Speaker 1: Hey, y'all, welcome back to Dear to Sea to my mind.
Speaker 2: Just as y'all followed, you right in to.
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Speaker 1: Leave us a what's our review?
Speaker 4: Five?
Speaker 3: Thank you in advance, subscribe to a relationship restore as
well as the Dear to See a channel which is
under to See an XBS. And we are trying to
get to ten thousand followers by the end of the year,
and I just know we're gonna get there.
Speaker 1: I ain't gonna count you out.
Speaker 3: We are introducing our Penat Gallery. Now, this is if
you're watching this, this is this is kind of December
right now. By the time we come back in January,
I'm gonna have an official name for my Panut Gallery,
and I'm gonna put it where y'all can vote. So, actually,
if y'all leave a comment, vote what.
Speaker 1: Y'all think my Penut Gallery should be called.
Speaker 3: Now, y'all know, like Beyonce has to be hive, Rihanna
has the navy, Tamar has though what is hers?
Speaker 1: It's like a spark.
Speaker 3: It's like some some don't let me get the line. Anyways,
she got something, you know. Tay Martians or Martians. It's
like Tay Martians or something like that. Yeah, so we
gotta figure out what our peanut gallery is going to
be reintroduced, ass cast your boat below. Okay, all right,
so anyway it's our pena gallery.
Speaker 1: We have doctor Nicole.
Speaker 3: Doctor Nicole back again with us. Y'all loved her in
all the episodes, so this is gonna be good. And
y'all know, I love to introduce how I met doctor Nicole. Now,
doctor Nicole was in you know, met her do a
girl's girl, a mutual friend, and then we dipped off and.
Speaker 1: Had our own thing going on.
Speaker 3: Okay, look, and we just started. You know, we're gonna
be and Ghana together, going first class to a cross. Okay,
December twenty fifth, see you on the continent.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: Anyways, on to our listener review. We have BK Goal
nine one seven. I absolutely love your podcast. You keep
it all the way real, all the way real real.
Good cys, major congrats, thank you.
Speaker 1: Ms BK Gal nine seven.
Speaker 3: Our first dear to see a voicemail. He's grieving but
says he's ready for love.
Speaker 4: Dear to see you. So I got back on the
dating apps I met this guy that I'm really interested in,
and we hopped on a FaceTime call yesterday and he
proceeds to tell me about how he's going through things
and he has lost three family members to suicide within
the last month. So I was honestly out of words.
I don't want to overstep because again, and this was
my first interaction with him was on FaceTime, But I
did ask him, like, okay with this going on, like
are you ready for something or are you looking for
a friendship or what exactly are you looking for? He
tells me that he is looking for a relationship and
that he has been looking for one before this even happened.
So I'm just a little hesitant a little bit because
I don't know if I should pursue him or cut
him off because of this. And I feel bad because
I know this is not his fault, but I don't know.
It puts me kind of in a hard place. Also,
I do want to add that whenever we text, sometimes
he takes a little while to respond, like a couple hours,
or sometimes it's pretty quick. So but then when we
spoke on like FaceTime, it's very like, I don't know,
it just feels very like deep and we're talking, whereas
like text, it's like very bland, nonchalant, like it's not
I'm not getting the energy that I thought I was
gonna get through text versus on FaceTime. So I just
want to know, like, what do you think I should
do moving forward with this guy?
Speaker 1: I'm just a little closer.
Speaker 3: Empathy killed the cat. Okay, I canna say curiosity killed
the cat. Empathy killed the fucking cat. Okay, y'all have
way too much empathy. And I just made a real,
like a real about this or scroll on down. There's
only like five posts down at this point, okay. And
I was telling the girls about just doing too much
too soon, and I basically was sharing with them that
there was a recent study done on serial killers. Okay,
a recent study done on serial killers, and they analyzed
the mind and the behaviors of the serial killers, and
they interviewed them and basically they asked them, how did
you know which woman was going to be your next victim?
