Speaker 1: Good morning from Hell. I am Chris and I'm dead
and my eternal punishment is to do this podcast where
we interview everyone in Hell, and I'm joined by my
co hosts. Oh oh yeah, I just saw something terrible, Chris.
This is Clayton.
Speaker 2: Hey, how's it going? Goodness here? Oh god, I'm scarred
for life, Chris. I'm scarred for the afterlife. I did
what what happened?
Speaker 1: Okay, So Hell's a big place.
Speaker 3: I don't know this.
Speaker 2: I don't let you out, but believe me, beyond these
four walls, it's a massive, massive place. And you've shown
me pictures of things that could you. I don't let
you out all that much, but yeah, no, it's it's huge.
So anyways, you know, I have certain privileges as a demon,
as Satan's younger brother. Yeah, and so sometimes I just
take the keys and I just go around and I
just explore and I just open up random doors. We
got some real back room shit going on out there,
some red rooms, just some weird stuff, you know.
Speaker 4: I just like opening doors here and there. Yeah, it's
always weird, kind of.
Speaker 1: Like an MMO RPG or something. Yeah, yeah, but it's like.
Speaker 2: It's real life and I'm exploring and sometimes I get
lonely and I think maybe I should bring Chris along it,
and then I'm like, nah, he shouldn't.
Speaker 1: Be here for this. This is too much fun. Uh huh.
I found the worst room I could have encountered in hell.
Speaker 2: I think that this is legitimately the worst place I've
ever been to, and it has shaken me to my core.
Speaker 1: That's actually saying a lot.
Speaker 2: Yeah, basically it was called the Cumjin Oh, and I
didn't know what to expect in there. I was thinking,
maybe this is some sort of like masturbatory office or
something of the sort. Was it labeled yet on the
door in black spray paint and Stincil just said cum
Gin And it was just a normal door. And I
opened it up and it was sticky, very sticky, and
the door it was really slow, and at first when
I entered, the lights weren't on and it just was
just kind of like a cave, like it was like dripping.
It was really warm and like kind of like musky,
and the smell of the smell kind of like bleach,
kind of a bleachy smell. Yeah, it's like like a
chlorine ha. And so I go in and I turn
on the lights, and I noticed that my feet are
sticking to the ground, hand is sticking to the light switch.
I think I found the place that when people on
Earth masturbate, that's just where all the dead seamen goes.
Speaker 1: It's just everywhere.
Speaker 2: It's all of the collective spunk from human history and
animal kind. Oh my god, all in one room, all
in one massive I mean like arena size room.
Speaker 1: Hey would imagine. Yeah, it was terrible.
Speaker 2: So I guess it's like little sperms go to Hell. Yeah,
I mean they're not baptized, so they got to go somewhere.
And so it's just a room, just a huge slip
and slide room of just hot man gravy.
Speaker 4: What a solution for that be for someone to jerk
off into some holy water.
Speaker 2: If you want your come to go to heaven, then yes,
using some sort of holy water based lubricant will typically work.
Otherwise it's come down here to the cumjin. How does
it collect? Is there a pool? I was there and
I was just I was I was gobsmacked or come smacked, comsmacked,
and I just couldn't figure out what I was seeing with.
Speaker 1: My own eyes. Huh.
Speaker 2: And every now and then there would just be new
dribbles that would appear out of nowhere to add.
Speaker 1: To the mounds.
Speaker 2: And it's just piles of still wet but still kind
of dry, gungk on the walls, in the corners, just everywhere,
just white gray, somewhat yellow, transparenty.
Speaker 1: Oh god, Chris, it was terrible.
Speaker 4: Oh man, I think I found you a new bedroom, Chris.
Speaker 1: I think we're gonna move you in tomorrow. The coum
that's there, is it organizing anyway? Did you see the line?
I saw no rhyme or reason.
Speaker 2: There was just chaos and cum It was just everywhere,
no organizational system, Like they just didn't know what to
do with it, so they just designated this spot and
it just all goes there.
Speaker 1: I wonder if there's people who have near death experiences
on Earth and they say they saw a white light
and it was actually just the Cumjin, like that's where
they were looking into.
Speaker 2: You know what, You might have something there, because I
did see footprints and like a couple of stuck shoes
in the ground from people who had the misfortune of
ending up there.
Speaker 4: So maybe they spawned into Hell when the cum Gin.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Man, we're gonna have to do some
more exploring.
Speaker 2: But if luckily you're gonna be moving in there, we'll
report back onto it, or we won't because this is horrifying.
Speaker 1: Stay tuned for more cum gin up.
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, anyways, Uh got an episode today? Huh yeah?
Speaker 1: So who are we interviewing today? Uh?
Speaker 2: It's end of June, right, yeah, we got We got
fourth of July coming up. And I think, like you know,
whenever we do these holiday episodes, they seem to perform.
Speaker 1: Well, do we have like a founding father?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: I think we.
Speaker 1: Tapped out on those guys.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: It's like Hamilton. No, Hamilton, he's overplayed. He had the
whole Broadway thing. Nobody cares about him unless we did Lin, Manuel, Miranda.
