1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,000 Speaker 1: The ground out past the willow pulsed. I remember how 2 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,480 the moss peeled back to show what looked to be 3 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:13,679 a gray, pink veiny pit, which was slick like raw flesh. 4 00:00:14,199 --> 00:00:17,559 I was just a boy, maybe seven, chasing a rabbit 5 00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:21,640 through the wet grass. It wasn't mine, or at least 6 00:00:21,679 --> 00:00:25,760 I don't remember having one. The rabbit ran ahead, and 7 00:00:25,839 --> 00:00:28,559 before I could call it back, it slipped on the 8 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:32,439 moss and tumbled forward. There was a wet, tearing sound, 9 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:37,679 and it disappeared down into the pulsing pit. I remember 10 00:00:37,719 --> 00:00:39,920 the way the moss fell back over the hole like 11 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,439 closing lips, and I ran back to the house screaming. 12 00:00:45,039 --> 00:00:47,359 For years, i'd wake up in the middle of the night, 13 00:00:47,799 --> 00:00:52,079 sweating through my sheets, that same nightmare, keeping me from 14 00:00:52,079 --> 00:00:59,359 a good night's sleep. When I called Ruth, I was 15 00:00:59,399 --> 00:01:02,240 sitting in the server room watching the reflection of the 16 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:06,079 fluorescent lights pulls in my coffee. I let the phone 17 00:01:06,159 --> 00:01:09,719 buzz out on the desk. She was my nearest neighbor 18 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:12,879 growing up. She lived half a mile down the track 19 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:17,359 and always brought casseroles over when Mom passed. I remember 20 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,319 that she kept an eyeing me when Dad got too rough. 21 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:25,439 I'd been ignoring calls from home for years. I'd blocked 22 00:01:25,439 --> 00:01:28,599 my dad after I'd answered to him yelling about leaving 23 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,280 him with a broken tractor and no one to fix it. 24 00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:36,239 I'd been dodging her calls lately, too. Credit card bills 25 00:01:36,239 --> 00:01:38,959 were doubling before I could pay them back. My rent 26 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,640 kept jumping each year, and I didn't have it in 27 00:01:41,719 --> 00:01:45,319 me to lie and say I was fine. I didn't 28 00:01:45,359 --> 00:01:49,640 want to hear the worry in her voice. I never 29 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:54,079 missed the farm each day before school. Dad used to 30 00:01:54,079 --> 00:01:57,319 wake me up before dawn to hauld feed sacks almost 31 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,799 bigger than me. He called me useless and slapped me 32 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,120 hard across the back of my head when I dropped 33 00:02:03,159 --> 00:02:07,239 one or spilled grain across the barn floor. I hated 34 00:02:07,319 --> 00:02:10,319 smelling like a farm. At school, the other kids would 35 00:02:10,319 --> 00:02:13,919 wrinkle their noses and call me pig boy. They'd shoved 36 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,719 me in the halls, too, and when I told Dad, 37 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,240 he said maybe if I wasn't so soft like Mum, 38 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,960 they wouldn't. I remember once I asked him why he 39 00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:28,199 never came to my school assemblies, and he just looked 40 00:02:28,199 --> 00:02:34,439 at me and said what for, before walking away. Another time, 41 00:02:34,599 --> 00:02:37,000 when I was about twelve, I spilled a bucket of 42 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,759 pig slop on the feed room floor, and he dragged 43 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,439 me outside of the collar, slammed me up against the 44 00:02:42,439 --> 00:02:45,840 grain silas so hard I saw stars, and left me 45 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:48,719 there in the frost till Ruth spotted me during one 46 00:02:48,719 --> 00:02:53,599 of the walks. I spent years saving at what little 47 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:57,199 I could from doing odd jobs around the village. I'd 48 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,400 help old mister Keane split wood and mock out Ruth's 49 00:03:00,479 --> 00:03:03,639 chicken sheds for a fiver here and there, but I 50 00:03:03,719 --> 00:03:07,360 never managed to save up enough money. As soon as 51 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,039 I was old enough, I took out a credit card, 52 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,039 packed my clothes in a bin bag, and caught the 53 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:16,639 first coach to the city. I caught myself a job 54 00:03:16,719 --> 00:03:20,800 stocking shelves at a supermarket. I never touched the computer 55 00:03:20,879 --> 00:03:24,120 back home, but at the supermarket they put me in 56 00:03:24,159 --> 00:03:26,599 their tills for a while, and I picked up how 57 00:03:26,599 --> 00:03:29,599 to fix the barcode scanner when it jammed, or reset 58 00:03:29,599 --> 00:03:33,639 the till when they crashed. One of the supervisors noticed 59 00:03:33,639 --> 00:03:35,840 I was quick with it and showed me how to 60 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:40,199 do basic trouble shooting on the back office computer. I 61 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:43,759 realized I was good at it for the first time, 62 00:03:44,039 --> 00:03:47,840 I felt like maybe I wasn't useless after all, like 63 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:52,800 maybe Dad was wrong about me. Ruth left a voicemail. 64 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:57,120 Her voice was soft but tight, like she'd been crying. 