Speaker 1: This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. Can we talk about the ick?
Speaker 1: E the ick? Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Speaker 1: Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio App. Now, it's a new dating term. It's called
Speaker 1: the ick, and it's a slang term for a very visceral,
Speaker 1: sudden feeling of disgust or repulsion. And this feeling comes
Speaker 1: it's directed towards somebody that you were previously attracted to.
Speaker 1: Now it can be triggered by you've just learned something new,
Speaker 1: or you've witnessed something about them that just turned you off.
Speaker 1: But it's always the ick is when you're all you're
Speaker 1: you know, thought the person was great and then there
Speaker 1: was this one thing. Now, as far as dating goes,
Speaker 1: let me tell you the top things that give people
Speaker 1: of all genders the ick. Number one. Bad hygiene, Okay,
Speaker 1: dirty fingernails, bad breath, body odor, greasy hair ew. I
Speaker 1: remember my husband Julio told me once he had a
Speaker 1: date with a very beautiful actress who shall be unnamed.
Speaker 1: And on the second date she had dirty fingernails. I mean,
Speaker 1: she could have been gardening, we don't know, but he
Speaker 1: said he couldn't see her again. Just turned him off
Speaker 1: so much. He's very clean guy. Dirty fingernails that did
Speaker 1: it for him. But sometimes it's something emotional like an
Speaker 1: ick might be somebody who's just overly eager. They're acting
Speaker 1: too obsessed too soon. They're love bombing and using the
Speaker 1: words I love you after just a few texts, a
Speaker 1: few dates and non stop texting planning a wedding in
Speaker 1: their head. Ladies, are you doing that? Some guys do
Speaker 1: it too. Here's one that used to drive me crazy.
Speaker 1: Pour table manners like chewing with their mouth open, slurping,
Speaker 1: talking with food in their mouth, and along the same lines,
Speaker 1: being rude to service personnel. That is a particular tender
Speaker 1: spot to me because I spent a lot of years
Speaker 1: waitressing in my early life and when people treated me
Speaker 1: as less than ugh, I hated it. So I'm really
Speaker 1: triggered if they don't treat weight staff well. But also
Speaker 1: another ick might be like cringey social media behavior, jim
Speaker 1: selfies stop it, you guys, stop it? And the empty
Speaker 1: shirt off in the bathroom mirror selfies no stop it okay,
Speaker 1: or awkward TikTok dancers that you shouldn't be doing. Nope, nope,
Speaker 1: nope okay. So some people say, well, is that a
Speaker 1: red flag if they do that? And we're talking slang
Speaker 1: terms in modern culture. Now, there's a big difference between
Speaker 1: an ick and a red flag, And the biggest difference
Speaker 1: is the feeling of repulsion. So a red flag is
Speaker 1: looking for signs that somebody's not really mentally healthy and
Speaker 1: might not have the capacity for a long term committed relationship.
Speaker 1: But the ick. Having the ick means that you've suddenly
Speaker 1: lost sexual attraction to them because of something you've observed, right,
Speaker 1: And it can be very like instinctive and visceral and
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, and sometimes it's hard to pinpoint
Speaker 1: about where this ick feeling is coming from. Now, the question,
Speaker 1: when you feel the ick, should you always consider it
Speaker 1: a red flag and leave or should you ignore it
Speaker 1: and push through? Well, that is the million dollar question.
Speaker 1: Is it you or is it them? There are people
Speaker 1: out there who are afraid of intimacy, afraid of commitment,
Speaker 1: and so what they're doing is looking for this one
Speaker 1: little thing that drives them crazy about somebody's then God,
Speaker 1: they're not for me, right, So ask yourself if you
Speaker 1: had a pattern, are you getting the ick a lot?
Speaker 1: Because if you are, then maybe the problems you not them.
