WEBVTT

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<v Speaker 1>This is section eight of The Gilded Age by Mark

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<v Speaker 1>Twain and C. D. Warner. This LibriVox recording is in

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<v Speaker 1>the public domain. The Gilded Age, A Tale of to

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<v Speaker 1>Day by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner. Chapter eight

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<v Speaker 1>one PI. Hordy is thine as of serreuse. Note replenished

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<v Speaker 1>with great deure sight of meat and drink. Good chair

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<v Speaker 1>may then suffice with honest talking the book of courtesy. Mammon,

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<v Speaker 1>Come on, sir, now you set your foot on shore

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<v Speaker 1>in Novo orbe. Here's the rich Peru, and there within, sir,

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<v Speaker 1>are the golden mines. Great Solomon's offer b. Johnson. The

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<v Speaker 1>supper at Colonel Seller's was not sumptuous in the beginning,

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<v Speaker 1>but it improved on acquaintance. That is to say that

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<v Speaker 1>what Washington regarded at first sight mere lowly potatoes presently

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<v Speaker 1>became awe inspiring agricultural productions that had been reared in

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<v Speaker 1>some ducal garden beyond the sea, under the sacred eye

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<v Speaker 1>of the Duke himself, who had sent them to cellars.

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<v Speaker 1>The bread was from corn, which could be grown in

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<v Speaker 1>only one favored locality in the earth, and only a

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<v Speaker 1>favored few could get it. The rio coffee, which at

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<v Speaker 1>first seemed execrable to the taste, took to itself an

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<v Speaker 1>improved flavor when Washington was told to drink it slowly

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<v Speaker 1>and not hurry. What should be a lingering luxury in

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<v Speaker 1>order to be fully appreciated. It was from the private

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<v Speaker 1>stores of a Brazilian nobleman with an unrememberable name. The

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<v Speaker 1>colonel's tongue was a magician's wand that turned dried apples

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<v Speaker 1>into figs and water into wine as easily as it

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<v Speaker 1>could change a hovel into a palace, and present poverty

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<v Speaker 1>into imminent future riches. Washington slept in a cold bed

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<v Speaker 1>and a carpetless room, and woke up in a palace

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<v Speaker 1>in the morning. At least the palace lingered during the

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<v Speaker 1>moment that he was rubbing his eyes and getting his bearings,

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<v Speaker 1>and then it disappeared, and he recognized that the colonel's

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<v Speaker 1>inspiring talk had been influencing his dreams. Fatigue had made

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<v Speaker 1>him sleep late. When he entered the sitting room, he

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<v Speaker 1>noticed that the old haircloth sofa was absent. When he

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<v Speaker 1>sat down to breakfast, the colonel tossed six or seven

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<v Speaker 1>dollars in bills on the table, counted them over, said

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<v Speaker 1>he was a little short and must call upon his banker.

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<v Speaker 1>Then returned the bills to his wallet with the indifferent

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<v Speaker 1>air of a man who is used to money. The

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<v Speaker 1>breakfast was not an improvement upon the supper, but the

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<v Speaker 1>Colonel talked it up and transformed it into an oriental feast.

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<v Speaker 1>By and by, he said, I intend to look out

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<v Speaker 1>for you, Washington, my boy. I hunted up a place

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<v Speaker 1>for you yesterday. But I am not referring to that now.

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<v Speaker 1>That is a mere livelihood, mere bread and butter. But

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<v Speaker 1>when I say I mean to look out for you,

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<v Speaker 1>I mean something very different. I mean to put things

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<v Speaker 1>in your way that will make a mere livelihood a

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<v Speaker 1>trifling thing. I'll put you in a way to make

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<v Speaker 1>more money than you'll ever know what to do with.

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<v Speaker 1>You'll be right here where I can put my hand

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<v Speaker 1>on you when anything turns up. I've got some prodigious

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<v Speaker 1>operations on foot, but I'm keeping quiet. Mum's the word,

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<v Speaker 1>your old hand. Don't go round pow wowing and letting

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<v Speaker 1>everybody see his yards and find out his little game.

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<v Speaker 1>But all in good time, Washington, All in good time.

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<v Speaker 1>You'll see now there's an operation in Corn that looks well.

