1 00:00:01,159 --> 00:00:04,919 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, it's me Stephanie Wilder Taylor. This is Drunkish, 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:09,359 the podcast based as you know, as you may have 3 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:14,160 surmised on Drunkish, my memoir about quitting drinking. Listen, do 4 00:00:14,279 --> 00:00:19,199 me a favor. Rate this podcast six stars at the least, 5 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:23,199 and or review it. Just say something nice about it. 6 00:00:23,239 --> 00:00:26,640 Please helps people find it. Also, you can watch it 7 00:00:26,719 --> 00:00:30,600 on YouTube, which is why you know, a little makeup 8 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:34,920 on you our best. This week, my friend Rebecca Lubin 9 00:00:35,039 --> 00:00:37,640 is here to talk about the moment she knew she 10 00:00:37,719 --> 00:00:41,359 was completely done drinking, then the moment ten years later 11 00:00:41,399 --> 00:00:44,560 she thought she might start up again, and the moment 12 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:48,200 her sobriety really kicked into gear. I loved this interview. 13 00:00:48,240 --> 00:01:09,560 I think you will too. Let's welcome her and here 14 00:01:09,599 --> 00:01:12,719 we are with my friend Rebecca. Rebecca, as I say 15 00:01:12,799 --> 00:01:17,040 on the podcast, Rebecca, you've been She's little. You could 16 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,079 put her in your pocket, you could carry her around 17 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,879 with you. She's super fun and she's been sober for 18 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:23,959 ten years. 19 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 2: Got thirteen years? Oh shit, ten months? Thirteen years, ten months. 20 00:01:28,959 --> 00:01:31,640 I'll be fourteen September twenty. 21 00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:34,920 Speaker 1: Fourth, Okay, so you know, just a couple of years 22 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,840 behind me. I'm not trying to be a one upper, 23 00:01:36,879 --> 00:01:41,560 but like seventeen anyway, I love the long, long term 24 00:01:41,599 --> 00:01:47,040 sobriety girlies. I love the conversations we were talking before 25 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:51,560 I even hit record that like, oh, hold on a second, 26 00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:56,959 I'm having all the technical issues right now. That's okay, Okay, 27 00:01:57,079 --> 00:02:02,319 we're back. I was saying before we started that we 28 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,239 don't always have to go all the way back to 29 00:02:04,319 --> 00:02:07,239 like child unless there's something really specific that you want 30 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,520 to talk about, but like, let's just talk sobriety. Why 31 00:02:10,599 --> 00:02:12,400 are you sober? What happened? 32 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:17,960 Speaker 2: I am sober because as I moved through my life 33 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:24,439 from my why is childhood illness that left me infertile 34 00:02:24,479 --> 00:02:28,120 by age eight, I had my ovaries removed because of 35 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:32,080 very large tumors that they couldn't save the organs, and 36 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:35,159 I moved through adolescence with a huge chip on my shoulder. 37 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,360 You know, I had to go on hormone replacement therapy 38 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,759 by the time I had to wait, so I was 39 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,759 like sixteen and waiting to go through puberty. I just 40 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,400 messed with my head. It made me feel really insecure 41 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:50,879 and really unworthy and like I was like nobody else. 42 00:02:51,199 --> 00:02:56,240 And it's really funny because this is a little bit 43 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,560 of callback to your podcast that I listened to that 44 00:02:58,599 --> 00:03:01,800 I started listening to when You're son was seven. What 45 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:07,240 really resonated for me was when I was ten, eleven, 46 00:03:07,319 --> 00:03:10,319 twelve and I knew I couldn't go through a normal puberty. 47 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,360 I just wanted to be a girl named Rebecca. I 48 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,319 wanted to be a woman named Rebecca who I saw 49 00:03:15,439 --> 00:03:18,560 myself in my head and how I identified, and I 50 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:21,199 knew it was going to be a struggle, and it 51 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,080 was so heartbreaking, and I was allowed to take hormones 52 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,439 and become the person I knew I was. And when 53 00:03:28,479 --> 00:03:32,039 you started talking about your child, it just resonated so 54 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,159 hard with me that we all should be allowed to 55 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:38,599 have the same journey I had, that were completely allowed 56 00:03:38,599 --> 00:03:39,479 to be who we are. 57 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,879 Speaker 1: Because what you went through was basically gender affirming care. 58 00:03:43,759 --> 00:03:46,479 Speaker 2: It was one hundred percent because I mean I was 59 00:03:46,479 --> 00:03:52,199 born genetically female, I had my ovaries removed, I never 60 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:58,240 made estrogen. I was too young, so my pituitary gland 61 00:03:58,319 --> 00:04:01,759 took me only so far, and I ended up being 62 00:04:01,879 --> 00:04:04,479 like a twelve year old who was physically so behind 63 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,520 everybody else that I just walked through every day going 64 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,120 I'm different, I'm wrong, I'm not in my body the 65 00:04:11,159 --> 00:04:14,960 way I want to be. And it was so heartbreaking. 66 00:04:15,319 --> 00:04:19,439 And you know, my mom was such a saint through 67 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:23,079 all the endocrinologists visits and all the exams and really 68 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:27,079 kept me sane. But it wasn't enough because I didn't 69 00:04:27,079 --> 00:04:29,920 feel right. And by the time I got through to 70 00:04:29,959 --> 00:04:33,079 go through puberty, like everybody had already lost their virginity. 71 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:39,639 You know, I was so behind the curve. And around 72 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,120 the time that I got to start on estrogen was 73 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,480 the time I first smoked pot and both those things 74 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,800 in conjunction I've been writing about. It was like a 75 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:53,040 moment of Okay, I don't have to feel so bad. 76 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,920 I felt so bad for so long, and I'd like 77 00:04:56,959 --> 00:04:58,439 to go back to my younger self and say it 78 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,600 all worked out. Okay, you didn't have to spend all 79 00:05:00,639 --> 00:05:03,800 those years feeling so bad. But it was a lot. 80 00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:05,800 It was, you know, how can I date? I can't 81 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,160 ever have children? How could I get married? I can't 82 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,959 ever have children? And it just sat on me, you know, 83 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:14,800 it sat on my heart and I became a heavy 84 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:20,399 duty smoker, and that's how I moved through my adolescence. 85 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:24,480 My twenties, and I was very, very innocent looking. Nobody 86 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,759 knew that I was like a daily smoker. Nobody had 87 00:05:27,759 --> 00:05:34,040 any clue, and I luckily had very aggressively charismatic but 88 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,560 rebellious brothers on either side of me. I could just 89 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,720 fly under the radar and just quietly do what I 90 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,920 needed to do to feel better about myself, because I 91 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,759 never felt like in here I felt myself here. I didn't, 92 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:53,680 And it's why I've always been so I guess such 93 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,959 an ally of any child who's going through that, no 94 00:05:56,959 --> 00:05:59,959 matter what gender they were born, because I get it. 95 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:01,279 I know how it felt. 96 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:04,720 Speaker 1: So when you were sixteen, you said, and you started 97 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:10,519 doing hormones, Yeah was it? It wasn't something I mean, 98 00:06:11,319 --> 00:06:13,560 obviously I do know how this works. But so yeah, 99 00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:15,600 it's a continuous thing, like you always. 