Speaker 1: So let's say, maybe, maybe maybe this does sound like
Speaker 1: you you do have a feeling of the ick. I'm
Speaker 1: going to give you a little bit of advice about
Speaker 1: how you can move on from it and kind of
Speaker 1: get over it. The first thing you need to do
Speaker 1: is ask yourself, is this a shallow ick or a
Speaker 1: deeper incompatibility ick. A shallow ick might be a cringy
Speaker 1: texting style, a bad outflit, a weird laugh. A deeper
Speaker 1: incompatibility thing might be you know, emotional immaturity, really bad values,
Speaker 1: or somebody with such an anxious attachment style that the
Speaker 1: neediness feels just engulfing. Right, So, if it's a deeper
Speaker 1: incompatibility thing, I understand, red flag, move on. But if
Speaker 1: it's a shallow ick, let's try to reframe it a
Speaker 1: little bit, maybe give it some time. I got to
Speaker 1: remind you that in the early stages of dating, people
Speaker 1: are hyper sensitive and if you can just relax a
Speaker 1: little bit, get to know the other parts of them,
Speaker 1: then it might kind of fade away, And while you're
Speaker 1: doing that, you better shift your focus. You know, whatever
Speaker 1: we watch grows bigger, So if you've now become obsessed
Speaker 1: with that ick and trying to catch it and see
Speaker 1: it again, then it will just grow bigger and bolder
Speaker 1: and drive you more crazy. So yes, you can ignore
Speaker 1: it and focus on all the new positive things that
Speaker 1: you see that are emerging. So maybe you're finding that
Speaker 1: they might chew with their mouth open, but they're really
Speaker 1: emotionally available, or their values really match yours, or they're
Speaker 1: just really kind. The ick can kind of fade, right,
Speaker 1: And is it okay to say, hey, you're doing this
Speaker 1: thing is driving me crazy? Be cautious. I mean, if
Speaker 1: this is a habit, like something like, hey, you know,
Speaker 1: in my family, I've always been taught to chew with
Speaker 1: my mouth closed, let's try that together. That's one thing.
Speaker 1: But if it's something they can't change about themselves, like
Speaker 1: bad teeth. Although I did refer one date to a
Speaker 1: dentist once, I didn't go out with him after that,
Speaker 1: but I did refer him to the dentist, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, tender, be tender, Okay, hey, when we
Speaker 1: come back, Can it really take eight years to get
Speaker 1: over an ex? New research says, perhaps you are listening
Speaker 1: to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1: To the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, I
Speaker 1: get asked about breakups a lot, and usually it's by
Speaker 1: people who are having undergone a breakup, are being triggered
Speaker 1: by thoughts of their ex, or seeing their X somewhere
Speaker 1: or seeing their social media and they say, doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: how long does it take? How long does it take
Speaker 1: to get over this pain, this feeling of loss, this grieving. Well,
Speaker 1: a new study has just come out that says, are
Speaker 1: you sitting down that it can take eight years to
Speaker 1: fully get over an X. The researchers found that there
Speaker 1: are two major factors that impact the timeline of breakups.
Speaker 1: Number one is a partner's attachment style, and number two
Speaker 1: is how much contact somebody has with their ex. I
Speaker 1: should say that the research showed that the average amount
Speaker 1: of time and nobody's ever averaged, but the average amount
Speaker 1: of time it takes to completely get over somebody is
Speaker 1: about four and a half years. Honestly, Look, when I
Speaker 1: broke up with the father of my children, there were
Speaker 1: two years of anger, two years of struggle, and it
Speaker 1: was only like literally like about the maybe like the
Speaker 1: fifth year. Well, I remember thinking, stop being so angry,
Speaker 1: because that's staying in connection with him on some level.
Speaker 1: Now it's with anger, not love. But if you imagine
Speaker 1: that he wasn't alive and you know something happened to him,
Speaker 1: and you were all on your own, how would you
Speaker 1: behave what would you think? And as soon as I
Speaker 1: got to that place then I knew I was over him.
Speaker 1: I was just like, Okay, it's all on me, this
Speaker 1: single motherhood. I'm gonna figure it out, right. So let's
Speaker 1: talk about, first of all, how much contact somebody might
Speaker 1: have with their ex. They are all kinds of reasons
Speaker 1: why people have to stay in touch with their ex.
Speaker 1: Maybe they're raising a family together, they're co parenting, maybe
Speaker 1: they're still running a business together or working together, or
Speaker 1: maybe they're even just sharing a dog, right, sharing a
Speaker 1: mortgage there be. I've heard of couples breaking up and
Speaker 1: even trying to live in the same house. I don't
Speaker 1: recommend it, I really don't. So people who have a
Speaker 1: lot of reason to stay in contact, the length of
Speaker 1: their full detachment is going to take a lot longer. Now,
Speaker 1: I just want to pause here to say, sometimes people,
Speaker 1: especially when it's marital divorce, stay connected with their partner,
Speaker 1: but now through conflict, they go back to court over
Speaker 1: and over. I'm telling you, the family lawyers make a
Speaker 1: ton of money off people who have an anxious attachment
Speaker 1: style because they don't want to fully let their partner go.
