WEBVTT 1 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:07.000 I've always thought there's a kind of dignity in ritual 2 00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:09.599 little things you breed into the day's harmless repetitions that 3 00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:12.919 keep you steady most mornings. I slipped quietly from under 4 00:00:12.960 --> 00:00:14.960 the colt before Ann wakes, tie the laces on gray 5 00:00:14.960 --> 00:00:17.000 walking shoes that have molded to my shape, and set 6 00:00:17.000 --> 00:00:20.160 out to Tomice small territory, Willow Avenue, right on to 7 00:00:20.239 --> 00:00:23.440 Sycamore left at Missus Kesselo's Victorian. The maple Lane always 8 00:00:23.519 --> 00:00:25.120 just as the sunlight, clear as the brickwork up of 9 00:00:25.160 --> 00:00:27.920 the bakery, somewhere in my bones, as an insistance on 10 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:30.760 familiar patterns, the remnant of long years trying to instill 11 00:00:30.839 --> 00:00:33.960 order in children have rad can clouds than fractions. This 12 00:00:34.119 --> 00:00:36.679 morning my mind was playing over the crosswood Ann and 13 00:00:36.679 --> 00:00:39.880 I started last night seven d Ann languidly drifting, I 14 00:00:39.880 --> 00:00:42.159 thought ambling amuse at hollow. The bar was for clues 15 00:00:42.200 --> 00:00:44.799 these days. I touched the coal metal of the gate 16 00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:47.520 depped onto the sidewalk. I made my customary mental tally 17 00:00:47.520 --> 00:00:49.439 of the odd numbers on the hazares, something I doubt 18 00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:52.159 I'll ever be able to stop. I turned onto Maple 19 00:00:52.240 --> 00:00:55.840 Lane as usual. It's not a dramatic street, maybe twelve houses, 20 00:00:55.960 --> 00:00:58.759 all set back behind tidy fences and well behaved shrubs. 21 00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:01.439 The hydrangees were in their blue face. The too bright 22 00:01:01.479 --> 00:01:03.799 paint of Everett's professional dog walking sign winked at me 23 00:01:03.840 --> 00:01:05.879 from across the way, and the mail box at number 24 00:01:05.879 --> 00:01:08.840 fifteen was, as always, bent at an angle that suggested 25 00:01:08.879 --> 00:01:10.799 one of the neighbor boys had crashed into it. Again. 26 00:01:11.439 --> 00:01:13.599 Stepping on to Maple, I let my mind wonder, as 27 00:01:13.599 --> 00:01:16.799 I invariably do, puzzle switching places with memories, smoothing along 28 00:01:16.879 --> 00:01:19.799 the same route as always. That's why when I ended 29 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:21.840 up back on Willow Avenue, not from my usual approach, 30 00:01:21.879 --> 00:01:24.400 but from the astroisk opposite end asterisk, my first reaction 31 00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:27.560 was not shark but confusion, so faint it almost felt mischievous. 32 00:01:28.120 --> 00:01:31.040 I stopped at the curb behind me. The sign reader 33 00:01:31.079 --> 00:01:33.159 Willow Avenue in the blocky black type use since the 34 00:01:33.239 --> 00:01:36.519 nineteen seventies, but this part of Willow felt wrong. The 35 00:01:36.560 --> 00:01:39.400 houses were reverse viewed, as if from a mirror. The 36 00:01:39.439 --> 00:01:42.120 small painted stones lining miss Islum's path were on the 37 00:01:42.159 --> 00:01:44.959 left instead of right. Across the way, a porch wing 38 00:01:45.079 --> 00:01:47.439 usually afflicted with the most distinctive creek in the neighborhood 39 00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:50.400 hung perfectly still and silent, moving not at all, even 40 00:01:50.400 --> 00:01:53.599 when a breeze kicked up. My hearty tests lightly faster, 41 00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:55.959 but not with alarm. Rather a math teachers bristle when 42 00:01:55.959 --> 00:01:58.959 a student proposes that two plus two equals five. Something 43 00:01:59.000 --> 00:02:02.120 in the calculation had showed for a moment. I surveyed 44 00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:04.680 the street, searching for any neighbor outbreaking leaves or walking 45 00:02:04.680 --> 00:02:07.280 a dog. But the block was deserted. No morning runners, 46 00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:11.080 no distant calls from open kitchen windows. Every boundary between 47 00:02:11.159 --> 00:02:13.759 yard seemed hyper defined, the transition from grass to guard 48 00:02:13.800 --> 00:02:16.560 and bed too sharp, the hedges shorn with geometrical position 49 00:02:16.599 --> 00:02:19.280 I knew didn't exist on Saturdays, let alone a Tuesday. 