WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.040 --> 00:00:05.599 It's nice side with Dan Ray. I'm tell you Boston. 2 00:00:05.719 --> 00:00:09.919 Radio, tough night, tough night for the Red Sox. Dan 3 00:00:10.080 --> 00:00:14.880 out in Milwaukee. They led that game, won nothing for 4 00:00:14.919 --> 00:00:19.839 several innings, and then it all went south. Tough. It's 5 00:00:19.879 --> 00:00:22.760 a sort of symbolic of the season so far. But 6 00:00:23.160 --> 00:00:26.760 it's still early, still early, there's still hope. It's not 7 00:00:27.039 --> 00:00:35.119 even yet June. Now, after having two really interesting and 8 00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:42.399 kind of wild hours on politics and on Donald Trump's 9 00:00:43.000 --> 00:00:47.719 crusade against Harvard University, we all should take a deep breath. 10 00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:53.039 And as I said to my friend Theodore in Baltimore, 11 00:00:54.200 --> 00:00:59.960 there are several post two thousand and twenty twenty five 12 00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:06.760 or analytics done of voters by age, by racial background, 13 00:01:06.879 --> 00:01:10.400 et cetera. And Theodore, when you were telling me that 14 00:01:12.239 --> 00:01:14.719 Harris won ninety five percent of the black vote, that's 15 00:01:14.799 --> 00:01:19.640 just not so. She got eighty one percent of the 16 00:01:19.640 --> 00:01:25.879 black vote. And that's again, if she got ninety five percent, 17 00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:30.319 should be mad in president. So I just couldn't let 18 00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:34.200 that one go again. Your opinions and your thoughts are 19 00:01:34.239 --> 00:01:37.200 always welcome here. I hope you know that whether we 20 00:01:37.280 --> 00:01:41.239 agree or disagree, but on factual issues, I try to 21 00:01:41.519 --> 00:01:47.480 pull everybody along when I just think, you know, if 22 00:01:47.480 --> 00:01:49.719 you had said she won eighty five percent of the vote, 23 00:01:49.760 --> 00:01:53.799 I would have let that go because she got eighty 24 00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:56.640 four percent. But to bump it up to ninety five percent, no, 25 00:01:57.079 --> 00:02:00.319 that she would have been mad, as I say, Matt 26 00:02:00.359 --> 00:02:04.120 in president. Anyway, Anyway, she won eighty one percent of 27 00:02:04.120 --> 00:02:06.799 the vote. Excuse me, not eighty eighty five percent. Eighty 28 00:02:06.840 --> 00:02:12.759 one percent of the vote. And in twenty twenty four, 29 00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:15.280 check it out. Check it out theato next time you call, 30 00:02:15.319 --> 00:02:17.599 I hope you will have checked it out and refreshed 31 00:02:17.599 --> 00:02:21.840 your recollection on that. Now, I'd like to introduce a 32 00:02:21.919 --> 00:02:25.960 guest who I interviewed. Uh, and we can kind of 33 00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:28.919 relax everybody, Okay, that we can take we can take 34 00:02:28.960 --> 00:02:30.840 the temperature down a little bit. 35 00:02:31.639 --> 00:02:32.120 Uh. 36 00:02:32.439 --> 00:02:38.120 And I had a very interesting guest. Her name is 37 00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:44.800 Jill Robin Payne. She's a licensed psychotherapist and communication coach. 38 00:02:45.680 --> 00:02:49.759 And we're in the communication business. We all are. We 39 00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:52.800 all are, whether or not you're a talk show host 40 00:02:52.919 --> 00:02:55.800 or you're a caller to a talk show, or whatever 41 00:02:55.879 --> 00:02:59.639 sort of work you do, we're all in the communication business. 42 00:02:59.639 --> 00:03:04.080 If we're bus drivers, if we're steel workers, we're baseball players, 43 00:03:04.120 --> 00:03:08.479 if we're lawyers, doctors, whatever, communication is part of it. 44 00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:12.919 And my guest, Jill Robin Pain, has come up with 45 00:03:12.960 --> 00:03:17.680 the concept of empathy, empathy with a be in front 46 00:03:17.719 --> 00:03:21.840 of it. Everybody knows what empathy means. You feel a 47 00:03:21.879 --> 00:03:25.000 connection with other people, and you put a be in 48 00:03:25.039 --> 00:03:28.080 front of it and it becomes as opposed to empathy, 49 00:03:28.280 --> 00:03:33.479 it's empathy. Jill Robin Pain, welcome back to Night's Side. 50 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:35.879 And we talked in February. It's been too long. How 51 00:03:35.879 --> 00:03:36.159 are you. 52 00:03:37.240 --> 00:03:38.960 I'm good, Dan, How are you doing. 