink? And let them say I would like
Speaker 3: a non alcoholic cocktail or so. And then don't say, oh,
Speaker 3: you don't want alcohol, just say sure, let me get
Speaker 3: it for you. And if you're entertaining at home, always
Speaker 3: have no alcohol options. So never ask someone why they're
Speaker 3: not drinking. People ask me that all the time, and
Speaker 3: I drink wine all the time, but there's some days
Speaker 3: I don't want to drink, or I'm the designated driver
Speaker 3: and I don't feel like I need to explain myself.
Speaker 3: That's number one. And remember it's sober October this month,
Speaker 3: so that's a good one. Ah. Don't you hate it
Speaker 3: when you go out to dinner and somebody goes, I
Speaker 3: really shouldn't be eating this, But well, don't say it.
Speaker 3: Just shut up. And on the flip side, You should
Speaker 3: not look at somebody and go are you really eating that?
Speaker 3: Like maybe they're eating and unfortunately I have done that with
Speaker 3: my husband. Maybe you know you have a loved one
Speaker 3: wink wink who says he wants to lose weight. Wink wink,
Speaker 3: And then you go on this big trip and he
Speaker 3: loads his plate up with salumi, bacon and everything possible
Speaker 3: that's high and saturated fat. Well, you love that person.
Speaker 3: You could say are you really going to eat that?
Speaker 3: And that person's gonna be pissed at you and say,
Speaker 3: shut the you know what up, I'll do what I want. So,
Speaker 3: rather than even sounding judgmental, just don't ask are you
Speaker 3: really eating that? Let them eat it. It's their body,
Speaker 3: their choice, their problem if they get sick, same with
Speaker 3: should you be eating that? Oh? I hate it when
Speaker 3: people ask me that, h or drinking that. No, I
Speaker 3: should not be eating a lot of cheese. It really
Speaker 3: upsets my stomach. But damn it, I like cheese and
Speaker 3: I'm gonna eat it and don't tell me not to.
Speaker 3: So don't ask judgmental or perceive judgmental questions about a
Speaker 3: person's choice about what they're eating and drinking. Unless and
Speaker 3: there's always an unless unless you know for a fact
Speaker 3: that they have a severe health situation or a allergy
Speaker 3: that could be impacted by what they're eating. Perfect example,
Speaker 3: if you know a loved one has an allergy to
Speaker 3: dairy or shellfish or peanuts, and you know for a
Speaker 3: fact that the dish contains that, you should speak up
Speaker 3: and say, honey, friend, whoever love you, just want to
Speaker 3: let you know that that dish I believe contains or
Speaker 3: may contain, let's check something you're allergic to, and I
Speaker 3: just want to make sure you know that before you
Speaker 3: put it in your mouth, because I care. Same if
Speaker 3: you know someone has a drinking problem and they're reaching
Speaker 3: for alcohol or maybe they've had too much to drink,
Speaker 3: the better thing to say is, you know, I think
Speaker 3: it's time for us to maybe switch to something else.
Speaker 3: I know I need to how about you let's get
Speaker 3: some water, or just say you know what, I could
Speaker 3: use some water. Now, how about you let me bring
Speaker 3: you some and fill up that big glass handed to
Speaker 3: them and slowly while they're not paying attention, to move
Speaker 3: the drink away. Okay, So if impacts their health or
Speaker 3: the well being of that person or others, it is okay.
Speaker 3: To say something, because you should speak up, but don't
Speaker 3: be judgmental. If they're just having a good time eating
Speaker 3: and drinking, okay, lifestyle. Oh, this happens to me all
Speaker 3: the time. So when I was single, people would always
Speaker 3: ask how does it feel to be single for so long? Okay,
Speaker 3: that's rude. It's also rude to say why aren't you married? Like,
Speaker 3: what's your problem? I don't feel like anyone has to
Speaker 3: explain why they're not married, and you're putting people on
Speaker 3: the spot. Maybe they don't want to be married, maybe
Speaker 3: they never found the right person, maybe they are unlucky
Speaker 3: in love. It's really none of your business. Why don't
Speaker 3: you have children? Or when are you going to have children?
Speaker 3: Or when are you starting to plan a family? Get
Speaker 3: I used to get that all I still get that,
Speaker 3: And I'm sixty five and I've been menopausal for like
Speaker 3: fifteen years and people are still asking me why I
Speaker 3: don't have a family or why I didn't have children,
Speaker 3: And you know, I don't really want to get into well,
Speaker 3: I was forty eight when I got married, and then
Speaker 3: I got cancer at fifty and then I went into menopause,
Speaker 3: and I didn't really want to have children as a
Speaker 3: single woman. I could give a whole long winded explanation,
Speaker 3: but really it's none of your f you know what business, right,
Speaker 3: So don't ask people about their lifestyle decisions, whether they're married,
Speaker 3: they're single, whether they're dating a man or a woman,
Speaker 3: or they're having children they're not having children. I did
Speaker 3: a piece called not being a mother doesn't make me
Speaker 3: any less of a woman. It got picked up by
Speaker 3: a zillion Huffington posts and I didn't get paid for
Speaker 3: all that, sadly, but it deserve a purpose that you
Speaker 3: are wonderful no matter what. You are an amazing woman,
Speaker 3: whether you're a mother or not. And if you don't
Speaker 3: want to be a woman, that's your business too. Okay,
Speaker 3: So lifestyle and another one. I get this now, why
Speaker 3: are you still renting? Why aren't you buying a house? Well,
Speaker 3: it's none of your business, you know again, none of
Speaker 3: your bease, wax. I don't own a house. I had
Speaker 3: two houses. They were like nooses around my neck. All
Speaker 3: I did was seem to repair them. I don't like mortgages.
