Speaker 1: This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio App. We're talking about what couples really fight about,
Speaker 1: the three c's that underlie every single argument. First up
Speaker 1: was care. People are really asking to just be cared
Speaker 1: for all. The second is credit, Just acknowledge them, show gratitude,
Speaker 1: give credit where credit is due. And finally there's control.
Speaker 1: Now this is a tricky one because control is annoying.
Speaker 1: It shows up as micromanaging, bossy behavior, or one partner
Speaker 1: keeping score, and underneath it all is anxiety. Maybe that
Speaker 1: partner feels powerless in some area of life. Maybe the
Speaker 1: relationship is the one space where they try to regain control.
Speaker 1: So here's the important part. Instead stead of labeling it
Speaker 1: as controlling behavior, I want you to try to look
Speaker 1: a little deeper and ask yourself why are they micromanaging?
Speaker 1: What are they afraid of losing? Here and often that
Speaker 1: need for control is a cry for stability, certainty, or fairness,
Speaker 1: right So at the end of the day, no matter
Speaker 1: what you're arguing about, I want you to ask yourself
Speaker 1: and really ask your partner your partner's upset about any small,
Speaker 1: silly thing. Instead of criticizing them and saying you're making
Speaker 1: a mountain out of a mole hill, what's this really about?
Speaker 1: I want you to say what do you need from
Speaker 1: me right now? And use that tone of voice, not okay, fine,
Speaker 1: what do you need? No? No, no, no no, how
Speaker 1: can I help you right now? Honey? What do you
Speaker 1: need right now? This cuts through the noise, It shifts
Speaker 1: the conversation from blame to vulnerability, and when both partners
Speaker 1: can finally learn how to spot that there's a need
Speaker 1: for care, credit, or control, they can stop fighting over
Speaker 1: the content and start addressing the connection. Remember, the goal
Speaker 1: of having a healthy relationship isn't to avoid conflict. Okay,
Speaker 1: conflict is good and it's healthy, and intimacy as good
Speaker 1: is to have healthy repair. Right, So after the yelling
Speaker 1: and the bickering, it's time to say, I love you,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, how can I help you? What do you
Speaker 1: need right So the next time you hear your partner
Speaker 1: say you always leave your dishes in the sink. I
Speaker 1: want you to take a deep breath, and I want
Speaker 1: you to ask yourself. Are they asking me to care?
Speaker 1: Are they asking me to appreciate them? Or are they
Speaker 1: asking me to help them control the chaos, the mess
Speaker 1: in the kitchen? Right, think about care, credit and control.
Speaker 1: Write that down, care, credit and control. All right, let's
Speaker 1: move along. I was reading this article. I can't remember
Speaker 1: where it was written by doctor Mark Travers, a psychologist
Speaker 1: who specializes in the research on relationships. He happens to
Speaker 1: hold degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder.
Speaker 1: Like I said, there's amazing relationship researchers around the world,
Speaker 1: and I love to report on their work. And he'd
Speaker 1: written an article saying that in all the healthy happy
Speaker 1: couples he studied that there are five things that couples
Speaker 1: do healthy happy couples do on the weekends. You ready
Speaker 1: for it? Five things? Yeah? You can keep scoreing this
Speaker 1: number one. This is the hard one. I know. They
Speaker 1: mostly put their phones away, right, A couple who spends
Speaker 1: a whole lot of time together, but they're always distracted
Speaker 1: by their texts. This is not good. Or if they're
Speaker 1: on emails or social media. This isn't a happy couple, right.
Speaker 1: It's interesting. I have a social media manager and she
Speaker 1: called me last week because you need to be on
Speaker 1: social media more. You need to be responding to people,
Speaker 1: you need to be put in comments, you need to
Speaker 1: answer the questions and blah blah blah. And I'm thinking,
Speaker 1: but I'm happy now. I have a life. Honestly, I
Speaker 1: care about you guys. I'll get back on social media more.
Speaker 1: But carving out one on one time without technology is
Speaker 1: so important to a happy, healthy relationship. And there's different
Speaker 1: times couples might do. It might be like during their
Speaker 1: morning coffee. So I'll tell you my favorite thing we do.
