Speaker 1: Good morning from Hell. I'm Chris, and I died recently
and my eternal punishment is to do this podcast where
I interview everyone in Hell with my co host Clayton,
who is routing for President of Hell against his brother Satan.
We recently had the Democratic debate for the primaries. Clayton,
how did it go?
Speaker 2: It went great? It was me versus Rita repulsive versus
Richard Nixon versus Lord Voldemort's. I was kicking their asses.
And then Rita Repulsive cheated, She got her staff, grew
up super big with a bunch of water poured down
because she popped out underneath the ocean. That was our
bad who probably should have held the election somewhere else.
And then immediately after we held the primary election, and
guess who won?
Speaker 1: Well, didn't Richard Nixon win?
Speaker 2: He did, actually he got the most votes, but that
being said, when the water came down, he got hit
with water. Turns out he's a witch evaporated. So guess
who then won?
Speaker 1: Will read a repulsa one. She got right seconds, the votes.
Speaker 2: Right right, but then you know she went She's in
my a. She's up on Earth. We don't know. She
might be in space. Anyways, then then guess who won?
Speaker 1: Well, Voldemart Voldemort got the third most votes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, technically he did, yes, but he drowned because he
was covered in a bunch of his robes. Plus that
little nose didn't do him any favors. So so then
then guess who won?
Speaker 1: Clayton.
Speaker 2: That's right, flatman, you won. That's bright, baby, We're going
to the Red House. We're gonna go fight my brother.
Everything's going according to plan. Boom, Clayton's on the ballot.
Speaker 1: So yeah, you're the official candidate against Satan.
Speaker 2: That's right.
Speaker 1: Congrats.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and to really, you know, bring it home and
to launch the next stage of my election tour, we're
launching a new merchandise Chris, bring that box in, come
on in.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, so we got some Clayton for President merch here.
Speaker 2: That's right after the last time Chris fucked up the order,
just the wrong shirt. I took it another chance. All right,
let's see it. Ooh, look at that.
Speaker 1: You'll see there it is not paint.
Speaker 2: It is not it's great. It's a nice great it's
got Ooh, there it is vote Clayton for president of Hell.
That's good stuff. Good funt I see that that liberal
arts degree is really paying off.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm pretty happy with it.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go ahead and put this on.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's comfortable too. Yeah, it feels good on my nipples.
All nineteen of them. Yes, Chris, go won't you go
ahead and put one on? All right?
Speaker 3: But what is that?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 2: What? What is yours? Say? It says vote, that doesn't
say Clayton, that says just vote Gambo for president?
Speaker 1: Did you what gamb? Why would it say gambo?
Speaker 2: What does it say gambo? I don't know why I
says gambo? How did I'm looking for this box? How
did you? Half of these shirts say vote gambo?
Speaker 1: Okay, let me check my email. Uh okay, oh right,
look see it says right there, the text says Clayton.
And then I said, and then I have a crutch.
Speaker 2: Oh well what I don't know. He must have been
a typo or something or there's no auto correct for
Clayton to gambo. Wait, I was emailing gambo. He paid
for this shirt. Mike can't pay funds. Half of them
turned out great?
Speaker 1: Okay, it's only half the shirts. Huh? I mean he
can't even run, He's I mean you've already won the primary.
I mean, it wouldn't even make sense. He's not even
running right office.
Speaker 2: He can't even physically run because he's got short, little stubby,
mushroom penis legs. So yeah, don't don't buy the Gambo shirt,
buy the Clayton shirt. Support me, vote for me, support
our show.
Speaker 1: I don't know how my phone would auto correct.
Speaker 2: I don't know either. I think that that's an.
Speaker 1: I'm not allowed to I don't know why. Yeah, so
who is our guest for this week?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: This might actually come as a surprise you, But we
do have a working relationship with Heaven, and sometimes it's
good to share resources, and you know, for us to
better understand the culture of heaven will up demons and
then sometimes they'll want, you know, angel students to come
down to here to learn from us. So you know,
they send down foreign exchangels.
Speaker 1: But foreign exchange.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a it's an angel who's in a foreign
exchange program. Therefore they're a foreign exchangel. Okay. Yeah, I
could not have spelt it out any more clearly that
it's so very accurately describes what they are.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, and then why do they want to talk
to you.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean they want to be on a podcast, right,
I mean, we're Hell's number one podcast. They probably want
to learn about our culture, and I'm you know, culture
king down here. Also, they probably know that I'm gonna
be president soon, so you know, they probably want to
get in good with the with the big guy downstairs
that's me.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Anyways, so we're bringing on a young fellow.
