Speaker 1: Hi everyone, and welcome back to the podcast episode. My
Speaker 1: name is Alicia Gogin, the host Oflical Secrets podcast, where
Speaker 1: I help you expand your mind and become more self
Speaker 1: aware so that you can glow up is the best
Speaker 1: version of yourself. Hello everyone, and happy Sunday. I missed
Speaker 1: you guys, like it was only a week I was gone,
Speaker 1: but I feel like I've been gone for ever. And
Speaker 1: you know why that is, I think is because I'm
Speaker 1: a Scorpio and I feel like I go through deaths
Speaker 1: and rebirths literally every single week. Something new, I'm learning,
Speaker 1: something I'm reflecting on. My life is changing, YadA YadA.
Speaker 1: So anyways, I feel like I lived twelve lives. But
Speaker 1: I hope everyone is doing good. Today.
Speaker 2: We have the hair out.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm trying this headband thing. I don't
Speaker 1: really know how to wear them properly or how I
Speaker 1: like it. But it's cute. It's giving like a Sunday
Speaker 1: reset vibes. And it is Sunday. And there is a
Speaker 1: few journal prompts that I'll give you guys today, but
Speaker 1: we're gonna be on topic, you know, you see, how
Speaker 1: like we'll do something for a bit and then it's
Speaker 1: like naturally, lately we've been needing to have specific topics,
Speaker 1: and today's podcast topic is how to stop being low
Speaker 1: maintenance in relationships, And I really just want to honestly,
Speaker 1: this is gonna be me speaking to a younger version
Speaker 1: of me. Okay, like my twenties version of me. I'm
Speaker 1: twenty nine, so like literally like not that long ago
Speaker 1: version of me, like heavily because this was me to
Speaker 1: a tee. But I have been having a few clients
Speaker 1: like one on one sessions, which I do have one
Speaker 1: on one sessions. I don't really promote it too much
Speaker 1: because there's so much that I'm juggling, but if you're
Speaker 1: wanting to work with me, I do have a link
Speaker 1: always down below, and I open my sessions weekly and
Speaker 1: if you can't find a time, you can always email me,
Speaker 1: but you can always check then. Anyways, I've seen some
Speaker 1: of my clients, but also my friends and not me
Speaker 1: right now. I'm actually in a much better place in
Speaker 1: my love life right now, which I know I'm sure
Speaker 1: talking about that soon, but at one point, and why
Speaker 1: I'm even in a good place and why I'm reflecting
Speaker 1: on this right now is because I really convinced myself
Speaker 1: that I was asking for too much in relationships, which
Speaker 1: was so far from the truth. And this is what
Speaker 1: I mean by being low maintenance in relationships. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna be talking about the I feel like sometimes, like
Speaker 1: with trends and stuff, when it's like high maintenance low maintenance,
Speaker 1: like whatever maintenance type of wording, it kind of sounds
Speaker 1: like you should be the opposite, so like you should
Speaker 1: be asking like a guy for money or or X
Speaker 1: amount of dates or this x amount of treatment when
Speaker 1: it comes to like material and actions and things like that.
Speaker 1: Not to say that you can't ask for that, but
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, like I want to talk about the
Speaker 1: like subtle nuances, like the ones where we just don't
Speaker 1: really catch because I think for probably a lot of us,
Speaker 1: we're not even those type of people anyways. And I
Speaker 1: actually feel, and this is why I resonate with it
Speaker 1: so deeply that a lot of the I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: say girls women like for this example, but it can
Speaker 1: be guys to whatever. The ones who are always self improving,
Speaker 1: who are independent, who have a lot going for themselves,
Speaker 1: it's like they do know their worth, like they are
Speaker 1: aware they're self aware they might be even the advice friend,
Speaker 1: like they're aware of their past, aware of their traumas,
Speaker 1: and this that like us girls sometimes do a really
Speaker 1: good job at trying to not see what the reality is,
Speaker 1: especially in our love lives, and we're not honest with
Speaker 1: ourselves when it comes to just how much we are
Speaker 1: really accepting the bare minimum. And I want to talk
Speaker 1: about that. I want to talk about where that comes from.
Speaker 1: I want to talk about some of the things that
Speaker 1: I have learned to not be so afraid to ask
Speaker 1: for more, but also just to feel better about letting
Speaker 1: go of the things that are not serving me in Sorry,
Speaker 1: theo right now has a new toy and he's like
Speaker 1: moving my camera after watching on YouTube. So being somebody
Speaker 1: who was I would say like your average anxiously attached
Speaker 1: in my twenties when it came to dating, when I
Speaker 1: learned about being anxiously attached, and I learned that, oh,
Speaker 1: it's important to have a relationship with yourself and learn
Speaker 1: how to self soothe and you know, like not rely
Speaker 1: solely on a man or someone else's attention and things
Speaker 1: like that. I worked on myself when it came to
Speaker 1: the relationships like that, and I definitely got into relationships
Speaker 1: where it's like I knew that I loved myself or
Speaker 1: I thought that I did, but I would still be triggered.
Speaker 1: And it got to a point where I really learned
Speaker 1: I was just gas letting myself into saying, like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's me, Like I'm anxiously attached. I need to learn
Speaker 1: how to love myself more. Why am I getting so
Speaker 1: triggered over someone else's behavior? And you know, if they're
Speaker 1: not texting me or calling me in this that now,
Speaker 1: like I said, I'm talking to the ones who aren't
Speaker 1: blowing up someone's phone and needing somebody to hold their hands,
Speaker 1: So you're gonna have to discern whether this is you
Speaker 1: or not. But for me, I would still be so
Speaker 1: anxiously attacked and triggered in relationships, even as I knew
Speaker 1: I was so like self aware and like I was
Speaker 1: so like good and like.
