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<v Speaker 1>This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI

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<v Speaker 1>AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand

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<v Speaker 1>on the iHeartRadio app. Can we talk about the ick?

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<v Speaker 1>E the ick? Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall

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<v Speaker 1>Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the

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<v Speaker 1>iHeartRadio App. Now, it's a new dating term. It's called

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<v Speaker 1>the ick, and it's a slang term for a very visceral,

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<v Speaker 1>sudden feeling of disgust or repulsion. And this feeling comes

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<v Speaker 1>it's directed towards somebody that you were previously attracted to.

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<v Speaker 1>Now it can be triggered by you've just learned something new,

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<v Speaker 1>or you've witnessed something about them that just turned you off.

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<v Speaker 1>But it's always the ick is when you're all you're

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<v Speaker 1>you know, thought the person was great and then there

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<v Speaker 1>was this one thing. Now, as far as dating goes,

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<v Speaker 1>let me tell you the top things that give people

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<v Speaker 1>of all genders the ick. Number one. Bad hygiene, Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>dirty fingernails, bad breath, body odor, greasy hair ew. I

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<v Speaker 1>remember my husband Julio told me once he had a

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<v Speaker 1>date with a very beautiful actress who shall be unnamed.

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<v Speaker 1>And on the second date she had dirty fingernails. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>she could have been gardening, we don't know, but he

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<v Speaker 1>said he couldn't see her again. Just turned him off

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<v Speaker 1>so much. He's very clean guy. Dirty fingernails that did

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<v Speaker 1>it for him. But sometimes it's something emotional like an

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<v Speaker 1>ick might be somebody who's just overly eager. They're acting

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<v Speaker 1>too obsessed too soon. They're love bombing and using the

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<v Speaker 1>words I love you after just a few texts, a

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<v Speaker 1>few dates and non stop texting planning a wedding in

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<v Speaker 1>their head. Ladies, are you doing that? Some guys do

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<v Speaker 1>it too. Here's one that used to drive me crazy.

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<v Speaker 1>Pour table manners like chewing with their mouth open, slurping,

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<v Speaker 1>talking with food in their mouth, and along the same lines,

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<v Speaker 1>being rude to service personnel. That is a particular tender

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<v Speaker 1>spot to me because I spent a lot of years

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<v Speaker 1>waitressing in my early life and when people treated me

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<v Speaker 1>as less than ugh, I hated it. So I'm really

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<v Speaker 1>triggered if they don't treat weight staff well. But also

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<v Speaker 1>another ick might be like cringey social media behavior, jim

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<v Speaker 1>selfies stop it, you guys, stop it? And the empty

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<v Speaker 1>shirt off in the bathroom mirror selfies no stop it okay,

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<v Speaker 1>or awkward TikTok dancers that you shouldn't be doing. Nope, nope,

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<v Speaker 1>nope okay. So some people say, well, is that a

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<v Speaker 1>red flag if they do that? And we're talking slang

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<v Speaker 1>terms in modern culture. Now, there's a big difference between

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<v Speaker 1>an ick and a red flag, And the biggest difference

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<v Speaker 1>is the feeling of repulsion. So a red flag is

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<v Speaker 1>looking for signs that somebody's not really mentally healthy and

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<v Speaker 1>might not have the capacity for a long term committed relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>But the ick. Having the ick means that you've suddenly

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<v Speaker 1>lost sexual attraction to them because of something you've observed, right,

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<v Speaker 1>And it can be very like instinctive and visceral and

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<v Speaker 1>all of a sudden, and sometimes it's hard to pinpoint

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<v Speaker 1>about where this ick feeling is coming from. Now, the question,

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<v Speaker 1>when you feel the ick, should you always consider it

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<v Speaker 1>a red flag and leave or should you ignore it

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<v Speaker 1>and push through? Well, that is the million dollar question.

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<v Speaker 1>Is it you or is it them? There are people

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<v Speaker 1>out there who are afraid of intimacy, afraid of commitment,

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<v Speaker 1>and so what they're doing is looking for this one

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<v Speaker 1>little thing that drives them crazy about somebody's then God,

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<v Speaker 1>they're not for me, right, So ask yourself if you

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<v Speaker 1>had a pattern, are you getting the ick a lot?