65 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:02,400 She said, my dad was sick, worse than before, and 66 00:04:02,479 --> 00:04:04,800 he couldn't keep up with the live stock or the 67 00:04:04,879 --> 00:04:09,400 fencing repairs. She didn't ask me to come home, but 68 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,840 she said he needed help and there wasn't anyone who 69 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:17,079 liked him enough to do it. I sat there listening 70 00:04:17,079 --> 00:04:20,480 to it play out, feeling that old fear crawl up 71 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:25,600 in my chest. I was a grown man now, twice 72 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,399 as strong as i'd been back then, but part of 73 00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:33,199 me still felt small just hearing his name. I remembered 74 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,800 one morning when I was eight or nine, crying in 75 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:39,360 the kitchen because Dad had called me useless again. Mom 76 00:04:39,439 --> 00:04:42,279 crouched down in front of me, her hands still smelling 77 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:47,800 of dish soap, and she said, your dad's a hard worker, Love, 78 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:52,279 it's tiring him out. Sometimes we help people even when 79 00:04:52,319 --> 00:04:56,399 they don't deserve it. That's what makes you better than them. 80 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,279 It didn't make sense to me when I was younger, 81 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:04,000 but even though I understood it in my adulthood. It 82 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:09,120 didn't mean I believed it. Mom's death left a gap 83 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,639 in the house I was never allowed to speak about. 84 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,920 The last memory I have of her was that morning 85 00:05:15,759 --> 00:05:18,519 her hair was tied back with a red ribbon and 86 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,839 she handed me toast. As I pulled my boots on 87 00:05:20,959 --> 00:05:24,319 for school, she kissed the top of my head and 88 00:05:24,439 --> 00:05:27,519 told me to listen to the teachers and come straight home. 89 00:05:29,519 --> 00:05:33,040 When I got back, Dad said she fell from the hayloft, 90 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:36,079 all checking for owl nests and broken neck on the 91 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:40,399 old feed bin. He didn't wait for me and buried 92 00:05:40,439 --> 00:05:42,800 her himself on the opposite side of the land from 93 00:05:42,839 --> 00:05:47,120 the barns, near the poplar grove. He put up a 94 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:51,040 small wooden cross with the name burned into it. I 95 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,959 used to guard there after school, sit with my back 96 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,079 against the tree trunk and tell her about my day. 97 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:03,120 Thinking about going back made my stomach twist. The resentment 98 00:06:03,199 --> 00:06:07,040 was there, thick as ever, thinking of all those beatings. 99 00:06:07,399 --> 00:06:10,920 How he only ever got meaner after Mom died. But 100 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:16,040 Guild pressed into if I didn't go, who else would 101 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:21,560 help him? Ruth was right, There wasn't anyone else who 102 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:27,639 he hadn't burned bridges with I took my old hatchback. 103 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,759 I bought a Facebook marketplace for cheap and packed it 104 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,360 with my belongings and a flask of instant coffee for 105 00:06:33,439 --> 00:06:38,000 the drive. As I got closer to home, the road narrowed, 106 00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:42,879 hedgerows overgrown and clawing at the paintwork. The village sign 107 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:47,000 was rusted through at the bottom, leaning sideways into thistle clumps. 108 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:50,839 My pass shuttered shop fronts with blinds yellowed from the 109 00:06:50,879 --> 00:06:54,839 inside out. The grain silo streaked red brown with rust. 110 00:06:55,439 --> 00:06:58,240 The old farmhouse at the junction boarded up with a 111 00:06:58,319 --> 00:07:01,759 warped ply that flapped in the wind, and it all 112 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:05,399 felt smaller than I remembered. The drive had been long, 113 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,759 My back was sore from the sagging seat, and I 114 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,720 spent half the time thinking about how I'd pay off 115 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,720 the credit cards now I didn't have an income. I 116 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,199 kept wondering what the place would look like now I 117 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:22,800 was grown, if the barns would seem small too. Part 118 00:07:22,839 --> 00:07:25,560 of me hoped Dad kept mums or boxes in the attic, 119 00:07:26,319 --> 00:07:30,040 even just a box or a Sunday clothes, something left 120 00:07:30,079 --> 00:07:33,959 that still smelled like a soap and wood smoke. My 121 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,600 chest felt tight thinking about stepping back into that kitchen 122 00:07:38,639 --> 00:07:43,720 and seeing him there. When I pulled up, Dad was 123 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,560 out by the porch, sitting on the old paint flake 124 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:51,000 chair with his flask tucked tight in both hands. He 125 00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:53,480 frowned when he saw me step out of the hatchback 126 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:58,639 lined deep around his mouth. What are you doing here, 127 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:02,639 he shouted, squinting at me like he wasn't sure I 128 00:08:02,759 --> 00:08:07,120 was real. His voice was thinner than I remembered, rough 129 00:08:07,279 --> 00:08:10,959 like gravel. He set the flask down on the poor trail, 130 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:15,000 his hand shaking a little as he did. I told 131 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:19,079 him Ruth called me, and he snorted, spat into the dirt, 132 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:22,120 said he didn't need any charity from city boys with 133 00:08:22,279 --> 00:08:27,639 soft hands. His eyes flickered over me, my jeans, my trainers, 134 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,920 the creases, and my shirt from the drive, and he 135 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:35,080 curled his lip like it all offended him. I couldn't 136 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:38,279 help noticing how his shoulders had shrunk into his frame, 137 00:08:38,879 --> 00:08:42,200 how gray his skin looked under the old cap. There 138 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,600 were sun spots across his cheeks and the ridge of 139 00:08:44,639 --> 00:08:48,519 his nose, and a smear of dried blood under one nostril, 140 00:08:48,879 --> 00:08:52,080 like he'd