WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.879 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.880 demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty. 4 00:00:10.199 --> 00:00:12.359 There goes my kombucha in my throat right when I 5 00:00:12.439 --> 00:00:15.800 drink my ginger lemon kombucha. Then I go on the show. 6 00:00:15.839 --> 00:00:17.199 That's not good thinking, is it, Kayla? 7 00:00:17.519 --> 00:00:18.559 It always happens though. 8 00:00:18.960 --> 00:00:21.000 Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on ka IF 9 00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:24.199 I Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app 10 00:00:24.440 --> 00:00:27.039 I Am with Producer Kayla. I am with Raoul. How 11 00:00:27.079 --> 00:00:27.879 are you doing, roul? 12 00:00:28.239 --> 00:00:29.160 Excellent? Excellent. 13 00:00:29.239 --> 00:00:31.399 By the way, I told these people around here that 14 00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:35.399 you're the biggest celebrity, and they said somebody else was, 15 00:00:35.399 --> 00:00:37.520 and I was like, no, I don't think so who who? 16 00:00:37.520 --> 00:00:46.159 What people? Other people look? Just whatever you want to believe. 17 00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:48.759 Whatever kool aid you're drinking, that's all good. I just 18 00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:51.719 know that when I stayed at the Four Seasons in Sydney, Australia, 19 00:00:51.759 --> 00:00:54.960 they bumped me up to a pretty fabulous suite. The 20 00:00:55.039 --> 00:00:58.159 last time Julio, my husband, was there, he was running 21 00:00:58.200 --> 00:01:00.439 j Lo's production company, and he said you got a 22 00:01:00.439 --> 00:01:05.319 better room than j Lo and Heather. It's good to 23 00:01:05.400 --> 00:01:06.159 have you back. 24 00:01:06.480 --> 00:01:08.560 Thank you. It's so good to die back. And I 25 00:01:08.599 --> 00:01:10.599 wanted to tell you, after all that stuff went down 26 00:01:10.680 --> 00:01:15.560 last fall, you had the most comforting and kind show. 27 00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:17.599 I tuned in and I listened because I was really 28 00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:20.159 curious to hear how everyone sort of responded, what the 29 00:01:20.200 --> 00:01:24.040 hoe said, and who didn't say anything, And your words 30 00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:26.920 were so comforting in the midst of all of that. 31 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:29.840 And I know it was probably really awkward and difficult time, 32 00:01:29.959 --> 00:01:32.400 and so just on a personal level, I just really 33 00:01:32.439 --> 00:01:33.000 appreciated that. 34 00:01:33.079 --> 00:01:35.120 I want to thank you that. You know, we have 35 00:01:35.239 --> 00:01:39.159 to be reminded that more than half the country voted 36 00:01:39.200 --> 00:01:41.599 the way it did, and they are our brothers and 37 00:01:41.640 --> 00:01:45.319 sisters and cousins, and we, for some reason didn't listen 38 00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:49.000 to them, and someone else gave them a few slogans 39 00:01:49.400 --> 00:01:52.760 that they used to vote. And it's a hard time, 40 00:01:52.799 --> 00:01:55.719 but we must respect everybody and their needs, and we 41 00:01:55.799 --> 00:02:00.159 must ask the question, how did we fail you for 42 00:02:00.200 --> 00:02:02.879 those if we feel voted the way they shouldn't have. 43 00:02:03.359 --> 00:02:06.120 And speaking of which, Heather, you can even weigh in 44 00:02:06.159 --> 00:02:09.560 on this. I want to start by analyzing the communication 45 00:02:09.680 --> 00:02:14.000 breakdown between Zelenski and Trump. And I don't normally talk 46 00:02:14.039 --> 00:02:18.360 about politics except to talk about coming together as one 47 00:02:18.439 --> 00:02:21.319 nation and one people, but I wanted to use this 48 00:02:21.360 --> 00:02:24.479 as an example for us all on how we can 49 00:02:24.599 --> 00:02:28.560 learn to have better communication skills. Right, So the first thing, 50 00:02:28.719 --> 00:02:30.479 if you don't know what I'm talking about, quick summary, 51 00:02:30.639 --> 00:02:35.719 if you've been living under a rock. Apparently, Zelensky and 52 00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:38.360 Trump had a lovely meeting that was supposed to be 53 00:02:38.439 --> 00:02:41.479 capped with a press conference in the Oval Office, followed 54 00:02:41.479 --> 00:02:44.879 by a lovely lunch followed by a press conference and 55 00:02:44.919 --> 00:02:47.280 then the signing of a peace agreement and then a 56 00:02:47.280 --> 00:02:50.639 lovely lunch and a Kumbaya and a hug, and off 57 00:02:50.639 --> 00:02:55.319 you would go. But it all fell apart once they 58 00:02:55.319 --> 00:02:58.039 got in the Oval Office and all the media was 59 00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:01.360 there because now there were different needs in the room, 60 00:03:02.280 --> 00:03:06.599 and some things were missed first of all, and they 61 00:03:06.680 --> 00:03:08.919 got in a fight. And it's all over social media. 