53 00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:42.879 I just went through two sort of tong war hours. 54 00:03:43.039 --> 00:03:47.639 We were talking about President Trump's war on Harvard and 55 00:03:47.680 --> 00:03:50.000 whether or not that is the smartest thing for him 56 00:03:50.039 --> 00:03:52.800 to be doing politically in the context of what else 57 00:03:52.879 --> 00:03:56.159 is going on. And we had some strong opinions on 58 00:03:56.240 --> 00:03:59.680 both sides of that issue. And we've put that issue 59 00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:03.199 behind us because what we want to do is figure 60 00:04:03.240 --> 00:04:09.000 out empathy. This is a concept that you've developed. I 61 00:04:09.000 --> 00:04:11.479 can't say you've invented it, but you've developed it. 62 00:04:11.479 --> 00:04:14.039 Correct, right, I developed it right? 63 00:04:16.279 --> 00:04:19.120 Yeah, I want to use the right word. I don't 64 00:04:19.160 --> 00:04:22.319 want to overstate it. I don't want to understate it tell. 65 00:04:22.199 --> 00:04:24.759 Us what oh heck, yeah. 66 00:04:24.360 --> 00:04:26.199 No, no, no, no, no, no. Look, I just was 67 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:29.639 criticizing a caller who was citing ninety five percent versus 68 00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:34.360 eighty one percent. That's a big difference. So the question 69 00:04:34.519 --> 00:04:39.199 I have is explain to us how you came to 70 00:04:39.240 --> 00:04:43.040 this concept. And I'm hoping that folks are going to 71 00:04:43.120 --> 00:04:48.399 participate in this conversation and either agree or disagree with 72 00:04:48.399 --> 00:04:51.279 with the value of the concept. So talk to us 73 00:04:52.720 --> 00:04:55.000 how did this this concept come to be? 74 00:04:56.399 --> 00:05:00.079 Well, one, just by what you were talking about, how 75 00:05:00.120 --> 00:05:05.240 people put emotion with their words and their conversation, and 76 00:05:05.360 --> 00:05:09.040 so they get very passionate over things, and so that 77 00:05:09.279 --> 00:05:12.879 was one of the reasons I did come up with this. Also, 78 00:05:12.920 --> 00:05:17.680 we're overloaded with that digital noise. It's fast talk, quick reactions, 79 00:05:18.120 --> 00:05:22.639 and we're losing that genuine connection that we used to 80 00:05:22.720 --> 00:05:24.759 have when we did a lot of face to face. 81 00:05:25.399 --> 00:05:28.600 Even you know, right before COVID, we were still starting 82 00:05:28.600 --> 00:05:30.720 to lose it because a lot of people were doing 83 00:05:30.759 --> 00:05:34.399 more digital and less face to face. So I came 84 00:05:34.519 --> 00:05:38.360 up with this. And empathy is a simple, powerful blend 85 00:05:38.399 --> 00:05:41.839 of empathy and life harded banter, just like you said, 86 00:05:42.240 --> 00:05:45.240 And what the banter does Dan is it breaks the 87 00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:50.639 ice and it builds comfort and empathy grounds the conversation 88 00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:56.000 and compassion and true connection. And when people start getting heated, 89 00:05:56.759 --> 00:05:59.639 you know, in empathy there I have something called TP 90 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:04.720 and it's not toilet paper. It's timing and position. And 91 00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:08.399 they've done studies DAN when people start getting upset and 92 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:11.360 they talk about things that they're angry about, they get 93 00:06:11.399 --> 00:06:15.600 angrier and angry or angrier. So sometimes it's really good, 94 00:06:16.279 --> 00:06:20.279 right when they're starting to get angry at a certain level, 95 00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:24.079 that we stop it and redirect it some way if 96 00:06:24.079 --> 00:06:27.879 you can, because when it gets where they're infuriated, it's 97 00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:31.480 really too late to even do empathy. So you know, 98 00:06:31.560 --> 00:06:33.959 I mean that's just how it is. So it's basically 99 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:37.360 being aware of things and it's talk less, connect more. 100 00:06:37.720 --> 00:06:42.040 That's empathy, and it's a communication shortcut works with everybody. 