WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.440 Saturday morning in our neighborhood cafe, always as a way 2 00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:11.279 of amplifying whatever mood you bring in. Sunshine poured across 3 00:00:11.320 --> 00:00:14.480 polished tables and caught the laughter of the week end crowd, 4 00:00:14.919 --> 00:00:18.359 everything amplified by the scent of espresso and cinnamon pastries. 5 00:00:18.920 --> 00:00:21.600 I sat by the window, my phone propped up against 6 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:24.960 a chipped ceramic sugar bowl, pretending to be productive with 7 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:28.800 a half open Google dock. Across from me, a chair 8 00:00:28.839 --> 00:00:32.520 sat empty except for Eric's flannel jacket, which I tossed 9 00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:36.359 over it out of habit. He texted again ten minutes ago, 10 00:00:36.799 --> 00:00:41.280 running late, club went long, Promise be there soon. My 11 00:00:41.359 --> 00:00:44.600 coffee was lukewarm, a pale ring framed in the mug. 12 00:00:45.119 --> 00:00:48.520 I swirled it, watching bubbles form and fade, the way 13 00:00:48.520 --> 00:00:51.039 I often did when I felt a certain kind of waiting, 14 00:00:51.399 --> 00:00:55.560 the difference between patients and expectation. The cafe was full 15 00:00:55.600 --> 00:00:59.240 of couples, the pair at the next table flirting over pastries, 16 00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:03.280 the older couple debating crossword answers, even two people in 17 00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:08.319 jim gear. Flushed and glowing. Weekends were our time, or 18 00:01:08.359 --> 00:01:10.719 at least that's how I mark them in my mind. 19 00:01:10.879 --> 00:01:14.280 If I made the right reservation, imagined the right brunch. 20 00:01:14.879 --> 00:01:17.640 Eric would slip into that space, and I'd feel the 21 00:01:17.680 --> 00:01:21.760 world line up neatly again. He d promised a lazy 22 00:01:21.799 --> 00:01:25.719 morning together all week after Saturday's run. I'm all yours. 23 00:01:26.079 --> 00:01:29.000 Let's not plan to see where the day goes. Okay, 24 00:01:29.480 --> 00:01:32.359 I'd blocked off three hopeful hours on our shared calendar, 25 00:01:32.599 --> 00:01:35.640 written a reminder in mine with a stupid heart emoji. 26 00:01:36.040 --> 00:01:38.799 That was how I worked. Put it in writing, Maybe 27 00:01:38.799 --> 00:01:43.079 make it real. The door swung wide, the early rush 28 00:01:43.159 --> 00:01:47.159 replaced by yoga leggings and jim bags and in strode Tara, 29 00:01:47.560 --> 00:01:49.920 one of those people who always greets you like she's 30 00:01:49.959 --> 00:01:53.480 half way through a great story. She spotted me before 31 00:01:53.519 --> 00:01:58.040 I could look distracted. Oh hey, brunch date, She cocked 32 00:01:58.040 --> 00:02:01.760 an eyebrow, squeezing between chairs. Tara and I floated in 33 00:02:01.799 --> 00:02:05.599 the same friend group, joined at barbecues, planned hikes together, 34 00:02:05.920 --> 00:02:10.400 shared gossip by osmosis. I'm waiting for Eric He's I 35 00:02:10.479 --> 00:02:15.719 flicked my phone screen, running late. Literally, She smirked, you're 36 00:02:15.759 --> 00:02:18.599 a saint, you know that he must do what twenty 37 00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:22.840 miles every Saturday. At this point I gave the practiced smile. 38 00:02:23.120 --> 00:02:27.039 I'd adopted for justifying Eric's schedule. It keeps him sane. 39 00:02:27.240 --> 00:02:31.360 I think Tara rifled through her bag digging for gum. 40 00:02:31.919 --> 00:02:34.680 Weird though I never see Eric at the club runs. 41 00:02:35.120 --> 00:02:38.240 She tossed the gum into her mouth. I run past 42 00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:40.840 their start at eight every week, and he's never there 43 00:02:40.879 --> 00:02:44.639 when I finish. Isn't that when he goes? The hum 44 00:02:44.680 --> 00:02:47.840 of the cafe seemed to sharpen around me, sounds rising 45 00:02:47.960 --> 00:02:50.800 like feedback in the back of my head. I shrugged, 46 00:02:50.960 --> 00:02:54.639 studded the table. Maybe he joins later or runs a 47 00:02:54.680 --> 00:02:58.240 different route. You know, Eric, he likes doing his own thing. 