Speaker 1: This is section eight of The Gilded Age by Mark
Speaker 1: Twain and C. D. Warner. This LibriVox recording is in
Speaker 1: the public domain. The Gilded Age, A Tale of to
Speaker 1: Day by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner. Chapter eight
Speaker 1: one PI. Hordy is thine as of serreuse. Note replenished
Speaker 1: with great deure sight of meat and drink. Good chair
Speaker 1: may then suffice with honest talking the book of courtesy. Mammon,
Speaker 1: Come on, sir, now you set your foot on shore
Speaker 1: in Novo orbe. Here's the rich Peru, and there within, sir,
Speaker 1: are the golden mines. Great Solomon's offer b. Johnson. The
Speaker 1: supper at Colonel Seller's was not sumptuous in the beginning,
Speaker 1: but it improved on acquaintance. That is to say that
Speaker 1: what Washington regarded at first sight mere lowly potatoes presently
Speaker 1: became awe inspiring agricultural productions that had been reared in
Speaker 1: some ducal garden beyond the sea, under the sacred eye
Speaker 1: of the Duke himself, who had sent them to cellars.
Speaker 1: The bread was from corn, which could be grown in
Speaker 1: only one favored locality in the earth, and only a
Speaker 1: favored few could get it. The rio coffee, which at
Speaker 1: first seemed execrable to the taste, took to itself an
Speaker 1: improved flavor when Washington was told to drink it slowly
Speaker 1: and not hurry. What should be a lingering luxury in
Speaker 1: order to be fully appreciated. It was from the private
Speaker 1: stores of a Brazilian nobleman with an unrememberable name. The
Speaker 1: colonel's tongue was a magician's wand that turned dried apples
Speaker 1: into figs and water into wine as easily as it
Speaker 1: could change a hovel into a palace, and present poverty
Speaker 1: into imminent future riches. Washington slept in a cold bed
Speaker 1: and a carpetless room, and woke up in a palace
Speaker 1: in the morning. At least the palace lingered during the
Speaker 1: moment that he was rubbing his eyes and getting his bearings,
Speaker 1: and then it disappeared, and he recognized that the colonel's
Speaker 1: inspiring talk had been influencing his dreams. Fatigue had made
Speaker 1: him sleep late. When he entered the sitting room, he
Speaker 1: noticed that the old haircloth sofa was absent. When he
Speaker 1: sat down to breakfast, the colonel tossed six or seven
Speaker 1: dollars in bills on the table, counted them over, said
Speaker 1: he was a little short and must call upon his banker.
Speaker 1: Then returned the bills to his wallet with the indifferent
Speaker 1: air of a man who is used to money. The
Speaker 1: breakfast was not an improvement upon the supper, but the
Speaker 1: Colonel talked it up and transformed it into an oriental feast.
Speaker 1: By and by, he said, I intend to look out
Speaker 1: for you, Washington, my boy. I hunted up a place
Speaker 1: for you yesterday. But I am not referring to that now.
Speaker 1: That is a mere livelihood, mere bread and butter. But
Speaker 1: when I say I mean to look out for you,
Speaker 1: I mean something very different. I mean to put things
Speaker 1: in your way that will make a mere livelihood a
Speaker 1: trifling thing. I'll put you in a way to make
Speaker 1: more money than you'll ever know what to do with.
Speaker 1: You'll be right here where I can put my hand
Speaker 1: on you when anything turns up. I've got some prodigious
Speaker 1: operations on foot, but I'm keeping quiet. Mum's the word,
Speaker 1: your old hand. Don't go round pow wowing and letting
Speaker 1: everybody see his yards and find out his little game.
Speaker 1: But all in good time, Washington, All in good time.
Speaker 1: You'll see now there's an operation in Corn that looks well.
