WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:02.200 Hi everyone, and welcome back to the podcast episode. My 2 00:00:02.279 --> 00:00:05.000 name is Alicia Gogin, the host Oflical Secrets podcast, where 3 00:00:05.040 --> 00:00:07.080 I help you expand your mind and become more self 4 00:00:07.080 --> 00:00:09.039 aware so that you can glow up is the best 5 00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:14.080 version of yourself. Hello everyone, and happy Sunday. I missed 6 00:00:14.080 --> 00:00:17.199 you guys, like it was only a week I was gone, 7 00:00:17.239 --> 00:00:19.760 but I feel like I've been gone for ever. And 8 00:00:19.800 --> 00:00:22.519 you know why that is, I think is because I'm 9 00:00:22.519 --> 00:00:25.039 a Scorpio and I feel like I go through deaths 10 00:00:25.079 --> 00:00:28.760 and rebirths literally every single week. Something new, I'm learning, 11 00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:32.560 something I'm reflecting on. My life is changing, YadA YadA. 12 00:00:32.640 --> 00:00:34.840 So anyways, I feel like I lived twelve lives. But 13 00:00:34.880 --> 00:00:36.600 I hope everyone is doing good. Today. 14 00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:37.920 We have the hair out. 15 00:00:38.159 --> 00:00:41.640 I don't know. I'm trying this headband thing. I don't 16 00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:43.799 really know how to wear them properly or how I 17 00:00:43.960 --> 00:00:47.119 like it. But it's cute. It's giving like a Sunday 18 00:00:47.159 --> 00:00:51.039 reset vibes. And it is Sunday. And there is a 19 00:00:51.079 --> 00:00:53.240 few journal prompts that I'll give you guys today, but 20 00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:55.359 we're gonna be on topic, you know, you see, how 21 00:00:55.399 --> 00:00:57.159 like we'll do something for a bit and then it's 22 00:00:57.240 --> 00:01:01.759 like naturally, lately we've been needing to have specific topics, 23 00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:06.719 and today's podcast topic is how to stop being low 24 00:01:06.760 --> 00:01:13.439 maintenance in relationships, And I really just want to honestly, 25 00:01:13.480 --> 00:01:16.680 this is gonna be me speaking to a younger version 26 00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:19.799 of me. Okay, like my twenties version of me. I'm 27 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:22.000 twenty nine, so like literally like not that long ago 28 00:01:22.120 --> 00:01:25.879 version of me, like heavily because this was me to 29 00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:30.239 a tee. But I have been having a few clients 30 00:01:30.239 --> 00:01:32.640 like one on one sessions, which I do have one 31 00:01:32.680 --> 00:01:34.959 on one sessions. I don't really promote it too much 32 00:01:35.040 --> 00:01:37.959 because there's so much that I'm juggling, but if you're 33 00:01:37.959 --> 00:01:39.719 wanting to work with me, I do have a link 34 00:01:39.760 --> 00:01:43.120 always down below, and I open my sessions weekly and 35 00:01:43.159 --> 00:01:45.159 if you can't find a time, you can always email me, 36 00:01:45.239 --> 00:01:48.439 but you can always check then. Anyways, I've seen some 37 00:01:48.480 --> 00:01:53.439 of my clients, but also my friends and not me 38 00:01:53.640 --> 00:01:56.799 right now. I'm actually in a much better place in 39 00:01:56.840 --> 00:01:59.799 my love life right now, which I know I'm sure 40 00:02:00.120 --> 00:02:02.560 talking about that soon, but at one point, and why 41 00:02:02.680 --> 00:02:05.280 I'm even in a good place and why I'm reflecting 42 00:02:05.319 --> 00:02:09.800 on this right now is because I really convinced myself 43 00:02:09.840 --> 00:02:12.759 that I was asking for too much in relationships, which 44 00:02:12.879 --> 00:02:16.240 was so far from the truth. And this is what 45 00:02:16.280 --> 00:02:19.599 I mean by being low maintenance in relationships. I'm not 46 00:02:19.719 --> 00:02:22.560 gonna be talking about the I feel like sometimes, like 47 00:02:22.560 --> 00:02:25.560 with trends and stuff, when it's like high maintenance low maintenance, 48 00:02:25.599 --> 00:02:29.000 like whatever maintenance type of wording, it kind of sounds 49 00:02:29.159 --> 00:02:31.599 like you should be the opposite, so like you should 50 00:02:31.599 --> 00:02:34.840 be asking like a guy for money or or X 51 00:02:34.840 --> 00:02:37.120 amount of dates or this x amount of treatment when 52 00:02:37.159 --> 00:02:39.199 it comes to like material and actions