And set five percent of these serial killers that was
locked up for life under the jail said, I told
them a sob story, and whichever ones were still around
that entertained it, that felt some felt empathy. That's who
I knew that I could. Maybe Hey, you ain't wrong, friend,
Empathy killed the cat. This man. Honestly, I'm not trying
to be funny, but as somebody that's just meeting you,
I don't want to deal with all of that. And
we need more women that just don't want to deal
with all of that. Y'all willing to take on the
strength of the world and the problems of the world.
For somebody you just met on the app let that
man process three family members come in su say you
know how deep that is. You don't know this man
from paying on the wall, Baby, Pray for him and
keep it moving. This is not something that you want
to get involved in. Also, don't you think it's suspicious
that this man told you are all of that daddyep
I'm fucking with niggas for two three years.
Speaker 1: A bitch.
Speaker 3: Don't still don't know why his mama lost his her kids. Okay,
I still don't fucking know why he don't talk to
his daddy.
Speaker 1: It's been two three years.
Speaker 3: You met a nigga two days ago and he told
you about three family members that committed suicide.
Speaker 1: Don't you think that's suspicious?
Speaker 3: Listen to your instinct, listen to your gut. Okay, just
let him deal with that. It ain't no harm, it
ain't no foul, it ain't no judgment. You can judge
people and they don't have to have access to you
in that way. Okay, you can let people do what
they need to do and literally there's no judgment on them.
But that doesn't mean that they get to have access
to you. Okay, you don't have to judge them. It's
no judgment free zone. But that doesn't mean that that
person still gets access to you. So no, ma'am, too much,
too much, And even to another thing I want to
comment on, She said, on the phone it's deep and
through text, it's like sometimes he responds quickly, sometimes he don't.
But win, yes, sporadic. It's not really the energy that
she will want. But on the phone is deep. It's
deep because he's dumping. It's deep because he's dumping. He
telling you all he's fucking is all his hides and
lows and life problems.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's deep. Deep and dumping is two different things.
Speaker 3: You can have something that's deep where it's just like
that person has emotional depth, that person is able to
connect that person's able to articulate their feelings. That's fucking deep.
Deep and dumping is two different things. And this man
is dumping on you, will leave him and his problems
where he's staying. And also to y'all think I'm crazy,
But like I said, I lost both of my parents,
so I can talk about shit like this.
Speaker 1: I listen.
Speaker 3: I look at nigga's genetics. Okay, hey, call me judgmental.
What three family members comit in suicide. I'm cool off you, dog,
cool off you. I don't want to read reduced with you.
I don't want to. I'm telling you, I look at
me as genetic. I look at their hairline, I look
at they skin, I look at the body composition. Okay,
because I am gonna have daughters, Okay, I'm looking at
all of that. And I'm looking at your genetics and
mental health, family, family, mental health history, three family members
that committed suicide in the past month.
Speaker 1: I'm cool off you, dog. I'm straight.
Speaker 3: God bless you, God bless your people. I hope it
gets better for you, but not a nigga off a
day now. Please, please, you have thoughts on this.
Speaker 5: Look you said it all, but I always tell everybody,
do not let your empathy talk you out of your discernment.
You can be compassionate and compassion is I'm so sorry
you're going through that. But when your discernment comes in,
I need clarity, I need consistency, I need emotional intelligence,
I need a kind of ability, I need respect. So
I'm gonna have to let you go your way. Too
many people let the empathy talk them out of their discernment.
Speaker 3: Talk them out of their their their discernment and common
fucking sense.
Speaker 5: They just because again it's like, oh, well they need me.
This man just met you and told you all that.
That's a red flag that you just told me all
this and just meet me. Yes and no, granted I
know what I do, so that happens to me a lot.
But in dating you are literally, like you said, you're
dumping this on me. How do you even know I'm
in an emotional space to receive it. You don't respect
me exactly.
Speaker 3: And again, don't forget girl, the serial killer theory. They
are sussing you out, and the moment that they see
that that sob story landed well.
Speaker 1: On you, you will be in the back of a truck.
Speaker 5: They gonna keep going.
Speaker 3: Okay, some girl water Bykaba is yeah you right, Sis,
I go be cut up and wear.
Speaker 1: In them wear muskin.
Speaker 5: Okay, I just thought, but she.