Speaker 1: Some New York men are trying to get me to
Speaker 1: go into it, buy up all the growing crops and
Speaker 1: just boss the market when they mature. Ah, I tell
Speaker 1: you it's a great thing, and it only costs a
Speaker 1: trifle two millions or two and a half will do it.
Speaker 1: I haven't exactly promised yet, there's no hurry. The more
Speaker 1: indifferent I seem, you know, the more anxious those fellows
Speaker 1: will get. And then there is the hog speculation that's bigger. Still,
Speaker 1: we've got quiet men at work. He was very impressive here,
Speaker 1: mousing around to get propositions out of all the farmers
Speaker 1: in the whole West and Northwest for the hog crop,
Speaker 1: and other agents quietly getting propositions and terms out of
Speaker 1: all the manufactories. And don't you see if we can
Speaker 1: get all the hogs and all the slaughter houses into
Speaker 1: our hands on the dead quiet whew. It would take
Speaker 1: three ships to carry the money. I've looked into the thing,
Speaker 1: calculated all the chances for and all the chances against.
Speaker 1: And though I shake my head and hesitate and keep
Speaker 1: on thinking, apparently I've got my mind made up that
Speaker 1: if the thing can be done on a capital of
Speaker 1: six millions. That's the horse to put up money on. Why, Washington,
Speaker 1: But what's the use of talking about it? Any man
Speaker 1: can see that there's whole Atlantic oceans of cash in it,
Speaker 1: gulfs and bays thrown in. But there's a bigger thing
Speaker 1: than that, Yes, bigger. Why, Colonel, you can't want anything bigger,
Speaker 1: said Washington, his eyes blazing. Oh, I wish I could
Speaker 1: go into either of those speculations. I only wish I
Speaker 1: had money. I wish I wasn't cramped and kept down
Speaker 1: and fettered with poverty and such prodigious chances lying right
Speaker 1: here in sight. Oh, it is a fearful thing to
Speaker 1: be poor. But don't throw away those things. They are
Speaker 1: so splendid, and I can see how sure they are.
Speaker 1: Don't throw them away for something still better, and maybe
Speaker 1: fail in it. I wouldn't, Colonel, I would stick to these.
Speaker 1: I wish father were here and were his old self again. Oh,
Speaker 1: he never in his life had such chances as these are, Colonel.
Speaker 1: You can't improve on these, No man can improve on them.
Speaker 1: A sweet, compassionate smile played about the colonel's features, and
Speaker 1: he leaned over the table with the air of a
Speaker 1: man who is going to show you and do it
Speaker 1: without the least trouble. Why, Washington, my boy, these things
Speaker 1: are nothing. They look large, of course, they look large
Speaker 1: to a novice. But to a man who has been
Speaker 1: all his life accustomed to large operations, shah, they're well
Speaker 1: enough to while away an idle hour with or furnish
Speaker 1: a bit of employment that will give a trifle of
Speaker 1: idle capital a chance to earn its bread while it
Speaker 1: is waiting for something to do. But now, just listen
Speaker 1: the moment. Just let me give you an idea of
Speaker 1: what we old veterans of commerce call business. Here's the
Speaker 1: Rothschild's proposition. This is between you and me. You understand.
Speaker 1: Washington nodded three or four times impatiently, and his glowing
Speaker 1: eyes said, yes, yes, hurry, I understand, for I wouldn't
Speaker 1: have it get out for a fortune. They want me
Speaker 1: to go in with them on the sly. Agent was
Speaker 1: here two weeks ago about it. Go in on the Sly,
Speaker 1: voiced down to an impressive whisper, now and buy up
Speaker 1: a hundred and thirteen wildcat banks in Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, Illinois,
Speaker 1: and Missouri. Notes of these banks are at all sorts
Speaker 1: of discount. Now average discount of the hundred and thirteen
Speaker 1: is forty four percent. Buy them all up, you see,
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, let the cat out
Speaker 1: of the bag. Whiz. The stock of every one of
Speaker 1: those wildcats would spin up to a tremendous premium before
Speaker 1: you could turn a handspring profit on the speculation, not
Speaker 1: a dollar less than forty millions. An eloquent pause while
Speaker 1: the marvelous vision settled into W's focus. Where's your hogs? Now? Why,
Speaker 1: my dear innocent boy, we would just sit down on
Speaker 1: the front doorstep and peddle banks like Lucifer Matches. Washington
Speaker 1: finally got his breath and said, oh, it is perfectly wonderful.