and things like that. 53 00:02:39.360 --> 00:02:40.960 Not to say that you can't ask for that, but 54 00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:43.319 I'm just saying, like I want to talk about the 55 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:46.039 like subtle nuances, like the ones where we just don't 56 00:02:46.039 --> 00:02:48.080 really catch because I think for probably a lot of us, 57 00:02:48.080 --> 00:02:50.479 we're not even those type of people anyways. And I 58 00:02:50.520 --> 00:02:53.199 actually feel, and this is why I resonate with it 59 00:02:53.240 --> 00:02:56.479 so deeply that a lot of the I'm just gonna 60 00:02:56.479 --> 00:02:58.800 say girls women like for this example, but it can 61 00:02:58.840 --> 00:03:04.039 be guys to whatever. The ones who are always self improving, 62 00:03:04.120 --> 00:03:08.120 who are independent, who have a lot going for themselves, 63 00:03:08.159 --> 00:03:10.639 it's like they do know their worth, like they are 64 00:03:10.719 --> 00:03:13.439 aware they're self aware they might be even the advice friend, 65 00:03:13.479 --> 00:03:15.840 like they're aware of their past, aware of their traumas, 66 00:03:15.840 --> 00:03:21.639 and this that like us girls sometimes do a really 67 00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:26.680 good job at trying to not see what the reality is, 68 00:03:26.840 --> 00:03:30.120 especially in our love lives, and we're not honest with 69 00:03:30.400 --> 00:03:33.199 ourselves when it comes to just how much we are 70 00:03:33.240 --> 00:03:35.719 really accepting the bare minimum. And I want to talk 71 00:03:35.719 --> 00:03:37.840 about that. I want to talk about where that comes from. 72 00:03:38.159 --> 00:03:39.400 I want to talk about some of the things that 73 00:03:39.439 --> 00:03:42.919 I have learned to not be so afraid to ask 74 00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:45.840 for more, but also just to feel better about letting 75 00:03:45.879 --> 00:03:48.199 go of the things that are not serving me in Sorry, 76 00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:50.639 theo right now has a new toy and he's like 77 00:03:50.680 --> 00:03:53.759 moving my camera after watching on YouTube. So being somebody 78 00:03:53.800 --> 00:03:59.360 who was I would say like your average anxiously attached 79 00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:02.199 in my twenties when it came to dating, when I 80 00:04:02.280 --> 00:04:05.080 learned about being anxiously attached, and I learned that, oh, 81 00:04:05.120 --> 00:04:07.599 it's important to have a relationship with yourself and learn 82 00:04:07.639 --> 00:04:11.080 how to self soothe and you know, like not rely 83 00:04:11.319 --> 00:04:14.280 solely on a man or someone else's attention and things 84 00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:17.519 like that. I worked on myself when it came to 85 00:04:17.560 --> 00:04:20.199 the relationships like that, and I definitely got into relationships 86 00:04:20.240 --> 00:04:26.160 where it's like I knew that I loved myself or 87 00:04:26.199 --> 00:04:30.439 I thought that I did, but I would still be triggered. 88 00:04:30.720 --> 00:04:33.920 And it got to a point where I really learned 89 00:04:33.920 --> 00:04:35.800 I was just gas letting myself into saying, like, oh, 90 00:04:35.800 --> 00:04:37.759 it's me, Like I'm anxiously attached. I need to learn 91 00:04:37.759 --> 00:04:39.680 how to love myself more. Why am I getting so 92 00:04:39.759 --> 00:04:43.639 triggered over someone else's behavior? And you know, if they're 93 00:04:43.639 --> 00:04:45.639 not texting me or calling me in this that now, 94 00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:49.120 like I said, I'm talking to the ones who aren't 95 00:04:49.120 --> 00:04:52.920 blowing up someone's phone and needing somebody to hold their hands, 96 00:04:52.959 --> 00:04:54.639 So you're gonna have to discern whether this is you 97 00:04:54.759 --> 00:04:58.519 or not. But for me, I would still be so 98 00:04:58.920 --> 00:05:04.040 anxiously attacked and triggered in relationships, even as I knew 99 00:05:04.160 --> 00:05:07.000 I was so like self aware and like I was 100 00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:08.959 so like good and like. 101 00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:09.800 Healed in a way. 102 00:05:09.959 --> 00:05:12.360 And I found a lot of the reasons why I 103 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:16.240 was really still caught up in this anxious attachment style 104 