Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope with Rick Warren.
Speaker 1: We are so glad you're here with us.
Speaker 2: Today.
Speaker 1: We're going to continue our series called The Keys to
Speaker 1: a Blessed Life. And when these messages, Rick walks through
Speaker 1: Jesus' Sermon on the Mount and shows us how to
Speaker 1: live a truly hopeful and purpose filled life. And we're
Speaker 1: continuing with part two of how to reconcile a relationship.
Speaker 2: The Bible says there is no fear in love. Now
Speaker 2: God is love. If you get full of God, the
Speaker 2: fear is going to go. What motivates a normally rational
Speaker 2: person to run into a burning building because they know
Speaker 2: a baby's in there and the fear is overcome by
Speaker 2: their love for that child. We never change until our
Speaker 2: love exceeds our fear. We never change until the pain
Speaker 2: exceeds our fear. And so the starting point is to say, God,
Speaker 2: I need you to fill me with your love, because
Speaker 2: perfect love casts out all fear. The Bible says this
Speaker 2: in two Timothy one seven. It says God has not
Speaker 2: given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a
Speaker 2: spirit of power and love and self discipline. So everything
Speaker 2: I'm going to teach you today the steps, and they're
Speaker 2: very practical. Steps cannot be done unless you get filled
Speaker 2: with God's love because it is the love of God
Speaker 2: that's going to eliminate the fear. And then you have
Speaker 2: the courage to make the first step. How do you
Speaker 2: get that love? You ask God for it. So here's
Speaker 2: the second step, Ask God for wisdom. You've made the decision. Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna let this thing go anymore. I'm not
Speaker 2: gonna let it fester. I'm gonna deal with this conflict
Speaker 2: that's been under the surface for so many years or months,
Speaker 2: and I'm going to ask God for wisdom. The Bible
Speaker 2: says in James chapter one that if we ask God
Speaker 2: for wisdom, God will give it to us James one,
Speaker 2: verse five. If you want to know what God wants
Speaker 2: you to do, ask him and he will gladly tell you.
Speaker 2: So the first thing you do is you make decisions.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to go along with this unresolved anymore.
Speaker 2: I don't want to be out of fellowship of God.
Speaker 2: I don't want my prayers unanswered. I don't want to
Speaker 2: be unhappy. I don't want to be miserable. So I'm
Speaker 2: going to take the first step. I'm not gonna wait
Speaker 2: on them, and then I'm gonna say God, I really
Speaker 2: need your help. I need you to fill me with
Speaker 2: love because I'm scared to death and God, I don't
Speaker 2: know what to say. I don't know when to say it.
Speaker 2: I don't know where to say it. I don't know
Speaker 2: what's the best time. You plan a peace conference, and
Speaker 2: you find a time when it's good for them, not
Speaker 2: when you're tired. By the way, never have a conflict
Speaker 2: resolution while you're in bed, save that for other things
Speaker 2: in bed. If you start having a conflict about half
Speaker 2: the time you go through, you start to get to
Speaker 2: major point you're gonna hear and that kind of ruins it.
Speaker 2: So don't use the bedroom for your conflict area. But
Speaker 2: you get where you're alone, where you're not in a
Speaker 2: public spot where people can be real, and you say, okay, God,
Speaker 2: what do you want me to say? Where do I
Speaker 2: say it? When's the right time to say it? And
Speaker 2: you ask God for help. Soa God, I don't want
Speaker 2: to be out of whack with you. I don't want
Speaker 2: to be out I don't be on have my prayers
Speaker 2: an answered? So I want to deal with this issue. Now.
Speaker 2: I'm sure that even as I've just started talking to
Speaker 2: you about this, you're already thinking about somebody in your
Speaker 2: life that you know there's a strain in that relationship.
Speaker 2: It's likely somebody in your family or in your marriage,
Speaker 2: parents' kids, or maybe somebody at work. So I want
Speaker 2: to stop right here, and as your pastor who loves you,
Speaker 2: I want to pray that God will give you the
Speaker 2: courage to take the next steps we're about to do. Okay,
Speaker 2: let's bow our heads. Father, you know that we're all
Speaker 2: scared to death of conflict. Nobody who's rational likes it.