Speaker 1: Why couldn't these things have happened in Father's day? And
Speaker 1: I it's of no use. They simply lie before my
Speaker 1: face and mock me. There is nothing for me but
Speaker 1: to stand helpless and see other people reap the astonishing harvest.
Speaker 1: Never mind, Washington, don't you worry. I'll fix you. There's
Speaker 1: plenty of chances. How much money have you got in
Speaker 1: the presence of so many millions? Washington could not keep
Speaker 1: from blushing when he had to confess that he had
Speaker 1: but eighteen dollars in the world. Well, all right, don't despair.
Speaker 1: Other people have been obliged to begin with less. I
Speaker 1: have a small idea that may develop into something for us.
Speaker 1: Both all in good time, keep your money close and
Speaker 1: add to it. I'll make it breed. I've been experimenting
Speaker 1: to pass away the time on a little preparation for
Speaker 1: curing sore eyes, a kind of decoction nine tenths water
Speaker 1: and the other tenth drugs that don't cost more than
Speaker 1: a dollar a barrel. I'm still experimenting. There's one ingredient
Speaker 1: wanted yet to perfect the thing, and somehow I can't
Speaker 1: just manage to hit upon the thing that's necessary. And
Speaker 1: I don't dare talk with a chemist, of course, but
Speaker 1: I'm progressing, and before many weeks, I wager the country
Speaker 1: will ring with the name of Bariah Cellar's Infallible Imperial
Speaker 1: Oriental Optic Lineament and Salvation for sore eyes, the medical
Speaker 1: wonder of the age. Small bottles fifty cents, large ones
Speaker 1: a dollar average cost five and seven cents for the
Speaker 1: two sizes. The first year or cells, say ten thousand
Speaker 1: bottles in Missouri seven thousand in Iowa, three thousand in Arkansas,
Speaker 1: four thousand in Kentucky, six thousand in Illinois, and say
Speaker 1: twenty five thousand in the rest of the country. Total
Speaker 1: fifty five thousand bottles profit clear of all expenses, twenty
Speaker 1: thousand dollars. At the very lowest calculation, all the capital
Speaker 1: needed is to manufacture the first two thh thousand bottles,
Speaker 1: say one hundred and fifty dollars, and then the money
Speaker 1: would begin to flow. In the second year, sales would
Speaker 1: reach two hundred thousand bottles clear profits say seventy five
Speaker 1: thousand dollars, and in the meantime, the great factory would
Speaker 1: be building in Saint Louis, to cost, say one hundred
Speaker 1: thousand dollars. The third year, we could easily sell a
Speaker 1: million bottles in the United States, And oh splendid, said Washington.
Speaker 1: Let's commence right away. Let's one million bottles in the
Speaker 1: United States profit at least three hundred and fifty thousand,
Speaker 1: and then it would begin to be time to turn
Speaker 1: our attention toward the real idea of the business. The
Speaker 1: real idea of it ain't three hundred and fifty thousand
Speaker 1: dollars a year, A pretty real stuff. Why what an
Speaker 1: infant you are, Washington? What a guileless, short sighted, easily
Speaker 1: contented innocent you are? My poor little country bread know nothing?
Speaker 1: Would I go to all that trouble and bother for
Speaker 1: the poor crumbs a body might pick up in this country?
Speaker 1: Now do I look like a man who does? My
Speaker 1: history suggest that I am a man who deals in trifles,
Speaker 1: contents himself with the narrow horizon that hems in the
Speaker 1: common herd sees no further than the end of his nose.