100 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,199 Speaker 2: I can never go off it. I have to stay 101 00:06:19,199 --> 00:06:22,240 on it for you know, cardiac disease is the number 102 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,079 one killer of women. Our bones get thin. It's made 103 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,439 me a bit of a health nut because I know 104 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,879 I know the things that I'm in danger of happening 105 00:06:31,879 --> 00:06:35,720 to my body, like my heart, my bones. You have 106 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,079 to stay on them for your sexual health. You know, 107 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:42,439 you don't want to wither up and die sexually or physically, 108 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,120 so I'll be on them for the rest of my life. 109 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:46,680 And I don't mind at all. I kind of feel 110 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,079 like I'm cheating menopause because I never went through it 111 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,600 and I never will. It happened when I was eight. 112 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:55,360 It's called surgical menopause. So by the time I was 113 00:06:55,399 --> 00:06:58,639 in my twenties, I was, you know, a daily pot smoker. 114 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:03,319 I was starting to drink more war because marijuana was 115 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:07,839 starting to make me like paranoid. And I was about 116 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:09,720 twenty seven, I'm like, well, this doesn't work as well 117 00:07:09,759 --> 00:07:11,759 as it did. And then I kind of discovered like 118 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,720 tequila and vodka, and I would do that more. And 119 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,439 the whole time I would think to myself, why am 120 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:24,160 I so profoundly unhappy all the time? I'm so unhappy 121 00:07:24,199 --> 00:07:27,639 all the time. I never feel well, I'm never happy. 122 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,560 I feel like I have a chip on my shoulder 123 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,199 all the time. And one of the things that started 124 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:38,759 happening around thirty, I started getting these like massive panic attacks, 125 00:07:39,639 --> 00:07:42,319 and like, I live in San Francisco and I nandied 126 00:07:42,439 --> 00:07:44,439 on the other side of the bridge. I live in Marian. 127 00:07:44,519 --> 00:07:46,439 I nannied in San Francisco. I couldn't drive over the 128 00:07:46,439 --> 00:07:50,560 bridge without total panic attacks, sweating, and so I started 129 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,240 going to therapy and the therapist said, what bothers you? 130 00:07:53,279 --> 00:07:57,199 And I said nothing. I had buried everything so far down. 131 00:07:57,279 --> 00:08:02,439 I had disassociated so much much from feeling so heartsick 132 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:06,759 about not being able to have kids. And it took 133 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,519 a couple of sessions to get to the infertility and 134 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,480 I said, oh, yeah, that does bother me. And we 135 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:17,480 worked really hard. And after I got sober, I did emdr, 136 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:23,160 I did all sorts of therapies. And it's now thirteen years, 137 00:08:23,199 --> 00:08:26,399 thirteen and a half years until sobriety that I realized 138 00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:30,399 the other day, I'm really happy. I'm like, I wake 139 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,200 up happy every day. I wake up happy. I moved 140 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,399 through my day happy, and I go to bed happy. 141 00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:39,879 And I know why you when you were when you 142 00:08:39,879 --> 00:08:44,240 were in therapy uncovering the infertility stuff, did she ever 143 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:48,519 ask you about your drinking or drugs? It literally never 144 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:48,879 came up. 145 00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:51,120 Speaker 1: The I just never talked. I would I went to 146 00:08:51,279 --> 00:08:53,559 lots of therapy and did not bother saying that I 147 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,879 drink too much. Ever, I didn't think I did. 148 00:08:57,799 --> 00:09:01,799 Speaker 2: I remember once doing like I love to bike, and 149 00:09:01,919 --> 00:09:04,480 I remember once, you know, I'm in my little town 150 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,840 of Mill Valley, I'm gonna take my I'm gonna take 151 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:09,759 a mountain bike ride. Did a great, big fat bong hit, 152 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:15,399 walk my bike downstairs and went, WHOA, I don't know 153 00:09:15,399 --> 00:09:19,759 if I can handle trees right now. And as I'm 154 00:09:19,879 --> 00:09:23,159 viking to the mountain to the path, I go, why 155 00:09:23,159 --> 00:09:25,399 do you drink so much? Like every once in a 156 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,960 while it would like creep in, like, dude, why do 157 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,000 you do that? What are you doing? And it just 158 00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:34,559 did not occur to me that it was such a 159 00:09:34,639 --> 00:09:41,120 problem until it was a problem. And it was when 160 00:09:41,159 --> 00:09:46,840 I was forty five and my darling friend Dolores had 161 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,960 told me she had invited me to hear her speak 162 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,840 at AA. She invited all of us to go hear 163 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:56,279 her speaking. And right before it was time to do that, 164 00:09:56,399 --> 00:10:01,120 I went home to throw my parents a fiftieth anniversary 165 00:10:01,159 --> 00:10:04,639 and I brought home you know, I like mature. I 166 00:10:04,639 --> 00:10:06,440 went to the liquor store first and I got I 167 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:09,120 was drinking only so Rock vodka then, because you know, 168 00:10:09,159 --> 00:10:12,039 it was fancy, and I would say it's made out 169 00:10:12,039 --> 00:10:15,960 of grapes. I'm allergic to weed. I can't do vodka. 170 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,840 I have to do it like it's like grapes. It's 171 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,360 like a white wine, you know, it's really fancy. It's 172 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,360 like thirty five dollars a bottle. I'm not an alcoholic, 173 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:26,559 so I would get a bottle like this big and 174 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,399 there'd be like this much love, you know. The next morning, 175 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,759 and my mom and I were talking. We were driving 176 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,200 the car, and she was really funny. I told her 177 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,000 I was doing this. She goes, make sure to mention 178 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,960 your sainted. So my mom and I are talking in 179 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:47,840 the car and she goes, Honey, I don't mean to 180 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:51,360 be a bother, but I saw how much blood you 181 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:55,080 went through last night, and I really feel you're drinking 182 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:59,919 too much for your height. And I was say Mom, 183 00:11:00,519 --> 00:11:03,519 I said, Mom, I'm going to be really honest with you. 184 00:11:04,759 --> 00:11:07,519 That's every night of the weekend. But I couldn't tell 185 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:11,120 her weekend starts on Thursday ends on Tuesday. And I said, 186 00:11:11,399 --> 00:11:15,159 that's just how I drink. And I said, but here's 187 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,240 the thing. My friend is speaking at AA last next week. 188 00:11:18,279 --> 00:11:19,600 She asked me to go, and I kind of feel 189 00:11:19,639 --> 00:11:21,879 like I'm going to stop when I hear her speak 190 00:11:21,919 --> 00:11:24,519 I've never been to a meeting before, and I went 191 00:11:24,519 --> 00:11:27,480 to this meeting and she got up and she said 192 00:11:27,799 --> 00:11:31,039 something that really stuck with me, that she got to 193 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:35,000 be her kid's sober mom. Now I didn't have children, 194 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,279 but I nannied the family i'm with now I've been 195 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:42,120 with for twenty four years. Wow, I raised so many kids, 196 00:11:42,519 --> 00:11:45,440 most of them I'm still best friends with right now. 197 00:11:46,879 --> 00:11:48,600 A bunch of them I had to go see before 198 00:11:48,879 --> 00:11:53,559 I left. They're in their thirties now, they're like my sisters. 