WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:08.480 It's not like Lucas to forget anything that matters, not anniversaries, 2 00:00:08.759 --> 00:00:11.919 not birth days, not even the little rituals we created 3 00:00:12.080 --> 00:00:14.720 just for the two of us. That's why, as I 4 00:00:14.759 --> 00:00:18.800 stood outside the red brick restaurant, fringed by climbing wisteria, 5 00:00:19.160 --> 00:00:22.800 clutching my phone, I felt almost insulated from the sharp 6 00:00:22.839 --> 00:00:26.160 bite of march air. I kept thinking there had to 7 00:00:26.199 --> 00:00:30.760 be some miscommunication, a traffic jam, a last minute phone call. 8 00:00:31.359 --> 00:00:35.520 He was probably parking, apologizing to the hostess, glancing at 9 00:00:35.520 --> 00:00:38.960 his watch with that apologetic boyishness he always put on 10 00:00:39.079 --> 00:00:42.679 when he felt rushed. I turned, as I always did, 11 00:00:42.920 --> 00:00:46.000 to check the glass door for his tall figure, messy 12 00:00:46.119 --> 00:00:49.399 dark hair, olive jacket, the easy swagger he seemed to 13 00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:53.200 carry everywhere except home. The door opened, but it was 14 00:00:53.320 --> 00:00:57.520 just a couple squeezed into one another's orbit, laughing too loudly, 15 00:00:57.840 --> 00:01:02.679 oblivious to weather, to waiting. At seven twelve, my phone chimed, 16 00:01:03.079 --> 00:01:06.760 not a call, but a text, A lazy running late 17 00:01:06.920 --> 00:01:11.079 stuck at bayside parking is hell love you? He should 18 00:01:11.079 --> 00:01:14.680 have been here at seven Baysides, across town, not even 19 00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:18.760 near his office. I typed, Should I order or wait? 20 00:01:19.799 --> 00:01:23.280 Sent no typing bubbles. I slipped my phone into my bag, 21 00:01:23.560 --> 00:01:28.120 walked inside by the window, my usual table. We always 22 00:01:28.159 --> 00:01:31.400 ask for it. Booth view of fairy lights. Host already 23 00:01:31.480 --> 00:01:35.640 nodding recognition. Welcome back, missus halpan, she said as she 24 00:01:35.719 --> 00:01:39.519 led me over. I nodded, cheeks warm, I sat. I waited. 25 00:01:40.599 --> 00:01:44.719 Each year, we took turns planning our seasonal anniversary, our 26 00:01:44.760 --> 00:01:47.239 own made up tradition for the day in early spring 27 00:01:47.280 --> 00:01:50.799 when we first kissed such a Lucas touch, grab an 28 00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:55.000 ordinary moment, drape it in ceremony. I remembered his surprise 29 00:01:55.159 --> 00:01:58.719 that first year, Lilies propped in a milk bottle, a 30 00:01:58.760 --> 00:02:03.200 card written on graft paper torn from his work note book. Now, 31 00:02:03.280 --> 00:02:07.120 as I sat, the restaurant hummed around me, silverware clinked. 32 00:02:07.560 --> 00:02:10.120 The couple in the booth across from mine giggled over 33 00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:13.840 a bottle of pino. My mind replayed last year's dinner, 34 00:02:14.199 --> 00:02:16.960 Lucas covering my hand with his own, across the linen, 35 00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:20.439 making some silly speech, his face lit with pride and 36 00:02:20.520 --> 00:02:23.479 mischief and something else, something that let me believe we 37 00:02:23.479 --> 00:02:28.039 were still choosing each other always seven twenty. The server 38 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:32.759 a petite brunette ponental curling at her neck, appeared beaming. Oh, 39 00:02:32.840 --> 00:02:37.120 I remember you too, The anniversary couple table by the window. Right. 40 00:02:37.439 --> 00:02:41.080 She peered over my shoulder. Will your husband be joining soon? 41 00:02:42.199 --> 00:02:45.719 A little too brightly, I replied, he's just running late 42 00:02:45.879 --> 00:02:49.800 work stuff, you know. She nodded, no rush. Would you 43 00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:54.039 like a drink while you wait? Your usual prosecco? I 44 00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:58.840 managed a smile, yes, why not? She vanished. The glass arrived, 45 00:02:58.879 --> 00:03:03.039 sweating lightly beside eyed the menu. If I'd let myself indulge, 46 00:03:03.120 --> 00:03:05.159 it would have been easy to sour. That was the 47 00:03:05.199 --> 00:03:08.599 thing about small rituals, how easily they could curdle. I 48 00:03:08.680 --> 00:03:12.159 scrolled through old texts from Lucas last year. Time are 49 00:03:12.199 --> 00:03:16.000 set for seven. I'll bring the embarrassing flowers again, love you, 50 00:03:16.159 --> 00:03:19.759 sleepyhead the year before, wearing lucky socks just for you, 51 00:03:20.240 --> 00:03:23.280 even the silly gifts of hearts and kittens, each pinged 52 00:03:23.319 --> 00:03:26.919 in anticipation. I tried to conjure his voice, the affection 53 00:03:27.080 --> 00:03:29.639 in it, but to Night's message landed with none of that, 54 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:35.479 just logistical, just short. Running late, I thumbed through our 55 00:03:35.479 --> 00:03:39.520 photo album, Lucas grinning beside me in this very booth, 56 00:03:39.919 --> 00:03:43.840 one arm around my shoulders, the other hoisting a ridiculous dessert. 