50 00:02:19.919 --> 00:02:23.000 I turned instinctively, eyeing the path I'd just walked. I 51 00:02:23.039 --> 00:02:25.319 stepped forward, then back, as if that might unlock some 52 00:02:25.400 --> 00:02:28.520 hidden seam. My mind began to howling possibilities. How had 53 00:02:28.520 --> 00:02:32.400 I misaturned? Was a new construction ad eeter. I riplayed 54 00:02:32.400 --> 00:02:35.639 my steps, counting the lesson rights, recalling each tactile ankor 55 00:02:35.639 --> 00:02:37.719 the scrape of maple keys under foot, the chip paint 56 00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:40.120 on her tells mailbox, the fainter room of sugar melting 57 00:02:40.120 --> 00:02:43.879 from the beaker's morning batch. I tried to retrace, convinced 58 00:02:43.879 --> 00:02:46.759 there must be some trick of the streets. After fifteen 59 00:02:46.759 --> 00:02:50.039 minutes and free increasingly agitated attempts, the results were identical. 60 00:02:50.639 --> 00:02:53.759 Every path, by whichever arithmetic I applied, landed me at 61 00:02:53.759 --> 00:02:56.240 the same paradox. I left by one entrance in return 62 00:02:56.280 --> 00:02:59.000 by another, all without traversing the intermediate space I'd walked 63 00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:02.039 for decades. I shook it, often in fraction against scentse 64 00:03:02.199 --> 00:03:04.800 an aberration, short up to distract a thinking, a slip 65 00:03:04.840 --> 00:03:08.159 of attention that would roader itself under daylight. Still, as 66 00:03:08.159 --> 00:03:09.960 I double check my own keys in my pocket and 67 00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:12.159 trace the white line painted as a copside warning, a 68 00:03:12.240 --> 00:03:14.120 gentle but persistent and he settled at the base of 69 00:03:14.120 --> 00:03:17.039 my skull. The geometry was off, and the numbers would 70 00:03:17.080 --> 00:03:19.960 not for the first time in years adop acomb. I 71 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:22.759 tried not to dwell on the moment. Anne was at 72 00:03:22.759 --> 00:03:25.080 the dining table, pouring the last of the orange cheese 73 00:03:25.080 --> 00:03:27.680 into a glass. She glanced up with a smile so 74 00:03:27.759 --> 00:03:29.719 practiced it might as well have been etched on sandsun 75 00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:31.960 But she reached for my hand as she always did, 76 00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:34.719 five decades in the same small house. Will do that 77 00:03:34.759 --> 00:03:38.120 to you? Make even the smallest gestures into rituals. How 78 00:03:38.199 --> 00:03:41.439 is the walk? She asked, Her eyes always sharper than 79 00:03:41.439 --> 00:03:44.080 she let on, flickered to my face. I summoned what 80 00:03:44.120 --> 00:03:48.280 I hope was a casual shrug. Breezy, I replied, missus 81 00:03:48.319 --> 00:03:52.919 Qusso's promoses are bloom meirily, a safe factual. At Anne nodded, 82 00:03:53.000 --> 00:03:55.319 excepting or at least willing to pretend she accepted my 83 00:03:55.319 --> 00:03:58.919 gloss over detail. I watched her wandered fleetingly why we 84 00:03:58.960 --> 00:04:01.039 so often colluded in small all disguises for the sake 85 00:04:01.080 --> 00:04:04.520 of peace. Breakfast was the usual give and take. I 86 00:04:04.560 --> 00:04:06.759 set aside the left of her mail from the previous evening, 87 00:04:06.919 --> 00:04:09.919 mostly circulars and yet another needed request to join nickewuans 88 00:04:10.560 --> 00:04:13.000 I reported that mister Alvarez had called about the block's 89 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:16.000 Annuel sprink, cling up a wave of gentle pettants, some 90 00:04:16.160 --> 00:04:18.959 laughter about the neighbor boys turning chow copscutch into competition, 91 00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:22.680 requiring negotiation, speculation about Missess Kessler's room of plans for 92 00:04:22.720 --> 00:04:25.160 another plant sale on Friday, were it not for the 93 00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:27.560 previous hours contradiction. This would have been a morning blowed 94 00:04:27.560 --> 00:04:30.279 into thousands before it if I look at it squarely. 95 00:04:30.399 --> 00:04:33.279 My impulse for order is more habit than compulsion. Pattens 96 00:04:33.319 --> 00:04:36.360 reassure me. I've walked the same route, nearly, stepped for 97 00:04:36.360 --> 00:04:38.759 step since I was eight or nine. Even when the 98 00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:41.240 houses changed their colors, our families came and went. The 99 00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:43.199 math of the neighbor, who, with all its odd numbers 100 00:04:43.199 --> 00:04:46.920 and familiar returns, remained comfortingly precise. At the bakery later 101 00:04:47.000 --> 00:04:50.199 that week, the conversation bust around old stories, a legendary 102 00:04:50.240 --> 00:04:52.600 growers sale map, which, in its fifth decade now required 103 00:04:52.600 --> 00:04:54.600 a committee of three and a color printer. The short 104 00:04:54.600 --> 00:04:57.680 cut behind the sesslums Acy sidewalk with's wall Lady skip 105 00:04:57.720 --> 00:04:59.279 a third of the red on the way home from school. 