Speaker 1: So there's always some court case coming up. There's always something, right,
Speaker 1: it's it's staying in touch through conflict now instead of love.
Speaker 1: So people who have an anxious attachment style might find
Speaker 1: themselves slipping into a lot of back and forth, right,
Speaker 1: because their anxiety makes them create bids to bring their
Speaker 1: ex closer.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: So maybe there's one of those late night drunken texts
Speaker 1: you didn't need to send, but you did because you
Speaker 1: had that moment.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: Some people even slip up and have sex with their
Speaker 1: ex and then the whole thing starts again, right, so
Speaker 1: it depends on your attachment style, and it depends how
Speaker 1: much contact you have with your ex and those people
Speaker 1: that you hear about they get emotionally stuck. Guaranteed they're
Speaker 1: on the side of having an anxious attachment style. They
Speaker 1: have a lot of anxiety around abandonment, fear of abandon
Speaker 1: men even if they wanted to do the breaking up,
Speaker 1: even if they weren't happy with the relationship, they still
Speaker 1: don't like the feeling of losing that mate right. And
Speaker 1: one of the reason, one of the ways, by the
Speaker 1: way that people with an anxious attachment style, I don't
Speaker 1: know how I know this except that I used to
Speaker 1: live it inside of me, is they might sort of
Speaker 1: keep a cadre of potential mates around so that there
Speaker 1: are people they can call whenever they're feeling lonely or abandoned.
Speaker 1: So it might be some incoming mates, it might be
Speaker 1: the current person they're dating, and they might keep a
Speaker 1: loose string attached to that X as well. It's because
Speaker 1: they want to maintain Psychologists would call it proximity seeking behaviors.
Speaker 1: So so they want to keep their X and these
Speaker 1: other potentials all in one orbit, so if one falls
Speaker 1: out they've got another one they can rely on in
Speaker 1: some way. Now, some people will say to me, is
Speaker 1: the breakup worse because I didn't see it coming? Because
Speaker 1: I was completely blindsided? It was a surprise. Well, I
Speaker 1: gotta say. Research on breakups shows that there's pretty much
Speaker 1: always one partner who psychologically checks out before the other one,
Speaker 1: and then the other partner feels blindsided, right that they
Speaker 1: didn't see the early signs that were there. What was
Speaker 1: happening is one partner was checked out, and what do
Speaker 1: they do when they're being checked out? It could go
Speaker 1: on for years, by the way, they could be going
Speaker 1: to the gym and getting ready for the mating marketplace.
Speaker 1: They could be building more social support by hanging out
Speaker 1: with their same sex friends more. They could be working more,
Speaker 1: just bearing themselves in their work. They could be out
Speaker 1: getting plastic surgery to getting themselves ready for the mating marketplace.
Speaker 1: But they're all these things that might happen over a
Speaker 1: couple year period before the breakup actually happens, and the
Speaker 1: one who's feeling kind of alienated and seeing this happening
Speaker 1: is kind of like, you know, this is going to
Speaker 1: blow over. Things are going to get better because there's
Speaker 1: no actually active fighting. The reason why is because the
Speaker 1: other persons made their decision. They're on their way out
Speaker 1: the door, right So I will tell you that always
Speaker 1: somebody feels blindsided, and I don't think necessarily that that
Speaker 1: makes the breakup take life longer. I do want to
Speaker 1: say that if you are ruminating about an AX, if
Speaker 1: you can't get them out of your head, see a
Speaker 1: licensed therapist. Remember when we're hurting the most, we're usually
Speaker 1: growing the most. My therapist used to call it fertile ground.
Speaker 1: It's fertile ground to be able to excavate to figure
Speaker 1: out what's going on inside. So you know, make sure
Speaker 1: that you attend to those feelings. Those feelings are telling
Speaker 1: you something. And I want to end with two important things.
