Speaker 1: Section twenty three of Amusement Only. This is a LibriVox recording.
Speaker 1: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
Speaker 1: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Recording
Speaker 1: by Stephan Kinford. Amusement Only by Richard marsh An Old
Speaker 1: Fashioned Christmas, Chapter one. The promise an old fashioned Christmas.
Speaker 1: A lively family will accept a gentleman as paying guests
Speaker 1: to join them in spending an old fashioned Christmas in
Speaker 1: the heart of the country. That was the advertisement. It
Speaker 1: had its points. I was not sure what in this
Speaker 1: case an old fashioned Christmas might happen to me. I
Speaker 1: imagine there were several kinds of old fashioned Christmases, but
Speaker 1: it could hardly be worse than a chop in my chambers,
Speaker 1: or horror of horrors at the club, or my cousin
Speaker 1: Lucy's notion of what she calls the festive season. Festive. Yes,
Speaker 1: she and her husband, who suffers from melancholy, and all
Speaker 1: the other complaints which flesh is heir to, and I
Speaker 1: dragging through what I call patent medicine dinner and talking
Speaker 1: of everybody who is dead and gone or else going,
Speaker 1: and of nothing else. So I wrote to the advertiser.
Speaker 1: The reply was written in a sprawling feminine hand. It
Speaker 1: was a little vague. It appeared that the terms would
Speaker 1: be five guineas, but there was no mention of the
Speaker 1: length of time which that fee would cover. I might
Speaker 1: arrive it seemed on Christmas Eve, but there was no
Speaker 1: hint as to when I was to go. If Ever,
Speaker 1: the whole thing was a trifle odd. There was nothing
Speaker 1: said about the sort of accommodation which would be provided,
Speaker 1: nothing about the kind of establishment which was maintained, or
Speaker 1: the table which was kept. No references were offered or
Speaker 1: asked for. It was merely stated that we're a very
Speaker 1: lively family, and that if you're lively yourself, you'll get
Speaker 1: on uncommonly well. The letter was signed Madge Wilson. Now
Speaker 1: it is a remarkable thing that I have always had
Speaker 1: an extraordinary predilection for the name Madge. I do not
Speaker 1: know why I have never known a Madge, and yet
Speaker 1: from my boyhood upward I have desired to meet one.
Speaker 1: Here was an opportunity offered. She was apparently the careworn
Speaker 1: mother of a lively family. Under such circumstances, she was
Speaker 1: hardly likely to be lively herself, but her name was Madge,
Speaker 1: and it was the accident of her Christian name which
Speaker 1: decided me to go. I had no illusions, no doubt
Speaker 1: the five Guineas were badly wanted. Even a lively family
Speaker 1: would be hardly likely to advertise for a perfect stranger
Speaker 1: to spend Christmas with them if they were not. I
Speaker 1: did not expect a princely entertainment. Still, I felt that
Speaker 1: it could hardly be worse than a chop or cousin Lucy,
Speaker 1: the subjects of her conversation I never cared about when
Speaker 1: they were alive, and I certainly do not want to
Speaker 1: talk about them now they are dead. As for the
Speaker 1: pills and drops with which her husband doses himself between
Speaker 1: the courses, it makes me ill even to think of them.
Speaker 1: On Christmas Eve, the weather was abominable all night. It
Speaker 1: had been blowing and raining in the morning. It began
Speaker 1: to freeze by the time, and the streets were like
Speaker 1: so many skating rinks that commenced to snow, and it
Speaker 1: kept on snowing. That turned out to be quite a
Speaker 1: record in the way of snowstorms, hardly the sort of
Speaker 1: weather to start for an unknown destination in the heart
Speaker 1: of the country. But at the last moment I did
Speaker 1: not like to back out. I said I would go,
Speaker 1: and I meant to go. I had been idiot enough
Speaker 1: to load myself with a lot of Christmas presents without
Speaker 1: the faintest notion. Why I had not given a Christmas
Speaker 1: present for years There had been no one to give
Speaker 1: them to. Lucy cannot bear such trifling, and her husband's
Speaker 1: only notion of a present at any time was a
Speaker 1: gallant jar of somebody's stomach stir. I am no dealer
Speaker 1: in poisons. I knew nothing of the people I was
Speaker 1: going to. The youngest member of the family might be twenty,
Speaker 1: or the oldest ten. No doubt that things I bought
Speaker 1: would be laughed at. Probably I should never venture to
Speaker 1: offer them. Still, if you have not tried your hand
Speaker 1: at that kind of thing for ever so long, the
Speaker 1: mere act of purchasing is a pleasure. That is a fact.