57 00:03:44.520 --> 00:03:48.080 There was something in his face, unself conscious ease, a 58 00:03:48.199 --> 00:03:51.439 mischievousness that I couldn't summon lately, in our kitchen, in 59 00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:56.120 our bed, in those moments between distraction and fatigue. The 60 00:03:56.159 --> 00:03:59.400 prosecco burned going down, and for a second I thought, 61 00:03:59.479 --> 00:04:03.360 just order, you're making this a self fulfilling prophecy. He's 62 00:04:03.400 --> 00:04:07.439 always late. It's charming, usually for a beat. I imagine 63 00:04:07.479 --> 00:04:11.560 the night salvaged Luca's barreling in apology, already hovering on 64 00:04:11.639 --> 00:04:15.479 his lips a goofy remark. The tension muffled and replaced 65 00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:20.199 by warmth. My phone rang, buzzing, Lucas's name pulsing on 66 00:04:20.240 --> 00:04:23.879 the cracked screen. I picked up quickly, voice steady, Hey, 67 00:04:24.959 --> 00:04:28.639 he sounded, breathless. Errins, shit, I am so sorry. I've 68 00:04:28.639 --> 00:04:31.839 got I totally lost track. I'm half way across town. 69 00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:35.079 Client thing went late and now I'm stuck. Can we 70 00:04:35.399 --> 00:04:39.160 rain check? I paused, trying to keep annoyance out of 71 00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:44.160 my voice. It's o K. Really, I'm god, I owe you. 72 00:04:44.439 --> 00:04:47.040 We'll do it right. Give me a sect to finish here. 73 00:04:47.160 --> 00:04:51.680 I'll call when I'm headed home. O, K sure there 74 00:04:51.759 --> 00:04:56.399 was a silence. You're not too mad, I laughed too loudly. No, 75 00:04:56.600 --> 00:05:00.879 of course not rain check right, rain check? Love you 76 00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:06.079 love you too. He hung up. I set the phone down, 77 00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:09.800 heart thudding, and led out a slow breath. I finished 78 00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:13.560 the prosecco, ordered an appetizer I barely touched, and after 79 00:05:13.600 --> 00:05:17.560 another fifteen minutes, got the check. Walking to my car, 80 00:05:17.720 --> 00:05:20.720 street lights making the sidewalk shimmer, I tried to tell 81 00:05:20.759 --> 00:05:24.040 myself it's a busy season for him. He didn't mean it, 82 00:05:24.560 --> 00:05:28.040 no big deal. But disappointment curled up in my ribs, 83 00:05:28.199 --> 00:05:31.360 and I could already feel the memory of this sitting alone, 84 00:05:31.639 --> 00:05:36.800 the server's hopeful glance clinging unwonted. At home, I kicked 85 00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:39.480 off my shoes in the hallway, abandoned my purse on 86 00:05:39.560 --> 00:05:43.079 the credenza, and wandered the quiet house. It was odd 87 00:05:43.279 --> 00:05:46.360 how the silence made everything else louder. The faint drip 88 00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:49.639 in the sink, the refrigerator humming, the settling creak of 89 00:05:49.680 --> 00:05:52.720 old timber in our bedroom. I stripped to an old 90 00:05:52.759 --> 00:05:57.319 T shirt, crawling into sheets that still smelled like lucas usually. 91 00:05:57.360 --> 00:06:00.240 He texted throughout the night, when he worked late to night. 92 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:04.120 Nothing after the call, I lay staring at the ceiling, 93 00:06:04.439 --> 00:06:08.000 the shadow of our ceiling fan, tracing lazy arcs. You'd 94 00:06:08.000 --> 00:06:10.720 think after seven years, I'd outgrow the first night of 95 00:06:10.759 --> 00:06:14.040 waiting kind of ache. But I replayed his voice the 96 00:06:14.079 --> 00:06:19.399 way he'd sounded, hurried, apologetic, but different than usual, distracted, 97 00:06:19.560 --> 00:06:24.319 maybe even rehearsed. But I kept it to myself, and 98 00:06:24.360 --> 00:06:27.399 I think about us, me and Lucas. The first memory 99 00:06:27.439 --> 00:06:30.040 is never the wedding or the first real trip, or 100 00:06:30.079 --> 00:06:32.240 the years we've pieced together in this house with the 101 00:06:32.279 --> 00:06:35.439 blue door and wild garden. It's the