48 00:02:59.360 --> 00:03:02.879 She was already looking at the clock. Probably anyway, I'll 49 00:03:02.879 --> 00:03:06.159 see you later for movie night. Yeah, I nodded, smiled 50 00:03:06.159 --> 00:03:08.719 a little too brightly, and she swept out with her 51 00:03:08.759 --> 00:03:13.159 mat and energy gust in her wake. I sat back, still, 52 00:03:13.199 --> 00:03:16.479 staring at the strip of text on my phone running late, 53 00:03:16.680 --> 00:03:20.840 club went long. That was Eric's typical Saturday script, something 54 00:03:20.879 --> 00:03:24.080 I'd never questioned because it fit a run the after 55 00:03:24.120 --> 00:03:28.240 glow brunch. All his routines had become invisible background music 56 00:03:28.280 --> 00:03:31.039 to my own planning. But now that Tara said it, 57 00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:34.240 the whole story clunked in my head not quite fitting. 58 00:03:35.240 --> 00:03:38.319 Why was someone genuinely social like Eric, never at the 59 00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:42.280 club runs, never in the group photos they posted online, 60 00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:45.680 always slipping in if he was there at all. After 61 00:03:45.759 --> 00:03:50.599 everything had ended, my hands were cold, coffee abandoned. Was 62 00:03:50.599 --> 00:03:53.120 this the kind of thing you noticed because you missed someone, 63 00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:56.319 or because deep down you suspected them. I spent a 64 00:03:56.319 --> 00:03:59.960 few minutes scrolling back through old messages, streaks of green 65 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:04.000 bubbles from Eric, light on detail, full of energy. See 66 00:04:04.039 --> 00:04:08.560 you soon crushed it, quass us in coming. I tried 67 00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:11.280 to shake it off. Maybe I was just being paranoid. 68 00:04:11.479 --> 00:04:13.879 We had a good thing, didn't we. But as I 69 00:04:13.960 --> 00:04:17.800 left the cafe some time later, Eric finally texting, just 70 00:04:17.879 --> 00:04:20.720 wrapping up, go ahead and order me whatever you like. 71 00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:23.639 A subtle sense of our knees stuck to my ribs. 72 00:04:23.959 --> 00:04:26.439 I didn't bring it up when he finally arrived. I 73 00:04:26.480 --> 00:04:28.920 didn't want to pick a fight over something so small. 74 00:04:29.959 --> 00:04:34.480 But I started watching, quietly, rewinding our routines, flicking through 75 00:04:34.560 --> 00:04:38.199 recent saturdays in my mind, searching for holes I hadn't 76 00:04:38.240 --> 00:04:43.120 realized were there. Memory pulls with a kind of gravitational force. 77 00:04:43.639 --> 00:04:48.160 Once you start massaging the facts, details shake loose changing shape. 78 00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:52.000 In the light of suspicion, I caught myself replaying the beginning, 79 00:04:52.439 --> 00:04:55.160 how easy it had always been to trust Eric, to 80 00:04:55.279 --> 00:04:59.519 let his endless curiosity and refusal to settle infect our days. 81 00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:03.319 When we first met, it was a dinner party, one 82 00:05:03.319 --> 00:05:07.439 of those large mismatched gatherings in some one's half unpacked apartment. 83 00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:10.800 I'd sat to his left, trying to avoid whoever was 84 00:05:10.839 --> 00:05:14.560 talking about Bitcoen investments on the right. Eric had a 85 00:05:14.600 --> 00:05:17.360 way of asking questions that made you feel like your 86 00:05:17.399 --> 00:05:22.439 answers mattered, Drawn forward by his delighted energy. In those 87 00:05:22.480 --> 00:05:26.720 early days, everything was an adventure, Racing for last minute 88 00:05:26.720 --> 00:05:30.959 movie tickets, walking home in the rain just because spontaneous 89 00:05:31.000 --> 00:05:34.199 week ends out of town, because we'll get more stories 90 00:05:34.240 --> 00:05:38.079 if we don't overthink it. But behind his velocity I 91 00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:41.800 recognized something I envied, a lack of fear around the unknown, 92 00:05:41.959 --> 00:05:45.160 the unplanned. I was the opposite. I owned a color 93 00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:48.959 coded planner before color coding was cool. Our apartment was 94 00:05:49.000 --> 00:05:51.959 a monument to our differences. My tidy rows of herb 95 00:05:52.079 --> 00:05:55.040 jars lined up in the kitchen, his strings of festival 96 00:05:55.079 --> 00:05:59.680 wristbands draped over the bookshelf, Our competing calendars, scribbled everywhere, 97 00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:03.959 but mostly it worked. Life got busier as we both 98 00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:07.560 moved up in our fields. Eric the tech project manager, 99 00:06:07.800 --> 00:06:10.800 trailing Slack messages and new app sign ups in his wake, 100 00:06:11.480 --> 00:06:15.319 Me running communications for