WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.120 It was past midnight when the house finally felt quite 2 00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:07.839 Not the kind of peace were quiet that you welcome, 3 00:00:07.960 --> 00:00:11.240 but that heavy urban late night hush. The heating pipes 4 00:00:11.240 --> 00:00:13.439 clicked in the walls, a few muffled horns filtered through 5 00:00:13.439 --> 00:00:15.640 the cracked windows from the Gold Coast traffic, and the 6 00:00:15.640 --> 00:00:18.160 ice in my water glass takes that melted down the side. 7 00:00:18.600 --> 00:00:21.600 I should have been asleep, Instead, I was in sweats 8 00:00:21.600 --> 00:00:24.399 on the living room couch, hunched over my laptop, forcing 9 00:00:24.399 --> 00:00:26.519 myself through the final tweaks of a quarterly pitch deck 10 00:00:26.559 --> 00:00:28.960 that was due by nine the next morning. I let 11 00:00:28.960 --> 00:00:31.440 the stranger Playliss Tom under my headphones, half listening for 12 00:00:31.480 --> 00:00:34.600 the next sly transition. Across the dark hallway, A sliver 13 00:00:34.719 --> 00:00:36.479 of yellow light spilled beneath the door of the little 14 00:00:36.520 --> 00:00:38.640 studied one with a glass pane door we never got 15 00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:41.000 around to replacing. I could hear the low buzz of 16 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:44.679 Hannah's voice, sometimes animated, sometimes soft, fading in and out 17 00:00:44.719 --> 00:00:47.159 above the gentle were of their purifire. She insisted on 18 00:00:47.240 --> 00:00:50.079 running during a deep work. Every so often, a sudden 19 00:00:50.119 --> 00:00:52.560 ripple of laughter would echo out, a real laugh, higher 20 00:00:52.560 --> 00:00:55.960 in her register than her default. A professional giggle. At first, 21 00:00:55.960 --> 00:00:57.759 I tuned it out, chalking it up to another late 22 00:00:57.840 --> 00:01:01.600 night conference call lately that was becoming routine. Late focus 23 00:01:01.719 --> 00:01:04.560 locked away. She texted around nine to warn me not 24 00:01:04.640 --> 00:01:06.519 to wait up for dinner, promising she'd make it up 25 00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:09.760 by the weekend. I shrugged, ordered rawm and answered a 26 00:01:09.799 --> 00:01:12.519 few emails and cut into my own backock. But a 27 00:01:12.640 --> 00:01:14.799 round one I needed a break and let myself listen 28 00:01:14.799 --> 00:01:18.879 more closely. Her laugh stopped me in place. She was teasing, 29 00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:21.239 not just responding, teasing the way she does with friend. 30 00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:24.920 After two glasses of wine, I heard her say, come on, Sunbeam, 31 00:01:24.959 --> 00:01:28.680 you can't be serious. The words hung in the air, warm, intimate, 32 00:01:28.719 --> 00:01:30.120 in a way that didn't fit with the hanna I 33 00:01:30.200 --> 00:01:33.359 glimpsed lately, who had been exhausted and withdrawn. I froze 34 00:01:33.359 --> 00:01:36.599 at the words sunbeam. I tried flipping back through my memory. 35 00:01:36.760 --> 00:01:39.599 Some old friend, maybe not a name i'd ever heard 36 00:01:39.599 --> 00:01:41.719 her use, certainly not for any of the friends or 37 00:01:41.760 --> 00:01:45.319 family I knew. My brain started buzzing with half formed suspicions, 38 00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:47.959 but I brushed it aside. Maybe she was quoting some 39 00:01:48.000 --> 00:01:50.640 one from earlier story and inside joke I didn't remember 40 00:01:51.400 --> 00:01:53.799 I waited longer, this time for her to say something 41 00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:58.280 that would clarify. Another laugh, softer, more private, And then 42 00:01:58.519 --> 00:02:00.560 just as quickly the tone shifted, Her voice stripped down, 43 00:02:00.640 --> 00:02:03.719 quieter and sharper. I heard her say hold on. Then 44 00:02:03.719 --> 00:02:05.640 footsteps crossed the wood as I got up and padded 45 00:02:05.640 --> 00:02:08.319 towards the study, my hand landing on the half open door, 46 00:02:08.479 --> 00:02:11.680 gently pushing it wider. She was perched forward at the desk, 47 00:02:11.800 --> 00:02:15.080 laptop camera angled up her, but in not noticing at first, 48 00:02:15.800 --> 00:02:18.199 her face shifted instantly from whatever she'd been enjoying to 49 00:02:18.199 --> 00:02:20.560 a sort of practiced, put together mask, the one she 50 00:02:20.680 --> 00:02:23.599 used when stepping from a design review into a networking dinner. 