Speaker 2: Healed in a way.
Speaker 1: And I found a lot of the reasons why I
Speaker 1: was really still caught up in this anxious attachment style
Speaker 1: and just feeling the way that I felt was because
Speaker 1: I was not being honest with myself about the fact
Speaker 1: that I was accepting the bare minimum. I was not
Speaker 1: asking for what I wanted. I had no needs that
Speaker 1: were being met. I was not allowing myself to be
Speaker 1: real with myself. I would go around and around and
Speaker 1: make excuses as to why it's fine that this need
Speaker 1: is not met in a relationship, whether it's like this
Speaker 1: person coming to see me, or action or consistency or
Speaker 1: frequency and conversation or finances even or like where this
Speaker 1: person was in their life, like it was just such
Speaker 1: a you know, doing a dance around these things, these
Speaker 1: really important things. And it's even worse when you know
Speaker 1: you are with probably people you've dated, these people who
Speaker 1: you know that they like you or love you even
Speaker 1: and it's not really actually toxic, which is sometimes why
Speaker 1: it's confusing when you are triggered or like feeling anxious.
Speaker 1: But this is a thing, and it kind of makes
Speaker 1: sense when you come from dysfunction in relationships, or when
Speaker 1: if you're real with yourself, you've grown up and actually
Speaker 1: not a lot of your needs have been met, or
Speaker 1: you don't know how to ask for them or don't
Speaker 1: know how to communicate whatever it is. It's kind of
Speaker 1: silly to think that we would just automatically be in
Speaker 1: the most healthy relationships now obviously that can happen, and
Speaker 1: also it can you can become secure, you can match
Speaker 1: up with a secure person and whatever. But I'm just saying, like,
Speaker 1: sometimes we're always convincing ourselves it's us. But if we
Speaker 1: actually look at it, like we're not choosing people who
Speaker 1: are able to show up and this is the thing,
Speaker 1: and it's a thing for me, it's a thing for
Speaker 1: the people that I talk to and even friends. Like
Speaker 1: it's typically this cycle of in your childhood somewhere, Okay,
Speaker 1: I just like to use parents as example. It could
Speaker 1: be your caregivers. It could be completely different situations, but
Speaker 1: whatever it is, you are primed to always want love.
Speaker 1: Like you're you're human, You're always gonna have that desire,
Speaker 1: and love means a lot of things, especially when we're
Speaker 1: young too. It also means safety. It means that we
Speaker 1: can express ourselves and be who we need to be,
Speaker 1: you know, like there's nothing to fear. But also safety
Speaker 1: in the sense of like I need to stay alive,
Speaker 1: you know. So we're wired for that, and we get
Speaker 1: that first from our caregivers, our parents or whoever is
Speaker 1: looking after us. But when we don't get that, when
Speaker 1: we have an absent father or an absent mother or
Speaker 1: somebody we just couldn't satisfy, whatever the case is, even
Speaker 1: though we don't know it consciously, like subconsciously, we're always
Speaker 1: trying to figure out why why can't I get that
Speaker 1: to love? Why does he love me? Why why can't
Speaker 1: I get that love? Why can't I get that feeling?
Speaker 1: It's like an instinctual thing, and I'm not able to
Speaker 1: get it. And we can do that in the form
Speaker 1: of thinking we are the problem. We can and try
Speaker 1: to understand it by accepting the bare minimum. Because when
Speaker 1: you accept the bare minimum, like your parent giving you
Speaker 1: the bare minimum, and that translates into adult life, but
Speaker 1: your parent that's giving you the bare minimum, it hurts
Speaker 1: less than to face the reality that you're really not
Speaker 1: getting the love that you deeply are desiring from a parent,
Speaker 1: like genuinely. Like That's what we do in our childlike
Speaker 1: brains as we come up with all of these excuses
Speaker 1: and these ways of looking at things so that we
Speaker 1: can put these parents on pedestals, and also to make
Speaker 1: sure that we're not losing any sort of that love
Speaker 1: or feel any sort of that pain, because it's painful.
Speaker 1: And this is not to say that like our parents
Speaker 1: are even supposed to be perfect. Who's even to say that, right,
Speaker 1: And we don't have to do the whole blame game
Speaker 1: and stuff, But I'm just wanting to like say what
Speaker 1: it is like that's literally attachments as much as obviously
Speaker 1: I can explain it, right, Like I'm not a therapist,
Speaker 1: but I learned a lot about this in therapy and
Speaker 1: in so many other resources, and it's just been so
Speaker 1: true for me. I have not even learned how to
Speaker 1: have healthy relationships based off of the ones that were
Speaker 1: shown to me. But also I was taught to accept
Speaker 1: the bare minimum because that's all the times what I
Speaker 1: was getting from the first relationships in my life, and
Speaker 1: not to ask for a lot, and that there would
Speaker 1: be consequences if I asked for things, and or I
Speaker 1: didn't get taught how to have boundaries in relationships, and
Speaker 1: when you don't have boundaries in relationships, like anything goes
Speaker 1: and you don't respect yourself. Like all of these things
Speaker 1: stem from childhood, like you guys now. But the thing
Speaker 1: that changed the game for me, and this still takes time, right,
Speaker 1: But the thing that changed the game for me was
Speaker 1: witnessing when I was re enacting these patterns from childhood
Speaker 1: with the people that I was dating and when I
Speaker 1: was in these like attachment styles with people who were
Speaker 1: like kind of avoidant or I was like anxiously attached
Speaker 1: regardless of how much I worked on myself or not.
