WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.080 I came home late, letting myself and with a little 2 00:00:06.080 --> 00:00:08.400 more clatter than I intended. He's catching on the lock 3 00:00:08.439 --> 00:00:11.320 as my bag swan into my hip. The hallway was silent, 4 00:00:11.599 --> 00:00:13.720 almost jarringly o the kind of quiet that lets you 5 00:00:13.759 --> 00:00:15.240 hear the pipes hum on the creek of the building, 6 00:00:15.320 --> 00:00:18.559 settling down for the night. It was nearly ten later 7 00:00:18.600 --> 00:00:20.800 than I'd hoped, but still within the bounds of wahethan 8 00:00:20.839 --> 00:00:24.079 and a cold, acceptable wort night lateness. I expected his 9 00:00:24.120 --> 00:00:26.600 shoes by the door, his muted music from the back room, 10 00:00:26.920 --> 00:00:28.879 maybe the whir of his stick blender if he'd remembered 11 00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:32.320 to start soup for late dinners. Instead, the apartment greeted 12 00:00:32.320 --> 00:00:35.840 me with cool stillness. His jacket was gone, so was 13 00:00:35.880 --> 00:00:38.880 his old black messenger bag. I towed off my pumps 14 00:00:38.880 --> 00:00:41.159 and padded through the living room, blunting at the kitchen. 15 00:00:41.240 --> 00:00:43.560 No leftovers on the stove, sink empty except for the 16 00:00:43.560 --> 00:00:46.640 water bottle edrance. That morning, I opened the fridge, more 17 00:00:46.640 --> 00:00:48.520 out of habit and hope maybe a post work snack 18 00:00:48.520 --> 00:00:51.439 would ground me. A lonely tupper were of cut up pineapple, 19 00:00:51.479 --> 00:00:55.439 a bottle of white wine. No note. The catch was undisturbed, 20 00:00:55.439 --> 00:00:59.000 for a blanket, still neatly folded. I peered into the corner, 21 00:00:59.079 --> 00:01:01.880 his desk, quiet, his sketch pad and touch Since yesterday, 22 00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:05.000 the only change was the pillow candle light lit last weekend, 23 00:01:05.000 --> 00:01:08.159 now burned half way down. I texted Ethan, Hum, you 24 00:01:08.280 --> 00:01:12.879 still at the project? Nothing. I waited, opening Instagram, expecting 25 00:01:12.879 --> 00:01:15.599 to see posts from the art project, cheery neighborhood volunteers, 26 00:01:15.719 --> 00:01:18.319 pain flecked hands holding up mugs of coffee, people posing 27 00:01:18.319 --> 00:01:20.840 in front of the mural wall. Our little corner of 28 00:01:20.920 --> 00:01:23.719 the city was good at documenting itself. But as I 29 00:01:23.760 --> 00:01:27.319 scrolled through, not his story, then Ben's. Ethan was conspicuously absent. 30 00:01:28.200 --> 00:01:30.040 I checked the comments under a group shot on the 31 00:01:30.079 --> 00:01:34.280 project account. Naddier, Ben, even Preyer from upstairs, all tagged 32 00:01:34.359 --> 00:01:37.159 or teased in the thread. My name didn't pop up, 33 00:01:37.200 --> 00:01:41.359 and neither did Ethan's, strange considering he supposedly been helping 34 00:01:41.400 --> 00:01:44.959 all week. The minutes ticked by, each time I phone 35 00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:47.840 chopped to push notification and all group chat I checked, 36 00:01:47.879 --> 00:01:51.439 hoping for his name. Nothing. I told myself it was 37 00:01:51.480 --> 00:01:53.799 fine that he lost track of time, that they clean up, 38 00:01:53.799 --> 00:01:56.920 probably of Varan or maybe his phone battery was dead, 39 00:01:57.159 --> 00:02:00.000 which he never remembered to charge. I tried to distract 40 00:02:00.120 --> 00:02:02.959 myself by running through emales sorting bills, but my mind 41 00:02:03.000 --> 00:02:07.040 snagged on his absence. I pulled up Facebook, next, searching Ethan. 42 00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:10.000 Then not project, but it was just more tangential neighborhood banter. 43 00:02:10.639 --> 00:02:13.080 My own lost tact photo was from Priya's housewarming two 44 00:02:13.120 --> 00:02:15.039 weeks ago. A blur of gusses lifted in a toes 45 00:02:15.120 --> 00:02:18.240 Ethan's omleys round my shoulders. A smile, crooked but genuine. 46 00:02:18.800 --> 00:02:21.680 Back then, I hadn't felt this undercurrent of anxiety about him. 47 00:02:22.199 --> 00:02:24.000 It was nearly midnight when the lock clicked and eas 48 00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:27.240 and stepped in. I straightened, shutting my laptop, trying to 49 00:02:27.240 --> 00:02:30.120 look casual. He was humming, of all things, like a 50 00:02:30.120 --> 00:02:33.479 man returning from something pleasant, not the weary paint splatter volunteer. 