Speaker 3: Come on in, Angelo, ooh salutation, Thanks so much for
having me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, thanks for being here.
Speaker 3: Man.
Speaker 1: So your name is Angela. My name is Angelo, Angel,
the Angel, Angelo, the Angel. Uh huh, you can just
call me Angel in the morning though, Angel? Hey, am
I too bright? Should I turn it down? Is this okay?
Speaker 3: I can go dimmer? You?
Speaker 2: Could you tone it down? Your heavenly uh you know, presence.
It's just yes, it's harsh in my eyes.
Speaker 3: I'll put my glow to it. Two yeah, two point
five because I don't want to dull my shine too much.
Speaker 2: All right, I got it.
Speaker 1: You smell great.
Speaker 3: It's oh, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not used to smelling cookies.
Speaker 3: Yeah. In heaven we call that c K one. It
stands for one cookie.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that's that's that's great that perfumes and colones
and Hell are a little bit different freely wicked.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then hell, we have colones. I'm currently here, Chris,
have a smell. I'm wearing butt.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and Hell you call them colons, right.
Speaker 2: Our colones are called colons.
Speaker 3: That is right, Angel, Rumor spreads, Rumor spreads.
Speaker 1: That's I guess one of the things you've learned here
in Hell.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Oh man, this is fascinating. You know, I got the
Lonely Afterlife Guide to Hell, but it's not at all
what I expected. It's so much more vibrant, And I
just feel like there's so many fun people down here,
and nobody's stranger. Everyone's just a friend I haven't met yet.
Can I get a picture with you? Two?
Speaker 1: H sure?
Speaker 2: I see I'm not here.
Speaker 3: Okay, let me just turn on my halo kind of
acts as a ring light here. Let's do it for
the gram. Everybody say for the gram, for the gram,
for the gram. Share that picture with all the Gramma's
in heaven with all the grams.
Speaker 1: Angelo, what are you down here studying? Exactly? Are you?
I mean, I notice you don't have wings? Are you
trying to earn your wings or where are your wings?
Speaker 3: Yeah? So I haven't earned my wings yet. So every
angel who wants to earn their wings has to go
through a foreign exchangel program. So I'm down here. I'm
majoring in Noah's architecture and that's basically how to build
a boat that will sustain for at least one hundred days.
So that's what I'm down here. I'm down to you
kind of you know, get the feel, get the vibe,
learn how to craft and.
Speaker 1: Build nice nice So what's all that business about?
Speaker 2: You know, every time a bell rings, an angel gets
its wings? Did that just not work out?
Speaker 3: See? So that's a little bit outdated. So between the
years zero and I thirty five, it was basically like,
oh boy, had to explain this. Have you guys ever
been to Long John Silver's? You know, I leave along
John Silvers and they have a bell where it says
like if we did a good job, ring the bell
and everybody rings the bell. You know when you used
to die and go to heaven, what you would do
is just ring a bell and poof, you got your wings.
So there's no sort of like nobody's sort of checking
to make sure you were supposed to be there. There's
no list, you know, with Saint Peter and all that.
So they've tightened up security a little bit after five
twenty five, and we all know what went down then,
just security got a little bit tighter. So and even
friends used to be able to visit you in the
gates of Heaven, you know, even if your friend went
to purgatory or Hell, they could still visit you in
that sort of gated area, go to the food court
and everything. But now unless you're going to Heaven, you
can't even get near the gate. So things have changed.
Speaker 2: I imagine once the church bells really took off, you know,
in popularity, there was dudes walking around with like twenty
pairs of wings, you know, and they're I was getting
out hand.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. So many people would overdo
it and then they just look like freaks. Speaking of freaks,
I saw so many spiders here with human legs. Is
that a thing? Is that like a local creature? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're actually humans with spider bodies.
Speaker 3: Oh okay, I must be stupid.
Speaker 1: Sorry, no, no, I had the same mistake whenever I
learned Oh yeah.
Speaker 3: So I have this alexia. But for my eyes. I'm
joking you goofs Gubers, Well.
Speaker 2: You are quite pleasant. But to explain the Man Spider thing,
I became a fan of Spider Man, and then I
just you know, started turning in all of my old
slaves into Spider people. And it just didn't you know,
it wasn't the same as the Sam Raimi movie.