Speaker 2: And yet you have said that it's more important than
Speaker 2: worship that we actually go get something right with somebody
Speaker 2: that we're out of harmony with. And Lord, we know
Speaker 2: you're not saying go back and you know, rebuild a relation,
Speaker 2: remarry us, an acts or whatever. You're just saying, bury
Speaker 2: the hatchet, make peace, bring harmony. And I pray that
Speaker 2: you would give my people, the people here in our church,
Speaker 2: the courage to reconcile, the courage to deal with tough
Speaker 2: issues that have been pushed under the carpet and swept
Speaker 2: into the corner and pretended like they were not happening. Lord,
Speaker 2: help us to face what we're pretending not to know.
Speaker 2: Help us to be real, and help us to have integrity.
Speaker 2: And God give us the right place, the right time,
Speaker 2: and the right thing to say, and help us to
Speaker 2: come with the right attitude, ready to reconcile. In your name,
Speaker 2: I pray Amen. Guys Men, maybe the most manly masculine
Speaker 2: thing you do this week is man up and deal
Speaker 2: with a conflict that's been brewing that you know you
Speaker 2: need to deal with. So after I've made the decision
Speaker 2: to make the first move and I've asked God for help,
Speaker 2: now we get to the real practical stuff. And that's
Speaker 2: number three. I begin with what's my fault? When we
Speaker 2: get together and we have this peace conference. I don't
Speaker 2: start with what you've done wrong. I don't start with
Speaker 2: a bunch of accusations. I don't start with the ways
Speaker 2: I've been hurt. We'll get to that, But you start
Speaker 2: with beginning with what's my fault. Now, the conflict maybe
Speaker 2: ninety nine point their fault, but you can find something
Speaker 2: to confess. You can find something that was your mistake,
Speaker 2: even if it was in your poor respet reponse, maybe
Speaker 2: even in your defensiveness. But you begin with what is
Speaker 2: your fault? And instead of accusing, and instead of excusing yourself,
Speaker 2: and instead of attacking, and instead of blaming other people,
Speaker 2: I first look at what's going on inside me. Now,
Speaker 2: I want you to listening very important. The Bible says
Speaker 2: there are two causes of conflict, and the first cause
Speaker 2: of conflict is self centeredness. It's what's going on inside
Speaker 2: of me. See, if I'm filled with peace, almost nothing
Speaker 2: upsets me. If I'm filled with love, almost nothing irritates me.
Speaker 2: If I'm filled with Jesus, almost nothing ticks me off.
Speaker 2: On the other hand, if I'm filled with me, ego, pride,
Speaker 2: self centeredives, anything can tick me off, anything can make
Speaker 2: me mad, anything can irritate me. You can do the
Speaker 2: smallest little thing. And if I'm full of myself, you
Speaker 2: can hurt my feelings very very quick. And so it
Speaker 2: all depends on what's inside me. And if I'm at
Speaker 2: peace with me and I'm at peace with God, other
Speaker 2: things just don't upset me because I'm at peace. So
Speaker 2: God is saying that the real source of the conflict
Speaker 2: and stress in your life is not all those jerks
Speaker 2: you work with. It's what's going on inside of you?
Speaker 2: Because if you were at peace, they wouldn't bother you.
Speaker 2: They wouldn't bother you. So the first cause of conflict
Speaker 2: is self centeredness. You see, I want what I want
Speaker 2: when I want it, and you want what you want
Speaker 2: when you want it, and when my wants bump up
Speaker 2: against your Once we got a problem, friend, and there's conflict.
Speaker 2: Here's what the Bible says, James, Chapter four, Verse one.
Speaker 2: What causes fights? What fought causes fights and quarrels? You know,
Speaker 2: conflict among you? They are caused by all the jerks
Speaker 2: around you. Doesn't say that. It says they are caused
Speaker 2: by the selfish desires that are continually at war inside you.