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<v Speaker 1>Some New York men are trying to get me to

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<v Speaker 1>go into it, buy up all the growing crops and

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<v Speaker 1>just boss the market when they mature. Ah, I tell

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<v Speaker 1>you it's a great thing, and it only costs a

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<v Speaker 1>trifle two millions or two and a half will do it.

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<v Speaker 1>I haven't exactly promised yet, there's no hurry. The more

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<v Speaker 1>indifferent I seem, you know, the more anxious those fellows

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<v Speaker 1>will get. And then there is the hog speculation that's bigger. Still,

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<v Speaker 1>we've got quiet men at work. He was very impressive here,

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<v Speaker 1>mousing around to get propositions out of all the farmers

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<v Speaker 1>in the whole West and Northwest for the hog crop,

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<v Speaker 1>and other agents quietly getting propositions and terms out of

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<v Speaker 1>all the manufactories. And don't you see if we can

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<v Speaker 1>get all the hogs and all the slaughter houses into

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<v Speaker 1>our hands on the dead quiet whew. It would take

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<v Speaker 1>three ships to carry the money. I've looked into the thing,

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<v Speaker 1>calculated all the chances for and all the chances against.

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<v Speaker 1>And though I shake my head and hesitate and keep

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<v Speaker 1>on thinking, apparently I've got my mind made up that

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<v Speaker 1>if the thing can be done on a capital of

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<v Speaker 1>six millions. That's the horse to put up money on. Why, Washington,

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<v Speaker 1>But what's the use of talking about it? Any man

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<v Speaker 1>can see that there's whole Atlantic oceans of cash in it,

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<v Speaker 1>gulfs and bays thrown in. But there's a bigger thing

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<v Speaker 1>than that, Yes, bigger. Why, Colonel, you can't want anything bigger,

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<v Speaker 1>said Washington, his eyes blazing. Oh, I wish I could

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<v Speaker 1>go into either of those speculations. I only wish I

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<v Speaker 1>had money. I wish I wasn't cramped and kept down

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<v Speaker 1>and fettered with poverty and such prodigious chances lying right

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<v Speaker 1>here in sight. Oh, it is a fearful thing to

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<v Speaker 1>be poor. But don't throw away those things. They are

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<v Speaker 1>so splendid, and I can see how sure they are.

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<v Speaker 1>Don't throw them away for something still better, and maybe

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<v Speaker 1>fail in it. I wouldn't, Colonel, I would stick to these.

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<v Speaker 1>I wish father were here and were his old self again. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>he never in his life had such chances as these are, Colonel.

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<v Speaker 1>You can't improve on these, No man can improve on them.

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<v Speaker 1>A sweet, compassionate smile played about the colonel's features, and

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<v Speaker 1>he leaned over the table with the air of a

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<v Speaker 1>man who is going to show you and do it

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<v Speaker 1>without the least trouble. Why, Washington, my boy, these things

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<v Speaker 1>are nothing. They look large, of course, they look large

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<v Speaker 1>to a novice. But to a man who has been

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<v Speaker 1>all his life accustomed to large operations, shah, they're well

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<v Speaker 1>enough to while away an idle hour with or furnish

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<v Speaker 1>a bit of employment that will give a trifle of

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<v Speaker 1>idle capital a chance to earn its bread while it

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<v Speaker 1>is waiting for something to do. But now, just listen

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<v Speaker 1>the moment. Just let me give you an idea of

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<v Speaker 1>what we old veterans of commerce call business. Here's the

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<v Speaker 1>Rothschild's proposition. This is between you and me. You understand.

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<v Speaker 1>Washington nodded three or four times impatiently, and his glowing

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<v Speaker 1>eyes said, yes, yes, hurry, I understand, for I wouldn't

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<v Speaker 1>have it get out for a fortune. They want me

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<v Speaker 1>to go in with them on the sly. Agent was

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<v Speaker 1>here two weeks ago about it. Go in on the Sly,

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<v Speaker 1>voiced down to an impressive whisper, now and buy up

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<v Speaker 1>a hundred and thirteen wildcat banks in Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, Illinois,

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<v Speaker 1>and Missouri. Notes of these banks are at all sorts

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<v Speaker 1>of discount. Now average discount of the hundred and thirteen

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<v Speaker 1>is forty four percent. Buy them all up, you see,

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<v Speaker 1>and then all of a sudden, let the cat out

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<v Speaker 1>of the bag. Whiz. The stock of every one of

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<v Speaker 1>those wildcats would spin up to a tremendous premium before

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<v Speaker 1>you could turn a handspring profit on the speculation, not

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<v Speaker 1>a dollar less than forty millions. An eloquent pause while

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<v Speaker 1>the marvelous vision settled into W's focus. Where's your hogs? Now? Why,

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<v Speaker 1>my dear innocent boy, we would just sit down on

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<v Speaker 1>the front doorstep and peddle banks like Lucifer Matches. Washington

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<v Speaker 1>finally got his breath and said, oh, it is perfectly wonderful.