Speaker 1: So I'm actually on my phone at this time. But
Speaker 1: when we wake up in the morning, Julio actually needs
Speaker 1: more sleep than I do, which is rare. So I
Speaker 1: get up and I make myself my latte. I crawl
Speaker 1: back in bed, and I read sometimes on my phone,
Speaker 1: but I like to just touch toes and cuddle with
Speaker 1: him and wait for him to slowly wake up. And
Speaker 1: in a weird way, this is a connection. And when
Speaker 1: he wakes up, I obviously put my phone down and
Speaker 1: then we talk and say good morning and all that
Speaker 1: kind of stuff. So put your phones away on the weekends,
Speaker 1: all right. The other thing healthy couples do is they
Speaker 1: engage in parallel play. Now, if your parent you know
Speaker 1: what that is. Small children don't often engage with each
Speaker 1: other at the park, but they parallel play. They do
Speaker 1: what's fun for them right beside the other. They have
Speaker 1: company while they're doing what they like to do. So
Speaker 1: one of the things Julio likes to do on those
Speaker 1: mornings that he does get up early, is he likes
Speaker 1: to watch the Formula one races. So, and we were
Speaker 1: watching horse races the other day. Boy, that jockey with
Speaker 1: the pink hat. Did you watch that race? I don't
Speaker 1: even know what it was, but that horse was way
Speaker 1: at the back and he pushed down almost those other
Speaker 1: two almost fell down, and he won the race. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I sit there doing the things I like to do,
Speaker 1: whether it's reading, whether it's writing, whether it's you know,
Speaker 1: just sipping a cup of tea and daydreaming and thinking
Speaker 1: about my dreams. But I sit with him while he
Speaker 1: does what he likes. It's parallel play. Right. Sometimes I'll
Speaker 1: be gardening and he will, like we garden together at
Speaker 1: our farm, and he'll do the heavy labor. I'll do
Speaker 1: the light stuff. We come back together. He may tinker
Speaker 1: with his car in the garage and I may be
Speaker 1: gardening just outside the garage. But we're kind of parallel
Speaker 1: playing together. We know each other are there. It wouldn't
Speaker 1: be the same doing it alone without the person nearby,
Speaker 1: but we don't necessarily have to engage. The other thing
Speaker 1: healthy couples do is they create rituals together. We have
Speaker 1: silly rituals, like he's down the hall right now. He
Speaker 1: likes to come to work with me on Sundays. He
Speaker 1: brings his computer, he does his work. But we have
Speaker 1: a ritual of how we drive to work, what time
Speaker 1: we leave. We stop at Whole Foods, we get a snack,
Speaker 1: We do this whole thing. It's like our Sunday rituals.
Speaker 1: Some people go to church, he comes to work with me.
Speaker 1: So there you go. Create a weekend ritual. Number four
Speaker 1: couples make a sex schedule. Listen, this is not unromantic.
Speaker 1: Sex is never spontaneous. When you're in long term committed monogamy,
Speaker 1: don't expect it to just happen. You must talk about it.
Speaker 1: You must put it on the schedule, and the last
Speaker 1: one is healthy couples laugh on purpose. I'm not. I'm
Speaker 1: like a curmudgeon old Irish Catholic and he's a like
Speaker 1: giggily Dominican, and so he manages to make lightness and
Speaker 1: laughter out of so many things. Right. So, during the
Speaker 1: week I know you look for things to stress over,
Speaker 1: but on the weekends, I want you to take those
Speaker 1: glasses off and focus on what's funny about your life,
Speaker 1: what is joyful about your life? All right? When we
Speaker 1: come back, I am heading to my social media see December,
Speaker 1: my social media manager. You hear that, And I'm going
Speaker 1: to start answering some social media questions. If you'd like
Speaker 1: to send me a relationship question. Remember I'm not a therapist.
Speaker 1: I'm a psychology professor, but I've got lots of life wisdom.