106 00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:01.639 I joke about trying to draw it from memory and 107 00:05:01.680 --> 00:05:04.839 getting stuck in never ending loops. They all laughed, the 108 00:05:04.920 --> 00:05:07.319 laughter of people who haven't really left child too behind, 109 00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:10.480 not entirely. Maybe that's why I trust these streets more 110 00:05:10.480 --> 00:05:13.519 than I trust most weather forecasts. I know their rhythms. 111 00:05:13.519 --> 00:05:15.720 How the morning sun looks on the silver maples, which 112 00:05:15.720 --> 00:05:18.079 of the old brick God and walls leans further every spring, 113 00:05:18.120 --> 00:05:21.240 the damp coolness under the archword between No. Seven and No. Nine. 114 00:05:21.759 --> 00:05:23.800 I told an once that our neighborhood is as orderly 115 00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:27.199 as a multiplication table, predictable at least by day. That 116 00:05:27.319 --> 00:05:29.920 is why the notion of misunderstanding a walk, of miscounting 117 00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:33.120 a street nearly offended me. There is a little arrogance 118 00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:35.120 in that. Perhaps it comes with decades of being the 119 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:38.399 person people come to for explanations. I've always been quietly 120 00:05:38.439 --> 00:05:40.800 assured these are streets you can trust, as reliable as 121 00:05:40.800 --> 00:05:43.800 your own reflection in a shop window. The next morning, 122 00:05:43.879 --> 00:05:46.680 I determined to pay better attention. If there was any 123 00:05:46.680 --> 00:05:49.560 trick to it, it would reveal itself under scrutiny. The 124 00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:51.600 sun was a little high by the time I set out, 125 00:05:52.199 --> 00:05:54.680 Turning the corner from Willow, I counted out loud the 126 00:05:54.680 --> 00:05:57.079 steps to Maple Lane thirty four, a nice even tally. 127 00:05:57.639 --> 00:05:59.959 The blue Heydranger by Missus Everett's work shaw would do 128 00:06:00.680 --> 00:06:02.839 a sign for her pit walking service was present, though 129 00:06:02.839 --> 00:06:04.959 the font this morning appeared just a little more modern, 130 00:06:04.959 --> 00:06:07.639 the colors brighter, the mail box with the odd dense 131 00:06:07.680 --> 00:06:11.079 slanted precisely as I remembered to day. I forced myself 132 00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:13.639 to know every landmark, the pebble driveway with last year's 133 00:06:13.639 --> 00:06:16.240 car shape, ball stain, the accordion when China now nine, 134 00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:19.800 always reliably out of tune. I passed Missus Kesseler's yard, 135 00:06:19.879 --> 00:06:22.160 where the infamous gard and Nome usually presided over a 136 00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:27.000 fortification of Marigold's. The Gnome this time had changed. Instead 137 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:29.319 of clutching his tiny watering can, he held a little 138 00:06:29.399 --> 00:06:31.720 chop board, the sort I kept for math club announcements 139 00:06:31.759 --> 00:06:34.720 when I was still teaching imperfect tiny riding at re 140 00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:38.399 Remember math Club nineteen seventy two. The oddness gave me 141 00:06:38.439 --> 00:06:41.560 a cold, invigorating lurch, like the split second after misjudging 142 00:06:41.560 --> 00:06:45.879 a step. Maybe a prank, but whew. The Kesselss have 143 00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:47.920 no children left at home, and the only people who 144 00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:50.920 remember math Club nineteen seventy two are Ann, myself and 145 00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:54.759 maybe Reggie wherever he's living now. I pressed on, increasing 146 00:06:54.800 --> 00:06:58.680 my pace each turn, Each footfall was accounted for. The 147 00:06:58.759 --> 00:07:01.680 geometry obeyed until before I stepped on to Willow Avenue. 148 00:07:01.720 --> 00:07:04.120 But once again from the side I should not have approached. 