WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:07.200 Look up with come all the things on. 2 00:00:09.919 --> 00:00:11.960 The bottom. 3 00:00:12.119 --> 00:00:18.160 Oh wow, is you You're my favorite views? But that's 4 00:00:18.280 --> 00:00:23.960 nothing and we are back. 5 00:00:24.199 --> 00:00:25.879 Welcome back, bumble bitches. 6 00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:28.359 We are doing another zoom call with a couple. We 7 00:00:28.480 --> 00:00:32.679 have Joey and Ryan, and we are trying to start 8 00:00:32.679 --> 00:00:35.280 doing this on a semi regular basis. We want to 9 00:00:35.479 --> 00:00:37.399 actually talk to people because it's one thing to read 10 00:00:37.439 --> 00:00:39.479 an email. It's another to have a conversation and hear 11 00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:43.359 what's going on in real time here, dialogue, election, yeah, 12 00:00:43.399 --> 00:00:45.679 all of the good stuff. Right, So this is something 13 00:00:45.719 --> 00:00:47.920 that we're trying to start doing on a regular basis. 14 00:00:47.960 --> 00:00:50.479 If you guys are looking to have a conversation with 15 00:00:50.520 --> 00:00:53.119 Peaches and I and you've got relationship troubles and you 16 00:00:53.159 --> 00:00:54.880 want to try to work through that stuff and you're 17 00:00:54.880 --> 00:00:56.679 both willing to get on a call, you can send 18 00:00:56.719 --> 00:00:58.960 me an email Chris at Tobbetter dot com. I'll vet 19 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:01.280 you and then we will go from there. Do you 20 00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:02.600 have anything you want to say before I bring them 21 00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:05.239 on the line. No, that was great, all right, bring 22 00:01:05.319 --> 00:01:08.640 them on un mute. How are you guys doing this morning? 23 00:01:09.519 --> 00:01:10.120 Fantastic? 24 00:01:10.200 --> 00:01:11.280 We're doing good. 25 00:01:12.400 --> 00:01:13.840 So why don't you tell us what you guys got 26 00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:14.239 going on. 27 00:01:15.719 --> 00:01:21.879 Well, Joey and I have been together. Oh how long 28 00:01:21.879 --> 00:01:24.400 has it been now? We originally met. 29 00:01:24.159 --> 00:01:29.239 In twenty three, Yeah, and it was right after I 30 00:01:29.280 --> 00:01:32.319 had just separated from my ex husband. We dated for 31 00:01:32.359 --> 00:01:34.879 a while, took a break for a while, and got 32 00:01:34.879 --> 00:01:36.640 back and we've been steady since. 33 00:01:36.879 --> 00:01:39.920 Defined Like, because you said it was right after you 34 00:01:40.040 --> 00:01:41.599 got divorced, is this why are we talking like a 35 00:01:41.599 --> 00:01:43.120 couple of days? Were talking a couple of months? 36 00:01:43.120 --> 00:01:43.200 Like? 37 00:01:43.239 --> 00:01:44.000 What did that look like? 38 00:01:44.760 --> 00:01:47.359 It was a couple of months after our separation. 39 00:01:47.840 --> 00:01:51.159 The divorce took a while, like to get it actually 40 00:01:51.239 --> 00:01:56.079 legalized because of issues on my ex's end. That doesn't word, 41 00:01:57.280 --> 00:02:01.400 But yeah, we were We were fully separated for a 42 00:02:01.439 --> 00:02:08.199 couple of months before I had met Joey, And like 43 00:02:08.240 --> 00:02:10.479 I said, we dated for I think it was about 44 00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:14.599 nine months and then we broke up for a while 45 00:02:14.639 --> 00:02:17.800 and ended up getting back together in twenty twenty four. 46 00:02:19.240 --> 00:02:20.439 What was the poss breakup? 47 00:02:22.360 --> 00:02:25.800 The biggest thing of it was a disagreement about drinking, 48 00:02:26.919 --> 00:02:29.080 which is still to this day can be one of 49 00:02:29.120 --> 00:02:31.080 our biggest fights. We're doing a lot better about it 50 00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:32.719 actually since I first emailed you. 51 00:02:32.919 --> 00:02:34.680 Okay, we have found new. 52 00:02:34.599 --> 00:02:38.879 Grounds with it, but back then it was about drinking, 53 00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:40.680 and both of us were drinking much heavier. 