a non profit. My world ruled 101 00:06:15.360 --> 00:06:18.399 by meetings and event dates. Even when we were together, 102 00:06:18.680 --> 00:06:23.399 we were multitasking, wine glasses on the balcony, laptops between us, 103 00:06:23.600 --> 00:06:28.120 sharing funny emails and winks over deadlines. The difference was 104 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:31.680 that back then we felt like a team, always recapping, 105 00:06:32.040 --> 00:06:35.920 always finding each other again after the noise. Our friend 106 00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:39.079 groups overlapped, but didn't merge completely. He was the center 107 00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:42.680 of every social plan, always orchestrating after work drinks or 108 00:06:42.800 --> 00:06:45.959 urban hikes, while I preferred quieter one on one catch ups. 109 00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:50.040 We kept Sunday nights sacred, no matter what, ordering take out, 110 00:06:50.279 --> 00:06:53.920 reliving our week ends together, no phones allowed. The running 111 00:06:53.920 --> 00:06:56.680 club was his addition two years ago, after he'd spent 112 00:06:56.759 --> 00:07:00.560 too many weeks complaining about burnout. I need my own thing, 113 00:07:00.879 --> 00:07:04.959 he'd said, brightly, and I'd agreed. He'd even teased my 114 00:07:05.199 --> 00:07:08.720 calendar addiction, promising he'd put his runs in so i'd 115 00:07:08.720 --> 00:07:11.879 never double book him. The thing that scared us. Most 116 00:07:12.199 --> 00:07:15.199 was settling into a life too predictable to feel alive. 117 00:07:16.279 --> 00:07:18.839 But there were signs. I realized that we'd let the 118 00:07:18.879 --> 00:07:23.279 business steal our attention, trimming back on dates, sometimes even 119 00:07:23.319 --> 00:07:27.199 forgetting our Sunday ritual. In the moment, it felt like 120 00:07:27.279 --> 00:07:31.879 growing up, not drifting apart. After Tara's off hand comment, 121 00:07:32.199 --> 00:07:35.480 I started to see details differently. That night, I did 122 00:07:35.519 --> 00:07:39.000 the laundry, sorting our mixed heap of athletic wear. I 123 00:07:39.040 --> 00:07:42.279 remembered Eric coming home last Saturday, claiming he'd been caught 124 00:07:42.319 --> 00:07:45.360 in the rain during his run, his cheeks flushed, hair damp. 125 00:07:45.720 --> 00:07:48.480 But when I pulled out his running shoes, my hands stilled. 126 00:07:48.839 --> 00:07:52.639 They were spotless, barely even scuffed, no soggy laces, no 127 00:07:52.839 --> 00:07:57.040 caked mud, just faintly smelling of new rubber. I chalked 128 00:07:57.040 --> 00:07:59.879 it up to memory. He must clean them after every run, 129 00:08:00.040 --> 00:08:04.079 I thought, or maybe he'd worn an old pear last week. Still, 130 00:08:04.360 --> 00:08:07.519 as I folded his bright white Strava branded T shirt, 131 00:08:07.800 --> 00:08:09.759 the one he'd picked up at a half marathon the 132 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:13.920 year before, I noticed the synthetic texture felt stiff, like 133 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:16.759 it hadn't been through a wash cycle. He'd claimed to 134 00:08:16.759 --> 00:08:19.839 have worn it just that morning. Was I looking for 135 00:08:19.920 --> 00:08:23.600 meaning in jim clothes? Now? I caught myself half laughing, 136 00:08:23.959 --> 00:08:26.720 emptied the rest of the hamper, and forced myself to 137 00:08:26.800 --> 00:08:31.000 change focus. But something stuck. The next day, in the 138 00:08:31.079 --> 00:08:34.159 quiet between meetings during my lunch break, I opened the 139 00:08:34.200 --> 00:08:36.919 Strava app on my phone. Eric had made a show 140 00:08:36.919 --> 00:08:39.879 of connecting it to our fitness watches, always pleased at 141 00:08:39.879 --> 00:08:44.200 the endorphin spikes it logged only now. Navigating to his profile, 142 00:08:44.480 --> 00:08:47.759 I found almost nothing, just a couple of short Wednesday 143 00:08:47.840 --> 00:08:51.879 evening jogs, no Saturday activity in the past month. Maybe 144 00:08:51.879 --> 00:08:54.679 he'd stopped uploading, or maybe there was an issue with 145 00:08:54.759 --> 00:08:59.159 his account, or maybe he was using another tracker for privacy. 