WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.400 on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:09.400 --> 00:00:12.880 Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on 5 00:00:12.880 --> 00:00:16.879 the iHeartRadio App. We're talking about what couples really fight about, 6 00:00:16.920 --> 00:00:21.000 the three c's that underlie every single argument. First up 7 00:00:21.079 --> 00:00:23.879 was care. People are really asking to just be cared 8 00:00:24.399 --> 00:00:28.280 for all. The second is credit, Just acknowledge them, show gratitude, 9 00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:31.280 give credit where credit is due. And finally there's control. 10 00:00:31.320 --> 00:00:36.079 Now this is a tricky one because control is annoying. 11 00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:42.280 It shows up as micromanaging, bossy behavior, or one partner 12 00:00:42.520 --> 00:00:48.960 keeping score, and underneath it all is anxiety. Maybe that 13 00:00:49.039 --> 00:00:53.119 partner feels powerless in some area of life. Maybe the 14 00:00:53.200 --> 00:00:57.159 relationship is the one space where they try to regain control. 15 00:00:58.159 --> 00:01:00.880 So here's the important part. Instead stead of labeling it 16 00:01:00.920 --> 00:01:04.280 as controlling behavior, I want you to try to look 17 00:01:04.319 --> 00:01:08.640 a little deeper and ask yourself why are they micromanaging? 18 00:01:08.760 --> 00:01:12.519 What are they afraid of losing? Here and often that 19 00:01:12.680 --> 00:01:20.640 need for control is a cry for stability, certainty, or fairness, 20 00:01:21.359 --> 00:01:25.319 right So at the end of the day, no matter 21 00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:29.239 what you're arguing about, I want you to ask yourself 22 00:01:29.640 --> 00:01:33.719 and really ask your partner your partner's upset about any small, 23 00:01:34.239 --> 00:01:37.680 silly thing. Instead of criticizing them and saying you're making 24 00:01:37.680 --> 00:01:39.959 a mountain out of a mole hill, what's this really about? 25 00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:43.439 I want you to say what do you need from 26 00:01:43.439 --> 00:01:46.840 me right now? And use that tone of voice, not okay, fine, 27 00:01:46.920 --> 00:01:49.760 what do you need? No? No, no, no no, how 28 00:01:49.760 --> 00:01:52.040 can I help you right now? Honey? What do you 29 00:01:52.120 --> 00:01:56.239 need right now? This cuts through the noise, It shifts 30 00:01:56.280 --> 00:02:02.319 the conversation from blame to vulnerability, and when both partners 31 00:02:02.359 --> 00:02:05.079 can finally learn how to spot that there's a need 32 00:02:05.120 --> 00:02:11.039 for care, credit, or control, they can stop fighting over 33 00:02:11.080 --> 00:02:17.400 the content and start addressing the connection. Remember, the goal 34 00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:20.360 of having a healthy relationship isn't to avoid conflict. Okay, 35 00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:22.479 conflict is good and it's healthy, and intimacy as good 36 00:02:23.080 --> 00:02:26.240 is to have healthy repair. Right, So after the yelling 37 00:02:26.280 --> 00:02:30.120 and the bickering, it's time to say, I love you, 38 00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:33.919 I'm sorry, how can I help you? What do you 39 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:37.360 need right So the next time you hear your partner 40 00:02:37.439 --> 00:02:41.159 say you always leave your dishes in the sink. I 41 00:02:41.199 --> 00:02:43.360 want you to take a deep breath, and I want 42 00:02:43.360 --> 00:02:46.319 you to ask yourself. Are they asking me to care? 43 00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:50.199 Are they asking me to appreciate them? Or are they 44 00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:53.680 asking me to help them control the chaos, the mess 45 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:58.199 in the kitchen? Right, think about care, credit and control. 46 00:02:58.240 --> 00:03:02.439 Write that down, care, credit and control. All right, let's 47 00:03:02.439 --> 00:03:05.919 move along. I was reading this article. I can't remember 48 00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:09.840 where it was written by doctor Mark Travers, a psychologist 49 00:03:09.919 --> 00:03:13.639 who specializes in the research on relationships. He happens to 50 00:03:13.639 --> 00:03:16.919 hold degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. 