Speaker 3: Was like, you ain't about to cut me off and
be wearing my skin exactly. These people are crazy. Leave
him for the Wolf Show. God bless them, God bless them.
You You have no investment, no look, no commitment to
that man.
Speaker 1: Goodbye.
Speaker 3: Voice one number two. I called feelings from my client
in prison.
Speaker 5: Yeah hid to see it. Sorry question.
Speaker 6: And I've been following you for a while, So what
did you say to a person like me?
Speaker 1: Don't just just listen?
Speaker 6: So I was working as a contractor for a nonprofitm
I'm not going to say the names and the and
I started working in my prison and not with this guy.
And he told me he was my client or whatever.
He told me that he had somebody he's talking to
me and talked for two years.
Speaker 5: You know how people be like, hey, you want to
talk to my friend? And then he got that person
number and started talking to it. Did he met me?
We started talking?
Speaker 6: I said, okay, okay, fast forward three months into me
talking to him, I two and a half. Well, I
started liking him and my leo. Right, So I said,
you know how, he was transparent me and told me
you had somebody. I said, why don't you call her
and tell you met somebody? He went off, He's.
Speaker 5: Like, uh, you know, I like you.
Speaker 6: Then did this and did this, and I did just slaid
into you and blah blah blah.
Speaker 5: Mind you.
Speaker 6: He ain't did nothing with her like that, just a
couple of visits. Right, So I really liked this man. Yes,
he's working on his case. He has some time, but
he's working on his casework. And I talked to him
on the regular. So what do you think I should do?
Just let him go and focus on her, because you
know I'm a lio. I can't just talk to you
and you told me you talked to somebody else. This
is never work with me, right, But I really like him.
And I've been sending a bunch of voice recording, spassing
out and calling back some of my man, you ain't
like that, you ain't like that, I've been saying, like
on phone them, and he's like, you ain't like that,
you don't like this.
Speaker 5: So I want you to help me. What should I do?
No way?
Speaker 1: What should I do? Let me tell you this.
Speaker 3: I always put me in in categories. I just was
telling my homegirl this. It's only a it's certain things
that a certain kind of nigga could do to me.
Speaker 1: And follow me here.
Speaker 3: If you a man that got three folk kids, you
got folk kids, three baby mamas. If I decide to
entertain you, you got a short rope with me. It's
only a certain type of shit. Let a nigga with
four kids and three baby mamas can't break my heart, baby, Okay,
it's only it's certain things I'm gonna let you do
with me. You don't got the same wiggle room as
a six foot four man where no kids, never been married,
six figure earn or entrepreneurs.
Speaker 1: Baby, you ain't got the same kind of rope. My
thing is. This is just me. A nigga that's in
jail can't tell me he talking to somebody else, Good
fucking night. A man in jail.
Speaker 3: That has lost his freedom and it's held in captivity, okay,
cannot tell me that he's dating another woman and I
still be interested in him. How you let and this
is with all due respect, how you let a jail
bird tell you that he got another woman?
Speaker 1: You and you still interested.
Speaker 3: It's a certain kind of man can only do certain
kind of things, and a man that's in jail cannot
have another woman that I'm even still interested interested in.
I'm trying to figure out this. What she wrote she
called feelings and asked him to end oh in things with.
Speaker 1: The oh oh oh okay, yeah, she.
Speaker 3: Called feelings and asked him to end things with the
other woman. And he blew up.
Speaker 5: Inding it that already gave me your answer.
Speaker 3: Let me tell you this. You let a man in
jail tell you that he got another girl, and then
you come to him. Mind you, I'm not trying to
be funny. You free, you got resources, you got commisary, okay,
you have access to the outside. This man blew up
on you. He's in jail, friend, he is a prisoner.
He is in jail. There's a lot of things you
can do. You can't curse me out if you have
lost your freedom. You can't blow up on me as
an about another woman. And my thing is too like,
where is this possession coming from?
Speaker 1: You?
Speaker 3: You want to have a possession from a rock that
you found on the beach, like this man. Actually, it's
not that he's a terrible person or he's worthless, but
he actually has nothing to really give you or to
offer you. So how you gonna be possessive over that?