146 00:08:59.519 --> 00:09:03.159 Did Peep do that? I checked his privacy settings. The 147 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:07.519 account wasn't hidden from friends. I closed the app. My 148 00:09:07.639 --> 00:09:11.200 head buzzed with unease. Maybe Tara just never ran into 149 00:09:11.279 --> 00:09:14.919 him because their times didn't line up. Not everything required 150 00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:19.440 an explanation. He deserved privacy, didn't he? And yet the 151 00:09:19.480 --> 00:09:21.799 details looped in my head the rest of the day. 152 00:09:22.879 --> 00:09:26.000 By dinner time, I chided myself for doubt. We've been 153 00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:29.600 stressed both a little distant lately. Maybe I was just 154 00:09:29.639 --> 00:09:32.960 making something into more than It was a reflex, not 155 00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:36.720 a red flag. That night, as we cleaned up after 156 00:09:36.759 --> 00:09:40.279 a quick pasta dinner, I reached for lightness, aiming for 157 00:09:40.399 --> 00:09:44.200 casual curiosity to bridge us back to each other. So 158 00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:47.440 Tara ran into me at the cafe yesterday. She says 159 00:09:47.480 --> 00:09:50.000 she never sees you at the club runs, even though 160 00:09:50.039 --> 00:09:54.399 she's there every week. I tried for playful rather than accusatory. 161 00:09:55.559 --> 00:09:59.879 Eric snorted, scraping plates. Yeah, Tara likes to clock everyone, 162 00:10:00.039 --> 00:10:03.440 doesn't she He didn't quite meet my eyes. I usually 163 00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:06.919 just run the second leg alone. It's less chaotic. I 164 00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:09.480 catch up at the end for a coffee, bit of space, 165 00:10:09.559 --> 00:10:12.240 you know, I like clearing my head before the crowd. 166 00:10:13.360 --> 00:10:16.080 He smiled, then warm, as if he just told a 167 00:10:16.120 --> 00:10:20.360 cute secret. He leaned close, nudging me. Next time, I'll 168 00:10:20.399 --> 00:10:25.399 text her my GPS coordinates. I almost laughed. The story 169 00:10:25.440 --> 00:10:29.279 made sense. Maybe he really did find group running too social. 170 00:10:29.639 --> 00:10:34.039 I let myself relax, the tension fading, reassured by his affection, 171 00:10:35.200 --> 00:10:39.080 except at Jamie's birthday the following Saturday, a stray comment 172 00:10:39.240 --> 00:10:42.799 reset my nerves. We de split off into our predictable 173 00:10:42.840 --> 00:10:46.320 clusters at the brewery, Eric holding court with Mason and 174 00:10:46.360 --> 00:10:48.879 a few new faces, Me catching up at the other 175 00:10:49.000 --> 00:10:52.320 end of the long table. At some point, the group's 176 00:10:52.360 --> 00:10:55.679 laughter rose around a joke about Eric's quass our addiction 177 00:10:56.840 --> 00:11:01.440 recovering at Augustine every Saturday. Jamie teased the bowgiest post 178 00:11:01.480 --> 00:11:05.840 run ever. I looked up, Where's Augustin? Is that the 179 00:11:05.879 --> 00:11:09.879 bakery out by the canal. Eric fielded the question with 180 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:13.200 the quick, defensive lightness I'd sometimes seen when I tried 181 00:11:13.240 --> 00:11:16.399 to plan ahead for him. Just another hang out spot 182 00:11:16.840 --> 00:11:20.919 Saturday treat. He shrugged, but his smile froze too long. 183 00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:23.480 The group moved on, but I caught the way he 184 00:11:23.600 --> 00:11:26.159 kept glancing at me, as if to see whether I'd 185 00:11:26.200 --> 00:11:30.480 remember any details he'd forgotten to share. Later that evening, 186 00:11:30.720 --> 00:11:33.679 as we paid our respective shares and ewbered home, I 187 00:11:33.799 --> 00:11:37.679 tucked away the name Cafe Augustin, turning it over in 188 00:11:37.759 --> 00:11:41.000 my mind. I couldn't recall Eric ever mentioning it in 189 00:11:41.080 --> 00:11:43.639 our weekly catch ups, and it wasn't on any of 190 00:11:43.679 --> 00:11:48.519 our favorite cafe lists, odd for someone who obsessively cataloged 191 00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:52.200 the best flat whites in the city. The next morning, 192 00:11:52.440 --> 00:11:55.519 after Eric left early again, for his run. I curled 193 00:11:55.600 --> 00:11:58.799 up with my laptop and waited for his payment notification, 194 00:11:59.399 --> 00:12:03.039 something I'd usually ignore, except part of me was already 195 00:12:03.120 --> 00:12:07.000 searching for a bread crumb. Sure enough, our joint account 196 00:12:07.039 --> 00:12:11.360 reflected a steady trickle of small charges dollar nine fifty 197 00:12:11.559 --> 00:12:15.080 twelve dollars and twenty cents, fourteen dollars and seventy five 198 00:12:15.159 --> 00:12:19.279 cents every Saturday, always different locations, none of them along 199 00:12:19.320 --> 00:12:22.159 the river path where the running club kept their routine, 200 00:12:22.799 --> 00:12:26.879 One for Augustine Cafe, another for north Side Roasters, a 201 