Speaker 1: Now you know that that is not me. Couldn't be me.
Speaker 1: You ought to know that if I throw my time
Speaker 1: and abilities into a patent medicine, it's a patent medicine
Speaker 1: whose field of operations is the solid earth, its clients,
Speaker 1: the swarming nations that inhabit it. Why what is the
Speaker 1: Republic of America for an eye water country? Lord, bless you?
Speaker 1: It is nothing but a barren highway that you've got
Speaker 1: to cross to get to the true eye water market.
Speaker 1: Why Washington. In the Oriental countries, people swarm like the
Speaker 1: sands of the desert. Every square mile of ground upholds
Speaker 1: its thousands upon thousands of struggling human creatures and every
Speaker 1: separate and individual devil of them's got the ophthalmia. It's
Speaker 1: as natural to them as noses are and sin. It's
Speaker 1: born with them, it stays with them. It's all that
Speaker 1: some of them have left when they die. Three years
Speaker 1: of introductory trade in the Orient, and what will be
Speaker 1: the result. Why our headquarters would be in Constantinople, and
Speaker 1: our hind quarters in further India. Factories and warehouses in Cairo, Ispahan, Baghdad, Damascus, Jerusalem, Yedo, Pei,
Speaker 1: king Bangkok, Delhi, Bombay, and Calcutta. Annual income well, God
Speaker 1: only knows how many millions and millions apiece. Washington was
Speaker 1: so dazed, so bewildered. His heart and his eyes had
Speaker 1: wandered so far away among the strange lands beyond the seas,
Speaker 1: and such avalanches of coin and currency had fluttered and
Speaker 1: jingled confusedly down before him, that he was now as
Speaker 1: one who has been whirling round and round for a time,
Speaker 1: and stopping all at once finds his surroundings still whirling,
Speaker 1: and all objects a dancing chaos. However, little by little,
Speaker 1: the seller's family cooled down and crystallized into shape, and
Speaker 1: the poor room lost its glitter and resumed its poverty.
Speaker 1: Then the youth found his voice and begged sellers to
Speaker 1: drop everything and hurry up the Eyewater. And he got
Speaker 1: his eighteen dollars and tried to force it upon the colonel.
Speaker 1: Pleaded with him to take it, implored him to do it,
Speaker 1: but the colonel would not, said he would not need
Speaker 1: the capital. In his native magnificent way, he called that
Speaker 1: eighteen dollars capital till the Eyewater was an accomplished fact.
Speaker 1: He made Washington easy in his mind, though, by promising
Speaker 1: that he would call for it just as soon as
Speaker 1: the invention was finished. And he added the glad tidings
Speaker 1: that nobody but just they too, should be admitted to
Speaker 1: a share in the speculation. When Washington left the breakfast table,
Speaker 1: he could have worshiped that man. Washington was one of
Speaker 1: that kind of people whose hopes are in the very
Speaker 1: clouds one day and in the gutter the next. He
Speaker 1: walked on air. Now the colonel was ready to take
Speaker 1: him around and introduced him to the employment he had
Speaker 1: found for him. But Washington begged for a few moments
Speaker 1: in which to write home with his kind of people,
Speaker 1: to ride to day's new interest to death and put
Speaker 1: off yesterday's till another time is nature itself. He ran
Speaker 1: upstairs and wrote glowingly enthusiastically to his mother about the
Speaker 1: hogs and the corn, the banks and the eye water,
Speaker 1: and added a few inconsequential millions to each project. And
Speaker 1: he said that people little dreamed what a man Colonel
Speaker 1: Sellers was, and that the world would open its eyes
Speaker 1: when it found out. And he closed his letter thus,
Speaker 1: so make yourself perfectly easy, mother. In a little while
Speaker 1: you shall have everything you want and more. And I
Speaker 1: am not likely to stint you in anything. I fancy.