51 00:03:17.199 --> 00:03:21.199 Like I said, there's amazing relationship researchers around the world, 52 00:03:21.199 --> 00:03:23.360 and I love to report on their work. And he'd 53 00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:26.960 written an article saying that in all the healthy happy 54 00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:30.479 couples he studied that there are five things that couples 55 00:03:30.520 --> 00:03:33.840 do healthy happy couples do on the weekends. You ready 56 00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:36.360 for it? Five things? Yeah? You can keep scoreing this 57 00:03:37.039 --> 00:03:40.319 number one. This is the hard one. I know. They 58 00:03:40.360 --> 00:03:43.879 mostly put their phones away, right, A couple who spends 59 00:03:43.879 --> 00:03:45.919 a whole lot of time together, but they're always distracted 60 00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:48.039 by their texts. This is not good. Or if they're 61 00:03:48.080 --> 00:03:51.639 on emails or social media. This isn't a happy couple, right. 62 00:03:52.039 --> 00:03:54.360 It's interesting. I have a social media manager and she 63 00:03:54.520 --> 00:03:55.800 called me last week because you need to be on 64 00:03:55.840 --> 00:03:58.439 social media more. You need to be responding to people, 65 00:03:58.479 --> 00:03:59.719 you need to be put in comments, you need to 66 00:03:59.719 --> 00:04:02.280 answer the questions and blah blah blah. And I'm thinking, 67 00:04:02.879 --> 00:04:07.159 but I'm happy now. I have a life. Honestly, I 68 00:04:07.199 --> 00:04:09.159 care about you guys. I'll get back on social media more. 69 00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:14.680 But carving out one on one time without technology is 70 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:17.879 so important to a happy, healthy relationship. And there's different 71 00:04:17.879 --> 00:04:20.360 times couples might do. It might be like during their 72 00:04:20.360 --> 00:04:22.839 morning coffee. So I'll tell you my favorite thing we do. 73 00:04:23.000 --> 00:04:25.040 So I'm actually on my phone at this time. But 74 00:04:26.279 --> 00:04:29.720 when we wake up in the morning, Julio actually needs 75 00:04:29.720 --> 00:04:32.519 more sleep than I do, which is rare. So I 76 00:04:32.600 --> 00:04:35.360 get up and I make myself my latte. I crawl 77 00:04:35.399 --> 00:04:38.839 back in bed, and I read sometimes on my phone, 78 00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:41.720 but I like to just touch toes and cuddle with 79 00:04:41.839 --> 00:04:44.560 him and wait for him to slowly wake up. And 80 00:04:44.959 --> 00:04:47.360 in a weird way, this is a connection. And when 81 00:04:47.399 --> 00:04:49.959 he wakes up, I obviously put my phone down and 82 00:04:49.959 --> 00:04:51.519 then we talk and say good morning and all that 83 00:04:51.560 --> 00:04:54.160 kind of stuff. So put your phones away on the weekends, 84 00:04:54.720 --> 00:04:57.000 all right. The other thing healthy couples do is they 85 00:04:57.040 --> 00:04:59.199 engage in parallel play. Now, if your parent you know 86 00:04:59.199 --> 00:05:02.040 what that is. Small children don't often engage with each 87 00:05:02.079 --> 00:05:04.319 other at the park, but they parallel play. They do 88 00:05:04.360 --> 00:05:06.560 what's fun for them right beside the other. They have 89 00:05:06.680 --> 00:05:10.040 company while they're doing what they like to do. So 90 00:05:10.519 --> 00:05:12.839 one of the things Julio likes to do on those 91 00:05:12.839 --> 00:05:14.600 mornings that he does get up early, is he likes 92 00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:17.720 to watch the Formula one races. So, and we were 93 00:05:17.759 --> 00:05:21.000 watching horse races the other day. Boy, that jockey with 94 00:05:21.040 --> 00:05:23.319 the pink hat. Did you watch that race? I don't 95 00:05:23.360 --> 00:05:25.560 even know what it was, but that horse was way 96 00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:27.600 at the back and he pushed down almost those other 97 00:05:27.639 --> 00:05:30.079 two almost fell down, and he won the race. Anyway, 98 00:05:30.680 --> 00:05:33.199 I sit there doing the things I like to do, 99 00:05:33.600 --> 00:05:38.560 whether it's reading, whether it's writing, whether it's you know, 100 00:05:38.639 --> 00:05:40.879 just sipping a cup of tea and daydreaming and thinking 101 00:05:40.879 --> 00:05:44.160 about my dreams. But I sit with him while he 102 00:05:44.560 --> 00:05:48.759 does what he