62 00:03:08.919 --> 00:03:11.919 It's all over every media. It's everywhere. It's like Real 63 00:03:11.960 --> 00:03:15.680 Housewives of the White House is stuff. It's reality show stuff. 64 00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:21.199 So when you're communicating with anybody, I want you always 65 00:03:21.199 --> 00:03:26.360 to ask yourself, what is my goal here? And I 66 00:03:26.400 --> 00:03:32.800 think Zelensky lost sight of what his goal was. Sometimes 67 00:03:32.800 --> 00:03:34.560 you have to lose a battle to win a war. 68 00:03:35.879 --> 00:03:39.280 And I don't think there's anybody on the planet who 69 00:03:39.319 --> 00:03:42.120 doesn't understand the psyche of our president. 70 00:03:43.159 --> 00:03:43.240 He. 71 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:46.759 You know, many many psychologists have come on this show 72 00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:50.879 and other shows and fully diagnosed him as a malignant narcissist. 73 00:03:51.560 --> 00:03:53.479 So if you're going to have to have communication with 74 00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:56.520 somebody like that, maybe you're dating them, maybe you're married 75 00:03:56.560 --> 00:03:59.800 to them, you have to understand how a narcissistic brain works, 76 00:04:00.360 --> 00:04:03.639 and it works like this. The underbelly of narcissism is 77 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:06.000 self loathing. I don't think I'm good enough, so I 78 00:04:06.039 --> 00:04:09.280 have to create a public persona that's bigger and better. 79 00:04:09.960 --> 00:04:14.680 And the one thing a narcissist cannot tolerate is shame. 80 00:04:15.639 --> 00:04:20.040 You can never let them lose face because the only 81 00:04:20.120 --> 00:04:22.600 way they can defend from it is to come out 82 00:04:22.639 --> 00:04:27.560 fighting and put someone down. So another thing that happened 83 00:04:27.759 --> 00:04:33.519 was that there were two different conversations happening. Zelenski was 84 00:04:33.639 --> 00:04:39.240 experiencing an excedent existential crisis for his country and fighting 85 00:04:39.279 --> 00:04:45.639 for his life, his troops, his country's identity, and President Trump. 86 00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:49.000 I think was doing a business deal. He wanted mineral rights. 87 00:04:50.120 --> 00:04:56.199 So first mistake when you meet anyone who is I 88 00:04:56.240 --> 00:04:58.720 don't want to always diagnose people as we all have 89 00:04:58.759 --> 00:05:02.439 some narcissism in right. Let's say somebody who you know 90 00:05:03.920 --> 00:05:07.759 is a little fragile and they are a boaster, they're 91 00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:11.399 bigger than life, and the first thing you have to 92 00:05:11.439 --> 00:05:15.160 do is kiss the ring so they know you're safe. 93 00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:18.959 That's bottom line is they don't know whether you will 94 00:05:19.000 --> 00:05:23.319 be an adversary or not. And so what happened is 95 00:05:23.600 --> 00:05:26.959 Zelensky got out of the car and the first thing 96 00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:32.120 President Trump did was to put down his attire as 97 00:05:32.120 --> 00:05:36.560 a way to establish dominance. So he said, oh, you 98 00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:40.360 didn't even put on a suit for me, and Zelensky said, 99 00:05:40.439 --> 00:05:44.680 I wear this everywhere as solidarity for my troops. In 100 00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:47.000 other words, I don't care about you and what your 101 00:05:47.079 --> 00:05:50.920 needs are. I care about my people. Now again, I'm 102 00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:54.399 not talking about right or wrong here. This is not 103 00:05:54.519 --> 00:05:57.319 a moral lesson. This is not a lesson. It's a 104 00:05:57.399 --> 00:05:59.879 lesson on how to accomplish what you need to get accomplished. 