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<v Speaker 1>Because if you are, then maybe the problems you not them.

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<v Speaker 1>So let's say, maybe, maybe maybe this does sound like

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<v Speaker 1>you you do have a feeling of the ick. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>going to give you a little bit of advice about

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<v Speaker 1>how you can move on from it and kind of

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<v Speaker 1>get over it. The first thing you need to do

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<v Speaker 1>is ask yourself, is this a shallow ick or a

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<v Speaker 1>deeper incompatibility ick. A shallow ick might be a cringy

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<v Speaker 1>texting style, a bad outflit, a weird laugh. A deeper

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<v Speaker 1>incompatibility thing might be you know, emotional immaturity, really bad values,

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<v Speaker 1>or somebody with such an anxious attachment style that the

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<v Speaker 1>neediness feels just engulfing. Right, So, if it's a deeper

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<v Speaker 1>incompatibility thing, I understand, red flag, move on. But if

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<v Speaker 1>it's a shallow ick, let's try to reframe it a

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<v Speaker 1>little bit, maybe give it some time. I got to

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<v Speaker 1>remind you that in the early stages of dating, people

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<v Speaker 1>are hyper sensitive and if you can just relax a

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<v Speaker 1>little bit, get to know the other parts of them,

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<v Speaker 1>then it might kind of fade away, And while you're

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<v Speaker 1>doing that, you better shift your focus. You know, whatever

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<v Speaker 1>we watch grows bigger, So if you've now become obsessed

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<v Speaker 1>with that ick and trying to catch it and see

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<v Speaker 1>it again, then it will just grow bigger and bolder

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<v Speaker 1>and drive you more crazy. So yes, you can ignore

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<v Speaker 1>it and focus on all the new positive things that

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<v Speaker 1>you see that are emerging. So maybe you're finding that

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<v Speaker 1>they might chew with their mouth open, but they're really

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<v Speaker 1>emotionally available, or their values really match yours, or they're

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<v Speaker 1>just really kind. The ick can kind of fade, right,

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<v Speaker 1>And is it okay to say, hey, you're doing this

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<v Speaker 1>thing is driving me crazy? Be cautious. I mean, if

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<v Speaker 1>this is a habit, like something like, hey, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>in my family, I've always been taught to chew with

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<v Speaker 1>my mouth closed, let's try that together. That's one thing.

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<v Speaker 1>But if it's something they can't change about themselves, like

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<v Speaker 1>bad teeth. Although I did refer one date to a

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<v Speaker 1>dentist once, I didn't go out with him after that,

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<v Speaker 1>but I did refer him to the dentist, I don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm just saying, tender, be tender, Okay, hey, when we

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<v Speaker 1>come back, Can it really take eight years to get

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<v Speaker 1>over an ex? New research says, perhaps you are listening

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<v Speaker 1>to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six

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<v Speaker 1>forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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<v Speaker 2>You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI

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<v Speaker 2>AM six forty Welcome back.

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<v Speaker 1>To the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six

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<v Speaker 1>forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, I

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<v Speaker 1>get asked about breakups a lot, and usually it's by

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<v Speaker 1>people who are having undergone a breakup, are being triggered

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<v Speaker 1>by thoughts of their ex, or seeing their X somewhere

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<v Speaker 1>or seeing their social media and they say, doctor Wendy,

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<v Speaker 1>how long does it take? How long does it take

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<v Speaker 1>to get over this pain, this feeling of loss, this grieving. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>a new study has just come out that says, are

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<v Speaker 1>you sitting down that it can take eight years to

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<v Speaker 1>fully get over an X. The researchers found that there

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<v Speaker 1>are two major factors that impact the timeline of breakups.