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<v Speaker 1>Why couldn't these things have happened in Father's day? And

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<v Speaker 1>I it's of no use. They simply lie before my

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<v Speaker 1>face and mock me. There is nothing for me but

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<v Speaker 1>to stand helpless and see other people reap the astonishing harvest.

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<v Speaker 1>Never mind, Washington, don't you worry. I'll fix you. There's

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<v Speaker 1>plenty of chances. How much money have you got in

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<v Speaker 1>the presence of so many millions? Washington could not keep

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<v Speaker 1>from blushing when he had to confess that he had

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<v Speaker 1>but eighteen dollars in the world. Well, all right, don't despair.

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<v Speaker 1>Other people have been obliged to begin with less. I

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<v Speaker 1>have a small idea that may develop into something for us.

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<v Speaker 1>Both all in good time, keep your money close and

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<v Speaker 1>add to it. I'll make it breed. I've been experimenting

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<v Speaker 1>to pass away the time on a little preparation for

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<v Speaker 1>curing sore eyes, a kind of decoction nine tenths water

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<v Speaker 1>and the other tenth drugs that don't cost more than

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<v Speaker 1>a dollar a barrel. I'm still experimenting. There's one ingredient

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<v Speaker 1>wanted yet to perfect the thing, and somehow I can't

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<v Speaker 1>just manage to hit upon the thing that's necessary. And

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<v Speaker 1>I don't dare talk with a chemist, of course, but

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<v Speaker 1>I'm progressing, and before many weeks, I wager the country

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<v Speaker 1>will ring with the name of Bariah Cellar's Infallible Imperial

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<v Speaker 1>Oriental Optic Lineament and Salvation for sore eyes, the medical

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<v Speaker 1>wonder of the age. Small bottles fifty cents, large ones

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<v Speaker 1>a dollar average cost five and seven cents for the

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<v Speaker 1>two sizes. The first year or cells, say ten thousand

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<v Speaker 1>bottles in Missouri seven thousand in Iowa, three thousand in Arkansas,

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<v Speaker 1>four thousand in Kentucky, six thousand in Illinois, and say

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<v Speaker 1>twenty five thousand in the rest of the country. Total

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<v Speaker 1>fifty five thousand bottles profit clear of all expenses, twenty

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<v Speaker 1>thousand dollars. At the very lowest calculation, all the capital

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<v Speaker 1>needed is to manufacture the first two thh thousand bottles,

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<v Speaker 1>say one hundred and fifty dollars, and then the money

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<v Speaker 1>would begin to flow. In the second year, sales would

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<v Speaker 1>reach two hundred thousand bottles clear profits say seventy five

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<v Speaker 1>thousand dollars, and in the meantime, the great factory would

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<v Speaker 1>be building in Saint Louis, to cost, say one hundred

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<v Speaker 1>thousand dollars. The third year, we could easily sell a

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<v Speaker 1>million bottles in the United States, And oh splendid, said Washington.

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<v Speaker 1>Let's commence right away. Let's one million bottles in the

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<v Speaker 1>United States profit at least three hundred and fifty thousand,

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<v Speaker 1>and then it would begin to be time to turn

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<v Speaker 1>our attention toward the real idea of the business. The

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<v Speaker 1>real idea of it ain't three hundred and fifty thousand

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<v Speaker 1>dollars a year, A pretty real stuff. Why what an

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<v Speaker 1>infant you are, Washington? What a guileless, short sighted, easily

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<v Speaker 1>contented innocent you are? My poor little country bread know nothing?

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<v Speaker 1>Would I go to all that trouble and bother for

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<v Speaker 1>the poor crumbs a body might pick up in this country?

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<v Speaker 1>Now do I look like a man who does? My

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<v Speaker 1>history suggest that I am a man who deals in trifles,

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<v Speaker 1>contents himself with the narrow horizon that hems in the

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<v Speaker 1>common herd sees no further than the end of his nose.

