1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:06,160
Speaker 1: The church was empty. It was just me, the candles,

2
00:00:06,519 --> 00:00:09,199
and the rain tapping against the stained glass like a

3
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:14,480
restless child. It had been storming since dusk, an unending

4
00:00:14,599 --> 00:00:19,000
curtain of water from a bruised sky. I sat in

5
00:00:19,079 --> 00:00:22,359
the confessional with my hands folded loosely in my lap

6
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:26,440
and my eyelids heavy, but not from a lack of sleep.

7
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,519
It had been a long day, with two funerals, a

8
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:35,200
hospital visit, and a broken boiler in the rectory. I

9
00:00:35,359 --> 00:00:38,719
just started to think I might close early when I

10
00:00:38,759 --> 00:00:41,399
heard the door at the back of the sanctuary open.

11
00:00:42,799 --> 00:00:46,159
A gust of wet air followed someone in, along with

12
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:51,079
hesitant footsteps, much different from a regular parishioner's confident pace.

13
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:58,320
I straightened, Then the curtain slid aside. I heard the

14
00:00:58,399 --> 00:01:01,399
soft squish of wet fabric as they settled on the

15
00:01:01,399 --> 00:01:05,920
opposite side of the confessional, then a faint rasp of

16
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:10,519
his breath, and how his weight shifted, like someone fighting

17
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:17,439
the instinct to bolt. Finally, he spoke, low and unsure

18
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:27,680
but clear, forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. The

19
00:01:27,799 --> 00:01:33,120
ritual took over. My voice came easily and automatic, though

20
00:01:33,239 --> 00:01:37,599
something in my chest had tightened God is always watching

21
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:42,480
my son, I said, speak freely. The Lord offers mercy

22
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:48,319
to all who seek it. At first, he said nothing

23
00:01:48,359 --> 00:01:52,480
in return. Yet the way the air changed betrayed his

24
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:57,159
lack of response. I knew then that he was going

25
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,959
to tell me something, and it wasn't going to be easy.

26
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,920
His voice came again, steadier, now, like he had stepped

27
00:02:06,959 --> 00:02:11,439
back into the safety of memory. I grew up on

28
00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:15,599
a farm, he said, Just me and my mama, out

29
00:02:15,639 --> 00:02:18,800
past the river bend, where the road turns to gravel.

30
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:24,719
We had no neighbors close enough to wave two. He

31
00:02:24,759 --> 00:02:30,120
exhaled slowly. She was a believer. She didn't just speak

32
00:02:30,159 --> 00:02:37,199
the word no, she lived it. Every evening before supper,

33
00:02:37,759 --> 00:02:41,719
she'd read from her old leather bound Bible. I remember

34
00:02:41,759 --> 00:02:45,560
her soft but unwavering voice. Even when the storms came

35
00:02:45,759 --> 00:02:49,840
and the lights flickered, she'd light a single candle and

36
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,960
read Psalm twenty three like it was a promise she

37
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:58,240
was making to both of us. He paused, and for

38
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,199
a second, I imagine, and he might be wiping his

39
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,479
eyes as he remembered a fond memory of his mom.

40
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:10,599
She carved crosses into everything, the fence posts, the barn, doors,

41
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,680
and even the wooden spoon she stirred us dough with.

42
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,680
She said it kept evil out, and reminded the Lord

43
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:23,960
we were watching back. His tone dipped into something warm

44
00:03:24,039 --> 00:03:30,080
and fond. It wasn't a fancy life, but it was ours.

45
00:03:30,719 --> 00:03:35,240
We had three hens, Pearl Marigold and little Sister, and

46
00:03:35,319 --> 00:03:38,319
a stubborn old goat named Moses, who chewed through more

47
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,680
of our laundry line than I'd like to admit. We

48
00:03:41,719 --> 00:03:45,360
had potatoes, turnips, and a patch of carrots that only

49
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:49,639
ever grew crooked. Sometimes we trayed our eggs for milk.