He's gonna be ending up here soon.
Speaker 1: Jefferson.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, well William did Jefferson sooner or later.
We did Washington, we did Franklin. We do not that
guy who makes beer. Who makes beer, that's a good one,
but uh no, no, no, uh, Aniser Bush he's not available.
Speaker 1: Also not a founding father.
Speaker 2: But yeah, okay, well you know what, I have someone
here that I could probably get in on such short notice.
They're a pretty significant figure. I'm sure you've enjoyed their
work before. I have them listed here as Wow, they're
the inventor of fireworks, so that's not the fourth of July, right, Yeah, they're.
Speaker 1: A big deal, right yeah.
Speaker 2: Okay, hold on, let me payge them, let me make
some calls quick and uh okay, yeah they're right outside.
Oh wait, hold on, they need assistance getting in. Chris,
can you go to the door and can you can you?
Can you go help them in? And I know what
they Yeah, okay, okay, all right, welcoming to good word
for now. It's the inventor of fireworks. Hello, what the
hell's up? Mother bugger ship? I dropped my spoen there?
Can you pick that thing up on my right arm?
Speaker 3: I just dropped. That's all disconnected. I'm a big pile
of just appendages and ship.
Speaker 2: Yeah you have like a bucket or yeah, he is
just all over the place. There's a wheelbar over there.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, put my right side in the wheelbarrow.
Speaker 5: Put my left side in the basket over there, please
and I and then we'll make this work.
Speaker 2: Okay, audience at home, Sorry, this is an audio podcast,
but to your pieces literally.
Speaker 3: Yeah, man, I just dropped my peek. Mind. It can
be hard to talk. Let me put the thing back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, those back in.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: So I didn't catch your name. What was your name?
Speaker 5: My name is Chris Blaine. I've got a lot in
common you too, Okay, Chris Blaine.
Speaker 1: You know Chris Blaine.
Speaker 3: It's a mix of Chris Angel and David Blaine.
Speaker 1: Okay. Yeah, that's why I figured y'all would really relate
to that name. I get the Chris part. I don't understand.
I'm Clayton. No, I know that, Clayton.
Speaker 5: I just know that you're a huge even blame from
That's what I'm saying, right.
Speaker 3: I didn't mean to insinuate anything else besides that.
Speaker 1: That's it, Okay, Chris Blaine. Cool, I know.
Speaker 5: You introduced me as the fucking inventor of fireworks. Now,
I am a connoissewer. I do deal with the things
I did when I was alive, But goddamn, I have
to give credit where credit is due to the three
thousand year old Chinese man who actually invented fireworks.
Speaker 3: That was not me.
Speaker 1: I did not know.
Speaker 5: We were not alive in the corporal realm at the
same time. So you got that a little bit wrong
in my autobiography. I probably read that off Wikipedia or
something like that. It was the Google AI that thing.
It's taken a while to fucking update here and the
hell I get it. Yeah, it's a little off service
a spot.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was gonna see. It does not appear that
you are from China. You seem to be from America.
Speaker 1: American born and raised. Okay, which is the fourth of
July episode. You thought you invited the three thousand year
old Chinese man?
Speaker 4: Oh god, where did you get blackcasts?
Speaker 1: Is so loud? That's right.
Speaker 3: I fart those every couple of minutes.
Speaker 5: All sorts of things wrong with me, Like I said,
out of my disembodied ask that's a city right.
Speaker 1: Next to Oh that is that where they came from? Okay,
all right, it looks like at least one or two
of these parts aren't yours, because it looks like there
is an arm or two that appears Asian.
Speaker 5: I took a lot of people with me.
Speaker 2: I kind of want to get into that. Why are
you so many different body parts? Was this from all
one event or did you lose them over time?
Speaker 5: The answer is a little bit of both. I mean
I've had so many closed calls over the years. I
should have been dead a long time ago. I kind
of see this as a lucky thing that I lasted
as long as I did, being the premier firework magician
in a world. That's the thing that I maybe didn't
say that when I first came out. I'm a firework magician,
you know how David Blaine, he calls himself a magician.
But people are like, is that really magic to just
like freeze yourself in ice for three weeks or something,
and yeah, or stay awake for a year or whatever
he does.
Speaker 1: I'm the same thing, but with fireworks.
Speaker 5: Okay, I certainly hold the world record for most black
cats stuffed up my ass basically name of firework.
Speaker 3: I have stuffed the most up my ass.
Speaker 5: Dragons, eggs, barrage, barricade, the diamond sun, mines of Mars,
all of them.
Speaker 3: I have the world record up my ass for all
of them.
Speaker 1: Prestigious.
Speaker 3: Yes, So obviously some people like, is that magic? It
is magic.
Speaker 5: I am the premiere world's best firework magician. Chris Blaine,
You're at your service, ask me anything.
Speaker 2: And so, Chris Blaine, when you say that you are
a performer and that you're firework magician. Yeah, what kind
of venues are we talking? Where are you performing these apps?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 5: Well I started out in humble beginnings in my friend
Kurt's backyard. So Kurt's kind of an outcast of the community.