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<v Speaker 1>Number one is a partner's attachment style, and number two

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<v Speaker 1>is how much contact somebody has with their ex. I

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<v Speaker 1>should say that the research showed that the average amount

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<v Speaker 1>of time and nobody's ever averaged, but the average amount

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<v Speaker 1>of time it takes to completely get over somebody is

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<v Speaker 1>about four and a half years. Honestly, Look, when I

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<v Speaker 1>broke up with the father of my children, there were

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<v Speaker 1>two years of anger, two years of struggle, and it

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<v Speaker 1>was only like literally like about the maybe like the

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<v Speaker 1>fifth year. Well, I remember thinking, stop being so angry,

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<v Speaker 1>because that's staying in connection with him on some level.

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<v Speaker 1>Now it's with anger, not love. But if you imagine

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<v Speaker 1>that he wasn't alive and you know something happened to him,

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<v Speaker 1>and you were all on your own, how would you

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<v Speaker 1>behave what would you think? And as soon as I

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<v Speaker 1>got to that place then I knew I was over him.

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<v Speaker 1>I was just like, Okay, it's all on me, this

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<v Speaker 1>single motherhood. I'm gonna figure it out, right. So let's

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<v Speaker 1>talk about, first of all, how much contact somebody might

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<v Speaker 1>have with their ex. They are all kinds of reasons

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<v Speaker 1>why people have to stay in touch with their ex.

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe they're raising a family together, they're co parenting, maybe

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<v Speaker 1>they're still running a business together or working together, or

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<v Speaker 1>maybe they're even just sharing a dog, right, sharing a

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<v Speaker 1>mortgage there be. I've heard of couples breaking up and

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<v Speaker 1>even trying to live in the same house. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>recommend it, I really don't. So people who have a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of reason to stay in contact, the length of

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<v Speaker 1>their full detachment is going to take a lot longer. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>I just want to pause here to say, sometimes people,

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<v Speaker 1>especially when it's marital divorce, stay connected with their partner,

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<v Speaker 1>but now through conflict, they go back to court over

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<v Speaker 1>and over. I'm telling you, the family lawyers make a

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<v Speaker 1>ton of money off people who have an anxious attachment

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<v Speaker 1>style because they don't want to fully let their partner go.

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<v Speaker 1>So there's always some court case coming up. There's always something, right,

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<v Speaker 1>it's it's staying in touch through conflict now instead of love.

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<v Speaker 1>So people who have an anxious attachment style might find

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<v Speaker 1>themselves slipping into a lot of back and forth, right,

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<v Speaker 1>because their anxiety makes them create bids to bring their

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<v Speaker 1>ex closer.

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<v Speaker 2>Right.

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<v Speaker 1>So maybe there's one of those late night drunken texts

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<v Speaker 1>you didn't need to send, but you did because you

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<v Speaker 1>had that moment.

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<v Speaker 2>Right.

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<v Speaker 1>Some people even slip up and have sex with their

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<v Speaker 1>ex and then the whole thing starts again, right, so

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<v Speaker 1>it depends on your attachment style, and it depends how

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<v Speaker 1>much contact you have with your ex and those people

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<v Speaker 1>that you hear about they get emotionally stuck. Guaranteed they're

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<v Speaker 1>on the side of having an anxious attachment style. They

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<v Speaker 1>have a lot of anxiety around abandonment, fear of abandon

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<v Speaker 1>men even if they wanted to do the breaking up,

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<v Speaker 1>even if they weren't happy with the relationship, they still

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<v Speaker 1>don't like the feeling of losing that mate right. And

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<v Speaker 1>one of the reason, one of the ways, by the

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<v Speaker 1>way that people with an anxious attachment style, I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know how I know this except that I used to

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<v Speaker 1>live it inside of me, is they might sort of

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<v Speaker 1>keep a cadre of potential mates around so that there

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<v Speaker 1>are people they can call whenever they're feeling lonely or abandoned.

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<v Speaker 1>So it might be some incoming mates, it might be

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<v Speaker 1>the current person they're dating, and they might keep a

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<v Speaker 1>loose string attached to that X as well. It's because

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<v Speaker 1>they want to maintain Psychologists would call it proximity seeking behaviors.