Speaker 1: I had never enjoyed shopping so much since I was
Speaker 1: a boy. I felt quite lively myself as I mingled
Speaker 1: with the Christmas crowd, looking for things which might not
Speaker 1: turn out to be absolutely preposterous. I even bought something
Speaker 1: from Madge, I mean, missus Wilson. Of course, I knew
Speaker 1: that I had no right to do anything of the kind,
Speaker 1: and was aware that the chances were a hundred to
Speaker 1: one against my ever presuming to hint at its existence,
Speaker 1: was actually as enough to buy something for her husband,
Speaker 1: two things, indeed alternatives, as it were a boxes of
Speaker 1: gars if he turned out to be a smoker in
Speaker 1: a case of whiskey if he didn't. I hoped to
Speaker 1: goodness that he would not prove to be a hypochondriac
Speaker 1: like Lucy's husband. I would not give him pills. What
Speaker 1: the Lively family would think of a perfect stranger arriving
Speaker 1: burdened with rubbish, as if he had known them all
Speaker 1: their lives, I did not dare to think, no doubt
Speaker 1: they would set him down as a lunar right away.
Speaker 1: It was a horrible journey. The trains were late and
Speaker 1: of course overcrowded. There was enough luggage in our compartment
Speaker 1: to have filled it, and still there was one more
Speaker 1: passenger than there ought to have been, an ill conditioned
Speaker 1: old fellow who wanted my hat box put into the
Speaker 1: van because it happened to tumble off the rack onto
Speaker 1: his head. I pointed out to him that the rack
Speaker 1: was specially constructed for light luggage, that a hat box
Speaker 1: was light luggage, and that if the train jolted, he
Speaker 1: ought to blame the company, not me. He was impervious
Speaker 1: to reason. His wrangling and jangling so upset me that
Speaker 1: I went past the station at which I ought to
Speaker 1: have changed. Then I had to wait three quarters of
Speaker 1: an hour for a train to take me back again,
Speaker 1: only to find that I had missed the one I
Speaker 1: intended to catch. So I had to cool my heels
Speaker 1: for two hours and a half in a wretched cow
Speaker 1: shed amidst a bitter, whirling snowstorm. It is some satisfaction
Speaker 1: for me to be able to reflect that I may
Speaker 1: made it warm for the officials, however cold I might
Speaker 1: have been myself. When the train did start, some forty
Speaker 1: minutes after scheduled time, it jolted along in a laborious
Speaker 1: fashion at the rate of about six miles an hour,
Speaker 1: stopping at every roadside hovel. I counted seven in a
Speaker 1: distance I am convinced of less than twenty miles when
Speaker 1: at last I reached crofton my journey's end, it turned
Speaker 1: out that the station staff consisted of a half witted
Speaker 1: individual who was station master, porter and clerk combined, and
Speaker 1: a hulking lad who did whatever else there was to do.
Speaker 1: No one had come to meet me. The village was
Speaker 1: about half a mile and Hanger Dean, the house for
Speaker 1: which my steps were bent, about four miles by the road.
Speaker 1: How far it was across plowed fields. My informant did
Speaker 1: not mention there was a trap at the boy and blunderbuss,
Speaker 1: but that required FETCHI. Finally the hulking lad was dispatched.
Speaker 1: It took him some time, considering the distance was only
Speaker 1: about a half a mile. When the trap did appear,
Speaker 1: it looked to me uncommonly like an open spring cart.
Speaker 1: In it, I was deposited with my luggage. The snow
Speaker 1: was still descending in whirling clouds. Never shall I forget
Speaker 1: the drive in that miserable cart through the storm in
Speaker 1: those pitch black country lanes. We had been jogging along
Speaker 1: some time before the driver opened his mouth. Be you
Speaker 1: going to stop with a Wilson's I am ah? There
Speaker 1: was something in the tone of his eh which wetted
Speaker 1: my curiosity. Near the end of my tether, though, I
Speaker 1: was why do you ask? It? Be about time? As
Speaker 1: someone were to stay with them as were a bit
Speaker 1: capable like. I did not know what he meant. I
Speaker 1: did not ask. I was beyond it. I was chilled
Speaker 1: to the bone, wet, tired, hungry. I had long been
Speaker 1: wishing that an old fashioned Christmas had been completely extinct,
Speaker 1: before I had thought of adventuring in quest of one
Speaker 1: better cousin Lucy's notion of the festive season. We passed
Speaker 1: through a gate which I had to get down to open,
Speaker 1: along some sort of avenue. Suddenly the cart pulled up.