51 00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:36.360 There were blue and oak smudges on his hands, real 52 00:02:36.439 --> 00:02:39.840 paint for once, but his shirt was nearly spotless underneath 53 00:02:39.840 --> 00:02:43.639 the faint, mineral funk of city sweat. Another scent flash floral, expensive, 54 00:02:43.759 --> 00:02:46.560 not the woodsy cologne I knew. He tossed me a sheepish, 55 00:02:46.599 --> 00:02:51.080 breathless smile. Hey, sorry, did I wake you no, just working. 56 00:02:51.719 --> 00:02:54.439 I rose, crossing to greet him and leaning for a kiss. 57 00:02:54.479 --> 00:02:56.879 He met me warm, but his skin was strangely cool. 58 00:02:57.439 --> 00:02:59.560 He wrapped me in a half hug, then started toward 59 00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:02.960 the bathroom, peeling off his paints much tenderly. How to go? 60 00:03:03.719 --> 00:03:07.599 I trailed after him, keeping my tone light, Oh, good, good, crazy. 61 00:03:07.719 --> 00:03:10.319 Actually he dropped his back and I caught the glint 62 00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:12.120 of a gold pen in the side pocket, one I 63 00:03:12.159 --> 00:03:14.960 didn't recognize. We got held up trying to finish the 64 00:03:15.039 --> 00:03:17.719 last panel. Kier brought her airbrush, but it overheated, so 65 00:03:17.759 --> 00:03:20.639 we had to Well, it doesn't matter, it's done now. Kira. 66 00:03:21.319 --> 00:03:24.479 The name struck me as unfamiliar. Yeah, Kira, she's new, 67 00:03:24.599 --> 00:03:27.719 joined last week. Cool style. He lathered his hands, scrubbing 68 00:03:27.719 --> 00:03:30.879 paint away. He'd like her a think. I perched on 69 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:33.879 the closed toilet watching him. Did you all get dinner? 70 00:03:34.639 --> 00:03:37.280 Just piezat a group thing? He dried his hands briskly, 71 00:03:37.360 --> 00:03:41.120 glanced at his reflection. Honestly, I'm starving. I could make 72 00:03:41.159 --> 00:03:44.919 you something. He shook his head distractedly. Naw, I'm too 73 00:03:44.919 --> 00:03:47.560 wired to eat. I just want to shower. A wash 74 00:03:47.560 --> 00:03:49.759 of silence stretched between us as the water pipe shut 75 00:03:49.800 --> 00:03:52.280 it on. I wandered back to the kitchen, poured us 76 00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:54.759 boast wine, and wondered at a disconnect crackling in the air. 77 00:03:55.400 --> 00:03:57.719 By the time he reappeared, towel around his neck. I 78 00:03:57.759 --> 00:04:00.840 tried again. You've got paint on your neck, I said lightly. 79 00:04:01.439 --> 00:04:04.159 He laughed, wept at it, and started telling a rambling story, 80 00:04:04.199 --> 00:04:06.199 but some one named Melvin, who'd lost his keys and 81 00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:08.919 locked the team out of the supply room. But details 82 00:04:08.919 --> 00:04:11.240 were hazy, as focus skipping, shifting too quickly from one 83 00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:14.240 topic to another. We climbed into bed, but he angled 84 00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:16.639 his body slightly away from me, thumbing absent mindedly through 85 00:04:16.639 --> 00:04:19.199 where the forecasts on his phone. I studied the line 86 00:04:19.240 --> 00:04:21.160 of his jaw where it met his pillow, the gentle 87 00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:23.519 slope of his shoulders, the way he didn't quite settle 88 00:04:23.519 --> 00:04:25.600 into the space I left for him any more. I 89 00:04:25.639 --> 00:04:27.279 listened to the city for a long time after he 90 00:04:27.319 --> 00:04:30.560 slipped into sleep. Car horns in the distance, a freight 91 00:04:30.600 --> 00:04:33.800 train cutting through three neighborhoods over my hand, curled around 92 00:04:33.839 --> 00:04:36.879 is under the blankets. I lay awake, thinking how odd 93 00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:39.079 it was that suddenly I felt like an US eider 94 00:04:39.079 --> 00:04:41.519 in my own marriage. If he'd met even and me 95 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:44.399 two years ago, maybe even last spring, you'd think we 96 00:04:44.439 --> 00:04:46.680 were one of those insufferable couples every one rolls their 97 00:04:46.680 --> 00:04:49.879 eyes at, passionate about work, equally relentless in play, sometimes 98 00:04:49.879 --> 00:04:52.160 so tightly wound into each other's lives it was hard 99 00:04:52.199 --> 00:04:54.279 to tell where my network of friends ended and his began. 100 00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:56.839 I'd met Ethan at Ben's birth that he'd been sketching 101 00:04:56.879 --> 00:04:59.319 on a knapkin, quietly gleeful as people guessed what it was. 102 00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:02.639 A self portrait, but he'd drawn himself with three arms. 103 00:05:03.319 --> 00:05:05.480 I loved that, his sly sense of humor, the way 104 00:05:05.519 --> 00:05:08.120 he let his creativity outside ways in little gestures, rather 105 00:05:08.120 --> 00:05:11.000 than making a spectacle of it. He loved my sharp edges. 