WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.440 --> 00:00:05.000 Welcome to men, sex and tantra. Discover where your parents, 2 00:00:05.160 --> 00:00:07.599 porn and religion never taught you about being a man 3 00:00:07.599 --> 00:00:11.279 and having extraordinary sex. Get ready to have your mind 4 00:00:11.359 --> 00:00:17.839 blown and your world rocked. Hey, hey, hey, everybody, Tanya 5 00:00:17.879 --> 00:00:21.559 here and today is just going to be me because 6 00:00:21.559 --> 00:00:25.640 I had some thoughts as I've been working with couples 7 00:00:26.399 --> 00:00:32.679 around sex and more importantly, like what women keep saying 8 00:00:33.399 --> 00:00:36.679 about things that seem super confusing to the men that 9 00:00:36.759 --> 00:00:40.479 I work with. So coaching couples, what I do is 10 00:00:40.520 --> 00:00:43.000 I do a session where I talk to them both, 11 00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:45.359 and then I do a session where I talk to 12 00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:48.240 them on their own and then come back together, then 13 00:00:48.359 --> 00:00:50.079 back on their own, and then back together. And the 14 00:00:50.119 --> 00:00:55.119 reason for that is because it's so incredibly interesting how 15 00:00:55.880 --> 00:00:59.640 men are so different than women when it comes to coaching, 16 00:00:59.679 --> 00:01:02.600 when it comes to speaking about things, I mean just 17 00:01:02.920 --> 00:01:08.239 pretty well so different. So I find that really it 18 00:01:08.280 --> 00:01:11.120 works better that way because then everybody can speak frankly 19 00:01:11.640 --> 00:01:14.959 and nobody has to hold back because I don't really 20 00:01:15.159 --> 00:01:17.799 like and it's not effective. I mean, studies show that 21 00:01:17.799 --> 00:01:21.239 people that go to regular kind of couple's counseling talk 22 00:01:21.319 --> 00:01:25.879 therapy kind of stuff typically end up divorced, less happy 23 00:01:25.920 --> 00:01:30.200 than they were. If the therapist allows them to just 24 00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:34.359 say what's on their mind, that like, be authentic, be honest, 25 00:01:34.519 --> 00:01:37.560 just tell it like it is. That can be really 26 00:01:37.680 --> 00:01:41.599 damaging because for the most part, people when they finally 27 00:01:41.760 --> 00:01:44.480 go to counseling or finally try to get help, it's 28 00:01:44.519 --> 00:01:47.519 been seven years that they've had problems. That's a lot 29 00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:51.000 of water under the bridge. So all that water under 30 00:01:51.040 --> 00:01:53.519 the bridge, all of those resentments. There's a lot of 31 00:01:53.560 --> 00:01:55.959 resentments typically right, a lot of herb feelings, a lot 32 00:01:56.000 --> 00:01:59.799 of resentments, a lot of miscommunication, a lot of he said, 33 00:02:00.120 --> 00:02:03.959 you said blah blah blah. So when you finally give 34 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:07.239 somebody permission, or maybe they've already been being verbally abusive 35 00:02:07.319 --> 00:02:10.159 to each other, let me qualify what I mean by 36 00:02:10.240 --> 00:02:14.240 verbally abusive. It's when you say mean, hurtful things to 37 00:02:14.319 --> 00:02:19.199 the person you love, calling them a name, saying things 38 00:02:19.240 --> 00:02:22.919 like well, maybe I'll go get it somewhere else. Anything 39 00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:29.560 that's threatening or belittling or shaming or just nasty is 40 00:02:29.680 --> 00:02:32.560 emotionally abusive. Just so you know, So a lot of 41 00:02:32.599 --> 00:02:35.360 you out there might be emotionally abusing somebody or be 42 00:02:36.280 --> 00:02:40.960 in a joint emotionally abusive kind of communication loop. That's yeah, 43 00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:45.560 but you should know that it's not just hurtful, it's destructive. 44 00:02:46.879 --> 00:02:51.360 So okay, by the time you get to trying to 45 00:02:51.400 --> 00:02:53.400 get to a problem, there's a lot of stuff buried. 