New Year's party, 102 00:06:35.519 --> 00:06:39.120 seven years ago, when Sophie dragged me, promising must see 103 00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:43.399 people watching and spectacular bad wine. Lucas was there, holding 104 00:06:43.439 --> 00:06:47.079 court in the kitchen, not even trying. I remember his laugh, 105 00:06:47.360 --> 00:06:51.079 warm and unguarded, the kind that made everyone lean toward him. 106 00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:56.040 Without realizing I'd come dressed too formally, anxious to impress 107 00:06:56.040 --> 00:06:59.920 Sophie's grad school friends. Lucas came over and asked what 108 00:07:00.120 --> 00:07:04.120 I designed into my outfit, half joking, half flirting, and 109 00:07:04.199 --> 00:07:06.720 I told him about sourcing the necklace from an antique 110 00:07:06.759 --> 00:07:10.319 shop twisting it between my fingers out of habit. I 111 00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:13.639 like how you see things, he said, And when he 112 00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:17.519 explained his work not just architect but guy trying to 113 00:07:17.519 --> 00:07:21.040 sneak good design into ugly strip mouths, it felt like 114 00:07:21.160 --> 00:07:24.879 meeting a proper mirror, someone whose brain was always sketching, 115 00:07:25.240 --> 00:07:29.720 re arranging, aware of the unseen lines beneath things. We 116 00:07:29.759 --> 00:07:32.839 spent all of midnight leaning against the kitchen counter, talking 117 00:07:32.920 --> 00:07:35.519 fonts and cities and what made both of us anxious 118 00:07:35.519 --> 00:07:39.240 about grown up jobs. I remember he spilled cranberry juice 119 00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:43.680 down his shirt, laughing at his own clumsiness, entirely unself conscious. 120 00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:47.160 He kissed me when the crowd was half distracted by fireworks, 121 00:07:47.399 --> 00:07:51.199 the first sweet, daring move. After that, I thought I'd 122 00:07:51.279 --> 00:07:53.959 ruined him for myself by wanting him too much. But 123 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:57.839 two days later the text arrived. Still thinking about how 124 00:07:57.879 --> 00:08:03.120 you solved that wine stain crisis dinner this fried My answer, 125 00:08:03.480 --> 00:08:07.480 only if you're supplying better wine. People say couples fall 126 00:08:07.519 --> 00:08:11.279 into routines, but with Lucas, the routines grew wild, like 127 00:08:11.319 --> 00:08:15.759 our overstuffed garden Saturday mornings, picking out pastries and arguing 128 00:08:15.759 --> 00:08:19.600 about which ones were the most structurally sound debates about movies, 129 00:08:19.879 --> 00:08:23.079 his last minute get up, it's beautiful out let's drive 130 00:08:23.160 --> 00:08:26.839 to the coast, shouts echoing through the doorway. Our energies 131 00:08:26.879 --> 00:08:30.879 always seemed to splice together, his restless, easy bravado, circling 132 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:35.399 my careful, quiet need for plans and symmetry. We bought 133 00:08:35.440 --> 00:08:38.720 this house together, the blued or his deliberate flourish. The 134 00:08:38.720 --> 00:08:42.519 study crammed with both our books, mostly designed, some fiction, 135 00:08:42.919 --> 00:08:46.960 his odd collection of architectural oddities cut from magazines. Most 136 00:08:46.960 --> 00:08:49.440 of our friends said we were the platonic opposites attract 137 00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:54.759 couple him spontaneous, magnetic, me organized, precise, loyal, in need 138 00:08:54.799 --> 00:08:58.519 of reliable ground beneath my feet. He loved crowds and 139 00:08:58.559 --> 00:09:02.200 the surprise of strangers. I preferred dinner parties, the kind 140 00:09:02.279 --> 00:09:06.600 you curated and lit with candles. Work stressed both of us, 141 00:09:06.639 --> 00:09:11.039 but in different ways. Lucas wanted to impress awards, praise 142 00:09:11.360 --> 00:09:14.919 the approval of colleagues who seemed both infuriating and adoring. 143 00:09:15.559 --> 00:09:19.720 I designed digital campaigns. He built spaces, though sometimes he 144 00:09:19.799 --> 00:09:22.879 came home asking does it even matter if the tiles 145 00:09:22.919 --> 00:09:26.039 line up? If everyone just fills their place with Ikea 146 00:09:26.120 --> 00:09:30.320 and leaves. Our plans were to mix our skills. Some 147 00:09:30.480 --> 00:09:33.600 Day he'd design a boutique, I'd run the brand. We'd 148 00:09:33.679 --> 00:09:36.639 make names for ourselves as the help and duo, not 149 00:09:36.879 --> 00:09:41.120 just a couple, a company. Lucas could be maddening, always 150 00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:45.279 later than promised, always hungry for the next distraction, sometimes 151 00:09:45.399 --> 00:09:48.600 terribly careless with the details. But he offered a kind 152 00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:52.120 of faith, a warmth I'd never quite known before. He 153 00:09:52.240 --> 00:09:55.519 was tender, especially at night, and even when we fought, 154 00:09:55.720 --> 00:09:58.000 it was with the assumption that we'd end up curled 155 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:01.600 together under the covers, half way to a joke before sunrise. 