00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:18.600 and just feeling the way that I felt was because 105 00:05:18.639 --> 00:05:21.879 I was not being honest with myself about the fact 106 00:05:21.959 --> 00:05:25.480 that I was accepting the bare minimum. I was not 107 00:05:25.639 --> 00:05:28.759 asking for what I wanted. I had no needs that 108 00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:31.279 were being met. I was not allowing myself to be 109 00:05:31.319 --> 00:05:33.879 real with myself. I would go around and around and 110 00:05:33.959 --> 00:05:36.680 make excuses as to why it's fine that this need 111 00:05:36.720 --> 00:05:38.959 is not met in a relationship, whether it's like this 112 00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:42.399 person coming to see me, or action or consistency or 113 00:05:42.439 --> 00:05:46.839 frequency and conversation or finances even or like where this 114 00:05:46.839 --> 00:05:48.920 person was in their life, like it was just such 115 00:05:48.959 --> 00:05:52.879 a you know, doing a dance around these things, these 116 00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:56.079 really important things. And it's even worse when you know 117 00:05:56.160 --> 00:05:59.160 you are with probably people you've dated, these people who 118 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:02.480 you know that they like you or love you even 119 00:06:02.720 --> 00:06:05.480 and it's not really actually toxic, which is sometimes why 120 00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:08.319 it's confusing when you are triggered or like feeling anxious. 121 00:06:08.360 --> 00:06:10.279 But this is a thing, and it kind of makes 122 00:06:10.279 --> 00:06:16.079 sense when you come from dysfunction in relationships, or when 123 00:06:16.439 --> 00:06:18.959 if you're real with yourself, you've grown up and actually 124 00:06:19.199 --> 00:06:21.079 not a lot of your needs have been met, or 125 00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:22.360 you don't know how to ask for them or don't 126 00:06:22.360 --> 00:06:24.360 know how to communicate whatever it is. It's kind of 127 00:06:24.360 --> 00:06:26.920 silly to think that we would just automatically be in 128 00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:29.800 the most healthy relationships now obviously that can happen, and 129 00:06:29.879 --> 00:06:33.560 also it can you can become secure, you can match 130 00:06:33.680 --> 00:06:36.680 up with a secure person and whatever. But I'm just saying, like, 131 00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:41.000 sometimes we're always convincing ourselves it's us. But if we 132 00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:44.639 actually look at it, like we're not choosing people who 133 00:06:44.920 --> 00:06:48.279 are able to show up and this is the thing, 134 00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:50.000 and it's a thing for me, it's a thing for 135 00:06:50.040 --> 00:06:53.000 the people that I talk to and even friends. Like 136 00:06:53.040 --> 00:06:58.120 it's typically this cycle of in your childhood somewhere, Okay, 137 00:06:58.360 --> 00:07:00.319 I just like to use parents as example. It could 138 00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:02.720 be your caregivers. It could be completely different situations, but 139 00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:07.839 whatever it is, you are primed to always want love. 140 00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:11.439 Like you're you're human, You're always gonna have that desire, 141 00:07:11.560 --> 00:07:13.639 and love means a lot of things, especially when we're 142 00:07:13.639 --> 00:07:16.279 young too. It also means safety. It means that we 143 00:07:16.319 --> 00:07:18.800 can express ourselves and be who we need to be, 144 00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:22.360 you know, like there's nothing to fear. But also safety 145 00:07:22.360 --> 00:07:23.959 in the sense of like I need to stay alive, 146 00:07:24.079 --> 00:07:26.839 you know. So we're wired for that, and we get 147 00:07:26.839 --> 00:07:29.600 that first from our caregivers, our parents or whoever is 148 00:07:29.639 --> 00:07:32.480 looking after us. But when we don't get that, when 149 00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:35.399 we have an absent father or an absent mother or 150 00:07:36.439 --> 00:07:40.839 somebody we just couldn't satisfy, whatever the case is, even 151 00:07:40.879 --> 00:07:44.480 though we don't know it consciously, like subconsciously, we're always 152 00:07:44.600 --> 00:07:48.360 trying to figure out why why can't I get that 153 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:50.959 to love? Why does he love me? Why why can't 154 00:07:50.959 --> 00:07:52.920 I get that love? Why can't I get that feeling? 