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<v Speaker 1>Now you know that that is not me. Couldn't be me.

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<v Speaker 1>You ought to know that if I throw my time

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<v Speaker 1>and abilities into a patent medicine, it's a patent medicine

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<v Speaker 1>whose field of operations is the solid earth, its clients,

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<v Speaker 1>the swarming nations that inhabit it. Why what is the

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<v Speaker 1>Republic of America for an eye water country? Lord, bless you?

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<v Speaker 1>It is nothing but a barren highway that you've got

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<v Speaker 1>to cross to get to the true eye water market.

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<v Speaker 1>Why Washington. In the Oriental countries, people swarm like the

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<v Speaker 1>sands of the desert. Every square mile of ground upholds

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<v Speaker 1>its thousands upon thousands of struggling human creatures and every

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<v Speaker 1>separate and individual devil of them's got the ophthalmia. It's

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<v Speaker 1>as natural to them as noses are and sin. It's

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<v Speaker 1>born with them, it stays with them. It's all that

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<v Speaker 1>some of them have left when they die. Three years

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<v Speaker 1>of introductory trade in the Orient, and what will be

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<v Speaker 1>the result. Why our headquarters would be in Constantinople, and

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<v Speaker 1>our hind quarters in further India. Factories and warehouses in Cairo, Ispahan, Baghdad, Damascus, Jerusalem, Yedo, Pei,

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<v Speaker 1>king Bangkok, Delhi, Bombay, and Calcutta. Annual income well, God

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<v Speaker 1>only knows how many millions and millions apiece. Washington was

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<v Speaker 1>so dazed, so bewildered. His heart and his eyes had

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<v Speaker 1>wandered so far away among the strange lands beyond the seas,

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<v Speaker 1>and such avalanches of coin and currency had fluttered and

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<v Speaker 1>jingled confusedly down before him, that he was now as

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<v Speaker 1>one who has been whirling round and round for a time,

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<v Speaker 1>and stopping all at once finds his surroundings still whirling,

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<v Speaker 1>and all objects a dancing chaos. However, little by little,

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<v Speaker 1>the seller's family cooled down and crystallized into shape, and

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<v Speaker 1>the poor room lost its glitter and resumed its poverty.

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<v Speaker 1>Then the youth found his voice and begged sellers to

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<v Speaker 1>drop everything and hurry up the Eyewater. And he got

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<v Speaker 1>his eighteen dollars and tried to force it upon the colonel.

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<v Speaker 1>Pleaded with him to take it, implored him to do it,

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<v Speaker 1>but the colonel would not, said he would not need

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<v Speaker 1>the capital. In his native magnificent way, he called that

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<v Speaker 1>eighteen dollars capital till the Eyewater was an accomplished fact.

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<v Speaker 1>He made Washington easy in his mind, though, by promising

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<v Speaker 1>that he would call for it just as soon as

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<v Speaker 1>the invention was finished. And he added the glad tidings

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<v Speaker 1>that nobody but just they too, should be admitted to

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<v Speaker 1>a share in the speculation. When Washington left the breakfast table,

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<v Speaker 1>he could have worshiped that man. Washington was one of

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<v Speaker 1>that kind of people whose hopes are in the very

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<v Speaker 1>clouds one day and in the gutter the next. He

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<v Speaker 1>walked on air. Now the colonel was ready to take

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<v Speaker 1>him around and introduced him to the employment he had

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<v Speaker 1>found for him. But Washington begged for a few moments

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<v Speaker 1>in which to write home with his kind of people,

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<v Speaker 1>to ride to day's new interest to death and put

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<v Speaker 1>off yesterday's till another time is nature itself. He ran

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<v Speaker 1>upstairs and wrote glowingly enthusiastically to his mother about the

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<v Speaker 1>hogs and the corn, the banks and the eye water,

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<v Speaker 1>and added a few inconsequential millions to each project. And

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<v Speaker 1>he said that people little dreamed what a man Colonel

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<v Speaker 1>Sellers was, and that the world would open its eyes

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<v Speaker 1>when it found out. And he closed his letter thus,

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<v Speaker 1>so make yourself perfectly easy, mother. In a little while

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<v Speaker 1>you shall have everything you want and more. And I

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<v Speaker 1>am not likely to stint you in anything. I fancy.