How you being possessive over a man with no money,
no freedom, no resources, no opportunity to build a life
with you can't be outside. How are you possessive over that?
This just shows me that you just baby, You ain't
got no motion, You ain't got nothing going on to
be dealing with something like this. Baby, You ain't got
nothing going on. This is just a certain kind of
man that can have you in a jam like this.
And it just shows that where you are took two
pieces in the pot. Y'all deserve each other. And hell
you trying to go to jail for what you're doing
because I think that you can and be doing that.
Can you imagine a man in jail cursing you out
about another woman?
Speaker 5: I can't imagine it at all ever, huh.
Speaker 3: And I'm not like anti man, but a girl one
that got a bad temperament blew up on you.
Speaker 5: That's the sty the way you treating me from prison
also too.
Speaker 3: I don't think there is a there is almost like
a reverse psychology about keeping your cool and plan kind
of plan nonchalant and hard to get as a woman.
Imagine a man in jail that literally is a prisoner.
He's locked up knowing that you have met him, and
a couple months in you're asking him to take to
stop talking to another woman.
Speaker 1: This man thinking man change checkmate, got her?
Speaker 5: You gonna he gonna use it.
Speaker 3: You won't even play your card right my girl? Please,
how you possessive over inmate?
Speaker 1: Please get off my phone.
Speaker 5: She need to look a mirror, honestly.
Speaker 3: Seriously, you gotta look sound like you've got a state job,
a government job. You gotta you're a contractor for a prison.
Sure hmm, No, ma'am, you don't know what you should do.
Leave him alone. So now she's wondering if it's worth
the chaos.
Speaker 1: It is not.
Speaker 3: Please go find you some business, and please do not
date clients that don't have their freedom.
Speaker 1: Thank you, No, ma'am.
Speaker 3: Waste my number three? Dear to see it when I'm
ready to date again? How do I do it?
Speaker 5: Right there?
Speaker 2: To see it? I have a one year old sixteen
months he's in the background. I've been on myself. The
Benat's Journey for about a year now, and I'm gonna
continue to do that to my baby like three, But
what is your advice on moving on to the date
world when it's time and I'm ready, because my experience
with his dad wasn't the best. It was really it
was really really bad. So I just want to go
into a new situation and that time, you know, right,
not now, but when I'm ready for that. What would
be your advice on moving forward? Because I'm kind of
like traumatized from my experience with his dad, Like I
don't want those dealings with nobody like him, like a
type of man like him. So and I want that
person to be a great fit for me and my
child moving forward. And my biggest fear is allowing somebody
to come in his life that's not for him or me.
So I know things get a little tricky. Kid is involved.
And another question, do you think I should date with
someone with the kid? I really think I should because
at least one because someone that don't have kids, I
feel like it's like a chance you're taking because you
don't know how they really would be as a parent.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, my baby.
Speaker 2: Question not now because my baby just want but when
that time comes, I'm curious.
Speaker 3: So here's one thing that I want to say about this.
The first word at your mouth is that I'm a
single mom. I have a sixteen month old. Then later
on you talked about should I date a man with
kids or sh should I dat a man that does
not have any kids? Because I think that a man
with kids will. You have made this your whole identity. Okay, Now,
I'm not saying that your child is not important. I'm
not saying that single motherhood will not play an important
factor in how you choose to enter the dating space.
But this is not your identity. And when people introduce
themselves as a single mom, they're already to, in my opinion,
putting themselves in a deficit. It's almost like you know
that there are a limited amount of people that are
gonna like you, or there's a limited amount of people
that you have access to because you are a single mond.
Let me tell you, it's niggas out here dating bitches
with kids, period, period, point in the blank. It's men
out here there are dating women with children. And I
feel like when you walk with that kind of limp,
like I don't a single mom mom, a single mom
I feel like it it changes who you attract. Right,
Plenty of people have kids. There are men that have children,
there are women that have children. I don't want you
to make this your identity and make it almost like
it's a burden.
Speaker 1: As you enter the space.