Speaker 1: Here we be that might be so. It was a
Speaker 1: pity he did not add where here was? There was
Speaker 1: a great shadow, which possibly did duty for a house,
Speaker 1: But if so, there was not a light in any
Speaker 1: of the windows, and there was nothing visible in the
Speaker 1: shape of a door. The whereabouts of this, however, the
Speaker 1: driver presently made clear. There be the door in front
Speaker 1: of you. You go up three steps. If you can
Speaker 1: find 'em. There's a knocker, if none of them haven't
Speaker 1: twisted it off. If they have, there's a bell on
Speaker 1: your right, if it isn't broken. There appeared to be
Speaker 1: no knocker, though whether it had been twisted off was
Speaker 1: more than I could say. But there was a bell,
Speaker 1: which creaked with rust, though it was not broken. I
Speaker 1: heard a tinkle in the distance. No answer, though I
Speaker 1: allowed a more than decent interval. Better Ring again suggested
Speaker 1: the driver hard. Maybe they're up to some of their
Speaker 1: games and wants rousing. Was there a chuckle in the
Speaker 1: fellow's voice. I rang again and again with all the
Speaker 1: force I could. The bell reverberated through what seemed like
Speaker 1: an empty house. Is there no one in the place?
Speaker 1: They are there right enough? Where's another thing? Maybe on
Speaker 1: the roof or in the cellar? But if they know
Speaker 1: you're comin, perhaps they hear and don't choose to answer.
Speaker 1: Better Ring again, I sounded another peal. Presently, feet were
Speaker 1: heard advancing along the passage, several pairs, it seemed, and
Speaker 1: a light gleamed through the window over the door. A
Speaker 1: voice inquired, who's there, mister Christopher from London? The information
Speaker 1: was greeted with what sounded uncommonly like a chorus of laughter.
Speaker 1: There was a rush of retreating feet, an expostulating voice,
Speaker 1: then darkness again and silence. Who lives here? Are the people? Mad? Well? Thereabouts?
Speaker 1: Once more I suspected the driver of a chuckle. My
Speaker 1: temper was rising I had not come all that way
Speaker 1: and subjected myself to so much discomfort to be played
Speaker 1: tricks with. I told the bell again. After a few
Speaker 1: seconds interval, the pit pat of what was obviously one
Speaker 1: pair of feet came towards the door again. A light
Speaker 1: gleamed through the pane. A key was turned, a chain unfastened,
Speaker 1: bolts withdrawn. It seemed as if some one had to
Speaker 1: drag a chair forward before one of these ladder would
Speaker 1: be reached. After a vast amount of unfastening, the door
Speaker 1: was opened, and on the threshold there stood a girl
Speaker 1: with a lighted candle in her hand. The storm rushed in.
Speaker 1: She put up her hand to shield the light from danger.
Speaker 1: Can I see missus Wilson, I'm expected. I'm mister Christopher
Speaker 1: from London. Oh that was all she said. I looked
Speaker 1: at her, she at me. The driver's voice came from
Speaker 1: the background. I drove him over from the station. Miss
Speaker 1: There be a lot of luggage, he do say, he's
Speaker 1: come to stay with you, Is that you tidy? I'm
Speaker 1: afraid I can offer you nothing to drink. We've lost
Speaker 1: the key of the cellar and there's nothing out except water,
Speaker 1: and I don't think you'd care for that. I can't
Speaker 1: say rightly as how I should miss Next time we'll do.
Speaker 1: Be it all right? The girl continued to regard me.
Speaker 1: Perhaps you had better come inside. I think I had.
Speaker 1: I went inside. It was time. Have you any luggage?
Speaker 1: I admitted that I had. Perhaps it had better be
Speaker 1: brought in. Perhaps it had Do you think that you
Speaker 1: could manage tidy? The mayor? She'll stand still enough. I
Speaker 1: should think I could miss. End of chapter one of
Speaker 1: an Old Fashioned Christmas recording by Stephen Kinford, Sharon Township, Ohio.
Speaker 1: Section twenty four of Amusement Only. This is LibriVox recording.
