Speaker 1: This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
Speaker 1: I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.
Speaker 1: There goes my kombucha in my throat right when I
Speaker 1: drink my ginger lemon kombucha. Then I go on the show.
Speaker 1: That's not good thinking, is it, Kayla?
Speaker 2: It always happens though.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on ka IF
Speaker 1: I Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app
Speaker 1: I Am with Producer Kayla. I am with Raoul. How
Speaker 1: are you doing, roul?
Speaker 3: Excellent? Excellent.
Speaker 1: By the way, I told these people around here that
Speaker 1: you're the biggest celebrity, and they said somebody else was,
Speaker 1: and I was like, no, I don't think so who who?
Speaker 1: What people? Other people look? Just whatever you want to believe.
Speaker 1: Whatever kool aid you're drinking, that's all good. I just
Speaker 1: know that when I stayed at the Four Seasons in Sydney, Australia,
Speaker 1: they bumped me up to a pretty fabulous suite. The
Speaker 1: last time Julio, my husband, was there, he was running
Speaker 1: j Lo's production company, and he said you got a
Speaker 1: better room than j Lo and Heather. It's good to
Speaker 1: have you back.
Speaker 2: Thank you. It's so good to die back. And I
Speaker 2: wanted to tell you, after all that stuff went down
Speaker 2: last fall, you had the most comforting and kind show.
Speaker 2: I tuned in and I listened because I was really
Speaker 2: curious to hear how everyone sort of responded, what the
Speaker 2: hoe said, and who didn't say anything, And your words
Speaker 2: were so comforting in the midst of all of that.
Speaker 2: And I know it was probably really awkward and difficult time,
Speaker 2: and so just on a personal level, I just really
Speaker 2: appreciated that.
Speaker 1: I want to thank you that. You know, we have
Speaker 1: to be reminded that more than half the country voted
Speaker 1: the way it did, and they are our brothers and
Speaker 1: sisters and cousins, and we, for some reason didn't listen
Speaker 1: to them, and someone else gave them a few slogans
Speaker 1: that they used to vote. And it's a hard time,
Speaker 1: but we must respect everybody and their needs, and we
Speaker 1: must ask the question, how did we fail you for
Speaker 1: those if we feel voted the way they shouldn't have.
Speaker 1: And speaking of which, Heather, you can even weigh in
Speaker 1: on this. I want to start by analyzing the communication
Speaker 1: breakdown between Zelenski and Trump. And I don't normally talk
Speaker 1: about politics except to talk about coming together as one
Speaker 1: nation and one people, but I wanted to use this
Speaker 1: as an example for us all on how we can
Speaker 1: learn to have better communication skills. Right, So the first thing,
Speaker 1: if you don't know what I'm talking about, quick summary,
Speaker 1: if you've been living under a rock. Apparently, Zelensky and
Speaker 1: Trump had a lovely meeting that was supposed to be
Speaker 1: capped with a press conference in the Oval Office, followed
Speaker 1: by a lovely lunch followed by a press conference and
Speaker 1: then the signing of a peace agreement and then a
Speaker 1: lovely lunch and a Kumbaya and a hug, and off
Speaker 1: you would go. But it all fell apart once they
Speaker 1: got in the Oval Office and all the media was
Speaker 1: there because now there were different needs in the room,
Speaker 1: and some things were missed first of all, and they
Speaker 1: got in a fight. And it's all over social media.
Speaker 1: It's all over every media. It's everywhere. It's like Real
Speaker 1: Housewives of the White House is stuff. It's reality show stuff.
Speaker 1: So when you're communicating with anybody, I want you always
Speaker 1: to ask yourself, what is my goal here? And I
Speaker 1: think Zelensky lost sight of what his goal was. Sometimes
Speaker 1: you have to lose a battle to win a war.
Speaker 1: And I don't think there's anybody on the planet who
Speaker 1: doesn't understand the psyche of our president.
Speaker 3: He.
Speaker 1: You know, many many psychologists have come on this show
Speaker 1: and other shows and fully diagnosed him as a malignant narcissist.
Speaker 1: So if you're going to have to have communication with
Speaker 1: somebody like that, maybe you're dating them, maybe you're married
Speaker 1: to them, you have to understand how a narcissistic brain works,
Speaker 1: and it works like this. The underbelly of narcissism is
Speaker 1: self loathing. I don't think I'm good enough, so I
Speaker 1: have to create a public persona that's bigger and better.
Speaker 1: And the one thing a narcissist cannot tolerate is shame.