Speaker 2: The conflict that you're having with other people is inside you.
Speaker 2: It actually starts in you. As I said, why don't
Speaker 2: you write this down? When I'm at peace inside, what's
Speaker 2: outside doesn't upset me. When I'm at peace inside inside me,
Speaker 2: I'm at peace with God, I'm at peace with myself.
Speaker 2: What's outside me just doesn't tick me off. Now. It
Speaker 2: doesn't mean I don't agree with everything that I see.
Speaker 2: There's a lot I disagree with. It just doesn't upset me.
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean I don't think there are things that
Speaker 2: need to be changed. There are a lot that needs
Speaker 2: to be changed around me and in my relationships. It
Speaker 2: just means I don't get distressed. I can disagree without
Speaker 2: being And you are distressed not by the people around you.
Speaker 2: You were distressed by what's going on inside you and
Speaker 2: that response to the people around you. You can disagree
Speaker 2: without being distressed. You know, when I used to do
Speaker 2: marriage counseling, and I couldn't count the number of marriages
Speaker 2: I helped and tried to help. The number one reason
Speaker 2: people gave for divorcing was this pastor we're just quote incompatible.
Speaker 2: That was their reason. We're just incompatible, friends. There's no
Speaker 2: such thing as incompatibility. It's a term made up by
Speaker 2: divorce attorneys to justify divorce. We're all incompatible because we're
Speaker 2: all different. Nobody's going to be completely compatible with you,
Speaker 2: because nobody's exactly like you. So no matter who you're
Speaker 2: with and who you married, you're gonna be incompatible. The
Speaker 2: truth is, you can get along with anybody that you
Speaker 2: choose to get along with, and you can choose to
Speaker 2: love anybody that you choose to love. Now, if I
Speaker 2: were to summarize thousands of hours of marriage counseling in
Speaker 2: two words, this is going to save you a lot
Speaker 2: of money. Here are the two words you need to
Speaker 2: hear that will make your marriage a success. Grow up,
Speaker 2: Stop being irritating little immature. I won't say the word.
Speaker 2: It's immaturity that causes marriage to die. It's not incompatibility.
Speaker 2: It's inflexibility. I want what I want and I want
Speaker 2: it now, and you want what you want. And neither
Speaker 2: of us are old enough, mature enough, smart enough, spiritual
Speaker 2: enough to change. And I am willing to let this
Speaker 2: thing die. Then change, and you're willing to let this died.
Speaker 2: Than change has nothing to do with incompatibility. If incompatibility
Speaker 2: was actually a concept, then exhibit A. Are Rick and k
Speaker 2: Warren because we are the exact opposite in every DNA
Speaker 2: cell in our body. We it's oh blad do you?
Speaker 2: Oh blad? Die? You say hi, I say low, you
Speaker 2: say why, I say I don't know. It's just we
Speaker 2: are on the opposite extremes in every area. We have
Speaker 2: different backgrounds, we have different you know, look at life differently,
Speaker 2: different temperaments. We are so opposite of each other. Now Actually,
Speaker 2: the marriages that are hardest are where people are too
Speaker 2: much alike, because after a while they get bored with
Speaker 2: each other. The greater your differences in your marriage, the
Speaker 2: greater your potential for growth. I'll say it again, the
Speaker 2: greater your differences in marriage, the greater your potential for growth.
Speaker 2: And the primary purpose of marriage is not to make
Speaker 2: you happy, but to make you holy, to make you
Speaker 2: like Jesus. And I have learned more from my wife
Speaker 2: because she's so different from me than anybody else. You
Speaker 2: can learn from anybody. If you're willing to be humble,
Speaker 2: you can grow, and you can love, and you can
Speaker 2: learn to love anybody. It's not a matter of incompatibility.
Speaker 2: It's a matter of maturity. Am I willing to grow up?
Speaker 2: Am I willing to be unselfish? Am I willing to
Speaker 2: be flexible? And am I willing to learn? Or would
Speaker 2: I rather die than do that? I want you to
Speaker 2: write this sentence down. Okay, write this down. It's always
Speaker 2: more rewarding. Write this down. It's always more rewarding to
Speaker 2: resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. It's always
Speaker 2: more rewarding to resolve a conflict than dissolve a relationship.