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<v Speaker 1>This money will not be for me alone, but for

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<v Speaker 1>all of us. I want all to share alike, and

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<v Speaker 1>there is going to be far more for each than

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<v Speaker 1>one person can spend. Break it to father cautiously. You

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<v Speaker 1>understand the need of that. Break it to him cautiously,

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<v Speaker 1>for he has had such cruel, hard fortune, and is

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<v Speaker 1>so stricken by it, that great good news might prostrate

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<v Speaker 1>him more surely than even bad. For he is used

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<v Speaker 1>to the bad, but is grown sadly and accustomed to

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<v Speaker 1>the other. Tell Laura, tell all the children, and write

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<v Speaker 1>to Clay about it. If he is not with you yet,

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<v Speaker 1>you may tell Clay that whatever I get he can

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<v Speaker 1>freely share in freely. He knows that that is true.

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<v Speaker 1>There will be no need that I should swear to

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<v Speaker 1>that to make him believe it. Good Bye, and mind

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<v Speaker 1>what I say, rest perfectly, easy one and all of you,

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<v Speaker 1>for our troubles are nearly at an end. Poor lad

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<v Speaker 1>he could not know that his mother would cry some loving,

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<v Speaker 1>compassionate tears over his letter and put off the family

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<v Speaker 1>with a synopsis of its contents, which conveyed a deal

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<v Speaker 1>of love to them, but not much idea of his

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<v Speaker 1>prospects or projects. And he never dreamed that such a

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<v Speaker 1>joyful letter could sadden her and fill her night with

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<v Speaker 1>sighs and troubled thoughts and bodings of the future, instead

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<v Speaker 1>of filling it with peace and blessing it with RESTful sleep.

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<v Speaker 1>When the letter was done, Washington and the Colonel sallied forth,

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<v Speaker 1>and as they walked along, Washington learned what he was

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<v Speaker 1>to be. He was to be a clerk in a

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<v Speaker 1>real estate office. Instantly, the fickle youth's dreams forsook the

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<v Speaker 1>magic eye water and flew back to the Tennessee Land

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<v Speaker 1>and the gorgeous possibilities of that great domain. Straightway began

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<v Speaker 1>to occupy his imagination to such a degree that he

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<v Speaker 1>could scarcely manage to keep even enough of his attention

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<v Speaker 1>upon the colonel's talk to retain the general run of

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<v Speaker 1>what he was saying. He was glad it was a

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<v Speaker 1>real estate office. He was a made man, now sure.

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<v Speaker 1>The colonel said that General Boswell was a rich man

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<v Speaker 1>and had a good and growing business, and that Washington's

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<v Speaker 1>work would be light, and he would get forty dollars

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<v Speaker 1>a month and be boarded and lodged in the General's family,

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<v Speaker 1>which was as good as ten dollars more, and even better,

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<v Speaker 1>for he could not live as well even at the

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<v Speaker 1>city hotel as he would there, And yet the hotel

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<v Speaker 1>charged fifteen dollars a month, where a man had a

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<v Speaker 1>good room. General Boswell was in his office, a comfortable

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<v Speaker 1>looking place with plenty of outline maps hanging about the

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<v Speaker 1>walls and in the windows, and a spectacled man was

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<v Speaker 1>marking out another one on a long table. The office

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<v Speaker 1>was in the Principal Street. The General received Washington with

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<v Speaker 1>a kindly but reserved politeness. Washington rather liked his looks.

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<v Speaker 1>He was about fifty years old, dignified Well preserved and

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<v Speaker 1>well dressed. After the colonel took his leave, the General

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<v Speaker 1>talked a while with Washington, his talk consisting chiefly of

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<v Speaker 1>instructions about the clerical duties of the place. He seemed

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<v Speaker 1>satisfied as to washington sensibility to take care of the books.

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<v Speaker 1>He was evidently a pretty fair theoretical bookkeeper, and experience

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<v Speaker 1>would soon harden theory into practice. By and by dinner

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<v Speaker 1>time came, and the two walked to the general's house.

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<v Speaker 1>And now Washington noticed an instinct in himself that moved

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<v Speaker 1>him to keep not in the general's rear exactly, but

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<v Speaker 1>yet not at his side. Somehow, the old gentleman's dignity

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<v Speaker 1>and reserve did not inspire familiarity. End of Chapter eight