Speaker 1: Send me a question a DM on Instagram at d
Speaker 1: R Wendy Walsh. I will keep your name anonymous and
Speaker 1: I'll be happy to answer it on air when we
Speaker 1: come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy wallsh Show
Speaker 1: on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to dot org Wendy Walsh on demand from
Speaker 2: KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 1: On that note, I do want to say you should
Speaker 1: download the iHeartRadio app. If you're listening to me on
Speaker 1: traditional AM radio, good for you. Yay your car still
Speaker 1: has it. Who knows what the future is about. Many
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Speaker 1: their headset. So what you can do is download the
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Speaker 1: and then there's a little button at the top called
Speaker 1: pre Set. If you click the preset button, then if
Speaker 1: you like, whenever you open the app, I will come
Speaker 1: up first and any shows that you missed, because after
Speaker 1: we go off air tonight and every Sunday night, producer
Speaker 1: Kayla takes each hour of the show and puts it
Speaker 1: up as a podcast called Doctor Wendy on Demand, So
Speaker 1: they're all there if you miss any if you want
Speaker 1: to go back, I think she puts a little description
Speaker 1: there you can scroll, et cetera. So you should be
Speaker 1: following me on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: All right.
Speaker 1: With that said, this is the time of the show
Speaker 1: where I answer your relationship questions that you sent to
Speaker 1: me on social media. If you would like to send
Speaker 1: me a question. The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 1: That's at Dr Wendy Walsh. We mostly during the show
Speaker 1: check Instagram, but I'm on every social media find me
Speaker 1: wherever you are. So here we go scrolling in. Hey,
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy says this listener, my boyfriend did something that
Speaker 1: really hurt me. They cut me so deep. Ooh. He cheated,
Speaker 1: which is something I never thought he would do. While
Speaker 1: I can forgive him, I don't really want to sleep
Speaker 1: with him right now because I don't feel emotionally safe.
Speaker 1: How can I best describe this to him in a
Speaker 1: calm way? Well, first of all, I can understand why
Speaker 1: you don't want to have physical intimacy with him, because
Speaker 1: what you've lost is trust. And even though you say, well,
Speaker 1: I can forgive him, but I'm not ready yet, it
Speaker 1: means you're still in process. So I think the conversation
Speaker 1: shouldn't be about here's why I'm not having sex with you,
Speaker 1: and the conversation should more go like this, you know,
Speaker 1: what happened between us has caused a breach in our trust,
Speaker 1: and I don't know how to trust you again. I
Speaker 1: don't know how long it'll take to be able to
Speaker 1: trust you. So what can we do to fix this?
Speaker 1: How can we fix this? How can you earn your
Speaker 1: trust back? Now? If he tries this get over at
Speaker 1: babes nonsense, then you shouldn't be with him. Is a
Speaker 1: guy who's going to continue to hurt you? Right? If
Speaker 1: he instead says I know how you feel, Let's take
Speaker 1: some time, let's build it up again. I'm sorry, and
Speaker 1: he shows real remorse, then you're on the way to
Speaker 1: building trust again. But if he's like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: that's up to you. You have to figure out a way, then,
Speaker 1: you know what, maybe you shouldn't be with this person.
Speaker 1: I always say the best predictor of somebody's future behavior
Speaker 1: is their past behavior. I know, I know some people
Speaker 1: say it's not true. Once a cheater, always a cheater, Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it mostly is. I'm just gonna say that I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Mostly is all right. I'm sorry, baby, that happened to you.
Speaker 1: I hope he gets his straight and you value yourself
Speaker 1: enough to leave. If he doesn't. All right, move it along,
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy, I expect my boyfriend to pay for everything,
Speaker 1: even though we are well beyond the courting phase. He
Speaker 1: seems to be under the impression that once we're a
Speaker 1: long term will be fifty to fifty. I will not.
Speaker 1: How do we get on the same page? Okay, first
Speaker 1: of all, is he a multi millionaire? And are you
Speaker 1: a student? So you can have that attitude. Okay, you're
Speaker 1: bettering yourself. He has lots of expendable income. But in
Speaker 1: today's times, Lady Jane, most women are more educated and
Speaker 1: make more money than most men. So what the conversation
Speaker 1: you need to have is about income and about a
Speaker 1: proportionate share of expenses. Right, if you are past the
Speaker 1: courting phase, you're in a long term relationship. I don't
Speaker 1: know where that long term begins in your mind, whether
Speaker 1: it's six months later, a year later, or whatever, but
Speaker 1: you need to have the conversation. I make this much,
Speaker 1: you make that much, You make twice as much as me.