Speaker 1: The main theme there was the main theme in my
Speaker 1: attachments with my parents, which was accepting the bare minimum
Speaker 1: and always giving excuses and trying to tell myself like, well,
Speaker 1: this person me though, and it's fine that this is,
Speaker 1: you know, not a good situation in terms of like
Speaker 1: they don't know what they want to do with their life,
Speaker 1: or they're being really inconsistent, or they don't know what
Speaker 1: they want, like whatever it is. It was all the
Speaker 1: same things that I was doing in my brain when
Speaker 1: I was a little child, and you do that in
Speaker 1: your adulthood life unless you kind of catch that pattern.
Speaker 1: And also bringing it back to being anxiously attached, like
Speaker 1: you became anxiously attached because people weren't able to meet
Speaker 1: your need somewhere in your life, and there was a
Speaker 1: lot of danger that you perceived in your life and
Speaker 1: you probably went through things that were traumatic, and so
Speaker 1: when you're feeling that same way in relationships and you've
Speaker 1: worked on yourself and you know, like maybe this is
Speaker 1: not your first road yet, whatever it is, right, and
Speaker 1: you're still feeling that a lot of times it's just
Speaker 1: because you're in these relationships that are still not safe
Speaker 1: for you. And what I mean by that is, like
Speaker 1: you everyone needs certain things in relationships, whether it is
Speaker 1: how much quality time and physical touch and words of
Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff. And I'm not even really
Speaker 1: talking about the love languages, but I just mean genuinely
Speaker 1: like everyone needs something different. But there's gonna be a
Speaker 1: level of consistency that you should be standing in and
Speaker 1: asking foreign relationships because you deserve it and you never
Speaker 1: got it, but realistically you just need that, especially if you,
Speaker 1: you know, are more susceptible to being anxiously attached and
Speaker 1: worried and you know, all of these things. And I'm
Speaker 1: not saying like, you know, okay, we like walk around
Speaker 1: with trauma and I'm anxiously attached to like you need
Speaker 1: to just like bow down to me. It's not that,
Speaker 1: like I'm really trying to have a mature conversation. I
Speaker 1: think for the most part, you guys can understand what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. But there are just gonna be things that
Speaker 1: you need, like consistency, like deep conversations and connection, like
Speaker 1: even patience somebody who is making a genuine effort over
Speaker 1: and over and over again and showing you, hey, I'm
Speaker 1: here for you, and I want to be here for you,
Speaker 1: and I want to support you, and I want.
Speaker 2: To help you grow.
Speaker 1: All of these things are things you probably did not
Speaker 1: get from caregivers realistically, right, So like honestly, just like
Speaker 1: a dating tip, like if you want to find yourself
Speaker 1: in a healthier relationship, just kind of like look at
Speaker 1: the things that you weren't getting in a way. And
Speaker 1: it's not to look at our partners like you need
Speaker 1: to repairent me. But honestly, you heal in relationships, like
Speaker 1: a good therapist will tell you that you don't heal
Speaker 1: by doing a bunch of self love practices, which is
Speaker 1: something that one of my clients was asking me about
Speaker 1: because she was like, well, what do you like suggest
Speaker 1: I do? Like do I need to do more self
Speaker 1: love and spend time with myself? And I had asked her, okay,
Speaker 1: like what do you do in your free time?
Speaker 2: And like what do you do?
Speaker 1: Whatever? She was juggling so many things. She was high
Speaker 1: achieving in my personal opinion, and she was self aware
Speaker 1: and all these things. So I'm like, baby, you don't
Speaker 1: need more self love, Like, honestly, you don't really sure.
Speaker 1: I guess you can do a few practices whatever, but
Speaker 1: that's not your issue. You're doing this thing in your
Speaker 1: brain where you're going back to believing that it's you
Speaker 1: and you're the issue, but she you're not the issue,
Speaker 1: and you're not asking for too much. And in this
Speaker 1: specific circumstance, I promise you guys, she was not asking
Speaker 1: for a lot. And I look at myself too, and
Speaker 1: I look back and I'm like, girl, i was not
Speaker 1: asking for even a crumb, And I'm like getting mad
Speaker 1: at myself when I'm feeling anxiously attaches, like, babe, of
Speaker 1: course you're feeling anxiously attached, or you're feeling a little
Speaker 1: bit uneasy in your relationship when you do not have
Speaker 1: consistency from somebody and you have somebody showing up for you. Okay, sorry,
Speaker 1: my camera died, so I kind of forget where I
Speaker 1: left off. But something that I learned in my twenties
Speaker 1: when I was dating and am dating, my anxious attachment
Speaker 1: style can go away in like quite literally three seconds
Speaker 1: if I'm with the right person. And this does not
Speaker 1: mean that you shouldn't again work on yourself and like
Speaker 1: love yourself. And you know, I think the reason why
Speaker 1: I'm not super anxiously attached even in like the healthiest
Speaker 1: relationship or insecure is because I do work on myself.
Speaker 1: And I do have a podcast episode on how to
Speaker 1: have a relationship with yourself. So I'll link that down
Speaker 1: below because if you're not there yet, then that video
Speaker 1: will be helpful. But you know, it gets a point
Speaker 1: where like you've done enough work on yourself, and then
Speaker 1: when you find somebody who genuinely is just like taking
Speaker 1: all the boxes, the anxious attachment is non existent. Okay.
Speaker 1: And one thing that helped me with acting like this
Speaker 1: or just being like this in relationships is understanding that,
Speaker 1: you know, what the reality is. I didn't get certain
Speaker 1: things in childhood, but I deserved it, you know, like
Speaker 1: there was just love that I didn't get, or consistency
Speaker 1: or whatever it is that I'm used to accepting. Those
Speaker 1: were just things that I didn't get shown in childhood.