Speaker 1: And then so I guess how often do angels like
visit Hell? You have to come down to Hell? Are
there other I guess after life places you could visit?
Speaker 3: There's a few afterlife places. So there's sort of a
list that God gives out and he says, you know,
here's the here's the places we can go, and you know,
he'll tape it off onto a locker and all the
angels will crowd around and be like, where are we going?
Where we're going? So it's basically Hell, Purgatory, Zion National
Park in Utah, and Paris. So I went to Paris
last year and did you know that in winter the
Eiffel Tower shrinks six inches.
Speaker 2: It's not the only one that shrinks in the winter.
Speaker 3: So, yeah, I've been everywhere else and and Hell was
the last place on my list. So I thought to
come down here and you know, learn about Noah's architecture
and get a feel. So what, oh, can I I
have so many questions? What is the biggest export of Hell?
Speaker 2: Oh, we're mixing it up. Who's asking questions? Is it us?
The interviewers? Are you? Well? Our main exports mostly YouTubers,
you know, people that have big personalities, but you know,
really short attention spans, very annoying. You know, we we
we mass produced those guys on.
Speaker 3: On so in Heaven. Our biggest import is forgiveness, and
our biggest export has been Satan.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, not a lot of people know that, but yeah,
down here. Satan tried to keep it hush hush that
you used to be an angel. You know, he doesn't
want that getting out. But I know, I screaming on
the streets.
Speaker 3: You know. I'm staying at a well, I was going
to stay at a hostile because I wanted to travel
on a budget. But then I saw there were some
nice error bnb's where they'll always you know, f something up.
But I ended up staying at a local mote Hell
six x six and I just have to say, like,
the food is so interesting and the service is non existent.
It is a g D blast can you curse in heaven? Well?
G D in heaven stands for giant dog, so we know.
And Hell there's is it cerebus? Yes?
Speaker 2: Servers, yes, service.
Speaker 3: I always confuse that dog from Hell with the three
heads and then the computer from the X Men. I
always mix them up.
Speaker 1: So you mentioned your biggest import being forgiveness? Do you
have any of that with you right now? That I could?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 3: Sorry, I mean I'll answer. Every angel it travels does
get three forgiveness tokens, So I have that. And then
I also brought some food from heaven if anybody wants
to try some. Let's see when I brought here. I
have some ambro, I have some hair pasta and some
food cake. So if anybody wants to try anything, we
can do sort of a exchange of cultures.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I would love to try some of it.
I don't have any food, certainly, not any hair postsa.
I have hair.
Speaker 3: Okay, well, are you an angel?
Speaker 2: No? No, he's In fact.
Speaker 3: If you're an angel and you cut your hair, it's
automatically food, which is pretty pretty nice, pretty convenient carbs though,
am I right?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Unfortunately the only thing that I have to present to
you is a Devil's food cake.
Speaker 3: Oh oh, and is that glaze? Does that come?
Speaker 2: Yeah? It is?
Speaker 1: It is, Yeah, fresh fresh batcha he makes it himself,
homemade family recipe.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna pass on that.
Speaker 2: Oh you sure, that's kind offensive?
Speaker 3: Okay, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: That's nice to have that option.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Have y'all ever been to purgatory? I mean the
food there is like it's pretty bland.
Speaker 2: Yeah, water, oatmeal, not seasoned.
Speaker 3: I haven't really gotten out much really, So what kind
of architecture do you have here in Hell? In Heaven?
We have the pearly gates. Used to be the pearl
ish gates. Now they're pearly, which is basically it's like
a balsa wood covered in pearls. That's why it's pear lee.
But we are trying to reevent things. I am trying
to you know, I have a petition going to try
and make them just pearl gates, so that they are
fully made of pearl because we have so many people
bite them, you know, trying to get in and just
have some fun. It's a good picture. But what are
some features of Hell's do you have? Like slag mites?
Slag tights. What's going on?
Speaker 2: We got all the slags, you know. We also have
you know, anything that you approach and you feel like
you could get some sort of like tetanus infection from,
you know, we have it down here.
Speaker 1: There are also a lot of mites just oh yeah,
bogs that will you know attack, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: We also like to kind of do some cages filled
with human beings, you know, and those will be like walls,
you know, not a lot of privacy, but boy does
it look good. It really ties the room together.