106 00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:14.600 He always told me my organization, my surgical efficiency when 107 00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:17.560 it came to wrangling dinner parties or planning last minute getaways. 108 00:05:18.279 --> 00:05:20.360 I tease him for his heat maps of favorite wine 109 00:05:20.360 --> 00:05:22.480 bars and his inability to pack with less than four 110 00:05:22.519 --> 00:05:25.319 pairs of shoes. In the early days, it worked me 111 00:05:25.360 --> 00:05:29.040 providing structure, him supplying the color. Our lives became tightly 112 00:05:29.079 --> 00:05:32.759 woven with the neighborhood Sunday brunches, turned into roofed up yogur, 113 00:05:33.399 --> 00:05:37.680 spontaneous game night's blood into holiday benders. If we had disagreements, 114 00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:40.920 they rarely lasted beyond coffee the next morning. Ethan had 115 00:05:40.920 --> 00:05:43.600 a gift for diffusing tension and forgiven quickly, though sometimes 116 00:05:43.600 --> 00:05:45.839 I wondered if his easyger and charm veiled impatience or 117 00:05:45.879 --> 00:05:48.920 quiet discontent. He claimed out and never really spoke to 118 00:05:48.959 --> 00:05:50.879 him that it was just a distraction for more tangible 119 00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:54.279 passion's architecture, urban design, a tactile stuff at city life. 120 00:05:54.759 --> 00:05:57.040 Maybe that was what drew me in the contradiction between 121 00:05:57.040 --> 00:06:00.319 his restless spirit and his dislike for empty ornament. We 122 00:06:00.399 --> 00:06:03.639 kept our finances mainly separate, and arrangement established so early 123 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:05.959 that when people commented on it, we just shrunk and 124 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:08.680 explained household account for the boring stuff, but bathrooms and 125 00:06:08.680 --> 00:06:12.399 bookshelves and cocktails were fair game for individual splurges. It 126 00:06:12.439 --> 00:06:15.240 was only sometimes, when scolding through Instagram late at night, 127 00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:17.959 after Ethan had fallen asleep beside me, that I'd worry 128 00:06:18.000 --> 00:06:19.920 he might not always be content with what we'd built, 129 00:06:19.959 --> 00:06:21.480 that some part of him might be looking for a 130 00:06:21.519 --> 00:06:23.759 jilt out of what I proudly called our perpetual calendar. 131 00:06:24.279 --> 00:06:26.399 There was that secret I'd once kept, a bad review 132 00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:29.360 from a client, a lost contract. I'd buried it out 133 00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:31.240 of pride, or maybe to avoid the concern in his 134 00:06:31.319 --> 00:06:34.360 voice when I told him things weren't perfect. I remembered 135 00:06:34.360 --> 00:06:37.399 how relieved I'd been when he never asked. Maybe that's 136 00:06:37.439 --> 00:06:40.079 why now that the patterns of secrecy felt painfully familiar. 137 00:06:40.639 --> 00:06:43.800 The next week was a procession of obligations, contracts to negotiate, 138 00:06:43.839 --> 00:06:46.879 some meetings, to chair, pitch, dick to submit. Eathan drifted 139 00:06:46.920 --> 00:06:49.560 through our apartment like a guess, always cheerful, always somehow 140 00:06:49.639 --> 00:06:53.279 just outside my reach. That Saturday morning, he made eggs 141 00:06:53.279 --> 00:06:56.800 and coffee, whistling as he sliced apples. I watched him 142 00:06:56.879 --> 00:06:59.120 chin in palm, heart hugging with a blend of suspicion, 143 00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:02.199 in guilt. If I'd become this person, reading meaning into 144 00:07:02.199 --> 00:07:05.240 the way he butter toast win Would it stop after breakfast? 145 00:07:05.319 --> 00:07:07.439 I asked, softly, Could I swing by the project site 146 00:07:07.439 --> 00:07:08.959 to day? I'd like to see what you've all been 147 00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:11.959 up to. He blanched, then recovered with a quick smile. 