101 00:06:42.399 --> 00:06:44.839 And of course there's going to be exceptions to the rule, 102 00:06:45.199 --> 00:06:47.680 and you have a win win mindset. So the way 103 00:06:47.720 --> 00:06:49.639 you do empathy is are you ready? 104 00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:51.040 Yes? Start? 105 00:06:51.199 --> 00:06:54.199 Yeah, you start with empathy, So you don't start with 106 00:06:54.279 --> 00:06:57.319 the banner. You start with empathy, and then you respond 107 00:06:57.399 --> 00:06:59.879 with banter, and then you focus on a win, win. 108 00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:03.720 So you want the person to have a win, win, 109 00:07:03.959 --> 00:07:07.000 and the otherwards just to feel that they are winning. 110 00:07:07.240 --> 00:07:10.319 They don't, they don't need to win. It's their perception. 111 00:07:10.519 --> 00:07:13.279 Okay, So I've got a couple of questions. I got 112 00:07:13.319 --> 00:07:15.759 a couple of questions here. Okay, when I think of 113 00:07:15.800 --> 00:07:18.879 the word you said, we start with empathy. When I 114 00:07:18.920 --> 00:07:25.279 think of empathy, I think of and I know what 115 00:07:25.319 --> 00:07:29.759 the definition is, but I feel that it's it's it's 116 00:07:29.800 --> 00:07:32.399 a two, it's a combination of two things. It's feel 117 00:07:32.519 --> 00:07:38.120 it's be able to feel sorry for a situation that 118 00:07:38.240 --> 00:07:42.360 someone is in or circumstance that they find themselves dealing with. 119 00:07:43.199 --> 00:07:47.399 But but it is also done in a way in 120 00:07:47.439 --> 00:07:51.079 which you maintain the dignity of that other person. I mean, 121 00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:54.920 let me use an example. If I see someone walking 122 00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:59.600 down the street who's on a couple of crutches, uh, 123 00:07:59.639 --> 00:08:03.319 and that they have they had knee surgery or they 124 00:08:03.360 --> 00:08:07.399 had ankle surgery, Well, I think to myself, you know, gee, 125 00:08:07.480 --> 00:08:10.000 that's a tough, tough situation. I don't know how they 126 00:08:10.040 --> 00:08:13.839 hurt themselves. But you have to feel sorry as a 127 00:08:13.920 --> 00:08:17.240 human being. And obviously, if you see someone you realize 128 00:08:17.279 --> 00:08:20.279 that's a temporary circumstance, and that six months from now 129 00:08:20.319 --> 00:08:22.079 they'll be out of the cast and they won't be 130 00:08:22.160 --> 00:08:24.600 using the crutches, and they'll find there are other people 131 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:29.040 who you see who have even greater physical limitations. And 132 00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:35.600 you you want to know you you want to feel empathy. Okay, 133 00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:40.519 So I understand the concept of empathy. But when when 134 00:08:40.519 --> 00:08:45.120 we're having a conversation with someone and you talk about bantering, 135 00:08:46.039 --> 00:08:49.960 bantering is like, to me, very light hearted, light hearted, 136 00:08:50.759 --> 00:08:55.440 light hearted conversation. So we're talking about the weather, We're 137 00:08:55.519 --> 00:08:58.639 talking about the fact that what we hope to do 138 00:08:58.759 --> 00:09:01.559 this weekend. I'm going to go play golf. You're going 139 00:09:01.639 --> 00:09:03.480 to go to the beach. Oh, that's going to be wonderful. 140 00:09:03.559 --> 00:09:07.759 Hope the weather is good for both of us. So hot. 141 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:12.919 So give me some circumstances where when we come back here, 142 00:09:12.919 --> 00:09:14.240 I got to take a quick break for a couple 143 00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:17.080 of commercials, But I want to hear a couple of 144 00:09:17.159 --> 00:09:23.320 circumstances where maybe empathy is used to either diffuse a situation. 