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, I have to ask. I'm so sorry
to just sort of like fanboy out obviously, Clayton. I
know you and I think you said your name was Chris,
but I just want to know, is Nicholas Cage going
to hell? You just brought up cages and now I'm
freaking out. Leaving Las Vegas is like my favorite movie.
Speaker 2: We're still you know, hose crossed because we were still
going to sort out our draft. You know, you guys
might get him, but I'm hoping he's gonna be down here.
Speaker 3: That would be a gd dream if he came up there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I know. There's been a lot of a
debate because you know, originally you know, it was an
angel in the City of Angels, but then also then
sold to Soul for a ghostwriter, so it's kind of
like a in between things. Both sides kind of have
custody God.
Speaker 3: You know, it is weird because I don't know if
you all know this, but Los Angeles is technically part
of Heaven. It is third Heaven, so I live in
seventh Heaven. There is third Heaven, which is like Los
Angeles and Sodona in a few other places. But it
is always interesting for people to not even know that
they're actually living in a section of Heaven and then
be so debauchrous. So it's kind of a test. We
you know, God put Los Angeles on Earth as a
test to sort of see how people would behave when
they have perfect weather and drugs and a high rent.
So it is it is just interesting. Not too sorry
to not to harp on the subject. Sorry angel joke.
But speaking of the architecture here, is there any sort
of weak points in terms of like I don't know,
like anything you need to rebuild because it's starting to
falter or starting to crumble.
Speaker 2: There's a bit of a leak you know, going on
in the Fifth Ring of Hell. But I mean I don't.
I don't know why you need to know that. It's
kind of weird.
Speaker 1: I mean, well, that's one of the things that Clayton,
you know, if he's elected, one of his campaign promises,
you know, he wants to rebuild some of the walls
of the Fifth Ring.
Speaker 2: Yeah, walls are a really big part of my campaign.
I don't know why people love them, but people want walls.
Speaker 3: So yeah, okay, sorry, let me just jot this down
in my field once here ring what.
Speaker 2: Else he got written down there? Just out of curiosity.
Speaker 3: Let's see here, I have the word hubris and that's
scratched out just to make sure I don't indulge in that.
Uh what else do I have? Well, I am studying
for the act and that's how I kind of get
my wings. And that is the Angel Comprehension test. So typically,
like I said, it used to be you just ring
a bell and you got your wings, easy peasy. But
now you're given ten questions. It's a written test and
for every question you are giving a scenario and you
just have to answer what would Jesus do? So if
you answer all ten right then you know, bingo bengo,
you get your wings and you're off to the races.
So that is that's sort of what I'm studying for
at all times.
Speaker 1: Have you gotten to meet Jesus? Is he pretty No?
Speaker 3: I have not yet. Like I said, I am studying
Noah's architecture, and I have met Noah. His class was
pretty tough. He gives two of every test, which is
in my opinion, a little wonky. But by guns beat
by guns. Oh you know something funny. And speaking of
what I've seen in architecture, I have hidden down on
my field nuns here that all the urinals here are
covered in blood.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that's that's pretty common. Yeah, it's very very
normal for you to have multiple sdis and for it
to just oh like hell yeah.
Speaker 1: I will say this though sometimes it isn't inherently just
people peeing blood. It Sometimes people's anuses are already bleeding
and they sit on the urinals because there's not a
lot of chairs, and the chairs that are there typically
you're electrics. There's always some sort of gimmick to the chairs.
Speaker 3: You know, gotch Yeah, currently I'm sitting on a pitchfork
and boys Mayana is tired.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, that was by design. That's how we do
things down now. You know, even your bed it's a
it's a gayoteen, you know.
Speaker 1: Oh so angela on the subject of heaven and coming down,
did it hurt?
Speaker 3: No, it did not. I fell from heaven, but it is.
It's almost like have you ever been to You're from Earth,
so you've probably been to like an Earth bank.
Speaker 1: Uh huh huh.
Speaker 3: So it's like a pneumatic tube. So basically I just
go into that and shoop, I'm I'm here in less
than a millisecond travel. That's a speed of light.
Speaker 2: So did you come down with like a sucker or
like a dog treat?
Speaker 3: Yeah, we do. We do get dumb dumbs. I have
a mystery flavor. Do you want to know the secret?
It's a pineapple. It's always pineapple, you know, And here's
some inside knowledge from heaven. So us angels, you know,
I've I've had my fair share of being a guardian angel.