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<v Speaker 1>So so they want to keep their X and these

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<v Speaker 1>other potentials all in one orbit, so if one falls

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<v Speaker 1>out they've got another one they can rely on in

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<v Speaker 1>some way. Now, some people will say to me, is

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<v Speaker 1>the breakup worse because I didn't see it coming? Because

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<v Speaker 1>I was completely blindsided? It was a surprise. Well, I

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<v Speaker 1>gotta say. Research on breakups shows that there's pretty much

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<v Speaker 1>always one partner who psychologically checks out before the other one,

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<v Speaker 1>and then the other partner feels blindsided, right that they

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<v Speaker 1>didn't see the early signs that were there. What was

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<v Speaker 1>happening is one partner was checked out, and what do

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<v Speaker 1>they do when they're being checked out? It could go

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<v Speaker 1>on for years, by the way, they could be going

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<v Speaker 1>to the gym and getting ready for the mating marketplace.

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<v Speaker 1>They could be building more social support by hanging out

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<v Speaker 1>with their same sex friends more. They could be working more,

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<v Speaker 1>just bearing themselves in their work. They could be out

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<v Speaker 1>getting plastic surgery to getting themselves ready for the mating marketplace.

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<v Speaker 1>But they're all these things that might happen over a

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<v Speaker 1>couple year period before the breakup actually happens, and the

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<v Speaker 1>one who's feeling kind of alienated and seeing this happening

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<v Speaker 1>is kind of like, you know, this is going to

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<v Speaker 1>blow over. Things are going to get better because there's

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<v Speaker 1>no actually active fighting. The reason why is because the

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<v Speaker 1>other persons made their decision. They're on their way out

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<v Speaker 1>the door, right So I will tell you that always

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<v Speaker 1>somebody feels blindsided, and I don't think necessarily that that

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<v Speaker 1>makes the breakup take life longer. I do want to

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<v Speaker 1>say that if you are ruminating about an AX, if

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<v Speaker 1>you can't get them out of your head, see a

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<v Speaker 1>licensed therapist. Remember when we're hurting the most, we're usually

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<v Speaker 1>growing the most. My therapist used to call it fertile ground.

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<v Speaker 1>It's fertile ground to be able to excavate to figure

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<v Speaker 1>out what's going on inside. So you know, make sure

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<v Speaker 1>that you attend to those feelings. Those feelings are telling

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<v Speaker 1>you something. And I want to end with two important things.

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<v Speaker 1>One is research supports the idea that after a breakup,

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<v Speaker 1>going completely no contact does speed up healing. So that

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<v Speaker 1>means unfriend unfollow block might mean changing coffee shops, jim gyms,

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<v Speaker 1>health clubs, dry cleaners if you risk running into your ex.

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<v Speaker 1>There's no timeline on personal growth. Some people heal for

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<v Speaker 1>the first time in their life weeks before their death.

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<v Speaker 1>Some people do it in their twenties. Some people tend

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<v Speaker 1>to get over things quickly. Other people take much more

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<v Speaker 1>time to process and heal. Nobody's keeping score here. I

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<v Speaker 1>want you to take I want you to take the

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<v Speaker 1>time that you need to get better. But I do

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<v Speaker 1>want to say, don't isolate yourself. Get surround yourself by

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<v Speaker 1>people who love you, and go see a therapist. They

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<v Speaker 1>can really help you sort things out. Hey, when we

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<v Speaker 1>come back, assuming you're not in a breakup, there are

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<v Speaker 1>some questions that long term, happy couples ask each other.

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<v Speaker 1>A version of these questions and let's talk about these

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<v Speaker 1>five questions that couples should always be asking each other

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<v Speaker 1>when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy

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<v Speaker 1>Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on

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<v Speaker 1>the iHeartRadio app.

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<v Speaker 2>You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI

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<v Speaker 2>AM six forty.