likes. It's parallel play. Right. Sometimes I'll 103 00:05:48.800 --> 00:05:52.079 be gardening and he will, like we garden together at 104 00:05:52.079 --> 00:05:54.560 our farm, and he'll do the heavy labor. I'll do 105 00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:56.519 the light stuff. We come back together. He may tinker 106 00:05:56.600 --> 00:05:58.959 with his car in the garage and I may be 107 00:05:59.079 --> 00:06:02.319 gardening just outside the garage. But we're kind of parallel 108 00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:05.680 playing together. We know each other are there. It wouldn't 109 00:06:05.720 --> 00:06:08.680 be the same doing it alone without the person nearby, 110 00:06:09.079 --> 00:06:13.120 but we don't necessarily have to engage. The other thing 111 00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:15.800 healthy couples do is they create rituals together. We have 112 00:06:15.839 --> 00:06:19.839 silly rituals, like he's down the hall right now. He 113 00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:22.120 likes to come to work with me on Sundays. He 114 00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:24.600 brings his computer, he does his work. But we have 115 00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:27.519 a ritual of how we drive to work, what time 116 00:06:27.519 --> 00:06:30.319 we leave. We stop at Whole Foods, we get a snack, 117 00:06:30.439 --> 00:06:32.480 We do this whole thing. It's like our Sunday rituals. 118 00:06:32.519 --> 00:06:34.720 Some people go to church, he comes to work with me. 119 00:06:34.800 --> 00:06:39.079 So there you go. Create a weekend ritual. Number four 120 00:06:39.480 --> 00:06:43.319 couples make a sex schedule. Listen, this is not unromantic. 121 00:06:43.600 --> 00:06:46.959 Sex is never spontaneous. When you're in long term committed monogamy, 122 00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:50.319 don't expect it to just happen. You must talk about it. 123 00:06:50.560 --> 00:06:54.959 You must put it on the schedule, and the last 124 00:06:54.959 --> 00:07:01.199 one is healthy couples laugh on purpose. I'm not. I'm 125 00:07:01.279 --> 00:07:05.360 like a curmudgeon old Irish Catholic and he's a like 126 00:07:05.480 --> 00:07:10.000 giggily Dominican, and so he manages to make lightness and 127 00:07:10.120 --> 00:07:15.839 laughter out of so many things. Right. So, during the 128 00:07:15.839 --> 00:07:18.720 week I know you look for things to stress over, 129 00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:21.040 but on the weekends, I want you to take those 130 00:07:21.040 --> 00:07:24.680 glasses off and focus on what's funny about your life, 131 00:07:24.759 --> 00:07:28.759 what is joyful about your life? All right? When we 132 00:07:28.800 --> 00:07:32.040 come back, I am heading to my social media see December, 133 00:07:32.040 --> 00:07:34.279 my social media manager. You hear that, And I'm going 134 00:07:34.360 --> 00:07:37.360 to start answering some social media questions. If you'd like 135 00:07:37.399 --> 00:07:40.480 to send me a relationship question. Remember I'm not a therapist. 136 00:07:40.519 --> 00:07:43.079 I'm a psychology professor, but I've got lots of life wisdom. 137 00:07:43.959 --> 00:07:47.519 Send me a question a DM on Instagram at d 138 00:07:47.720 --> 00:07:50.199 R Wendy Walsh. I will keep your name anonymous and 139 00:07:50.199 --> 00:07:52.079 I'll be happy to answer it on air when we 140 00:07:52.120 --> 00:07:54.199 come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy wallsh Show 141 00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:58.319 on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 142 00:07:58.759 --> 00:08:02.399 You're listening to dot org Wendy Walsh on demand from 143 00:08:02.519 --> 00:08:04.120 KFI AM six forty. 144 00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:07.319 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on KFI 145 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:11.319 AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. 