been wiping at it. I thought about how 141 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,440 this was the man he used to lift me one 142 00:08:54,519 --> 00:08:58,360 handed off the ground when he was angry. Now he 143 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:02,639 looked like a strong wind could knock sideways. He wiped 144 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:05,399 his mouth with the back of his hand, eyes flicking 145 00:09:05,399 --> 00:09:12,000 away from mine. Well, he muttered, voice quieter, don't just 146 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:17,519 stand there gaping. Your bags won't carry themselves in. He 147 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:21,039 pushed himself up to a stand, hobbled down the porch steps, 148 00:09:21,279 --> 00:09:23,120 and reached for the boot to grab one of my 149 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:27,600 Duffel bags. His fingers trembled in the strap and he 150 00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:31,600 nearly lost balance, catching himself against the car with a grunt. 151 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:38,200 For a moment, I felt sorry for him, seeing how 152 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,480 old and thin he gone. With the memory of him 153 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:44,519 dragging me across the yard by the collar flared up sharp, 154 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:49,320 burning the pity right out of me. I cleared my throat. 155 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,240 You're right there, I asked, trying to keep my voice flat. 156 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:59,039 He grunted and didn't look at me, still bracing himself 157 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:03,320 against the door. Don't fuss, grab your crap and get 158 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:07,720 inside before the flies do the way His voice shook 159 00:10:07,799 --> 00:10:10,840 under the words made something twist low in my gut, 160 00:10:11,919 --> 00:10:15,159 but I didn't say anything else. As I reached for 161 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:20,639 the rest of my bags. In the days that followed, 162 00:10:21,039 --> 00:10:25,080 mornings came slow, the cold seeping through the thin windows. 163 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,399 Each day blended into the next, and it was over 164 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,320 the course of a week that these small changes built 165 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:36,240 between us. The first morning I caught him in the kitchen, 166 00:10:36,639 --> 00:10:40,679 hunched over his mug, fighting with his shirt buttons, knuckles 167 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:45,159 swollen and spotted with age. I reached over without saying 168 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:49,799 anything and fastened the last button for him. He grunted 169 00:10:49,799 --> 00:10:54,360 like it annoyed him, but he didn't pull away. He 170 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:59,840 muttered city boys got soft hands, but clever fingers, and 171 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:04,799 it almost sounded like affection. By the fourth and fifth day, 172 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,039 we spent mornings along the rye Field fence. He showed 173 00:11:09,039 --> 00:11:11,440 me how to wage the crowbar under the rotted post 174 00:11:11,519 --> 00:11:16,000 without splitting it, his wrinkled hands guiding mine, and for 175 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:20,399 a moment I felt like a kid again, looking up 176 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:25,559 to him before everything went bad, I found myself wondering 177 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,519 why he had been so cool back then. Was it 178 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,639 the stress of losing mom, the endless debt and failing crops, 179 00:11:33,279 --> 00:11:36,279 or was that just who he was? And now age 180 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:41,639 made him softer. When the tract ringed him backfired, he 181 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,480 flinched so hard he dropped the spanner, and then he 182 00:11:44,559 --> 00:11:48,399 barked out a warm laugh. It was the first time 183 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,000 I'd heard that sound from him since I was very young. 184 00:11:52,159 --> 00:11:55,960 I laughed too, and for a second I saw him 185 00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:00,000 the way I'd wanted to as a boy, just my dad, 186 00:12:00,639 --> 00:12:02,919 not the man who bruised my ribs when I spilled 187 00:12:02,919 --> 00:12:08,600 pig feed. That evening, as the day settled in, he 188 00:12:08,639 --> 00:12:11,080 walked down the line of the new posts. I tamped in, 189 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:18,000 testing each one with his boot. Good job, he said, quiet, 190 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:23,919 almost embarrassed. Didn't think you'd get them line proper. His 191 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:28,200 words settled into my chest, heavy and warm, something close 192 00:12:28,279 --> 00:12:31,919 to pride curling low in my gut. As the sun 193 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,399 bled down past the barn roof, he stared out towards 194 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:40,039 the hollow, squinting at the shadows pooling at its edge. 195 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:44,600 You're stronger than I thought. His voice cracked a little. 196 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:50,960 The next week rolled on the same, each day aching 197 00:12:51,039 --> 00:12:54,240 more than the last. I learned how to split fence 198 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,759 rails without wasting half the splinters, had to bull a 199 00:12:57,799 --> 00:13:01,639 stubborn car from a cramped pen without and kicked. My 200 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,720 hands blistered in the first two days, and by day 201 00:13:04,759 --> 00:13:09,840 three the skin peeled off in strips. Every morning I 202 00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:14,279 woke with my back stiff and my arms throbbing, but 203 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:19,159 I kept going, feeling something heavy and guilty settle in 204 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:22,960 my chest. I thought about how Dad must have been 205 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,440 doing all this alone for years after I left, and 206 00:13:26,519 --> 00:13:30,480 it made my stomach groan with shame. The work was 207 00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:33,799 harder than I ever imagined, and each time I caught 208 00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:38,720 him watching me, his eyes clouded but proud, it made 209 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:42,799 me want to do more. I started picking up extra 210 00:13:42,879 --> 00:13:46,519 chores without him asking, fixing a jammed water pump and 211 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:50,240 oiling the barn hinges before they squealed themselves off the nails. 