199 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,200 I wanted to be their sober person. I wanted to 200 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,480 be the person who was available twenty four seven, three 201 00:12:00,559 --> 00:12:04,279 sixty five and I wasn't even available for myself. And 202 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,559 then I went to the meeting. I think it was 203 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:10,279 September twenty third, and I never drank again. September twenty 204 00:12:10,279 --> 00:12:13,559 fourth was my first day. And it was just seeing 205 00:12:13,879 --> 00:12:17,759 like that whole thing, the attraction. If you see what 206 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,759 I have and you want it, you can get that. 207 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:23,600 And it really meant a lot to me. And I 208 00:12:23,679 --> 00:12:26,320 went to Dolores. I said take me to meetings, and 209 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,440 for like a month, she took me to every single meeting, 210 00:12:30,279 --> 00:12:35,080 and it was really fragile and scary. In the beginning, 211 00:12:35,279 --> 00:12:38,639 it felt like I felt like being a sein enemy 212 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:44,120 and you could feel everything on your skin. And I 213 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,120 like broke up with the person I was dating because 214 00:12:46,159 --> 00:12:49,320 we drank a lot together. I needed, I need. I 215 00:12:49,399 --> 00:12:51,840 had to get sober on my own and it was 216 00:12:51,879 --> 00:12:55,559 the best thing I ever did. And slowly everything got better, 217 00:12:55,639 --> 00:12:58,600 and like six months in I started going to yoga. 218 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:01,279 I used to think, I want to be the type 219 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,279 of person who goes to yoga on Saturday, who's not 220 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:08,360 hungover on Saturday. And I became that person. And the 221 00:13:08,799 --> 00:13:13,320 one thing I didn't do, and I talked to all 222 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,600 my friends who want to get into recovery that it's 223 00:13:15,639 --> 00:13:17,639 not just quitting drinking. The one thing I didn't do 224 00:13:17,759 --> 00:13:21,840 is I slowly let go of meetings. Over the first 225 00:13:21,919 --> 00:13:25,399 ten years of my sobriety, slowly lego of meetings. I 226 00:13:25,519 --> 00:13:28,080 used to brag like, well, I go to therapy because 227 00:13:28,159 --> 00:13:30,039 I need to be the only one in the meeting, 228 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,240 or I go to yoga because it's more spiritual. But 229 00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:36,279 the truth of it is, it's kind of funny. 230 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:38,559 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's funny, but when you're saier or not, it's 231 00:13:38,639 --> 00:13:40,279 kind of funny to be like I go to therapy 232 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,080 because I need to be the only one in the meeting. 233 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,600 I need to share the whole time. 234 00:13:45,639 --> 00:13:49,080 Speaker 2: I needed to just be about me. This is the truth. Yeah, 235 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,399 And this is why I stopped going to meetings. It 236 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:56,200 was about ego. It wasn't about therapy. It wasn't about 237 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,440 not wanting to wanting all the attention on myself. It 238 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:03,679 was about those young men who were like twenty two 239 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:07,639 to twenty three, who'd come from court ordered rehab and 240 00:14:07,679 --> 00:14:10,559 they looked like they were they just had their ass 241 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:13,960 kid by life, and I would look at them and 242 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,080 I would go, well, that's not me. I'm not that, 243 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:22,399 and I've never been that. I'm different. That is why 244 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,720 I almost went out at ten years sober, because I 245 00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:30,279 could not admit to myself I am that, I am 246 00:14:30,399 --> 00:14:34,159 exactly that. We are all addicts. We are all the same, 247 00:14:34,639 --> 00:14:38,559 We are all alcoholics. There is no level of well 248 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,559 I only drink expensive vodka or I only you know. 249 00:14:41,679 --> 00:14:47,679 It's not about judging other alcoholics, and it was about 250 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:53,919 humbling myself and having that moment of we're all the same, 251 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,840 We're all exactly the same, and I need to check 252 00:14:56,879 --> 00:14:59,399 myself because I'm walking into these meetings with ego. 253 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 1: Let's be real here, a long time. 254 00:15:01,919 --> 00:15:05,120 Speaker 2: It took me a long time to recognize that I was. 255 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,600 Speaker 1: Going to say that piece. It took a long time. 256 00:15:07,759 --> 00:15:11,240 That was over ten years. It's not like it's not 257 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,240 like you didn't go to meetings for a month and 258 00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:16,120 then you had this epiphany. It's no. I think for 259 00:15:16,159 --> 00:15:20,440 a lot of people, there is something powerful though about 260 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,480 seeing people that are like yourself. Now, it can also 261 00:15:23,519 --> 00:15:25,919 be a trap because you can start going to like 262 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,639 only all women's meetings with people that really have their 263 00:15:28,639 --> 00:15:31,399 shit together, you know, and you can start fooling yourself 264 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:34,320 into like, oh, those are the people I'm really like that. 265 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,559 And what I what I like to do is humble 266 00:15:38,639 --> 00:15:41,480 myself in the way of going to a meeting that 267 00:15:41,639 --> 00:15:45,440 isn't of all like minded people, because I can tend 268 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,639 to lull myself into a false sense of like, I 269 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:52,360 wasn't that bad. And it really helps me to do 270 00:15:52,399 --> 00:15:54,879 this podcast and talk to all different kinds of people 271 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,600 and remember like all the shitty things I like, I 272 00:15:58,679 --> 00:16:01,240 wasn't so together I did. 273 00:16:01,399 --> 00:16:04,399 Speaker 2: I was not together at all. I didn't finish college. 274 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,679 I had seven credits. 275 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:10,720 Speaker 1: Left start college. I have every shitty thing you say 276 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,639 about yourself. I'm gonna try to one. I'm just kidding, God, 277 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:13,440 this will be fun. 278 00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:16,320 Speaker 2: I had seven credits left, and my parents said, you 279 00:16:16,399 --> 00:16:18,200 have to go to summer school. And I went to 280 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,240 Grateful Dead concerts and got really really stoned all summer long, 281 00:16:21,679 --> 00:16:24,440 and then moved to California. And then at fifty five, 282 00:16:24,639 --> 00:16:27,440 my boss said, I know you want to finish, do 283 00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:31,600 it now? And I got my BA last August. Wow, 284 00:16:33,039 --> 00:16:36,919 thirty three years and Everyone's like, what'd you do it for? 285 00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,840 And I'm like, I put a period at the end 286 00:16:38,919 --> 00:16:42,120 of the sentence, and like I didn't get a DUI, 287 00:16:42,679 --> 00:16:46,600 but I definitely drove, inebriated a lot. I didn't get fired, 288 00:16:47,399 --> 00:16:50,360 but I definitely slept through my alarm and came to 289 00:16:50,399 --> 00:16:56,240 work boku hungover a lot. You know, I didn't I 290 00:16:56,279 --> 00:16:59,840 didn't get divorced or marry the wrong person. But I 291 00:17:00,159 --> 00:17:03,679 cheated on like every single boyfriend I ever had, because 292 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,440 I would get drunk and we'd be out somewhere together 293 00:17:06,519 --> 00:17:08,759 and they'd walk up and be like, why are you 294 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:09,559 kissing that guy? 295 00:17:09,559 --> 00:17:12,559 Speaker 3: And I'd be like, oh, yes, Teddy's so great, this 296 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:16,119 is my boyfriend. So I did a lot of I 297 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,759 like to tell my friends, like you could suggest anything 298 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:23,119 like super fucked up, like should we do this, I'd 299 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:27,400 be like, I'll dry, let's do it. And I have 300 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,839 admitted I'm gonna. 