155 00:07:53.040 --> 00:07:55.160 It's like an instinctual thing, and I'm not able to 156 00:07:55.199 --> 00:07:56.959 get it. And we can do that in the form 157 00:07:57.000 --> 00:08:00.399 of thinking we are the problem. We can and try 158 00:08:00.439 --> 00:08:03.199 to understand it by accepting the bare minimum. Because when 159 00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:06.160 you accept the bare minimum, like your parent giving you 160 00:08:06.199 --> 00:08:08.639 the bare minimum, and that translates into adult life, but 161 00:08:09.079 --> 00:08:12.040 your parent that's giving you the bare minimum, it hurts 162 00:08:12.199 --> 00:08:14.920 less than to face the reality that you're really not 163 00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:18.000 getting the love that you deeply are desiring from a parent, 164 00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:21.879 like genuinely. Like That's what we do in our childlike 165 00:08:21.959 --> 00:08:24.439 brains as we come up with all of these excuses 166 00:08:24.519 --> 00:08:26.720 and these ways of looking at things so that we 167 00:08:26.759 --> 00:08:31.720 can put these parents on pedestals, and also to make 168 00:08:31.759 --> 00:08:34.000 sure that we're not losing any sort of that love 169 00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:37.080 or feel any sort of that pain, because it's painful. 170 00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:39.799 And this is not to say that like our parents 171 00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:42.360 are even supposed to be perfect. Who's even to say that, right, 172 00:08:42.480 --> 00:08:44.440 And we don't have to do the whole blame game 173 00:08:44.440 --> 00:08:46.440 and stuff, But I'm just wanting to like say what 174 00:08:46.480 --> 00:08:50.039 it is like that's literally attachments as much as obviously 175 00:08:50.039 --> 00:08:51.960 I can explain it, right, Like I'm not a therapist, 176 00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:54.360 but I learned a lot about this in therapy and 177 00:08:54.399 --> 00:08:57.720 in so many other resources, and it's just been so 178 00:08:57.840 --> 00:08:59.720 true for me. I have not even learned how to 179 00:08:59.759 --> 00:09:02.399 have healthy relationships based off of the ones that were 180 00:09:02.399 --> 00:09:05.679 shown to me. But also I was taught to accept 181 00:09:05.720 --> 00:09:08.000 the bare minimum because that's all the times what I 182 00:09:08.039 --> 00:09:11.639 was getting from the first relationships in my life, and 183 00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:14.399 not to ask for a lot, and that there would 184 00:09:14.399 --> 00:09:17.639 be consequences if I asked for things, and or I 185 00:09:17.720 --> 00:09:20.120 didn't get taught how to have boundaries in relationships, and 186 00:09:20.120 --> 00:09:22.679 when you don't have boundaries in relationships, like anything goes 187 00:09:23.120 --> 00:09:25.440 and you don't respect yourself. Like all of these things 188 00:09:25.480 --> 00:09:29.000 stem from childhood, like you guys now. But the thing 189 00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:32.679 that changed the game for me, and this still takes time, right, 190 00:09:32.679 --> 00:09:34.720 But the thing that changed the game for me was 191 00:09:34.759 --> 00:09:38.960 witnessing when I was re enacting these patterns from childhood 192 00:09:39.120 --> 00:09:41.000 with the people that I was dating and when I 193 00:09:41.080 --> 00:09:43.559 was in these like attachment styles with people who were 194 00:09:43.600 --> 00:09:45.600 like kind of avoidant or I was like anxiously attached 195 00:09:45.639 --> 00:09:48.360 regardless of how much I worked on myself or not. 196 00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:52.960 The main theme there was the main theme in my 197 00:09:53.039 --> 00:09:56.279 attachments with my parents, which was accepting the bare minimum 198 00:09:56.480 --> 00:09:59.559 and always giving excuses and trying to tell myself like, well, 199 00:09:59.559 --> 00:10:01.639 this person me though, and it's fine that this is, 200 00:10:01.919 --> 00:10:04.440 you know, not a good situation in terms of like 201 00:10:04.559 --> 00:10:05.960 they don't know what they want to do with their life, 202 00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:08.759 or they're being really inconsistent, or they don't know what 203 00:10:08.799 --> 00:10:11.240 they want, like whatever it is. It was all the 204 00:10:11.240 --> 00:10:12.919 same things that I was doing in my brain when 205 00:10:12.919 --> 00:10:15.759 I was a little child, and you do that in 206 00:10:15.799 --> 00:10:18.679 your adulthood life unless you kind of catch that pattern. 