156 00:10:02.639 --> 00:10:06.240 The sore spots were predictable. My need for reassurance only 157 00:10:06.279 --> 00:10:09.840 increased by my father's years of absence, his affairs, the 158 00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:14.440 family secrets that still made holidays awkward. Lucas hated letting 159 00:10:14.480 --> 00:10:17.879 people down, especially me, and sometimes it gave him an 160 00:10:17.919 --> 00:10:22.720 unwonted edge performance anxiety when work got bad, a defensive 161 00:10:22.759 --> 00:10:25.440 snap when I pulled away for fear of being left 162 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:30.039 the past year. Lucas's excitement at work always bordered on 163 00:10:30.120 --> 00:10:35.080 brittle bid deadlines, new clients, endless networking, coffee with people 164 00:10:35.080 --> 00:10:38.120 who seemed to offer more career anxiety than help. He 165 00:10:38.200 --> 00:10:43.080 started traveling more increasingly, just one night in Sacramento, quick 166 00:10:43.120 --> 00:10:46.600 overnight to the city. I told myself this was normal, 167 00:10:46.840 --> 00:10:50.279 the price of ambition, the slow toll of pandemic boredom 168 00:10:50.320 --> 00:10:54.919 resolving into striving again. He'd always told me we're a team. 169 00:10:55.279 --> 00:10:57.559 If it ever gets to be too much, we'll adjust, 170 00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:01.399 and I believed him. But over the last few months, 171 00:11:01.519 --> 00:11:04.399 the space between us stretched wider. He was out of 172 00:11:04.399 --> 00:11:08.039 the house more coming home, distracted, sometimes quick to pick 173 00:11:08.080 --> 00:11:12.639 pointless arguments, usually dissolved in a single, sheepish hug. I'd 174 00:11:12.679 --> 00:11:16.279 catch him arms around me at midnight, whispering I'm sorry 175 00:11:16.279 --> 00:11:18.240 I was short. I just want to get us to 176 00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:22.000 the next level. Still, even the apologies started to sound 177 00:11:22.120 --> 00:11:27.120 like borrowed lines from motivational podcasts. The mist anniversary dinner 178 00:11:27.120 --> 00:11:30.080 gnawed at me. Not for its own sake. One lost 179 00:11:30.120 --> 00:11:33.639 dinner is nothing, but it was the abruptness, the unfamiliar, 180 00:11:33.679 --> 00:11:37.240 emptiness's absence, left in ritual, as if our partnership had 181 00:11:37.240 --> 00:11:41.120 become a calendar item he could delete. I reminded myself, 182 00:11:41.440 --> 00:11:45.399 He's always been distracted in spring, always buried under deadlines, 183 00:11:45.919 --> 00:11:49.039 But now It was a distraction, coupled with temper, with 184 00:11:49.080 --> 00:11:52.919 an absented presence I couldn't quite name. I stood in 185 00:11:52.960 --> 00:11:57.639 our kitchen one Saturday afternoon, grinding coffee beans, tracing circles 186 00:11:57.639 --> 00:12:01.960 across the pale marble. Lucas was at the stove, clattering pans, 187 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:07.039 humming some unrecognizable tune. I'm out early tomorrow, he announced, 188 00:12:07.320 --> 00:12:11.000 voice dampened by the sizzle of eggs. Gunna volunteer at 189 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:15.320 the new animal rescue down by Harbor. I almost dropped 190 00:12:15.320 --> 00:12:18.759 the glass. I was drying the animal rescue. I tried 191 00:12:18.799 --> 00:12:23.679 for nonchalance. That's new. He didn't meet my eyes. Scraping 192 00:12:23.759 --> 00:12:27.120 eggs onto a plate. Josh signed me up, said they 193 00:12:27.200 --> 00:12:30.279 needed an extra pair of hands. I dunno. I figured 194 00:12:30.279 --> 00:12:32.720 it could be good, a break from all the stress, 195 00:12:32.960 --> 00:12:37.080 do something that actually matters, you know, I studdied him. 196 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:40.480 Lucas never disliked animals, but he didn't seek them out. 197 00:12:40.879 --> 00:12:43.320 I tried to get him to foster a dog last year. 198 00:12:43.600 --> 00:12:47.240 He'd groaned at the idea of pet hair in his car. Still, 199 00:12:47.559 --> 00:12:50.919 it wasn't impossible. Lucas was the