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy

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<v Speaker 1>Walsh Show I AM six forty Live everywhere on the

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<v Speaker 1>iHeartRadio app. You know, I was talking to my husband

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<v Speaker 1>Julio this morning, and actually we were on an airplane

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<v Speaker 1>this morning, and I was reading this article that said

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<v Speaker 1>there are five questions that couples rarely ask each other,

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<v Speaker 1>and they should continue to ask these questions for their

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<v Speaker 1>whole relationship. And so he and I quickly asked the

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<v Speaker 1>questions to each other. Interesting enough, there were no surprising

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<v Speaker 1>answers for us. So it's because we have similar kinds

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<v Speaker 1>of conversations on the regular. But I want to share

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<v Speaker 1>with you. I'm paraphrasing some of these questions. I'm putting

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<v Speaker 1>some doctor Wendy wisdom into them. But I want to

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<v Speaker 1>talk to you about these subjects that we should be

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<v Speaker 1>talking about as our relationships progress. The first question is

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<v Speaker 1>during times of conflict, the question of simply, how can

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<v Speaker 1>we solve this? I want to break this down for

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<v Speaker 1>a reason. How can we solve this? There are two

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<v Speaker 1>very important words to that question. How can we solve this?

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<v Speaker 1>Three words? Actually, how as soon as you get your

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<v Speaker 1>brain out of the painful emotional place of blaming you

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<v Speaker 1>did this, and you said that, and you promised you

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<v Speaker 1>would do that, and you didn't even and it wasn't

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<v Speaker 1>my fault. I didn't meant. When you can get out

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<v Speaker 1>of that place and put the issue at hand in

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<v Speaker 1>your prefrontal cortex as a problem to solve, how huh?

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<v Speaker 1>Now it's a math problem. It's a realis cube. How

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<v Speaker 1>can let me think? How can we do that? Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>but the other next important word is can? How can?

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<v Speaker 1>How can we? Can? We? We can? We can? Can?

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<v Speaker 1>We remember the mind Here's words were basically hearing that

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<v Speaker 1>we can, we can fix this. But the biggest, most

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<v Speaker 1>important word in the question how can we solve this

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<v Speaker 1>is the word we. And I have to share something

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<v Speaker 1>with you. This week, my husband and I were talking

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<v Speaker 1>about an issue, an issue having to do with me,

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<v Speaker 1>my family, my life right because he's second marriage, late

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<v Speaker 1>in life, he's got his family, I got my family.

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<v Speaker 1>We keep everything separate. But when I brought up something,

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<v Speaker 1>he said, well, we've got some work to do, and

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<v Speaker 1>all of a sudden, I felt this relief come over

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<v Speaker 1>my body with the word we, because I thought I

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<v Speaker 1>was sharing a problem that was all on me to solve,

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<v Speaker 1>and there he was taking some ownership of this problem.

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<v Speaker 1>So there is lots of research to support the idea

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<v Speaker 1>that couples who share the work of problem solving within

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<v Speaker 1>their relationship and believe that they both have a role

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<v Speaker 1>in conflict resolution are much more healthy. Okay, that's question

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<v Speaker 1>number one. How can we solve this? Write that down.

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<v Speaker 1>Number two, how can I help you feel emotionally safe?

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<v Speaker 1>You know, people all the time will say to me, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, my husband or my wife is so avoidant

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<v Speaker 1>and they won't talk about their feelings. And you know,

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<v Speaker 1>if you nag them and say, you know, talk, I

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<v Speaker 1>need you to talk, you know. But instead simply say

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<v Speaker 1>how can I help you feel safer? How can I

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<v Speaker 1>help you feel emotionally safer? They might say, stop asking

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<v Speaker 1>me so many questions, that's what you're supposed to do.

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<v Speaker 1>But when we talk about emotional safety, we mean feeling seen,

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<v Speaker 1>feeling heard, and being respected. Right, So if somebody is

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<v Speaker 1>trying to explain something, you might say something like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I hear you, I hear how hurt you are, or

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<v Speaker 1>oh it sounds like you're feeling really overwhelmed at work.