207 00:10:18.799 --> 00:10:21.840 And also bringing it back to being anxiously attached, like 208 00:10:22.840 --> 00:10:26.679 you became anxiously attached because people weren't able to meet 209 00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:29.879 your need somewhere in your life, and there was a 210 00:10:29.919 --> 00:10:33.080 lot of danger that you perceived in your life and 211 00:10:33.120 --> 00:10:35.840 you probably went through things that were traumatic, and so 212 00:10:36.000 --> 00:10:40.480 when you're feeling that same way in relationships and you've 213 00:10:40.519 --> 00:10:43.799 worked on yourself and you know, like maybe this is 214 00:10:43.840 --> 00:10:46.159 not your first road yet, whatever it is, right, and 215 00:10:46.200 --> 00:10:48.120 you're still feeling that a lot of times it's just 216 00:10:48.159 --> 00:10:51.799 because you're in these relationships that are still not safe 217 00:10:51.799 --> 00:10:53.720 for you. And what I mean by that is, like 218 00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:58.440 you everyone needs certain things in relationships, whether it is 219 00:10:58.480 --> 00:11:00.960 how much quality time and physical touch and words of 220 00:11:01.440 --> 00:11:03.080 all that kind of stuff. And I'm not even really 221 00:11:03.159 --> 00:11:05.879 talking about the love languages, but I just mean genuinely 222 00:11:05.919 --> 00:11:08.240 like everyone needs something different. But there's gonna be a 223 00:11:08.360 --> 00:11:12.799 level of consistency that you should be standing in and 224 00:11:12.840 --> 00:11:15.399 asking foreign relationships because you deserve it and you never 225 00:11:15.480 --> 00:11:19.039 got it, but realistically you just need that, especially if you, 226 00:11:19.039 --> 00:11:21.919 you know, are more susceptible to being anxiously attached and 227 00:11:21.960 --> 00:11:24.279 worried and you know, all of these things. And I'm 228 00:11:24.279 --> 00:11:27.399 not saying like, you know, okay, we like walk around 229 00:11:27.399 --> 00:11:29.480 with trauma and I'm anxiously attached to like you need 230 00:11:29.519 --> 00:11:31.519 to just like bow down to me. It's not that, 231 00:11:31.639 --> 00:11:34.000 like I'm really trying to have a mature conversation. I 232 00:11:34.039 --> 00:11:36.919 think for the most part, you guys can understand what 233 00:11:36.960 --> 00:11:39.399 I'm saying. But there are just gonna be things that 234 00:11:39.480 --> 00:11:45.240 you need, like consistency, like deep conversations and connection, like 235 00:11:45.360 --> 00:11:49.159 even patience somebody who is making a genuine effort over 236 00:11:49.240 --> 00:11:51.600 and over and over again and showing you, hey, I'm 237 00:11:51.679 --> 00:11:54.159 here for you, and I want to be here for you, 238 00:11:54.320 --> 00:11:55.840 and I want to support you, and I want. 239 00:11:55.679 --> 00:11:56.480 To help you grow. 240 00:11:56.840 --> 00:11:59.480 All of these things are things you probably did not 241 00:11:59.679 --> 00:12:03.879 get from caregivers realistically, right, So like honestly, just like 242 00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:06.960 a dating tip, like if you want to find yourself 243 00:12:06.960 --> 00:12:08.799 in a healthier relationship, just kind of like look at 244 00:12:08.799 --> 00:12:10.600 the things that you weren't getting in a way. And 245 00:12:10.600 --> 00:12:12.519 it's not to look at our partners like you need 246 00:12:12.559 --> 00:12:16.120 to repairent me. But honestly, you heal in relationships, like 247 00:12:16.200 --> 00:12:18.879 a good therapist will tell you that you don't heal 248 00:12:19.600 --> 00:12:21.840 by doing a bunch of self love practices, which is 249 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:24.679 something that one of my clients was asking me about 250 00:12:24.679 --> 00:12:28.279 because she was like, well, what do you like suggest 251 00:12:28.320 --> 00:12:30.039 I do? Like do I need to do more self 252 00:12:30.080 --> 00:12:32.879 love and spend time with myself? And I had asked her, okay, 253 