Speaker 1: You can never let them lose face because the only
Speaker 1: way they can defend from it is to come out
Speaker 1: fighting and put someone down. So another thing that happened
Speaker 1: was that there were two different conversations happening. Zelenski was
Speaker 1: experiencing an excedent existential crisis for his country and fighting
Speaker 1: for his life, his troops, his country's identity, and President Trump.
Speaker 1: I think was doing a business deal. He wanted mineral rights.
Speaker 1: So first mistake when you meet anyone who is I
Speaker 1: don't want to always diagnose people as we all have
Speaker 1: some narcissism in right. Let's say somebody who you know
Speaker 1: is a little fragile and they are a boaster, they're
Speaker 1: bigger than life, and the first thing you have to
Speaker 1: do is kiss the ring so they know you're safe.
Speaker 1: That's bottom line is they don't know whether you will
Speaker 1: be an adversary or not. And so what happened is
Speaker 1: Zelensky got out of the car and the first thing
Speaker 1: President Trump did was to put down his attire as
Speaker 1: a way to establish dominance. So he said, oh, you
Speaker 1: didn't even put on a suit for me, and Zelensky said,
Speaker 1: I wear this everywhere as solidarity for my troops. In
Speaker 1: other words, I don't care about you and what your
Speaker 1: needs are. I care about my people. Now again, I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about right or wrong here. This is not
Speaker 1: a moral lesson. This is not a lesson. It's a
Speaker 1: lesson on how to accomplish what you need to get accomplished.
Speaker 1: And so I think Celensi's response should have been I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: you're right, you deserve that, right. I know, Kayla's like that,
Speaker 1: it's hard, It's hard, hard, but again, long goal. Think
Speaker 1: about the long game, think about the long games, the
Speaker 1: battle in the war. Who lose the battle to win
Speaker 1: the war. So then they sit down and they start
Speaker 1: discussing things, and the most important thing he should have done,
Speaker 1: like every other person does, is suck up. Right. When
Speaker 1: the president of I can't remember was it egyptber Jordan,
Speaker 1: when uh Trump asked him to take two million refugees,
Speaker 1: he somehow made it think that it was Trump's idea
Speaker 1: by saying, you are such a genius. You're so amazing
Speaker 1: that you came up with this idea for us to
Speaker 1: take two thousand children who are injured and give them
Speaker 1: hospital care. You're such a great person. So he literally
Speaker 1: got away from taking two thousand refugees and taking only sorry,
Speaker 1: two million refugees and taking only two thousand kids by
Speaker 1: making it all think it was Trump's idea and telling
Speaker 1: him he was amazing. You know, I heard Freied Zakaria
Speaker 1: on Bill Maher on Friday night, and he said he
Speaker 1: should have said, when you finally bring us peace, which
Speaker 1: you have the power to do, let's build the biggest
Speaker 1: Trump tower in Kiev, right, and that would have worked.
Speaker 1: It would have worked. You have to kiss the ring
Speaker 1: with somebody who's tender because they will come out fighting,
Speaker 1: which he did. Then we learned that JD. Vance is well,
Speaker 1: he's campaigning to be president in four years, but he's
Speaker 1: also an attack dog, so he tries the game. And
Speaker 1: I want everyone to hear's a lesson of this. To
Speaker 1: extract gratitude from zelet you haven't even thanked us for
Speaker 1: everything we've done. I just want everyone to know. You're
Speaker 1: in a relationship, marriage, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, don't ever try
Speaker 1: to extract gratitude or an apology, because even if they
Speaker 1: give it, it never feels good because it's extracted. You
Speaker 1: know how many times you got into a tip with
Speaker 1: somebody and you say, well, you need to say you're sorry,
Speaker 1: and they go, okay, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: You didn't mean it.
Speaker 1: Do you feel anybot it? Right? That's what the person says,
Speaker 1: you didn't mean it. What was extracted? I did what
Speaker 1: you said. If you wait a day till they get
Speaker 1: a good night's sleep, they'll come back and go, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm really sorry. I blew up. I'm sorry. But the
Speaker 1: whole thing that happened, and then you believe it because
Speaker 1: it's that tone of voice.
Speaker 2: This is good advice for a mom of a preteen
Speaker 2: as well. Oh yeah, I'm taking this in going okay,
Speaker 2: all right, I hear you, I hear you, Doctor Wayne.
Speaker 1: I'm going to remind you of this, Heather. A child
Speaker 1: cannot truly love their parent unless they're allowed to hate
Speaker 1: them sometimes.