46 00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:55.719 And so when people just say just talk about whatever 47 00:02:55.759 --> 00:02:58.400 you want, just tell them the truth, most of the 48 00:02:58.439 --> 00:03:01.319 time you don't have good communication skills, or you probably 49 00:03:01.319 --> 00:03:04.360 wouldn't be in this problem in the first place. So 50 00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:06.840 the first thing is having to learn how to actually 51 00:03:06.919 --> 00:03:09.879 say things in a way that doesn't make things worse 52 00:03:10.520 --> 00:03:14.360 I personally. Okay, so you already know this if you 53 00:03:14.439 --> 00:03:17.240 listen to my show. I have been in a lot 54 00:03:17.280 --> 00:03:21.120 of relationships, A lot, a lot, let me say that again, 55 00:03:21.159 --> 00:03:25.680 a lot of relationships. So some people occasionally say to me, well, Tanya, 56 00:03:25.719 --> 00:03:27.599 if you've been in a lot of relationships, how do 57 00:03:27.639 --> 00:03:29.639 you know how to help people stay in a long 58 00:03:29.719 --> 00:03:33.000 term one? Well, because I know every single thing that 59 00:03:33.039 --> 00:03:37.319 people do have done in a relationship to screw it up. 60 00:03:38.240 --> 00:03:42.000 That's right. I absolutely have been in so many different 61 00:03:42.039 --> 00:03:45.159 types of dynamics and relationships that I know all the 62 00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:48.080 tricks and tips and all the things that don't work 63 00:03:48.120 --> 00:03:50.560 as well as the ones that do so. Anyway, well, 64 00:03:50.599 --> 00:03:56.680 let me back up communication. Why is it that we 65 00:03:56.879 --> 00:03:59.639 believe that just saying whatever's on our mind when we 66 00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:02.759 don't know how to say it well, is helpful. I'll 67 00:04:02.759 --> 00:04:06.319 tell you right now, it's not had to take a 68 00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:11.199 drink water there. So, if indeed you are in type 69 00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:13.240 of you are trying to communicate with your partner, you 70 00:04:13.280 --> 00:04:16.319 are trying to figure out how to say things that 71 00:04:16.319 --> 00:04:19.759 are real for you because seven years you have a 72 00:04:19.800 --> 00:04:22.639 lot of stuff you probably haven't said, and if you were. 73 00:04:22.720 --> 00:04:24.120 You know, men say to me all the time, well, 74 00:04:24.160 --> 00:04:28.360 if I ever told her the truth, then oh my gosh, 75 00:04:28.600 --> 00:04:30.879 you know, we'd be done. Women are like if I 76 00:04:30.920 --> 00:04:33.800 ever told him how I really feel, we wouldn't be 77 00:04:33.839 --> 00:04:38.079 doing well. Yeah, How in the world are people supposed 78 00:04:38.120 --> 00:04:45.279 to have intimacy, vulnerability, true partnership when so many of 79 00:04:45.319 --> 00:04:49.519 you are lying to each other or omitting, and omitting 80 00:04:49.639 --> 00:04:52.839 is lying, not saying the things that bothered you until 81 00:04:52.920 --> 00:04:55.759 finally one day you just lose it and you just 82 00:04:55.959 --> 00:04:59.560 say it all and it's mean and it's nasty and 83 00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:01.920 it's all sorts of things because you've been holding back 84 00:05:01.959 --> 00:05:04.680 for so long. When the damn breaks, it doesn't look pretty. 85 00:05:05.319 --> 00:05:10.319 I remember once my partner was really angry and I 86 00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:12.600 confair why he was angry, and the next thing I know, 87 00:05:12.680 --> 00:05:14.759 he's saying, you know that thing that you did three 88 00:05:14.759 --> 00:05:18.040 months ago when you said this, and let me let 89 00:05:18.079 --> 00:05:19.639 me see if I can remember it, because it was 90 00:05:19.680 --> 00:05:24.959 something like I told him something that he was doing 91 00:05:26.319 --> 00:05:31.360 in the bedroom. Yes, I remember now. I told him, Hey, 92 00:05:31.399 --> 00:05:34.399 by the way, do you know when you rough house 93 00:05:34.439 --> 00:05:37.519 my nipples like that that it doesn't make me feel good? 94 00:05:37.519 --> 00:05:39.399 In fact, I want to kind of back up then 95 00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:44.720 when you start towards me like that, And he goes, oh, okay, fine, 96 00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:51.680 all right. His uh his reaction to that was not like, oh, 97 00:05:51.720 --> 00:05:53.800 thanks for telling me, which would have been much better, 98 00:05:53.839 --> 00:05:56.360 but he was kind of like dismissive. And I thought, well, 99 00:05:56.759 --> 00:05:59.000 all right, that was it. That's all we talked about 100 00:05:59.079 --> 00:06:02.279 there if nothing came for that except for him just 101 00:06:02.519 --> 00:06:05.759 not touching my breast, And I'm like, that's kind of 102 00:06:05.800 --> 00:06:09.399 not what I really wanted out of that. So three 103 00:06:09.439 --> 00:06:13.000 months later, when I actually said to him, hey, I 104 00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:16.519 noticed that you just don't seem to touch my breast anymore. 