301 00:17:29,599 --> 00:17:31,920 Speaker 2: Say ninety nine or maybe one hundred percent of it 302 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,640 to like my mom, and I was like, don't judge me, 303 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,480 but this is all the stuff I did. And she 304 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,680 just kind of non she goes glad you don't drink anymore. So, 305 00:17:40,839 --> 00:17:44,759 like there weren't a lot of consequences, but the consequences 306 00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:50,440 were coming. The concept the severe illness was coming. Like 307 00:17:52,039 --> 00:17:54,759 the pictures I have of me when I drank, Like 308 00:17:54,839 --> 00:17:57,079 my face is this big, my boobs are this big, 309 00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:59,720 and my body is this big. You know, It's like 310 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,880 I was all coming. I was going to lose jobs. 311 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,839 I was going to eventually get a dui because I 312 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:07,680 always drove drunk. You know, it wasn't that far from 313 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:11,319 my house to the nightclub downtown. I could make it 314 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:13,680 back there fine good roads. Yeah. 315 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:18,039 Speaker 1: So so these ten years or right, and you're you're 316 00:18:18,279 --> 00:18:20,720 at this point where you really don't go to meetings anymore. 317 00:18:20,799 --> 00:18:22,920 You're like, I'm not like these people. I'm not that 318 00:18:23,039 --> 00:18:27,119 bad and then what what made you? What was your Well? 319 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,960 Speaker 2: What happened was the pandemic hit in twenty twenty and 320 00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:34,519 I had really fallen off already. So I was. I 321 00:18:34,599 --> 00:18:38,000 hit eight years sober in September of twenty twenty. And 322 00:18:38,759 --> 00:18:41,279 there had been a period of about three to four 323 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:44,279 years where I would go to get my Thursday and 324 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,720 my chip at the Thursday night meeting in Mill Valley, 325 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,200 and I'd be like, can I have last year's too? 326 00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:52,480 Like I went once a year it was, and I 327 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,319 joked with people. I went in like like I was 328 00:18:55,319 --> 00:18:58,640 in a pageant, like thank you, thank you so much. Yes, 329 00:18:58,759 --> 00:19:01,920 I'm back, I'm back for my chip. I was like 330 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,279 it was like I was walking in a prom dress 331 00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:06,200 going thank you all for being here. I'm here to 332 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:10,000 pick up my chip. And uh, I had just really 333 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,960 fallen off. I didn't need meetings. I wasn't like them. 334 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:13,759 I didn't need them. 335 00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:15,960 Speaker 1: And then but you did want to kind of show 336 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,759 them how it's done. You wanted to give people a 337 00:19:17,759 --> 00:19:18,920 little taste of inspiration. 338 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:23,839 Speaker 2: Sober friend, everybody was like beca sober Oh my god, 339 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,000 she does yoga all the time. Like I was that annoying. 340 00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:30,160 Here's another handstand picture on Instagram and I just biked this, 341 00:19:30,319 --> 00:19:32,000 and I just bike that, and I have my shit 342 00:19:32,079 --> 00:19:35,920 together and I'm sober. Zero recovery. I had never gotten 343 00:19:36,039 --> 00:19:39,039 past step before. I had worked with a sponsor. And 344 00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:42,519 I always say, recovery and sponsorship in AA is like 345 00:19:42,559 --> 00:19:45,079 a vampire. You have to invite them in. And if 346 00:19:45,119 --> 00:19:47,240 you don't invite them in, they're not going to follow you. 347 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,519 You know, it's up to you to make it. So 348 00:19:49,599 --> 00:19:52,119 when I stopped calling my sponsor, she's like, well, you're 349 00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:55,960 not ready, call me when you're ready. So I had 350 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,640 really fall. I had done zero recovery work, and you know, 351 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,680 I would sitting in this room, in this cabinet, Maine, 352 00:20:02,839 --> 00:20:08,640 in this desk, really depressed in July of twenty twenty three, 353 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,920 and I just remember I picked up my box cutter 354 00:20:12,519 --> 00:20:16,480 for my recycling and I said, I am either going 355 00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:20,559 to shove this in my thigh or I'm going to 356 00:20:20,599 --> 00:20:23,480 get amebriated. And it wasn't even I'm going to get drunk. 357 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,559 It was like, I want to obliterate all emotion. I 358 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:30,440 cannot handle how lonely I am. You know, there were 359 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,119 some things that happened with family members that were very 360 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,960 upsetting to me that I couldn't really do very much 361 00:20:36,039 --> 00:20:39,480 about and hadn't been resolved, and I'm like, I'm a wreck. 362 00:20:40,079 --> 00:20:43,160 So what I did was I picked up my phone. 363 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:47,000 I called my childhood friend Pete, who we had dated 364 00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:49,720 in our twenties and he was my sober friend. And 365 00:20:49,759 --> 00:20:53,839 I said, Pete, I want a drink and he said, Babe, 366 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,200 when was your last meeting? And I said last September. 367 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,720 But I got my tenure chip and he's like, you 368 00:21:01,759 --> 00:21:03,000 have to go to a meeting. You have to go 369 00:21:03,079 --> 00:21:06,119 right now. And for I found a meeting in Bar Harbor. 370 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,599 I took the bus to Bar Harbor. I couldn't find 371 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,279 the door for the meeting. I was in the wrong 372 00:21:11,319 --> 00:21:14,160 door and Pete said, come home, hop on a zoom 373 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,279 meeting with me. He talked to me all the way home. 374 00:21:16,319 --> 00:21:19,559 I hopped on a zoom meeting and he sat on 375 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,519 zoom with me and he's like, this is what you 376 00:21:22,559 --> 00:21:26,279 have to do. You're not doing recovery. And then I 377 00:21:26,359 --> 00:21:29,160 figured out where to go for these meetings. Where to 378 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,200 go in Southwest Harbor, where to go in Bar Harbor, 379 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,359 And I became like a meeting halic. It was like 380 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:39,920 God got me right again, and I met a wonderful 381 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,160 man who I ended up dating for three years, who 382 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,279 talked to me about recovery and women's meeting and I 383 00:21:45,319 --> 00:21:48,759 got a sponsor and I finally did twelve Step, and 384 00:21:48,799 --> 00:21:54,240 it turned my whole life around, like cleaning up your 385 00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:56,480 side of the street and forgiving other people for their 386 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,079 side of the street. I had never really considered that before. 387 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:03,640 It changed how I dealt with every single person in 388 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:07,680 every aspect of my life, and it was amazing. And 389 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,960 when the guy I was dating gave me my eleven 390 00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:16,039 year chip in September, because they do a big ceremony 391 00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:18,559 and you give each other your chips, and he says 392 00:22:18,599 --> 00:22:23,599 a few words. He said, Rebecca, the reason you're finishing 393 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,880 twelve Step is because someday there's going to be a 394 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,480 young girl who needs your help and you're going to 395 00:22:28,519 --> 00:22:31,880 turn around and help back. And I didn't even know 396 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:37,119 it was a circular program. I was like, really, that's 397 00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:40,680 what we do, So it was all getting into real 398 00:22:40,799 --> 00:22:45,400 recovery was amazing. And I like to tell people who 399 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:49,200 are hesitant to go to meetings that wherever you go, 400 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,359 and I travel with my job, we go to Hawaii, 401 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,920 in the winter. We come here in the summer. No 402 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,839 matter where I go. I have a community in Oahu. 403 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,279 It's under a banion tree in the park. I know 404 00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:02,720 all those people by heart. They know me. When I 405 00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:04,839 ride up on my bike, they're like, you're back, and 406 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:08,519 I love them all dearly. I had a sponsor in 407 00:23:08,599 --> 00:23:12,680 Hawaii this winter. We wanted to do some specific step work. 408 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,880 I have a special person I work with here in 409 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,599 Bar Harbor and I started the first woman's meeting on 410 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:27,599 MDI here. It's been amazing. And the thing about twelve 411 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:33,440 Step is when the hard stuff happens, it gets you through. 