Speaker 2: No, Oh, that hurts my heart.
Speaker 1: Teenagers especially, You can't say that you can't talk to
Speaker 1: me that way, because then what they won't talk to
Speaker 1: you about the tender things that matter either. You have
Speaker 1: to have that door open to communication. And when they say,
Speaker 1: and I remember standing at the top of the staircase
Speaker 1: when I was a teenager screaming at my mother, I
Speaker 1: hate you, I hate you, I hate you, and you know,
Speaker 1: of course she was so hurt over it all. And
Speaker 1: when my own teenage daughters did it, I said, I
Speaker 1: know you feel like you hate me right now, and
Speaker 1: I still love you. And the rule is still a rule.
Speaker 1: Just have to keep it calm and acknowledge their feelings.
Speaker 1: But you can if you start to legislate somebody's feelings,
Speaker 1: which Vance tried to with Zelenski. If you start to
Speaker 1: control and legislate somebody's feelings, it's never going to be
Speaker 1: authentic even if they do the thing you want. Easier
Speaker 1: said than done, But it's so useful.
Speaker 2: It's a good reminder for sure.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and we all need to think about long goals.
Speaker 1: What's the long game here? How is it? What do
Speaker 1: we want in the end? And so there's going to
Speaker 1: be a lot of little negotiations and battles until we
Speaker 1: get to the end. Also, I'll just comment, go and
Speaker 1: watch the video the body language oh Zelensky with his
Speaker 1: arms folded and closed off. And you know I anyway,
Speaker 1: my heart breaks for him because I think he's fighting
Speaker 1: for his life and his country's life and he needs
Speaker 1: America to help him. And he didn't know how to
Speaker 1: play that game correctly with that kind of personality. And
Speaker 1: you know what, Look, we go to workplaces all the time,
Speaker 1: not here iHeart, of course, where there are bosses and
Speaker 1: managers who are narcissists, and there are preachers who are narcissists.
Speaker 1: There are powerful police officers who tout their power over
Speaker 1: you who are narciss We have to deal with this
Speaker 1: personality type all the time. Is about four percent of
Speaker 1: the population a little higher among males, so that brings
Speaker 1: it up to bet seven or eight percent of males,
Speaker 1: which is true. So we have to understand that there
Speaker 1: are people out there that underneath are tender, but you
Speaker 1: don't want to remind them they're tender because I think
Speaker 1: that's weak, right, because they created the strong person on
Speaker 1: the outside. You just want to kiss the ring and
Speaker 1: make them feel great and then they will reward you.
Speaker 1: And some of them will reward you with love and
Speaker 1: goodness and all kinds of things. But sadly, that's how
Speaker 1: it works. Hey, when we come back, are you single
Speaker 1: in your thirties? Yes, there you are. I want to
Speaker 1: remind you it is a whole different game than when
Speaker 1: you are dating in your twenties, and I'm going to
Speaker 1: lay out a roadmap for you when we come back.
Speaker 1: You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Back to the Doctor Wadywall Show on KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Hey, are you
Speaker 1: single in your thirties. I gotta tell you, I bet
Speaker 1: your finding out. It's a whole different game than dating
Speaker 1: in your twenties. The game gets hard you're near the
Speaker 1: finish finish line. I mean, if you want to have
Speaker 1: a family. That is so, there are some differences in
Speaker 1: dating in your twenties compared to dating in your thirties.
Speaker 1: But to fully answer the question, I want us to
Speaker 1: go back to our anthropological past. Thousands of years ago,
Speaker 1: a cooperative tribe helped a young person raise their offspring grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins,
Speaker 1: et cetera. That means that reproduction happened much earlier and
Speaker 1: back then it started and when one was a teenager.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: Also, remember this, the knowledge and skills that were needed
Speaker 1: to adult to survive were far less complicated. You had
Speaker 1: to know how to build a fire, how to build
Speaker 1: a hut, how to hunt avoid some poison berries.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: But today, the intellectual skills needed to survive in today's
Speaker 1: increasingly complex social and technological world mean that both males
Speaker 1: and females are spending an extra decade becoming educated and
Speaker 1: launching their careers. And those interconnected tribes have given way
Speaker 1: to nuclear families and single parent, households. Mate selection has
Speaker 1: become a long game of skill building. I like to
Speaker 1: call today's twenty some thing dating relationships, practice relationships, and
Speaker 1: when you're in your thirties, I call those relationships high
Speaker 1: stakes relationships. Now because of birth control, today people can
Speaker 1: practice relationship skills and audition mates while they simultaneously hone
Speaker 1: their own basic survival skills. That means educated, getting educated,
Speaker 1: building their career, getting a good job, et cetera. But
Speaker 1: for those people who do want to reproduce, have a family,
Speaker 1: and that's about eighty percent of humans, the thirties become
Speaker 1: a time of high stakes dating. Right A poor mate
Speaker 1: selection can send one down a life path to poverty
Speaker 1: and poor mental and physical health. I'm not joking about
Speaker 1: this now. Some people say that maturity isn't chronological, and
Speaker 1: we know that there's some people that are just not
Speaker 1: very mature even though they're older. So, but emotional mature
Speaker 1: might not be chronological. There are people who stagnate. But
Speaker 1: physical maturity is very chronological. And I do want to
Speaker 1: say this, and I want to say this carefully because
Speaker 1: this doesn't apply to every woman, but for women who
Speaker 1: want to become mothers, it becomes a ticking clock for reproduction.