So really I only get at least one or two
people to my shows when I was doing them, but
I had good word of mouth. Those two people told
two people. So my next show, I got four people
at my show. I double wow.
Speaker 3: Yeah, damn oh, you know that was for my big
That's more.
Speaker 4: People than listen to our podcast probably.
Speaker 3: Hell yeah. Those four people saw me get a back
tattoo with a Roman candle. Full back tattoo.
Speaker 1: Yes, you've got a tattoo with a Roman candle.
Speaker 3: Yes, it's dangerous and I don't recommend it.
Speaker 5: And I was cauterizing the wound with you know how
sometimes you bleed once you put the ink, and I
was using the ink from the Wildcat, you know.
Speaker 3: Basically, I soak all of the.
Speaker 1: Ink off of the Wildcat packaging.
Speaker 5: You know, it takes a couple of weeks. Then I
have a nice little bowl of ink. Then I use
a Roman fucking candle and a fucking electric toothbrush. And
it's a long, complicated thing, and all of a sudden
next thing, I know, I have a fucking back tattoo
of the statue of Liberty stuffing, yes, you guess it,
three tons.
Speaker 3: Of black cats up her asshole.
Speaker 5: And I don't know if you remember when David Copperfield
made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Was my magnum opus
I've been working towards. Which is how I died, was
me stuffing three tons of black cats up the statue
of Liberty's asshole and then lighten her off while being inside.
Speaker 3: That's a whole while.
Speaker 1: Okay, so the black cats are up the statue of Liberty, and.
Speaker 5: I have a mini statue of Liberty in my asshole
too while I got inside.
Speaker 3: Oh oh, this is fireworks magic inception. Baby wow, it's.
Speaker 2: A turduckin yes, So then like if I moved the
skin around, I can see this, this imagery of the
statue of Liberty. That's very wow, more detailed than I expected.
They actually did a pretty good job.
Speaker 5: Yeah yeah, they had to be jigsaw back together, I
think buying the actual jigsaw from saw when I got here, And.
Speaker 2: So did you have like an assistant that was, for
lack of a better term, taking back shots with that
Roman candle on your back.
Speaker 5: Yes, his name was Kurt, the guy I started with. Oh,
like I said, not many people like Kurt. But I'm
stuck by Kurt's.
Speaker 1: Side and he's stuck by your backside.
Speaker 3: He stuck a lot of shit on my back. Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2: Wow, Okay, we got a lot of information there. I'm
so curious about Kurt. I'm so curious about the Statue
of Liberty. Uh huh your magnum opus, you said, is
that how you ended up ultimately passing away?
Speaker 1: Was the Statue Liberty Act?
Speaker 3: The answer is.
Speaker 5: Yes, so obviously when you're doing what someone would call
psychotic firework magic like me, sochotic firework magic like things
that basically should obviously kill you. It's just like Willie,
he was just like, that's clearly gonna kill you if
you're in the Statue of Liberties, fucking asshole filled with
black cats three tons. But I take a lot of precautions,
just like I'm sure David Blaine. It's like, it looks
crazy to be frozen in the black of ice, but
he does baby steps over years and he trains for
this shit.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 5: That's me, So I should have known better, but I
kind of did some miscalculations. I also didn't realize just
how much toxic material the French put into that Statue
of Liberty. You know, they really fucked me. So I
really was breathing and all that shit in you know. Yeah,
I also put a whole bunch of blue and white
powder in the assholes.
Speaker 3: Because I wanted to look. Actually was farting red, white
and blue for the fourth of July.
Speaker 1: Where would the red come from?
Speaker 3: Though, well, unfortunately it came from my blood.
Speaker 5: Just be exploding, but it was going to be a
bunch of dye, like I just blended in with the
red die forgot to mention the red diver.
Speaker 3: But yeah, it was just me.
Speaker 5: I was the red exploding out of the Statue of
Liberty's butthole.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I would have probably.
Speaker 5: Survived that, but I breathed in too much of the
green from her ass the too much light, and the
blue from the powder, and then the black cat three tons.
I really should have just stuck with about a ton
and a half. Yeah, that extra ton and a half
really didn't do much for me, so kill me.
Speaker 2: So for a moment there though, it looked like the
Statue of Liberty was just shitting blood. And then it
just kind of turned into a Ti Die technicolor turd
of explosions.
Speaker 3: Well an American turn it was rede Yeah.
Speaker 1: Sure, as it should be naturally.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Speaker 1: Honestly, I guess in a way you made yourself disappear. No,
I'm a magician.
Speaker 5: Wow.
Speaker 3: I didn't think about it like that.
Speaker 5: Shut Wow, God damn it. That should have been my plan.
B is, like, all right, if I die, at least
have somebody come out and go.
Speaker 3: That was the plan.
Speaker 4: That was Kurt not there for your big final act.
Speaker 5: H Kurt Loves. How do I put this methamphetamines? Oh
he's doing uppers downers. So you never really know what
you're gonna get on any given second with Kurt, you
know whether he's up or down, and at that moment
he was passed out oron Ellis Island.
Speaker 3: It sucks. We never really got to.