212 00:13:51,559 --> 00:13:54,200 Each chaw made my back ache and my palms raw, 213 00:13:54,919 --> 00:13:57,639 but also gave me a sense of purpose I hadn't 214 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:01,879 felt in years. I found myself wanting to prove to 215 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:07,159 him I wasn't useless. Some mornings, as we ate breakfast 216 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,480 in silence, I'd catch him glancing at me from under 217 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:13,559 his brow, and I thought maybe he was starting to 218 00:14:13,639 --> 00:14:16,120 see me as more than a boy who ran away. 219 00:14:17,279 --> 00:14:21,480 But that old nightmare started coming back too. I got 220 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,039 used to sleeping right through the night when I moved away. 221 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,759 Maybe it was being back in my old room, and 222 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,600 the smell of haydust and old varnish seeping from the 223 00:14:30,639 --> 00:14:35,919 floorboards that let it crawl back in. Now every couple 224 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,919 of nights i'd wake up gasping, heart hammering, and the 225 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:45,399 sheets clammy with sweat. In the dream, I was small again, 226 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,919 feet sinking into wet grass, watching the ground past the 227 00:14:49,919 --> 00:14:53,639 willow ripple and pulse like a throat. The mass peeled 228 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:57,679 back to show that graping flesh underneath, faint and slick, 229 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,440 twitching with a life of its own. I'd see the 230 00:15:01,559 --> 00:15:04,759 rabbits skit a forward here, its yelps before it slipped 231 00:15:04,799 --> 00:15:08,200 and fell in, followed by their wet, tearing sound that 232 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:12,639 still makes my stomach clench just thinking of it. I 233 00:15:12,639 --> 00:15:19,039 couldn't help but wonder why the dream came back. As 234 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,840 time passed, I noticed that every other day my dad 235 00:15:22,879 --> 00:15:25,159 would hobble out to the pens and tie a rope 236 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,080 around a goat's neck, and he'd lead it, quiet and 237 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:33,159 bleating past the rye field toward the marshland. He'd come 238 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,279 back alone, wiping his hands on his jeans, his face pale, 239 00:15:37,399 --> 00:15:41,519 her eyes distant. The first time I asked where he went, 240 00:15:42,559 --> 00:15:48,600 he snapped at me sharp, not your business. But then 241 00:15:48,639 --> 00:15:53,320 he sighed and his shoulders slumped. It's just old farm work. 242 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:58,720 You wouldn't understand, he said, his voice tired, almost kind. 243 00:15:59,279 --> 00:16:01,240 Let your old man and take care of the land. 244 00:16:03,799 --> 00:16:05,960 There was something in his eyes that warned me off. 245 00:16:06,919 --> 00:16:09,559 I thought maybe he was culling them or selling to 246 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,879 some neighbor. I didn't know, but the way he shut 247 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:17,200 down any question made me not want to know. It 248 00:16:17,279 --> 00:16:21,960 was easier not to know. I couldn't shake the feeling 249 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,120 that maybe my nightmare wasn't just a nightmare at all. 250 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,960 Maybe it was something I saw once and my mind 251 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,279 buried it because thinking about it too long made me 252 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:36,720 feel sick. The next time he went to fetch a goat, 253 00:16:37,279 --> 00:16:40,559 I saw how his hands shook. It was so bad 254 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,480 the rope nearly slipped through his grip. His face was gray, 255 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,320 lips dry and cracked, and sweat clung to the wisps 256 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,799 of hair at his temple. I put down the spanner 257 00:16:51,879 --> 00:16:55,600 I was using to fix the tractor panel and said, here, 258 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,879 let me take it out for you today. He pause, 259 00:17:00,399 --> 00:17:03,759 shoulders trembling as he caught his breath, and his eyes 260 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:07,119 flicked up at me. Dull and wet, like he was 261 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:13,519 fighting something inside. No, he said, voice low but shaking. 262 00:17:14,319 --> 00:17:17,680 You go fix that south gate hinge instead, leave this 263 00:17:17,799 --> 00:17:22,480 to me. He tried to stand up straighter, but winced, 264 00:17:22,839 --> 00:17:27,039 gripping the ropes so tight his knuckles went white. For 265 00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:32,599 a second, I thought he might collapse right there. I 266 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:36,119 watched him shuffle off across the field, the goat trailing 267 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:41,319 behind him. But I listened, and once I finished bolting 268 00:17:41,319 --> 00:17:45,599 the tractor panel, I headed for the south gate. The 269 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:49,759 hinge wasn't even loose, just a bit rusted, so I 270 00:17:49,839 --> 00:17:54,119 oiled it and kicked it shut the check. As I 271 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,759 turned to walk back, I saw the goat wandering free 272 00:17:57,839 --> 00:18:01,079 near the fence line, ropes still hanging from its neck. 273 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,680 He lifted its head to bleat at me, but I 274 00:18:04,759 --> 00:18:08,039 was already sprinting past it, boots thudding on the dirt, 275 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,640 the ground getting softer as I reached the marsh edge. 276 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,759 The grass there felt spongy under foot, damp moss pulling 277 00:18:16,759 --> 00:18:22,160 at my souls. As I scanned the land frantically, I 278 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:26,240 spotted him crumpled in the mud near the cattails, his 279 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:29,880 shirt pulled half out of his jeans, like he'd fallen hard. 280 00:18:30,799 --> 00:18:34,839 His chest rose and fell in short, shallow jerks, eyes 281 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:39,559 half open. His body felt so light when I lifted him, 282 00:18:39,599 --> 00:18:42,079 like picking up a sack of feed too long left 283 00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:47,119 out to dry. His skin was clammy. His breath rattled 284 00:18:47,119 --> 00:18:50,200 against my neck. As I carried him back towards the house. 