50
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,319
There was never more than we needed. But she always

51
00:03:54,360 --> 00:04:01,680
smiled when she said it, the Lord provides. I could

52
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:04,719
hear something shift in his breath, like he was close

53
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,439
to brushing up against the memory in which his I

54
00:04:07,479 --> 00:04:13,759
don't mind saw the truth. Winter was the hardest. I

55
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,240
remember one year she boiled onion skins just to make broth.

56
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,519
She told me it was French soup and made me

57
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,920
sit up straight, like you were in a Paris cafe.

58
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,839
She even folded a towel for me to use as

59
00:04:25,879 --> 00:04:31,759
a napkin. I believed her. That's the kind of woman

60
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:38,480
she was. She could make suffering, feel like theater. The

61
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:42,680
confessional had gone quiet around us, the storm muffled by

62
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:47,240
thick stone walls. But at that moment, I swear I

63
00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:50,800
could feel the cold of that farmhouse kitchen, the scratch

64
00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:54,600
of old quilts, and the soft light of candlewax dripping

65
00:04:54,639 --> 00:04:59,240
Beside a prayer. I let the silence hold between us,

66
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,759
on able to shake the feeling that whatever was to

67
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:06,240
come would be a heavyweight for us both to bear.

68
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:13,560
It started with Pearl, he said, the oldest hen. She

69
00:05:13,639 --> 00:05:18,839
stopped laying, which wasn't unusual, But then she started acting odd,

70
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:24,439
wondering in circles, pecking at her own feathers. One morning

71
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:28,399
I found her standing motionless in the yard, eyes leaking

72
00:05:28,439 --> 00:05:33,120
this dark red stuff like tears. She didn't squawk or anything.

73
00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:37,279
I ran to tell Mama. She looked at Pearl for

74
00:05:37,319 --> 00:05:42,399
a long time and whispered, And the next day Pearl

75
00:05:42,519 --> 00:05:47,600
was gone, buried. Mama said, but they never saw a shovel.

76
00:05:48,959 --> 00:05:54,279
Then it was Marigold, then little Sister, then Moses. All

77
00:05:54,319 --> 00:05:58,920
of them followed the same pattern their eyes. Something in

78
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:02,560
their eyes was just, But Mamma told me she'd take

79
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:07,920
care of it, and that everything would be okay. The

80
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:12,839
garden turned next. One by one. The carrots split open

81
00:06:12,879 --> 00:06:15,519
from the inside, like they'd been cooked in the dirt.

82
00:06:16,399 --> 00:06:20,439
The turnips came up black and soft, and the potatoes,

83
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:25,199
when we harvested them, were little more than husks, like

84
00:06:25,319 --> 00:06:29,480
something had suck them dry from the inside. I asked

85
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,319
if we were curst, and she said no, and that

86
00:06:33,199 --> 00:06:37,319
the Lord is testing us. I could tell she believed it.

87
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:42,519
She prayed harder than ever. She would hardly eat so

88
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,000
I could, And in the middle of the night I'd

89
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,839
find a knelt beside the kitchen window, whispering scripture to

90
00:06:49,879 --> 00:06:53,680
the wind, sometimes just mouthing the psalms into the dark.

91
00:06:55,839 --> 00:06:58,360
There was something sacred, and how he spoke of her,

92
00:06:59,079 --> 00:07:01,879
like a child calling the warmth of a hand that

93
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,000
always knew how to hold his without needing to say

94
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:10,360
a word. She didn't panic, not once did I think

95
00:07:10,519 --> 00:07:14,279
anything was wrong. She did everything to keep me calm.

96
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,279
Even when I asked what we'd do without food, she

97
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:26,800
just looked at me and smiled and said, he will provide.