145 00:09:23.879 --> 00:09:27.000 I mean, I have hot conversations here with people during 146 00:09:27.039 --> 00:09:32.320 the night where we're arguing politics or arguing some issue, 147 00:09:32.559 --> 00:09:35.679 or when a red Sox fans argue with a Yankee fans. 148 00:09:35.679 --> 00:09:38.919 So I want to know what, how how my listeners 149 00:09:39.399 --> 00:09:44.720 can improve their relationships with others through this concept that 150 00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:47.440 you have developed called bempathy. Fair question. 151 00:09:47.559 --> 00:09:50.879 I can't wait good enough after the break. 152 00:09:51.200 --> 00:09:56.279 After the break, we'll be back. My guest a licensed psychotherapist, 153 00:09:56.519 --> 00:10:00.679 Jill Robin Paine, talking about empathy. And by the way, 154 00:10:02.120 --> 00:10:05.519 this is not intended to be hot conversation. This is 155 00:10:05.559 --> 00:10:09.120 an opportunity for you to ask a question, make a comment. 156 00:10:09.360 --> 00:10:11.360 Tell me if you buy into the concept. If you 157 00:10:11.399 --> 00:10:14.399 don't buy into the concept, tell me why. That's what 158 00:10:14.440 --> 00:10:17.679 this is about. This is just kind of a little 159 00:10:17.720 --> 00:10:20.879 slow down for us. Every once in a while we 160 00:10:21.039 --> 00:10:23.720 have to sort of expand our horizons here, folks, so 161 00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:26.600 stick with us. We'll be back on night Side. My 162 00:10:26.679 --> 00:10:31.480 guest Jill Robin Pain. After this on nightside, you're on 163 00:10:31.679 --> 00:10:36.080 night Side with Dan Ray on WBZ, Boston's news radio. 164 00:10:37.679 --> 00:10:42.559 All right, my guest is Jill Robin Pain. My phone 165 00:10:42.600 --> 00:10:47.000 lines are wide open six four ten thirty six one 166 00:10:47.120 --> 00:10:52.159 seven nine ten thirty. Jill. The challenge, as I expressed 167 00:10:52.200 --> 00:10:56.360 it before the break, give us an example of empathy 168 00:10:56.879 --> 00:11:01.120 which can be utilized uh in day to day living, 169 00:11:01.240 --> 00:11:03.799 or however you give us a good example. 170 00:11:03.360 --> 00:11:08.440 Of Okay, I'm going to this just happened to me. 171 00:11:08.559 --> 00:11:10.759 I'm glad you brought it up. It happened about three 172 00:11:10.919 --> 00:11:15.240 or four days ago, and I had a difficult situation. 173 00:11:15.480 --> 00:11:18.080 I was doing a good deed. A business friend of 174 00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:22.480 mine called me up and I won't mention names, and said, 175 00:11:22.519 --> 00:11:24.799 you know, hey, listen, I have a friend, a mutual 176 00:11:24.840 --> 00:11:28.799 friend of ours, business friend, and she's having problems with 177 00:11:29.320 --> 00:11:32.399 relationships and I'd really appreciate it if you could spend 178 00:11:32.440 --> 00:11:35.360 the time with her and talk to her. And they 179 00:11:35.399 --> 00:11:37.519 wanted me to be the therapist, so listen, I can't 180 00:11:37.519 --> 00:11:41.159 be a therapist. I had them get my book meeting people. 181 00:11:41.159 --> 00:11:43.440 It's not a game. I said, get my book, have 182 00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:46.320 her listen to it, and then we'll go over that. 183 00:11:46.960 --> 00:11:50.639 So they got the book. They didn't really do anything 184 00:11:50.679 --> 00:11:52.799 with it. They hadn't read it yet. Anyway, So I 185 00:11:52.879 --> 00:11:57.200 get there, it's a dinner and we're sitting down right away, 186 00:11:57.559 --> 00:12:02.080 I'm going to just call her Alice. Okay, so Alice 187 00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:05.080 was the one with the issue, and then uh, Joan, 188 00:12:05.159 --> 00:12:07.559 I'm going to write it to own storey, I remember anyway, 189 00:12:07.759 --> 00:12:11.639 and Joan was my my friend, business friend that called 190 00:12:11.679 --> 00:12:15.720 me to have help Alice. So Alice is talking and 191 00:12:16.039 --> 00:12:19.840 she's talking, Dan, I am telling you, she is just 192 00:12:19.919 --> 00:12:24.120 getting angrier and angrier about how this person was treating 193 00:12:24.159 --> 00:12:27.240 her and how it's you know, all all the people 194 00:12:27.240 --> 00:12:30.679 from the opposite sex are just awful blah blah blah. 195 00:12:30.720 --> 00:12:34.080 So I went and uh, I said, you know, gave 196 00:12:34.120 --> 00:12:38.039 her some feedback. And when I was giving her feedback 197 00:12:38.120 --> 00:12:40.440 that Dan, you could just look at her eyes. They 198 00:12:40.440 --> 00:12:43.440 were