148 00:07:12.600 --> 00:07:14.720 You really don't need to. It's a mess. Paint everywhere, 149 00:07:14.759 --> 00:07:17.680 every one's distracted. Honestly, stay home and have a spa day. 150 00:07:17.720 --> 00:07:20.600 I'll take you when the main wall's done, promise. His 151 00:07:20.720 --> 00:07:23.279 voice was gentle but final. He bent to kiss my 152 00:07:23.319 --> 00:07:25.199 forehead and swept out with ale of you that left 153 00:07:25.199 --> 00:07:28.160 me blinking at the slam door. I spent the afternoon 154 00:07:28.199 --> 00:07:31.639 half heartedly working, half refreshing my texts. I tried to 155 00:07:31.680 --> 00:07:33.920 shake it off, telling myself it was healthy, frusty of 156 00:07:33.920 --> 00:07:37.920 separate spaces. But all evening I stewed replaying his words. 157 00:07:38.720 --> 00:07:41.279 Was I being ridiculous? Or was it strange that he 158 00:07:41.319 --> 00:07:43.759 suddenly wanted to keep that part of his life exclusively 159 00:07:43.839 --> 00:07:47.040 his Later a prieze Ethan let up as he described 160 00:07:47.040 --> 00:07:50.279 a project telling wild stories about Kir's mule missap, Melvin's 161 00:07:50.319 --> 00:07:53.319 ladder disaster, how Naudia had accidentally glued a paint Captain 162 00:07:53.319 --> 00:07:56.439 Ben's elbow. I realized I hadn't heard these stories before. 163 00:07:57.079 --> 00:07:59.279 The laughter around the table was polite, but carried a 164 00:07:59.319 --> 00:08:02.160 note of force. To meuse not. His eyes darted toward me. 165 00:08:02.199 --> 00:08:05.680 She looked wary, almost apologetic. I waited for an opening, 166 00:08:05.759 --> 00:08:07.920 tried to laugh along, but I couldn't catch the rhythm. 167 00:08:08.399 --> 00:08:11.399 Ethan seemed energized, effesive, more animated than I had seen 168 00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:14.240 him in months, but the details never quite matched the 169 00:08:14.279 --> 00:08:17.600 Ethan a ky The inside jokes landed just beyond my recall, 170 00:08:17.759 --> 00:08:20.319 leaving me excluded from a conversation i'd once have led. 171 00:08:20.959 --> 00:08:23.600 After we got home, I offered, if you need extra supplies, 172 00:08:23.639 --> 00:08:25.439 I could call some of my contacts. I know a 173 00:08:25.480 --> 00:08:28.399 guy who does paint at cost. Ethan's face flickered with 174 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:31.839 irritation there and gone again. We're good, Really, Kira got 175 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:35.039 everything on her discount. Besides, we're trying to be spontaneous. 176 00:08:35.080 --> 00:08:39.000 No planning, no schedules. He glanced at his watch. You 177 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:42.080 always want to systematize everything, jewels. Let this be messy, 178 00:08:42.639 --> 00:08:46.080 I retreated, a hollow egforming in my chest. I stood 179 00:08:46.080 --> 00:08:48.200 in the kitchen after he'd gone to shower, knuckles white 180 00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:50.639 around a glass, wondering if I'd overstep, or if this 181 00:08:50.679 --> 00:08:53.799 bristling defensiveness was new. Was I making a big deal 182 00:08:53.799 --> 00:08:56.879 out of nothing, or was it odd objectively to be 183 00:08:56.919 --> 00:09:00.799 so obviously excluded from something? Absorbing his attention, I tried 184 00:09:00.840 --> 00:09:02.879 to shake it off. Maybe everyone needed a space that 185 00:09:02.960 --> 00:09:06.120 was just days after all, hadn't I kept business troubles 186 00:09:06.120 --> 00:09:08.360 from him, once convinced it was better than worrying him. 187 00:09:08.960 --> 00:09:11.840 Wasn't this just a phase? Still? When he turned in 188 00:09:11.879 --> 00:09:14.000 that night, I noticed he left his phone face down 189 00:09:14.039 --> 00:09:16.720 on the night scent a little too carefully. The next day, 190 00:09:16.720 --> 00:09:18.519 it was a swell of commitments for both of us, 191 00:09:18.559 --> 00:09:20.360 but the tremor of doubt lingud and my body like 192 00:09:20.360 --> 00:09:23.639 the ache after a sudden scare. I distracted myself as meetings, 193 00:09:23.639 --> 00:09:27.720 told myself to stop obsessing. It didn't work. By Wednesday, 194 00:09:27.759 --> 00:09:29.960 I was navigating the mundane dramas of work, but the 195 00:09:29.960 --> 00:09:33.039 background hum of discomfit grew shopper. I was waiting for 196 00:09:33.080 --> 00:09:35.399 a rad share after a client lunch, at least crolling 197 00:09:35.399 --> 00:09:37.480 through vemou to send my half for groceries when a 198 00:09:37.559 --> 00:09:40.559 name popped up Beneathan's history gait them. The note just 199 00:09:40.559 --> 00:09:44.200 said supplies. There were several payments over the last two weeks, 200 00:09:44.440 --> 00:09:48.200 each worded cryptically late night refuel a canvas run, a reimbursement, 201 00:09:48.720 --> 00:09:51.080 not all for huge sums, but enough to catch my eye. 202 00:09:51.679 --> 00:09:54.799 Some were paid from our joint account. I checked a