Speaker 1: One is research supports the idea that after a breakup,
Speaker 1: going completely no contact does speed up healing. So that
Speaker 1: means unfriend unfollow block might mean changing coffee shops, jim gyms,
Speaker 1: health clubs, dry cleaners if you risk running into your ex.
Speaker 1: There's no timeline on personal growth. Some people heal for
Speaker 1: the first time in their life weeks before their death.
Speaker 1: Some people do it in their twenties. Some people tend
Speaker 1: to get over things quickly. Other people take much more
Speaker 1: time to process and heal. Nobody's keeping score here. I
Speaker 1: want you to take I want you to take the
Speaker 1: time that you need to get better. But I do
Speaker 1: want to say, don't isolate yourself. Get surround yourself by
Speaker 1: people who love you, and go see a therapist. They
Speaker 1: can really help you sort things out. Hey, when we
Speaker 1: come back, assuming you're not in a breakup, there are
Speaker 1: some questions that long term, happy couples ask each other.
Speaker 1: A version of these questions and let's talk about these
Speaker 1: five questions that couples should always be asking each other
Speaker 1: when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh Show I AM six forty Live everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app. You know, I was talking to my husband
Speaker 1: Julio this morning, and actually we were on an airplane
Speaker 1: this morning, and I was reading this article that said
Speaker 1: there are five questions that couples rarely ask each other,
Speaker 1: and they should continue to ask these questions for their
Speaker 1: whole relationship. And so he and I quickly asked the
Speaker 1: questions to each other. Interesting enough, there were no surprising
Speaker 1: answers for us. So it's because we have similar kinds
Speaker 1: of conversations on the regular. But I want to share
Speaker 1: with you. I'm paraphrasing some of these questions. I'm putting
Speaker 1: some doctor Wendy wisdom into them. But I want to
Speaker 1: talk to you about these subjects that we should be
Speaker 1: talking about as our relationships progress. The first question is
Speaker 1: during times of conflict, the question of simply, how can
Speaker 1: we solve this? I want to break this down for
Speaker 1: a reason. How can we solve this? There are two
Speaker 1: very important words to that question. How can we solve this?
Speaker 1: Three words? Actually, how as soon as you get your
Speaker 1: brain out of the painful emotional place of blaming you
Speaker 1: did this, and you said that, and you promised you
Speaker 1: would do that, and you didn't even and it wasn't
Speaker 1: my fault. I didn't meant. When you can get out
Speaker 1: of that place and put the issue at hand in
Speaker 1: your prefrontal cortex as a problem to solve, how huh?
Speaker 1: Now it's a math problem. It's a realis cube. How
Speaker 1: can let me think? How can we do that? Okay,
Speaker 1: but the other next important word is can? How can?
Speaker 1: How can we? Can? We? We can? We can? Can?
Speaker 1: We remember the mind Here's words were basically hearing that
Speaker 1: we can, we can fix this. But the biggest, most
Speaker 1: important word in the question how can we solve this
Speaker 1: is the word we. And I have to share something
Speaker 1: with you. This week, my husband and I were talking
Speaker 1: about an issue, an issue having to do with me,
Speaker 1: my family, my life right because he's second marriage, late
Speaker 1: in life, he's got his family, I got my family.
Speaker 1: We keep everything separate. But when I brought up something,
Speaker 1: he said, well, we've got some work to do, and
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, I felt this relief come over
Speaker 1: my body with the word we, because I thought I
Speaker 1: was sharing a problem that was all on me to solve,
Speaker 1: and there he was taking some ownership of this problem.
Speaker 1: So there is lots of research to support the idea
Speaker 1: that couples who share the work of problem solving within
Speaker 1: their relationship and believe that they both have a role
Speaker 1: in conflict resolution are much more healthy. Okay, that's question
Speaker 1: number one. How can we solve this? Write that down.
Speaker 1: Number two, how can I help you feel emotionally safe?
Speaker 1: You know, people all the time will say to me, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, my husband or my wife is so avoidant
Speaker 1: and they won't talk about their feelings. And you know,
Speaker 1: if you nag them and say, you know, talk, I
Speaker 1: need you to talk, you know. But instead simply say
Speaker 1: how can I help you feel safer? How can I
Speaker 1: help you feel emotionally safer? They might say, stop asking
Speaker 1: me so many questions, that's what you're supposed to do.