146 00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:13.480 On that note, I do want to say you should 147 00:08:13.519 --> 00:08:16.319 download the iHeartRadio app. If you're listening to me on 148 00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:19.279 traditional AM radio, good for you. Yay your car still 149 00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:21.439 has it. Who knows what the future is about. Many 150 00:08:21.480 --> 00:08:24.839 other people listen to radio now on an app and 151 00:08:24.879 --> 00:08:27.040 through Bluetooth in their car or wherever they are through 152 00:08:27.079 --> 00:08:29.879 their headset. So what you can do is download the 153 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:33.159 iHeart Radio app. Then you search my name, doctor Wendy Walsh, 154 00:08:33.240 --> 00:08:34.960 and then there's a little button at the top called 155 00:08:35.039 --> 00:08:39.480 pre Set. If you click the preset button, then if 156 00:08:39.559 --> 00:08:41.799 you like, whenever you open the app, I will come 157 00:08:41.879 --> 00:08:46.240 up first and any shows that you missed, because after 158 00:08:46.440 --> 00:08:49.759 we go off air tonight and every Sunday night, producer 159 00:08:49.840 --> 00:08:52.120 Kayla takes each hour of the show and puts it 160 00:08:52.200 --> 00:08:54.799 up as a podcast called Doctor Wendy on Demand, So 161 00:08:55.519 --> 00:08:57.200 they're all there if you miss any if you want 162 00:08:57.200 --> 00:08:58.759 to go back, I think she puts a little description 163 00:08:58.879 --> 00:09:02.000 there you can scroll, et cetera. So you should be 164 00:09:02.080 --> 00:09:04.200 following me on the iHeartRadio app. 165 00:09:04.960 --> 00:09:05.320 All right. 166 00:09:05.679 --> 00:09:08.320 With that said, this is the time of the show 167 00:09:08.360 --> 00:09:11.679 where I answer your relationship questions that you sent to 168 00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:15.080 me on social media. If you would like to send 169 00:09:15.080 --> 00:09:19.039 me a question. The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh. 170 00:09:19.080 --> 00:09:24.159 That's at Dr Wendy Walsh. We mostly during the show 171 00:09:24.559 --> 00:09:27.039 check Instagram, but I'm on every social media find me 172 00:09:27.080 --> 00:09:31.840 wherever you are. So here we go scrolling in. Hey, 173 00:09:31.919 --> 00:09:36.440 doctor Wendy says this listener, my boyfriend did something that 174 00:09:36.519 --> 00:09:40.720 really hurt me. They cut me so deep. Ooh. He cheated, 175 00:09:41.279 --> 00:09:44.440 which is something I never thought he would do. While 176 00:09:44.480 --> 00:09:46.960 I can forgive him, I don't really want to sleep 177 00:09:46.960 --> 00:09:49.639 with him right now because I don't feel emotionally safe. 178 00:09:50.279 --> 00:09:53.360 How can I best describe this to him in a 179 00:09:53.399 --> 00:09:57.919 calm way? Well, first of all, I can understand why 180 00:09:57.960 --> 00:10:00.000 you don't want to have physical intimacy with him, because 181 00:10:00.159 --> 00:10:04.159 what you've lost is trust. And even though you say, well, 182 00:10:04.159 --> 00:10:07.080 I can forgive him, but I'm not ready yet, it 183 00:10:07.159 --> 00:10:11.519 means you're still in process. So I think the conversation 184 00:10:11.799 --> 00:10:14.840 shouldn't be about here's why I'm not having sex with you, 185 00:10:15.639 --> 00:10:20.120 and the conversation should more go like this, you know, 186 00:10:20.360 --> 00:10:24.279 what happened between us has caused a breach in our trust, 187 00:10:25.360 --> 00:10:28.879 and I don't know how to trust you again. I 188 00:10:28.919 --> 00:10:31.320 don't know how long it'll take to be able to 189 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:37.080 trust you. So what can we do to fix this? 190 00:10:37.960 --> 00:10:41.200 How can we fix this? How can you earn your 191 00:10:41.240 --> 00:10:45.159 trust back? Now? If he tries this get over at 192 00:10:45.159 --> 00:10:49.519 babes nonsense, then you shouldn't be with him. Is a 193 00:10:49.519 --> 00:10:52.639 guy who's going to continue to hurt you? Right? If 194 00:10:52.679 --> 00:10:55.159 he instead says I know how you feel, Let's take 195 00:10:55.200 --> 00:10:58.200 some time, let's build it up again. I'm sorry, and 196 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:00.600 he shows real remorse, then you're on the way to 197 00:11:00.639 --> 00:11:04.159 building trust again. But if he's like, I don't know, 198 00:11:04.360 --> 00:11:07.039 that's up to you. You have to figure out a way, then, 199 00:11:07.360 --> 00:11:09.519 you know what, maybe you shouldn't be with this person. 200 00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:14.480 I always say the best predictor of somebody's future behavior 201 00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:18.200 is their past behavior. I know, I know some people 202 00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:22.120 say it's not true. Once a cheater, always a cheater, Yeah, 203 00:11:22.159 --> 00:11:24.799 but it mostly is. I'm just gonna say that I'm sorry. 