WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.879 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.440 I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.640 demand on the iHeartRadio app k I AM six forty. 4 00:00:09.640 --> 00:00:11.960 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 5 00:00:12.039 --> 00:00:14.599 Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show. Good to have you with me. 6 00:00:15.080 --> 00:00:18.839 Let's talk about your relationship. What happens when one partner 7 00:00:19.079 --> 00:00:23.199 changes and the other doesn't. How does a relationship adapt? 8 00:00:23.600 --> 00:00:28.760 Also therapy speak in dating people throwing around some pop 9 00:00:28.839 --> 00:00:31.879 psych terms in their dating life. Is this a good 10 00:00:31.879 --> 00:00:35.039 thing or a bad thing? And also we're in the 11 00:00:35.039 --> 00:00:39.520 spring time for lots of breakups and why one partner 12 00:00:40.200 --> 00:00:43.479 usually doesn't see it coming. We're going to talk about 13 00:00:43.479 --> 00:00:46.719 the science of this. Producer, Kayla, how are you live 14 00:00:46.719 --> 00:00:48.399 in the dream? Doctor Wayndey live in the dream? 15 00:00:48.799 --> 00:00:48.920 Raight? 16 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:51.280 Well, good to see you. How are you excellent? And 17 00:00:51.640 --> 00:00:53.840 happy to see you too? Thank you? Andrew? Do we 18 00:00:53.840 --> 00:00:54.520 have you with us? 19 00:00:54.640 --> 00:00:55.079 You do? 20 00:00:55.200 --> 00:00:55.960 Oh my god? 21 00:00:56.320 --> 00:00:57.960 How are you great? 22 00:00:58.079 --> 00:01:00.320 So this is the first time I've done your show 23 00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:02.039 since you moved to this time slot. 24 00:01:02.679 --> 00:01:05.200 Oh right, We pass each other in the parking garage, Yeah, 25 00:01:05.280 --> 00:01:08.760 pass some ships in the night. That's right, Well, good 26 00:01:08.760 --> 00:01:13.079 to have you with us. Yeah, so today I was, well, 27 00:01:13.200 --> 00:01:16.000 let me go back a couple days ago. I was 28 00:01:16.040 --> 00:01:19.959 on a young woman's podcast. She was bright and smart, 29 00:01:20.120 --> 00:01:23.359 and she talks about her life and dating, et cetera. 30 00:01:23.799 --> 00:01:25.680 She was at a Toronto and you're gonna ask your name, 31 00:01:25.719 --> 00:01:27.200 and I'm gonna say I don't remember. She'll send me 32 00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:29.439 the link to it and then we'll know. But anyway, 33 00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:33.920 she used some terms that a lot of young women, 34 00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:37.879 successful women use when they talk about dating. One is 35 00:01:38.319 --> 00:01:41.079 when she heard my prescription for using the dating apps, 36 00:01:41.079 --> 00:01:43.040 which is get on the phone quickly, have a quick 37 00:01:43.040 --> 00:01:45.599 coffee date, and then decide if you want to have 38 00:01:45.640 --> 00:01:48.439 a first date, she said, I would never do that. 39 00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:51.760 A coffee date doesn't that lower the bar? I want 40 00:01:51.760 --> 00:01:54.599 someone to take me out, wind me, dine me, I 41 00:01:54.680 --> 00:01:57.319 go a total stranger off the street that you haven't 42 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:03.439 assessed yet. No. And the other term she used is 43 00:02:03.480 --> 00:02:07.400 that she doesn't want to settle. I find it fascinating 44 00:02:07.439 --> 00:02:11.479 how many people say I don't want to settle, because 45 00:02:11.719 --> 00:02:15.360 what they're hoping is that there will be some person 46 00:02:15.560 --> 00:02:19.800 out there that is so high value to them that 47 00:02:19.879 --> 00:02:25.000 if that person turns and gives them a look and 48 00:02:25.479 --> 00:02:28.439 invites them into their life that somehow they will like 49 00:02:28.479 --> 00:02:33.960 themselves better settle for what did she mean a man 50 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:37.479 with less money? Did she mean? She didn't mean an 51 00:02:37.560 --> 00:02:41.599 unkind man. She wants somebody high up on that totem pole. 52 00:02:42.240 --> 00:02:44.800 And when I started talking to her about how we 53 00:02:44.840 --> 00:02:48.039 have an oversupply of successful women in the mating marketplace 54 00:02:48.319 --> 00:02:51.199 and that the idea of a power guy might just 55 00:02:51.240 --> 00:02:54.039 be a guy who can