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<v Speaker 1>Give that empathy so that they can feel safe emotionally

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<v Speaker 1>opening up all right? Question number three, how do you

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<v Speaker 1>feel loved these days? That's a good one, right, because

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<v Speaker 1>at the beginning of somebody's relationship it's all about touch

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<v Speaker 1>and sex and compliments and everything else. Then you get

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<v Speaker 1>into the work of life and relationships, and also people

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<v Speaker 1>are changing and growing. Maybe your partner needs something else,

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<v Speaker 1>some kind of instrumental care, you know, like I need

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<v Speaker 1>you to run more errands, I need you to take

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<v Speaker 1>the kids to school once in a while. I would

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<v Speaker 1>feel really loved if you just made the bed or

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<v Speaker 1>did the laundry once in a while, took some burden

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<v Speaker 1>off me. That becomes the expression of love. How do

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<v Speaker 1>you feel loved these days? I will tell you that

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<v Speaker 1>one of the ways that both Julio and I I

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<v Speaker 1>express love to each other. And I know it sounds

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<v Speaker 1>so sappy, but it's just really true. We're just maybe

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<v Speaker 1>we're raised with good manners, me being the Canadian whatever,

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<v Speaker 1>him being raised well by his mom. Is that we

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<v Speaker 1>just express gratitude a lot for even the smallest things.

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<v Speaker 1>We say thank you, we say I appreciate you, and

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<v Speaker 1>that is how we express love more than but you

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<v Speaker 1>might have your own way. Question number four. You need

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<v Speaker 1>to ask your partner this, how do you think you've

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<v Speaker 1>changed since we first met? And how can I support

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<v Speaker 1>that change? You? See, the thing is, relationships are dynamic.

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<v Speaker 1>They're moving and changing at all times. I like to

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<v Speaker 1>think of them as a ven diagram, you know, those

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<v Speaker 1>two overlapping circles where you've got two autonomous, independent people

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<v Speaker 1>and then overlapping in the middle is the relationship. But

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<v Speaker 1>it's important that somebody is allowed to change and grow

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<v Speaker 1>because that makes the relationship more interesting and exciting. So

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<v Speaker 1>ask your partner, how do you think you've changed since

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<v Speaker 1>we first met? And how can I support that change?

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<v Speaker 1>And here's one of my favorites. I love this question

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<v Speaker 1>so much. If you've been with somebody for a long time,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, at the beginning you are filled with hopes

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<v Speaker 1>and dreams and plans, and you guys talked about it

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<v Speaker 1>all the time. And now you're in the business of life.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you still dream together? What are your current dreams?

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<v Speaker 1>What do you talk about building or growing or moving

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<v Speaker 1>or doing together? And if you haven't been dreaming together,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm afraid your relationship is going to start to die.

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<v Speaker 1>Human beings love to look forward. We love hope, we

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<v Speaker 1>love change, we love novelty, we love newness. And when

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<v Speaker 1>with your partner, the two of you can dream and

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<v Speaker 1>plan together, even if it's a small thing, planning a vacation,

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<v Speaker 1>or maybe it's planning a move, planning a new business,

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<v Speaker 1>planning to redecorate the house. I don't know. Whatever your

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<v Speaker 1>dream is to do together then that can help sustain you.

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<v Speaker 1>I wish you the best love this week. After you

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<v Speaker 1>finished listening to my show, I want you to go

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<v Speaker 1>to the person in your life who you love the

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<v Speaker 1>most and thank them for being them. It's always my

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<v Speaker 1>pleasure to be with you every Sunday from seven to nine.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes we end a little early because we have bigger,

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<v Speaker 1>better stuff to do. But you can always listen to

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<v Speaker 1>any part of the Doctor Wendy Walls Show that you

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<v Speaker 1>miss by just going to the iHeartRadio app downloading downloading

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<v Speaker 1>the app and then just searching my name, doctor Wendy Walsh.

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<v Speaker 1>And there's a little button at the top called the

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<v Speaker 1>preset button. Just hit that preset button and then anytime

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<v Speaker 1>you open the app, there's anything you missed. There's the

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<v Speaker 1>shows you missed. But I'm always here for you every

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<v Speaker 1>Sunday night. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls's

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<v Speaker 1>show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the

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<v Speaker 1>iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You

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<v Speaker 1>can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty

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<v Speaker 1>from s seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime

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<v Speaker 1>on demand on the iHeartRadio app,