Speaker 1: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
Speaker 1: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Recording
Speaker 1: by Stephan Kinford, Amusement Only by Richard marsh An Old
Speaker 1: Fashioned Christmas, Chapter two and the performance by degrees. My
Speaker 1: belongings were born into the hall, hidden under an envelope
Speaker 1: of snow. The girls seemed surprised at their number. The
Speaker 1: driver was paid, the cart disappeared, the door was shut.
Speaker 1: The girl and I were alone together. We didn't expect
Speaker 1: that you would come, not expect me, But it was
Speaker 1: all arranged. I wrote to say that I would come.
Speaker 1: Did you not receive my letter? We thought that you
Speaker 1: were joking, joking? Why should you imagine that we were joking?
Speaker 1: You were? Then I am to gather that I have
Speaker 1: been made the subject of a practical joke, and that
Speaker 1: I am an intruder here. Well, it's quite true that
Speaker 1: we did not think you were in earnest. You see,
Speaker 1: it's this way. We're alone alone. Who are we? Well?
Speaker 1: It will take a good while to explain, And you
Speaker 1: look tired and cold. I am both. Perhaps you're hungry,
Speaker 1: I am. I don't know what you can have to
Speaker 1: eat unless it's tomorrow's dinner. Tomorrow's dinner, I stared. Can
Speaker 1: I see Missus Wilson, Missus Wilson, that's Mama, she's dead.
Speaker 1: I beg your pardon. Can I see your father? Oh?
Speaker 1: Father's been dead for years? Than to whom have I
Speaker 1: the pleasure of speaking? I'm Madge, I'm mother. Now you
Speaker 1: are mother. Now. The trouble will be about where you
Speaker 1: are to sleep, unless it's with the boys. The rooms
Speaker 1: are all anyhow, and I'm sure I don't know where
Speaker 1: the beds are. I suppose there are servants in the house.
Speaker 1: She shook her head. No. The boys thought that they
Speaker 1: were nuisances, so we got rid of them. The last
Speaker 1: one went yesterday. She wouldn't do any work, so we
Speaker 1: thought she'd better go under the those circumstances. I think
Speaker 1: it probable that you were right, then, am I to
Speaker 1: understand that there are children? Rather? As she spoke, there
Speaker 1: came a burst of laughter from the other end of
Speaker 1: the passage. I spun round. No one was in sight.
Speaker 1: She explained, they're waiting round the corner. Perhaps we'd better
Speaker 1: have them here. You people, you'd better come and let
Speaker 1: me introduce you to mister Christopher. A procession began to
Speaker 1: appear from round the corner of boys and girls. In
Speaker 1: front was a girl of about sixteen. She advanced with
Speaker 1: outstretched hand and an air of self possession, which took
Speaker 1: me at a disadvantage. I'm Bessie. I'm sorry we kept
Speaker 1: you waiting at the door, But the fact is that
Speaker 1: we thought it was Eliza's brother who had come to
Speaker 1: insult us. Again, pray don't mention it. I am glad
Speaker 1: that it was not Eliza's brother, So am I he
Speaker 1: is a dreadful man. I shook hands with the rest
Speaker 1: of them, there were six more, four boys and two girls.
Speaker 1: They formed a considerable congregation as they stood eyeing me
Speaker 1: with inquiring glances. Madge was the first to speak. I
Speaker 1: wondered all along if he would take it as a
Speaker 1: joke or not, And you see he hasn't. I thought
Speaker 1: all the time that it was a risky thing to do.
Speaker 1: I like that you keep your thoughts to yourself. Then
Speaker 1: it was you proposed it. You said you'd been reading
Speaker 1: about something of the kind and a story, and you
Speaker 1: voted for our advertising ourselves for a lark. The speaker
Speaker 1: was the biggest boy, a good looking youngster with sallow
Speaker 1: cheeks and shrewd black eyes. But Rupert, I never meant
Speaker 1: it to go so far as this. How far did
Speaker 1: you mean it to go? Then it was your idea
Speaker 1: all through. You sent in the advertisement, you wrote the letters,
Speaker 1: and now he's here. If you didn't mean it, why
Speaker 1: didn't you stop his coming? Rupert? The girl's cheeks were
Speaker 1: Crimson Bess interposed. The thing is that as he is here,
Speaker 1: it's no good worrying about whose fault it is. We
Speaker 1: shall simply have to make the best of it. Then
Speaker 1: to me, I suppose you really have come to stay.
Speaker 1: I confess that I had some notion of the kind
Speaker 1: to spend an old fashioned Christmas. At this there was laughter,
Speaker 1: chiefly from the boys. Rupert exclaimed, A nice sort of
Speaker 1: old fashioned Christmas. You'll find it will be. You'll be
Speaker 1: sorry you came before it's through. I'm not sure of that.