power a stroller, she said, 56 00:02:54.039 --> 00:02:56.039 I've got to get my head around that. I said, yes, 57 00:02:56.120 --> 00:02:59.800 patriarchy lives in your head too. Patriarchy is the thing 58 00:03:00.240 --> 00:03:03.719 that keeps it. Basically, the more education and money a 59 00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:05.919 woman makes, the more she wants a malemate to make 60 00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:08.639 more than her. And there's only a small group of 61 00:03:08.680 --> 00:03:12.159 those guys, and they're riding this wave of free sex 62 00:03:12.199 --> 00:03:14.639 in today's culture. They're not about to commit, and then 63 00:03:14.680 --> 00:03:16.960 women have the fertility window that men don't have, so 64 00:03:17.000 --> 00:03:20.759 it's a hard time for a lot of women. I 65 00:03:20.840 --> 00:03:24.039 told her about this trend that I'd seen years ago 66 00:03:24.080 --> 00:03:26.280 when I visited my daughter in Stockholm when she was 67 00:03:26.319 --> 00:03:31.879 on her semester abroad. I witnessed these roving bands of muscled, tattooed, 68 00:03:31.960 --> 00:03:37.560 bearded men in coffee shops, all wearing babies and changing 69 00:03:37.560 --> 00:03:41.840 diapers and strolling kids around. And now they're actually a 70 00:03:41.879 --> 00:03:44.759 trend on TikTok called the latte dads. They call the 71 00:03:44.840 --> 00:03:48.319 latte Dads, and I've seen a few videos and they 72 00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:51.840 literally just like walking around Stockholm. And you know why 73 00:03:51.879 --> 00:03:57.039 that is because the government legislated that, yes, eighteen months 74 00:03:57.080 --> 00:04:02.639 of parental leave pay parental leave are necessary to take 75 00:04:02.680 --> 00:04:05.319 care of a young infant, but they can't all be 76 00:04:05.439 --> 00:04:09.120 taken by one parent. At least three months or more 77 00:04:09.479 --> 00:04:11.680 have to be taken by the other parent. So it's 78 00:04:11.719 --> 00:04:17.360 the government is legislating fatherhood, or shall I say, they're 79 00:04:17.480 --> 00:04:21.439 underwriting fatherhood, so that guys can do what they are 80 00:04:21.600 --> 00:04:24.519 naturally good at if you give them the space and 81 00:04:24.560 --> 00:04:27.240 the time and the money to do it. So today 82 00:04:27.279 --> 00:04:30.040 I was reading the New York Times and we now 83 00:04:30.040 --> 00:04:33.879 have an American version this club in Brooklyn called the 84 00:04:33.879 --> 00:04:37.199 Brooklyn Stroll Club, founded by a guy named Joe Gonzales, 85 00:04:37.759 --> 00:04:43.480 and their slogan is where men find community and all 86 00:04:43.560 --> 00:04:48.319 fathers are welcome, and they do parenting classes, baby classes, 87 00:04:48.399 --> 00:04:51.079 music classes, and they hang out the park they stroll together, 88 00:04:51.839 --> 00:05:00.920 so they're making PDFs normal public displays of fatherhood, normalized right, 89 00:05:01.439 --> 00:05:04.079 And this is what women have to learn to see 90 00:05:04.120 --> 00:05:08.279 more often, respect more often, because if we do have 91 00:05:08.680 --> 00:05:11.040 we're in the information age. Or I like to say 92 00:05:11.240 --> 00:05:13.759 women are better suited to make money in the information 93 00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:17.160 age because well, we're better talkers and texters and we 94 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:19.000 have more social sensitivity. 95 00:05:19.240 --> 00:05:19.959 This is our. 96 00:05:19.879 --> 00:05:23.399 Time to earn money and get ahead. I have told 97 00:05:23.439 --> 00:05:25.560 you enough. I teach on a college campus. We have 98 00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:28.120 seen the feminization of college campuses for the last twenty 99 00:05:28.199 --> 00:05:31.360 years and it continues. I'm on a campus. It's about 100 00:05:31.360 --> 00:05:35.040 sixty nine percent female. For every one guy that graduates 101 00:05:35.079 --> 00:05:38.720 from college in America, there are two or three women. 