149 00:07:04.759 --> 00:07:07.800 My mind raised how I double back without noticing followed 150 00:07:07.839 --> 00:07:11.240 some nearly invisible spur of sidewalk. I spun around, trace 151 00:07:11.279 --> 00:07:13.800 the direction I'd come, and for good measure, tried cutting 152 00:07:13.800 --> 00:07:16.240 through a side yard, just to break the pattern. Each 153 00:07:16.360 --> 00:07:18.439 dieter returned me to the same spot, as if the 154 00:07:18.439 --> 00:07:22.519 possibilities themselves had narrowed On Willow. Missus Aalva's wave from 155 00:07:22.519 --> 00:07:25.759 her rose bushes, secateurs in hand, as if nothing was amiss. 156 00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:29.199 Good walk, mister Palmer, she called her voice, as even 157 00:07:29.240 --> 00:07:33.240 as always beautiful weather for it. I managed a thin smile, 158 00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:36.920 unwilling to tip my confusion into public curiosity. The rest 159 00:07:36.920 --> 00:07:41.079 of the morning I fassed, chased in visible discrepancies. Was 160 00:07:41.079 --> 00:07:43.720 it possible at sixty eight to walk around for decades 161 00:07:43.759 --> 00:07:45.480 and then abruptly lose the thread of how the streets 162 00:07:45.480 --> 00:07:48.360 fit together? I dug an old tam map from the sideboard, 163 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:51.399 trace each tone with the ruler. The lines made sense, 164 00:07:51.639 --> 00:07:53.600 but I started to worry that I was missing something 165 00:07:53.639 --> 00:07:56.040 alimentary and obvious, a concept right at the tip of 166 00:07:56.040 --> 00:07:59.319 my old teaching tongue. Early afternoon, after Anne left for 167 00:07:59.360 --> 00:08:01.839 bridge club, I tried again, this time from a different angle. 168 00:08:02.480 --> 00:08:04.959 I started at the other end of Willow, approached Maple Lane, 169 00:08:04.959 --> 00:08:07.759 from the farc eye. I marked my starting position with 170 00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:09.480 the talk ax, so I could not, by any trick 171 00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:13.079 of attention, wander in circles. Even so, on walking maple 172 00:08:13.160 --> 00:08:15.439 Lane to pound full land, I emerged familiar as the 173 00:08:15.439 --> 00:08:17.759 back of my hand. At willow from the same logical direction, 174 00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:20.439 I stared at my shoes as if they might confess 175 00:08:20.519 --> 00:08:23.279 to an error. It became a game, if an increasingly 176 00:08:23.319 --> 00:08:26.639 exasperating one. I began making notes in a pocket notebook. 177 00:08:26.759 --> 00:08:29.720 Read door at No. Ten, dogratree at No. Free, mail box, 178 00:08:29.720 --> 00:08:33.759 crooked at No. Fifteen. The landmarks mostly lined up, but sometimes, 179 00:08:33.879 --> 00:08:37.399 almost instantly, some detail would break formation. A mural fresher 180 00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:39.240 pinted on the picket fence now showed a logo from 181 00:08:39.240 --> 00:08:42.399 my old college math Liga set Square and Compass, superimposed 182 00:08:42.399 --> 00:08:46.519 with Springfield Tigers nineteen seventy five. A window boxed previously empty, 183 00:08:46.519 --> 00:08:49.120 bristled with yellow, Tubibsan's favorite color, though I was sure 184 00:08:49.120 --> 00:08:51.759 that space had been filled with spider plants only days before. 185 00:08:52.440 --> 00:08:54.679 Catching these quicks of our auditors felt like trying to 186 00:08:54.679 --> 00:08:57.840 solve a puzzle whose pieces changed each day. Once faint 187 00:08:57.919 --> 00:09:00.840 music floated from an upper window, Moon River umistakably some 188 00:09:01.000 --> 00:09:03.000 that played at my parents wedding, and scene to drift 189 00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:06.360 throughout the house every Sunday in my childhood sidewalk chalk 190 00:09:06.519 --> 00:09:08.720 smudged from a drizz of the day before, resolved as 191 00:09:08.720 --> 00:09:10.960 I bent to de code its marks. Lute numbers and 192 00:09:11.000 --> 00:09:13.360 patterns had used as a memory trick for multiplying by 193 00:09:13.360 --> 00:09:17.559 eight with worry fourth graders. Always the sensation was deeply familiar, 194 00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:19.639 yet subtly off, like flicking on the lights in her 195 00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:22.519 dream and finding everything just a shade too bright. Every 196 00:09:22.600 --> 00:09:24.799 day I tried to catch and trap the impossibility, and 197 00:09:24.840 --> 00:09:27.559 every day when I unloaded my phone's photos to the laptop, 198 00:09:27.600 --> 00:09:30.679 the evidence as solved. The pictures looked conventional and gnome, 199 00:09:30.840 --> 00:09:33.639 like any