Speaker 1: But if I think about myself when I was younger, like,
Speaker 1: of course I deserve that of course I deserved consistency
Speaker 1: and people to teach me how to be in relationships
Speaker 1: and show up and create a real family and a
Speaker 1: bond and love and all of that stuff. Like I
Speaker 1: deserved that. And I think it's really just acknowledging that
Speaker 1: you have the inner child and that you want to
Speaker 1: show up for it. Because I think that this really
Speaker 1: helps you move away from accepting the bare minimum, because
Speaker 1: what you need to do is you need to allow
Speaker 1: yourself to want more. And you couldn't ask for that
Speaker 1: or you didn't get that when you're younger, but as
Speaker 1: you mature, it is your responsibility, but it is your
Speaker 1: blessing that you can give to yourself to finally ask
Speaker 1: for more. Now. I found it challenging to ask for
Speaker 1: more in relationships or just stop accepting the bare minimum
Speaker 1: when I had this type of mindset, And the mindset
Speaker 1: really is is like I need to do everything myself,
Speaker 1: and we should all give ourselves props the part of
Speaker 1: us that wants to do everything ourselves because we had to.
Speaker 1: That was the way you kept safe in your life.
Speaker 1: You've learned how to do everything on your own. Now
Speaker 1: you also could just be afraid because you were taught
Speaker 1: that you can't ask, like you're not allowed, you don't
Speaker 1: have a voice. But all of these stories are really
Speaker 1: just there to help you stay stuck. And it's a
Speaker 1: very foreign concept for people who never had people show
Speaker 1: up consistently in their lives, at least as it is
Speaker 1: for me. Hi, it is foreign. Like I'm around some
Speaker 1: people who really struggle with even understanding what I mean
Speaker 1: by this, Like I have lived so introverted and I'm
Speaker 1: an extrovert, like I'm actually really good socially, but like
Speaker 1: I have constantly leaned on myself the most, and partly
Speaker 1: it was like my fault in a way because like
Speaker 1: I always retreated to myself, Like I didn't lean on
Speaker 1: friends even if they tried things like that. Like it
Speaker 1: was definitely a balance of like me, but then also
Speaker 1: maybe just like my environment. But it was work, you know,
Speaker 1: opening up to people and trusting people. But I knew
Speaker 1: I had to do it because it's so unhealthy to
Speaker 1: not and just know that sometimes it feels uncomfortable, and
Speaker 1: it's going to feel uncomfortable, and you're gonna have voices
Speaker 1: in your head being like no, you shouldn't ask or
Speaker 1: get help or whatever it is. Or get close to people.
Speaker 1: But again those are all just lies to keep you stuck,
Speaker 1: and eventually you will feel more at home with people, places,
Speaker 1: and things when you start practicing being like okay, like
Speaker 1: I could do things all on my own, I could isolate,
Speaker 1: I could deal with my problems alone, I could cry alone,
Speaker 1: I could whatever it is alone. But I don't have to,
Speaker 1: like and you don't need to, And really life is
Speaker 1: a lot easier and better when you do allow people in.
Speaker 1: And honestly, if you can't even think about it like that,
Speaker 1: you can only grow so much as a person if
Speaker 1: you do everything on your own, Like as much as
Speaker 1: you think that you can just like be super high achieving.
Speaker 1: It comes to a point where, like if in work
Speaker 1: you need a team, eventually you need to delegate. You
Speaker 1: need help, you need conversations, or just as a person,
Speaker 1: like if you want to grow in relationships, like you
Speaker 1: need to be exposed to other people and you know,
Speaker 1: going out with other couples or friends or having good
Speaker 1: friendships so that they can kind of help you and
Speaker 1: hopefully guide you in a good way when it comes
Speaker 1: to relationships and things like that or anything in your life.
Speaker 1: But you need people, You need resources, You need things,
Speaker 1: and you shouldn't feel bad for that. So always reminding
Speaker 1: yourself of that anytime that you feel like you might
Speaker 1: be too afraid to voice what you need in a
Speaker 1: relationship or you're afraid to let go of something that
Speaker 1: you knew. Please, girl, we're gonna get into it. But
Speaker 1: like you know, Okay, So next thing, I don't even know,
Speaker 1: like how many points I don't even I'm just talking
Speaker 1: at this point whatever. I don't actually know if I
Speaker 1: already said this, But it's getting clear on what you
Speaker 1: want in a relationship. And you can find this out
Speaker 1: by seeing what you have accepted in your previous relationships
Speaker 1: or what you wish you had more of even in
Speaker 1: your current relationship. Like you're either happy with it or
Speaker 1: you're not. Okay, like is there really Like obviously relationships
Speaker 1: are not perfect, but you're either like anxious or you're not.
Speaker 1: You're worried or you're not. You're waiting and stressing or
Speaker 1: holding something in or you're like you're not. So just
Speaker 1: be real with yourself and ask yourself, like, what are
Speaker 1: those things that would help you a little bit at ease.
Speaker 1: I don't even care if you want to gaslight yourself
Speaker 1: and say, well, no, I'm asking for too much if
Speaker 1: I asked to go on a phone call every night,
Speaker 1: or have a longer conversation than five minutes, or maybe
Speaker 1: to like get a morning text. Listen, you're gaslighting yourself
Speaker 1: into telling yourself that no, no, no, it's fine, I don't
Speaker 1: need that, or like, I'm just being too like yes,
Speaker 1: it's the way you communicate one hundred percent. Okay, Again,
Speaker 1: I'm not talking to every single person under the sun.
Speaker 1: When it comes to this advice, I possibly cannot but
Speaker 1: be real with yourself. So I have a journal problem
Speaker 1: for you guys, and you can journal on this, and
Speaker 1: again the prompts will be in the description as well.