So that's something you do, is when you're an angel
and trainy sort of thing. And anytime it's the mystery flavor,
the ingredient is pineapple. Anytime somebody says I can't tell
you the secret ingredient because then I don't have to
kill you. The ingredients brown sugar. So that's if you
ever watch the network. We watch a lot of Food
Network in heaven, and so that's what that is.
Speaker 1: So you are a guardian angel. So is there a
lot of like training for that? Are you? Do you
fight for that? Or who are you guarding?
Speaker 3: Yeah? So you're basically responsible for someone. So what you
do is you basically sit on the right shoulder and
you know if they're about to do something irresponsible, you
just kind of whisper in your ear like, hey, come on,
you know better than this, you know. And and then
also as a guardian angel, another thing you are responsible
for is all the descendants of that person. So, Chris,
when did you die?
Speaker 1: Oh about nine months ago?
Speaker 3: Okay, I don't want your life story, So you die
about nine months ago, So basically your guardian angel. What
happens is they take all your deceased relatives that have
ever existed, and the guardian angel sort of ushers them
in to watch anytime you masturbate. So that's something we do,
you know, just to sort of shame you so that
you can kind of feel their eyes on you, and
we feel like that's the best thing. It's sort of
a passive aggressive technique that we've adopted.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it didn't work for me personally, but I felt
the shame, but it didn't stop me.
Speaker 2: Gotcha, gotcha, it never does, Angela. Did you ever run
into a demon or a devil on that person's shoulder,
like on the on the other side, is that ever happened?
What are those interactions?
Speaker 3: Like? It is a little awkward. So sometimes we'll be like,
don't do that, and then a demon will pop up
and be like, no, do it faster, or like you know,
pornhub dot com, and then you know, I'm just like, gosh,
you lookers. So we typically lose that battle and we
sort of turned the other cheeks. So yeah, it is
a little a little frustrating.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we've we've actually chained our demons to turn both
of their cheeks at you.
Speaker 3: Guys.
Speaker 2: We're very territorial. I apologize if we've had if you
had any negative experiences with that, but I mean, gotcha.
Speaker 3: Yeah. So you mentioned the Fifth Ring of Hell and
you said there's a leak here. Sorry, what is what's
currently leaking? Is that just like blood visceraun.
Speaker 2: A, colum Bee and some lava. Yeah, you know, it's
just we had a attempted to break out not too
long ago. They were promptly captured. Their limbs were removed.
We took care of the problem.
Speaker 3: But oh yikes, bikes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, darn yeah, but we're we're we'll patch it ups you. No,
I'm not too worried about it.
Speaker 3: Limbs removed? What are they? A tree? Angel? Joke is
we have pretty soft humor.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it's pretty typical to try and escape.
I did a lot of it my first few months.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: And again, any opportunity I get, I I kind of
go for right.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and sorry, have you foun anything that works in
terms of escaping hell or sort of getting in or out?
Is there any anything you found that works?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Christ tell us.
Speaker 1: Getting in, I guess was way easier than I thought.
I mean, honestly, just I just lived my life. I
guess I've masturbated too much in front of family. That's
a big one. So yeah, that wasn't my problem. Getting out.
I've tried like floating to the top and then trying
to tunnel my way out.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry. Where was that? Like the sort of you know,
a gum to your head coordinates.
Speaker 1: Well, word on the street is there's actually a right
to the left shore of the by Satan's Mountain. It's
actually a little little shallower there, and so that's your
best bet at getting through and breaking through the surface.
Speaker 2: At least Chris several times over there, you know, he
gives me on my toes, but you know I cut
off his.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, sorry, let me write this down. And you
said that was back into the left Yeah, yeah, JFK,
just freaking, just freaking kidding. He's not heaven. He is
not in heaven.
Speaker 2: You seem really interested in trying to get down here.
I mean, what's there?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm just interested because again this test, so if
you know anything about the sort of weaknesses or the
structures you said, cal Um A column B are those
actual columns?
Speaker 2: And hell, you know Angelo, I'm not too comfortable sharing
this kind of information. I mean, you know, technically speaking,
you guys are still are in me, you know, And
then I don't want you guys coming down here and
attacking THO.
Speaker 3: We wouldn't do that. No flaming swords in my pocket.