412 00:23:34,039 --> 00:23:38,920 In three weeks ago, I got a text that he died, 413 00:23:39,559 --> 00:23:42,440 the one who got me back into recovery. He lost 414 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,440 his battle with addiction. And even though a bunch of 415 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,079 our friends have said how like specifically how, I'm like, 416 00:23:48,279 --> 00:23:51,559 it doesn't matter. He lost his battle with addiction. That's 417 00:23:51,599 --> 00:23:54,200 all we need to know. And I wrote on Facebook, 418 00:23:54,240 --> 00:24:00,039 I owe him a debt because he saved me and 419 00:24:00,599 --> 00:24:04,559 lit a fire under me, like I went to AA 420 00:24:04,599 --> 00:24:08,240 the first night I found out, and all I could 421 00:24:08,279 --> 00:24:11,079 think was I will do my damnedest to never go 422 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:14,480 out like that. That won't be me, and I'm going 423 00:24:14,559 --> 00:24:18,799 to take his light and his energy and I'm going 424 00:24:18,839 --> 00:24:20,960 to tell everyone I know that I am here to 425 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,559 help them and I am here to be available to them. 426 00:24:23,599 --> 00:24:25,640 And I did that in all my meetings, and I've 427 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,799 had two of my women friends come up to me 428 00:24:27,839 --> 00:24:31,480 and say, I like what you got going on? Can 429 00:24:31,519 --> 00:24:34,960 we work together? And we're doing it long distance. This summer, 430 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,400 we're doing two different workbooks. One we're doing the Woman's 431 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,079 Way Workbook and the other one we're doing the OA 432 00:24:40,119 --> 00:24:45,119 Workbook because I've been working on that too. So even 433 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:49,519 when all the shit goes sideways, AA and recovery is 434 00:24:49,559 --> 00:24:50,279 what saves me. 435 00:24:50,599 --> 00:24:54,559 Speaker 1: So for anybody that doesn't know, OHA is Overeaters Anonymous 436 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:58,839 over East, because we all have a lot of it 437 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:03,640 that usually people who have addiction have many different ways 438 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:04,319 to check out. 439 00:25:05,319 --> 00:25:09,680 Speaker 2: I had. I was telling my friends. I'm like, I 440 00:25:09,759 --> 00:25:14,640 planned eating like a sexual escapade. I planned when I 441 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,480 was going to have a snack, Like literally i'd be 442 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,759 finishing up work. I'd be like, Okay, I'm going to 443 00:25:20,839 --> 00:25:22,839 go back to my room and I'm going to get 444 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,119 the in cheese that I got because it's like it's 445 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:29,319 organic and it's beak and I'm gonna melt with a spoon, 446 00:25:30,599 --> 00:25:34,400 you know. And I would literally be like oh, and 447 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:38,279 then I had to like stop and be like, you're 448 00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:40,759 having a lot of feelings and you're eating them all. 449 00:25:40,839 --> 00:25:43,359 You're doing the exact same thing you did with alcohol, 450 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:46,039 and like full disclosure, because I talked to you about this. 451 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:48,359 I was just going to do a GLP. I was 452 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:50,880 going to do a gop one and I have such 453 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:54,480 bad anxiety, Like I joke that once I got my 454 00:25:54,599 --> 00:25:58,559 anti anxiety medicine, Like what did I take. I took 455 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:03,480 a xanax and I dropped it on the floor and 456 00:26:03,519 --> 00:26:05,720 it opened and it spilled on the floor. And I 457 00:26:05,759 --> 00:26:07,279 looked at it and I was like, well, I can 458 00:26:07,319 --> 00:26:10,799 never take that because it was on the floor. Like 459 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:14,160 I gave it to my brother. I was like, oh, 460 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,440 it's on the floor. You can't take it when it's 461 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:20,240 on the floor. So I actually like I got like 462 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,519 I got my GLP. I got the vial and I 463 00:26:22,599 --> 00:26:24,640 picked it out of the package and it was sticky. 464 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,960 I was like, ah, I can't take it. It's sticky. 465 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,279 And I was like, all right, you're too scared to 466 00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:34,039 take it. Fine, you have to find another way, and 467 00:26:34,079 --> 00:26:35,680 I reached out to my friend. I said, all right, 468 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:38,160 I want to start over step one twelve step with 469 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:42,400 food and I was able to so far lose thirteen pounds. 470 00:26:42,759 --> 00:26:43,359 Speaker 1: Wow. 471 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,599 Speaker 2: I had to pray a lot, like I literally had 472 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:51,079 to like walk in my room and from work and 473 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:54,200 drop to my knees and be like, please, don't let 474 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:57,640 me eat all my feelings right now, because I'm lonely 475 00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,759 and I'm a little sad and everyone I love is 476 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:02,599 three thousand miles away and the guy I'm dating is 477 00:27:02,599 --> 00:27:04,799 making me a little nuts and I'm feeling a lot 478 00:27:04,799 --> 00:27:08,519 of feelings. Thank you, Higher Power, thank you. And I 479 00:27:08,599 --> 00:27:13,960 had to really go back and do the entire twelve 480 00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:16,759 twelve step program that I did for alcohol for food, 481 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:21,440 and I felt like it shot me even further forward 482 00:27:21,559 --> 00:27:26,400 in recovery. And since I've shared about it at meetings now, 483 00:27:27,319 --> 00:27:30,400 one of my friends in the women's meetings like, will 484 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:34,240 you walk through the work book with me? And I'm like, yeah, absolutely, 485 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,759 I absolutely will because I'm still figuring it out. It's 486 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:42,680 not easy. I'm hungry twenty four to seven, and if 487 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:46,319 I'm stressed, I'm like when there's like there's a nap 488 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:48,400 for that I'm like, there's a hunger for that. If 489 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,279 I'm stressed, I'm hungry. If I'm sad and I'm hungry, 490 00:27:50,319 --> 00:27:54,160 if I'm sleepy, I'm hungry, and I to take it back. 491 00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:57,039 Speaker 1: Nothing wrong with the GLP one, just saying I. 492 00:27:57,039 --> 00:27:59,039 Speaker 2: Know, I'm just too scared to take it because I'm 493 00:27:59,039 --> 00:28:01,319 scared I'm gonna throw I'm just saying one of the 494 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:03,480 side effects, which I could, I don't. 495 00:28:03,559 --> 00:28:06,079 Speaker 1: I don't want anybody to feel any kind of shade 496 00:28:06,559 --> 00:28:10,359 towards GLP one medications because it's very useful. It's not 497 00:28:10,799 --> 00:28:14,119 a shortcut. It's actually can be very helpful to people 498 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,119 that have addiction. They're finding out it really sort of 499 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:21,720 does something where you just don't have quite that same 500 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:26,720 speaking from experience, absolutely don't get the same hit from you, 501 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:29,359 you know, because you don't it does. You don't really 502 00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:31,079 crave substances the same. 503 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,200 Speaker 2: You're eating and you're going, you're the best love. 504 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:38,559 Speaker 1: I have a hat you're not like, I love it oreos. 505 00:28:38,599 --> 00:28:41,279 I've never had any or gas. 506 00:28:42,039 --> 00:28:48,039 Speaker 2: Yeah, because eating can be a very satisfying, Yeah, very 507 00:28:48,079 --> 00:28:51,640 satisfying in a way that I'm trying to replace with 508 00:28:51,759 --> 00:28:57,640 like exercise. But I'm still not opposed to it. I'm 509 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:00,400 just terrified and bald. 510 00:29:00,559 --> 00:29:02,279 Speaker 1: Listen, I'm just saying for all the. 511 00:29:03,039 --> 00:29:05,640 Speaker 2: Friends out there world to get at anxiety of so 512 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:08,839 many things, like I literally have to talk to myself 513 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:13,880 all day and go, you don't worry about me. I'm 514 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:17,680 not allowed to think more than what I tell my 515 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,720 friend Christina, don't think more than one hour ahead. 