Speaker 3: Yes, you want to date somebody who is gonna care
for your child, that you feel safe around to meet them,
and when that time comes, those are all the nuances
of that.
Speaker 1: Yes, But I all when women asks when this id
be like step out the door like a single woman.
Speaker 3: Like this is not to say that you forget your kids,
but it's like that you need to have the aura
of a single woman, right. I think that that whole
single mom aura really just I don't know. It's almost
like these niggas start feeling sorry for you or something
because you feel sorry for yourself.
Speaker 1: Yo, kid ain't nothing to feel sorry about.
Speaker 5: Baby.
Speaker 3: You got a kid. Half the universe got a kid. Okay,
it's not a big deal. It's not as big of
a deal as you make it seem. And the same
precautions that you will take with a regular Joe Schmoe
if you didn't have any kids, it's the same precautions
that you would take with a god if you did
have kids, right, doctor.
Speaker 5: Nicole, I'm glad you said that. A lot of times
people say, well, I'm a single mom, so I need
to make sure that i'm dating appropriately because my child. No,
you need to date appropriate for you, because if this
person is good for you, that means you've set boundaries,
you have structures, you know what you want. We won't
tolerate what you will tolerate. That means if they're good
for you, they should be good for your child. But
the little many say I need to date for my child,
and they're not even dating for themselves, and sometimes they
end up dating somebody who was good for their child
and not even good at them.
Speaker 3: And also, soo when you so focused on now you
date these men, that's coming they bring in a little
teddy bear, bringing the fucking lollypop and bringing they playing
with your kid, blah blah blah. And it's because they're homeless.
Speaker 5: They want.
Speaker 3: Okay, they want them caprisos and want somebody to move
in with.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 5: Also know that you are capable of taking care of
another human being, so they play on that emotion.
Speaker 3: Absolutely absolutely, so they're gonna start fixing it in your house.
Speaker 5: Okay.
Speaker 3: What was one of our rare red flag reports last
week was this man telling them how you move in,
how to move in with somebody, and they talked about Okay,
first you started off doing this, then you slowly start
dropping it off at their house, then you start buying
the kids shit, all this type of stuff, and how
you listen, Doctor Cole said, the best you need to
date somebody that's good for you first. If they pass
your screener, mean, they're gonna know how much you care
about your child. They're gonna know what you consider to
be safe. They're gonna know your standards, what you appreciate
in the person. They're gonna know that you value consistent.
They gonna know that if they get through you, they're
gonna know that they can't come into your child's life
and play around. So you should be the front responder. Okay,
don't even think about the kid yet. And I'm telling
you single women need to walk out here with a
single mothers need to walk out here out of here
with like single women with no kid energy. Okay, trust me,
get embody that, embody that, and I'm telling you're gonna
just attract more confident, stable men.
Speaker 1: That's just that on that.
Speaker 3: So she's asking, how can single moms re enter the
dating world from a place of clarity and protection. Well,
we kind of already really discussed that. Is it safer
today somebody who already has kids or does?
Speaker 1: That come with its own challenges.
Speaker 5: So here's my thought process on that. If you date
somebody who has children, right, yes they may can be
able to take care of responsibilities, but now they may
not be able to be as consistent with you as
you want them to because of their responsibilities. If you
date someone who does not have children, yes they may
be flexible, but they may not be understanding of your responsibilities. Again,
this is where your boundaries, your wants, your needs, your
structure has to come to play. I don't think it
matters if he has kids or does not have kids.
I know people who don't have kids end up being
a better guardian of children than those who do. I
don't think it necessarily matters. She has to know what
she wants. She can't put those labels out there. He
has kids, he doesn't have kids. I'm a single mom.
Who are you without all those things? And a lot
of people when they enter motherhood or father, they lose
who they are. Figure out who you are first, and
that will determine everything else for you. There you go.
Speaker 3: I mean, no notes, no notes on that, but I
do want to touch on how do you heal enough
to choose better without living in fear or repeating the past.
It's so important to track your fear. And we talked
about this before. What you fear is what you attract.
And I gave the example of this young lady who
her grandmother had been cheated on. The dad was a
rolling stone, the mama had been cheated on, and she
just was like, if when I'm with somebody, if you
cheat on me, I'm done.