204 00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:28.240 Mostly is all right. I'm sorry, baby, that happened to you. 205 00:11:28.600 --> 00:11:32.639 I hope he gets his straight and you value yourself 206 00:11:32.759 --> 00:11:36.000 enough to leave. If he doesn't. All right, move it along, 207 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:41.240 Dear doctor Wendy, I expect my boyfriend to pay for everything, 208 00:11:41.759 --> 00:11:45.000 even though we are well beyond the courting phase. He 209 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:47.080 seems to be under the impression that once we're a 210 00:11:47.080 --> 00:11:49.840 long term will be fifty to fifty. I will not. 211 00:11:50.799 --> 00:11:54.279 How do we get on the same page? Okay, first 212 00:11:54.320 --> 00:11:58.799 of all, is he a multi millionaire? And are you 213 00:11:58.840 --> 00:12:02.639 a student? So you can have that attitude. Okay, you're 214 00:12:02.679 --> 00:12:07.759 bettering yourself. He has lots of expendable income. But in 215 00:12:07.799 --> 00:12:12.759 today's times, Lady Jane, most women are more educated and 216 00:12:12.799 --> 00:12:15.559 make more money than most men. So what the conversation 217 00:12:15.639 --> 00:12:20.159 you need to have is about income and about a 218 00:12:20.320 --> 00:12:25.559 proportionate share of expenses. Right, if you are past the 219 00:12:25.600 --> 00:12:28.120 courting phase, you're in a long term relationship. I don't 220 00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:30.200 know where that long term begins in your mind, whether 221 00:12:30.200 --> 00:12:33.039 it's six months later, a year later, or whatever, but 222 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:35.559 you need to have the conversation. I make this much, 223 00:12:35.600 --> 00:12:38.120 you make that much, You make twice as much as me. 224 00:12:38.240 --> 00:12:39.759 I think it's fair for you to pay twice this 225 00:12:39.840 --> 00:12:42.480 amount of time. Or I make twice as much as you, 226 00:12:42.600 --> 00:12:46.360 so maybe I should be contributing more. That's the conversation, 227 00:12:47.039 --> 00:12:49.679 not this. You see what happens. The problem with so 228 00:12:49.759 --> 00:12:53.759 many women is they hate patriarchy because it kept them 229 00:12:53.759 --> 00:12:56.240 from getting ahead and making money. But yet when it 230 00:12:56.240 --> 00:12:59.600 comes to their social lives, they keep patriarchy very firm 231 00:12:59.639 --> 00:13:03.440 in their head. He should pay right, and I'm like, well, 232 00:13:04.600 --> 00:13:07.519 should he pay one hundred percent of everything? Now? I 233 00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:09.840 think the most important thing is that you have communication. 234 00:13:10.720 --> 00:13:13.159 It's not that you need to be on the same page. 235 00:13:13.200 --> 00:13:14.639 And it sounds like you're asking me how do I 236 00:13:14.639 --> 00:13:17.600 get him to agree with me? But you need to 237 00:13:17.600 --> 00:13:22.399 come to an agreement that's a deeper understanding about psychology 238 00:13:22.399 --> 00:13:25.000 of money and also what it means to you in 239 00:13:25.080 --> 00:13:28.360 terms of care. When somebody pays one hundred percent, if 240 00:13:28.360 --> 00:13:31.720 they pay less, does that mean you feel less cared for? 241 00:13:32.120 --> 00:13:34.720 Are there other ways that he can show his care? 242 00:13:35.120 --> 00:13:38.519 For instance, I've said this many times. My husband loves 243 00:13:38.559 --> 00:13:42.360 to do dishes, my husband loves to do laundry. I 244 00:13:42.399 --> 00:13:44.840 say to people, he is worth his weight in gold. 245 00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:49.879 He's a gold mine walking into my house. There you go, 246 00:13:51.039 --> 00:13:56.240 all right, Dear doctor Wendy, Oh, it's a sex question. 