Speaker 3: I could go on and on why I don't own
Speaker 3: a house, but it's really not anyone's business but my own.
Speaker 3: Why I choose to rent. And you shouldn't ask anyone
Speaker 3: who is still renting why they're not owning. You shouldn't
Speaker 3: ask anyone who says they're having financial problems why they
Speaker 3: don't do a reverse mortgage. If people complain about their money,
Speaker 3: just let them complain, but don't offer your nine thousand
Speaker 3: opinions or say, well, maybe you spend too much, maybe
Speaker 3: you're not saving enough. People probably know what they're doing wrong,
Speaker 3: and frankly, if they know they're having financial problems, they
Speaker 3: should see a professional financial advisor and not let you
Speaker 3: lay guilt trips on them. I think that's really important
Speaker 3: because a lot of times, when you think you're offering
Speaker 3: helpful advice and asking helpful questions, you're laying the guilt trip.
Speaker 3: And let me tell you, nobody wants to take a
Speaker 3: guilt trip. They want to take a vacation. So somebody's
Speaker 3: complaining that the vacation costs too much, then don't give
Speaker 3: them a guilt trip, okay by saying well you shouldn't
Speaker 3: have taken it, Why I just spent so much money?
Speaker 3: You know at that point you spend it. Just let
Speaker 3: them bitch and don't say anything. Career are you still
Speaker 3: in the same old job, or when are you getting
Speaker 3: a promotion? Or why do you staying in that job?
Speaker 3: Or how much money do you make? Or lazy? No?
Speaker 3: Can I pick your brain? I love what you do.
Speaker 3: Can I pick your brain? I could go on and
Speaker 3: on about that. You know, a lot of people may
Speaker 3: complain they're at dead end jobs. A lot of people
Speaker 3: may say they want to switch jobs. A lot of
Speaker 3: people may like their jobs. But it's not your choice
Speaker 3: to give your opinion or judgment on what they're doing
Speaker 3: for work unless they ask you for it. If somebody says,
Speaker 3: what do you think I could do better than what
Speaker 3: I'm doing now? We are considering my talents, then and say, wow,
Speaker 3: I'm so impressed you ask me that. I'm honored. I'd
Speaker 3: love to help you. If you don't mind, I'll give
Speaker 3: you some of my own thoughts. You can use them
Speaker 3: any way you want. I am sure. My husband is
Speaker 3: sick and tired of me talking about the nine million
Speaker 3: changes I want to make in my life. In fact,
Speaker 3: he sighs wearily and simply says, just shut up and
Speaker 3: write your book, because that's really what you want to
Speaker 3: be doing. Okay, That's how he handles it. He also,
Speaker 3: I noticed puts earplugs in his ears, and half the
Speaker 3: time I'm talking to him, he doesn't hear what I'm
Speaker 3: saying because he's listening to music. Ever happened to you, Yeah? Right?
Speaker 3: So with career, you know a lot of people are
Speaker 3: really happy in their career. You may not approve of
Speaker 3: their career, but if they're happy, I'm so happy that
Speaker 3: you love your job and career, I'm happy for you.
Speaker 3: That's a great line to say. I'm genuinely happy for you.
Speaker 3: How wonderful that you love your job. I'm happy for you.
Speaker 3: It doesn't mean you need to launch into how miserable
Speaker 3: you are in your job. It doesn't mean to say, oh,
Speaker 3: if you're so happy with your job, can I get
Speaker 3: my niece to interview with you. It just simply just
Speaker 3: say I'm happy for you. Okay, keep it simple. Okay.
Speaker 3: This is some of my big pet peas, and they
Speaker 3: all happened to me recently. So my mother, God bless her,
Speaker 3: she died. I was her caregiver. It was hard. I've
Speaker 3: talked about it on some of the shows here. She
Speaker 3: left me her house and I could choose to live
Speaker 3: in it or I could choose to sell it. I
Speaker 3: chose to sell it because, you know, I didn't want
Speaker 3: to have to deal with all the repairs. I don't
Speaker 3: need to explain why I chose to sell it. Again,
Speaker 3: a lot of people said, why are you selling the house?
Speaker 3: And here we go again, I'd have to explain when
Speaker 3: I'm selling the house. It's really none of your business.
Speaker 3: I'm choosing to sell the house. And then the worst
Speaker 3: is how much would you sell your house for? Well
Speaker 3: it's probably public knowledge anyway, but to this day people
Speaker 3: still hound me about it. I know what I got
Speaker 3: for my house, what's it good for your house? Well,
Speaker 3: it's like asking me how much money I make, and
Speaker 3: you know, what's your income or how big is your
Speaker 3: portfolio or you know. I don't like probing financial questions.