Speaker 1: If you cheat on me, I'm done. Long story short.
Speaker 3: Guess what The last three four men she had been
with word, they were cheaters. Cheating was her deal breaker
and she really attracted cheaters for the last three to
four relationships. What you fear is what you attract, and
so really healing past that and trusting yourself also, I
just feel like, if you have that much reservations and
paranoia about that, sit this one out. I promise you
them niggas ain't going nowhere.
Speaker 1: Sit this out. Sit it out.
Speaker 3: They not going nowhere. They gonna be here when you
come back, when you return from sabbatical. Okay, the men
still gonna be here. So just sit this one out
for a little bit, because that like dehydration, depression dating
the d dating out of a death said depression and dehydration. Okay,
these men will They can sense that you only got
a little bit of gas in your tank.
Speaker 1: They can sense that you're on your last strap.
Speaker 3: Okay, that's just really not a time to be dating.
So if you look at dating as more lighthearted, every
time I'm dating, I'm thinking about what how can I
get to know myself more? And what could I learn
from this person? That's what I'm thinking about when I'm dating. Okay,
I'm just like, what is this person gonna show me
about myself? And what could I learn from this person?
Is this person going to give me great experiences? Are
they gonna give me knowledge? Are they going to be
a good time? Are they gonna take me to do
something that I've never done before. When you think about
dating as more lighthearted, I feel like it just it
just neutralizes everything. Maybe you're not scared of getting the
heartbroke and you're not scared to attract the narcissts. You're
not scared to dosh lighting up, have a time you
are marchness, be a tea girl, okay, because some of
y'all cracked out coffee girls. And it's giving that when
you're dating. Just calm down, relax, trust yourself, know your boundaries,
and then you know that you're not playable. Like I
always say, you can't get played if you're not playable.
So just really work on yourself, really heal past that,
let the guard down, and ironically put yourself in positions
to be hurt or that you just you may not
really like the person, it may not work out as
soon as I start thinking of people as experiences and
not like my final stop or trying to see it.
Speaker 1: And this was my husband.
Speaker 3: If I was gone, dating got so much better for me,
so much better.
Speaker 5: I find for me when I was dating, currently dating,
i'm in a relationship, I tend to love the next
person more. I'm even more of a love girl for
the next person because I'm like, all right, well this
didn't work, this is not what I want, this does
not work for me. I've narrow let down.
Speaker 4: And now.
Speaker 1: Are we in a relationship.
Speaker 3: Huh, so we gonna see you offline?
Speaker 1: No, that's right, period, But we in a relationship.
Speaker 3: We are in a relationship anyways, a little clock that
we'll be talking about that offline over look over my tail.
Speaker 1: Absolutely believe that, no note. So yeah, girl, believe in yourself.
Trust yourself. Relax, You're gonna be just fine.
Speaker 3: Date for you. Dating for you is dating for your child.
Relax while you're dating, think about them just being an experience,
and don't be attached to the outcome. If it works out,
it works out. If he turned out to be a
good guy, cool. If he turned out to be shady
and inconsistent, cool you cool e the way, that type
of mentality that gets you for a Trust me tell
you what I heard, what I know? AnyWho onto our
bitch you smell good segments we have y'all know how
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To think of about this though, it's that you start
to get that Turkish rolls and that sweet mud that
comes out, and it settles in a very sweet way,
but it almost kind of gets I think that's that
that honey and amber too. But to me it still
also gives like a base of like a kind of
Arabian ood musky kind of oh there is musky or
white musk.
Speaker 5: Sweet mm hmm. It's too sweet for me. But also
you know, sometimes when you spray these, you gotta wait
for it to sell it and then he'd be like,
oh yeah, I like that, but.
Speaker 1: I'm not really a sweet girl either.
Speaker 5: But this is fairly sweet, which is interesting.
Speaker 3: It is, but I think what we're smelling is the
vanilla and the sweet mrr. Also it has honey in
it as well. It's sweet, but.
Speaker 1: It's grown like.