Speaker 1: I think it's fair for you to pay twice this
Speaker 1: amount of time. Or I make twice as much as you,
Speaker 1: so maybe I should be contributing more. That's the conversation,
Speaker 1: not this. You see what happens. The problem with so
Speaker 1: many women is they hate patriarchy because it kept them
Speaker 1: from getting ahead and making money. But yet when it
Speaker 1: comes to their social lives, they keep patriarchy very firm
Speaker 1: in their head. He should pay right, and I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: should he pay one hundred percent of everything? Now? I
Speaker 1: think the most important thing is that you have communication.
Speaker 1: It's not that you need to be on the same page.
Speaker 1: And it sounds like you're asking me how do I
Speaker 1: get him to agree with me? But you need to
Speaker 1: come to an agreement that's a deeper understanding about psychology
Speaker 1: of money and also what it means to you in
Speaker 1: terms of care. When somebody pays one hundred percent, if
Speaker 1: they pay less, does that mean you feel less cared for?
Speaker 1: Are there other ways that he can show his care?
Speaker 1: For instance, I've said this many times. My husband loves
Speaker 1: to do dishes, my husband loves to do laundry. I
Speaker 1: say to people, he is worth his weight in gold.
Speaker 1: He's a gold mine walking into my house. There you go,
Speaker 1: all right, Dear doctor Wendy, Oh, it's a sex question.
Speaker 1: I never orgasm with both with my both my boyfriend
Speaker 1: both my boyfriends. Wait, you have two and I have
Speaker 1: so easily with others we've been together. I think she
Speaker 1: means with my boyfriend. I think the word both was
Speaker 1: supposed to be there. I never orgasm with my boyfriend,
Speaker 1: and I have so easily with others. We've been together
Speaker 1: nine months. Is this a sign we aren't compatible? Well?
Speaker 1: I would you know if you were to go see
Speaker 1: a sex therapist. A sex therapist would probably say something like,
Speaker 1: you need to have communication about your sexual needs. I also,
Speaker 1: as a woman, just want to tell you that orgasm
Speaker 1: takes place in our heads. It doesn't mean it's in
Speaker 1: our imagination. It means that we have to have an
Speaker 1: active fantasy life, especially in long term monogamy. So what
Speaker 1: are you picturing in your head? Is your head working
Speaker 1: through it? I don't know there's something that's stalling in you. Anyway.
Speaker 1: A sex therapist, if you go see one, could probably
Speaker 1: help you, guys, figure this out, and you could also
Speaker 1: have a conversation about it and maybe express your needs
Speaker 1: and what you like. Just say it, Uh okay, Dear
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy, other of my children says, the only way
Speaker 1: we could be together and be a family is if
Speaker 1: I take him off child support? Should I? No, no, no,
Speaker 1: I don't know anything else to say. No. So wait,
Speaker 1: he's saying that if you make sure that he doesn't
Speaker 1: have to pay child support, he'll live with you, pretend
Speaker 1: to be your husband and not contribute anything. You're gonna
Speaker 1: wait on his kindness and goodness to maybe contribute. No, No,
Speaker 1: I think what you need to say to him is,
Speaker 1: how about we work out an agreement, a post nuptial, prenuptial, whatever,
Speaker 1: a living agreement that says how much you'll contribute to
Speaker 1: the household, and then I'll take you off child support
Speaker 1: and sign that with a witness and maybe an attorney.
Speaker 1: You got sounds like this guy needs to have legally
Speaker 1: bounding parenthood in order for him to parent. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: don't do it. Don't do it? All right? When we
Speaker 1: come back a question about texting, hmm, I've got some
Speaker 1: thoughts on that. You are listening to the Dr Andy
Speaker 1: Waalsh Show and KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty Oh.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Dr Wendy wallsh Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I
Speaker 1: am answering your direct messages from Instagram. If you're on Instagram,
Speaker 1: send me a DM. I will keep your identity a
Speaker 1: secret anonymous. Uh, you just send it to at Dr
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, and if I
Speaker 1: don't get to it this week, we'll get to it
Speaker 1: next week. You know, producer k that pulls him out. Okay.
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy, what are your thoughts on texting? First?
Speaker 1: Is it a man's responsibility, does it matter? Is it
Speaker 1: all a game? Or is he not interested? This is
Speaker 1: an excellent question. I have very serious answers to this,
Speaker 1: and I know you're thinking that she's going to say
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. It matters. So at a basic biological level,
Speaker 1: sperm chases egg, not the reverse. An egg sits there
Speaker 1: waiting to take applications or answer texts, and at the
Speaker 1: same time, human beings value what they have to work for.