Speaker 3: I don't like hearing about others people's financial acumen. Good
Speaker 3: for them, but you know, I really think you've got
Speaker 3: to be very careful when you talk to people about money,
Speaker 3: because everybody has different relationships with money and their own
Speaker 3: personal finances. And you never want to make someone feel
Speaker 3: uncomfortable because they're not comfortable talking about their finances. I
Speaker 3: am a perfect example. I don't like talking about money.
Speaker 3: I don't like dealing with money. I don't like being
Speaker 3: asked about money, and I don't like it on the table,
Speaker 3: and don't ask me. But people still ask me all
Speaker 3: the time, And all those people are getting unfriended because
Speaker 3: I'm done, don't want to be bothered. So another one.
Speaker 3: This one kills me and also has happened to me.
Speaker 3: Your physical look. A lot of people love how they look,
Speaker 3: a lot of people hate how they look. A lot
Speaker 3: of people complain about how they look. If they complain
Speaker 3: about how they look, it's not for you to agree
Speaker 3: and go, yeah, I agree, you're not looking so great
Speaker 3: these days. Just shut up and let them complain that.
Speaker 3: They're not asking you for your opinion, they're just spouting off.
Speaker 3: Perfect example. Had I felt bloated today, I said, I'm
Speaker 3: so bloated. My husband knows just to shut up and go, yeah,
Speaker 3: you gained weight, you should be losing it. We have
Speaker 3: a packed here at the Young Ransom House that you know,
Speaker 3: when we talk about weight, the other person just shuts up. Okay,
Speaker 3: we know what the situation is. We don't need to
Speaker 3: remind each other. We just let it go. But this morning,
Speaker 3: when I woke up, I realized I started talking about
Speaker 3: an egg of pain and a bloat, and I said
Speaker 3: to myself, Wow, I'm starting to sound like my mother.
Speaker 3: She did that every morning, and it was annoying because
Speaker 3: you didn't know what to do. Agree with her, nod
Speaker 3: your head, shake your head, offer her medication, and in
Speaker 3: the goal of not becoming my mother in my advancing age,
Speaker 3: I silently said to myself, Melanie, when I wake up
Speaker 3: every morning, I will not talk about my physical feelings
Speaker 3: and my physical aches and pains. They're there, but I
Speaker 3: don't need to share same with Never ask someone if
Speaker 3: they've put on weight. They probably have and you don't
Speaker 3: need to ask that. And worse, when does your baby do?
Speaker 3: I remember, I swear to God, there was a period
Speaker 3: where I had put on weight, not sure why, but
Speaker 3: I know stress was part of it. And I had
Speaker 3: what you call the bulge, kind of like what I'm
Speaker 3: having right now. And it could be diet, it could
Speaker 3: be stressed, it could be hormones, it could be my town.
Speaker 3: Whatever it is. You have the muffin top that maybe
Speaker 3: could be the little bulge that could look like a
Speaker 3: baby bump. And literally, somebody came up to me at
Speaker 3: a social event and patted my stomach and asked me
Speaker 3: when I was due. I was due nowhere except ready
Speaker 3: to go home. I was ready to do home, to
Speaker 3: just put my head under a pillow, and I just said, nah,
Speaker 3: just fat. She was embarrassed. I was not really embarrassed
Speaker 3: after I said that. But don't make people feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 3: I've seen people ask that stupid question all the time,
Speaker 3: even if someone's like eight months pregnant. I don't ask
Speaker 3: one does your baby do? I always say how are
Speaker 3: you doing? What's going on with your life? And let
Speaker 3: them talk. Well, if you notice I'm pregnant and I'm
Speaker 3: having a baby in a month, let them talk about it.
Speaker 3: Don't put yourself on the spot or put anybody else
Speaker 3: on the spot. Another one, are you really wearing that? Okay, granted,
Speaker 3: you probably have a friend or a spouse, some partner
Speaker 3: who's putting on something really that is not in their
Speaker 3: best interest, or maybe it's just something you don't like.
Speaker 3: Rather than saying are you really wearing that? Say wow,
Speaker 3: that's an interesting outfit. I know interesting is a loaded word,
Speaker 3: or just don't say anything unless it really is not
Speaker 3: a great outfit for them because it's showing muff and
Speaker 3: top cellulate, too much boob, too much ass, too much hair,
Speaker 3: too tight, probably gonna rip, has a stain in the
Speaker 3: wrong area, you know what it means. But if somebody
Speaker 3: wants to wear purple, green and yellow and black and
Speaker 3: brown and one outfit, they do that and Marty girl
Speaker 3: all the time, it's considered quite acceptable. If someone wants
Speaker 3: to wear sequence during the day. If someone just wants
Speaker 3: to wear strongs all the time, moah, don't say are
Speaker 3: you really wearing that? Just say nothing. Just don't say anything.
Speaker 3: Sometimes nobody really wants your opinion, and if they did,
Speaker 3: they'd ask you, like, how do you think I look
Speaker 3: in this outfit? Well, then you can say, well, I
Speaker 3: think you look better in certain other outfits. But if
Speaker 3: that's what you want to wear it, nine times out
Speaker 3: of ten they'll change. My husband will say, do you
Speaker 3: think I'll like how does this belt look? Well, the
Speaker 3: belt doesn't look great because it's beaten up, So maybe
Speaker 3: don't wear a belt. Or does this color work with
Speaker 3: that color? Eh, you could do better, you could do worse.