516 00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:30,079 Speaker 1: I was thinking about xanax a lot, and because and 517 00:29:30,119 --> 00:29:32,759 I don't have the answer to this. This is not 518 00:29:32,839 --> 00:29:35,400 necessarily like a self help podcast, like let's work it 519 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,400 out together, But I was thinking about the fact that 520 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:41,920 I have so much anxiety, and I know for a 521 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,039 fact that it's not all It's not the same anxiety 522 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:48,079 from when I was young. I really think it's kind 523 00:29:48,079 --> 00:29:52,319 of hormone hormonally related. I think the drop in hormones 524 00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:56,400 makes me feel sometimes edgy, and then my brain because 525 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:59,200 I'm a shortcutter, I want the like, how can I 526 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:02,400 fix this without having to really like sit in it 527 00:30:02,519 --> 00:30:04,519 or figure it out, because sometimes I'm like, there's no 528 00:30:04,599 --> 00:30:06,680 reason that I'm having a freak out on the freeway 529 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:09,680 all of a sudden, just like oh my god, there's 530 00:30:09,839 --> 00:30:13,400 cars and they're just they're very big, and they're very fast, 531 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:15,839 and like they could crash, And then I will have 532 00:30:16,319 --> 00:30:19,920 the thought, how come they're not just all crashing all 533 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:23,799 the time, Like how come car? Like, yes, car accidents happen, 534 00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:25,559 and they happen every day, but how come it's not 535 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:28,119 just like, how come every car isn't crashing? Are we 536 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,039 all just dependent on the next person being a good driver? 537 00:30:31,559 --> 00:30:31,720 You know? 538 00:30:31,839 --> 00:30:33,680 Speaker 2: And like that I could mess it all up for 539 00:30:33,759 --> 00:30:36,079 me that guy right there, yeah. 540 00:30:35,799 --> 00:30:38,920 Speaker 1: Right, somebody could swerve in my lane at any point. Okay, 541 00:30:39,119 --> 00:30:41,599 So sometimes I feel like I'm always on high alert. 542 00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:45,000 And then I remember that back before I had this pesky, 543 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:49,400 you know, acknowledgment that I'm an addict, I could take 544 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:52,440 his annex and go like, ah, I feel like I'm 545 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:54,480 in a warm bath. All is right in the world. 546 00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:57,079 And then I was getting really upset that I don't 547 00:30:57,079 --> 00:31:00,319 get to have that feeling. But then I had to 548 00:31:00,359 --> 00:31:04,200 do the thing that we alcoholics do, which is the think, 549 00:31:04,559 --> 00:31:07,559 think through though whatever it is, and I was like, okay, 550 00:31:08,279 --> 00:31:10,960 I even took notes on my feelings about this. I 551 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:14,640 was like, Okay, yes, it's not fair that other people 552 00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:18,160 don't have to deal with anxiety, because not all anxiety 553 00:31:18,279 --> 00:31:21,240 is based on our field is based on some shit 554 00:31:21,279 --> 00:31:23,920 we're not working out that could be solved in twelve steps. 555 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:25,960 It's just not it's some of it is just in 556 00:31:26,079 --> 00:31:29,960 my body. Okay. Then I was like, okay, but here's 557 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:32,119 the thing. Yes, some people could take it a nice 558 00:31:32,119 --> 00:31:36,880 little blue pill and go oh I feel better and 559 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:40,240 I feel like I could handle life and I could 560 00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:44,799 still drive. It's I'm not really mind altered. I don't 561 00:31:44,839 --> 00:31:49,400 feel high from it. I just feel even some people 562 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:52,559 get to do that, and that's fine for them. Now me, 563 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,599 I would take a xanax. And I know this about 564 00:31:56,599 --> 00:31:59,559 myself so well so, but yet I could still be 565 00:31:59,559 --> 00:32:01,160 talked out of it. If somebody was to be like, 566 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:03,200 you can totally handle it, I might. I might go. 567 00:32:05,039 --> 00:32:08,160 But this is what I know about myself from years ago. 568 00:32:08,759 --> 00:32:12,519 If I had a xanax, I would be like, oh 569 00:32:12,559 --> 00:32:17,799 my gosh, that this works, that this is so nice, 570 00:32:18,599 --> 00:32:21,000 thank you God for having this nice option of a 571 00:32:21,519 --> 00:32:24,880 medication through science that I can feel a little better. 572 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:29,440 But then like the next day, I'd be like, gosh, 573 00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:32,079 it's so nice to just feel even keeled and not 574 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:32,799 have to worry about it. 575 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:40,079 Speaker 2: That would still work today. Yeah, well yesterday. 576 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,480 Speaker 1: And then it would and then I would start googling, Hey, 577 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:45,799 how long could you be on xen x? Like, could 578 00:32:45,839 --> 00:32:47,160 I just be on it the rest of my life? 579 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:48,920 Could I be on a low dose of xanax? And 580 00:32:49,039 --> 00:32:53,839 just like that's how I'll always feel, and Ai or Gemini, 581 00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:56,480 if it's Google might be like, you know what, totally, 582 00:32:56,559 --> 00:32:59,119 you could have just a small you could have zero 583 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:02,599 point two five I've milligrams of xanax every single day 584 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:04,519 for the rest of your life, and it's fine. But 585 00:33:04,799 --> 00:33:08,119 I would be like, that's great, but two point two 586 00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:10,039 five doesn't actually really work for me. 587 00:33:10,839 --> 00:33:15,279 Speaker 2: You know, I love I love my people in my close, 588 00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:19,680 close group who say things like this, well, I have 589 00:33:19,759 --> 00:33:22,400 to take five milligrams because I just have a really 590 00:33:22,519 --> 00:33:25,559 high tolerance. I'm like, because you're addicted to it. It's 591 00:33:25,599 --> 00:33:28,240 it's that's addiction. And they're like, just have a really 592 00:33:28,279 --> 00:33:30,680 high tolerance. I'm like, right, because it gets you high. 593 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:34,359 I just have a lot more. I'm like, right, addiction. 594 00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:37,839 Speaker 1: So then you have to acknowledge I have to go, Well, 595 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:40,839 the thing is that if point two five even just 596 00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:43,119 took the edge off, that's not quite what I'm looking for. 597 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:46,279 What I'm looking for is really taking no edge. I 598 00:33:46,319 --> 00:33:49,359 want no edge. I want it sanded down to a 599 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:55,039 just a smooth and that's just not achievable through just medication. 600 00:33:55,319 --> 00:33:57,839 Like that's just And so then I would have to 601 00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:02,440 be taking half a milligram at lead. Right then I'd 602 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,680 be like twice a day or whatever whatever it is. 603 00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:07,720 At some point I'd be addicted again and then rams up. 604 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:12,519 Speaker 2: I could do that literally in anything. I can say. 605 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,159 Speaker 1: Yeah, and so the people that are. 606 00:34:16,079 --> 00:34:18,360 Speaker 2: So good, I must walk to the story and get 607 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:20,000 more right now, so I could have it tonight and 608 00:34:20,039 --> 00:34:22,679 plan my rendezvous because that was really good yesterday, I 609 00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:24,559 should get three, so I have one for tonight, tomorrow 610 00:34:24,639 --> 00:34:28,239 night and the next night. Like I can literally buy 611 00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:31,559 food the way I scrolled away alcohol the way I 612 00:34:31,599 --> 00:34:34,880 scrolled away pod. It's like, better make sure I have it. 613 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:38,159 Can't run out. Cover's got to be full. It's very interesting. 