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Speaker 1: Reginald's Christmas revel by Saki. They say, said Reginald, that

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there's nothing sadder than victory except defeat. If you've ever

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stayed with dull people during what is alleged to be

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the festive season, you can probably revise that saying, I

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shall never forget putting in a Christmas at the Babwalds.

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Missus Babwald is some relation of my father's, a sort

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of to be left still called for cousin, and that

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was considered sufficient reason for my having to accept her

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invitation at about the sixth time of asking though, why

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the sins of the father should be visited by the children.

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You won't find any note paper in that drawer. That's

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where I keep old menus and first night programs. Missus

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Babwald wears a rather solemn personality and has never been

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known to smile, even when saying disagreeable things to her

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friends or making out the stor's list. She takes her

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pleasures sadly. A state elephant at d'urbar gives one a

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very similar impression. Her husband gardens in all weathers. When

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a man goes out in the pouring rain to brush

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caterpillars off rose trees. I generally imagine his life indoors

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leaves something to be desired. Anyway, it must be very

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unsettling for the caterpillars. Of course, there were some other

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people there. There was a major, somebody who had shot

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things in Lapland or somewhere of that sort. I forget

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what they were, but it wasn't for want of reminding.

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We had them cold with every meal, almost and he

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was continually giving us details of what they measured, from

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tip to tip, as though he thought we were going

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to make them warm under things for the winter. I

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used to listen to him with a rapt attention that

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I thought rather suited me. And then one day I

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quite modestly gave the dimensions of an o'copy I had

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shot in the Lincolnshire Fens. The Major turned a beautiful

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Tyrian scarlet. I remember thinking at the time that I

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should like my bathroom hung in that color. And I

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think that at that moment he almost found it in

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his heart to dislike me. Missus Babwold put on a

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first aid to the injured expression and asked him why

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he didn't publish a book of his sporting reminiscences. It

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would be so interesting. She didn't remember till afterwards that

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he had given her two fat volumes on the subject,

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with his portrait and autograph as a frontis piece, and

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an appendix on the habits of the Arctic muscle. It

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was in the evening that we cast aside the cares

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and distractions of the day and really lived. Cards were

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thought to be too frivolous and empty a way of

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passing the time, so most of them played what they

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called a book game. You went out into the hall

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to get an inspiration, I suppose, then you came in

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again with a muffler tied round your neck and looked silly,

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and the others were supposed to guess that you were

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wee mac greegor. I held out against the inanity as

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long as I decently could, But at last, in a

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lapse of good nature, I consented to masquerade as a

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book only I warned them that it would take some

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time to carry out. They waited for the best part

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of forty minutes while I went and played wineglass skittles

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with the page boy in the pantry. You play it

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with the champagne cork, you know, and the one who

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knocks down the most glasses without breaking them winds. I

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won with four unbroken out of seven. I think William

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suffered from over anxiousness. They were rather mad in the

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drawing room at my not having come back, and they

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weren't a bit pacified when I told them afterwards that

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I was at the end of the passage. I never

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did like Kipling. Was missus Babwald's comment when the situation

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dawned upon her. I couldn't see anything clever in earthworms

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out of Tuscany? Or is that by Darwin? Of course

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these games are very educational, but personally I prefer Bridge.

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On Christmas evening we were supposed to be specially festive

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in the old English fashion. The hall was horribly drafty,

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but it seemed to be the proper place to revel in,

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and it was decorated with Japanese fans and Chinese lanterns,

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which gave it a very old English effect. A young

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lady with a confidential voice favored us with a long

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recitation about a little girl who died or did something

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equally hackneyed, and then the major gave us a graphic

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account of a struggle he had with a wounded bear.

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I privately wished that the bears would win sometimes on

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these occasions, at least they wouldn't go vaporing about it. Afterwards,

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before we had time to recover our spirits, we were

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indulged with some thought reading by a young man whom

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one knew instinctively had a good mother and an indifferent tailor,

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the sort of young man who talks unflaggingly through the

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thing kest soup and smooths his hair dubiously as though

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he thought it might hit back. The thought reading was

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rather a success. He announced that the hostess was thinking

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about poetry, and she admitted that her mind was dwelling

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on one of Austin's odes, which was near enough. I

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fancy she had been really wondering whether a scrag end

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of mutton and some cold plum pudding would do for

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the kitchen dinner next day. As a crowning dissipation, they

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all sat down to play progressive Halma with milk chocolate

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for prizes. I've been carefully brought up, and I don't

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like to play games of skill for milk chocolate, so

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I invented a headache and retired from the scene. I

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had been preceded a few minutes earlier by Miss Langshon Smith,

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a rather formidable lady who always got up at some

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uncomfortable hour in the morning and gave you the impression

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that she had been in communication with most of the

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European governments. Before breakfast, there was a paper pinned on

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her door with a signed request that she might be

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called particularly early on the morrow. Such an opportunity does

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not come twice in a lifetime. I covered up everything

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except the signature with another notice to the effect that

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before these words should meet the eye, she would have

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ended a misspent life, or sorry for the trouble she

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was giving, and would like a military funeral. A few

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minutes later, I violently exploded an air filled paper bag

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on the landing and gave a stage moan that could

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have been heard in the cellars. Then I pursued my

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original intention and went to bed. The noise those people

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made in forcing open the good lady's door was positively indecorous.

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She resisted gallantly, but I believe they searched her for

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bullets for about a quarter of an hour, as if

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she had been an historic battle field. I hate traveling

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on Boxing Day, but one must occasionally do things that

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one dislikes end of Reginald's Christmas revel by Saki