Speaker 3: Maybe try this instead. But if you really don't like
Speaker 3: the way somebody dresses, buy them a gift with something
Speaker 3: really fun that you think that would make their appearance
Speaker 3: look better, But don't make them feel bad by saying
Speaker 3: they look like crap with what they're wearing. Some people
Speaker 3: really love what they're wearing. And I'm going to give
Speaker 3: you an example of something that was really upsetting for
Speaker 3: me that drove this home. Besides the fact that somebody
Speaker 3: happen patted my stomach and thought I was pregnant and
Speaker 3: I wasn't, this is a really important thing to understand. Physically,
Speaker 3: everybody has their own sense of identity and beauty, and
Speaker 3: there is a movement now because a lot of young
Speaker 3: Afro American children were teased about their hair, and that
Speaker 3: is a big issue. You don't tease anybody about their
Speaker 3: hair period. I remember when I was little, I had
Speaker 3: frizzy hair. I don't know why, because I don't really
Speaker 3: have what they call the jew fro. I don't have
Speaker 3: like a fro. I just had messy hair, probably because
Speaker 3: my mother never brushed my hair. She was too busy
Speaker 3: working and not being available, and I didn't do it
Speaker 3: and didn't care. And honestly, today I still hate brushing
Speaker 3: my hair. But people call me nape. They called me
Speaker 3: are you ready Medusa. Okay, that was mean. Medusa was
Speaker 3: the evil person I think in Greek mythology who had
Speaker 3: snakes for hair. So they called me the Medusa because
Speaker 3: my hair was unruly. And then they called me tiny Tim,
Speaker 3: which is really sad because he was a really ugly
Speaker 3: singer with a big nose. And the hurt also and
Speaker 3: it took a long while to deal with that in
Speaker 3: a nose job. But just don't tease people or ask
Speaker 3: him about their hair or make them feel bad. Another
Speaker 3: case in point, I had a client who I actually
Speaker 3: did not like and liked less after this situation where
Speaker 3: she told me I had to go tell a nice
Speaker 3: young server who was serving her beverage to hide his tattoos.
Speaker 3: He had to cover himself up, and of course I
Speaker 3: had to go do all the dirty work and say
Speaker 3: do you mind x y Z client has asked that
Speaker 3: you cover your tattoos? Okay, I should have not said
Speaker 3: that because he started to cry because I really am
Speaker 3: hurt his identity, his tattoos where his body aret. I
Speaker 3: was insensitive. I hurt his feelings and to this day
Speaker 3: it hurts me that I did that. Instead, what you
Speaker 3: say is do you mind? We'd prefer that all the
Speaker 3: servers wear. There's sleeves down. It's just a look that
Speaker 3: they want for this brand. I hope you understand. Still
Speaker 3: not great, but it's better than hide your tattoos. So
Speaker 3: you got to choose your words carefully. An example from
Speaker 3: the article I just wrote, which was on multicultural marketing
Speaker 3: in the wine role. While multicultural marketing is a better
Speaker 3: word now than ethnic, I've learned ethnic is not cool.
Speaker 3: And listen, I'm still learning all the uncool words out
Speaker 3: there because back in the day, ethnic was a good,
Speaker 3: okay word, Now it's not so good. Another one I
Speaker 3: have been told not to use by a good friend,
Speaker 3: Joyce Lynn, who was sipped with Joyce. She's a certified
Speaker 3: so lie and she's Asian American, and she said, if
Speaker 3: you're working with Asian Americans, don't use the word exotic
Speaker 3: or oriental. Wow, my dad, he was so politically incorrect,
Speaker 3: That's all I'm going to say, because he used the
Speaker 3: word oriental all the time because back in his day
Speaker 3: when he was traveling around the Orient as it was called,
Speaker 3: that's what you said. But it's not cool now. So
Speaker 3: you need to be very aware and take the time
Speaker 3: to do the research when you're dealing with any one,
Speaker 3: much less different groups to make sure wording you're using
Speaker 3: is not offensive to that person, organization, community, multicultural groups.
Speaker 3: It's complicated, right, because everybody's got sensitivities now, But you
Speaker 3: know what, you gotta do it and I'm gonna so
Speaker 3: in preparing for this show, I do prepare for the show.
Speaker 3: It's not just always off the top of my head.
Speaker 3: I found some interesting links and one of those eight
Speaker 3: polite questions that are actually offensive, I've actually asked all
Speaker 3: of them to you except for one, and it's are
Speaker 3: you sick? You don't ever ask someone if they're sick,
Speaker 3: say how are you feeling? Or I notice your coffee?
Speaker 3: Can I get you some water? Say are you sick?
Speaker 3: Here's another one many of our friends right now, Well, okay,
Speaker 3: if a friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer, it's
Speaker 3: breast cancer Awareness Month. Things not to say to someone
Speaker 3: who's been diagnosed with breast cancer question The bext is
Speaker 3: how are you feeling? How can I be of help?