Speaker 1: If I had to be real with myself, what have
Speaker 1: I accepted and negotiated in my past relationships that do
Speaker 1: not align to what I truly want in a relationship,
Speaker 1: and what do I want in a relationship?
Speaker 2: Let go of the lack here be in.
Speaker 1: That abundant mindset. Okay, but let's not be so surface level. Okay.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you can think about the dates that
Speaker 1: you want and like the trips you want to go on,
Speaker 1: and this that cool, amazing, But like realistically, Like, think
Speaker 1: about and again I'm just speaking in terms of like me,
Speaker 1: a woman, husband my future husband. Okay, how do I
Speaker 1: want my future husband to be? And I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that we need to be tied to anyone outcome or
Speaker 1: look okay, please, but what are those qualities? Like? Do
Speaker 1: you want a husband who's going to be a good
Speaker 1: father and who's going to treat you right and respect
Speaker 1: you and love on you and show up for you
Speaker 1: and support you for the things that matter and push
Speaker 1: you in the ways that maybe you can't be pushed yourself,
Speaker 1: not because you don't want to do it, but because
Speaker 1: you need another perspective. Do you want to be with
Speaker 1: somebody who you can laugh with and have fun with
Speaker 1: and go to concerts or festivals or do the same
Speaker 1: morning routine whatever it is, Like, think about it. You
Speaker 1: probably like the person that you're with if you're watching this,
Speaker 1: or the person that maybe you're stuck in a little
Speaker 1: cycle with or you keep going back to or you're
Speaker 1: past previous. They probably aren't checking those boxes and you've
Speaker 1: probably just put it to the side it's fine, doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: or you've excused why. And I'm not saying that everyone
Speaker 1: is going to be perfect and whatever, and like maybe
Speaker 1: there's waiting periods, right like you grow with somebody and
Speaker 1: maybe eiy're in school or maybe they're long distance for
Speaker 1: a bit. That's that's fine, okay, But you know, I
Speaker 1: feel like a lot of us again, we literally just
Speaker 1: shut down the play center, the love center, the desires
Speaker 1: of what we really want and need for somebody who
Speaker 1: probably at the beginning when they handed you, hey, a
Speaker 1: card of things that I can give you and things
Speaker 1: that I can't, you probably did see a lot of
Speaker 1: those things that they couldn't. But you're like, well, I'm
Speaker 1: used to that and it doesn't really matter. And honestly,
Speaker 1: this is the only card that's ever been played, So
Speaker 1: what am I even going to say no to it?
Speaker 1: But again, you should have had the card. You should
Speaker 1: have been granted the card of all your needs being met.
Speaker 1: And when it comes to relationships, it's not like all
Speaker 1: your needs are gonna be met right away.
Speaker 2: But what you do deserve is to be with.
Speaker 1: Somebody who can communicate and who wants to be in
Speaker 1: this with you, and you can tell that they're there,
Speaker 1: like they're ready to work with you. They might not
Speaker 1: be the exact same on the exact same level, or
Speaker 1: want to work on things just as much as you do.
Speaker 1: But they're there, and you know they're there because you
Speaker 1: could voice things and you know that they're not going
Speaker 1: to try and gaslight you or they're going to be avoidant.
Speaker 1: And if you're afraid to say certain things, you really
Speaker 1: want to check in to see like who is the
Speaker 1: person that I'm with? But also what am I afraid
Speaker 1: of if I do communicate, because that's another thing, right,
Speaker 1: it could be your insecurities. But this is what I
Speaker 1: like to think, and this is what I always say too.
Speaker 1: It's like, you have to be willing to walk away
Speaker 1: from things that don't serve you. And in this case
Speaker 1: we'll talk about relationships. You have to be willing to
Speaker 1: walk away. When you're willing to walk away, you are
Speaker 1: more able to communicate things because it's like, Okay, well
Speaker 1: if I communicate this and you know it's not working,
Speaker 1: it's not vibing with us, and I can walk away.
Speaker 1: But you're gonna be more willing to walk away when
Speaker 1: you remind yourself that if you're walking away from anything,
Speaker 1: it's because it's not for you. Okay, we would not
Speaker 1: walk away from something that is genuinely a beautiful, healthy connection.
Speaker 1: Is their outliers, Sure, but I'm just talking about like, realistically,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't walk away from your dream relationship now, yes,
Speaker 1: could you be sabotaging things and could you know that
Speaker 1: that person's really good for you and this that? Yeah, maybe,
Speaker 1: But for the most part, I am talking about those
Speaker 1: relationships where it's just those like stuckness, energy of back
Speaker 1: and forth, and you know, if you could be real
Speaker 1: with yourself that you're just it's you're not getting what
Speaker 1: you actually deserve, even if you believe it or not,
Speaker 1: You're just not getting You're getting the bare minimum. And
Speaker 1: that's what I've always love to tell myself. If it's
Speaker 1: not this, then it's just better, right because you're learning
Speaker 1: now from your current or your past relationship what didn't work,
Speaker 1: or you should be really looking at it and being
Speaker 1: real with yourself and doing whatever work that you need
Speaker 1: to do on yourself, like recentering yourself. You know, like
Speaker 1: it's definitely a thing to lose yourself in relationships, but
Speaker 1: also to be like, okay, like what did I accept?
Speaker 1: And a lot of times it's those patterns in different
Speaker 1: flavors sometimes, So what did I accept that I didn't like.