247 00:13:57.200 --> 00:14:02.399 I never orgasm with both with my both my boyfriend 248 00:14:02.679 --> 00:14:05.720 both my boyfriends. Wait, you have two and I have 249 00:14:05.879 --> 00:14:08.960 so easily with others we've been together. I think she 250 00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:11.960 means with my boyfriend. I think the word both was 251 00:14:11.960 --> 00:14:14.279 supposed to be there. I never orgasm with my boyfriend, 252 00:14:14.279 --> 00:14:16.759 and I have so easily with others. We've been together 253 00:14:16.840 --> 00:14:19.240 nine months. Is this a sign we aren't compatible? Well? 254 00:14:19.279 --> 00:14:20.960 I would you know if you were to go see 255 00:14:21.000 --> 00:14:24.639 a sex therapist. A sex therapist would probably say something like, 256 00:14:25.960 --> 00:14:30.399 you need to have communication about your sexual needs. I also, 257 00:14:30.480 --> 00:14:32.639 as a woman, just want to tell you that orgasm 258 00:14:32.639 --> 00:14:34.840 takes place in our heads. It doesn't mean it's in 259 00:14:34.879 --> 00:14:37.080 our imagination. It means that we have to have an 260 00:14:37.120 --> 00:14:40.320 active fantasy life, especially in long term monogamy. So what 261 00:14:40.360 --> 00:14:42.279 are you picturing in your head? Is your head working 262 00:14:42.279 --> 00:14:45.519 through it? I don't know there's something that's stalling in you. Anyway. 263 00:14:45.559 --> 00:14:48.000 A sex therapist, if you go see one, could probably 264 00:14:48.080 --> 00:14:50.480 help you, guys, figure this out, and you could also 265 00:14:51.799 --> 00:14:55.279 have a conversation about it and maybe express your needs 266 00:14:55.360 --> 00:14:59.000 and what you like. Just say it, Uh okay, Dear 267 00:14:59.039 --> 00:15:02.519 doctor Wendy, other of my children says, the only way 268 00:15:02.559 --> 00:15:06.399 we could be together and be a family is if 269 00:15:06.440 --> 00:15:14.799 I take him off child support? Should I? No, no, no, 270 00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:18.519 I don't know anything else to say. No. So wait, 271 00:15:18.639 --> 00:15:23.440 he's saying that if you make sure that he doesn't 272 00:15:23.480 --> 00:15:27.080 have to pay child support, he'll live with you, pretend 273 00:15:27.120 --> 00:15:30.559 to be your husband and not contribute anything. You're gonna 274 00:15:30.600 --> 00:15:36.919 wait on his kindness and goodness to maybe contribute. No, No, 275 00:15:38.000 --> 00:15:39.919 I think what you need to say to him is, 276 00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:47.320 how about we work out an agreement, a post nuptial, prenuptial, whatever, 277 00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:50.200 a living agreement that says how much you'll contribute to 278 00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:52.120 the household, and then I'll take you off child support 279 00:15:52.120 --> 00:15:55.080 and sign that with a witness and maybe an attorney. 280 00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:57.960 You got sounds like this guy needs to have legally 281 00:15:58.080 --> 00:16:01.720 bounding parenthood in order for him to parent. No, no, no, 282 00:16:01.799 --> 00:16:04.080 don't do it. Don't do it? All right? When we 283 00:16:04.120 --> 00:16:07.919 come back a question about texting, hmm, I've got some 284 00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:10.200 thoughts on that. You are listening to the Dr Andy 285 00:16:10.200 --> 00:16:13.320 Waalsh Show and KFI AM six forty live everywhere on 286 00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:14.440 the iHeartRadio app. 287 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:19.639 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 288 00:16:19.840 --> 00:16:22.000 AM six forty Oh. 289 00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:24.480 Welcome back to the Dr Wendy wallsh Show on KFI 290 00:16:24.639 --> 00:16:27.919 AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I 291 00:16:27.960 --> 00:16:32.240 am answering your direct messages from Instagram. If you're on Instagram, 292 00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:35.519 send me a DM. I will keep your identity a 293 00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:40.159 secret anonymous. Uh, you just send it to at Dr 294 00:16:40.360 --> 00:16:44.480 Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, and if I 295 00:16:44.519 --> 00:16:46.000 don't get to it this week, we'll get to it 296 00:16:46.039 --> 00:16:48.519 next week. You know, producer k that pulls him out. Okay. 297 00:16:48.799 --> 00:16:52.639 Dear doctor Wendy, what are your thoughts on texting? First? 