105 00:06:16.639 --> 00:06:21.720 Is there? You know what's going on? And he lost 106 00:06:21.759 --> 00:06:24.759 his cookies, I mean lost his cookies, like rage, screaming, yelling, 107 00:06:24.920 --> 00:06:27.240 all this stuff that I was like, Wow, that seems 108 00:06:27.279 --> 00:06:30.639 really kind of overblown. And then he said, you know, 109 00:06:30.759 --> 00:06:32.920 you remember when you told me three months ago that 110 00:06:32.959 --> 00:06:34.879 I did this thing you didn't like. And I'm like, well, 111 00:06:35.279 --> 00:06:40.399 I think maybe, yeah, okay, So he'd been harboring the 112 00:06:40.439 --> 00:06:42.879 tone that I used. So apparently he didn't like the 113 00:06:42.920 --> 00:06:45.920 tone that I used when I said that, even though 114 00:06:45.959 --> 00:06:48.279 I thought I was being kind and I you know, 115 00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:50.519 thought I was being like, hey, I know you want 116 00:06:50.519 --> 00:06:53.720 to please me because I understand you love me and 117 00:06:53.759 --> 00:06:56.279 if you you know, but it doesn't matter what my 118 00:06:56.360 --> 00:06:59.000 intent was. Here's the thing that's important. Doesn't matter what 119 00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:02.319 my intent was, doesn't matter how well I communicated it 120 00:07:02.360 --> 00:07:06.000 from my perspective. From his, he felt like I put 121 00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:10.560 him down or I just like trashed on him. So 122 00:07:10.600 --> 00:07:14.439 he'd been harboring that anger for three months three months. Now, 123 00:07:14.560 --> 00:07:16.759 some of you harber that like for seven years, like 124 00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:19.399 I said, but when he lost it, he totally lost it. 125 00:07:19.439 --> 00:07:22.360 And so his response to me telling him what I 126 00:07:22.399 --> 00:07:27.319 didn't like was to just not do anything. Now, some 127 00:07:27.439 --> 00:07:30.519 of you're going to think that sounds extreme, but guess what, 128 00:07:31.120 --> 00:07:35.600 it's not that uncommon to feel defensive when a partner 129 00:07:35.639 --> 00:07:38.759 tells you something and maybe they don't tell you it 130 00:07:38.839 --> 00:07:42.120 the right way for you. Maybe they said it in 131 00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:45.360 a way that felt, you know, bad, or they were 132 00:07:45.399 --> 00:07:48.519 trying to take you down or school you. Maybe you 133 00:07:49.360 --> 00:07:53.480 were insecure, and so you took that as a real like, 134 00:07:54.160 --> 00:07:56.000 you know, oh my gosh, you've been doing that to 135 00:07:56.160 --> 00:07:59.319 every woman for the past twenty five years, and you're 136 00:07:59.399 --> 00:08:02.360 just realized that maybe none of them liked it, so 137 00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:04.639 you're going to have an extreme reaction. So all of 138 00:08:04.680 --> 00:08:09.720 these things, right if you. Most men don't ever tell 139 00:08:09.720 --> 00:08:12.000 a woman, hey, by the way, I don't really like 140 00:08:12.120 --> 00:08:17.240 you the way you're doing that blowjob. You know, most 141 00:08:17.279 --> 00:08:19.000 men don't do that because they're thinking, man, if I 142 00:08:19.040 --> 00:08:21.279 tell her that, I may never get one again, and 143 00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:23.720 so let's not say that. But you get it. There's 144 00:08:23.720 --> 00:08:27.480 a whole bunch of stuff, and the most dicey conversations 145 00:08:27.600 --> 00:08:32.559 happen around sex and finances, but even more so sex. 146 00:08:32.879 --> 00:08:36.159 How do you tell somebody something without hurting their feelings? 147 00:08:36.159 --> 00:08:40.039 How do you tell somebody something and hope that everything's 148 00:08:40.200 --> 00:08:42.559 still okay? So if you're in a relationship where you 149 00:08:42.639 --> 00:08:46.559 guys can easily talk about anything, and you know your 150 00:08:46.600 --> 00:08:49.200 sex life is great and there seems to be no problems. 