102 00:05:39.079 --> 00:05:42.480 And even the hard sciences in medical schools, in law 103 00:05:42.519 --> 00:05:46.879 schools at least fifty percent women. So, ladies, if you 104 00:05:46.879 --> 00:05:49.160 would like to be in your fertility window at the 105 00:05:49.160 --> 00:05:52.000 same time you're earning your career, who's going to help 106 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:55.639 you with the kid? So in your dating life, why 107 00:05:55.639 --> 00:05:58.560 are you saying I don't want to settle and I 108 00:05:58.600 --> 00:06:03.560 want I want to male right, No, you want a 109 00:06:03.639 --> 00:06:06.519 kind hearted, good guy. You know, there's research from the 110 00:06:06.600 --> 00:06:11.399 University of Texas Austin doctor David Buss, and he looked 111 00:06:11.439 --> 00:06:14.360 at a cross cultural study around the world of what 112 00:06:14.439 --> 00:06:16.639 women look for most often and men, and I'm talking 113 00:06:16.680 --> 00:06:20.439 specifically about heterosexual women, and they tend to look at 114 00:06:20.439 --> 00:06:24.240 resource potential first, but right behind that they look at 115 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:27.360 intelligence because if there was a bad season and the 116 00:06:27.399 --> 00:06:31.839 crops failed or they couldn't forage and find food, you 117 00:06:31.920 --> 00:06:34.160 hope he'd be smart enough to figure it out. They're 118 00:06:34.199 --> 00:06:36.360 saying that this is in our evolution by the way 119 00:06:36.439 --> 00:06:40.360 that it's old, old feelings women have. But third, right 120 00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:45.600 behind resource potential and intelligence is kindness. So what I'm 121 00:06:45.639 --> 00:06:49.439 saying is, for this life and this time, why can't 122 00:06:49.480 --> 00:06:55.079 we put kindness first? And ladies, don't make a man 123 00:06:55.079 --> 00:06:57.639 court you like he's the prince and you're Cinderella at 124 00:06:57.680 --> 00:07:00.560 a ball. Go have a quick coffee. You do not 125 00:07:00.879 --> 00:07:03.120 need to give him any more of your time a 126 00:07:03.120 --> 00:07:07.000 total stranger than like twenty minutes, and then leave early, right, 127 00:07:07.120 --> 00:07:10.920 leave them want more at all times, and assess them 128 00:07:10.920 --> 00:07:16.600 for kindness. Last week I talked about micromancing guys who 129 00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:19.319 can't afford the big gestures, who are doing things like 130 00:07:19.519 --> 00:07:22.399 washing your car and fixing stuff around the house and 131 00:07:22.439 --> 00:07:26.120 being kind to you. These should be the traits that 132 00:07:26.160 --> 00:07:28.800 will show you that he'll be a great dad someday. 133 00:07:29.639 --> 00:07:31.800 All right, when we come back, maybe you are in 134 00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:39.120 a relationship and maybe something's changed. Somebody decides they're going 135 00:07:39.160 --> 00:07:41.720 to change careers, or they lost their job, maybe they 136 00:07:41.720 --> 00:07:44.560 were laid off. Maybe somebody says I'm going to go 137 00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:46.720 back to school and get this, or I want to 138 00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:48.439 stay home with the kids. I know we said we didn't, 139 00:07:48.439 --> 00:07:51.120 but I'm unprepared for how much I missed the kids 140 00:07:51.160 --> 00:07:54.040 I want to be. You know, so one person changes, 141 00:07:54.519 --> 00:07:58.560 how does the relationship adapt when that happens. Let's talk 142 00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:01.240 about it when we come back. You are listening to 143 00:08:01.360 --> 00:08:03.839 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and k I Am six forty. 144 00:08:04.240 --> 00:08:08.439 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 145 00:08:08.680 --> 00:08:09.560 Am six forty. 146 00:08:10.040 --> 00:08:12.680 K I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh 147 00:08:12.759 --> 00:08:14.720 with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd 148 00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:16.040 like to welcome by TikTok audience. 149 00:08:16.120 --> 00:08:16.639 Hig TikTok. 150 00:08:16.639 --> 00:08:18.079 If you want to come in the studio and say 151 00:08:18.120 --> 00:08:21.639 hello and see us, just take out your cell phone 152 00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:25.399 and go to TikTok and search doctor Wendy Walsh d 153 00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:28.759 R Wendy Walsh, and there we will be. If you're 154 00:08:28.800 --> 00:08:31.199 new to my show, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. 