54 00:02:41.680 --> 00:02:44.719 It was we were both going through different emotional things. 55 00:02:44.759 --> 00:02:46.479 I had a you know, we all had We had 56 00:02:46.479 --> 00:02:51.680 our own issues that aren't necessarily relevant, but we were 57 00:02:51.680 --> 00:02:52.680 both drinking heavily. 58 00:02:52.840 --> 00:02:54.120 I was wanting to stop. 59 00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:57.199 He wasn't necessarily and we just had a disagreement with 60 00:02:57.439 --> 00:03:01.199 if like where we stood on it, and it was 61 00:03:01.560 --> 00:03:04.280 causing a lot of stress in the relationship, so we 62 00:03:04.360 --> 00:03:05.840 ultimately just decided. 63 00:03:05.439 --> 00:03:05.919 To end it. 64 00:03:06.759 --> 00:03:09.520 You said that it wasn't really relevant to anything. If 65 00:03:09.560 --> 00:03:13.319 you guys were drinking to escape or to numb, it's 66 00:03:13.360 --> 00:03:14.199 relevant to everything. 67 00:03:14.319 --> 00:03:17.080 Yes, So I just meant. 68 00:03:17.000 --> 00:03:18.639 I didn't know if you guys wanted to hear the 69 00:03:18.680 --> 00:03:21.400 specifics because like I had just after my divorce, I 70 00:03:21.439 --> 00:03:25.560 also went through a trauma an essay, and so I 71 00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:27.680 wasn't sure how much of that we were we wanted 72 00:03:27.759 --> 00:03:28.159 on there. 73 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:30.879 So obviously we don't need to do the details of 74 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:33.360 the essay, but these these kind of things are important, right. 75 00:03:34.080 --> 00:03:36.560 Trauma big, that's a big trauma, Like that's that's life 76 00:03:36.599 --> 00:03:37.280 changing trauma. 77 00:03:37.400 --> 00:03:39.919 So that's that's made different you on the end of 78 00:03:39.960 --> 00:03:41.159 the on the other side. 79 00:03:40.919 --> 00:03:44.719 Of that, right, So that's definitely prevalent information, but the 80 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:47.759 drinking is still an escapism at that point. You're self medicating, right, Like, 81 00:03:47.800 --> 00:03:51.280 There's a lot of conversation that can go around that, 82 00:03:51.319 --> 00:03:53.199 and I just wanted to have background before we got 83 00:03:53.199 --> 00:03:54.960 too far into things so that as we move, I 84 00:03:55.080 --> 00:03:56.840 know why the things are a thing. 85 00:03:57.639 --> 00:03:58.039 Mm hmm. 86 00:03:58.879 --> 00:03:59.039 Yeah. 87 00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:01.560 I would definitely say I was self medicating. 88 00:04:01.599 --> 00:04:03.360 I was going to therapy about it and honest with 89 00:04:03.400 --> 00:04:05.840 them about it, and I knew what I was doing, 90 00:04:05.879 --> 00:04:08.639 but I couldn't always stop it type of thing. 91 00:04:08.680 --> 00:04:12.879 Addiction does run in both of our families. I don't know, 92 00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:16.399 if you want to touch in on your end of things. 93 00:04:16.680 --> 00:04:18.160 I mean, yeah, I guess for me, like it was 94 00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:21.279 definitely the drinking in it, Like when I look back, 95 00:04:21.319 --> 00:04:24.199 like most of my problems revolve around drinking, which is 96 00:04:24.199 --> 00:04:26.560 why I recently I've been like, Okay, let's put a 97 00:04:26.560 --> 00:04:31.079 holt on this, you know, And I was just adamant, 98 00:04:31.160 --> 00:04:33.000 you know, like I went through some things that year 99 00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:37.639 before as well. In my past relationship, I actually got 100 00:04:37.680 --> 00:04:39.600 pregnant the whole time, told me it was mine and 101 00:04:39.639 --> 00:04:43.279 then come to find out, no, it was not well, 102 00:04:44.079 --> 00:04:47.839 and there's a lot of fighting and like manipulation during 103 00:04:47.879 --> 00:04:49.079 the pregnancy and everything like that. 104 00:04:49.120 --> 00:04:52.160 Like it was with a terrible situation, okay. And then 105 00:04:52.240 --> 00:04:53.480 I ended up moving. 