98
00:07:27,079 --> 00:07:30,639
And in that moment I heard it, the quiet turn

99
00:07:30,759 --> 00:07:35,560
of something in his voice. It was the next morning,

100
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:40,319
he said, the frost hadn't even lifted when Mamma came

101
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,279
to me, her hands wrapped in a shawl, like she

102
00:07:43,399 --> 00:07:48,480
was cradling something delicate. She said, go to town to day.

103
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:53,279
Look for someone called, someone who's hungry. Bring them here.

104
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:59,079
The Lord reward's kindness. It made sense at the time.

105
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,639
That was how Mamma thought. When times were lean, you

106
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:08,519
gave more, You opened your door wider. That's what she

107
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:13,839
taught me. So I went. I walked all the way

108
00:08:13,879 --> 00:08:18,040
into town, kicking rocks and counting steps and praying i'd

109
00:08:18,079 --> 00:08:22,680
find someone to help. Near the train yard, I found

110
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,839
a man. He was older, wrapped in layers of newspaper

111
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:32,159
and threadbareed denim. He was humming to himself, eyes half closed,

112
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,879
like he was dreaming of food. I told him we

113
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,559
had warm soup and fresh bread, a barn to sleepin'

114
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:43,679
if he didn't mind the hay. He looked at me

115
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:49,799
like I was a ghost. Then he followed. Mamma greeted

116
00:08:49,879 --> 00:08:53,240
him like she'd known him all the life. She called

117
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,799
him brother. She sat him down at our little table

118
00:08:57,159 --> 00:09:00,679
and served him a bowl of stew. The smell was

119
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,960
so strong it made my mouth water, and the bread

120
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,679
was still warm. I don't remember where She said she

121
00:09:07,759 --> 00:09:11,159
got the flower. I didn't think to ask, in fear

122
00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:16,200
that it would disappear if I acknowledged it. He stayed

123
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,960
the night in the barn. I brought him an old

124
00:09:19,039 --> 00:09:22,879
quilt in a lantern. They thanked me and said we

125
00:09:22,919 --> 00:09:30,039
were angels. The next morning he was gone. Mama said

126
00:09:30,039 --> 00:09:33,720
he'd left early. She said he was grateful and traded

127
00:09:33,799 --> 00:09:39,879
us some things before he went. He inhaled, sharp and shallow.

128
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:47,840
There was meat on the table that morning, real meat, pink, marbled,

129
00:09:48,279 --> 00:09:52,000
steaming in its own broth. She said it was a

130
00:09:52,039 --> 00:09:57,360
blessing and the man had traded goods, and I I

131
00:09:57,399 --> 00:10:06,519
didn't question it, thanked God. After that we always had something,

132
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:12,399
not a lot, but enough. Every few weeks she'd send

133
00:10:12,399 --> 00:10:16,279
me again to find someone alone and hungry. I didn't

134
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:20,519
understand it. Then she started a new tradition where just

135
00:10:20,639 --> 00:10:24,639
before eating, she'd take white linen napkins from the drawer

136
00:10:24,799 --> 00:10:28,639
we only used on Christmas and carefully draped it over

137
00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:32,519
her head so it hung down like a veil. She

138
00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:36,679
told me to do the same. I remember the first time.

139
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,240
I giggled and said she looked like she was playing

140
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:44,600
dress up. But she didn't laugh. She just looked at

141
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,480
me through the cloth and said, that's the point, baby.