105 00:06:00.720 --> 00:06:05.439 And so I think Celensi's response should have been I'm sorry, 106 00:06:05.480 --> 00:06:09.720 you're right, you deserve that, right. I know, Kayla's like that, 107 00:06:09.759 --> 00:06:13.240 it's hard, It's hard, hard, but again, long goal. Think 108 00:06:13.279 --> 00:06:16.319 about the long game, think about the long games, the 109 00:06:16.360 --> 00:06:18.839 battle in the war. Who lose the battle to win 110 00:06:18.879 --> 00:06:23.199 the war. So then they sit down and they start 111 00:06:23.199 --> 00:06:27.879 discussing things, and the most important thing he should have done, 112 00:06:28.639 --> 00:06:33.360 like every other person does, is suck up. Right. When 113 00:06:33.399 --> 00:06:36.160 the president of I can't remember was it egyptber Jordan, 114 00:06:36.240 --> 00:06:40.399 when uh Trump asked him to take two million refugees, 115 00:06:41.240 --> 00:06:44.000 he somehow made it think that it was Trump's idea 116 00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:46.439 by saying, you are such a genius. You're so amazing 117 00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:49.000 that you came up with this idea for us to 118 00:06:49.040 --> 00:06:51.680 take two thousand children who are injured and give them 119 00:06:52.120 --> 00:06:55.560 hospital care. You're such a great person. So he literally 120 00:06:55.560 --> 00:06:59.639 got away from taking two thousand refugees and taking only sorry, 121 00:06:59.800 --> 00:07:03.399 two million refugees and taking only two thousand kids by 122 00:07:03.439 --> 00:07:05.560 making it all think it was Trump's idea and telling 123 00:07:05.639 --> 00:07:08.240 him he was amazing. You know, I heard Freied Zakaria 124 00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:11.199 on Bill Maher on Friday night, and he said he 125 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:14.879 should have said, when you finally bring us peace, which 126 00:07:14.920 --> 00:07:18.160 you have the power to do, let's build the biggest 127 00:07:18.160 --> 00:07:21.920 Trump tower in Kiev, right, and that would have worked. 128 00:07:22.240 --> 00:07:25.079 It would have worked. You have to kiss the ring 129 00:07:25.680 --> 00:07:29.519 with somebody who's tender because they will come out fighting, 130 00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:34.120 which he did. Then we learned that JD. Vance is well, 131 00:07:34.120 --> 00:07:36.079 he's campaigning to be president in four years, but he's 132 00:07:36.120 --> 00:07:38.879 also an attack dog, so he tries the game. And 133 00:07:38.920 --> 00:07:40.680 I want everyone to hear's a lesson of this. To 134 00:07:40.920 --> 00:07:44.879 extract gratitude from zelet you haven't even thanked us for 135 00:07:44.920 --> 00:07:48.279 everything we've done. I just want everyone to know. You're 136 00:07:48.279 --> 00:07:52.839 in a relationship, marriage, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, don't ever try 137 00:07:52.839 --> 00:07:56.399 to extract gratitude or an apology, because even if they 138 00:07:56.439 --> 00:08:00.560 give it, it never feels good because it's extracted. You 139 00:08:00.600 --> 00:08:02.240 know how many times you got into a tip with 140 00:08:02.279 --> 00:08:04.319 somebody and you say, well, you need to say you're sorry, 141 00:08:04.399 --> 00:08:06.399 and they go, okay, I'm sorry. 142 00:08:06.839 --> 00:08:07.560 You didn't mean it. 143 00:08:07.959 --> 00:08:09.920 Do you feel anybot it? Right? That's what the person says, 144 00:08:09.959 --> 00:08:12.759 you didn't mean it. What was extracted? I did what 145 00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:14.680 you said. If you wait a day till they get 146 00:08:14.680 --> 00:08:16.439 a good night's sleep, they'll come back and go, hey, 147 00:08:16.879 --> 00:08:18.879 I'm really sorry. I blew up. I'm sorry. But the 148 00:08:18.920 --> 00:08:21.720 whole thing that happened, and then you believe it because 149 00:08:21.800 --> 00:08:23.279 it's that tone of voice. 150 00:08:23.879 --> 00:08:26.279 This is good advice for a mom of a preteen 151 00:08:26.439 --> 00:08:29.959 as well. Oh yeah, I'm taking this in going okay, 152 00:08:30.399 --> 00:08:32.399 all right, I hear you, I hear you, Doctor Wayne. 153 00:08:32.440 --> 00:08:34.440 I'm going to remind you of this, Heather. A child 154 00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:37.120 cannot truly love their parent unless they're allowed to hate 155 00:08:37.120 --> 00:08:37.840 them sometimes. 156 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:40.240 No, Oh, that hurts my heart. 