calendar, 203 00:09:54.879 --> 00:09:57.440 Eason was at work. There was nothing about an art 204 00:09:57.480 --> 00:10:00.399 project's supply run on our shared Google's schedule, but plenty 205 00:10:00.399 --> 00:10:03.639 of late night at project side entries. I tried Naudia, 206 00:10:03.679 --> 00:10:06.799 texting her, how's mural progress? Miss seeing your face dinner 207 00:10:06.799 --> 00:10:09.960 sin Her reply, usually full of memes or voice notes, 208 00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:13.200 pinged back ten minutes later. Busy week projects good, Let's 209 00:10:13.200 --> 00:10:18.080 catch up when the dust settles, promise brief plight nothing 210 00:10:18.200 --> 00:10:21.159 like her. When Ethan got home, we barely overlapped. He 211 00:10:21.320 --> 00:10:24.840 duct in after Ate grabbed a sandwich and retreated. I 212 00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:27.519 noticed is lapped up open to a portfolio of glass towers, 213 00:10:27.639 --> 00:10:29.799 a building I knew he hated muttering when it won 214 00:10:29.840 --> 00:10:32.519 in a war of last year. Over dinner, I asked 215 00:10:32.559 --> 00:10:36.600 why the sudden interest in modernist towers? He shrugged. Oh, 216 00:10:36.679 --> 00:10:39.360 one of the project artists is thinking of incorporating urban 217 00:10:39.360 --> 00:10:43.879 skylind cilouettes. He tapped the screen. They wanted to Brainstone. 218 00:10:44.240 --> 00:10:46.720 I wanted to probe, to ask which artist, or even 219 00:10:46.759 --> 00:10:48.360 are you sure you're not up for doing our next 220 00:10:48.360 --> 00:10:51.960 dinner together? Instead of the mural. Instead, I changed the subjects. 221 00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:55.159 Following my doubt, Saturday, I made up my mind to 222 00:10:55.159 --> 00:10:58.080 go see the art project. I got their public park, 223 00:10:58.320 --> 00:11:01.960 low Stone Wall scaffoldingst a chain link barrier, expecting to 224 00:11:01.960 --> 00:11:05.039 find Ethan or at least a few familiar faces. Instead, 225 00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:07.080 I was greeted by neat rower supplies and a clean 226 00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:10.919 up crew. Two young guys in paint splotted sweatshirts. Ethan round. 227 00:11:11.600 --> 00:11:16.039 I asked casual the exchange glances he just left. One offered, 228 00:11:16.759 --> 00:11:19.399 said he had to run an errand he regarded me 229 00:11:19.440 --> 00:11:21.639 with mild puzzlement, then shrugged as if to say not 230 00:11:21.759 --> 00:11:25.120 my business. I texted Ethan dropped by side, sorry I 231 00:11:25.159 --> 00:11:28.840 miss you. No response for an hour, then left earlier 232 00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:31.799 than plan. Saw a crazy day. When I got home, 233 00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:35.080 the apartment was empty. His phone, which had always had 234 00:11:35.080 --> 00:11:37.559 a finger print on lock, now flashed a requirement for 235 00:11:37.559 --> 00:11:39.120 a six digit code. When I went to share a 236 00:11:39.159 --> 00:11:43.360 recipe with him that evening, I decided not to say anything. Instead, 237 00:11:43.519 --> 00:11:45.879 I told myself to focus on work, keep my head down. 238 00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:49.960 Ben's message, when it came was a welcome destruction coffee 239 00:11:49.960 --> 00:11:53.320 after work, need a breather. Ben was Ethan's friend technically, 240 00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:55.600 but over the past year he'd become more mine, a dry, 241 00:11:55.639 --> 00:11:58.399 self effacing voice of reason. I met him at our 242 00:11:58.519 --> 00:12:02.200 usual spot, grateful for familiar company. He was jittery, constantly 243 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:05.240 checking his phone, hardly touching his coffee. How's the mur 244 00:12:05.320 --> 00:12:08.960 old Ben, I tried force bright, He offered a tight smile. 245 00:12:09.559 --> 00:12:11.720 Oh you know, everyone's in over their heads and pretending 246 00:12:11.759 --> 00:12:15.600 they aren't. Pause. He reached for his mug, then set 247 00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:18.840 it down abruptly. Sorry, Jewels, I have to run. Totally 248 00:12:18.840 --> 00:12:21.639 forgot I've got a day. He grabbed his messenger and 249 00:12:21.720 --> 00:12:25.120 all but bolted. I stared after him, something cold settling 250 00:12:25.159 --> 00:12:28.039 in my stomach. We'd met for coffee almost weekly for 251 00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:30.559 a year, and he'd never cut it shore before. I 252 00:12:30.600 --> 00:12:33.399 sent Ethan a calendar