Speaker 1: It should be mentioned here that despite the media attention
Speaker 1: on dwindling fertility in females, new research is also showing
Speaker 1: paternal age is also being associated with developmental disorders like autism.
Speaker 1: So male fertility is a real thing too. Look, the
Speaker 1: height of female fertility is the age of twenty. It
Speaker 1: hovers around the same rate until about the age of thirty,
Speaker 1: where it starts to head downhill very quickly, and by
Speaker 1: thirty five falls off a cliff. So while someone's in
Speaker 1: their thirties, their dating life might look oh more fulfilling
Speaker 1: because they're more mature, they've got more life experiences. I
Speaker 1: gotta say, it's also become the age of anxiety for
Speaker 1: many thirty somethings. There's this scramble to find mates before
Speaker 1: biology closes reproductive windows. Again, not everyone's going to reproduce
Speaker 1: or wants to reproduce. About eighty percent do Twenty percent
Speaker 1: of humans and that's the way it's been in history
Speaker 1: do not reproduce, either by choice or circumstance. The window closes,
Speaker 1: or they get some illness, or they can't find a mate,
Speaker 1: et cetera. But here's the other thing. People aren't talking about.
Speaker 1: I hate to be a Debbie downer here, but I
Speaker 1: gotta say it. Partners with a secure attachment style pull
Speaker 1: each other off the mating marketplace first. In the United States,
Speaker 1: the average first time marriage is thirty for men twenty
Speaker 1: eight for women. That means that by thirty more than
Speaker 1: half of the healthy mates are off the market. And
Speaker 1: what's often left in the dating pool are people who
Speaker 1: have an anxious or avoidant attachment style or those who
Speaker 1: are just happy staying single. Right now, I do want
Speaker 1: to say there's some really good news here because at
Speaker 1: any stage of the lifespan, relationship skills can be acquired,
Speaker 1: attachment style can change. I am living proof of that.
Speaker 1: Through years and years of therapy, I learned how to
Speaker 1: have healthy relationships. It takes time, it takes work, usually
Speaker 1: in the office of a licensed therapist. Right So I
Speaker 1: want you to know that way back when the twenties
Speaker 1: were not considered a time of experimentation and practice relationships.
Speaker 1: But it wasn't until the advent of birth control in
Speaker 1: nineteen sixty two that the game totally changed. Right Prior
Speaker 1: to that, the price of making quotation marks of my fingers,
Speaker 1: the price of sex was six months of courtship and
Speaker 1: an altar. Yeah, in the nineteen fifties, that was the
Speaker 1: average date from meeting and getting married six months. Also,
Speaker 1: sex was just such a high risk copy for young
Speaker 1: people that they didn't have the luxury of dating around.
Speaker 1: Now today we have a lot of different changes. I
Speaker 1: mentioned technological changes like dating apps. They have totally expanded
Speaker 1: the mating marketplace. And of course that is really good
Speaker 1: news for people who are in sexual or ethnic minorities,
Speaker 1: people who might live in small communities in rural areas
Speaker 1: where they might have less like minded made choices. But
Speaker 1: for most urban dwellers it's actually made dating harder. You know,
Speaker 1: there's this psychological phenomenon I know I've talked about it before,
Speaker 1: called the paradox of choice. It says the more choice
Speaker 1: a human has, the less likely they are to make
Speaker 1: a choice, and when they do make a choice, they
Speaker 1: value that choice less. They're thinking about the bigger, better
Speaker 1: deal that got away. So dating apps essentially keep people
Speaker 1: single by providing too much choice. So, if I have
Speaker 1: any advice for you, if you are in your thirties,
Speaker 1: don't confuse your twenties with your thirties. It is a
Speaker 1: whole new mating game. If you haven't learned healthy relationship skills,
Speaker 1: it's time to see a therapist. If you're still using
Speaker 1: short term mating strategies that means leaning with hot and
Speaker 1: sexy and hope to find a long term relationship, that way,
Speaker 1: you will likely lose the mating game. So stop hooking
Speaker 1: up and start interviewing right. And while birth control has
Speaker 1: helped people delay reproduction, there have been some technological advances
Speaker 1: to help extend the fertility window, egg freezing, et cetera.