Speaker 1: There appeared to be something in my tone which caused
Speaker 1: a touch of silence to descend upon the group. They
Speaker 1: regarded each other doubtfully, as if in my words a
Speaker 1: reproof was implied. Bessie was again the spokeswoman. Of course,
Speaker 1: now that you have come, we mean to be nice
Speaker 1: to you. That is as nice as we can, because
Speaker 1: the thing is that we are not in a condition
Speaker 1: to receive visitors. Do we look as if we were
Speaker 1: to be frank? They did not. Even Madge was a
Speaker 1: little unkempt while the boys were in what I believe
Speaker 1: is the average state of the average boy, and murmured Madge,
Speaker 1: where is mister Christopher to sleep? What is he to eat?
Speaker 1: Inquired Bessie. She glanced at my packages. I suppose you
Speaker 1: have brought nothing with you. I'm afraid I haven't. I
Speaker 1: had hoped to have found something ready for me. On
Speaker 1: my arrival. Again, they peeped at each other as if ashamed.
Speaker 1: Madge repeated her former suggestion, there's tomorrow's dinner. Oh hang it,
Speaker 1: exclaimed rupert. It's not so bad as that there's a
Speaker 1: ham uncooked. You can cut a steak off or whatever
Speaker 1: you call it, and have it broiled. A meal was
Speaker 1: got ready in the preparation of which every member of
Speaker 1: the family took a hand, and a room was found
Speaker 1: for me, in which was a blazing fire and traces
Speaker 1: of recent feminine occupation. I suspected that Madge had yield
Speaker 1: her own apartment as a shelter for the stranger. By
Speaker 1: the time I had washed and changed my clothes, the
Speaker 1: impromptu dinner or supper, or whatever it was, was ready.
Speaker 1: A curious repast. It proved to be composed of oddly
Speaker 1: contrasted dishes, cooked and sometimes uncooked in original fashion, but
Speaker 1: hunger that piquante sauce gave it a relish of its own.
Speaker 1: At first, no one seemed disposed to join me by degrees. However,
Speaker 1: one after another found a knife and fork, till all
Speaker 1: the eight were seated with me round the board, eating
Speaker 1: some of them as if for dear life. The fact is,
Speaker 1: explained Rupert. We're a rum lot. We hardly ever sit
Speaker 1: down together. We don't have regular meals. But whenever anyone
Speaker 1: feels peckish, he goes and gets what there is and
Speaker 1: cooks it and eats it on his own. It's not
Speaker 1: quite so bad as that, protested Madge. Though it's pretty bad.
Speaker 1: It did seem pretty bad from the conventional point of view.
Speaker 1: From their conversation, which was candor itself, I gleaned details
Speaker 1: which threw light upon the peculiar position of affairs. It
Speaker 1: seemed that their father had been dead some seven years.
Speaker 1: Their mother, who had been always delicate, had allowed them
Speaker 1: to run nearly wild. Since she died some ten months back.
Speaker 1: They appeared to have run quite wild. The house, with
Speaker 1: some six hundred acres of land, was theirs, and an income,
Speaker 1: as to whose exact amount no one seemed quite clear.
Speaker 1: It's about eight hundred a year, said Rupert. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's quite so much, doubted Madge. I'm sure it's more,
Speaker 1: declared Bessy. I believe were being robbed. I thought it
Speaker 1: extremely probable they must have had peculiar parents. Their father
Speaker 1: had left everything absolutely to their mother, and the mother
Speaker 1: in her turn everything in trust to Madge, to be
Speaker 1: shared equally among them all. Madge was an odd trustee.
Speaker 1: In her hands the household had become a republic in
Speaker 1: which everyone did exactly as he or she pleased. The
Speaker 1: result was chaos. No one wanted to go to school,
Speaker 1: so no one went. The servants, finding themselves provided with
Speaker 1: eight masters and mistresses, followed their example and did as
Speaker 1: they liked. Consequently, after sundry battles, royal lively episodes, some
Speaker 1: of them have evidently been one after the other had
Speaker 1: been got rid of. Until now not one remained. Plainly,
Speaker 1: the house must be going to rack and ruin. But
Speaker 1: have you no relations, I inquired. Rupert answered, We've got
Speaker 1: some cousins or uncles or something of the kind in Australia,
Speaker 1: where so far as I'm concerned, I hope they'll stop.