Speaker 2: Kay and I had so many problems in our early
Speaker 2: years and marriage. We would be divorced if it weren't
Speaker 2: for Jesus. And what would have happened if we had
Speaker 2: given in to those desires to divorce in our early years.
Speaker 2: I wouldn't have the children I've got, I wouldn't have
Speaker 2: the grandchildren I've got. There would be no saddle backed church,
Speaker 2: and many of you would still not be headed for heaven.
Speaker 2: I think of the blessings in the world that would
Speaker 2: have been missed if I had listened to my fears
Speaker 2: or kid listen to her fears. It's always more rewarding
Speaker 2: to resolve the conflict than to dissolve the relationship. So
Speaker 2: our nature is natural to be self centered. I don't
Speaker 2: think about me, are you? I think about me? And
Speaker 2: by the way, you don't think about me, you're thinking
Speaker 2: about you. You're thinking about you right now? What does
Speaker 2: this mean to me? And it isn't really helpful to me?
Speaker 2: And the point is, oh, you're you're getting that all right.
Speaker 2: It's my nature to be self centered, and it's my
Speaker 2: nature to be stubborn. And if I'm going to have
Speaker 2: a good relationship, friendship, work relationship, client relationship, marriage relationship,
Speaker 2: parenting relationship. I gotta think less about me and more
Speaker 2: about you. So the first cause of conflict, the Bible
Speaker 2: makes it very clear, is self centered as selfishness. The
Speaker 2: second cause of conflict is pride. And in pride, I'm stubborn,
Speaker 2: and in pride, I get my feelings hurt easily. Humble
Speaker 2: people don't get their feelings hurt. Prideful people do. They
Speaker 2: get their feelings hurt all the time. Proverbs thirteen ten
Speaker 2: says this pride. Let's read it aloud together. Pride only
Speaker 2: leads to arguments? And where is that verse found? Proverbs
Speaker 2: thirteen ten. Now that's such a short verse. That's going
Speaker 2: to be our memory verse this week, so we can
Speaker 2: learn this one. You can use this one. So let's
Speaker 2: say it aloud together. Proverbs thirteen ten. Pride only leads
Speaker 2: to arguments? And where's that Proverbs thirteen ten. You're gonna
Speaker 2: need this one, by the way, what's this? Proverbs thirteen
Speaker 2: ten say, pride only leads to arguments? And where's that found?
Speaker 2: Proverbs thirteen ten. That was the first verse that Kay
Speaker 2: and I memorized in our marriage. We memorized it on
Speaker 2: the honeymoon. Why because we needed it on the honeymoon.
Speaker 2: We were already at each other's throats fighting on the honeymoon.
Speaker 2: We are so different. I want to do this, and
Speaker 2: I want to do that, and you want to do this,
Speaker 2: you want to do that. And we had to memorize
Speaker 2: that verse before a week of our marriage was up.
Speaker 2: And it has helped us many, many times. Pride only
Speaker 2: leads to arguments. Now of a conflict you're in right now,
Speaker 2: and if you're in a log jam, and maybe you've
Speaker 2: been in this conflict with your mother or your father,
Speaker 2: or your wife or husband or friend or somebody, you've
Speaker 2: been in it for years, and you're in a logjam anything.
Speaker 2: Nothing is ever happening here. There's no movement. We're not
Speaker 2: making any progress. I am going to give you a
Speaker 2: secret miracle sentence that will break any logjam in any argument, guaranteed.
Speaker 2: I guarantee you this. This is a secret sentence that
Speaker 2: will break a logjam in any conflict, if you'll use it.
Speaker 2: Are you ready? Here it is. I'm sorry, I was
Speaker 2: only thinking of myself. Now, when your spouse wakes up
Speaker 2: from fainting, you can say it again. I'm sorry, I
Speaker 2: was only thinking of myself and they'll faint again when
Speaker 2: they wake up. Then you can actually start dealing with
Speaker 2: when was the last time you said that to somebody?