00:12:32.919 --> 00:12:34.039 like what do you do in your free time? 254 00:12:34.080 --> 00:12:34.919 And like what do you do? 255 00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:38.080 Whatever? She was juggling so many things. She was high 256 00:12:38.120 --> 00:12:41.320 achieving in my personal opinion, and she was self aware 257 00:12:41.360 --> 00:12:44.000 and all these things. So I'm like, baby, you don't 258 00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:48.159 need more self love, Like, honestly, you don't really sure. 259 00:12:48.240 --> 00:12:50.879 I guess you can do a few practices whatever, but 260 00:12:50.919 --> 00:12:53.039 that's not your issue. You're doing this thing in your 261 00:12:53.039 --> 00:12:55.080 brain where you're going back to believing that it's you 262 00:12:55.200 --> 00:12:57.679 and you're the issue, but she you're not the issue, 263 00:12:57.720 --> 00:13:00.200 and you're not asking for too much. And in this 264 00:13:00.240 --> 00:13:03.799 specific circumstance, I promise you guys, she was not asking 265 00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:05.919 for a lot. And I look at myself too, and 266 00:13:05.960 --> 00:13:07.879 I look back and I'm like, girl, i was not 267 00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:13.600 asking for even a crumb, And I'm like getting mad 268 00:13:13.600 --> 00:13:15.840 at myself when I'm feeling anxiously attaches, like, babe, of 269 00:13:15.879 --> 00:13:18.159 course you're feeling anxiously attached, or you're feeling a little 270 00:13:18.200 --> 00:13:21.399 bit uneasy in your relationship when you do not have 271 00:13:21.480 --> 00:13:26.039 consistency from somebody and you have somebody showing up for you. Okay, sorry, 272 00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:27.720 my camera died, so I kind of forget where I 273 00:13:27.799 --> 00:13:30.679 left off. But something that I learned in my twenties 274 00:13:30.679 --> 00:13:35.679 when I was dating and am dating, my anxious attachment 275 00:13:35.759 --> 00:13:40.679 style can go away in like quite literally three seconds 276 00:13:40.720 --> 00:13:43.919 if I'm with the right person. And this does not 277 00:13:44.080 --> 00:13:47.039 mean that you shouldn't again work on yourself and like 278 00:13:47.080 --> 00:13:50.080 love yourself. And you know, I think the reason why 279 00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:53.120 I'm not super anxiously attached even in like the healthiest 280 00:13:53.159 --> 00:13:56.360 relationship or insecure is because I do work on myself. 281 00:13:56.440 --> 00:13:59.600 And I do have a podcast episode on how to 282 00:13:59.639 --> 00:14:01.799 have a relationship with yourself. So I'll link that down 283 00:14:01.840 --> 00:14:03.960 below because if you're not there yet, then that video 284 00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:05.879 will be helpful. But you know, it gets a point 285 00:14:05.919 --> 00:14:07.879 where like you've done enough work on yourself, and then 286 00:14:07.919 --> 00:14:10.519 when you find somebody who genuinely is just like taking 287 00:14:10.559 --> 00:14:13.639 all the boxes, the anxious attachment is non existent. Okay. 288 00:14:13.799 --> 00:14:18.159 And one thing that helped me with acting like this 289 00:14:18.279 --> 00:14:21.399 or just being like this in relationships is understanding that, 290 00:14:21.480 --> 00:14:24.799 you know, what the reality is. I didn't get certain 291 00:14:24.840 --> 00:14:28.440 things in childhood, but I deserved it, you know, like 292 00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:31.080 there was just love that I didn't get, or consistency 293 00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:34.559 or whatever it is that I'm used to accepting. Those 294 00:14:34.559 --> 00:14:37.639 were just things that I didn't get shown in childhood. 295 00:14:37.720 --> 00:14:39.639 But if I think about myself when I was younger, like, 296 00:14:39.720 --> 00:14:42.960 of course I deserve that of course I deserved consistency 297 00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:46.200 and people to teach me how to be in relationships 298 00:14:46.240 --> 00:14:48.600 and show up and create a real family and a 299 00:14:48.679 --> 00:14:52.639 bond and love and all of that stuff. Like I 300 00:14:52.720 --> 00:14:56.080 deserved that. And I think it's really just acknowledging that 301 00:14:56.120 --> 00:14:58.039 you have the inner child and that you want to 302 00:14:58.080 --> 00:14:59.879 show up for it. Because I think that this really 303 