Speaker 1: It's important to realize that we are walking around in
Speaker 1: ancient biology and if you want to become a parent,
Speaker 1: you got to get this done. So my advice the
Speaker 1: biggest solution is get in the real world. Get off
Speaker 1: those apps. Don't date more than two people at once,
Speaker 1: then eliminate one. Talk about feelings and life goals and
Speaker 1: exclusivity and dating, don't fall into a situationship. And also
Speaker 1: if you are looking for a long term relationship, say
Speaker 1: so and walk away from somebody who isn't exhibiting commitment
Speaker 1: orient behavior. You deserve to be loved, to be cared for,
Speaker 1: and as I like to say, charge the highest price
Speaker 1: you can for sex, which is care and commitment. All right,
Speaker 1: when we come back staying on the subject of dating apps,
Speaker 1: what are the things that get you banned from a
Speaker 1: dating app? You might be surprised you're listening to the
Speaker 1: Dr Andny Wall Show on KFI AM six forty re
Speaker 1: live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1: To the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This week, I
Speaker 1: was asked by a website to comment on the things
Speaker 1: that get people banned from dating apps. Now, anyone can
Speaker 1: get banned, no matter what their gender, but sadly, a
Speaker 1: number of men often get banned for ethical violations. And
Speaker 1: although the dating apps don't really disclose the statistics on
Speaker 1: how many men have been complaining, they're like, hey, why
Speaker 1: did you ban me? Okay? And I should say there's
Speaker 1: controversy about this banning off dating apps because some women
Speaker 1: and queer people have reported being banned from dating apps
Speaker 1: without clear explanations about the apparent violations. So this makes
Speaker 1: us question fairness transparency. Right, Sometimes there are background check errors.
Speaker 1: There are people who might have non violent offenses, or
Speaker 1: those who are mistakenly identified because they're automated background checks,
Speaker 1: so the robot thinks they're the name of somebody else
Speaker 1: who was a violent criminal, and they're not that person, right.
Speaker 1: So you know, mistakes like that show potential flaws in
Speaker 1: this whole background check system. Then there are safety concerns, right.
Speaker 1: Some dating app companies have been aware of users who
Speaker 1: have been reported for serious offenses like assault, and so
Speaker 1: some people say the dating apps aren't doing enough, that
Speaker 1: they haven't consistently acted on this information. And so I
Speaker 1: will tell you that there are some common things that
Speaker 1: tend to get people banned off the dating apps. So
Speaker 1: I just want you to know about them so that
Speaker 1: you won't make the dumb, knucklehead mistake of doing some
Speaker 1: of these things. I can't believe I have to say this,
Speaker 1: but the most common thing that gets men banned from
Speaker 1: dating apps are pictures of their appendage. So did you
Speaker 1: know that before we had robots and AI scanning people's profiles.
Speaker 1: And even they're all the messages that you send on
Speaker 1: the dating apps, they're not private, private robots are reading them, right.
Speaker 1: They used to employ humans, mostly male, And I remember
Speaker 1: reading this blog once written by a man who said,
Speaker 1: my job is to look at penises all day long.