157 00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:44.440 Teenagers especially, You can't say that you can't talk to 158 00:08:44.480 --> 00:08:46.440 me that way, because then what they won't talk to 159 00:08:46.440 --> 00:08:49.360 you about the tender things that matter either. You have 160 00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:52.480 to have that door open to communication. And when they say, 161 00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:54.639 and I remember standing at the top of the staircase 162 00:08:54.679 --> 00:08:57.480 when I was a teenager screaming at my mother, I 163 00:08:57.519 --> 00:09:00.759 hate you, I hate you, I hate you, and you know, 164 00:09:00.799 --> 00:09:02.879 of course she was so hurt over it all. And 165 00:09:02.919 --> 00:09:05.519 when my own teenage daughters did it, I said, I 166 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:07.200 know you feel like you hate me right now, and 167 00:09:07.279 --> 00:09:09.440 I still love you. And the rule is still a rule. 168 00:09:11.159 --> 00:09:14.000 Just have to keep it calm and acknowledge their feelings. 169 00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:17.559 But you can if you start to legislate somebody's feelings, 170 00:09:18.000 --> 00:09:21.559 which Vance tried to with Zelenski. If you start to 171 00:09:21.639 --> 00:09:25.000 control and legislate somebody's feelings, it's never going to be 172 00:09:25.039 --> 00:09:28.960 authentic even if they do the thing you want. Easier 173 00:09:29.000 --> 00:09:30.960 said than done, But it's so useful. 174 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:32.279 It's a good reminder for sure. 175 00:09:32.399 --> 00:09:34.639 Yeah, and we all need to think about long goals. 176 00:09:34.799 --> 00:09:37.639 What's the long game here? How is it? What do 177 00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:40.399 we want in the end? And so there's going to 178 00:09:40.440 --> 00:09:43.759 be a lot of little negotiations and battles until we 179 00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:45.960 get to the end. Also, I'll just comment, go and 180 00:09:46.039 --> 00:09:48.960 watch the video the body language oh Zelensky with his 181 00:09:49.159 --> 00:09:54.759 arms folded and closed off. And you know I anyway, 182 00:09:54.799 --> 00:09:57.759 my heart breaks for him because I think he's fighting 183 00:09:57.759 --> 00:10:00.679 for his life and his country's life and he needs 184 00:10:00.759 --> 00:10:04.360 America to help him. And he didn't know how to 185 00:10:04.360 --> 00:10:07.679 play that game correctly with that kind of personality. And 186 00:10:07.720 --> 00:10:09.679 you know what, Look, we go to workplaces all the time, 187 00:10:09.720 --> 00:10:12.000 not here iHeart, of course, where there are bosses and 188 00:10:12.120 --> 00:10:15.919 managers who are narcissists, and there are preachers who are narcissists. 189 00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:19.960 There are powerful police officers who tout their power over 190 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:21.600 you who are narciss We have to deal with this 191 00:10:21.679 --> 00:10:24.679 personality type all the time. Is about four percent of 192 00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:27.840 the population a little higher among males, so that brings 193 00:10:27.840 --> 00:10:29.759 it up to bet seven or eight percent of males, 194 00:10:30.879 --> 00:10:34.399 which is true. So we have to understand that there 195 00:10:34.440 --> 00:10:36.480 are people out there that underneath are tender, but you 196 00:10:36.480 --> 00:10:38.200 don't want to remind them they're tender because I think 197 00:10:38.200 --> 00:10:40.360 that's weak, right, because they created the strong person on 198 00:10:40.399 --> 00:10:44.159 the outside. You just want to kiss the ring and 199 00:10:44.279 --> 00:10:47.399 make them feel great and then they will reward you. 200 00:10:47.679 --> 00:10:49.720 And some of them will reward you with love and 201 00:10:49.759 --> 00:10:53.240 goodness and all kinds of things. But sadly, that's how 202 00:10:53.240 --> 00:10:57.440 it works. Hey, when we come back, are you single 203 00:10:57.679 --> 00:11:01.360 in your thirties? Yes, there you are. I want to 204 00:11:01.399 --> 00:11:03.799 remind you it is a whole different game than when 205 00:11:03.799 --> 00:11:05.639 you are dating in your twenties, and I'm going to 206 00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:07.840 lay out a roadmap for you when we come back. 207 00:11:07.840 --> 00:11:10.519 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 208 00:11:10.799 --> 00:11:14.200 AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 209 00:11:15.279 --> 00:11:19.519 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 210 00:11:19.720 --> 00:11:20.679 AM six forty. 