Speaker 1: But when we talk about emotional safety, we mean feeling seen,
Speaker 1: feeling heard, and being respected. Right, So if somebody is
Speaker 1: trying to explain something, you might say something like, oh,
Speaker 1: I hear you, I hear how hurt you are, or
Speaker 1: oh it sounds like you're feeling really overwhelmed at work.
Speaker 1: Give that empathy so that they can feel safe emotionally
Speaker 1: opening up all right? Question number three, how do you
Speaker 1: feel loved these days? That's a good one, right, because
Speaker 1: at the beginning of somebody's relationship it's all about touch
Speaker 1: and sex and compliments and everything else. Then you get
Speaker 1: into the work of life and relationships, and also people
Speaker 1: are changing and growing. Maybe your partner needs something else,
Speaker 1: some kind of instrumental care, you know, like I need
Speaker 1: you to run more errands, I need you to take
Speaker 1: the kids to school once in a while. I would
Speaker 1: feel really loved if you just made the bed or
Speaker 1: did the laundry once in a while, took some burden
Speaker 1: off me. That becomes the expression of love. How do
Speaker 1: you feel loved these days? I will tell you that
Speaker 1: one of the ways that both Julio and I I
Speaker 1: express love to each other. And I know it sounds
Speaker 1: so sappy, but it's just really true. We're just maybe
Speaker 1: we're raised with good manners, me being the Canadian whatever,
Speaker 1: him being raised well by his mom. Is that we
Speaker 1: just express gratitude a lot for even the smallest things.
Speaker 1: We say thank you, we say I appreciate you, and
Speaker 1: that is how we express love more than but you
Speaker 1: might have your own way. Question number four. You need
Speaker 1: to ask your partner this, how do you think you've
Speaker 1: changed since we first met? And how can I support
Speaker 1: that change? You? See, the thing is, relationships are dynamic.
Speaker 1: They're moving and changing at all times. I like to
Speaker 1: think of them as a ven diagram, you know, those
Speaker 1: two overlapping circles where you've got two autonomous, independent people
Speaker 1: and then overlapping in the middle is the relationship. But
Speaker 1: it's important that somebody is allowed to change and grow
Speaker 1: because that makes the relationship more interesting and exciting. So
Speaker 1: ask your partner, how do you think you've changed since
Speaker 1: we first met? And how can I support that change?
Speaker 1: And here's one of my favorites. I love this question
Speaker 1: so much. If you've been with somebody for a long time,
Speaker 1: you know, at the beginning you are filled with hopes
Speaker 1: and dreams and plans, and you guys talked about it
Speaker 1: all the time. And now you're in the business of life.
Speaker 1: Do you still dream together? What are your current dreams?
Speaker 1: What do you talk about building or growing or moving
Speaker 1: or doing together? And if you haven't been dreaming together,
Speaker 1: I'm afraid your relationship is going to start to die.
Speaker 1: Human beings love to look forward. We love hope, we
Speaker 1: love change, we love novelty, we love newness. And when
Speaker 1: with your partner, the two of you can dream and
Speaker 1: plan together, even if it's a small thing, planning a vacation,
Speaker 1: or maybe it's planning a move, planning a new business,
Speaker 1: planning to redecorate the house. I don't know. Whatever your
Speaker 1: dream is to do together then that can help sustain you.
Speaker 1: I wish you the best love this week. After you
Speaker 1: finished listening to my show, I want you to go
Speaker 1: to the person in your life who you love the
Speaker 1: most and thank them for being them. It's always my
Speaker 1: pleasure to be with you every Sunday from seven to nine.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we end a little early because we have bigger,
Speaker 1: better stuff to do. But you can always listen to
Speaker 1: any part of the Doctor Wendy Walls Show that you
Speaker 1: miss by just going to the iHeartRadio app downloading downloading
Speaker 1: the app and then just searching my name, doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 1: And there's a little button at the top called the
Speaker 1: preset button. Just hit that preset button and then anytime
Speaker 1: you open the app, there's anything you missed. There's the
Speaker 1: shows you missed. But I'm always here for you every
Speaker 1: Sunday night. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls's
Speaker 1: show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You
Speaker 1: can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty
Speaker 1: from s seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
Speaker 1: on demand on the iHeartRadio app,