Speaker 2: Have you ever said that in your marriage? No? And
Speaker 2: yet how many times were you only thinking of yourself
Speaker 2: on a daily basis? That is a miracle phrase. You
Speaker 2: need to memorize and get over your pride which causes conflict,
Speaker 2: and begin to say in somebody, your husband or your
Speaker 2: wife says something to you and you start to get
Speaker 2: defensive about it and distant and demanding. You just say,
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I was only thinking of myself, and you
Speaker 2: watch the balloon, the air come out of that balloon,
Speaker 2: and the pride and the ego just kind of shrinks down. Now,
Speaker 2: the reason you need to learn to say that is
Speaker 2: because you have what's called blind spots in your life.
Speaker 2: The blind spots are the weaknesses you don't see in
Speaker 2: your life. You have a lot of weaknesses that you
Speaker 2: know about, and you know about those weaknesses in your life.
Speaker 2: Those aren't blind spots because you can see them. The
Speaker 2: blind spots are the weaknesses you can't see. That's why
Speaker 2: they're called blind spots, because you can't see them. You
Speaker 2: have weaknesses in your life you have never seen. Now
Speaker 2: we all see them. We can see them real clearly.
Speaker 2: We can see your weakness is really clear. You don't
Speaker 2: have to defend them because you don't even know they're there.
Speaker 2: They are your blind spots. And that's why you need
Speaker 2: other people in your life who can actually point out
Speaker 2: to you what you cannot see. Your blind spots. Those
Speaker 2: are weaknesses. You don't even have any idea. You're clueless
Speaker 2: that you have that weakness. That's why you need to
Speaker 2: come to conflict with a humble heart.
Speaker 1: Such a great message from Pastor Rick today, and I
Speaker 1: hope you were just as encouraged as I was.
Speaker 2: Once again, here here's Rick. Hello everybody. This is Rick
Speaker 2: and I have just returned from Amsterdam where I was
Speaker 2: at a conference where we had over six thousand church
Speaker 2: leaders pastors from all around the world. Literally one hundred
Speaker 2: and forty nations came to Amsterdam for a week of
Speaker 2: training where we were teaching them about the good news
Speaker 2: of Jesus Christ and more importantly, how to share the
Speaker 2: good news of Jesus Christ and help finishing the task
Speaker 2: around the world in the next ten years. That's the
Speaker 2: goal to get the Gospel to every person in the
Speaker 2: world in the next ten years, by twenty thirty three,
Speaker 2: which is the two thousandth birthday of Christianity. And you
Speaker 2: know what was the most exciting to me is that
Speaker 2: people came to me from all around the world. Like
Speaker 2: I said, one hundred and forty nations and said, I
Speaker 2: listened to Daily Hope every day in Kazakhstan, in Bhutan,
Speaker 2: in Bolivia, in Namibia, on every continent. I heard time
Speaker 2: and time again, Pastor Rick, the Word of God is
Speaker 2: changing my life. Friends, That's what Daily Hope is all about.
Speaker 2: And for me, since I get your letters and I
Speaker 2: love to read your letters, and I love to hear
Speaker 2: your stories, but to be face to face with about
Speaker 2: six thousand people who are listening to Daily Hope on
Speaker 2: a regular basis and hearing how it's changed their lives
Speaker 2: and influenced their ministries, it just makes me want to say,
Speaker 2: to all of you who pray for this ministry and
Speaker 2: all of you who support this ministry, thank you, thank you,
Speaker 2: thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers, for
Speaker 2: your gifts, for your support. You're making a difference. When
Speaker 2: you get to Heaven, You're going to meet people in
Speaker 2: heaven who've come to Christ because you prayed and because
Speaker 2: you gave.
Speaker 1: Be sure to join us next time as we look
Speaker 1: into God's Word for our daily hope. This program is
Speaker 1: sponsored by Pastor Rick's Daily Hope and your generous financial
Speaker 1: support