51 00:02:24.199 --> 00:02:26.680 She snapped the laptop shut, slipped the ebbit wires off, 52 00:02:26.840 --> 00:02:30.599 and turned to me, her eyes a little wide, almost irritated. Hey, 53 00:02:30.840 --> 00:02:33.360 I didn't realize you were up, she said, her voice quick, 54 00:02:33.439 --> 00:02:36.919 almost scolding. Did you need something? I loitered in the door, 55 00:02:37.080 --> 00:02:41.120 suddenly self conscious for having interrupted, just grabbing more water. Alied, 56 00:02:41.879 --> 00:02:44.479 you're still at it. She drew a breath and tucked 57 00:02:44.520 --> 00:02:47.439 loose hair behind her ear. Yeah, Cameron and I are 58 00:02:47.439 --> 00:02:49.680 closing out some sight plants. He's the new partner on 59 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:52.120 the Kenilworth project. Sorry if I was loud, she added, 60 00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:54.719 switching smoothly to this Suta, familiar tone she used when 61 00:02:54.719 --> 00:02:57.599 she wanted to reset the mood. Long day hot, Did 62 00:02:57.599 --> 00:03:00.280 I miss anything crazy at the agency? She I did 63 00:03:00.319 --> 00:03:03.000 the conversation back to my side, asking about the pitch deck, 64 00:03:03.360 --> 00:03:06.879 pretending total interest. She smiled and rolled her chair back, 65 00:03:07.080 --> 00:03:09.759 motioning me in joking about my serious power point face. 66 00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:12.599 It was so seamless her pivot from private to domestic 67 00:03:12.719 --> 00:03:15.120 that for a moment, I almost felt guilty for being irritated. 68 00:03:15.719 --> 00:03:18.199 We talked about dinner, something about how she was starving, 69 00:03:18.360 --> 00:03:21.400 but I let her lead. As always, we fell into polite, 70 00:03:21.560 --> 00:03:24.639 well worn habits, the daily chick in a few scattered anecdotes. 71 00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:27.560 Eventually I left her to her last emails and I 72 00:03:27.599 --> 00:03:31.080 told myself to focus on my own task. Space was important. 73 00:03:31.759 --> 00:03:34.520 We both needed it. We want the couple who snooped 74 00:03:34.520 --> 00:03:37.000 on each other's messages or cared about each other's impulses. 75 00:03:37.039 --> 00:03:40.360 With friends still lying in bed and the Chicago knight 76 00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:42.919 peeking through the city shade. I replayed this tiny details, 77 00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:45.319 the throne voice, the nickname, the softest in her laughter, 78 00:03:45.439 --> 00:03:48.960 the flicker of annoyance before the practiced reassurance. Something just 79 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:51.840 for a moment felt off, and it wouldn't stop nagging 80 00:03:51.879 --> 00:03:55.000 at me, not even after exhaustion finally won out. The 81 00:03:55.080 --> 00:03:57.599 thing is doubt, sneaks, and from odd angles. The places 82 00:03:57.599 --> 00:03:59.599 that should make you feel safer come the ones you question. 83 00:04:00.280 --> 00:04:01.840 I used to think Anna and I were immune to 84 00:04:01.879 --> 00:04:03.840 that sort of drama. The ways on couples just are. 85 00:04:04.439 --> 00:04:06.800 The first three years living in the little one bedroom 86 00:04:06.840 --> 00:04:08.680 up in Lincoln Park, it felt like the rest of 87 00:04:08.719 --> 00:04:10.520 the world might as well have been orbiting for all 88 00:04:10.560 --> 00:04:13.120 we cared. I'd wake up on Sundays to find her 89 00:04:13.159 --> 00:04:14.919 standing at the stove in her faded ye of our 90 00:04:14.960 --> 00:04:17.360 T shirt, had knotted up, picking through markets on her 91 00:04:17.399 --> 00:04:20.639 phone for whatever brunch special she just discovered. More often 92 00:04:20.639 --> 00:04:24.000 thannaw brunches turned into lazy, tipsy afternoons at jazz showcase 93 00:04:24.040 --> 00:04:26.120 or reading menus at whatever pop up Jamie and pre 94 00:04:26.279 --> 00:04:28.959 insisted was a mustry. Even when we moved to the 95 00:04:28.959 --> 00:04:31.959 big new apartment to open floor plan colossy appliances that 96 00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:34.120 sky line view, people went sluck Jeorde for. We kept 97 00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:36.439 up the habit people weren't and out of our place 98 00:04:36.480 --> 00:04:40.160 every other weekend. Our fridge was covered with friends, party photos, 99 00:04:40.199 --> 00:04:43.319 sticky notes from pre about wine perrings, neon wristbands from 100 00:04:43.360 --> 00:04:46.079 Cubs games, and side jokes about Jamie's inability to cook 101 00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:50.040 anything beyond toast. Everyone seemed to root for us. We 102 00:04:50.040 --> 00:04:52.800 were at the couple competitive about board games, always one 103 00:04:52.879 --> 00:04:55.360 uping each other on recommendations, the ones