155 00:08:31.240 --> 00:08:34.960 I'm a psychology professor at California State University, Channel Islands, 156 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:38.639 Go Dolphins, and I am obsessed with the science of love. 157 00:08:38.639 --> 00:08:41.919 I've written three books on relationships, did my dissertation on 158 00:08:42.039 --> 00:08:46.919 attachment style and well, I'm just obsessed because I had 159 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:50.080 a bad love life myself for a long time. Happily married. 160 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:53.120 Now I took my own advice, learned how to use 161 00:08:53.159 --> 00:08:57.440 those apps and date well, choose well. Okay, I want 162 00:08:57.440 --> 00:08:59.799 to talk specifically about and just to let you know 163 00:09:00.159 --> 00:09:02.759 after a couple more. What time are producer, Kayla, when 164 00:09:02.759 --> 00:09:05.519 are we going to startaking people's calls? Seven forty five 165 00:09:05.519 --> 00:09:09.000 Pacific time? We will start taking your calls live, So 166 00:09:09.080 --> 00:09:11.080 you want to write down the number one eight hundred 167 00:09:11.080 --> 00:09:12.919 and five, two zero, one, five, three four, but not 168 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:13.840 till seven forty five. 169 00:09:13.919 --> 00:09:14.240 All right. 170 00:09:15.080 --> 00:09:17.879 I want to talk about what happens when one partner 171 00:09:18.039 --> 00:09:23.080 changes in a relationship. Now, I'm talking about major or 172 00:09:23.200 --> 00:09:24.600 sort of around the middle of things that happen to 173 00:09:24.639 --> 00:09:28.480 humans across a lifespan. Maybe the change is because they, 174 00:09:29.320 --> 00:09:31.879 sadly happening a lot in America right now, lost their 175 00:09:31.960 --> 00:09:34.879 job and all of a sudden, this upsets the whole dynamic. 176 00:09:35.519 --> 00:09:39.159 Maybe one of them has children and says, you know, 177 00:09:39.240 --> 00:09:40.960 I was going to keep working, but now I see 178 00:09:40.960 --> 00:09:43.120 how attached I am to my child. That happened to me. 179 00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:47.120 I was unprepared for the overwhelming desire to nurture that 180 00:09:47.200 --> 00:09:49.000 I would have, and I had to somehow try to 181 00:09:49.039 --> 00:09:53.080 adjust my whole work life to that. So maybe that's it. 182 00:09:53.559 --> 00:09:56.840 Maybe it's that somebody just is unhappy with their work 183 00:09:56.879 --> 00:09:58.759 and want to do something completely different, or they want 184 00:09:58.799 --> 00:10:03.919 to go back to school, or god forbid, maybe they 185 00:10:03.960 --> 00:10:07.399 have health problems and it changes the whole dynamic of 186 00:10:07.440 --> 00:10:13.759 the relationship. So how can you effectively support your partner 187 00:10:13.919 --> 00:10:17.200 during these kinds of life transitions. Well, I want to 188 00:10:17.240 --> 00:10:20.759 remind you that it's important to know that relationships are 189 00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:24.799 always changing. They're dynamic because they involve two people. You know, 190 00:10:24.840 --> 00:10:30.360 my favorite metaphor, if you will, for a romantic relationship 191 00:10:30.799 --> 00:10:35.000 is a Venn diagram, two circles, right, So one person's 192 00:10:35.000 --> 00:10:38.039 here and one person's here, and they're going to overlap 193 00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:40.720 a little, and that part in the middle is the relationship. 194 00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:45.279 But each person outside of that circle, that middle part 195 00:10:46.039 --> 00:10:49.440 is going to continue to grow. They should because they 196 00:10:49.480 --> 00:10:53.399 bring newness into the relationship, whether it's new places they 197 00:10:54.120 --> 00:10:56.399 go to, new people they meet, new jobs. They come home, 198 00:10:56.440 --> 00:10:58.159 there's new stuff to talk about. 199 00:10:58.480 --> 00:10:58.720 You know. 200 00:10:58.720 --> 00:11:01.440 With my husband Julio, I love it when he comes 201 00:11:01.440 --> 00:11:04.200 home from a day wherever he is, his meetings or whatever, 202 00:11:04.519 --> 00:11:06.600 and he'll always come in the door and say something 203 00:11:06.639 --> 00:11:09.639 like this, get this. And I know when he says 204 00:11:09.720 --> 00:11:12.039 get this, there's going to be a good story about 205 00:11:12.039 --> 00:11:14.519 his day. And this is one of the things that 206 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:18.240 keeps our relationship exciting because we both have different careers 207 00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:20.720 