Speaker 3: If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
Speaker 3: Can I take care of something for you while you're
Speaker 3: dealing with this. I'm here to listen don't offer your opinion,
Speaker 3: don't talk about you know, your great at Ethel who
Speaker 3: died of breast cancer. Don't talk about somebody else's condition.
Speaker 3: And don't blurt out, as someone did to me, are
Speaker 3: you going to lose your hair? Just don't say and
Speaker 3: offer anything. Just say I'm here for you. How can
Speaker 3: I be of help? Same with anyone who has a
Speaker 3: loved one who's been impacted by Hurricane Helene. I reached
Speaker 3: out to everyone I knew in the affected impacted areas.
Speaker 3: Suddenly is a lot of area, and I said, I'm
Speaker 3: checking in to see if you and your loved one
Speaker 3: and your home are okay, and if there's anything I
Speaker 3: can do for you. And everyone just said thank you
Speaker 3: so much. I really appreciate it. Offer help if you can,
Speaker 3: just ask. Not enough people are asking the simple words,
Speaker 3: how are you doing. I have a friend whose family
Speaker 3: heritage is Lebanese, and Lebanon is now at war with Israel,
Speaker 3: and she was actually in the Baca Valley during harvest
Speaker 3: preparing for harvest and had to leave because of the attacks.
Speaker 3: This week. I wrote her, I said, I just want
Speaker 3: to let you know I'm thinking about you. I know
Speaker 3: this is a difficultuckle time. It is difficult. She lives
Speaker 3: in the United States, but you know she has heritage
Speaker 3: and Lebanon and family roots. I said, how are you doing?
Speaker 3: She didn't even have to respond how are you doing?
Speaker 3: How are you feeling? Because most people are not okay?
Speaker 3: So saying are you okay probably isn't. Most people are
Speaker 3: not okay. If your country is being bombed, if you're
Speaker 3: living in a flood zone, if you've been diagnosed with
Speaker 3: breast cancer, if you're grieving for someone who has passed away,
Speaker 3: are your caregiving a dying parent, You're not okay? Okay?
Speaker 3: So rather than say are you okay? Say I know
Speaker 3: this could be it's a difficult time for you. How
Speaker 3: can I help? How are you doing? Is there anything
Speaker 3: that can do for you? What can I do to
Speaker 3: help you? Just even if they say nothing, say just
Speaker 3: say I'm there for you. I'm there for you in spirit.
Speaker 3: I mean, God knows. I've sent that out so many
Speaker 3: times on social media, for lost pet for pets who die,
Speaker 3: for children who die, for parents who die, for breadths,
Speaker 3: everybody seems to be dropping dead, and all I'm doing
Speaker 3: is saying I am so sorry. I'm sending my condolences.
Speaker 3: How can I help? If I can, that's all you
Speaker 3: can do, But do it. Be there. That's the best
Speaker 3: way to be there is just to say those words.
Speaker 3: A lot of people have said, you're the first person
Speaker 3: who's actually reached out and asked me that. So eight
Speaker 3: annoying questions you should never ask. This is from Best
Speaker 3: Life Online. It's probably old because everything's old. Twenty twenty three.
Speaker 3: Not so bad. We've covered some of these, but here
Speaker 3: you go the writer. Let's give the writer credit. Lauren Gray.
Speaker 3: She says, asking thoughtful questions is part of how we
Speaker 3: communicate and get to know each other. Yet when we're
Speaker 3: on a fact finding mission, it's easy to veer into
Speaker 3: topics that can make people uncomfortable or come across as offensive. Okay,
Speaker 3: Jody R. R. Smith of man Or Smith Etiquette Consulting. Yes,
Speaker 3: they're etiquette experts out there to help with this. I
Speaker 3: should be one of those, says one. When are you
Speaker 3: getting married? We've touched down that again. Don't make people
Speaker 3: feel uncomfortable because they're still fabulous and single. We need
Speaker 3: to having kids. That seems to be the immediate question,
Speaker 3: Like three days after someone's married, None of your business
Speaker 3: maybe you don't want to. You don't need to have
Speaker 3: someone have to explain. Why are you still single? Address
Speaker 3: that already? How much did that cost? Oh? God, I
Speaker 3: have a relative asset all the time. I mean i'll
Speaker 3: have I'll like have something. How much did that cost?
Speaker 3: How much did you sell it for? I hate talking
Speaker 3: about money. If you're like me, don't ask how much
Speaker 3: something cost or have they sold something for? Just say
Speaker 3: that's lovely. I'm so happy you have it. You know.
Speaker 3: It's like if somebody you know inherits beautiful jewelry or art,
Speaker 3: don't go, well, you're so lucky you've inherited all this
Speaker 3: amazing stuff. Wow, that must be expensive. Don't say anything,
Speaker 3: just say that's beautiful. I hope you enjoy it in
Speaker 3: good health. Okay, how much do you make? We talked
Speaker 3: about that. Never ask someone else, Never ask someone how
Speaker 3: much money they make. That's just rude, just rude. Uh.
Speaker 3: It makes up there with how much is that gonna
Speaker 3: cost you? It's rude. How old are you? Oh? My
Speaker 3: mother was so obsessed with that, the older she got
Speaker 3: them where people she asked that, like I remember sitting
Speaker 3: she was sitting at a birthday party for people at
Speaker 3: her life care center and everybody was clearly old, and
Speaker 3: she ran around the table going how old are you?