151 00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:51.200 I don't know why you'd be here, but maybe you're 152 00:08:51.240 --> 00:08:54.240 just leveling up. That's awesome, love that, But the majority 153 00:08:54.279 --> 00:08:57.240 of you are knowing that there's issues. Okay, So all 154 00:08:57.240 --> 00:08:59.919 that to say that, I want to talk today about 155 00:09:00.159 --> 00:09:03.440 something that seems really confusing to a lot of men 156 00:09:03.480 --> 00:09:07.679 and probably really confusing to a lot of women. So 157 00:09:08.519 --> 00:09:10.720 if you're in social media at all, you've seen the 158 00:09:10.840 --> 00:09:14.679 rise of these dark fantasy romances. Women reading all of 159 00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:19.320 this like crazy, take me, claim me. You know, with 160 00:09:19.399 --> 00:09:22.759 your five headed penis that does crazy stuff if you 161 00:09:22.879 --> 00:09:26.080 have it. By the way, if you're not staying in touch, 162 00:09:26.759 --> 00:09:29.440 and it used to be that you should have read 163 00:09:29.440 --> 00:09:32.440 Cosmo magazine when that was a thing. You should have 164 00:09:32.440 --> 00:09:34.879 been reading that, the five tips to make him crazy 165 00:09:34.919 --> 00:09:40.440 and whatever. If you don't actually read what your woman 166 00:09:40.759 --> 00:09:44.039 is reading, what your partner is reading, you're kind of 167 00:09:44.039 --> 00:09:47.240 missing the boat. But here's the thing to understand. So 168 00:09:47.320 --> 00:09:52.320 women are reading all of these dark fantasy romance where 169 00:09:52.360 --> 00:09:55.279 the guys have voices like this, you know, and they're 170 00:09:55.320 --> 00:09:59.320 all rab baby, who's your daddy? All these kind of things. Yeah, 171 00:09:59.320 --> 00:10:02.080 I'm sure that was a Larius because I can't go there. 172 00:10:02.799 --> 00:10:08.039 The growl, the dark ness, the like guys in masks 173 00:10:08.120 --> 00:10:13.320 with like, you know, look like you know, Arnold Torchenegger whatever. 174 00:10:13.360 --> 00:10:18.120 And women are reading these books and men are like, oh, 175 00:10:18.399 --> 00:10:20.679 like when Fifty Shades of Gray came out and the 176 00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:23.720 next thing you know, men are like trying to take 177 00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:27.799 their women, trying to dom their women, trying to push 178 00:10:27.879 --> 00:10:29.879 their women up against the wall and tell them what 179 00:10:29.919 --> 00:10:31.720 they're going to do to them. And the women are like, 180 00:10:31.759 --> 00:10:34.840 what the hell are you doing? The women are going, 181 00:10:35.120 --> 00:10:38.200 what's wrong with you? Yep, if you've ever tried to 182 00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:40.279 take your woman, throw her over the back of a 183 00:10:40.320 --> 00:10:42.879 couch and have your away with her and she's looked 184 00:10:42.879 --> 00:10:46.080 at you like, what the hell are you doing, there's 185 00:10:46.080 --> 00:10:49.759 a reason for that. So the fantasy aspect of these 186 00:10:49.799 --> 00:10:53.200 books doesn't actually mean a woman wants you to do that. 187 00:10:53.279 --> 00:10:57.279 Like Fifty Shades of Gray, if that guy hadn't been 188 00:10:57.519 --> 00:11:00.879 written as rich or whatever else, she hadn't been written 189 00:11:00.960 --> 00:11:04.559 as insecure, that would have been a stalker situation that 190 00:11:04.759 --> 00:11:08.480 was bad, and somebody should have called the police. Women 191 00:11:08.519 --> 00:11:14.639 don't actually want to be taken except in certain circumstances. 192 00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:19.240 I here's the confusion, because I have men, I've got 193 00:11:19.279 --> 00:11:21.440 you guys reaching out to me and saying, Okay, I've 194 00:11:21.519 --> 00:11:23.919 seen this thing. I've seen women saying this. I've seen 195 00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:26.360 all the comments. You know, go look at TikTok and 196 00:11:26.399 --> 00:11:30.159 look up some women reading these or talking about these 197 00:11:30.200 --> 00:11:33.720 books right and you'll think, oh, that's what she wants. 