I'm just trying to earn my wings. I'm just you know,
I'm like a drunk pilot trying to earn my wings. Oh, Clayton,
I should have asked you and your brother, what kind
of powers do you have, like in terms of like strength,
like are you like immortal Hulk or like a regular Hulk,
or like, what's your thing dark wing duck were if
we were if we were to fight, which we won't,
what's your sort of stamina and ranking?
Speaker 2: Well, I guess obviously we both had a lot of firepower.
You know, literally we control fire, gotcha. Yeah, I mean
Satan's just like a hair taller than me. But I
mean we both I'd say we'd equal strength.
Speaker 3: Okay, you know, but is there a place like if
I were to like accidentally kind of flick you with
a finger, you'd go like, ou cheese? Is there a
spot on your body like that? No? Really? Oh okay,
must be nice.
Speaker 1: I mean I don't know if that's entirely true.
Speaker 3: I mean no, sorry, I'm repeating myself the angel motto,
I must be nice.
Speaker 1: Okay. Yeah, well, I mean there's been a couple of
encounters where Clayton didn't win against his brother, so yeah,
he definitely I mean what was.
Speaker 3: The argument about, let me sorry, let me get my field.
Speaker 1: Nice. Well, Satan's not too happy that his brother's running
against him in the campaign. Obviously he's not. He doesn't
seem worried, but.
Speaker 3: In sorry campaign. Yeah, so just speak to me like
I'm dumb.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, no, I mean I'm running for president for help.
You know, my brother currently holds the office, and I'm
trying to usurp him.
Speaker 3: So president. Okay, we we based on our knowledge. Satan
was the CEO of hel So it's interesting that you've
moved from from less of a business perspective and more
of like a democracy.
Speaker 2: So let me we prefer demonocracy.
Speaker 3: Okay. Do you have any pictures of your brother? Oh
my gosh, can I see some pictures of.
Speaker 1: You know him?
Speaker 2: I mean yeah, I got some over here on my desk.
Don't make let me grow those for you.
Speaker 1: Oh that's us.
Speaker 2: Uh, it's visiting the river Dicks. Oh yeah, Mom took
that Lucy Lucy fer.
Speaker 1: Showed the one from hates Giving.
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, here we go, my brother. There's Chris, you
know he's Oh.
Speaker 3: Is that hates Giving? Is that a porn ucopia?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: I mean I wouldn't know. I would not. I've just
you know, i've seen people master.
Speaker 1: Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, actually that was a gift from Freud. Freud.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you look closely. He's actually, uh, you know, banging
my mom in the background of this picture.
Speaker 3: Can I take a picture of that picture? Is that
weird or is that Fun's that's fun? Uh?
Speaker 2: You know, you know, I'll be nice. You know you're
you're you're new around here. I'm not used to your customs.
But that's yeah, you knock yourself out.
Speaker 3: Oh, thank you so much. Let me just yeah, you
get my ring light on here and snap seas.
Speaker 2: That's a nice camera. That's it's a it's really lovely.
Can I can I take a look at that?
Speaker 3: I prefer you don't but have to be nice?
Speaker 2: No, yeah, you do have to be nice. Yeah, that's
kind of you guys. Roll okay, keep thee Wow, Okay.
You have a lot.
Speaker 3: Of weird pictures, like you know, you mean like the
film song because it's coda chron like the song.
Speaker 2: No, it's like you have like pictures of some of
the I mean a lot of these are.
Speaker 3: Oh don't get these don't forbidden.
Speaker 2: Don't you're not supposed to be.
Speaker 3: Fucking camera down, the fucking camera down. Everybody on the ground,
on the ground.
Speaker 2: Whoa, he's got a score gun? What is it? What's
in that?
Speaker 3: Oh? What's in this? It's a little h two O
holy water?
Speaker 2: Oh no, Chris, Chris, do what he says. Do what
he says, right, I like you.
Speaker 3: I'm Moxie. I'm one of the original ten Angels. What
and my goal is to bust into Hell?
Speaker 2: I thought, how can you angels even participate in It's
be nae. It's like deception and stucking.
Speaker 3: You hear your fucking self. You sound like a fucking moron.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, listen, there's no reason we can't get
out of this alive. And I'll just go up to heaven. Okay,
So let's just do what he says.
Speaker 3: You're not going you want to go to heaven?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, if that's what you want, if you
if you're gonna force me to yes, I will.
Speaker 2: I will.
Speaker 3: Okay. Oh oh my gosh. All you have to do
was ask.
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, calm down, come down, just don't shoot. Okay.