giving me daggers if there were daggers coming out 199 00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:47.200 of her eyes, and there to help her, and I'm 200 00:12:47.240 --> 00:12:50.720 there to help her, So I did. I did my empathy, 201 00:12:50.879 --> 00:12:54.240 and empathy is to feel with someone, not for someone, 202 00:12:54.639 --> 00:12:56.919 like I'm not gonna feel for you, I'm gonna feel 203 00:12:56.960 --> 00:13:01.120 with you. And so as she's gone rocketing, I put 204 00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:05.879 my hand out and I literally said whoa. And I 205 00:13:06.039 --> 00:13:11.559 smiled and shook my head. Because you want to feel 206 00:13:11.600 --> 00:13:14.960 warm and appear warm and open. So your body movements 207 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:17.639 are really important. And if you're even on the phone, 208 00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:21.480 people can honestly tell if you're smiling. And so I said, 209 00:13:21.600 --> 00:13:25.200 I said, whoa. I said I'm here for you, Alice. 210 00:13:25.600 --> 00:13:29.240 I've made time. I cleared out my schedule just so 211 00:13:29.320 --> 00:13:32.000 I could be with you and empathize with you. I 212 00:13:32.120 --> 00:13:35.360 use the word and empathize with you and help you out. 213 00:13:35.919 --> 00:13:38.639 And she toned down a little bit, got a little 214 00:13:38.679 --> 00:13:43.519 bit better, then went on talking again and started skyrocketing 215 00:13:43.759 --> 00:13:47.000 where she was getting angry because they've already done studies 216 00:13:47.080 --> 00:13:50.519 dan people that are angry about something. When you start 217 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:53.679 talking about anger or issues that get you angry, you 218 00:13:53.759 --> 00:13:56.759 get angrier. So the best thing to do if the 219 00:13:56.799 --> 00:14:00.519 best thing to do is either redirect or or start 220 00:14:00.559 --> 00:14:03.519 talking about what you want, find a compromise. And that's 221 00:14:03.559 --> 00:14:07.000 also in empathy. I have, you know, my three characters, 222 00:14:07.080 --> 00:14:09.679 A leader, a follower, and a compromiser beacon bright and both. 223 00:14:10.240 --> 00:14:13.879 So I was all of those people. And so then 224 00:14:14.120 --> 00:14:17.159 I had her, Uh what else did I do? I 225 00:14:17.240 --> 00:14:21.639 had her refocus? Now I always come with a I'm 226 00:14:21.639 --> 00:14:24.799 a psychotherapist. I always come with a notebook. And I 227 00:14:24.919 --> 00:14:28.799 believe that people, when you get them refocused, it doesn't 228 00:14:28.840 --> 00:14:32.080 matter what age, especially young kids, if you give them 229 00:14:32.120 --> 00:14:34.840 a pen and a paper or tell them even if 230 00:14:34.879 --> 00:14:37.600 they're on the other end of the phone, grab a 231 00:14:37.799 --> 00:14:41.080 because I do virtual grab a pen, have a paper, 232 00:14:41.759 --> 00:14:44.799 do it into your phone. But have them focus on 233 00:14:44.919 --> 00:14:48.759 something that they have control over, because when people get upset, 234 00:14:49.120 --> 00:14:51.919 a lot of times they're out of control. So I 235 00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:55.200 did that, she did the paper. It also gets them 236 00:14:55.240 --> 00:14:58.000 to do something about empathy, which one of the big 237 00:14:58.039 --> 00:15:01.080 things is empathy is a mind that you need to 238 00:15:01.080 --> 00:15:03.519 step back so you can see the big picture. She 239 00:15:03.559 --> 00:15:06.080 could look at what I had her do, which was 240 00:15:06.159 --> 00:15:10.480 right down the characteristics of the person she's looking for, and. 241 00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:13.759 Right away set the scene here a little bit for me. 242 00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:16.879 You're at this okay, this is a dinner party, and 243 00:15:16.919 --> 00:15:19.600 how many people other people are at the table. 