211 00:11:22.200 --> 00:11:25.120 Back to the Doctor Wadywall Show on KFI AM six 212 00:11:25.240 --> 00:11:29.360 forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Hey, are you 213 00:11:29.480 --> 00:11:34.159 single in your thirties. I gotta tell you, I bet 214 00:11:34.159 --> 00:11:37.360 your finding out. It's a whole different game than dating 215 00:11:37.519 --> 00:11:41.799 in your twenties. The game gets hard you're near the 216 00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:44.840 finish finish line. I mean, if you want to have 217 00:11:44.879 --> 00:11:49.960 a family. That is so, there are some differences in 218 00:11:50.080 --> 00:11:52.879 dating in your twenties compared to dating in your thirties. 219 00:11:52.919 --> 00:11:55.559 But to fully answer the question, I want us to 220 00:11:55.600 --> 00:11:59.240 go back to our anthropological past. Thousands of years ago, 221 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:07.039 a cooperative tribe helped a young person raise their offspring grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, 222 00:12:07.080 --> 00:12:11.960 et cetera. That means that reproduction happened much earlier and 223 00:12:12.039 --> 00:12:14.840 back then it started and when one was a teenager. 224 00:12:15.120 --> 00:12:15.279 Right. 225 00:12:15.960 --> 00:12:19.039 Also, remember this, the knowledge and skills that were needed 226 00:12:19.080 --> 00:12:23.320 to adult to survive were far less complicated. You had 227 00:12:23.320 --> 00:12:25.200 to know how to build a fire, how to build 228 00:12:25.240 --> 00:12:27.759 a hut, how to hunt avoid some poison berries. 229 00:12:27.960 --> 00:12:28.120 Right. 230 00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:33.000 But today, the intellectual skills needed to survive in today's 231 00:12:33.360 --> 00:12:38.080 increasingly complex social and technological world mean that both males 232 00:12:38.120 --> 00:12:42.799 and females are spending an extra decade becoming educated and 233 00:12:42.879 --> 00:12:48.399 launching their careers. And those interconnected tribes have given way 234 00:12:48.440 --> 00:12:54.039 to nuclear families and single parent, households. Mate selection has 235 00:12:54.080 --> 00:12:57.960 become a long game of skill building. I like to 236 00:12:58.080 --> 00:13:05.000 call today's twenty some thing dating relationships, practice relationships, and 237 00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:08.759 when you're in your thirties, I call those relationships high 238 00:13:08.759 --> 00:13:13.320 stakes relationships. Now because of birth control, today people can 239 00:13:13.399 --> 00:13:19.360 practice relationship skills and audition mates while they simultaneously hone 240 00:13:19.399 --> 00:13:23.799 their own basic survival skills. That means educated, getting educated, 241 00:13:23.919 --> 00:13:27.159 building their career, getting a good job, et cetera. But 242 00:13:27.360 --> 00:13:30.600 for those people who do want to reproduce, have a family, 243 00:13:30.879 --> 00:13:34.679 and that's about eighty percent of humans, the thirties become 244 00:13:34.840 --> 00:13:40.720 a time of high stakes dating. Right A poor mate 245 00:13:40.720 --> 00:13:45.559 selection can send one down a life path to poverty 246 00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:48.879 and poor mental and physical health. I'm not joking about 247 00:13:48.919 --> 00:13:53.559 this now. Some people say that maturity isn't chronological, and 248 00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:55.399 we know that there's some people that are just not 249 00:13:55.559 --> 00:14:00.120 very mature even though they're older. So, but emotional mature 250 00:14:00.320 --> 00:14:04.399 might not be chronological. There are people who stagnate. But 251 00:14:04.480 --> 00:14:08.960 physical maturity is very chronological. And I do want to 252 00:14:09.000 --> 00:14:10.720 say this, and I want to say this carefully because 253 00:14:10.759 --> 00:14:13.360 this doesn't apply to every woman, but for women who 254 00:14:13.399 --> 00:14:17.240 want to become mothers, it becomes a ticking clock for reproduction. 255 00:14:18.159 --> 00:14:21.159 It should be mentioned here that despite the media attention 256 00:14:21.279 --> 00:14:24.840 on dwindling fertility in females, new research is also showing 257 00:14:24.879 --> 00:14:29.519 paternal age is also being associated with developmental disorders like autism. 