gardens, door cells, the porch swing in perfect silence, 200 00:09:33.799 --> 00:09:36.360 house paint and shataus to void of any anachronistic symbol 201 00:09:36.440 --> 00:09:39.440 or message. Nothing to show Anne, nothing to offer the 202 00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:41.799 bakery regulars as evidence that I was not, after all 203 00:09:41.879 --> 00:09:46.759 losing my mathematical faculties and noticed my distraction naturally, did 204 00:09:46.799 --> 00:09:48.799 you lose a bit with your fitbit? She teased one 205 00:09:48.879 --> 00:09:53.279 night over ignuole's your walking circles? These days, I considered 206 00:09:53.279 --> 00:09:55.360 telling her, but my tongue stumbled over the words. I 207 00:09:55.360 --> 00:09:57.639 had no explanation that would not sound self important or 208 00:09:57.679 --> 00:10:02.159 worse confused. Instead, I shud not entirely falsely. I am 209 00:10:02.200 --> 00:10:05.000 in the mood for small mysteries. I glanced at her, 210 00:10:05.120 --> 00:10:07.159 watched the downward flick of her eyes, which signaled she 211 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:09.720 thought I was up to some game. I started asking 212 00:10:09.759 --> 00:10:12.080 subtle questions at the bakery, where the air always hovered 213 00:10:12.120 --> 00:10:13.879 between the warmth of cinnamon and the cool ring of 214 00:10:13.879 --> 00:10:16.480 the bell over the door. He anyone find maple Lane 215 00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:20.000 strange lately? I offered conversationally, aware of the risk of 216 00:10:20.039 --> 00:10:22.840 exposing myself as the kind of retiree who worries atside 217 00:10:22.840 --> 00:10:26.159 what cracks in New England streets never makes sense? Came 218 00:10:26.200 --> 00:10:29.000 the gruff reply from Don Avery, mouthful of blueberry muffin 219 00:10:29.600 --> 00:10:32.240 my GPS still thinks pine runs through the post office. 220 00:10:32.639 --> 00:10:36.240 Others laughed, echoing affectionate complaints about local cartography, about how 221 00:10:36.240 --> 00:10:38.639 the original town grade was laid out drunk and backwards, 222 00:10:38.679 --> 00:10:40.399 or how no one could get delivery to the right 223 00:10:40.440 --> 00:10:43.120 doorstep on the first try. For a minute, I thought 224 00:10:43.120 --> 00:10:45.480 I was being gently mopped, until mister Finch, who usually 225 00:10:45.559 --> 00:10:48.200 held forth on high school football and church committee politics, 226 00:10:48.279 --> 00:10:50.120 looked up at me over his glasses with a sudden, 227 00:10:50.159 --> 00:10:54.679 peculiar seriousness. Maple lane, you say, he repeated. Then, to 228 00:10:54.720 --> 00:10:58.000 my surprise, let the conversation slide into a thick, awkward silence. 229 00:10:58.639 --> 00:11:00.799 The others filled it quickly with joke about details and 230 00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:03.240 dead ends, but mister Finch remained subdued for the rest 231 00:11:03.279 --> 00:11:06.120 of his coffee. At home, I spread out three blank 232 00:11:06.120 --> 00:11:08.480 pieces of paper tried to draw, first from memory, then 233 00:11:08.519 --> 00:11:11.159 by logic, then by standing in the foyer narrating aloud, 234 00:11:11.200 --> 00:11:14.120 step by step, the exact configuration of willow, sycamore and 235 00:11:14.159 --> 00:11:18.679 maple lane. Each version deviated in one. I inadvertently drew 236 00:11:18.679 --> 00:11:20.559 maple lane twice, as if it curved back in on 237 00:11:20.639 --> 00:11:23.440 itself in another. No matter how I measured, I could 238 00:11:23.480 --> 00:11:25.480 not neatly connect it back to willow without skipping a 239 00:11:25.519 --> 00:11:29.559 logical block. It nagged at me. Was I losing my edge? 240 00:11:30.200 --> 00:11:32.200 Was this a failure of recal the slow intrusion of 241 00:11:32.200 --> 00:11:35.840 that fog many fear as the year's mount still everything 242 00:11:35.879 --> 00:11:38.559 else in daily life, numbers for the bills, details for 243 00:11:38.600 --> 00:11:41.360 the crosswood, or the news recollections of friends and long 244 00:11:41.399 --> 00:11:44.600 ago students remained sharp as ever. On the third morning, 245 00:11:44.639 --> 00:11:47.039 I brought a small notebook and a pencil stop, determined 246 00:11:47.039 --> 00:11:49.039 to chart every detail like I was mapping a newly 247 00:11:49.080 --> 00:11:53.159 discovered island. I started. I counted lamp posts, noted which 248 00:11:53.200 --> 00:11:55.679 garbage cans were out for collection odd week, so only 249 00:11:55.720 --> 00:11:58.559 on the south side. For each landmark I saw, I 250 00:11:58.600 --> 00:12:00.480 made a note an anchor at check on my reality. 