Speaker 1: Say goodbye and right when you need it. Yeah, have
you spoken to Kurt since? Is he dead or alive?
Or surely he's dead?
Speaker 2: I mean if he lives the same kind of lifestyle
you do and he's got meth in his system.
Speaker 5: You know, I don't think Kirk can down. I assume
kurk do things that I would never do. And I'm
the fucking Chris Blaine of fireworks.
Speaker 3: Man.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this guy, he's.
Speaker 5: Like the Keith Richards of the trailer park. Really, no
matter what, Kirk will be there. You don't like to
see Kurt. Not many people do.
Speaker 3: He's got he's runnings with the laws. I just known
him since I was one years old. What do you
want from me? Man? You want me to fucking kick
Kirk to the curb?
Speaker 1: No, of course, not no, no, no, And that would
be challenging with your leg's not being attached anyway, exactly.
Speaker 3: Well, in my current state, I'm not going fucking anywhere.
I hope you can become friends.
Speaker 1: You're stuck with me, Clayton and Chris. It's us Chris Blaine, Yes, Chris.
He said that Kurt had some run ins with the law.
Did you ever have any run ins with the law?
I mean, because fireworks, I have run ins with the law.
Speaker 5: You know, like fireworks are a touchy subject in America, right,
some places that are illegal.
Speaker 3: What.
Speaker 5: Yeah, sometimes that's kind of how you make your living
as a fireworks kind of sewer. You go to the
nearest place where fireworks are illegal, you go right across
that state border to work they are, and you're the
fucking man, all right, you are.
Speaker 3: The man of that town. Yeah, you know where you
can get fireworks?
Speaker 5: Oh that guy that weird stand, you know with his
fucking pass out friend Kurt on the side of the road.
You know. So that's kind of where I got my
starts in one of those stands you ever seen, like
good Fellows and shit. I was like one of those
mafia guys. Yeah, I had a territory. You don't fucking
sell black cats in my fucking territory without waking up
with a bunch of black cats in your mouth, or
a horse head fill of black cats in your bed
or something.
Speaker 1: Oh I thought you're gonna say, a cat's head in
your bed.
Speaker 3: God, I always forget that black cats are named after
actual animal.
Speaker 1: Yeah they are, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you really like stuffing fireworks into things.
Speaker 5: That is what I'm all about. Basically, anyone can put
one fucking bottle rocket coming out of your asshole. Okay,
you think I'm impressed with that shit.
Speaker 1: Well, that impressed you little.
Speaker 2: It is funny seeing like when they should naturally release
the bottle rocket, they clinched their ass tighter, which holds
the bottle rocket, which causes the sparks. It's funny to
continue to Yeah, it's good, it's fun, it's entertainment.
Speaker 5: One of the funniest things you could possibly see is
someone putting a fire work of any kind in their
buttle and having a two doc Now, imagine that person
and how cool you think they are. Imagine someone right
next to that person and like, guess what, I got
two fireworks in my asshole.
Speaker 3: God damn, that guy's twice as cool.
Speaker 5: And then you imagine, right next to that person, someone
would double that. It's like you were just cooler and cooler.
The more fireworks you're having, your asshole exponentially. Yeah, if
you were just stuffed to maximum capacity like me, you
can't get cooler than fucking that.
Speaker 1: Did you ever accidentally put the firework in backward.
Speaker 3: So loutly, yes, absolut fuckingly.
Speaker 5: That actually kind of helped me the first time I
did that, because it made my asshole like four feet
deeper than most peoples it went all the way up.
My coling goes up to my throat. Oh, because I've
like created so much room. There's been so many explosions
inside there that are just as like expanded.
Speaker 1: It's like a cheat code.
Speaker 2: At that point, you like unlocked a new level of
being able to show fireworks up your own ass, kind
of like the end of the Grinch.
Speaker 3: No one will ever break my record.
Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly, my asshole gained three sizes that day or whatever.
Speaker 3: The fuck?
Speaker 1: Wow, that's crazy, it was crazy.
Speaker 3: Y'all want to hear my morning routine?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, well, before we get into that, Chris Blaine,
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have another really fun segment Chris Blaine.
Speaker 1: One thing that we do here on this show is
we roast people who support us.
Speaker 5: You barbecue them, well, you eat them. And I figured
it light way Kenny Rogers.
Speaker 1: People who go to good Morning from Hell dot com
and support us on our hatreon, they can submit to
get roasted, like Jeffrey Ross. Yeah, you're the Jeffrey Ross
of Hell. Sure, I don't know.
Speaker 2: Can you google that to make sure if that's not a
guy that's like canceled before we agreeeded that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's the roastmass from General.
Speaker 1: Whoa oh yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, sure sure, sure, sure yeah yeah.
Speaker 2: This is how we make our money, which I want
to put a pin in how you make your money
because I'm so curious how much money there is in
Psycho Firework Magic.
Speaker 5: I know this isn't a comedy podcast, but I figured
y'all would know about a comedian Roastmaster General.
Speaker 1: We'll put a black cat instead of a pen.
Speaker 3: Yes that's what you're used to.
Speaker 4: Yeah, anyways, we're gonna get into the roast.