Speaker 1: When I was in my room, which I feared was Madge's,
Speaker 1: I told myself that it was a queer establishment on
Speaker 1: which I had lighted. Yet I could not honestly affirm
Speaker 1: that I was sorry I had come. I had lived
Speaker 1: such an uneventful and such a solitary life, and had
Speaker 1: so often longed for someone in whom to take an interest,
Speaker 1: who would not talk medicine chest that to be plunged
Speaker 1: all at once into the center of this troop of
Speaker 1: boys and girls with an accident which, if only because
Speaker 1: of its novelty, I found amusing. And then it was
Speaker 1: so odd that I should have come across a madge.
Speaker 1: At last, in the morning, I was roused by noises,
Speaker 1: the cause of which at first I could not understand.
Speaker 1: By degrees the explanation dawned on me. The family was
Speaker 1: putting the house to rights, a somewhat noisy process. It
Speaker 1: seemed someone was singing, someone else was shouting, and two
Speaker 1: or three others were engaged in a heated argument. In
Speaker 1: such loud tones was it conducted that the gist of
Speaker 1: the matter traveled up to me. How do you think
Speaker 1: I'm going to get this fire to burn? If you
Speaker 1: beastly kids keep messing it about, It's no good bag
Speaker 1: hanging at it with the poker till it's a light.
Speaker 1: The voice was unmistakably Rupert's. There was the sound of
Speaker 1: a scuffle, cries of indignation, then a girlish voice pouring
Speaker 1: oil upon the troubled waters. Presently there was a rattle
Speaker 1: and clatter, as if someone had fallen from the top
Speaker 1: of the house to the bottom. I rushed to my
Speaker 1: bedroom door. What on earth has happened? A small boy
Speaker 1: was outside, Peter. He explained, Oh, it's only the broom
Speaker 1: and dust pen gone to bogganing down the stairs. It's
Speaker 1: Bessie's fault. She shouldn't leave them on the landing. Bessie,
Speaker 1: appearing from a room opposite, disclaimed responsibility. I told you
Speaker 1: to look out where you were going, but you never do.
Speaker 1: I'd only put them down for a second while I
Speaker 1: went in to empty a jug of water on to Jack,
Speaker 1: who won't get out of bed, and there are all
Speaker 1: the boots for him to clean. Injured tones came through
Speaker 1: the open portal. You wait, that's all. I'll soak your
Speaker 1: bed tonight. I'll drown it. I don't want to clean
Speaker 1: your dirty boots. I'm not a shoe black. The breakfast
Speaker 1: was a failure to begin with. It was inordinately late.
Speaker 1: It seemed that a bath was not obtainable. I had
Speaker 1: been promised some hot water, but as I waited and waited,
Speaker 1: none arrived. I proceeded to break the ice in my
Speaker 1: jug it was a bitterly cold morning, nice old fashioned weather,
Speaker 1: and to wash in the half frozen contents. As I
Speaker 1: am not accustomed to perform my ablutions in partially dissolved ice,
Speaker 1: I feared that the process did not improve my temper.
Speaker 1: It was past eleven when I got down, feeling not
Speaker 1: exactly in a Christmasy frame of mind, Everything and everyone
Speaker 1: seemed at sixes and sevens. It was after noon when
Speaker 1: breakfast appeared. The principal dish consisted of eggs and bacon,
Speaker 1: but as the bacon was fried to cinders and the
Speaker 1: eggs all broken, it was not so popular as it
Speaker 1: might have been. Madge was moved to melancholy. Something will
Speaker 1: have to be done. We can't go on like this.
Speaker 1: We must have someone in to help us. Bessie was sarcastic.
Speaker 1: You might give Eliza another trial. She told you, if
Speaker 1: you didn't like the way she burned the bacon, to
Speaker 1: burn it yourself, And as you followed her advice, she
Speaker 1: might be able to give you other useful hints. On
Speaker 1: similar lines. Rupert indulged himself in the same vein. Then
Speaker 1: there's Eliza's brother. He threatened to knock your bloomin head
Speaker 1: off for saying Eliza was dishonest just because she collared
Speaker 1: everything she laid her hands on. He might turn out
Speaker 1: a useful sort of creature to have about the place.
Speaker 1: It's all very well for you to laugh, but it's
Speaker 1: beyond a jest. I don't know how we're going to
Speaker 1: cook the dinner. Can I be of any assistance? I inquired?