285 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:56,319 I felt sorry for him, then truly sorry, and hated 286 00:18:56,359 --> 00:19:01,960 myself for it. He felt so small in my arms. 287 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,319 I laid him down and the old brown armchair by 288 00:19:05,359 --> 00:19:08,240 the window, the one with a stuffing coming out of 289 00:19:08,279 --> 00:19:11,960 the arm rest, and pressed the damp cloth to his forehead. 290 00:19:12,559 --> 00:19:15,559 It took nearly twenty minutes from his eyes the focus properly. 291 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:20,559 He gripped my wrist weakly, his palm cold and thin skinned, 292 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:25,960 and muttered for water. After he drank, his head sank 293 00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:31,559 back against the worn cushion. My time is nearly over, boy, 294 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:36,920 he rasped, staring past me at the ceiling. It's time 295 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:42,920 you knew about the land. He swallowed, his throat clicking dryly, 296 00:19:44,839 --> 00:19:48,880 back when you were little, before your mom. His eyes 297 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,400 drifted shut, and for a moment I thought he'd fallen asleep, 298 00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:57,279 But then he drew a shuddering breath. The lens started 299 00:19:57,319 --> 00:20:01,920 failing crops, rotted in the road, couldn't keep the feed 300 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:06,319 barley from mold. Even the hens stopped laying. Your mom 301 00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:12,200 and I we fought a lot, then money, god, everything. 302 00:20:14,559 --> 00:20:21,279 He coughed weakly, and his lip trembled. I tried everything, boy, fertiliza's, 303 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:27,279 burning off top soil, praying. Nothing took. Then one day 304 00:20:28,039 --> 00:20:31,480 you came and screaming about the rabbit. You were white 305 00:20:31,519 --> 00:20:35,279 as milk, couldn't get the words out right. You said 306 00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:38,640 the earth swallowed him up. I thought you were lying. 307 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:44,000 But later that evening I went out there past the willow. 308 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:50,519 I saw it. The mass all peeled back, the flesh 309 00:20:50,599 --> 00:21:01,039 underneath veined, pulsing like something alive. He paused, staring through me. 310 00:21:02,519 --> 00:21:05,640 After it ate the rabbit, the cell field came up 311 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:10,079 green again, peas like fists. I didn't think much of 312 00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:13,480 it until a week later, when the leaves yellowed overnight, 313 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:20,039 and I thought maybe he needed feeding again. So I 314 00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:23,440 took an old billy goat, slit his throat right over 315 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:29,920 that hole and threw it in. His voice cracked apathetic, 316 00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:35,359 thin sound. The next day the wheat stood tall, barley 317 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:40,000 heads thick, The land came back to life. And that's 318 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:46,440 how it's been. The land feeds us. We feed it, yo, mom, 319 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:54,279 She didn't understand. His fingers loosened around my wrist as 320 00:21:54,319 --> 00:21:58,680 his breathing ease, the shallow rattle's eyes closing, mouth slack 321 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:04,519 stayed quiet for a long minute. I's half shut. Then 322 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:09,680 his brow pinched. I tried other things, you know, he 323 00:22:09,759 --> 00:22:15,480 muttered voice, horse road kill, rotted, hard carcasses, dead crows 324 00:22:15,519 --> 00:22:18,720 I found in the yard. Thought if he wanted meat, 325 00:22:19,039 --> 00:22:23,000 it wouldn't matter. But every time I feated something old, 326 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:28,359 the land turned sour, crops came up yellow, the barley 327 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:33,759 rotted in the head. It needs fresh blood, boy warm, 328 00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:38,279 just killed or still kicking. The first time I realized 329 00:22:38,319 --> 00:22:40,960 that was when a calf was born, twisted with its 330 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,839 cuts half out. I didn't want it to suffer, so 331 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,200 I slit his throat out by the marsh and threw 332 00:22:47,279 --> 00:22:51,559 it in. The Next day, the cloverfield came up thick 333 00:22:51,599 --> 00:22:57,759 as wool. That's how I knew. It isn't just any meat. 334 00:22:58,079 --> 00:23:02,920 It's got to be alive or near enough. That's how 335 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:08,119 it works. His eyes rolled back and his chest fluttered 336 00:23:08,119 --> 00:23:11,880 like a trapped bird under his ribs. I sat there 337 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:16,119 watching him, had awful pulse of pity and disgust, throbbing 338 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:21,440 under my ribs. He swallowed again, eyes looking open just 339 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:25,759 enough to meet mine. You'll need to keep it fed, now, 340 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:31,200 he whispered. Hearing him say it like that made my 341 00:23:31,279 --> 00:23:35,480 mouth go dry. All those years thinking it was just 342 00:23:35,519 --> 00:23:40,920 a nightmare, But it wasn't. I really did have a rabbit. 