All right, I've got the blueprints, the secret blue prints
to the Red House where Satan lives right over here.
All right, I'm gonna get him right here.
Speaker 3: What cop, motherfucker, piece of ship.
Speaker 2: He's right, Dens, there's a rounding this place at this moment.
Speaker 3: You're getting geeky fuck. Suck my fucking dick, you piece
of fuck. Oh okay, here's what we're gonna do. One,
I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking knee with my
holy water. Oh so good stings, don't it? And just
like sting, that pain's gonna last for forty eight hours.
It's tantric pain. Motherfucker.
Speaker 2: Oh Chris, you gotta stop him.
Speaker 3: Chris, yeah, Chris, Oh stop me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we kind of need to do what he says,
you know, because like, man, no.
Speaker 3: He's right, Clayton's right, stop me, stop me. I'm an
ancient angel. What could I possibly Oh help me?
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm trying to help them, you know. I'll do
whatever you want, Like, do you want to take me
as a hostage up to heaven?
Speaker 3: You'll do whatever I want? Yeah, dick between your legs.
Speaker 1: I don't it got cut off?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, no, it's no longer on him.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I haven't earned it, you know, like you haven't earned
your wings. I haven't earned my dick back. Okay, so
that's just.
Speaker 3: How I have wings. Let me just oh my god, there.
Speaker 2: Are huge past security.
Speaker 3: So these are like albatross wings are huge as hell,
and I'm very, very powerful, and don't even try anything
on me.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, all right, Well we can hear that the
demon army is outside. They've surrounded the building. You're not
getting out of here, all right, man? So like, oh on,
they're calling me on my hell phone. Hold on, uh
huh yeah, no, he's right here, you know he's holy water,
holy water. Yeah, all right, here, he is here. It's
for you.
Speaker 3: What kind of hell you planned to you? Oh? Yeah,
well that makes sense, that makes sense. Hello, who am
I talking to? My name is Moxy m o x
I E yes like the soda. Yes, it's going delicious.
My demands now, I see why Kevin spacey plazy people. Okay,
here's what I want. I want to face to face
with Satan. Okay, no iffsands or butts about it, all right?
And I want a pound of Devil's Fooit cake with
the com yes, and I want you to open the
fifth ring of Hell. I want you to knock it down.
I want you to let all the other angels in
and I want a nineteen ninety eight Dodge Durango. I
know they're down here. We have ninety seven and then
it picks backup at ninety nine. We don't have the
ninety eight. I want one of those.
Speaker 1: If you want, do you want me?
Speaker 3: Hold on? Hold on a second? What's that?
Speaker 1: Did he did you want me?
Speaker 3: Do I want you?
Speaker 1: I mean just saying if, because then you could take
me up, and then you can. I always ask. I'm
a good like negotiation tech.
Speaker 3: Okay, give me three reasons why you should go to heaven.
Speaker 1: Well, one, you know I'm a hard worker. Oh, if anything,
I worked too hard.
Speaker 3: Oh you know who else was a hard worker, Genghis Khan.
That's funny. I don't remember seeing him in heaven.
Speaker 1: I also, I make really good breakfast.
Speaker 3: How good?
Speaker 1: It's sinfully good.
Speaker 3: Well, we don't eat sinfully good breakfast. God damn it. Okay,
we're on the paleo diet, and and just like your
fucking breakfast, you're scrambling like eggs.
Speaker 1: I once met Tom Hanks.
Speaker 3: I what mets you met Tom Hanks? Fuck you?
Speaker 2: I did?
Speaker 1: I met him. He was at a bar and I
went up to say hello, and then and then his
people told me to leave bullshit.
Speaker 3: You know how I know you're lying because Tom Hanks
is one of us. He's one of the ten Original
angel We got you there, Chris, Sorry, but nice job. Huh.
You know what, Chris, here's the truth of it. Even
though my wings are fucking huge, right, I can only
carry seventy pounds with these bad boys. So how much
do you weigh?
Speaker 1: I can cut off whatever you need me to to
meet the weight limit.
Speaker 3: Is that right? What if I turned you into a
little fucking dog, then you could go to heaven. Would
you like to live out the rest of your afterlife
is a little dog? Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely? I will bark, I will rough, I will
do whatever you want me to.
Speaker 3: Nope, you don't ask for it. Here we go. Huh
little terrier? Huh? Burt is he burping?
Speaker 2: I don't know?