00:12:26.919 --> 00:12:30.559 couple even further out, near the art district. I put 202 00:12:30.559 --> 00:12:34.720 together a mental map, noticing the triangle, none close to 203 00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:37.200 either of our usual haunts, not on the way to 204 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:42.399 the park, impossible to explain away as random. I hesitated, 205 00:12:42.720 --> 00:12:45.240 not wanting to become the sort of person who suspects 206 00:12:45.279 --> 00:12:49.600 their partner of a major deception based on a cafe receipt. Still, 207 00:12:49.919 --> 00:12:53.799 I kept the spreadsheet open, fingers hovering. Maybe I could 208 00:12:53.799 --> 00:12:56.720 surprise him one week, join for a run and make 209 00:12:56.759 --> 00:13:01.159 it a date spur of the moment, like him. That afternoon, 210 00:13:01.480 --> 00:13:03.720 I tossed the idea at him while we picked through 211 00:13:03.799 --> 00:13:07.200 lunch prep. You know I've been thinking about joining you 212 00:13:07.279 --> 00:13:10.320 for a run. I could start slow and meet your group. 213 00:13:11.320 --> 00:13:13.639 He didn't look up from the avocado he was slicing. 214 00:13:14.080 --> 00:13:17.480 You wouldn't like the pace. Honestly, this crew is intense. 215 00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:21.519 Maybe when the weather cools down. He changed the subject 216 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:25.039 before I could answer, asking about my friend Sam's new job, 217 00:13:25.360 --> 00:13:29.240 doubling down on praise for how organized I was. It 218 00:13:29.320 --> 00:13:32.919 felt more like being strategically redirected than comforted, but I 219 00:13:33.000 --> 00:13:37.519 laughed along anyway. Still, each Saturday, our routines drifted more 220 00:13:37.519 --> 00:13:40.639 and more apart. When I suggested we take a Sunday hike, 221 00:13:40.919 --> 00:13:45.080 he hedged, still tired from yesterday, Babe. Dinner plans met 222 00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:48.120 with claims of just want to stay in. I reasoned 223 00:13:48.120 --> 00:13:50.799 he was stressed, maybe on the edge of burnout again. 224 00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:54.480 I tried to share my unease with my sister Brionni 225 00:13:54.559 --> 00:13:58.600 over face time one evening. She listened, eyebrows pinched together. 226 00:13:59.159 --> 00:14:01.879 Maybe he's just going through a weird phase at work. 227 00:14:02.279 --> 00:14:05.600 Haven't you two both been slammed lately? She leaned toward 228 00:14:05.639 --> 00:14:10.120 the camera. You know what he's like, runs away from stress, literally. 229 00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:14.320 I nodded, relieved to have my own doubts echoed back 230 00:14:14.360 --> 00:14:18.279 as something ordinary, not ominous. For a few days, it 231 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:20.720 was easier to let the issue go and believe that 232 00:14:20.840 --> 00:14:23.679 was all there was to it. But the next time 233 00:14:23.679 --> 00:14:26.120 I saw Eric among our friends at one of those 234 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:29.559 group hikes that drew a big crowd, the dynamic had shifted. 235 00:14:30.120 --> 00:14:33.720 He was restless, half listening his phone, barely leaving his 236 00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:37.399 hand as someone cracked a joke about how Eric's legs 237 00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:41.279 must be insured. He grinned distractedly, then slipped off the 238 00:14:41.320 --> 00:14:45.600 main path, muttering about taking a call for work. By 239 00:14:45.639 --> 00:14:47.639 the time we made it back to the trailhead an 240 00:14:47.639 --> 00:14:51.919 hour later, he disappeared, later texting me an apologetic sorry, 241 00:14:52.320 --> 00:14:55.679 needed to jump on a client call. Didn't mean to bail. 242 00:14:56.799 --> 00:14:59.399 I brushed off my annoyance in the moment, but later 243 00:14:59.559 --> 00:15:02.960 it came why was he always at arm's length these days, 244 00:15:03.320 --> 00:15:06.360 unable to relax into a plan, especially when I was 245 00:15:06.399 --> 00:15:10.000 around other people We both knew. My arguments with myself 246 00:15:10.039 --> 00:15:14.519 grew louder. He deserves space versus I deserve honesty. The 247 00:15:14.600 --> 00:15:19.000 line between the too narrow and slippery. Midweek, I tried 248 00:15:19.000 --> 00:15:23.720 a new tactic, honest, direct conversation. I decided to talk 249 00:15:23.759 --> 00:15:26.519 to him that night. After we finished grilling take out 250 00:15:26.559 --> 00:15:29.480 burghers on the balcony, staying away from the edge of 251 00:15:29.480 --> 00:15:33.960 accusation and instead focusing on how I missed him. We 252 00:15:34.039 --> 00:15:37.240 cleared plates and stood close, the city lights behind him 253 00:15:37.240 --> 00:15:40.960 blurring the sharp angles of his face. Can I ask something? 