198 00:11:34.360 --> 00:11:39.000 Now if you already have a great sex life and 199 00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:43.720 you've played with some of that power kind of situations 200 00:11:43.759 --> 00:11:46.279 where you know, you come home and say baby, I 201 00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:49.480 just need you right now, and she's like oh, and 202 00:11:49.559 --> 00:11:52.440 you get the sign that's like oh and she looks 203 00:11:52.480 --> 00:11:56.639 like she could be interested. Okay, But most of you 204 00:11:56.679 --> 00:12:00.000 were doing this, like with situations where the woman's nothing 205 00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:03.200 interest in sex. You got problems already, things like that, 206 00:12:03.320 --> 00:12:05.159 and you think that might turn it around, and what 207 00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:08.759 you get response is like, what the hell are you doing? So? 208 00:12:09.320 --> 00:12:12.080 And then there's you guys that most of you that 209 00:12:12.120 --> 00:12:17.360 are listening to this show are good men. And what 210 00:12:17.480 --> 00:12:20.159 I mean good men, I mean men who don't want 211 00:12:20.200 --> 00:12:23.360 to harm women who have listened to the things about 212 00:12:23.440 --> 00:12:27.559 toxic masculinity. There's no such thing as toxic masculinity, by 213 00:12:27.600 --> 00:12:31.279 the way, there's only people who act like assholes, men 214 00:12:31.320 --> 00:12:34.360 and women. Just saying. But you hear all of that 215 00:12:34.480 --> 00:12:36.639 kind of stuff and you're like, well, I am never 216 00:12:36.840 --> 00:12:42.639 going to do be that guy. So now you've watered 217 00:12:42.639 --> 00:12:46.600 yourself down. Now you're all the way on the other side, like, well, 218 00:12:46.639 --> 00:12:49.320 I'm not going to do anything to her with her 219 00:12:49.440 --> 00:12:56.039 unless I get total one consent. Now, if you're dating, yes, 220 00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:59.320 please error on that side. Right when you're dating you 221 00:12:59.360 --> 00:13:02.240 don't know that person, Please don't go all like dark 222 00:13:02.279 --> 00:13:05.240 fantasy romance on her, because if a woman wants that 223 00:13:05.320 --> 00:13:08.240 from you that soon, there's probably something wrong with her too. 224 00:13:08.919 --> 00:13:13.320 Just saying that's probably a red flag. But you're in 225 00:13:13.399 --> 00:13:16.080 a partnership. You have a partner. You guys, you know, 226 00:13:16.240 --> 00:13:19.759 have trust, You've built some stuff up. Yeah, that might 227 00:13:19.799 --> 00:13:22.480 be a fun dynamic to play with, but for god's sakes, 228 00:13:22.600 --> 00:13:27.799 don't water yourself down to not to be conflict a voidant. 229 00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:31.519 And that includes in the bedroom, Like it's okay to 230 00:13:31.639 --> 00:13:34.159 take a risk if you know, especially if you're watching 231 00:13:34.200 --> 00:13:37.679 her and she looks like she is kind of into you. 232 00:13:37.799 --> 00:13:41.720 All of a sudden going hey, I want you now, 233 00:13:42.679 --> 00:13:45.840 and she looks at you like, oh, all right, there's 234 00:13:45.879 --> 00:13:49.960 some interest. Okay, play with that if you go hey, 235 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:53.399 I want you now and she looks at you like 236 00:13:53.840 --> 00:13:57.039 really seriously, now, now, don't you know I have this 237 00:13:57.120 --> 00:13:59.399 and this and this to do. That's not don't don't 238 00:13:59.440 --> 00:14:03.600 push it. But the idea of consent just because you're 239 00:14:03.879 --> 00:14:08.559 with a partner, you're in a relationship, you've had sex, intercourse, 240 00:14:08.639 --> 00:14:12.480 all of this stuff before, doesn't even automatically mean you're 241 00:14:12.519 --> 00:14:14.679 assured it all the time. See, And this is why 242 00:14:14.679 --> 00:14:18.399 this is so confusing. It's like, well, don't I have consent, 243 00:14:18.519 --> 00:14:22.600 I'm in a relationship, We've had sex, you know for years. 244 00:14:23.080 --> 00:14:28.600 Does not automatically mean consent. No, no, really it doesn't 245 00:14:28.639 --> 00:14:33.200 because everything is a moment by moment experience. So it 246 00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:37.600 starts with the fact that in a relationship that is sexual, 247 00:14:38.600 --> 00:14:41.679 where intercourse has been part of the event, part of 248 00:14:41.720 --> 00:14:45.919 the activity of sex. And you might think, wait, what, Yeah, 249 00:14:46.039 --> 00:14:48.399 it shouldn't always be. It doesn't always have to be. 250 00:14:49.159 --> 00:14:53.320 There should be conversations around this before action is taken. 