Speaker 1: What could I improve on these things? And you're going
Speaker 1: to look for that moving forward. Now, I do think
Speaker 1: that there is a part where it kind of lands
Speaker 1: on us a little bit more, at least for me,
Speaker 1: Like I was, yes, sometimes most of the times just
Speaker 1: with people who really just weren't meeting my needs, and
Speaker 1: I was just kind of living out with that pattern.
Speaker 1: But I didn't really know how to communicate, And of
Speaker 1: course the willingness to walk away is always helpful. But
Speaker 1: then there are relationships where again they're not perfect, right,
Speaker 1: So you do need to be mature and communicate and
Speaker 1: not shut down. And you can ask yourself this, what
Speaker 1: is the way that I tend to shut down when
Speaker 1: it comes to seeing that my relationship needs are not
Speaker 1: being met? And a lot of us won't say anything.
Speaker 1: We'll just try and play the game perfectly, right, Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be too emotional or I don't
Speaker 1: want to be too much, so I'm just gonna leave it.
Speaker 1: I'm just whatever, it's fine. You tell yourself these stories
Speaker 1: about how it's okay, whatever it is, right, but you
Speaker 1: are really gonna need to challenge yourself, and for me,
Speaker 1: I was somebody who would always just pretend like it
Speaker 1: didn't FaZe me, like whatever. You know, like I'm realizing
Speaker 1: that I'm with somebody who's avoidant or they're doing behaviors
Speaker 1: or whatever. Like I was that person that was like, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm just not gonna say anything. But then I was
Speaker 1: still in those situations or if I was in like
Speaker 1: maybe like a healthier relationship, I was in a relationship,
Speaker 1: it would kind of just be like I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: shut down or you know, let myself kind of blow
Speaker 1: up even and I find the best way to help
Speaker 1: yourself communicate in relationships is giving yourself a moment, like
Speaker 1: doing your best not to react in that moment, even
Speaker 1: if you do know what to say, or you don't
Speaker 1: don't know what to say, whatever it is, Like I
Speaker 1: always just try and like breathe, Like even in a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship and I'm feeling like a little bit triggered,
Speaker 1: like because you can go back into your old ways,
Speaker 1: whatever those are, I really just like to bring my
Speaker 1: attention to myself and like take a few breaths, even
Speaker 1: if it's going to come off like I am being silent.
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to be silent. It's just like what
Speaker 1: that is. And then I'm thinking about like what do
Speaker 1: we have here, Like am I with somebody who it's
Speaker 1: worth to kind of like communicate and am I safe
Speaker 1: to communicate? And if I am safe to communicate because
Speaker 1: I know this person is showing up for me consistently
Speaker 1: in this that then it does feel easier to open up.
Speaker 1: But again, sometimes you're not even with something like you
Speaker 1: are triggered and you need to communicate, but then you
Speaker 1: don't know how because also you're with somebody who it's
Speaker 1: impossible to communicate with because that's probably what we're taught
Speaker 1: in childhood too, and so it's like you don't really
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like, listen, it's a whole thing.
Speaker 1: I'm saying all this really to say, like I just
Speaker 1: want you to be real with yourself first and foremost
Speaker 1: when it comes to your relationships. Enough with the gaslighting
Speaker 1: and telling yourself that you are asking for too much.
Speaker 1: You are not. And the ones who are independent, the
Speaker 1: ones who work hard on themselves, the ones who are
Speaker 1: hard on themselves in general. Okay, you guys are probably
Speaker 1: the ones who are asking for the least seriously, And
Speaker 1: I actually think something that has been really helpful for
Speaker 1: me is to start being around people and even places
Speaker 1: that are healthy, okay, and to see healthy forms of
Speaker 1: love and getting support and talking to the people who
Speaker 1: have It's not about like who has the most successful
Speaker 1: relationship or whatever, but like learning about it. So obviously
Speaker 1: listening to podcasts and reading books on attachment styles and
Speaker 1: you know, doing that inner child work, doing that work
Speaker 1: on myself and self development, but naturally like going out
Speaker 1: to places that are healthy, right, like not attracting and
Speaker 1: not talking to people.
Speaker 2: Who are clearly just not being c okay.
Speaker 1: And this even means like getting off of social media
Speaker 1: sometimes or if you are on social media and you're
Speaker 1: listening to people's relationship, you're listening to real people, as
Speaker 1: real as they can be on the social media apps
Speaker 1: these days, but who have like had good marriages. They're
Speaker 1: they're speaking about marriage and it doesn't have to be marriages,
Speaker 1: but relationships whatever you're interested in. But they're speaking from
Speaker 1: a place of lived experience, in the years of experience,
Speaker 1: and just like surrounding yourself with good people, places and
Speaker 1: things online and offline, because I think that that really
Speaker 1: rewires your brain, right because you're so used to seeing dysfunction.
Speaker 1: And I even think about, like in my early twenties,
Speaker 1: like a lot of my friends around me also kind
Speaker 1: of learn dysfunction or their were dysfunctional relationships, or everyone
Speaker 1: was accepting the bare minimum, and you know, like hookup
Speaker 1: culture was the thing, and it was very rare for
Speaker 1: like anyone to have somebody be treating them right or
Speaker 1: be in a healthy relationship. But once you start to
Speaker 1: get exposed to that, you realize you're not asking for
Speaker 1: too much. You never were, and I mean you don't
Speaker 1: even need that to realize that. Think about your past.
Speaker 1: But also being influenced in a healthy way from people
Speaker 1: who are healthy, it will retrain you to start standing
Speaker 1: up into your worth and being like, actually no, and listen,
Speaker 1: this is like an analogy. I think it's this analogy
Speaker 1: whatever it is that I like to think about everyone
Speaker 1: on earth. And let's say we're just going to use
Speaker 1: men here, all the men on earth, right, Like, they
Speaker 1: all have something that they can give you if they
Speaker 1: want to date you. It could be age, it could
Speaker 1: be stage of life. It could be their career paths,
Speaker 1: it could be their personalities, it could be their looks.