254 00:15:41.279 --> 00:15:43.600 I traced a finger along the edge of the countertop, 255 00:15:43.840 --> 00:15:47.799 trying to keep my voice steady. It s felt off lately. 256 00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:50.960 We hardly see each other on the week ends. Sometimes 257 00:15:51.000 --> 00:15:55.600 I worry You're not yourself. Is everything okay? Eric stared 258 00:15:55.639 --> 00:15:58.639 at the skyline a moment, then down into his empty glass. 259 00:15:59.120 --> 00:16:01.440 After a tense poor he put a hand to his temple, 260 00:16:01.679 --> 00:16:05.200 rubbing there as if drawing out words. Honestly, I haven't 261 00:16:05.240 --> 00:16:07.799 been going to the club as much. I'm kind of struggling. 262 00:16:08.279 --> 00:16:10.879 He met my gaze, and his eyes were red around 263 00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:13.240 the edges, as if from too little sleep or too 264 00:16:13.320 --> 00:16:17.240 much caffeine. Work is a shitch. Sometimes I just need 265 00:16:17.279 --> 00:16:19.200 to get out, but I end up sitting at these 266 00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:22.759 little cafes instead of running. I just don't want you 267 00:16:22.840 --> 00:16:26.679 to worry. I'm figuring it out. It wasn't the answer 268 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:31.320 I'd expected. He sounded more exhausted than defensive. Why didn't 269 00:16:31.360 --> 00:16:35.600 you just say something? I pressed quietly a wry smile. 270 00:16:36.200 --> 00:16:38.960 I dunno. I'm supposed to be the grounded one, right, 271 00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:43.039 your calm, adventurous guy, not the stressed out jerk ghosting 272 00:16:43.080 --> 00:16:48.080 on brunch plans. We drifted closer, his arms winding around me, 273 00:16:48.399 --> 00:16:50.799 a different sort of intimacy than we'd had in weeks. 274 00:16:51.320 --> 00:16:54.639 I brushed his hair back, leaned into the warmth for 275 00:16:54.679 --> 00:16:57.879 the first time in months. We talked earnestly about work, 276 00:16:58.120 --> 00:17:00.879 about missing each other, about how the world had worn 277 00:17:00.919 --> 00:17:04.839 them both thin. I apologized for being so obsessed with scheduling, 278 00:17:05.200 --> 00:17:09.920 for sometimes hiding behind color coded certainty. He squeezed my 279 00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:14.200 hand genuine Let's promise to flag it sooner. Okay, I 280 00:17:14.240 --> 00:17:16.799 want us to be that couple who talks even when 281 00:17:16.799 --> 00:17:21.200 it's ugly. We made plans for the week end. No runs, 282 00:17:21.359 --> 00:17:24.720 no meetings, just the sort of spontaneous time we both 283 00:17:24.799 --> 00:17:28.599 used to crave. I fell asleep in his arms, relief, 284 00:17:28.680 --> 00:17:32.559 warring with residual guilt at having doubted him. But as 285 00:17:32.599 --> 00:17:36.799 often happens with relief real or false, I found myself 286 00:17:36.839 --> 00:17:39.319 once again circling the edges of our knees. A few 287 00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:42.440 days later, I told myself, I owed it to both 288 00:17:42.440 --> 00:17:45.440 of us to accept his version of events. The problem 289 00:17:45.559 --> 00:17:48.839 was that the feeling I was being managed, not confided in, 290 00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:53.359 never quite faded. That Saturday, we kept our agreement for 291 00:17:53.400 --> 00:17:56.440 the weekend together, a breakfast at a new place, a 292 00:17:56.480 --> 00:18:00.000 meandering stroll through the used bookstore, a couple of dumbness 293 00:18:00.039 --> 00:18:03.759 little errands. For a while, things felt right again, like 294 00:18:03.839 --> 00:18:08.079 we'd hit reset. I barely checked my phone. By Sunday, 295 00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:12.119 I decided the matter was closed. But habits and anxiety 296 00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:15.759 worked together to create their own gravity. That following week, 297 00:18:15.960 --> 00:18:18.680 as I was scrolling through Instagram out of boredom, a 298 00:18:18.759 --> 00:18:22.039 photo jolted me out of my reverie, posted by someone 299 00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:25.359 I didn't know, Jess d. According to her handle, was 300 00:18:25.359 --> 00:18:29.359 a photo from Cafe Augustine, a group selfie. Four people 