Speaker 3: Dogs? Go bark my man? Burt? Oh, he can't even dog? Right?
Speaker 2: Listen, man, I'm very important. Done here. Okay. You know
they're probably gonna go with whatever your demands are because
they don't want me dead, all right.
Speaker 3: So hold on the healthphones.
Speaker 2: Okay, yes, stop bumping me.
Speaker 3: You're not gonna meet my demands. You're fine with me
killing them both Clayton and Chris. I have Chris really
fuck fucked. They said you two are disposable. Fuck.
Speaker 2: I think you talked to the wrong negotiator. That there's
no way that that's possible.
Speaker 3: No, there was two hundred of them on the line,
so I talked to all of them.
Speaker 2: Boye, boye, Chris, you're not helping man.
Speaker 3: Sorry. Do you have a newspaper that I can roll
up and smack this thing on the nose with?
Speaker 2: No, but I do have this bat if you want
that instead.
Speaker 3: Oh shit, flew away? Okay, sit, beg beg for your
life beg arp arp. Then let me put his head
back to hum and here we go.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I just I don't speak dog, so I
didn't really know what to say.
Speaker 3: You know what this is like a Cassio watch. It's
a waste my fucking time. Okay, I'm leaving here. Okay, Boom,
you have your normal body back, you dick.
Speaker 1: Fuck Okay, okay, well so and so now you want
me as your apprentice?
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, hey, link close here, look into the palm
of my hand. Yeah that's angels, bitch, shout out bitch.
Speaker 2: It hurts so bad.
Speaker 3: Look for me in the outfield, peace.
Speaker 2: Chris, think he got away. I can't see. I can't
see anything either, Chris, Chris, we really goofed that up.
I'm pretty sure that they're gonna try to come down
and take over.
Speaker 1: I well, I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
I mean, what do you get away with? Really?
Speaker 2: God? Damn it, chrisy he took my hell phone? Oh?
I feeled around, but I can't feel the devil's stood cake.
I think he took that too. This fresh as bashuld.
Speaker 1: Come to god, dang man, what a nice guy.
Speaker 2: No, No, I'm just saying.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, if he comes back again, you know,
like maybe if you if he calls you or something,
or you're trying to get ahold of him, let me know.
I'll be happy.
Speaker 3: Did someone call my name? Oh my god, I'm back again, guy,
and he came back for me.
Speaker 1: I'm right here, I'm right.
Speaker 3: Here, I'm out, motherfuckers.
Speaker 1: So does he did not come back for me? He
did not come back for me?
Speaker 2: All right? Well, thanks for listening. Guys, don't trust angels
on your shoulders. They don't wait to masturbate. If you
want to masturbate, make sure you continue to follow this podcast,
tell your friends about us, and then masturbate, you know,
after you do that or before.
Speaker 1: All right, Yil Clayton, all right, thank you so much
to Adil Rafie for coming on as Angel A bit
of a party dude.
Speaker 3: Yeah, thanks so much for having me.
Speaker 1: Well, so I would say I'm a huge fan of
Hello from the Magic Tavern and oh thanks definitely a
podcast that was a big influence on us. So it's
been great having you on.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much. Yeah. I play Chunt the Talking
Badger slash shape Shifter on Hello from the Magic Tavern,
which is an improvised fantasy podcast. If you want to
check that out. You don't have to like D and D.
You don't have to like fantasy where it's very loose,
but it is fully improvised. And I also do a
podcast called Hey, Riddle Riddle, which is me and two
friends trying to solve riddles and lateral thinking problems and
doing improvised scenes along the way, So please check those out.
Speaker 2: Wait, so on that one, like where do you get
these riddles? Not the ones that are like on the
back of newspapers or candy rappers.
Speaker 3: Are they we tapies, We get a lot of books,
or we'll look on Reddit or just somewhere on the internet.
So what we discovered is there's basically ten good riddles
and we've done them all in the first couple episodes
and now we're on episode like one oh five. So
riddles is a stretch, but it's fun and engaging to
try and suss out with the answer is. But yeah,
check out hayrid or riddle all.
Speaker 1: Right, and where can we find those on like social
or anywhere you listen to a podcast.
Speaker 3: Yeah, anywhere you listen to podcasts, and then you can
find the podcast or myself on Twitter at addle refi
Hayrid Riddle and at magic tabern I Believe or at
chunt with six t's on Twitter.
Speaker 1: All right, Well, thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 3: Yeah, thanks for having me.