sort who could talk 200 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:53.919 himself into anything if the idea was shiny and new 201 00:12:55.039 --> 00:12:59.919 volunteering amazing, I said, quietly, do you need anything? Gloves, boot, 202 00:13:00.159 --> 00:13:05.000 good karma? He flashed a grin too quick, turning away. No, 203 00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:08.440 s all set. They have everything, just once a week, 204 00:13:08.600 --> 00:13:12.960 No biggie. Later that afternoon, as he wrestled his keys 205 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:16.360 into a jacket, I lingered by the door, text me 206 00:13:16.440 --> 00:13:19.879 when you're done, sure, don't wait up if I'm late. 207 00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:24.519 They sometimes stay after for team pizza. That first Saturday, 208 00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:27.919 he was gone from morning until nearly six. He arrived home, 209 00:13:28.039 --> 00:13:31.320 hair must the faint citrus tang of some hand sanitizer 210 00:13:31.519 --> 00:13:34.360 or something in the air. He dropped his bag on 211 00:13:34.440 --> 00:13:37.639 the table, pecked my cheek, and described a story about 212 00:13:37.679 --> 00:13:40.360 a runaway beagle and the messiest stack of forms you 213 00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:43.639 could imagine. I laughed in the right places, though my 214 00:13:43.799 --> 00:13:46.519 mind ran over the details. He didn't offer who else 215 00:13:46.679 --> 00:13:50.399 was there? What exactly did he do all day? It 216 00:13:50.440 --> 00:13:53.039 felt like too much effort for the easy good deed 217 00:13:53.440 --> 00:13:57.399 out of nowhere. In the evenings, Lucas started taking more 218 00:13:57.480 --> 00:14:00.960 calls on the back patio, pacing, murmuring into his phone 219 00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:06.000 work emergency. He'd mouth at me through the glass, eyes apologetic. 220 00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:09.320 Sometimes I'd hear a woman's laughter through the crack in 221 00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:13.600 the sliding door, but only fleetingly. One night, as we 222 00:14:13.639 --> 00:14:17.679 finished up leftovers, Lucas's phone buzzed, screen lighting up with 223 00:14:17.720 --> 00:14:21.240 a message from MT. I saw it accidentally as he 224 00:14:21.279 --> 00:14:25.320 reached for the salt. The message preview read running late too, 225 00:14:25.720 --> 00:14:29.120 call when you can. He grabbed the phone before the 226 00:14:29.159 --> 00:14:33.080 next ring, thumbed the screen, and excused himself, heading out 227 00:14:33.120 --> 00:14:36.320 to the porch. When he returned, he slipped the phone 228 00:14:36.360 --> 00:14:41.000 into his pocket, smile stiff as cardboard. I told myself 229 00:14:41.039 --> 00:14:45.120 I was being ridiculous. His friends had nicknames, co workers, 230 00:14:45.559 --> 00:14:50.600 contacts always in initials. There were innocent explanations always. I 231 00:14:50.679 --> 00:14:54.000 even wrote that in my journal that night, cursing myself 232 00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:58.279 for the kind of suspicion I hated watching in others. Still, 233 00:14:58.320 --> 00:15:01.879 the next Saturday, Lucas left arl He wore old sneakers, 234 00:15:01.960 --> 00:15:06.360 new jeans, carried an unfamiliar reusable tote, a forest green 235 00:15:06.519 --> 00:15:10.080 canvas bag stamped with a logo I didn't recognize. When 236 00:15:10.120 --> 00:15:13.000 he left, he barely looked at me. Back for dinner, 237 00:15:13.240 --> 00:15:18.279 Love you, he shouted, door slammed, car engine faded. I 238 00:15:18.320 --> 00:15:22.960 spent the morning cleaning rearranging books, scrolling social media with 239 00:15:23.039 --> 00:15:26.320 half an eye on the clock. At noon, I decided 240 00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:30.039 to surprise him, large iced coffee in hand, I drove 241 00:15:30.120 --> 00:15:34.080 the fifteen minutes to the animal rescue. The parking lot 242 00:15:34.159 --> 00:15:38.600 was mostly empty. The building, bright beige and blocky, gaped 243 00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:41.360 open on one side as kennels yawned in the sun. 244 00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:44.360 I walked up to the front desk, the hum of 245 00:15:44.399 --> 00:15:48.399 cleaning machines filtering in from the back. A young woman 246 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:52.799 with blunt cut hair glanced up, brow furrowed, distracted. Can 247 00:15:52.840 --> 00:15:56.440 I help you? She didn't recognize me. I'm looking for 248 00:15:56.559 --> 00:16:00.919 Lucas Halpen. He supposed to be volunteering to day. She 249 00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:03.879 scanned a clip board, shook her head. U h w, 250 00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:06.000 E don't have a Lucas on the roster to day, 251 00:16:06.480 --> 00:16:11.360 just mornings or I shrugged, trying for casual. He said 252 00:16:11.399 --> 00:16:15.240 he'd be here most of the afternoon. Nope, don't think so. 253 00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:18.600 Do you want to leave a note or something? I 254 00:16:18.679 --> 00:16:22.039 stared at the rows of names. No Lucas, no Halpin. 