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:03.639 helps you move away from accepting the bare minimum, because 304 00:15:04.200 --> 00:15:07.600 what you need to do is you need to allow 305 00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:11.360 yourself to want more. And you couldn't ask for that 306 00:15:11.679 --> 00:15:14.080 or you didn't get that when you're younger, but as 307 00:15:14.159 --> 00:15:19.240 you mature, it is your responsibility, but it is your 308 00:15:19.840 --> 00:15:22.759 blessing that you can give to yourself to finally ask 309 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:25.919 for more. Now. I found it challenging to ask for 310 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:30.159 more in relationships or just stop accepting the bare minimum 311 00:15:30.840 --> 00:15:33.639 when I had this type of mindset, And the mindset 312 00:15:33.639 --> 00:15:36.120 really is is like I need to do everything myself, 313 00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:39.240 and we should all give ourselves props the part of 314 00:15:39.320 --> 00:15:41.559 us that wants to do everything ourselves because we had to. 315 00:15:42.200 --> 00:15:44.480 That was the way you kept safe in your life. 316 00:15:44.759 --> 00:15:47.679 You've learned how to do everything on your own. Now 317 00:15:47.799 --> 00:15:50.840 you also could just be afraid because you were taught 318 00:15:51.360 --> 00:15:53.720 that you can't ask, like you're not allowed, you don't 319 00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:56.799 have a voice. But all of these stories are really 320 00:15:56.879 --> 00:16:00.240 just there to help you stay stuck. And it's a 321 00:16:00.320 --> 00:16:04.159 very foreign concept for people who never had people show 322 00:16:04.279 --> 00:16:06.159 up consistently in their lives, at least as it is 323 00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:12.559 for me. Hi, it is foreign. Like I'm around some 324 00:16:12.600 --> 00:16:16.480 people who really struggle with even understanding what I mean 325 00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:21.519 by this, Like I have lived so introverted and I'm 326 00:16:21.600 --> 00:16:24.519 an extrovert, like I'm actually really good socially, but like 327 00:16:25.120 --> 00:16:28.799 I have constantly leaned on myself the most, and partly 328 00:16:28.840 --> 00:16:31.639 it was like my fault in a way because like 329 00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:33.759 I always retreated to myself, Like I didn't lean on 330 00:16:33.840 --> 00:16:36.759 friends even if they tried things like that. Like it 331 00:16:36.840 --> 00:16:39.159 was definitely a balance of like me, but then also 332 00:16:39.279 --> 00:16:43.519 maybe just like my environment. But it was work, you know, 333 00:16:43.720 --> 00:16:46.519 opening up to people and trusting people. But I knew 334 00:16:46.519 --> 00:16:49.399 I had to do it because it's so unhealthy to 335 00:16:49.559 --> 00:16:53.639 not and just know that sometimes it feels uncomfortable, and 336 00:16:53.679 --> 00:16:56.279 it's going to feel uncomfortable, and you're gonna have voices 337 00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:58.840 in your head being like no, you shouldn't ask or 338 00:16:58.879 --> 00:17:02.080 get help or whatever it is. Or get close to people. 339 00:17:02.120 --> 00:17:04.599 But again those are all just lies to keep you stuck, 340 00:17:05.039 --> 00:17:08.960 and eventually you will feel more at home with people, places, 341 00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:13.000 and things when you start practicing being like okay, like 342 00:17:13.400 --> 00:17:16.119 I could do things all on my own, I could isolate, 343 00:17:16.160 --> 00:17:18.640 I could deal with my problems alone, I could cry alone, 344 00:17:18.839 --> 00:17:21.480 I could whatever it is alone. But I don't have to, 345 00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:25.400 like and you don't need to, And really life is 346 00:17:25.440 --> 00:17:28.720 a lot easier and better when you do allow people in. 347 00:17:28.920 --> 00:17:30.759 And honestly, if you can't even think about it like that, 348 00:17:31.359 --> 00:17:33.839 you can only grow so much as a person if 349 00:17:33.880 --> 00:17:35.960 you do everything on your own, Like as much as 350 00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:38.000 you think that you can just like be super high achieving. 