343 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,400 I could see its scruffy ears in my mind, the 344 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,279 way it used to roll on his back, so I'd 345 00:23:46,279 --> 00:23:50,000 scratched its belly. It wasn't just some blur from sleep. 346 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:55,000 It was real, and he died, swallowed up by some 347 00:23:55,039 --> 00:23:59,480 sort of flesh bit. My chest hurt thinking about it, 348 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:03,440 thinking about how it suffered from the horrific nightmare, over 349 00:24:03,519 --> 00:24:07,400 and over again, and my dad never said a word, 350 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:12,240 just told me to stop sniveling over nightmares. Tears burned 351 00:24:12,279 --> 00:24:19,680 in my eyes. He coughed, wet and shallow, and swallowed hard. 352 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,519 It's your job, now, he said, voice rasping like gravel. 353 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,279 His eyes flicked to mine and softened for a moment, 354 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:33,079 like there was still a farther in there somewhere. You're ready. 355 00:24:34,039 --> 00:24:38,599 I wouldn't ask if you weren't. He closed his eyes again, 356 00:24:39,039 --> 00:24:42,440 his head rolling to the side, but his chest kept 357 00:24:42,559 --> 00:24:48,079 rising and falling, each breath, thin and ragged. I sat 358 00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:51,319 there for a while, taking it all in, feeling my 359 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:54,200 chest tight and my hands numb. Before I stood up, 360 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,920 I grabbed my coat from the peg and stepped outside. 361 00:24:58,519 --> 00:25:02,440 The evening air cool again to my face. The fields 362 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:05,920 were quiet, a few crows picking at old straw bales. 363 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,880 I spotted the goat wandering near the ripe fence line, 364 00:25:10,599 --> 00:25:14,240 rope trailing behind it through the mud. It lifted its 365 00:25:14,279 --> 00:25:17,440 head when it saw me coming, bleated low and tried 366 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,640 to step away, but its legs sank in the churned 367 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,960 up soil. My hands shook as I untangled the rope 368 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,759 from around its hearks as I started walking it toward 369 00:25:28,799 --> 00:25:32,720 the marshland. When I reached the edge of the marsh, 370 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,240 I could smell the pit before I could see it. 371 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,519 The goat snorted and pulled back against the rope, hoof 372 00:25:39,599 --> 00:25:42,960 skidding in the moss, ears flicking back at the stink, 373 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:48,319 but I yanked it closer. It wasn't gray pink like 374 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:52,720 I remembered. It was darker, now, streaked with a deep 375 00:25:52,799 --> 00:25:56,279 red brown. Folds of flesh ridged like the inside of 376 00:25:56,279 --> 00:26:00,880 a gut. Thick yellowish slime wept from its seams, pulling 377 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:04,480 into the mud below. The center of it dipped inward, 378 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:09,119 twitching with slow pulses. The smell hit me so hard 379 00:26:09,279 --> 00:26:14,519 I gagged. I stood there with the goat shifting nervously 380 00:26:14,599 --> 00:26:19,079 beside me, the rope rough in my grip. I thought 381 00:26:19,079 --> 00:26:21,319 about Dad's eyes when he told me I was ready. 382 00:26:22,079 --> 00:26:25,160 That stupid flicker of pride in my chest burnt through 383 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:29,079 the fear. My hands were trembling so hard I could 384 00:26:29,079 --> 00:26:33,160 barely loosen the rope. I slipped it off and grabbed 385 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,319 the goat by its back legs, feeling its weight strained 386 00:26:36,359 --> 00:26:40,160 my arms. It bleated, and I didn't have it in 387 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:45,119 me to slit its throat. I couldn't, so I just 388 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:50,880 heaved it forward, flinching as its head struck the fleshy rim. 389 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:55,559 The whole pit convulsed, folds rippling outwards as it suck 390 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,920 the goat down in one twitch and gulp, leaving nothing 391 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,039 behind but the stench of blood and bile, curling up 392 00:27:02,119 --> 00:27:06,559 into the evening air. I watched the ripples settle and 393 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,880 felt my knees go weak. I turned away, wiping my 394 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,119 mouth of the back of my sleeve, showing the nausea away. 395 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,559 But I could still hear that wet, sucking sound as 396 00:27:18,559 --> 00:27:24,400 the goat slipped down and was swallowed. By morning, the 397 00:27:24,519 --> 00:27:28,680 ri stood taller, dark green, and heavy headed. The calves 398 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:31,960 were born with bright eyes and strong legs, the clover 399 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:37,319 thick under their hooves. Dad noticed it too. He relaxed more, 400 00:27:37,599 --> 00:27:42,960 letting me take over the work. Unfortunately, he only got 401 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:48,160 sicker and he started sleeping longer. My arms thickened and 402 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:51,559 my back grew stronger under the strain. Each night, as 403 00:27:51,559 --> 00:27:54,519 I washed the dirt off in the cracked basin, I 404 00:27:54,559 --> 00:27:58,920 saw someone I almost respected looking back at me. Dad 405 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,200 often watched me work from his chair on the porch, 406 00:28:01,559 --> 00:28:04,839 his eyes softer now, his voice calmer when he spoke. 