255 00:16:23.080 --> 00:16:26.759 No that's fine, thanks. I turned, coffee growing heavy in 256 00:16:26.799 --> 00:16:29.240 my hand as I slipped back into the sunlight. I 257 00:16:29.279 --> 00:16:31.879 sat in the car ten minutes ticking by, trying to 258 00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:35.840 shape possibilities. He'd switched shifts at the last minute. Maybe 259 00:16:35.840 --> 00:16:38.320 he used a different name, maybe it was another location. 260 00:16:38.879 --> 00:16:41.559 I almost texted him, are you sure you're at Harbor? 261 00:16:41.919 --> 00:16:45.480 But the accusation, implicit and sharp, withered on the screen. 262 00:16:46.559 --> 00:16:50.159 At dinner that night, I decided to ask lightly, how 263 00:16:50.240 --> 00:16:54.240 was the rescue? Lucas jaw tense, stared at his plate 264 00:16:54.279 --> 00:16:58.080 A second too long. Honestly, not for me. Too chaotic. 265 00:16:58.399 --> 00:17:02.399 I'm probably not going back. Something in me wanted to press, 266 00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:05.960 but his tone was already defensive. If you hated it, 267 00:17:06.079 --> 00:17:09.400 that's fine, I said, my own voice, keening higher to 268 00:17:09.480 --> 00:17:13.079 avoid the flat ache underneath. You're allowed to try things 269 00:17:13.079 --> 00:17:17.200 and bail, he exhaled, softer. I just want to do 270 00:17:17.279 --> 00:17:20.880 something right Erin feels like I'm under a microscope lately. 271 00:17:21.920 --> 00:17:24.200 I thought about the notch in his brow, the way 272 00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:28.559 his eyes strayed from mine. No one's watching you, I said, 273 00:17:28.640 --> 00:17:32.839 but it felt like a lie, the walls between us invisible. 274 00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:37.000 All spring now finalized. A week later, at Jess and 275 00:17:37.079 --> 00:17:40.559 Tom's dinner party, I lingered in the dining room, waiting 276 00:17:40.599 --> 00:17:44.599 for water from across the open doorway. I overheard Josh, 277 00:17:44.799 --> 00:17:48.119 one of Lucas's old college pals, drawling at the bar 278 00:17:48.279 --> 00:17:51.400 to another friend. Can't believe Lucas made it out to 279 00:17:51.440 --> 00:17:55.440 the lake this week end after pulling those all nighters legendary. 280 00:17:56.519 --> 00:18:00.119 My mind stuttered the lake. Lucas told me he had 281 00:18:00.119 --> 00:18:04.799 spent Saturday catching up on projects, sketches, mostly at his office. 282 00:18:05.039 --> 00:18:08.079 That night, I casually brought it up in bed, What 283 00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:10.880 did you end up doing Saturday night? I didn't get 284 00:18:10.920 --> 00:18:15.039 your usual pick up something for dinner? Text? He rolled 285 00:18:15.079 --> 00:18:19.160 toward me, eyelids heavy, just work, lost track. Sorry, I 286 00:18:19.240 --> 00:18:24.440 was so checked out, I said nothing. Later, as Lucas showered, 287 00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:28.079 I opened my laptop perused our credit card app. I 288 00:18:28.119 --> 00:18:32.519 recognized the usual gas groceries, a takeout meal, but one 289 00:18:32.640 --> 00:18:36.559 charge stuck out a lakeside cafe twenty minutes from our house. 290 00:18:36.759 --> 00:18:41.119 Time stamped two fifty three p m. Last Saturday. I 291 00:18:41.240 --> 00:18:44.960 closed the app pulse, skittering. I should have asked, should 292 00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:47.240 have snooped, but I didn't want to catch him in 293 00:18:47.279 --> 00:18:50.039 a lie. I wanted him to still be telling the truth. 