Speaker 2: Feel free to chime in, Chris Plaine please, Okay, so
this is from Casey. I love making people laugh, even
at my own expense, I'm awkward, clumsy, and down for
just about anything. Oh okay, as far as hobbies.
Speaker 3: Hanging out with her Sunshine band sorry.
Speaker 2: Casey and the Sunshine, Yes, gotcha, case Roasty Casey.
Speaker 1: It's a seventy year old band.
Speaker 4: Casey works as a security guard at a bowling alley.
Speaker 3: Cool.
Speaker 4: You might have run into her before, Actually, Chris.
Speaker 1: Plaine, this sounds awesome. Yeah.
Speaker 2: They train in MMA and play video games yes, Fortnite ha.
They love going to the beach to bodyboard and play
a handful of instruments. It's a pretty complex person. What
kind of bowling alley do you need to have security?
Are people stealing the shoes? Are you pinning them on
the lanes with your MMA fighting style?
Speaker 5: I get it because bowling alleys are a source of
hoodlums where I come from. It's like Nickel Pitcher beer
night over at the bowling alley. You're like four games
deep and get into some fight about you're over the line.
You see big Lebowski. You know that kind of shit? Yeah,
someone pulls a gun on someone and turn them and play.
I mean, you know, anything gonna happen in the fucking
bowling alley if you got pictures flowing for sure.
Speaker 1: A lot of cigarette burns on the arms for these folks.
Speaker 3: Absolutely.
Speaker 2: As far as embarrassing stories and confessions, they said they
once made a TikTok about a dream they had with
Demmy Lovado. I really don't know what I was thinking
and immediately deleted it because it was so embarrassing. Some
people I knew saw it and they never let me
live it down. No, I've ever tell people about your
dreams ever. Also, don't post things on the internet, like,
don't go on the internet talking about cumjin's and stuff
like that, because you know, if you're gonna try to
become something later down the road, people are gonna remember that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, or at the.
Speaker 5: Very least do it under a pseudonym. Unfortunately, Clayton here
as fuck, you know.
Speaker 2: So Yeah, Chris though, I mean, Chris is all these
terrible things on this show, and this is just going
to carry on with him.
Speaker 4: Well, thankfully, there's a lot of chris Is like Chris Blaine.
Speaker 3: Thank goodness.
Speaker 1: Well, don't mention the last name. Oh sorry, I have
a question too about this person. So they practice MMA
in their spare time. Is that just getting beat up?
They just get beat up all the time. Is that
what practicing Mma is Casey.
Speaker 2: Might be the one that's doing the beating. If they're
out there doing bodyboarding, then they've probably got a good core.
I'm sure that Casey's pretty strong and being a Bowl
Alley security guard, they probably know how to tumble, you know,
m she could probably rip your dick off, Chris, if
I'm being quite honest.
Speaker 1: If it wasn't already off, that's very true. Good point. Okay,
moving on.
Speaker 5: I don't know, Casey sounds like a turkey to me.
That's a bowling reference.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, roasting.
Speaker 1: Or ass got her? Okay, moving on to Java.
Speaker 2: Java is a teenager who loves Pokemon, D and D
and anything else nerdy. Oh, I have a lot of
social troubles at school for being the fat gay nerd
and want to see if you guys can be more
cruel than kids in middle school aka the ninth three
of Hell after Florida.
Speaker 1: That's impossible. No one is meaner than kids in middle school.
Speaker 3: So oh yeah, they're saying themselves.
Speaker 2: Oh man, they said, don't hold back, but I really
kind of want to their Java.
Speaker 1: I mean, those think you got a rough already. Let
me see.
Speaker 2: As far as hobbies, they say, I'm currently looking for
a job and do odd jobs like snow shoveling and mowing.
Hobbies include playing Pokemon, collecting and trading Pokemon cards, playing
D and D, playing with my cat and dogs. So
do you play Pokemon and D and D with your
cats and dogs? That's my interpretation. You got to catch
some new friends then If that's the case, gott to
catch them all, or at least at least one or two.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Oh man, I just can't imagine that Java is not
listening to this from the inside of a locker right now.
Moving on, Java says that they are non binary and
that they're in a gay theater group. They are trying
to collect all the rares. Yeah yeah, all the shinies,
the shiny Pokemon.
Speaker 1: Yeah okay.
Speaker 2: And then, as far as an embarrassing story, Java says
that they were in a theater class with some other
people and that they were thinking about doing a sketch
about periods, but then Java didn't know what periods were,
and then everyone had to explain to Java what a
period is.
Speaker 1: And you know, those middle school kids smelled blood in
the water. It's not bad. Chris that's not bad. Well, hey,
coffee person, guess what. I don't think.
Speaker 3: Your fat or gay are nerdy enough.
Speaker 5: Okay, if you're ever fucking taking a fuse from a
bone shaker in your.
Speaker 2: Asshole, Chris plain, I do have to remind you that
this is I don't want to call them a child,
but they are in high school.
Speaker 1: But you didn't tell me that. I just want you
to be aware.