who could hold 104 00:04:55.360 --> 00:04:57.199 their liquor and keep the band of flying long after 105 00:04:57.240 --> 00:05:00.160 other couples were treated to ebers. Our group had their 106 00:05:00.199 --> 00:05:03.040 own orbit. Priya and Jamie, the newlyweds Dug who switched 107 00:05:03.079 --> 00:05:05.319 jobs every six months but still managed to know every 108 00:05:05.360 --> 00:05:08.600 bartender from here to Lakeview. Hannah was always the magnetic one. 109 00:05:08.639 --> 00:05:10.680 Her energy all lit up when the wine started to flow. 110 00:05:10.759 --> 00:05:13.160 Quietly confident in a way only certain people manage, eager 111 00:05:13.160 --> 00:05:15.199 to be in the center, but equally insistent on sharing 112 00:05:15.279 --> 00:05:18.120 nothing she didn't want to. She'd whispered private jokes in 113 00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:20.279 my ear, or flash a sly smile across the table 114 00:05:20.279 --> 00:05:22.199 that made me feel like I understood a real story 115 00:05:22.240 --> 00:05:25.160 behind whatever she was saying publicly. I always liked it 116 00:05:25.199 --> 00:05:26.600 about her that she could be at the center of 117 00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:29.040 the group and somehow still more mine than anyone else's. 118 00:05:29.680 --> 00:05:32.000 Our dynamic work because I didn't need the spotlight. I 119 00:05:32.040 --> 00:05:35.079 found comfort in the rhythm of our routines every Wednesday, 120 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:38.720 movie night, Friday's dinner out, brunch at our place, or 121 00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:41.959 her friends on Sunday. She tolerated my obsession with running, 122 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:44.240 even paced with me once for the Shamrock Shuffle while 123 00:05:44.240 --> 00:05:47.199 complaining the hallway. I tried to keep up with her career, 124 00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:49.040 of the late night's gesches on the dining table, the 125 00:05:49.120 --> 00:05:51.439 rolled up blue prints, the stress stories about clients who 126 00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:54.560 wanted open concert without paying for it. We were ambitious, 127 00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:56.879 not so much competing, more like two people running at 128 00:05:56.879 --> 00:06:00.399 the same speed on different tracks. Whenever she landed pitch, 129 00:06:00.519 --> 00:06:03.480 we'd toast to it. Whenever I nailed a campaign, she'd 130 00:06:03.480 --> 00:06:06.199 asked to see the social insights, pretending to be interested 131 00:06:06.199 --> 00:06:09.120 even when her mind was clearly designing something three steps ahead. 132 00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:12.920 Our trust wasn't something spoken aloud, It just was. There 133 00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:15.480 were always small secrets, but they were thrilling, hidden prisons, 134 00:06:15.519 --> 00:06:17.759 surprise outings. A time I planned her birthday week and 135 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:20.079 pretended I'd forgotten, only for her to top me the 136 00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:22.120 next year with a roof out party and never so coming. 137 00:06:22.720 --> 00:06:25.279 If anything, Mayan's curity had always been about not quite 138 00:06:25.319 --> 00:06:28.720 matching her. Her work drive her prisons. Sometimes after she 139 00:06:28.759 --> 00:06:31.360 finished a midnight deadline, she'd stumble into bed and be 140 00:06:31.399 --> 00:06:34.360 asleep in seconds, while I'd lie awake wondering if I 141 00:06:34.439 --> 00:06:36.800 was doing enough, if I was enough. But that was 142 00:06:36.839 --> 00:06:39.560 my own internal weather, nothing to do with her. She 143 00:06:39.639 --> 00:06:42.720 hated talking about failure. Whenever she lost a pitch or 144 00:06:42.759 --> 00:06:45.000 had a brutal architect client review, she'd close up for 145 00:06:45.040 --> 00:06:47.519 a while, but then bounce back quick with the joke 146 00:06:47.560 --> 00:06:50.399 about design drama. The rare times we did fight, it 147 00:06:50.480 --> 00:06:52.000 was always over time when she'd be gone for a 148 00:06:52.040 --> 00:06:54.399 week on a sight visit, were when I'd overcommit to work. 149 00:06:55.079 --> 00:06:57.560 The fights were intense, but quick, ending with awkward silences, 150 00:06:57.639 --> 00:07:02.319 orterior apologies, and then we'd move right back into our orbit. Secrets, 151 00:07:02.399 --> 00:07:04.839 even the harmless kind had always been a joke between us. 152 00:07:05.600 --> 00:07:08.199 She'd bring up surprise tickets without telling me I'd pan 153 00:07:08.279 --> 00:07:11.199 