407 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:07,839 Some nights he'd tell me about the farm when I 408 00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,440 was small, like how I used to fall asleep in 409 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,759 the hayloft with a bug propped on my chest, and 410 00:28:13,839 --> 00:28:16,200 he'd smile a little when he said it, like he 411 00:28:16,279 --> 00:28:20,000 actually loved me Back then, as I settled him in 412 00:28:20,039 --> 00:28:23,039 with his mug of warm milk, it reached out and 413 00:28:23,079 --> 00:28:26,759 squeezed my wrist, and I could almost believe this was 414 00:28:26,839 --> 00:28:30,799 how it was always meant to be. In the weeks 415 00:28:30,799 --> 00:28:34,599 after I kept feeding it, things like chickens that stopped lying, 416 00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:39,119 lambs born too weak to stand. One that morning, while 417 00:28:39,119 --> 00:28:42,599 hauling a freshly dead ewe across the slick ground, my 418 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:45,559 foot slid out from under me, and I toppled forward. 419 00:28:46,559 --> 00:28:49,480 My hands slapped down hard on the flesh, rim, slick 420 00:28:49,559 --> 00:28:53,839 and hot, and I gagged at the texture. I pushed 421 00:28:53,839 --> 00:28:57,680 myself up fast, but something half buried in the slime 422 00:28:57,799 --> 00:29:03,680 caught my eye. Down under a thick yellow smear was 423 00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:07,880 a scrap of cloth. I reached out with shaking fingers 424 00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:11,480 and pulled it free. When I rubbed away a slime 425 00:29:11,559 --> 00:29:16,079 with my thumb, I saw the red shine through. My 426 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:20,319 chest went tight, my body, recognizing the material before my 427 00:29:20,359 --> 00:29:23,599 brain had a chance to It was a piece of 428 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:26,400 the bow Mom wore in her hair the morning I 429 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:31,279 last saw her. For a moment, the smell of rot faded, 430 00:29:32,279 --> 00:29:34,640 and all I could hear was a laugh echoing in 431 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:39,039 my memory before it twisted into that pulsing, sucking sound 432 00:29:39,039 --> 00:29:44,759 beneath me, and the world tilted sideways under me. My 433 00:29:44,839 --> 00:29:47,839 hand shook as I clinched the ribbon in my fist. 434 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,920 The anger bubbled up sharp in my chest, but under 435 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:57,640 it was dread, confusion, grief, all twisted together. I thought 436 00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,720 about the grave by the poplar grove. Little cross he 437 00:30:00,759 --> 00:30:05,400 had carved the name into. My throat felt tight. I 438 00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:08,319 stumbled back to the tool shed, grabbed the shovel of 439 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:11,759 its rusty hook, and trudged out past the fence lines 440 00:30:11,799 --> 00:30:15,720 to her grave. The ground was hard from weeks of sun, 441 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:20,240 but I dug anyway, Sweat dripping into my eyes, dirt 442 00:30:20,359 --> 00:30:24,200 caking my arms. I dug until the shovel hit nothing 443 00:30:24,279 --> 00:30:28,319 but dry earth below. There were no bones or calf in. 444 00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:32,359 The anger built up heart behind my eyes, and I've 445 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:37,359 had my teeth clenched so tight my jaw ached. All 446 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:41,000 those years of being called useless, all those bruises, and 447 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:44,440 the fear and the small kindnesses that never made up 448 00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:48,039 for it. I felt the rage burn up through my chest, 449 00:30:48,599 --> 00:30:54,960 molten and unstoppable. He murdered her, He murdered my mom. 450 00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:57,759 The bow was warm in my grip from my sweaty, 451 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:01,920 shaking hands. As I stormed back to the house, the 452 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:05,839 door slammed open against the peeling wall. He was in 453 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:09,799 his chair, the old TV, flickering shadows across his face, 454 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:15,519 eyes glazed and distant. He looked up, slow, blinking at me, 455 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,480 like I'd woken him from a dream. I held the 456 00:31:19,519 --> 00:31:25,119 soiled ribbon out, my voice trembling with fury. I know 457 00:31:25,279 --> 00:31:29,119 what you did, I boomed, I know you killed her. 458 00:31:30,119 --> 00:31:35,119 Why why the hell would you do that? He looked 459 00:31:35,119 --> 00:31:37,680 at the bow in my hand, then back up at me, 460 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:42,640 eyes tired and hollow. He led her a long, ragged 461 00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:48,759 sigh and slumped deeper into the chair. We were running out, 462 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:54,279 he rasped, his voice, like dry gravel. No cows left, 463 00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:58,720 barely any sheep. Your mom. She wouldn't let me take 464 00:31:58,759 --> 00:32:02,400 the horses. She kept praying, thinking God would fix it. 465 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:06,799 But the crops were rotting, the bank was calling every week. 466 00:32:08,079 --> 00:32:13,559 We were finished. I stared at him, heart pounding so 467 00:32:13,799 --> 00:32:20,480 hard in heart. She didn't understand, he grote, eyes going glassy. 468 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:25,759 She said, would leave, sell the place. But this land, 469 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:29,720 it's in my blood, my father's, his father's before him. 470 00:32:30,519 --> 00:32:33,759 I couldn't just let it die, she said. I was 471 00:32:33,759 --> 00:32:37,400 losing my mind, that it was just rot, just bad weather, 472 00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:41,400 nothing to do with the land. Wanting blood, she said 473 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:44,319 she was taking you and leaving. She said she'd call 474 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:48,839 the police if I tried to stop her. His breathing 475 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:54,519 grew shallow, rattling in his chest. I didn't plan it, 476 00:32:55,319 --> 00:32:59,519 he whispered. I couldn't. I couldn't let it take everything. 477 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:04,000 I pushed her. She was standing near the loft opening, 478 00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:09,880 yelling at me. She stumbled back, slipped right through, fell 479 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:14,200 down on to the feed bin, broke a neck. I 480 00:33:14,319 --> 00:33:17,720 thought if the pit took her, maybe it would fix 481 00:33:17,799 --> 00:33:22,319 the barley, the mold, the animals starving in their pens. 482 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:29,720 So I dragged her out there. He blinked, tears streaking 483 00:33:29,799 --> 00:33:34,799 down his stubbled cheeks. She would have forgiven me, he muttered. 