Speaker 3: And I'm like, okay, I'll forgive her because she has
Speaker 3: nothing loved to talk about but her age. But you know,
Speaker 3: it's one of the most basic biographical facts of your life.
Speaker 3: And it's really not anybody's business because age is just
Speaker 3: a number. My mother always used to say, when she
Speaker 3: was less fixated on her age. I'm as old as
Speaker 3: I feel in the day that I'm in. Or, as
Speaker 3: Julia Roberts famously said in some movie and on which one,
Speaker 3: how old do you want me to be? That's one
Speaker 3: of my favorite lines, How old would you like me
Speaker 3: to be? Really, it's none of your business. And again,
Speaker 3: are you sick? Well, you know, are you sick? No?
Speaker 3: I feel perfectly fine. Why do you think I look
Speaker 3: sick or feel sick. Somebody's coughing, don't assume they're sick.
Speaker 3: Maybe they have an allergy, Maybe they have a tickle
Speaker 3: in your throat like I'm about to have. It's the
Speaker 3: same with the bump in the stomach or the lump
Speaker 3: somewhere unless you really notice that this could be something
Speaker 3: really serious and say, you know, I notice you have
Speaker 3: a lump in the middle of your throat. Have you
Speaker 3: had that check? That could be a good thing, because
Speaker 3: it could be thyroid cancer. Just you know a lot
Speaker 3: of people say they're asked that question all the time,
Speaker 3: even when they're perfectly healthy, but usually when they're not
Speaker 3: wearing makeup. I remember people would always ask me why
Speaker 3: you look so tired? Are you okay? Are you feeling it?
Speaker 3: Why are you so sad? And it used to drop
Speaker 3: me nuts. I was perfectly happy, but just because I
Speaker 3: didn't have a shit any grin on my face all
Speaker 3: the time, and maybe I've had my resting bitch face.
Speaker 3: Does it mean when I was angry or sad or
Speaker 3: feeling bad, I just wasn't like thinking about smiling at
Speaker 3: that moment. But people asked that, used to ask that,
Speaker 3: to the point so many times I actually ended up
Speaker 3: getting cosmetic surgery to lift my face up. I didn't
Speaker 3: do a facelift, but an eyelift because everybody told me
Speaker 3: my eyes looked tired all the time. It made me
Speaker 3: feel so insecure I decided to do something about it.
Speaker 3: I shouldn't have had to do that. Another one, do
Speaker 3: you want to drink? What would you like to drink?
Speaker 3: Is a better question than do you want a drink?
Speaker 3: Because do you don't a drink implies you want to
Speaker 3: alcohol beverage. What would be what would be your beverage
Speaker 3: of choice? Oh? What can I bring you to drink? Drink?
Speaker 3: This would be your drinking. Alcohol just means beverage, but
Speaker 3: many people interpret as that. So I don't think that's
Speaker 3: an offensive question. It just could be asked better, what
Speaker 3: would you like to drink? So those are her offensive
Speaker 3: eight polite questions that can come off wrong. But this
Speaker 3: is a good one. This is a good one. And
Speaker 3: I want to address this because I don't know about you,
Speaker 3: but I travel a lot. And here's where gets tricky,
Speaker 3: WICKI is when you are overseas. And then we'll get
Speaker 3: into the elephant room, which is politics. And we won't
Speaker 3: talk politics, but how to navigate awkward conversations. This's from
Speaker 3: mentalflaws dot com. I love mental flaws. Okay, this is
Speaker 3: a little earlier Adam d'Arpino and Erica Wolfe twenty twenty one,
Speaker 3: but let me tell you it's the same then as
Speaker 3: it is now. Twenty Common America. Behaviors that are considered
Speaker 3: rude elsewhere around the world. I'll just cherry pick these
Speaker 3: referring to the United States as America. Well, I get
Speaker 3: that because there's a lot of Americas there in North America,
Speaker 3: South America, Central America. So instead say we're all Americans,
Speaker 3: unless you really mean it and you're including all the
Speaker 3: Americas your United States of America. To be very careful
Speaker 3: about that. Apparently, putting your hands in your pocket when
Speaker 3: you're talking and asking questions is rude in certain countries,
Speaker 3: so keep your hands out because it may mean you're
Speaker 3: hiding something. So just you know, don't wave your hands around.
Speaker 3: If you're uncomfortable with your hands, just hold them in
Speaker 3: a clasp that you're saying grace. It's always a safe
Speaker 3: way to do it. Apparently, casually asking how are you
Speaker 3: as a loaded question in Italy because you'll get a
Speaker 3: detailed answer, not fine. How are you is a loaded question?
Speaker 3: How are you doing? How have things been in your life?
Speaker 3: Is everything okay? How are things going? Is fine? How
Speaker 3: are you? Can be loaded? Accepting a compliment, well, apparently
Speaker 3: in certain countries in Asia, they're going to deny the
Speaker 3: compliment all the time, So maybe be very careful about that.