142
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:52,399
We hide our faces so God doesn't have to watch

143
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:56,639
us eat. We eat in private, hidden from the eyes

144
00:10:56,679 --> 00:11:03,200
of heaven, and then we'd say the same prayer, always

145
00:11:03,279 --> 00:11:06,440
the same words, like a song. Only the two of

146
00:11:06,519 --> 00:11:11,960
us knew. Lord, bless this meal, Bless the soul who

147
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,440
gave it, and keep our hands from shaking as we

148
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:20,320
take what was given in grace. She made me whisper

149
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:25,279
it three times before touching the spoon. It was never skipped,

150
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:34,039
he swallowed. We'd eat in silence, chew slowly, and pray

151
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:38,360
again when we were done. I was a child. I

152
00:11:38,399 --> 00:11:42,559
didn't understand. All I knew was I gained a weird

153
00:11:42,639 --> 00:11:49,399
sense of hunger that only that meal could quench. I

154
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:52,600
sat back slightly in the confessional, the warmth of the

155
00:11:52,639 --> 00:11:57,200
wood against my shoulder doing little to ground me. I

156
00:11:57,279 --> 00:12:00,080
wanted to believe this was all a metaphor, that he

157
00:12:00,159 --> 00:12:03,879
was speaking in the language of parable, of symbolic hunger

158
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:08,679
and strange rituals born of grief or madness. But some

159
00:12:08,879 --> 00:12:11,720
part of me there was a sharp and instinct honed

160
00:12:11,759 --> 00:12:15,320
from years of hearing the worst of people. Wondered where

161
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,960
those people he had brought home had gone, the ones

162
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,679
who never came back, who were needy yet still had

163
00:12:22,759 --> 00:12:29,159
things to trade. Still, I could not accuse that wasn't

164
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,440
my place. But I felt the hair at the back

165
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:36,840
of my neck begin to rise. I crossed myself quietly,

166
00:12:37,639 --> 00:12:42,639
more out of reflex than faith at that moment. I

167
00:12:42,799 --> 00:12:47,639
was thirteen when I found it. He continued. It had

168
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,279
rained the night before, and I was out behind the

169
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,840
barn dumping the meat scraps. Mama said we couldn't use

170
00:12:53,879 --> 00:12:56,879
for breakfast. Into the slop draft for the young pigs.

171
00:12:56,919 --> 00:13:01,679
We managed to buy something white bobbed up, half floating

172
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:09,679
in the grease. His voice trembled, now, just slightly. I

173
00:13:09,759 --> 00:13:13,440
thought it was a chicken bone. I reached in, thinking

174
00:13:13,519 --> 00:13:16,759
it wouldn't be good for them, but it was soft

175
00:13:16,799 --> 00:13:21,799
and pale. When I turned it in my fingers, I

176
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:31,559
saw the nail and the shape. Oh God. I squirmed

177
00:13:31,559 --> 00:13:35,600
in the silence, shifting slightly on the bench. The air

178
00:13:35,639 --> 00:13:39,519
inside the confessional felt too still, like the world itself

179
00:13:39,639 --> 00:13:43,639
was holding its breath with me, waiting for what came next.

180
00:13:44,919 --> 00:13:48,039
I clasped my hands tighter and kept my voice locked

181
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:53,879
behind my teeth. This was his moment, but God help me,

182
00:13:54,919 --> 00:14:00,559
I wanted it to pass. I walked into the kitchen

183
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,360
and held it out like I was handing her a riddle.

184
00:14:04,519 --> 00:14:08,840
She looked at it, then at me, and said, some

185
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:13,000
lambs are meant for the altar, like it was scripture,

186
00:14:13,639 --> 00:14:19,919
like I should have known already. His breath hitched. She said,

187
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,440
the desperate, the forgotten. They don't have much to give,

188
00:14:24,159 --> 00:14:27,720
so when they offer themselves in their weakness, we're supposed

189
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:34,440
to receive that. She said, it made us holy. My

190
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:39,080
hands tensed just enough for my knuckles to wake. There

191
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:43,639
it was a confirmation of my suspicion. The clarity of

192
00:14:43,679 --> 00:14:47,679
it made my stomach twist into knots. And yet I

193
00:14:47,759 --> 00:14:51,720
knew better. I am not a judge. I do not

194
00:14:51,799 --> 00:14:56,519
wield the sword, only the word. I have heard things

195
00:14:56,519 --> 00:14:58,919
in the booth that would make most men sleep with