Speaker 1: In your case, the work is in waiting, and while
Speaker 1: you're waiting, you're liking a more because it's bothering you
Speaker 1: that he's not texting back or at all. Right, it
Speaker 1: ops his value in your eyes. So you know how
Speaker 1: you will lose value by texting first and making it easy. Yes,
Speaker 1: at the very beginning of relationship, a guy should always
Speaker 1: text first. And if he doesn't, I'm sorry, baby girl,
Speaker 1: he is not interested. You've got to move along. Does
Speaker 1: it matter, Yes, it matters. Is it all a game.
Speaker 1: It's a strategy, not a game. Look, you're on this
Speaker 1: planet because your mother, your grandmother, your great grandmother had
Speaker 1: great female mating strategies. So you got to have the
Speaker 1: same strategy. And the strategy is walk away from a
Speaker 1: dude who's non responsive if he's not texting you. That's
Speaker 1: all you need to know. You don't need closure, you
Speaker 1: don't need evidence. Just go away, Just forget them, lock them,
Speaker 1: ghost them, godbye, go go go. All right, dear doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: do you think traditional marriage and children can be attained
Speaker 1: in twenty twenty five? Ooh, that is a loaded question.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about what traditional means. So some people believe
Speaker 1: that traditional means that one heterosexual man and one heterosexual
Speaker 1: woman meet in early life in their twenties, perhaps get married,
Speaker 1: have Maybe it means traditional gender roles where the woman
Speaker 1: stays home and cares for the home and children. The
Speaker 1: man is the financial supporter, and they stay together until
Speaker 1: two deaths to us part. This is the rarest thing
Speaker 1: that has ever occurred in human history, even though this
Speaker 1: mythology is a goal for so many people. So I
Speaker 1: want us to throw out a notion of traditional and
Speaker 1: tell you that that's actually a more recent invention in
Speaker 1: the history of our species. Evolutionary psychologists would have called
Speaker 1: us cooperative breeders, meaning that we raised children in a village.
Speaker 1: We had uncles and aunties and cousins and sisters and
Speaker 1: brothers and friends helping us raise those kids. There was
Speaker 1: never huge pressure on one male and one female to
Speaker 1: sit alone in a house in the suburbs and raise
Speaker 1: two kids without the support of a village. So already
Speaker 1: you've set this relationship up for failure. Secondly, this idea
Speaker 1: that you're going to stay together till death due a
Speaker 1: part is crazy because our life expectancies have gotten longer
Speaker 1: and longer and longer, and even the most monogamous of
Speaker 1: humans are going to find that they will have two
Speaker 1: or three long stance of monogamy in their life. Hopefully
Speaker 1: they can stay together long enough to raise some kids
Speaker 1: and then the traditional gender role thing. While it is
Speaker 1: great for many women to stay home and take care
Speaker 1: of kids, I hope you have a good prenuptial agreement.
Speaker 1: I hope you have a good marital contract because there's
Speaker 1: no job security in that, there's no retirement plan in that.
Speaker 1: So you've got to figure out a way that after
Speaker 1: the kids are raised, you're going to be able to survive.
Speaker 1: Not guaranteed that you're going to divorce, but fifty percent
Speaker 1: of you will. Right, marriages are highly, highly fragile. So
Speaker 1: your question, do you think traditional marriage and kids can
Speaker 1: be attained in twenty twenty five? Let's throw out the
Speaker 1: word traditional because it can mean so many different things.
Speaker 1: There's so many different people. Do I think two young
Speaker 1: people can make an intellectual commitment to each other after
Speaker 1: feeling some level of attraction and love and choose to
Speaker 1: stay in it until those kids are eighteen? Absolutely? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: Will this person be your soulmate? Will this person be
Speaker 1: glued to you until you die? Maybe? But probably not,
Speaker 1: And that's okay, that's just how life is. So I
Speaker 1: think what we need to do is analyze what our
Speaker 1: idea of tradition is, right, Dear doctor Wendy, what are
Speaker 1: your thoughts on dating outside of your race? What are
Speaker 1: the biggest barriers? Well, I think race is not really
Speaker 1: the question. It is cultural, right, If it's a different religion,
Speaker 1: if the families have different cultural systems, then it's a
Speaker 1: great opportunity if you're an open person to learn about
Speaker 1: their culture. Skin color doesn't matter, right, That totally doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: It's what customs and values a particular family has, and
Speaker 1: that's what you want to explore together. You may know
Speaker 1: that my kids are multiracial and it seems to be
Speaker 1: mostly a non issue. You can ask them. It's there,
Speaker 1: their issue, not mine. But a mom loves her kids
Speaker 1: like she loves her kids. Right, all right, finally we
Speaker 1: have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy, My partner
Speaker 1: never says I love you first? Should I be worried?