258 00:14:29.799 --> 00:14:33.320 So male fertility is a real thing too. Look, the 259 00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:36.399 height of female fertility is the age of twenty. It 260 00:14:36.440 --> 00:14:39.320 hovers around the same rate until about the age of thirty, 261 00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:44.759 where it starts to head downhill very quickly, and by 262 00:14:44.840 --> 00:14:49.879 thirty five falls off a cliff. So while someone's in 263 00:14:49.919 --> 00:14:53.240 their thirties, their dating life might look oh more fulfilling 264 00:14:53.279 --> 00:14:57.279 because they're more mature, they've got more life experiences. I 265 00:14:57.279 --> 00:15:00.240 gotta say, it's also become the age of anxiety for 266 00:15:00.440 --> 00:15:05.519 many thirty somethings. There's this scramble to find mates before 267 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:09.399 biology closes reproductive windows. Again, not everyone's going to reproduce 268 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:12.840 or wants to reproduce. About eighty percent do Twenty percent 269 00:15:12.879 --> 00:15:14.960 of humans and that's the way it's been in history 270 00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:19.720 do not reproduce, either by choice or circumstance. The window closes, 271 00:15:20.039 --> 00:15:22.600 or they get some illness, or they can't find a mate, 272 00:15:22.639 --> 00:15:27.320 et cetera. But here's the other thing. People aren't talking about. 273 00:15:28.200 --> 00:15:29.639 I hate to be a Debbie downer here, but I 274 00:15:29.639 --> 00:15:33.919 gotta say it. Partners with a secure attachment style pull 275 00:15:33.960 --> 00:15:38.159 each other off the mating marketplace first. In the United States, 276 00:15:38.159 --> 00:15:41.440 the average first time marriage is thirty for men twenty 277 00:15:41.480 --> 00:15:45.399 eight for women. That means that by thirty more than 278 00:15:45.440 --> 00:15:48.240 half of the healthy mates are off the market. And 279 00:15:48.279 --> 00:15:51.440 what's often left in the dating pool are people who 280 00:15:51.480 --> 00:15:55.159 have an anxious or avoidant attachment style or those who 281 00:15:55.200 --> 00:15:58.480 are just happy staying single. Right now, I do want 282 00:15:58.480 --> 00:16:01.679 to say there's some really good news here because at 283 00:16:01.759 --> 00:16:06.279 any stage of the lifespan, relationship skills can be acquired, 284 00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:11.200 attachment style can change. I am living proof of that. 285 00:16:11.639 --> 00:16:14.639 Through years and years of therapy, I learned how to 286 00:16:14.639 --> 00:16:18.480 have healthy relationships. It takes time, it takes work, usually 287 00:16:18.480 --> 00:16:23.039 in the office of a licensed therapist. Right So I 288 00:16:23.080 --> 00:16:26.279 want you to know that way back when the twenties 289 00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:30.200 were not considered a time of experimentation and practice relationships. 290 00:16:30.480 --> 00:16:32.919 But it wasn't until the advent of birth control in 291 00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:37.159 nineteen sixty two that the game totally changed. Right Prior 292 00:16:37.240 --> 00:16:41.000 to that, the price of making quotation marks of my fingers, 293 00:16:41.039 --> 00:16:45.000 the price of sex was six months of courtship and 294 00:16:45.080 --> 00:16:47.120 an altar. Yeah, in the nineteen fifties, that was the 295 00:16:47.279 --> 00:16:51.279 average date from meeting and getting married six months. Also, 296 00:16:51.320 --> 00:16:53.519 sex was just such a high risk copy for young 297 00:16:53.559 --> 00:16:57.360 people that they didn't have the luxury of dating around. 