484 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:42,400 She always forgave me. Something inside me snapped. My vision 485 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:45,680 went hot and dark. I took a step forward, My 486 00:33:45,759 --> 00:33:52,440 breath ragged. No, I spat, voice sharp enough to cut glass. 487 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:59,480 That's a lie, he flinched. You don't understand, he said, 488 00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:03,079 voice cracking, as if he was arguing with himself just 489 00:34:03,119 --> 00:34:06,640 as much as me. This farm was all I had left. 490 00:34:07,079 --> 00:34:10,280 This land has always been my life. If I lost it, 491 00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:16,000 what was left for me nothing. The anger in me 492 00:34:16,119 --> 00:34:20,639 boiled over, then, furious and cruel, I grabbed his wrist, 493 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:24,679 pulling him upright despite his protests, feeling how frail and 494 00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:30,079 light had become. You murdered her, you murdered everything good 495 00:34:30,119 --> 00:34:34,719 that was left. I grabbed his wrist. His skin felt thin. 496 00:34:35,519 --> 00:34:39,280 He gasped as I yanked him upright. His legs buckled, 497 00:34:39,599 --> 00:34:42,840 nearly dropping him back into the chair, but I held 498 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:47,039 him up, feeling how light it had become. And now 499 00:34:47,039 --> 00:34:49,840 you want me to keep feeling this nightmare like it's 500 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:56,880 some family duty. My voice rose sharp with disgust. Fine, 501 00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:03,719 let's feed it. He shook his head weakly, tears dripping 502 00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:08,519 from his chin. Don't, don't do this, lad, he wheezed. 503 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:12,960 I began pulling him towards the door. There was a 504 00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:18,840 slight resistance, but nothing I couldn't overpower. He stumbled, legs 505 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:22,599 barely holding him up, and when we reached the porch steps, 506 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:26,400 he lost his footing, collapsing hard onto the rough wood. 507 00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:31,599 I dragged him down the stairs, skin scraping against splintered planks. 508 00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:35,239 He groaned in pain while gasping to catch his breath, 509 00:35:37,519 --> 00:35:42,480 but I kept going, dragging him through the mud, his 510 00:35:42,599 --> 00:35:45,639 worn shoes leaving smears in the soil. As He tried 511 00:35:45,639 --> 00:35:48,719 to push against the ground and free himself from my grip. 512 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:54,000 He twisted and strained, a broken thing, fighting a losing battle, 513 00:35:55,320 --> 00:36:00,280 But I had no mercy. The called marsh Are to 514 00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:03,159 my face as we neared the pit, and I could 515 00:36:03,239 --> 00:36:07,840 feel his ragged breaths hitched with panic. His eyes met mine, 516 00:36:08,239 --> 00:36:12,039 pleading and wild with the fury that fueled me. Was 517 00:36:12,079 --> 00:36:17,559 a tie too strong to hold back. Why, I shouted 518 00:36:17,639 --> 00:36:20,360 as I dragged him forward. Why did you hate me 519 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:23,519 so much after she was gone? Was it guilt or 520 00:36:23,639 --> 00:36:27,719 just the land telling you what to do? His eyes 521 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:32,239 flicked up to me, wide and glistening with tears. I 522 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:37,159 don't know, he whispered, voice breaking like snap twigs. I 523 00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:42,639 don't know. We reached the pit, the ground soggy beneath 524 00:36:42,679 --> 00:36:47,719 my boots, soft and slippy. The pit waited there, that 525 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:52,000 sick pole, steady beneath the surface. He leaned on me, 526 00:36:52,559 --> 00:36:57,039 fragile and worn. I holed him upright one last time. 527 00:36:58,039 --> 00:37:01,360 He trembled in my grasp, his body weak and brittle. 528 00:37:02,199 --> 00:37:05,480 His skin was pale and clammy, vein standing out like 529 00:37:05,639 --> 00:37:09,280 dark cords beneath a thin flesh of his hands. He 530 00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:13,519 gasped struggling for breath, a rattling wheeze that tore through 531 00:37:13,559 --> 00:37:17,960 the stillness. His eyes flickered wild and pleading, filled with 532 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:25,960 a desperate, fading life. I shoock muscles tight with fury. Please, 533 00:37:26,599 --> 00:37:31,079 he whispered, trembling in my grip, and voice ragged. I 534 00:37:31,119 --> 00:37:36,280 am your father. I locked him in the eye, voice 535 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:41,039 cold and hard. What did mom say? Did she beg 536 00:37:41,119 --> 00:37:46,400 you too? Did he give her any mercy? He tried 537 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:49,880 to look away, but I tightened my grip, forcing him 538 00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:54,679 to meet my eyes. Tears welled, mixing with snot as 539 00:37:54,679 --> 00:38:02,360 his shoulders heaved in silent sobs. No, he sputtered. The 540 00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:07,639 word was so small, so final. She deserved so much more. 541 00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:13,559 I shoved him forward. He stumbled, caught for half a 542 00:38:13,639 --> 00:38:17,480 second than the fleshy rim, then slipped into the pit. 543 00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:22,119 It clung to him, dragging him down inch by inch. 544 00:38:23,159 --> 00:38:27,239 His arms flailed, nails scraping uselessly at the veined walls 545 00:38:27,639 --> 00:38:31,280 as the pit swallowed him whole with a wet, socking sound. 546 00:38:32,519 --> 00:38:38,119 The folds quivered, then sealed over in silence. And it 547 00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:42,239 was at that moment I realized I was more like 548 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,800 my father than I ever thought