106 00:04:54.079 --> 00:04:57.680 Halfway across the state after that, which is where I 107 00:04:57.720 --> 00:04:58.879 met her in my hometown. 108 00:05:00.279 --> 00:05:03.240 So we both were definitely drinking to deal with the 109 00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:07.480 things that we had endured recently, and we were just 110 00:05:07.480 --> 00:05:10.240 in a disagreeance about it at the time. 111 00:05:10.199 --> 00:05:13.800 You know, Okay. And when you emailed us originally, you 112 00:05:13.800 --> 00:05:15.279 said that the drinking was still a thing, and you 113 00:05:15.319 --> 00:05:17.279 just said, that's that's eased up. So are you guys, 114 00:05:17.399 --> 00:05:19.519 have you both agreed to not drink anymore or what's 115 00:05:19.560 --> 00:05:20.279 that look like? Now? 116 00:05:21.439 --> 00:05:22.480 This is very. 117 00:05:22.279 --> 00:05:27.279 Recent, like as of last weekend type of thing. Like 118 00:05:27.800 --> 00:05:29.600 at least for me, I said, Hey, I still want 119 00:05:29.600 --> 00:05:33.639 to drink on like events, but I don't want to 120 00:05:33.680 --> 00:05:34.720 be drinking the way that I am. 121 00:05:34.920 --> 00:05:36.160 It's not healthy and I don't want my kids to 122 00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:36.519 see that. 123 00:05:36.600 --> 00:05:39.079 Okay, good for me. 124 00:05:39.279 --> 00:05:42.560 I've always I've kind of gone back and forth with 125 00:05:43.000 --> 00:05:47.439 taking long months of sobriety from alcohol. We both do 126 00:05:48.120 --> 00:05:53.040 smoke as well, but I've taken several long breaks just because, 127 00:05:53.079 --> 00:05:57.000 like I said addiction is in both of our families, 128 00:05:57.160 --> 00:06:01.480 and I kind of saw my turning into the addiction 129 00:06:01.560 --> 00:06:05.879 that I've seen growing up, and I didn't like the way. 130 00:06:06.680 --> 00:06:09.199 I didn't like the way that that was going, and 131 00:06:09.279 --> 00:06:12.480 so I have tried taking breaks to make sure that 132 00:06:12.560 --> 00:06:14.279 I do have control over over it. 133 00:06:14.319 --> 00:06:15.879 And if I ever feel like I. 134 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:18.560 Start to lose that control again, is when I pause. 135 00:06:20.160 --> 00:06:23.759 And I realize that like drink, stopping drinking altogether would 136 00:06:23.839 --> 00:06:27.800 be obviously the most ideal, but we also both like 137 00:06:28.360 --> 00:06:31.759 our both of our families and our friends drink. And 138 00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:34.800 that's why like we lean towards like just trying to 139 00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:37.759 keep it to social events. That way we can still 140 00:06:37.800 --> 00:06:40.040 feel a part of that circle, because like when I 141 00:06:40.079 --> 00:06:43.720 am sober, I often get invited to less events like 142 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:47.360 with other people because they don't want to invite me 143 00:06:47.399 --> 00:06:51.279 and make me feel uncomfortable with them drinking. And so 144 00:06:51.720 --> 00:06:53.959 if we can still if we feel like we still 145 00:06:53.959 --> 00:06:58.079 have some days and like holidays or like if we 146 00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:00.879 go on a vacation or something where we're allowed to, 147 00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:03.920 we don't feel like we're as left out, if that 148 00:07:03.959 --> 00:07:06.040 makes sense, or at least that's how I feel. 149 00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:09.199 That does make sense. Just a perspective. 150 00:07:09.439 --> 00:07:11.759 If your circles require you to drink to be in 151 00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:14.079 that circle, there needs to be reevaluations happening. 152 00:07:15.120 --> 00:07:17.199 And I don't think I don't think it's that they 153 00:07:17.240 --> 00:07:18.199 require me to drink. 