294 00:18:51.079 --> 00:18:54.039 The knot in my stomach was tight now. I spent 295 00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:58.000 hours replaying the gentle Shifts in his habits, the vagueness 296 00:18:58.000 --> 00:19:02.759 about volunteering, the unexplos absences, the way he seemed distracted 297 00:19:02.839 --> 00:19:05.759 even when pressing into me at night, the new pendulum 298 00:19:05.880 --> 00:19:10.079 swing between affection and coldness, like he was auditioning for intimacy, 299 00:19:10.440 --> 00:19:14.599 not simply living it. Sometimes I'd catch him glancing at 300 00:19:14.599 --> 00:19:19.839 his phone mid conversation, smile flickering nervously. I told myself stories, 301 00:19:20.200 --> 00:19:23.160 Maybe this was what burnout looked like. Maybe he just 302 00:19:23.240 --> 00:19:26.000 needed space. Maybe I was sinking into the kind of 303 00:19:26.039 --> 00:19:29.799 paranoia my mother wallowed in for years, tracking bank statements, 304 00:19:30.039 --> 00:19:34.200 demanding time stamps. God, I hated that memory more than 305 00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:39.680 I could say. Then Sophia stopped by. Sophia, my best friend, 306 00:19:39.839 --> 00:19:43.160 the one who'd introduced us, Always loyal but too diplomatic 307 00:19:43.279 --> 00:19:46.119 for her own good. She arrived with pastries and a 308 00:19:46.200 --> 00:19:49.319 quick hug, and while we chatted about work, I asked, 309 00:19:49.319 --> 00:19:52.920 off handedly, have you seen Lucas around much? You used 310 00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:55.480 to see him when you did yoga at the Harbor Market, right, 311 00:19:56.640 --> 00:20:00.559 Sophia smiled hesitant, Ah, Yeah, I read into him at 312 00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:03.559 the brewery with someone from the office. I think they 313 00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:07.759 seemed in a hurry. I tried not to overreact, focusing 314 00:20:07.799 --> 00:20:11.920 on her face. Who was he with? She bit her lip. 315 00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:14.519 I think her name was Hannah, but I don't know. 316 00:20:14.640 --> 00:20:18.000 Her knew from the animal place. Maybe they left together, 317 00:20:18.079 --> 00:20:21.880 but I don't know. I thought you knew. I smiled, 318 00:20:22.039 --> 00:20:25.359 filled her coffee, Probably just grabbing a drink after the 319 00:20:25.400 --> 00:20:30.640 rescue stuff, I said, pretending my insides weren't shredding. Lucas 320 00:20:30.680 --> 00:20:34.039 grew more affectionate on some nights, holding me tight, kissing 321 00:20:34.039 --> 00:20:37.279 my forehead, murmuring you know I love you, as if 322 00:20:37.359 --> 00:20:41.240 daring me to question. Other times he was abrupt, standoffish, 323 00:20:41.480 --> 00:20:44.720 making excuses to stay late at the office, talking about 324 00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:48.160 competition and deals, his phone always flat in his palm. 325 00:20:48.680 --> 00:20:51.519 He'd bring me flowers one night, ignore my calls the 326 00:20:51.559 --> 00:20:55.240 next one. Evening, Lucas left his phone on the coffee 327 00:20:55.279 --> 00:20:59.480 table while unloading groceries. The screen flickered to life, displaying 328 00:20:59.480 --> 00:21:02.920 a preview photo just a glance, a dog staring up 329 00:21:02.960 --> 00:21:06.160 head cradled by a woman's hand. I recognized neither the 330 00:21:06.200 --> 00:21:09.960 dog nor the hand, Pale, slender fingers, silver ring glinting. 331 00:21:10.440 --> 00:21:13.240 I tapped the screen just instinct I hadn't thought, and 332 00:21:13.319 --> 00:21:17.119 the image enlarged. The background. Wasn't any rescue I'd visited. 333 00:21:17.480 --> 00:21:21.119 It looked like an apartment, rough wood flows, unfamiliar sofa. 334 00:21:22.160 --> 00:21:25.480 Lucas returned, scooping up the phone before I could speak, saying, 335 00:21:25.839 --> 00:21:29.039 you know they send us adoption photos. People like the updates. 336 00:21:29.440 --> 00:21:33.039 He squeezed my shoulder. Look at that face. He pressed 337 00:21:33.079 --> 00:21:36.519 the screen to my eyes. Casual, too casual. The woman's 338 00:21:36.559 --> 00:21:39.279 hand lingered in the frame. Was it just the ring, 339 00:21:39.400 --> 00:21:42.240 a trick of lighting, or was it something more? I 340 00:21:42.240 --> 00:21:47.359 couldn't decide. I began writing things down. Maybe it was childish, 341 00:21:47.400 --> 00:21:50.240 but it helped. In a battered note book tucked into 342 00:21:50.279 --> 00:21:56.440 my closet, I scribbled the oddities, volunteering, then suddenly not volunteering. 343 00:21:57.480 --> 00:22:03.759 Charge at lakeside cafe, unexplained absence, unknown woman, Hannah Brewery's 344 00:22:03.799 --> 00:22:08.240 supply runs, texts, calls at night, m T and some 345 00:22:08.319 --> 00:22:13.920 one else. Photo dog, woman's hand, silver ring. I drew 346 00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:17.960 arrows that didn't always connect, but the pattern grew unmistakable. 