Speaker 1: Dudes usually don't. Okay, I'm thinking about it. How often
Speaker 1: does Julio say I love you first? Probably?
Speaker 2: Never?
Speaker 1: But do I care? No? Our relationship is secure. How
Speaker 1: about this? Why not have a conversation with him where
Speaker 1: you say I notice that you never say I love
Speaker 1: you first, or it feels like you don't remember because
Speaker 1: he might sometimes and you're not recording it. It feels
Speaker 1: like you don't say I love you first very much
Speaker 1: and for some reason that makes me feel a little
Speaker 1: bit insecure. Could you try saying it first sometimes? Or
Speaker 1: can you say or do something to help me feel
Speaker 1: more secure? I'm sorry, this is the way I am. Okay,
Speaker 1: could we do that? That's all the conversation you have
Speaker 1: to have. Just get clarity. Okay, you can do this
Speaker 1: all right? When we come back. Do you think that
Speaker 1: you are most sexy right before the bar closes? And
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about how much you've had to drink.
Speaker 1: I mean it's the time of night. Can you believe
Speaker 1: somebody puts some research money into a study on this
Speaker 1: And there's an answer, a new study called beauty is
Speaker 1: in the eye of the beer holder, but rarely because
Speaker 1: of the beer. Can't wait to talk about this when
Speaker 1: we come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall
Speaker 1: Show and KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1: Back to the Dr Wendywall Show and KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. We are in
Speaker 1: the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. I
Speaker 1: want to remind you I'm always here every Sunday from
Speaker 1: seven to nine pm. It is my pleasure. I've been
Speaker 1: here for more than a decade. I continue to read
Speaker 1: about the science of love and put the lessons into
Speaker 1: practice in my own life and share them with you.
Speaker 1: If you miss any part of the show, you can
Speaker 1: always find it later on the iHeartRadio app. And you're
Speaker 1: always welcome to follow me on social media. So this
Speaker 1: quirky study I came across so hysterical. The studies called
Speaker 1: beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, but
Speaker 1: rarely because of the beer. Uh huh. What it showed
Speaker 1: is that bar patrons say that they feel more attractive
Speaker 1: right before the bar closes, no matter how much they've
Speaker 1: had to drink. Okay, So, prior to this, other psychology
Speaker 1: researchers previously documented something called the closing time effect, a
Speaker 1: phenomenon where people at bars rate other people as more
Speaker 1: attractive the closer to closing time. This makes a lot
Speaker 1: of sense, right. The theory is that as the night
Speaker 1: goes on, companion options dwindle. People go home they go
Speaker 1: home with each other, they pair out, and it causes
Speaker 1: people to unconsciously get a little fomo. They perceive potential
Speaker 1: companions as more attractive because there are fewer of them,
Speaker 1: so they have less p paradox of choice, a little
Speaker 1: fear of missing out. If I don't find somebody tonight,
Speaker 1: it might be never. So they don't want to have
Speaker 1: to go home alone, and so they find far more
Speaker 1: people attractive when it's close to quitting time, at last call. Right.