298 00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:55.840 Is it a man's responsibility, does it matter? Is it 299 00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:59.799 all a game? Or is he not interested? This is 300 00:16:59.840 --> 00:17:03.720 an excellent question. I have very serious answers to this, 301 00:17:04.960 --> 00:17:06.960 and I know you're thinking that she's going to say 302 00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:11.680 it doesn't matter. It matters. So at a basic biological level, 303 00:17:12.400 --> 00:17:16.640 sperm chases egg, not the reverse. An egg sits there 304 00:17:16.960 --> 00:17:21.039 waiting to take applications or answer texts, and at the 305 00:17:21.079 --> 00:17:26.000 same time, human beings value what they have to work for. 306 00:17:26.920 --> 00:17:30.079 In your case, the work is in waiting, and while 307 00:17:30.119 --> 00:17:33.119 you're waiting, you're liking a more because it's bothering you 308 00:17:33.400 --> 00:17:36.799 that he's not texting back or at all. Right, it 309 00:17:37.319 --> 00:17:40.480 ops his value in your eyes. So you know how 310 00:17:40.519 --> 00:17:45.160 you will lose value by texting first and making it easy. Yes, 311 00:17:45.319 --> 00:17:47.279 at the very beginning of relationship, a guy should always 312 00:17:47.279 --> 00:17:50.240 text first. And if he doesn't, I'm sorry, baby girl, 313 00:17:50.279 --> 00:17:55.039 he is not interested. You've got to move along. Does 314 00:17:55.079 --> 00:17:57.039 it matter, Yes, it matters. Is it all a game. 315 00:17:57.680 --> 00:18:01.000 It's a strategy, not a game. Look, you're on this 316 00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:04.839 planet because your mother, your grandmother, your great grandmother had 317 00:18:04.960 --> 00:18:09.759 great female mating strategies. So you got to have the 318 00:18:09.319 --> 00:18:12.920 same strategy. And the strategy is walk away from a 319 00:18:13.000 --> 00:18:16.880 dude who's non responsive if he's not texting you. That's 320 00:18:16.920 --> 00:18:18.880 all you need to know. You don't need closure, you 321 00:18:18.880 --> 00:18:22.440 don't need evidence. Just go away, Just forget them, lock them, 322 00:18:23.079 --> 00:18:26.799 ghost them, godbye, go go go. All right, dear doctor Wendy, 323 00:18:27.119 --> 00:18:29.759 do you think traditional marriage and children can be attained 324 00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:32.799 in twenty twenty five? Ooh, that is a loaded question. 325 00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:37.400 Let's talk about what traditional means. So some people believe 326 00:18:37.880 --> 00:18:43.680 that traditional means that one heterosexual man and one heterosexual 327 00:18:43.759 --> 00:18:49.559 woman meet in early life in their twenties, perhaps get married, 328 00:18:50.319 --> 00:18:54.079 have Maybe it means traditional gender roles where the woman 329 00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:55.880 stays home and cares for the home and children. The 330 00:18:55.920 --> 00:18:59.519 man is the financial supporter, and they stay together until 331 00:18:59.519 --> 00:19:03.079 two deaths to us part. This is the rarest thing 332 00:19:03.400 --> 00:19:06.839 that has ever occurred in human history, even though this 333 00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:12.440 mythology is a goal for so many people. So I 334 00:19:12.519 --> 00:19:14.839 want us to throw out a notion of traditional and 335 00:19:14.839 --> 00:19:18.160 tell you that that's actually a more recent invention in 336 00:19:18.200 --> 00:19:21.759 the history of our species. Evolutionary psychologists would have called 337 00:19:21.839 --> 00:19:27.960 us cooperative breeders, meaning that we raised children in a village. 338 00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:31.319 We had uncles and aunties and cousins and sisters and 339 00:19:31.400 --> 00:19:35.319 brothers and friends helping us raise those kids. There was 340 00:19:35.559 --> 00:19:40.000 never huge pressure on one male and one female to 341 00:19:40.039 --> 00:19:42.519 sit alone in a house in the suburbs and raise 342 00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:46.400 two kids without the support of a village. So already 343 00:19:46.440 --> 00:19:51.000 you've set this relationship up for failure. Secondly, this idea 344 00:19:51.440 --> 00:19:53.680 that you're going to stay together till death due a 345 00:19:53.799 --> 00:19:58.799 part is crazy because our life expectancies have gotten longer 346 00:19:58.839 --> 00:20:01.759 and longer and longer, and even the most monogamous of 347 00:20:01.839 --> 00:20:04.319 humans are going to find that they will have two 348 00:20:04.519 --> 00:20:07.400 or three long stance of monogamy in their life. Hopefully 349 00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:09.880 they can stay together long enough to raise some kids 350 00:20:10.279 --> 00:20:13.279 and then the traditional gender role thing. While it is 351 00:20:13.319 --> 00:20:15.160 great for many women to stay home and take care 352 00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:17.799 of kids, I hope you have a good prenuptial agreement. 