347 00:22:18.599 --> 00:22:21.160 Was I looking for signs where there were none? Or 348 00:22:21.279 --> 00:22:24.759 was there a crack in our foundation widening just beyond 349 00:22:24.759 --> 00:22:29.079 the reach of my denial? Lucas doubled down on transparency 350 00:22:29.079 --> 00:22:32.880 around this time. Perhaps sensing my withdrawal, he brought home 351 00:22:32.920 --> 00:22:37.279 take out cooked pasta, made breakfast in bed. One Saturday, 352 00:22:37.319 --> 00:22:41.440 he arrived with sunflowers, which I hate, exclaiming I know 353 00:22:41.559 --> 00:22:44.839 you love these. I smiled, thinking how odd it was 354 00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:47.119 to be gifted the wrong thing by someone who, for 355 00:22:47.240 --> 00:22:51.519 years never made that kind of error. One Thursday, as 356 00:22:51.519 --> 00:22:54.559 I left for the studio, Lucas called after me. I 357 00:22:54.640 --> 00:22:57.640 booked dinner for a Saturday at that new Mexican place, 358 00:22:57.680 --> 00:23:01.039 you kept mentioning. His eyes lingered on me a second 359 00:23:01.119 --> 00:23:06.119 too long, as if daring me to say no. I agreed. Saturday, 360 00:23:06.200 --> 00:23:08.960 I watched as Lucas dressed too nicely for a casual meal, 361 00:23:09.240 --> 00:23:13.640 cologne barely masking ascent. I couldn't place sharp, floury, unfamiliar. 362 00:23:14.119 --> 00:23:17.480 I pretended not to notice, made conversation, drank too much. 363 00:23:18.039 --> 00:23:21.200 At dinner. His phone vibrated twice beneath the table. He 364 00:23:21.319 --> 00:23:25.759 silenced it with practiced ease, smiling too widely. Over dessert, 365 00:23:25.839 --> 00:23:29.359 he talked about his next big project, gesturing grandly, but 366 00:23:29.440 --> 00:23:33.599 his gaze never quite landed. Afterward, I found a receipt 367 00:23:33.599 --> 00:23:37.400 in the car, two lattes and a quassa time stamped 368 00:23:37.440 --> 00:23:40.680 three hours before our dinner from a beistro. I'd never 369 00:23:40.720 --> 00:23:44.079 once heard him mention. When I asked if he'd gone 370 00:23:44.079 --> 00:23:48.359 out that afternoon, Lucas grinned a little forced, just stopped 371 00:23:48.359 --> 00:23:50.599 by to grab you a treat, but they didn't have 372 00:23:50.680 --> 00:23:54.440 that Danish. You like, that's okay, right? He pressed his 373 00:23:54.519 --> 00:23:59.000 hand to my knee. I nodded, let it go. Days 374 00:23:59.079 --> 00:24:02.759 churned past, I tangled through the motions, checking e mails, 375 00:24:02.880 --> 00:24:06.880 coming home late, rehearsing conversations in my mind. Should I 376 00:24:06.920 --> 00:24:10.759 demand explanations or was I already lost? Clinging to the 377 00:24:10.799 --> 00:24:13.799 sinking hull of a partnership that had drifted. On a 378 00:24:13.839 --> 00:24:18.839 particularly sleepless night, I googled coping with partner's distance, rolling 379 00:24:18.880 --> 00:24:22.799 my eyes at the trite advice. One evening, I considered 380 00:24:22.799 --> 00:24:27.039 properly snooping, pass cooed, crack social media, scan the works. 381 00:24:27.519 --> 00:24:30.480 But something in me recoiled. If I crossed that line, 382 00:24:30.640 --> 00:24:33.039 if I truly saw evidence, could I stand up to 383 00:24:33.119 --> 00:24:36.720 it or would I fold? Blaming myself for unraveling us. 384 00:24:37.160 --> 00:24:40.160 I settled for the note book, for passive cataloging, for 385 00:24:40.240 --> 00:24:44.519 waiting to see if dread alone substantiated my fear he 386 00:24:44.559 --> 00:24:48.440 grew more artful with explanations. Sorry, had to swing by 387 00:24:48.440 --> 00:24:52.039 for a supply run, He'd say, keys jangling, or Josh 388 00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:56.039 needed a ride home. Car trouble again. Sometimes for a 389 00:24:56.079 --> 00:24:59.319 few hours, the warmth returned, the old Lucas, who tackle 390 00:24:59.400 --> 00:25:02.640 me playfully the living room, or invent a new inside 391 00:25:02.759 --> 00:25:06.599 joke about the neighbor's weirdly groomed hedges. The whiplash made 392 00:25:06.640 --> 00:25:11.559 me dizzy. One sunny afternoon, six weeks after our mist anniversary, 393 00:25:11.839 --> 00:25:15.160 Lucas brought in the mail. He stacked bills and fliers, 394 00:25:15.359 --> 00:25:20.000 pausing on an envelope scrawled with looping handwriting. AH, wrong address, 395 00:25:20.240 --> 00:25:23.680 he said, tossing it aside. The sender was H. Cramer, 396 00:25:24.119 --> 00:25:28.000 same initial as the woman Sophia mentioned. I filed it away, 397 00:25:28.240 --> 00:25:32.559 more evidence for myself. A Friday night, at the dinner table, 398 00:25:32.839 --> 00:25:37.359 something finally snapped. Lucas spoke about work, his nerves about 399 00:25:37.359 --> 00:25:40.640 an upcoming pitch, his irritation with a client who couldn't 400 00:25:40.720 --> 00:25:45.400 visualize anything except their own anxiety. I tuned in and out, 401 00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:49.559