251 00:12:01.080 --> 00:12:03.279 And yet, passing by No. Twelve, the mail books no 252 00:12:03.360 --> 00:12:05.240 longer bore the faded latter's pomer as I knew it 253 00:12:05.279 --> 00:12:07.679 from years past. But Reggie in neat block print a 254 00:12:07.679 --> 00:12:10.919 color like New Penny. My old friend, Roggie Reginald Cohen 255 00:12:10.960 --> 00:12:13.399 had lived there once but moved away before high school. 256 00:12:14.000 --> 00:12:16.440 I remembered his map up schemes for skipping gin class, 257 00:12:16.519 --> 00:12:18.360 remembered the time we tried to build a radio with 258 00:12:18.399 --> 00:12:21.639 parts graunged from broken lamps. His name had not stood 259 00:12:21.679 --> 00:12:24.600 on any mail books here for over fifty years. Down 260 00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:27.000 two houses, I spied a row of matching flower pots 261 00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:29.080 on our low wall, three bout of terra cotta, painted 262 00:12:29.120 --> 00:12:31.840 with blue rings and pink tulips. Ann and I made 263 00:12:31.840 --> 00:12:33.799 that pattern for our wedding when we which he broke 264 00:12:33.840 --> 00:12:37.120 for bicase and too stubborn for rented frippery. Nobody outside 265 00:12:37.120 --> 00:12:40.480 our families could know the design. I glanced away, looked back. 266 00:12:40.559 --> 00:12:43.360 The pots were still there, perfectly ordinary, now in arrangement, 267 00:12:43.399 --> 00:12:46.480 But my heart hammered. An upstairs window across the street 268 00:12:46.480 --> 00:12:48.679 called the Sun of Rainbow Sankitcher, the kind we made 269 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:51.399 in shop class in nineteen sixty eight. Lookey edges and 270 00:12:51.440 --> 00:12:55.200 press glass a dazzled before disappearing into shadows. I walked on, 271 00:12:55.559 --> 00:12:58.840 lingering in the mine's eye. Each time my retruce my steps. 272 00:12:58.840 --> 00:13:01.320 The strangeness was never quite peedable, but always personal, as 273 00:13:01.360 --> 00:13:03.759 if the street was quietly rummaging through draws labeled pomer 274 00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:07.080 Ty Al lived since nineteen sixty one. These were not 275 00:13:07.200 --> 00:13:09.200 just audities. They were echoes of things I hadn't thought 276 00:13:09.200 --> 00:13:11.679 about in decades, scattered through the familiar blockses if someone 277 00:13:11.679 --> 00:13:14.759 had trespassed in my memory and left calling clouds. I 278 00:13:14.840 --> 00:13:16.759 tried to explain some of it to Anne that night, 279 00:13:16.799 --> 00:13:19.519 while we brush teeth and shared silence. Do you think 280 00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:21.960 people can see things, pieces of their childhood that slipped 281 00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:26.559 back in only sometimes? Anne? Mouthful of foam replied, I'm 282 00:13:26.600 --> 00:13:29.399 sure the mind sos what it needs. She spack grinned 283 00:13:29.399 --> 00:13:32.879 in the mirror, feeling wistful tonight. There was kindness in 284 00:13:32.919 --> 00:13:35.600 her dismissal, but also a note of caution. I let 285 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:37.840 it go. I began to suspect that the knot in 286 00:13:37.879 --> 00:13:39.759 Maple Lane was not a fat in math or memory, 287 00:13:39.919 --> 00:13:42.039 not confusion, but a dialog between the street and my 288 00:13:42.080 --> 00:13:45.879 own recollections. Each oddity was significant because it blonged specifically 289 00:13:45.879 --> 00:13:49.799 to me. Still, outside these moments, all physical markers reverted. 290 00:13:49.840 --> 00:13:52.080 The mail books read plain now twelve. The flower pots 291 00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:54.240 were unpainted plastic. The mural on the fence was nothing 292 00:13:54.279 --> 00:13:57.320 more than faded white slats. Something either the street or 293 00:13:57.360 --> 00:14:00.039 my own mind was playing a game. Was it only me? 294 00:14:00.840 --> 00:14:02.759 Was I the old math teacher running out a string, 295 00:14:02.799 --> 00:14:06.639 slipping into some private, harmless madness. The evidence was slippery, 296 00:14:06.639 --> 00:14:08.480 but my sense of patent would not let the problem go. 297 00:14:09.279 --> 00:14:11.919 That lane never fit the map, you know, missus Alvarez 298 00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:14.519 told me as I loitered by her roses on Thursday afternoon. 299 00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:17.679 Her voice, low and confiding, had the cadence of some 300 00:14:17.679 --> 00:14:20.120 one on the edge of gossip. I grew up here 301 00:14:20.200 --> 00:14:23.000 walked those blocks since long before you two bought this place, Stephen. 