251 00:14:53.799 --> 00:14:58.039 For instance, Hey, when I ask women do you like sex? 252 00:14:59.519 --> 00:15:06.600 Almost every woman has this pause right here. Now, what 253 00:15:06.679 --> 00:15:09.200 do I assume when I hear a woman take that 254 00:15:09.279 --> 00:15:12.480 beat and that pause. Well, first she's thinking do I 255 00:15:12.639 --> 00:15:16.120 like sex? This tells you that there's probably parts of 256 00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:19.600 sex she likes, but she's not sure what kind of 257 00:15:19.639 --> 00:15:24.639 question I'm asking, So I typically have to ask her. 258 00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:27.879 So tell me when I say sex what that means 259 00:15:27.879 --> 00:15:32.000 to you? And they'll usually say, oh, well, you know, 260 00:15:32.720 --> 00:15:35.720 intercourse sex, and I'm like, well, sex can be a 261 00:15:35.720 --> 00:15:40.120 lot of things. Oh that's the first thing. Oh really absolutely? 262 00:15:40.200 --> 00:15:43.480 Do you think every sexual activity has to end an intercourse? 263 00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:50.559 And they do this? Yeah, you hear that sigh? What 264 00:15:51.000 --> 00:15:53.639 does that tell me? That tells me that it's just 265 00:15:53.679 --> 00:15:57.440 an assumption that once you all have had sex had intercourse, 266 00:15:57.480 --> 00:16:00.440 that it's always going to be that sex means you 267 00:16:00.519 --> 00:16:02.840 do this, we do this, we do this, we have sex. 268 00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:06.159 It's intercourse. That's what ends it. And usually the man 269 00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:11.480 ejaculating ends the session. So they're not sure whether they 270 00:16:11.639 --> 00:16:14.919 like sex or not. And they might like sex. They 271 00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:17.200 may say they like sex when actually they just want 272 00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:19.919 to be connected to you. They may say they like 273 00:16:20.039 --> 00:16:23.039 sex because they like the kissing. They may say they 274 00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:25.840 like sex because they want to be wanted and need 275 00:16:25.840 --> 00:16:30.039 the validation that you're still attracted to them. So if 276 00:16:30.039 --> 00:16:34.120 you have conversations around sex, please be more specific, and 277 00:16:34.200 --> 00:16:37.120 you have to be careful, gentle, and allow for space 278 00:16:37.559 --> 00:16:39.879 for everybody to answer that question, because guess what, there 279 00:16:39.879 --> 00:16:42.360 are plenty of men that I've talked to that when 280 00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:46.039 I say do you actually like sex? Their automatic response 281 00:16:46.120 --> 00:16:48.120 is well, of course. And then I'm like, so, hold up, 282 00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:52.120 do you really like sex? What about it? And I 283 00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:57.720 find out that a lot of men like ejaculating. Well, okay, 284 00:16:58.440 --> 00:17:01.000 that doesn't necessarily mean they like sex, only if they're 285 00:17:01.000 --> 00:17:03.519 seeing sex as the vehicle to get to the ejaculation. 286 00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:07.680 That in itself causes all sorts of problems too. So 287 00:17:07.720 --> 00:17:10.240 when you parse this out and you sit outside of 288 00:17:10.240 --> 00:17:12.839 the bedroom, you don't have these conversations while you're in bed. 289 00:17:13.240 --> 00:17:16.319 These are conversations that you have when both of you 290 00:17:16.359 --> 00:17:19.799 have time, when you've said to your partner, hey, can 291 00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:23.839 we spend some time talking about our sex life when 292 00:17:23.839 --> 00:17:25.720 you have time, when I have time, when we're not 293 00:17:25.839 --> 00:17:28.480 exhausted at the end of the day, carve out some space, 294 00:17:28.599 --> 00:17:31.400 some privacy and say, like, we're only going to have 295 00:17:31.519 --> 00:17:33.359 like let's just talk about this for half an hour 296 00:17:33.440 --> 00:17:35.240 maybe or something, so it doesn't feel like it's going 297 00:17:35.319 --> 00:17:36.920 to be a knockdown, drag out or an all day 298 00:17:37.000 --> 00:17:41.839 long event. Start small and start with questions that are like, hey, 299 00:17:42.400 --> 00:17:45.279 if you notice she reads that kind of stuff, right, 300 00:17:45.480 --> 00:17:48.799 she's reading smart books, she's writing