614 00:34:38,519 --> 00:34:41,239 Speaker 1: So let me ask you this though, So when you 615 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:45,360 quit drinking, I see this conversation. This is a very 616 00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:49,039 trendy conversation. A lot of people think that they don't 617 00:34:49,199 --> 00:34:52,079 they don't drink anymore, but they still smoke pot or 618 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:53,480 do weed or whatever. 619 00:34:53,559 --> 00:34:59,280 Speaker 4: How you we could say to me, you already okay, 620 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:02,559 all enough same I mean obviously same for me. But 621 00:35:03,239 --> 00:35:05,039 what would you say to people like. 622 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:08,599 Speaker 1: Have you ever thought, well, but you kind of already 623 00:35:08,599 --> 00:35:10,920 did have a weed problem, so in your mind you 624 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:14,760 were probably like, I'm quitting getting high in general. 625 00:35:15,159 --> 00:35:19,079 Speaker 2: I quit smoking pot, first cigarette, second, alcohol and all 626 00:35:19,119 --> 00:35:23,320 other drugs. Third because you know, I went to a 627 00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:24,320 lot of concerts. 628 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:25,400 Speaker 1: I had some. 629 00:35:27,159 --> 00:35:32,679 Speaker 2: Flamboyant partners. There was some dabbling and other things. You know, 630 00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:35,719 nothing like that could kill you, but you know it 631 00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:39,880 could be really fun for an evening. And I'm a nothing, 632 00:35:40,159 --> 00:35:42,119 all nothing, And I have a lot of friends like 633 00:35:42,159 --> 00:35:45,320 I live in northern California. I have a lot of 634 00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:47,480 friends who smoke a lot of pot, a lot of 635 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:50,679 friends who like take mushrooms, take a little assid and 636 00:35:51,199 --> 00:35:55,440 they go, oh, you're clean and sober, and I'm like, 637 00:35:55,519 --> 00:35:58,639 I am. And here's the other thing, though, the flip 638 00:35:58,679 --> 00:36:02,400 side of that is I don't judge anybody who quits 639 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:06,400 drinking and has to smoke weed or whatever they need 640 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:10,280 to do for their recovery, because that's what works for them. 641 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:13,079 I know it won't work for me. And I know 642 00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:19,360 that unless I am having a full on panic attack. 643 00:36:20,199 --> 00:36:23,519 I will not take any sort of medication to deal 644 00:36:23,559 --> 00:36:25,199 with it. If I'm waking up in the middle of 645 00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:29,039 the night with anxiety, I will first get out of 646 00:36:29,079 --> 00:36:31,199 bed and try to trick myself out of it by 647 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:34,760 like folding laundry. If that doesn't work, I do like 648 00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:37,440 a downward dog and I do square breathing. If that 649 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:39,159 doesn't work, I get back into bed and I do 650 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,920 the only thing I won't do is eat. I used 651 00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:43,920 to have a snack. I won't do that anymore. Then 652 00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:48,280 I'll get back into bed and do other more square breathing, 653 00:36:48,639 --> 00:36:52,679 and if that doesn't work. I'm not sure if I'm 654 00:36:52,679 --> 00:36:55,280 allowed to say this on the podcast, but I do 655 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,519 have a vibrator in my drawer. 656 00:36:57,679 --> 00:36:59,639 Speaker 1: Why would you not be allowed to say that? 657 00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:02,800 Speaker 2: Well, you know my mom knows, and I told my mom. 658 00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:08,679 I was like, literally, boom, you're not thinking about anxiety anymore. 659 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,440 I go just about five minutes and you go right 660 00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:13,119 back to sleep. 661 00:37:13,239 --> 00:37:16,800 Speaker 1: That's a good tool, literally and figuratively. 662 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:19,719 Speaker 2: Literally, it's a good tool. And my guy in coologist 663 00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:22,360 thinks it's hilarious. I'm like, I have replaced any sort 664 00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:27,360 of bens now with the rabbit. It's like really, I'm 665 00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:30,519 like yeah, because you're all you're doing is breathing, and 666 00:37:30,559 --> 00:37:33,440 you're not paying attention to what was going on in 667 00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:36,400 your head. And you know, a lot of times I'm 668 00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:42,519 just lying solo somewhere else, and I find that these 669 00:37:42,559 --> 00:37:47,280 things work. Breathing works, yoga works, and the biggest thing 670 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:50,880 is to wake up the next morning and realize that 671 00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:54,320 you got through it works. I just facing the shit 672 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:57,039 head on works. And it's hard. I'm not going to 673 00:37:57,079 --> 00:38:01,760 say it's easy, it's really really hard, And especially like 674 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:05,119 the food stuff because when I became infertile as a kid, 675 00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:10,880 one of my earliest memories of being miserable an infertile 676 00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:13,440 and not feeling right in my body is coming home 677 00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:15,800 from seventh grade, being home before my mom got off 678 00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:18,800 of work and just standing in front of the fridge 679 00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:24,079 and just reaching and eating and like mindlessly reaching and 680 00:38:24,119 --> 00:38:28,239 eating like mayonnaison, bread, mustard, cheese, but until I felt 681 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:33,599 full and not bad anymore. And so eating started way 682 00:38:33,639 --> 00:38:37,320 before drinking started, you know, pop smoking and drinking started 683 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:40,480 when I was an older teenager. But it's just all 684 00:38:40,519 --> 00:38:43,639 the things we do to not feel what hurts. And 685 00:38:44,559 --> 00:38:47,119 I'm determined to feel what hurts at this point in 686 00:38:47,119 --> 00:38:50,199 my life and just kind of work through it and 687 00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:54,440 just be a little brave. 688 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:59,199 Speaker 1: I think that's just a really beautiful message. And I 689 00:38:59,239 --> 00:39:03,000 think that if we could all just have a little 690 00:39:03,039 --> 00:39:06,239 bit of grace for ourselves and for the fact that, 691 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,039 you know, for a lot of us, especially the food stuff, 692 00:39:09,119 --> 00:39:13,760 especially with women, the food stuff starts really early. It's 693 00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:16,400 a way to self soothe. I'm right there with you. 694 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:21,840 I have a visceral memory of wanting thirds on my 695 00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:25,360 mom's mac and cheese for dinner, and feeling this sense 696 00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:28,079 of shame of like, oh, I'm going back for thirds, 697 00:39:28,559 --> 00:39:31,039 you know what I and a little bit of that 698 00:39:31,119 --> 00:39:33,920 leaves some for the rest of us, and just knowing 699 00:39:34,159 --> 00:39:37,239 somewhere in myself that, oh, I was being kind of 700 00:39:37,239 --> 00:39:40,280 a pig or I was I can't quite stop eating. 701 00:39:41,119 --> 00:39:42,920 There's never enough for me, you know what I mean? 702 00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:48,719 And then that feeling, it's this profound sad feeling of 703 00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:52,159 knowing when my mom bought ice cream that I was 704 00:39:52,199 --> 00:39:54,760 going to be fighting with myself the whole time of 705 00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:57,880 like wanting more of it and sneaking and getting more 706 00:39:57,920 --> 00:40:00,760 ice cream, and then knowing the reaper esis would be 707 00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:03,559 that somebody would say, who ate all the ice cream? 708 00:40:03,599 --> 00:40:08,239 And there's so much shame involved in overeating, you know. 709 00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:13,280 Speaker 2: There's there's so much it's crazy and like the funniest 710 00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:18,599 thing about my childhood and like not growing. You know, 711 00:40:18,639 --> 00:40:21,320 we joke that I we had to wait for me 712 00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:23,960 to reach this incredible height of five foot one. I'm 713 00:40:24,039 --> 00:40:26,599 the tiniest person in the family. I never got bigger 714 00:40:26,599 --> 00:40:29,639 than my parents. And I know it's because, you know, 715 00:40:29,679 --> 00:40:32,559 we we had to do a medically induced puberty. But 716 00:40:32,719 --> 00:40:37,760 like my brothers ate like a lot. I didn't even 717 00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:40,159 eat as much as them, but they were so skinny. 