196
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,720
the lights on. My duty has been and still is

197
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:09,159
to listen, to witness, to guide. But at that moment

198
00:15:09,759 --> 00:15:12,519
I could not deny to tremble in my breath or

199
00:15:12,559 --> 00:15:19,200
the heaviness that settled in my ribs. I nodded. He continued,

200
00:15:19,639 --> 00:15:23,000
his voice dull because that's what you do when you're

201
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:28,960
a child. Your Mamma's word is final. So I nodded

202
00:15:29,399 --> 00:15:32,919
and sat at the table. That night, I ate the

203
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,799
stew and wore the cloth to hide my sin from God.

204
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:42,919
But something had cracked. I started waking up, sweating, chewing

205
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,720
my tongue roar in my sleep. I stopped praying out loud,

206
00:15:46,759 --> 00:15:52,000
out of shame. I started skipping bites, then whole meals.

207
00:15:52,639 --> 00:15:58,519
She noticed, of course she noticed. One evening, she reached

208
00:15:58,519 --> 00:16:01,799
across the table and idly pulled the cloth off my head.

209
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,639
Her eyes didn't look angry, but they had gone hard,

210
00:16:07,159 --> 00:16:13,519
like cold river stones. Don't waste what's been given, she said.

211
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:16,879
Don't turn your nose up at blessings that cost someone

212
00:16:16,919 --> 00:16:21,720
else their place in the kingdom. I nodded again, like

213
00:16:21,799 --> 00:16:27,679
I believed her, But I didn't not anymore. I couldn't

214
00:16:27,679 --> 00:16:32,399
look at her the same way. But it was strange.

215
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,440
I still wanted her to hold me when I was scared.

216
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:42,799
He was quiet for a long time, Then, after a

217
00:16:42,879 --> 00:16:50,039
long inhale, he kept going. It lasted almost two more years.

218
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,159
I tried to forget what I saw. I think I

219
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,919
stayed because part of me still loved her too much

220
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,840
to leave, because she smiled at me like nothing was wrong.

221
00:17:01,399 --> 00:17:05,480
She kissed my forehead tenderly every night, and she still

222
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:10,319
sang hymns while cleaning the kitchen. How do you walk

223
00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:13,920
away from someone who taught you everything, even when you

224
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:18,240
find out some of it was poison? But when I

225
00:17:18,279 --> 00:17:22,960
turned fifteen, I packed her bag silently and walked out

226
00:17:23,039 --> 00:17:27,519
while she slept. I didn't leave a note, only took

227
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:37,519
what I could carry. He paused, and I never went back.

228
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:43,599
I told myself I'd start over. He said, clean slate,

229
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:48,359
clean soul. I ended up in foster care, two towns over.

230
00:17:49,599 --> 00:17:53,039
They were kind, mostly kept the fridge full, took me

231
00:17:53,079 --> 00:18:01,000
to church when they could. His voice thinned to be normal.

232
00:18:01,599 --> 00:18:06,839
I did everything Brochure said, joined clubs, and took therapy seriously.

233
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:11,519
I even started cooking real meals from recipes. I made

234
00:18:11,519 --> 00:18:15,680
myself believe that the hunger was just trauma, just something

235
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:23,799
I could fix. Her breath sharp and frustrated. I went vegan.

236
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,720
I thought maybe it was guilt, but it didn't work.

237
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:33,720
Then I tried a carnivore diet, but that didn't help either.

238
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:39,640
Then raw food, paleo, fasting, ice, chewing clay. I even

239
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,960
gnawed at the edge of a belt once, just to

240
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:47,839
feel the resistance. He shifted on the other side of

241
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:52,319
the screen, wood groaning unto him, and at that moment

242
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:58,319
a terrible thought flickered across my face. Unwelcome and absurd.