Speaker 1: So this new study was kind of the opposite. These
Speaker 1: researchers was done were done on This research was done
Speaker 1: on people enjoying a night out at a Danish bar
Speaker 1: in Denmark. I love the Danes. They do these kinds
Speaker 1: of studies. So over the course of a few nights,
Speaker 1: they interviewed a total of four hundred and seventy five
Speaker 1: people in a bar who filled out surveys and they
Speaker 1: asked them several questions, and some of the questions included
Speaker 1: things like how much alcohol did you have tonight? How
Speaker 1: drunk do you feel? Then they were asked to rate
Speaker 1: their own attractiveness on a scale from one to seven. Now,
Speaker 1: these researchers visited the bar in the afternoon, the evening,
Speaker 1: and again late at night. And it was found people
Speaker 1: who attended the bar at night rated themselves more attractive
Speaker 1: than the early evening patrons or the afternoon patrons. In
Speaker 1: other words, night patrons perceived themselves as more attractive regardless
Speaker 1: of how much they drank or how drunk they felt. Okay, now,
Speaker 1: there also were some sex differences. Surprise surprise the effect
Speaker 1: if you would think that this should only work for
Speaker 1: single people. First of all, right, that only single people
Speaker 1: would be the ones going yeah, I'm pretty hot right
Speaker 1: near the end. And what they found is that single
Speaker 1: women definitely felt more attractive than married women, but relationship
Speaker 1: status did not affect closing time effect among men. That
Speaker 1: means all men felt sexy at night, married or not
Speaker 1: always open for a tryst. I say so. The researchers
Speaker 1: say this follows right along the lines of sexual strategies theory,
Speaker 1: which says that men and women embrace different sexual strategies
Speaker 1: when it comes to short term mating. Evolutionary psychologists believe
Speaker 1: that women are more motivated to search for invested partners
Speaker 1: who will care for their offspring. Men are more motivated
Speaker 1: to attract many potential partners plant that seed, spray it everywhere. Okay,
Speaker 1: I want to say something about this study. First of all,
Speaker 1: there are some things that could have impacted this. They
Speaker 1: didn't do all three surveys on a different time of
Speaker 1: the night. They did it at lunch, they did it
Speaker 1: at happy hour, and they did it at late night
Speaker 1: for the bargoers. But what about doing it like at
Speaker 1: eight pm and then ten pm and then one am.
Speaker 1: They didn't do that, So how can they say it
Speaker 1: has to do with closing time. It may just have
Speaker 1: to do that. When you go out at night, you
Speaker 1: feel more attractive. And you know why you feel more
Speaker 1: attractive at night? The light is better. Listen, every woman
Speaker 1: out there knows this. We all look better after the
Speaker 1: sun goes down. We're like vampires. Some of us don't
Speaker 1: come out until the sun cost it down. Right, People
Speaker 1: look better at night also because they dress up. It's
Speaker 1: not like if you see the lunchtime crowd, they're in
Speaker 1: their work garb. Whatever. Of course they're gonna say, now,
Speaker 1: I don't feel so attractive right now, I'm in work mode.
Speaker 1: And maybe even the happy hour people, Oh I just
Speaker 1: came from work. I don't feel so great right But
Speaker 1: if you're going out on the town at night. You
Speaker 1: dress up, you put on your high heels. You dudes
Speaker 1: look great. You took a shower, you're all shaved, got
Speaker 1: your edges done. You know, you dress up and the
Speaker 1: lighting is way better. So of course people are going
Speaker 1: to feel more attractive to themselves at night. There's also
Speaker 1: other research to show that night owls, those people that
Speaker 1: stay up late, tend to have more narcissistic traits. Oh
Speaker 1: just saying this is a little bit of a correlation
Speaker 1: between that night owls and narcissistic traits. WHOA. Anyway, maybe
Speaker 1: we all do feel cute or as the night goes on,
Speaker 1: and maybe it doesn't have to do with how much
Speaker 1: we're drinking. Hey, that brings the Doctor Wendy wallsh show
Speaker 1: to a close. As I said earlier, if you have
Speaker 1: missed any part of the show, easyps you just download
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app. You search Doctor Wendy Walsh and you
Speaker 1: click on a little button called preset. That means every
Speaker 1: time you open the app, I come up first. But
Speaker 1: about I don't know. An hour after the show. I
Speaker 1: think producer Kayla puts every show on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: As a doctor Wendy on demand, so you need to
Speaker 1: go on there and get an If you missed any
Speaker 1: part of the show, just go on listen to it.
Speaker 1: It's always a treat. Also during the week, if you
Speaker 1: want to follow me on social media and send me
Speaker 1: any relationship questions as DMS, You're welcome to follow me
Speaker 1: at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. I've been
Speaker 1: looking at Instagram a lot lately and I'm happy to
Speaker 1: answer your relationships. But I'm always here for you every
Speaker 1: Sunday on KFI. Thanks for being with me. You've been
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been
Speaker 1: listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us
Speaker 1: live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine
Speaker 1: pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.