an anniversary gift three months early. It added a sense 154 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:14.279 of mistury, never threat. What would I ever have to 155 00:07:14.279 --> 00:07:19.079 worry about until maybe now? Because the truth is, until recently, 156 00:07:19.160 --> 00:07:21.319 I never thought twice about her evenings in the office, 157 00:07:21.360 --> 00:07:24.000 the overnight blueprints, the client meetings that brown late because 158 00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:26.199 she always came home to me eventually curled up against 159 00:07:26.240 --> 00:07:28.240 me with cold feet, and an update on some expensive 160 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:31.519 mishap at the firm. But then this new project there, 161 00:07:31.560 --> 00:07:35.680 Kennilworth thing with its all hours demands, and more importantly, Cameron, 162 00:07:35.720 --> 00:07:38.120 her new project partner, that she dropped into conversation with 163 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:41.480 the same casualness as the weather. Cameron's name began standing 164 00:07:41.480 --> 00:07:43.879 in for all our misfriend's dinners, a project that kept 165 00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:46.319 her buzzing at odd hours, the high profile job that 166 00:07:46.399 --> 00:07:49.639 became her shield against everything else. Little by little, the 167 00:07:49.680 --> 00:07:52.240 stability that once felt so unshakeable started to look more 168 00:07:52.360 --> 00:07:54.439 like drift, like a pattern she could step away from 169 00:07:54.439 --> 00:07:57.199 and into a hundred late nights. She never explained it 170 00:07:57.319 --> 00:07:59.519 used to feel so reassuring to have routines, her family 171 00:07:59.519 --> 00:08:01.959 closed by advanced in the steady upward climb of both 172 00:08:01.959 --> 00:08:05.480 our jobs our easy network of friends. Now I wasn't 173 00:08:05.480 --> 00:08:08.879 sure when comfort had become complacency. When ed she started 174 00:08:08.920 --> 00:08:11.920 using other people's names as shields. When did we become 175 00:08:11.920 --> 00:08:15.120 a question mark? I couldn't quite finish. We were good together, 176 00:08:15.800 --> 00:08:18.319 we were a team. So when did I start feeling 177 00:08:18.360 --> 00:08:21.519 left behind? That Wednesday, Hannah texted at five to say 178 00:08:21.600 --> 00:08:24.480 she wouldn't be hum for dinner again U Saturdays standing 179 00:08:24.480 --> 00:08:26.959 dinner with pri and Jamie at Revival Food Hall was 180 00:08:26.959 --> 00:08:30.360 supposed to be the week's highlight. Instead, Hannah left a 181 00:08:30.399 --> 00:08:33.120 voice memo, sorry, babe, swamp Kenna was client fluent and 182 00:08:33.159 --> 00:08:36.240 its gotten nuts. Please apologize to Prey and Jamie. She 183 00:08:36.399 --> 00:08:39.360 tacked on a soft rain check promise, love you, Prey. 184 00:08:39.360 --> 00:08:42.600 You texted me an hour later with a screenshot everything okay. 185 00:08:42.639 --> 00:08:45.120 She canceled last week the same exact message, hope she's 186 00:08:45.159 --> 00:08:48.080 not burning out. Her concern was real. She never liked 187 00:08:48.120 --> 00:08:50.799 being brushed off twice in a row, especially not by Hannah, 188 00:08:50.879 --> 00:08:53.639 who gave her almost the exact same wording before pre 189 00:08:53.720 --> 00:08:55.840 I thrive. When planning in detail, her radar was keen 190 00:08:55.919 --> 00:08:59.080 for when things stopped adding up. I read Hannah's messages, 191 00:08:59.159 --> 00:09:01.360 hearing her voice in my I had measured slightly rushed 192 00:09:01.399 --> 00:09:04.960 the edge of apology, perfectly modulated. Was it possible she 193 00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:08.480 was just overwhelmed? Nothing sneaky at all. A high profile 194 00:09:08.480 --> 00:09:11.519 project could eat your life for months. Still, I felt 195 00:09:11.519 --> 00:09:14.039 the questions saddle behind my ribs. Was she being honest? 196 00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:17.399 Were just managing me as one more counter slot to negotiate. 197 00:09:18.080 --> 00:09:20.559 Hannah came home late that night, not entirely haggard the 198 00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:23.279 way I expected. Her hair was done up, make up 199 00:09:23.320 --> 00:09:26.600 faded but deliberate, clothes fresh. She dropped her bag in 200 00:09:26.600 --> 00:09:28.840 the hallway and smiled a flick over real warm. But 201 00:09:28.879 --> 00:09:31.000 the moment I said I counseled plans for her, she 202 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:33.679 blinked and looked away, half mumbing something about next time 203 00:09:34.320 --> 00:09:39.399 did you eat? I asked? She nodded, grab sushi with Cameron. 