in different areas and we sort of know who all 208 00:11:20.720 --> 00:11:22.039 the players. Of course, I have to stop and a 209 00:11:22.080 --> 00:11:23.639 number mimind me who that person is again and what 210 00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:26.159 project are they working with. I have to kind of 211 00:11:26.159 --> 00:11:29.080 catch up because I haven't met everybody, right, get this, 212 00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:33.840 he says. So it's important that people do continue to 213 00:11:33.879 --> 00:11:38.440 grow across the lifespan, because if not, you become enmeshed 214 00:11:39.120 --> 00:11:41.840 circle on top of a circle where nobody can remember 215 00:11:41.879 --> 00:11:45.000 whose problem is who's and at a certain point, one 216 00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:47.519 person will want to completely break free just to have 217 00:11:47.559 --> 00:11:50.120 some autonomy. So you want to be able to grow 218 00:11:50.600 --> 00:11:55.000 and then still nurture the relationship. So I also want 219 00:11:55.000 --> 00:11:58.919 to remind you that a romantic relationship is an exchange 220 00:11:58.960 --> 00:12:02.639 of care. That care can take many forms. It could 221 00:12:02.720 --> 00:12:04.960 be financial care, it could be sexual care. It could 222 00:12:04.960 --> 00:12:09.360 be emotional support care. It could be intellectual stimulation care. 223 00:12:09.399 --> 00:12:13.440 It can be childcare. It can be domestic responsibility care. Right, 224 00:12:13.519 --> 00:12:18.440 whatever that exchange of care is, to somebody looking from 225 00:12:18.480 --> 00:12:21.960 the outside, they might think it doesn't look fair. But 226 00:12:22.399 --> 00:12:26.120 each individual places high value on those things. So example, 227 00:12:26.919 --> 00:12:29.000 I was a single bomb for twenty years. I had 228 00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:32.159 two kids. I was busy working, being the nurture provider, everything, 229 00:12:32.200 --> 00:12:35.679 one hundred percent custody, zero dollars child support. I was everything, 230 00:12:36.159 --> 00:12:37.559 And when I would come home if the place was 231 00:12:37.559 --> 00:12:41.200 messy or whatever, I didn't have the time to be 232 00:12:41.240 --> 00:12:45.200 a good parent and say, okay, honey, let's clean up 233 00:12:45.240 --> 00:12:48.240 before we move to the next thing. All right, who's 234 00:12:48.279 --> 00:12:50.879 going to help me cook dinner? Oh no, The rule 235 00:12:50.960 --> 00:12:52.960 is you don't get to eat unless you have I 236 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:55.559 did not have time for what those textbooks say is 237 00:12:55.600 --> 00:12:58.639 good parenting. I came in and went out of my way. 238 00:12:58.639 --> 00:13:00.879 I got to clean up fast as a result. I 239 00:13:01.519 --> 00:13:03.840 have kids who are lazy. Oh they keep their own 240 00:13:03.879 --> 00:13:07.000 apartments very spotless now, but in my house they were lazy. 241 00:13:07.360 --> 00:13:12.279 So I marry Julio, and Julio loves to judicious. Julio 242 00:13:12.519 --> 00:13:15.320 loves to fold laundry. When I go away on business, 243 00:13:15.679 --> 00:13:18.919 he decides to do the floors. I mean, the value 244 00:13:19.000 --> 00:13:23.399 I place on that is so high, so high, so 245 00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:25.679 somebody might look at it and be like, well, he's 246 00:13:25.720 --> 00:13:27.399 not doing this or that. I'm like, are you kidding? 247 00:13:27.720 --> 00:13:30.240 I come home to a spotless place with clean, changed 248 00:13:30.360 --> 00:13:33.759 sheets that smell delicious, all because of him. Right, So 249 00:13:35.480 --> 00:13:39.639 what happens when one partner changes is the exchange of 250 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:42.440 care may change. If one person's been giving a lot 251 00:13:42.480 --> 00:13:45.600 of financial care, it may be time for them not 252 00:13:45.639 --> 00:13:48.600 to be giving so much financial care. If they've lost 253 00:13:48.600 --> 00:13:52.200 their job, they may need more emotional care. So every 254 00:13:52.240 --> 00:13:57.799 relationship has an unconscious contract, right. It's usually silent and unspoken, 255 00:13:57.840 --> 00:14:02.840 and it just kind of unfolds my relationships. Certainly with Julio. 256 00:14:02.879 --> 00:14:05.480 Everything is discussed, so everything's out there on the table. 