351 00:17:38.039 --> 00:17:40.160 It comes to a point where, like if in work 352 00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:42.640 you need a team, eventually you need to delegate. You 353 00:17:42.680 --> 00:17:46.279 need help, you need conversations, or just as a person, 354 00:17:46.400 --> 00:17:48.200 like if you want to grow in relationships, like you 355 00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:51.400 need to be exposed to other people and you know, 356 00:17:51.519 --> 00:17:53.960 going out with other couples or friends or having good 357 00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:56.519 friendships so that they can kind of help you and 358 00:17:56.559 --> 00:17:58.599 hopefully guide you in a good way when it comes 359 00:17:58.599 --> 00:18:01.079 to relationships and things like that or anything in your life. 360 00:18:01.160 --> 00:18:05.880 But you need people, You need resources, You need things, 361 00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:08.599 and you shouldn't feel bad for that. So always reminding 362 00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:13.119 yourself of that anytime that you feel like you might 363 00:18:13.160 --> 00:18:15.559 be too afraid to voice what you need in a 364 00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:18.759 relationship or you're afraid to let go of something that 365 00:18:18.880 --> 00:18:23.279 you knew. Please, girl, we're gonna get into it. But 366 00:18:23.359 --> 00:18:26.759 like you know, Okay, So next thing, I don't even know, 367 00:18:26.839 --> 00:18:28.599 like how many points I don't even I'm just talking 368 00:18:28.680 --> 00:18:30.279 at this point whatever. I don't actually know if I 369 00:18:30.279 --> 00:18:32.440 already said this, But it's getting clear on what you 370 00:18:32.480 --> 00:18:36.000 want in a relationship. And you can find this out 371 00:18:36.039 --> 00:18:39.160 by seeing what you have accepted in your previous relationships 372 00:18:39.319 --> 00:18:41.200 or what you wish you had more of even in 373 00:18:41.240 --> 00:18:45.079 your current relationship. Like you're either happy with it or 374 00:18:45.119 --> 00:18:50.000 you're not. Okay, like is there really Like obviously relationships 375 00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:54.240 are not perfect, but you're either like anxious or you're not. 376 00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:59.079 You're worried or you're not. You're waiting and stressing or 377 00:19:00.519 --> 00:19:03.000 holding something in or you're like you're not. So just 378 00:19:03.119 --> 00:19:06.200 be real with yourself and ask yourself, like, what are 379 00:19:06.279 --> 00:19:10.079 those things that would help you a little bit at ease. 380 00:19:10.119 --> 00:19:11.839 I don't even care if you want to gaslight yourself 381 00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:13.440 and say, well, no, I'm asking for too much if 382 00:19:13.480 --> 00:19:15.480 I asked to go on a phone call every night, 383 00:19:15.759 --> 00:19:18.640 or have a longer conversation than five minutes, or maybe 384 00:19:18.640 --> 00:19:22.480 to like get a morning text. Listen, you're gaslighting yourself 385 00:19:22.559 --> 00:19:24.720 into telling yourself that no, no, no, it's fine, I don't 386 00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:27.519 need that, or like, I'm just being too like yes, 387 00:19:27.599 --> 00:19:30.480 it's the way you communicate one hundred percent. Okay, Again, 388 00:19:30.759 --> 00:19:33.119 I'm not talking to every single person under the sun. 389 00:19:33.160 --> 00:19:36.000 When it comes to this advice, I possibly cannot but 390 00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:38.559 be real with yourself. So I have a journal problem 391 00:19:38.640 --> 00:19:40.440 for you guys, and you can journal on this, and 392 00:19:40.440 --> 00:19:43.640 again the prompts will be in the description as well. 393 00:19:43.759 --> 00:19:45.400 If I had to be real with myself, what have 394 00:19:45.480 --> 00:19:49.240 I accepted and negotiated in my past relationships that do 395 00:19:49.319 --> 00:19:51.920 not align to what I truly want in a relationship, 396 00:19:52.119 --> 00:19:54.079 and what do I want in a relationship? 397 00:19:54.200 --> 00:19:56.680 Let go of the lack here be in. 398 00:19:56.640 --> 00:20:00.359 That abundant mindset. Okay, but let's not be so surface level. Okay. 399 00:20:00.359 --> 00:20:02.279 I'm not saying you can think about the dates that 400 00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:04.039 you want and like the trips you want to go on, 401 00:20:04.079 --> 00:20:08.119