Speaker 1: All of these things and by the way, let's just
Speaker 1: say that we know, like they all have good intention
Speaker 1: and they really like you, and they just like whatever
Speaker 1: they want to be with you. Just because they're handing
Speaker 1: you this card doesn't mean that you have to take it,
Speaker 1: but that's what you do. It's as soon as somebody
Speaker 1: gives you a card, you don't even read it, you
Speaker 1: just take it. You take it, And we need to
Speaker 1: stop doing that. We have to remind ourselves with everything,
Speaker 1: like what's being presented, let me look at it with
Speaker 1: a critical lens, a nice loving soft lens too. Okay,
Speaker 1: like we're just you know, using words here, but let
Speaker 1: me look at it. Is this person or is this situation?
Speaker 1: Is this really going to fill me up? Is this
Speaker 1: what I'm looking for? And ask yourself that don't just
Speaker 1: accept whatever comes to you and remind yourself if it's
Speaker 1: not this, it's something better. And even if you couldn't
Speaker 1: fully see it and you're in it now or you
Speaker 1: were in it for so long, it's fine. It's life.
Speaker 1: That's what happens. You learn your patterns through going through
Speaker 1: these times, unfortunately, but you do not need to take people,
Speaker 1: places and things on to yourself just because it's there
Speaker 1: and how I look at it is in my like
Speaker 1: I'm twenty nine, so like my thirties. Here, I'm just
Speaker 1: protecting my innerchility. I'm protecting myself. And so I need
Speaker 1: to say no to a lot of things in life.
Speaker 1: Like you need to do that even in business. You
Speaker 1: need to do that with friends. You can't say yes
Speaker 1: to everything. You can't attend everything you don't need to.
Speaker 1: So if you're gonna say no to things, you're gonna
Speaker 1: start saying yes to the things that actually matter to
Speaker 1: you and the things that you need uniquely. And you're
Speaker 1: not gonna feel bad about it anymore. We don't need
Speaker 1: to feel bad about it. And the people who are
Speaker 1: so worried about feeling bad about it, you ain't got
Speaker 1: nothing to worry about because you care a lot. And
Speaker 1: like I said, I just think the first thing you
Speaker 1: need to do is like, let's just get real, let's
Speaker 1: get clear. And actually, this is what I asked at
Speaker 1: the beginning of the year. I asked God, I asked
Speaker 1: my mom. I was like, you know what, I know
Speaker 1: so much about myself, and I know so much about
Speaker 1: my patterns, and I know a lot of things. I asked,
Speaker 1: just let me be so clear, God, please let me
Speaker 1: see things clearly. And what I was really asking is
Speaker 1: let me see my patterns in the forefront of my face,
Speaker 1: like every day, all day, so that I can continuously
Speaker 1: move it out of the way and move it out
Speaker 1: of the way because I know that this is the
Speaker 1: only thing that is in the way of me getting
Speaker 1: into something that is better for me. And I hope
Speaker 1: that's what you guys get clear on as well. What
Speaker 1: are your patterns, what are the ways that you shut down,
Speaker 1: what are the ways that you can really challenge yourself
Speaker 1: when it comes to communication, and also being real with
Speaker 1: yourself about the people that you are dating and the
Speaker 1: things that you're not accepting, and getting very clear on
Speaker 1: what it is that you need and what you want
Speaker 1: in a relationship, and also surrounding yourself with people, places,
Speaker 1: and things that will remind you of that healthy love
Speaker 1: or those healthy things in your life and push you
Speaker 1: and motivate you and expand your mind, because again, sometimes
Speaker 1: we're just not even around that and that can be
Speaker 1: kind of like a recipe for disaster in a way,
Speaker 1: because you don't know anything but what you know right. Actually,
Speaker 1: one last thing that I'll say, I found this podcast
Speaker 1: it's called Come Together, and it is with like a
Speaker 1: husband and a wife. I think that they were on
Speaker 1: some sort of TV show or something. I don't really know,
Speaker 1: but there would dear media. So they had posted a
Speaker 1: clip and I was intrigued, so I listened to. They
Speaker 1: only have like two full episodes right now, but they've
Speaker 1: been married for like over ten years, and they just
Speaker 1: talk about I'm assuming, like they talk about parenting. They
Speaker 1: talk about the relationship and sex and love and marriage
Speaker 1: and all of those things. And from what I'm hearing,
Speaker 1: like their stories, Like it's so cute to hear a
Speaker 1: married couple who are a lot older like talk about
Speaker 1: like all the things that they went through when they're
Speaker 1: twenty seven and they were partying and then they had
Speaker 1: a kid, and like when they were like not slumming it.
Speaker 1: They definitely didn't slum at these people. They lived in
Speaker 1: New York, but like just the trials and tribulations of
Speaker 1: their life and their relationships and how different phases of
Speaker 1: their lives they were either more intimate or less intimate,
Speaker 1: or like there was things that came up and challenges
Speaker 1: and struggles and just hearing like real stories from people
Speaker 1: who for the most part are sharing their real life stories.
Speaker 1: Like I think that that is really interesting to me,
Speaker 1: and I'm like more interested in that kind of stuff
Speaker 1: because I think, like things that I've learned when it
Speaker 1: comes to relationships is that it does take work. And actually,
Speaker 1: you know what, No, I'm gonna read something else because
Speaker 1: this explains what I'm trying to say perfectly, and I
Speaker 1: found it on Instagram. A healthy relationship will challenge you,
Speaker 1: but not the way the broken ones did. It won't
Speaker 1: leave you exhausted from sleepless nights, second guessing you're worth
Speaker 1: or waking up with anxiety in your chest. Instead, it
Speaker 1: will challenge you to be vulnerable when it feels easier
Speaker 1: to shut down. It will challenge you to stay, not run.