Speaker 1: First of all, what is there to cook? It seemed
Speaker 1: there were a good many things to cook. A turkey,
Speaker 1: a goose, beef, plum pudding, mince pies, custard, sardine. It
Speaker 1: seemed that Molly the third Girl, as she phrased it,
Speaker 1: could live on sardines and esteem no dinner, a decent
Speaker 1: dinner at which they did not appear together with a
Speaker 1: list of et ceteras. Half as long as my arm,
Speaker 1: one thing is clear. You can't cook all those things today.
Speaker 1: We can't cook anything. This was Rupert. He was tilting
Speaker 1: his chair back and had his face turned towards the ceiling.
Speaker 1: Why not, because there's no coal. No coal, there's about
Speaker 1: a half a scuttleful of dust. If you can make
Speaker 1: it burn, you'll be clever. What Rupert said was correct.
Speaker 1: Madge confessed with Crimson cheeks that she had meant over
Speaker 1: and over again to order some coal, but had continually
Speaker 1: forgotten it, until finally Christmas Day had found them with
Speaker 1: an empty cellar. There was plenty of wood, but it
Speaker 1: was not so dry as it might have been, and anyhow,
Speaker 1: the grate was not constructed to burn wood. You might
Speaker 1: try smoke beef, suggested Rupert. When that wood goes at all,
Speaker 1: it smoked like one o'clock. If you hung the beef
Speaker 1: up over it, it would be smoked enough for anyone.
Speaker 1: By the time that it was done, I began to
Speaker 1: rub my chin, considering the breakfast we had had. From
Speaker 1: my point of view, the situation commenced for the first
Speaker 1: time to look really grave. I wondered if it would
Speaker 1: not be possible to take the whole eight somewhere where
Speaker 1: something really edible could be got. But when I broached
Speaker 1: the subject, I learned that the thing could not be done.
Speaker 1: The nearest hostelry was the Boy and Blunderbuss, and it
Speaker 1: was certain that nothing edible could be had there. Even
Speaker 1: if accommodation could be found for us at all. Nothing
Speaker 1: in the shape of a possible house of public entertainment
Speaker 1: was to be found closer than the market town eight
Speaker 1: miles off. It was unlikely that even there, a Christmas
Speaker 1: dinner for nine could be provided at a moment's notice. Evidently,
Speaker 1: the only thing to do was to make the best
Speaker 1: of it. When the meeting broke up, Madge came and
Speaker 1: said a few words to me alone. I really think
Speaker 1: you had better not stay. Does that mean that you
Speaker 1: had rather? I went No, not exactly that, then nearly that. No,
Speaker 1: not a bit that only you must see for yourself.
Speaker 1: How awfully uncomfortable you'll be here, and what a horrid
Speaker 1: house this is, my dear Madge. Everybody called her Madge,
Speaker 1: so I did, even if I wanted to go, which
Speaker 1: I don't, and I would remind you that you contracted
Speaker 1: to give me an old fashioned Christmas. I don't see
Speaker 1: where there is that I could go. Of course there's
Speaker 1: that I don't see either. So I suppose you'll have
Speaker 1: to stay. But I hope you won't think that I
Speaker 1: meant you to come to a place like this. Really,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm sorry. I had hoped you had. That's
Speaker 1: not what I mean. I mean that if I had
Speaker 1: thought that you were coming, I would have seen that
Speaker 1: things were different how different. I assure you that things
Speaker 1: as they are have a charm of their own. That's
Speaker 1: what you say. You don't suppose that I'm so silly
Speaker 1: as to not know you're laughing at me. But as
Speaker 1: I was the whole cause of your coming, I hope
Speaker 1: you won't hate the others because of me. She marched off,
Speaker 1: brushing back with an impatient gesture some rebellious locks which
Speaker 1: had strayed upon her forehead. That Christmas dinner was a success,
Speaker 1: positively of a kind. Let that be clearly understood. I
Speaker 1: am not inferring that it was a success from the
Speaker 1: point of view of a chef de cuisine, not at all.
Speaker 1: How could it be quite the other way. By dint
Speaker 1: of ransacking all the rooms and emptying all the scuttles,
Speaker 1: we collected a certain amount of coal, with which, after
Speaker 1: adding a fair proportion of wood, we managed, not brilliantly,
Speaker 1: but after a fashion. I can only say personally, I
Speaker 1: had not enjoyed myself so much for years. I really
Speaker 1: felt as if I were young again. I am not
Speaker 1: sure that I am not younger than I thought I was.