301 00:18:29.440 --> 00:18:33.279 huddled around a table laden with half eaten pastries. Eric 302 00:18:33.400 --> 00:18:36.720 was in the back, arm looped around Jess, grinning down 303 00:18:36.759 --> 00:18:39.920 at her as she half leaned into him. The time 304 00:18:39.960 --> 00:18:43.640 stamp was last Saturday morning, right around the time he'd 305 00:18:43.640 --> 00:18:46.000 claimed to have been meeting me, texting me that he 306 00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:50.839 was running late. My first reaction was confusion. I tried 307 00:18:50.839 --> 00:18:53.440 to explain it away. Maybe it had been an old 308 00:18:53.480 --> 00:18:57.400 photo reposted, but the doughnuts specials in the photo's caption, 309 00:18:57.839 --> 00:19:00.400 I'd seen those signs up at Augustin just a few 310 00:19:00.480 --> 00:19:04.119 days before, when I'd walked past after work. The comments 311 00:19:04.119 --> 00:19:07.400 below were teasing, as if everyone then knew each other well, 312 00:19:07.799 --> 00:19:11.759 inside jokes references to things I'd never heard Eric mention. 313 00:19:12.920 --> 00:19:15.599 I stared at the photo for a long moment, then, 314 00:19:15.960 --> 00:19:19.920 hands shaking, screenshotted it and set about piecing together what 315 00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:23.960 I knew and what I'd merely assumed. Instead of sending 316 00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:27.240 the photo to Eric, I tracked down Tara again, texting 317 00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:30.359 her a casual Hey, is Augustine that new spot your 318 00:19:30.400 --> 00:19:35.640 crew likes? Eric says he's been sometimes. Her reply came quick. Yeah, 319 00:19:35.720 --> 00:19:39.000 it's a cute place. I think he sometimes grabs coffee 320 00:19:39.000 --> 00:19:42.440 there with work people, his new client, the marketing team. 321 00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:46.400 Is there a lot that checked out? Sort of? Eric 322 00:19:46.440 --> 00:19:49.400 had mentioned a new high maintenance client a while ago, 323 00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:53.000 and I remembered him working late or taking calls outside 324 00:19:53.039 --> 00:19:57.039 for what he called client care. Still, there was no 325 00:19:57.200 --> 00:20:00.440 reason he'd never mentioned names. If this was all above board, 326 00:20:00.920 --> 00:20:03.599 and why did he look so comfortable in Jess's orbit 327 00:20:04.039 --> 00:20:07.519 arm around her, so casually I spent the next hour 328 00:20:07.599 --> 00:20:12.000 crawling through Facebook, Instagram, linked In, using every digital trace 329 00:20:12.039 --> 00:20:16.160 I could muster. Jess's profiles were mostly open. There in 330 00:20:16.240 --> 00:20:20.559 public photos, more group events at Augustine, at a rooftop bar, 331 00:20:20.759 --> 00:20:25.319 at a warehouse party, all on Saturday mornings, sometimes afternoons. 332 00:20:25.599 --> 00:20:29.960 For every date, I could recall Eric's running club. In 333 00:20:30.039 --> 00:20:34.440 every image, Eric was present, always beside Jess, sometimes with 334 00:20:34.519 --> 00:20:37.960 an arm around her waist, or sharing a pastry, or 335 00:20:37.960 --> 00:20:41.359 in the background of an apparent inside joke. In no 336 00:20:41.480 --> 00:20:45.680 image was he ever wearing true running gear. The details 337 00:20:45.720 --> 00:20:49.519 began to organize themselves into something larger than chance. The 338 00:20:49.599 --> 00:20:53.000 timeline every Saturday i'd written off as a workout or 339 00:20:53.079 --> 00:20:58.880 solo recovery, carefully managed, systematically explained away, now gathered meaning 340 00:20:58.920 --> 00:21:03.039 that felt like gravity. Sometimes the same friends appeared, but 341 00:21:03.160 --> 00:21:06.920 always it was Eric and Jess at the heart. Past 342 00:21:07.000 --> 00:21:10.880 conversations flashed before me. I remembered him referencing Jess at 343 00:21:10.880 --> 00:21:14.319 some point, presenting her as a client contact on one 344 00:21:14.319 --> 00:21:17.559 of his more stressful project weeks. I remembered the way 345 00:21:17.599 --> 00:21:20.680 he'd excused a late night once by mentioning drinks with 346 00:21:20.759 --> 00:21:24.079 the marketing team, the faintly teasing ring to his voice 347 00:21:24.119 --> 00:21:27.799 when he said Jess's name. She detexted him late. A 348 00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:30.759 few times he'd grinned at something on his phone and 349 00:21:30.759 --> 00:21:34.279 wouldn't let me see. I'd chalked that up to work, 350 00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:37.599 even when it became more frequent, because what else