243
00:18:59,599 --> 00:19:03,319
I picked his hands slipping through the slats, cold fingers

244
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:06,799
gripping my collar, and his mouth opening wide to take

245
00:19:06,799 --> 00:19:09,240
a bite out of me, like I was bred and

246
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:14,359
flesh both. The image was so vivid I almost flinched.

247
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,039
He was a silly thought, one I was not proud of.

248
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,759
But it sat there, pulsing at the edge of my reason,

249
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:31,480
refusing to be dismissed. Every meal was a disappointment. Every

250
00:19:31,559 --> 00:19:35,359
bite tasted like paper. Even the things I used to love,

251
00:19:35,839 --> 00:19:40,079
like roast chicken, corn bread, sweet potatoes with brown sugar,

252
00:19:41,559 --> 00:19:46,880
they all turned to ash in my mouth. His voice

253
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:52,920
dropped lower than it had all night. I know now

254
00:19:53,039 --> 00:19:58,039
what it is I miss. He let the words settle

255
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:02,119
like dust in a crept. It didn't hit all at once.

256
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,759
It came in flashes. The smell of broth, the way

257
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:10,599
candlelight hid steam, The weight of linen over my head

258
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:16,119
was so nostalgic I thought I was just remembering, but

259
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:23,240
he wasn't memory. It was want, a need. I told

260
00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:26,279
myself I could resist, that I was better than her,

261
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:31,400
that I didn't have it in me, but the hunger

262
00:20:32,279 --> 00:20:37,279
it I planned it carefully. I chose a man I

263
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:41,039
saw often on the corner outside the train station. He

264
00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:44,160
wore a gray hoodie and plastic bags around his shoes.

265
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:49,599
He never asked for anything, just sat there. I watched

266
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,839
him for a week, made sure he was alone, that

267
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,799
he didn't speak to any one, that no one would

268
00:20:55,839 --> 00:21:04,359
notice if he disappeared. A pause and her breath. We

269
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,079
walked side by side through the quiet part of town.

270
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,480
He kept glancing at my face, like he was trying

271
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,880
to figure out if I was real. The whole time,

272
00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:17,839
my chest ached with something that felt like guilt. He

273
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:21,200
looked at me with trust, with quiet awe, like I

274
00:21:21,319 --> 00:21:26,720
was saving him. I wanted to deserve that. But underneath it,

275
00:21:27,519 --> 00:21:31,720
deeper than anything I could name, there was the hunger

276
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:37,640
gnawing through every step. A single thought echoed through the prayers.

277
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:43,079
I muttered to drown it out. What will he taste like?

278
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:49,240
At one point he laughed, low and wheezing, and said,

279
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:54,200
you're one of the good ones. Huh. I told him

280
00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:58,119
I was trying to be. I brought him back to

281
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:01,480
my apartment, told him I a hot shower and some

282
00:22:01,519 --> 00:22:05,960
food waiting, and mentioned spare clothes, socks, and even a

283
00:22:06,039 --> 00:22:09,559
razor if he wanted. He looked up at me like

284
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:14,480
he couldn't believe it, with eyes wide rimmed, red, hopeful

285
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:19,440
in a way that made my chest tighten. Really, he

286
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,519
asked like he thought the offer might shatter if he

287
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:29,319
touched it. I nodded. That's all it took, and it

288
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:33,799
hurt because I knew I was lying. I let him

289
00:22:33,839 --> 00:22:36,640
take the hot shower first, gave him a towel I'd

290
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,960
laid out earlier, let him eat the bread and drink

291
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:44,599
the tea while some soup simmered on the stove. He

292
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,920
looked so grateful, called me a saint, and I must

293
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:55,440
have been raised right. His voice cracked lightly, but the

294
00:22:55,519 --> 00:23:03,240
cloth was already in the drawer. He didn't elaborate. He

295
00:23:03,279 --> 00:23:08,319
didn't need to. By now I knew what that meant.