invite that evening neighborhood dinner at 253 00:12:33.399 --> 00:12:36.279 Prix as us seven' them. Two minutes later, a pop 254 00:12:36.360 --> 00:12:39.679 up a vent decline schedule conflict. I called Prior, who 255 00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:42.840 sounded distracted. I thought you guys counseled. It was just 256 00:12:42.879 --> 00:12:46.080 Ethan who showed, and he didn't stay long. Just Ethan, 257 00:12:46.639 --> 00:12:48.200 He told me it was still on that he be 258 00:12:48.240 --> 00:12:51.200 home late, even a Friday. When I asked, he claimed 259 00:12:51.200 --> 00:12:52.960 the crowded thinned early and he'd just gone up for 260 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:55.639 a walk to clear his head. His tone was breezy, 261 00:12:55.759 --> 00:12:58.360 but I noticed his gaze slid away from mine. I'd 262 00:12:58.360 --> 00:13:01.519 never felt so completely wrong footed in my home. That night, 263 00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:03.840 I muster the courage to say, who's k M. You 264 00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:07.120 keep paying them for project's stuff. Ethan glanced up from 265 00:13:07.120 --> 00:13:10.840 his phone expression bland Kira. She offered to buy materials 266 00:13:10.840 --> 00:13:12.960 in bulk. I paid her back. It's not a big deal. 267 00:13:13.559 --> 00:13:17.000 Why did ye use our joint account, he frowned. I 268 00:13:17.159 --> 00:13:19.600 just clicked the wrong card. I guess I'll move the money. 269 00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:22.000 Don't worry. I let a drop, But the air between 270 00:13:22.039 --> 00:13:24.600 us grew brittle. I listened for his phone at night 271 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:26.960 for the vibrate of new notifications for laughter muffled in 272 00:13:26.960 --> 00:13:29.480 the living room. When I woke in the dark, I'd 273 00:13:29.480 --> 00:13:31.360 find his sight of the bed empty, blue light from 274 00:13:31.399 --> 00:13:34.240 his phone spilling from under the bathroom door. He started 275 00:13:34.240 --> 00:13:37.320 coming home later and later. Sometimes I'd wake to the 276 00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:39.440 sound of his keys at two in the morning. His 277 00:13:39.559 --> 00:13:42.840 explanations were always the same, lost track of time. Akira 278 00:13:42.919 --> 00:13:45.960 needed help moving her installation. Every one stayed late group dinner. 279 00:13:46.000 --> 00:13:49.080 After one evening, brushing my teeth, I heard him on 280 00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:51.440 the phone in the other room. His voice was low, 281 00:13:51.639 --> 00:13:54.039 softer than he used with me. He laughed a kind 282 00:13:54.039 --> 00:13:56.440 of laugh I hadn't heard since we were dating. I 283 00:13:56.519 --> 00:13:58.960 stepped out. He caught my eye and en did the 284 00:13:58.960 --> 00:14:02.600 call in a heartbeat, mumbling, sorry, work thing. I wanted 285 00:14:02.600 --> 00:14:05.399 to believe him. I convinced myself I was losing touch, 286 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:08.240 that my suspicion was a symptom of burnout. But the 287 00:14:08.279 --> 00:14:09.960 harder I tried to be rational, the more out of 288 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:11.799 place I felt everywhere, in the chat with my friends, 289 00:14:11.840 --> 00:14:14.639 at our neighborhood gatherings, even in our own living room. 290 00:14:14.960 --> 00:14:16.480 It was as if everyone was on a joke. I 291 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:20.080 couldn't quite decipher. One night after in specially tense dinner, 292 00:14:20.200 --> 00:14:23.200 Ethan turned to me as he loaded the dishrusher. But Julia, 293 00:14:23.240 --> 00:14:26.879 you've been quiet long week, I guess. He watched me, 294 00:14:27.000 --> 00:14:30.360 the weight of uns edwards, stretching the space between us. Finally, 295 00:14:30.440 --> 00:14:34.240 he just sighed, let's get some sleep in our bedroom. 