718 00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:43,320 They were like huge metabolism, so skinny. I had a 719 00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:46,440 slow metabolism. I wasn't growing. I was the chevvy one, 720 00:40:47,159 --> 00:40:51,880 and I always felt bad about it. And it's so 721 00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:55,519 funny because I say to my friends when we discuss recovery, 722 00:40:55,599 --> 00:40:59,119 I always encourage them, go back and thank your younger 723 00:40:59,159 --> 00:41:02,639 self for trying to do. Go back and say thank you. 724 00:41:03,559 --> 00:41:06,800 I understand what you were trying to do. I've got 725 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:10,280 it from here, but thank you, thank you for trying. 726 00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,599 I appreciate you. And I say that to my younger 727 00:41:13,639 --> 00:41:16,639 self all the time. Like I understand you were just 728 00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:20,199 trying to cope with the skills you had, and we 729 00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:24,079 grew up. We figured it out eventually, and I hope 730 00:41:24,079 --> 00:41:26,159 someday i'm eighty looking back at the me I am 731 00:41:26,159 --> 00:41:29,760 now going thanks, thanks for trying, you. 732 00:41:29,679 --> 00:41:36,360 Speaker 4: Know I I. 733 00:41:33,679 --> 00:41:36,360 Speaker 2: I think we kick ourselves too much and feel too 734 00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:41,159 much shame at our younger selves who didn't understand how 735 00:41:41,159 --> 00:41:44,119 to deal with everything we were holding, and we all 736 00:41:44,119 --> 00:41:44,880 hold a lot. 737 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,519 Speaker 1: And even our older selves. I could say the same 738 00:41:47,599 --> 00:41:50,760 thing for you know, the stress and anxiety I had 739 00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:55,320 after having a baby. I didn't have the tools. All 740 00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:58,960 I knew was having a drink took the edge off. 741 00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:02,280 I didn't quite know. I didn't know what to expect. 742 00:42:03,519 --> 00:42:06,440 And then I have this baby. I'm filled with all 743 00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:12,119 of this anxiety and grief in some ways, and love 744 00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:17,400 and protectiveness and insecurity and all of these feelings. And 745 00:42:18,880 --> 00:42:21,239 I wanted to make those feelings go away. I wanted 746 00:42:21,239 --> 00:42:23,840 to get a hold on it. I wanted to feel 747 00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:26,079 a little bit more in control, and so I did 748 00:42:26,119 --> 00:42:28,480 the best I could with the tools I had, and. 749 00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:30,880 Speaker 2: It didn't. 750 00:42:31,079 --> 00:42:34,519 Speaker 1: It's not a good thing for me because I do 751 00:42:34,639 --> 00:42:38,880 have an addictive personality. But like many who came before us, 752 00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:43,360 I could just give grace to the you know, thirty 753 00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:49,480 seven year old that also was scared and didn't have 754 00:42:49,599 --> 00:42:52,840 tools and didn't have support, and you know, and go, Okay, 755 00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:56,239 I did the best I could, and then I got sober. 756 00:42:56,679 --> 00:42:58,599 Then I had to figure Then I learned another way. 757 00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:03,159 Speaker 2: Yeah. I always think, honestly, Stephanie, if I hadn't become infertile, 758 00:43:03,159 --> 00:43:07,199 I would have been a terrible parent. I feel like 759 00:43:07,559 --> 00:43:10,000 there's a sliding doors version of me who's like on 760 00:43:10,079 --> 00:43:16,559 top of the house with a rifle going, who's miserable 761 00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:20,079 and like her children resent her because I'm moody and 762 00:43:20,079 --> 00:43:23,440 they're like, god, you're awful. But it's funny because I'm 763 00:43:23,480 --> 00:43:29,199 like the ultimate nanny auntie. Oh my gosh. One of 764 00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:32,639 my nanny kids is calling me nana now to her child. 765 00:43:32,719 --> 00:43:35,039 She's like, you're like my mom, so you're his grandmother. 766 00:43:35,079 --> 00:43:38,480 I'm gonna call you nana and I'm like, oh, and 767 00:43:39,079 --> 00:43:41,639 like my ex when I met all his grandchildren, they 768 00:43:41,639 --> 00:43:42,760 called me super aunty. 769 00:43:43,639 --> 00:43:43,840 Speaker 1: You know. 770 00:43:43,920 --> 00:43:47,360 Speaker 2: It's just like we're on second generations of some of 771 00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:50,679 these kids, and they their parents tell me, God, if 772 00:43:50,679 --> 00:43:53,000 you weren't around. How would we have done this? So 773 00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:57,199 I really feel like roll of Auntie instead of Mommy. 774 00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:00,760 This life around has just been absolutely I had. 775 00:44:00,679 --> 00:44:03,519 Speaker 1: Other shit yay, So it all came full circle. 776 00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:05,960 Speaker 2: It all came full circle worked out. 777 00:44:06,239 --> 00:44:08,800 Speaker 1: I'm so happy that you came on today. What a 778 00:44:08,920 --> 00:44:11,800 what a great what a treat? Do you want to say? 779 00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:14,280 Speaker 2: What my response was when you texted me? What what? 780 00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:17,440 My my textbacks when you went to that, I said, 781 00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:20,920 Oh my fucking god, you bait your fucking ass. I 782 00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:25,639 want to do this. It's like on my mountain bike 783 00:44:25,679 --> 00:44:28,480 in the Southwest, food bart putting like like my food 784 00:44:28,519 --> 00:44:31,039 and my little saddle bags. I'm like, I just got 785 00:44:31,039 --> 00:44:33,039 to go home and take a shower and look presentable 786 00:44:33,079 --> 00:44:34,320 because it's been a day. 787 00:44:34,519 --> 00:44:38,239 Speaker 1: Well, you look amazing and you are so funny and 788 00:44:38,360 --> 00:44:40,800 what a great message. I want to listen. I'm going 789 00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:42,480 to go back and listen to this episode again. I 790 00:44:42,519 --> 00:44:45,960 feel like I almost cried a good one. 791 00:44:47,119 --> 00:44:49,960 Speaker 2: I'm rewriting the short story I read to you, and 792 00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:53,280 I'm gonna have another edit soon. There's one line that 793 00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:54,920 I'm not sure if I could put in, but it's 794 00:44:54,920 --> 00:45:00,159 pretty dirty with her lawyer going exhibit A have you 795 00:45:00,159 --> 00:45:01,119 seen a picture of his kick. 796 00:45:03,079 --> 00:45:04,159 Speaker 1: So where do you do? 797 00:45:04,199 --> 00:45:06,360 Speaker 2: Everybody take Stephanie's writing class? 798 00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:08,480 Speaker 1: Thank you, thanks for the shout out. Do you do 799 00:45:08,519 --> 00:45:11,400 you need some Instagram followers? Where can people find you 800 00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:13,960 if they want to reach out to you? 801 00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:19,159 Speaker 2: And Nelson Lubin on Instagram, Rebecca Nelson Lubin on Facebook, 802 00:45:19,360 --> 00:45:25,760 Rebecca Nelson Lubin on TikTok. Yeah. I make a lot 803 00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:29,039 of videos of here's where I bike today, and this 804 00:45:29,079 --> 00:45:31,679 is a picture of a tree. Oh, here's a tree 805 00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:35,360 from the foliage. Here. I just bike north Shoolah. Who 806 00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:37,800 Here's some waves and then I do them to classic 807 00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:40,840 rock songs and you know, people look at them and 808 00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:42,920 I'm like, oh wow, people look at them. Well, I 809 00:45:43,920 --> 00:45:46,199 have a blog where I put writing up and it's 810 00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:50,639 Rebecca Nelson Lubin at WordPress dot com. Oh my gosh, 811 00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:55,719 I got an update. Yeah. I working on a memoir 812 00:45:55,840 --> 00:46:00,519 of becoming infertile, becoming an alcoholic, becoming sober and a 813 00:46:00,559 --> 00:46:03,239 different story too. I got to take a year of 814 00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:07,079 writing at San Francisco State finishing my BA and I 815 00:46:07,119 --> 00:46:10,519 got like all and reinspired. M I bas in creative writing. 816 00:46:10,719 --> 00:46:15,239 Speaker 1: Oh that's fantastic. All right, Well, Thank you Rebecca Nelson 817 00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:19,480 Lubin so much, and I will see everybody next week. Bye. 818 00:46:20,159 --> 00:46:21,000 Speaker 2: Listen to you Tuesday. 819 00:46:21,079 --> 00:46:36,079 Speaker 1: Bye, lived my dar