Speaker 1: He worked for one of the major dating apps, and
Speaker 1: he had to make the decision whether to pull down
Speaker 1: people's profiles or ban them from the app. So nudity
Speaker 1: not good. Now robots are doing the work. Nudity not good. Also,
Speaker 1: the robots scan for hate speech, harassment, romance scams, thank goodness,
Speaker 1: and offers of prostitution. Dating apps are not the place
Speaker 1: to be a prostitute. Apps want to keep female users, say,
Speaker 1: from mental harm or financial abuse. No one should be
Speaker 1: asking you for money on those apps, and maybe even
Speaker 1: God forbid physical danger. So here are the things that
Speaker 1: most often will get you banned. I mentioned it's a
Speaker 1: big one. Harassment and inappropriate behavior that includes sending explicit
Speaker 1: messages or images that they don't want, persistent messaging after
Speaker 1: being rejected. That's stalking like behavior. Okay, so if somebody
Speaker 1: says no, sorry, I'm not available, you know, everybody gets
Speaker 1: a couple chances at bat. You might send one or
Speaker 1: two other texts. But if you start sending texts every
Speaker 1: day and it goes on for weeks or months or
Speaker 1: emails that's considered stalking, or if you use insulting or
Speaker 1: degrading language. You know, one time I was on an
Speaker 1: app and I made a joke that was misunderstood. It
Speaker 1: was meant to be something light and I definitely wasn't,
Speaker 1: and this guy got so defensive and started swearing at
Speaker 1: me and whatever, and I was just like, WHOA, all right.
Speaker 1: Another thing that will get you banned is catfishing. Catfishing
Speaker 1: means pretending to be somebody else or just general misrepresentation.
Speaker 1: So if you use a f or heavily edited profile pictures,
Speaker 1: that's a red flag for the algorithm. If you try
Speaker 1: to impersonate somebody else, like a celebrity, Oh, I've met
Speaker 1: those online and you're quite sure you're talking to this
Speaker 1: person who's a celebrity and they're not. If you're really
Speaker 1: lying seriously about your age, your profession, other major details,
Speaker 1: and the bot can figure it out because they could
Speaker 1: take pictures of you and put it through scans online
Speaker 1: and see if you're really that person or not. Obviously
Speaker 1: threatening behavior, threats of physical harm, hate speech, being aggressive
Speaker 1: or intimidating romance scams if that bot sees you trying
Speaker 1: to get people to send money or to try to
Speaker 1: get personal information. Obviously sexual misconduct, underage users, etc. But
Speaker 1: there are subtle things that guys do and they don't
Speaker 1: even realize they can get them banned. I mean, you
Speaker 1: gotta understand, gentlemen, that female psychology is very different than
Speaker 1: male psychology. Women aren't as visually wired. We are more verbal,
Speaker 1: which means we care more about what you write than
Speaker 1: the picks you post. So on the other hand, women
Speaker 1: have a much lower threshold for disgust. And let's face it,
Speaker 1: there are some parts of a man's body that just
Speaker 1: are not visually appealing. Okay, we'll leave it at that.
Speaker 1: And also, I do need to say this. Any selfie
Speaker 1: taken in a bathroom will be psychologically contaminated in our
Speaker 1: mind by the germ count in the room. That's what
Speaker 1: we're visualizing, double the nausea. If the toilet lid is
Speaker 1: up behind you, you think you're being cool taking your
Speaker 1: selfie in the bathroom mirror, showing us your abs, and
Speaker 1: all we see is the toilet with the lid up,
Speaker 1: and we're going to vomit seriously. So you might not
Speaker 1: get banned by the app, but you'll get very few
Speaker 1: women engaging with you if you spend most of your
Speaker 1: time commenting on women's bodies and physics, especially if your
Speaker 1: comment is negative, and sometimes you're just being a knucklehead, right,
Speaker 1: you're not even thinking about how it's going to sound.
Speaker 1: One time, a surgeon sent me a picture of him
Speaker 1: doing surgery. Okay, great, you're showing me your job. No,
Speaker 1: the blood and guts were involved. Gross. I mean, the
Speaker 1: patient wasn't identifiable. But I don't need to see a
Speaker 1: kidney I don't. Nope, nope, nope. Here's two rules that
Speaker 1: I have. I've just made them up for men to
Speaker 1: remain respectful while you're navigating those dating apps. Number one,
Speaker 1: do not lead with sexy talk unless you're looking for
Speaker 1: a hookup. One time I was on the app and
Speaker 1: one guy's very first message to me was how do
Speaker 1: I get between you? Or how do I get between
Speaker 1: those white jeans and you? Ew? He was referring to
Speaker 1: a photo of me with my daughters. It was gross.