296 00:14:34.320 --> 00:14:36.440 I stared at the ceiling catalog in the changes, the 297 00:14:36.440 --> 00:14:38.559 way he no longer left his phone out on the sofa, 298 00:14:38.759 --> 00:14:40.840 the number of times I found pins dang shirts I'd 299 00:14:40.879 --> 00:14:43.440 never seen before, the careful way he now avoided discussing 300 00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:47.200 the neuropastrophic platitudes, Several days later, I came home to 301 00:14:47.200 --> 00:14:49.879 find Eton standing by the window, gazing out over the city. 302 00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:52.759 He didn't seem to notice me at first. Lost in thought, 303 00:14:53.399 --> 00:14:57.399 I set my purse down worth to Ethan. He blinked, smiled, 304 00:14:57.440 --> 00:15:00.279 and crossed to me. Tench and melting away. Let's take 305 00:15:00.279 --> 00:15:04.200 a day trip this weekend, he suggested, just us, no obligations, 306 00:15:04.399 --> 00:15:09.279 no murals, nothing. I was caught off guard. Really, he nodded, 307 00:15:09.320 --> 00:15:12.799 eyes earnest. Yeah, feels like we haven't actually been together 308 00:15:12.840 --> 00:15:16.360 in ages. He was right. Maybe this was what I needed, 309 00:15:16.360 --> 00:15:19.600 a chance to reset, to stop interrogating every gesture. If 310 00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:21.759 I could let go, even for a little while, perhaps 311 00:15:21.759 --> 00:15:23.720 I could be the partner I wished. I was patient 312 00:15:23.759 --> 00:15:26.840 and secure. We drove north out of the city on Saturday, 313 00:15:26.919 --> 00:15:30.039 music up, windows down. He laughed more freely than he 314 00:15:30.080 --> 00:15:33.159 had in weeks. At a little roside park, he laid 315 00:15:33.159 --> 00:15:35.120 out a blanket and picnic, and for a while it 316 00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:38.200 almost felt like before him improvising jokes, me ribbing him 317 00:15:38.200 --> 00:15:40.919 for forgetting the forks. I watched his face as he 318 00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:43.440 poured wine, trying to tuck away the memories of tension 319 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:46.759 and doubt. Determined to be present, as twid I deepened 320 00:15:46.759 --> 00:15:49.919 over a deserted beach. He squeezed my hand, speaking softly, 321 00:15:50.080 --> 00:15:52.679 I'm sorry. I've been so distracted. Work's just been hard 322 00:15:52.679 --> 00:15:55.600 to explain lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm fading into routine, 323 00:15:55.799 --> 00:15:58.279 like I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be. I 324 00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:00.639 tried to read his face. Is it beout at the 325 00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:04.320 office or the mural, I asked. He shook his head, 326 00:16:04.360 --> 00:16:07.960 brushing hair out of his eyes. No, it's not that exactly. 327 00:16:08.080 --> 00:16:10.320 I just needed something outside, out usual. I needed to 328 00:16:10.320 --> 00:16:12.320 remember what it felt like to do something new. But 329 00:16:12.360 --> 00:16:14.840 it's nothing for you to worry about, Julie, I promise. 330 00:16:15.440 --> 00:16:17.279 When he said my name that wailed low and warm. 331 00:16:17.279 --> 00:16:20.399 I wanted to believe him. That night, curled together in bed, 332 00:16:20.440 --> 00:16:22.480 I let myself relax for the first time in weeks. 333 00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:25.759 If Ethan promised there was nothing amiss, I told myself 334 00:16:25.799 --> 00:16:28.639 I should listen. I willed myself to let the dobts fade. 335 00:16:29.240 --> 00:16:31.240 But the following morning, as I pulled through his phone 336 00:16:31.279 --> 00:16:33.519 for a wedder app before run, a priefy flashed on 337 00:16:33.559 --> 00:16:36.360 the home screen. K M last night was incredible. Wish 338 00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:39.240 he didn't have to leave so early. X. My heart 339 00:16:39.279 --> 00:16:41.039 thought it so loudly, I thought you must hear it. 340 00:16:41.639 --> 00:16:44.399 For a moment, I was paralyzed, finger hovering over his messages. 341 00:16:45.039 --> 00:16:47.799 The phone snapped to the log screen. I set it down, 342 00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:50.240 hearing the show running. All the relief of the day 343 00:16:50.240 --> 00:16:53.679 before tisted, dissolving into a hot, sharp fear. We passed 344 00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:55.799 the next few days in halting bliteness, me picking at 345 00:16:55.799 --> 00:16:58.679 our routines, Ethan suddenly prone to one predictable warm, then 346 00:16:58.720 --> 00:17:02.399 subtle distance. On the outside, we looked the same, two professionals, 347 00:17:02.440 --> 00:17:05.640 jumbling the endless moving parts of life. Inside I was 348 00:17:05.720 --> 00:17:09.440 rapidly unraveling. I tried to make sense of it. Maybe 349 00:17:09.519 --> 00:17:13.119 the message was innocent, to joke, a misunderstanding, or maybe not. 350 00:17:13.880 --> 00:17:17.400 I sat down at my laptop and started my own investigation. First, 351 00:17:17.519 --> 00:17:20.759 ethanshev projects schedule. I copied his mural calendar into my planet, 352 00:17:20.759 --> 00:17:23.839 mapping out which knights had been stuck working late. Then 353 00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:26.799 the Vemma payments. Every time Kihem got a repayment, it 354 00:17:26.839 --> 00:17:29.920 matched a mural night. A few times, the sums increased 355 00:17:29.920 --> 00:17:32.599 on week ends, usually with an emoji or a cryptic phrase. 