204 00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:41.559 He wanted to walk through the plans one more time. 205 00:09:42.159 --> 00:09:45.360 Something odd. She seemed almost energetic, not drained or defeated 206 00:09:45.360 --> 00:09:47.519 the way she used to be after back to back deadlines. 207 00:09:48.159 --> 00:09:50.399 In the kitchen, as she entered her tote, I noticed 208 00:09:50.399 --> 00:09:52.960 a small bottle tucked into the side, expensive, heavy glass, 209 00:09:53.039 --> 00:09:56.759 muted branding. I picked it up, sniffed the cap, unfamiliar, spicy, 210 00:09:56.960 --> 00:10:01.159 somehow not quite her usual subtle perfumes. I held it up, unissent. 211 00:10:01.919 --> 00:10:03.960 She laughed, not the warm laugh from the phone, but 212 00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:08.360 the polite, performative one. Though God no, Cameron's built colonne 213 00:10:08.360 --> 00:10:10.480 all over my files. The whole office smelt like a 214 00:10:10.480 --> 00:10:13.840 men's locker room. Charming, I said, placing the bottle down. 215 00:10:14.399 --> 00:10:16.919 As she turned away. I saw her joe clench just 216 00:10:16.960 --> 00:10:19.879 for a second. That night, when we slid into bed, 217 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:22.519 she kept to her side, scrolling through emails on her phone. 218 00:10:22.919 --> 00:10:25.399 When I reached over, just a gentle touch to her arm, 219 00:10:25.440 --> 00:10:27.519 she flinched, only slightly, but enough that the sheep between 220 00:10:27.600 --> 00:10:30.399 us suddenly felt like a wall. She offered a distracted 221 00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:33.279 a night, babe, and turned out the light. I gathered 222 00:10:33.279 --> 00:10:37.159 myself tightly, feeling the silent stretch. Wide lying awake, I 223 00:10:37.240 --> 00:10:40.759 interrogated myself. Was I becoming one of those guys, jealous, suspicious, 224 00:10:41.320 --> 00:10:43.559 desperate to catch my wife in something as mondane as 225 00:10:43.600 --> 00:10:46.559 changing her routine? Was I losing her? Or just losing 226 00:10:46.600 --> 00:10:49.559 track of how a marriage growster's dress. People change when 227 00:10:49.559 --> 00:10:53.399 they succeed, right, Some couples thrive on long periods of distance. 228 00:10:54.039 --> 00:10:56.080 Yet the phone call, with the sunbeam, the cologne, the 229 00:10:56.159 --> 00:10:58.279 changed mood, her sudden retreat from friends, all of it 230 00:10:58.320 --> 00:11:02.360 snaked around my thoughts, gilt pressed in. I told myself 231 00:11:02.399 --> 00:11:04.919 to trust her, After all, what else were six years 232 00:11:04.919 --> 00:11:07.639 supposed to buy you two weeks trickled by thick with 233 00:11:07.720 --> 00:11:10.240 late nights both at work in at home, Hannah was 234 00:11:10.240 --> 00:11:13.519 barely at presence, stitching herself into her projects, apologizing with 235 00:11:13.559 --> 00:11:17.519 practice calm. I started picking up the domestic slack groceries, dishes, 236 00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:19.960 paying bales, acting as point of contact for our group 237 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:23.120 messages and her family. When she went off grid one night, 238 00:11:23.320 --> 00:11:25.639 wanting to do something nice, I texted her at eight 239 00:11:25.720 --> 00:11:29.440 asking if she wanted to take out. No reply. By nine, 240 00:11:29.480 --> 00:11:31.240 I packed up two bowls of posta and moored the 241 00:11:31.240 --> 00:11:34.799 four blocks to her office. Downtown was mostly empty by then. 242 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:38.200 A few calves and delivery by sweaving through paddles. Her 243 00:11:38.200 --> 00:11:41.600 firm occupied three stories, all glass panels and modular furniture. 244 00:11:42.159 --> 00:11:44.879 The lights were bright on the night, panoramic windows framing 245 00:11:44.919 --> 00:11:47.960 the lake in darkness. I buzzed up, announced myself at 246 00:11:47.960 --> 00:11:50.440 reception a Hay just surprising my wife with dinner. She's 247 00:11:50.440 --> 00:11:52.960 in Kenilworth product and rode up with leequ impost cup 248 00:11:53.000 --> 00:11:56.240 in my hands, feeling more boyfriend than husband. Hannah was 249 00:11:56.240 --> 00:11:58.559 in the corner conference room, papers spread everywhere, at a 250 00:11:58.559 --> 00:12:00.320 set of models taking up most of the time table. 251 00:12:00.919 --> 00:12:04.000 She looked up startled. Next to her stood Cameron, a 252 00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:06.879 couple years younger at most Joeline. You see ensued AD's 253 00:12:07.039 --> 00:12:10.720 dark hair falling over his forehead, wearing sneakers with his blazer. 