302 00:14:23.039 --> 00:14:26.000 Then there were stories, deliveries always going wrong, parents scolding 303 00:14:26.080 --> 00:14:28.279 children for coming home the wrong way. Some people just 304 00:14:28.320 --> 00:14:31.279 have a mind for it, I suppose. I asked, as 305 00:14:31.320 --> 00:14:33.480 neutrally as I could manage. Did you ever think it 306 00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:36.480 was unusual? She clipped a yellow rose, set it in 307 00:14:36.519 --> 00:14:39.840 her straw basket, and shrugged. Old towns have their quirks. 308 00:14:39.879 --> 00:14:42.639 You learned to trust your feet, not your compass. A 309 00:14:42.679 --> 00:14:45.039 mild answer, but that glint in her eye spoke of 310 00:14:45.080 --> 00:14:48.360 something more. I didn't press. There's a codum on the 311 00:14:48.399 --> 00:14:51.720 long established heial willingness to keep certain ardities private, savory 312 00:14:51.759 --> 00:14:54.879 as the summer uber pies at the bickery. I circled 313 00:14:54.919 --> 00:14:57.519 back to the subject, cheering again my confusion with mister Finch's. 314 00:14:57.559 --> 00:15:00.159 We waited in line for the day. Old Loaf only 315 00:15:00.159 --> 00:15:03.799 shook his head, eyes dot into the display case. You know, Tom, 316 00:15:03.919 --> 00:15:05.879 He said, there's a street in every town that makes 317 00:15:05.879 --> 00:15:08.600 all men argue. Don't lose sleep over it. He did 318 00:15:08.639 --> 00:15:11.799 not smile That night. I looked again at the sketch maps. 319 00:15:11.799 --> 00:15:14.279 I tried to compose every attempt, even penciled only minutes 320 00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:18.120 after walking missed something. Maple Lane ended up duplicated, a 321 00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:20.759 block dangling with no connection, or the hazes on Willow 322 00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:24.559 appearing on both sides at once. My hand, usually so steady, 323 00:15:24.600 --> 00:15:26.799 betrayed a nervousness, tripping over lines the way you might 324 00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:30.200 stumble over an unfamiliar cobe. After dark. Logic told me 325 00:15:30.240 --> 00:15:32.879 it must be a mathematical fluke, or my mind compensating 326 00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:35.600 for decades of routine, a sort of internal shortcut. Maybe, 327 00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:38.600 But every failed drawing, every elusive image on my phone 328 00:15:38.720 --> 00:15:42.840 hinted at something else, something quietly impossibly personal. Seeing your 329 00:15:42.840 --> 00:15:45.840 own past, private and half forgotten, spilling into the visible world, 330 00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:48.799 no matter how briefly, makes a question not just your memory, 331 00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:52.399 but the fabric of the ordinary itself. After several sleepless nights, 332 00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:54.879 convinced I might be conjuring ghosts only I could see, 333 00:15:55.000 --> 00:15:58.360 I decided to run a real test on Sunday, before 334 00:15:58.360 --> 00:16:01.080 Anne's daily crosswood and her afternoon bridge. I found her 335 00:16:01.080 --> 00:16:03.879 clearing out the kitchen drawer, humming with seven down satisfaction. 336 00:16:04.600 --> 00:16:07.679 I offered, feigning casual indifference, how about a walk around 337 00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:09.960 the block this morning? Maple Lane's got the best air 338 00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:12.360 when the lilacs are up. She gave me a look 339 00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:15.080 drawn equally from fifty years of marriage and a skepticism 340 00:16:15.159 --> 00:16:17.960 hone at the card table, Are you starling or are 341 00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:20.879 you secretly hoping for second breakfast at the bakery? I 342 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:23.799 showed her that, for once my motives were pure. We 343 00:16:23.879 --> 00:16:26.759 set out, side by side, passing Willow. I told her 344 00:16:26.759 --> 00:16:29.600 about missus Kesselo's rooms of New Plantos, about the latest 345 00:16:29.600 --> 00:16:32.000 antics of the neighbor boys in their impossible chalk horse 346 00:16:32.679 --> 00:16:35.159 at the corner of Maple. I sewed conscious now of 347 00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:39.440 every step, notice anything unusual, Ham, I prompted, trying to 348 00:16:39.480 --> 00:16:42.840 sound as disinterested as possible. Anne, who never let a 349 00:16:42.840 --> 00:16:45.519 teaching opportunity pass even once the kids had gone, fix 350 00:16:45.600 --> 00:16:49.000 me