Speaker 3: That's really in the question section of life. There's a
Speaker 3: lot of other things that are rude to do, but
Speaker 3: here's an important one. When you do go to certain countries,
Speaker 3: be aware that it's okay to leave some food on
Speaker 3: your plate. It is okay to complement the shif, but
Speaker 3: not be overly effusive. When you're dining, say would you
Speaker 3: like some addition? Would you like another serving? Don't assume
Speaker 3: they do. There's that call. It's it's important to say,
Speaker 3: how would you like your salad dressed or not? How
Speaker 3: would you like your meat? Ask people don't assume they
Speaker 3: want their food hard cooked, rare or whatever. Ask ask
Speaker 3: people have. I'm a believer when you go out, don't
Speaker 3: ask if people have food allergies, Just say do you
Speaker 3: have dietary restrictions that I should be aware of? A
Speaker 3: dietary restriction is a little less pointed. You know that
Speaker 3: people don't have to launch into their food allergies, which
Speaker 3: maybe they don't want to share, or maybe they don't
Speaker 3: want to talk about their preferences. So do you have
Speaker 3: any food restrictions that we should be aware of? I
Speaker 3: always appreciate that when people ask me that I really do,
Speaker 3: and most restaurants are doing that because they don't want
Speaker 3: to get into legal bruhaha. They serve someone something with
Speaker 3: peanuts and people then have an anaphylactic reaction. Asking about
Speaker 3: food alergies actually is okay when you're at a restaurant,
Speaker 3: any dietary restrictions or food allergies is a safe bet.
Speaker 3: Just keep it simple like that. Okay. Politics is a
Speaker 3: loaded question right now. Everybody has an opinion. Everyone's asked
Speaker 3: who you voting for. I don't really want to talk
Speaker 3: about it. I don't even want to talk about it
Speaker 3: with anybody other than friends. For the record, I'm voting
Speaker 3: for Team Harris Waltz. That's all I say. But I
Speaker 3: understand that everybody has opinions and who they want to
Speaker 3: vote for and what they stand for. And I watched
Speaker 3: my husband get into a heated discussion with our friend
Speaker 3: about pro choice or in Herbert's pro life. In the
Speaker 3: debate last night, somebody said pro abortion, boy, those words
Speaker 3: could be. You got to choose your words carefully. Right now,
Speaker 3: pro women, pro choice, pro life, probution. Everybody has an opinion.
Speaker 3: It is safer right now unless you want to get
Speaker 3: into a hot debate in your own home over the
Speaker 3: dinner table, just to keep politics off the table and
Speaker 3: out of the conversation right now. Unless you are with
Speaker 3: people and you're comfortable with it. It's just it's messy
Speaker 3: and things get interpreted, and you know, I've had I'm
Speaker 3: sure some of you have had your Facebook feeds hijacked.
Speaker 3: I had someone ask me the other day if I
Speaker 3: would repost an op edge she wrote about voting for
Speaker 3: Harris Walts on my feed, and I respectfully said, love
Speaker 3: that you have an opinion and you're taking time to
Speaker 3: share it. But I have a policy on my social
Speaker 3: media feeds of only sharing what I write and my thoughts.
Speaker 3: I hope you understand. It's interesting. Question came up in
Speaker 3: a public relations group I'm with and somebody asked the
Speaker 3: public relations consultant if her client would like to speak
Speaker 3: out on a specific political topic, and she said, how
Speaker 3: do I handle that? And I said, if somebody asked
Speaker 3: you to share your opinion about a specific political topic
Speaker 3: or anything that you really don't want to get into financial, political, health,
Speaker 3: lifestyle choices, you name it, just simply say I appreciate
Speaker 3: your interests and flooded you would like my opinion at all. However,
Speaker 3: my client's opinion on However, we prefer to keep on
Speaker 3: our own message and talk about what we're here to
Speaker 3: discuss and not venture into anything else. Actually, you could
Speaker 3: say that very easily, say I prefer not to discuss
Speaker 3: it at all, if you don't mind to appreciate that,
Speaker 3: I just prefer to keep my opinions to myself bingo.
Speaker 3: And truthfully, unless someone asks your opinion, they probably don't
Speaker 3: want to hear it in the first place. I hate
Speaker 3: to say that, but nobody really likes to be with
Speaker 3: overly opinionated, judgmental people. They're not really much fun. They
Speaker 3: can create very awkward conversations and situations for people. We
Speaker 3: all have friends who do that. They venture your opinions
Speaker 3: and talk about people without you asking, and you sit
Speaker 3: there on your hands and go, how do I want
Speaker 3: to respond to that? That's happened to me a few
Speaker 3: times with friends, and I do have some friends, it's
Speaker 3: sadly don't share the same opinions liberal opinions that I
Speaker 3: do about people and things, and I just have to
Speaker 3: grind my teeth and shut my mouth rather than get
Speaker 3: into a pissing match of words. Nobody wants to get
Speaker 3: into a pissing match much less with words. Okay, So
Speaker 3: somebody once said, before you leave the house, look at
Speaker 3: what you're wearing and get rid of one thing. Maybe
Speaker 3: that's the way it is with conversation. Maybe we just
Speaker 3: need to say less, smile more, listen more, and be
Speaker 3: more thought and share our opinion and use our voices
Speaker 3: constructively to build people up, create and share ideas, make
Speaker 3: an impact, make good things happen. But as someone who
Speaker 3: is one of the great advice givers of all times,
Speaker 3: and whose advice I would always listen to, dear Abby
Speaker 3: once said in a wonderful wonderful not really a poem,
Speaker 3: but a statement called what is class? She says, class
Speaker 3: never builds itself up by tearing others down. Class does
Speaker 3: not need to look better by making others look worse. Okay,
Speaker 3: So you don't need to tear other people down or
Speaker 3: make them feel uncomfortable, or put people on edge to
Speaker 3: elevate your own position, because frankly, people will not have
Speaker 3: a good opinion of you if you do that. It's
Speaker 3: better to As another great orator of Michelle Obama says,
Speaker 3: when they go low, we aim high. So keep your
Speaker 3: conversation on the up level, not the down level. Don't
Speaker 3: ask probing questions that make people feel uncomfortable. Ask questions
Speaker 3: because people do like to know you're genuinely interested in
Speaker 3: your life. Tell me about yourself. Where did you grow up?