257 00:14:06.000 --> 00:14:10.120 But when a big life transition happens. This is not 258 00:14:10.279 --> 00:14:14.000 the time for silence. This is not the time to ignore. 259 00:14:14.440 --> 00:14:17.159 This is the time to talk about how the contract 260 00:14:17.399 --> 00:14:21.639 is changing and how you're gonna accommodate it. Right, It 261 00:14:21.879 --> 00:14:25.000 just means the contracts being renegotiated. It doesn't mean the 262 00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:27.840 relationship has to end. It doesn't mean that the relationship 263 00:14:27.879 --> 00:14:31.879 is going to fall into an unfair exchange of hair. Hare. 264 00:14:32.320 --> 00:14:36.000 Maybe they are exchanging hair. I know Julio would probably 265 00:14:36.039 --> 00:14:37.879 like some of my hair. It's okay, baby, I like 266 00:14:37.919 --> 00:14:42.559 you bald, It's fine. And if it comes to the 267 00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:46.399 financial piece, you know what, that's the prickly conversation that 268 00:14:46.480 --> 00:14:49.759 I hope you've been having your entire relationship. You got 269 00:14:49.799 --> 00:14:55.559 to talk about money. It's the hard thing, right, all right? 270 00:14:56.000 --> 00:14:59.159 When we come back. I have noticed, have I noticed 271 00:14:59.679 --> 00:15:03.919 that there's a lot of a therapy speak happening in dating? 272 00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:07.720 You know, people will say, oh, I went out with him, 273 00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:11.039 but I think he's a narcissist or she's an avoidant, 274 00:15:11.559 --> 00:15:14.279 And I'm like, really, do you know how to diagnose? 275 00:15:14.679 --> 00:15:18.799 I mean, I'm not even clinician. I can't shouldn't diagnose, right, 276 00:15:19.320 --> 00:15:21.559 but yet people are doing it on date? Is this 277 00:15:21.639 --> 00:15:24.440 a good thing or a bad thing. Let's talk about 278 00:15:24.480 --> 00:15:26.720 this when we come back. You are listening to the 279 00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:29.879 Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live 280 00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:31.919 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 281 00:15:33.080 --> 00:15:37.279 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 282 00:15:37.480 --> 00:15:41.360 AM six forty k I Am six forty. 283 00:15:41.399 --> 00:15:43.600 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 284 00:15:43.639 --> 00:15:47.159 Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'm trying to go live on Instagram, 285 00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:50.519 but it keeps taking my audio off. Is it this 286 00:15:50.600 --> 00:15:54.159 last week too? I wonder because I'm saying, like live 287 00:15:54.240 --> 00:15:57.799 on KFI and iHeartRadio and download the iHeartRadio app. And 288 00:15:57.840 --> 00:16:01.120 maybe they think I'm promoting some thing or something. If 289 00:16:01.120 --> 00:16:03.960 anyone knows the answer to that of why my live 290 00:16:04.039 --> 00:16:07.799 streams on Instagram when I'm in this studio the sound 291 00:16:07.919 --> 00:16:11.279 keeps getting taken away. If anybody knows the rule, send 292 00:16:11.320 --> 00:16:13.679 me a DM on ig and explain it to us. 293 00:16:13.759 --> 00:16:19.360 All right, therapy speak in dating. It is the new thing. Everybody, 294 00:16:19.440 --> 00:16:24.399 it seems, is an armchair psychologist, right. And I have 295 00:16:24.480 --> 00:16:27.399 to say, I'm of two minds here. I think it 296 00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:31.559 is both good and it is bad. Of course, the 297 00:16:31.559 --> 00:16:37.240 best thing about increased use of psychological terms in our 298 00:16:37.279 --> 00:16:41.879 personal lives in general, especially when we're exploring interpersonal relationships, 299 00:16:42.720 --> 00:16:46.440 is that people are starting to realize that emotional health 300 00:16:46.480 --> 00:16:49.200 is important and this is one thing we should be 301 00:16:49.320 --> 00:16:52.360 assessing when we're assessing whether somebody would be a good mate. 302 00:16:53.200 --> 00:16:54.840 You did a kit Kayla, got me up and going, 303 00:16:55.440 --> 00:16:57.200 thank you. If you want to come on to Instagram, 304 00:16:57.200 --> 00:16:59.440 come on, tell me if there's volume or not on Instagram. 305 00:16:59.519 --> 00:17:03.960 There we go. So I think it's a good thing 306 00:17:03.960 --> 00:17:05.680 that we're caring about mental health. I think it's a 307 00:17:05.720 --> 00:17:09.240 good thing that we're learning about some of these psychological terms. 