298 00:16:58.399 --> 00:17:01.039 Now today we have a lot of different changes. I 299 00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:06.599 mentioned technological changes like dating apps. They have totally expanded 300 00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:11.200 the mating marketplace. And of course that is really good 301 00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:15.680 news for people who are in sexual or ethnic minorities, 302 00:17:15.720 --> 00:17:19.359 people who might live in small communities in rural areas 303 00:17:19.680 --> 00:17:23.759 where they might have less like minded made choices. But 304 00:17:23.880 --> 00:17:28.720 for most urban dwellers it's actually made dating harder. You know, 305 00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:31.920 there's this psychological phenomenon I know I've talked about it before, 306 00:17:31.960 --> 00:17:35.559 called the paradox of choice. It says the more choice 307 00:17:35.559 --> 00:17:38.519 a human has, the less likely they are to make 308 00:17:38.559 --> 00:17:40.279 a choice, and when they do make a choice, they 309 00:17:40.400 --> 00:17:42.680 value that choice less. They're thinking about the bigger, better 310 00:17:42.720 --> 00:17:47.160 deal that got away. So dating apps essentially keep people 311 00:17:47.240 --> 00:17:51.640 single by providing too much choice. So, if I have 312 00:17:51.799 --> 00:17:54.519 any advice for you, if you are in your thirties, 313 00:17:55.000 --> 00:17:57.640 don't confuse your twenties with your thirties. It is a 314 00:17:57.680 --> 00:18:01.240 whole new mating game. If you haven't learned healthy relationship skills, 315 00:18:01.279 --> 00:18:04.079 it's time to see a therapist. If you're still using 316 00:18:04.240 --> 00:18:08.000 short term mating strategies that means leaning with hot and 317 00:18:08.039 --> 00:18:11.440 sexy and hope to find a long term relationship, that way, 318 00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:15.839 you will likely lose the mating game. So stop hooking 319 00:18:15.920 --> 00:18:22.559 up and start interviewing right. And while birth control has 320 00:18:22.599 --> 00:18:25.680 helped people delay reproduction, there have been some technological advances 321 00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:28.160 to help extend the fertility window, egg freezing, et cetera. 322 00:18:28.640 --> 00:18:30.920 It's important to realize that we are walking around in 323 00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:33.039 ancient biology and if you want to become a parent, 324 00:18:33.079 --> 00:18:36.279 you got to get this done. So my advice the 325 00:18:36.279 --> 00:18:38.519 biggest solution is get in the real world. Get off 326 00:18:38.519 --> 00:18:41.240 those apps. Don't date more than two people at once, 327 00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:46.079 then eliminate one. Talk about feelings and life goals and 328 00:18:46.240 --> 00:18:51.599 exclusivity and dating, don't fall into a situationship. And also 329 00:18:52.119 --> 00:18:54.480 if you are looking for a long term relationship, say 330 00:18:54.519 --> 00:18:59.279 so and walk away from somebody who isn't exhibiting commitment 331 00:18:59.480 --> 00:19:05.880 orient behavior. You deserve to be loved, to be cared for, 332 00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:09.000 and as I like to say, charge the highest price 333 00:19:09.039 --> 00:19:14.680 you can for sex, which is care and commitment. All right, 334 00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:17.240 when we come back staying on the subject of dating apps, 335 00:19:17.640 --> 00:19:20.200 what are the things that get you banned from a 336 00:19:20.279 --> 00:19:24.039 dating app? You might be surprised you're listening to the 337 00:19:24.119 --> 00:19:26.559 Dr Andny Wall Show on KFI AM six forty re 338 00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:28.960 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 339 00:19:29.480 --> 00:19:33.720 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 340 00:19:33.920 --> 00:19:36.119 AM six forty Welcome back. 341 00:19:35.960 --> 00:19:38.359 To the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six 342 00:19:38.440 --> 00:19:43.480 forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This week, I 343 00:19:43.640 --> 00:19:49.559 was asked by a website to comment on the things 344 00:19:49.640 --> 00:19:55.799 that get people banned from dating apps. Now, anyone can 345 00:19:55.799 --> 00:20:00.799 get banned, no matter what their gender, but sadly, a 346 00:20:00.880 --> 00:20:07.440 number of men often get banned for ethical violations. And 347 00:20:08.079 --> 00:20:11.960 although the dating apps don't really disclose the statistics on 348 00:20:12.039 --> 00:20:17.000 how many men have been complaining, they're like, hey, why 349 00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:20.440 did you ban me? Okay? And I should say there's 350 00:20:20.480 --> 00:20:25.640 controversy about this banning off dating apps because some women 351 00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:29.640 and queer people have reported being banned from dating apps 352 00:20:29.640 --> 00:20:34.160 without clear explanations about the apparent violations. So this makes 353 00:20:34.200 --> 00:20:40.319 us question fairness transparency. Right, Sometimes there are background check errors. 