Speaker 5: Well, this is all under the assumption that might people
work twenty one and up.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, boom roasted super duper. Thank you guys for
writing in to get roasted, Casey and Java. If you
guys want to get roasted, you can sign up for
our patreon. We have a submission for him for all
patrons for them to get roasted. We do those sporadically,
and we also do some shout outs here and there.
Speaker 1: But yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2: That means that you guys supported the show, and that
must be really hard when you're in high school, you
don't have a job and you're getting taught what a
period is by all of your classmates.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Fuck that.
Speaker 1: Good morning from hell dot com. If anyone's interested, that's right.
Speaker 4: Okay, So Psycho Firework magic.
Speaker 1: Tell us about a day in your life or what
was your life?
Speaker 5: I wake up, huh after a long night because obviously,
if you're into fireworks, you're a night out. That makes
sense because that's when you can see the fucking things,
you know what I'm saying. Yeah, Otherwise we're just kind
of squint and you're like, oh, I think that was cool,
but it's like fucking brightest shit out here. So anyway,
I wake up usually around one PM. I take all
the pallor out of a warhawk and I brush my
teeth with it, okay, and then I do a couple
of lines of the same shit.
Speaker 3: Then I put the rest in my pickle juice.
Speaker 1: U Huh. Kurt starts his mornings with a couple of
lines too.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he also sprinkles in the real shit in there too.
But we love Kurt. He's gonna live till he's one
hundred and fifty. At least you like bacon, You like
eating breakfast and shit.
Speaker 5: I used to and I was able to you ever
hear about the sky bacon crackling comet sky bacon. That's
a brand sky bacon. I have my bacon with a
side of the sky bacon. Crack with common.
Speaker 4: Oh skybeeait's a fireworks.
Speaker 3: I'm eating fireworks in the morning.
Speaker 4: Okay, god, okay, got it.
Speaker 1: That's good.
Speaker 3: If you want to live your art, you gotta be
your art. How do you be? You are what you eat?
You ever heard that shit? Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Fuck it? Yeah, dude, you took that literally?
Speaker 3: Huh? I took it as literally as fuck.
Speaker 5: And I'm at least seven percent fireworks last time I
took a physical is what they told me. And I'm
pretty sure that's more than most people. I am highly flammable.
I do not go to the gas stations and stuff.
Speaker 1: Judging by this wheelbarrow, I would say way more than
seven percent exactly.
Speaker 3: I take that as a compliment.
Speaker 5: And then I take a shower in Dragon's Eggs. Artillery
sales Okay, yeah, are they lit?
Speaker 3: Or are these like? No? No, no, no no. I like
the text sh ah, it's a dust shower.
Speaker 1: Fire is Nature's cleanser.
Speaker 3: I'm a big survivor fan too. And then that show
Fire is Your Life.
Speaker 2: You know how when you go to a fireworks stand
and they'll say something like buy one.
Speaker 4: Get five free. Yes, do you like take advantage of
those sales?
Speaker 2: Because that can't be sustainable for a business, right, Well,
it's a little bit.
Speaker 5: Of voodoo math really, if you're asking me, I mean,
the firework economy is actually booming.
Speaker 1: They're hotter than that. It's good.
Speaker 5: That's a good I don't remember during the pandemic when
everyone was like I hear fireworks twenty four to seven. Yeah,
oh yeah, that was like a thing that went around
and I was like, why is everyone having fireworks? Well,
basically business has been booming ever since that moment. People
fuck love fireworks and that's never gonna slow down. In
terms of what you're talking about. The deals and shit,
a fucking black cat is like a fraction of a penny,
So basically they're already selling them, probably five for a dollar.
But then if you say, oh, buy one, get four free,
you just feel like you got some shit for free,
when really you didn't get fucking anything for free.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a sales tactic.
Speaker 5: Okay, same things they do, like we dispursederies and stuff.
Speaker 3: Oh, all these good deals, but really, yeah, it's already
baked in.
Speaker 1: So Chris Blaine, Yes, Chris, what are your thoughts on explosives?
Do those count as fireworks? Like at what point does
something become a firework and what point does it become
a bomb?
Speaker 3: That's a very good question, huh.
Speaker 5: There's a discussion in the firework community, similar to like
in the NBA, like is Michael Jordan or Lebron James.
Speaker 3: The best basketball player of our time?
Speaker 5: People will point like, all right, what's the best fireworks
show of all time? Everyone has their favorites, But the
San Diego fireworks show from about twenty and eleven or so,
y' all know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 4: Is where they set up all of them at once.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Yeah, the entire fireworks show got set off at once.
So some people are like, that is clearly the best
fireworks show of all time. Just boom, one, big explosion,
everything it was blow you're fucking low, give it to
me in one second, all at once explosion.
Speaker 3: And then some people like, is that really a fireworks show?
Speaker 5: I mean, that's just basically a big bomb that went off,
and it was kind of dangerous and it's really not
much to look at, and it's not as.
Speaker 3: Cool as ooo boo booh like one afternoett music going on.
Speaker 5: But some people like they're really adrenaline junkies, like I
am look at that fucking San Diego thing go.