Speaker 3: This is not a bathroom body work sweet. This is
not a body miss swe This is like.
Speaker 1: Or like a peach strawberry sweet. This is suckling. Yes,
it's woody. It's cedar. Wood is in here.
Speaker 3: It's sucklent succulent. It's like really warm and sexy. Anyhow,
I love to recommend too good, not in the cole's favorite,
but hey, we can't win them all. We can't win
them all, but this will be the first one where
I'm like, I know, I know, but look where and
see if somebody say so.
Speaker 1: That's my test.
Speaker 3: I a would say where and see what somebody says.
I got a couple of fragrances that I can't stand
them on me, but every time I.
Speaker 1: Wear it, people love it. So I wear it. I
wear it for the plots.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, our red Flag Report living Together before Marriage
test run or marriage rehearsal. On a recent episode of
the Shade Room hosts Tom Capon and Zach got into
a passionate debate about a questions about a question that's
splitting couple. Should you live with someone before you're married.
Tone Capon is firmly against it. I've tried it twice,
fail miserably both times. He admitted, if we're not married,
we're not living together. But Zack challenged his logic, asking
if those relationships failed while y'all were living together, do
you think that you've succeeded just because you were married,
that they would have succeeded just because you were married.
Tone's answer was no. He admitted marriage wouldn't have changed
the outcome, but still feels cohabitation without commitment sets the
wrong president. Social media chimed and divided. As ever, those
against living together pre marriage often argue and mimics marriage
without actual commitment, people get too comfortable and delay proposing.
It can blur rolls and expectations. Those for believe you
don't truly know someone until you.
Speaker 1: Share a space.
Speaker 3: It helps reveal habits, conflicts, and values. It avoids surprises
once you say I do. The question is if a
relationship only works when you have separate home should you
even be aiming for marriage? Or are people using no
cohabitation before marriage as a way to avoid seeing the
real person behind the marriage.
Speaker 1: I think that's what it says.
Speaker 3: Here's my thing and our good sis Nasa sitting on
our couple episodes ago, she said, give or take ten
to fifteen percent, however this man is while you're living together,
give or take ten to fifteen percent. When y'all gonna
get into that marriage or you're not living together, the
varying degree of who that person is should be only
ten to fifteen percent.
Speaker 1: All of you.
Speaker 3: Oh well, you never truly know somebody. Let me tell
you this. If somebody is a twenty and turn out
to be a fucking seventy when you move in with them,
you got a problem that person. It shouldn't vary that
much when you're living with someone.
Speaker 5: Okay.
Speaker 3: Also, what kind of relationship do y'all have if y'all
live in close enough proxim me y'all going to see
each other, y'all visiting each other, y'all saying you got
your shit over there, you stand over there, you're spending
the night, you got a key, you're driving his fucking car,
you're sleeping in his sweat.
Speaker 1: What more do you need?
Speaker 3: You know what he eats, you know how he eats,
you know if he leave the toilet heat up or not.
Speaker 1: What more do you need? That's a stamp.
Speaker 3: Baby, I'm gonna tell you this, and I'm a knockna
will because like God likes to make a joke out
of me sometimes, you know, sometimes he really got a
sense of humor. And so I won't speak too soon,
but I'm gonna go I'm gonna veer on the side
of I'm not living with you.
Speaker 5: I'm in the graients. I will say that change as
I got older. When I was younger, I did feel like, oh,
I need to live with the person to understand who
they were and all those things. And when I moved
in with X and Mi, I was just like, Oh,
this ain't it. And then the older guy, I've realized
you are who you are in reality is either you're
ready for marriage or you're not. Us living together and
living separately not determined if we're ready for marriage or not.
So I don't believe that I need to live with
you in four walls to know who you are. If
I can go back to so many documentaries that I
watch in couples that I work with who were married
for fifteen twenty years and they didn't know who their
wife was, or they didn't know who the husband was
living double us. That does not mean you gonna know
who that person is.
Speaker 3: Yes, I think also too ironically this has I have
softened up on that perspective as I got older in
the opposite direction, let me tell you this here, I'm
thirty seven years old. If your ass come and snatch
me up and say, hey, guess what we're doing, I'm
in a very submissive state in my life right now. Okay,
I am anti living with a man.