356 00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:36.240 A cross checked social media trolling through tags and captions 357 00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:39.440 on the Murau's account Whenever k M, now confirmed as 358 00:17:39.519 --> 00:17:42.240 kure M, a striking ady artist whose instagram was full 359 00:17:42.279 --> 00:17:44.640 of self portraits and studio shots, was featured in a 360 00:17:44.720 --> 00:17:48.480 story repose Ethan's late nights coincided precisely. I hit a 361 00:17:48.519 --> 00:17:50.920 wall when I realized how carefully and thoroughly my circle 362 00:17:50.920 --> 00:17:53.880 of friends had withdrawn naughty, especially when I called her. 363 00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:56.079 The call rang and rang before dropping to voice melt. 364 00:17:56.119 --> 00:17:58.440 Her text reply minutes later swamped, Can I call T 365 00:17:58.599 --> 00:18:02.319 M R W? Then, too suddenly drifted our usual snocky 366 00:18:02.359 --> 00:18:05.519 mime thread, dying with an emoji and nothing else. I 367 00:18:05.559 --> 00:18:07.799 tried to broach the subject with Ethan one night, pushing 368 00:18:07.799 --> 00:18:09.519 a little. You spend a lot of time with care 369 00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:13.119 these days. Each you must really click. Ethan's face grew unreadable. 370 00:18:13.799 --> 00:18:16.400 She's knew she needs the help, that's all. What are 371 00:18:16.400 --> 00:18:19.720 you jealous? Of course? Not allied painfully a where that 372 00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:23.519 part of me was. He's coughed. I thought you appreciated 373 00:18:23.519 --> 00:18:26.000 that I finally tried something unstructured. Isn't that what you 374 00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:29.519 always said? I needed it? Shut down the conversation, but 375 00:18:29.640 --> 00:18:32.680 now awaken the small hours. A replayed every interaction. Ethan 376 00:18:32.720 --> 00:18:35.920 slipped details, no dis evasiveness, Bend's abrupt coffee, except the 377 00:18:35.960 --> 00:18:39.279 barrage of friendly exclusion at every gathering. One night after 378 00:18:39.319 --> 00:18:42.480 Ethan dosed off, I lowed into our joint count a 379 00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:46.160 page through transactions, cross referencing with my own memory. More 380 00:18:46.200 --> 00:18:48.440 than one expense had gone to any unitemized till k 381 00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:52.519 M till the upproject. Others were from Ile's ubis supply runs, 382 00:18:53.200 --> 00:18:56.359 no receipts, no calls for reimbursement. In the shared message 383 00:18:56.400 --> 00:18:59.440 forreds I'd seen with other group members, I hesitated. Was 384 00:18:59.440 --> 00:19:02.440 it neurotic to keep digging? What was I protecting myself 385 00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:05.480 by finally facing what had been quietly, carefully kept from me. 386 00:19:06.039 --> 00:19:08.279 By the end of that weekend, exhaustion washed through every 387 00:19:08.279 --> 00:19:11.240 corner of my mind. I went walking at dusk, washing 388 00:19:11.240 --> 00:19:13.599 my shadows stretch across sidewalks I'd run down a hundred 389 00:19:13.599 --> 00:19:16.880 times with Ethan, our home, our friends, every familiar cafe 390 00:19:16.880 --> 00:19:19.799 and corner store. Suddenly felt stage are till to slightly askew. 391 00:19:20.319 --> 00:19:22.839 Monday morning, with Ethan gone for an early mural prep, 392 00:19:22.880 --> 00:19:25.039 I sat on the balcony with my coffee, staring at 393 00:19:25.079 --> 00:19:27.960 the sky. Line. Maybe the problem was me too controlling 394 00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:30.440 to incline to organize and skilled at letting chaos in 395 00:19:30.920 --> 00:19:32.920 had I drifted so far from the person even felt 396 00:19:32.920 --> 00:19:35.400 for that he needed someone new to recognize him. I 397 00:19:35.480 --> 00:19:37.359 was so lost in this thought that my phone buzzed, 398 00:19:37.400 --> 00:19:41.039 startling me. It was Nadja, finally returning my plea for coffee. 399 00:19:41.519 --> 00:19:43.960 She suggested a corner bakery at an odd hour, early 400 00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:47.000 before work, before meetings, before she might run into anyone else. 401 00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:50.640