Speaker 1: It will challenge you to regulate your emotions, to communicate
Speaker 1: with heart, and to show up even when you don't
Speaker 1: feel like it. A healthy relationship doesn't drain you. It
Speaker 1: grows you. It calls you to be more mature, grounded,
Speaker 1: and self aware version of you. And that's the kind
Speaker 1: of challenge worth saying yes too. So if you're in
Speaker 1: something that is not doing that, but doing the anxiousness
Speaker 1: and the sleepless nights in this that please, like be
Speaker 1: booth with yourself about how much you are telling yourself
Speaker 1: that it's you and that like you need to just
Speaker 1: do more self love and this that, and again it's
Speaker 1: not up to me. And there are people who are
Speaker 1: you know, really needing somebody to be there everything, all
Speaker 1: the time, every second. And if that is the case,
Speaker 1: then that episode will be down below. But I think
Speaker 1: a lot of us, like I don't know, I think
Speaker 1: a lot of us are asking for nothing really at all,
Speaker 1: and there are many people who will give you much more.
Speaker 1: And you have to sometimes trust and have faith in
Speaker 1: the unknown of even knowing what that feels like or
Speaker 1: looks like, because you probably don't, and even if you
Speaker 1: think you do, once you get into it, it's like,
Speaker 1: holy shit, this feels actually even more weird because it's
Speaker 1: not normal. But it also feels good and it feels
Speaker 1: like are remembering because you know, deep down somewhere you
Speaker 1: do deserve that, like you do, or at least you
Speaker 1: start to learn that, and it is out there. And
Speaker 1: for me, I've learned in my twenties, like it's just
Speaker 1: so much worth waiting for and yes, focusing on myself
Speaker 1: and loving myself, but also just being real with the
Speaker 1: things that I'm accepting and trying my best, you know,
Speaker 1: not being perfect, but trying my best in dating, and
Speaker 1: also just trusting that there's there's a plan, you know,
Speaker 1: like there it's gonna work out. Things will work out,
Speaker 1: and don't let yourself be fed into the lie of
Speaker 1: like it's not gonna work out. I'm not gonna find anyone,
Speaker 1: Like I can't find anyone better than this and this
Speaker 1: that it's you and your stories. Enough with the stories,
Speaker 1: and why not just take the risk? Okay, even if
Speaker 1: things don't work out or whatever, wouldn't you rather at
Speaker 1: least have believed that you could have better in your
Speaker 1: life than to just be always wondering and just constantly
Speaker 1: being stressed all the time, like subtly stressed though because
Speaker 1: a lot of times we don't really even know it.
Speaker 1: But like if you're let's say, in a situationship or
Speaker 1: anxiously attached, do you know what that does to your
Speaker 1: nervous system, Like you're on all the time, even in
Speaker 1: the most regulated of anxiously attached girls. Okay, Like I
Speaker 1: look back, and even when I was fine, like I
Speaker 1: wasn't like acting out of sorts or anything like that,
Speaker 1: and I was trying to do my best to regulate myself,
Speaker 1: and I was in a way, I still wasn't because
Speaker 1: in the back of my head I had that pattern
Speaker 1: that I was playing out.
Speaker 2: And you free.
Speaker 1: Yourself from that, you lived that your entire life. So anyways,
Speaker 1: that's it. I think. With that said, I will see
Speaker 1: you guys in the next one. Don't forget to subscribe
Speaker 1: if you're watching on YouTube. And also I have the
Speaker 1: audio version on Spotify, Apple, wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1: And if you enjoy this podcast, I would highly appreciate
Speaker 1: it if you left a five star review. If you
Speaker 1: think it's this five stars. Listen, most of you guys
Speaker 1: think it's five stars.
Speaker 2: It's okay.
Speaker 1: I don't. It's fine, but a review is great for
Speaker 1: the podcast. And yeah, I will see you guys in
Speaker 1: the next one. Oh wait, we forgot THEO. Of course
Speaker 1: he's sleeping with me again. Guys, Listen, this is like
Speaker 1: a little brand here. I Fio is fully vaxxed and
Speaker 1: he's ready to go. So this morning we were doing
Speaker 1: hot Boy walk training and he is walking now like
Speaker 1: he used to. Like when I would bring him outside,
Speaker 1: he would like stop every three seconds and it was
Speaker 1: so annoying. And then I was like dreading having to
Speaker 1: go for a walk because he wouldn't really be walking,
Speaker 1: and also he wasn't fully vaxed here. He is lung legs.
Speaker 1: He's out of it right now. Look at listen if
Speaker 1: you listen on audio. This is why we got the
Speaker 1: pod sometimes. Anyways, he was walking so good. He just
Speaker 1: fell asleep like this on my arm. So good he
Speaker 1: was walking. And now I'm just so excited to be
Speaker 1: able to go walk in the places that I walk
Speaker 1: because it's like a longer area nearby the water, because
Speaker 1: I have confidence that he's gonna be walking and I
Speaker 1: can always pick him up and stuff like that too.
Speaker 1: But we're gonna be doing lots of hot boy walk
Speaker 1: training because that's what we do in the spring and
Speaker 1: summertime here. So anyways, we're gonna go. And he says
Speaker 1: he loves you guys, and he sees all the love
Speaker 1: on social media all the time. And yeah, for anyone
Speaker 1: who's new, he's Italian Greyhound. Okay, talk to you next one. Bye.