154 00:07:18.240 --> 00:07:21.680 They're more afraid of making me feel uncomfortable about the 155 00:07:21.720 --> 00:07:24.000 fact that I'm sober and that they aren't like. 156 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:26.360 It's not that they want me to be drinking with them. 157 00:07:26.720 --> 00:07:28.800 No, I understand. But you just said you'll get invited 158 00:07:28.879 --> 00:07:29.600 less because of that. 159 00:07:29.759 --> 00:07:32.680 So there is some type of requirement there, either to 160 00:07:32.720 --> 00:07:34.519 make them feel more comfortable or to make you feel 161 00:07:34.519 --> 00:07:35.160 more comfortable. 162 00:07:35.839 --> 00:07:39.040 Okay, you said that you will continue to drink in 163 00:07:39.120 --> 00:07:40.600 order to be in social circles. 164 00:07:41.240 --> 00:07:41.639 Mm hmm. 165 00:07:42.720 --> 00:07:45.120 This sounds like a soft excuse to continue to do 166 00:07:45.160 --> 00:07:46.800 something that you guys don't really want to give up. 167 00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:49.839 I have a couple of things on this too. Yeah. 168 00:07:49.959 --> 00:07:52.480 So you guys, you said you got you guys got kids. 169 00:07:52.560 --> 00:07:54.360 You told me in the email that you have twins. 170 00:07:54.399 --> 00:07:55.519 You got a boy and a girl, and then you 171 00:07:55.600 --> 00:07:58.160 got a five year old from your previous situation. Is there? 172 00:07:58.199 --> 00:07:59.120 How old are your twins? 173 00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:02.319 They're one? Okay, almost like one and a half. 174 00:08:02.480 --> 00:08:06.040 Okay, so you guys are fully everybody knows about alcohol Anonymous, right, 175 00:08:06.519 --> 00:08:09.720 this is the gold standard for getting off of alcohol. 176 00:08:10.439 --> 00:08:15.399 Are you familiar with the phrase alan on? Yeah, okay, I've. 177 00:08:15.240 --> 00:08:17.560 Been in and out of meetings since I was in 178 00:08:17.600 --> 00:08:18.240 my teens. 179 00:08:19.319 --> 00:08:21.800 Okay, and say they might need to hear a little 180 00:08:21.800 --> 00:08:23.240 bit more about your backstory too. 181 00:08:24.279 --> 00:08:26.000 I mean, I just didn't know what they wanted to know. 182 00:08:26.839 --> 00:08:28.639 So the reason the don't want to get too much 183 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:30.639 in the one Before you get into that, though, I 184 00:08:30.680 --> 00:08:32.200 just wanted to point out because you said that you 185 00:08:32.200 --> 00:08:34.240 didn't want your kids to see you in that aspect. 186 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:38.279 The family members, especially children is so prevalent that in 187 00:08:38.320 --> 00:08:41.080 Florida you can go to ALAN nine meetings while in 188 00:08:41.159 --> 00:08:44.639 school if your parents are alcoholics. The trickle down effect 189 00:08:44.720 --> 00:08:51.240 of parents who cannot maintain themselves or can't completely quit drinking, 190 00:08:51.240 --> 00:08:53.240 if they're an addict, or whatever the case may be, 191 00:08:53.519 --> 00:08:55.120 is so prevalent that we now have it in our 192 00:08:55.159 --> 00:08:58.600 school systems in America to give children some sort of 193 00:08:58.600 --> 00:09:02.120 support group for drunk parents. It's just something that I 194 00:09:02.200 --> 00:09:03.519 want you guys to have in the back of your 195 00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:06.200 mind when you're drinking. Socially. I have we both have 196 00:09:06.200 --> 00:09:08.919 been alcoholics, and I will do a three drink minimum 197 00:09:09.120 --> 00:09:11.679 maximum when I go out and do things, but most 198 00:09:11.679 --> 00:09:13.559 of the time it's a single drink and then I'm good. 199 00:09:13.879 --> 00:09:15.960 I don't want to be belligerent. It's a social thing. 200 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:17.320 If I've got one in my hand and I'm not 201 00:09:17.320 --> 00:09:19.399 really drinking it, nobody's going to offer me another one. 202 00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:22.519 It allows me to look like I'm partaking. It's just 203 00:09:22.639 --> 00:09:25.879 a perception is reality. If people think you're putting them 204 00:09:25.879 --> 00:09:27.480 back and your drink always looks full, it looks like 205 00:09:27.519 --> 00:09:28.360 you just got a new drink. 