reading spicy romances. Go 301 00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:52.200 look at what she's reading and ask her, can you 302 00:17:52.240 --> 00:17:56.599 tell me what you like in those books? Or tell 303 00:17:56.599 --> 00:17:58.400 me about those books? Just ask her to tell you. 304 00:17:58.519 --> 00:18:00.559 She might be embarrassed, she might be shut. She might 305 00:18:00.599 --> 00:18:03.400 be oh my god, I can't possibly tell you. You 306 00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:05.519 should have already picked one of them up, by the way, 307 00:18:05.599 --> 00:18:08.559 and kind of read it. Don't make assumptions. Just read 308 00:18:08.559 --> 00:18:12.759 it and see what's up, inform yourself, and then ask 309 00:18:12.799 --> 00:18:14.839 her about it. And if she goes, well, I don't know, 310 00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:17.160 you know, because she might be really shy. You'd be 311 00:18:17.200 --> 00:18:19.720 surprised at how many women seem like they're not very 312 00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:22.599 shy about sex talking about sex, but they are really 313 00:18:22.680 --> 00:18:26.359 shy when it comes to talking to you about sex 314 00:18:26.440 --> 00:18:29.599 because they don't want to say something wrong that hurts 315 00:18:29.640 --> 00:18:34.039 you or hurts the sex life or vulnerability. If you 316 00:18:34.119 --> 00:18:36.759 haven't been open, if she's ever said anything to you 317 00:18:37.160 --> 00:18:39.319 and you've shut it down, and it's good. You might 318 00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:42.400 have to ask a few times, and don't ask it like, 319 00:18:42.440 --> 00:18:45.400 what do you like about that? The tone is everything? 320 00:18:45.480 --> 00:18:47.960 Remember when I started this, I was talking about tone 321 00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:50.279 that my guy was mad at me because he didn't 322 00:18:50.359 --> 00:18:53.079 like the tone I used. So your tone is everything. 323 00:18:53.160 --> 00:18:57.480 If you are truly curious, you could say, hey, you know, 324 00:18:58.200 --> 00:19:00.799 I read a little bit of this book, and I'm 325 00:19:00.839 --> 00:19:04.720 interested in what about the book that you enjoy? Are 326 00:19:04.759 --> 00:19:09.799 there certain parts or certain things? And give her some space, 327 00:19:09.839 --> 00:19:13.960 don't directly eye contact or sit side by side, see 328 00:19:13.960 --> 00:19:16.160 what she says. And if she says, yeah, I like 329 00:19:16.240 --> 00:19:18.920 this in this part, is there anything? Then you can 330 00:19:18.960 --> 00:19:23.039 ask would is that something you'd like to have more 331 00:19:23.039 --> 00:19:27.640 of in our sex life? Right? Don't assume that because 332 00:19:27.680 --> 00:19:30.920 sometimes fantasy is just fantasy and nobody wants it. Really, 333 00:19:31.480 --> 00:19:37.400 I really doubt that women actually want a eight foot 334 00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:41.880 guy whose sperm turns into stuff that he can make 335 00:19:42.200 --> 00:19:46.480 objects out of. You know, I'm just saying, I don't know, maybe, 336 00:19:47.160 --> 00:19:50.319 but some of those books are pretty pretty wild, pretty 337 00:19:50.319 --> 00:19:54.440 out there is they're clearly clearly fantasy type of thing. 338 00:19:55.160 --> 00:19:58.279 But the thing you're wanting to know. Not specifically is 339 00:19:58.319 --> 00:20:04.160 the act of what's happening the actions, but what psychologically, 340 00:20:05.480 --> 00:20:09.279 What is it psychologically that she might be missing from 341 00:20:09.480 --> 00:20:14.039 the relationship. Is it the idea of most women when 342 00:20:14.079 --> 00:20:17.039 they want to be taken, It isn't so much that 343 00:20:17.079 --> 00:20:21.119 they want to be controlled, even though that's what all 344 00:20:21.160 --> 00:20:25.960 those books look like. Most women need to know that 345 00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:30.920 they are desired and that you want them so much 346 00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:34.039 you could be at the edge of your control, Like 347 00:20:34.160 --> 00:20:37.519 lose your control now if you're like, yeah, but I 348 00:20:37.640 --> 00:20:39.400 go by it. Every time I see my woman, I 349 00:20:39.440 --> 00:20:41.119 tell her you're so sexy, and I grab her ass 350 00:20:41.119 --> 00:20:43.400 You're so sexy, and I grab her boobs. You're so sexy, 351 00:20:43.880 --> 00:20:46.559 And she's always telling me stop it. Yeah, because you're 352 00:20:46.599 --> 00:20:49.400 doing it wrong, not because she doesn't want to feel 353 00:20:49.839 --> 00:20:53.079 that you are into her. It's because of how you're 354 00:20:53.079 --> 00:20:57.440 doing it. So the guy in the novel, he's probably 355 00:20:57.440 --> 00:21:01.680 built up here's your main takeaway for his books. They 356 00:21:01.720 --> 00:21:07.720 have built up sexual tension over a long period of time. 357 00:21:09.720 --> 00:21:11.279 The guy didn't just walk up to her out of 358 00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:15.119 the blue while she was thinking about something and take her. No, 359 00:21:15.519 --> 00:21:21.240 that's called rape. Usually, No, there was tension built up, 360 00:21:21.319 --> 00:21:26.359 there was forbidden, something there was. Yeah, the guy was 361 00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:29.519 totally like a control freaking never broke for anybody. But 362 00:21:29.559 --> 00:21:34.519 he could not absolutely not be inspired or overtaken or 363 00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:39.440 somehow moved by her in such a way that he 364 00:21:39.599 --> 00:21:43.920 wasn't his typical self. Okay, that's the biggest key in 365 00:21:43.960 --> 00:21:48.680 these things is that it's a build up. A build 366 00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:51.599 up woman says to you, really, I need you to 367 00:21:51.640 --> 00:21:54.519 help me be more aroused. I like sex, but I 368 00:21:54.720 --> 00:21:57.200 just you know, it feels like going from zero to 369 00:21:57.279 --> 00:22:00.680 one hundred and five minutes. That doesn't for me. I'm 370 00:22:00.680 --> 00:22:02.839 thinking about the kids, I'm thinking about laundry, I'm thinking 371 00:22:02.839 --> 00:22:05.880 about all these things. And build up isn't just when 372 00:22:05.880 --> 00:22:07.920 you're for play, right, Built for play is like an 373 00:22:07.960 --> 00:22:13.039 all day, everyday event. For play is keeping her knowing 374 00:22:13.079 --> 00:22:16.640 that you're thinking about her and in the window is 375 00:22:16.640 --> 00:22:20.559 some good, you know, learn the arts of different ways 376 00:22:20.559 --> 00:22:23.519 of being seductive if you're just like, hey, nice rack, 377 00:22:24.960 --> 00:22:28.839 unless she specifically likes that, most women don't, So take 378 00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:31.880 some time to educate yourself. Read some of those books, 379 00:22:31.920 --> 00:22:36.119 see what they're saying, and be careful, for God's sake, 380 00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:39.680 be careful with that's a good girl. You're going to 381 00:22:39.720 --> 00:22:42.119 see or hear a lot of good girl in some 382 00:22:42.240 --> 00:22:44.079 of these books. And yet I've done a poll that 383 00:22:44.119 --> 00:22:48.160 says most women don't like that. They'll let but here's 384 00:22:48.160 --> 00:22:50.119 what they're doing in the book. They're letting it go 385 00:22:50.519 --> 00:22:53.480 because everything else is so hot they can handle that's 386 00:22:53.480 --> 00:22:56.960 a good girl, that's my girl better. But some women 387 00:22:57.079 --> 00:22:59.359 don't even want to hear the girl referenced when it 388 00:22:59.400 --> 00:23:03.960 comes to south because they're thinking, yeah, too young, don't 389 00:23:03.960 --> 00:23:08.480 want to hear that word. Everybody is different, so the 390 00:23:08.519 --> 00:23:11.839 type of words somebody wants to hear, you're probably different too. 391 00:23:12.839 --> 00:23:16.119 Some of you love to be called daddy. Some of 392 00:23:16.160 --> 00:23:19.200 you are like, don't ever call me daddy again. My God, 393 00:23:19.279 --> 00:23:21.400 don't let that come out of your mouth even once. 394 00:23:22.000 --> 00:23:25.319 We're all different. So that's a conversation I have too, 395 00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:29.319 What kind of words turn you on and in what context? 396 00:23:29.880 --> 00:23:34.880 In what context? Right? Okay, good men, most of you 397 00:23:35.000 --> 00:23:37.480 are good men. I would bet that ninety nine point 398 00:23:37.559 --> 00:23:39.880 nine nine nine percent of you are good men. In fact, 399 00:23:39.920 --> 00:23:42.160 I'm going to go for one hundred. You're good men. 400 00:23:43.160 --> 00:23:45.960 You just may not have the education that you need 401 00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:48.480