Speaker 1: But the right.
Speaker 3: One come along and he like, hey, this is what
we're doing, I will gladly pack my shit up. Like
I said, I ain't got a dog, a kid, or
a goldfish. Okay, I ain't got I'm not tied anywhere.
I could work from my phone.
Speaker 1: I got very flexable schedule. Okay.
Speaker 3: If the right man come in and he go, hey,
I've been through worse, why not shit, why not try
it out? I have never lived with a man, I've
never been engaged, so I just feel like, hey, what's wrong?
Speaker 1: Better than getting what you do?
Speaker 5: In text?
Speaker 3: What's your favorite color? I mean, honestly, if a man.
If I meet a man, and I think that's the thing.
I think I have such great discernment to so I
have good discernment. And so if I meet a man
and we just vibing, well, he's just.
Speaker 1: Like baby, I just want tru to be closer than me,
gonna pack my shit.
Speaker 5: Like you said, though, right, it's because you've never done it.
So you're doing something that you haven't done. Yes, I
think my perspective changed because something that I did. And now, no,
I don't have nothing holding me down. But I just
know for me, I'm not moving in with anybody until
we marry. You not moving into my house and I'm
not moving into yours. Now, what we can do is,
once we get married, we could be building a property
and we decide to rent one out and live in one.
We can do that. But you're not gonna get rid
of your place and I'm not getting rid of mine.
Speaker 3: Okay, So what do you think it is? Do you
feel like what do you feel like you lose when
you move in with somebody when you're not married.
Speaker 5: So that's the thing. I don't feel like I'm losing anything,
which is why I don't feel the need to move
in with you, because also what am I gaining? Okay, right,
some people will say, well, financially it's cheaper. It's this cheaper,
don't mean it's better for me, And so I think
a lot of people get caught up in that. I
don't feel like I will lose myself. I also don't
feel like I would lose my relationship if I don't
move in with you. That's the thing. I don't feel
like I'm losing anything.
Speaker 3: Do you think that they're slower to the actual marriage,
like slower to propose and marry if you move in
with someone.
Speaker 5: I believe for some people yes, because it became it
becomes what we moved in together. Well, we were already
doing this. We could just take our time and before
you know it, years have passed you by. But then
I've seen for other people they move in it's like, okay,
we have to make this official at this point because
we're living together. I have stuff of my name and
stuff in your name. We need to make this one union.
So I see it going both ways, but for me,
I'm not. But I'm also on the side of I
don't necessarily feel like I need to live with my
husband one hundred percent of the time.
Speaker 1: Can we talk about LAT living. Let me tell you this.
I'm just saying, it's so funny. I saw a girl
on EX. I wanna say twitter X. Okay.
Speaker 3: I saw a girl on X and she said, is
it bad that I want to like be with my
man and actually be married but I don't want to share?
Speaker 1: I say, hey, okay, that's.
Speaker 3: Called LAT living living apart together, baby, and listen, I'm
the leader of that committee.
Speaker 1: I think we need to bring this back.
Speaker 3: It's a twenty twenty six Okay, LAT living living apart together,
and that basically means that y'all are together in a
full fledged relationship, but you have separate dwellings. And for
all you people that be like, oh, what do we
have kids go to your daddy house. You're gonna go
to your daddy house and we're gonna pick up and
we gonna have trips and we're gonna for a huh.
Speaker 5: There's an actress that actually they've been married for like
twenty years and they never live together and are happily married.
Speaker 1: I think it's a great thing.
Speaker 5: So that's why it's also like do I need to
move in again? Older than me is like I don't
think I need it. I am okay, yes, I don't
feel like I'm losing out on anything.
Speaker 1: And look make that way. Put look big bank, take
a little bank.
Speaker 3: If that's what you want, put that ring on my finger.
Shepherd me into your life and build us a home
because I don't want to move into your house that
you have now. I want a new house that you
built for me and us in our life and our fourth.
Speaker 1: AnyWho. That's all, folks. We will see you next time
Speaker 3: As