254 00:12:11.240 --> 00:12:13.399 He smiled immediately, a kind of curisper. You don't have 255 00:12:13.440 --> 00:12:16.320 to fake, Hey, Jack, we're just about done here. You 256 00:12:16.360 --> 00:12:20.000 bring sustenance, hammeron, grinned stepping aside so I could find 257 00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:22.639 a spot at the table. Yeah, thought you could use 258 00:12:22.679 --> 00:12:26.120 something that's not delivery, so she I said, Searching Hannah's 259 00:12:26.159 --> 00:12:30.039 face for a reaction, she nodded, her expression tense, lips tight. 260 00:12:30.679 --> 00:12:33.559 You didn't have to You should have texted, she paused, 261 00:12:33.639 --> 00:12:37.080 her eyes flicking rapidly between me and Cameron. Cameron, for 262 00:12:37.159 --> 00:12:39.440 his part, seemed to home, cracking quick jokes about varcat 263 00:12:39.440 --> 00:12:41.559 at Cobbs, glancing at Hanna in a way I've felt off, 264 00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:43.919 like there was a silent conversation running beneath the banter. 265 00:12:44.559 --> 00:12:47.039 She laughed at two things I didn't understand, biting her 266 00:12:47.120 --> 00:12:48.720 lit the way she used to when she wanted me 267 00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:51.799 to know she was only pretending. I lighted fifteen minutes, 268 00:12:51.840 --> 00:12:54.279 offering a ficialo comments there made my exit feeling like 269 00:12:54.320 --> 00:12:57.480 a substitute teacher in my own marriage. As I walked out, 270 00:12:57.480 --> 00:13:00.799 I caught Cameron's voice, see you tomorrow, sunbeam light of hand, 271 00:13:00.879 --> 00:13:03.679 as if he wasn't even diking back in the elevator. 272 00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:06.799 My mind picked about every detail. Maybe it was a word, 273 00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:10.720 office nickname, an architectural and joke it had never been mine, 274 00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:13.600 and Hannah's eyebrows forward, a mouth press and a tutline. 275 00:13:13.639 --> 00:13:16.360 She preferred not to explain. Over the next week, the 276 00:13:16.360 --> 00:13:19.639 evidence didn't go away. I noticed Hanna's routines, mut hating. 277 00:13:19.679 --> 00:13:22.600 Her friend was always on silent set, face down during meals, 278 00:13:22.720 --> 00:13:25.679 rarely more than an arm's length away. She spent longer 279 00:13:25.720 --> 00:13:28.240 picking out fits each morning. She is I didn't recognize 280 00:13:28.240 --> 00:13:31.039 her hair styled with more intention. When I asked about it, 281 00:13:31.080 --> 00:13:33.519 she brushed it off. A big client, eh, you know 282 00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:38.080 how it is, She barely replied to group textan and more, 283 00:13:38.120 --> 00:13:40.600 sometimes a half hearted thumbs up or a long hours late. 284 00:13:41.320 --> 00:13:44.200 At first, friends jerked about how intense her new project 285 00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:46.679 must be. But when she missed Jamie's birth the happy 286 00:13:46.679 --> 00:13:48.919 hour with the generic apology, he commented, she seemed to 287 00:13:48.919 --> 00:13:51.799 off lost time, not just tied, almost like distracted I 288 00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:54.679 asked about work, and she started talking about efficiency metrics 289 00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:57.799 instead of real life. I suggested a weekend in Michigan's 290 00:13:57.799 --> 00:14:01.840 something to clear our heads, maybe even Reacon. Hannah looked annoyed. 291 00:14:02.559 --> 00:14:04.960 Now is literally the worst time, Jake. I just need 292 00:14:04.960 --> 00:14:07.559 to get through this month. Please stop adding stuff. I 293 00:14:07.639 --> 00:14:10.440 tried a movie night at home. She agreed, but spent 294 00:14:10.480 --> 00:14:13.480 half the movie answering emails. Feet called away, apologizing with 295 00:14:13.480 --> 00:14:15.679 a tone that closed the conversation before I could try 296 00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:18.679 another morning, I was sorting the mail and found and 297 00:14:18.679 --> 00:14:20.879 you were receiding the recycling printed in a rush, the 298 00:14:20.960 --> 00:14:23.399 name Hannah at the top. The ride was from a 299 00:14:23.399 --> 00:14:25.519 bar in Bucktant a hotel near Navy Pier. No one 300 00:14:25.600 --> 00:14:27.559 near her office, no one near any of her listed 301 00:14:27.559 --> 00:14:31.080 clients sites. When I asked about it, half jokingly, she shrugged, 302 00:14:31.759 --> 00:14:34.360 dropped off a junior designer. After drinks, people get too 303 00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:36.960 tipsy and you have to babysit. She