353 00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:20.400 I hope you have a good marital contract because there's 354 00:20:20.440 --> 00:20:23.720 no job security in that, there's no retirement plan in that. 355 00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:26.119 So you've got to figure out a way that after 356 00:20:26.160 --> 00:20:29.920 the kids are raised, you're going to be able to survive. 357 00:20:30.759 --> 00:20:33.920 Not guaranteed that you're going to divorce, but fifty percent 358 00:20:33.960 --> 00:20:38.960 of you will. Right, marriages are highly, highly fragile. So 359 00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:42.880 your question, do you think traditional marriage and kids can 360 00:20:42.920 --> 00:20:45.839 be attained in twenty twenty five? Let's throw out the 361 00:20:45.839 --> 00:20:47.799 word traditional because it can mean so many different things. 362 00:20:47.839 --> 00:20:52.119 There's so many different people. Do I think two young 363 00:20:52.160 --> 00:20:56.119 people can make an intellectual commitment to each other after 364 00:20:56.240 --> 00:21:00.119 feeling some level of attraction and love and choose to 365 00:20:59.880 --> 00:21:04.759 stay in it until those kids are eighteen? Absolutely? Absolutely? 366 00:21:05.519 --> 00:21:09.240 Will this person be your soulmate? Will this person be 367 00:21:09.319 --> 00:21:13.599 glued to you until you die? Maybe? But probably not, 368 00:21:14.359 --> 00:21:18.559 And that's okay, that's just how life is. So I 369 00:21:18.599 --> 00:21:21.720 think what we need to do is analyze what our 370 00:21:21.839 --> 00:21:27.839 idea of tradition is, right, Dear doctor Wendy, what are 371 00:21:27.880 --> 00:21:30.119 your thoughts on dating outside of your race? What are 372 00:21:30.119 --> 00:21:32.799 the biggest barriers? Well, I think race is not really 373 00:21:32.839 --> 00:21:37.200 the question. It is cultural, right, If it's a different religion, 374 00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:40.359 if the families have different cultural systems, then it's a 375 00:21:40.359 --> 00:21:43.640 great opportunity if you're an open person to learn about 376 00:21:43.680 --> 00:21:47.480 their culture. Skin color doesn't matter, right, That totally doesn't matter. 377 00:21:47.799 --> 00:21:51.920 It's what customs and values a particular family has, and 378 00:21:51.960 --> 00:21:54.400 that's what you want to explore together. You may know 379 00:21:54.480 --> 00:21:57.359 that my kids are multiracial and it seems to be 380 00:21:57.440 --> 00:21:59.759 mostly a non issue. You can ask them. It's there, 381 00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:02.599 their issue, not mine. But a mom loves her kids 382 00:22:02.680 --> 00:22:05.279 like she loves her kids. Right, all right, finally we 383 00:22:05.279 --> 00:22:08.240 have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy, My partner 384 00:22:08.279 --> 00:22:11.200 never says I love you first? Should I be worried? 385 00:22:14.319 --> 00:22:17.119 Dudes usually don't. Okay, I'm thinking about it. How often 386 00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:19.640 does Julio say I love you first? Probably? 387 00:22:19.640 --> 00:22:19.799 Never? 388 00:22:19.839 --> 00:22:23.240 But do I care? No? Our relationship is secure. How 389 00:22:23.240 --> 00:22:26.519 about this? Why not have a conversation with him where 390 00:22:26.559 --> 00:22:31.519 you say I notice that you never say I love 391 00:22:31.559 --> 00:22:33.880 you first, or it feels like you don't remember because 392 00:22:33.880 --> 00:22:36.359 he might sometimes and you're not recording it. It feels 393 00:22:36.359 --> 00:22:38.519 like you don't say I love you first very much 394 00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:41.799 and for some reason that makes me feel a little 395 00:22:41.799 --> 00:22:46.799 bit insecure. Could you try saying it first sometimes? Or 396 00:22:47.000 --> 00:22:49.119 can you say or do something to help me feel 397 00:22:49.160 --> 00:22:51.160 more secure? I'm sorry, this is the way I am. Okay, 398 00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:53.880 could we do that? That's all the conversation you have 399 00:22:53.960 --> 00:22:57.640 to have. Just get clarity. Okay, you can do this 400 00:22:58.200 --> 00:23:02.279 all right? When we come back. Do you think that 401 00:23:02.400 --> 00:23:06.720