Speaker 3: How did you end up at this event? Like recently,
Speaker 3: I was at an event where nobody knew who the
Speaker 3: hell I was, and that's when I practiced Melanie's favorite
Speaker 3: conversation icebreakers, which are this what brings you to this event?
Speaker 3: How did you get connected to in this case, the
Speaker 3: Shia Burnett Foundation. That's a great conversation opener. Have you
Speaker 3: been to this restaurant before? What do you like about it?
Speaker 3: What can you tell me about it? If you have
Speaker 3: great conversation opener. Have you always lived in New Orleans
Speaker 3: or are you? And if so, I'd love to hear
Speaker 3: what you loved about living here. Great conversation opener. If
Speaker 3: someone's new to a city, I overheard you're new to
Speaker 3: the city. What brings you here? How are you enjoying it?
Speaker 3: Great conversation opener. Keep it open and friendly, not keep
Speaker 3: it inquisitive, but not an inquisition. Got that be inquisitive,
Speaker 3: but don't make a conversation an inquisition. I find those
Speaker 3: you know, I find have a list of conversation openers
Speaker 3: ready at all times. Unfortunately, I have a show's where
Speaker 3: I interview people, so I get to interview people all
Speaker 3: the time and ask these questions. Often I send them
Speaker 3: in advance, and I was actually told recently that one
Speaker 3: of the questions that I had down the person was
Speaker 3: not comfortable answering, and respectfully I change it because I'm
Speaker 3: not here to be have an inquisition. I'm here just
Speaker 3: to be inquisitive and share stories. So I hope this
Speaker 3: show makes you think about how you choose your words,
Speaker 3: how to be a mester at the art of conversation,
Speaker 3: to make people feel comfortable and connected, because that's really
Speaker 3: what it's all about. We all want to be more
Speaker 3: socially connected through conversation. I know, I do. You know.
Speaker 3: Technology has been awesome, but I still don't want the
Speaker 3: rest of my life to be memis or whatever they're called,
Speaker 3: Mimi's memmies. I don't know what they are, or text
Speaker 3: or eods, fyis aoks. I want to see words. I
Speaker 3: want to embrace words. I want to embrace body language.
Speaker 3: I want to feel the hug. I want to say
Speaker 3: I'm thinking about you more than just a text. I
Speaker 3: like to still pick up a phone, not many people do.
Speaker 3: And I love to have dinner over great wine and
Speaker 3: food over a table and be very connected. And with that,
Speaker 3: I'm going to say, I hope you feel more connected
Speaker 3: to feeling good about talking to people. And if you
Speaker 3: want to hear my connections with how we connect on
Speaker 3: The Connected Table Live, my other show, which is Deep
Speaker 3: Conversations with People and wine, food, beverage and Hospitality, you'll
Speaker 3: see how I skillfully navigate conversations with people that I
Speaker 3: barely know to make them feel comfortable. So give it
Speaker 3: a shot. The Connected Table Live on deb before Cy
Speaker 3: Radio or your favorite podcast channel. In the meantime, I'm
Speaker 3: going to close this with a message to everybody out there,
Speaker 3: no matter what you're celebrating this month, so briety, eating
Speaker 3: and drinking, breast cancer awareness, Hispanic Heritage Month, the high
Speaker 3: Holy Holidays, the beauty of fall, surviving whatever is coming
Speaker 3: your way. I hope you embrace and enjoy the season
Speaker 3: and count your blessings. Because if you're listening to the
Speaker 3: show and you have a roof over your head and
Speaker 3: the sun is shining and you're in good health, and
Speaker 3: you have people that love you and care for you.
Speaker 3: You are truly blessed, and you don't really need much else. Or,
Speaker 3: as my favorite order said, if you have class, you
Speaker 3: don't need much else, and no matter what else you have,
Speaker 3: it doesn't make the difference. I'm Melanie Young. This is fearless,
Speaker 3: fabulous you. As always, my message is you have the
Speaker 3: choice to live life on your terms, your way. Make
Speaker 3: it fabulous, be fearless, make people feel great about themselves.
Speaker 3: It will make you feel better about yourself and the world.
Speaker 3: Choose fabulous. Thank you. The game had respec