with the weathered, mischievous glance. Besides the fact that 351 00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:51.720 you're walking like someone testing a new hip. I kept 352 00:16:51.759 --> 00:16:54.600 my mouth shut, letting her take the lead. We umbled 353 00:16:54.600 --> 00:16:56.759 all on. The air was sweet with do in the 354 00:16:56.759 --> 00:16:59.399 sund of fresh soil. I caught sight of the familiar 355 00:16:59.399 --> 00:17:02.200 blue her drained, now resplendent, almost more vivid than I 356 00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:05.480 remembered at No. Twelve the mail, but briefly, surely only 357 00:17:05.599 --> 00:17:07.559 en after image scene to flicker at the letters Pomer, 358 00:17:07.559 --> 00:17:11.119 and another more ambiguous set appearing and fading. Anne gestured 359 00:17:11.119 --> 00:17:14.160 suddenly at a nearby house. Those window boxes. Do you 360 00:17:14.200 --> 00:17:16.680 see them? Pansies and snap firkins. My mother used to 361 00:17:16.680 --> 00:17:19.119 plant those every March, insisted on it, even in snow. 362 00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:22.599 Her voice carried a note of nostalgia. I squinted until 363 00:17:22.680 --> 00:17:25.440 just then the boxes had seen full of marigals or daisies. 364 00:17:26.039 --> 00:17:28.319 But now perhaps I could see the pansy's familiar purple 365 00:17:28.359 --> 00:17:31.440 faces peaking at a few paces later, and paused at 366 00:17:31.440 --> 00:17:33.880 a door step there a welcome mat sport at a 367 00:17:33.880 --> 00:17:36.480 monogramby are the initials of the lake house her parents 368 00:17:36.519 --> 00:17:39.519 had before retirement. I haven't seen one like that since 369 00:17:39.519 --> 00:17:43.279 I was a girl, she said, softly, almost embarrassed. I tensed, 370 00:17:43.319 --> 00:17:46.880 watching to me it was a perfectly incidental mat. I 371 00:17:46.960 --> 00:17:48.960 tried to mention the mule on the fence, still showing 372 00:17:49.039 --> 00:17:51.759 a thought the math team logo, and only glance, remarking 373 00:17:51.759 --> 00:17:54.440 that she l liked the bart Why colors no math matif? 374 00:17:54.480 --> 00:17:57.279 In her view the divide was subtle, But I became 375 00:17:57.319 --> 00:17:59.759 sure of a teacher of us was somehow seeing our 376 00:17:59.759 --> 00:18:03.279 own reflection in the ordinary surfaces from a porch, music 377 00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:05.839 drifted to bottom leaves, the jazz tu Nan had played 378 00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:08.519 during our first year of marriage, when every record was borrowed, 379 00:18:08.519 --> 00:18:10.799 in every scrap of sunlight pointed directly at the future. 380 00:18:11.400 --> 00:18:15.000 She stopped, her mouth slightly open. Isn't that something, she said, 381 00:18:15.119 --> 00:18:18.200 voice a little choked. I heard Moonriver, the tune from 382 00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:21.720 my parents wedding. We stood together, listening quietly the harmonies 383 00:18:21.720 --> 00:18:24.839 and resolved yet entirely right. I risked, reaching for her hand, 384 00:18:24.960 --> 00:18:27.279 which she took, and despite the faint confusion, I felt 385 00:18:27.279 --> 00:18:30.200 more present than I had in weeks. At Willow Avenue, 386 00:18:30.279 --> 00:18:32.920 we emerged both oddly out of breath. It was as 387 00:18:32.920 --> 00:18:35.240 if the walk had pressed some maternal reset. My heart 388 00:18:35.279 --> 00:18:38.640 calmed my mind. Jenny jangled, but not alarmed. Aunt asked 389 00:18:38.680 --> 00:18:41.519 my arm, hesitant. Didn't we usually come out from the 390 00:18:41.519 --> 00:18:45.599 other side. I nodded relief. She noticed, Does this feel 391 00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:48.279 odd to you? I press, unwilling to let the truth 392 00:18:48.319 --> 00:18:51.799 slip away this time she found, then conceded, like a dream, 393 00:18:51.839 --> 00:18:54.119 I can't quite place, all familiar, and yet like this 394 00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:56.079 one more detail. If I just look a little harder, 395 00:18:56.680 --> 00:18:59.799 she laughed, short and bright if its confusion were confused 396 00:18:59.799 --> 00:19:02.279 to get That night, she poured two cups of tea, 397 00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:05.240 set them on the table, and lingered a moment. You 398 00:19:05.319 --> 00:19:08.519 think the street is doing something, don't you. I tried 399 00:19:08.519 --> 00:19:11.400 to explain the sequence of impossibilities, each tinged with something 400 00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:15.000 only I could remember, things even Anne couldn't see. She nodded, 401 00:19:15.160 --> 00:19:18.519