Speaker 1: This money will not be for me alone, but for
Speaker 1: all of us. I want all to share alike, and
Speaker 1: there is going to be far more for each than
Speaker 1: one person can spend. Break it to father cautiously. You
Speaker 1: understand the need of that. Break it to him cautiously,
Speaker 1: for he has had such cruel, hard fortune, and is
Speaker 1: so stricken by it, that great good news might prostrate
Speaker 1: him more surely than even bad. For he is used
Speaker 1: to the bad, but is grown sadly and accustomed to
Speaker 1: the other. Tell Laura, tell all the children, and write
Speaker 1: to Clay about it. If he is not with you yet,
Speaker 1: you may tell Clay that whatever I get he can
Speaker 1: freely share in freely. He knows that that is true.
Speaker 1: There will be no need that I should swear to
Speaker 1: that to make him believe it. Good Bye, and mind
Speaker 1: what I say, rest perfectly, easy one and all of you,
Speaker 1: for our troubles are nearly at an end. Poor lad
Speaker 1: he could not know that his mother would cry some loving,
Speaker 1: compassionate tears over his letter and put off the family
Speaker 1: with a synopsis of its contents, which conveyed a deal
Speaker 1: of love to them, but not much idea of his
Speaker 1: prospects or projects. And he never dreamed that such a
Speaker 1: joyful letter could sadden her and fill her night with
Speaker 1: sighs and troubled thoughts and bodings of the future, instead
Speaker 1: of filling it with peace and blessing it with RESTful sleep.
Speaker 1: When the letter was done, Washington and the Colonel sallied forth,
Speaker 1: and as they walked along, Washington learned what he was
Speaker 1: to be. He was to be a clerk in a
Speaker 1: real estate office. Instantly, the fickle youth's dreams forsook the
Speaker 1: magic eye water and flew back to the Tennessee Land
Speaker 1: and the gorgeous possibilities of that great domain. Straightway began
Speaker 1: to occupy his imagination to such a degree that he
Speaker 1: could scarcely manage to keep even enough of his attention
Speaker 1: upon the colonel's talk to retain the general run of
Speaker 1: what he was saying. He was glad it was a
Speaker 1: real estate office. He was a made man, now sure.
Speaker 1: The colonel said that General Boswell was a rich man
Speaker 1: and had a good and growing business, and that Washington's
Speaker 1: work would be light, and he would get forty dollars
Speaker 1: a month and be boarded and lodged in the General's family,
Speaker 1: which was as good as ten dollars more, and even better,
Speaker 1: for he could not live as well even at the
Speaker 1: city hotel as he would there, And yet the hotel
Speaker 1: charged fifteen dollars a month, where a man had a
Speaker 1: good room. General Boswell was in his office, a comfortable
Speaker 1: looking place with plenty of outline maps hanging about the
Speaker 1: walls and in the windows, and a spectacled man was
Speaker 1: marking out another one on a long table. The office
Speaker 1: was in the Principal Street. The General received Washington with
Speaker 1: a kindly but reserved politeness. Washington rather liked his looks.
Speaker 1: He was about fifty years old, dignified Well preserved and
Speaker 1: well dressed. After the colonel took his leave, the General
Speaker 1: talked a while with Washington, his talk consisting chiefly of
Speaker 1: instructions about the clerical duties of the place. He seemed
Speaker 1: satisfied as to washington sensibility to take care of the books.
Speaker 1: He was evidently a pretty fair theoretical bookkeeper, and experience
Speaker 1: would soon harden theory into practice. By and by dinner
Speaker 1: time came, and the two walked to the general's house.
Speaker 1: And now Washington noticed an instinct in himself that moved
Speaker 1: him to keep not in the general's rear exactly, but
Speaker 1: yet not at his side. Somehow, the old gentleman's dignity
Speaker 1: and reserve did not inspire familiarity. End of Chapter eight