206 00:09:28.399 --> 00:09:28.559 You know. 207 00:09:29.399 --> 00:09:31.399 The other thing was is you said that you go, 208 00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:33.960 you drink and then you don't, and then you drink 209 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:37.559 and then you don't. When you diet, people who diet 210 00:09:37.600 --> 00:09:39.639 that have the on and off diets are normally forty 211 00:09:39.679 --> 00:09:43.519 percent heavier than people who just eat healthy because you 212 00:09:43.600 --> 00:09:46.679 go through cycles of eating very clean and trying to 213 00:09:46.720 --> 00:09:48.840 take care of your body, and then the complete opposite 214 00:09:48.879 --> 00:09:51.159 because you're no longer on a diet. And it's the 215 00:09:51.159 --> 00:09:52.639 same thing with the drinking. You're going to get to 216 00:09:52.679 --> 00:09:54.559 a point where your mind is getting healthy again, and 217 00:09:54.600 --> 00:09:58.080 then you start putting a depressant, which is alcohol in 218 00:09:58.080 --> 00:10:01.519 your brain and it creates it this vicious cycle of 219 00:10:01.559 --> 00:10:03.399 ebb and flow. And the other thing that I had 220 00:10:03.399 --> 00:10:05.559 wrote down was also the drinking because someone else is 221 00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:08.279 an issue for them. You covered that though, so I 222 00:10:08.279 --> 00:10:10.840 don't have to get into that. Why were you in 223 00:10:10.919 --> 00:10:12.720 meetings off and on since a teenager? Have you been 224 00:10:12.720 --> 00:10:15.240 an alcoholic the entire time? Or is this also because 225 00:10:15.279 --> 00:10:17.840 of alan Non type things? 226 00:10:18.399 --> 00:10:20.759 No, I've always kind of had my own issues. 227 00:10:22.200 --> 00:10:23.919 But at the same time, like if I would have 228 00:10:23.960 --> 00:10:25.440 known about alan On, I probably would have been. 229 00:10:25.399 --> 00:10:26.519 In that one too. 230 00:10:27.279 --> 00:10:30.879 Both my biological parents, which I don't have communication with anymore. 231 00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:36.159 We're both mathematics and that's why we're not in their 232 00:10:36.240 --> 00:10:39.600 lives anymore. I also have a twin sister and it 233 00:10:39.720 --> 00:10:42.000 gave her down syndrome from being in the room. 234 00:10:42.080 --> 00:10:42.279 You know. 235 00:10:43.879 --> 00:10:45.879 I got thetoo. I got the addict part of it. 236 00:10:46.639 --> 00:10:49.840 That's the unfortunate way that worked. It's not an excuse. 237 00:10:49.919 --> 00:10:54.600 It's the cars we were dealt, you know. And now 238 00:10:54.600 --> 00:10:56.600 that I'm kind of realizing it, and I'm just like, dude, 239 00:10:56.600 --> 00:10:59.000 I don't want my kids to see this all the time. 240 00:10:59.120 --> 00:11:01.559 Like in my mind, I'm not sloppy, but I'm also 241 00:11:02.679 --> 00:11:06.000 using something to make myself feel different every day. I 242 00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:08.159 don't want them to think that that stuff's okay. 243 00:11:08.360 --> 00:11:11.559 Yeah, well it's not. And that's exactly what you're doing. 244 00:11:11.559 --> 00:11:14.360 You're using things as an escapism. You might not feel 245 00:11:14.399 --> 00:11:16.279 that you're sloppy, but you were a different person when 246 00:11:16.320 --> 00:11:18.039 you've had two drinks, then when you're not, and if 247 00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:19.840 you've had three or four drinks or five or six, 248 00:11:19.919 --> 00:11:22.000 like you're a very different person. And kids very they're 249 00:11:22.080 --> 00:11:25.879 very perceptive. They know that, like Mom's not normal mom 250 00:11:25.919 --> 00:11:28.679 before she's had a cup of coffee. Like they they 251 00:11:28.720 --> 00:11:33.559 have to adjust