didn't look up 304 00:14:36.960 --> 00:14:39.720 from her phone. I didn't press. Part of loving someone 305 00:14:39.720 --> 00:14:42.919 meant believing the version they offered. Yet I started noticing 306 00:14:42.960 --> 00:14:45.600 little trimmers numbers on our credit card statement that didn't 307 00:14:45.600 --> 00:14:48.159 add up. Flowers delivered on week days or restaurant. I'd 308 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:51.519 never been to client. Thank you, she smiled, waving it off. 309 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:54.519 Family dinner with Hannah's parents in a vancon was another 310 00:14:54.519 --> 00:14:58.559 clear the sort I wouldn't notice accept in context. Her mother, Martha, 311 00:14:58.639 --> 00:15:01.000 who believed herself a keeper of all things practical, grill 312 00:15:01.039 --> 00:15:04.000 Hannah about her hours. You're really working her, aren't you? 313 00:15:04.159 --> 00:15:07.159 And Cameron he's as brilliant as you say. Hannah smiled, 314 00:15:07.159 --> 00:15:10.559 but didn't elaborate. I've realized she talked about Cameron to 315 00:15:10.559 --> 00:15:13.279 her family, describing the long hours their team work as 316 00:15:13.279 --> 00:15:16.279 though rehearsing an explanation for any absentee moments in advance. 317 00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:20.159 Diner ended awkwardly. I tried to update her dad about 318 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:22.519 my work, but how ir retreated to scrolling for images 319 00:15:22.559 --> 00:15:25.960 of city projects, verily making eye contact with any one. 320 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:28.759 Sunday night, the group throwd pinged about Prixa's birthday plans. 321 00:15:29.360 --> 00:15:32.759 Hannah's reply came three hours later, Sorry working late, maybe 322 00:15:32.799 --> 00:15:36.600 next time. No embellishment, just a need clipped out, Priya 323 00:15:36.679 --> 00:15:38.679 texted me privately. Is she mad at me? Or just 324 00:15:38.759 --> 00:15:42.080 driving in work? One night, walking past the bathroom, I 325 00:15:42.120 --> 00:15:44.600 heard Hanna on the phone once again. Too warm too cautious, 326 00:15:44.679 --> 00:15:48.159 voice pitched down. I paused, out of sight. She ended 327 00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:50.639 the call fast, this time, the silence so abruptly questioned 328 00:15:50.639 --> 00:15:53.600 whether I'd imagine the affection in her voice. These weren't 329 00:15:53.600 --> 00:15:57.080 smoking guns, nothing that couldn't have passed for ordinary, explainable adults. Stress, 330 00:15:57.720 --> 00:16:01.440 but the weight of everything built slow but relentless. Dinners deferred, laughter, 331 00:16:01.480 --> 00:16:04.759 replaced by tension, polite conversations that circle necessity is out 332 00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:08.759 of connection, intimacy duld. We grew physically polite to peck 333 00:16:08.759 --> 00:16:11.000 on the cheek rather than a real kiss. Excuses about 334 00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:14.759 being tired. Meetings in the morning, jokes landed with false laughter. 335 00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:17.559 Night in bed felt more like silent truces than reunions. 336 00:16:18.240 --> 00:16:21.759 I began doubting myself. Maybe I was being too high maintenance, 337 00:16:21.759 --> 00:16:24.200 cling to what we used to have. Maybe she was 338 00:16:24.279 --> 00:16:26.639 just growing, not out of love, but away from routine. 339 00:16:27.159 --> 00:16:29.919 I questioned if I was young enough to keep her interested, interesting, 340 00:16:29.960 --> 00:16:33.519 even worth missing work for. Yet, sometimes at night I'd 341 00:16:33.519 --> 00:16:35.759 wander into the living room and stare at our wedding photo, 342 00:16:36.519 --> 00:16:39.320 us on the riverwalk, city blur fading into sunshine, arms 343 00:16:39.320 --> 00:16:42.240 around each other mid laugh, I could remember the weather 344 00:16:42.360 --> 00:16:44.399 the streak of wine spill on her dress. She decided 345 00:16:44.440 --> 00:16:47.519 to ignore it. Seemed like a different life wishuring everything 346 00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:51.639 was easy expected. When did that shift? When did lighting 347 00:16:51.639 --> 00:16:53.759 each other and turn into a series of closed doors? 