Speaker 3: I don't know if I'll ever see a better firework
show than that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, every fucking one once. That sounds awesome. Would you
consider as far as like a competitor, Timothy McVay, would
you consider them a fireworks explicive?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: What are your thoughts on, Timothy McVeigh. I actually want
to hear your take on this.
Speaker 1: That's a great question.
Speaker 5: You know, I'd never really considered that, Timothy mcveay. You
can see the flip side saying, you know, he was
just giving a personal fireworks show to all of those
individuals in the federal government.
Speaker 1: Well, huh, maybe he is.
Speaker 3: One of the founding fathers of.
Speaker 5: Well you know how there's like close up match.
Speaker 3: Like David Blade was been close up magic. It's like
close some fireworks show. Timoth Evan Fay is like the
David Blaine of close up firework.
Speaker 5: Magic, even though interesting, the Chris Angel David Blaane of
mainly the subgenre of where you've sticking up your asshole.
I don't think he was a into that, but I
have never thought about it like that, and I think
I agree with you, Chris.
Speaker 2: That's an interesting interpretation that you guys both collectively came
up together.
Speaker 1: With God Bless American and God Bless him.
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, well you know, uh, you know, I
do have to ask though in your time as being
a quote psycho firework magician.
Speaker 3: That's a term other people use.
Speaker 5: I don't think it's psycho, but you know, I understand
how it seems that was sure.
Speaker 1: Timothy McVay said the same. Yeah, did you have.
Speaker 2: Run ins with the law where you ever considered like
a threat to the government.
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 5: Yes, it is illegal in many states. But I've shot
off fireworks out of my asshole out of every single
state in the Union.
Speaker 3: So I have broken law multiple times.
Speaker 5: I've gotten caught, paid my time, okay, and I feel
like I've did my service by evangelizing to the people
on the inside about different orfices that they could safely
stick up fireworks and stuff. So I've done community service
for this. I've paid my dues. But sure, yes, I
am seen as a very dangerous individual in many states.
Speaker 3: I don't think it's warrant it.
Speaker 5: All I'm doing is trying to basically entertain people, as
you guys can see, but it is highly dangerous and
you know how there's like warning signs, like you can
be filmed here for a music video shoot or something.
You know, anytime I'm doing a show, I'd like to
go around the town and just say it is not
safe to be here this weekend, in the entire town.
Speaker 1: Basically anywhere you're at, it's not safe to be You're
kind of giving like a blankets bomb thread of sorts. Well, right,
but I say.
Speaker 3: It's not safe.
Speaker 5: I'm giving them a warning, though I wouldn't just do
it without the warning. At least twelve hours before I'm
putting on a show. I'm blanketing the town with my
propaganda that they know what's up. So if they want
to get out and be safe, I've given that opportunity.
So I'm not doing anything I have to see as
like dangerous to other people, even though people have gotten
badly hurt and I have destroyed a lot of property
and I do regret about eight percent of that.
Speaker 2: I can see how you think what you're doing isn't wrong.
Chris Blaine, thank you.
Speaker 1: So do you have any plans for the fourth of
July down here in Hell? Yeah? What are your big plans?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 5: I love how hot it is down here. You go
that nice open flame, and so I was thinking about
stuff and a bunch of diamond sun fountains into some
raw ham doing a reverse rotissery for everyone down here
in Hell.
Speaker 2: And those fireworks any sort of weird adjective combined with
weird now, and I just imagine.
Speaker 1: It's some sort of firework.
Speaker 5: It's a firework, a diamond sun fountain, you know, it
kind of shoots like a little volcano kind of, And
just imagine it inside of a turkey or a big
raw ham, and you're kind of like emblazoning it. It's
cooking from the inside as opposed to having fire and
toasted from the outside end. You're setting off the firework
volcano inside of it and then roasting it from the
inside out.
Speaker 3: Okay, reverse rotissery.
Speaker 2: That sounds delicious, and you don't need to worry about
the seasoning because it's got like gunpowder and diamond Yeah probably, yeah, yeah,
what is your official job down here in Hell?
Speaker 5: I gotta be honest, life's been a little more difficult
now that I'm in one to through.
Speaker 3: Forty five parts here.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, like that's been the biggest thing. But honestly,
in a weird way. Yeah, I've been reinvigorated with creativity,
Like I can take my arm, hold my heart. Yeah,
while it's still beating, stuff a fucking bulk and sparkle
into that thing, and I'm getting more into my art
for me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's very off on guard. Yeah, you'd be
really good at to solve the magician in half trick.
Speaker 5: No one really believes that for me anymore. Yeah, they
kind of look at me. They go, all right, well
you're in forty five pieces. But I have been busking
a lot down into the highway to hell.
Speaker 3: You've ever gone down that road? Yeah, yeah, of course,
of course, yeah, yeah, yeah, Well busk and I work
on my art.
Speaker 1: What is busking on the highway light?
Speaker 3: Someone comes up? I have a firework cam?
Speaker 1: Okay, right, sure.
Speaker 3: Honestly I put a.
Speaker 5: Couple of my own dollars in there at the beginning,
so people know that's what you're socially expected to do.
Speaker 3: If you're gonna sit here and watch me.