their little universe around our big universe 252 00:11:33.600 --> 00:11:35.759 because we get to dictate everything that goes on in 253 00:11:35.759 --> 00:11:37.840 their life. If they can't go outside side and play 254 00:11:37.879 --> 00:11:39.679 because we said so, they have to follow that rule. 255 00:11:40.200 --> 00:11:42.759 So like they're powerless. There you go. I don't have 256 00:11:42.759 --> 00:11:44.600 say anything else. That was it. They're powerless. So it's 257 00:11:44.639 --> 00:11:45.559 important to remember that. 258 00:11:46.919 --> 00:11:48.799 And I think that's what's kind of my big eye 259 00:11:48.840 --> 00:11:51.279 opener was that, And like I want to see. 260 00:11:51.080 --> 00:11:52.480 All the little moments there you go. 261 00:11:52.960 --> 00:11:57.080 I don't want to miss them or forget about them, 262 00:11:57.080 --> 00:11:58.960 because like, yeah, I saw it and I was there 263 00:11:59.000 --> 00:12:00.840 for it, but I wasn't mentally there. 264 00:12:00.960 --> 00:12:02.360 Yeah, I don't. 265 00:12:02.399 --> 00:12:04.960 I don't want that. That's kind of a disgusting feeling 266 00:12:04.960 --> 00:12:05.200 for me. 267 00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:05.639 I don't know. 268 00:12:05.679 --> 00:12:08.480 I've had a lot of like I guess come to 269 00:12:08.519 --> 00:12:11.759 Jesus moments in the last couple of weeks. Literally like 270 00:12:12.600 --> 00:12:14.360 never been the type to open the Bible. One day, 271 00:12:14.360 --> 00:12:18.840 I was just like, let's read the Bible. Like, and 272 00:12:18.879 --> 00:12:20.440 I don't know, maybe this is just like me, like 273 00:12:20.600 --> 00:12:22.519 I need help. I don't know what I'm looking for, 274 00:12:22.600 --> 00:12:24.600 but I know I'm not feeling okay, and like, let's 275 00:12:24.600 --> 00:12:27.399 work on this, let's fix this. And luckily I have 276 00:12:27.399 --> 00:12:30.440 a super supportive partner in person who's always down. 277 00:12:30.240 --> 00:12:31.360 To do that. 278 00:12:31.360 --> 00:12:31.919 That's awesome. 279 00:12:34.320 --> 00:12:36.679 He kind of recently was like, you should keep listening 280 00:12:36.759 --> 00:12:38.159 to the two be better because like she told me 281 00:12:38.159 --> 00:12:41.360 about you guys years ago, and I just kind of 282 00:12:41.360 --> 00:12:43.639 never did, Like I would. I work ten hour days, 283 00:12:43.679 --> 00:12:46.399 I usually just listen to music, you know. And then 284 00:12:46.440 --> 00:12:48.120 I started putting on the podcast. 285 00:12:47.720 --> 00:12:49.120 And was like hey, and then all of a sudden, 286 00:12:49.120 --> 00:12:50.799 I started listening to the Voice of the Broke and. 287 00:12:50.799 --> 00:12:54.159 It was like, ohh so, I mean, I don't know, 288 00:12:54.200 --> 00:12:56.440 for me, it's been super helpful lately and it's kind 289 00:12:56.440 --> 00:12:58.320 of opened my eyes to a lot of different things. 290 00:13:00.120 --> 00:13:01.200 And I think I've just been doing a lot of 291 00:13:01.200 --> 00:13:03.480 self reflecting lately and not liking what I'm saying. 292 00:13:03.879 --> 00:13:05.799 Good, it's where growth happens. 293 00:13:05.799 --> 00:13:06.919 It is where growth happens. 294 00:13:07.320 --> 00:13:08.600 You got anything over there? You want to move on 295 00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:09.399 to the next thing. 296 00:13:10.159 --> 00:13:11.559 The last thing that I wanted to touch on. 297 00:13:13.360 --> 00:13:17.000 It says a lot about the people in your life 298 00:13:17.039 --> 00:13:20.000 if they decide to invite you less because you are 299 00:13:20.039 --> 00:13:22.519 setting a standard for you in your life. And I 300 00:13:22.559 --> 00:13:24.360 don't know if I feel like it's a control thing 301 00:13:24.440 --> 00:13:26.200 for them or if they feel like you're going to 302 00:13:26.279 --> 00:13:29.440 be a Debbie downer because you're not drinking and having 303 00:13:29.440 --> 00:13:30.399 fun the way that they are. 304 00:13:30.919 --> 00:13:34.279 There is a level of right. I smoke. 