348 00:16:54.440 --> 00:16:56.399 After ten days of letting my death's pile up, I 349 00:16:56.399 --> 00:16:59.360 finally work up the courage to talk. Not an interrogation, 350 00:16:59.639 --> 00:17:02.080 not an accusation, just a hey, this is weird. Right 351 00:17:02.240 --> 00:17:04.599 on a night when she came home before ten, I 352 00:17:04.599 --> 00:17:07.920 stled wine, tried to keep a casual almost joking. So 353 00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:10.680 Cameron's getting you into all the hot spots now or 354 00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:14.559 just running you rugged? I teased. She glanced at me sharply, 355 00:17:14.640 --> 00:17:17.720 then softened, dropping on to the couch beside me. Honestly, 356 00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:20.480 is exhausting. He's dealing with a nightmare divorce right now, 357 00:17:20.480 --> 00:17:22.680 and I sort of became his default confidante. I know 358 00:17:22.759 --> 00:17:24.839 it looks like a lot, but it's just been heavy. 359 00:17:24.880 --> 00:17:28.000 He's leaning on me, maybe more than he should. I pause. 360 00:17:28.759 --> 00:17:32.000 Are you okay with that? She exhaled, staring at her hands. 361 00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:35.519 I know it's been weird. I've been distant. I'm sorry, truly, 362 00:17:35.640 --> 00:17:37.799 I think I needed to feel like I was fixing something, 363 00:17:37.880 --> 00:17:40.240 holding things together at what as everything else fell apart 364 00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:42.000 around him, I'd a lost track of how it was 365 00:17:42.039 --> 00:17:44.440 messing with us. I'll poll back, You're more important. It's 366 00:17:44.519 --> 00:17:47.519 just been complicated. She set her glass down, her eyes 367 00:17:47.519 --> 00:17:50.960 shining more than I expected. I really am sorry, Jake, Plea, 368 00:17:51.039 --> 00:17:54.000 forgive me for being such a work zombie. Suddenly she 369 00:17:54.079 --> 00:17:55.920 looked like the hand I knew. Her posture slumped her 370 00:17:55.960 --> 00:17:58.720 defenses down. We hub it for a long time, not 371 00:17:58.799 --> 00:18:02.200 quite making promises, but acknowledge in the distance. I felt 372 00:18:02.240 --> 00:18:05.400 lighter after that, like some impossible tension had broken. The 373 00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:08.799 next week, we actually made dinner together twice. One night, 374 00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:11.200 we closed the laptops and sat at our little balcony table, 375 00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:14.519 laughing at something Dumdug posted. Friday, she joined me and 376 00:18:14.559 --> 00:18:17.400 pray for drinks, apologizing for being a ghost, promising she 377 00:18:17.480 --> 00:18:20.799 was coming back to herself. I let myself feel hope again, 378 00:18:20.920 --> 00:18:24.279 angry at my own distrust. Then the following Tuesday, as 379 00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:26.319 I was making coffee in the kitchen, I noticed an 380 00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:29.319 email on my phone at dinner reservation confirmation for HANNAHT. Bellemore, 381 00:18:29.400 --> 00:18:32.359 one of the swankiest restaurants in Fulton Market. Reservation mark 382 00:18:32.400 --> 00:18:35.119 for two the previous Thursday night. She told me she 383 00:18:35.160 --> 00:18:37.640 was fighting off a sinus infection and was asleep by 384 00:18:37.720 --> 00:18:40.640 nine that night. The reservation was under her full name, 385 00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:43.160 not the firm with the contact email I recognized as 386 00:18:43.160 --> 00:18:45.720 her personal I stared at it for a while before 387 00:18:45.720 --> 00:18:47.640 deleting it from her side of the innbrook. She must 388 00:18:47.640 --> 00:18:49.640 have used my phone at some point to check directions 389 00:18:49.680 --> 00:18:53.519 of something, accidentally saving log and details. I hesitated, not 390 00:18:53.559 --> 00:18:56.200 sure what to do. Maybe she'd gone with Cameron to 391 00:18:56.200 --> 00:18:59.319 smove out some client disaster. But Thursday was the night 392 00:18:59.319 --> 00:19:01.400 she'd made a big deal yel about feeling at death's door, 393 00:19:02.039 --> 00:19:04.680 no texts, no calls, claiming to have ordered soup and 394 00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:07.720 gone to bed. So why the high end dinner and 395 00:19:07.799 --> 00:19:10.039 who else would have been there? I waited for a 396 00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:11.880 time to bring it up, but lost my note every 397 00:19:11.880 --> 00:19:15.880 moment the subject threatened to appear. Instead, I hunted for explanations, 398 00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:18.640 trying to decode off finances for comfort. That's when I 399 00:19:18.720 --> 00:19:21.480 checked a credit card. My stomach went out when I 400 00:19:21.480 --> 00:19:23.839 saw a series of charges matching that dinner, multiple rounds 401 00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:26.640