354 00:20:41.519 --> 00:20:45.440 There are people who might have non violent offenses, or 355 00:20:45.519 --> 00:20:50.920 those who are mistakenly identified because they're automated background checks, 356 00:20:50.920 --> 00:20:55.200 so the robot thinks they're the name of somebody else 357 00:20:55.279 --> 00:20:58.680 who was a violent criminal, and they're not that person, right. 358 00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:03.960 So you know, mistakes like that show potential flaws in 359 00:21:04.400 --> 00:21:09.319 this whole background check system. Then there are safety concerns, right. 360 00:21:09.759 --> 00:21:14.880 Some dating app companies have been aware of users who 361 00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:20.880 have been reported for serious offenses like assault, and so 362 00:21:20.920 --> 00:21:23.920 some people say the dating apps aren't doing enough, that 363 00:21:23.960 --> 00:21:28.960 they haven't consistently acted on this information. And so I 364 00:21:29.039 --> 00:21:33.079 will tell you that there are some common things that 365 00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:38.279 tend to get people banned off the dating apps. So 366 00:21:38.319 --> 00:21:40.720 I just want you to know about them so that 367 00:21:40.759 --> 00:21:45.559 you won't make the dumb, knucklehead mistake of doing some 368 00:21:45.599 --> 00:21:48.559 of these things. I can't believe I have to say this, 369 00:21:48.680 --> 00:21:51.839 but the most common thing that gets men banned from 370 00:21:51.920 --> 00:21:57.240 dating apps are pictures of their appendage. So did you 371 00:21:57.319 --> 00:22:01.759 know that before we had robots and AI scanning people's profiles. 372 00:22:01.839 --> 00:22:04.640 And even they're all the messages that you send on 373 00:22:04.680 --> 00:22:08.359 the dating apps, they're not private, private robots are reading them, right. 374 00:22:09.279 --> 00:22:13.400 They used to employ humans, mostly male, And I remember 375 00:22:13.440 --> 00:22:17.319 reading this blog once written by a man who said, 376 00:22:17.920 --> 00:22:20.880 my job is to look at penises all day long. 377 00:22:21.440 --> 00:22:23.640 He worked for one of the major dating apps, and 378 00:22:23.720 --> 00:22:25.480 he had to make the decision whether to pull down 379 00:22:25.480 --> 00:22:28.599 people's profiles or ban them from the app. So nudity 380 00:22:29.200 --> 00:22:33.799 not good. Now robots are doing the work. Nudity not good. Also, 381 00:22:33.839 --> 00:22:39.759 the robots scan for hate speech, harassment, romance scams, thank goodness, 382 00:22:40.039 --> 00:22:42.960 and offers of prostitution. Dating apps are not the place 383 00:22:43.000 --> 00:22:47.880 to be a prostitute. Apps want to keep female users, say, 384 00:22:47.960 --> 00:22:51.079 from mental harm or financial abuse. No one should be 385 00:22:51.079 --> 00:22:53.680 asking you for money on those apps, and maybe even 386 00:22:53.880 --> 00:22:57.759 God forbid physical danger. So here are the things that 387 00:22:57.839 --> 00:23:00.960 most often will get you banned. I mentioned it's a 388 00:23:00.960 --> 00:23:06.759 big one. Harassment and inappropriate behavior that includes sending explicit 389 00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:11.880 messages or images that they don't want, persistent messaging after 390 00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:16.720 being rejected. That's stalking like behavior. Okay, so if somebody 391 00:23:16.720 --> 00:23:19.960 says no, sorry, I'm not available, you know, everybody gets 392 00:23:20.039 --> 00:23:22.519 a couple chances at bat. You might send one or 393 00:23:22.519 --> 00:23:25.440 two other texts. But if you start sending texts every 394 00:23:25.519 --> 00:23:27.960 day and it goes on for weeks or months or 395 00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:33.200 emails that's considered stalking, or if you use insulting or 396 00:23:33.240 --> 00:23:37.119 degrading language. You know, one time I was on an 397 00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:41.000 app and I made a joke that was misunderstood. It 398 00:23:41.039 --> 00:23:43.839 was meant to be something light and I definitely wasn't, 399 00:23:44.359 --> 00:23:47.720 and this guy got so defensive and started swearing at 400 00:23:47.759 --> 00:23:52.359 me and whatever, and I was just like, WHOA, all right. 401 00:23:52.400 --> 00:23:55.720