244 00:15:20.080 --> 00:15:24.200 Right, So the dynamics were my friend, I'm going to say, 245 00:15:24.320 --> 00:15:26.799 was Joan, and then Alice and then me. So there 246 00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:28.919 were three people. Okay, so we're sitting down. 247 00:15:29.039 --> 00:15:33.879 Okay, so this is almost a counseling session with a 248 00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:36.519 third person there. But the third person is the person 249 00:15:36.559 --> 00:15:39.320 who brought the two of you together. So okay, this 250 00:15:39.480 --> 00:15:42.320 is not a dinner table with twelve people sitting at 251 00:15:42.360 --> 00:15:42.879 a dining room. 252 00:15:42.919 --> 00:15:46.360 No no, no, no, no no no, I wouldn't do that. 253 00:15:46.600 --> 00:15:49.720 It is a conversation and I just went there to 254 00:15:49.960 --> 00:15:53.759 talk to Banter with empathy. That was it, not do 255 00:15:53.879 --> 00:15:56.720 any therapy. Okay, So then what we did was in 256 00:15:56.759 --> 00:16:01.159 between all this we had fun change the subject. We 257 00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:05.360 bantered on that, we kidded about stuff. I had a 258 00:16:05.480 --> 00:16:08.120 three way. So when you have somebody else, and that 259 00:16:08.240 --> 00:16:11.399 is also in empathy, when you have what I call 260 00:16:11.480 --> 00:16:15.080 an accomplice, that's a third person that helps people see 261 00:16:15.120 --> 00:16:18.159 another side of the coin. I had that person there, 262 00:16:18.200 --> 00:16:21.399 so that also helped. And we bantered and talked a 263 00:16:21.399 --> 00:16:24.799 little bit about relationships blah blah blah. Anyway, so the 264 00:16:25.480 --> 00:16:29.720 whole time she's we're still focusing on that list and 265 00:16:29.799 --> 00:16:33.200 getting her to feel in control, focusing on something for 266 00:16:33.399 --> 00:16:37.600 her dan and it got her calm down and we 267 00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:40.360 were fine. I had no more daggers. That's what we did, 268 00:16:40.480 --> 00:16:44.360 so we did Banter. Empathy is a big part. That's 269 00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:47.720 why I tell people please start with empathy. Empathy is 270 00:16:47.759 --> 00:16:51.759 not about us, It's about the whole dynamics. Empathize with 271 00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:56.039 even your environment. Like I was just talking to your 272 00:16:56.159 --> 00:16:59.480 engineer and he was saying, it's raining there. Well, that's 273 00:16:59.559 --> 00:17:02.600 going to also affects how people are. So you need 274 00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:05.440 to look at the big picture and even see if 275 00:17:05.519 --> 00:17:09.480 that person in a good mood, listen to the how did. 276 00:17:09.359 --> 00:17:13.359 This work out with this? So this woman is looking 277 00:17:14.000 --> 00:17:19.400 to have a relationship with a man and it. 278 00:17:19.160 --> 00:17:22.319 Hasn't Yeah, you got it right, it hasn't worked out. 279 00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:26.799 And it would seem to me that if she's had 280 00:17:28.160 --> 00:17:34.160 either either the entire male population is out of sink 281 00:17:34.799 --> 00:17:38.119 or maybe the issue is more with her if I'm 282 00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:40.640 not trying to be judgmental, but but it seems to 283 00:17:40.680 --> 00:17:44.480 me that this was a tough situation to find yourself 284 00:17:44.559 --> 00:17:48.720 in because it sounds to me like whatever options you're 285 00:17:48.759 --> 00:17:52.920 giving her, she's just getting angry and rejecting those options 286 00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:53.880 and being frustrated. 287 00:17:54.960 --> 00:17:59.119 So she was until I did what I did so so. 288 00:17:59.559 --> 00:18:02.720 Bad, did what you did? And she starts to write 289 00:18:02.720 --> 00:18:03.319 down a list. 290 00:18:03.480 --> 00:18:06.839 I think she thanked me. She thanked me, right, But I. 291 00:18:06.799 --> 00:18:12.200 Want to get to an intellelacatory point that you asked 292 00:18:12.200 --> 00:18:15.400 her to write down a list of what the quality 293 00:18:15.559 --> 00:18:17.759 she was looking in a potential partner was. 294 00:18:17.720 --> 00:18:19.599 That, yes, exactly? 295 00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:23.640 Okay, So she was able to pull herself off the 296 00:18:23.720 --> 00:18:29.880 ceiling because of you had this this empathy banter empathy 297 00:18:30.119 --> 00:18:33.839 conversation pulled herself off the ceiling, and she was able 298 00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:41.119 to focus and write down several characteristics of a partner 299 00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:43.240 that that she was looking for. 300 00:18:44.240 --> 00:18:48.599 Right, so I had I got her to have control. 