Speaker 1: I must look the matter up. And after all, even
Speaker 1: if one be say forty one need not be absolutely
Speaker 1: an ancient Madge herself said that I had been like
Speaker 1: a right hand to her. She did not know what
Speaker 1: she would have done without me. Looking back, I cannot
Speaker 1: but think that if we had attempted to prepare fewer dishes,
Speaker 1: something might have been properly cooked. It was a mistake
Speaker 1: to stuff the turkey with sage and onions, but as
Speaker 1: Bessie did not discover that she had been manipulating the
Speaker 1: wrong bird until the process of stuffing had been completed,
Speaker 1: it was felt that it might be just as well
Speaker 1: to let it rest. Unfortunately, it turned out that some
Speaker 1: time parsley, mint and other things had got mixed with
Speaker 1: the sage, which gave the creature quite a peculiar flavor.
Speaker 1: But as it came to table nearly raw and tough
Speaker 1: as hickory, it really did not matter. My experience of
Speaker 1: that day teaches me that it is not easy to
Speaker 1: roast a large goose on a small oil stove. The
Speaker 1: dropping fat caused the flame to give out a strong,
Speaker 1: smelling and most unpleasant smoke. Rupert, who had charge of
Speaker 1: the operation, affirmed that it would be all right in
Speaker 1: the end, but by the time the thing was served,
Speaker 1: it was as black as my hat. Rupert said that
Speaker 1: it was merely brown, But the brown was of a
Speaker 1: sooty hue, and it reeked a paraffin. We had to
Speaker 1: have it deposit in the ash bin. I dare say
Speaker 1: that the beef would not have been bad if someone
Speaker 1: had occasionally turned it, and if the fire would have
Speaker 1: burned clear as it was, it was charred on one
Speaker 1: side and raw on the other, and smoked all over.
Speaker 1: The way in which the odor and taste of smoke
Speaker 1: permeated everything was amazing. The plum pudding came to the
Speaker 1: table in the form of soup, and the mince pies
Speaker 1: were nauseous. Something had got into the crust or mincemeat,
Speaker 1: or something which there at any rates was out of place. Luckily,
Speaker 1: we came upon a tin of corned beef and a cupboard,
Speaker 1: and with the aid of some bread and cheese and
Speaker 1: other odds and ends, we made a sort of picnic.
Speaker 1: Incredible though it may seem, I enjoyed it. If there
Speaker 1: was anywhere a merrier party than we were, I should
Speaker 1: like to know where it was to be found. It
Speaker 1: must have been a merry one when I produced the
Speaker 1: presence in which a happy inspiration had urged me to invest.
Speaker 1: The enthusiasm reached a climax. I believe that it is
Speaker 1: the proper form of words which I ought to use.
Speaker 1: As I watched the pleasure of those youngsters, I felt
Speaker 1: as if I were myself a boy again. That was
Speaker 1: my first introduction to a lively family. They came up
Speaker 1: to the description they had given of themselves. I speak
Speaker 1: from knowledge, for they have been my acquaintances now some time,
Speaker 1: more than acquaintances, friends, the dearest friends I have. At
Speaker 1: their request, I took their affairs in hand, Madge informally
Speaker 1: passing her trusteeship on to me. Things are very different
Speaker 1: with them now. The house is spick and spanned. There's
Speaker 1: an excellent staff of servants. Hangar d is as comfortable
Speaker 1: a home as there is in England. I have spent
Speaker 1: many a happy Christmas under its hospitable roof. Since then.
Speaker 1: The boys are out in the world, after passing with
Speaker 1: honor through school and college. The girls are going out
Speaker 1: into the world. Also. Bessie is actually married. Madge is
Speaker 1: married too. She is missus Christopher. That is the part
Speaker 1: of it all which I find is hardest to understand.
Speaker 1: To have told myself my whole life long that the
Speaker 1: name of my ideal woman would be Madge. And to
Speaker 1: have won that woman for my own at last, that
Speaker 1: is greater fortune than falls to the lot of most men.
Speaker 1: I thought that I was beyond that kind of thing,
Speaker 1: that I was too old. But Madge seemed to think
Speaker 1: that I was young enough. And she thinks so still.
Speaker 1: And now there is a little Madge who is big
Speaker 1: enough to play havoc with the sheets of paper on
Speaker 1: which I have been scribbling, to whom one day this
Speaker 1: tale will have to be told. End of chapter two
Speaker 1: of an old fashioned Christmas recording by Stephen Kinford, Shearon, Township, Ohio.