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<v Speaker 1>What would you do if a singular moment changed your

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<v Speaker 1>life forever? This Is Actually Happening is a weekly podcast

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<v Speaker 1>from Wondery that features extraordinary, true stories of moments that

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<v Speaker 1>changed absolutely everything for ordinary people. These riveting stories are

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<v Speaker 1>told in first person, so you can experience it through

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<v Speaker 1>their eyes. In an all new episode, you'll hear from

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<v Speaker 1>a woman who grew up in a tumultuous and toxic household.

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<v Speaker 1>To cope, she acted out excessively, drinking and partying into

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<v Speaker 1>her early twenties. She even fell for a questionable guy

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<v Speaker 1>and got pregnant, But that relationship was a wake up call,

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<v Speaker 1>and soon enough she pulled her life together, found a

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<v Speaker 1>better man, settled down, and had another child. But just

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<v Speaker 1>as everything seemed to be coming together, she experienced a

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<v Speaker 1>moment that is every mother's ultimate horror. We've all had

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<v Speaker 1>powerful moments in our lives that have given us the

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<v Speaker 1>feeling of nothing is ever going to be the same.

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<v Speaker 1>This is Actually Happening explores these moments head on. These immersive,

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<v Speaker 1>gripping stories will have you on the edge of your

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<v Speaker 1>seat waiting to hear what will happen next. You're about

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<v Speaker 1>to hear a preview of this is Actually Happening while

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<v Speaker 1>you're listening. Follow This Is Actually Happening on Amazon Music,

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<v Speaker 1>Apple Podcasts, or you can listen ad free by joining

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<v Speaker 1>Wondery Plus in the Wondery app Wondery feel the story.

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<v Speaker 2>There's really no way to explain how it feels when

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<v Speaker 2>you realize one decision you made in an instant altered

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<v Speaker 2>the life of everyone around you.

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<v Speaker 3>From Wondering, I'm wit Missildyne. You're listening to This Is

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<v Speaker 3>Actually Happening Episode two oh one. What if you believed

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<v Speaker 3>it was all your fault?

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<v Speaker 2>I grew up in a small town. I've lived here

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<v Speaker 2>pretty much my whole life. My parents have been together

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<v Speaker 2>since they were fourteen years old. Very salt of the

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<v Speaker 2>earth people, the hardest workers I've ever met. My mom

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<v Speaker 2>was an ear nurse. My dad was a railroad conductor.

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<v Speaker 2>I had lots of stability when it comes to housing

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<v Speaker 2>and things and material possessions, but my dad had some

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<v Speaker 2>unresolved childhood trauma that created a lot of chaos when

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<v Speaker 2>I was growing up. In regards to drinking, he drank

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<v Speaker 2>a lot. And my mom, who was very meek and

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<v Speaker 2>mild and docile, her main goal on earth was basically

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<v Speaker 2>to placate him. There was a lot of tiptoeing, walking

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<v Speaker 2>on eggshells, and I just thought that's how every dad was.

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<v Speaker 2>My childhood was great in a lot of ways. We

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<v Speaker 2>went on vacations, we played in the creek, we played sports,

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<v Speaker 2>But there was always that dark part, Like when we

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<v Speaker 2>saw my dad's headlights pull in the driveway at night.

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<v Speaker 2>We had run and hide in our rooms because we

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<v Speaker 2>didn't know what kind of mood he was going to

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<v Speaker 2>be in, what would trigger him, and how ugly it

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<v Speaker 2>could potentially get. You know, the smallest thing my mom

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<v Speaker 2>didn't make his corn the way he liked. If my

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<v Speaker 2>mom picked up a new bottle of shampoo and he

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<v Speaker 2>would start accusing her, why are you buying new shampoo?

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<v Speaker 2>Who are you trying to impress? My dad? When I

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<v Speaker 2>was sixteen, he punched me in the mouth and knocked

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<v Speaker 2>my front tooth out because I was defending my mom.

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<v Speaker 2>There was a lot of hostility there for a long time.

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<v Speaker 2>I forgive him now, but it was just very unpredictable.