Speaker 1: I swept away. Actually I first told him that's inappropriate. Also,
Speaker 1: don't be negative or critical. Even wed men post about
Speaker 1: politics in a negative way, it makes them look like
Speaker 1: a downer. Try to look like an optimist. Try to
Speaker 1: find common interest to talk about, and always be polite
Speaker 1: and positive. Remember, you are telescoping your future to this
Speaker 1: woman of what her life is going to be like
Speaker 1: with you. Show her that the skies will be blue ahead. Okay,
Speaker 1: no negativity. Hey, when we come back, I am going
Speaker 1: to be answering your social media questions. Send me a
Speaker 1: DM on Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh,
Speaker 1: and I'll keep your identity private, but let me weigh
Speaker 1: in on your love life when we come back. You're
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to a Doctor Walsh Show kas everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app. So this is the time of the
Speaker 1: show when I dive deep into my social media. Read
Speaker 1: those dms. Some of you send me emails during the
Speaker 1: week through my website. That's fine too, that works. I
Speaker 1: forward them to producer Kayla. You know, I do keep
Speaker 1: your identity a secret so you can share personal things
Speaker 1: and a reminder. I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor,
Speaker 1: although I'm really happy when some of my students become therapists.
Speaker 1: But I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation
Speaker 1: on attachment theory, I read studies about the science of
Speaker 1: love all day long. And I'm a veteran of therapy.
Speaker 1: I've been in therapy for many, many decades, and I
Speaker 1: love it, So I'm happy to weigh in. Okay, let's
Speaker 1: turn to the DMS. Dear doctor, Wendy, Oh, my girlfriend
Speaker 1: just got a job in Paris. I can't breathe. We've
Speaker 1: been together for two years. I can't move out of
Speaker 1: the country. How can we make this work? All right?
Speaker 1: So you're acting like this is in your control. You say,
Speaker 1: how can we make this work? When she went and
Speaker 1: applied for a job without checking with you, this might
Speaker 1: be a quiet breakup. I hate to tell you that,
Speaker 1: but it might be a quiet breakup. Why wasn't this
Speaker 1: planned and discussed before she started applying for jobs? I
Speaker 1: think the question you need to ask her is, how
Speaker 1: do you want to make this relationship work with me?
Speaker 1: If you are so far away? Maybe the job is short,
Speaker 1: maybe it's only for a certain period of time, maybe
Speaker 1: your situation will change. But asking me how you can
Speaker 1: take full responsibility of somebody else's decisions and lives doesn't
Speaker 1: make sense. That's her job to talk to you about it.
Speaker 1: And because she hasn't, sounds like she hasn't. I think
Speaker 1: she's quiet breaking up with you because somebody who deeply
Speaker 1: loves you and who's committed to you wouldn't do this
Speaker 1: without a whole lot of planning, right. Sounds like it
Speaker 1: came out of the blue. I'm sorry you're hurting. That's
Speaker 1: a terrible thing. Okay, next DM Hi, doctor Wendy. I
Speaker 1: was social media stalking and found a woman whom my
Speaker 1: situationship is dating. So I pause there to explain what
Speaker 1: a situationship is. Basically, it's an undefined relationship where one
Speaker 1: is having sex with somebody and nobody is publicly saying
Speaker 1: you're my boyfriend, you're my girlfriend, and let's not have
Speaker 1: sex with anybody else. It's just sort of like it's
Speaker 1: a painful place to be in as far as I'm concerned.
Speaker 1: So people use the term situationship to describe the relationship
Speaker 1: like that, and they also used to describe the person
Speaker 1: like that's my hookup, that's my madeu, that's my situationship. Right,
Speaker 1: So she's saying she was social media stocking. She found
Speaker 1: another woman whom the guy she's currently having sex with
Speaker 1: seems to be dating. Then she goes on, we never
Speaker 1: discussed exclusivity, but I feel we should have a conversation
Speaker 1: about this. You think, okay, I don't want to admit
Speaker 1: to my stocking, but I want to say something. How
Speaker 1: do I go about this? All right, you shouldn't admit
Speaker 1: to your stalking, and you shouldn't ever stalk. Well, stocking
Speaker 1: is it. You didn't go through his phone and find stuff.
Speaker 1: You actually publicly stow stuff on social media. That's not
Speaker 1: actually stalking. If he posted a picture of him and
Speaker 1: some woman out there and you're having sex with him,
Speaker 1: that needs to be addressed. That's not stalking. That's like
Speaker 1: him standing in the town square with a megaphone going hey,
Speaker 1: look at who I'm with, and you going, oh, I
Speaker 1: shouldn't be looking right, I'm in a situation ship. No, no, no.
Speaker 1: If he posted something and you saw it, or if
Speaker 1: she posted something and you saw it, that's public that
Speaker 1: is fair game to comment on. You don't have to
Speaker 1: hide that. Okay, but it sounds like you're falling for
Speaker 1: this guy and it's time for you. How with the
Speaker 1: conversation about exclusivity, and the conversation should go like this, Hey,
Speaker 1: we've been dating each other long enough. I'm starting to
Speaker 1: really have feelings for you. Are you ready to be exclusive?