305 00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:37.639 I will invite people who don't smoke to come over 306 00:13:37.720 --> 00:13:39.480 and hang out if we're doing a group gathering right, 307 00:13:39.559 --> 00:13:42.840 like a barbecue for example. If somebody tells me that 308 00:13:42.879 --> 00:13:44.799 they're not doing something, I trust you to be an 309 00:13:44.799 --> 00:13:47.120 adult and not do that thing. I'm not going to 310 00:13:47.159 --> 00:13:49.639 tiptoe around it or worry about like exposure and all 311 00:13:49.679 --> 00:13:53.000 those kinds of things. And as a friend, right, if 312 00:13:53.039 --> 00:13:54.440 you've told me like, Hey, I'm going to cut back 313 00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:56.120 on my drinking, and I invite you out and I 314 00:13:56.159 --> 00:13:58.120 see you with a drink. We're having a conversation about 315 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:01.039 that because you just know that thing what's going on? 316 00:14:01.120 --> 00:14:01.320 Right? 317 00:14:01.559 --> 00:14:04.440 Yeah, I don't know if it makes a difference, But 318 00:14:05.480 --> 00:14:07.879 in those cases where I'm getting invited out less, it's 319 00:14:07.879 --> 00:14:09.080 most of the time family. 320 00:14:09.519 --> 00:14:11.519 My friends aren't like that. 321 00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:16.559 I have very few friends because of it, because I'll 322 00:14:16.759 --> 00:14:20.200 be choosing to not have bad friends. But it is 323 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:23.000 most of the time family. I think that makes me 324 00:14:23.080 --> 00:14:24.440 feel like I'm invited less. 325 00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:28.720 I would have an even higher standard for the family then, right, 326 00:14:28.799 --> 00:14:30.639 family is supposed to be this elevated. 327 00:14:30.919 --> 00:14:33.720 I got your back no matter what I don't know. 328 00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:35.960 I still stand on the hill of they should trust 329 00:14:35.960 --> 00:14:38.320 you to be an adult and just because you don't 330 00:14:38.320 --> 00:14:40.159 want to drink doesn't mean that you should miss out 331 00:14:40.200 --> 00:14:45.120 on family memories. I would really reevaluate what I'm willing 332 00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:47.000 to do and give of of myself to have those 333 00:14:47.039 --> 00:14:49.600 people in my life. And I'm not saying drinking is 334 00:14:49.600 --> 00:14:52.440 a bad thing. I'm an alcoholic. I don't drink for 335 00:14:52.519 --> 00:14:56.080 a reason. And if I felt like in any sort 336 00:14:56.159 --> 00:14:58.000 of way that that was something I had to do 337 00:14:58.080 --> 00:15:00.679 to be socially acceptable, to be in the invited to 338 00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:01.679 those situations. 339 00:15:02.159 --> 00:15:03.799 That says a lot about the people you're trying to 340 00:15:03.799 --> 00:15:04.759 be around. 341 00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:09.399 Yeah, your your choice to abstain from drinking holds a 342 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:11.559 mirror up to their actions, which is probably why they're 343 00:15:11.559 --> 00:15:14.679 not inviting you, especially if they're your older relatives, because 344 00:15:14.720 --> 00:15:16.159 they look at their life and be like, damn, this 345 00:15:16.200 --> 00:15:17.960 is what I've been doing my whole fucking life, and 346 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:20.279 here forty years she's out here not doing this and 347 00:15:20.320 --> 00:15:21.960 trying to grow and evolve, and they've got a good 348 00:15:21.960 --> 00:15:26.120 marriage and and blah blah blah blah blah. Like it is. Ah, 349 00:15:26.200 --> 00:15:28.120 it's just one of those things. I guess, I don't know. 350 00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:29.759 I don't want to keep harping on this. I know 351 00:15:29.759 --> 00:15:31.679 this is a very prevalent thing with you guys right now, 352 00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:33.919 but this conversation is definitely going to help people out 353 00:15:33.919 --> 00:15:36.399 there who are currently struggling with this. 354 00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:39.360 So and I think a lot more people struggle with 355 00:15:39.399 --> 00:15:43.159 it than they realize, because like I didn't even realize. 