301 00:18:49.240 --> 00:18:52.720 People start flying off the handle if they're not feeling heard, 302 00:18:53.240 --> 00:18:56.079 they don't feel accepted, or they're just out of control. 303 00:18:56.400 --> 00:18:59.720 They're losing control in the conversation, and so they get 304 00:18:59.759 --> 00:19:04.480 real emotional with whatever they're talking about. So if when 305 00:19:04.519 --> 00:19:07.519 that happens, if you can, it's sort of like baseball, 306 00:19:07.799 --> 00:19:10.480 you're just throwing the ball back in their court and 307 00:19:10.559 --> 00:19:13.319 giving them a little bit of control, and then you 308 00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:16.480 banter back and forth. Once you get things toned down 309 00:19:16.519 --> 00:19:19.319 a bit, then you can move forward and talk more. 310 00:19:19.559 --> 00:19:21.440 Okay, So now before I before I go to the 311 00:19:21.559 --> 00:19:23.880 before I go to the newscast to which I have to, 312 00:19:24.359 --> 00:19:28.799 I just want to put a ribbon on this example. Yeah, 313 00:19:28.799 --> 00:19:32.359 how long ago did you have this conversation with this 314 00:19:32.359 --> 00:19:33.079 this woman? 315 00:19:33.720 --> 00:19:35.160 Three or four days ago? 316 00:19:35.400 --> 00:19:39.640 Okay, so therefore you have no result, uh that that 317 00:19:39.720 --> 00:19:41.559 you have seen. It's not like she went out the 318 00:19:41.599 --> 00:19:43.519 next day and met mister right. 319 00:19:43.720 --> 00:19:46.279 That would be too quil Oh, that's that's not gonna 320 00:19:46.359 --> 00:19:48.559 that's not going to happen. No, it would, it would. 321 00:19:48.599 --> 00:19:49.720 It's going to be a process. 322 00:19:49.799 --> 00:19:57.400 Okay, So is is her situation uh solvable? Resolvable? Meaning 323 00:19:57.440 --> 00:20:01.400 do you think upon what you saw that sure she 324 00:20:01.519 --> 00:20:03.759 will be able to go out and find someone who 325 00:20:03.799 --> 00:20:08.000 she can be comfortable with and develop a relationship despite 326 00:20:08.039 --> 00:20:10.680 all of her current frustrations and failures. 327 00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:12.559 I think everyone can do that. 328 00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:17.319 Okay, great, Okay, yeah, you're going to I hope monitor 329 00:20:17.359 --> 00:20:20.519 her through your friend at least and and I and 330 00:20:20.599 --> 00:20:23.160 I hope you know. I mean, obviously you've invested time 331 00:20:23.960 --> 00:20:27.759 with her, and I'm sure it'll be very satisfact, very satisfying. 332 00:20:27.759 --> 00:20:30.160 If at some point three months or six months or 333 00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:33.000 a year from now, you get a call that that 334 00:20:33.000 --> 00:20:35.880 that she's met someone that she's really having a good 335 00:20:35.880 --> 00:20:38.039 time with, I guess would be uh would. 336 00:20:37.839 --> 00:20:40.720 Be the that's going to be up to her. A 337 00:20:40.720 --> 00:20:43.920 lot of times we think that we're putting out what 338 00:20:43.960 --> 00:20:47.000 we want, Dan, and we really need to look at 339 00:20:47.000 --> 00:20:50.640 our scenery and what is in our world. Because whatever's 340 00:20:50.680 --> 00:20:52.960 in our world, that's what we're putting out. So we 341 00:20:53.000 --> 00:20:56.480 need to start looking on ourselves. I can tell you, 342 00:20:56.039 --> 00:20:57.599 so go ahead. 343 00:20:57.400 --> 00:21:00.119 No, no, I understand what you're saying is again sometimes, 344 00:21:00.400 --> 00:21:03.839 particularly in this situation where she had been looking for 345 00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:09.359 someone for a long time, and obviously that's hast all 346 00:21:09.400 --> 00:21:11.839 of us, at some point in our lives find ourselves 347 00:21:11.920 --> 00:21:15.599 in that situation. Very few people that I know meet 348 00:21:15.640 --> 00:21:18.960 the love of their life when they're sophomores in high 349 00:21:18.960 --> 00:21:23.039 school and only date that person and then fall in 350 00:21:23.039 --> 00:21:25.640 love and get mad and live happily ever after. I mean, 351 00:21:25.640 --> 00:21:30.279 that's the fairy tale story that does happen. But it's 352 00:21:30.279 --> 00:21:34.319 the exception. It's the exception of the right. We'll take 353 00:21:34.359 --> 00:21:37.519 a quick break here. My guest is Jill Robin Paine. 