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<v Speaker 2>My mom had a full time job trying to keep

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<v Speaker 2>the peace and just keep him calm, and me and

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<v Speaker 2>my brother felt emotionally neglected because she was so invested

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<v Speaker 2>in keeping him calm, we kinda sat on the sidelines

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<v Speaker 2>and didn't get the attention she showed us. She loved

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<v Speaker 2>us in a million different ways, but to verbalize it

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<v Speaker 2>or physically show affection, she just didn't have an enter

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<v Speaker 2>because I think my dad just sucked her dry. As

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<v Speaker 2>ironic as it sounds, even though my dad was the

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<v Speaker 2>volatile one with the serious drinking problem, he's the one

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<v Speaker 2>I never doubted his love. I was always very secure

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<v Speaker 2>in his love for me, no matter how bad things

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<v Speaker 2>got between us, I knew his love for me was unwavering.

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<v Speaker 2>Where is my mom? For a long time, I doubted

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<v Speaker 2>that that love even existed. So as angry as I

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<v Speaker 2>would be at my dad a lot, the end of

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<v Speaker 2>the day, no matter how bad it got, my dad

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<v Speaker 2>would tell me he loved me. Growing up, I've always

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<v Speaker 2>been a larger girl. My brother and I were both

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<v Speaker 2>overweight growing up, and we are as adults. My mom,

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<v Speaker 2>since she couldn't verbalize her love or show physical affection,

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<v Speaker 2>she showed us through food through feeding us down home

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<v Speaker 2>southern mama cooking. Because the guilt she had of not

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<v Speaker 2>being able to be readily available, she wanted us to

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<v Speaker 2>eat our feelings. She dealt with a lot of food insecurity,

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<v Speaker 2>and I think that's one thing she had with her

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<v Speaker 2>mom growing up, is that feeling of uncertainty because the

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<v Speaker 2>food security, not knowing if she was going to be

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<v Speaker 2>able to eat. So I think it just exacerbated her

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<v Speaker 2>need to feed me and my brother. Even more so

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<v Speaker 2>the consequences it caused for my self esteem growing up

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<v Speaker 2>and in my early adulthood. You know, I was always

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<v Speaker 2>the fat friend. You know, I was smart, I was pretty,

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<v Speaker 2>I was funny, but I was the fat one. Growing

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<v Speaker 2>up like that and being overweight really did give me

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<v Speaker 2>a self image that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't

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<v Speaker 2>good enough to be my mom's daughter because I wasn't

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<v Speaker 2>a cheerleader in a home coming queen and small and petite.

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<v Speaker 2>I wasn't good enough to be a girlfriend. It was

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<v Speaker 2>hard to be at that critical point in your life

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<v Speaker 2>and just feel like you have nothing to offer anyone.

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<v Speaker 2>I was an extrovert. I had a lot of friends.

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<v Speaker 2>I was kind of the loud and boisterous one. I

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<v Speaker 2>liked to have the attention, and I just really tried

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<v Speaker 2>to make my mom's life easy because her hands were

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<v Speaker 2>so full that I just I tried to be a

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<v Speaker 2>good kid. So that's the type of child I was.

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<v Speaker 2>And then all hell sort of broke loose. I went

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<v Speaker 2>buck wild. I was tired of the toxicity of my

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<v Speaker 2>home life. I was tired of not receiving the attention

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<v Speaker 2>and love that I felt that I needed. I would

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<v Speaker 2>not come home at night, I would be out drinking.

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<v Speaker 2>I was having a lot of fights with my mom

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<v Speaker 2>and my dad, just letting them know how angry I

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<v Speaker 2>was and how I felt cheated out of love. Somehow

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<v Speaker 2>I managed to be rebellious and keep a really good

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<v Speaker 2>cover on it for a long time. I maintained fantastic

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<v Speaker 2>grades in school. I really lived in a lot of capacities,

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<v Speaker 2>kind of a double life. My friends in high school

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<v Speaker 2>did not know about the extent of the promiscuity, the drinking,

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<v Speaker 2>the occasional drug use. I mean, I was even telling

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<v Speaker 2>stories that weren't true. I was making up stories just

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<v Speaker 2>to get attention, just to get some kind of recognition,

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<v Speaker 2>because I felt empty.

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<v Speaker 1>You've just heard a preview of this is actually happening.

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<v Speaker 1>Listen to the rest of this episode. Wherever you get

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<v Speaker 1>your podcasts