356 00:15:42.960 --> 00:15:44.759 I was struggling with it and I was drinking every day. 357 00:15:44.919 --> 00:15:48.679 Yeah, because most people don't think it's a problem put 358 00:15:48.720 --> 00:15:50.720 the kids to bed and helping make the dinner and 359 00:15:50.759 --> 00:15:51.679 clean the house. 360 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:54.759 And do the things. What's the issue? Like, there's still 361 00:15:54.799 --> 00:15:55.480 issues with it. 362 00:15:57.000 --> 00:15:59.200 Yeah, And I think that took me at least a 363 00:15:59.200 --> 00:15:59.960 long time to realize. 364 00:16:00.559 --> 00:16:02.759 But she realized it, and then you know, that's that's where, 365 00:16:02.919 --> 00:16:06.879 like I said, that's where change happens. You gotta you know, 366 00:16:06.879 --> 00:16:08.440 when we realize that this is just not the way 367 00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:10.519 that we want to live our life, it takes something 368 00:16:10.559 --> 00:16:11.600 to it's a catalyst. 369 00:16:12.200 --> 00:16:13.960 Oh, you've had a quote the other day and she 370 00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:16.039 even I heard it and then she like sent it 371 00:16:16.039 --> 00:16:17.360 to me the same day too, and I was. 372 00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:20.519 Like, yes, oh, what was that one? 373 00:16:20.559 --> 00:16:22.279 I can go look at the quote. I can. 374 00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:24.039 It was a good one. 375 00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:27.639 It was on one of the lives on Patriot with 376 00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:28.879 Patreon the other day. 377 00:16:29.440 --> 00:16:31.039 I heard it in like a different I think I 378 00:16:31.080 --> 00:16:33.519 heard it on the Voice of the Broken, but we 379 00:16:33.559 --> 00:16:35.440 heard it the fan day on different things. 380 00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:37.320 Is it that if you always do what you've always done, 381 00:16:37.320 --> 00:16:39.080 you always get what you've always got? 382 00:16:39.360 --> 00:16:40.320 It was right before that. 383 00:16:40.399 --> 00:16:41.519 I think that was the one. 384 00:16:41.559 --> 00:16:45.879 I really like that. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. 385 00:16:45.879 --> 00:16:48.559 I attend him that one, and you only changed once 386 00:16:48.600 --> 00:16:51.039 the discomfort of staying the same is greater than the 387 00:16:51.080 --> 00:16:52.000 discomfort of changing. 388 00:16:53.120 --> 00:16:55.120 And I was like, damn, very accurate, you know. 389 00:16:56.279 --> 00:16:58.399 All right, so what else are you guys dealing with? Like, 390 00:16:58.480 --> 00:17:00.559 let's let's get into the bread and butter of all this. 391 00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:04.200 Now that we understand that there's a history of addiction communication, 392 00:17:05.599 --> 00:17:08.519 can you give us some examples of where the communications struggle. 393 00:17:08.400 --> 00:17:10.440 Line would be? I hold it in. 394 00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:14.480 Then you don't communicate, right, Well. 395 00:17:14.359 --> 00:17:16.759 I will normally want it to a point of like 396 00:17:17.799 --> 00:17:20.200 now I'm frustrated about it, Now I'm annoyed or whatever. 397 00:17:20.359 --> 00:17:22.880 Like that's still not communicating, that's erupting. 398 00:17:23.240 --> 00:17:27.319 Yeah, I just I interrupted you because that's it's furthering it. 399 00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:28.640 That doesn't change your point. 400 00:17:28.880 --> 00:17:30.759 If you are holding things into a point where you 401 00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:33.640