308 00:17:10.240 --> 00:17:14.200 People are starting to realize that choosing a mate is 309 00:17:14.279 --> 00:17:20.559 a life altering decision. Your choice of mate can impact 310 00:17:20.559 --> 00:17:24.000 your quality of life for the rest of your life. Literally, 311 00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:28.759 it can sink you into poverty or help you accumulate wealth. 312 00:17:29.440 --> 00:17:32.920 It can cause you to have good or bad mental health, 313 00:17:33.599 --> 00:17:37.119 or it could, you know, cause you to have good 314 00:17:37.160 --> 00:17:40.839 or bad physical health. Even you know, there's so much 315 00:17:40.960 --> 00:17:45.480 research to support the idea that long term committed people 316 00:17:45.680 --> 00:17:52.799 in secure attachments actually live longer, they have better mental health, 317 00:17:52.839 --> 00:17:55.480 better physical health, and they tend to accumulate more wealth. 318 00:17:55.599 --> 00:18:00.359 So it's understandable that people see the importance of this decision, right, 319 00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:04.920 and single people have an awareness of good emotional health 320 00:18:04.920 --> 00:18:08.279 and how important that is for a mate. The problem 321 00:18:08.359 --> 00:18:13.079 lies in the fact that the average person does not 322 00:18:13.160 --> 00:18:17.440 hold a PhD in psychology, and becoming an armchair psychologist 323 00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:23.759 can lead to dangerous misdiagnoses, or at least big misunderstandings 324 00:18:23.799 --> 00:18:29.079 of human behavior. You know, sometimes people just have atypical 325 00:18:29.119 --> 00:18:32.000 behavior and you don't have to see it as a 326 00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:37.960 symptom of something bigger. You don't have to pathologize everything 327 00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:43.319 in dating. And it makes me want to think about 328 00:18:43.359 --> 00:18:45.759 who are the people who are most likely to do that, 329 00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:48.599 you know, not just saying oh is that a red flag? 330 00:18:48.839 --> 00:18:52.480 Or are they being a narcissist? Are they gaslighting? I 331 00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:54.640 don't know. They seem to have a personality disorder. I 332 00:18:54.680 --> 00:18:58.000 think he's a sociopath. I think she's a little crazy. 333 00:18:58.079 --> 00:19:00.559 That's a good word they use, right, Let's talk about 334 00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:04.079 who those people are who diagnose dates instead of saying, oh, 335 00:19:04.119 --> 00:19:07.200 we're a good match or not a good match. The 336 00:19:07.240 --> 00:19:10.680 single people who are most at risk of pathologizing dating 337 00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:15.839 behaviors are people who have probably suffered trauma in their 338 00:19:15.960 --> 00:19:20.640 own early lives and as a result, they're missing a 339 00:19:20.720 --> 00:19:27.480 clear definition of love, of attachment security. In other words, 340 00:19:27.680 --> 00:19:30.519 they've been hurt in the past, okay, now they want 341 00:19:30.559 --> 00:19:34.759 to protect themselves from hurt in the future. But psychologists 342 00:19:34.799 --> 00:19:38.160 would say that they don't have a healthy, internal, working 343 00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:40.880 model of love. That means they don't know what normal 344 00:19:40.960 --> 00:19:44.880 feels like, normal love feels like, or typical love. So 345 00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:48.880 in an attempt to protect themselves from future pain, they 346 00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:53.599 question their dates behaviors and wonder if their date is dangerous. 347 00:19:53.880 --> 00:19:57.480 And also, plenty of these people using these psychological terms 348 00:19:57.519 --> 00:20:01.400 for dates probably picked them up in their or they're 349 00:20:01.400 --> 00:20:04.920 reading a lot of self help books, so they're getting 350 00:20:04.960 --> 00:20:10.319 the lingo down, but not the deeper definition. Right now, 351 00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:15.000 I'm not going to lie to you. Attachment style is important. 352 00:20:15.720 --> 00:20:21.519 It is the most studied and quantifiable theory of psychology. 