Speaker 1: The Errors of Santa Claus by Stephen Leacock. It was
Christmas Eve. The Rounds, who lived in the adjoining house
had been dining with the Joneses. Brown and Jones were
sitting over wine and walnuts at the table. The others
had gone upstairs. What are you giving to your boy
for Christmas? Asked Brown? A train, said Jones. New kind
o thing automatic. Let's have a look at it, said Brown.
Jones fetched a parcel from the sideboard and began unwrapping it.
Ingenious thing, isn't it, he said, goes on its own rails. Queer,
How kids loved to play with trains, isn't it? Yes,
assented Brown? How are the rails fixed? Wait, I'll show you,
said Jones. Just help me to shove these dinner things
aside and roll back the cloth. There. See you lay
the rails like that and fastened them at the end.
So oh, yes, I catch on. Makes a grade dust.
Isn't it? Just the thing to amuse a child, isn't it?
I got Willie a toy airplane. I know they're great.
I got Edwin one on his birthday, but I thought
i'd get him a train this time. I told him
Santa Claus was going to bring him something altogether new
this time. Edwin, of course, believes in Santa Claus. Absolutely.
Say look at this locomotive, would you. It has a
spring coiled up inside the firebox. Wind her up, said
Brown with great interest. Let's see her go all right,
said Jones. Just pile up two or three plates or
something to lean the end of the rails on there.
Notice the way it buzzes before it starts. Isn't that
a great thing for a kid? Eh? Yes, said Brown?
And say see this little string to pull the whistle
by gad it too, just like real now. Then Brown,
Jones went on, you hitch on those cars and I'll
start her. I'll be in half an hour later. Brown
and Jones were still playing trains on the dining room table,
but their wives upstairs in the drawing room hardly noticed
their absence. They were too much interested. Oh, I think
it's perfectly sweet, said missus Brown. Just the loveliest doll
I've seen in years. I must get one like it
for Ovina. Won't Clarice be perfectly enchanted, yes, answered missus Jones.
And then she'll have all the fun of arranging the dresses.
Children love that so much. Look, there are three little
dresses with the doll. Aren't they cute? All cut out
and ready to stitch together? Oh? How perfectly lovely, exclaimed
Missus Brown. I think the mauve one would suit the
doll best, don't you with such golden hair? Only, don't
you think it would make it much nicer to turn
back the collar so and to put a little band
a sow? What a good idea, said Missus Jones. Do
let's try it. Just wait, I'll get a needle in
a minute. I'll tell Clarice that Santa Claus sowed it himself.
The child believes in Santa Claus absolutely, And half an
hour later, Missus Jones and Missus Brown were so busy
stitching doll's clothes that they could not hear the roaring
of the little train up and down the dining table,
and had no idea what the four children were doing,
Nor did the children miss their mothers dandy, aren't they?
Edwin Jones was saying to little Willie Brown as they
sat in Edwin's bedroom. A hundred in a box with
cork tips and sea an amber mouthpiece that fits into
a little case at the side. Good present for dad.
Huh fine, said Willie appreciatively. I'm giving father cigars. I
know I thought of cigars too. Men always liked cigars
and cigarettes. You can't go wrong on them. Say would
you like to try one or two of these cigarettes?
We can take them from the bottom. You'll like them
their Russian way ahead of Egyptian, thanks, answered Willie. I'd
like one immensely. I only started smoking last spring, on
my twelfth birthday. I think a feller's a fool to
begin smoking cigarettes too soon, don't you it? Stunts him.
I waited till I was twelve. Me too, said Edwin,
as they lighted their cigarettes. In fact, I wouldn't buy
them now if it weren't for dad. I simply had
to give him something from Santa Claus. He believes in
Santa Claus absolutely, you know. And while this was going on,
Clarice was showing little Ovina the absolutely lovely little bridge
set that she got for her mother. Aren't these markers
perfectly charming? Said Olvina. And don't you love this little
Dutch design or is it Flemish? Darling Dutch? Said Clarice.
Isn't it quaint? And aren't these the dearest things for
putting the money in when you play. I needn't have
got them with it. They'd have sold the rest separately.
But I think it's too utterly slow playing without money,
don't you? Oh abominable, shuddered Olvina. But your mama never
plays for money, does she? Mamma, Oh gracious no, Mama's
far too slow for that. But I shall tell her
that Santa Claus insisted on putting in the little money boxes.
I suppose she believes in Santa Claus, just as my
mamma does. Oh, absolutely, said Clarice, and added, what if
we play a little game with a double dummy the
French way or Norwegian scat if you like? That only
needs two All right, agreed Olvina, and in a few
minutes they were deep in a game of cards, with
a little pile of pocket money beside them. About half
an hour later, all the members of the two families
were again in the drawing room, but of course nobody
said anything about the presence. In any case, they were
all too busy looking at the beautiful big bible with
maps in it, that the Joneses had brought to give
to grandfather. They all agreed that with the help of it,
Grandfather could hunt up any place in Palestine in a moment,
day or night. But upstairs, away, upstairs, in a sitting
room of his own, Grandfather Jones was looking with an
affectionate eye at the presence that stood beside him. There
was a beautiful whiskey decanter with silver filigree outside and
whiskey inside. For Jones, and for the little boy a
big nickel plated juice harp. Later on, far in the night,
the person, or the influence, or whatever it is called
Santa Claus, took all the presents and placed them in
the people's stockings, and being blind as he always has been,
he gave the wrong things to the wrong people. In fact,
he gave them just as indicated above. But the next day,
in the course of Christmas morning, the situation straightened itself out,
just as it always does. Indeed, by ten o'clock, Brown
and Jones were playing with the train, and Missus Brown
and Missus Jones were making dolls clothes, and the boys
were smoking cigarettes, and Clarice and Olvina were playing cards
for their pocket money. And upstairs, away up Grandfather was
drinking whiskey and playing the Jews harp, and so Christmas,
just as it always does, turned out all right after all.
End of the Errors of Santa Claus by Stephen Leecock