Speaker 1: What would you do if a singular moment changed your
Speaker 1: life forever? This Is Actually Happening is a weekly podcast
Speaker 1: from Wondery that features extraordinary, true stories of moments that
Speaker 1: changed absolutely everything for ordinary people. These riveting stories are
Speaker 1: told in first person, so you can experience it through
Speaker 1: their eyes. In an all new episode, you'll hear from
Speaker 1: a woman who grew up in a tumultuous and toxic household.
Speaker 1: To cope, she acted out excessively, drinking and partying into
Speaker 1: her early twenties. She even fell for a questionable guy
Speaker 1: and got pregnant, But that relationship was a wake up call,
Speaker 1: and soon enough she pulled her life together, found a
Speaker 1: better man, settled down, and had another child. But just
Speaker 1: as everything seemed to be coming together, she experienced a
Speaker 1: moment that is every mother's ultimate horror. We've all had
Speaker 1: powerful moments in our lives that have given us the
Speaker 1: feeling of nothing is ever going to be the same.
Speaker 1: This is Actually Happening explores these moments head on. These immersive,
Speaker 1: gripping stories will have you on the edge of your
Speaker 1: seat waiting to hear what will happen next. You're about
Speaker 1: to hear a preview of this is Actually Happening while
Speaker 1: you're listening. Follow This Is Actually Happening on Amazon Music,
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or you can listen ad free by joining
Speaker 1: Wondery Plus in the Wondery app Wondery feel the story.
Speaker 2: There's really no way to explain how it feels when
Speaker 2: you realize one decision you made in an instant altered
Speaker 2: the life of everyone around you.
Speaker 3: From Wondering, I'm wit Missildyne. You're listening to This Is
Speaker 3: Actually Happening Episode two oh one. What if you believed
Speaker 3: it was all your fault?
Speaker 2: I grew up in a small town. I've lived here
Speaker 2: pretty much my whole life. My parents have been together
Speaker 2: since they were fourteen years old. Very salt of the
Speaker 2: earth people, the hardest workers I've ever met. My mom
Speaker 2: was an ear nurse. My dad was a railroad conductor.
Speaker 2: I had lots of stability when it comes to housing
Speaker 2: and things and material possessions, but my dad had some
Speaker 2: unresolved childhood trauma that created a lot of chaos when
Speaker 2: I was growing up. In regards to drinking, he drank
Speaker 2: a lot. And my mom, who was very meek and
Speaker 2: mild and docile, her main goal on earth was basically
Speaker 2: to placate him. There was a lot of tiptoeing, walking
Speaker 2: on eggshells, and I just thought that's how every dad was.
Speaker 2: My childhood was great in a lot of ways. We
Speaker 2: went on vacations, we played in the creek, we played sports,
Speaker 2: But there was always that dark part, Like when we
Speaker 2: saw my dad's headlights pull in the driveway at night.
Speaker 2: We had run and hide in our rooms because we
Speaker 2: didn't know what kind of mood he was going to
Speaker 2: be in, what would trigger him, and how ugly it
Speaker 2: could potentially get. You know, the smallest thing my mom
Speaker 2: didn't make his corn the way he liked. If my
Speaker 2: mom picked up a new bottle of shampoo and he
Speaker 2: would start accusing her, why are you buying new shampoo?
Speaker 2: Who are you trying to impress? My dad? When I
Speaker 2: was sixteen, he punched me in the mouth and knocked
Speaker 2: my front tooth out because I was defending my mom.
Speaker 2: There was a lot of hostility there for a long time.
Speaker 2: I forgive him now, but it was just very unpredictable.
Speaker 2: My mom had a full time job trying to keep
Speaker 2: the peace and just keep him calm, and me and
Speaker 2: my brother felt emotionally neglected because she was so invested
Speaker 2: in keeping him calm, we kinda sat on the sidelines
Speaker 2: and didn't get the attention she showed us. She loved
Speaker 2: us in a million different ways, but to verbalize it
Speaker 2: or physically show affection, she just didn't have an enter
Speaker 2: because I think my dad just sucked her dry. As
Speaker 2: ironic as it sounds, even though my dad was the
Speaker 2: volatile one with the serious drinking problem, he's the one
Speaker 2: I never doubted his love. I was always very secure
Speaker 2: in his love for me, no matter how bad things
Speaker 2: got between us, I knew his love for me was unwavering.
Speaker 2: Where is my mom? For a long time, I doubted
Speaker 2: that that love even existed. So as angry as I
Speaker 2: would be at my dad a lot, the end of
Speaker 2: the day, no matter how bad it got, my dad
Speaker 2: would tell me he loved me. Growing up, I've always
Speaker 2: been a larger girl. My brother and I were both
Speaker 2: overweight growing up, and we are as adults. My mom,
Speaker 2: since she couldn't verbalize her love or show physical affection,
Speaker 2: she showed us through food through feeding us down home
Speaker 2: southern mama cooking. Because the guilt she had of not
Speaker 2: being able to be readily available, she wanted us to
Speaker 2: eat our feelings. She dealt with a lot of food insecurity,
Speaker 2: and I think that's one thing she had with her
Speaker 2: mom growing up, is that feeling of uncertainty because the
Speaker 2: food security, not knowing if she was going to be
Speaker 2: able to eat. So I think it just exacerbated her
Speaker 2: need to feed me and my brother. Even more so
Speaker 2: the consequences it caused for my self esteem growing up
Speaker 2: and in my early adulthood. You know, I was always
Speaker 2: the fat friend. You know, I was smart, I was pretty,
Speaker 2: I was funny, but I was the fat one. Growing
Speaker 2: up like that and being overweight really did give me
Speaker 2: a self image that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't
Speaker 2: good enough to be my mom's daughter because I wasn't
Speaker 2: a cheerleader in a home coming queen and small and petite.
Speaker 2: I wasn't good enough to be a girlfriend. It was
Speaker 2: hard to be at that critical point in your life
Speaker 2: and just feel like you have nothing to offer anyone.
Speaker 2: I was an extrovert. I had a lot of friends.
Speaker 2: I was kind of the loud and boisterous one. I
Speaker 2: liked to have the attention, and I just really tried
Speaker 2: to make my mom's life easy because her hands were
Speaker 2: so full that I just I tried to be a
Speaker 2: good kid. So that's the type of child I was.
Speaker 2: And then all hell sort of broke loose. I went
Speaker 2: buck wild. I was tired of the toxicity of my
Speaker 2: home life. I was tired of not receiving the attention
Speaker 2: and love that I felt that I needed. I would
Speaker 2: not come home at night, I would be out drinking.
Speaker 2: I was having a lot of fights with my mom
Speaker 2: and my dad, just letting them know how angry I
Speaker 2: was and how I felt cheated out of love. Somehow
Speaker 2: I managed to be rebellious and keep a really good
Speaker 2: cover on it for a long time. I maintained fantastic
Speaker 2: grades in school. I really lived in a lot of capacities,
Speaker 2: kind of a double life. My friends in high school
Speaker 2: did not know about the extent of the promiscuity, the drinking,
Speaker 2: the occasional drug use. I mean, I was even telling
Speaker 2: stories that weren't true. I was making up stories just
Speaker 2: to get attention, just to get some kind of recognition,
Speaker 2: because I felt empty.
Speaker 1: You've just heard a preview of this is actually happening.
Speaker 1: Listen to the rest of this episode. Wherever you get
Speaker 1: your podcasts