353 00:20:22.559 --> 00:20:26.400 Our early life attachment organization that happens usually in the 354 00:20:26.440 --> 00:20:29.599 first often the first twelve months of life, when the 355 00:20:29.640 --> 00:20:32.440 brain triples in size in response to how our caregivers 356 00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:35.720 took care of us. That becomes our model for love, 357 00:20:35.720 --> 00:20:39.079 our idea of what love should feel like, and so 358 00:20:41.160 --> 00:20:45.799 early life attachment has been studied so much that it's 359 00:20:45.799 --> 00:20:51.920 been correlated with educational attainment, income, number of divorces, even 360 00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:58.240 physical health. Right, So I'm not going to lie attachment's important. 361 00:20:59.079 --> 00:21:01.480 But what does that mean. It means you need to 362 00:21:01.599 --> 00:21:05.880 understand your own attachment style. That's what you need to do. 363 00:21:06.319 --> 00:21:08.920 You need to understand your own And I just want 364 00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:11.160 to tell everybody. I tell everybody, I tell my students. 365 00:21:11.160 --> 00:21:13.079 We take this test in class. If you want to 366 00:21:13.079 --> 00:21:15.880 know where your attachment style is, you take a test 367 00:21:15.960 --> 00:21:18.359 written by a researcher by the name of Chris Frayley 368 00:21:18.519 --> 00:21:21.519 fr L E. Y. Just google the words Chris Frayley 369 00:21:21.519 --> 00:21:24.400 Attachment test and it'll come up and you can find out. 370 00:21:24.440 --> 00:21:26.279 Take the longer one. There's a short version along one. 371 00:21:26.319 --> 00:21:27.920 Take the longer one and you can find out your 372 00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:31.160 own attachment style. But the point is not to diagnose 373 00:21:31.160 --> 00:21:35.519 somebody else's attachment style. It's about you and your feelings 374 00:21:35.519 --> 00:21:38.359 in relationships. So instead of saying I think I'm with 375 00:21:38.599 --> 00:21:44.079 yet another avoidant person, instead say hmm, I didn't feel 376 00:21:44.079 --> 00:21:46.480 like my needs were taken care of, and yet I'm 377 00:21:46.519 --> 00:21:49.599 still feeling strangely attracted to them. I wonder if that's 378 00:21:49.599 --> 00:21:54.599 my anxious attachment style, rearing up, self diagnose right instead 379 00:21:54.599 --> 00:21:59.759 of somebody else. Someone asked me this week, how can 380 00:21:59.799 --> 00:22:02.400 you stop looking for red flags when you're dating and 381 00:22:02.519 --> 00:22:05.759 instead find some peace and enjoyment while dating. I think 382 00:22:05.799 --> 00:22:07.960 they have the whole idea of dating wrong. Dating is 383 00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:11.720 not about finding peace and enjoyment. All dating is fraught 384 00:22:11.759 --> 00:22:16.359 with anxiety. It's a period of mate evaluation. It's not 385 00:22:16.440 --> 00:22:19.079 meant to be fun in games, folks. It's about making 386 00:22:19.119 --> 00:22:22.519 a very serious decision for your life, and so you're 387 00:22:22.559 --> 00:22:24.880 going to have a healthy amount of anxiety. Oh sure, 388 00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:28.400 people put on an Academy Award winning performance of Oh 389 00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:30.640 my god, I'm this, I'm you're this, you're that. Oh 390 00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:32.519 you like that music, you like that movie. That's great, 391 00:22:32.559 --> 00:22:35.920 that's fun, let's have another drink. But inside they're both 392 00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:39.480 really anxious. They're both wanting to be liked. They're both 393 00:22:39.480 --> 00:22:43.519 wanting to assess the compatibility of the person right now. 394 00:22:44.119 --> 00:22:46.319 Exception might be somebody looking for a short term relationship, 395 00:22:46.319 --> 00:22:48.599 which is okay if that's what you're looking for, you know, 396 00:22:49.319 --> 00:22:51.920 just go have fun, don't assess whatever. We're a condom, 397 00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:55.000 That's all I'm saying. But you don't need to do 398 00:22:55.079 --> 00:22:59.759 the big assessment. Look, dating involves strategy. When I use 399 00:22:59.799 --> 00:23:01.599 that term to a friend this week, she said, it 400 00:23:01.640 --> 00:23:04.079 sounds like game playing, and I said, oh no, no, 401 00:23:04.200 --> 00:23:08.319