could 351 00:21:37.640 --> 00:21:41.960 it be. The pattern, once seen couldn't be unseen. I 352 00:21:42.039 --> 00:21:46.759 remembered every busy weekend, every shift in intimacy, every small 353 00:21:46.839 --> 00:21:51.160 catch in conversation. With dread building in my chest, I 354 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:55.000 decided to call Eric's closest work friend, Danny. I rehearsed 355 00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:58.319 a breezy pretense. I'm trying to plan a surprise for Eric. 356 00:21:58.720 --> 00:22:00.799 Do you remember which of his works friends was at 357 00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:05.119 Augustine last month? Kind of short, fun bob haircut Jess? 358 00:22:05.160 --> 00:22:09.839 Maybe is she in the client group or Danny was silent. 359 00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:13.920 I could almost picture him, face suddenly animated in my imagination, 360 00:22:14.160 --> 00:22:17.480 brow furrowing. Ah ah, yeah, Jess is in that group. 361 00:22:17.559 --> 00:22:20.519 I guess there are a close bunch. Hey, can I 362 00:22:20.559 --> 00:22:24.039 call you back? Someone's coming into my office. Before I 363 00:22:24.039 --> 00:22:27.400 could say another word, he was gone. That was all 364 00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:31.160 I needed. The discomfort in Danny's short non answer. The 365 00:22:31.279 --> 00:22:35.440 rapid pivot told me more than any photograph. I sat 366 00:22:35.559 --> 00:22:38.960 very still. The spreadsheet of cafe dates beside my notebook, 367 00:22:39.160 --> 00:22:43.799 the Instagram's screenshots opened beside Eric's run logs. The explanations 368 00:22:43.799 --> 00:22:46.359 of stress, of needing space, of a shift in work 369 00:22:46.400 --> 00:22:49.519 life all meant something, just not what I'd been told 370 00:22:50.200 --> 00:22:54.160 all my second guessing, My dutifully balanced compassion with suspicion 371 00:22:54.480 --> 00:22:57.559 had disguised from myself the truth now pressing down like 372 00:22:57.599 --> 00:23:01.039 a migrin. This was not about stress, or a downturn 373 00:23:01.359 --> 00:23:04.680 or a phase. This was about a deeper kind of 374 00:23:04.720 --> 00:23:08.240 absence and a web of Saturday mornings that didn't include me, 375 00:23:08.839 --> 00:23:11.400 and I no longer believed for a second that I 376 00:23:11.519 --> 00:23:15.759 was imagining it. I spent that night oscillating between numbness 377 00:23:15.799 --> 00:23:19.000 and manic energy, pushing myself to disprove what I had seen. 378 00:23:19.039 --> 00:23:22.799 Instead of tumbling headlong into a confirmation spiral. I clicked 379 00:23:22.839 --> 00:23:27.480 through every app where our lives intertwined, old photos, shared playlists, 380 00:23:27.720 --> 00:23:31.079 the calendar he'd teasingly made for our epic summer, all 381 00:23:31.079 --> 00:23:34.599 now blurred by the contamination of doubt. I realized I 382 00:23:34.640 --> 00:23:37.880 was re archiving weeks of my own routines, not trusting 383 00:23:37.920 --> 00:23:41.119 any concrete memory of what had actually happened versus what 384 00:23:41.160 --> 00:23:44.359 I'd been told. It was like learning to read a 385 00:23:44.480 --> 00:23:47.799 language from scratch when I thought I had already mastered, 386 00:23:48.160 --> 00:23:51.319 only to realize I've been mouthing the sounds without ever 387 00:23:51.440 --> 00:23:56.000 understanding their truth. At midnight, I scrolled our joint Google 388 00:23:56.079 --> 00:23:59.400 calendar side by side with the dates of Jess's posts. 389 00:23:59.400 --> 00:24:03.319 Something start to emerge. The overlap was not accidental. For 390 00:24:03.400 --> 00:24:07.759 every run or client breakfast that Eric blocked off so responsibly, 391 00:24:08.119 --> 00:24:10.680 there was some digital trace from Jess or her friends. 392 00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:14.880 Cafe checkins, short videos with Eric's half profel caught in 393 00:24:14.920 --> 00:24:18.759 the blurry background, geotags for every spot he never once 394 00:24:18.880 --> 00:24:22.799 mentioned to me in five years together, the same boutiques 395 00:24:22.839 --> 00:24:25.720 and street art popped up week to week places he'd 396 00:24:25.720 --> 00:24:28.759 never taken me, though he always claimed to love exploring 397 00:24:28.759 --> 00:24:31.240 our city with me, to want to make every week 398 00:24:31.400 --> 00:24:35.920 end fresh fresh for who The phrase scraped something inside me. 399 00:24:36.960 --> 00:24:40.279 The next morning dawned brittle and gray, city noises, starting 400 00:24:40.319 --> 00:24:44.000 even before my alarm. I didn't sleep, not really. I 401 00:24:44.079 --> 00:24:47.400