Speaker 1: And if not, then we need to separate. And this
Speaker 1: shouldn't be a veiled threat. You can't give somebody an
Speaker 1: ultimatum unless you actually follow up on it. And if
Speaker 1: he says no, I just like things how they are,
Speaker 1: then it's on you. Any pain you have in the
Speaker 1: future is on you. You brought it to yourself because
Speaker 1: he told you. You know, so many people will say,
Speaker 1: you know, they said that they didn't want a relationship,
Speaker 1: but I knew they didn't really mean it. I'm like,
Speaker 1: uh no, they if they tell you something about who
Speaker 1: they are, then believe them. Believe them they're telling you.
Speaker 1: So yeah, you got to be bold. You got to
Speaker 1: have that conversation and if it's not the answer that
Speaker 1: you want, then you got to move on. Otherwise you're
Speaker 1: just hurting yourself.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 1: Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, I just moved to LA I
Speaker 1: am attractive. Oh nice self esteem. I like that and
Speaker 1: never have had an issue getting a date. Why don't
Speaker 1: the guys approach me out here? Oh? Interesting? As a woman,
Speaker 1: am I supposed to make the first move? No? No, no,
Speaker 1: no no. I feel an energy, but the guy never
Speaker 1: makes the move. It's so odd. Okay, don't know where
Speaker 1: you moved from. But here's the news about LA and
Speaker 1: New York the worst cities for single women to date
Speaker 1: in America. And I'll tell you why. There's an oversupply
Speaker 1: of beautiful, successful women and dudes can sit back and
Speaker 1: wait for the women to call them. I'm not suggesting
Speaker 1: you should do that. I'm just suggesting it's a much
Speaker 1: harder mating marketplace. Now. I will tell you and all
Speaker 1: the women out there that chasing a man is not
Speaker 1: a good idea, but issuing an invitation is. And when
Speaker 1: you say I feel the energy, but the guy never
Speaker 1: makes a move, if you're feeling the energy, you better
Speaker 1: give the end energy back. That means sometimes the energy
Speaker 1: is simply that he stepped inside your personal space. You're
Speaker 1: at a restaurant, club, business, meeting or whatever. He's just
Speaker 1: a little closer than what be normal, and so at
Speaker 1: that point. You've got to do the hair flip and
Speaker 1: the smile and the eyeblink and the open body language.
Speaker 1: You've got to issue the invitation. So if you're being
Speaker 1: maybe you're being closed and not letting them know. On
Speaker 1: the other hand, if they're not making the move, it's
Speaker 1: because they have too many other women chasing them. Forget them.
Speaker 1: Just don't even worry about it. In other words, in
Speaker 1: Los Angeles, it's going to be an endurance test for you.
Speaker 1: You're going to be swiping and swiping and swiping and
Speaker 1: get disappointed and disappointed dis one. I was there, it happened,
Speaker 1: I got it, I got through it, and then there
Speaker 1: he was the man who became my husband. So it's
Speaker 1: a different marketplace. You got to understand that. All right,
Speaker 1: half time? Time for one more quickly, Dear doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: my husband and I haven't had sex in five months.
Speaker 1: We aren't fighting, he just won't have sex with me.
Speaker 1: I think he's cheating. What's the best way to address
Speaker 1: this communication? And first of all, sometimes when men cheat,
Speaker 1: they actually have more sex with their wives because their
Speaker 1: whole sexuality is highly activated. So that's not more likely.
Speaker 1: Something's going on with his health and a rectyle issues.
Speaker 1: Do you know at the age of forty, forty percent
Speaker 1: have a rectile dysfunction at fifty, as fifty percent of
Speaker 1: mails at sixty is sixty percent, et cetera. So you
Speaker 1: need to gently have a conversation about why, and you
Speaker 1: need to do it in a non confrontational way, more like, baby,
Speaker 1: I think you're hot. What was not happening lately? Oh no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm just not into it. Well, maybe what's going on?
Speaker 1: Because we need to solve this for our relationship. Worse
Speaker 1: comes to worse, go to therapy, see a sex therapist.
Speaker 1: When we come back. I'm going to continue to answer
Speaker 1: your social media questions. If you want to send them
Speaker 1: to me, just send me a DM at Dr Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram. You're listening to
Speaker 1: the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty
Speaker 1: Relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on
Speaker 1: KFI A M six forty from seven to nine p
Speaker 1: m on Sunday and any time on demand on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app.