296
00:23:09,559 --> 00:23:12,000
I bought it from a linen shop two towns over,

297
00:23:12,839 --> 00:23:16,599
just like the ones Mamma used, pressed it flat, folded

298
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,759
it three times, and put it in the drawer under

299
00:23:19,839 --> 00:23:28,039
the knives. Silence stretched between us. The stew was rich,

300
00:23:28,759 --> 00:23:31,759
the meat practically melted in my mouth. I had cooked

301
00:23:31,799 --> 00:23:36,319
it that long, he said. I ate it under the cloth,

302
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:42,119
just like before. I said the prayer every word, three times,

303
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:47,440
like Mamma, and for the first time in years, I

304
00:23:47,519 --> 00:23:54,960
felt full, really full. He exhaled slowly, and I heard

305
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:58,160
the shift, the tremble that it clung to him like

306
00:23:58,279 --> 00:24:02,599
wet wool was gone. In his place was a strange calm,

307
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:07,640
like he was waiting for me to speak, So I did.

308
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:15,559
I cleared my throat softly, My son, I said, carefully,

309
00:24:15,599 --> 00:24:19,640
measuring every word. There are things in this world we

310
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:23,119
carry that were never meant for us. Burdens passed down

311
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:29,920
like inheritance, cloaked in love and devotion. He didn't interrupt,

312
00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:35,319
so I kept going. You are not your mother, and

313
00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:39,839
you are not beyond redemption. But if you truly seek absolution,

314
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:45,680
it must begin with truth, followed by repentance, and then

315
00:24:45,839 --> 00:24:50,759
by surrender, not just of your sin, but of your will.

316
00:24:53,079 --> 00:24:57,200
I felt the sweat cooling at my temples. God half

317
00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:02,720
as mercy, yes, I said, but not without caste. You

318
00:25:02,839 --> 00:25:06,640
must never do this again. You must turn yourself in.

319
00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:09,519
You must choose a path that leads away from this

320
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:19,799
hunger silence. There was a faint shift, followed by a hush,

321
00:25:19,839 --> 00:25:25,440
and when I peeped between the slats, he was gone.

322
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:30,359
He hadn't waited for my blessing or absolution. He vanished quietly,

323
00:25:30,799 --> 00:25:33,759
as if the act of confession itself had been enough,

324
00:25:35,759 --> 00:25:43,119
and maybe for him it was. I sat there a

325
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:48,680
while longer, hands clasped, eyes closed. I prayed not to

326
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:52,079
carry his burden with me into the world, that whatever

327
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:55,839
darkness he left behind would stay sealed in that booth.

328
00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,359
I prayed that Marcy still meant something, even when offered

329
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:03,039
to someone who may never stop doing the thing they're

330
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:09,359
sorry for. When I finally stood, I moved slowly through

331
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:14,319
the empty sanctuary, checking locks, I stepped into the parking lot.

332
00:26:15,039 --> 00:26:18,039
The night air was damp and cool, and the storm

333
00:26:18,079 --> 00:26:22,559
had passed. My car engine grown to life, and the

334
00:26:22,599 --> 00:26:27,000
headlights carved through the dark. I pulled onto the main road,

335
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:32,799
and there, under the flicker of a street lamp, I

336
00:26:32,839 --> 00:26:36,559
saw a man huddled against the bench, wearing only a

337
00:26:36,599 --> 00:26:41,920
thin coat and no shoes. I slowed, and for a

338
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:46,200
long time I just sat there, hands frozen on the wheel.

339
00:26:47,759 --> 00:26:50,880
I couldn't get the Confessor out of my mind. How

340
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,240
he spoke his truth like a man unburdened, while all

341
00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:58,519
I was left with was silence. And in that silence,

342
00:27:00,039 --> 00:27:05,000
wondered if the Confessor would stop, if anyone was safe,

343
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:12,519
if he was still nearby, And all I could do

344
00:27:12,599 --> 00:27:30,240
was pray.