Speaker 5: Stuff fucking a black cat at my ass for the
billion time, I want you to know, like, give me
a little Yeah, I gotta eat sure, Hell, I gotta
pay for this fucking reverse for tissery here on July
fourth and stuff like that. I'm basically kind of becoming
the Timothy McVay of hell, close up fireworks magic for people.
Speaker 1: Would I think the Timothy Bay of Hell. But I
see what you're going for, all right.
Speaker 3: That's kind of what I see myself as these days.
Speaker 1: With it being fourth to like upcoming. I think it
would be great if we could set you off.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, you're.
Speaker 1: Talking about the cumjin again, Chris. No, no, the fireworks
that are clicking. Oh yeah, dude, my kumjin.
Speaker 5: It's like forty five percent dragging egg gunpowder at this point,
so mine would be highly flammable, just so you know, you.
Speaker 2: Know, maybe Chris is onto something though, like that can
be the fuse. Oh my god, your snail trail, that's perfect.
Speaker 5: Okay, word, hell, here's now unlimited time here, right of course,
of course.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but it's about a thirty minute podcast, so yeah, yeah,
thirty minute podcasts. Okay, but shit, Okay, this might sound.
Speaker 5: Weird, but I'm gonna go to the cumjin jerk off
a couple of times, okay, sure, and I'm gonna make
a long row of it all the way down here. Okay, uh,
and I'm gonna put the entire you know, fuck it,
it's almost fourth of July. We're wanula, just blow our
whole load here of the cumsin today on this podcast.
Speaker 1: You say, yes, please, let's make it snow, you know, yeah,
snow on the fore?
Speaker 5: Whoa snow?
Speaker 1: Fucking gunpowder? Come no, baby? I like the way you
fucking Clayton. All right, Well it sounds like we've got
our night planned. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So the logistics are, he's gonna start jerking it here
all the way to the cumsin. He's gonna bring all
this Fireworkso okay, I just got one out. Bring all
of your fireworks to the cumsin. We'll come back to
the studio, will light the snail trail. It's gonna lead
to the cumsin, and it's gonna explode in a glorious
white hot shower.
Speaker 3: All right, I'm sorry, just rubbed another one.
Speaker 1: All right, we got it. I made a detonator out
of my scroup. This is weird to see because watching
you jerk off is just the hand and a penis.
Speaker 5: Yeah, is my leg taking my hand and then rubbing
it together, optim dick. It's like a rude Goldberg machine
to fucking make me jack off these days.
Speaker 3: Anyway, I got enough fuel here, so you let me
know when we go boom.
Speaker 2: All right, awesome, awesome, Well we're gonna go do that.
Thank you for everyone for listening. I know you feel
happy that you listen to this episode. Hey, thank you
to our sponsors for this episode, big shout out. If
you want to financially support this show after listening to
this episode, you can go to good Morning from Hell
dot or just subscribe and tell your friends that does
a lot. This would be a good first episode to
introduce them to. I have to say.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I agree. Thank you, Chris Blaine. I'll help you wave.
Speaker 3: Oh, thank you, Yeah, yeah, my hands backwards. Okay, there
you go again, waving hand.
Speaker 1: Bye, Hoyton.
Speaker 4: I just remember on the fourth of July. You know
how we'll be celebrating.
Speaker 5: We're gonna stuck a phantom midnight howel or into a turkey,
make a fucking thanksgivin Rosha up than this motherfucker.
Speaker 4: Yeah, celebrate with us this fourth of July.
Speaker 1: Mega banger right up your nick hole? All right, see later.
Thank you Ryan Haley for coming on the show once again.
Where can people find more of you.
Speaker 3: That's a great question, Chris, Ryan Shorts. I'm releasing what
I think are funny.
Speaker 5: Videos every once in a while, usually every week or so.
Speaker 3: Ryan Shorts on YouTube, Ryan Shorts on Instagram. I'm like shorts,
you wear video shorts. I'm also on Twitch, usually every
on Wednesday night or Tuesday night. I'm doing it at
least once a week, but my times are inconsistent. Anyway,
that's at Ryan plus experience on Twitch. I think that's
everywhere I'm at.
Speaker 2: I encourage our audience to go follow Ryan because his
videos are like vice levels of like journalistic, like documentary. Shit,
you went too a Juggalo thing and we'll talk about
this in our post show, and I was riveted. I
have no interest in ever going to one of those,
but seeing your first hand account of the Juggalo what was.
Speaker 3: It called Gathering of the Juggalos, Baby, Gathering.
Speaker 4: Of the Juggalos. Good stuff. So please go follow Ryan.
Speaker 1: Please go. You also make amazing music videos.
Speaker 3: Oh appreciate that. I'm trying to make more music. Yeah, yeah,
that's another thing I'm kind of doing.
Speaker 1: They're very funny. Well, Ryan has crazy stories, so we're
gonna go talk to those, and while we're going to hell,
we'll see y'all next week.
Speaker 5: See next week. Thanks a lot for having me all
this is great. I'm glad y'all still kicking acid.
Speaker 1: Hell oh thanks man.
Speaker 3: Bye,