354 00:21:38.200 --> 00:21:41.759 Now again, this is the sort of conversation that people 355 00:21:41.880 --> 00:21:46.039 are reticent to participate in because they almost have to 356 00:21:46.680 --> 00:21:49.400 give a little bit of themselves. So if you have 357 00:21:49.480 --> 00:21:53.160 a question for Jill Robin pain or if you have 358 00:21:54.359 --> 00:21:58.200 are still confused about the concept of empathy, and we 359 00:21:58.519 --> 00:22:00.759 can drill down on that a little bit, or for sure, 360 00:22:01.599 --> 00:22:05.960 I'm more interested in hearing from some of you six one, seven, two, five, 361 00:22:06.039 --> 00:22:09.799 four ten thirty six one seven, nine, three, one ten 362 00:22:09.920 --> 00:22:14.119 thirty feel free to join the conversation. Who knows this 363 00:22:14.200 --> 00:22:18.319 might help you in terms of your relationships at work, 364 00:22:18.759 --> 00:22:23.640 your relationships socially, or your relationships with people who would 365 00:22:23.680 --> 00:22:27.519 you would like to have a closer relationship. We'll take 366 00:22:27.559 --> 00:22:30.759 a quick break. Here comes the news. Light up the phones, 367 00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:34.079 folks again. I can do politics every night of the 368 00:22:34.079 --> 00:22:36.599 week and we can fill the lines when I have 369 00:22:36.759 --> 00:22:41.119 something different. It can be a little more challenging, Butick, 370 00:22:41.160 --> 00:22:43.759 guess what, I have confidence in you, and I have 371 00:22:43.880 --> 00:22:46.920 confidence in my audience, and feel free to join the conversation. 372 00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:50.519 If you're not following the conversation, best way to do 373 00:22:50.599 --> 00:22:53.039 it is to call and ask a question yourself. Six 374 00:22:53.039 --> 00:22:55.000 Mon's seven two, five, four to ten thirty six months 375 00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:57.079 seven nine, three one ten thirty. Will be back on 376 00:22:57.160 --> 00:22:59.279 Night's Side right after the news at the bottom of 377 00:22:59.279 --> 00:22:59.599 the hour. 378 00:23:02.839 --> 00:23:07.519 It's Night Side, Boston's news Radio. 379 00:23:07.920 --> 00:23:10.920 My guest is Jill Robin Pain. Jill, I think we 380 00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:14.559 have intimidated my audience here. We're talking about the concept 381 00:23:15.079 --> 00:23:19.839 of ben okay uh and it's it's funny. Rob was 382 00:23:19.880 --> 00:23:21.599 just telling me that there are so many times the 383 00:23:21.640 --> 00:23:24.200 audience will call us doing too much politics. You're doing 384 00:23:24.200 --> 00:23:27.039 too much politics. Well, politics for me is the coin 385 00:23:27.119 --> 00:23:29.400 of the realm because you open it up and you 386 00:23:29.480 --> 00:23:32.200 get people on both sides. And by the way, sometimes 387 00:23:32.200 --> 00:23:36.400 the conversations can be very heated and people are talking 388 00:23:36.960 --> 00:23:39.920 at one another as opposed to with one another, and 389 00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.240 sometimes we talk over each other, etc. Which can happen 390 00:23:44.640 --> 00:23:47.440 just like politics, sports, and religion. I think of the 391 00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:51.720 three areas. But the example you gave is a good one. 392 00:23:51.799 --> 00:23:54.119 So that means everybody in my audience must be in 393 00:23:54.200 --> 00:23:58.000 a really good relationship that no one out there could 394 00:23:58.039 --> 00:24:00.319 benefit from learning from you. 395 00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:04.480 This is even if you're you have a boss that 396 00:24:04.559 --> 00:24:07.480 you don't get along with. There's there's different things that 397 00:24:07.519 --> 00:24:10.839 you can do. It's I mean, relationships are really important. 398 00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:14.119 And when you're you know what I find I think 399 00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:17.359 a lot of people like to argue. Oh yeah, a 400 00:24:17.400 --> 00:24:17.960 lot of people. 401 00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:21.319